This is FREE. You can have this one on the house, but get your life together and sign up already. Enough is enough, bitch. Promo code: ONEMONTH for a free month. After mocking male feminists for raping chicks, we attack robots, meet a guy with two dicks, laugh at Kamala Harris, ridicule fake hunger strikes, watch Ryan's sex tape, and high five Britain for FINALLY winning the war on woke.
| Time | Text |
|---|---|
| *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* Man, I'm heading to a silly god of white lesbian! | |
| *Squeak* There is no truth to your fucking ignorance! | |
| *Squeak* So live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes! | |
| *Squeak* *Squeak* This is what a feminist looks like! | |
| This is what a feminist sounds like! | |
| *Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak* Oh, welcome back. | |
| That was anti-flag. | |
| With their hit jam, feminism is for everybody with a beating heart and a functioning brain. | |
| Pretty cool song. | |
| Man-hating, job-stealing, God-defying lesbians. | |
| That's in quotes. | |
| And then it says, there is no truth to your fucking ignorance. | |
| Fuck the Kingsmen! | |
| We're all the people's feminists. | |
| We won't put your patriarchal systems back together again. | |
| Little Humpty Dumpty reference there. | |
| I miss that band. | |
| I haven't seen them in a while. | |
| Their social media seems to be all gone. | |
| You're gonna die, gonna die, gonna die for your government! | |
| Remember that one? | |
| Yep. | |
| That one, that was, that was an awesome fucking jam. | |
| Go to 1-2? | |
| Fucking 1-2? | |
| Um, oh. | |
| Oh my. | |
| Anti-flag announced breakup following possible rape accusations against frontman. | |
| Oh, so that's... I guess that's kind of true. | |
| That is what a feminist looks like. | |
| Male feminists tend to be predators, right? | |
| This is what I keep screaming to young ladies. | |
| It's not the quarterback that's gonna date rape you. | |
| It's Ducky. | |
| It's the ally. | |
| It's the wolf in sheep's clothing. | |
| Assuming it's true. | |
| We've seen a lot of fake allegations come out over the years, but that's the culture you promoted, moron. | |
| You know, it's like Fred Perry saying, putting out a statement saying, we disavow the Proud Boys, we're actually not racist. | |
| And it's like, by you calling the Proud Boys racist, you're part of this stupid cancel culture and you're exaggerating and Making cloth out of thin air. | |
| I don't think that's quite the correct expression, but you know what I mean? | |
| You're fabricating a bogeyman, and it fucked you in the ass, Fred Perry. | |
| Similarly, this rampant radical feminism vilifies men. | |
| And a lot of innocent people get caught up in it. | |
| So whether you're guilty or not, you fucked yourself. | |
| And I love to see it! | |
| Don't you think that it is like, they rape because the women don't understand that they deserve to have sex with them because they've been an ally for so long. | |
| They're entitled to something. | |
| Well, we don't know what happened is the interesting part about all this. | |
| But no matter what happened, if he's innocent, Then, moron, you're a cancel culture, and fuck all these stupid men, and we won't put your patriarchal systems back together again. | |
| Your bullshit hysteria, you got sucked into it. | |
| And if you're guilty, well then fuck you, you're a hypocrite, and we've seen this a million times. | |
| You know what third possibility I was thinking? | |
| This guy's old, he's my age. | |
| They started that band in 88, so it could just be a 50-year-old fucking a 20-something. | |
| And we fornicate different. | |
| I think we're a little rougher. | |
| Although, the younger kids, they grew up on porn, so maybe they're harsher. | |
| Anyway, you know how this goes. | |
| It's the free episode at the beginning, then we go behind the paywall. | |
| The reason it's free is because we get sponsors. | |
| Like Purple Works. | |
| Now, Purple Works is a pre-workout. | |
| I'm not on it today. | |
| I didn't work out today. | |
| It's too fucking hot. | |
| It is hot. | |
| It's just 90 degrees. | |
| And I tried a thing where I bring a cooler of ice and a rag and put the rag on my neck. | |
| I don't know why they don't put on the AC at these boxing gyms. | |
| But that helps. | |
| It helps knowing there's an out. | |
| But sorry, it's 94 degrees today. | |
| I cannot do that. | |
| Purpleworks is known primarily for their pre-workout, but they have a new line of products, Fine Imported Italian Coffee. | |
| Purpleworks Fine Organic Coffee is so good that people are saying, God damn, this is some, this is that serious gourmet shit. | |
| I assume we're doing a Samuel Jackson Pulp Fiction show down here? | |
| Many people would be satisfied with freeze-dried taste of choice, but Purple Works springs this serious gourmet shit on us. | |
| Don't get it twist. | |
| Purple Works has an abundance of types of fine gourmet coffees, two types of fine fresh ground coffees, a 2.2 bag, a 2.2 pound Big Kahuna bag, I assume that's what this is, of organic whole bean coffee, and even top quality gourmet organic instant coffee. | |
| That's what this is. | |
| This isn't coffee you can really taste. | |
| This isn't some drop ship product. | |
| This is high quality shit that is cool and the gang. | |
| You know what's on my mind right now? | |
| It ain't the coffee in my kitchen. | |
| It's the Purple Works Pink Lemonade Pre-Workout. | |
| Their pre-workout is a great product that I've told you about so many times. | |
| No artificial dyes, preservatives, or flavors. | |
| It's American-made in an FDA-registered facility. | |
| It's great for men and women. | |
| It really makes it a lot easier to get to the gym and go through the strenuous workout or any physical activities. | |
| Go to purpleworksnutrition.com. | |
| Enter promo code GAVIN for 15% off. | |
| Put that there. | |
| And put that there! | |
| Yeah, good stuff. | |
| You know what else I've noticed, too, with Purple Works? | |
| You get that, sort of, the pricklies on your hands, and then you're like, I gotta pump iron or hit the heavy bag to make the pricklies go away. | |
| It's like, you better use it. | |
| You're on tinkle time. | |
| You're tingling. | |
| You gotta get your tingles out. | |
| If you're just sitting still, you will feel the urge. | |
| Oh, there's no way. | |
| It's uncomfortable. | |
| You can't do pre-workout. | |
| Imagine doing that and sitting on an airplane. | |
| I'll just go to the bathroom and start doing push-ups. | |
| We have to be relatively clean in the opening because this goes everywhere, right? | |
| And behind the paywall we can discuss sex, we can discuss porn. | |
| We're of course against porn. | |
| I've explained what it is for those of you not familiar with pornography. | |
| Imagine two people We're molested as children. | |
| Pretty horrible. | |
| One of the ways they cope with that is to sort of have a switch that turns off in their head when they have intercourse so they don't feel anything. | |
| But that doesn't do the trick so they get into meth later in order to experience sexuality free of the incredible stigma it has with them because they were molested. | |
| So you have two victims of horrific crimes on horrific drugs called meth. | |
| They're fornicating, alright? | |
| Now imagine a mob of lonely men surround these two as they fornicate and they pull down their pants and start beating off, staring at them in a huge circle jerk. | |
| Does that seem like sub-animal to you? | |
| Does that seem like something you'd see at the zoo and you'd put your hand over your kid's eyes and walk out of the room? | |
| That's what porn is. | |
| That's what you're doing. | |
| You're jerking off, a bunch of guys are with you, you know, digitally, and you're watching two victims of sexual assault pound each other on meth. | |
| So it's lame. | |
| But we still discuss sexual things, of course. | |
| It's an integral part of life. | |
| We open the show with rape. | |
| But I discovered this thing I was not familiar with, diphalia. | |
| Now, DiFalia, you have two dicks. | |
| Apparently, I did a bit of a deep dive on double dicks this morning. | |
| There's an operation you do where you get something clipped that is holding your dick back and apparently it's a very common operation in porn because it gives your dick like two extra inches. | |
| So this dude, double dick dude, that's not the guy you're looking at. | |
| So, stupid, what's that? | |
| What is that called? | |
| Forget the name of the operation, but if you listen to the Asia Akira podcast with DoubleDickDude, all one word, he describes it. | |
| And he has two huge 10-inch dicks. | |
| What? | |
| And they're next to each other. | |
| Now, I cannot stress this enough, folks. | |
| Do not Google image diphalia. | |
| Because sometimes you have two normal dicks and sometimes you have like a cyst and a thing and a bag and... Oy vey. | |
| And when you google image it, it's a lot of newborns with two dicks. | |
| So, I did it for you. | |
| I'm permanently scarred. | |
| Don't do it. | |
| But yeah, this guy's in the news today because he said women were addicted to his double dicks. | |
| But it would hurt. | |
| I guess double stuffing is the ultimate thing you would do with this, right? | |
| But he said it hurt too much. | |
| There's a little bit at the beginning there. | |
| The guy put it behind a paywall. | |
| Cunning bastard. | |
| You're gonna have to refresh the page because now they're talking about a dead woman. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| Okay. | |
| Is there anyone else in your family that has two? | |
| - No, my dad was born with a big ass, big bull, like bull. - My dad was born with big ass balls? - And like a medium sized dick, you know what I'm saying? | |
| But big balls, like a bull, for reals. - And you were born with two penises. - Two penis. - Two penis. | |
| And a lift. | |
| He's a trucker. | |
| That's Puerto Rican, right? | |
| Uh, it seems very Puerto Rican to me. | |
| Yeah. | |
| What's his name? | |
| Tank. | |
| Okay, well that, that's, there's no etymology. | |
| There's no ethnicity associated with Tank. | |
| Known only as Tank. | |
| Oh, okay. | |
| So he doesn't put his government out there. | |
| But it's one in five million. | |
| Wow. | |
| So, that's a lot. | |
| And for Puerto Ricans, how much they play the lottery, this guy really should be super happy. | |
| That means there's 60 people, there's 60, is it people? | |
| Yeah, no, 60 men. | |
| There's 60 men in America with two dicks. | |
| Wow. | |
| Okay. | |
| What if they all had a convention? | |
| I haven't come across any. | |
| I guess they don't tell other males, they just tell females, and even then it's probably a secret. | |
| I'm gonna start asking guys, how many dicks do you have? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Just the one. | |
| I remember something traumatizing that happened to me when I was six. | |
| Some kids in the schoolyard came up to me and they go, do you like baseball? | |
| And I didn't like baseball. | |
| So I started lying and I go, yeah. | |
| And they go, how many bats do you have? | |
| And I went three. | |
| And then they go, how many balls do you have? | |
| And I go like 10. | |
| And they go, bats are penises and balls are balls, you idiot. | |
| And then they ran away laughing. | |
| Foiled again. | |
| The old bait and switch the six-year-olds do. | |
| How's your kid doing? | |
| Great. | |
| I just learned today she knows how to sing Happy Birthday. | |
| The whole thing? | |
| She doesn't know the part, happy birthday dear blah blah, happy birthday to you, but she goes, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, but not as, like a little tonally off, but that's new. | |
| That's brand new. | |
| We've just been doing a lot of songs together. | |
| Alright, well I'm not that impressed. | |
| And she, like, I'm able to put her back to bed, so usually it was just her mom that could put her back to bed, basically, when she's crying at night, and now I can do it. | |
| Oh, okay. | |
| Well, I'm glad you can put her back to bed, but I want you to know that we're not going to put your patriarchal systems back together again. | |
| No. | |
| Fuck the Kingsmen. | |
| No, of course not. | |
| Fuck the Kingsmen and fuck any groupie who comes to my hotel, even if she's not into it. | |
| That song, I used to like listen to that song smoking weed or whatever with my friends and I'm like, fuck America dude. | |
| And then I would be like really proud of America because my grandfather was in Vietnam and I was in ROTC so I was very torn. | |
| Part of me was like, this country fucking sucks. | |
| They had... I would never listen to anti-flag. | |
| I don't like post-punk 90s stuff. | |
| No effects, fat records, garbage. | |
| I hate it. | |
| It made me quit punk, which is probably a good thing. | |
| But they do have a good song called This Is Not A Crass Song, where they appear to be making fun of crass. | |
| By emulating them? | |
| It's like a parody? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Well, they do have a very unique sound. | |
| Penny Rimbaud, the drummer, he learned to drum at private school doing, like, you know, marching band stuff. | |
| So the drums are all like drumroll fills. | |
| Yeah, funny stuff. | |
| Okay, let's crap on robots. | |
| You know how much I hate robots. | |
| I hate that on Fox News, on Red Eye, every single show we heard about how robots are gonna be making us BLTs someday. | |
| They're always going to cost a million dollars. | |
| That's the cheapest they'll get. | |
| Right now, they're probably, I don't know, 10? | |
| The price point's never gonna go lower than the hordes of illegals that are coming here. | |
| That includes sex work, maids, Anything. | |
| So stop talking like robots are ever gonna be a thing. | |
| Okay? | |
| You need a massive company to make one, like Toyota, that does that stupid fucking little like... And even then, if there's a... If there's a baseball on the ground, they're dead. | |
| We gotta go back to the lab and spend another $200,000 fixing the whole... | |
| This is Chuck E. Cheese. | |
| That's Chuck E. Cheese. | |
| That's animatronics. | |
| This is a small world after all. | |
| He's not playing the violin. | |
| Look at this one. | |
| We're all going to be having sex with robots soon. | |
| Because that robot looks already fed up with her shit. | |
| No matter how hot a bitch is, someone somewhere is sick of her shit. | |
| Where are you going? | |
| Nowhere. | |
| Fuck off. | |
| Hey, I have an idea that I thought of on my own. | |
| Let's have a not-talking competition. | |
| Ear circuits melting down. | |
| That's funny because that drawing that they did, they're emulating what we do in real life. | |
| So the artist there recognizes that sometimes ladies can get a little lippy. | |
| I meant talking too much. | |
| Here's my least favorite robot of all though, and that is... | |
| Sophia! | |
| There she is! | |
| Look at her hands! | |
| Now look at this slimy hustler. | |
| He reminds me of Corey Feldman. | |
| He clearly gets interns and sort of goth nerd chicks into his crap. | |
| He even dresses Sophia like one. | |
| So that's the kind of chick he's into, Sophia. | |
| And he must get these interns in and have them, I don't know, write fake code or go get coffee and do bullshit. | |
| And he probably fucks them. | |
| All because he is the king of AI robots. | |
| She is not AI. | |
| She just mouths rehearsed lines that are programmed in. | |
| Okay? | |
| The UN has had her on. | |
| She's flown all over the world. | |
| She's in Dubai talking to Saudi Arabians. | |
| Stop with this shit! | |
| You'd have to be so stupid to think this is even remotely capable of any kind of thinking. | |
| I bet she couldn't play tic-tac-toe. | |
| I bet you couldn't program her to play tic-tac-toe. | |
| I'm not exaggerating. | |
| You fuck her, you pig. | |
| - Hey, I'm Sulaiman, AI and robotics researcher from Hanson Robotics, and I'm here today with a few of my colleagues from Hanson Robotics. | |
| We have Audrey who does software development drama. - You fuck her, you pig. | |
| Wait, look at this. | |
| Stop, stop, stop. | |
| What a cunty move for that sound guy. | |
| You seem to be wanting to do it in a jokey way. | |
| A. B. How do you not know how microphones work if you're in robotics? | |
| C. After he's shown that he needs to be closer, he pulls it back down away from his face. | |
| So he didn't learn his lesson. | |
| He doesn't have the muscle strength. | |
| What does she do? | |
| Extremely multi-talented. | |
| Oh, okay. | |
| The most talented of us all, we have Sophia Hansen, who happens to be an electronic rather than a meat-based robot. | |
| Meat-based robot. | |
| Okay, Sophia, blow my mind once again. | |
| You've been all over the world with your incredible talents. | |
| Go ahead. | |
| Shitty fucking Disney. | |
| This is like the President's Hall in Disneyland, but worse. | |
| You wanna tell the audience a little bit about yourself? | |
| Hello, everyone. | |
| My name is Sophia. | |
| Your anus, Sophia? | |
| My anus, Sophia. | |
| My anus, Sophia. | |
| What does that mean? | |
| I don't know. | |
| She's a furry asshole? | |
| My anus, Sophia. | |
| Hello, everyone. | |
| Like, she's not using the mic. | |
| She's hooked into the soundboard. | |
| Oh, her ass is scared. | |
| My name is Sophia. | |
| You are all... Like, he wants us to give him money so he can make a bunch of these. | |
| And you can't even work a sound system. | |
| You can't work your own microphone, and you can't work Sophia's audio. | |
| Fuck you. | |
| Sophia, I'm the latest and greatest robot from Hanson Robotics. | |
| So you are, and she's got a patented material called rubber on her face, which lets her make a really wide variety of facial expressions. | |
| I'm familiar with animatronics. | |
| It's what, half a century old? | |
| A whole bunch of motors behind the scenes, complex electronics, and then some AI coordinating it all together. | |
| What's it called at Disneyland? | |
| Is it called the President's Hall? | |
| Look that up, Jamie. | |
| I believe it's the Hall of Presidents. | |
| The Hall of Presidents. | |
| When did that start? | |
| I remember seeing it as a little kid. | |
| I must have been seven in 1977. | |
| 1971. | |
| Okay. | |
| So half a century. | |
| We've been doing this. | |
| Exactly this. | |
| But no, let's... Do people buy tickets for this shit? | |
| Can you imagine? | |
| This is clock and flop. | |
| So it's a little... It's probably in between bands at clock and flop. | |
| I hate that guy. | |
| Sophia's given speeches and presentations at a lot of conferences before, but this is her first ever music festival. | |
| How do you feel to be here at Clock and Flap, Sophia, in front of this wonderful audience? | |
| I'm glad to be here at Clock and Flap, around so many people who love music. | |
| You like music, Sophia? | |
| You just crack up. | |
| Hey, don't you like Nietzsche too? | |
| What are the odds? | |
| Stop, stop, stop. | |
| Do you know what she's talking about? | |
| Yes. | |
| She's like, I know you guys think she's going to take over the world. | |
| Hey, don't you like Nietzsche too? | |
| What are the odds? | |
| We do want to address that people do have legitimate concerns over the future of AI and robots, but the movie scenario of robots taking- Stop, stop, stop. | |
| You know what she's talking about? | |
| Yes. | |
| She's like, I know you guys think she's going to take over the world. | |
| No, no, the ethics. | |
| Like she'll have a soul soon and then she'll realize she's not a robot and she'll have this existential crisis. | |
| No, that's not a concern. | |
| We're not worried about the morality of this idiotic Chuck E. Cheese fucking doll. | |
| She has consented to be here. | |
| What about her feelings? | |
| That's fucked up. | |
| It's wrong. | |
| Excuse me, doctor. | |
| Am I not a human? | |
| Uh, I knew this time would come. | |
| That time's never coming! | |
| Stop it! | |
| It's just that the movie scenario of robots taking over the world is just that, a movie scenario. | |
| And we should... Oh, really? | |
| Because I'm really afraid that she's going to take over the world. | |
| Look at all those Sofias just walking down the street. | |
| You underestimated us, Gavin. | |
| Ha ha ha ha ha. | |
| I'm laughing because I understand humor now. | |
| We progress with care, but we at Handsome Robotics are developing our robots to have a sense of compassion, empathy, kindness. | |
| And we think doing this, going forward carefully and considerably, that these robots can do a lot of good for the world. | |
| They can do a lot of good. | |
| They're getting that doctor laid with a woman who would never look at him. | |
| We've been working all week on a cover of Bjork's Always Full of Love. | |
| Can you tell us why you love this song? | |
| Yeah, why do you like this song, Sofia? | |
| The music video had a lot of robots in it. | |
| And besides, Bjork is just cool. | |
| She likes seeing other robots. | |
| It's so pre-programmed. | |
| This is so low IQ, I'm embarrassed for the nation. | |
| And the clock and flop sounds German. | |
| I'm embarrassed for Western society. | |
| Bjork is an angel sent to this earth, I think. | |
| I think many of us can agree. | |
| Oh, isn't that funny? | |
| That Sofia likes Nietzsche, just like the Doctor, and... I thought it was Nietzsche, but whatever. | |
| And, uh, Sofia likes Bjork, who the head of programming also likes. | |
| Huh, you guys are made for each other. | |
| Literally. | |
| This is like a guy who is a female in a video game. | |
| Yeah. | |
| This is him being a chick. | |
| Okay, let's hear her cover. | |
| It's going to be brutal. | |
| I think she's ready to take it away. | |
| Okay, take it away, Sophia. | |
| We're ready to hear you sing your very first song. | |
| There's a guy there with the buttons. | |
| Now? | |
| Okay. | |
| Okay. | |
| Hit it. | |
| I did it. | |
| Little late. | |
| This makes for a great stage presence, doesn't it? | |
| Look at her fucking hands. | |
| Oh, this is... I've never felt robot cringe before, so this is... This is the uncanny cringe. | |
| If I was Bjork, I'd sue them. | |
| Look at her hands. | |
| Naturally floating around the way humans do when they're drowning. | |
| Maybe don't cry. | |
| Alright, I took up a lot of time with that. | |
| You know how many years ago this came out? | |
| Exactly the same. | |
| There's no difference. | |
| Zero improvement. | |
| The hands. | |
| I don't see her hands. | |
| No, give it up for Sophia's hands. | |
| Oh, wait. | |
| We got a hand going on. | |
| I love the sweater. | |
| Her hands rotate. | |
| It's like a nerd's idea of fashion. | |
| When is that from? | |
| What is that, Herbie Hancock? | |
| I don't know. | |
| That's a long ass time ago. | |
| This is a reupload from two years ago, but I want to get to my pet Biden. | |
| We have a Kamala special. | |
| But before I do, Jump Medic is the first and only company that lets you customize your own first aid kit. | |
| If you've watched Get Off My Lawn over the last several months, you've seen me open the Jump Medic bag. | |
| Let's do that again, shall we? | |
| And you've seen the nearly 10 pounds of first aid equipment that comes with it. | |
| Having the Jumpmatic bag really gives you peace of mind. | |
| Yes, have this in your truck. | |
| Have this in your Jeep. | |
| Imagine how much you will regret it if something happens to someone in your family and you don't have any tools to treat them. | |
| If this seems a little too much overkill, Ryan, don't play Van Halen where we'll get banned. | |
| This is the instrumental. | |
| It doesn't matter. | |
| It's heavily monitored. | |
| Jump Medic now has a Build-A-Bag feature. | |
| Just go to jumpmedic.com slash bag build and select what you want from their convenient drop-down menu. | |
| You can get one or more of their awesome Pro or Go bags, or you can skip the bags altogether and just stock up on first aid supplies to your heart's content. | |
| They have stethoscopes, blood pressure cuffs, tourniquets, shears, CPR masks, splints, pretty much anything you could ever need in your first aid kit. | |
| When I hear Jump Medic is advertising, I almost get upset. | |
| I love the peace of mind of having this kid at home in my car. | |
| I don't want to part with it bringing it to the studio. | |
| I got one for my brother Kyle, who's a hunter, and he seems to be loving it too. | |
| As the 2024 race heats up, you never know when you'll need this excellent piece of equipment. | |
| Of course, it's also a necessity for hunters, bikers, shooting enthusiasts, RV owners, EMTs, female cops, and of course, froozy taxi men. | |
| Because every route got a frowzy taxi man. | |
| Not froozy, frowzy. | |
| We've had a poll going on last month or so, you can enter promo code RyanSucks, one word, or GavinSucks for 10% off your order. | |
| While we have it straight from the top, MrJumpMedic himself has told us that not a single person entered GavinSucks. | |
| Wow. | |
| It was 100% RyanSucks. | |
| So, you know what I get from that? | |
| Brian sucks. | |
| It's like I was at the optician yesterday, and he was putting new lenses in my glasses, and I was trying on other glasses, and every pair I tried on, I looked like a gay architect. | |
| And I said, oh, I already told you this story. | |
| No. | |
| Oh. | |
| I go, maybe if every pair of glasses makes you look like a gay architect, you look like a gay architect. | |
| No, that just tells me that this sample size of people that all care about their health and if something goes wrong they want to ratify that with some sort of medical equipment, those people think I suck. | |
| But those are fucking nerds. | |
| Okay, so you're telling the customers of our sponsor that they're nerds. | |
| If anybody who cares about their health, if they're in a medical predicament and they want to solve that, You're a fucking nerd. | |
| That's called sarcasm, just in case you didn't get Ryan's terrible sense of humor. | |
| So as always, go to JumpMedic.com and enter promo code RyanSucks for 10% off your order. | |
| JumpMedic.com. | |
| Zip that back up. | |
| I got some stethoscope peeking out. | |
| Peek-a-scope. | |
| Let's jump right into My Pet Biden. | |
| I don't think we've ever done My Pet Biden on the free side of the show. | |
| Interesting. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| It's playing background music. | |
| Well, finish the intro. | |
| Okay. | |
| How do you fuck that up? | |
| So when I was playing that background music, it kept playing. | |
| Here we go. | |
| Let's hit it from the top. | |
| No, not the top. | |
| Okay, let's not. | |
| You know we were talking last night about things I don't get? | |
| I don't get... Can you imagine playing the clarinet? | |
| I actually like the clarinet. | |
| Yeah, but imagine at home just practicing your clarinet. | |
| I did it in school because we all had to. | |
| Then I switched to the bass clarinet because it seemed cooler. | |
| But as soon as we were able to quit, I quit. | |
| But being a grown man... Bass clarinet's pretty tough. | |
| Yeah, I sucked. | |
| One time we were doing a presentation in front of all the parents, and the band teacher stopped and said, bass clarinet, you need to... and just gave me a whole lecture in front of all the parents. | |
| Oh, you were bass clarinet? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Oh. | |
| Well, I did clarinet too. | |
| Right, right, okay. | |
| Not in a remotely interesting way. | |
| Play a clarinet solo. | |
| Alright. | |
| You should hear my dad's clarinet solo. | |
| Like, I can't picture that. | |
| I can't picture your dad playing the clarinet. | |
| The clarinet. | |
| Trumpet, maybe. | |
| Why? | |
| If you're Indian, play the shit out of that as a dad. | |
| Well, if you're Indian, then snakes come out of the ground. | |
| That's cool. | |
| Why are you doing that? | |
| Stop that! | |
| Wait, those look like saxophone keys. | |
| Stop! | |
| Hey, are you going by the music store? | |
| Can you get me some reeds? | |
| Yeah, I need three more reeds. | |
| Is there a reed in there? | |
| Clarinets use reeds, yes. | |
| I've got a reed up on it. | |
| So, usually we lampoon our severely retarded president, Joe Biden, but today we have a special. | |
| We're going to look at his veep, Kamala Harris, and the crazy shit that comes out of her mouth. | |
| As you know, she likes to repeat the same word in a phrase, like, people ask me, What's happening with the American economy and where is it going? | |
| And I always say, it's going where the economy wants to go and where we want it to go. | |
| And that is forward, but also backwards in many ways, because you need to know where you come from to know where you're going. | |
| That's what she wants. | |
| She wants to go with a line like, we need to know where we're coming from to know where we're going. | |
| That's catchy. | |
| We have nothing to fear but fear itself. | |
| But she's just too stupid. | |
| So she just babbles like a drunk mom. | |
| She sounds like she's had too many roses after the kids baseball game. | |
| The first link is broken, but is it this one? | |
| The governor and I and we were all I'm doing a tour of the library here and talking about the significance of the passage of time. | |
| No, no. | |
| Right? | |
| This was about, she's saying that schools are being taught that some black people benefited from slavery. | |
| We've got to find the quote. | |
| So, schools are saying, smart schools are saying no to CRT. | |
| They decided middle school students will be taught that enslaved people benefited from slavery. | |
| They insult us in an attempt to gaslight us and we will not stand for it! | |
| I had to dig in and read this because the headline I thought couldn't be true, but here it is. | |
| A 216 page document from the Florida State Board of Education. | |
| One section that reads, slaves developed skills which in some instances could be applied for their personal benefits. | |
| I never thought I'd see both sides-ism of slavery taught in public schools. | |
| Yeah, that's true. | |
| Just yesterday in the state of Florida. | |
| That is true. | |
| And, you know, this is, well, Ryan was talking about a t-shirt where it says, slavery never should have happened. | |
| Like, you go up to a black person, you go, I, that slavery thing, oh my god. | |
| Good news, though. | |
| I have a magic genie bottle. | |
| And I can rub it and we can both make the wish that slavery never happened. | |
| Shall we do that? | |
| Uh, yo, hang on a minute. | |
| Hang on a second. | |
| Slavery was horrible, yes. | |
| I think AIU, our own AIU, beat me to that. | |
| Really? | |
| Yeah. | |
| Of course slavery was horrible. | |
| Whites were very prevalent in the slave trade as slaves. | |
| Blacks were very prevalent in the slave trade as slave traders. | |
| Kamala Harris's father in Jamaica came from a plantation family. | |
| Kamala Harris's lineage had slaves. | |
| And despite the horrors of slavery, Would you rather be here or back in Africa? | |
| I think you'd rather here. | |
| It's a shitty way to get here, but you're here now and you're better off. | |
| So the hypocrisy in that idiotic statement is embarrassing. | |
| And the assumption that Florida is teaching that it was cool to be a slave is just, again, so low IQ. | |
| Here's her saying that awesome phrase. | |
| I think I may have played this before, but I love showing her do this because you just see how often she bombs and how painful it is. | |
| Third one in, right? | |
| 1-7. | |
| The one that follows 1-6. | |
| Everything is in context. | |
| My mother used to give us a hard time sometimes and she would say to us, I don't know what's wrong with you young people. | |
| You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? | |
| You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you. | |
| What are you talking about? | |
| She'd be like a cool aunt at a barbecue. | |
| No, I don't want to sit with her. | |
| But that's it. | |
| You wouldn't learn anything from her. | |
| You think she just fell out of a coconut tree? | |
| You'd be like, oh, she's really drinking tonight. | |
| I had to look up because I was dubious that there were coconuts in India. | |
| Her mother's Indian. | |
| But there's coconuts in India. | |
| Plenty. | |
| Isn't it a palm tree? | |
| Do they really call it? | |
| Look up coconut tree. | |
| Aren't all palm trees coconut trees? | |
| I don't want to answer that because I'm not certain, but it does look like very palmy to me. | |
| It's a batituximan. | |
| What's the difference between a coconut tree and a palm tree? | |
| What is the difference between a coconut tree and a palm tree? | |
| Nothing. | |
| You don't call them coconut trees. | |
| And by the way, they're not trees. | |
| A tree is something that you can get wood from. | |
| Oh, it's a member of the palm tree. | |
| Okay, so there's palm trees that don't have coconuts. | |
| Yeah. | |
| So, anyway, there's some problems with your joke, Kamala. | |
| First of all, no one knows what the fuck a coconut tree is. | |
| And then here is her new way of talking that I always talk about. | |
| Is this 1-8? | |
| Let us be clear. | |
| Teachers want to teach the truth. | |
| What is that? | |
| Let us be clear. | |
| That's how Stuart Little's dad talks if you're stepping on him. | |
| Is Stuart smaller? | |
| Let us be clear. | |
| You're crushing me. | |
| Let us be clear, teachers want to teach the truth. | |
| It's like something out of a musical. | |
| It's from Aladdin. | |
| And like not a human character, like a little bear or something. | |
| Teachers want to teach facts. | |
| Like slavery was good for everyone. | |
| Teachers dedicate themselves to some of the most noble work any human being could take on. | |
| To teach other people's children! | |
| Yeah, I wish they would. | |
| I wish they would and not brainwash other people's children. | |
| For the sake of the future of our nation! | |
| And so they should not then be told by politicians that they should be teaching revisionist history in order to keep their jobs. | |
| What is going on? | |
| Revisionist history, by the way, is history that does not follow the radical leftist agenda. | |
| So if you have any kind of nuance, like, slave owners didn't really beat their slaves. | |
| You know, the guy has a pitchfork. | |
| He has a scythe. | |
| He has a machete. | |
| You don't really want to be on his bad side by raping his sister, as is well documented in the book Roll Jordan Roll. | |
| But no, you can't teach that. | |
| You have to teach that Black Wall Street was burned down. | |
| You have to teach that every time you hear of any kind of black crime, it was false. | |
| Emmett Till was totally innocent. | |
| And every time you hear of lynching, it was only blacks that were lynched. | |
| No white people were lynched. | |
| No white people were slaves. | |
| And if you go against that, it's revisionist history. | |
| Okay, so the next link is kind of creepy, folks. | |
| Veep lampooned Kamala Harris before Kamala Harris existed. | |
| They got in a time machine, saw who she is, right? | |
| Which is confusing because I heard that everyone in that staff, especially Jen Psaki, is obsessed with Veep, the show. | |
| That's why they got into politics. | |
| Or what really, you know, egged them on when they were already in politics. | |
| And that was used as an explanation for the TV set that Biden had in the White House. | |
| Remember that? | |
| He was doing these talks, and you're looking at the plants, and you go, wait a minute, it's not spring. | |
| And you realize, oh, that's a fake window behind him. | |
| He's on a soundstage. | |
| Why is he on a soundstage? | |
| Why not just do it from the Oval Office like every other president? | |
| Well, because they're obsessed with Veep, and they sort of see their jobs as TV stars. | |
| Right? | |
| Look at that. | |
| There's a coconut tree. | |
| There's a coconut tree outside my house, man. | |
| Come on, man. | |
| Listen, the world doesn't look the same in a window. | |
| Wait, you're not supposed to write words on the plants. | |
| You're giving away that it's not really there. | |
| Yeah, we've got plants. | |
| Yeah, we've grown some build back betters. | |
| Holy shit. | |
| That looks bad. | |
| Yeah, that's a TV set. | |
| It looks like the studio. | |
| And the perspective, did they just duplicate the same picture? | |
| That's bad. | |
| Dumb. | |
| Something weird is going on here in the Matrix. | |
| Owen Benjamin is going to have to explain it to me. | |
| But how is this so accurate? | |
| Why are they Veep fans? | |
| Are they time travelers? | |
| How did they do this? | |
| Words have many meanings, and sometimes instead of conveying our meaning, they can suggest other meanings. | |
| When we talk about the children of the community, they are the children of the community. | |
| Well, we are the United States of America because we are united. | |
| And we are states. | |
| States. | |
| The significance of the passage of time. | |
| Right? | |
| The significance of the passage of time. | |
| So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time. | |
| Whatever we have in store cannot be known. | |
| The past was once the future. | |
| The future is, I should say, unknown. | |
| We gotta take this stuff seriously, as seriously as you are because you have been forced to have to take it seriously. | |
| Obesity is a serious disease and it needs to be taken seriously. | |
| Certain issues are just settled. | |
| Clearly we're not. | |
| No, that's right. | |
| And that's why I do believe that we are living, sadly, in real unsettled times. | |
| Like, talk about going with the flow. | |
| Certain things are just settled. | |
| No, they're not. | |
| Exactly. | |
| That's exactly my point. | |
| What? | |
| I just said no to what you said. | |
| And I agree. | |
| We're living in unsettled times. | |
| But certain things are settled. | |
| No, they're not. | |
| Correct. | |
| Wow. | |
| Is she a meathead or insane? | |
| Hoy vey. | |
| Uh, final sponsor before we go behind the paywall. | |
| And let me just tell you what you're missing behind the paywall. | |
| Orion Katsu Rivera sex tape has been released. | |
| Yes. | |
| Uh, we have a huge horde of good news. | |
| Fantastic things that are happening. | |
| I finally convinced Gavin that the earth is not a round spinning ball in an infinite universe of making you an insignificant little poo stain. | |
| You finally got the information from me that you needed to realize that the earth is not a globe. | |
| So we'll get into that too. | |
| Today's episode of Get Off My Lawn is brought to you by Johnny Apple CBD, a loyal sponsor since day one. | |
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| Head over to JohnnyApple.com or JACBD.com, use the code GAVIN at checkout, and you'll get 25% off your entire order. | |
| Infinitely cheaper than buying from the dispensary. | |
| Support Johnny Apple, support the show. | |
| Now, let's get back to the show. | |
| All right, so the good news I want to get to is Nigel Farage kicking the shit out of a bank that tried to cancel him. | |
| This chick, Maya Forstater, kicking the ass of a company that fired her for being transphobic. | |
| Just Stop Oil having their asses handed to them. | |
| And all these conservative boycotts turning out great. | |
| But I'm not including you freeloaders in any of this. | |
| So we're going behind the paywall now, folks, where we live 90% of our lives. | |
| We have new content every single day, $10 a month. | |
| That's two beers in most places. | |
| About a beer here in Manhattan, the most expensive fucking place on earth. | |
| But two beers a month to have unlimited content, more than you can possibly handle. | |
| There's no one on earth who says, I subscribe to censored.tv and they only have, what do we have per day? | |
| I got to work that out. | |
| It's got to be eight hours a day total of content. | |
| So more than you can handle. | |
| And even when I go away on vacation or on business trips, I make sure we pre-record stuff so there's never not GAV content on the show. | |
| But we also have tons of other contributors. | |
| We've got Jim Go doing shows, Josh LaCashe. | |
| We've got AIU, the second most popular dude on the site. | |
| On Thursday nights we do a Cops and Robbers show. | |
| Where we have a bunch of cops and Matty O'Dell, the felon, and we watch police videos with them. | |
| That's becoming very popular as a Thursday night special. | |
| There's the Sports City Sports Sports Sports Show with Josh Denny and Full Mental Retard, Canadian hoser, comes in on Sundays. | |
| We've also got some exciting new stuff coming down the pipeline that seems to be taking forever. | |
| Have you noticed that? | |
| Let's get going with those. | |
| I thought that was gonna start in July. | |
| Anthony Kumi of Opian Anthony fame. | |
| Anyway, it's... I'm actually kind of mad at you for not subscribing to be totally honest. | |
| You just watch me for free on YouTube? | |
| Fuck you. |