A.I. is making better and better songs unless they mention Gavin's chin in which case they suck. College students have never been dumber, Biden has never been more lost, and white people have never said, "Black ass."
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, get yourself a wife. | |
| That's Jimmy Soule rocking out saying, put a ring on it. | |
| The original proud boy. | |
| You fucked a bunch of broads, you partied a bunch. | |
| What the hell are you waiting for? | |
| I thought that was AI. | |
| And I was like, where's the joke? | |
| Like the most boring AI song? | |
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| That's preparewithgavin.com. | |
| Welcome back to the show. | |
| This is a Friday free show. | |
| The first half is free. | |
| The second half is behind a paywall. | |
| I tried making a mini version of the show so you non-subscribers could see that we have a letters page and a final video and these different segments. | |
| But that's not fun for me. | |
| I would prefer to do a complete show once. | |
| So I'm going to bite the hand that feeds me and fuck myself over. | |
| Dude, so my buddy's friend died on Sunday, right? | |
| So I drank with him Sunday, Monday. | |
| Tuesday, the misses wanted to party, okay? | |
| Never saying no to that. | |
| Wednesday was Anthony, so I had the hair of the dog. | |
| And then yesterday I was like, all right, you got to pay the tax man at some point. | |
| And so I paid him yesterday. | |
| Could barely eat until about 6 or 7 p.m. | |
| And then I finally sort of shook myself to bed after we did the Thursday night show. | |
| And the nightmares were unbelievable. | |
| Children under dress. | |
| Like, it started out okay. | |
| I would never talk about your dreams, your job, or your kids. | |
| It started out okay. | |
| I was doing a relay race, some sort of promotion with Greg Gutfeld. | |
| We were dressed ridiculously like dandies, and we were doing a relay, but it was organized by chicks. | |
| So I'm sexist in my dreams. | |
| And they didn't have the correct balls for it. | |
| And Greg was like, I'm out of here. | |
| And I go, we can make a relay race. | |
| We could still do the commercial. | |
| We'll just have to do it ourselves. | |
| He's like, nah. | |
| Now, it was in the most dangerous place in the world, this house that we were shooting this at. | |
| But the subway would touch the house almost. | |
| You could jump on, get away from the savages, and be gone. | |
| So imagine like Port-au-Prince, Haiti right now with barbecue running the show. | |
| So I stick around after he leaves. | |
| I go, I'll make it home later, whatever. | |
| I have a backpack and a fanny pack, and I missed the last train. | |
| So I've got to go out into the abyss, into judgment night. | |
| And there's all these like gangster murderers. | |
| They want my fanny pack so bad. | |
| Meanwhile, the only thing, I'm realizing how boring this is as I tell it. | |
| The only thing in my fanny pack was dog food, some doggy treats, a jar of change. | |
| But I couldn't let them grab it because that would show weakness. | |
| And I could see with these hyenas that if I even let them take like a dollar from me, they were going to do worse and murder me eventually. | |
| And if you're ever even slightly coherent in your nightmares, and nightmares are stressful, so it's likely that you're having a moment. | |
| Your adrenaline is sort of waking up a little bit. | |
| If you can grab a semblance of control, win. | |
| They say that depression, like the butthole surfer song 22 going on 23, they say that depression comes from not being able to come out a winner in your dreams. | |
| So don't be, and this goes for life too. | |
| Don't just be passive and sit back and go, oh, well, I guess I'm in hell. | |
| I'm going to get murdered. | |
| I'm in Haiti. | |
| Haiti's in America. | |
| So I don't know if I willed this, but at some point there was this biker. | |
| I think his name was Bugsy. | |
| And he heard that I had been around and he had created this incredible like tank truck that had these flat boards that jutted out on the side. | |
| And if you tried to attack it, the boards would make you slip or you could stand on the boards. | |
| And so I got into that and people were jumping on it and they were falling. | |
| And I was holding on to the front. | |
| I wasn't in it. | |
| I was in front of the girl, but I was standing on one of the boards because there's garbage everywhere. | |
| I forgot to mention that. | |
| Everywhere is garbage. | |
| So I guess it was Haiti. | |
| It was like white Haiti. | |
| And I made it across the border to safety. | |
| And then I remembered I have a buddy back in there. | |
| And I looked at the side of the thing. | |
| He was standing on one of the boards. | |
| I don't know where he came from. | |
| He was gone. | |
| So the dream ended with me having to go back. | |
| And I decided I'm going to give them my fanny pack and my backpack. | |
| Because as I learned from the documentary, The Gentleman on Netflix, when you're doing business with geezers, you got to give a little bit to get a little bit. | |
| You've got to negotiate. | |
| But yeah. | |
| These nightmares at the end of a bender are something else. | |
| Something else. | |
| Woke up in a cold sweat. | |
| I went to Japan last night in my dream. | |
| Ooh. | |
| Nothing wrong with that. | |
| You're right, Gavin. | |
| There was nothing wrong with that. | |
| It was an enjoyable experience. | |
| And we even partook in some of the traditions, like tourist trap things. | |
| Of course, you know, the bridge where people eat those little sandwiches. | |
| So non-alcoholics' dreams are boring is what you're saying. | |
| Like, mine could be a blockbuster film. | |
| Well, it was peaceful. | |
| It's nice. | |
| And, but, you know, you know what's sad? | |
| So the place where you traditionally eat the sandwiches on the bridge was closed. | |
| Next time. | |
| I think you need to become an alcoholic, my friend. | |
| You need some color in your life. | |
| I drank wine one of these past Sundays. | |
| A little glass of wine. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Crazy. | |
| Well, pour me a big, tall glass of care next time you have a story about one of your dreams. | |
| LeBron James had a pretty big announcement today that I was stunned to hear. | |
| That's a question everybody wants to know. | |
| LeBron, what's your decision? | |
| And this fall, man, this is very tough. | |
| I'm going to transition and take my talents to the WNBA and join the Indiana Fever. | |
| Why? | |
| I've just always felt like I was born in the wrong body. | |
| Was it always in your plan? | |
| Well, I mean... | |
| Guys, have you never heard of Room Tone? | |
| I was just about to download this and fix it. | |
| That's who I am. | |
| Yeah. | |
| It's in there. | |
| It's there. | |
| The Room Tone's all there. | |
| You could just take it and then multiply it. | |
| So the question everybody wants to know. | |
| LeBron? | |
| And the thing, so it doesn't sound monotonous, like it's going, you could reverse it. | |
| Oh, okay. | |
| Yeah, because if you only have like a couple seconds, you're going to hear a little, not quite that big of a blip, but you're going to hear a cut. | |
| Or you take an even smaller piece that doesn't have the, and then you, you would multiply that, but then randomize what it is so it does sound root. | |
| There's ways, guys. | |
| There's ways. | |
| Come on, you fucking footy duddy. | |
| And in fact, when we do the Nick Oaks AI, it like forces the room tone. | |
| So if we have a sample that we give it that had room tone, it has that in there, which is kind of annoying, but it's like hard to actually avoid doing it the right way. | |
| So I don't know how they messed up. | |
| Yeah, it's a challenge to fuck this up so badly. | |
| And this fall, man. | |
| And people are like, AI is getting so good. | |
| It is if you do it right. | |
| Like this, Helen Keller doing Billie Jean. | |
| I think they nailed this perfectly. | |
| In fact, for a second there, I thought this might be real. | |
| And then I realized, no, no, she died way before Billie Jean. | |
| Ha! | |
| Is the verse? | |
| yeah this is the verses I think the chorus is coming up. | |
| Yeah, that's the chorus. | |
| My kids don't believe in Helen Keller. | |
| I don't either. | |
| Okay. | |
| So Helen Keller's out. | |
| Buildings are made by aliens, I guess. | |
| Have you heard the arguments against Helen Keller? | |
| Yeah, I've heard the arguments against Australia existing and planes. | |
| Well, birds. | |
| That doesn't. | |
| Speaking of AI songs, Baby Monster sent us in a bunch that are unique to us. | |
| It's strange I'm playing them right now to people who are not necessarily familiar with the show because you won't get these jokes. | |
| Well, here, here, here. | |
| We can explain it to someone. | |
| Play the jelly bean drop. | |
| You don't know what a jelly bean. | |
| I started following her, and he was just raving about grandma's snacks. | |
| She's got chocolate bars and jelly beans. | |
| She's got muffins. | |
| Does he have a... | |
| I got an M&M black. | |
| And the mom was like, we have all those things. | |
| He's like, nah, they got hard candy and jujube's. | |
| Oh, I know you don't know what a jelly bean is. | |
| I know you don't know what a jelly bean. | |
| So go to the email. | |
| Got it. | |
| I think the first one is a beautiful country song lamenting the fact that he doesn't know what a jelly bean is. | |
| Sitting here on my front porchway, watching the sunset, reminiscent. | |
| Longing to know what a jelly bean means. | |
| But I'm stuck here lost in this bittersweet dream. | |
| In this small town, life can be so tough. | |
| Everyone's got their secrets. | |
| Ain't no easy stuff. | |
| I'm asking folks what it means, but they just laugh. | |
| Oh, the mystery of the jelly bean. | |
| It's like a photograph. | |
| Doesn't make sense. | |
| What's the next one? | |
| I was Googling, asking all kinds of people what a jelly bean is. | |
| *Music* | |
| Boeing? | |
| Can't keep the planes blue. | |
| Can you give us some background? | |
| What's up in the sky? | |
| This should be the competence process. | |
| My heart's all blowing in the wind. | |
| Can't get through it all, wings and flames. | |
| Smoke rising high. | |
| Boeing's got a box. | |
| Can't seem to fly. | |
| Fucking business. | |
| Yeah, I can see why you thought that up when you thought it was AI. | |
| What's the next one? | |
| Feeling the bubble tingles, gotta let it out. | |
| I think it's the tone of drums and guitar. | |
| Like, that's crazy. | |
| A rush of energy, no room for doubt. | |
| It got me feeling alive, but I'm ready to take on any time. | |
| Dodging and weaving, I'm in the zone that you can try to meet me. | |
| I don't get this. | |
| No chin shots. | |
| Oh, dang, like, we're gonna do it. | |
| This show's not going to be canceled by a gin joke. | |
| Get fired, break down the walls. | |
| Get in trouble, I'll break through it all. | |
| What's this song? | |
| This is a totally different person. | |
| Wrote a song about me. | |
| It's an AI song about me. | |
| That's one of my favorite subjects. | |
| Pull up the lyrics. | |
| Is this it? | |
| Well, it's one four. | |
| Oh, okay. | |
| So we're leaving one on the table there. | |
| I guess so, yeah. | |
| This is a totally different person. | |
| In the morning, wake up with a smile. | |
| But Gotting's bed ain't dry. | |
| It took a while. | |
| He had a little accident. | |
| Oh, so he's a little bit more. | |
| Let's not be a shit mention here. | |
| Now he's sleeping in a cuddle, what a lad. | |
| Don't you know worries? | |
| He's got his style of mine skater's gone. | |
| No, he's talking about a different guy. | |
| Did you hear the lyrics? | |
| It's crazy. | |
| He said Gavin McKinnes. | |
| Is that your name? | |
| Is your name Gavin McKinnes? | |
| Last I checked, it was Gavin McKinnon. | |
| No! | |
| Not even close. | |
| Do you know why? | |
| Because the Gavin I know wouldn't walk out. | |
| Wouldn't walk out of his show, no. | |
| Because that would prove that they're right. | |
| And they're not. | |
| So it's really, you know, for one to walk out would be to confirm what they're saying. | |
| We're back. | |
| Okay, let's maybe... | |
| No, no, this goes different. | |
| What is this? | |
| A warrior in its real daily wire won't win his eye. | |
| No way for the juice. | |
| They say it ain't right. | |
| The Quakers rising ready and fire. | |
| Southern border. | |
| There is an open door. | |
| That's not the border. | |
| Someone says this next one, video of you stealing a phone might break me out of this slump that I'm in now because of the no-chin thing. | |
| By the way, I haven't wet the bed in at least a year. | |
| There you go. | |
| Way to fucking bring up the past. | |
| Eat that, haters. | |
| So this is you stealing a phone. | |
| This has been sent to me so many times. | |
| It almost made it to the Google Doc. | |
| Please stop sending me this. | |
| *Rain* | |
| I don't see the resemblance at all. | |
| You're just a compare. | |
| And this is going to sound racist, but I was really impressed that Chinese people can do comedy. | |
| That's pretty funny. | |
| That's a pretty good joke. | |
| Also, Sprinks. | |
| See the email Sprinks? | |
| I didn't number it. | |
| It got past me. | |
| But we keep finding these funny guys. | |
| You turn on Comedy Central, you don't see a lot of funny guys. | |
| You go to a comedy club, you don't see a lot of funny guys. | |
| It's like comedy has been wokeified and ruined in the mainstream. | |
| So you have to go to the outskirts of TikTok to find stuff that was pretty easy to find, you know, up until pretty recently. | |
| Up until Obama. | |
| No, Trump. | |
| I would say Trump was kind of. | |
| That's when the woke people decided they had to blockade comedy. | |
| Anyway, I'm ruining it by building it up. | |
| My door is locked. | |
| I'm sinking the image in my brain. | |
| I'm not going to worry that it's unlocked once I lay in bed. | |
| What's up, man? | |
| You left your door unlocked. | |
| I did. | |
| You know what sucks about that is I did like a I did like a I have a thing where I kind of worry about if I locked my door every time I lay down Yeah, so I kind of really tried to sink the image of me locking it in. | |
| Well, you know when sometimes you lay down and you're like, did I make that shit up in my head or like did it just really you did you made it that's scary because it kind of confirms so now you'll do it forever. | |
| Like I've always wondered did I park my car? | |
| Did I did I lock my car? | |
| Did I turn the lights off? | |
| Did I really lock it? | |
| So what's the repercussions for me? | |
| I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. | |
| Oh no. | |
| I'm gonna take the fluff out of this. | |
| Is that Call of Duty World of War? | |
| I believe so yet. | |
| So it's a great one. | |
| That was wrong with zombies for the first time. | |
| Yes, it was very fun. | |
| Taking that. | |
| Why do you want to, what's going on? | |
| Like, what is this? | |
| Oh, this is my job. | |
| Can you let it slide or no? | |
| Because believe it or not, I really don't like to get the shit beating out of me. | |
| I don't like it. | |
| He looks like he's a burn victim. | |
| You ever do a ticket? | |
| Being burnt makes you funny. | |
| Yeah. | |
| You did it? | |
| Here's a tip for you kids at home. | |
| If you want to get funny, get some hot oil on those arms. | |
| He's on fire. | |
| Yeah. | |
| Look at it. | |
| He's good at burning people. | |
| Nice. | |
| He has sick burn. | |
| He didn't even say anything. | |
| Wow. | |
| Yeah, man. | |
| You believe that? | |
| What you're brainstorming? | |
| Play tricks on you. | |
| All right, come on. | |
| So that's great. | |
| That was really funny. | |
| Purple Works Nutrition. | |
| Missed the gym all week because of this stupid bender. | |
| Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. | |
| Today I was like, okay, come on. | |
| You didn't drink at all. | |
| Well, I had only like five drinks last night. | |
| I paid my nightmare tax. | |
| End of every bender, you got to pay the IRS with some, an entire night of nightmares. | |
| And I thought, I got to get there, but I barely slept. | |
| I was tossing and turning. | |
| And I thought, I need that one little push. | |
| And there we got Purple works. | |
| Nutrition. | |
| It. | |
| Don't skip this because I have a very special segment here. | |
| I want to get to the part where the beta-alanine. | |
| It's got beta-alanine. | |
| It does. | |
| Builds your muscles. | |
| That's true. | |
| It doesn't give you the shits. | |
| No. | |
| But I decided to do a special segment for today's Purple Works Nutrition and show you some art from my gym. | |
| So get this stuff. | |
| It gives you the tingles. | |
| I definitely see muscle development. | |
| I'm still a fat pig because I have so much beer and carbs. | |
| Wait, wait. | |
| But it just makes you go to the gym. | |
| And when I was there, Larry kept trying to hit me with the pads. | |
| I was fucking a blocking machine. | |
| Can't hit you. | |
| At one point, I ducked. | |
| And he's like, ooh, look at you. | |
| Yep. | |
| Bobbing and weaving. | |
| Anyway, while I'm on Purpleworks Nutrition and Slamming Away, I thought I could show you some things. | |
| Here's a poster a Baby Monster made of Larry Barnes and his big fight with Felix Trinidad. | |
| Kind of a career-altering fight. | |
| And if you look at the very bottom, it's kind of hard to see, but it says, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting. | |
| So that's a fun little shout out to Baby Monsters at the gym. | |
| This is, I don't know what the fuck is going on with this, but that's on the wall. | |
| It appears to be some kind of a seagull with little booties on, playing a trumpet with a flying kitten. | |
| You don't know what that is? | |
| No? | |
| Mike Tyson used to do these, like these collages. | |
| That's a Mike Tyson. | |
| Oh, just made that up. | |
| Me, you. | |
| One show. | |
| That means a boxer came to my gym and said to the owner, hey man, I don't know if you give a shit, but I made this. | |
| Cat's got glasses on. | |
| I don't know if you want to. | |
| He's like, yeah, sure. | |
| Ke clunk. | |
| He staples it to the wall. | |
| In the middle, too. | |
| He gets it laminated, too. | |
| Like, every single thing in the gym is laminated. | |
| That's a staple right there. | |
| Yeah. | |
| In the center of the water. | |
| What are his shoes? | |
| Roller skates? | |
| Kind of got a roller ski? | |
| What else do we got at the gym? | |
| It's important to relay. | |
| This is weird. | |
| So that's Larry standing up there with his arms up. | |
| And it appears he beat the shit out of everyone in the gym. | |
| Where are you? | |
| Are they just, or maybe they're tired because he's such a good trainer? | |
| But that's a good quality drawing, whoever did that. | |
| But I don't know. | |
| It looks like the trainer's a little too hard on the clientele. | |
| Yeah, I don't think if you're tired, you grab your balls. | |
| Like, he hit him in the balls. | |
| I guess come to our gym. | |
| Our trainers will beat the shit out of you. | |
| He'll kill everyone but the dog. | |
| Okay? | |
| What else do we got? | |
| This might take you a second to realize, but it is a bookshelf in the shape of a face. | |
| Tons of books are available. | |
| Read, better yourself. | |
| I've never seen anyone touch a book. | |
| I don't think anyone at my gym can read. | |
| No offense? | |
| Well, that's not fair. | |
| There's a couple authors, but let me put it this way. | |
| The most people I've met who can't read happen to be at a boxing gym. | |
| There's a reason that there's a scholarship in college for every other sport but boxing. | |
| Safest place in the gym to hide your money. | |
| Yes. | |
| You could put your crypto wallet. | |
| I just, if I don't want the trainers to see me and tell me what to do, I just stand by the books because they have a natural aversion. | |
| Although I keep wanting to get that lost and found book. | |
| The Brocks is burning, I think, is about the Yankees. | |
| Next, here's the G-Dog. | |
| I think you got to zoom out. | |
| I'm on the wall. | |
| My boys, Vicks, I'm saying my boys, the proud boys, are the victims here. | |
| Proud goons, chief, blames lefties. | |
| I guess that's me. | |
| So that was a daily news. | |
| I signed it for some reason. | |
| Wherein they're a liberal newspaper here. | |
| It's mostly for teachers and stuff. | |
| Hey. | |
| And they were saying that they were allowing me to say that these guys have been framed and fucked over. | |
| That next picture is John gets so horny. | |
| That's big John. | |
| At the gym that he's like, please, just for one second. | |
| I'm like, dude, I'm lifting weights. | |
| Please. | |
| Not now. | |
| I was waiting to receive you. | |
| Yeah. | |
| And he goes, I'll wait here. | |
| You see if you feel like it later on. | |
| I'm like, I'm not going to feel like it. | |
| I'm telling you right now. | |
| This is, I've noticed Americans, they love puns, as Ryan does, but I don't think they think about what the other one is. | |
| Like the example I always use is, you know, we've got these new biscuits and they're called sun chips and you put them where the sun don't shine. | |
| And it works because it's sun and sun chips. | |
| But the sun don't shine means your ass. | |
| Like nuclear is not a good thing to be in a swimming pool. | |
| I get that it's new and it's clear, but nuclear waste is bad for you. | |
| Do they think it's clean? | |
| Like nuclear is clean. | |
| Yeah, I think it's just like, I got a wordplay. | |
| I'm not going any deeper than that. | |
| Yeah. | |
| I actually saw one of these workers like while I was getting Zen. | |
| Okay, good story. | |
| Like the other day. | |
| Are they new? | |
| And you, are they new around town? | |
| Sounds like a pun, but okay. | |
| This is one of my favorite things I look at every day. | |
| Seize does not have an apostrophe. | |
| I see the typo here. | |
| And I just, I keep meaning to bring in some gray paint and just cover the C's apostrophe. | |
| But that's the kind of thing you keep meaning to do. | |
| you never get around to it. | |
| Of course, No, it definitely shouldn't be there. | |
| But you know what confuses me? | |
| It's ITS. | |
| Sometimes there's not an apostrophe, right? | |
| I always thought there was an apostrophe. | |
| Fourth grade. | |
| But what? | |
| Welcome to eight-year-old levels of spelling and grammar. | |
| I never thought about it. | |
| Posh. | |
| You should probably edit that out. | |
| I'm okay with. | |
| It possibly indicates that it's part of the word is. | |
| Ryan, please don't waste time on the show with the dumbest shit imaginable. | |
| Next. | |
| Well, if you know it, you'd explain it. | |
| Yeah, I don't know it. | |
| I like this one because he goes, Do not hit bags hard. | |
| Speed bags made for speed, not strength, whatever. | |
| But then he's like, walking, yeah, not power. | |
| And then he's like, well, it's not bags. | |
| It's this, particularly the speed bag. | |
| So he has to add speed in there. | |
| And then he's like, it's not just power. | |
| It's timing too. | |
| So he adds a little plus timing. | |
| It's an organic sign. | |
| It grows over time. | |
| I think that's the last one. | |
| Oh, yeah. | |
| And just some puppies on the wall in case you like puppies. | |
| Those are there. | |
| I don't. | |
| I don't have a feeling for puppies. | |
| Leon Spinks just showing off his grill. | |
| Looks great. | |
| Oh, this one is fun. | |
| That's their old gym. | |
| But zoom in on those four guys. | |
| Imagine how low IQ you'd have to be to call yourself. | |
| No, no, the four guys at the bottom. | |
| To call yourself face, Mr. Magnificent. | |
| Hi, I'm Face Mr. Magnificent. | |
| And why is it a different font size? | |
| So I wanted to say face, that's how I'm known, but I'm also known as Mr. Magnificent. | |
| So you've got to make Mr. Magnificent a little smaller. | |
| Who knew Jadakiss and DJ shortcuts would be the most rational guys in the room? | |
| All right, is that it? | |
| That is it. | |
| That's a new twist on Purple Works Nutrition. | |
| So they sponsored a look at the posters on my gym. | |
| At my gym? | |
| All right, and then finally, Nita Fashions. | |
| Look at this. | |
| Is that your new one? | |
| No. | |
| Nope. | |
| Because I saw somebody, a baby monster, that got fitted in Jersey. | |
| They just got theirs yesterday. | |
| So that means ours is a week long if all goes according to plan. | |
| Okay. | |
| Exciting. | |
| I think a lot of them, they need a fashions is so efficient that even when they're on tour, they're sending plans back to Hong Kong and having people make it there. | |
| So baby monsters were getting their shirts even though Anil and Peter haven't returned yet. | |
| But are they still on their tour? | |
| What do we got here? | |
| It's Friday the 26th. | |
| I don't have today's New York Post. | |
| I took my motorcycle. | |
| I stuffed it under my bum bum. | |
| And when I got here, it's gone. | |
| So it's gooched. | |
| It's gooched away. | |
| It's the 26th of April. | |
| Yeah, so they're in Palo Alto, California tomorrow. | |
| Today is their last day in San Francisco. | |
| Probably too late for you to schedule a San Francisco visit. | |
| But their tour ends this week, depending what you call a week. | |
| This Monday, I guess, 27th and 28th. | |
| So tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, they're in Palo Alto. | |
| You go over there, you get a fitting, check out some swaths, you choose where your buttons go. | |
| It sounds gay, but it's super fun. |