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March 25, 2011 - Jimmy Dore Show
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20110325_The_Jimmy_Dore_Show_March_242011
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I'm Sandra Singlow for NPR.
Coming up Monday, part one of a three-part report about whether NPR has lost touch with the American people.
And after that, friend of the show and author Tom Janik will stop by with a copy of his latest book, The Gay Vegan Chef's Guide to a Healthier Revolution.
It's the Jimmy Dore Show.
It's the show that makes Anderson Cooper say.
It's hard to talk on your TV.
So sit back or sit up or keep driving.
And now, here's a guy who sounds a lot like me.
It's Jimmy Dore.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Jimmy Door Show.
I am in studio, joined by writer, comedian, extraordinaire Jonathan Corbett.
Hi, John.
How are you?
Hey, doing well, Jimmy.
And from Dinner in a Movie on TBS and AskARepublican.com.
Remember, he's not a real Republican.
It's Paul Gilmartin.
Hi, Paul.
Hello, James.
And from CinematicTitanic.com and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I said it right for the first time in three weeks.
It's Frank Connoff.
Hi, Frank.
How are you, buddy?
Thanks for coming in.
Well, what's coming up on today's show?
Well, Sarah Palin is traveling abroad, trying to look more presidential.
She visited Israel, wore a star, David, and said she's happy to touch the cornerstone of our faith and said she can't wait to get back to America where she can screw the union workers through a hole in a sheet.
John Ensign, the nicest Christian moralizer to ever cheat on his wife with someone else's wife and then paid her family hush money to keep it quiet, is retiring from the Senate and not going to run for another term because he said he wants to wait for it, ready all together, spend more time with his family.
Oh, I thought he was going to say spend more time with the new lobbying firm.
That's what I thought he was going to say.
Barack Obama, the nicest Nobel Peace Prize winner to ever torture an American soldier, was actually asked about it recently.
I have actually asked the Pentagon whether or not the procedures that have been taken in terms of his confinement are appropriate and are meeting our basic standards.
They assure me that they are.
Okay, well, the Pentagon says everything's on the up and up, then I guess that settles it.
Okay, nothing to see here.
Show's over, folks.
You know, that's the thing about those Nobel Peace Prize.
Nobody tries to win a second one.
You know what I do a lot of times before I think whether or not I'm going to abuse my wife is I say, what would black ops do?
That's what I say.
Okay, we're going to talk about that in depth.
We're going to talk about the Bradley Manning detention and the Barack Obama overlooking of it.
And also, Donald Trump is flirting around with running for president.
He was on the view.
Did you beat Obama?
I think if I run and win and get the nomination, I definitely think I could beat Obama.
Yes, if he runs and wins the nomination, he could definitely be.
But if he runs and loses the nominee, he probably wouldn't be able to beat Obama.
That's some great political insight analysis, and we look forward to more of that from Donald Trump.
And he's going to make an appearance in the Oh My God segment this week.
Okay, and what's the latest on the fallout from the nuclear problem in Japan, huh?
Today, there are more signs of radiation from Japan's nuclear plant in the food and water supply.
Authorities are still analyzing data after finding abnormally high levels of radiation in milk and spinach.
And in Tokyo, very small amounts of radioactive iodine have been detected in the tap water.
Joining me is the same thing.
Well, Bill O'Reilly has this to say.
The worldwide media is hyping the nuke situation in Japan a bit too much.
Okay, well, we're going to look into the hype that Bill O'Reilly says is surrounding the nuclear situation.
Plus, we're going to get to that clip from Pat Buchanan and Jack Welsh when he just tells us exactly how corporate America works.
Plus, we're going to do Oh My God, and Victoria Jackson stops by to do a little gay bashing.
And we might even talk about Bill Daley, the nicest $15 million man from Wall Street to ever screw over America and still call himself a Democrat, was on Meet the Press, or should I say...
Jerry the Dentist.
I loved it too.
Well, that's all coming up on this week's Jimmy Door show.
Oh, plus, we're going to have Tuesdays with moron.
Jim Hightower stops by.
There's a lot of stuff coming up on today's Jimmy Door show.
Okay, we're back at the Jimmy Door show.
And before we get to the Oh My God segment, I wanted to very quickly talk about Barack Obama.
You know, we're broke and we don't have any money to hire teachers.
We have to lay them off.
We don't have any money for health.
We don't have money, money, money.
Everybody's broke.
But we can bomb another country at the drop of a hat.
Turns out we can.
So Barack Obama, and he's getting all kinds of grief.
And let's just go around the horn really quickly.
We're in our third Muslim country or Arab country.
Frank, what do you see?
You see, we're going to get out of this.
Was this a mistake?
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, it's funny how everyone in government always talks about how broke we are.
But when it comes to war, suddenly the government is like Robert De Niro's Jimmy Conway character and good fellas, you know, has always had his big wad of cash.
He gave the guy at the door $100 just from me.
He gave a guy a 50 just to keep the scotch and waters coming.
You know, suddenly it's like we have a big wad of cash and we're like, it's drunk in sailor time.
Hey, we got to stop Gaddafi.
Got to stop Qaddafi.
Yeah.
Hey, how much is it going to cost to stop Gaddafi?
And then he just kind of goes like this with his fingers two inches apart.
That much.
We're going to need that much.
Paul, anything on Libya?
Well, you know, you said, sir, third Muslim country.
Everybody knows comedy works in three.
So does tragedy.
Jonathan, anything I'd say about Libya?
Well, what blows me away is that we're since 9-11, we're now in our third Middle Eastern country, yet we still can't find Randy Quaid.
He's still on the bank.
We can't get that guy.
We're in deep trouble.
Okay, you know what?
Actually, one thing it does do.
Sure.
It does create jobs.
Oh, it's a sure way.
We make bombs.
Yes, we do make bombs, and we're good at it.
We're putting food on the table at the same time.
It turns out we make tear gas for Egypt, and we make restraints for the people in Tunisia.
We make a lot of things in America.
I'm glad we have a product that we can still export that other countries will buy.
Do excuses for Israel count as a product?
I'll count them.
All right.
Okay, Barack Obama actually got my number.
I think Bill O'Reilly gave it to him, and he called in.
Jimmy, President Barack Obama.
I was listening to the show recently.
And I'm not going to match words here.
I'm Steve.
I'll make hot under the collar, you can say.
If you could see my hands now, you would know how one of them is bowled into a fist.
It's raised in front of me.
Signifying the most heated form of hunger.
So make no mistake.
I'll take off.
What you need to realize is that I've got a tough job here.
Half the country thinks I've abandoned my progressive principles and have sold ops.
And the other half thinks I'm a Muslim socialist.
What kind of a Muslim socialist would double down on Afghanistan?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
What kind of Muslim socialists would left Wall Street completely off the horse?
Right?
And to those racist critics who are afraid I would spend my time, you know, shooting hoops with Matrick Johnson and Soup Dog.
I'd like to remind them that I've played more golf in two years than Bush did in hates.
So they can all clean my balls.
But my critics on the left should be a reminder that I've taken some difficult stands on the behalf.
Well, I can't say I fully support gay merits.
I have made it a lot easier for you all to get killed for your country.
So come on back to the big old train, Jimmy.
Give me a call on the cell.
Oh, that's Barack Obama calling.
I can't believe that you are friends with him.
It's amazing.
I had no idea you were that well connected.
You know, he tells me he's called back on the cell.
And then, you know, it just goes to a number that goes, you have reached 415.
You know, and I'm like, what are you, 007?
Had you leave your own outgoing.
I know you're the president, but come on.
Okay, and now it's time for my favorite segment.
Time for another installment of Oh My God.
Okay, coming up on Oh My God today.
Now, there was a lot of things to pick from.
There was a lot of, I didn't know what to pick from, but I'm just going to go with Donald Trump, and then we might play something else if it doesn't get us there.
Donald Trump is on the view, and he's thinking of running for president.
Now, you know, say what you want about Donald Trump.
You know, he's a bigger-than-life personality, and he shoots his mouth off.
But here he was talking about Barack Obama, and he had something to say about the birthers.
He kind of, here we go.
I was a really good student at the best school.
I'm not like a smart guy, okay?
They make these birthers into the worst it is.
Why doesn't he show his birth certificate?
I wanted to show his birth certificate.
I want him to show his birth certificate.
There's something on that birth certificate that he doesn't like.
So that was Donald Trump.
He is now a birther.
I want him to show his barber.
Forget him.
What about that dumbass audience that applauding him?
Exactly.
They're applauding.
That's right.
Let's see his birth.
It is unbelievable.
He showed his birth certificate.
Couldn't be more clear that there's proof that he was born.
It's just pure racism.
It's just pure, that is just pure racism.
No, it's a little diluted.
It's just a little.
The Republican governor of Hawaii has certified his birth.
His birth certificate is like everyone else's birth certificate from Hawaii.
Everyone else.
The only plausible explanation is that he somehow went back in time and put the announcement of his birth in the Hawaii newspapers so that people so that it would cover up the fact that he was born somewhere.
I'm not ruling it out.
And he knew that he would be president.
I wonder what the odds are.
Like, how many people could produce their original birth certificate?
I couldn't.
They say the long-form birth certificate.
And I'm like, well, what is that?
You know, that thing that nobody ever heard of until we had a black president?
Right.
Oh, that's.
Oh, the long-form birth certificate.
Well, now we want to see the video.
And we need to see it being signed by Reagan.
I have my long form right next to, I keep it right next to my KKK card.
I love pomposity coming from a guy whose hair looks like half his head is hogging the covers.
And he loves to pretend that that's not screwed up.
Like, no, it's look, it's my real hair.
I don't know what you're the only guy I know then who can comb his real hair into looking like a horrible toupee.
If that was a toupee, you would fire the toupee weaver.
Yeah.
Or whoever bought it for you or the guy who made you the mirror.
You'd be firing people all over the place.
But since he's claiming it's his real hair, I guess that makes it okay.
But I'm glad that the media is paying a lot of attention to his make-believe presidential run.
Yes, it is make-believe, too, by the way.
He doesn't really...
And, you know, he's been back.
He actually has.
He's not like the greatest businessman that ever lived, like he presents himself to be.
Go ahead.
He did say he's a really smart guy.
I said that, yes.
I think America, at this point, in its economic health, really needs somebody that loves to over-leverage things and is a bully.
I think it would be exactly what we need.
I have to say that this is the clearest sign yet that he is serious about running, going for the birther, or at least getting the Republican nomination.
So if he somehow comes around and blames the economy on gays, then we know he's in it.
He'll win it.
He is in it.
Yes.
Well, speaking of that, let's get to our oh my god.
So that was our first, oh my God.
That wasn't the oh my god.
That was the oh my god, but I had a couple more lined up and I didn't want to want to waste them.
All right.
So Glenn Beck is, and we're going to, now Glenn Beck, and people were upset because he was being over the top with his fear-mongering.
He was saying stuff like this all the time.
Then Harry Reid will go for the 51 count and he'll pass this thing and it will be a nail in the coffin of America.
This is from 2009.
He's talking about, this is from October 2009.
He's talking about the health care bill.
And it could happen by Saturday.
You must get on the phone in your districts.
You must wake everybody up you know.
This is the end of prosperity in America forever if this bill passes.
This is the end of America as you know it.
Okay, so that was what he would say in 2009 about so that so people said, wow, he's a little crazy, delusional.
And then here's David From, the man who coined the frame The Axis of Evils, Bush speechwriter.
And from the From Forum, he had this to say about Glenn Beck not too long ago.
I'm not a regular watcher of every episode of Glenn Beck, but my impression has been there's been a little bit more self-empowerment on that show recently and a little less paranoia.
Okay, so let's check in.
Let's check back in with Glenn Beck.
This is from this week, Glenn Beck.
I will tell you this.
The world is about to be plunged into complete and utter darkness.
Despair.
Quite honestly, famine will follow.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Well, he's the oh my god.
The apocalypse is the only way his show isn't going to be canceled.
And yet it will be.
So either way, it's canceled.
And I like that you played a clip of him talking from 2009 when you could have just played it and you could have said it was him last week talking about a new Barbara Streisand record.
The tune doesn't change with him.
And he's, you know, there's speculation that he's been losing so many sponsors that Fox is going to get rid of him.
And so you know that somebody's really scared when they have to start going against their enemies that they're godless, right?
So here he is talking about.
I believe that MSNBC has become the most anti-god network ever put on the air in the history of America.
Has he seen Fuse?
I don't know.
There's a couple more godless networks out there.
There has to be.
You know, they've never, No one at MSNBC has ever seen God in the green room waiting to go on.
So he might have a point.
Okay, and that was.
This has been, oh my God.
Oh my God.
Don't forget the Jimmy Door show is available as a podcast for free at iTunes or for other ways to subscribe.
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Well, it's pronounced Door, but it's spelled D-O-R-E.
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Okay, you know, we're back to the Jimmy Door show.
You know, when we were torturing Muslims, people asked, what's the big deal?
They're only Muslims.
It's just bad guys.
They're brown.
They're from another country.
They speak another language.
And so what if we splash a little water in their face, right?
And it's not even torture.
They called it enhanced interrogation techniques, right?
Which is nice.
It makes it sound like they're going to put out a little mood music, some track lighting.
Not like...
Yeah.
It's enhanced.
Would you like to supersize your interrogation?
Yes, as opposed to what it really is, is hooking your nads up to a car battery and then trying to choke you.
It's, you know, it's like, I'm not raping you.
I'm loving you into submission.
It's kind of like, it's kind of like that.
So now here's what people are saying about the treatment of Bradley Manning, the person who was accused of assisting Julian Assange at WikiLeaks with the massive document leak.
Now, he didn't even leak top secret classified information, by the way.
This was just classified.
It wasn't top secret.
It was the kind of information that over, I'm told, over a million people have access to inside the government in America.
So it's not that classified.
And what's the word on the street about how he's being treated?
Perhaps inhumane at best and perhaps could be violations of international treaties at worst.
So inhumane at best, violations of international treaties.
But I mean, what is it?
What are they doing for a guy?
I mean, so they were holding him without a trial for months and not even charging with a crime.
What else?
243 days in confinement, 23-hour a day lockdown, sleep deprivation.
Yeah, big deal.
Are you sure he's not working at Walmart?
Sounds like that.
Maybe he's making iPhones in China.
What's the big deal?
That's what I say.
Manning is stripped naked every night before he goes to sleep.
Big deal, right?
So who doesn't?
I say.
Unlike a lot of people, he has a home at least.
That's right.
This is all he has been awakened every five minutes in order to ascertain his mental state.
Oh, okay.
That sounds they just want to know how he's doing every five minutes.
Wouldn't that be nice?
That sounds like care.
Yeah, it sounds 243 days, woken up every five minutes.
The guy doesn't, he doesn't even have any secrets.
He spilled his secret, so I don't understand what are they hoping to get from him.
What do you torture someone for, Paul?
Information.
And why did they torture the Muslims who they thought were involved with 9-11?
Why did they torture them?
They thought that they had information.
They wanted them to say something specific, meaning that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9-11.
And so they tortured them until they did.
That's why they tortured the one guy 180 times because he wouldn't say it.
And they just kept torturing him until he did.
The whole point of it was tell us any, just say anything so that we'll stop torture.
So we'll stop torturing you.
And we can say, look, this guy said this, and this is good information.
So they're torturing Bradley Manning because they want him to say something, and he won't say it.
What they want him to say is that he was working in cahoots with Julian Assange before he gave him that way.
They have something on his own.
Then they can then prosecute Julian Assange.
Right.
Because that's illegal.
If you just take the information and publish it, that's not illegal.
That's exactly what the New York Times did.
But if you're working in cahoots and you encourage him to do that, that's for some reason, that's illegal.
And that's what they're trying to get him to say that Julian Assange did, and he won't.
Is this a theory or have you heard this?
No, this, well, this is my theory.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
But that's the, because that's just practicing torture.
Yeah, I mean, why else would they be doing this to him?
And you know what's weird is that other American soldiers are doing this to him.
Like they don't go, oh, well, that could never happen to me.
Yeah, that's never going to happen.
You know what?
With me, though, it's the you hear that, you know, I don't know what else they're doing to him, but I hear the naked stuff.
That's where I would flip.
Yeah.
That's where, like, it's easy to be a tough guy in pants.
Once they get your pants off, then I would start singing a different tune.
That's it.
And they, well, they do that, they say, because they're afraid that he'll hurt himself.
In fact, and every day he has to come out in an inspection in the hallway with all the other prisoners naked.
He's the only one.
And of course, you know how many, obviously he's going to try and hang himself with his boxer shorts.
Of course, that's how everybody hangs themselves with their boxer shorts.
And if I was in there naked, all I would think would be, this waterboarding is going to go straight to my thighs.
I would rather be beaten with pants than watch TV naked.
Be a forced.
It just seems so.
And what if tomorrow that actually happened?
I take my chances.
I'm not comfortable nude.
where i would start singing man you remember when we used to have those old creepy white guys cheney and bush torturing muslims and dark corners of the We got a little change.
Because this is like, yeah, it's like torture light.
There's something about that joint chiefs of staff or something that no president has ever gone into a room with all these generals and come out defying them.
It's like even Obama just goes in and goes along with what they say.
It's crazy.
Go ahead.
When he said, you know, I checked with the Pentagon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They gave me the all-clear.
The CIA says it's okay, that it's moral.
Yeah, they gave me the thumbs up.
And also, yeah, just to be safe, I checked with a couple of fraternity brothers.
And yeah, they say this is all good, too.
Good, clean, fun.
They said Goebbels did it.
Yeah, so I checked with a guy.
I actually called a guy over at the Pentagon.
Now, you know.
Does he realize we voted for him because we thought he was a moral person who could restore morality to our institutions that have lost their way?
And unfortunately, he's running for office already.
He's now fighting for the middle again.
But there's a guy from the State Department named Crowley who actually nutted up and spoke truth to power and actually spoke out against what's going on over there, what they're doing to him.
And he said he called it what the Pentagon is doing is stupid.
He said what they're doing is counterproductive.
So he has the cell right next to Manning now.
Yeah.
And well, let's see how that worked out for him.
PJ Crowley has stepped down following comments he made criticizing the Pentagon.
Okay, so that there you go.
So Barack Obama, not only are we going to torture our own soldiers, but if somebody inside the government inside the State Department speaks out against it, You're going to be fired because I'm a black progressive and we're changing stuff, right?
Because my conscience was shocked.
I have shocked my conscience how we used to treat our prisoners, and now I want to change things.
And so, what is the message do you think Barack Obama is sending when he makes PJ Crowley?
The other message that is being sent to other members of the federal government: if you think that you might be privy to information that we don't want out in the general public, essentially, you need to keep your mouth shut.
Okay, well, that sounds that's that sounds like a good progressive Democrat, doesn't it?
Isn't that what that sounds like?
Yeah, this is our president, and people are like, What's the matter?
You people on the left are a big bunch of cry babies.
What?
So, we got a guy who's exactly the same as George Bush in every real way.
Who exactly still behind Obama?
You know what?
Half the country, people that don't read the news because he's, I mean, he's the alternative.
You know what?
You don't want to hear this, but you're probably all going to vote for him in 2007.
I know, I know that's what you're saying.
I don't know what that is.
The one thing to at least think the people that support him are the people that try to keep in mind what the alternative might have been.
As terrible as things are, can you imagine just the fiery pit of hell we'd be lying in if it was McCain and Palin.
And then the alternatives that they have for the next election, there's, I mean, it's the same thing.
So, you know, as middle-of-the-road, right-leaning as Obama is, he's as close as a progressive president as probably you're ever going to see in your lifetime.
Well, that's you know what?
He's Barry Goldwater.
You know, I agree.
The problem is that people say it as if that's all we can ever hope to have.
We thought we elected somebody much more progressive than Barack Obama turned out to be.
He can't.
So, the country is ready for a real progressive.
A country is ready for somebody to stand on that picket line with those teachers.
A company is ready for somebody to break up the banks.
A company is ready for a country ready for us to pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq fully.
Our country is ready for this.
But when I hear the audience at the view, I can't believe that.
Exactly.
Let me ask you guys a question.
I sometimes think back to the night that he was elected, and I cry.
Tears of the day.
I did too.
I did too.
And I feel ashamed now that I did because I think, does that mean that I'm almost a reverse racist?
That I just assume because this guy was a minority that he was going to approach.
Well, I feel ashamed I cried because it's just really wussy to do that.
Well, it's, you know, and speaking of wussies, you know, he's catching heat for how he went into how he went into Libya.
Here's what Rush Limbaugh had to say about it.
Yet, we now see that the three people who talked Obama into using force are women: Hillary Clinton, Susan Rice, Samantha Power, leading male advisors were opposed.
Perhaps we should be less.
We're talking about male liberals.
Of course, they were opposed.
It's the new Castrati.
Of course, the males were opposed.
They're sissies.
Here's the number one leader of the club.
He happens to sit in the oval orifice.
Wow.
That's the first slip of a guy who couldn't fight in the war because he has a carbuncle on his head.
You know what?
I don't agree with him often.
I listen mostly for the pun work.
You need to go to an open master.
He needs to go to an open mic to hear quality comedy like that.
He does.
You know what?
Before we go, Barack Obama called me again.
Mr. Door, Block again.
I think Umbridge with the notes that this Libyan intervention is purely an American undertaking.
The Aero Blade has already launched over 200 shoes in the Libyan direction.
Clear sign of disrespect to those folks.
And as far as the people who think Bradley Manning is being tortured for whistleblowing on the U.S. Legion County, I've spoken to the Pentagon, and they've assured me that he's not being tortured.
And who would know better than they would, right?
Even the naked shots, which surprised me.
So much so that I even asked a second guy about it.
And he told me that the Constitution allows the military to operate outside the Constitution.
Hey, that'll bitch.
Now keep in mind, Jimmy, this is my first term.
I've got to perform this balancing act long enough to get re-elected.
Now, my second term, that's when we gas up the Jeep and head to fucking town.
And I mean it this time.
Gay marriage, two snaps.
Legalized fuck past the dunction, my friend.
I'm not kidding.
The only thing I'm going to back up more than the unions is my ass on the dance floor.
Trust me, brother.
I'm going to improve through a stone groove.
All right.
I got to go.
I've got a free talk, T-Con.
Peace out.
Okay, and this is the Jimmy Door show on Pacific.
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Hi, everybody.
Welcome back to the Jimmy Doer show.
What's coming up on the second half of today's show?
Well, we're going to talk about Newt Gingrich and his famous flip-flop.
And we're also going to, we're going to hear from Moron Calls in.
He's got a lot on his mind, it turns out today.
An extended moron.
Bill O'Reilly has got some problems with the hype over the nuclear fallout.
And, well, Jim Hightower also.
But before we get to Jim Hightower, I wanted to let everybody know what's coming up.
Jimmy Doer show, The Poppin' Politics, is coming to Meltdown Comics at Saturday, April 2nd, over at Meltdown Comics on Sunset Boulevard, Sunset and Gower.
And you just go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You click on the link on upcoming dates.
You can get your tickets.
It's the funniest show in Los Angeles is how it's been described by me and other people.
Pick of the week, LA Weekly.
Paul Gilmartin will be there.
David Feldman will be there.
Eddie Peppertone will be there.
And as of right now, Paul Provenza from the Green Room will be our special celebrity guest.
So that's Saturday, April 2nd at Meltdown Comics.
Get your tickets now.
Go to JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And also, next Thursday, the 31st, it's a subversive comedy show at Flappers.
Doug Benson's going to be on that show with us.
Dave Dayon from Fire Dog Lake.
I'll be there.
Maybe Paul Gilmartin will stop by if he can take the night off.
But right now, you can find all that stuff over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
And how do you spell my last name?
D-O-R-E.
If you Google Jimmy D-Double R, the passenger door for a GMC Jimmy comes up and you don't want to.
Okay, so let's get back to the show.
And right now, it's Jim Hightower's going to stop by to bum us out in a folksy voice.
The popular perception is that bank robbers wear ski masks when doing their jobs.
But a lot of modern-day bank robbers are wearing Armani suits and Gucci loafers.
The New York Times recently ran a story on such hold-up men, including showing mugshots of five who've been making big hauls.
The photos looked as though they were taken at a police lineup, except for one significant difference.
All five of these robbers had big smiles on their faces.
That's because they are the chief executives of some of America's biggest banks, and they've just pulled off a major job that'll put more sacks of riches in their private stashes.
These inside men were involved in the bank crash of 2008 and 2009 that resulted in one, them engineering multi-billion dollar bailouts of their failed financial empires by us taxpayers.
Two, them being allowed to skate free of any punishment, keeping their prestigious positions rather than being fired or going to jail.
Three, them returning almost immediately to the same old speculative banking capers that caused the crash rather than being compelled to invest our bailout funds in job-creating businesses.
And four, them continuing to make off with fat salaries and bonuses.
Now, the Federal Reserve is allowing these heisters to raise the value of their bank's stock dividends.
Since the CEOs happen to be among the biggest stockholders, the dividend hike will be a windfall for them.
For example, Jamie Diamond, the boss banker of J.P. Morgan Chase, was a major backroom plotter in the bailout scheme, and his bank took $25 billion from us.
Far from being punished, last year he hauled off $18.4 million in personal pay.
And now he's set to grab another $6 million from the dividend heist.
This is Jim Hightower saying, shouldn't these guys at least have to wear ski masks when they go to work?
Maybe they can get one from Gucci.
Okay, thanks, Jim.
You can hear Jim Hightower most every week here on the Jimmy Door show when he's available.
Okay, right now, let's talk about Newt Gingrich, shall we?
So, you know, Barack Obama's getting it from all sides, right?
He's like, he's gay for pay.
And he went into Libya.
Before, here's, let's talk about Newt Gingrich.
When he was hesitating to go into Libya, Newt Gingrich said this.
Exercise no-fly zone this evening.
Communicate to the Libyan military that Gaddafi was gone and that the sooner they switched sides, the more likely they were to survive.
Provided help to the rebels to replace him.
This is a moment to get rid of him.
Do it.
Get it over with.
The United States doesn't need anybody's permission.
Okay, really strong.
Just like a good Republican presidential candidate.
The guy just talks tough.
He shoots from the hip and he doesn't care about how much it screws things up.
And which is what I like.
We like that in a leader, right?
He's decisive.
He says we should go.
So then that was a couple weeks ago.
And then just yesterday on Good Morning America, he said this.
I would not have intervened.
I think there are a lot of other ways to affect Gaddafi.
Okay.
That's presidential material right there.
That flip-flop could get him into Cirque du Soleil.
Now, let me just say now, in Newt Gingrich's defense, who here remembers what their position on Libya was on March 7th?
That was a whole two weeks ago.
That wasn't 20 years ago?
No, that was.
Oh, my goodness.
That was almost two full weeks ago.
All right.
I don't know.
So that was like two wives ago for him.
Well, you know, it's tough to defend it.
That was my defense of him.
But if you really want to get a real defense of Newt Gingrich's position here, you go to the source.
You go to a real tough liberal, you know, nose-for-journalism guy like Mark Halperin, right?
Yeah, he was for the intervention at the time.
He espoused it, and then he thought it was too late, and he didn't like the way it was executed in a multilateral way.
If you're going for Newt Gingrich inconsistencies and hypocrisies, this one doesn't move the needle for me.
Okay, and that's why that guy is a piece of garbage.
Mark, I'm sure he's a nice fellow.
I'm just saying that his political opinion is really not worth much.
And also, it sounds like he hasn't heard of YouTube.
Well, he doesn't realize this might come back to bite him in the well.
For Mark Halperin, they played the Newt Gingrich, the flings I just played for you, which made everyone laugh out loud.
And then they played it for him, and that was his response.
Well, you know, here's how I can defend it.
It doesn't really move the hip-hop.
But I think for mainstream pundits like Mark Halperin, what motivates their positions on things is what motivated him saying that is that he might run into Newt Gingrich at a cocktail party next week, and he doesn't want it to be awkward.
That is exactly right.
And also, he wants access to Newt Gingrich for his next book.
Exactly.
So he doesn't want to come out.
So he's a codependent pundit.
Right, which makes his news analysis worthless.
Right, well, he's a piece of press agent a lot of the time.
It's just for the positions of people.
He gets access, and when he gets access, it enhances his career, and no news comes out of anything.
Ever, ever.
Yeah.
Yes.
Went to the last news guy who actually broke a news story.
They spend their whole days in green rooms.
How can they get any stories?
Right.
Think about that.
All right.
All right, John, you want to say something?
I was going to say, if you listen to his wording was very careful, he said it doesn't move Newt Gingrich's needle.
No, I think he said it didn't move his needle, right?
It didn't move Mark Halperin's needle, right?
And so I think it's probably, it's a huge needle.
Everything being relative, like, yeah, I mean, there's some precedent with some, you know, flip-flopping on major, major issues.
So this isn't a big deal to them.
Yeah, I guess so.
But the thing is, Mark Halperin's, he's really, he's looked at as a real journalist.
Like, he's looked at as a liberal almost, right, wouldn't you say?
Some, yeah.
I think he's one of the fake, the kind of Mort Kondracki, Howard Feynman, fake liberals that they'll have on TV.
Oh, here's the liberal point of view, and it's a person that supports Republican stuff most of the time.
You know what?
I will say, though, in terms of pundits saying stupid things on cable news, this doesn't move my needle.
Okay, well, let's move on.
I'm going to talk about Bill O'Reilly Now, let's switch it up, okay?
So, last week, Bill O'Reilly said, we were going to talk about it last week.
Of course, we don't get to everything because we start talking and we get our gums flapping and we miss stuff.
But last week, he was talking about we're overhyping the, you know, you know, and I've watched a lot of Bill O'Reilly over the years, and I'll say this.
He always seems to believe what's coming out of his mouth, even when it contradicts what came out of his mouth like the day before.
It's a particular type of crazy that I could never quite understand, but I think I'm starting to get it.
I really do think I'm starting to get it.
Talky Boys believes that the worldwide media is hyping the nuke situation in Japan a bit too much.
Okay, let's just let that sink in, shall we?
Bill O'Reilly, the guy who's never turned down a piece of yellow journalism in his life, from Charlie Sheen to Shirley Sherrod to Acorn to the Black Panthers.
And he's saying the nuclear meltdown, something which has only happened two other times in history, is being hyped by the media.
That's Bill Friggin O'Reilly, the guy who said death panel so much.
He's now legally allowed to sign his name, Bill Death Panels O'Reilly.
He's saying that this story is overhype.
And just the way he says it, too, it's like the worldwide media is hyping the nuke situation.
He never overhyped stories either, as we all know, since America is now engulfed in Sharia law.
We have to watch out for the Sharia law.
It's like he's saying the worldwide media is like this master cabal of the Jews that meet in the Dr. Strangelove type situation room and go, you know, this nuke situation in the Oregon is paid-sick stuff at best.
But if we really push it, it could be like, you know, we caught OJ molesting Michael Jackson's corpse or something.
It's like it's as if he thinks, you know, someone came into a newsroom.
Hey, there's been this gigantic nuclear meltdown in Japan.
Yawn.
Jeff Coch, could someone please hype it up a bit?
Oh, come on.
Come on.
I don't need that fluff.
Let's get some of the real.
Come on, build it up.
That's good.
Okay, well, it gets better.
Are you ready?
Here it goes.
Right now, we know some radiation has leaked into the air at four nuclear reactors, which were damaged by the earthquake and the tsunami that followed.
Authorities say a couple of dozen people have been treated for radiation intrusion, given iodine to ward off any negative effects.
About 70 workers remain at the power plants trying to cool things down in order to stabilize the facilities.
About 70,000 people have been evacuated from the power plant areas, including our core of FNC correspondents, whom we'll talk with a little later on.
140,000 other folks are under orders to stay inside, seal their windows and doors.
But the truth is, no one knows how bad this is.
Okay.
You know what?
First, I'd like to imagine Bill O'Reilly at his high school debate club, and the coach says to him, Now, Bill, what you want to do is present your thesis and then present a series of facts which completely contradicts your thesis.
They'll never see it coming.
As long as you're loud.
Did he just not say that they're overhyping it?
And then he presented all these facts that completely.
It's like you can't help but overhype those.
I mean, it's like you don't need to hype those things.
You just need to say them, and it'll make you go a little bit of – It gets even better.
However, that doesn't stop the hype.
I think we're very close to the point of no return.
And if I had the ear of the Japanese prime minister, I would suggest that he exercise the Chernobyl option.
That is, put the Japanese Air Force on standby.
Assemble a fleet of helicopters.
Get sand, concrete, and sandbag these reactors like what they did at Chernobyl.
That's what he's talking about as the hype.
That's what he's that.
That's not hype.
That's called Dr. Michio Kaku.
I don't know if I'm pronouncing that correctly.
But he's a physicist, and he's totally qualified to be giving his opinion on the matter.
And by the way, Bill, he's citing the only real precedent we have in this matter.
But I can see why you might think it's hype, you know, with him talking all loud and stuff.
That's to him.
Yes.
They're coming at it from just two different angles.
They're still saying things like, oh, only 50 people were killed by Chernobyl.
And then there's some studies that say 500,000.
Now all the uncertainty is leading to semi-chaos in the stock markets and high apprehension among the Japanese people.
But we have seen no looting, little craziness, and no panic.
Japan is one of the few countries in the world where order could prevail in the face of catastrophe.
The Japanese culture emphasizes cooperation and obedience to authority, even in the face of death and destruction.
The folks are treating each other respectfully and generally doing what the authorities tell them to do.
You know, don't you feel like I get like his explanation of an entire culture, even when it's complimentary, it still makes him sound like a huge bigot.
Obedience to authority, nothing he loves more, you know.
And that's a hell of a, still a pretty wide generalization, too.
It's like, you know, it talks about the Japanese people like robots, like these are the same people that go bananas for Blink 182.
Well, I think that's what I'm saying.
He's never heard live at Boudicon.
He doesn't know.
Now they're calm.
I think that's why he thinks it's not, it isn't a big story because there's no looting and no rioting.
Yeah.
You know, and it's, you know, I think it's because, you know, he's a horrible racist who needs to see ethnic people behaving like animals before anything becomes a big story.
Well, that's there.
That's the, I think why he's so angry is that that's their angle for a disaster story.
like yeah where's the Like if we wanted to put them back in internment camps, they'd probably be cool with it.
They'd be all right with it.
They'd listen to us.
In the capital city, Tokyo, radiation levels are a bit higher than normal, but not in any danger zone.
There are 36 million people living in the Tokyo area.
So if the nuke plants were to collapse, you can see how bad the situation could become.
36 million.
But again, that's not happening right now.
As a struggle to contain the radiation continues to be the biggest story in the world.
It just has the potential to.
So stop hyping it.
36 million people could die tomorrow, but let's not, it's not a big deal.
That's right.
That's right.
You know, you know, in the end, I think I know why Bill O'Reilly doesn't think this story is worthy of its own volume because he can't spin it.
You know, there's no whacked out opinion to be giving.
There's no villains in this story like looters in New Orleans or Obama in healthcare.
And there's only facts.
And Bill knows that if a news item needs actual information, that Fox News is the last place anyone will go for that.
Right.
I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again.
Going to Fox for news is like going to Italy by visiting the Olive Garden.
Okay.
Bye.
you you I'm Sandra Singlow for NPR.
Coming up Tuesday, part two of our three-part report about whether NPR has lost touch with the American people.
After that, Annie DeFranco will be performing several tracks from her new album, Inspired by Sudanese acapella stick music.
Music by Ben Thede Okay, you know what?
Those NPR promos, I don't know where they're coming from.
I have no idea.
Oh, hang on.
You guys have got to take this.
Hey, it's Jimmy.
Who's this?
Hey, Jimmy, how you doing?
It's moron.
Hey, Moron, what's going on, buddy?
Jimmy, you know me.
I'm a good American.
Sure.
I like to vote against my own economic interest.
Makes me feel good.
That's confusing.
And I may often manipulate to blame those lower on the economic ladder than me for my economic problems.
But what does bring you comfort?
But what doesn't bring me comfort, Jim, is the fact that my Lord Jesus the Christ hates exactly the same people that I hate.
Sweet.
Isn't that nice?
So what's on your mind this week, Moron?
Jim, do you see Donald Trump?
He's going to run for president, sir.
Yeah, what do you think?
I think that's great.
Why?
They run the country just like a business.
Running a country like a business?
Like a business.
Is that good?
That's good.
Well, how so?
I mean, well, then if he runs it like a business, then everyone will have jobs, right?
Well, not necessarily, moron.
A lot of times.
That's what I think.
I know that's what you think, but a lot of times what happens in business is that they slash jobs to increase profits.
That don't make no sense, Jim.
Businesses don't slash jobs.
They create jobs.
They're the job creators.
Well, look what's happening right now with AT ⁇ T and T-Mobile.
What's happening with them?
Well, AT ⁇ T and T-Mobile used to be competitors.
There's their four big phone companies, right?
ATT, Sprint, T-Mobile, Verizon, and Verizon.
Right.
Verizon.
Well, now AT ⁇ T is just going to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion.
Wow.
So there's no more competition there.
So now there's only going to be three companies giving a cellular telephone service.
Huh?
Yes, now instead of there being four major cellular phone companies, there's only going to be three.
Only three?
Yes, three.
How did that happen?
I'm telling you, because AT ⁇ T bought their competitor T-Mobile.
They just bought them for $39 billion.
Is that legal?
It's legal if the people in the government say it's legal, which they've been bought off by AT ⁇ T. So yeah, it's legal.
Well, that's good.
As long as it's legal, then I guess it's okay.
It must be good for the country, right?
No, moron.
Why is that?
Because it means less competition.
So?
And less competition means higher prices for consumers.
Really?
And less work for workers.
They're going to cut thousands of jobs now during the merger.
Really?
They're going to cut jobs?
I don't understand.
AT ⁇ T is going to make more money, but they're going to cut jobs.
That's right.
Why would they do that?
That's because they're running their business like a business.
Sounds like they're running their business like a bunch of assholes.
That's what businesses do, moron.
If it will make them more money to lay people off, they lay people off.
But laying people off, that hurts the economy and the country, right?
They don't care if people are employed.
They only care if they make more money.
Yeah, but that's why a business is different than a country and a government.
Yeah, but then why do they always say it's good to run that country like a business?
Because it sounds good and people don't know any better.
Jim, let me recap if I may, because you've just laid a lot of heavy stuff on me.
More, it's just the stuff that I've been telling you all along.
Okay.
You're telling me that AT&T and T-Mobile were both doing fine as companies making profits, but then AT&T decided to buy T-Mobile for what purpose?
Just to make more money?
Yeah, correct.
But they knew that other people would lose jobs, thousands of people, but they did it, right?
Yeah, that often happens in the middle.
The government lets them do that?
Yes, the government should.
Why?
Because the government is owned by those guys.
Who?
AT ⁇ T and the rest of those huge corporations who bribe our politicians to keep subsidizing corporate America in a rigged economy that makes its money off the expense of the American people instead of investing in the American people.
No, no, no, no.
The government's owned by unions and the workers and the lousy teachers and firemen and cops who are raping us.
No, Moron, the country's actually owned by six major industries.
What?
And they buy off the government and they use it to rig the system in their favor.
They don't want competition.
It's a big industry.
You know, oil companies, telecommunication companies, health care companies.
And how about the banks?
Yes.
How about them?
They all own the government and perpetuate bad government.
And that's what's wrecking our economy.
I thought the corporations, they made the economy.
They're the ones wrecking it, too.
Yeah.
You know, the massive spike in unemployment, the destruction of the retirement wealth, the collapse in the value of our homes, and the worst recession since the Great Depression, they've all resulted directly from the abdication of proper government in favor of government for the corporation.
This is different.
This is different.
What?
This is different than everything I always hear on a TV.
Even Brian Williams is...
And do you know why you never hear that?
Huh?
What?
And do you know why that is?
Because Brian Williams is stupid.
No, it's because he works for his side.
His paycheck is signed by the people who are actually working against our economy right now.
He works for General Electric, which is a defense contractor.
And he also works for General Electric, which is also a bank, which has got $80 billion in TARP funds.
So they're setting the economic policy to favor a small group of people and screw the rest of America, which is what's happening.
Jim, I'm getting dizzy.
Well, I know this is some pretty heavy-duty stuff I'm laying on you.
No, Jim, I think I'm really getting dizzy, like I'm sweating.
Moron, take your sweat off!
Help me, Teresa.
I'm dizzy.
What the hell you got garbage bag around this time for?
It's not a garbage bag, Teresa.
What is it?
It's the belly sauna.
It's the belly sauna.
It helps melt away my love handles and my belly bulge.
Fact.
In order to lose weight, you must diet and exercise.
Fact.
When you exercise, your body heats up and causes you to sweat.
Fact.
When you exercise and sweat, you burn fat.
Unfortunately, the last place you burn fat is around the belly and love handle area because the fat acts as an insulator, keeping that area cool.
What the hell are you talking about?
Fact.
The number one reason why most people eventually lose their motivation is they don't see results in their belly and love handles.
Well, not anymore.
That's why I got the belly sauna.
You're trying to lose weight, but we're in a garbage bag around your stomach.
It's not a garbage bag, Terese.
It's the belly sauna.
It's just an Nico overheat.
I know.
That's why I got some ice cream to eat while I'm wearing it.
Slow-churned ice creams.
Got half the fat, but still got all that flavor.
Warren, you're wearing a...
Pretty brilliant, huh?
How does that make any sense?
Makes perfect sense to me, Jim.
I'm melting the bounds away as I ingest them.
Two plus two equals four, buddy.
You look stupid.
Ah, Teresa, don't get me worked up.
I'm already hot.
I'll pass out already.
I'm crazy, I'm dizzy, you'll be hot, keep me crazy, I'm a fan of the ball!
I'm in the ball right now!
All right!
Did you pass out?
Is he okay, Terese?
I know he's sweating.
Is he all right?
Have a little more ice cream, honey.
I'm dizzy.
It's good, isn't it?
I'm dizzy.
Jimmy, I gotta go.
I'm dizzy.
Okay, Moron, take off the plastic bag, buddy.
It's a belly sauna, Jim.
Don't start with me.
Okay, that was today's Tuesdays with Moron.
Thank you, Moron, for calling in.
I think he's going to lose those love handles.
He's been talking to me lately.
They've been having some problems in the bedroom.
None of my business.
I would have never guessed that.
I might have been talking out of school.
I shouldn't be saying anything.
But, you know, Moron has been having some problems.
That's sad to hear.
You know, it's the last place you lose weight.
It's right there.
And that's, you know, for every inch, for every 10 pounds you lose, you gain an inch on your thing.
That's what I read in Maxim magazine.
My motto is: if you don't watch your figure, no one will.
That's true.
That is true.
If you don't watch your figure, no one will.
Okay, let's go.
We got a couple of minutes left on the show here.
And what did you want to remind people about, Paul?
The April 2nd show at Meltown Comics at Pop Politics?
Sure.
That's what I wanted to remind people.
Is Republican Representative Richard Martin going to make an appearance?
He is going to be Republican.
We always have him.
We always have him.
I'm surprised you could get him.
He's very busy these days with trying to find birth certificates.
And let's talk about Victoria Jackson.
You know, the Glee had a big moment.
The TV show Glee had a big moment where they had a kiss.
Two gay guys kissed, right?
It was actually one of the least gay moments ever on Glee.
I was going to say, I don't watch the show, but from everything I hear, it sounds like that's how they open the series with a huge gay makeout.
Like, this is the first time they've had a gay kiss on that show.
I'm pretty surprised, too.
Yeah, I know.
So, Victoria Jackson, I don't know if you know, she used to be on Saturday Night Live, and she's just dumb enough to be a conservative Christian.
And, well, she wrote a blog about it, about the Glee thing, and she said, Did you see Glee this week?
Sickening.
And besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians again.
I wonder what their agenda is.
Hey, producers of Glee, what's your agenda?
One-way tolerance.
I don't care what is politically correct.
Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit and not an alternative lifestyle.
That was what Victoria Jackson said.
She's very compassionate.
Well, it's nice to know that she is as funny now as she was on Saturday Night Live.
And isn't she the one making a mockery of Christianity?
You would think.
Yes.
You would think.
You would think.
So here's, she went on headline news to talk about it.
And here's her trying to get out of that hole.
It doesn't matter what I think.
What matters is what the Bible says.
And I'm really concerned about our country because immorality is, well, let's see.
Secular humanism rules the airwaves and it's stealing the innocence away from this whole generation of children.
My daughter's a teenager and I can't find any show that she can watch.
Okay, so that, again, you know, this could be 1950, could be 1960.
Does her cartoon voice count as a show?
I'm not very familiar with the Bible, but does it say anything about adults speaking in baby voice?
It's an abomination.
I think it's a good thing.
It's a sign sign of the apocalypse.
Is that an illness?
What does she have?
They've been doing, people have been saying this stuff since Socrates that complained about the kids today.
Anyway, so I don't know if you have time, but Sherry O'Terry made some really controversial comments.
No, I'm kidding.
Oh, okay.
You know what's funny?
I just bumped into her the other night.
I was like, oh, why would, oh, Frank's got some dirt.
You know, she's actually very funny.
Okay.
I think the most shocking thing that I heard in that clip was that she has a teenage daughter.
Yeah.
It's like, what?
Somebody's had sex with her.
Yeah, well, there was a time, you know, teenage, so let's say 15 years ago maybe wasn't so bad, right?
She had this to say to me.
I'm like, no, it's not helping.
Did you, they should have an anti-they should have a celibacy campaign and tell kids that 50% of teenagers now have this new STD from oral sex.
That's what they should be, you know, doing instead of that, instead of trying to make kids gay.
Instead of trying to make kids gay.
Trying to make kids gay.
As George Takai said on Twitter, she's done more to make kids gay than drinking.
Now, listen, I just want to know why the liberals are pro-Muslim and pro-gay.
Muslims kill gays.
That was confusing to me.
And the only thing I can come up with is that the Muslims hate God and the gays hate God.
You did also.
Okay, so.
I have the feeling that the way she pictures complicated social events and economic policies is she just pictures a merry-go-round with each thing riding on a horsey.
That's our show for today.
That is Paul Gilmartin.
I want to thank everybody who helps make today's show possible.
Robert Yasamura, Jonathan Corbett, Stan Stanko, Steph Zamorano.
I want to thank my guests, Frank Conniff, Paul Gilmartin, Jonathan Corbett, for sitting in.
I want to thank my producer, Ali Lexa, for getting it done as always.
And I want to thank you for listening.
And I'll see you over at JimmyDoorComedy.com.
You see all the shows that are upcoming.
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