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Jan. 17, 2025 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

02:03:41

COPS AND ROBBER - EP100: HORNY PERPS

"A bunch of idiots ramble about their usual bullshit."

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	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
	Music
	Hello, welcome back to Get Off My Lawn, a special episode of Cops and Robber.
	This is a free app, Ryan.
	Oh!
	So, make it free.
	I don't know if we'll have the whole episode free, but at least some.
	I played that song, 24-7 Spies, cover of Jungle Boogie, because I assume you all know that in 1989...
	24-7 spies played Fouin' Electrique in Montreal, and they pulled all the women up on stage.
	And I was a 19-year-old feminist at the time, and I didn't like that.
	I thought the women were being exploited.
	I think they didn't want to get on stage, and he forced them on stage.
	And that pissed me off as an advocate for women's rights.
	So I went to their dressing room, and I stood by the dressing room like this, And as they were leaving the stage, going to the room, I said, Hey!
	They didn't want to get on stage.
	It was a New Year's Eve party.
	You just fucked up the whole New Year's Eve with that shit.
	And a gentleman named P. Fluid punched me in the face.
	Very hard.
	It was one of my early punches in the face.
	And as my brain got rattled in my cranium, I realized, oh, when you talk shit to people, there are consequences.
	Was it this band behind you, the Jungle Bunnies?
	Yes.
	The Jungle Bunnies were playing, what was it saying?
	Jungle Bunnies?
	Jungle Boogie is the song.
	It's a cover.
	And the band is 24-7 Spies.
	And the guy who punched me was P. Fluid.
	And after he punched me, I thought, mark my words, you're a dead man.
	And guess what happened?
	Almost immediately after, today, he was beaten to death in the Bronx.
	P-fluid lost his life.
	Today.
	So, don't fuck with me!
	Okay?
	36 years later?
	The time is not relevant, Matty.
	The point is that I said, you're fucked now.
	You fucked with the wrong dude.
	And...
	After, that's all that matters, is that it was after that, he was beaten to death in an alleyway in the Bronx.
	That's the kind of power I hold.
	And where have you pee fluid?
	If you want to live, don't fuck with me.
	If you want to die, punch me in the face as hard as you can.
	Welcome.
	Is that Stiggs at the door?
	Yeah.
	Let my Stiggs open the door.
	Is that for Food Electric?
	No, it's 1990. I could be off by a year.
	Where did he get killed at?
	What part of the Bronx?
	I don't know.
	The bad part?
	It's all bad.
	Welcome back, Stigs.
	Welcome back, Big John.
	It's snowing out there.
	It's snowing out here in the South Bronx.
	Welcome back, Manny O'Dell.
	You just got a new hairdo.
	I saw you, what, at 5 p.m.
	today?
	Yeah.
	And you've since got a new heritage.
	You sent me home from the bar.
	You said we have to go to the show.
	I made you spit take today.
	Yes, you did.
	It was very funny.
	I'm pretty happy with that.
	As a joking man, your goal is to make someone's drink come out of their nose.
	And I said to Doggy Style, who should be here.
	I don't know where the fuck she is.
	I said, hey, you got a new apartment.
	Should we christen it with a butt fuck?
	And she said, no.
	And then I said, how about Kevin?
	The bartender.
	As I was taking a sip.
	And Matty had White Claw coming out of his nose.
	I don't even find it that funny, but I'll take it.
	I guess the timing and where Kevin was, I don't know.
	I found it rather amusing.
	Dude, something crazy happened at the bar last night.
	I cannot get it out of my mind.
	Okay, you know the Geico ad with the caveman?
	It's so easy even a caveman could do it.
	And then a caveman sees the ad and he's offended because he's a caveman, right?
	We're all familiar with this ad?
	Agreed?
	Yes.
	So we were talking about the Redskins and there was some black dude trying to get in the bartender's pants.
	She's a very attractive young lady.
	And so when black dudes want to get in the chick's pants, they talk about how race doesn't matter.
	It's a good way to butter up the whites.
	So you go like, they lost the Redskins name?
	That's so dumb.
	Now we know you're not an uppity black and I'm going to blow you.
	She's engaged.
	She's not fucking up, but whatever.
	So he's doing that whole bit.
	And I go, Indians don't give a fuck about the name Redskins or Chief Pom Pom or whatever all that shit was, the Braves.
	That's just, they know there's a currency in it, so they pretended that they're offended.
	But, you know, they were polled in the early aughts, like 2% had a problem with the Redskins name.
	In the, like 10 years ago, it was up to 80% because they knew there was currency in it.
	I go, it's like the Geico caveman, you know?
	And then she goes, ready for this?
	She goes, oh, I hate those ads.
	Okay, they're pretty funny, but okay.
	Yeah, he's all offended because he's a caveman.
	And I'm like, what?
	And then the black guy goes, yeah, exactly.
	It's so stupid.
	Like, show me a caveman.
	Show me one caveman that's still around.
	His dad, maybe?
	Him?
	Yeah, look at him.
	Isn't that fucking amazing?
	I don't even think she was alive.
	That's where the story ends?
	That's the end of the story.
	That was very anticlimactic.
	Sounds like you had a real exciting and boring night.
	You don't think that's amazing that they took that ad seriously?
	No.
	I was like, wow, this story is really going someplace.
	You should close that fucking book.
	It's like when I was in Jamaica and the nanny that we had there for our daughter, if she was two at the time, she's 18 now, so this was a while ago, she...
	The nanny goes, all these people talking about Santa Claus delivering presents all night.
	Everyone in the world is getting a present in one night.
	I don't believe it.
	She's like 22 years old.
	You had a fucking nanny in Jamaica?
	You didn't bring her down from the States?
	I don't want her in the States.
	No, it was a resort.
	It was like a Sesame Street resort.
	I think it was called Pebbles in Jamaica.
	And with your room, you get a built-in nanny.
	So she takes your kid away and you can go fuck or whatever.
	There you go.
	It was great.
	They were mindful.
	It was mindful.
	It was resourceful.
	I would never do that.
	I know.
	I've learned a lot about you.
	Your stories are terrible and you'll just turn your kid over to anybody.
	Okay, I beg to differ, sir.
	A 22-year-old believing in Santa Claus is interesting, and someone thinking that the Geico ad, not getting the bit, that's relevant.
	Come on.
	You're leaving your fucking daughter in the care of a 22-year-old that believes in Santa Claus is the fucking problem.
	Do you guys know who his babysitter is now?
	No.
	Me!
	Oh, my God.
	Wow.
	I need a babysitter who will kill people if they come by the house.
	So my babysitter is the former head of the New Rochelle Hells Angels.
	I get calls all the time.
	Are you around?
	I need a babysitter.
	Yeah.
	I don't want some chick guarding my house and my family, my kids.
	I need a murderer.
	An autistic murderer.
	He's autistic?
	He's not on a spectrum.
	Okay.
	He's not off the spectrum either.
	Let's start the show, shall we?
	We shall.
	My board did the thing where it shorts.
	You board shorts?
	My board shorted.
	Oh, I like those kind of shorts.
	They're okay.
	We should probably tell everyone Ryan has quit the show.
	He's going to work for Sam Hyde.
	Sam Hyde is doing a show where he sits at a desk and goes through the news.
	I wanted a change of pace.
	And that sounds like a fun idea.
	So he poached Ryan from me.
	That's the sort of National Enquirer level headline.
	But really it's move out of New York.
	It was very inevitable.
	Needed.
	Sounds like Ryan's got no loyalty.
	Yeah, right.
	Dropped you like a hot potato.
	Well, I wanted to hire my brother many years ago, but I didn't want to leave Ryan broke and penniless, so I didn't.
	And now my brother's moved on, and I'm stuck with...
	No one.
	No one.
	Matty could fucking be your wingman now.
	Matty will be my sidekick.
	No good deed goes unpunished.
	Let that be a lesson to you.
	Today is the free episode.
	Wait, that's not a poaching, though.
	I promise you I had to leave New York because of vaccination laws.
	I don't know.
	And...
	There's a new law where they'll open a Child Protective Services file on you if you don't get vaccine, the same amount that a public school.
	That's actually a kid.
	But, Ryan, the way you survive in New York City is you have criminals who help you do crimes.
	Right, but what about the fact that we need a bigger apartment and we're already paying, like, three grand?
	Well, that's a different subject.
	You started with vaccinations.
	Well, no, it's all one big thing.
	Keep your kids away from Rockland County with all those heaps up there.
	They all got those fucking walking around with the measles.
	And the mumps.
	They got the mumps.
	They got every fucking thing.
	And their grumps, too.
	Up there in Muncie.
	Yeah.
	But also, yeah, buying a house would be important.
	But like I said, the timeline of you moving south and us needing to move away from New York did not line up.
	What about Gavin giving you a pay raise, a little bump?
	I mean, he gets paid full-time for a part-time job.
	I mean, I don't know.
	I think we disproved that with the time code.
	With the timesheets.
	And it's a salary job.
	You never held me to an hourly account, but then all of a sudden you did when I asked for a raise.
	Oh, fuck.
	Remember?
	Well, this won't be an issue anymore now that he's gone to Sam Hyde's camp.
	Now, who's in charge of human resources here?
	Matty?
	Matty is.
	It's Matty.
	If you're human and you're resourceful...
	All complaints go to Matty.
	All misuse of pronouns go to Matty.
	He's heard a lot of things.
	All legal questions go to Matt.
	All questions about resisting arrest go to Matty.
	Yes.
	Because this is the free episode, I would be remiss if I didn't talk about our sponsors.
	We have Nita Fashions.
	I wear a suit every day on the show, but not today.
	Because on Thursday nights we promote our t-shirt line.
	So I love Cairns.
	I think they take care of business.
	Nita Fashions is in London.
	And Switzerland?
	Is it?
	Check their schedule up here.
	But here's something fun about Need of Fashions.
	They have a lot of clients in LA who obviously have their wardrobes cleaned out with fire.
	So these people need to get all new shirts, all new suits.
	These are baby monsters who watch the show and use needed fashions to feather their nest.
	And now they're broke and it's all gone.
	So we are offering a 15% discount.
	It's called the Baby Monster Discount.
	So if you live in L.A. and you're a victim of the fire, call them, contact them, get your entire wardrobe rebuilt from scratch, shirts, suits, Everything.
	15% off as these guys rebuild your wardrobe from scratch.
	If you're not in L.A. and you're in London, we've got 22nd of January the 26th.
	They're going to be at the Intercontinental London Park.
	Contact them on their Instagram or their website.
	Then they're off to Zurich.
	They're for the end of January, 27th of January.
	29th, they're in Geneva.
	Geneva Convention.
	That's where it was conceived of.
	Grab me a Corona.
	And that's going to be them.
	So I think it's very cool.
	They're taking a 15% hit to rebuild the fires.
	And as a side note, I don't know.
	I think you should be pretty embarrassed if your house burned down in Los Angeles.
	You're 40 feet from the fucking ocean.
	The Pacific Ocean is right there.
	And we've seen a bunch of guys that just had a bunch of hoses attached to their roof, and they're fine.
	So what's the matter with you and your shitty city?
	Sorry.
	Unpopular opinion, but that is embarrassing.
	Dying to lose everything to a fire in 2024 when we've been dealing with fire issues since a year negative a million?
	Not a good look.
	They saved the fish, though.
	Did you see the dykes in charge of the fire department?
	I did.
	They fired her.
	Oh, my God.
	I did.
	I didn't see her.
	She's not fired yet.
	They said she was fired.
	She tried to.
	She shit on the mayor, and they tried to fire her, but they kind of had to walk that back.
	But the other one, you see the fat dyke that was like, ah, if you're in a fire, I can't drag you out because you got yourself in a bad spot?
	Thank you.
	The clipped-haired dyke?
	Yeah.
	She's fired?
	No, no, she's the DEI. How is she not fucking fired?
	She just said, people who burn to death deserve it.
	No, she said you got yourself, if it's a male, you got yourself in the wrong position.
	Yeah, that's what I said.
	Oh, not really, but we forgive you.
	But, you know...
	That's why you become a fireman, so you can drag a fat fuck like me down six flights of stairs.
	These guys jerk off to doing that kind of shit.
	You've got to hear them talk about fucking fires.
	As long as they're not jerking off when they're fucking dragging me down the stairs, I don't mind.
	If they can shoot big loads and it puts the fire out, I'm all for it.
	It's better than burn it to death.
	I saw a video of a guy putting out a fire, and there was nothing above him.
	Nothing was going to fall on him, and he was attacking the fire.
	And I'd never thought of this before, but I go, this must be kind of fun, putting out fires.
	And I texted our buddy Huey.
	And he goes, dude, it's awesome.
	It's like a video game.
	Like, you don't want shit to fall on you, so that's scary.
	And you don't want to have to, like, get, you know, a little kid out of there.
	That's fucked up.
	But as long as everyone's safe and you're just blasting fire, it's super fun.
	Shalanta.
	Shalanta.
	Cheers.
	Isn't it Slantia?
	I don't want to correct the actual Irish.
	It's Shawanta.
	Shawanta.
	Is the Gaelic pronunciation.
	Shawanta.
	You sounded kind of gay there, Matty.
	I didn't have anything to cheers.
	You had nothing to cheers and you sort of went like, cheers.
	I don't think so, Matty.
	How's your ball?
	It's hurting.
	So I'm kind of like standing.
	Matty had a ball attack before we started the show where just out of the blue his left ball hurt.
	I think I got...
	You were sweating?
	Yeah.
	It was making me sweat.
	It was like you got hit in the balls with a fucking nine iron.
	Did you stick it in a glory hole or something?
	No.
	But the weird thing, you get flicked in the balls, your balls hurt, and then they get better.
	But yours balls seem to be getting worse.
	Yeah.
	Yours balls.
	And it's still bad now.
	Can we look at them?
	Can we see it?
	Pull it out.
	Pull your balls out?
	Yeah, let's see your balls.
	Wait, how does this work if you're the HR department?
	He files a complaint against him.
	We're all agreeing to it.
	You should put it on ice.
	I've never seen balls get worse.
	I've seen balls get better.
	Are they getting bigger?
	If you step over here, I could zoom and pan and tilt.
	Can you die of, like, balls?
	Yeah, I think so, right?
	Set up on Gavin's chin.
	Let me taste it.
	Does it taste spicy?
	They're retracted right now.
	They're retracted?
	Like they're tight against my body because of this fucking underwear I'm wearing.
	Well, this is not a good ad for the underwear.
	Whatever underwear you're wearing is not a sponsor of ours.
	Can you get them from Anita Fashion, a couple pairs of underwear?
	What is happening, dude?
	What is going on?
	You can't even, like, touch your own ball?
	It's sore.
	Can we adjust that camera there, Ryan?
	What is going on?
	You can't even find it?
	Pull it down.
	What do you mean down?
	Where is it?
	Try going in from your asshole.
	No.
	Kid Gavin's bottle opener.
	I've known men for half a century.
	I've never come across this phenomenon of this increasing ball pain.
	I'm actually getting worried.
	Should we call an ambulance?
	No.
	What are you fucking coming?
	What are you doing?
	I'm going to get a hot looking EMS. One of those Bronx EMS girls that come over here.
	They got a Hasidic Jew too.
	Maybe I'll send him.
	When you pull your balls down, you feel...
	I never have to pull my fucking balls down.
	I never have to pull your balls down.
	When I was a baby, my balls had to drop.
	Ryan, can you adjust this camera or do you want me to do it?
	Hey, I know you're in pain, Matty, but could you stay in frame?
	Yeah, get in front of the camera.
	I want to see you in pain.
	So just reaching for your ball there, it made it worse.
	Maybe I gotta hurt you.
	But a hernia's your belly.
	Yeah, well, that's probably why they're sucked up into your fucking...
	Can you turn around a little, please?
	It's fucking painful.
	So you were fishing around to pull it out to show us, and that made it worse.
	I was pulling both down.
	Uh-huh.
	He says when you pull your ball down, you feel what's attached to them.
	What's that got to do with anything?
	I think it's twisted between whatever the fuck that shit is.
	You think your balls are like rotated wrong?
	You got your balls tangled up?
	Give it a whack with that driver.
	There we go.
	Does it seem bigger than usual?
	Looks like a red potato.
	It's ACDC, John.
	Looks like you dropped a red potato in a barbershop.
	How is it still hurting, though?
	You were complaining about this at 745. It's 820. An infection?
	How do you get an infection in your balls?
	Were you sticking your balls in some bitch's cunt?
	That'll do it.
	I told you not to do that, but no.
	No, you didn't listen.
	Why is it getting worse?
	Because it's fucking twisted.
	Twisted?
	What the fuck?
	Now, look at that camera.
	Thanks, John.
	Didn't I say, John, for Christmas, I wanted you to get me a John not helping me?
	That was my Christmas wish.
	Now, fucking Matty looks like he's on the Titanic.
	Is this an honor in David Lynch's passing?
	I can fix that.
	I'll adjust it.
	Okay.
	Definitely he's going to make it worse.
	His ball or the camera?
	That's fine.
	I got it.
	Wait, now you're going to fix it?
	Yeah.
	You didn't even fix your ball.
	How'd that even get knocked off kilter?
	Like, why would you adjust the tripod?
	All right.
	All right, let's start the show.
	Play the interstitial for Cops and Robbers, Ryan, please.
	The robber cops interstitial incoming in five four three two and Here is an african-american gentleman Mocking the police doing an okay job of
	Unfortunately, the people in this community are not capable of not cracking up, and it hurts a lot of the bits.
	Much like the Geico caveman, some people are taking it seriously.
	So you're not the pit bulls?
	You're doing a lot of this, and I need you to...
	Okay?
	Let me try to say it in a way that you'll understand it.
	Ooh, ooh, ah, ah.
	You got me fired from my dog.
	Hey, trust me, that was gonna happen anyways.
	Look at you.
	Put your hands behind your back gum back, you dirty baboon.
	Where's the warrant?
	That skin color's the warrant, man.
	Why are you here?
	Because you're black.
	I mean, your son.
	Hold on, let me put these gloves on.
	I don't want to touch your monkey skin.
	Hey, don't worry.
	That's rolling.
	And it's about to catch everything I'm about to do.
	You won't say anything else till you get a lawyer?
	I've been recording you this whole time.
	You've been recording me?
	Recurred.
	You can record me all you want.
	I know where that delete button is.
	Okay, you're not listening.
	She's about to piss me off.
	Get the Negro.
	Stop giggling, guys.
	You're ruining the joke.
	This is the Nelson Mandela pepper spray.
	Just for your folks.
	Y'all don't start de-escalating.
	I'm gonna start escalating.
	That's not a racial slur.
	I'm talking about she gets tall fast, Negro.
	My folks like to ride around on horses, torches, crosses.
	That's his pepper spray.
	It looks like a nipple pump.
	A breast pump.
	Yeah.
	Is he swinging too?
	Is he swinging?
	I mean, black, I mean, monkeys.
	That gun.
	What is happening with you now?
	Look at that fucking lost white girl there.
	The snow bunny.
	They call them snow bunnies.
	Is this all fake?
	Yes, it's a black guy joking around.
	And that...
	Do all things through Christ who strengthens your freaking people, ain't that right?
	Planet or not planet, he had them.
	Before you get punched in your black face, we're hearing a lot of barking.
	So you're not the pit bulls?
	You're doing a lot of this.
	Not that funny.
	Here's a fun video of a guy that just, he clearly wants to die.
	He's in a cop chase.
	He gets home safe.
	You're good.
	What are you going to get for a cop chase?
	Probably five years, worst case scenario.
	In New York, they're going to get shit.
	They just canceled all police chases.
	They just put an interim order out there in New York City.
	So if you're chasing someone...
	It has to be for a serious felony.
	Like shoplifters you're not going to chase.
	You would get fired if you chased them?
	No, this is police chases with cars.
	I understand.
	What if you chase a shoplifter as a police?
	If they tell you to call it off, I would fucking call everything off unless it was serious.
	It's because I'm like, what are you doing?
	You're going to wrap around a fucking tree or kill somebody for nothing.
	So once somebody says call it off, you keep going, you're kind of at your own fucking risk.
	Something happens, you're on your own.
	I'm like, yo, you violated your fucking order to call that shit off.
	I should say, Stiggs, I've noticed that 99% of the time you advocate for letting them go, not getting involved.
	The best policing is no policing.
	I would have just let them go.
	When you're in a fucking academy, look at the totality of the situation.
	What's really going on, the whole thing.
	They want to get away.
	That's their fucking job is to get away.
	Your job is to catch them.
	But the risk you're going through and the fucking potential of liability and shit that could happen for a bullshit charge is not worth the fucking risk.
	Most of the times you know who they are.
	They're fucking habitual scumbags.
	You're going to catch them another time anyway.
	But why are you going to risk?
	Look at that.
	It's the middle of the fucking day.
	You're going to chase somebody?
	Unless they took a shot at you or they're raping a fucking nine-year-old, everything else is kind of...
	Well, I think in this one, the guy's only crime was he was having a road-raided incident with a bus driver, and he was following the bus, and someone called the cops.
	Is that worth splattering a fucking family of four?
	Nope.
	Okay, there you go.
	Now you just answered your own question.
	Jesus fucking Christ.
	Holy shit.
	You're disgusting.
	That sounded like a cute little baby elephant.
	Look at the amount of fucking people that could get killed.
	Yeah.
	Like, you're going to have to answer for that shit.
	And in New York, they're going to throw you to the fucking wolves.
	You're not going to be protected civilly.
	But you guys still get your free lawyers, right?
	You get free lawyers up to indictment.
	And then you're on your own.
	So if you lose, you got to pay?
	Well, yeah, up to the arraignment.
	You got to fucking pay.
	And generally, the lawyers are supposed to be good.
	They fucking suck.
	You're gonna want to get your own guy.
	You should hire me.
	laughs Roll your windows down from the bus.
	He seems pretty cool, pretty compliant.
	What is this, California?
	I don't know.
	Looks pretty Californian.
	It said Route 110. What state is that?
	110 is New York.
	That looks like Pasadena.
	It looks like where Scary Perry lives.
	Okay, we're doing good.
	Wait, what'd you do there?
	Put his hands out.
	Okay, we're good.
	Actually, fuck it.
	I'm out of here.
	He says "Oh." Oh.
	That's what we're doing.
	Bye.
	So here he is.
	He's going to come out on the left-hand side.
	The corner there.
	Turn it up.
	- Other side of the building, guys.
	Other side of the building, go south.
	- And he just pulls it.
	- Right there. - - - - That's just suicide right there.
	Suicide by cop.
	Right?
	Again, obviously you would have fucking...
	I would have did that.
	But, you know, you've got to think, like, as a fucking boss, you're like, yo, what about the people in there?
	What if he shoots somebody in the fucking house?
	Yeah.
	The problem is when you become, like, a sergeant or a fucking lieutenant, you're also liable for what these retards do.
	So if they fucking kill a little nine-year-old kid playing Nintendo in the living room, well, you're going to be arrested, too.
	Yeah, especially this cheap housing with that dumb EFA structure.
	It's just like eggshell and then styrofoam and then plywood and drywall and that's the house.
	So those bullets are all going through all those living rooms, all those kitchens.
	I had a friend of mine, his wife was in a car accident out in Newark.
	They were chasing a car.
	And she was a nurse going to a hospital and she wound up losing her kid.
	No way!
	They bought a big house about three or four years later.
	I'm sure they got a few cents.
	Oh, then it's worth it.
	That's cool.
	One of our guys killed somebody.
	A guy was having a problem when somebody was taking a piss.
	So he called for more units.
	The guy was going with his fucking lights and siren.
	T-boned a lady in her shell.
	Pushed her into a fucking flower store and killed her.
	Like, you really want to kill somebody?
	Because some guy's having a problem.
	Some Mexican won't listen to him while he's trying to write him a pisser ticket?
	To me, that's the problem.
	Who the fuck wants to answer for that?
	Yeah, but the other side of the coin is all you've got to do now, if there's anything going on, any shit going down, is just jump in your car and take off.
	But there's also devices in police cars now that, after a car accident, they download the, what do you call it, the computer.
	The data there?
	The data.
	And obviously, if the duty captain comes, you're going to say, of course the lights were on, but meanwhile the lights weren't on.
	How fast were you going?
	10, 20 miles an hour.
	They get the data.
	You're going 50 miles an hour.
	You got no lights on.
	You got this going.
	So you can't even fucking lie anymore.
	Is that bad?
	We don't lie, Big John.
	I never lied once.
	Well, you can't exaggerate her.
	Except to my girlfriends.
	So you're saying it's bad that cops can't lie anymore.
	Is that what you're saying?
	Exactly.
	Okay.
	We won't be able to administer justice.
	Just want that for the record.
	Here's some asshole.
	This guy is acting exactly like a six-year-old boy.
	This is what little kids are like.
	And by the way, no one has shoes.
	Get some fucking shoes!
	She's wearing her socks.
	Put some shoes on.
	We've invented shoes.
	Not where they're from.
	I bet they have no underwear on either.
	I bet they just put on their shorts.
	And they have this mini graveyard in front of their damn house.
	Happy Halloween.
	I bet it was Halloween six months ago.
	Yeah.
	This is in May.
	I've never seen you.
	Yes, ma'am.
	Okay.
	Sit down.
	Don't go inside.
	Why?
	Because I'm going to get shot if I go inside.
	Look at that.
	Thank you.
	Isn't that a kid?
	I wonder if that's his car.
	No, definitely not.
	It's a Nissan Ultra.
	It's probably one of their white girlfriends.
	Talk to me.
	There's no need to yell.
	But me yelling is a crime?
	It's disorderly conduct.
	There's people all around.
	One more time.
	Hold it.
	the real police are here now when you call these when you call these cracker and And by the way, get your kid in the house.
	It could be a shootout.
	He might get into it with the cops where they're shooting each other.
	So get the kid in the house.
	Do you have a gun on you, nothing?
	Did you shoot a gun?
	Right here in the dirt.
	Scare him off.
	Scare who off?
	That fucking dude right there.
	- I call John.
	- I'm not so insulating, but he looks white.
	He looks like a white girlfriend.
	- So can I ask you a question?
	- Can she finish speaking?
	- No, 'cause he's lying already.
	- No, I'm not.
	- They came over here to call the cops.
	- Will you guys just stay out here for me?
	- Yeah.
	- He got shot by someone in Minecraft.
	- I don't care about my house next to you.
	- For the shotgun?
	- Yeah.
	- Okay. - I can't figure anything out when everyone's yelling at me.
	So we cannot talk to somebody.
	As soon as she finishes talking...
	This is why things are fucked up.
	That little kid's learning how to react to the police.
	The cycle.
	What's he fucking eating?
	He's eating some fucking popcorn or something.
	It's like a little television.
	He's eating Tide Pods.
	He's eating Tide Pods.
	She's super intimidating.
	I listen to her too.
	She looks like she dates a guy like him.
	Alright, I'm out of here.
	This is gay.
	Bye.
	No, you cannot.
	You can sit right here.
	You're involved in a disturbance.
	Put your hands behind your back.
	Why are you resting?
	I'm not doing that.
	Put your hands behind your back, dude.
	Put your hands behind your back.
	Because I asked him to stop here and he keeps walking away.
	You see what I'm saying?
	Because you don't listen to white people.
	They do what they want.
	If you don't listen to white people, they do what they want.
	You feel safe now?
	Do you feel safe?
	My baby's right there.
	Go ahead.
	You know what's great about this show?
	When they get really annoying, we just go, all right, that's enough of that.
	But the cops have to stay there and take them to jail and fill out all the paperwork.
	they don't get to click off his his fro and say hey stay there don't move He's going to scream, ow, my hair!
	That's fine.
	The cop's not taking control of the situation.
	He can take the gloves, the cuffs, and just pull them up a little.
	We will.
	He's going to put him in the backseat of his car.
	It will.
	It will solve the problem for tonight.
	If he's not under arrest, New York, you're violating his rights.
	You're fucking with him.
	Stop pulling, dude.
	Get off.
	You can get charged with resisting.
	All right.
	Oh, he's getting charged with resisting.
	Uh-oh.
	He's under arrest.
	No, no.
	Yeah, he is.
	Uh-oh.
	Easy, John.
	Easy.
	If you listen to what he says, he goes, what, are you going to bring me to jail for tonight?
	And he goes, yeah.
	Don't poke the volcano!
	How's your ball, by the way?
	You seem pretty good.
	Hurts.
	Call the police?
	Call the police?
	What's the guarding over there?
	What, they got three fucking hedges?
	Alright, boring.
	Here's a very wholesome...
	Actually, you know what?
	Why don't we jump over to female cops?
	Because she was a female cop.
	And we have a lot of great female cop stuff in the pipeline.
	Hit it.
	It's crime fighting time.
	Fighting crime in a future time.
	What could go wrong?
	Did you see this Governor Hochul thing?
	The state of the state?
	Yeah.
	Ryan, I'm sending it to you now.
	Text or email?
	Text.
	Okie dokie.
	It is...
	Like, I've sent it to a few people, and I have to say, this is real.
	You're not seeing AI. You're not seeing a joke.
	This is the governor of New York having a state of the state.
	An opening with a dance troupe dressed in suits.
	That are 100 years old.
	That are 100 years old.
	But very diverse, by the way.
	You get it not.
	They weren't diverse.
	They were all fucking...
	It was women, blacks, and...
	You get the fucking government you deserve.
	Same thing with fucking California.
	They voted for that scumbag.
	They voted for Karen Bass.
	They're getting absolutely every fucking thing they deserve.
	This is what New York asked for.
	Look at this.
	That's exactly what we deserve.
	Look at this.
	This is the government we fucking deserve in New York.
	What a fucking embarrassment.
	This is an absolute fucking abortion.
	And look at these fucking creatures.
	What are they?
	Is that Hillary Clinton back then?
	She looks like the predator.
	Who is this?
	Just like fucking Gavin's old nanny from Jamaica What is happening They're not even synchronized.
	Like, it's a mess.
	It's a cacophony of dance.
	What are they supposed to be doing?
	Look, they're doing a medley, too.
	It's not just one song.
	It's poison.
	I didn't even see this, and I'm fucking insulted.
	But if you practice a dance, shouldn't you be in sync?
	That girl is poison.
	Wow.
	How embarrassing is this?
	Look, they have sneakers on?
	They probably wear all new uniforms and shoes and everything.
	Look at that white woman.
	Like they're going to Heaven's Gate.
	Yeah.
	A couple blankets.
	I wish the air ducts were pumping poison.
	This looks like a cool show we should probably check out.
	A super cool female cop show where the chicks are badasses and you better be 100% with them.
	Or you're 100% against them.
	That's the way it works with these motherfuckers.
	We think we know what this job is.
	- This makes me fucking violently ill to watch.
	I'd be so heroic. - Rocket fuel.
	Nice.
	How'd you do at the academy?
	Second in my class.
	No matter how many.
	He's looking up to her because she's like his mentor.
	You know I'm big on effort.
	But if you give me effort, I can teach you the rest.
	Got you.
	This is Dick Wolf's creation.
	Diaz, what's your 20?
	Drop the hatchet!
	Don't do it!
	That seems pretty irrelevant.
	An EDP killed himself.
	I feel like you know everything about me.
	I know nothing about you.
	She has cats, I'll tell you that much.
	She has plants that eat bugs like a Venus flytrap.
	My uncle used to fucking bang him when she was seven.
	It's just a male character.
	He's my next training.
	Is he cool?
	Journey's still out.
	Journey's still out.
	We'll see.
	I've got some people gunning for me.
	I don't want that coming off on you.
	Remember what they say about harm?
	Well, it's a cursory fucking lesbian black chick.
	You're either 100% with you or you're an in-charge black guy.
	Hey, there's no question.
	Sooner or later.
	I'm 100% with you.
	100%.
	She's Jewish, by the way.
	The actress is Jewish?
	Yeah.
	I'll put...
	Five bucks on it.
	Okay, that's a lot.
	They do own Hollywood.
	Hollywood, fucking academia, big pharma, our government.
	Homosexuals are 1% of the population.
	Lesbians are half of that.
	So this show is for 0.5% of the population.
	How do you market that?
	It might get cancelled soon.
	I'm sure it'll be cancelled.
	Well, it's Amazon, so.
	No fear.
	Jeff Bezos has millions of dollars to throw away.
	Unless he fucks her, this is not realistic.
	On call.
	On prime right now.
	She's a fucking badass.
	I wish they did a fucking cop show about me.
	I bet your hairballs don't hurt.
	A cop show about you would just be like, ah, don't fucking bother.
	Just let him go.
	98% of me is getting free coffee places.
	It's not worth it.
	Here, just stay here.
	Stay here.
	In an hour, we'll show up and do a report.
	Watching Netflix on my thing, gambling on my fucking phone.
	It's not worth it.
	Well, didn't you tell your underlings, if any of you fucking cowboys go out there and start kicking ass, I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
	Do not do arrests.
	And a guy went and shot somebody the same fucking day.
	It's the last time I told him that.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Was that the Mike Flowers thing?
	Kamal Flowers.
	Holy shit.
	What happened with that?
	Literally, the fucking seven days after George Floyd.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That caused a lot of...
	June 5th it happened.
	The joint floor was fucking May 27th.
	Kamal Flowers went to shoot a cop.
	Yes.
	His magazine fell out of his gun, so he had no bullets.
	No, no, he had a bullet in the chamber, so Glocks are combat guns, they'll shoot without a fucking magazine.
	Most guns won't.
	So he pulled the trigger, it went click, it wouldn't fire.
	His DNA was on the fucking trigger.
	Cop fucking lit him up.
	But that's the same guy who said, yo, don't go do anything.
	They don't want us to do shit.
	Go hang out in the parking lot.
	I was literally playing poker on my phone when a call came over.
	And then there was all kinds of protests all over the place.
	Black Lives Matter.
	In his defense, he made us...
	He literally made us $500,000 in overtime.
	Because you had to guard everything for the riots.
	Yeah, it was fantastic.
	And I got an inside job literally two weeks later.
	Don't you think a lot of these blacks...
	With that kind of conflict, they don't really care that he was guilty.
	They don't care that he was trying to shoot a cop.
	Their thing is more tribal.
	It's like, you killed one of ours, we want to kill one of yours.
	Actually, no.
	Believe it or not, there's a very vocal minority that does acts like that.
	In reality, the majority of the fucking black people in the community love the police.
	I know from what you see from this fucking show, it's not true.
	It is actually one million percent true.
	If you're stationed at a post on a holiday, I couldn't tell you how much fucking food they would bring us.
	You know, plates and plates and trays and shit.
	Really?
	I agree with you.
	I think the Spanish love us more.
	Well, you know, my dumb wife dropped her purse in the South Bronx at some fucking dumb used clothing store.
	Some 99 cent store.
	Salvation Army thing that my daughter likes to go to.
	They saw John's detective card in her wallet because I gave it to her.
	And the guy called up John and said, I have your wife's purse with the money and everything.
	Yeah.
	No, the money was gone.
	Was it gone?
	Yeah, the money was gone.
	But what they did was they took the money out and they threw it on the floor.
	And there's an old Spanish guy.
	I always tell my wife that or anybody.
	If you lose your wallet, a criminal has to find it in order for someone to use your cards.
	Like most, the average African-American or fucking Spanish person, they're hardworking people.
	Yeah, that's true.
	They're not going to take the card.
	What I recommend to people is throw it in the mailbox.
	But now, you got those fucking small slots.
	That's what I always used to tell people when I was working.
	Hey, I found somebody's wallet.
	Throw it in the mailbox.
	I'm not vouchering that.
	I think if I found a wallet, I would take the money.
	It's my finder's fee.
	I agree with you.
	I'll get you your wallet back.
	I'll give you your ID and your cards and everything.
	It's bad karma.
	But I'm not.
	I get the $500.
	It's a fee.
	It's a fee.
	Did you hear about the CO who was raped for hours?
	Now, the reason I put this in the female cop category, I'm not saying she's negligent, but females should not be corrections officers.
	Everyone wants to fuck them.
	Oh, they should be correction officers in female jails.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	They should not be in male jails where everyone has a fucking coconut smasher of a boner.
	And a coconut head.
	By a convicted killer and rapist inside her workplace.
	She's now suing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation.
	You shouldn't have been there in the first place.
	Sorry.
	Sorry to blame the victim.
	KCRA 3's Michelle Bandura explains that.
	The lawsuit against the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation outlines the ordeal experienced by Correctional Officer Katie Jackson.
	My life, along with my children, my family...
	They must have been there for fucking life.
	I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick.
	The mother of three thought she was going to be killed on the job January 20th, 2024...
	They were beating her with dick.
	They were beating the inside of her vagina.
	- There were a lot of failed security measures.
	- She has young kids, you gotta tell them when they get older, how did your wife, how did your mom die?
	She was beat to death with a dick. - It could have easily been prevented, and it wasn't. - The facility houses low and medium security inmates, many who trained for the firefighter program Violent offenders are not supposed to stay there.
	Jackson's lawyers say Robert Lawrence Ransom Jr. should have never been transferred to Jamestown because of his violent background as a killer.
	Do you know Jamestown, Matty?
	Where is that?
	Ohio?
	I don't know.
	Virginia.
	No, it says California.
	I know lawyers like to have long hair.
	All inmates were accounted for and said to be secured in their cells.
	In reality, the document says, ransom was concealed within a laundry cart and officers inexcusably failed to detect ransom, declaring the cart clear.
	Lawyers called this a dereliction of duty.
	Jackson says learning the officer's routines, ransom disguised himself as an officer and she mistakenly let him into the control room.
	He's a very sneaky rapist.
	Yeah.
	So she lets him in, and now she's suing.
	Yep.
	He disguised himself as an officer?
	How?
	There must be no fucking jobs anywhere in the state other than that for her to do that shit.
	You couldn't fucking pay me enough to be correct.
	The only reason she got that job is McDonald's wouldn't hire her.
	But she hopes the lawsuit will change the culture behind bars.
	You are undermined constantly at every corner, and the inmates essentially have more rights and more power than you do as correctional officers.
	You do that go in.
	Correct.
	My cousin's the president of the union at Rikers.
	He says it's fucking hell on earth.
	For everybody.
	The inmates, the fucking...
	The crisis offices, it's the worst place in New York by far.
	Really?
	Oh, it's a fucking...
	It's post-apocalyptic.
	First off, it fucking stinks.
	It's the worst smelling place I've ever been to.
	And it is fucked up.
	Like, it's hot.
	It stinks.
	You've got to fucking fight.
	The crisis offices are outnumbered.
	They out of work sometimes triples because there's not enough crisis offices.
	It's the worst fucking job on the planet.
	I don't know how people do that shit.
	Aren't they talking about shutting it down?
	They keep saying that.
	That's what the city council says.
	They keep saying that.
	It's just a fucking smoke stream.
	What sucks about the correctional officers, they gotta go across a bridge, and then they gotta get a...
	They gotta take...
	It's a distance to get into jail, so...
	They have to wait for a relief, so they're doing double shifts.
	And they have body cameras.
	It's all fucked up.
	You can't put prisoners in solitary confinement.
	They have a rough job.
	It's like an eight-hour fucking maximum for solitary confinement.
	And some of these dudes are...
	And now, with Bell Reform, you've got to be an absolute fucking monster to go in jail.
	Like, it's complete fucking animals in there.
	It's not just your rant.
	It's not Matty O'Dell.
	It's absolute fucking monster.
	Maybe it's a young Matty O'Dell.
	There's some places...
	I can't remember the name of the block.
	I was with a couple of other guys upstate.
	When they come out for their half hour, around the 23-1...
	They get chained to a chair.
	Like a cement chair.
	And that's it.
	And that's their free time?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	That sounds like you're talking about a jaguar or some sort of exotic animal.
	Because they're the worst of the worst.
	But it's funny when you start cracking up.
	How's your ball?
	It hurts.
	It still hurts.
	I don't know why.
	It's like a very sharp acute pain.
	Do you want any...
	Should we massage it, maybe?
	Why don't you stick a bottle of Corona down here and cool it off?
	Get doggy style here.
	Oh, easy.
	Avengers Assemble.
	Next link.
	I hope I didn't miss a joke about my daughter.
	I'm going to ignore it.
	This is funny.
	This is what people think of female cops.
	Avengers Assemble.
	Assemble.
	Fucking cow.
	She'd get it.
	One, two, three, four.
	I have no reason to search.
	This is your sister's friends in the police force.
	Avengers!
	Assemble.
	Assemble.
	How can you not know the word assemble?
	Here is another awesome female cop being cool.
	She wants you to know that she's incredibly talented and you should pay attention to her.
	I agree wholeheartedly.
	What's up?
	We're here.
	Night shift.
	Rocking it.
	Yes.
	I'm out here on a night shift with my girl, Orocho.
	And here's the lesson.
	Ready?
	If you think you have the ability to lead your people when they want in, then make the sacrifices and lead by example.
	Show up, even if it's cold, even if it's 8 o'clock at night.
	Get out there.
	You can't have your people trust what you're doing if you can't show them that you can do it yourself.
	Everybody be safe.
	Have the best captain.
	Oh, I love you.
	Oh, yeah, they're going to kill fucking 69 later.
	I got the vibe from that that they think it's a big deal to work nights.
	Like, even if you gotta show up at 8pm, do it, man.
	That's what it's all about.
	Yeah, it's so late.
	8 o'clock at night.
	Wow.
	What are you doing?
	8 till 2am?
	Holy fuck.
	You're devoted.
	She's doing overtime in that picture.
	Here's another.
	Go skip one down, Ryan, to the TikTok video.
	TikTok.
	TikTok.
	TikTok's leaving us soon, guys.
	I don't think so.
	Oh, I've seen this.
	Nice.
	I think Kick is buying TikTok.
	She'd get it.
	I'd fuck her brains out, but she's got fucking absolutely zero business being a cop, especially down there.
	Like, she could be a cop in Scarsdale or fucking Irvington, you know, Bedford.
	Being a fucking New York City cop, she's a fucking complete liability.
	And you know what's funny?
	She's filming that.
	There's no accountability for that.
	Like, if that was a male cop, they'd suspend him.
	Oh, look.
	Go back to that.
	Go back to that.
	Go back.
	You can see my fucking thing, Lord Commander.
	I'd rather go to the call alone.
	That's me.
	That is.
	Oh, that is you?
	Yeah.
	That's you?
	Yeah.
	That's hilarious.
	Show them the picture.
	That's me.
	I won a fucking Golden Globes.
	That's you when you were boxing.
	When I fought in Golden Globes.
	Is it right to show your whole profile?
	I don't give a fuck.
	What are they going to do?
	Get fired?
	Oh, well, I'll show that one.
	Fuck it.
	I'm retired.
	I don't give a fuck.
	It's a picture of us.
	She's like, I'm with these fucking assholes right now.
	All right, let's watch this yoga bitch become a nightmare.
	Yoga?
	That's the next one.
	Back in 2024, an officer in Whitefield Bay, Wisconsin, observed a white BMW going 30 miles per hour over the speed limit.
	The driver, later identified as a 35-year-old named Mallory, initially pulled over.
	But she's five years old?
	She looks great for five.
	She's at 35. Oh.
	My video's cropped.
	Yoga chicks live forever.
	148 traffic.
	I want to fuck a yoga chick tonight.
	How far back is she parked?
	Yeah, she's parked 50 feet behind the car.
	Hold on, let me jog up there and get a fucking driver's license.
	Let me put on a podcast on my phone while I walk to your car.
	Nope, not happening.
	She's waiting two more.
	Okay, now we're stopping again.
	This is clearly a drunk person.
	But look how far she's fucking parked.
	She's very tactically sound.
	Doesn't she sound inept?
	Turn the car off.
	Now.
	Roll down your window and place your hands outside the car with the keys in your hand.
	This sounds made up.
	You're going to shoot her?
	This goes back to Stiggs.
	This bitch doesn't play.
	48, I got Stiggs at Glendale.
	I'll wait until 48. Stop, stop, stop.
	What?
	Sticks?
	Stop sticks.
	Like to puncture the tires?
	No, he's got stings in the trunk.
	He's going to pull them out.
	No, they're things that puncture your tires.
	Remember the old school days when you backed up over the fucking parking lot thing?
	Yeah, yeah.
	Beep beep.
	What the fuck is she doing here?
	She's got a...
	You know, Maddie, jump in here.
	You're Mr. Liberal.
	It's a fucking car stop for speeding and she's got a long gun out.
	I thought she just has the sticks thing.
	She was getting a long gun.
	No, that was the other guy.
	The guy who had the stop sticks in front of her in case she runs again.
	She doesn't have a car.
	She should be waiting for backup.
	See that guy throw him out?
	Jesus Christ.
	He didn't deploy him.
	Get out of the car now!
	Get out now!
	Get your hands up!
	Do it now!
	Get your hands up!
	She's laughing.
	Put your hands out the window and shut out the car!
	Do it now!
	Hold on, I'm gonna jog up to you.
	Shut the car off, do it now!
	Do it now!
	Oh, I'm so fucking happy I don't ever have to deal with this bullshit again.
	Thank you.
	You want me to hear a dick, or you want me back in the sky?
	Give me a dick.
	Give me a dick.
	Give me a fucking hands up.
	Hands up.
	I got a taser.
	This is done for your life forever, Sticks.
	What are you guys doing?
	I didn't do anything.
	If you run, I'm going to tase you.
	Face the car.
	Hands behind your back.
	Okay, I didn't do anything.
	Stop resisting.
	Oh, stop resisting.
	Oh, I would put my fucking thumb right in her ass.
	You almost hit me.
	Oh, I think you're holding something.
	Would you be like this?
	Oh, yeah.
	What about my heart?
	Is she upset?
	Is she crying?
	Or laughing?
	You should be trying a little better.
	Can you zoom out so we can see the subtitles?
	You said you should be trained a little better.
	She's got a Jew-y vibe.
	I bet she's in a fucking amazing way.
	What gives it away, the nose?
	Such a fucking racist, man.
	She can smell dinner tomorrow.
	She's only got a big nose because the air is free.
	That woman would be the best lay of your life, guaranteed.
	You fuck her in the ass.
	You don't want to keep a virginity for a husband.
	A husband Hiram.
	Her marriage fell apart because she kept cheating on him.
	Because she's an insatiable whore.
	Can you call my husband Saul or Abe?
	Rebecca, calm down.
	Calm down, Rebecca.
	You're making it worse.
	What?
	You want to make me in jail?
	Rhoda, will you calm down?
	You're making it worse.
	You're going to cost me so much in lawyer fees.
	I got to get a lawyer.
	Don't worry.
	Your cousin Abe, he's a good lawyer.
	He'll get you out.
	We'll call Saul.
	He'll get the bail.
	She's dressed like she just came from the fucking hot yoga studio.
	I bet her pussy smells like a warm turtle tank.
	Probably over there drinking wine or something.
	But this is probably a small department like Scarsdale.
	Whitefish.
	What is that?
	Whitefish Bay?
	Yeah, Whitefish.
	What did they get over there?
	There's probably one bank in the town.
	I'll look it up.
	Whitefish Bay.
	It's a one-horse town.
	It's on one of the Great Lakes.
	Wisconsin, right?
	Yeah, Wisconsin.
	Yeah, it's a cute little town.
	Yeah, and they got the fucking crime of the century here.
	Two hours and 41 minutes from here, $130 by plane.
	Where is it?
	Population 14,000?
	Yeah.
	That's the whole police force.
	Problem is these tiny, small fucking jobs like that, they get so excited because they don't ever actually have to deal with shit.
	So they get so fucking excited for this kind of shit, and it's the best thing ever.
	That's an old-fashioned mic, too.
	It's just north of Milwaukee.
	Well, Milwaukee's a real police department.
	Yeah, it's basically the Westchester of Milwaukee.
	It's like the Pelham of Milwaukee.
	At least she got to keep her vape.
	Thank God.
	I like that kind of body.
	Just a little bit of meat on the belly.
	You can't have this.
	Let go.
	No.
	Who says?
	Who says?
	Hey, somebody else come over here, please.
	Take Paulie from him.
	What the fuck?
	Never mind.
	You want to take this?
	Yeah.
	So much of police work just looks so fucking tedious.
	Oh, you have no fucking idea.
	Oh, no, that's okay.
	Like, this is just babysitting a bad kid.
	It's not just even that.
	It's like she got detention.
	You gotta take her shit.
	You gotta fucking log all her property.
	You gotta go through it.
	You know, if she's a dewey, you gotta put her in a fucking room.
	You gotta watch her for 20 minutes.
	And you gotta ask her if she wants to take the test.
	And you gotta watch her again.
	It's a fucking absolute nightmare.
	Everything about it is fucking miserable.
	And if she starts just scratching her face for no reason, now that's your problem.
	She's got a scratched up face.
	What's that little fucking ring you put keys on?
	You know those metal rings where you slide the key in the middle?
	Yeah, a little loop.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Carabiner?
	He took that loop, and it was a thicker loop.
	Like, you know, they come in fucking, they're really very thin-sized.
	Anyway, he straightened it out somehow and was stabbing himself in the fucking balls.
	In the balls?
	In the balls.
	And they didn't find him after he had plunged it like seven or eight times into his cock.
	He was bleeding fucking everywhere.
	And now you're getting sued because you allowed a man to stab himself in the ball.
	You think Maddie got bad balls.
	If you lost all your vacation, you'd be lucky.
	Because you obviously didn't fucking search him.
	Guys got jammed the fuck up.
	Not only are you babysitting these fucking drunk retards, but if they're actual fucking crazy people and they do something, you're now responsible for them.
	We really never enforced DWI at all in the Bronx.
	That wasn't done at all.
	Oh, really?
	Highway 1 did it, but we never did that.
	But if it was a drug collar and we were on the scene, if they had a phone, if they had money, we would fucking give it away.
	We're going to have to voucher it.
	Give it to a family member.
	You get large sums of money.
	They hold that shit for fucking ever.
	Listen, I get it.
	It's probably fucking illegal money.
	You only have to take $100 to central booking.
	Anything over $100 has to be vouchered.
	John, do you ever feel bad that you devoted so many years of your life to fighting cocaine, which is basically just weed?
	What a waste.
	This is nose beers.
	We made a difference.
	You were a nose beer cop.
	Thanks.
	We made a difference.
	I like to think I made a difference.
	How many people OD'd on cocaine?
	Chris Farley?
	No, that was heroin and coke.
	John Belushi?
	That was heroin and coke.
	But it was coke.
	It was the heroin that did it.
	You can't definitively say which one killed him.
	Yes, I can.
	Cocaine is just coffee weed.
	I'm not anti-cocaine.
	I'm anti-fentanil.
	That's why I won't do cocaine.
	Oh, absolutely.
	Fentanil I want off the streets.
	But cocaine?
	Yeah, but you know what the problem is?
	If I get fucking...
	I'd love to do cocaine.
	It was fantastic.
	But if you fucking...
	If I get fentanyl, my friends will still...
	They'll just keep my number in the group chat and continually text me while I'm dead.
	And I can't let them talk shit about you.
	Yeah, I remember you saying that.
	That you don't want to do cocaine because it might have fentanyl and then you'd be made fun of in your grave.
	Yep.
	Let's jump over to a subject we rarely get to on this show called cop emails.
	How's your ball?
	Matt, can you get a Corona?
	Yep.
	It's getting better?
	These things are tasting like I'm going to a casino after this.
	You are?
	I haven't been up there in a long time.
	You've got pictures.
	Unless you guys want to go to the bar.
	One more, one more, please.
	You've got to have a full one.
	This email is from a guy named Ty, and his subject for this particular email is so sad to hear.
	Matty passed away.
	I don't know what you heard, sir.
	Matty's right here.
	His left ball is at death's door.
	He's definitely not doing great, but he is alive as of January 16th, 9.04 p.m.
	The man is alive.
	I don't know what this...
	I will remember you.
	You ugly motherfucker.
	I will remember you.
	Resisting arrest.
	Yeah, I think that's a misunderstanding.
	I don't think Matty actually died.
	He definitely was very upset about being arrested for something that you don't have.
	Can I just say what Ron and Tim were trying to say and Stiggs and John?
	This is their contention.
	I don't want to get you riled up.
	So there's a guy in a white t-shirt who punched an old lady.
	The cops see me on the street and they go, sir, you're being detained.
	A woman was punched by a guy in a white t-shirt with a funny mustache.
	And I go, okay, okay.
	So we're going to drive her by in the cruiser and she's going to look at you and if you're the guy, you're in trouble.
	If you're not, you're free to go.
	Okay, okay.
	It's called a show up.
	So then I just start running.
	I just take off.
	The cop...
	The cop tackles me and now I'm arrested for resisting arrest.
	What is the arrest?
	Obstruction of a government action.
	What was the government action?
	Doing the, what do you call it?
	The show up.
	I obstructed the show up by running away.
	So that is my arrest.
	Well, OGA is a totally different charge.
	So if I go to arrest Matty fucking shoplifts, or at least we think Matty shoplifts, right?
	Which he does.
	Well, of course.
	But hypothetically speaking, it's not him this time.
	I go, I put him in the fucking street.
	Shopkeeper says, that guy in the fucking lime green shirt is fucking stole a pack of fucking Magnum Rockets.
	With the bald head and the big bull.
	I put him in cuffs.
	I go to put him in cuffs.
	He begins to fucking fight me.
	You know, now...
	It turns out it wasn't him.
	It was some other fucking autistic retard in a lime green shirt who stole it.
	However, he was resisting what was a lawful arrest.
	So even though he's not going to be charged with...
	I wasn't arrested though.
	He's charged with resisting because he resists it.
	It's like the poll law.
	You can't resist a lawful arrest.
	So even if you do and it's not bullshit, you're still going to be charged with resisting.
	Thank you, Matt.
	Don't ever argue with us again.
	I wasn't arrested for anything.
	No, you were being arrested for shoplifting, for fucking pennant larceny.
	See, but no, no, no.
	See, I was under arrest.
	I was under arrest for shoplifting.
	So, yes, it turns out it wasn't you.
	However, during the time we had probable cause to arrest you because somebody pointed you out.
	Right, but the underlying arrest, quote unquote, the underlying reason you were placing me in the custody was for a crime.
	Yes.
	Right.
	But if it turns out you...
	Now, here's the thing.
	You could have the original charge thrown out and still have the...
	But we won't even charge you for that.
	But you won't put that on the online booking sheet.
	No cop in the history of the world ever wrote up a report, a complaint that says he was arrested for resisting arrest and that's it.
	Ever.
	Obviously not.
	But you were only charged when that we were trying to say.
	You're not going to be solely arrested for resisting arrest, but you're going to be charged only for resisting arrest.
	That could be the sole fucking charge.
	Right, because you threw out the original charge.
	What's the next email?
	The next email is called Cute Little Cops and Robert EDP Story.
	You guys might find it interesting.
	This is sent from a guy who calls himself Count Krizak.
	And he sent this on January 5th.
	We've seen it last week.
	Oh, did we show this?
	This is about the retards that hang out in the precinct.
	Yeah, we talked about this.
	Ron knew a guy there.
	They all did.
	One of Ron's retards.
	It's amazing.
	There are cop retards.
	There are fire department retards.
	There are truck retards.
	There's no shortage of retards.
	You weren't here last week, right?
	No.
	No, it was here on Monday.
	Did you have any fucking, like, guys that hung out at the precinct that thought they were cops, like they were civilians, though?
	Yeah.
	But you treated them like cops.
	We had one of the kids who became a cop.
	Actually, my trainee.
	My trainee.
	Fucking, one of the only Jewish cops we've ever had.
	Super Jew.
	He was the guy.
	He used to have a scanner and he would go to calls, like alarm calls in his area, and check the house before the cops got there.
	He would come and they would let him dispatch when he was like 13 years old.
	And he would dispatch like he was really fucking good at it.
	And yeah, we have our own retards.
	We had a real retard.
	He's a cop now, yeah.
	Remember that cop with his sexy sister who was a barmaid at the Cellar Bar?
	And he was a really weird dude?
	Yes.
	She works for the fucking marshals now.
	Yeah, she's a marshal.
	She's hot as fuck for a little while.
	She's a fucking...
	She was a smoke show.
	She turned into a fucking lesbian and out of a lesbian, but she was a fucking banger for a little while.
	Yeah.
	She's working with the U.S. Marshal Service?
	Wait, hold on a second.
	Was she short?
	Yeah, did you know her?
	Was her name Alexis, I think?
	I think you knew her.
	No, dark hair.
	Very pretty.
	Fake tits.
	She was short.
	She was short, yeah.
	She was short.
	Brunette looked Latina, kind of?
	Yeah, yeah.
	But she was Latina.
	She was like Puerto Rican.
	She's not.
	She's Italian.
	Did you hit that, Ryan?
	No, I did not hit that.
	Probably did.
	But we hung out, if that's the one that we rode bikes together.
	She's a little crazy.
	Did you go to church with her?
	You rode bikes together?
	Like bicycles?
	Yeah, bikes.
	Or did you ride her ass?
	I did not ride her ass.
	No, her brother's very strange.
	He's a good dude.
	But, yes, I know exactly who you're talking about.
	You got transferred to, like, Connecticut or something.
	A little bit farther north, then there's a show.
	Here's a porch, yes.
	Elmsford.
	Albuquerque?
	Which is a fucking shithole.
	Like, it's not a nice place.
	Like, people think they go to these small towns, some of them are great.
	Elmsford is a fucking complete shithole.
	Hmm.
	I used to go up there to Sports Time USA. No more there?
	Yeah.
	No more there.
	They had the big theater up there.
	Broadway Theater?
	Okay, so this is called Cops and Robbers Video Drunk Horny Bitch.
	It was sent to us.
	I screen all these emails, so if someone sends us a video, I watch it first.
	We're going to make out here.
	No, we're not.
	Turn off the lights.
	Turn off the lights.
	We're going to make out.
	Oh, she's horny.
	I remember this one.
	I got to pee, bro.
	I know.
	I got to pee, bro.
	I got to pee, bro.
	What if she really insisted that she wanted to make out?
	Would it be okay?
	It's okay with me as a taxpayer.
	Goddamn.
	All right.
	You in that suit?
	I would do fucking anything for you.
	Can you put your feet together?
	I'm going to put my feet together.
	And your hands on your side.
	Whatever you say, Daddy.
	Okay.
	Now, before we start.
	No, let's grab my flashlight.
	Whatever you want, Daddy.
	Okay.
	I don't know if I'd be able to say no.
	A man can refuse three blowjobs.
	He cannot refuse four.
	That's why I never get mad at like...
	Johnny Knoxville and Brad Pitt and like...
	Did you just pull his shirt up?
	She got a tank top on, it looks like.
	Hooters.
	Women are trying to fuck you.
	Listen, alright.
	Maddie, I'm sorry.
	You gotta go.
	Since Hooters.
	Put that up to the corner.
	Zoom out there, Brian.
	I think we're missing tits.
	We're missing tits.
	It's a Hooters shirt.
	She's so fucking dirty and sexy.
	I am wearing contacts.
	Hey, Sophia.
	This is why body cams are bad.
	This could have been handled privately.
	This could have been handled with a quick blowjob and you're on your way.
	Okay, do you want to try this first exercise for me?
	I don't want to do anything for everybody.
	I don't cheat on my wife, but it's because no one is knocking on this door.
	Clearly.
	If they kept knocking on the door, eventually I think...
	But you see, she's like, I'll let you do anything to me.
	Those are my magic words.
	Why'd you stop the video?
	Is it done?
	Yeah, it started looping.
	Oh, shit.
	What's going on with you there?
	Squinting and grunting and...
	I'm in pain.
	Are you in pain, Daddy?
	I thought you'd do anything to me, Dad.
	Matty, it could be worse.
	It could be me.
	Yeah.
	Florida homeowner shoots and kills illegal Mexican breaking into his home.
	Nice.
	This is always...
	I don't know why this is so pleasant.
	I know why this is so pleasant.
	Matty, put a bottle of Corona down there and cool it all.
	That's what you need.
	Do you want me to just...
	You know what would help?
	Mouth, right?
	I put an ice cube in my mouth and then I blow on it.
	Why the mouth?
	Why would that be necessary?
	Because there's cold air on his ball.
	Sure, couldn't you just put the ice on the ball?
	I'm worried about him getting a frostbite.
	Okay, put a paper towel around it.
	What if you put the ice in your mouth and you put the ball in your mouth?
	It's perfectly safe.
	The only thing I think would be safe is if I was to put an ice cube in there and just go right up against the ball skin.
	I got no problem with that.
	I do.
	You know how much a Birkin bag is?
	I was talking about this with Kyle last night at the bar.
	I thought they were like $10,000.
	They're $300,000.
	A Birkin bag?
	Hermes Birkin handbag.
	What about just a pair of Birkin stocks?
	Those are much cheaper.
	But a Birkin bag is $300,000.
	Is it made of scrotal skin?
	Is there somebody with a Birkin inside you?
	You just can't walk into the store and buy that.
	No, you have to wait.
	It takes, like, years.
	Yeah, you have to be, like, on a shopping list that you've bought so many bags.
	Women are so fucking stupid.
	I'm sorry, ladies.
	I love you.
	You create life.
	You're an integral part of society, but you should not be allowed.
	Back in the fucking 40s, women were allotted money from their husband to go shopping.
	This is what happens when you gain your independence.
	You buy a $300,000 handbag.
	Wait, does this have any, like, features to it?
	Or is it, you just open it up and put shit in there?
	I mean, the only way it could justify its expense is if it's made of human skin.
	And even then, it would have to be very fancy human skin like a virgin.
	Or a fucking genie comes out of it when you open it up.
	I paid a good amount for this wallet.
	Yeah, but yeah, you just can't walk in and buy that.
	You ever see those fucking stories of Rockefeller when they were in their fucking 20s or whatever?
	When they just had so much fucking money and there was nothing to do and they would just buy dumb shit and they would do it.
	That's what that is.
	That's a dumb shit purchase you buy when you are fucking stupid wealthy and you have nothing else to spend your money on.
	It's when money is garbage.
	You almost hate money.
	This thing right here cost me like a hundred...
	Bucks or just around there?
	Uh-huh.
	But it's got features.
	But it costs you a yen.
	What is it?
	Yeah, like after tech.
	It's a lot.
	You pop out your little cards.
	You got your PBA cards or whatever.
	It's got a strap.
	By the way, Ryan has shown me this wallet 13 times.
	And you can open it like this.
	And you look cool doing it.
	He's actually made me do it.
	He's put it in my hand and made me...
	Do the Indians get excited when you're at the gas station when you pop it out?
	Yeah.
	You know what he's like?
	He's like an Aztec or like an Aboriginal in Christopher Columbus days where you show him a mirror.
	Or something.
	It looks like it.
	We got all his land for that wall.
	Except you see his fucking hair.
	He clearly doesn't have a mirror.
	I can see just fine.
	Okay, let's watch this guy killing a Mexican.
	That's always heartwarming.
	Kill them all.
	Let God sort them out.
	She's hot.
	He's not.
	I'd fuck them both.
	I'd fuck them both.
	I want them to snowball my cum.
	All right, let's just play the video.
	I'm Mark Wilson and for Linda Hurtado.
	And I'm Haley Hines.
	Thanks for joining us.
	First at five, they were masked and armed with a crowbar.
	But two men who broke into a Bradenton home last night ended up coming face-to-face with a homeowner who was armed with a gun.
	Investigators say the homeowner fired shots, killing one of the intruders.
	You know she loves the nosebeers.
	To get a hotel with her and an eight ball, it's chaos.
	The sheriff is now praising that homeowner.
	She's not.
	That one is not fun.
	Thank you, sir.
	He says the suspect who was arrested came to the U.S. on a 90-day visa from Chile that expired in September.
	Just after 9 Thursday night, a man and his wife were in their home on Hickory Hammock Circle in Bradenton's River Club when they got a security alert.
	This commotion going on.
	They see these suspects that are masked up, trying to break into the home.
	They were able to pry that window open.
	The homeowner only had seconds to act.
	He knew that something bad was about to happen.
	He didn't stall.
	He grabbed his firearm.
	He told his wife.
	I want him to be my sheriff.
	The husband came face to face with the masked men.
	One was already inside his home and another was climbing through a window.
	Nearby neighbors heard what happened next.
	I sat down next to the lanai.
	The door was open and I... Vividly heard, you know, three gunshots.
	27-year-old Jorge Nestevan Flores of Mexico, who goes by Annabelle Miller Valencia, was injured and later died.
	Detectives say he had been arrested for burglary in Illinois and had an active warrant for a parole violation.
	The other suspect, 39-year-old Michelle Sotomelo, ran off.
	A manatee sheriff's canine stopped him a few blocks away.
	Oh, absolutely.
	That'd be my boyfriend.
	Everybody's coming.
	Yeah, if I was a fag, I wouldn't want a young twink.
	I'd want a man like that as my boyfriend.
	This is the anus.
	I'm in. - Flores Toledo targeted other homes.
	In court, Sotomelo used a translator as he was ordered held in custody.
	- Okay, help me out here, gentlemen.
	Cops and felon.
	What the fuck?
	Is the benefit of robbing a house?
	Yes, at my house, I had a very rare golf bag.
	That's okay.
	You got something.
	The tools are fucking cheap now.
	A power drill is like $20.
	So you take my power drill.
	You're not going to take my table saw.
	Even my wet vacuum and my pressure washer.
	It's $30.
	40 bucks.
	Okay, what are you going to get, though, for a $40 thing?
	10 bucks?
	You're thinking of it rationally on a fucking person who lives a normal life.
	So you're not thinking it from the fucking Mexican immigrant drug dealer, drug user, fucking guy who's desperate for any amount of money.
	So those dudes are fucking desperate.
	They're not fucking...
	There is zero cash in my home right now.
	There's zero jewelry.
	My watch is expensive, but there's no pearl necklace in a drawer.
	What about the fake rings that you carry?
	The rings are all here.
	They're safe in the studio.
	I don't understand...
	But you, you're talking about you.
	You're not thinking about...
	You know how many fucking people have all their fucking valuables in the massive bedroom in the top fucking drawer of the fucking...
	Still today?
	That's like old boomers.
	They want to look at it.
	Dude, they keep every fucking...
	The massive bedroom, top drawer, everything.
	But Gen X doesn't wear jewelry anymore.
	Like, pearl necklaces, that's a boomer thing.
	My wife has no valuable jewelry.
	I don't think Gen X has...
	You'd be absolutely fucking shocked how many people came everything important in the fucking top draw of the massive...
	Plus, you don't know the backstory to this.
	There might be a reason why they targeted this house.
	It might be a business owner, and he thought there was money in there.
	I remember in the 80s, they would rob homes because there was VCRs.
	They had resale value.
	There was...
	TVs.
	TVs are $100 now.
	That monitor right there in front of you, Matty, that's $100.
	This monitor is $100.
	But you act like $100 to you is fucking nothing.
	$20 an M is a fucking hit of crack.
	And that's enough to get you through the motherfucking night.
	Okay, if I needed...
	I'd rather roll people on the street.
	Grab someone's wallet.
	The Mexicans, they can't roll people on the street.
	They're midgets.
	Yeah, there's no fucking milk in Mexico.
	Nobody grows.
	So that's why they don't roll people.
	One of our seven dwarfs?
	The dwarf Pablo.
	Like all the shit they got from my garage, I would say each item was maybe resale value.
	The golf clubs are a lot.
	Maybe that was $40.
	And then everything else, maybe $10.
	Maybe.
	It's easy money.
	You know, that's not a crime.
	The problem is robbing people is a crime of aggression.
	Burglarizing is a cowardly crime.
	So you're not trying to confront anyone.
	You just want to get shit, get the fuck out, make a quick score.
	You know, if you hit something good, then you're fucking, you know, you made it big.
	But now you've got a power drill.
	You've got a Ryobi power drill.
	Okay, now I've got, what, I put this on fucking Facebook Marketplace?
	What do I do with this?
	They go to Home Depot and sell to somebody for fucking ten bucks.
	Listen, you're living in a white Jewish tablehood up there in Westchester.
	There's a lot of your neighbors.
	They got plenty of fucking money and they keep it there.
	No, they don't.
	You'd be surprised.
	I went to a burglary.
	I don't know if you've ever...
	Actually, up the street from where you live, there used to be a driving range.
	It was made into a...
	I know it.
	Very affluent fucking homes.
	Now it's a great place to get an $18 freshly squeezed orange juice.
	Well, that's always been there, but past that, so these places, there was guys that were burglarizing New Rochelle, Eastchester, all these places because they were right off the highway, and they'd be able to get on and get right back off.
	They went to these places.
	They stole these fucking sterling silver candlesticks that had been smuggled from Germany during the war.
	They were literally fucking...
	They made of Jew skin.
	Yeah, they were silver wrapped in Jew skin with tattoos.
	And big noses.
	Jews!
	But they were literally probably worth fucking...
	I mean, just the silver value was something ridiculous.
	They were pounds and pounds of it.
	They got that.
	They got a fucking menorah that was fucking...
	Okay, that's a very unique thing now.
	You gotta sell.
	You're right, but you never know what you're getting into.
	So that could happen at any fucking house.
	You'd be surprised what people have there.
	And plus, people who have cash in their house, they're not going to tell the fucking police, hey, they took 80 grand.
	Why not?
	Because they're going to say, what do you got 80 grand in your house for?
	There's a guy who owns a very fucking famous pizza place in the Bronx, got hit for fucking 500 grand he had in a safe.
	No way.
	Yep.
	Why the fuck would any retard, that's kind of what I'm saying right now, keep 500 grand in cash?
	Because you...
	It's so much you can't put it in the bank.
	Put it in a safety deposit box.
	Yeah, but you're not paying taxes on it, so you can't fucking, you know, you can only put nine grand at a time in the fucking bank.
	Safety deposit box.
	You're not allowed to put cash in a safety deposit box, technically.
	The problem with safety deposit boxes is he knows he's fucking dirty, he knows he's cheating the government.
	If they get an audit on him, they know he has the...
	They'll go right there, the IRS. If you've got the money in your house, you can bring it over to your brother's house, you can bring it here, here.
	If you know you've got it in a bank, the IRS might come after you.
	It was clearly an inside thing, but he had fucking 500 grand.
	Okay, well you're talking about a criminal now.
	If you can't declare 500 grand, you're a criminal.
	My question is the other 98% of the population, and I know boomers had diamond earrings and pearl necklaces.
	My generation doesn't like fancy jewelry.
	They don't even really like diamond engagement rings.
	They get fucking cubic zirconium things.
	All our computers are password protected.
	You can't steal my computer.
	I know where it is.
	So we don't really have anything of value in our homes.
	When you take those computers, you can bring them down to Mexico and they'll work down there.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	That's exactly what I'm saying, though, John.
	Now you've got to get down to Mexico.
	But this is what these people do for a living.
	They know exactly what to do.
	They know exactly what to steal.
	If you're getting five laptops a night, of course you're going to have a place to sell them.
	It's always with a black guy.
	I'm going to be honest with you.
	You're really thinking along very rational lines.
	You've got to stop thinking like that.
	You've got to think of day-to-day lines.
	What can get me till tomorrow?
	That's all they're worried about.
	So they're retards.
	Dude, they're not high-end fucking burgers.
	This ain't Ocean fucking 13. It's fucking Mexico six and a half.
	But if there's no cash back on these endeavors, then you're going to stop doing them.
	My garage pocketed them $40, and they risk getting shot in the head.
	It's fucking $40 more than they had, and it's a fix.
	You're thinking of...
	You're thinking along the very rational lines.
	You need to stop thinking about that.
	That's not how they think.
	And that was an organized group that hit your house.
	And they're going up and down the East Coast.
	They're making a fortune.
	In the South Bronx or in the 4-6 or the 5-2, the people that are burglarized in your house, you live on the fourth floor, it's probably the people from the third floor that are doing it.
	These fucking people, they don't fucking...
	Travel up the Westchester.
	They go right in their neighborhood and they steal anything that's not nailed down.
	They are coming at levels that you haven't even seen.
	I don't know, man.
	It just seems like a fucking pain in the ass to now unload this thing that you stole.
	It's a terrible way to make a living.
	Now you've got a TV. Hey, anyone want to buy a TV? I'm on...
	But they might have...
	They're doing it every day.
	They might have 20 televisions.
	They've got plenty of people that will take care of it.
	It's a business.
	Alright.
	You ever hear of stolen property?
	You live in a fucking white world, alright?
	You're not cultured.
	Yeah, you're fucking like a...
	I believe the proper term would be called a fence.
	It happens you live from Canada, you fucking pussy.
	Well, the reason I bring this up, though, is I've always been middle class, but I remember getting robbed a lot more in the 80s and early 90s because there was more marketable things like VCRs, speakers.
	Every family in the 80s had a stereo system with speakers.
	And it was like, you'd pay off your speakers.
	It would take you like six months to pay for your speakers.
	Now...
	Car stereos that you'd pull out.
	People are like, oh my god, they're stealing car stereos?
	Like, who the fuck does that anymore?
	Yeah, you would park somewhere, you would remove the front of your fucking car radio, and you'd put that in your pocket and bring that into the bar.
	So what I'm saying is, back when I was young, in the early 90s, there was shit that was worth something.
	Now, everything is personalized and it's got no resale value.
	Stop voting for Biden, you piece of shit.
	Okay, I will.
	I think you're mistaken, Gavin.
	I think there's a lot more people than you know it that has jewelry laying around their house.
	Especially females.
	And that's what they're doing.
	They're going in there grabbing a jewelry box.
	There might be $100,000 of jewelry in there.
	Or you got an engagement ring.
	It sounds vaguely anti-Semitic the way you pronounce jewelry.
	Jewelry.
	It's always fucking inside shit, unless it's some kind of organized ring, We had guys take fucking a safe and they rolled it down the fucking stairs.
	It's like a million dollar burglary.
	Literally, it had a million dollars worth of property in a safe.
	They rolled it and threw it down the fucking stairs.
	What was the property?
	Jewelry?
	Jewelry and cash.
	You know, all kinds of shit like that.
	Whatever fucking expensive shit.
	Probably jewelry and cash.
	Probably gold.
	Delicious fries.
	I think we're doing good for jobs.
	That's 9,000 in one minute.
	You got these guys coming to your house.
	They're changing your fucking windows.
	They're putting in windows.
	They're doing your fucking gardening.
	They have one fucking guy there.
	He's looking around trying to fucking see if this place would be worth it.
	I got nothing.
	I want to get robbed.
	It hurt to lose those golf clubs, but everything else, my wife's a hoarder.
	I thought I was marrying a whore.
	I married a hoarder.
	Next time they can take your wife.
	Take my wife, please.
	Matty.
	Let's open up the phone calls, Ryan.
	718-599-17...
	We've had this same number for like 10 years.
	I still don't have it memorized.
	That's how fucking stupid I am.
	718-995-4500.
	718-599-1969?
	No.
	718...
	Still there, sir?
	It's 1-800-EAT-SHIT. Sorry about that.
	You want to stop driving before you get in an accident?
	Yes, I will stop.
	Yes, I will stop.
	I will stop.
	Wow, $460.
	$69 is easy to remember.
	That's my favorite sexual position.
	And then $59 is what you do if you've been castrated and you're doing a $69.
	And then, uh...
	My dad has a good joke about $69.
	He got it reversed.
	Ready to connect.
	Just letting you know it's ready to connect.
	Should we call my dad?
	Has he got a Jew nose like yours?
	You were saying that you got a phone call from that girl in prison.
	What?
	That girl in prison you put on the chat.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	So Mercedes Carrera called me.
	She had two major pieces of gossip.
	What's going on with her case?
	I don't mean to...
	Stretch this out.
	Is she staying for the rest of her life or is she going?
	No.
	She's looking at a plea and it should be time served.
	So she should be coming out soon.
	But she didn't want to take a plea because she doesn't want to be a registered sex offender.
	But she's like, you know what?
	Fuck it.
	I'll just not.
	What did she do?
	She was accused of molesting her daughter.
	She didn't do it.
	Obviously, I'm 99% sure because she's a friend of mine.
	It would be like if one of you guys were accused.
	But I have to keep the possibility that she is guilty.
	How old was the daughter?
	Like 10?
	How did this come out?
	So she told her baby daddy, I'm going to take her from you because you're a fucking pig.
	You got an SCD in Southeast Asia.
	You're a fucking pedophile.
	Fuck you.
	Coincidentally...
	Two days later, her daughter says, yes, my mom and her boyfriend would fist me and make videos of it.
	They go to that Mercedes house.
	Her name's Mercedes Carrera.
	They go to her house.
	They see a bed with cameras.
	And then they find meth and guns.
	And they go, we got our bad guy.
	So she gives them all her computers, all her phones, everything.
	They don't find anything.
	At all.
	There's zero kiddie porn found.
	And of course a porn star has cameras facing her bed.
	She's a fucking porn star.
	That's what they do.
	And of course she has masks.
	She's an L.A. porn star.
	And yes, she shouldn't have their own guns.
	Yes, that's bad.
	You got me.
	But as far as kiddie porn, zero evidence.
	And she's been in fucking jail now for five years awaiting trial.
	Can we get her here?
	Oh, she'll be here day one.
	Fuck yeah.
	She was on my show regularly before, and I think that's part of it.
	She was an influential figure in the MAGA movement, and that's...
	You said Mercedes Carrera?
	Mercedes Carrera.
	Melinda Smith.
	Anyway, she told me two heavy pieces of gossip.
	One, she goes...
	When she gets bused to another jail, she meets men in the buses, and she goes, these prisoners that fight fires, she goes, they're fire slaves.
	So they put them on the front lines.
	Their lives are totally irrelevant.
	They're the first ones to go.
	They get their sentence reduced from like six years to four years, but they're still on probation.
	So when you're on probation, they can call you, and you have to come back to the fire, get in the front lines, and fucking die.
	So these guys go back and forth from prison.
	She goes, these guys are on the bus as I'm going to another prison.
	They're covered in burns.
	They're fried, these fucking guys.
	Well, actually, that is something that Kim Kardashian, who's a fucking epic cunt, but she's not bad.
	First of all, they get paid a dollar an hour, so they're trying to up that to like five.
	Okay.
	And they're also going to try to let them, at least some of them who are not complete pieces of shit, erase their felonies and become firemen afterwards, which...
	I mean, honestly...
	No, she said they can't become firemen after.
	No, they're trying to fix that.
	Okay, they're trying to fix that.
	Yeah, because they're felons.
	Yes, they're trying to raise their felonies so they can become...
	Which wouldn't be the worst thing in the entire world.
	Sure, that's great.
	Sure, they wouldn't have had it once you're going to a house, fill up their boots with all the money.
	They would be trained at that.
	Well, the firemen are already doing that, right?
	That's what they do anyway.
	You don't got to be a felon to do that shit.
	One of the things...
	One of the reasons for this show is that I've always said, you do your time, you should be absolved.
	Absolutely.
	You did the crime, you did your time.
	Matty had to go to fucking anger therapy to draw pictures of his motorcycle and his son.
	He had to fucking check in at 9pm.
	Like, I've already done my fucking time.
	I've already paid for my crime.
	What is with these two years of torture?
	I'm an actual firm believer of once you do that, once you finish your sentences, they fucking impose.
	Unless you're a pedophile.
	You're a sex offender.
	Yeah, sex.
	You're some habitual scumbag.
	It's over.
	It's over.
	That's it.
	We had a deal.
	You shouldn't have to tell anyone about it.
	You shouldn't have to live with you for the rest of your life.
	You should be able to go and fucking live a normal life.
	That's it.
	You paid your fucking debt.
	That's the debt they fucking imposed upon you, and it's over.
	But that's not what they want.
	No, it's like three years of fucking probation.
	Three years, you can't be...
	You can't have drugs in your system.
	You've got to go home at 8 p.m.
	You can't travel without permission from your parole officer.
	Well, if you're on parole, that's different.
	If you're on parole, you're out on supervised release.
	If you finish your fucking sentence and you're done, there should be nothing hindering you from living a full life.
	Agreed.
	We're all on the same page with that.
	So that was one piece of gossip she gave me.
	She goes, these prisoners fighting fires, they're fire slaves.
	And then this one is juicy as shit.
	And if I disappear tomorrow, I'm not having suicidal thoughts.
	I don't want to end my life.
	Everything is going great.
	Yes, Ryan quit.
	I will survive that.
	I'm still staying positive.
	I did not kill myself.
	Okay, ready for this one?
	I prefer.
	Speaking of Japarikans, so one of the prisoners in her block, this new girl, she's five feet tall.
	She has braces.
	She's Asian and Hispanic.
	She's like 22 years old.
	She looks about eight.
	And Gavin Newsom loves fucking her.
	His thing is he loves girls legal.
	He doesn't want to break the law.
	Thank God.
	But he likes girls who look like they could be 12. And she was a regular client of hers.
	And I go, okay.
	You're a liar.
	I go, this is he said, she said.
	And Mercedes goes, no, no.
	She has tons of evidence.
	She's ready to drop.
	And she's going to get out soon.
	I don't think her charge is a big deal.
	Get her name and we'll fucking bring her over here.
	You're supposed to make me hate Gavnos from her life.
	Yes, you're supposed to hate him.
	At least he's not fucking little boys.
	I'm okay.
	If that's your fucking thing, you want to fuck someone who looks young.
	Okay, but I don't want you president of the United States.
	Who are we talking about?
	Are we talking about Ryan O'Leary?
	We don't want you to be president of the United States.
	And we're New Yorkers.
	We're open to crazy stuff.
	22-year-olds who look young.
	The Midwest is not going to abide by that.
	There's no way.
	He fucked himself with these fires, but erroneous, regardless.
	I mean, he's a fucking scumbag communist, but he gets a lot of pussy, and I'm not really mad at him for that.
	I agree.
	I'm going to give you the blowjob of your life.
	I agree, but there's no...
	This is what we were arguing about in the chat.
	Medium John was like, nah, he'll be fine.
	I'm like, no.
	This isn't about me.
	The Midwest, normal moms, they don't like that kind of shit.
	If you want to fuck girls who look like they're 12, and even if it's legal, Midwestern moms are not going to vote for you.
	They've got to have acne.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Listen, I mean, if you're trying to make me hate him, I can't do it.
	I'm not trying to make you hate him.
	I'm trying to make you think that he will never be a presidential candidate because there's no way Midwestern women can get over that.
	And I think the fires, they can cover up the fires.
	They can be like, it was climate change, it was too windy.
	But what did Jimmy Kimmel say?
	Oh, the right is mad that the firefighters weren't white enough.
	Okay.
	You rewrote that story.
	Remember Jimmy Kimmel on the fucking man show, how awesome he was?
	Dude, I knew him.
	He was the meanest guy I ever met.
	That was the fucking best show on TV. Honestly, it was so fucking funny and so good.
	Actually, you know what?
	Jimmy Kimmel's a lot like, or the old Jimmy Kimmel's a lot like you.
	Super mean, super funny, totally unforgiving.
	Like he wrote Hillary on my motorcycle helmet without me knowing and Sharpie.
	He was a fucking awesome dick.
	Did he have a big cock?
	And then, I do not know.
	He's not like me.
	Probably.
	Then he got divorced and he married some young chick.
	And then he just became a faggot who cries all the time.
	Like Howard Stern.
	Exactly like Howard Stern.
	What a fucking disgrace that fucking faggot's been.
	Hey, he's a Jew.
	What do you expect?
	But I was telling Gavin before the show, I think Howard Stern, he's going to come back to our side.
	I think John's right.
	When Jews see what happens, like fucking look at Michael Rappaport.
	He saw the way liberals want Israel to die, and they go, okay, I chose the wrong team.
	So you're going to see a lot of Jews coming over to our side.
	I don't know.
	The Republicans are starting to get on the anti-Israel thing, too.
	I've gone down the anti-Semitic rabbit hole, and I'm not a big fan of them anymore.
	I used to really think they were fucking, they were the shining light in the Middle East, and I realized they had a fucking problem.
	Let's go.
	Okay, this is a free...
	This is the free episode.
	Let's go to a commercial break now.
	We never went to...
	We didn't do Purple Works.
	Purple Works Nutrition, who does not necessarily endorse the opinions on this show.
	It is a pre-workout that I have not been on this week.
	I've been fucking the dog.
	I'm on what's called a bender.
	I wet the bed two nights ago.
	So my life without Purple Works Nutrition is not pretty.
	My wife was not impressed with the fact that I wet the bed.
	She could smell it.
	It's not good.
	If you go to the gym every day and you don't go out and get wasted, you have a strong marriage and a great life.
	This week, I'm not really being an awesome dude.
	I am getting wasted.
	I was at the bar today at 3, where I ran into Matty.
	I actually used Purple Works, the stuff that you gave me on Tuesday.
	It was great.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah.
	First time.
	That's a big endorsement?
	First time.
	You get these prickles in your arms, right?
	Yeah.
	I actually was able to go like, but I was with Lance, so he's 65 years old.
	Lance fucking wails on me, dude.
	But we were able to go like eight rounds.
	If you punch Lance hard in the face, he loses his shit, and then it's a barroom brawl.
	I've had like parking lot brawls with Lance.
	You go 30 seconds with him, he'll take a break.
	Yes.
	You gotta fight Doc.
	I did fight Doc, and I was bloodied.
	I'm never fighting him again.
	What a fight.
	It's sexual for him.
	He likes to feed me one night.
	It really is sexual for him.
	My brother, the fucking seal, just crushed him one time.
	He's like, ha, ha, ha, do that again.
	Like, he fucking smashed him.
	And he was all about it.
	Like, he was getting off on it.
	Yeah, I don't want to have sex with men.
	I'm never fighting him again.
	No, he smells terrible, but he's a good dude.
	But he smells terrible.
	Doc?
	He's not working right now, so he's at the gym every day.
	He's not my cup of tea, man.
	Anyway, Purple Works Nutrition.
	Promo code Gavin.
	20% off, right?
	Is that what it is?
	50% off?
	I think so.
	It's a pre-workout that I don't just talk about blindly.
	I take every time I'm at the gym.
	And you'll notice when I don't take it, I look like shit.
	I wet the bed.
	I'm a fucking loser.
	So if you want to know what's great about Purple Works, check out this guy who's not on it this week and is on a pathetic bender that is not going well.
	Last night I made What's Your Name?
	The Marine Biologist cry.
	I know.
	Yeah, I was...
	Or even I made the other girl with the red hair cry.
	I did my joke, which is a very controversial joke.
	This is a joke I do sometimes where I go, I was raping this girl the other night and I had my knife up against her throat and she was like crying, oh, help, help, help.
	And I was like, smile, you fucking bitch, smile.
	And she's like...
	And she's crying.
	She's like, I'm smiling.
	See?
	I'm smiling.
	Fakest smile you've ever seen in your fucking life.
	And she did not like that.
	I would totally take that one out of your repertoire.
	Were you there for that?
	Yes.
	So I tell her that.
	She starts crying.
	She took her phone and ran into the kitchen.
	She left the bar.
	She got raped at night point.
	You ever think of that?
	She went into the kitchen.
	What?
	You ever think maybe she got raped at night point?
	Yes.
	So that was not a hit.
	No.
	And that was life without Purple Works nutrition.
	So if that is not the greatest ad for Purple Works, I don't know what is.
	No, no, I agree.
	I'm going to take Purple Works now.
	I got a ton of rape jokes.
	I don't want to go back terribly.
	Who's on the line?
	Oh, there's tons of people on there.
	We got five zero six.
	Matty, can I grab any more Corona?
	Five zero six.
	Can I get a Coors Banquet?
	There's no more Corona?
	No.
	Can we get some fucking light beers in this fucking shit hole?
	Did I not text you to say fucking stock the fucking beer?
	You did.
	You did.
	But I'm on a bender, John.
	So I'm not responsible.
	I saw that and I was like, a good man would go buy Walgreens and get some Coronas.
	And I'm not a good man.
	What a great guy Ron is.
	He brings two fucking cases last week.
	Nobody wants to drink your shit fucking Budweiser.
	You hillbilly rapist.
	Why are you giving them all my banquets?
	Because nobody's taking Budweiser, you cheap motherfucker.
	I'll take a bite if it's cold, but this is really cold.
	Yeah, no, because it's been in there fucking two months.
	Well, you made me turn down the fridge because you said it wasn't cold enough.
	Can you buy some fucking surf sides for the rest of us?
	Why don't you buy a big refrigerator?
	That's what we should buy.
	A good, responsible host would have bought you surf sides.
	I'm not a good person.
	If I'm down by 183rd and Jerome, I see a cheap refrigerator.
	I'll pick it up.
	Me and fucking John got scoliosis from carrying this fucking show.
	The least you can do is...
	Alright, who's on the line, Ryan?
	506. 506, you're in the mix.
	What area code is that?
	That's my piss.
	Can you hear us?
	Is that piss, you fucking savage?
	Hello?
	Don't do it.
	I won't drink it, but it smells like a nail polish remover.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	619?
	Can you hear me?
	Hello?
	Yo.
	Hello.
	I can't hear anything.
	Can you hear me?
	Okay.
	What about now, smartass?
	So we're losing Ryan, but we will be gaining someone who will probably be better at working the phones.
	You would think a Japanese guy would be able to fucking work technology.
	Half of them can.
	The other half is like...
	I don't do that sound.
	Hello?
	Can you hear me?
	I can hear you.
	Can you hear me?
	I can.
	Ooh, I like what I'm hearing.
	Okay.
	What's up, buddy?
	My story.
	So, I was a Mormon missionary who was serving in Sweden.
	Weird.
	And I'm chilling at some...
	Right?
	Right?
	So, I'm chilling at some Swedish person's house.
	They invited me in my...
	And when you're a Mormon missionary, the person you're with is called your companion.
	You've got to bring him everywhere.
	Kind of gay, but whatever.
	Anyway, me and my companion are at somebody's house.
	They're cooking this dinner.
	And while the food's finishing up, my companion is having a conversation with this Swedish woman about political parties.
	And he's like, so what kind of political parties are there in Sweden?
	She goes, oh, well, there's the Swedish Green Party and the Liberal Party and the Swedish Nazi Party and the Swedish Christian Democrats.
	And I interrupt and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
	Hang on.
	There's a Swedish Nazi Party?
	What, do they goose step in Sig Heil and stuff?
	She goes, Oh, no, no, they don't do any of that.
	I'm like, they don't have, like, swastika?
	She goes, no.
	Well, what makes them Nazi?
	She goes, well, they just don't want any more immigrants in Sweden.
	They want to be Swedish.
	And I go, well, what party is the Nazi party?
	She goes, oh, well, in Sweden, the Democrats are the conservative party.
	You know, I did an interview with a German podcast today, and we were talking about the AFD, the alternative for...
	For Deutschland?
	For Germany?
	And I'm not totally familiar with their policies, but I bet you if we looked at the AFD, they would be like a left of center, normal fucking liberal party that just wants normal borders.
	Like the borders we had 20 years ago.
	That's a disappointing question.
	European Nazis are just people who want...
	They're just Obama.
	Obama is a European Nazi.
	I thought he was going to have a fucking orgy with two fucking Swedish girls.
	Was that John?
	John was talking about fucking two Swedish girls.
	He thought you were going to fuck them, but you're a Mormon.
	You're probably not really on a sex tear when you do these tours.
	No, there's very much none of that.
	But I actually ran into one of these supposed Nazi people when I was out teaching on the street.
	I'd walk up to people and try to talk to them.
	And I say, hey, excuse me, I've been in the country for so long, can I practice my Swedish?
	And they go, of course!
	And I talk to them, and I was talking to this guy, he said he's actually a member of the Swedish quote-unquote Nazi Party, the Conservative Party, and I followed him on Facebook, and all he posts is just news articles about reducing crime and how to get the liberal women in Stockholm to stop ruining the country, because they don't have an electoral college like we do.
	Stockholm holds all the power, because that's where all the people are.
	And it ruins the country.
	People have told me, I'll be like, oh, I'm an American.
	They go, oh, really?
	What do you think about Trump?
	And I go, what do you think about Trump?
	And they either say, I hate him or I love him.
	And usually the love-ems were like in a hushed tone because they didn't want to get caught.
	But they're like, man, I wish we had an electoral college unlike Sweden or like America does unlike Sweden has.
	But I almost got arrested with him, actually.
	Luckily, I didn't because...
	In Sweden, you can't get arrested for resisting arrest, which is already an underlying charge.
	You know, in Sweden, one in fucking four Swedish women will be forced to be raped in their lifetime now because they brought so many fucking mongrels from the other fucking side of the world that it's literally a fucking huge problem.
	Sweden, Germany, fucking France, Italy.
	Except for Poland, who won't let them in, and fucking Hungary.
	Sweden's a fucking absolute disaster.
	That's why the Nazis are coming back.
	Can I ask you, missionaries, something?
	Why the fuck are you worried about Sweden?
	Or why are Mormons in Africa?
	Why don't you focus on America and just go find atheists?
	In Harlem and Detroit and fucking East New York, there's plenty of hedonists here that need saving.
	Why leave?
	Look at the pussy in Sweden.
	Look at the pussy in Senegal.
	If you're doing it for pussy, I understand.
	Well, I wanted to go.
	When you're a young woman, you're indoctrinated to go serve a mission, and I really wanted to go.
	When you're a young woman?
	I'm going to go.
	I want to go foreign.
	Wait, you just said when you're a young woman.
	Well, when you're a young Mormon.
	Oh, Mormon.
	Sorry.
	Well, don't assume my gender.
	But they call it a mission call where they say where you're going to go.
	And I got my call and it said to Sweden.
	I was like, great.
	So I screwed off for two years.
	I barely did anything.
	All I did was eat pastries and walk through the park.
	Flirt with girls on the street.
	And it was a lot of fun.
	Can you Mormons drink?
	I'm just asking about the general structure of the plan with the Mormons.
	What's the matter with America?
	Is that what you want to know?
	Where are you going to land?
	But why should Mormons be going to save Sweden when America isn't saved?
	I feel that way about charity, too.
	Swedish people, so when you're born in Sweden, you're automatically signed up for the Lutheran church there, to call it the Church of Sweden.
	And a lot of people immediately take their name out of the record as soon as they're old enough to do so, but some people leave it, their name in the record.
	So there are people there who are religious that you try to convert, because trying to convert like a dead-set atheist is really hard.
	Of course, I didn't actually try to convert anybody, but I don't know.
	They just try to go everywhere.
	It's commanded to go.
	Are you still a Mormon?
	Yes and no.
	Can you drink?
	I'm an American.
	I can drink as much as I want.
	No, but I mean, as a Mormon, I'm just curious.
	Don't get me wrong.
	No coffee.
	The trick to get, the only way to keep, so there's a joke, like, how do you keep a Mormon from drinking on a camping trip is to invite two of them?
	So a lot of Mormons drink and do drugs and smoke and drink coffee and all that other stuff.
	I don't drink myself only because I'm a truck driver, and if I get tested at all at any time, I'm going to jail.
	So there's no point when I work so much.
	That's fucking gay.
	How many wives do you have?
	Oh, dude.
	One wife keeps me busy.
	I can't afford it on a toilet paper if I have more than one wife.
	Well, girls don't poo, so it's just pee.
	That's true.
	If you ask, we do it on your chest.
	Yeah.
	All right.
	Thanks for calling.
	I like the Mormon guy.
	He's awesome.
	Thanks for being a truck driver, too.
	Yeah.
	You know, truck drivers, we used to revere them our whole lives, especially Gen X, because there was, like, Convoy, the movie.
	If you were a kid who grew up in the 70s, truckers were rock stars.
	Yes, you remember you used to fucking pull a thing down on a school trip and you'd be the fucking happiest person ever?
	It was the coolest job ever.
	Making America strong still with truck drivers.
	But now I think they're fucking Juan Felipe's.
	And when I'm on my motorcycle and I'm near a truck, I'm just like, I'm trying to get the fuck away from that thing because he does not know what he's doing.
	Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does.
	That's what you get for riding a motorcycle.
	You're taking a fucking...
	Everybody's fucking, you know, retardedness is in your hands.
	Yeah.
	And even in a car, I don't trust trucks anymore.
	You want that fucking freedom of riding a motorcycle.
	That's what you gotta deal with.
	Okay, but even...
	Okay, let's forget the motorcycle.
	That's confusing the issue.
	Even in my car, when I see a trucker, I'm like, who the fuck is this?
	What's going on here now?
	What are we doing?
	Where are you going?
	Like, I don't trust truckers anymore.
	It's no longer, we got a great big convoy coming on down the line.
	You ever seen the fucking story of the pictures when the guy in the hutch got fucking run over?
	The motorcycle guy?
	And they didn't know he was in the street and he got run over like fucking 15 times and all you saw was his pelvis.
	Like, the rest of them got turned into absolute fucking mush.
	Like, literally got turned into paste.
	Turned into asphalt.
	Yeah, to paste.
	Like, pink paste on the fucking, like...
	You never saw that?
	Sorry to laugh, Matty.
	I've seen plenty of people get killed.
	Alright, next.
	Like the Pajits in Canada, they're just like, 18-wheelers are careening into each other with these fucking Indians who have no idea what they're doing.
	Next call.
	I drive tractor trailers.
	You would or you did?
	I have a Class A license.
	Oh!
	He's licensed.
	You ever see that diagram of the blind spots?
	No, never.
	I was blind.
	There's like a truck's blind spots.
	I knew a dude, a motorcyclist, and he would go behind 18-wheelers and he would get caught in the slipstream.
	Draft.
	And he would just sit there for like miles, like behind an 18-wheeler.
	If they hit the brakes, he's dead.
	But I guess he saved money on gas or some shit?
	I knew a guy did that on a bike.
	He'd grab the back of the bike and just, he wouldn't save gas.
	Okay.
	Next call.
	We got five minutes.
	Next call, you're on the line.
	619, I want to say.
	619, you're on the line.
	506. 506, you're here in the mix.
	506. I can hear you.
	You sound very small.
	Very low.
	Small, low, gay.
	Can you hear better?
	Now that's super loud.
	Now you're coming out of the fucking gate swinging.
	First of all, Mormonism is cringe.
	So that guy pretending he's part of the club?
	No.
	Who?
	Who are we cringing at?
	The last caller.
	No.
	Leave the Mormon guy alone.
	He believes in Jesus.
	I like the Mormon guy.
	He doesn't cringe.
	You go to hell, you piece of shit.
	They don't believe in Jesus.
	Yeah, have fun in a lake of fire.
	Alright, well, fuck them too.
	They don't believe in Jesus as being God.
	But they're the nicest people in the world.
	Go ahead.
	Yeah, I'm sure.
	Alright, I like you too.
	You're even better than him.
	Alright, let's hear it.
	Let's go, you mean fuck.
	Don't start that.
	It's up now.
	No, I just wanted to say, I'm in Canada, and I don't know if it's the same in America, but the amount of fucking scam calls and texts we get from Kajit, it's literally a daily thing.
	And I just wanted to ask, like...
	Where are you in Canada?
	Mississauga?
	What?
	New Brunswick.
	Are you Mississauga?
	No, New Brunswick.
	New Brunswick?
	Yeah, dude.
	Well, let me just look at my phone right now.
	So, my last fake call.
	None today, actually.
	But then yesterday.
	Gift for X when we go.
	Oh, no, that's not.
	That is real, actually.
	Oh, here's one.
	801-447-7473.
	Hey, buddy.
	And then, hey, man.
	So, that was yesterday.
	So, I would say I'm up to one spam a day in text.
	Oh, easily.
	Wow.
	Well, it's just fucking crazy.
	And I guess my question to the Turkish spice merchant and Friar Tuck over there is, can the cops do anything about it?
	I don't care.
	You fucking asshole.
	I don't know.
	What are they going to do?
	I imagine it must be tens of billions of dollars now that's being sucked from the economy, being put towards fucking rupees or whatever.
	Do the police, is it on their radar?
	No.
	Yes.
	What can they do about it, if anything?
	You get fucking, literally, we got so many fucking fraud calls that we had to make a separate fraud line, like a line.
	So there was one guy who would just accept all the post-fraud calls, and there's nothing you could do about it, because they're calling from, these fucking pajits are calling from fucking India.
	They're getting people to scam shit.
	People are voluntarily giving them their information.
	It's funny.
	I was trying to get a hold of Robinhood fucking, you know, Robinhood, the stock market thing.
	I have a problem with my account.
	So I've been trying to get a hold of him for fucking months, literally.
	Some fucking Pajit called me, and I almost fell for it.
	He had me download a fucking app.
	Literally, I have like $100,000 in crypto.
	I literally almost lost it.
	Did it be funny if the fraud department, you hired an Indian guy?
	Yes, yes, yes.
	The fucking, I think he called me from the fraud department.
	It said like fucking, like McAllen, Texas.
	And like a fucking complete dick.
	I answered it and I downloaded this fucking app and started signing.
	I'm like, you know, how do I know you're from fucking Robinhood?
	He goes, oh, it's going to say Robinhood support on the top.
	And it literally did.
	And like a dick, I, like literally, I, but that's.
	The NYPD gets thousands of those fucking calls, and they have a whole unit designed that.
	But let me tell you what the NYPD's doing about it.
	They're not doing a fucking thing.
	And the only reason why these people are calling the NYPD is because when you go to the bank, they're going to say, you've got to report it and get a complaint number.
	And then once you get the complaint number, you can go to the frauds department and they can stop stuff.
	I can't explain to you how many people have come into my report and say, I sent this person thousands of dollars thinking it was real.
	And I would be like, yeah, you're fucked.
	And I almost did the same shit like a complete fucking retard.
	But I didn't.
	I got away with it.
	No, you only have a retard.
	Alright, thanks for calling.
	Alright, what do you got?
	You're not allowed two things.
	This better be the same thing.
	No, this will blow your mind, though.
	No, please, please.
	I blew my fucking mind.
	I'm waiting to see.
	I'm literally half Slovak and half Native American as well.
	Isn't that crazy?
	You have what?
	My mind is as unblown as my dick being married to a woman for 22 years.
	He's have what?
	He's the same ethnicity as my wife, I guess.
	He's half Slovak, half fucking Native American.
	First Nation.
	Yeah, First Nation.
	All right, thanks for calling, Chug.
	Go fucking drink yourself to death on the Reds.
	He says the funny shit.
	Go eat enough fry bread to give yourself diabetes, you fuck.
	You look like a monk.
	What a waste of time.
	I'm going to blow your mind.
	What the fuck?
	He's Canadian and he's part Native.
	Who knew?
	That's it, folks.
	It's 10 o'clock.
	That's the end of the show.
	Thank you for tuning in.
	Sorry, caller.
	Until next time, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
	Take another call.
	I want to hear somebody's music.
	I've got to be in front of us.
	You take the call, Sam.
	Take the call.
	Matty, grab the seat.
	All right, you want to take the call?
	This is after hours.
	We'll switch to purely audio.
	We'll do an audio podcast.
	Hello.
	917, you're on the line.
	Oh, hi.
	Oh, it's a hot chick.
	What's up?
	Hello.
	How are you?
	John, I got to talk to you.
	I know you brought Gavin to Shine's.
	Did you used to go to Chauncey's back in the day?
	Yeah.
	Okay, thanks for calling.
	Oh.
	You from Long Beach?
	Yeah, I'm from Long Beach.
	I go out there every summer.
	My friend got a place right near there.
	Who do you know out there in Long Beach from Shines?
	Well, here's the thing.
	You were at Shines on my birthday.
	You took Gavin to Shines on my birthday.
	I was in fucking Key West.
	And I was so mad.
	And then he put it on the show the second time you brought him there.
	And I called the girl that manages Shines.
	And I was like, yo, you got what?
	Do you know Mike McFadden from Shines?
	I know the girl, the girl that manages it, I think is his woman.
	I don't know exactly what the relationship is, but they're woke as fuck.
	You know that, right?
	Shines?
	Yes.
	I called her.
	When Gavin posted on the show, he was so happy.
	He went in there.
	And I was so mad that I missed him in there.
	And I called her.
	I was like, yo, you gotta look at this.
	This guy did a whole thing on you guys.
	It's the fucking best.
	He loves you, da-da-da.
	And she's like, oh, really?
	Send it to me.
	And I was like, listen, before you go and you post this on Instagram, do you know who this is?
	And she goes, no.
	I was like, that's the leader of the Proud Boys.
	She's like, oh my God, that's a problem.
	She's all into fucking trans shit and all this.
	Like, I hate to burst your bubble, but the woman they have managing it is...
	Well, I know they were closed for a while.
	They had a few problems there.
	They were changing things.
	But we'll be definitely out there.
	We'll see you there in July.
	We'll let you know.
	If you want to go to the Knights of Columbus, right down the block.
	I know everybody.
	I paint all the windows in town.
	I'm an artist in Long Beach.
	And I paint all the windows.
	So I paint for everybody.
	And I lived there.
	I grew up there my whole life.
	So if you want to go out, I'll bring you everywhere.
	Are you married?
	I want to see you naked.
	I like your attitude.
	My husband's a cop.
	That's fine.
	Where does he work?
	Nashville County.
	Oh, he makes a lot of money.
	No, no, no.
	We'll definitely...
	If you watch the show when we're going out there one weekend, we'll definitely...
	Because we hit all the bars out there.
	My friend is actually right there.
	He lives on Pennsylvania Avenue.
	Oh, okay.
	My in-laws live on Grand, and I grew up in the East Bend.
	You got any single friends?
	I'm married.
	Yeah, I got plenty.
	I have great single friends, actually.
	They're looking for men, too.
	Even better.
	I'm looking for single friends who are looking for men.
	We're old.
	So, maybe too old.
	Jackpot.
	Alright, we're in.
	Alright, thank you, John.
	Thanks for the call.
	Thank you.
	Bye.
	Bye.
	You wanna sign everybody off, cops?
	I gotta piss like you wouldn't fucking believe.
	Just click it off.

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