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Dec. 9, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:09:32
GOML LIVE #175 - JOKER'S WILD (Part 1)

Ryan makes his suit worth it by become a gay Joker the whole show.

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Time Text
I'd like to propose a toast.
I said toast, motherfucker.
Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn Live on Censored.TV.
I'd like to welcome my co-hosts, Tim Dickman.
Hello.
And Maddie O'Dell.
What's up, everybody?
That was Fancy Feast, a husband and wife team from Chicago covering Yay.
He has a mono name Yay now.
Kanye West, that was, what, 214, 2014, that song, that album, College Dropout.
I remember being really mad that my kids' public school had his book in the library because there's a chapter in it called The College Dropout.
No, The Dropout.
And it's written in kid text.
It's like, you know, a quarter inch high font.
And my kids are being taught that it's good to drop out.
It is good to drop out, but you don't tell them that.
It's like Santa.
As you know, this show goes free for the first half hour or so.
And then we go behind the paywall.
We take super chats here to raise money for Max and John.
I think we're at 23 grand.
We have a new fundraiser coming out.
What are you doing over there?
Nothing.
Could you be dressed worse?
Yes.
I could be wearing.
She could be wearing abortions, I guess.
I could be wearing abortions.
I could be wearing actual shit.
You could be wearing something racist.
That's the worst thing in the world.
Could be wearing something sex exhomophobics.
You look like a friend of a Batman villain who sells candy.
So the Joker's like, we're going to get them, boys.
And I'm like, yeah, I'll sell them candy.
It'll be poison candy with laser blade.
Yeah, that's your role.
Yeah.
Why do you dress up like that?
But then I have an arc where I doubt what I'm doing where I'm like, maybe the Batman's right, boss.
He's like, what did you say?
And I'm like, you know, when I grew up, I always thought that I would be a dockhand like my dad.
And I joined you, Joker, because pretty good digs.
But this Batman, he stands up for what's right.
And then he kills me in front of all the other henchmen, and I'm like a tragic thing that's right.
That's like that part.
That's my favorite part of this story.
Not saying Rome was sad because I died.
Can you fast forward to that part next time you tell this story?
You'd be sad if I died.
You'd all be sad.
Yeah, you probably lie in bed at night and imagine your funeral and imagine people crying.
No, I haven't planned my funeral unlike you.
Who's like, oh, I want a funeral?
That's a party.
I'm a real cool funeral.
When my daughter was like four, she goes, I can't remember how it came up, but she was talking about if she died.
And she's like, then I would die and you'd have a funeral.
And I go, yeah, I guess.
I don't want to talk about this.
Yeah, it's kind of morbid, but.
And then she goes, and she just bursts out crying.
She goes, would you be so sad?
Yeah.
Be beaten.
Yes, I'd be pretty upset if you died, toddler.
By the way, look at Tim's totally in focus shoes.
Oh, dude, everyone said last week you had shit on the bottom of your shoe.
Oh, is that why they were asking me about my boots?
Yeah.
That's possible.
He's out of focus, though.
Okay.
We'll fix this together.
Yeah, he looks like a low-res JPEG.
That looks like when you're researching someone who wrote an inflammatory article about Proud Boys, and you're like, who the fuck is this person?
And then you Google it and you get one, on page three, you get a low-res JPEG, and you're like, you don't really exist.
76 megapixels.
That's not a lot of megapixels.
No.
76 by 76.
What?
This is the dumbest outfit you've ever worn.
Dude, if you're wearing a plaid suit, then everything else has to be bare bones nothing.
Like a white shirt and a black tie.
It's very busy.
You don't wear a candy tie and a turquoise pocket square, you freak.
No, it's supposed to be festive, like a very, very festive.
You look like a party clown at a children's birthday party.
Well, I'm not.
Oh, touche.
Well, you can't see the pants.
Need a fashion pants.
Yeah, dark.
Your blazer's always got to be darker than your pants.
What are you carrying in your hand there?
My seat.
Okay.
Some people at the edge of my seat, I have the seat by the edge.
All right, let's stop talking to that person.
Yeah.
The opening band was Fancy Feast.
Husband and wife team from Chicago.
Great guys.
They probably would be mortified to know that they're introducing this show.
But he's got a good song called I'm Sick of My Wife.
I wonder if they're still around.
This is obviously a long time ago.
They did the cover of an album that's from 2014.
Eight years, yeah.
That's around when Nick was calling my show about Ye.
And now Nick is running Ye's.
He's kind of like, you know what?
I don't want to disparage Ye, but Nick and Ye are kind of like Master Blaster.
And they kind of run Barter Town.
Nice.
That's the funniest thing I've ever said, but okay.
I'll give you guys like an hour to digest.
Is he the campaign manager?
He's kind of what?
Ye is an artist, right?
Yes.
So when he talks about stuff, it's very floral and ethereal and subjective.
And then Nick will come in and go, well, actually, you know, they were there and the borders of Israel in 1974 were not what they were today.
I mean, they were encroaching on Gaza.
He'll fill in the gaps.
So it's actually a formidable force, those two.
He's the yang to the yang.
Yeah.
Ping pong.
Now we have no ad reads tonight because our sales guy not only is fired, but I think may have been ripping us off.
I have to speak, I have to tread lightly because we may end up in court.
But I have a feeling that our sponsors have been paying him and not, it's not translating over to the big guys upstairs.
So we have some weird hippie with the giant beard that goes down to his crotch because he's a friend of mine handling the sales thing.
But I don't think people in the business world understand how incredibly rare sales is as a gift.
It is an albino talent.
And if you have a sales guy, you got a company.
Why was Vice so big?
I'm not going to lie, Shane Smith.
Sure, I had some quirky takes for the content, but if there's no sales dude there selling it, you're making a fanzine, and it's big in Montreal.
You're the funniest guy in Montreal.
Cool.
Way to go.
Rooster, my ad agency.
If I didn't have that sales guy, I don't even want to say his name because I want to sully his reputation, but he's the one who made us the millions.
Even with this, with Censored.tv, there is, of course, the incredible sales prowess of Ryan.
Just kidding, he's retarded.
It's a different guy.
Damn you, McKinnis.
But our sales dude was not a good sales dude, and I fired him.
And I think he was still taking checks.
So it's good for you because you have no ad sales tonight.
We should get it back.
It's not that much money, though.
Wait, hold on a second.
Maddie.
Yes.
You okay?
Are you sad, Maddie?
No, I was in Woolly Wonka's chocolate factory.
Oh, no.
Did you eat one of the fucking idiot?
He told you not to go into that vat.
I know.
Come on, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.
Always.
I want it now, Daddy.
I want a Noopa Loompa.
Well, I hope you fucking learned your lesson.
Varuca.
You look like a damn.
The rules were very clear when you walked into that factory, but no.
Yeah, give me the fucking thing.
Mr. X-Con had to break the rules.
I'm not good at following the rules or the law.
Well, I hope you like being blue, da-ba-da-da-da-da.
Can you take me to the Ju-Johns?
We're also wearing our I Don't Break for Kweefs shirts.
Yes.
This comes from the concept of you're making love to a lady and she has a vaginal fart.
Would you stop and go, whoa, what was that?
No, you would not.
Nope.
You plow through Queiffs without a second thought.
Just air getting in there.
Yep.
And it goes back to my hatred of jokey songs.
Art, sex, they should be serious.
Sacred.
You should not be riffing during intercourse.
You can riff immediately after.
You can roll off her and be like, I think that one took if you're trying to get your wife pregnant.
But during the act, no jokes.
Queefs are fine.
Also, I would like to announce the high-viz shirts are coming in time for Christmas.
The reason I haven't sent them up until today is because I'm a cheap asshole.
And it was the dumbest thing I've ever done.
I said, send me your high-viz teas and I'll send you one of ours.
So now I have 40 boxes of high-viz teas, which I don't wear.
I don't want.
That was dumb of me.
I can't, it gets into the LARPer Valley where I'm not a high-viz guy, so I look like a fucking idiot.
So they're just sitting in my closet.
And now I have to pay, I'm going to say $1,300 sending you back the shirts you sent me.
Let's call it advertising.
I don't know.
It was not a shirt.
This is why you need a good sales guy to tell you, no, don't do that.
That's a bad investment.
So you'll be getting those.
It happened because Josh Denny, when I was in LA, he was talking about this dude who ripped off everyone who contributed to his thing.
He's like, yeah, he said he was going to send them this shit and didn't do it.
And I was like, holy fuck, that's me.
I did that too.
I got to get those high-viz teas out before Christmas.
Also, show notes.
$20 a show note plus shipping and handling.
You Australians are going to have to pay.
But when I throw the show notes out, I've been saving them.
I'll show you.
I've got a stack this big.
So I'll take that to the post office tomorrow, send it to our distributor.
And for $20, you can have the show notes.
And 100% of the proceeds go to Joe Biggs' trial.
So the super chats are to Max and John.
And this is to Joe Biggs.
He, to be clear, Joe Biggs is charged for insurrection.
He went to, he had zero plan.
I can promise you that.
I can prove it, actually.
He went to the Capitol on January 6th, saw the chaos going on.
He enjoyed it.
I'm not going to lie.
He probably loved it.
He thought, this is crazy.
Holy fuck, it's going down.
Then he went into the building.
After all the damage was done, he went into the building.
I'm not going to lie.
He did trespass.
He went pee-pee.
He pulled out his penis.
He circumcised.
Didn't have to recede his foreskin.
He urinated into a porcelain sort of a bowl shape.
Then he shook it, got a little bit on his hand.
I'm not going to lie.
Four drops.
And then he didn't wash his hands.
He went like this with his piss hand, as we are wont to do.
It's a Proud Boys thing.
And then as he walked out of the bathroom, a cop said, Dude, can you just get out of here?
This is really bad.
And Joe went, all right.
And he walked out.
20 years.
He's facing 20 years in prison for that.
Seems a little intense for a guy who, he's not poor, by the way.
He was like upper middle class.
His parents are very wealthy.
And after 9-11, he went, I don't want to pursue law or hedge funds.
I want to go fight for my country.
So he joined the army and he earned two Purple Hearts.
He got shot at.
He went to Afghanistan.
He went to Iraq.
He had an IED blow up his Hummer.
We talked about this on the show where he's in midair looking at a pen in slow motion.
Lands sideways, gets out.
It's still a shootout.
After his Hummer was sent flying, he still had to fucking fight for his life.
But yeah, he had his VA benefits rescinded.
He doesn't get any money from the VA anymore.
How dare you?
Fuck you.
The trial hasn't even begun.
And you're guilty till proven innocent.
So start buying those show notes.
They're on the site, censored.tv on the store.
And it is 20 bucks plus shipping and handling.
I've got a million.
For the past year, I've been saving them all.
Also, an important news: there's a new Sebastian Manascalco specialt.
Aren't you embarrassed?
Do you do a Sebastian Maniscalco candy man?
Aren't you embarrassed?
I remember I made you and your wife laugh with like a light impression of it, but not really.
I leave that up to scoops and figs.
I don't know who that is.
Is that what you call Maddie and Dickman?
Okay, I'm scooping.
Dickman, let's hear your best Sebastian Maniscalco.
I don't do one.
Well, try.
Wait, you want to hear him first?
I don't think he.
Why are you holding the mic like Dave Chappelle?
Wait, I'm thinking.
So cool.
Can you do a Dave Chappelle real quick?
No.
Wait, just do a Garfield.
How about Garfield?
Count to five as Dave Chappelle.
Can you do E.T.?
Phone home.
Can you do Ronald Reagan?
Well.
That's one-word impressions.
Well, you do Anthony Coomius.
Reagan.
If you just move your mouth, I'll make it look like you can do a Dave Chappelle impression.
Okay.
I managed to meet Dave Chappelle.
Wasn't the host of the SNL.
It was crazy, man.
I was like, damn.
All these writers and shit.
I had to change my set.
I thought it was too pecan or something.
But I did it anyway.
Mercedes is calling.
That's actually really good, Dickman.
From Mercedes Carrera.
An incarcerated individual at San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department.
This call is not private.
It will be recorded and may be monitored.
If you believe this should be a private call, please hang up and follow facility instructions to register this number as a private number.
Thank you for using Securis.
You may start the conversation now.
Hey, Mercedes.
Hey, Gavin.
What you been up to?
I haven't spoken to you in a while.
Are you living in Rancho Cucamonga?
I am in Rancho.
Well, I want to call it living.
I am currently being held against my will inside of a facility in Rancho Cucamonga.
Oh, I see.
That is true.
So it's not going great.
I wouldn't say that it's going well.
No.
You know, I was just in L.A. talking to my new best friend, Kanye West, a.k.a. Yay, and he's been estranged from his children.
And I got a similar vibe that I get from you, which is fucking kill me.
I don't give a shit what you people do.
Without my kids, I don't really care what happens to me.
That's about right.
Yeah, I would say that Yay and I probably share a similar disdain for Western civilization.
So, wait a minute.
I didn't know you have a disdain for Western civilization.
Would you like us to be a communist society?
Do you admire China?
Did you know that Yay has a communist name?
Yay actually was a prominent member of a communist called Politiboro under Mao?
No, I did not know that.
So what system do you want?
What system is better than capitalism?
Well, actually, you know what?
It's not that I have a problem with capitalism.
It's that we don't have capitalism right now.
We have communism right now.
And that's the problem that I have with Western civilization at this very moment.
Did you know that?
Like, for example, you know, everyone talks about the squad.
Did you know there was a gang of four under Mao that very much resembles the squad?
Ilhan Omar, AOC, Rashida Talib.
Yeah, guess what?
They're just like the gang of four under Mao's communism.
Why is that?
Why are those four idiots given so much preeminence in today's civilization?
Explain this.
Is it a message?
Like, do these people who do this, do they want to send us clues as a fuck you, or are they trying to hide it?
Well, it almost seems to me like what they're doing is an active communist revolution, and it's happening right under our noses.
One of the main symptoms of communist revolution is food shortages.
Another one is active, is active dismemberment of the military, which is what we've been seeing.
Yeah.
Ever since Obama.
They've actively dismembered the U.S. military, and now they're undermining it.
And you have guys like General Milley, who seem to focus more on transgender bathrooms in the military, and the fact that China, who is communist in name only at this point, has a more active military force than we do.
Yeah, possibly a better Navy.
They actually do have a better Navy.
And ever since we pulled out of Afghanistan, notice that the moment we did that, Russia went full ham on Ukraine.
That's because that area is considered to be the area of the Great Game since the 19th century.
And whoever doesn't have preeminence there signals that they're weak.
Peter Hofkirk wrote a great series about that.
You must not have a lot of people in Rancho Cucamonga prison to talk to.
I have very, very few people.
You know what?
I'm almost at this point like Marcus or Elias.
Maybe I'll just write myself a book called the Medicine.
Yeah, you should write a book.
Maybe I will.
All right, we've got to go, Mercedes.
We have a lot of ground to cover tonight, but we appreciate when you call during the live show.
Oh, you know what?
Thank you so much for talking to me.
Oh, and also stop telling people that porn actresses are just girls who are molested by their fathers.
Most of them didn't have fathers growing up, Gavin.
Okay, I'm sorry.
They were molested by their uncles.
That's not even true.
You know what?
Women who are molested tend to be big, fat lesbians.
You're getting mad.
What percentage of porn actresses would you say are molested?
You know what?
Actually, not many.
I would say most porn actresses hate their mothers.
That's why, yeah, because women who are porn actresses are women who say, you know what, fuck you to the female establishment.
The female establishment says, oh, you know what, preserve the pussy at any cost.
Don't let men have any access to it.
That's what the female establishment says.
And most women who are rebels to that become porn actresses.
And those are women who hate their mothers.
That's the truth of it.
Maybe they hate their mothers because their mother let their brother molest them.
You know what?
That's a completely outdated notion.
Completely outdated.
You're wrong.
Okay.
You're wrong.
I worked in this.
Yes.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
I quit porn and my life is 100% better.
You can quit porn all you want, but I'm telling you that that is an outdated notion.
That's not the reason they do it.
Women who are molested tend to be big, fat lesbians who hate men.
Okay, we'll look into it.
Okay, love you.
Bye.
Thanks, babe.
Fuck her.
She's never getting on the show again.
Anyone who disagrees with me is X'd for life.
By the way, folks, still working on the transition from cell phone addiction to the light phone.
It's going okay.
Here's one problem I find.
You come up with an idea, and in your notes, you can put it in your phone.
Or you can even tell the guy, like, hey, we should open a fast food chain.
You shouldn't be sitting at a deli when you're waiting for a sandwich doing deals.
So I bought this little notebook for four bucks or whatever it cost.
And I'm going to make notes in this.
So you have an idea at the deli, you put it in here.
Then when you get back to your desk, then you catch up on your ideas.
Fuck this thing.
It is ruining our lives.
You know, the human brain takes in information and remembers it stores in the deep, dark memories of the grooves of your brain.
When you write things down or when you repeat it out loud, Burt Gavin.
Tommy Lee Jones, thanks for coming to the show.
We're easier to commit things to memory, Slick, if you write it down and say it out loud.
You were in the Batman movie as what, Two-Face or something?
Oh, please don't remind me of that.
was a terrible and i mean terrible role but yes i was slick working with so why are you dressed as joker now Or penguin or whatever the fuck you are?
I'm dressed like Ryan Katzu Rivera.
A moron?
Now you take that back.
Tommy Lee Jones went to harvest.
Speaking of Ryan Katsu Rivera, we have footage of him trying to fuck an underage girl.
Excuse me.
And it's an unfortunate fate that this man has to play out the video of himself trying to fuck a kid.
And we're ruining his life now.
We're getting him divorced, I guess, and arrested.
But I'm about truth.
And Ryan tried to fuck a kid.
Slick.
I doubt it.
Let's check the footage.
None of this looks familiar to me.
Yeah.
That's not me.
Oh.
Yes, it is.
I don't know what that is.
I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous.
No, you're okay.
Yeah.
You're okay.
So what are you trying to do?
I don't even sound that way.
Tell me what you want to do.
I think what I said was, what are you trying to do?
What he said was, what are you trying to do?
So, what are you trying to do?
Well, what are you doing?
What are you trying to do?
Don't marry me.
Come in to me.
Yeah, hey, hey.
Yeah, please don't touch me, though.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm just nervous.
You're fine.
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
You're fine.
His feet aren't touching the ground.
Good.
Yeah, that's you.
No, it's not.
No, they're really not touching the ground.
Dude, if you're going to go fuck a chick, have matching socks.
If you're going to try to fuck a chick, don't play the floor as lava.
And don't be retarded.
See, this is my problem with that show.
I love the idea of pedophiles getting swept off the streets, but if you go out there on the internet and you're like, hi, I'm 13 and I love getting double plugged up my ass and I'm addicted to drinking, come.
Anyway, anyone out there interested?
And you're going to get, out of a thousand people, you're going to get some Ryan Katzu Rivera retard who's like, yeah, I died, die, die, tone.
Nice.
Slick, I don't know if you've ever seen Ryan Cats Rivera make his moves, but he is slick like a cougar or a tiger.
Slick.
Okay.
All right there, Hulse.
And then he's used a guy as an arm dog.
Okay, sis, is he retarded?
Solving crimes or entrapping retards.
How are you helping society right now?
Wow.
Is she filming on her phone too?
Yeah, motherfucker.
Ha ha, retard.
You got horny.
Well, I don't think he's of sound mind, like you said, like to make this.
No, he's special, dude.
Yeah, he really is.
You've got a special guy.
That's not.
He's on the spectrum for sure.
Spectrum.
He's on the retardum.
I think.
That's.
Oh, your Uber driver?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, did you give him a good review?
Yep, I did.
Good.
Nico Fire.
He was good.
He was nice.
Okay.
I'm like Russ Travis, you meet these days, so.
Yeah.
Hi, Gacho.
So what's your name?
My name's Ray Renfreen Company.
Raymond.
Oh, nice to meet you, Ray.
Hi, Mark.
I'm Skeet Hansen.
Nice to meet you.
Skeet Hansen?
Wait, is this a joke?
Am I fucking?
Because the other guy was what?
The other guy was Hansen.
The guy from Connecticut.
Yeah, yeah.
I hope I'm not pulling up a joke video.
Skeeter Gene, and he calls himself Skeeter Hansen.
Isn't Skeeting ejaculating?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you skeet on Predators?
Did I ejaculate?
Let me see if I misheard that one.
Yeah.
Hi, Gacho.
So what's your name?
My name's Ray Renfreen Company.
Raymond.
Oh, yeah.
I know I can call you Ray if your name's Raymond.
He did say Skeet Hansen.
Nice to meet you.
My name's Ray Renfley Company.
Raymond.
Oh.
Nice to meet you, Ray.
Hi, Mark.
I'm Skeet Hansen.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
So, what are you here for?
Huh?
What are you here for?
I'm going to say to hang out with her, that's all.
With her.
And how?
Uh-oh, this is getting embarrassing.
I'm worried we're putting up a joke and then saying this is a joke.
Let's see the intro here.
Trappetite because we've got a lot of Predator pasta to dish out here.
That seems pretty fake, too.
They think they're talking to actual teenagers, but in reality, they're talking to an adult decoy posing.
Nothing worse than exposing something, and you find out it's a joke, and you're the fucking idiot.
They think they're talking to a 13-year-old, however, they're talking to a three.
She's like a four.
I want to just be on that show once and be and be like, no, I'm here to talk.
Yeah.
Well, you have condoms.
No, I have no condoms.
We have wine coolers.
No, I have non-alcoholic beverages.
I wanted to talk to a 13-year-old.
Yeah.
I'm doing a documentary.
I have questions in my pocket.
It says, ask the 13-year-old about school.
What's that like?
Has things changed?
What school?
Lunch.
Leave that up to the baby monster to decide.
Can we pull up the fucking clips that don't super chat?
Is that fake?
Yeah, we're going to do the super chat.
You can send that in.
I'll show you how.
Because you guys are probably too fucking stupid to figure it out.
Man, so dumb.
And I'm so much smarter.
I like this evil villain guy.
You go to Watching Live.
We are streaming.
Watch live now.
You go to censor.tv, click on that, and then it says, donate to read a message on air.
Hey, what is that?
It's a joke.
That's us gay.
Great.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Don't participate.
God damn it.
I hate when people make me gay in Photoshop.
Ben and Burn.
Embarrassing.
So you go there, you donate $100, guarantees we'll read it on air.
And 100% of the money goes to Max and John.
We paid some of their lawyer fees now, not much, like $3,500.
But it's really about when they get out.
They'll have some dough.
Right.
Butt plugs and dildos.
Is that the Project Very Test?
Yeah, butt plugs and I want to cover that.
What's one five?
I want to cover that tomorrow when we can relax.
I like that fantasy clip of your Latin Asian hybrid wannabe Jamie like Ryan.
I'm Latino and also a fan of shirtless Gavin.
Keep it up.
Pretty hot.
Wasn't sure about buying a sub, but I'm glad I did.
You always talk trash about yourself being a six.
Wait, we got this as a letter, too.
Huh.
I don't like being adored by homosexuals.
Yeah, that's uncomfortable, isn't it?
Yeah, I want 21-year-old hot girls with huge tits to be masturbating, thinking about me.
Not dudes.
One time I was riding my bike through the West Village, and some guy was like, hello, and he was like 70 years old.
And I turned around.
I was like, are you fucking kidding me?
I'm way too hot for you.
I'm out of your league, faggot.
All right, let's read the bottom one real quick because it's about to disappear.
Dickman, if you were on patrol and caught Maddie stealing hubcaps, what weapon would you use against him?
Mace?
Taser?
Or a thing called a billy stick?
Not a billy club or a truncheon, but a billy stick.
I wouldn't use any of them.
What would you do?
I would use Jack Johnson and Tom Foley.
You just fucking kick his ass.
Well, I'd use my verbal judo.
And then if he didn't comply, you'd start roughing him up.
And then what would you do, Maddie?
Well, I have been known to tussle with.
You turn the mic to your guy.
I don't.
I've been known to tussle with police before.
So you would fight Dickman.
Well, usually, to be honest with you, whenever they stop, they usually call the backup.
So it wouldn't be just him, but I've been hit with a nightstick, the old wooden ones, in the forehead.
Hurt.
I've been hit with a baton.
It hurt.
I've never been tased.
Huh.
Yeah.
I had a cop one time.
He was on my back, and he grabbed my hair and he pulled my head back and put the basic hair.
It was like, shh.
That's a wake-up call.
Wow.
How did that feel?
It sucked.
The worst thing that we knocked.
The best thing sucked in the bed.
it sucked real bad but uh once you get i've been maced a few times like pepper sprayed a bunch of times it starts it doesn't have like the same effect on you and And the worst thing is to do is touch your eyes or rub them.
You got to keep your eyes open.
Yeah.
Also, when you take a shower later on, it revisits.
Yeah, the water.
Trying to make you red.
It's hard.
It was brutal.
That one?
Literally, like this close.
Holy shit.
There was another guy on my lower legs, and he was on my back, and he pulled my head back like this, my hair.
It was like, no good.
Were you red like this color that you are?
It was terrible.
When I got it at NYU, I thought it might be like acid.
So, I thought, am I disfigured?
Am I going to be the elephant man forever?
The answer is yes.
And then I tasted pepper in my mouth and I was like, hallelujah.
Caps temper.
Yeah.
The second I got that pepper taste.
But it really does reboot your hard drive.
It's like you don't know what's up or down.
And every time I see these fucking cunts stealing piles of clothes from Target and stuff and Macy's, I go, no one wants to touch them because they don't want to get arrested for violence or they don't want to get sued.
Just a little boop.
Just a little toot.
Just squirt them.
Oh, yeah.
I love that audience applause.
The audience ironically doesn't like the audience noise.
Let's scoot this over here.
Check this out.
We've got a guy who wants to talk about the bottom one.
We got to read that one.
Well, we don't have to read anything that's under $100.
Gavin, you should have the same guest every Thursday moving forward.
He's nice to look at.
Oh, Dick Man.
Hello.
Who's that?
Is that Tim or Maddie?
Who's hotter?
Who do you guys think is hotter?
We'll do a poll.
I like Tim.
He's got that brother.
Ryan looks gross tonight with his Jesse Lee Peterson impression.
Yep.
That tie is jarring.
I didn't do that.
Dick Man, if you're on patrol and we already did that.
I like that fantasy clip of your Latin Asian hybrid wannabe Jamie, like Ryan on Latina, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
The downer approach to drinking has been a game changer since I had my firstborn and bought a business that requires client entertainment 50% of the time.
Gotcha, dude.
That sucks.
By the way, speaking of sales guys, your sales guy has to go out at lunch with clients and at dinner at clients, and he needs to be fat.
He needs to be able to drink half a bottle of bourbon, vodka, whatever, a day.
And it's a talent I don't have.
It's a talent Shane Smith had.
God bless his cotton socks.
It's not easy.
In fact, a lot of successful companies will have to send their ad sales guy to rehab about once a year because it just gets too much.
They actually brought ENT back in the tax code, too, so you could write it all off.
Good.
For the entertainment of travel.
So to be clear, folks at home, the downer approach is a thing I invented.
It's an acronym and it stands for D. Excuse me.
Don't cock block.
O, only 14 hours.
So you start at noon.
You cannot go past 2 a.m.
I actually would like to shrink that now that I'm getting older to 12.
12 to 12 seems like a lot of fucking drinking.
W, water of plenty.
N.
We know what N stands for.
Forgetting N.
Oh, I'm not.
What is N?
Oh, I don't.
And N is never after 3.
I think it was 4 for a while, but let's cut the shit.
Nothing good happens after 3 a.m.
E, eat your dinner.
I know you're not hungry.
You're high on Coke and booze, but just get a cheeseburger in there somehow.
Rape yourself.
And then R, regulate your bumps.
Do you really want to do cocaine right now?
Is it really?
Are you dying for a bump?
Like, I understand if you're tired and you didn't get any sleep the night before and you got to drive or you got I'm encouraging drunk driving or you got to like get up and get the train and you're like I don't have it in me I could see a bump for that but if you're already up and you've already killed your buzz with with Coke why have another bump so regulate your bumps um For the last year, my drinking could probably be considered excessive.
I'm not out partying, but my wife and I love a cocktail hour after the kiddo is asleep, and I have a hard time hitting the off button.
I've noticed that if I have a drink in the early afternoon or even with lunch, followed by a meal or a break period, I have no desire to drink when I get home.
I wish I could share those characteristics.
On the other hand, if I stay sober all day and get home after a stressful day at the office, I tend to drink as fast and as much as I can.
I'm beginning to think that it would be better and easier to have a glass of wine with lunch with clients than shut it down in the afternoon.
What is your take, Andor experience with this approach?
Well, I really appreciate the dudes at our local bar who leave at 3 p.m.
Yeah, we're day drinking.
I'm more of a day drinker now.
You had an altercation recently.
Yeah.
Two I want to talk to you about.
Oh.
One, you got in a fight at the post office.
What was that about?
Yeah.
Some fucking.
What do you call it?
A mail Karen?
Yeah.
Amarin.
Whatever they call a mail, Karen.
I'm a lawyer.
I was like, I don't give a fuck what you are.
So how did it all start?
I was with Uncle Bill, Million Dollar Bill.
Unreliable.
I was going to mail something out to my buddy in Las Vegas.
And I'm waiting for at a stop sign by the post office by our local.
And a guy gets in his car.
You're supposed to back out of it.
So I'm sitting there.
And the guy's like sitting in there 20, you know, couple of, a minute and a half, two minutes.
I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing?
So did he start reversing out of the spot?
No, he just got in.
I fucking hate this.
Get in your car, get out of there.
What are these people doing?
Getting in their cars, and then they're just like noodling around.
So the window was open.
I was like, motherfucker, you getting out of the fucking way or what?
So Bill goes, oh, this car pulled out.
So I pull up in front and I get out and I'm walking up the steps to the post office.
The guy goes, you know, you really need to watch your language.
So I was like, excuse me?
He's like, yeah.
All the profanity and stuff.
I said, who the fuck are you?
You my father?
And he goes, no, you really need to start.
I go, dude.
Whoa.
He goes, what do you want to do about it?
He goes, it'll take about five seconds.
I says.
Wait, he said, what do you want to do about it?
It'll take about five seconds.
Meaning, I will knock you out in five seconds.
Do yourself a favor.
Go on your way.
Mind your business.
So I walk into the post office.
I come out.
He's still sitting outside.
Okay, whoa, stop.
Airbrakes.
Airbrakes.
What did this person look like?
What is his height?
What is his ethnicity?
On a car with each other?
White?
What class?
Upper middle class, middle class?
Upper middle class.
Probably, well, he was a lawyer in our area.
Lawyer man.
Okay.
Is he wearing a suit?
No, no.
He's casual clothes.
Martha's Vineyard, Paddock.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love that.
The tubing.
Orvis, all that stuff.
Moccasins.
Maddie, what kind of car was he driving?
I don't know.
But he comes walking up the stairs and he goes, it'll take five seconds.
I said, do yourself a favor, dude.
Because now there's all the people in the post office.
I'm standing in the door to the post office.
I was like, do yourself a favor.
Get away from me or wait outside.
So I go in the post office.
I do what I do.
He goes outside, goes over to my vehicle, and starts harassing Bill.
Oh, my God.
What's he saying to Bill?
He's like, this car is double.
I was in double park.
I was blocking the driveway a little bit, but I said, he just like, Bill's like, who the fuck are you?
The fucking parking police?
He's like, it's not my vehicle.
I'm not moving it.
So, you know, Bill, you know, he's out there.
Where the fuck are you?
Yeah.
So he goes, I'm not moving the vehicle.
So I come out and he's on the phone.
He's like, I'm on the phone with the police.
The police?
I go, I don't care who you call.
What's the charge?
And he goes, double parking.
He took pictures of your license plate.
So I said, that's great.
So I take my phone, I go like this.
And he goes, Did you just take a picture of me?
Because if you did, I'm going to destroy your phone.
I said, He comes walking over.
He's like, Did you, you took a picture of me?
Let me see your phone.
I go, I'm not.
No.
What time of day is this?
12:30, 1 o'clock.
What the?
Where does he get the hubris?
So I go, You just told me you filmed me.
You took pictures of my license plate.
You're telling me it's illegal to take your picture?
I said, You have no expectation of privacy in public.
Go fuck yourself.
So he goes, Did you take my picture?
I said, It's none of your fucking business what I did.
I said, Go wait for the fucking police to come.
He's like, Oh, I got your plate.
I don't care.
What are you going to do with it?
Take a picture, put it on the internet, put it on neighbors, but this guy's an asshole yelling and screaming.
He goes, You know, I go, dude, do yourself a favor.
Go home and fuck your wife.
I said, Because this is not going to end well.
And I don't feel like sitting in prison in jail for you.
Again, you should have added it again so he knew it was a pattern.
Oh, I just had to walk away from him.
And he's just on the phone.
I'm like, dude.
So then that same day, I think, you had beef with Bill, your passenger.
Oh, yeah.
I heard at the bar, you were like holding up your phone, going, Look, this is bullshit.
Yeah.
You fucking, you say you had gallstones.
You're lying.
Your gallstones would have passed by now.
He's got a thing now.
He just doesn't answer the phone.
Okay.
He's like, oh, I put it on silent.
I go, no.
I said, you answered me twice today.
I said, now when I, so that I fucked around, I said, Bill, I said, the fucking cops got me pulled over.
Because he was like, yo, yo, fuck that guy.
He's like, you know, if they call the cops or whatever.
I go.
So he's not picking up the phone.
I'm calling him, call him, call him.
And Bill hates that.
That's the worst thing you could do to him.
Yeah.
That put him in the middle of the day.
I noticed.
I remember he's in a group text and he's like, I swear to God, I'm going to kill myself.
Yeah.
So I just, so now I'm doing it just out of spite.
Just calling.
As soon as his voicemail picks up, hang up, redial.
Hang up, redial.
So then I text him.
I said, Bill, I go, the fucking cops got me pulled over.
They dragging me out of the car.
Call me.
It's an emergency.
No, nothing.
He said he was watching the fucking soccer game.
Soccer.
At home or at the bar?
At our local.
Huh.
So that's, you gave him shit for that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Was this the same day as the lawyer?
Yeah.
So is it possible you were still so pumped from the lawyer accusation that you were like ready to kill Bill or anyone else who got in your way?
He came with me.
And he was so, he was like, dude, he's like, go park the van.
We'll put it in that parking lot where he parks.
And he goes, and I'll drive you home.
Why?
You're drunk with rage?
I was pretty livid.
That guy had my fucking balls twisted.
And I was like, if you just grabbed him by the throat, would you do time for that?
Yeah, it's assault.
That would be assault.
But what if you gave him the first punch?
You said, good news.
I'm going to put my hands behind my back.
You got the first punch.
Because when he said it would only take five seconds, I said, go ahead and take your shot.
I said, I said, one of my favorites, I said, there's nothing but air and opportunity.
He looks at me.
I said, that's all that stands between me and you.
Air and opportunity.
You said you're going to take five seconds.
Let's go.
Juicy.
And then he's like, no, you take it.
You swing.
I said, dude, you ain't baiting me into this.
Because at the end of the day, if I get another assault chart, I mean, I don't get no bail.
No.
Even though there's no bail.
Because once they run.
My fingerprints in the NCI see it comes up and says that I have multiple and triple I arrests.
So then the local judge can't give me a bail.
Has to be a Supreme Court judge.
Let's open the phone lines and the mail and the mail bag.
Not to be confused with the scrotum.
You are on air.
You don't have a conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It's great from you.
Bye-bye.
All right, next call.
Bye-bye.
That's true.
Yay liked your Donald Trump in person.
I think it's safe to say he loved it.
Did he give you a big smile when he shook your hand, or was that just me?
I don't know.
He didn't like your sway.
He didn't seem to care.
No, he did.
He was like, why'd you learn how to do that, though?
He's got such a weird.
He's a real N. He's from the south side of Chicago.
He's not a rich kid.
He's a real N.
And yet his voice is like this, hi, what are you guys doing?
Well, no, it is.
It's a little, it's a little deeper than that.
But.
Do you think he over-annunciates on purpose?
Maybe.
Or maybe he's been out of the hood so long he's got a new accent.
Papa's got a brand new accent.
Weren't his parents highly educated?
Teachers.
I mean, what does that mean in this day and age?
Okay.
35, 45 grand south side of Chicago?
Yeah, retarded.
You heard what the.
Oh, wait, this was really funny.
Our very own Josh LeCoch.
Oh, yeah, this is fucking amazing.
So Kanye West, he got his honorary degree rescinded by Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
Wait, wait, wait.
What goes on with your brain?
By Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
School of Chicago.
What is with this guy's garbage mind?
I read what you're doing.
We just got a key into how Brian, Brian, how Ryan's brain works.
Rescinded by Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
So you're dyslexic, dude.
I did read that.
I knew I was reading that.
I'm dyslexia.
Can we get an expert in here to analyze him?
I literally don't have dyslexia.
Is there a PDF that you can fill out to see if you're dyslexic?
I'm not listestic.
I've done so.
This is what this guy says here.
Something like this happened to someone else and bad things happened after.
There was another guy who was rejected by the art community, and it didn't go well for Europe.
Correct.
Yeah.
You hear what the Mexicans are saying about Ye?
It's just starting to catch up in the Latino community.
The Latino?
Yeah.
What are they saying?
Mostly they're saying like, ayay.
Ayayay.
Ayyay.
Come on, dog.
Question for.
So we're doing mailbag stuff, right?
Question for Maddie.
Okay.
What is your favorite prison movie and which one is the most realistic based on your own experiences?
Favorite prison movie.
Well, what are there?
Face-off?
I mean, Sorchik Redemption is a prison movie.
Yes.
That's a really good one.
What is the one, the Spanish one?
It's about the creation of the Mexican mafia.
The girl from Ipanina prison?
No.
With the white Hispanic dude?
Yeah, with the white guy, the bald guy.
Yeah.
What the hell is the name of that?
How old is it?
Was that me?
Me was in it?
Yeah, something me?
Yeah, something about me.
White bald guy.
American me?
American me.
American me?
Something like that.
You're not into prison movies.
What about Bad Boys with Sean Penn from the early 80s?
Remember that one?
That was you don't like prison movies.
It's like John Conor McGregor's coach is going to be in New York.
And I said, ooh, you should come by my gym.
And he's like, I don't want to go to a gym.
It's like when British people are visiting, you go, ooh, I know this pub.
It's got authentic scotch eggs and fish and chips.
And like, I had that this morning.
I don't want to go to that.
That's so true.
That's so true.
So funny.
So true.
I think that was an American me.
And then what was it?
So answer the question: Is there a prison movie that you like, Shot Collar?
I don't think I've ever seen it.
I like Shore Shank Redemption.
It's probably my favorite.
Yeah, I don't think you watch prison movies the way we do.
We're voyeurs.
Like, I like to watch war movies because I pretend.
I want to pretend I know what it's like over there.
You don't have to pretend, so you're not interested.
Every time I see that 60 Days In or something like that, I'll stop it and watch it and just laugh because it's like the local county lockup and the shit that goes on.
It's just like, yeah, I dealt with all that bullshit.
But Shore Shank Redemption is probably because he escapes and gets away.
Yeah, that's the best part.
They said only 5% of the people deserve to be there.
And by the way, only 5% of people should be educated in secondary education.
Yeah.
I'm obsessed with the numbers 95-5.
Everything seems to be 95-5.
Also, I was talking to a British guy today, and he brought up something that I had never thought of before.
He's like, hold on a minute.
Hold the phone.
Why is every referendum 50-50?
The Quebec separatist referendum was like 51.49.
We just did Walker and Warlock.
That was like 51.49.
Yeah, it was close.
When Scotland wanted to separate, it was like 51.49.
Doesn't this sound like they're lying to us?
Why is everything exactly half and half?
Well, Zeldin was 30%.
Zeldon.
I don't know if that counts.
That's like a super fucking blue state because of New York City.
Yeah.
But other things, anything that's remotely swing always seems to be exactly 50-50.
Why is that?
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
That's what Andy told me.
What are those weird skin tags on your face?
They're cookie.
They're cookie crisp.
Cookie crisp?
Jesus.
Now, back in the day there was a...
Wait, you're a cookie?
Well, I'll explain.
I was on a field trip with a high school.
We went to this science lab, and I wandered off.
Do you mind if I take a piss while you explain this?
Go ahead.
Sure.
A friend of mine named Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive spider.
He then accumulated a bunch of powers that are similar to the sorts of traits spiders have.
Climbing on walls, shooting webs, and such.
Now, me, on the other hand, I got bit by a radioactive cookie crisp, and it turned my face into a delicious chocolatey cereal enjoyed best with milk.
And that's my story.
And I'd like to tell you that Peter Parker got away with it that day, but he didn't.
He was raped by those people.
And it was very bad.
And that's all I've got to say about that.
Anybody else got any smart, cute questions for cookie crisps?
Guys, are you cleaning the toilet seat when you spray on it with your dicks?
When you have any kind of discharge, you have to take the toilet paper and do a scoop.
Yeah.
Okay.
There seemed to be a lot of spray.
Now, you know what I mean?
If you, what is it?
Tinkle when you winkle.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.
Liquor before beer, have no fear.
I don't believe that shit.
Me neither.
I don't believe all that shit about, like, don't mix your drinks.
I think it's if you're mixing wine and bourbon, you're out partying and you got wasted.
It's not that you dare to combine wine and bourbon.
It's because you're at a party situation where you're drinking wine and bourbon.
Dirty pop.
Yeah.
What?
Terrible.
It's an N-Sync song.
Here's your microphone.
Do you want to catch it?
Yep.
I'm going to have to shoot it forward.
Nice.
Catch fuck.
Boxing instincts.
I'm a regular degrunt.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm impressed you know.
Verlander.
We got Verlander.
Zoolander.
What he can't make a left.
Okay, last letter before we take calls.
Groomer event being crashed by Proud Boys this Saturday.
So then you click on it.
Proud Boys love fucking Telegram.
I hate Telegram.
Hold on.
I was nowhere near that.
Join us Sunday, December 11th for a holiday-themed drag brunch at Switchward Brewing.
Doors will be open at 10 a.m.
Love.
Please make sure these things are all ages before you crash them.
It's at a brewery, right?
The queens are excited to do a meet and greet time following the show as well.
Brunch ends at 2 p.m.
Allow us to reset for the afternoon.
The show will feature five amazing queens, all performing unique numbers.
Switch art is all ages.
Okay, all bets are off.
Wow.
And this show is as well.
Kids ages five and under are free.
What?
Free to stay home?
Disgusting.
What's Brick City?
New Jersey.
Is that New Jersey?
Newark.
It's the nickname for.
So I think it's really important, guys.
I know I say this every time.
Don't say faggot.
Don't make it about gay.
You obviously wouldn't care if you found out someone reading the kids happened to be gay.
It's that they are sexual beings.
They're dressed like strippers.
We don't want sexuality around kids.
Obviously.
No one gives a flying fuck about a drag club in Chelsea that has crazy parties till 4 in the morning.
Okay.
Get up to your old tricks there, homos.
Now, if you notice, they spelt meet and greet, M-E-A-T.
What does that tell you?
That you're a cookie.
Cookie crisp.
I'm cooking for cookie crisp.
Andy?
Let's take a call.
You want to be the milk to my cereal there, Alabaster Skin?
Well, I do.
Well, let's get a bowl and start getting tussling.
Yeah, let's get in it.
Dickman, would you like to be the spoon?
Well, all right.
Maddie?
I'm good.
You want to do the dipping?
You want to be the giant hand that scoops us up?
Sure.
Now, where's the mouth?
We need a fourth person.
Have a party.
Right, Catsu Rivera.
Oh, yeah.
Get that young boy.
He's over here to the right.
It's not me.
We have calls.
Let's check it out.
So we did some troubleshooting.
Hopefully everything goes smooth.
If not, I'll commit suicide live on air.
9.05.
You're on the live.
Big fucking tits.
Big fucking tits.
Yeah, I'm gonna come.
So, Gavin, as a man of many hemorrhoids, I have a question.
Have you ever pooped blood?
Oh, yeah.
A million times.
Amateur.
Is it like, does it make a toilet bowl look like a shark attack happened?
Yeah, it's a different kind of blood, too.
Anal blood.
It's like very, very black.
But I found a cure for hemorrhoids.
Did I tell you about this?
I don't think so.
No.
Do you have them?
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
I've been shitting blood for like a week or two now, so I've been getting a little concerned.
Wait a minute.
I don't think it's hemorrhoids, dude.
I think you're dying.
I sure hope not.
I hope the doctor will tell me tomorrow.
I think black blood is bad.
Yeah, different.
That goes through your digestive system.
Yeah, no, black blood.
When I talk about, when you have blood from hemorrhoids, it's because the hemorrhoid burst.
So it's like one session, not a week.
It should be red.
Is it red?
Like regular blood?
Yeah, like regular blood would be.
Hello?
Is it red?
Sorry?
It's like very bright red.
And from what I read online, if it's like dark, that means it's like higher up in your digestive tract.
And the brighter it is, the lower it is.
So it's pretty bright, so I'm not.
So whatever it is, it's lower in the tract.
Okay.
That sounds real bad, dude.
If I were you, I would go out tonight and party my ass off because you're dying.
Literally, your ass off.
Well, if I don't call it next week, you'll know what happened.
I'm trying to find it on my phone, though.
I got this stuff.
It was $100 on Amazon.
And it's like this, I think it's free in Russia, but it's like anal flaked or something.
It's this foam you put on.
Britney Griner's free in Russia.
Oh, I remember you talked about that on Compound Censored, but it was still like en route.
Yeah, well, I got it, and it was super awesome.
I don't know why it's not fucking coming up here.
Maybe I'll just text my brother and ask him what it was.
Well, I'll call my wife.
All right, thanks for calling, dude.
Does it work for your face?
Asking for a friend.
Let's call my wife.
I've been getting into talking to her.
We're speaking again.
210, just wait a second.
Wait a second, 210.
Hello?
Hey, can you do me a favor and go into my bathroom, not the basement, but the one with our kids?
And show me that hemorrhoid medicine.
It's called like rhinoplasty or something.
You want me to take a picture of it?
No, just tell me what it's called.
Okay.
Is this making you horny at all or no?
And you're on speaker.
Okay.
You don't get horny on speaker?
Johnny, have you seen dads coming with red cream?
What?
My hemorrhoid cream.
You don't know anything about my life.
You don't care about me.
It's always about you.
Is it for temporary relief of pain and itching?
Just say the name.
It's called Preparation H. Proctofoam.
Yeah, Proctofoam.
X, the hemorrhoid cream.
Yep.
Alrighty.
Yeah, Proctofoam.
Dude, $100 on Amazon.
I know that's insane.
It lasts for your life, though.
And it really helps blast them.
Does it come out like moose where you like squirrel it and it's like shh?
Yeah.
Before I had hemorrhoids, I was like, hemorrhoids, who fucking cares?
And then after I got them, every time I see someone who's had hemorrhoids, I'm like.
A friend of mine just got surgery for his hemorrhoids.
That's gay.
Is it?
Yeah.
Take it like a man.
We got 210 on the len.
Go ahead, 210.
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hey, Gab, what's up?
Hey, by the way, this isn't my thing, but that dude has polyps.
That's not, I don't think it's anything serious.
He has polyps in his stomach.
That sounds more reasonable.
A hemorrhoid is a turgid vein that falls out your ass and is handing there.
You're not going to shit blood all week.
It's going to pop.
And then the blood will be gone.
It's like a zit, a blood zit.
It's an anal blood zit.
By the way, anal blood zit are playing at Mercury Lounge Friday if you guys want to go.
I know the basist.
Okay, so my thing why I'm calling, I don't know if this bothers you guys at all, but it fucking furiates me when people end a sentence with the word right and they're not asking you a question.
And I see this on like the young Turks all the time.
Like fucking Chanki says this shit all the time.
Why do you watch the Young Turks?
For juicy gossip.
But yeah, like I don't know.
Have you ever noticed that?
Is that a thing to you?
Yeah, I think people who are slightly autistic have ticks and they say, you know what I'm saying?
Or right.
And they end sentences with certain things.
I could learn to be annoyed by that.
I don't know if I'm that mad about it.
Oh, you grew up in Canada, eh?
Yeah.
I grew up in Canada where A and fuck ended every sentence.
Fuck.
No, wait.
I think it's because to me, I'm in sales, and I do that as like a way to get them to agree with me.
So it's kind of this little sneaky trick.
But I think it, to me, why it annoys me so much when other people do it, because they're obviously just in normal conversation.
But it annoys me because it's like they're not confident with what they're saying, right?
Whoa!
You know, like I just did it right there.
You just did it.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean, that was a good thing.
All right, thanks for calling.
I don't want to talk about this.
It reminds me, though, of something that does fucking piss me off.
And that is that a man who thinks he's a lesbian, who has a dick, was going to Russia to play women's basketball, which he should not be playing because that's for women.
And he was playing it in Russia, which also is kind of annoying because it's like, shouldn't Russian basketball just be Russians?
Why are we importing dudes to play female roles?
And as he's packing his bags, he's like, I like getting high.
Let me throw some of my fucking pot vape sticks in my bag.
Just without a second thought.
Probably an element of privilege in there, which is like I'm a sports star and no one checks me.
And I'm kind of like a diplomat.
That's kind of what I am.
And he imported a drug into a country that is very intolerant towards drug use.
And so he got arrested.
He was looking at nine years.
Now, I don't like Russia getting our citizens.
That annoys me, no matter how shitty they are.
This guy was constantly taking a knee and talking about how much America sucks.
So he would sleep like a baby if I was arrested and thrown in prison in Russia.
But I shouldn't let that affect how I feel about this thing.
So I do like the idea of America.
Like I know if Trump, if it was Trump, he'd be like, we're getting her back.
Get her over here.
Her.
But the fucking deal that Biden did where he released Victor Bout, basically Tony Stark of Russia, a major war criminal.
And why did this happen?
Because we're woke.
She's a black lesbian with dreads, and it's good for the black vote.
So we did whatever they told us.
Why is Paul Whelan?
You know who Paul Whelan is?
He's a Marine.
He was kind of nefarious in his past.
I think he stole like 10 grand or something.
He did some bad stuff back when he was in the Marines.
That's why he was dishonorably discharged.
They don't hire those kind of guys as spies, by the way.
If you have a criminal record, no.
But he was doing IT security for some like, I don't know, shipping company or some bullshit, some normal thing.
He knew a bunch about a Russian FBI agent, whatever the FBI is over there, the FDS.
And I think that FDS agent, what's it called?
It's not FDS.
It's FSB.
I think the FSB agent was like, get rid of him.
He knows too much about me.
I got drunk and I told him too much.
So they're like, fine, 16 years.
So he's rotting in prison, an innocent man, ex-petty thief.
And we ignore him and we get the black chick, who I'm convinced is not a chick.
What a catastrophe.
A few fucking cartridges thrown in a bag.
And we have this guy.
On November 21st, 2011, Bout was convicted in a jury in a Manhattan federal court of conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens and officials, delivery of anti-aircraft missiles, and providing aid to a terrorist organization.
He was sentenced to a minimum of 25 years imprisonment because the crime was due to the sting operation.
And then we have Paul Whelan.
Proof that he's innocent is former CIA officers have stated that the CIA would not recruit an officer with Whelan's military record, nor leave an officer exposed without a diplomatic passport.
They further claim that Whelan's arrest is connected to tensions between Russia and the United States, including the detention of confessed unregistered foreign agent Maria Boutina, who was a spy.
On December 20th, 2018, when discussing Boutina's arrest, Russian President Vladimir Putin stated that Russia will not arrest innocent people simply to exchange them.
Oh, okay.
So I guess he's not doing it because he said he wasn't doing it.
Like, what the fuck's the matter with this country?
If someone's cool and famous and fits the woke narrative, we exchange war criminals to merchant them out.
What?
He's nicknamed the merchant of death.
The merchant of death.
Now, as far as death and murder goes, he does seem kind of cool.
He's got a killer mustache.
Yeah, he does look like in a movie.
If he was a bad guy, I'd be like, that's a cool bad guy.
However, when it comes to reality and fucking anti-aircraft missiles meant to destroy us, and we just leave this guy, this 2.5, the Daily Mail article, we just leave him there to rot because, let's be honest, it's because he's a white male.
He's not as sexy.
I don't understand why I'm still sitting here.
My bags are packed.
Devastated Paul Whelan breaks his silence from Russian penal colony.
So he's in a labor camp as his brother slams his catastrophic exclusion from Brittany Grenier prisoner swap.
Jesus.
The fuck?
That is just wild.
I mean, I'd be less mad if a war criminal got out and we got two.
The left is so bad at prison negotiations.
Remember the Iran deal with Barack Obama?
Not that there's another Barack.
And we ended up giving them $4 billion as a thank you for giving us some fucking innocent people that were imprisoned.
All right, let's go behind the paywall.
These people have been freeloading long enough.
It's time to take back the power.
By the way, I noticed a bunch of people were mad at us for keeping the yay interview behind the paywall.
What?
What?
Do you think you deserve free content?
That made us $120,000, by the way.
We got 1,200 subs.
We had to fly down there.
I'm not making everything free.
Are you mad when you go to McDonald's and shit isn't free?
We got to pay money for this shit.
And the people that pay for it.
Like when we get something real nice that they're like, hey, you got to do it.
Yeah, I want to show them respect because they subscribe to the network.
So I'm not going to fucking make everything cool free.
No.
And you'll notice, by the way, when you get business tips, it's from people who have nothing going on in their own business life.
They're like, you should be on YouTube for free.
Just give it away.
I should blow you.
Guys, the cure to hemorrhoids is a steady metamucil or asylum regimen.
I take 25 minimum silicapsules per day.
What?
And I don't have to wipe anymore.
Helps with hangovers too.
A good shit cleans out the colon.
That allows for more water absorption.
I mean, I guess I'll try it.
That seems gross.
Get these slimy shits dripping out of your ass all day.
And what's the second one there?
Did we already do that?
That was them with the downer.
So we're going behind the paywall now.
We're sticking around.
Subscribers, stick around.
Don't be disheartened.
Nuggles, who is what we call people who don't subscribe.
We tried Muggles, but we got sued by Harry Potter.
Nuggles, this is our goodbye.
We'll see you next week.
And until then, get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave and never stop fighting.
Who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?
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