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Dec. 9, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:09:31
GOML LIVE #175 - JOKER'S WILD (Part 1)

Ryan makes his suit worth it by become a gay Joker the whole show.

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Time Text
I'd like to propose a toast.
I said toast, motherfucker!
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
I said toast, motherfucker! motherfucker!
Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn Live on Censored.TV.
I'd like to welcome my co-hosts, Tim Dickman.
Hello.
And Matty O'Dell.
What's up, everybody?
That was Fancy Feast, a husband and wife team from Chicago covering Yay!
He has a mononym, yay now.
Kanye West, that was what, 214?
2014, that song, that album, College Dropout.
I remember being really mad that my kid's public school had his book in the library.
Cause there's a chapter in it called the College Dropout.
No, the Dropout.
And it's written in kid text.
It's like, you know, quarter inch high font.
And my kids are being taught that it's good to drop out.
It is good to drop out, but you don't tell them that.
It's like Santa.
Uh, as you know, this show goes free for the first half hour or so.
And then we go behind the paywall.
We take super chats here to raise money for Max and John.
I think we're at 23 grand.
We have a new fundraiser coming out.
What are you doing over there?
Nothing.
Could you be dressed worse?
Yes.
I could be wearing... You could be wearing abortions, I guess.
I could be wearing abortions.
I could be wearing actual shit.
You could be wearing something racist.
That's the worst thing in the world.
I could be wearing something sexist, homophobic.
You look like a friend of a Batman villain who sells candy.
So the Joker's like, we're gonna get him, boys.
And I'm like, yeah, I'll sell them candy.
It'll be poison candy with razor blades.
Yeah, that's your role.
Why do you dress up like that?
But then I have an arc where I doubt what I'm doing, where I'm like... Maybe the Batman's right, boss.
He's like, what did you say?
And I'm like... You know, when I grew up, I always thought that...
I would be a dockhand like my dad.
And I joined you, Joker, because pretty good digs.
But this Batman, he stands up for what's right.
And then he kills me in front of all the other henchmen, and I'm like a tragic thing that you showed.
I like that part.
That's my favorite part of this story.
Nothing wrong with that.
Because I died.
Can you fast forward to that part next time you tell this story?
You'd be sad if I died.
You'd all be sad.
Yeah, you'd probably lie at your bed at night and imagine your funeral and imagine people crying.
No, I haven't planned my funeral unlike you, who's like, oh, I want a funeral that's a party.
I have a cool funeral plan.
Remember when my daughter was like four, she goes, I can't remember how it came up, but she was talking about if she died, and she's like, then I would die and you'd have a funeral, and I go, yeah, I guess.
I don't want to talk about this.
Yeah, it's kind of morbid, but.
And then she goes, and she just bursts out crying, she goes, Would you be so sad?
Yes, I'd be pretty upset if you died, toddler.
By the way, look at Tim's totally in focus shoes.
Oh dude, everyone said last week you had shit on the bottom of your shoe.
Oh, is that why they were asking me about my boots?
Yeah.
That's possible.
He's out of focus though.
Okay.
We'll fix this together.
Yeah, he looks like a low-res JPEG.
That looks like when you're researching someone who wrote an inflammatory article about Proud Boys and you're like, who the fuck is this person?
And then you Google it and you get one, on page three you get a low-res JPEG and you're like, you don't really exist.
76 megapixels.
Megapixels No 76 by 76 What the fuck This is the dumbest outfit you've ever worn.
Dude, if you're wearing a plaid suit, then everything else has to be bare bones, nothing like a white shirt and a black tie.
It's very busy.
You don't wear a candy tie and a turquoise pocket square, you freak.
No, it's well, it's supposed to be festive, like a very, very festive.
You look like a party clown at a children's birthday party.
Well, I'm not that.
Oh, touche.
Well, you can't see the pants.
I need a fashion pants.
Yeah, dark.
Your blazer's always gotta be darker than your pants.
What are you carrying in your hand there?
My seat.
Some people at the edge of my seat.
I have the seat by the edge.
Alright, let's stop talking to that person.
Yeah, the opening band was Fancy Feast.
Husband and wife team from Chicago.
Great guys.
They probably would be mortified to know that they're introducing this show, but he's got a good song called I'm Sick of My Wife.
I wonder if they're still around.
This is obviously a long time ago.
They did the cover of an album that's from 2014.
Eight years, yeah.
That's around when Nick was calling my show about yay, and now yeah Nick Nick is running yeas He's kind of like you know what I don't want to disparage yay, but Nick in the air kind of like master blaster and They kind of run barter town Nice hmm.
That's the funniest thing I've ever said, but okay.
I'll give you guys like an hour to digest Is he the his campaign manager or I He's kind of what?
Ye is an artist, right?
Yes.
So when he talks about stuff, it's very floral and ethereal and subjective.
And then Nick will come in and go, well, actually, you know, they were there and then the borders of Israel in 1974 were not what they were today.
I mean, they're encroaching on Gaza and he'll fill in the gaps.
So it's actually a formidable force, those two.
He's the yang to the yang.
Yeah.
Ping pong.
Now we have no ad reads tonight because our sales guy, uh, not only is fired, but I think may have been ripping us off.
I have to speak.
I have to tread lightly because we may end up in court, but I have a feeling that our sponsors have been paying him and not, it's not translating over to the big guys upstairs.
So we have some weird hippie with the giant beard that goes down to his crotch.
Uh, cause he's a friend of mine handling the sales thing, but I don't think people in the business world understand how incredibly rare sales is as a gift.
It is an albino talent.
And if you have a sales guy, you got a company.
Why was vice so big?
I'm not going to lie.
Shane Smith.
Sure.
I had some quirky takes for the content, but if there's no sales dude there selling it, You're making a fanzine and it's big in Montreal.
You're the funniest guy in Montreal.
Cool.
Way to go.
Rooster, my ad agency.
If I didn't have that sales guy, I don't even want to say his name because I don't want to sully his reputation, but he's the one who made us the millions.
Even with this, with Censored.TV, there is of course the incredible sales prowess of Ryan.
Just kidding, he's retarded.
It's a different guy.
Damn you, McInnes!
But our sales dude was not a good sales dude, and I fired him, and I think he was still taking checks, so...
It's good for you, because you have no ad sales tonight.
We should get it back.
It's not that much money, though.
Wait, hold on a second.
Matty?
Yes?
You okay?
Are you sad, Matty?
No, I was in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
Oh, did you eat one of the- You fucking idiot!
He told you not to go into that vat!
I know.
Come on, guys!
Matty, Matty, Matty.
Always, I want it now, Daddy.
I want a new Palumpa.
Well, I hope you fucking learned your lesson.
Veruca.
You look like a damn... The rules were very clear when you walked into that factory, but no!
Fucking, yeah, give me the fucking thing.
Mr. Ex-con had to break the rule!
I'm not good at following the rules or the law.
Well, I hope you like being blue, da-ba-dee-da-ba-di.
Gonna take me to the juicing bin.
We're also wearing our I Don't Break for Queefs shirts.
Yes.
This comes from the concept of you're making love to a lady and she has a vaginal fart.
Would you stop and go, whoa, what was that?
No, you would not.
Nope.
You plow through queefs without a second thought.
Just air getting in there.
Yep.
And it goes back to my hatred of jokey songs.
Art, sex, they should be serious.
Sacred.
You should not be riffing during intercourse.
You can riff immediately after.
You can roll off and be like, I think that one took, if you're trying to get your wife pregnant.
But during the act, no jokes.
Queefs are fine.
Also, I would like to announce the Hi-Viz shirts are coming in time for Christmas.
The reason I haven't sent them up until today is because I'm a cheap asshole.
And it was the dumbest thing I've ever done.
I said, send me your high-vis tees and I'll send you one of ours.
So now I have 40 boxes of high-vis tees, which I don't wear.
I don't want.
That was dumb of me.
I can't.
It gets into the Larper Valley where I'm not a high-vis guy.
So I look like a fucking idiot.
So they're just sitting in my closet.
And now I have to pay, I'm going to say $1,300.
I'm gonna say $1,300 sending you back the shirts you sent me.
Let's call it advertising.
I don't know.
It was not.
This is why you need a good sales guy to tell you, no, don't do that.
That's a bad investment.
So you'll be getting those.
It happened because Josh Denny, when I was in LA, he was talking about this dude who ripped off everyone who contributed to his thing.
He's like, yeah, he said he was going to send them this shit and didn't do it.
And I was like, holy fuck, that's me.
I did that too.
I got to get those high vis tees out before Christmas.
Also, show notes!
$20 a show note plus shipping and handling you Australians are gonna have to pay but uh When I throw the show notes out, I've been saving them.
I'll show you I've got a stack this big So I'll take that to the post office tomorrow send it to our distributor and for 20 bucks You can have the show notes and a hundred percent of the proceeds go to Joe Biggs's trial.
So the super chats are to Max and John and this is to Joe Biggs he To be clear, Joe Biggs is charged for insurrection.
He went to, he had zero plan, I can promise you that.
I can prove it actually.
He went to the Capitol on January 6th, saw the chaos going on.
He enjoyed it, I'm not gonna lie.
He probably loved it.
He thought, this is crazy, holy fuck, it's going down.
Then he went into the building.
After all the damage was done, he went into the building.
I'm not gonna lie, he did trespass.
He went pee-pee.
He pulled out his penis, he circumcised, didn't have to recede his foreskin.
He urinated into a porcelain, sort of a bowl shape.
Then he shook it, got a little bit on his hand.
I'm not going to lie.
Four drops.
And then he didn't wash his hands.
He went like this with his piss hand, as we are wont to do.
It's a Proud Boys thing.
And then as he walked out of the bathroom, a cop said, dude, can you just get out of here?
This is this is really bad.
And Joe went, all right.
And he walked out.
20 years.
He's facing 20 years in prison for that.
Seems a little intense for a guy who, he's not poor by the way, he was like upper middle class, his parents were very wealthy and after 9-11 he went, I don't want to pursue law or hedge funds, I want to go fight for my country.
So he joined the army and he earned two Purple Hearts.
He got shot at, he went to Afghanistan, he went to Iraq, he had an IED blow up his Hummer We talked about this on the show, where he's in midair looking at a pen in slow motion.
Lands sideways, gets out.
It's still a shootout!
After his Hummer was sent flying, he still had to fucking fight for his life.
But yeah.
He had his VA benefits rescinded.
He doesn't get any money from the VA anymore.
How dare you?
Fuck you.
The trial's not, hasn't even begun and they've, you're guilty till proven innocent.
So start buying those show notes.
They're on the site, censored.tv, um, on the store.
And it is 20 bucks plus shipping and handling.
I've got a million.
For the past year, I've been saving them all.
Also in important news, there's a new Sebastian Maniscalco special out.
Aren't you embarrassed?
Do you deal with Sebastian Maniscalco, Candyman?
Aren't you embarrassed?
I remember, um, I made you and your wife laugh with like a light impression of it, but not really.
I leave that up to Scoops and Figs.
I don't know who that is.
Is that what you call Maddie and Dickman?
Okay, Dickman, let's hear your best Sebastian Maniscalco.
I don't do one.
Well, try.
Wait, you want to hear him first?
Why are you holding the mic like Dave Chappelle?
I'm so cool.
Can you do a Dave Chappelle real quick?
No.
No, I can't do it.
How about Garfield?
Count to five as Dave Chappelle.
Can you do E.T.?
Phone home.
Can you do Ronald Reagan?
Well.
That's one word impressions.
Well.
Well.
You do Anthony Cummings.
Elliot.
Reagan.
If you just move your mouth, I'll make it look like you can do a Dave Chappelle impression.
Okay.
Hey man, it's me, Dave Chappelle.
Listen, I hosted SNL.
It was crazy, man.
I was like, damn!
All these writers and shit.
I had to change my set.
I thought it was too pecant or something.
But I did it anyway.
Mercedes is calling.
That was actually really good Dickman.
An incarcerated individual at San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department.
This call is not private.
It will be recorded and may be monitored.
If you believe this should be a private call, please hang up and follow facility instructions to register this number as a private number to accept this free call.
Press 1 to refuse this.
Thank you for using Securus.
You may start the conversation now.
Hey Mercedes.
Hey Gavin.
What you been up to?
I haven't spoken to you in a while.
Are you living in Rancho Cucamonga?
I am in Rancho Cucamonga.
Well, I wouldn't call it living.
I am currently being held against my will inside of a facility in Rancho Cucamonga.
That is true.
So it's not going great.
I wouldn't say that it's going well.
You know, I was just in L.A.
talking to my new best friend, Kanye West, a.k.a.
Ye, and he's been estranged from his children, and I got a similar vibe that I get from you, which is, fucking kill me.
I don't give a shit what you people do.
Without my kids, I don't really care what happens to me.
That's about right, yeah.
I would say that Ye and I probably share a similar disdain for Western civilization.
So, wait a minute, I didn't know you have a disdain for Western civilization.
Would you like us to be a communist society?
Do you admire China?
No, I did not know that.
So what system do you want?
is actually, was a prominent member of a communist called Politburo.
No, I did not know that.
So what system do you want?
What system is better than capitalism?
Well, actually, you know what?
It's not that I have a problem with capitalism.
It's that we don't have capitalism right now.
We have communism right now.
And that's the problem that I have with Western civilization at this very moment.
Did you know that?
Like, for example, you know, everyone talks about the Squad.
Did you know there was a gang of four under Mao that very much resembles the Squad?
Ilhan Omar, AOC, Rashida Tlaib.
Is it a message?
Like, do these people who do this, do they want to send us clues as a fuck you?
Why is that?
Why are those four idiots given so much preeminence in today's civilization?
Explain this.
Is it a message?
Like, do these people who do this, do they want to send us clues as a "fuck you" or are they trying to hide it?
Well, it almost seems to me like what they're doing is an active communist revolution and it's happening right under our nose as well.
One of the main symptoms of communist revolution is food shortages.
Another one is active dismemberment of the military, which is what we've been seeing ever since Obama.
They've actively dismembered the U.S.
military, and now they're undermining it.
And you have guys like General Milley who seem to focus more on transgender bathrooms in the military than the fact that China, who is communist in name only at this point, has a more active military force than we do.
Yeah, possibly a better Navy.
They actually do have a better Navy.
And ever since we pulled out of Afghanistan, notice that the moment we did that, Russia went full ham on Ukraine.
That's because that area is considered to be the area of the great game since the 19th century.
And whoever doesn't have preeminence there signals that they're weak.
Peter Hofkirk wrote a great series about that.
You must not have a lot of people in Rancho Cucamonga prison to talk to. - I have very, very few people.
You know what?
I'm almost, at this point, like Marcus Aurelius, maybe I'll just write myself a book.
Yeah, you should write a book!
Maybe I will.
Alright, we gotta go Mercedes, we have a lot of ground to cover tonight, but we appreciate when you call during the live show.
Oh, you know what?
Thank you so much for talking to me.
Oh, and also, stop telling people that porn actresses Are just girls who are molested by their fathers.
Most of them didn't have fathers growing up, Gavin.
Okay, I'm sorry.
They were molested by their uncles.
That's not even true!
You know what?
Women who are molested tend to be big fat lesbians.
You're getting this wrong.
What percentage of porn actresses would you say are molested?
You know what?
Actually, not many.
I would say most porn actresses hate their mothers.
That's why, yeah, because women who are porn actresses are women who say, you know what, fuck you to the female establishment.
The female establishment says, oh, you know what, preserve the pussy at any cost and don't let men have any access to it.
That's what the female establishment says.
And most women who are rebels to that become porn actresses.
And those are women who hate their mothers.
That's the truth of it.
Maybe they hate their mothers because their mother let their brother molest them.
It's a completely outdated notion.
Completely outdated.
You're wrong.
Okay.
You're wrong.
I worked in it.
Yes.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
I quit porn and my life is a hundred percent better.
You can quit porn all you want, but I'm telling you that that is an outdated notion.
That's not the reason they do it.
Women who are molested tend to be big fat lesbians who hate men.
Okay.
We'll look into it.
Okay.
Love you.
Bye.
Fuck her, she's never getting on the show again.
Anyone who disagrees with me is X-ed for life.
By the way, folks, still working on the transition from cell phone addiction to the light phone.
It's going okay.
Here's one problem I find.
You come up with an idea and in your notes you can put it in your phone.
Or you can even tell the guy, like, hey, we should open a fast food chain.
You shouldn't be sitting at a deli when you're waiting for a sandwich doing deals.
So I bought this little notebook for four bucks or whatever it cost.
And I'm gonna make notes in this.
So you have an idea at the deli, you put it in here.
Then when you get back to your desk, then you catch up on your ideas.
Fuck this thing.
It is ruining our lives.
You know, the human brain takes in information and remembers it stores in the deep, dark memories of the grooves of your brain.
When you write things down or when you repeat it out loud, Brett Gavin?
Tommy Lee Jones, thanks for coming to the show.
Way easier to commit things to memory, Slick, if you write it down and say it out loud.
You were in the Batman movie as, what, Two-Face or something?
Oh, please don't remind me of that.
That was a terrible, and I mean terrible, role.
But yes, I was, Slick.
So why are you dressed as Joker now?
Or Penguin or whatever the fuck you are?
I'm dressed like Ron Katz Rivera.
A moron?
Now you take that back.
Speaking of Ryan Katsu Rivera, we have footage of him trying to fuck an underage girl.
And it's an unfortunate fate that this man has to play out the video of himself trying to fuck a kid.
And we're ruining his life now.
We're getting him divorced, I guess, and arrested.
But I'm about truth.
And Ryan tried to fuck a kid.
Slick, I doubt it.
Let's check the footage.
None of this looks familiar to me.
Yeah!
That's not me.
Oh, yes it is.
That's... I don't know what that is.
I don't even sound that way.
I think what I said was, what are you trying to do?
So what you want to do?
I think what I said was, what are you trying to do?
What he said was, what are you trying to do?
So what are you trying to do?
What are you trying to do?
Don't matter me.
Don't matter me.
Uh oh, his feet aren't touching the ground.
Yeah, that's you.
No it's not.
- I'm just nervous.
- You're fine?
- Yeah.
- You're fine.
- His feet aren't touching the ground.
- Good.
- Yeah, that's you.
- No, it's not.
No, they're really not touching the ground.
- Dude, if you're gonna go fuck a chick, have matching socks.
If you're gonna try to fuck a chick, don't play the floor is lava.
And don't be retarded.
See, this is my problem with that show.
I love the idea of pedophiles getting swept off the streets, but if you go out there on the internet and you're like, Hi, I'm 13 and I love getting double plugged up my ass and I'm addicted to drinking cum.
Anyway, anyone out there interested?
And you're going to get, out of a thousand people, you're going to get some Ryan Catzee Rivera retard who's like, yeah, I'd like that.
That'd sound nice.
Slick.
I don't know if you've ever seen Ryan Catzee Rivera make his moves, but he is slick like a cougar or tiger.
Slick.
Okay.
All right there, Hoss.
Is this solving crimes or entrapping retards?
How are you helping society right now?
Wow.
Is she filming on her phone too?
Yeah motherfucker.
Haha, retard, you got horny.
Well, I don't think he's of sound mind like you said, like, to make decisions.
No, he's special, dude.
Yeah, he really is.
You've got a special guy, that's not... On the spectrum.
He's on the spectrum for sure.
Spectrum?
He's on the retardum.
I think... Oh, you're an Uber driver?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, did you give him a good review?
Yep, I did.
Good!
He was good, he was nice, so... Okay.
I'm like most drivers you meet these days, so...
Yeah, I gotcha.
So what's your name?
My name's Raymond, but you can call me Ray.
Oh, nice to meet you Ray.
I'm Skeet Hanson.
Nice to meet you.
Skeet Hanson?
Wait, is this a joke?
It may be, because the other guy was what?
The other guy was Hanson.
The guy from Connecticut.
Yeah, I hope I'm not pulling up a joke video.
Skeeter Gene, and he calls himself Skeeter Hanson?
Isn't skeeting ejaculating?
Yeah.
So you skeet on predators?
Let me see if I misheard that one.
Yeah, I gotcha.
So what's your name?
Raymond.
I know I can call you Ray if your name is Raymond.
He did say Skeet Hanson.
Raymond.
Oh, nice to meet you Ray.
I'm Skeet Hanson.
You too.
So, what are you here for?
What are you here for?
I'm gonna say to hang out with her, that's all.
With her?
Uh-huh.
Uh-oh, this is getting embarrassing.
I'm worried we're putting up a joke and then saying this is a joke.
Let's see the intro here.
...your appetite because we've got a lot of predator pasta to dish out here.
That seems pretty fake too.
Fuck.
They think they're talking to actual teenagers, but in reality...
There's nothing worse than exposing something and you find out it's a joke and you're the fucking idiot.
They think they're talking to a 13 year old, however they're talking to a 3.
She's like a 4.
I want to just be on that show once and be like, no, I'm here to talk.
Yeah.
Will you have condoms?
No, I have no condoms.
You have wine coolers?
No, I have non-alcoholic beverages.
I wanted to talk to a 13 year old.
Yeah.
I'm doing a documentary.
I have questions in my pocket.
It says, ask the 13 year old about school.
What's that like?
Has things changed?
What's school lunch like?
All right, let's leave that up to the baby monsters to decide.
Can we pull up the, um, fucking Super Chat?
Is that fake?
Yeah, we're gonna do the super chat.
You can send that in.
I'll show you how.
Because you guys are probably too fucking stupid to figure it out, man.
So dumb.
And I'm so much smarter.
I like this evil villain guy.
So you go to watching live.
We are streaming watch live now.
You go to censored.tv.
Then right click on that.
And then it says donate to read a message on air.
Hey, what is that?
That's a joke!
That's us gay.
Great.
Oh, thanks a lot!
Yeah, don't participate in the chat.
Goddammit!
Ban everybody.
I hate when people make me gay in Photoshop.
Ban and burn.
Embarrassing.
So you go there, you donate $100, guarantees we'll read it on air, and 100% of the money goes to Max and John.
We paid some of their lawyer fees now, not much, like $3,500.
But it's really about when they get out, they'll have some dough.
Right.
Uh, butt plugs and dildos?
Is that the Project Veritas thing?
Yeah.
Butt plugs and dildos.
I want to cover that.
What's one five?
I want to cover that tomorrow when we can relax.
I like that fantasy clip of your Latin-Asian hybrid wannabe Jamie.
Like Ryan, I'm Latino and also a fan of shirtless Gavin.
Keep it up.
Pretty hot.
Wasn't sure about buying a sub, but I'm glad I did.
You always talk trash about yourself being a six.
Wait, we got this as a letter too.
Huh, I don't like being adored by homosexuals Yeah, it's uncomfortable in it.
Yeah, I want 21 year old hot girls with huge tits to be masturbating thinking about me not dudes one time I was riding my bike through the West Village and some guy was like hello, and he was like 70 years old And I turned around I was like are you fucking kidding me?
I'm way too hot for you!
I'm out of your league, faggot!
All right, let's read the bottom one real quick because it's about to disappear.
Dickman, if you were on patrol and caught Matty stealing hubcaps, what weapon would you use against him?
Mace, taser, or a thing called a billy stick?
Not a billy club or a truncheon, but a billy stick.
I wouldn't use any of them.
What would you do?
I'd use Jack Johnson and Tom Foley.
You'd just fucking kick his ass.
Well, I'd use my verbal judo, and then if he didn't comply... You'd start roughing him up.
And then what would you do, Matty?
Well, I have been known to tussle with... Can you turn the mic to you?
Hello?
I've been known to tussle with police before.
So you would fight Dickman?
Well, usually, to be honest, whenever they stop, they usually call for backup.
So it wouldn't be just him, but I've been hit with a nightstick, the old wooden ones, in the forehead.
Hurt.
I've been hit with a baton.
It hurt.
I've never been tased.
Huh.
Yeah.
I had a cop one time, he was on my back and he grabbed my hair and he pulled my head back and put the basic hair, it was like... That's a wake-up call.
That was nice.
Wow.
How did that feel?
It sucked.
The best thing, I mean, the best thing, it sucked really bad.
It sucked real bad.
But once you get, I've been maced a few times, like pepper sprayed a bunch of times.
It starts, it doesn't have like the same effect on you and the worst thing you can do is touch your eyes or rub them.
You gotta keep your eyes open.
Yeah.
Also when you take a shower later on, it revisits.
Yeah, the water.
Trying to make you red, but it's hard.
It was brutal, that one.
Literally, like, this close.
Holy shit.
There was another guy on my like lower legs and he was on my back and he pulled my head back like this by my hair it was like No good.
Were you red like this color that you are?
It was terrible.
When I got it at NYU, I thought it might be like acid.
So I thought, am I disfigured?
Am I going to be the elephant man forever?
The answer is yes.
And then I tasted pepper in my mouth and I was like, hallelujah.
Capsaicin.
The second I got that pepper taste.
But it really does reboot your hard drive.
It's like, you don't know what's up or down.
And every time I see these fucking cunts, Stealing piles of clothes from Target and stuff and Macy's.
I go, no one wants to touch them because they don't want to get arrested for, you know, violence or they don't want to get sued.
Just a little boop.
Just a little toot.
Just squirt them.
Oh yeah.
I love that audience applause.
The audience ironically doesn't like the audience noise.
Let's scoot this over here.
Check this out.
We've got a guy who wants to talk about the bottom one.
We got to read that one.
Well, we don't have to read anything that's under $100.
Okay.
Gavin, you should have the same guest every Thursday moving forward.
He's nice to look at.
Who's that?
Is that Tim or Matty?
Who's hotter?
Who do you guys think is hotter?
We'll do a poll.
I like Tim.
Ryan looks gross tonight with his Jesse Lee Peterson impression.
Yep.
That tie is jarring.
I didn't do that.
Dickman if you're on patrol and we already did that.
I like that fantasy clip of your Latin Asian hybrid wannabe Jamie like Ryan on Latino blah blah.
Okay.
The downer approach to drinking has been a game changer since I had my firstborn and bought a business that requires client entertainment 50% of the time.
Gotcha, dude.
That sucks.
By the way, speaking of sales guys, your sales guy has to go out at lunch with clients and a dinner at clients and he needs to be fat.
He needs to be able to drink half a bottle of bourbon, vodka, whatever, a day.
And it's a talent I don't have.
It's a talent Shane Smith had.
God bless his cotton socks.
It's not easy.
In fact, a lot of successful companies will have to send their ad sales guy to rehab about once a year because it just gets too much.
They actually brought ENT back in the tax code too so you could write it all off.
Good.
For the entertainment of travel.
So to be clear folks at home, the downer approach is a thing I invented.
It's an acronym and it stands for D. Don't cock block.
Oh, only 14 hours.
So you start at noon.
You could not go past 2 a.m.
I actually would like to shrink that now that I'm getting older to 12.
12 to 12 seems like a lot of fucking drinking.
W, water aplenty.
N. We know what N stands for.
Forgetting N. Oh, I'm not.
What's?
What is N?
Oh, I don't N. N is never after 3.
I think it was 4 for a while, but let's cut the shit.
Nothing good happens after 3 a.m.
E, eat your dinner.
I know you're not hungry, you're high on coke and booze, but just get a cheeseburger in there somehow.
Rape yourself.
And then R, regulate your bumps.
Do you really wanna do cocaine right now?
Is it really, are you dying for a bump?
Like I understand if you're tired and you didn't get any sleep the night before and you gotta drive or you gotta, I'm encouraging drunk driving right now, or you gotta like get up and get the train and you're like, I don't have it in me.
I could see a bump for that, but if you're already up and you've already killed your buzz with Coke, why have another bump?
So regulate your bumps.
For the last year, my drinking could probably be considered excessive.
I'm not out partying, but my wife and I love a cocktail hour after the kiddo is asleep, and I have a hard time hitting the off button.
I've noticed that if I have a drink in the early afternoon or even with lunch, followed by a meal or a break period, I have no desire to drink when I get home.
I wish I could share those characteristics.
On the other hand, if I stay sober all day and get home after a stressful day at the office, I tend to drink as fast and as much as I can.
I'm beginning to think that it would be better and easier to have a glass of wine with lunch with clients than shut it down in the afternoon.
What is your take and or experience with this approach?
Well, I really appreciate the dudes at our local bar Who leave at 3 p.m.
Yeah, we're day drinking.
I'm more of a day drinker now.
You had an altercation recently.
Yeah.
Two, I want to talk to you about.
Oh.
One, you got in a fight at the post office?
Yeah.
What was that about?
Yeah.
Some fucking, what do you call it, male Karen?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Marin.
Whatever they call a male Karen.
I'm a lawyer.
I was like, I don't give a fuck what you are.
So how did it all start?
I was with Uncle Bill, Million Dollar Bill, and I was going to mail something out to my buddy in Las Vegas and I'm waiting for at a stop sign by the post office by our local and a guy gets in his car he's supposed to back out of it so I'm sitting there and the guy's like sitting in there 20 you know a couple of a minute and a half two minutes So did he start reversing out of the spot?
No, he just got in.
I fucking hate this.
Get in your car, get out of there.
What are these people doing getting in their cars and then they're just like noodling around?
So the window was open I was like motherfucker you getting out of the fucking way or what?
So, Bill goes, oh, this car pulled out.
So I pull up in front and I get out and I'm walking up the steps to the post office and the guy goes, you know, you really need to watch your language.
So I was like, excuse me?
He's like, yeah, all that, all the profanity and stuff.
I said, who the fuck are you?
You my father?
And he goes, no, you really need to, I go, dude.
Whoa.
He goes, What do you want to do about it?
Goes, it'll take about five seconds.
I says... Wait, he said, what do you want to do about it?
It'll take about five seconds.
Meaning I will knock you out in five seconds.
I said, do yourself a favor.
Go on your way.
Mind your business.
So I walk into the post office.
I come out.
He's still sitting outside.
Okay.
Whoa, stop.
Airbrakes.
Airbrakes.
What did this person look like?
What is his height?
What is his ethnicity?
What kind of car was he driving?
White.
White?
What class?
Upper middle class?
Middle class?
Upper middle class, probably a lawyer in our area.
Lawyer man, okay.
Is he wearing a suit?
No, no, he's casual clothes.
Martha's Vineyard, Patagonia.
I love that, the tubing, slacks, moccasins.
Matty, what kind of car was he driving?
I don't know.
He comes walking up the stairs.
And he goes, it'll take five seconds.
I said, do yourself a favor, dude.
Cause now there's all the people in the post office.
Cause I'm standing in the door to the post office.
I was like, do yourself a favor.
Get away from me or wait outside.
So I go in the post office.
I do what I do.
He goes outside, goes over to my vehicle and starts harassing Bill.
What's he saying to Bill?
He's like, this car's double parked.
I wasn't double parked, I was blocking the driveway a little bit, but I said, he's like, Bill's like, who the fuck are you?
The fucking parking police?
He's like, it's not my vehicle, I'm not moving it.
So you know Bill, he's out on his phone.
Who the fuck are you?
Yeah.
So he goes, I'm not moving the vehicle.
So I come out and he's on the phone.
He's like, I'm on the phone with the police.
The police?
I go, I don't care who you call.
What's the charge?
Double parking?
And he goes, I took pictures of your license plate.
So I said, that's great.
So I take my phone, I go like this.
And he goes, did you just take a picture of me?
Because if you did, I'm going to destroy your phone.
I said, oh.
He comes walking over.
He's like, did you, you, you took a picture of me?
Let me see your phone.
Is he drunk?
No.
What time of day is this?
1230, one o'clock.
What the, where does he get the hubris?
So I go, You just told me you filmed me.
You took pictures of my license plate.
You're telling me it's illegal to take your picture?
I said, you have no expectation of privacy in public.
Go fuck yourself.
So he goes, did you take my picture?
I said, it's none of your fucking business what I did.
I said, go wait for the fucking police to come.
He's like, oh, I got your plate.
I don't care.
What are you gonna do with it?
Take a picture, put it on the internet, put it on neighbors.
This guy's an asshole, yelling and screaming.
He goes, you know, I go, dude, do yourself a favor.
Go home and fuck your wife.
I said, because this is not going to end well.
And I don't feel like sitting in prison, in jail for you.
Again.
You should have added again.
So he knew it was a pattern.
I just had to walk away from him.
And he's just on the phone.
I'm like, dude.
So then that same day, I think you had beef with Bill, your passenger.
Oh, yeah.
I heard at the bar, you were like holding up your phone going, Look, this is bullshit.
Yeah.
You fucking, you say you had gallstones.
You're lying.
Your gallstones would have passed by now.
He's got a thing now.
He just doesn't answer the phone.
Okay.
He's like, oh, I put it on silent.
I go, no.
I said, you answered me twice today.
I said, now when I, so I fucked around and I said, Bill, I said, the fucking cops got me pulled over.
Cause he was like, yo, yo, fuck that guy.
He's like, you know, if they call the cops or whatever.
I go...
So he's not picking up the phone, calling him, calling him, calling him, and Bill hates that.
That's the worst thing you could do to him.
Yeah.
I remember he was in a group text, and he was like, I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
Yeah, so now I'm doing it just out of spite.
Just calling, as soon as his voicemail picks up, hang up, redial, hang up, redial.
So then I text him, I say, Bill.
I go, the fucking cops got me pulled over, they're dragging me out of the car.
Call me, it's an emergency.
No, nothing.
He said he was watching the fucking soccer game.
Soccer?
At home or at the bar?
At our local.
Huh.
So you gave him shit for that?
Yeah, yeah.
Was this the same day as the lawyer?
Yeah.
So is it possible you were still so pumped from the lawyer accusation that you were like ready to kill Bill or anyone else who got in your way?
He came with me And he was so, he was like, dude, he's like, go park the van.
We'll put it in that parking lot where he parks.
And he goes, and I'll drive you home.
Why?
You're drunk with rage?
I was, I was pretty livid.
That guy, that guy had my fucking balls twisted.
And I was like, if you just grabbed him by the throat, would you do time for that?
Like just, yeah, it's assault.
That would be assault.
But what if you gave him the first punch?
You said, good news, I'm going to put my hands by my back.
You got the first punch.
Because what he said, it would only take five seconds.
I said, go ahead and take your shot.
I said, I said, one of my favorites, I said, there's nothing but air and opportunity.
He looks at me.
I said, that's all that stands between me and you.
Air and opportunity.
You said you're going to take five seconds.
Let's go.
Juicy.
And then he's like, no, you take it.
You swing.
I said, dude, you ain't baiting me into this.
Because at the end of the day, if I get another assault charge, I mean, I don't get no, no bail.
No.
Even though there's no bail.
Once they put my fingerprints in NCIC, it comes up and says that I have multiple and triple I arrests.
So then the local, like the local judge can't give me a bail.
Has to be a Supreme Court judge.
Let's open the phone lines and the mail and the mail bag.
Not to be confused with the scrotum.
You are on the air.
This is a fucking loser.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It's great hearing from you.
All right, next call.
Bye bye!
That's true.
Ye liked your Donald Trump impersonation.
I think it's safe to say he loved it.
Did he give you a big smile when he shook your hand or was that just me?
I don't know.
He didn't like your sway.
He didn't seem to care.
No, he did.
He was like, he was like, why, why did you, why'd you learn how to do that though?
That's such a weird, he's, he's a real end.
He's from the South side of Chicago.
He's not a rich kid.
And yet his voice is like this.
Hi, what are you guys doing?
Well, no.
It's a little deeper than that.
Do you think he over-enunciates on purpose?
Maybe.
Or maybe he's been out of the hood so long he's got a new accent.
Papa's got a brand new accent.
Weren't his parents highly educated?
Teachers.
I mean, what does that mean in this day and age?
35, 45 grand, South Side of Chicago?
Yeah, retarded.
You heard what the um... Oh wait, this was really funny.
Our very own Josh Lekach.
Oh yeah, this is fucking amazing.
So Kanye West, he got his honorary degree rescinded by Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
Wait, wait, wait.
What goes on with your brain?
By Art School of the Institute of Chicago.
What is with this guy's garbage mind?
We just got a key into how Brian's brain works.
So you're dyslexic, dude.
I did read that.
- Are you yay? - Rescinded by Art School of the Institute of Shakespeare.
So you're dyslexic, dude. - I did read that.
I knew I was reading that back.
- You have dyslexia.
Can we get an expert in here to analyze him?
I literally don't have dyslexia.
Is there a PDF that you can fill out to see if you're dyslexic?
I'm not lystestic.
I've done the test.
So this is what this guy says here.
Something like this happened to someone else and bad things happened after.
There was another guy who was rejected by the art community and it didn't go well for Europe.
Correct.
You hear what the Mexicans are saying about yay?
It's just starting to catch up in like the Latino community.
La Latino?
Yeah.
What are they saying?
Mostly they're saying like, ay-ya-yay.
Ay-ya-yay.
Ay-ya-yay.
Come on, dog.
Um, question for, so we're doing mailbag stuff, right?
Question for Matty.
Okay.
What is your favorite prison movie and which one is the most realistic based on your own experiences?
My favorite prison movie?
Well, what are there?
Face Off?
I mean, uh, Short Chance Redemption is a prison movie.
Yes.
That's a really good one.
Um, what is the one, uh, the Spanish one?
Um, It's about the creation of the Mexican Mafia.
The girl from Ipanema Prison?
No, um... With the white Hispanic dude?
Yeah, with the white guy, the bald guy?
Yeah.
What the hell is the name of that?
How old is it?
Was that me?
Me was in it?
Yeah, something me.
Yeah, something about me.
White, bald guy.
American me?
Something like that.
You're not into prison movies.
You don't like it.
What about Bad Boys with Sean Penn from the early 80s?
Remember that one?
You don't like prison movies.
It's like Conor McGregor's coach is going to be in New York and I said, ooh, you should come by my gym.
And he's like, I don't want to go to a gym.
It's like when British people are visiting, you go, ooh, I know this pub.
It's got authentic scotch eggs and fish and chips.
And like, I had that this morning.
I don't want to go to that.
That's so true.
That's so true.
So funny.
So true.
I think that was an American Me.
So answer the question.
Is there a prison movie that you like?
Shot Caller?
I don't think I've ever seen it.
I like Shawshank Redemption.
It's probably my favorite.
Yeah, I don't think you watch prison movies the way we do.
We're voyeurs.
Like, I like to watch war movies because I want to pretend I know what it's like over there.
But you don't have to pretend, so you're not interested.
Every time I see that 60 Days In or something like that, I'll stop it and watch it and just laugh.
Because it's like a local county lockup.
And the shit that goes on, it's just like, yeah, I dealt with all that bullshit.
But, uh, Shawshank Redemption is probably because, you know, he escapes and gets away.
Yeah, that's the best part.
As I said, only 5% of the people deserve to be there.
And, by the way, only 5% of people should be educated in secondary education.
Yeah.
I'm obsessed with the numbers 95-5.
Everything seems to be 95-5.
Also, I was talking to a British guy today and he brought up something that I had never thought of before.
He's like, hold on a minute, hold the phone.
Why is every referendum 50-50?
The Quebec separatist referendum was like 51-49.
We just did Walker and Warlock.
That was like 51-49.
Yeah, it was close.
When Scotland wanted to separate, it was like 51-49.
Doesn't this sound like they're lying to us?
Why is everything exactly half and half?
Well, Zeldin was 30%.
Zeldin?
I don't know if that counts.
That's like...
A super fucking blue state because of New York City.
Yeah.
But other things, anything that's remotely swing always seems to be exactly 50-50.
Why is that?
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
That's what Andy told me.
What are those weird skin tags on your face?
They're Cookie Crisp.
Cookie Crisp?
Now back in the day... Wait, you're a cookie?
Well, I'll explain.
I was on a field trip with the high school.
We went to this...
Science Lab.
And I wandered off.
Do you mind if I take a piss while you explain this?
Go ahead.
Sure.
A friend of mine named Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive spider.
He then accumulated a bunch of powers that are similar to the sorts of traits spiders have.
Climbing on walls, shooting webs, and such.
Now me, on the other hand, I got bit by a radioactive cookie crisp.
And it turned my face into a delicious chocolatey cereal enjoyed best with milk.
And that's my story.
And I'd like to tell you that Peter Parker got away with it that day.
But he didn't.
He was raped by those people.
And it was very bad.
And that's all I've got to say about that.
Anybody else got any smart, cute questions for Cookie Crisps?
Guys, are you cleaning the toilet seat when you spray on it with your dicks?
If you have any kind of discharge, you have to take the toilet paper and do a scoop.
Yeah.
Okay.
There seemed to be a lot of spray.
Now, you know what?
If you, if you, uh, what is it?
Tinkle when you winkle?
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.
Liquor before beer.
Have no fear.
I don't believe that shit.
Me neither.
I don't believe all that shit about like, don't mix your drinks.
I think it's if you're mixing wine and bourbon, you're out partying and you got wasted.
It's not that you dare to combine wine and bourbon.
It's because you're at a party situation where you're drinking wine and bourbon.
Dare to pop?
Yeah.
What?
Terrible.
It's an NSYNC song.
Here's your microphone.
You want to catch it?
Yep.
Nice catch, fuck!
Boxing instincts.
I'm a regular DeGro- Oh.
Sorry.
I'm impressed you know we got DeGro.
Verlander.
We got Verlander.
Zoolander.
What, he can't make a left turn?
Okay, last letter before we take calls.
Groomer event being crashed by Proud Boys this Saturday.
So then you click on it.
Proud Boys love fucking Telegram.
I hate Telegram.
Hold on, I was nowhere near that.
Join us Sunday, December 11th for a holiday-themed drag brunch at Switchword Brewing.
Doors will be open at 10 a.m.
Please make sure these things are all ages before you crash them.
It's at a brewery, right?
The queens are excited to do a meet and greet time following the show as well.
Brunch ends at 2 p.m.
Allow us to reset for the afternoon.
The show will feature five amazing queens all performing unique numbers.
Switch Art is all ages.
Okay, all bets are off.
Wow.
And this show is as well.
Kids ages 5 and under are free.
What?
Free to stay home?
Disgusting.
What's Brick City?
New Jersey.
Is that New Jersey?
Newark.
That's the nickname.
So I think it's really important guys, I know I say this every time, don't say faggot.
Don't make it about gay.
You obviously wouldn't care if you found out someone reading the kids happen to be gay.
It's that they are sexual beings.
They're dressed like strippers.
We don't want sexuality around kids.
Obviously.
No one gives a flying fuck about a drag club in Chelsea that has crazy parties till four in the morning.
Okay.
Get up to your old tricks there, homos.
Now if you notice, they spelled meet and greet M-E-A-T.
What does that tell you?
That you're a cookie.
Cookie Crisp.
I'm cookie for Cookie Crisp.
Andy?
Let's take a call.
You want to be the milk to my cereal there, Alabaster Skin?
Yes, I do.
Well, let's get a bowl and let's start getting tussling.
Yeah, let's get in it.
Dickman, would you like to be the spoon?
Well, all right.
Matty?
I'm good.
You want to do the dipping?
You want to be the giant hand that scoops us up?
Sure.
Now where's the mouth?
We need a fourth person.
Ryan Catu Rivera!
Oh yeah, get that young boy.
He's over here to the right.
It's not me.
We have calls.
Let's check it out.
So we did some troubleshooting.
Hopefully everything goes smooth.
If not, I'll commit suicide live on air.
905, you're on the live.
So Gavin as a man of many hemorrhoids I Have a question.
Have you ever pooped blood?
Oh, yeah million times amateur.
Oh Is it like, does it make the toilet bowl look like a shark attack happened?
Yeah, it's a different kind of blood too, anal blood.
It's like very, very black.
But I found a cure for hemorrhoids.
Did I tell you about this?
I don't think so.
Um, no.
Do you have them?
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
I've been shitting blood for like a week or two now, so I've been getting a little concerned.
Wait a minute, I don't think that's hemorrhoids, dude.
I think you're dying.
I sure hope not.
I hope the doctor will tell me tomorrow.
I think black blood is bad.
It's different.
That goes through your digestive system.
When you have blood from hemorrhoids, it's because the hemorrhoid burst.
So it's like one session, not a week.
It should be red.
Is it red?
Like regular blood?
Yeah, like regular blood would be... Hello?
Is it red?
Sorry?
It's like very bright red.
And from what I read online, if it's like dark, that means it's like higher up in your digestive tract.
And the brighter it is, the lower it is.
So it's pretty bright.
So whatever it is, it's lower in the tract.
Okay.
This sounds real bad, dude.
If I were you, I would go out tonight and party my ass off because you're dying.
Literally your ass off.
Well, if I don't call it next week, you'll know what happened.
I'm trying to find it on my phone though.
I got this stuff.
It was a hundred dollars on Amazon.
And it's like this, I think it's free in Russia, but it's like a anal flak or something.
It's this foam you put on.
Britney Griner's free in Russia.
Oh, I remember you talked about that on Compound Sensor, but it was still, like, en route.
Yeah, well, I got it, and it was super awesome.
I don't know why it's not fucking coming up here.
Um... Maybe I'll just text my brother and ask him what it was.
Well, I'll call my wife.
Alright, thanks for calling, dude.
Does it work for your face?
Asking for a friend.
Let's call my wife.
I've been getting into talking to her.
We're speaking again.
210, just wait a second.
Wait a second, 210.
Hello?
Hey, can you do me a favor and go into my bathroom, not the basement, but the one with our kids and show me that hemorrhoid medicine.
It's called like rhinoplasty or something.
You want me to take a picture of it?
No, just tell me what it's called.
Okay.
Is this making you horny at all or no?
And you're on speaker.
Okay.
You don't get horny on speaker?
Quiet!
Johnny, have you seen Dad's hemorrhoid cream?
My hemorrhoid cream?
You don't know anything about my life!
You don't care about me!
It's always about you!
Is it for temporary relief of pain and itching?
Just say the name.
It's called Preparation H. Proctofoam.
Yeah, Proctofoam.
Yeah.
Alrighty.
Yeah, Proctofoam.
Dude, a hundred bucks on Amazon.
I know that's insane.
It lasts for your life though and it really helps blast them.
Does it come out like mousse where you like squirt it and it's like... Yeah.
Before I had hemorrhoids, I was like, hemorrhoids, who fucking cares?
And then after I got them, every time I see someone who's had hemorrhoids, I'm like... A friend of mine just got surgery for his hemorrhoids.
That's gay.
Is it?
Yeah.
Take it like a man!
We got 210 on the line.
Go ahead, 210.
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hey, Gab, what's up?
Hey, by the way, this isn't my thing, but that dude has polyps.
That's not...
I don't think it's anything serious.
He has polyps in his stomach.
That sounds more reasonable.
A hemorrhoid is a turgid vein that falls out your ass and is hanging there.
You're not going to shit blood all week.
It's going to pop.
And then the blood will be gone.
It's like a zit.
A blood zit.
It's an anal blood zit.
By the way, anal blood zits are playing at Mercury Lounge on Friday if you guys want to go.
I know the bassist.
Okay, so my thing, why I'm calling, I don't know if this bothers you guys at all, but it fucking furiates me when people end a sentence with the word right, and they're not asking you a question.
And I see this on, like, the Young Turks all the time.
Like, fucking Cenk says this shit all the time.
Why do you watch the Young Turks?
For juicy gossip.
But yeah, like, I don't know.
Have you ever noticed that?
Is that a thing to use?
Yeah, I think people who are slightly autistic have tics and they say, you know what I'm saying?
Or right.
And they end sentences with certain things.
I could learn to be annoyed by that.
I don't know if I'm that mad about it.
Oh, you grew up in Canada, eh?
Yeah.
I grew up in Canada where eh and fuck ended every sentence.
Fuck.
No way.
I think it's because to me, I'm in sales and I do that as like a way to get them to agree with me.
So it's kind of this little sneaky trick, but I think to me why it annoys me so much when other people do it, because they're obviously just in normal conversation, but it annoys me because it's like they're not confident with what they're saying, right?
Whoa!
You just did it.
Alright, thanks for calling.
I don't want to talk about this.
It reminds me though of something that does fucking piss me off and that is that a Man who thinks he's a lesbian who has a dick was going to Russia to play women's basketball, which he should not be playing because that's for women.
And he was playing it in Russia, which also is kind of annoying because it's like, shouldn't Russian basketball just be Russians?
Why are we importing dudes to play female roles?
And as he's packing his bags, he's like, I like getting high.
Let me throw some of my fucking pot vape sticks in my bag.
Just without a second thought.
Probably an element of privilege in there, which is like I'm a sports star and no one checks me and I'm kind of like a diplomat.
That's kind of what I am.
And he imported a drug into a country that is very intolerant towards drug use.
And so he got arrested.
He was looking at nine years.
Now, I don't like Russia getting our citizens.
That annoys me no matter how shitty they are.
This guy was constantly taking a knee and talking about how much America sucks.
So he would sleep like a baby if I was arrested and thrown in prison in Russia.
But I shouldn't let that affect my how I feel about this thing.
So I do like the idea of America.
I know if Trump, if it was Trump, he'd be like, we're getting her back.
Get her over here.
Her.
But the fucking deal that Biden did where he released Victor Bout, basically Tony Stark of Russia, a major war criminal.
And why did this happen?
Because we're woke.
She's a black lesbian with dreads and it's good for the black vote.
So we did whatever they told us.
Why is Paul Whelan, you know who Paul Whelan is?
He's a Marine.
He was kind of nefarious in his past.
I think he stole like 10 grand or something.
He did some bad stuff back when he was in the Marines.
That's why he was dishonorably discharged.
They don't hire those kind of guys as spies, by the way.
If you have a criminal record, no.
But he was doing IT security for some like, I don't know, shipping company or some bullshit.
Some normal thing.
He knew a bunch about a Russian FBI agent, whatever the FBI is over there, the FDS.
And I think that FDS agent, what's it called?
Not FDS.
It's, um, FSB.
I think the FSB agent was like, get rid of him.
He knows too much about me.
I got drunk and I told him too much.
So they're like, fine.
16 years.
So he's rotting in prison.
An innocent man.
Ex-petty thief.
And we ignore him and we get the black chick.
Who I'm convinced is not a chick.
What a catastrophe.
A few fucking cartridges thrown in a bag.
And we have this guy.
On November 21st, 2011, Bout was convicted in a jury in a Manhattan federal court of conspiracy to kill U.S.
citizens and officials, delivery of anti-aircraft missiles, And providing aid to a terrorist organization.
He was sentenced to a minimum of 25 years imprisonment because the crime was due to the Sting operation.
And then we have Paul Whelan.
Proof that he's innocent is, former CIA officers have stated that the CIA would not recruit an officer with Whelan's military record, nor leave an officer exposed without a diplomatic passport.
They further claim that Whelan's arrest is connected to tensions between Russia and the United States, including the detention of confessed unregistered foreign agent Maria Butina, who was a spy.
On December 20th, 2018, when discussing Butina's arrest, Russian President Vladimir Putin stated that Russia will not arrest innocent people simply to exchange them.
Oh, OK.
So I guess he's not doing it because he said he wasn't doing it.
Like, what the fuck's the matter with this country?
If someone's cool and famous and fits the woke narrative, we exchange war criminals to get them out?
The Merchant of Death.
What?
His nickname is The Merchant of Death.
The Merchant of Death!
Now, as far as death and murder goes, he does seem kind of cool.
He's got a killer mustache.
Yeah, he does look like in a movie.
If he was a bad guy, I'd be like, that's a cool bad guy.
However, when it comes to reality and fucking anti-aircraft missiles meant to destroy us.
And we just leave this guy, this 2-5, the Daily Mail article, we just leave him there to rot because, let's be honest, it's because he's a white male.
He's not as sexy.
I don't understand why I'm still sitting here.
My bags are packed.
Devastated Paul Whelan breaks his silence from Russian penal colony.
So he's in a labor camp as his brother slams his catastrophic exclusion from Brittany Grenier prisoner swap.
Jesus.
That is just wild.
I mean, I'd be less mad if a war criminal got out and we got two.
The left is so bad at prison negotiations.
Remember the Iran deal with Barack Obama?
Not that there's another Barack.
And we ended up giving them four billion dollars as a thank you for giving us some fucking innocent people that were imprisoned.
All right, let's Let's go behind the paywall.
These people have been freeloading long enough.
It's time to take back the power.
By the way, I noticed a bunch of people were mad at us for keeping the Ye interview behind the paywall.
What?
Do you think you deserve free content?
That made us $120,000.
By the way, we got 1,200 subs.
We had to fly down there.
I'm not making everything free.
Are you mad when you go to McDonald's and shit isn't free?
We got to pay money for this shit.
And the people that pay for it.
Like when we get something real nice that they're like, hey, you paid for it.
Yeah, I want to show them respect because they subscribe to the network.
So I'm not going to fucking make everything cool free.
No.
And you'll notice, by the way, when you get business tips, it's from people who have nothing going on in their own business life.
They're like, you should be on YouTube for free.
Just give it away.
I should blow you.
Guys, the cure to hemorrhoids is a steady Metamucil or Posacilum regimen.
I take 25 Metamucil capsules per day.
What?
And I don't even have to wipe anymore.
Helps with hangovers too.
A good shit cleans out the colon.
That allows for more water absorption.
I mean, I guess I'll try it.
That seems gross.
You got these slimy shits dripping out of your ass all day.
And what's the second one there?
Did we already do that?
That was the downer.
So we're going behind the paywall now.
We're sticking around.
Subscribers, stick around.
Don't be disheartened.
Nuggles, who is what we call people who don't subscribe.
We tried Muggles, but we got sued by Harry Potter.
Nuggles, this is our goodbye.
We'll see you next week.
And until then, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?
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