All Episodes
Previous Next
Dec. 22, 2023 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:08:10
5E36 - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (FREE PART)

  Ryan and Gavin catch up on each other's recent TV appearances, took calls, and simped on Pierce Brosnan's wife.

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wafty spunk.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGinnis.
The three words that best describe you.
Fuck Christmas.
Fuck this shit.
Stick my dick in the box.
Fuck this gift.
Sweeping up the cousin and death.
My dick every gift under the tree till it ain't nothing left.
I'm a mean one.
Call me Mr. Grinch.
Unwashed socks in the block, make niggas wrench.
Thief my night down to fuck you with damn.
Watch my nuts with your toothbrush down on display.
I don't give a shit.
I ain't giving shit.
I hate spitting this puff.
I hate St. Nicholas.
You wake up while I'm taking your shit.
That's when I smack blood out your little witness and bitch.
Bounce.
Candy.
How was Sean P?
Sean P. Stole Christmas?
Funny little jam.
That's kind of my generation of rap.
He was half of the band Helta Skelta.
And I look back at how into it we were.
That's when we started Vice in the early 90s.
And how into rap I was.
And it's such garbage.
I hate rap now.
I think it's because there was nothing sadder than being an old punk.
So when we were around 24 years old, we go, we got to get out of this shit.
This is getting embarrassing.
And then NWA came out with Straight Out of Compton, and that was edgy.
So we went, okay, there's a mass exodus.
And punk had become Fat Rack and Gilman Street and West Coasters in cargo shorts on stage with bowling shirts trying to sing well and singing about love.
Bye-bye.
Home to mommy.
So today is a fun episode.
We're not going to have an episode on Christmas because we're going to be Christmasing.
So don't gorge on this.
Show some delayed gratification and only watch half of this episode today and then watch the other half on Christmas.
We'll see what we do with Boxing.
I might just do reruns all next week.
I'm going skiing.
So we'll rerun the Gavin McCant show.
I was going to play this fun little diddy, this little John remix of Holly Jolly Christmas.
It's beautiful.
Very rap-centered musical intros today.
That's a good song.
You know what happened with my Christmas mix, Ryan?
I mean, sorry.
What happened there?
So I forgot.
We have Donald Trump in the studio, ladies and gentlemen.
Not a big deal.
It's okay.
He's a friend of mine.
I was down with Don way before the presidency, and he remembers that, right?
It's so true, really.
You don't get enough credit for it, but really, the amount of people that were behind me in the beginning was very low, okay?
The conservatives, a couple of other people, even pundits.
I don't know about Stephen Crowder, but Ben Shapiro was against me.
I think Glenn Beck was against me.
Ted Cruz?
Ted Cruz was again.
Fox did not have your back, right?
Gutfeld said you were definitely going to lose.
Literally nobody, and I don't think you get the cutter.
She's a coulter.
But then she doesn't have your back now.
Because of the wall, right?
Yeah, she's mad at you because of the wall.
So what we're going to do is take calls, live show.
It'll be free at the beginning, and then I'm going to cut them off.
If I was good at my job, these would all be wrapped.
That was pathetic.
Not a very Christmassy set.
Maybe you can make them wrapped in post.
And then we'll go behind the paywall and finish the show.
But we'll take calls throughout.
I have show notes, but we also have Ryan's entire paternity leave of articles.
So I was thinking, if people call in and they're like, hey, you know, these moms have fur babies and my neighbor has a pet chicken instead of a kid.
I have like 40 stories of that.
So no matter what you come up with, from Iraq to bunions, I'll have something to add to it.
So that'll be fun.
But before we get started, we have to get a word from our sponsors.
And one of our longest and most devoted sponsor is Purple Works Nutrition.
It's a pre-workout.
I take it every morning before I work out.
I get these prickly sensations.
Today, I took it too soon, and I was getting the prickly sensations at home.
And you're kind of like, shit, I got to get to the gym and get this out of it.
It's a race.
And then you're in the car.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you know what's funny?
When you're in the car and you almost hit someone or someone almost hits you, like a siren started next to me.
There was an ambulance that was coming out of the intersection.
I was like, oh, shit.
And then the prickle's really like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You get this wave.
So they sent us some goodies.
Let's see what they are.
We're opening them live.
I'm doing a different kind of read for you, Purple Works.
It's an unboxing, really.
It's one of the most popular things that you can do.
Again, I don't know if they want me to say this, but I don't take the whole scoop.
I find it too intense.
I'm a bit high-strung to begin with, so caffeine really affects me.
Okay, great.
So we got two news of those.
And maybe while we...
The New Year is right around the corner, and you know what that means?
Sure.
Read it.
I mean, sorry, Trump, Trump.
That's all right.
The New Year is right around the corner, and you know what that means.
For weeks, millions of people will get off their fat ass and they're going to go to the gym, right?
Then they're going to sink back into the couch as the New Year resolutions fade into oblivion.
Well, with Purple Works pre-workout, you'll have an ally in your corner to get you off your ass.
This is actually for Maddie.
It's some sort of cake.
Oops.
A Matty cake.
Matty cake, Matty Cake Baker's Man.
Well, they're going to help you get off your ass and achieve your fitness goals.
This is for Matty, too.
Sorry, keep going, Don.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Achieve your goals for 2024.
It seems nearly impossible to take this product and not feel like you need to exert yourself into an extreme degree.
Purpleworks pre-workout only uses the highest quality ingredients.
Creatine for strength, caffeine and green tea extract for energy and focus, vitamins for muscle and tissue repair, and cardisin beta-alanine for the quote-unquote tingles.
We love the Chris Tingles.
Purple Works is going to be launching a new pre-worked formula in 2024.
So keep an eye on this site.
What have you got to do with...
Unbelievable.
Dolce and Gabbana?
What?
This guy's got money.
Is that cookie?
Oh, you know what it is?
Plural?
Probably some fancy designer cake.
I didn't know they made cake.
Nor did I. But then again, Dolce does mean sweet, right?
Does it?
Dolce, yeah, of course.
Let's see what it is.
So, you have.
Oh, you only have a couple of months to stock up on the old formula.
So if that's something you want to do, then that's what you're going to do.
But wait, there's more.
Purple Works has a line of fine imported Italian coffees.
I can give this to my wife.
They have ground gourmet coffee with a big-ass 2.2 bag of whole organic beard coffee.
They even have gourmet instant coffee if you don't want to wait.
Panettone.
Yeah, the panettone.
Is it the Italian?
This is a great thing about my wife not watching the show.
I'm just going to give her this.
I assume you got the same one, Ryan.
Beautiful.
Fantastic.
She'd love it.
As a side note, I cannot recommend this enough.
See if you can find one.
It's a key, but it's not a key.
It's a little knife.
It's not for killing, but you're constantly opening stuff.
And a penknife is too bulky.
And this, you clean your fingernails with it.
It's great.
Anyway, thanks, Purpleworks Nutrition.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you for the gift.
15% off with promo code Gavin.
Oh, and if you're interested in sending a advertising request, email Sean at censored.tv.
That's S-E-A-N at censored.tv.
My movie is out, I'm happy to announce.
I'm not an attractive person.
My only asset, and it's dwindling, is my hair.
So I'm like Samson.
When I wear a hat, I lose my powers.
Your movie is out?
Yeah.
Remember that Santa thing?
The fashion thing I did?
Show the trailer.
It's got the guy from Kids in the Hall.
It's not a comedy.
It's, well, it's a rom-com.
So, this idea is out of the box.
It's seasonally appropriate.
She's great.
Styling Santa.
I don't like it.
I love it.
Styling Santa needs universal appeal or it's not going to work.
Yeah, you're right.
They're rebooting Santa.
Number one, honest.
Number two, thoughtful.
Here I come.
Confident, creative.
Oh, I love these.
To getting perfect styling Santa.
Here I am.
Anita Fashions helped with this.
Wow, I forgot you filmed that.
What do you think?
I think it's beautiful.
You too, styling Santa.
Gosh, she's the real deal.
There's got to be a catch.
I feel like I overacted a little bit.
That kick was too much.
That's a bit much.
The acting is exquisite though.
"I think she has a thing for him." "You make everything fun." So if you think it's Gavin right now, raise your hand.
Dude, that looks so shockingly bad.
I didn't even register that as a thing.
I know.
It's a Darman.
It's a card.
It's Darman levels, but it's a movie.
It was like reading a Hallmark card for an event that you're not getting a card for.
Isn't there an FCC?
Like, can't we say that's not?
You can't sell that.
That doesn't meet the bare, bare minimum of movie.
So you're fired.
I have the whole movie there as a link.
Then I could eat my Burger King that just got here.
Oh, it's a Brian Power joint.
Brain power, you illiterate.
Different guy.
Santa's got style.
So the trailer's just the beginning.
Jump somewhere in the middle.
That poor kid's in the hall guy.
He's doing student films.
Oh, there's a hump.
Oh, it's when you come in.
That's when you're introduced.
And look, you're the sidekick.
That's me?
Oh.
So it's for gays and women, I guess.
Are you suggesting I literally pretend to be a different person?
Literally?
She might figure it out, but this guy is.
What kind of necklace is that?
Yeah, it's just a pile of shit around his neck.
What a distracting.
Oh, that's Santa.
Yeah.
So I get it.
He likes the girl.
She's not interested.
And then he puts on that stupid beard.
And there's going to be a moment where it falls off.
Uh-oh.
If it wasn't for you kids.
And she's going to go, I realize I love you for you.
Not that you're a sexy Santa.
Like, women see that and go puke.
And then they see Mr. Fucking Fuzz Beard.
And they go, now I'm horny.
Yeah.
Now that you're Santa, I'm horny.
Okay, that's what we just saw.
Jump farther in.
Yeah.
Where's the vehicle?
A guy dressed like Santa is a Christian miracle.
I hate when they do this in movies.
Women aren't attracted to men.
They get turned on by power and money and Tony's soprano-ness later on.
But women don't look at a man and go, what the fuck?
That's what we do.
A man doesn't walk in a room and a woman drop her mug ever.
They're not into hunks.
They don't watch the Super Bowl for their buns.
Women aren't horny.
Very sweet.
Are you guys ready for the main attraction?
Uh-oh, he lost his beard.
When does his beard fall off?
Is this it?
Some guy's gonna rip off his beard.
He's jealous.
What's his security guard?
There we go!
What the?
I knew it!
I can explain.
This is crazy.
This is like for babies.
This is teletubby drama.
Oh my god, it's so bad.
You know what it reminds me of, by the way?
This is kind of the competence crisis, the quality of entertainment.
SNL had a funny skit, which is amazing.
That's news.
Breaking news.
SNL was funny.
And here's why.
You write about what you know.
That's how you make good writing, right?
You're in your wheelhouse.
Is your food waiting by the door?
It is.
Go get it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So what is SNL?
They recruit from the groundlings.
You've heard my gripe a million times.
You get the best people at improv.
I used to scoff at improv, but when it's good, it is kind of impressive.
You get the best improv people in the country, and then you give them cue cards.
It's the stupidest thing.
It's like getting the best bowlers in the world, and then you set up the kiddie guards.
You ruin it.
And they read a script that's laying on the ground.
That's not near where the person they're talking to.
You could rely on them.
They do improv for a living.
You found them.
It's one of the most frustrating things about the entire Western world right now.
You know, a wise man once said, they went from the groundlings to the reading from the groundlings.
Sorry, I just got distracted.
I've got ho-chunks in my house.
That's the name of the episode.
Ho-chunks in my house.
And I was told yesterday that white people have no culture, and I just am smiling through it all and not saying things like, well, the thing about white culture is it's hard to pinpoint whether you're talking about nuclear energy or classical music, unlike a bunch of nomadic basket weavers who couldn't invent the wheel.
But I'm not going to say that.
I'm just going to smile.
It's hard not to have political fights at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
I always sit here on my pulpit and say, don't argue.
It's not worth it.
But I'm so used to fucking every confrontation I get, especially being in New York for half my life.
Every time someone's like, what?
You're like, yeah, what?
You know what I mean?
It's that prison thing.
When they look at your commissary, you go, you got a problem?
You all right?
So for someone to look at my commissary in my own home, and I have to go, that's my commissary.
It goes against your instincts.
Anyway, sorry.
So we're talking about bad acting.
And if there's one thing improv kids know, theater kids know, it's bad improv.
So this is just a cute little joke about how corny and shitty, shitty improv is.
And they just nail it.
For this next part, we're going to do something really fun.
We've been studying improv all semester.
So maybe move the word and we'll use it to inform this next team.
Basketball.
Okay, basketball.
Here we go.
Honey, why are you crying?
A kid at school called me a fairy.
Don't listen to him.
It's great to be gay.
I love you no matter who you are.
Thanks, Mom.
That's important for me to hear.
Of course.
Now go wash up for dinner.
What are we having?
Basketball.
That's it.
I paid $1,000 for that improv class.
Hey, guys, for this next part, we're...
*sniff*
I'm just like, that sucked.
Yeah.
Like, I'll go to my kids' band recital and they're doing jingle bells and it's like, and I'm like, you're not ready.
You should have been up all night working on this.
Was it this bad when I was a little kid?
You guys suck.
You know how Keenan like does nothing?
It's like, that's good.
Like, SNL is so bad that less is more.
Yeah.
So you just go to his face and it's like, that is funny.
And being like, come on, man.
People reading cue cards and giggling at themselves.
So is the writer's strike over?
Wait, so Trump's gone.
Ryan's back.
Yeah, he stepped out for a second.
He had to do something Trumpy.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad that you're back, Ryan, because you were away for two weeks.
You're supposed to be with your kid, but you were so busy doing other shit.
Like what?
Well, you made an idiotic video of you getting your hair ready, which is bad for the brand.
Like, that is so gay and lame, it makes us look bad.
I don't remember doing anything of the sort.
I've got the receipts.
We'll check it out, but it won't be me.
Yeah, see, that immediately mounted the vision.
So the cloud then.
It's a different guy.
You curl your hair?
He's got zero tattoos.
I've got all the tats in the world.
I thought you guys, Sephoria was so.
Where are you, by the way?
On a private jet?
I'm right here.
When you made this video, dumbass.
Is that a limousine or something?
The weather.
What are you in?
That looks to be an airplane cabin due to the overhead storage and the background noise.
So you just sit there making videos on a plane?
I don't do that, but this guy who Is that foundation?
Ask him a little bit.
Yet again, I'm not sure.
And then there's another clip of you folding clothes at Target.
I'm forced to.
Why are you working at Target on paternity leave?
That's what I don't understand.
I'm forced to be able to get it.
When you make their $15 an hour?
Well, this has got to be somebody else.
Let's see.
What is that?
That is not me either.
So far, we haven't seen me once.
I mean, you're fast.
Why do you have a shower cap on?
You don't want to get any hairs on your t-shirts?
I don't know why he has a shower cap on.
That's unclear.
I got to admit, you got it down to a.
Wait, that's dumb.
You hid the silk screen on the shirt, so now he can't tell what shirt it is.
And then I understand you drink PBR now?
I've had PBR in the past.
I barely drink anything.
You're not a big, big drinker, but you're sitting there on your downtime making videos of you drinking PBR.
No, this isn't.
That doesn't even look like Wisconsin.
I don't speak Japanese.
I didn't think you did either until I saw this.
Well, now, since I'm telling you that that's not me, then we're going back to you know that I don't speak Japanese.
And then finally, you know, our subscribers are getting bank shows while you're out there fighting chicks.
I don't remember ever fighting a chick.
That doesn't look to me like a chick either.
Why are your hands in your pockets?
I haven't had that sort of haircut in years.
What is this thing?
And that doesn't mean it's years old either.
Why are you fighting her in water first?
And then you get out of the water?
This doesn't even look like it's been.
This isn't on Earth.
It's on the planet Zartan.
This looks like it's from Zartan, judging by the geography.
Yeah, sorry.
Even when they're muscular, they're not as strong as us.
This is some real Zartanian shit.
Look at the chicks.
We're still learning on a daily basis that women aren't as strong as men.
Yes, even when they're ripped.
Even if you're on Zarloop with three times gravity.
By the way, speaking of combat, remember the punch I invented?
I'm an overhand right.
I'm probably the worst fighter in my gym.
And people joke about it.
That doesn't mean I can't come up with some moves.
I'm not retarded.
So I invented a punch.
The two guys that are my age at the gym are Big John, who you met last night, and this other firefighter, Lance.
And they're like this much taller than me.
So my only, I can't, I never, I never really get body shots.
They're easy to block.
I've never had anyone go, oh, that got me.
But the head I can get.
But with tall guys, you're just constantly like, eh, eh.
So I invented a thing where you go low, bonk, bonk, and then without looking up, sometimes you get hit in the top of the head, which fucking sucks.
It really reboots your hard drive.
But you go bonk, bonk, and then without looking up, bonk.
And if you want to, if you want to hit, the overhand right becomes, or the overhand left becomes whatever you start with.
So if you start with the left, it'll be the left.
Bonk, bonk, bonk.
Or the other one, the other side, of course, is bonk, bonk, bonk.
And dude, I've warned John.
I'm like, it's coming.
Where's your cat sweater?
Did you forget?
No.
You didn't forget.
No.
I just needed to get on cam quick.
Hmm.
So, and when I tell, obviously when you're as shit of a boxer as me, when you tell people who are obviously going to be better than you if you're the worst, right?
You're always looking up.
When you tell people, I have this move, they go, yeah, that's nice.
It's like when you talk about the Mets with other baseball fans, they're like, the Mets, yeah.
And then the Yankees and the Red Sox fans have a conversation.
You're like, yeah, good pitching this year.
We're going to get a better closer soon.
And they're just like, can you go get me a beer or something, bitch?
So no one listens to this move.
But I keep seeing it.
And so I've been vindicated.
Check out 2-6.
This guy is doing exactly what I just described.
Duel for tall opponent, overhand right.
Bink.
And sometimes when a weapon is working, we'll deploy it ruthlessly.
Boop, and relentlessly, bink.
Now he's not doing the keep your head down as much.
The body gets us in behind enemy lines, knuckles to chin, boop.
When the void is expanded again, we should...
And you know what it does?
Tall guys just assume they're going to win.
So when they get rocked, they're surprised.
When you told me overhand right before my fight with Stevie Lou, it landed twice in a row.
You had to land the same punch twice in a row.
Well, they're used to you telegraphing, like, here it comes.
And they're just like, fuck off.
Like, they've had an hour to watch.
It's almost like an asteroid about to hit the earth.
You have all this warning.
But when they're like, what is he doing down there with my belly?
Bonk!
And now here's Canelo doing that.
I think I have the overhand rights.
That was one, and here's another one.
Boom.
Here's a different angle.
Oh, I didn't even see it.
Orgo sticks, by the way, everybody.
And then here's the second one.
And look, note how you're not even looking.
No, no, you don't have to.
Trainers will tell you that's stupid.
They go, always have your eyes on your opponent.
No.
The eyes give it away.
The eyes have it.
The eyes have it.
So check out Canelo 2.7.
He's basically teaching someone the whole idea of not looking where you're going.
Don't look where you're going.
Don't look.
Just feel it.
I hate that he doesn't speak English.
It's weird that he's Mexican.
And I remember trying to Google it.
I was like, why is he like that?
And nobody was, there was no results at the time.
Now it's starting to be a thing.
No, there was some Irish-Spanish war like a hundred something years ago.
I can't remember when.
And he must be a holdover from that.
But when he's around like brown Mexicans, are they like, yeah, you're Mexican, sure.
Like, it's weird.
Well, I think that's why he doesn't speak English.
I mean, his name is Cinnamon.
That's what Canelo means.
But did you see that?
It's very quick.
Oh, that's him with Ryan Garcia.
Yeah.
Ryan Garcia landed a hook on him when they were kind of fake sparring.
I think our guy, Harley Heavyhands Burke, might have a big fight in Madison Square Garden.
More to come.
All right, that's enough time for the next read, which is, of course, Wild, Wild West Development.
Wild, Wild West Web Development.
I guess they know that it's my pet peeve, Wild, Wild West, so they're torturing me.
Wild Wild West web development was founded by Christopher Barber in the year of our Lord, 2023, which is just about to end.
Chris is Wild Wild West's lead developer and is the fastest...
Yep.
Put the website behind me.
Chris is Wild Wild West's lead developer and is the fastest and most accurate web developer in the West.
He has trained in web development for over 20 years.
Chris has been awarded a bachelor's degree in computer science from the University of Calgary, as well as a certificate of web development from Southern Alberta Institute of Technology.
Chris has made and edited websites and web applications which have earned millions of views and thousands of happy clients.
Wild Wild West Web Development creates, edits, improves, and repairs websites and web applications primarily for personal and small businesses.
Wild Wild West Web Development is a straight shooter.
Its aim is to make you look good and increase your client base.
Everyone needs a beautiful website to promote themselves and their business.
Why not hire a MAGA baby monster who hits the bullseye every shot?
So go to wildwildwestwebdevelopment.com for any of your website needs.
Send Chris an email and he'll get you a great rate.
Speaking of great rates, I don't know if you mentioned this while I was opening our presence.
Sean at censored.tv, S-E-A-N, not S-H-A-W-N, but S-E-A-N can handle all your ad needs.
He's our ad guy.
He's unlike our previous ad guy who was so bad, we suspected he was an Antifa that was here to sabotage the company.
But Sean is good.
S-E-A-N at censored.tv.
And maybe to sponsor the fight.
Let's talk about that.
That's St. Patty's Day, I think.
I'm going to use this Wild, Wild West site design.
I have a domain, and we're coming out with that mixtape, and I want to sell a shirt.
The mixtape's free, but I want to sell a shirt.
And I don't know how to do it.
Why don't you just sell it through our shirts?
Do you want my shirt on anything?
It'll be easy to keep it separate, I think.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
That's gay.
Well, it would be too cool for the site, I think.
Yeah.
That's what you meant.
What is this shirt?
Can we see it?
It's just my logo.
I think I have it.
What's your nope?
Yep?
Yep.
Yep.
I paid a guy to make it look like a metal shirt, like a metal logo.
So it's just your brand?
Like, if people like Ryan the guy?
No, this is for the music that I'm about to release.
Two brand new tracks that nobody's ever heard before.
And a bunch of my other buddies.
We each have two tracks that we're putting on the album.
Mike Lasseter, Proud Boy from St. Louis.
Remember him?
There's no way you don't remember him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you make my background like snowy?
I could look into a church.
Yeah.
Just like falling snow in a forest.
Something more Christmassy than our old set in washed out magenta.
You love that washed-out aesthetic, don't you?
I tried to make that as vivid as possible.
Vivid?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, contrasty.
See, that's washed out, I would say.
This, I would say, is more intense.
Okay, then what does that say?
Well, it's got a range.
There's parts of it that I've got.
Anyway, can we not argue about everything?
It looks like shit.
I'm looking into a snowy background.
While you do that, I thought this was interesting.
Owen Benjamin and I have both been completely purged from the internet.
They took down all the GOML clips off of YouTube.
But even before that, I've got like a billion hours of Sophie Can Walk and how to drink in a bar, how to piss in public, of course.
Like probably about 50 viral sketches that are all gone.
So when they say this person is a white supremacist, I can't back it up with saying, no, actually, there's a lot of funny stuff there, too.
And it's stupid even the fact that they do that because then people see a funny sketch and they go, huh, I guess I like white supremacy.
Thanks for the tip.
And Owen Benjamin provided a great example of this when he said, it's so convenient when my YouTube channel got deleted and all these comics got some great new jokes.
And what is the girl's response to, do you like that?
It's like, deeper.
You're like, sweet.
Like that?
Like that?
Is that deeper?
Deeper.
Like if I make this face.
Like, ladies, you think we're holding up?
Like, stop and think what deeper means.
Deeper means you think there's a chance we have more.
Deeper means.
Remember one time, just stop for a second.
One time I was fucking this girl in her ass with her like knees next to her ears, just plunging, plunging, and she was like, harder, harder.
And I'm like, would you like me to put my arm in there?
You're supposed to be crying.
You're supposed to say help, help.
Just for ourselves.
It's like deeper.
It's like, no, baby, the last inch is just for me.
Ladies, how would you feel if we said tighter?
Look at everyone's reaction.
It's mind-blowingly offensive.
It's fucking mind-blowingly offensive.
Tighter, baby.
Tighter.
No, I try a different angle.
I deserve more.
No, that would not end well.
Deeper.
Deeper.
It don't go deeper.
It's the end of the dick.
There's no more dick after the end of the dick.
Okay?
This isn't the queen.
The end of the dick is just body.
That's where the body starts.
I could tuck some stomach in there if you want.
I don't know.
We go, oh, deeper.
Let me crank out some more dick.
I was keep an extra foot of dick on me, you know.
But you thought this is a beer belly to penis pounce, man.
That's where I keep my dick.
Gotta store it somewhere, you know?
All this fucking extra dick I got flopping around, I need a storage unit.
That's rude to say, isn't it?
We would never say that to you.
Titer!
Anyone who's holding out any hope for coincidence just blasts all hope.
vacuum seal it!
What do you think, Ryan?
I mean, yeah, like you said, it could have been parallel thinking until the tighter part.
Yeah.
I think it's pretty...
It's not a common...
Is that a common thing that you would stumble upon, that thought?
It doesn't seem like it.
Yeah, I could see both.
Well, also, like, saying deeper like that, I could see two people stumbling upon deeper, deeper.
But then also saying it's mind-blowingly offensive.
Well, like, who are we kidding?
Of course he ripped it off.
I don't think I like Andrew Schultz.
I don't think he's my cup of tea.
I don't really like anybody who fakes talking black.
Oh, yeah, when he's around black people, he blacks it up.
It just bothers me.
I remember he said he overheard someone was showing, want to show Dave Chappelle his comedy, and I guess sometimes he uses like a PowerPoint and shows pictures and stuff.
And Dave Chappelle said to the guy, I don't do that.
I do stand-up comedy.
That's not stand-up comedy.
And Andrew Schultz found out about it, and he said, yeah, I get that.
That's like when someone feels threatened and they don't want to acknowledge that other people are out there.
No, I don't think that's what's going.
That's the first time I went, you're rubbing me the wrong way.
Honestly, I did not care for his comedy.
I know that.
Oh, this is another example.
I liked this.
You didn't like this?
Well, you suck.
So that's another reason to hate him.
I thought this was sweet.
First started comedy.
My dream was to one day headline Madison Square Garden, and I would tell people that, and they would all headline to Madison Square Garden.
He's about to.
That's it.
Or they would like, they'd kind of laugh at the notion of it.
The fuck is his dad wearing?
How does the dad not know?
His dad looks like meatloaf, by the way, but how does it like exactly?
You brought me into this thing and now I'm looking at a button undone with the fucking beret.
Fuck off.
But how does the dad not know where this is going?
He's like, obviously you're going to tell me you're going to play the garden.
I told you that that was my dad's dream.
I said, one day I want to headline Massachusetts Square Garden and I remember you stopped what you were doing and you looked me in the eyes and you said, I'll see you there.
And it was like really important to me because I felt like I wasn't the only person that believed it could happen.
Wow.
And I know as you know, it was a great intro to a comedy show to remember, but I remember everything.
I remember all the time you put into me and all the effort that you made.
You always believed in me and supported me and this made all the difference.
Absolutely.
And I'll love you till the end of time.
I think, Ryan, you like this because you don't have a dad.
Let me just tell you, as someone with a dad, this is fucking gay.
Okay.
You know what I like?
Like, if you're going to do this, if I, well, I'm obviously never going to headline Madison Square Garden.
So the guy's very successful.
The point is moot.
But if I was to do something like that, if anyone is to do something like that, you got to be aware.
Have some self-awareness and realize how corny this looks.
So like maybe crack a joke or something or be like, we did it, dad.
Oh my God.
If we were still on tour, you should bring your dad and replicate this video.
And it's like the Vulcan in Austin, Texas.
Remember?
Remember, Dad, when you said I'd never do a show in front of 100 people?
Damn.
Well, here we are on some offshoot in Vegas.
Here we are on casinos.
VFW in McHenry, Illinois.
Remember you said I'd never play the VFW at one in the morning after two other shows got canceled?
Well, here we are.
And I'm blackout drunk, so I won't be remembering any of this.
We paid them two grand.
And you see the little crippled guy there that's doing the set after me?
He'll be dead in about two months.
You wouldn't be very shocked by that, sadly.
I mean, Donovan does not have an easy life.
But he made the most of it.
What I liked about this Andrew Schultz thing is because I hate the black thing shit because he's full of shit and it's a put-on.
But this is at least honest.
Put-on?
This is at least honest.
So I like that.
Okay.
It's honest for me to sit there and talk about my kidney stones or it's honest for some.
Can you get this background fixed, please?
Yeah.
It's honest for someone to talk about how scared they were when their son had to go into surgery because he had an infection.
Okay.
Honest schmanist.
Thanks, Mother.
Like, let's go hear someone talk about their divorce for an hour.
You know, it'd be cool if he did the black scent while walking.
Yo, dad, remember I told you I'll be fucking around with this Madison Square shit?
Like, that's a sentimental moment.
It doesn't need to be on film.
You don't need everything on film.
And who the fuck are you, bro?
Like, if this is Prince or someone, and we're looking back over a career, if this is your first time at Madison Square Gardens, so you just started, basically, like your peak, and you're there with your dad to look back over all the times you guys have had together.
What a wild ride it's been, dad.
The shitty part is the dad didn't even really care.
He didn't really.
He was like, wow, what the fuck?
That's crazy.
He hasn't seen his dad in 20 years, so his dad's just like, who the fuck are you again?
There, that's more.
That's Christmassy.
I'm wondering if we should tell everyone to fuck off.
Why not?
What do you think?
It's the Christmas spirit to do so.
It's been, what, 45 minutes?
41.
I'll tell you what.
We'll do one more ad read, and then we might cut you off and just go behind the paywall and start taking calls.
Or we might continue the freebie just a little bit.
I think if people know that we're going to leave them off at the ad read, it gives them the opportunity to just get a little bit more.
Are we getting calls?
Are there calls piled up?
We haven't set it up yet.
Put the number on the screen.
The number is 718-400-6959.
Look at this bag.
Or look on your screen.
JumpMedic is a great small business created by a paramedic with years of on-the-ground emergency experience.
JumpMedic's unique flat lay design is one of a kind and makes it so you can access all of your life-saving equipment with great ease.
Many people that have a first aid kit don't realize that they have out-of-date expired supplies, or it's hard to access in an emergency.
Even some of the most prepared people don't realize how severely lacking their first aid kit can be.
Wait a minute, let me work on that sentence.
Many people that have a first aid kit don't realize that they have out-of-date expired supplies, or it's hard to access in an emergency.
What the fuck kind of sentence is that?
Many people that have a first aid kit don't realize they have out-of-date expired supplies, or they have supplies that are hard to access in an emergency.
Sean, please pay attention.
Even some of the most prepared people don't realize how severely lacking their first aid kit can be.
So to that, I say, take a look at jumpmedic.com.
They have the finest first aid kits that money can buy.
You can even customize your first aid kit to fit your needs by utilizing jumpmedic's build-a-bag feature.
Just go to jumpmedic.com slash bag build and select what you want from their convenient drop-down menu.
You can get one or more of their awesome Pro or Go bags.
Those are the smaller ones.
Or you can skip the bags altogether and just stock up on first aid supplies to your heart's content.
They have everything you would need in a first aid kit.
This great small business has a ton of new updates to existing products as well as new products on the way.
I'd recommend getting the JumpMedic Pro if you need to get a gift for someone in your family.
It's a great and innovative product and people absolutely love it.
Knowing that this first aid kit is in your home, car, RV, tent, or glory hole provides a gigantic peace of mind.
Take a look at the reviews.
It's the perfect first aid kit.
If you don't have a first aid kit, or even if you do, check out jumpmedic.com.
Free shipping in the USA.
Enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off.
That code works for everything except the sale items.
And if you don't want to get the huge kit, I think it's always smart to have, especially in the winter months, to have a go bag in your trunk, some basics.
You never think you're going to need it till you need it.
And how much would you regret it if something happens to someone in your car, you have some sort of an accident, and you go, if I had...
I gotta turn the kitten bandais and shit.
Okay?
And you'd regret it.
You'll regret it if you don't get it.
I have one in my car.
Here's something I wanted to get to.
Pierce Brosnan's wife.
Now, this has been going around.
I've seen it in a lot of memes.
And it has a picture of her like 40 years ago.
And then it has a picture of her now.
And she's 60.
She's a fucking smokeshow.
Yes, she put on some weight.
You have kids, you get old.
I don't think the people criticizing her realize how old 60 is.
I won't be 60 for seven years.
And I'm old as shit.
I look terrible.
And women age much worse than men.
So go look at your 60-year-old mom, bro.
She looks fantastic.
And then the other pictures I've seen where they show her whole body and you're like, oh no, poor Pierce.
He signed up for B-Cups and now he's stuck with these gigantic D-cups.
That's a different chick, I think.
Like that.
Everyone's showing that and they go, cheers to Pierce Brosnan for holding on and not dumping her.
What?
What?
Do you know how badly I'd love to fuck that fat pig?
That is her.
Is it?
Yeah.
Okay.
So she looked great back then and she looks great now.
I think young people don't have a concept of age.
Like, I'm old.
People I hang out with are in their mid-50s.
If one of our friends said, hey, have you never met my wife?
And he brought her by, not her, but the other one, we'd be like, did you see fucking Pierce's wife?
Did you see John?
I'll say John's wife.
Okay, there she is.
No makeup all washed out, right?
Her hair is all wet and matted.
That's supposed to be gross.
Are you retarded?
This is porn brain.
This is absolutely pornified brain.
Yeah, I guess so, right?
She's not like Jenna James.
She doesn't look as pretty as she did when she was 22.
I find women when they're 60 look a lot older than when they're 22.
We've been through this a million times.
Like we keep seeing it.
Women who have aged badly.
Even the chick, even the chick who's in like Top Gun, I think she's got some problem with bloating or something.
And it's like, okay, she's 65.
And you shot her on her way to get a coffee, like with her car keys in her hand after she just woke up.
And the other picture you're showing is at a photo shoot in 1983.
Sorry.
It's disgusting.
Like the thought behind it is like, dude, congrat.
What a good guy for not like leaving that ugly bitch.
It's like, what kind of shit did she have to put up with for him?
I sound like Bill Burr.
What kind of shit did she have to deal with with this fucking guy walking around like he's 007?
I hate to sound like a, I don't want to come across as a feminist.
I want to come across as a pervert.
You guys are not horny enough.
And here's the other thing, too, about getting older that you don't realize till you get older.
Your taste expands.
Like when I was 19, I go, oh my God, one of her nipples has a mole.
And then you get to be my age and you're like, at least she has two limbs.
Well, that's not very flattering to Pierce's wife, but it's kind of a disgusting part of our society.
You know what it is too?
It's like this perpetual infantilization of adult men where they're just like, she's not young.
Everyone has to be young and perfect, which is a normal thing for like an 18-year-old to say because he's young and perfect.
But when you see 30-year-olds talking like that, you realize you're still fucking 18.
Loser.
Grow the fuck up.
You know what happened at the gym the other day?
I said to my trainer, not Larry, but the weight guy, I go, what is with these fucking kids, these Puerto Ricans and blacks, who after they work out, they shower, they get dressed, and then they're there.
They're not talking.
They're not angry.
They're just pointing.
They're not talking.
They're just on their phones and they're just hanging around.
And he goes, well, some of them have nowhere to go.
I go, what do you mean?
They're homeless?
Yeah, kind of.
Like one of them, he says his name, a Puerto Rican kid, his stepmother doesn't want him around anymore.
And the dad agrees.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, that's like right out of Oliver Twist.
Poor little kid.
How old is he?
He's like 21 or something.
What?
That's not, you're not homeless.
And your parents didn't kick you out if you're 21.
You're an adult male.
And then he goes, well, his dad felt bad for him.
His dad's a super at a building.
So he has a room.
I mean, he doesn't have a shower or a bathroom, but it's just like a room in the building where he has a heavy bag and he can work out.
And then, you know, he showers elsewhere.
I'm like, how about he gets a fucking job?
And it's the Puerto Rican on Puerto Rican thing.
So, and my trainer's Puerto Rican.
He gives me this face like, you know what that face means?
Oh, Gab, it's so easy for you to say.
It means, stop being such a hard ass.
Come on, you understand.
Your kids should be with you till they're 26.
That's what his face was saying here in Puerto Rico.
Fuck that.
I don't know if my kids are ready for the imminent whiplash, but the second you're 18, boom, out the door.
Bye-bye.
You can go to college.
Bye-bye.
Or not.
I don't care.
College is so stupid now that I don't even think it's good for jobs.
So it's like, do you want to go to dance school or start work right away?
I don't care.
What's dance school?
All school is dance school now.
You do not come out ahead.
You might know the shimmy-shimmy and the hound dog and the boogaloo Harris.
You might know how to do the Dougie.
Okay.
No one cares.
No one wants that.
Sometimes you come out more annoying and employers don't want you.
I know at Vice.
I never hired one journalism degree dude because they're stupid and they're stuck in their ways and they're conformist and they're corny.
Oh, fuck.
All the journalism students, they go, okay, I'm writing for Vice.
All right.
Woke up two hours late, grabbed a cigarette.
And it's this like crime novel, Hunter Thompson shit.
Are calls piling up or should I start a new segment?
Start a new one.
So my girlfriend, Kara Kastranova, she's my girlfriend in my head, which is a sin.
I guess I'm coveting my neighbor's wife, right?
Yes.
But she's into boxing.
She's a New Yorker.
I mean, the second my wife dies in a plane crash, I'm going to be like, this sucks, but after a period of mourning, I know what my next step will be.
So she did a cool thing right around the office here.
She interviewed people in our neighborhood and asked them if they would vote for Trump.
Did you know before we play this?
Look at her.
Perfection.
Did you know that more than 50% of African-American males are pro-Trump now?
Wow.
I can't wrap my head around it.
That you can't rap either.
I think he got like 2% of the vote in Manhattan.
Obama got 99% of the black vote.
I know those two aren't necessarily correlated, but it doesn't compute.
I guess that's how shitty Biden is.
Election strategy is cutting into traditional Democrat strongholds.
Shortly after News Max found surprising support for the former president in the Bronx, we found out that he was considering doing a rally here.
We've joined the New York City young Republican president, Gavin Wax, just listen, Kara.
Make up.
Did he say listen, Kara?
Yeah.
Gavin Wax, he was at my Metropolitan Talk.
He was beating up Antifa.
He caught those guys that jumped out reporter.
This guy is on fire.
I'm doing a green screen about real men.
I think he may have made the cuts.
He's having dinner with Trump the other night.
He's sort of leading the New York charge for Trump.
And I knew the second I saw him, I went, that guy's going places.
That guy's got it.
I don't know what it is, but he's got it.
And that's not just a cool first name.
America Great Again.
It includes the South Bronx, believe it or not.
It's for all Americans.
I think this is why it's great that President Trump wants to visit the South Bronx for some sort of rally.
It shows that he cares.
President Trump and I have been speaking recently about his prospects in New York, New York City.
There was a poll that came out that showed him within the single digits.
So we talked a bit about that.
I mentioned the interviews you did on the street in the South Bronx, where there was a lot of support for President Trump.
People were very excited about him.
It was something that people hadn't really seen before.
Funny coincidence, there's a lot of support in the South Bronx.
And yet again, like Trump said early on the show, are you behind it?
Let's watch that.
That's me.
I think you really were responsible for a large convincing of a large amount of people that Trump isn't just a joke and he's a real candidate.
Oh, yeah.
That's literally how I felt.
I remember feeling that way.
I was like, there's no fucking way.
I didn't even like him as a president.
I was like, that guy, I like him as the apprentice guy, but he's a total joke.
You know what Gavin did?
Gavin Wax, not me.
He harvested the red-pilled community, young community in New York.
And those people, like New York, the thing about New York is, yes, it's highly liberal and it's got a lot of crime and douchebags and everything.
But it does have a culture of rebellion that's hard to articulate.
And during COVID, there was a lot of Manhattanites especially that were like, no, no on the vaccine.
Because they live in an area full of conflict and it doesn't help you to acquiesce if you live in New York City.
So you tend to be a bit of a stalwart.
You tend to think outside the box, I guess is the best way to say it.
And those Red Scare chicks is a good example of that.
You know what I mean?
Lucian Wintrich, those kind of people.
But they're sort of like alone.
That's why the Proud Boys blew up in Manhattan because all those people could, all the men at least, could get together and talk about Trump and recognize that they don't Feel like they belong in liberal circles.
And Gavin Wax did that on a larger scale because he included broads.
Okay, go ahead.
Broads.
It was something new, it was something novel.
Free my son, Trump.
Free my son, Trump.
He went and watched it after our gala.
He shared an article.
Trump is her son?
Yeah.
Whoa.
Dude, I'm telling you, Hispanics, they use lots of creams and a lot of the grease in burritos.
It preserves their skin.
That's crazy.
She's 97 years old.
Mamasita.
Sing on your interviews, and I think it got him very excited.
You know, he kind of said, you know, well, let's do a rally in the South Bronx.
I said, sure, let's do it.
If President Trump came here to the South Bronx, would you attend the rally?
Of course.
I would want to meet Trump.
I want to shake his hand.
He's the only president that I see that can ever make America great again.
He's capable of.
He's the only president who doesn't use voodoo.
I would love to go to a rally with Donald Trump come because I'm a big Donald Trump supporter.
Who's Donald Trump?
And I will support him 100%.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
We're going to show him love.
We're going to show him a lot of love.
That's the most Puerto Rican man.
Do you recognize that building behind him?
Let me see.
That's near the Empanada place.
Oh, the blue thing?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
They are in.
We could look out the window at these guys.
They're out there right now.
You know, like they do in other states.
We definitely need to see Trump here.
There's nothing but love for Donald Trump here in the South Bronx, the North Bronx, the East Bronx, and the West Bronx.
We want Trump to come back, please, bro.
Biden, get out of here, bro.
I will come to the rally and support Trump because the Bronx need a change, and we need somebody that's really going to help this community.
You know what?
We're going to give teeth to everybody.
Three teeth.
Fuck cell phones.
You know, Antifa loves to come to the Upper West Side and the Upper East Side because they're fighting old ladies.
But I don't really see them swarming the South Bronx.
No.
I don't see them taking the train.
Definitely come to a Trump rally in the South Bronx.
I like them.
You do?
Yes.
Yes, I will come to a rally if President Trump was to come to the Bronx.
And I also would bring other people to come to and support him.
Would Joe Biden get a warm reception if he came to the Bronx?
No, he wouldn't have.
And I'll make sure of that.
Wait, no, he wouldn't?
I'll make sure that I'll beat that motherfucker up.
That's in the South Bronx, New York.
I'm Kara Castranova.
What do you think?
I think she's pretty, but not my type.
That's all our boys.
Gavin Wax, Newsmax, Kara.
Speaking of our boys, there's this weird, I believe the bigoted Brits would call them packies.
But East Indians, they don't really, it's not cool to be East Indian.
Maybe there's too many of them.
People think of a poo.
So he puts a kafaya on, and now he's Mr. Palestine.
And now it's more ethnically ambiguous.
And my brother is in the struggle.
And he really promotes anti-Semitism.
Even though, but this guy, this guy's Bengali or something.
Jews are not part of your world, bro.
That's not a thing.
You're in fucking India.
So he comes here, and now he's Mr. Middle Eastern, and now he's Mr. Palestinian.
So Elad is walking down the street and this fucking lunatic, what's his name?
Alvin Dan, which is definitely not his real name.
It's probably like Alvi Danteby.
Chaputi.
Hey, buddy, what are you doing, Elad?
You done talking shit now?
No, absolutely not.
You've done nothing happened to the lawsuit, buddy.
Why are you hiding your face?
Why are you so scared?
What are you scared of?
Don't touch me.
Don't fucking touch me.
He's got a muzlet.
You're done following me?
You done fucking putting your hands on me?
Don't fucking come close to me.
Don't fucking throw your coffee at me.
No, you put your fucking heart in close to me, right?
I have no kids.
As an 80s kid, I'm just like, can you just fight, please?
It's like too much foreplay.
And it's scary too because...
You're going to come in your pants if you guys don't fuck soon.
The longer you keep this I hate you confrontation energy and not fight, then you don't see anything coming when it does come.
Or you would be less aware of when it does come.
Because sucker punches can start coming out.
Just get it over with.
He's a pussy, Elad.
He doesn't have a knife.
Yeah, push him like far away.
This isn't like a rat Kang from the projects who's going to have no qualms about stabbing you in the neck.
It'll be a good old-fashioned brawl.
I'll do exactly what I need to do.
Hey, good.
Stop fucking following me.
These two have a long history, too.
Another reason to kick his ass.
It's not like a random stranger.
Stop fucking following me.
Fight.
Fight.
He does not put the pal in Palestine.
I'll tell you that much.
Stop fucking following me.
Stop fucking following me.
Keep your hand to yourself.
You keep your fucking hand to yourself.
I swear to God.
Do you want to fight?
I swear to God.
I wouldn't have the phone out.
Fuck up.
Well, you got him on tape, so put the phone away now.
Fuck up.
Stop fucking following me.
Can grab him.
Jews need to be a little more aggressive.
Well, this is what's so interesting with the Israeli-Palestine conflict.
Palestinians are low IQ, high T. And when I say high T, I mean not just high T, like inbred savages who married their first cousin.
So maniacal T, retard strength.
And then Jews right next door.
These particular Jews.
Exact opposite.
Super high IQ.
Super low T. And that's what's great about terrorism, too.
You throw one rocket in, and the Israelis are like, what are we going to do?
Throw it over.
Like, for example, the Palestinians who come across every day to work, yes, that happens, they would get sniffed by dogs.
And they're like, don't like it.
Don't like the dog.
No, no, no, dog.
And instead of the Israelis going, fuck you.
They go, oh, he doesn't like dogs.
What are we going to get?
And they're coming through, and they don't like the dogs.
So they invent a fan system where a tube goes next to the guy.
That air goes up around a wave.
from so you don't see the dog then it goes around the corner and then the dog is there whoa like dude stop kowtowing and so this might be the same thing yeah low the uh what's his name alvin dan appears to be low iq high t and i know elad is high iq i'm not familiar with his tea but i'm not liking it right now he's an ass slapper he slapped my ass oh really hello yeah in the DC thing.
He was like, hey, you doing?
I was like, oh.
And that was after I got the dildo slapped on my butt, so it hurt.
Did you come?
Maybe.
Secrets.
Follow me.
Yeah, that keeps going.
There's no money shot there.
But 2-4.
This is the history.
So E-Lad walked into a hipster bar, and Alvin Dan, same guy, said, get the fuck out of here, Jew.
I don't know if that's not verbatim, but that was basically the sentiment.
He said, I know who you are.
You're Elad.
Why type all that out when you could just use the word journalist?
I don't think you understand.
Pun moratorium, please.
Pun pause.
Ladies and gentlemen, harasses patients trying to get reproductive health care at Planned Parenthoods.
Oh, that's Elad, by the way.
No, why are you walking away?
That's Elad.
I cannot believe that.
I cannot believe it.
You have the balls to have a finger social life.
You have the balls to have a social life.
That sounds ironic.
That sounds like something Elad wouldn't have to do.
Yeah, yeah.
That's his.
Oh, God forbid.
We should have the balls to have a social life.
Yeah.
You just threw an interception.
Do not ever step in this neighborhood.
Ever.
Neighborhood?
What?
You're fucking mine.
Now you just can't leave?
Yeah, man.
Yeah, I hope everyone.
He should just come back with a strong magnet.
Look what he's done.
He's totally hidden his East Indian-ness and turned himself into every race that is oppressed.
To expose their local fascist at their job this week.
That's what I, you know, if you can't get a raise, if you can't get a better job, the least I can ask for y'all is to confront your fascists.
Confront your local fascists.
Yeah, Elad's a fascist.
You just said he shouldn't have a social life and isn't allowed in this community at all, this neighborhood at all.
That's fascism.
And Elad just asks people questions.
That's all he's ever done.
Darkbag that he is.
And that's fascism.
Any potential first state that he might have.
I mean, it's crazy.
Like the unsuspected look on her face, but she had no idea.
And she was about to go home with a fucking proud Zionist who loves to show up at abortion clinic defenses to harass protesters.
Harass.
You know, ask them questions.
Look at his one thing overall pearl necklace.
But yes, Elad's heard.
We've got a couple calls.
There's one more there.
Just so you can really see who he is.
Alvin Dunn.
Is he Orthodox?
No, he's saying that, you know, we should respect the Palestinian babies because it's the Christian thing to do and they're all the same.
Look at his face.
See?
Old liberation.
You either buy something or leave.
It's not a library, buddy.
Black liberation.
Free the Congo.
See, he's sort of muddying the waters of his ethnicity.
Maybe I'm Congolese.
This all stemmed from when Elad got a Slurpee and then refilled it without paying for the supersize.
Okay, let's take one call and then we'll get behind the paywall.
Yes, bastard buddies.
You fuck you bloody.
Book you fucking fucking buddy.
You fucking fuck you bloody fucking donkey.
Okay, I'm a donkey.
That's not an insult here.
905.
Eddie Murphy's a donkey.
Hey, Shreg.
That's it.
Ready to connect.
I thought it was a good idea.
Click connect to show now.
You are connected as the host.
Good.
That's awesome.
Welcome, host.
You are now in the host room and can manage your callers behind Colleen's studio, please.
I did that before.
It must have booted me off.
905.
Fucking tits!
Fucking tips.
I'm going to come.
I'm going to come.
I got some drinking and driving tip I want to share with you guys.
Okay.
So when I'm drinking and driving, I either drink a tall can of Pops or a bottle of Pops.
And what I do is in my center console, I keep two bottles that look like what I'm drinking, but aren't.
So for the tall can, I'll carry like a tall can of Pepsi.
And for the beer bottle, I'll carry like a cola that looks like a beer.
That way, if anyone pulls me over and they say, hey, I think I saw you drinking a beer.
What was that?
I can pull up my Pepsi or my soda and be like, it was just this, officer.
It's just this, officer.
And it covers your breast.
What do you emo Phillips when you get pulled over?
I don't know why you pulled me over, officer.
So when you said drunk driving, I thought you meant getting in the car after drinking, but you mean like cruising down the road with beers.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, I don't, I don't, I'm against drunk driving, but I like drinking and driving.
Right, yeah.
Well, that's.
If you're a beers on a road trip, that's nothing.
But yeah, no, don't drink when you're, don't drive when you're drunk, but just to cover your ass.
That's a great tip.
But you stop taking calls on the Thursdays.
Yeah, no, I appreciate it.
Thanks for calling.
Merry Christmas.
No, thank you for calling.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, too late.
I got you.
You've been thanked, fuck face.
John was saying his tips for drunk driving are if you get into a crash, I'm not advocating for this, but you say you're disoriented and you just run away and you somehow get home.
And then when the cops come and they breathalyze you, you say, oh no, I hadn't been drinking.
When I got home, I had a drink because my nerves were shattered.
Because I don't know.
I think I hit my head and I kind of blacked out and I didn't know where I was.
I was totally disoriented and scared.
I don't know.
I got this psychosis where I thought someone was trying to kill me or something.
It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life.
I must have like rattled my brain somehow.
And just make it all about the brain thing, not the drink thing.
Yeah.
But I smell booze on your breath.
Yeah, I know.
I just had a fireball because I was freaked out.
I'm trying to calm my nerves.
Has that ever happened to you?
and if they pull you over and they ask you, have you been drinking, just say, never say like, I had one or two.
You can't give them.
I think the best advice we ever got from John was, give your lawyer stuff to work with.
Like, no, I haven't been drinking.
I don't feel that's, because saying you've had one drink is giving their lawyer something to work with.
And you say things like, I don't feel well.
You're making me stressed out.
I'm disoriented.
I don't know where I am.
I'm pregnant and I'm about to miss Carrie.
Yeah.
And you take your pants off and piss yourself.
Yeah, that helps.
Be sure to piss yourself.
All right.
2-0-2.
Oh, no.
Hold on the line, please.
Hold on the line.
So this is how we usually end the show.
Boop, boop, bop.
I say what I'm about to say, and then we go behind the, no, then we leave.
So we're going to go behind the paywall, hang out with our people now, catch up on some calls.
I've got some more news items to discuss, including Lord of the Flies and Crip Mac.
But yeah, censored.tv, it's $10 a month.
You can buy it as a present.
If you go to censored.tv right now, you'll see an ad at the top, if you scroll along the thing in my doodles, that describes the different packages you can get for Christmas.
Buy someone half a year, a year.
Can you do that?
Half a year would be sick.
I can't remember.
But you can buy different subscriptions for other people.
They can test it out.
I think we still have the one-month thing where you can do it free for a month and then cancel if you're not enjoying yourself.
But we have new content every day, no matter what, including Christmas Day.
And, you know, it's not just going through the news.
We do green screens.
We do Battle of the Bands.
We talk about 10 toughest dudes in history.
It's like our own little YouTube channel.
And of course, my show isn't the only show.
We've got Jim Goad and AIU, Atheism is Unstoppable, a million other shows.
Too many shows.
Josh the Cash.
Too many shows.
I always forget.
I'm always shocked at who I forget.
Elijah Schaefer.
Elijah Schaefer.
That's it.
Drew Hernandez.
Yeah, you can gift a month.
Go back.
You just said that would be awesome.
You gift one month for me.
No, gift six months.
That would be awesome.
Three months.
You get the whole year.
So far, you have a month, three months.
So I would consider that for Christmas.
You could have it, put it in a box, wrap the box, and then when they open the box, it's a piece of paper and it says one free month of sensor.tv.
We're about to get a big update, too, where I don't want to spoil too much, but you're going to be able to interact with us way more.
It's going to be very cool.
Okay, so until next year, I would like to say to you freeloaders the following.
Oh, I've got a great speech at the end of this episode.
I'm not letting you hear, though.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
What's a motherfucking defense?
His name was P. He still sells drugs and occasionally shoot shit.
Don't ho-ho-hoes, but he's staying some new game.
I feedback on Easter.
▲
Export Selection