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Sept. 23, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

02:04:25

GOML LIVE #166 - TAKIN A RIDE

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	Remember to my friends don't want to merge my heart in my hand, not working.
	You don't be not working!
	New York, New York, they're not forgot.
	New York, New York, they're not forgot.
	Okay, I wanted to fuck myself, but you know what happened?
	This is a true story.
	I used to have this girl.
	I don't talk too much about that sorry.
	We got time for kill.
	We don't know how many phones.
	Well, I used to fuck this girl, man.
	She was at a place called the Zoo.
	She was a little fat girl, I was you know, like a few of you off here on the stage.
	She had a sit-hon face and shit, but I was really just fucked.
	I'm fucking the fucking honest.
	I fuck a guitar, I don't care.
	But anyway, shit, BD.
	That's the first time I ever caught BD.
	It was two years ago.
	I never used a rubber, and I never will.
	Fuck the rubber, you know?
	I don't give a fuck.
	I got kids everywhere.
	But I wrote this song.
	I don't give a fuck.
	I don't give a fuck.
	I don't give a fuck.
	Take me.
	thud
	That was the replacements 1981's.
	Sorry, Mar, I forgot to take out the trash.
	I just got this weird box set.
	I read about it from my old pal Johnson Cummins of the Doughboys.
	Checking, catching up on my old pals from Montreal, and he's still writing, and he was writing about this.
	I have the vinyl already, so that's kind of gay.
	But it comes with this cool booklet.
	Back before we had cell phones, kids, we would sit and just look at records and the booklets that came with them, or just stare at the record itself, like the case the LP came in.
	But the reason I got this is because, according to Johnson Cummins, the live CD, out of the four CDs here, the live one is apparently quite a big deal.
	Oh, shit.
	I hate when they do this.
	It's hard to put it back in.
	So we'll be checking it out.
	Seminole Minneapolis band.
	Bob Stinson was the bassist.
	He always wanted them to stay hard, stay heavy.
	So they started getting better at their instruments and they started to want to play more poppy stuff.
	And it pissed him off.
	So on the album Tim, they had the song One Good Dose of Thunder to try to appease him, but he was pissed off that they were becoming a pop band.
	They're a great band to go through adolescence with because you go from hardcore to like great pop.
	But he joined a band with Cheetah Chrome from The Dead Boys, and it was called Cheetah Chrome and the Motherfuckers.
	And we were opening for them in Ottawa as they fought Bebelbrocks.
	And on the way over the border, Bob Stinson of the replacements got out of the van and pissed on the border guard, the little booth where they take your passports.
	He just got out and pissed.
	And they had hired a guy, paid a guy, to make sure that Bob doesn't do anything like that.
	So Bob was, I mean, that guy was promptly fired.
	And Bob died of, I think, alcohol soon after that.
	So that's sad.
	Poor Bobby Stenson.
	What a fantastic band, though.
	Welcome to Get Off My Lawn Live.
	We have Maddie O'Dell, the co-host here.
	What's going on, everybody?
	Up to his old tricks again.
	He looks like Kinnicki in Greece there.
	And he looks like Lord of Flatbush.
	You remember that movie?
	Oh, yeah.
	And then, of course, we have Sylvia back.
	All right.
	There we go.
	Sylvia's been planning to show up for a while here, but she was under the weather, feeling weak.
	What was going on with you?
	It's just the dizziness.
	And what's the dizziness from?
	Too much sex.
	So you've had 14 less fucks this week, and it's made you, I mean, it's turned you into John Waters, but you're still able to show up to the show and perform for us and deliver your funny takes on everything.
	Right?
	It's fun.
	Yeah.
	Are you going to have some funny takes today?
	Some what?
	Funny takes?
	Of course.
	Because if you don't, you're fucking fired.
	You're not getting a penny.
	Oh, we're getting it on.
	Funny as could be.
	You better be.
	Ryan, can you hear her okay?
	Because if we can't hear you, line them up.
	No, loud and clear.
	I might pay you per quip.
	PPQ.
	This is for.
	Yeah, Quid Pro Quip.
	This shirt I'm wearing is not for sale.
	Someone gave this to us at one of the shows.
	I think it was the Vegas show.
	Yes.
	Yeah.
	It's nice.
	I don't think it'll sell, so we won't make it.
	But someone had a Sylvia shirt on at the show.
	Check this out.
	I just opened the bottle with my cap gun, right?
	And now I'm going to shoot to kill Sylvia.
	All right, I'm ready.
	Oh, I fucked up.
	You're supposed to put it back before you open it up.
	Stupid boy.
	Stupid boy.
	You ready, Sylvia?
	I'm ready.
	This could be the end of you.
	Oh, I didn't make it.
	How far does that go?
	Not very far?
	Notes are gone.
	Yeah, it went about 20 feet.
	They should specify that.
	I feel like the next one's going to be big.
	I like how the girl behind him has a don't do shots or coke hat on.
	I used to...
	I was such a drunk as a young man.
	I would write messages on my body to girls like, please put a condom on this.
	I wrote it on my belly when I was passed out.
	And then I would write, don't let me do shots or coke on my shirt.
	And then I started making them.
	I made one with an iron on, and then we started manufacturing them.
	It's not a joke.
	It's not a joke.
	Not a joke, man.
	Not a joke.
	It's not a joke.
	I just think about the years, how old I am.
	I think about as much as a fly.
	We'll be getting to that tomorrow.
	We have pre-recorded a four-hour episode of Get Off My Lawn for you guys tomorrow.
	Jam-packed.
	Holy shit.
	Speaking of packed, let's give a shout out to Shell Shock CBD.
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	Now, Maddie, you tried having two Delta 8s at once.
	Yeah.
	That was a bit much, would you say?
	Yeah, two at once was a bit much.
	One is good.
	Two, you wouldn't recommend.
	Don't recommend two.
	It's like sleeping with a female bodybuilder.
	No bueno.
	No bueno.
	Even when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I had my hand on the wall as I walked from my bedroom to the bath.
	I'm like, oh, Jesus.
	I'm still high.
	But they're good.
	No doubt about it.
	Well, when my wife had some, she had to put ice on her chest, and I had to basically sing and dance like a court gesture till one in the morning to avoid having to take her to the hospital.
	Oh, gosh.
	She was freaking oot.
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	Okay?
	Shell Shock, S-H-S-H-E-L-L.
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	And be sure to follow them on Instagram, Shell Shock Wellness.
	Why can't you just get high on life?
	Life doesn't always supply.
	Life will often fall short of CBDs.
	What about you used to do tons of drugs?
	You used to do heroin before you turned into John Waters.
	Oh, not me.
	Yes, you.
	Never.
	We see the tracks in your arms, Sylvia.
	Never did it.
	It looks like metropolitan.
	There's cocaine in bed, and it wasn't true.
	Cocaine does not make you go longer sexually.
	That's the only drug I ever did, cocaine.
	Well, cocaine isn't supposed to make women go longer.
	No, in bed, sexually.
	It doesn't make you go longer.
	If anything, it numbs your sexual apparatus.
	Yeah, but that would make you go longer, wouldn't it?
	No, it doesn't.
	My experience with cocaine and intercourse is if it's a new girl, you could just kill your dick and you might ruin it.
	But if it's someone that you have been a girlfriend with for a while or a wife, then you can't not get it up because it's just like you.
	No, you get it up, it just nums it.
	That's what happened to me in this guy.
	Who?
	What was his name?
	John Toluca.
	So he's an Italian gentleman?
	Half Italian, half Spanish.
	Huh.
	And the cocaine did not help his performance?
	No, he got hard, but it just didn't.
	We didn't go longer.
	The only reason we did it was to go longer sexually.
	So you did it too?
	Me and him, yeah.
	Have you ever put cocaine on your genitalia?
	Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
	Oh, okay.
	Wake up and smell the roses.
	Oh.
	So he, did he snort it or he put it on his penis and you put it on your vagina?
	He put it on his dick and he put it on me.
	And all it does is numb you.
	Yeah.
	Have you ever tried that?
	I've tried that.
	No.
	I've had girls sniff it off.
	I've sniffed it once.
	Once.
	And all it does is make you go way up to heaven and then crashing down to the pits of hell.
	So it's not for me.
	I sniffed it off a dude's dick once just because there was no table around.
	And we were like, shit, man.
	And then he was like, I'll just get a boner.
	That'll be the table.
	And I was like, okay, but no homo.
	He's like, it's just a portable table.
	Pause, no homo.
	Yeah.
	A portable table.
	So you know how this show goes.
	It's free to everyone in the entire world.
	And that's why we read ads.
	We don't normally read ads on this show.
	We are off to Dallas tomorrow doing a show.
	Fucking, it's kind of badly organized.
	It's a tiny venue.
	I think we had about 500 people in Orlando.
	So we went, okay, well, this place holds like 250 or 100.
	So let's just book it four times.
	One, two, three, four.
	But I don't think we're getting 500 people.
	So I think it might be four shows of 50 people, which is weird.
	That's like driving someone somewhere and just taking one person at a time in the passenger seat.
	We'll see how it goes.
	I'm going to do Glenn Beck's show tomorrow.
	So I think it's behind the paywall, but we'll get something out of it.
	We'll get some freebie from it.
	Maybe he'll let us, I know his producer, maybe she'll let us keep it and put it on the air.
	What are you printing out over there?
	We just got another read fresh from the presses.
	I don't play any oboe.
	I'm not excited about extra reads.
	No?
	That was a weird one.
	Yeah, that was a good one.
	Clean humor.
	Clean humor.
	Reads in the Woodwind family.
	60-second read?
	No, I'm not doing that.
	So, yeah, we do the reads.
	We got the guests.
	And this is also a show where we try to raise money for Max and John, as I'll discuss tomorrow, which I discussed today.
	Antifa beat the living shit.
	They mobbed two Marines, said, you're white supremacists, you're proud boys.
	They said, no, we're Mexicans.
	What are you talking about?
	And they said, fuck you, spick.
	Fuck you, wetback, spat on them as they were pounding them.
	The authorities seized three of these gentlemen.
	One of them is a major player in Antifa, which is just an idea.
	It's not an organization, according to Joe Biden, a guy who compares himself to a fly.
	No charges, no nothing.
	No probation, no misdemeanor.
	Don't worry about it, guys.
	You can beat up our military anytime you want.
	I'm a little disappointed, by the way, that the Marines lost.
	When I get on my Amazon Prime account and I watch Reacher and I watch The List, the Marine wins those fights, especially up against these fat loser turds.
	You should see these guys.
	Pull them up, Brian.
	Get the hell out of here, brown people.
	That was actually their quote.
	The producer, Beck, goes, you want to talk about anything in particular?
	And I go, yeah.
	I have something on my mind.
	The allegations we get from the left are never accurate.
	You follow QAnon.
	You are scared of homosexuals.
	You want trans people not to exist.
	You want to kill them all.
	Not even close.
	None of that's close.
	Trump said Mexicans are rapists.
	Trump said that there's good people on both sides.
	Nazis can be good.
	He never said that.
	And I'm just like, I want a valid allegation.
	I want to be able to argue my points.
	You've got me arguing other people's points.
	So that's who the Marines can't beat up?
	Dude.
	Maybe they chose not to.
	They chose not violence that day.
	Well, that's dumb.
	Who are those rifles?
	Those are Antifa.
	But the first guy with the glasses is a major player.
	The Kroll.
	And the reason...
	But the reason they got away with it, of course, is it's a Soros appointed DA.
	And it's the reason that Proud Boys and Any Patriots...
	Soros.
	You can buy America.
	You can buy American justice.
	That means we're Venezuela, by the way.
	Oh, yeah.
	So, yeah, we take calls.
	We go through the mailbag.
	And then we have this live chat that is for Max and John.
	We've raised $17,000 for them.
	They get out in, I think, March.
	I'm going to go visit them in a couple weeks.
	It's funny because the only way we can make the seven-hour trip bearable is to stop at bars and get wasted.
	So then you get there.
	It's like 3 a.m.
	And then you got to get up at like 6.
	So when you're visiting them, you're hungover.
	You feel like shit.
	You look like shit.
	And you're just like, hey, so what's going on?
	And they're like, hey, oh, wow, it's great to see you.
	Okay, so you wouldn't believe what's going on here.
	This Muslim guy got beat up and blah, blah, blah.
	And you're just like, oh, it sucks.
	Anyway, we should probably get going here.
	It's not a good setup.
	Should probably leave two days early.
	One day to recuperate.
	Yeah, one day to recuperate.
	So we're all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when you meet them.
	Gavin.
	And so we read these, we read the letters and all that stuff.
	And then we go behind the paywall in anywhere from 10 minutes from now to 40 minutes from now.
	And then it gets a little raunchier.
	And Sylvia gets nude.
	She brought a whole thing of lingerie and she's going to be doing a sexy dance.
	And here's the funnest part about Sylvia's strip teas that she's going to do.
	We brought kids.
	So she's going to be doing a sexy dance and kids are going to be giving her money and she's going to put it in her underwear.
	That'll be cool, right?
	I don't wear underwear.
	They'll be putting it in your butt crack.
	But show that video you were just talking about, Ryan.
	Like, we don't like the drag queen story hour, and we don't give a fuck about drag queens.
	Go nuts.
	We know there's drag queens in every bar in the world.
	This isn't drag queens.
	This is actual strippers now.
	We've crossed the line.
	Well, this should have been the first step before the drag strippers.
	It's kind of like they're going backwards.
	Yeah.
	Now, that might be some sort of weird dude with a taped up dick.
	I don't.
	Do you know?
	I don't think so.
	It looks like a female body to me.
	But I guess they're good at that.
	No, they're not.
	What the fuck is going on?
	Like, my parents are big drinkers, partiers.
	If they saw this and I was eight there, they would.
	Look at the kid in the corner.
	That's who I'm talking about.
	He's got to be seven.
	Yeah, seven or eight.
	He's younger than my youngest boy.
	What?
	And I can't believe that we've been sitting here saying, look, it's not that you're gay.
	It's like, what if there was a stripper?
	We'd have a problem with that.
	And they go, oh, we got strippers.
	What does Libs of TikTok say about that one?
	That's a new level here.
	A stripper performs at an all-ages drag show while a kid in the front row attempts to hand the stripper a cash tip.
	So that might be a dude.
	You know, you take enough estrogen, you get fake hits, you probably get hips.
	I don't know.
	Is that the show?
	All-ages drag show.
	This is their whole thing here.
	Drag party.
	Let's see.
	One of the flyers.
	Here we go.
	You know, the allegation from the far right is that they're there to groom kids to fuck them.
	I don't think it's that simple or that complicated.
	I think it's just a giant fuck you.
	To Christians, to the right, to everything.
	Uh-oh, I think this might be at a battery swry guy.
	All ages event, it says.
	Oh, no, no.
	When you try to turn it on without the hub turned on, I don't turn on the hub.
	Oh, I see.
	Bye, Felicia.
	It's so weird that they've taken this new angle in life.
	Drag queens were always the clowns of the gay community.
	It wasn't political.
	It was a silly exaggeration.
	It wasn't even as serious as that strike a pose vogue thing where they'd fall down and all that.
	That was more serious.
	That was considered their like breakdancing.
	It was as ridiculous and gay as everything else, but it had more credibility in a way.
	But the drag queens were just like silly, like literally clowns.
	Yeah.
	No one went like, did you hear what Miss fucking garbage cunt had to say about Ukraine?
	It was just, and I think they made most gays uncomfortable, just like clowns do.
	But now they're an integral part of the international discussion on children's welfare.
	How the F did we get here?
	Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out how did we arrive here.
	And like, who brings their kids?
	Like, who are the people that bring their kids there?
	Single moms, disgruntled liberals.
	It's really, you know what it's really about?
	The core of it is about hatred of Trump, hatred of Republicans.
	They just, they know that we don't like it, so they do it.
	If eating out of the ashtray pissed us off, they would all have ashes all over their lips.
	It's just to spite us.
	And they haven't thought it anywhere past that.
	And we wish they would, because sexualizing children is gross.
	It's not cringe.
	It's not offensive.
	It's gross.
	The other thing, too, is, I keep repeating this, children and sex, like, they're very weirded out by any kind of adult intimacy.
	Seeing adults kiss, a heterosexual couple kiss, when you're eight, you're just like, get out of here.
	I remember when my boy was about seven, he drew a picture and it was two people on a couch and they were watching TV.
	And I go, what's going on here?
	And he goes, oh, it's just two losers watching people kiss.
	Gav, I accidentally shit my neighbor's cat.
	Oh, shot.
	That makes a lot more sense.
	I accidentally shot my neighbor's cat the other night, thinking she was the pesky armadillo that's been rooting up my yard.
	When I found out what I'd done, I had no remorse.
	Something just felt right about it, but I doubt I'll ever do it again.
	I don't think you can do it again.
	Is the cat alive?
	My completely unrelated question is, where would one find a place to dispose of dead cats?
	Like a lot of dead.
	Like eight dead cats.
	You know that?
	What?
	You had the makings of a true serial killer.
	Yeah.
	Well, he did.
	He serial killed cats.
	Yeah, I know.
	I had a dead cat in my neighbor's yard that my neighbor, my old neighbor, was such an absolute cock, and he wouldn't look at me, and I'd smile, and he'd just frown, I guess, because he hated racist.
	You know what's amazing about you?
	You have so much animal instinct in you, and yet you kill a poor innocent cat.
	Wait, I didn't kill a cat.
	Oh, who did it?
	Your mother?
	No, Raymond.
	I'm reading a letter we got.
	Can you not see the screen?
	It's a $50 donation to the Max and John Fund where the guy killed a cat.
	I ain't killed no cat.
	You just got done saying you took a knife and you killed the cat.
	A knife?
	Yeah.
	No, I'm reading a letter from a guy who shot a cat, Sylvia.
	I ain't killed no cat.
	You said you had a knife.
	The cat was at the door.
	It annoyed you and boom.
	This is the second time this has happened to me in my life.
	When I was about 14, I was walking to school and I saw a dead cat.
	You know how they have that face?
	What's that sound?
	Someone mess around in the Parking lot?
	Anyway, I picked it up, I brought it to school, and then in our old school, the Earl of March in Canada, there was a giant rock in front of the school.
	So I propped it up on the rock in front of the school.
	So when you exited the school, 1,500 people at the Earl of March, they saw this cat, like because it had rig of mortar so I could prop it up.
	So 1,500 people saw a cat going, and they were screaming and crying.
	It was really funny.
	But the rumor became that I walked out my door, I picked up a cat, and I just smashed its head against the wall, killed it, and then brought it to school.
	So this is the second time I've been accused of killing a cat.
	Never killed a cat.
	Don't care enough about cats to kill them.
	So my neighbor had this dead cat stinking up the whole neighborhood.
	And I thought, I could be a nice guy and tell him that there's a dead cat.
	I think it was on our lawn.
	I can't remember exactly.
	Maybe.
	Or just a stray.
	Maybe, but he had a gigantic, massive mansion.
	I'd have to walk up the walkway and then deal with his bullshit.
	Maybe he thinks I'm a criminal.
	I'm going to shoot him.
	And I'm holding a dead cat.
	So I just plopped it next to a tree on his property.
	And then I had a bunch of dirt for gardening and stuff.
	And I just poured it on top of the cat.
	And then I left a note facing his property that said, dead cat with an arrow.
	Maybe he thinks I fucking killed it.
	Oh, I think the noise is back there.
	Yeah.
	So my advice for you, sir, would be to put eight cats in a large hole.
	And I'm only humoring your stupid joke because you paid 50 bucks to Max and John, $25 each.
	Patrick Bett David on YouTube just released a five-hour podcast interview with Andrew Tate.
	Yeah, that's from last week.
	It was very interesting.
	Ryan could probably.
	Ryan, we got a letter.
	Let's open the mailbag.
	Okay.
	She inspired me.
	Should we play the interstitial?
	Here we go.
	Ryan, shut up.
	You don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	Go down to pretty good Andrew Tate impression.
	Now, this is a weird idea stick.
	I'm excited to watch this because I think it's going to hurt your feelings.
	Because you've been working on your Andrew Tate so hard and failing, and this guy just knocked it out of the park.
	Let's see.
	And I'm happy that it's going to hurt you.
	That's how cruel I am.
	I don't get hurt very easily.
	So, Andrew, what do you think about drowning?
	Drowning?
	The fuck are you drowning for?
	I don't care.
	I don't want to hear the excuses.
	You've been drinking water your entire life.
	Just swallow it.
	Drink the water.
	Drink it.
	And then breathe the air.
	Imagine you're lying there and a lifeguard comes over.
	Shut the fuck up.
	I don't care.
	It's fucking ridiculous.
	Imagine you're surrounded.
	If you're a real tough G, you breathe the air, you get up, you shake it off, and do some push-ups.
	That's what I want to fucking see.
	That is what I want to fucking see.
	And that's beautiful.
	The brown people are leaving.
	We're so excited.
	Go, brown people, go.
	Don't come home.
	Did you make the Joe Biden Nazi fags one yet?
	What?
	What are you talking about?
	Oh, yeah, that doesn't make sense.
	So are you hurting as much as I want you to?
	No.
	What?
	That's someone who took away something that you wanted.
	Usually when I hear a good impression, I go, wow.
	No, I want you to be bitter.
	I'm like Howard Stern.
	All my questions are like, so were you jealous when you saw your brother was Bill Murray?
	But that's got to hurt your feelings.
	You've got to resent that, right?
	Did you always get mad?
	I heard him, when I was going on that road trip recently to Albany, he was interviewing Rosie O'Donnell, and you think of all the things you could do.
	I don't like Rosie O'Donnell, but she's done a lot of shit.
	And his main thing, and he came back to this three times, was, you had the biggest talk show in the world, and you quit it.
	And do you look back and think of all the money you could have made?
	And does that bother you?
	She's worth like, I don't know, $300 million.
	She's a fucking lesbian.
	She doesn't need any money.
	She's got a bunch of adopted kids she doesn't give a shit about.
	What?
	I wish I had $400 million?
	What is he?
	He's such a fucking petty, bitter, Long Island nerd.
	Yes, I'm avoiding the other word.
	Jerk.
	Juicy shithead.
	He's from New Jersey.
	My daughter worked in a store.
	Sylvia, are you a Jew or a Christian?
	I'm a Christian.
	What?
	I'm a Christian.
	But you're Jewish.
	Yeah, so was Jesus.
	Okay.
	My daughter worked in a toy store.
	Rosie O'Donnell came in, looked at everything, bugged the shit out of my daughter.
	How much is this?
	How much is that?
	Didn't buy anything.
	Then she said, where's the ladies' room?
	My daughter was the only one working the store.
	She said, it's over there.
	Oh, no, you got to take me to it.
	She says, oh, no, I don't.
	I'm not leaving the register.
	And she kept carrying, oh, you got to take me to the bathroom.
	My mom cut Sherry O'Terry's hair, and she didn't tip.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	These Irish people are sounding a lot like the chosen ones.
	They're part of the tribe.
	That's cheatable, huh?
	Yeah, I heard she's a nightmare shitty mom.
	Whoopi Goldberg's still alive.
	Is who?
	Whoopi Goldberg.
	Oh, I thought you said Rube Goldberg.
	Well, yeah, he died.
	A big white hand came and hit a ball that knocked down a thing, and then that went over a long circular thing that started some dominoes, and that flew up and popped a balloon, which then ignited a flame and burnt his house down.
	Yeah, Whoopi Goldberry's still alive.
	I mean, sort of.
	She's supposed to be very sick.
	Physically.
	She had the nerve when Donald Trump caught the virus and was in the hospital.
	Oh, he probably made it up.
	Now, come on.
	How friggin' petty can you be?
	What if we did a deep dive on everything stupid Whoopi Goldberg has ever said?
	Oh, jeez.
	It would be a fucking marathon episode.
	I like this one.
	Comedian goes, okay, she's a comedian, right?
	That's how she made her name.
	That's her bread and butter.
	Name a joke.
	What joke has Whoopi Goldberg ever said?
	My fellow Americans, if you have an IRA, 401k, or savings account, things are getting scary out there.
	The Biden administration has already printed more money in the past two years than the previous 100 years combined.
	Doesn't that sound like a lie?
	That can't be true.
	Yet it is.
	The national debt just hit a record $30 trillion, and inflation is the highest we've seen since 1982.
	It's only a matter of time before the House of Cards comes crashing down.
	I mean, it already is coming crashing down in a sense.
	If you have retirement savings, your money could be at serious risk.
	You know, when Biden was elected president, my dad took out 100% of all his investments, stocks, bonds, 401k.
	He lost, I don't think it was $100,000, but he lost tens of thousands of dollars.
	And my brother and I made fun of him.
	And he stirred.
	He stewed.
	He was pissed.
	And here he is now going, I told you so.
	Now you can't leave.
	And he was totally right.
	He wins.
	He was smart to turn his savings into cash.
	He's making like, I don't know, 1% a year, and he's way ahead of everyone else.
	Not losing.
	Talk to my friends at Goldco to see how you can protect your retirement.
	Ideally, there's a Goldco that comes up behind me, Ryan.
	Yep.
	That would be perfect.
	Talk to my friends at Goldco to see how you can protect your retirement with gold and silver before it's too late.
	Go to gavinlikesgold.com.
	Any day now, we could go there.
	The link doesn't work.
	Really?
	Let me see.
	I'm going to try gavinlovesgold.com.
	I'm being told.
	And they will give you up to $10,000 in free sofa.
	There we go.
	Open an account.
	Gavin LovesGold.
	So the mentally unstable, absolute trash bag of a sales guy got the name of the URL wrong in the ad.
	That's impressive.
	That almost lost as the ad.
	You know what?
	I've noticed, I have this pain in my tits, and it hurts to go like that.
	I'm like, I haven't been to the gym since I broke my hand.
	Why?
	And then I realized we have that weight set in the garage.
	I get drunk, and I go to the garage and max out till I'm like bleeding.
	That's really dangerous, man.
	Why?
	Do you have those stoppers?
	What, it's going to fall and choke me?
	Well, here's what you do.
	Do you put the collars on that clip the weights on?
	Yeah?
	Don't.
	Because if it falls on you, you could just dump it.
	Dude, I'm not lifting 500 pounds.
	Dude, a 45 could still...
	It's happened like 13 times in world history.
	And one of them was a guy who was going to court in a case that involved Hillary Clinton.
	And a couple days before the case, perfectly balanced on his neck.
	Wow.
	I mean, you think of all the different ways to get out of that.
	I understand you really hurting your windpipe.
	I understand you bruising yourself, crushing yourself.
	But like holding a weight and balancing it like a seesaw on your neck until you suffocate?
	Not possible, but not likely.
	Yeah.
	Anyway, I just stuffed an anti-Hillary Clinton conspiracy theory within an advertisement.
	That's the beauty of this show.
	So go to GavinNotLikes, loves gold, and they will give you $10,000 in free silver when you open an account.
	GavinLovesGold.com.
	Gavin LovesGold.
	I was at our local, by the way, today to pick up Sylvia.
	Had a couple beers.
	Diamonds are our girl's best friend.
	I like him, the sort of haggard chick, and then the quiet guy who always sits around the corner.
	Just fucking filling up the jukebox with new country for an hour.
	I don't dislike Toby Keith, but some of the other shit, like, that's the biggest tires I've ever seen on a pickup truck.
	You're just like, dude, shut up.
	Oh, boy.
	It's like, Sylvia cannot get here fast enough.
	I got to get out of this.
	what?
	All right.
	So we've opened that Pandora's box of the letters.
	And why don't we open that Pandora's box of the calls?
	Oh, Lord.
	That's exactly what they were playing.
	Maybe I'm a...
	Maybe I'm a grump and I'm not used to being at bars past 3 p.m.
	Or 5 p.m.
	Is that normal?
	You go out more than me.
	Is it like normal to be there at 6.30 and they're fucking rocking out?
	I guess they're just coming home from work and a couple beers before they go home.
	But you don't even like music in any bar.
	I don't like music.
	It never makes you happy.
	I think that's a song on this album.
	I don't like music.
	I don't like music.
	It's got too many notes.
	Play that song, Ryan.
	Where is it?
	I'm in Trouble.
	Something to do.
	Don't ask why.
	This album is really good.
	It's funny because they're a hardcore band at this point.
	They're just little kids.
	think the fucking Tommy Stinson was like 13.
	Hey, Colin.
	So what?
	From a good music sound.
	Get those ear pods out.
	So this is an old song, but they're making new music videos for?
	No, it's a fan video.
	This is the official Rhino Records thing, though.
	Oh, cool.
	I guess Rhino Records made a video of it.
	was 13 when he made this song and now he's like 40.
	No, he's 55.
	1981, I was 11.
	He was 13, so he's older than me.
	That chick's hot.
	Oh, dude, you want to talk about hot chicks?
	Check this out.
	I almost cried when I saw this, by the way.
	I'll send it to you.
	And the reason I almost cried, it's kind of hard to explain.
	I thought the chick was black, but I think she's a half-nip.
	To see someone who's worked their ass off and they perform a routine perfectly, not a stupid dance routine, something that's really, really hard that I don't think Maddie and I could do if they had a gun to our head for the rest of our lives.
	Like we ate right, we practice every day.
	I don't know how many years we have left, but I don't think we could ever do anything even close to this.
	I'm not sure I could ever have done it ever if I started when I was 12.
	But this little Caitlin Ohashi is perfectly in her element.
	She's doing something she's practiced 8 billion times, and she absolutely masters it perfectly.
	And she sort of reinvents the wheel a bit, like that hip-hop ballet, which is annoying, right?
	But hip-hop ballet isn't annoying to me if you can do it.
	I mean, if you can do the main thing.
	So you could break the rules if you know what the rules are.
	So she shows you that she knows what the rules are, and then she has fun and parties in between her totally amazing things.
	Look at this.
	It's bigger.
	What the fuck?
	What?
	I've watched the Olympics before.
	I've never seen anything like that.
	She's invented new moves.
	Is it gay to be impressed by this, Maddie?
	No.
	Am I less of a man?
	I could never do that ever.
	Dude, what percent of the population can, even if they practice from birth?
	laughter
	I'm going to learn how to do a standing backflip.
	Yeah, Ryan could do this.
	He's better than Jimi Hendrix.
	No, I couldn't do this, but I'm going to learn how to do a standing backflip.
	No, you're not.
	Yes I am.
	I mean, the dancing is a tiny bit cringe, I will admit.
	But then look at this.
	What?
	Her legs are like stiff as she does the flips.
	Yeah.
	She landed in a split.
	Every time you watch the Olympics and they land something like this, there's a little stutter or something after they land.
	This is zero stutter.
	It's as controlled as you and I would be if we jumped one foot.
	Yeah.
	Standing long jump.
	Me taking a step.
	Going up the stairs.
	Yeah.
	Getting high fives at the top of the stairs.
	Yay!
	You nailed it.
	Yeah, that was amazing.
	Could you do that, Sylvia?
	Of course.
	Really?
	Surprise.
	Oh, come on.
	Gavin likes gold.
	What a fucking gold.
	My younger days.
	I love gold.
	We got a couple more.
	Come on, man.
	I love gold.
	If somebody sends one more, they're going to disappear, man.
	So we got to read these so many.
	I think about the years as much as I think about a fly.
	As much as a fly does.
	Come on, man.
	Roughneck 454, Bingus, Seamus, and Tiny Hat Bear have all contributed.
	Okay.
	By the way, we only guarantee we will read these if it's over 50 bucks.
	But whatever.
	We got some time and Ryan forgot that rule.
	Is it true that Ryan found out Gavin is gay because Gavin's dick tastes like shit all the time?
	Is that true, Ryan?
	No, that's disgusting, false, and you should be ashamed of it.
	I also have wet wipes in my desk drawer.
	So that's what he calls my mom.
	Wet wipes, Rivera.
	Gav, what are your thoughts on aliens in the infinite expanse of the universe?
	Do you believe we are alone?
	Yes, I believe in God.
	We are the chosen ones.
	We're the Jews.
	We're the special ones.
	And the universe revolves around us.
	You know what it means, the chosen ones?
	It means the Jews were chosen by God and Moses to keep the Ten Commandments.
	That's all it means.
	We were the bodyguards of the Ten Commandments.
	Okay.
	I shouldn't have used the chosen ones.
	I just meant we're special.
	The universe revolves around us.
	And this is why atheists are so depressed.
	They're like, what's the point of all this?
	The point of all this is us.
	We're the plan.
	Animals are just God's jizz.
	Plants, they're all pretty and everything.
	I like a petunia, don't get me wrong.
	But it's just the ephemera.
	It's the waste.
	Like you go to a wood shop and you see sawdust on the ground.
	The sawdust is the animals and the plants and everything.
	That's what was on the floor when they made us.
	We're here for a reason.
	We're incredibly special.
	We're a gift.
	And we're also almost godlike.
	I know this sounds blasphemous, but we're almost godlike ourselves.
	Because he made us in his image and we're the only ones there are.
	Now, if an alien comes down and he's like, hey, you're wrong, I guess I was wrong.
	It could be a trick from the devil, though.
	Yeah, I'll be doing tests.
	You can't just walk up to me in a green suit and say, you are wrong.
	Gavin, who are the other people on your network?
	We got an alien here, Nancy Pelosi.
	What?
	I repeat myself.
	We got an alien here, Nancy Pelosi.
	That's a good one, yep.
	Gavin, who are the other people on your network?
	What's the origin story of Jim Goad?
	What's a Dusty Bogan?
	When does Soph turn 18?
	Also, when does Ryan turn 18 mentally?
	Dusty Bogan is like a Canadian, I mean, an Australian redneck, and he's a hoser.
	He opens up a whole continent for us.
	Jim Goad got me into writing.
	When we started Vice in 1994, we were obsessed with Answer Me, and we copied it.
	I learned my writing style from him.
	I also learned to be a grammar Nazi from him.
	If you look at the old Answer Me's, you will not find one mistake, one comma in the wrong place.
	He's a great copy editor, which sounds boring to most people, but I love the English language.
	It's not pretty.
	It's not Latin.
	It's not French or Italian, but it's a Leatherman.
	It just gets the job done.
	And to see fucking dollar signs on the right-hand side of the number is abortion.
	It breaks my heart.
	I have a whole thing on my phone.
	I have like 40 of them.
	Every time I see one, I take a screen grab and I put it in the dollar sign folder.
	I've seen it on sign signs.
	$40 off.
	Now, in Europe, the Euro is on the right-hand side.
	So I will forgive the Quebecois.
	If you're in Quebec and you put the dollar sign on the wrong side, I will give you a pass if you have an accent in French.
	But the rest of the English-speaking world?
	What are you doing?
	Craziness.
	Maddie, is that Sylv's lipstick on your lips?
	No.
	Just a good old-fashioned colesaur.
	Just a good old-fashioned colesaur.
	Coming through.
	I got it from Sylvia.
	Sylvia, you didn't kiss Maddie on the lips, did you?
	He's too young.
	You like your men older.
	He's too young.
	So does John Waters.
	I'd wear him out.
	Gavin, yeah, so we answered.
	So we got all those.
	All right, let's take some calls.
	Oh, okey dokey.
	Oh, whoa.
	And then let's go behind the pay dubs.
	Motherfucker pay dubs.
	The wild wild west of fashions.
	Just a reminder that Eric Adams said the wild, wild west when talking about when he meant the wild west.
	I was thinking about that the other day.
	I was like, that is very underrated.
	Oh, yeah.
	That's underratedly.
	Remember that, Maddie?
	What's that?
	Eric Adams, who is, if you want to see Eric Adams with clear eyes, he is a 13-year-old who won the lottery.
	That's how you have to see him.
	He's Tom Hanks in big.
	That's who Eric Adams is.
	That's who our mayor is.
	He was a shitty cop.
	Everyone hated him when he was a cop.
	He's always complaining about racism and suing people and complaining to get moved up.
	And he was talking about crime in New York and how bad it is.
	Yes, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
	And he said it's like the wild, wild west because of the movie.
	It's in his fucking 12-year-old cranium.
	This ain't a wild, wild west out here.
	You do not allow the men and women of the police department to be...
	We will not allow the men and women of the police department to be subjected to further danger, making their already difficult jobs even more horroring.
	Horroring.
	Not harrowing, but horroring.
	It's like a horror movie.
	He probably thinks that harrowing comes from horror.
	Oh, Halloween was so scary.
	It was horroring.
	Oh, I was giving out candy all night to kids dressed up as monsters.
	It was the most horroring night of my life.
	It is implemented.
	And we cannot allow the Wild, Wild West.
	When I'm bouncing through the wild, wild west, it's cold Wild, wild west The wild, wild west, it's cold Sitco.
	He's quoting Sisco.
	Not even Will Smith.
	Not even Will Smith.
	Will Smith is too cool to say Wild, Wild Wild.
	We cannot allow New York to unleash the dragon.
	That's another song for him.
	We are closing strip clubs in New York City.
	And if there are adult dancing places, you will only be able to see a thong, tha-thong, thong, thong.
	We got cover your asses.
	We don't try to see a thong tha-thong thong.
	We are instituting a curfew in New York City because we have noticed through our statistical research that the freaks come out at night.
	A lot of y'all bitches be scandalous, and you know that Eric can't handle this.
	I was born and raised in New York City.
	I used to read Word Up magazine.
	Child.
	Even look at her like she's in the fucking F1 Brotherhood.
	What is that public enemy guy, the soldiers that they'd have in the S1Ws?
	Yeah, she's standing there like an S1W.
	Calm down there, Mrs. Griff.
	Now listen, California knows how to party, but New York, New York, it's a city where dreams is made of.
	You know, we want to enforce better health codes in New York City.
	A lot of the restaurants since COVID have been thwarting these laws.
	The peas are mushy and the chicken tastes like wood.
	So I want everyone on the right, we have Republicans and we have Democrats in New York City.
	On the Democrat side, I want to hear you say there's a potty over here.
	Fuck you over there.
	Now, can I clear my throat, ladies?
	Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
	He just needs a beat box.
	That S1W should just start going.
	He's done absolutely nothing.
	He is retarded.
	And I told you, I said, he's not a cop.
	The New York Post fell for the whole cop thing, hookline and sinker.
	They're like, finally, law and order.
	We got a cop.
	Tough on crime.
	You don't have a cop.
	This is not fucking Kojak.
	This is a silly child who sues at the drop of a hat because he's lazy.
	And look at him at that gala.
	Gala where he had like a Keith Herring wannabe right all over his fucking gay coat.
	Black.
	He's always at parties.
	That's why I say the 13-year-old.
	He's Tom Hanks in big.
	He spends every night out partying, going to launches.
	He's just, this is, his budget this year is $100 billion.
	That is every person on earth donating $14 to Eric Adams.
	Starving babies in Africa.
	Some woman in India in that river where there's like a hand floating next to you.
	Some Thai rice farmer with a big straw hat has to pull out $14 for Eric Adams.
	$100 billion?
	I was outraged when we sent $40 billion to Ukraine.
	Who knew that was nothing?
	It's insane.
	What the fuck is this?
	Who is that?
	Who was that picture?
	Who does that?
	I think his mama?
	That when poll workers gave him an "I Boated" sticker, he placed it on his mother's picture before putting one on his own lapel.
	I'm not supposed to be able to do it.
	We don't get it.
	Putin is like Hitler.
	We have to stop him.
	Why is she in a Hennessy glass?
	Is that some shit in the hood I do not understand?
	Oh my God.
	You're right.
	What the fuck is that?
	She's meant to be swizzled.
	What do they call it?
	When you swirl around?
	Swill?
	Who puts their dead mother in a glass of alcohol?
	My mama always wanted to be swilled.
	My mother died of alcoholism, and we support that.
	She was the best drunk in the world.
	She was a fun drunk, and she was proud of her alcoholism, and we don't see it as a bad thing.
	We're proud of her.
	She would drink a bottle of Hennessy every day.
	Everyday New York is going to realize that they deserve the right to stand in the city also.
	Yes.
	They deserve the right.
	They deserve the right.
	Can we be not stabbed?
	Oh my God, do they have Eric Adams' masks on?
	Yes.
	Holy shit, dude.
	That's what Mugabe does.
	Mugabe has his own textile.
	His suit.
	Yeah.
	Which I would kill for, by the way.
	If there's any Zimbabweans out there, I'll pay top dollar for a fucking.
	Nita Fashions, if you're listening, can you make me a Mugabe suit?
	Oh, boy.
	I met a woman whose housekeeper is from Zimbabwe, and I was like, I need merch.
	I need merch.
	What do you got?
	She goes back to visit her family.
	Can you get me Mugabe gear?
	And then she didn't get me shit, but a baby monster heard, and I got a Zimbabwean, I believe it's a $3 million bill.
	You know that is.
	Yeah.
	It's worth like $4.
	It's our merch guy.
	Oh, is that our merch guy that got me there?
	Yeah.
	It's beautiful.
	Don't get me wrong.
	We're going to have a merch set up in Dallas too, all y'all motherfuckers.
	Mugabe is such a good leader, was such a good leader, that the majority of Zimbabweans were millionaires.
	I mean, you can't beat that.
	My name is Bob Mugabe.
	I'm the number one banana in Zimbabwe.
	I don't know what this is.
	I haven't got a clue, so I blame it.
	Seems a little boomery.
	So we're going to stop that.
	We've got calls.
	We do, we do.
	Let's take a call.
	But first, I'm going to shoot Sylvia and kill her.
	Sylvia, you had a good run?
	Let's say goodbye.
	I'm angling this now that I know it doesn't shoot that directly.
	Ready?
	Wait, does she have any last words?
	Do you want to say goodbye, your daughter or anything?
	You can't kill a Jew.
	Oh, yeah, the Romans did.
	Lights out, Jew bag.
	Close, but no cigars.
	So that's 20.
	It does 20 feet, I would say.
	So would that do the cap in the gap?
	Yeah, right?
	Yeah.
	Okay.
	Yeah, but I'm going to have to become a fucking Jesse James ninja to calculate the arc because it's not much of an arc.
	Not really.
	You do have it.
	Yeah, you do.
	Thank you, Sylvia.
	Thank you.
	You try to shoot someone in the head and they're like, good news.
	Danny's on the line.
	What's up, Danny?
	Hey, Gavin, how's it going, buddy?
	Thank you.
	Good.
	Hey, I got a song request for you.
	Okay.
	I didn't know we were DJing, but let's do it.
	I would like you to give your honest opinion on it.
	This guy named Slo Paxo.
	He's from my hometown.
	Ryan, pull this up on YouTube.
	S-L-O-P-A-X-O.
	He just released a song two days ago.
	It's called Moso.
	Slope.
	Paso.
	Slopexo.
	Slopaxo.
	I don't really know how you pronounce it.
	You don't know how to pronounce your friends, man.
	Where are you from?
	What town is this?
	Orange County, California.
	I think he lives out in LA now.
	He's an old childhood buddy, and every time I see what he's up to, I see his songs going off.
	But I don't want to influence your opinion, so I want to keep mine.
	I'll give you my honest opinion.
	Thanks for coming.
	All right.
	Thanks for calling.
	Sucks.
	Boring.
	What a waste of time.
	Stop.
	We already gave the verdict.
	Verdict.
	That was an absolute waste of time, that was.
	What a shit, boring, stupid, garbage.
	That was a true stinky third world song.
	G-Dog, did you notice that there were butt boys at your Vegas show?
	What?
	There's a guy in a chair with two dudes.
	You let us slide in there and take a pic with you.
	Butt Boys for Life.
	What do you mean?
	Someone was butting in line for selfies?
	Huh.
	It was a guy in a chair.
	I don't know.
	You should have shot him.
	Oh.
	Stabbed him.
	Oh.
	The guy in the wheelchair.
	Yeah.
	That doesn't count.
	Yes, it does.
	Wheelchair people have to wait in line.
	I don't know.
	What?
	I'm kind of pro-wheelchair get to do whatever they want, guy.
	No fucking way.
	First of all, you're sitting in a chair.
	I don't know why they get to get in front of us at the airport.
	I'll show you why.
	This is a thing that Donovan commented on also.
	Yeah, that's different.
	You saw it?
	Yes.
	Hi, everyone.
	I'm Jenny.
	I'm a wheelchair user, and I'm paralyzed.
	Okay, one detail she's leaving out.
	She was wiping her ass.
	I didn't know that.
	They did not have toilet paper on that plane, so she wiped her ass down the aisle.
	And nobody shoot her off the carpet?
	This is how I get onto a plane usually using an aisle chair.
	This is what they got me onto the plane with, but unfortunately, on my flight, they didn't have an aisle chair.
	Do you know how bad I'd feel if Donovan came all the way out to see Olympic with me and this is what he had to do?
	The problem with being a man there that wants to help her, what the fuck do you do?
	Drag her, I guess.
	Like, you can't just grab her t-shirt and pull her.
	You got to be strong enough to get your hands under her armpits.
	But now that you put your hands under her armpits, it makes her arms wider.
	And I don't think they would.
	She can get through.
	I don't think there's anything you could do.
	Like, outside of putting a rope would be ideal.
	You get a rope under her tits and through her armpits.
	Then I could pull her.
	And I could handle that.
	But I can't help you in the aisle, dear.
	One staff member quite rudely told me that disabled people should just wear nappies on board, which I find bizarre that people think that that is the solution to this scenario.
	I got a solution.
	Move your legs.
	What?
	Like, why would you just stand up and walk down the aisle, obviously?
	Why is she doing that?
	I don't know if they can.
	No, it's laziness.
	A lot of people.
	She's so lazy that she won't move her legs.
	She wants attention.
	Yes, she's doing it for attention.
	Sorry, you can't travel, Gimps.
	Let's take another call and hope it doesn't suck as bad as that.
	Absolute stinkeroo.
	This one's about music, too.
	587, you're on the line.
	Bye-bye, Kundran Jesus.
	It's so nice to get through to you, boys.
	Thank you.
	How's it going, fellas?
	So I was going to talk about music, but that last call kind of really sucked, so let's not do that.
	My girlfriend is from Zimbabwe, and I asked her about that textile.
	It's not available.
	It's not available to the public there.
	I think he got it made for himself.
	Okay, that doesn't mean you give up.
	That means you've got to break into the palace and find it or find someone who worked for him or pay a maid.
	You've got to find some stealing that made it for him.
	Yeah, it's probably, you know, honestly, it's probably actually easier just to make it ourselves.
	Because you know, you know, every time I have a dream like this, I talk to a guy who talks to the guy and then someone sets it up and then I pay like 800 bucks and then this guy sends it and you finally get it and it's like Halloween costume garbage polyester.
	And you're like, this is not what I imagined.
	Although he is such a megalomaniac, it's probably high-quality fabric.
	Is he wearing the Jurassic?
	Wait, how'd you just change the color there?
	It's keyed out for the Super Icy.
	Yep.
	Sorry, sir.
	Go ahead.
	Go ahead, color.
	Sorry?
	Oh, I said the one I saw, it was like a bright orange pumpkin color with his stupid face all over it.
	Exactly like those Eric Adams masks.
	Yeah.
	It would be funny to show up at an important event, like an awards ceremony, and just have the Academy Awards and just have a Mugabe suit on and never mention it.
	But would it be funnier if it was his face or your face in his image?
	With the Zimbabwean floor.
	Look at that suit.
	My kingdom for that suit.
	That's the ultimate Chad move, Gabby.
	Yeah, I don't know.
	Yeah, maybe you're right.
	That could be funny.
	It's a different kind of joke, though.
	What the fuck is on your head?
	I guess it's just a beret.
	You have to have a beret.
	Everyone needs a beret.
	Look at that.
	So it's not just, it's not just one or two suits.
	His entire wardrobe is Robert Mugabe-based.
	I remember I read this great article about his, he had these gold glasses that were 100% like 14 karat gold.
	And the writer, who was African, said, it is unclear if he is wearing the glasses or the glasses are wearing him.
	Fancy the cowboy hat for a little bit.
	Cowboy hat.
	This guy fucking rules.
	He's the best evil person, better than Hitler.
	Look at him.
	Eat your heart out, Stalin.
	Did you hear about his secretary?
	So he has a bunch of kids and he sent them overseas to get educated or whatever.
	And then he just gave the country to his secretary that he was voning.
	Yeah, yeah, because she gave good head.
	And that started a revolution, obviously, because the people were not happy about some slut getting the country as a gift.
	All right, thanks, Tom.
	I'm simply out of time.
	Bye.
	Oh, that's a Perry reference.
	I'm simply out of time.
	I'm De Niro, baby.
	Okay, I think we should go behind the paywall now.
	But before we do, guys, we have new sauces coming next week.
	A new precious metals company coming onto the show this month.
	Sports betting is coming back this month.
	And those established titles, guys, are coming back in November.
	You're actually going to be able to buy a plot of land next to my plot of land in Scotland.
	So stay tuned and thanks.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	Again, Nita Fashions is on tour.
	Contact them.
	I'm ow!
	Ha ha.
	That didn't really hurt.
	It just scared me.
	Aww.
	My first instinct.
	Now, what's wrong with my Scottish accent?
	It puts me in a bad mood for hours.
	But what exactly about it sucks?
	Because I really worked on it after a couple of days.
	Okay, do a sentence and then I'll do a sentence.
	Okay.
	Well, how about you do it first?
	No, that's cheating.
	Okay.
	Let's see.
	So the real problem that we've got.
	Like real.
	Why do you gotta come in with real?
	Why do you gotta suck it up into your face somewhere?
	Well, I think they do a lot of trill in their.
	A lot of trill in that.
	They do a lot of trill in that.
	Are you from Norway?
	Are you a Scottish guy that lived in Finland for a long time?
	When you wear a cult.
	When you wear a cult.
	When you're out there on the field, I fight for my meals.
	It's not to be persistent, or whatever you call it.
	It's not bad, is it?
	It's got a tinge of not so.
	When you wear a kilt, when you're out there, you fight for your meals.
	You've got this thing where you go down like that.
	You know who I'm basing it on?
	mulatto guy.
	Now, the reason why he talks so anglicized is because if I were to talk...
	Wait.
	He's been totally eviscerated by that dude with the mustache who goes through all the blackifization of history in general, but also British history.
	Bruce Fummy?
	Yeah, he's a white dude who happens to have a black dad.
	And I'm talking about the guy you just showed.
	Is there a debate that he does?
	Oh, maybe that's a different guy, actually.
	I mean, he does inject racism.
	Don't learn your Scottish impression from a fucking...
	No.
	Like, if you want to learn Scottish, dude, watch Rab Nesbitt.
	That's Glaswegian.
	I think that's a step above a regular Scottish accent.
	Yeah.
	So if you're not going to be able to do it, if you want to spar, spar with someone who's a better fighter than you.
	Oh, that's true.
	fighting a girl jet push out a fight I thought it was a coup I'm banging up it's like that laughter Alright.
	A coup?
	He thought it was a cow.
	He thought it was a coup.
	That's a fat, ugly girl.
	Let me see.
	I'm looking for this drum here.
	You any idea where it is?
	I'm looking for the students.
	You have any idea what it is?
	That's when his son ran away from home and he had to go to London.
	And he asked this British, he goes, See, see my win.
	He's going away and all that.
	I can't find him.
	I'm fucking driving all over London trying to find my win.
	And the British guy's like, I'm sorry.
	I can't understand you.
	And he goes, you can't understand me.
	Do you watch EastEnders?
	And he goes, EastEnders, the show.
	Yes, I enjoy it very much.
	And it's an Australian soap opera.
	He's like, that's fucking from halfway around the world.
	I'm from up the roads.
	And you can't understand me.
	Or watch still game with subtitles.
	Is that your culture?
	Are you George Bish?
	Ah, George Bish.
	Ask him if he's Cape Mish, man.
	Ask him.
	Shut up, man.
	Shut up.
	Are you Cape Mish?
	Aye, that's right.
	Couple of Egypt.
	Bows.
	Yeah.
	You stupid pop cup.
	Deliance, man.
	Yeah, you do need subtitles.
	You didn't get that?
	No.
	You stupid coo?
	That I heard.
	Now what she said.
	Yeah.
	You stupid-Oh!
	Stupid old cow.
	You've got an empire biscuit in there.
	He's obviously special and he likes empire biscuits.
	Maddie, when you see that, do you think of like going there as a kid in the fucking rain and the drik and the gray?
	Oh.
	Where would they be without booze?
	Wait, now I'm addicted.
	Big cocks.
	Jesus.
	Big cocks.
	Big cocks.
	Jesus.
	But I never hiked it.
	Let's say smashing.
	£2.60, please.
	Do call again.
	Victor, would you love?
	Not smashing £2.60.
	Do call again.
	Did you get that?
	I heard all that, yeah.
	Okay.
	Yeah, it's much tamer, these guys.
	What kind of Scottish accent is that?
	It's Glasgow.
	Is it?
	Yeah.
	Rob Nesbitt is like working-class drunk slur.
	These guys are more buttoned up, but they're from the same street.
	I'm not.
	I'm not.
	They must be taking over Navid's shop.
	I've never seen this episode.
	It gives me great pleasure to see.
	He does go, Greet, they do roll their R's.
	I never said they don't roll their R's.
	I just don't like the oopa loopa ookie dookie thing you do.
	All right, cheer.
	It's like, it's not an upy-downy.
	It's like a constant exhale.
	Like, see, you people hanging is too good for you.
	I'm not going to tolerate this, by the way, there, big man.
	I've been doing this for too long to be waiting around listening to you go up and doing and up and doing up the fucking Glen Carey, Glenn Ross, and all that, by the way, there, Big Man.
	It's absolutely unacceptable.
	It's there's no ookie-bookie.
	All right.
	It's a car pulling into a driveway.
	Serious people, it's going to be no more.
	I'll tell you that right now.
	There's no going to change in a million years, by the way, there, big man.
	Now, I don't know what content to Mugabe suit.
	I used to work for a motocross manufacturer where we would use a process called dye sublimation and heat transfer degrade jerseys.
	Not the kind your spinster aunt uses for her Etsy store.
	We're talking pro MX jerseys.
	there were many different types of fabric we use.
	Pretty sure there's a basic that would sublimate well and still feel like a good suit.
	If you can't get the actual Mugabe fabric, I think this may be the root.
	Okay, what about this?
	What if I talk to Nita Fashions and I say, how much roll do you need for a suit?
	I don't know.
	Say it's like five yards by a yard, right?
	Five by one yards.
	So I ship that to these guys.
	And I get my Mugabe suit.
	Oh.
	I could do it on Photoshop, maybe.
	So they, they, yeah, we get the print.
	That's easy enough.
	We could just look at it and recreate it.
	And that wrinkle you just saw was because it's a finished t-shirt.
	I'm going to be sending them just five yards of fabric.
	There's going to be no wrinkles to worry about.
	And then I send it back to Nita Fashions, and they make my fucking Mugabe suit.
	And then I start going to important functions.
	It was a Mugabe suit.
	In a Mugabe suit?
	Funerals.
	Yeah, you're just booking funerals to go to?
	Important talks.
	Oh, my God.
	I'm doing a talk at Penn State in October.
	That would be so good to get out there.
	Hello.
	Turns into that frog.
	Let's get behind the paywall.
	You've had enough fun.
	We're going to go take some calls, get to know our people.
	My favorite thing about Thursday nights is we get to know the baby monsters.
	We get to know the people who pay $10 a month to watch all of our shows, which are, I'd say, like five hours a day of total content.
	A lot of shit.
	More than you should be watching.
	If you're watching everything on censored.tv, you got to get a life.
	When we started it, I felt bad saying new shit every day because it wasn't true.
	So I didn't say it.
	But now it's, oh yeah, there's more than you can watch, more than you can handle.
	And I do six days a week.
	Sometimes the show is an hour if Ryan's away and we're in a rush.
	Sometimes like tomorrow, it's four hours.
	And that's how you hear about fun events like our show in Dallas this weekend, Friday and Saturday, our show in Chicago coming up, starring Crip Daddy.
	Woo!
	Crip Daddy can't get on planes with that stupid wheelchair.
	So one of the only opportunities he has to do his stand-up, which is ironic, is when the promoters are in Chicago.
	So he's going to be there in his little chair doing his little like, hair joke.
	It's so funny that he looks like the scariest guy in Better Call Saw, and he's the least scary guy in Better Call Earth.
	But yeah, he'll be there.
	And then we have a New York thing.
	We'll have to announce that like eight seconds before because New York is a big Antifa town.
	Although, maybe we should just tell them and rough them up like we did.
	I will clap some cheeks.
	When we did an NYU, we beat up like dozens of Antifa when I did my NYU talk until some of the guys felt bad.
	Remember Friar Tuck?
	Yeah.
	He was like, I got to stop.
	He's a monster.
	He played football in college.
	He's like 30 feet tall.
	He's a giant.
	And he goes, after a while, it wasn't fun.
	It was kind of sad.
	Anyway, yeah.
	So see you in Dallas tonight.
	And for those of you who are willing to forego the cost of a beer and a half a month, we will stick around.
	And for you freeloaders, sorry, party's over.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	And never stop fighting.
	Violent protest over a speaker on campus here.
	Fuck you, Normie.
	He is apparently a Canadian writer, actor, comedian.
	He's the co-founder of Vice.
	No fuck another vagina, you gross pigs.
	Serious episode on the comedy of the speaker.
	You got big fucking pigs.
	I watched that and I said, this chick's too retarded to fucking do it.
	They take anything you say and then fucking twist it around.
	This is the part of Seth that's gonna get real mean before I leave.
	Wow.
	I see booty!
	I think booty!
	I think booty!
	I think I see!
	No more filthy.
	You c***.
	They think we want to tell those kind of jokes.
	That's right.
	Get your tickets.
	TinyURL.com slash CensoredLive.
	That's CensoredLive for dates and tickets.
	Don't miss the tickets.
	available VIP tickets.
	And of course, you can catch us in Chicago, New York, and the upcoming show in Dallas.
	Four shows, two nights.
	Ladies and gentlemen, get your tickets.
	tinyroll.com slash censored live.
	Everybody from censored up TV special guests meet and greet Of course a delicious merch table with souvenirs that you're gonna want to take home and maybe even get signed.
	Who knows?
	Gonna be a little spicy.
	Timeurl.com slash censored live.
	Back to the show.
	Didn't you just repeat what I just said?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	I wanted to fill the dead air.
	Well, it's a commercial break.
	I wonder if they have to get weird insurance when you make something like this.
	Like, what if a kid shoots someone in the eye?
	How does Nerf survive?
	They must have insane insurance.
	Have they ever been sued?
	Nerf?
	They have to.
	Look up Nerf Litigation.
	That's a good name for a band.
	I gotta put that on my list.
	Nerf litigation.
	Litigation.
	Very difficult litigation.
	Very nerf litigation.
	She did.
	I have hundreds of band names.
	Want to hear some?
	Yeah.
	Nerd.
	Wait, Nerf Litigation.
	I've got a I've got a Discord for my music group, guys, and they there's an entire channel for just band names, and they're come up with some good ones.
	Nerf Litigation.
	Crucified Cat, Completely Nude.
	Literal Pigs.
	Pat's Pretty Finger.
	Which is Manicurist by the Duns.
	Maybe Joe Tonelli goes there.
	Sore skin.
	Sugarless Ketchup.
	Silly Fag.
	Casual crustaceans.
	Soggy idiots.
	Unopened Cheetos.
	Vaginal barf.
	Begging for chlamydia.
	Perpetual herpes.
	Lion-eyes.
	Salami snack cup.
	Some of these could go.
	Steve-O's veneers.
	I got some.
	The Gapers.
	Zippertits.
	Zippertits.
	Hobo Piss.
	Neutral Spirits.
	Less Fucks Winds.
	Hand in Maidstale.
	What the fuck?
	Sperm Brain.
	Don't Hate It.
	Somebody says Kielbasa, and then also Kilbasa.
	Naked Grapes.
	Finer Grind.
	The Bad Bit.
	Knuckle Fairy.
	Urey Thrill.
	Italian Guy Zip Tide.
	Zip Tide Italian Guy Flows Better.
	Yeah, Zip Tide Italian Guy.
	Peace Deal, Fuel Poverty.
	Hassan Dyker.
	Here Comes the Neighborhood.
	Holy fuck.
	That's an album cover.
	An album name, not a band.
	Here comes the Nebu.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Absolutely.
	Full-on semi.
	Full-on semi.
	Here comes the neighborhood.
	The Rice Punchers, Structural Ribbons.
	Structural Ribbons is good.
	Neo Fallacy.
	That's pretty cool.
	Let's take a call.
	And how's the chat doing?
	Oh, let's see.
	How are the chats doing?
	Probably writing some hits.
	Dude, the fucking that cool Australian band is going to be here tomorrow night that we're going to miss because we'll be in Dallas.
	No, not the chats, but Amel and Sniffers.
	No kidding.
	A bunch of Prowboys are going to be there incognito.
	I feel like if you go first row, you'll probably see a little veg.
	Motocross guy, can you contact mailbag at sensor.tv and we can work something out?
	Dare to dream.
	Check out Loaf on YouTube.
	He does hidden cameraman on the street pranks.
	The Another Fair, Another Trespass, or something familiar.
	I'm dubious.
	I'm dubious.
	It's funny how I didn't realize how subjective comedy and beauty is.
	I assumed we were all on the same page.
	Especially if you're a baby monster and you like this show, we probably have the same taste.
	And it's true of bands.
	I would say out of the bands I get sent for opening song, 80 to 90, 85%, I go, oh, that's a great fucking song.
	Thank you.
	With chicks, when I find them, obviously they're very attractive if they're being sent to me, but in the snob level of top 5% of pretty girls in the world, I would say I find them attractive 40% of the time.
	And then with humorous videos, 30%.
	What you're thinking?
	You can't be going back to fairs because of the last couple fairs, but this is a festival.
	It's not a fair.
	So I think that's different.
	But we got to get like costumes and stuff.
	So I'm hoping that this Halloween store has some because around where I live, there's not a lot of places that sell costumes.
	And the one place that we used to go get our costumes, we can't go back because of Edge here, and they banned us.
	Get you an axe?
	All right, so he dresses up.
	OK.
	Black guys with an axe scare me after that fucking New York dude.
	He's taking 30 pictures per second.
	And I'm about to be plundering 30 villages per second after this show.
	Are we the entertainment?
	No.
	The Tortuga Twins are there.
	You present the Tortuga Twins.
	We are past the Tortuga Twins.
	We all shall have.
	I'm actually being at the Renaissance Fair and being sensitive.
	There weren't black guys back then.
	They said we could talk to you.
	Just bring in professional camera equipment.
	Do you think this is professional?
	Well, he's deaf.
	He's deaf, though, so he can't hear you.
	That's fair.
	You can put that down and put this up.
	Take your picture.
	That would be fine.
	So what makes the difference with this and this?
	If we do get notifications that he's been doing it again, it might be a different conversation from one of my favorite things.
	Like is he going to duel me or?
	They cannot be together.
	Yeah, dummies, you should have been filming with an iPhone this whole time.
	iPhones are awesome.
	The iPhones are about, what would you say, Ryan?
	I'm into percentages tonight.
	I'd say the quality of iPhone filming is like as far as holding one of our Sony cams.
	It's like 15, 20% worse.
	Just about.
	Yeah.
	It's hard to tell the difference.
	I mean, if you get some nice depth of field and some good lenses, then it's...
	Yeah.
	That's like making fun of Ryan Catsu Rivera.
	I go there and have fun and don't make fun of it.
	I like it.
	Exactly.
	That's my point.
	It's the Special Olympics.
	I used to work there.
	It's awesome.
	Yeah, I can tell.
	I think.
	Sylvia, what are you doing?
	You're on a TV show.
	I'm listening.
	Okay, what did we just say?
	Okay.
	The number one problem with Americans.
	No, no, your microphone's got to be next to your face, John Waters.
	The number one problem with Americans is weight.
	We are a generation of junk food eaters.
	Everybody wants to lose weight.
	You know what?
	An apology is in order.
	I thought you weren't listening.
	but that's what we were talking about.
	What is satisfying to you that you have to eat all kinds of junk food?
	You eat big meals.
	It's got all of these addictive chemicals in it that make you need more.
	Maddie and I are both heavily addicted to extra hot Cheetos.
	We're not proud of that, by the way.
	It's not like potheads where they go, I love my pot addiction, and they wear shirts.
	You're not grossly over.
	You hate our Cheetos addiction.
	But you're not grossly overweight.
	A lot of Americans are.
	Oh, really?
	What do you call this?
	That's a belly that you get from middle-aged and drinking beer.
	See, the middle ages are beautiful.
	It's a beer belly.
	You got it from the Renaissance Fair.
	Well, it's not the Middle Ages.
	Fidel Castro once said, you can tell a real man from his giant beer belly.
	He was selling his short Cuban beer, which I had in Cuba, and no one is impressed with my taste in beer.
	Cuban beer is shocking.
	It tastes like powdered beer.
	It is the shittiest fucking beer imaginable, and I'm no beer stop.
	It's garbage.
	Garboosh.
	What are you looking at on your phone?
	about wage.
	This generation is Yeah.
	It isn't just junk food.
	American people.
	Get the mic by your face.
	Pretend it's a cock.
	They overeat.
	Period.
	It doesn't matter.
	They do not eat menstrual blood.
	That's not true.
	Or potato chips.
	They overeat with everything, not just junk food.
	You know what I'm realizing?
	They're not happy with one slice of pizza.
	They need two or three slices of pizza.
	Whether it's a man or woman.
	These are so funny.
	And what do most parents do?
	They drag their kids to Chuck E. Cheese or McDonald's or Burger Kings.
	Okay?
	Disney rules.
	Ryan Rivera brought his baby to Disney so she could pig out on Mickey Burgers.
	She didn't eat Mickey Burgers.
	Yeah, babies don't like it.
	You failed.
	I wouldn't have given her Mickey Burgers, I promise.
	You know what's weird about Paris?
	Which I learned about when I was in jail?
	Grand Polis.
	They have a diet that you live 10 years longer.
	You eat rice and beans, preferably not from the can, but you can eat it from the can, the beans.
	Okay?
	And then you eat meat, an ounce of meat once a month.
	And fresh fruits and fresh vegetables, organic.
	It'll add 10 years to your life.
	But look at that jogger who started the jogging.
	He got older.
	He figured he could still play tennis like a young dude and jog.
	So he had a heart attack and he croaked, okay?
	Now there's good things about being old.
	I'll show you one example.
	I could go to a young, hot-looking dude and peel his arm up.
	They don't stop me because I'm old.
	So great for being old.
	An old broad.
	What do you think of this guy?
	That's me.
	Looks like a weird.
	What?
	You got a tattoo on your shin?
	What do you mean?
	No.
	You got a weird blue towel on.
	No, I don't.
	You got a tattoo on your bicep and then some weird shin tattoo.
	No, I'm wearing just a regular shirt.
	No, you're wearing a white t-shirt.
	No, that's another guy.
	That's gray.
	That's a different guy.
	The guy next to him is bone legged.
	Yes, thank you.
	Sorry, I have the same problem AI has, which is cannot tell chinks apart.
	I don't know if that's how they document it.
	They probably call it something else like face recognition errors.
	That'd be funny if there's a meeting at the CTCA.
	I don't know what the acronym is.
	It's some like dental company.
	And you walk in and you're like, yeah, I'm so glad we're finally having this meeting here.
	I have trouble with it.
	Sometimes I'll be too scared to ask the Asian guy I'm talking to if it's a different Asian guy.
	And they'll go, I don't know.
	Are you a dentist?
	And you'll go, wait, this is the CTCA, right?
	Yeah.
	I thought this was a Can't Tell Chinks apart meeting.
	And they're like, no, this is the Connecticut Technicians of Canker Awareness.
	I am so sorry.
	Wow.
	Wrong room.
	Is there a different room where we...
	Is it 303?
	Oh, God.
	Look, look, look.
	Wait, is that Mao Saisong?
	I'm going to forget everything I see.
	It's not about that.
	This is all temporary stimulation.
	It's expanding my body.
	I could be at Rikers right now.
	The amount of stimulus could be best buy.
	It would be the exact same.
	There's not cartoon mouses there.
	I could be with Maddie and Gavin at a bar right now by the fucking vending machine that has the rubber ducks.
	Oh, I found a gayer me.
	That's not possible.
	It is, and I did.
	Next to the Ray's Starlight Cafe.
	I worked so hard to get this picture, and then somebody points out in my Telegram group, look at that.
	Am I being followed by feds?
	Wait, what is that?
	That's a fucking guy doing the shh sound.
	Where?
	Oh, wait, go back.
	I was looking at the blue plastic thing.
	A white plastic thing.
	Whoa, that's weird.
	What the fuck, right?
	He's facing you.
	Yes.
	That's weird.
	Dude, really?
	That is weird.
	And who does that?
	That's what I'm saying.
	That's weird.
	That's a weird one.
	Does he look like a Disneygoer with glasses on and a folded hat?
	He looks like a guy who was in the military, retired.
	He's got a great pension, like $120 a year.
	And he does security at Disney, which is $210 a year.
	right.
	Obviously, he gets taxed pretty heavily, but he's basically making $350 taxes ream him, but not in Florida.
	I don't think these are important details, but go ahead.
	Well, that's important details.
	But you think he's maybe a PI and he's so.
	No, not a PI.
	He does security at Disney.
	Oh.
	And then the FBI contacts him and they go, there's a member of a terrorist group coming.
	Keep your eye on him.
	He might be planning to blow shit up because of Gen 6.
	He's planning to be cute with Madots.
	He's with a tiny terrorist.
	Now, I got a good question.
	Was there such a thing as the A-Team?
	I don't know.
	Yes.
	There was a documentary in the 80s about them.
	It was called the A-Team, and they would feature them in various scenarios.
	There was a guy named Face.
	There was a guy, George Pippard, who loved it when a plan came together.
	There was an African-American gentleman who was scared of flying named Mr. T. Hannibal Lecter.
	Tyroneous?
	I don't know.
	Hannibal, but I don't know.
	P.A. But I'm talking was a real A-Team.
	Yes.
	Yes, that's what the show was based on.
	It was based on the actual guys.
	This is the Netflix documentary right there.
	Dude, have you seen the new movie A-Team?
	I think you would make it.
	It is so good.
	They're on a plane, and they realize the plane is going to crash.
	The plane is transporting a tank.
	Right?
	What do you do when a plane with a tank in it is going to crash and you're going to die?
	You jump out with a parachute.
	No.
	You get in the tank.
	You drive the tank out of the plane.
	It goes straight down.
	To slow down the velocity of the tank, you shoot at the ground.
	Oh, yeah.
	That slows you right down.
	Wow.
	You make a great point.
	Thank you, Physics.
	I'm going out in the plane.
	It's a pretty good movie.
	It's so bad.
	You know what else is cool?
	Found this.
	Oh, they spelled care wrong.
	Let's take a call.
	Speaking of the 18 being real, I was in Jamaica and the room we got came with a nanny.
	This is when my daughter was two.
	And my son wasn't even born.
	I had no other kids.
	And it was cool because you could go party and they'd take your daughter for a long walk and give her an ice cream cone.
	It was a babysitter.
	And the fucking, my black friend Derek kind of stopped being my friend after I wouldn't shut up about this.
	But she goes, I got to be honest, you know, people talking about Santa Claus and riding around in the sky and giving presents to all the kids for one night.
	He's flying around.
	I don't think I believe it.
	No.
	You're kidding.
	How do you react to that?
	So I just responded with, don't destroy my dreams.
	You got to go with humor on that.
	Yeah.
	Right.
	That's your only way out.
	Yeah.
	Are you trying to tell me that Santa Claus is not real?
	Well, way to crack that cold case.
	You ran the forensics.
	You did the fingerprints on some of the presents.
	Oh, God.
	Wow.
	I did a DNA test on the cookie that was half eaten.
	It was my dad.
	I'm starting to worry about my granddaughter.
	Today she came to visit me, and she's wearing the picture of the Texas chainsaw killer.
	Oh, my God.
	And then she's got a picture with Chucky.
	Yep, he was a dog that murdered people.
	So you think she's becoming a psychotic serial killer, like the cat guy?
	No.
	I just think she's a perverted Latino.
	She's a dude?
	A perverted Latino.
	Latinx.
	Latina.
	You got to add an A for a short time.
	She's a Jew Rican.
	Right, but you got to say Latina.
	Latino.
	Latina.
	It's Tina.
	Oh, because she's a girl?
	Yeah.
	Is that politically correct for your generation?
	In all her relationships with men, she's the boss.
	And she gets away with it because she's beautiful.
	Yeah, but with Latinas, and I've never really dated one in a serious way besides a quick bang, but my friends who have dated them, like Colombians especially, you gotta fucking not hit them, but you gotta keep them in line.
	Because if you are subservient to their dominant ways, you get dumped.
	The whole marriage falls apart.
	You can't give them an inch.
	It's like a Rottweiler.
	Latinas are pit bulls.
	You gotta keep them in line or they bite you.
	Yeah, but you gotta remember, my granddaughter's half Jewish.
	I got that from Jew Rican.
	She's a Jew Rican.
	When you were with her and you said Jew Rican, I thought you meant she didn't have deodorant on.
	You thought, what?
	Did you ever think of being a producer?
	Yeah, that's my goal.
	They go down to Ryan's level.
	Yes, I think you'd make a great one.
	You should YouTube Kyle Royer's sword, or as black people pronounce it, sword.
	This guy has the sprinkles of blacksmithing.
	I'm reading this from far away here, and it's small type.
	The pattern he is able to make on the blade by how he folds the steel, spelled wrong, is incredible.
	No.
	We're trying to entertain people here on a Thursday night.
	We're not going to look at tradesmen being really good at steel.
	What did you think of Americans in New York are really good at steel?
	What did you think of Lenny Bruce?
	Pioneer, incredibly funny, layers and layers of brilliant comedy, And even his mumblings, it's sort of like Jimi Hendrix, where you re-listen to it and then you hear jokes that you hadn't heard before because he was just throwing them out there.
	And I think the cartoon, Thank You Maskman, is great because they animate even his most inane ramblings, like the throwaway lines, and you realize the incredible quality of them.
	And I think he was terrorized by the state because he was a pioneer.
	He invented swearing and comedy and raunchy comedy, really.
	He was the first to, I mean, obviously there's been edgy satire forever, but he was the first man, especially in America, to totally push it, like way before punk rock, to totally push it past the limit.
	He was arrested for profanity, and I think that chipped away at him.
	Comedians want to be liked ultimately.
	That's why they're standing on stage and saying, look at me.
	And the fact that he was loved by the people, but the fact that the authorities hated him, chipped away at him, and the stress led him to drugs.
	And I think that's why he OD'd.
	I'm not making excuses for junkies, but you could argue that the state murdered him.
	But he was an incredible man.
	You know, he said, people say I'm sick.
	I'm the doctor.
	I'm here to fix you.
	You're sick.
	Society is sick.
	Tune in to Mask Man for a second.
	He emphasized what most people would think but wouldn't come out and say.
	Yes, he invented that.
	This is a beautiful person.
	There hasn't been one God like that.
	Every God always stuck around.
	So just stop.
	To be clear here, we've shown this on the show before, but the Lone Ranger just saved everyone.
	And then they were saying, thank you, Masked Man.
	Thank you, Masked Man.
	And he galloped away.
	And the mayor is like, fuck.
	I guess that's a great guy.
	He didn't even listen to anything.
	Yeah.
	He don't even take thank you.
	They all take.
	He don't take, I'm telling you.
	Now, to be clear here, stop.
	This is not a script.
	This is just him riffing on stage, and someone took what he said, made it into a script, and animated it.
	So the back and forth of the two guys is just off the dome.
	Freestyling.
	Freestyle?
	It looks like a script someone spent months on.
	This is just him barfing something out at an open mic in fucking lower Manhattan in 1955.
	Wait a minute, we all got coffee and cake.
	Wait a minute.
	Wait a minute, you answer.
	Wait a minute.
	I'm not even sure what she is now.
	Start to get mad.
	She made coffee and cake and everything.
	Bad said, is he kidding?
	Was he too good for everybody?
	He saw the only camera.
	He made coffee and cake and I smucked Rhizoff.
	And he laughed at us, I'm telling you.
	He went high up in her hand like that.
	He don't let him tell you.
	To think.
	Bad, I take it.
	He saw the old lady came out.
	Like that part.
	He's doing multiple.
	He's doing multiple characters.
	He's like, he saw the old lady came out.
	He's talking about his mother who made cake and cookies and everything and coffee.
	And if you were in the audience watching, you'd be like, wait, who's saying that part?
	You'd have to imagine what we're looking at.
	Yeah, you'd have to imagine the other guy.
	Coffee Piat.
	You couldn't be drunk at a Lenny Bruce show.
	You'd have to fucking do Coke first.
	Not a nice guy.
	He's a nice guy having these bullets, everybody.
	I don't get to sell me these bullets.
	You know why these are bullets?
	I bet you give you a Dr. Ehrlich the magic bullet 606.
	But that's simple as I don't even get that part.
	Sure, that's what he's saying.
	He's saying his own way that the whole world is simplest.
	And that's why he rides over this mouth code.
	He's making this up as he goes, by the way.
	Emmett, I'm telling you.
	Hey, Pop, bring him back.
	I'm going to kick his ass all over the lot.
	Now, bring him back to right now.
	I'm going to kick his ass all over the lot.
	That's the Lone Ranger.
	Nastman, what's your story, buddy?
	You know, Mr. D'Angelo used a hopping ass mad at you.
	His mommy made all my hot catting gigs, and you run off.
	Runned off and didn't wait for nothing.
	How come you're so smart?
	Can we stop for a second here?
	You're in a comedy club in New York in the 50s.
	This guy's on stage.
	It's one in the morning.
	And he's doing, like, you've never heard this before.
	People must be going, who is that guy now?
	Is that the same guy that was saying the bullets are some sort of symbol saying we all have syphilis?
	Or is it the guy who said she made the coffee and the cake and everything?
	Or is it a different guy?
	And then you hear these accents and go, I guess it's a different guy.
	You'd probably walk out of there smarter.
	You'd be like, I can now understand more shit.
	I was making fun of, what was it?
	Haiti for going backwards.
	No, Iran went backwards in time.
	We've gone backwards in time.
	This wouldn't fly today.
	Dude, have you ever seen the coil and sharp thing?
	That's not a C thing.
	It's from the 50s.
	Just listen to a piece of this.
	No, thanks.
	It's going to suck because you like it.
	It literally wouldn't.
	Pat Dixon showed me.
	It's actually funny.
	And I don't deserve to like a thing like this.
	That's how good it is.
	Okay, that makes it good, though.
	The Americans climbed flagpoles, sat on steeples, and in general pursued perilous activities for limited reward.
	Coyle and Sharp attempt to revive this courageous spirit by offering a rather unusual job to a young man who is surprisingly fearless.
	They can be an employee that Mal is a radio interviewer and Jim an employer.
	This is Mal Sharp with another in the series, Job Opportunities.
	Every day I bring an employer out onto the street and have him offer a San Franciscan an interesting and novel job.
	Now I have James B. Coyle with me, our employer of the day, and I've just stopped a young man who's going to offer a job to him.
	I am James B. Coyle.
	I'm very glad to meet you.
	Slavy.
	The nature of the job is it's a little unusual.
	Just like anything else, there are certain risks entailed in it.
	You would be working down in a pit in which I have Created through scientific endeavor, I have created intense flame.
	People throw objects in the flaming pit, you go through, you pick them up, they name the object, you pick them up, and I charge them admission.
	Yeah, I think I'd be interested.
	There's something new and exciting.
	The reason I ask, I had an employee before, and I will tell you.
	It gets worse and worse.
	So you're going to be surrounded by psychotic maniacs.
	That's like shoot the freak in Coney Island.
	So let me just recap the job.
	You'd be in a pit surrounded by flame, somewhat of a hellish landscape with a man.
	Get back to Lenny Bruce.
	Okay.
	We got your point.
	What do you think of Seinfeld?
	I fucked him at a party once because I had Coke.
	You don't like him?
	He likes him just fine.
	He fucked him.
	His ass is way too big.
	It's like throwing a wiener down a hallway.
	My ass is so big.
	What's with guys fucking me every time they have Coke?
	I asked him if he has coke and he's got cock.
	Look at this.
	Thank you, Master.
	People at Long Island.
	Look at all the thank you, Master.
	Come in on the mailbox and see the Thank You Mask Man man for you today.
	So he goes, I don't.
	Okay, this is what's great.
	This is why I brought this up.
	So Lone Ranger's point is, I can't sit there waiting for thank yous or I'll get addicted to them and I'll always be like, where's my thank you?
	And I'll start demanding it.
	Then he adds these two.
	I don't know what the fuck they are.
	I don't know enough about religion.
	These two like Protestant druids or Catholic?
	What are they?
	Evangelists?
	Jewish?
	Evangelists?
	What?
	A lot of good things to say, you know.
	He's got the whole brains after all.
	Paul, Luke, and all them people.
	Some of them fooled with my mail.
	I know it.
	Some of us fooled them in my mail.
	Where's my thank you mass man?
	There are no more thank you mass men.
	The messiah returned during the night.
	The messiah?
	Like, he just throws these religious guys in as he's mumbling.
	That's why I've showed you this cartoon.
	Because if you were just watching him on stage, or worse, hearing it, you'd be like, who the fuck are those religious guys?
	Someone drew it, and it's still confusing.
	What do you do with me?
	Well, you see, men like yourself, you thrived upon the continuance of segregation, violence, and disease.
	Now the Messiah has returned all as pure.
	You're in the shithouse.
	laughter Thank you.
	Anyway, brilliant.
	You know, a modern example of that, though, is this guy.
	What's his name?
	Sharpling?
	Look up Rock, Rot, and Rule.
	So this guy would be different.
	Sharpling and Worcester, they would be...
	He'd be different callers, and he would argue with himself on the phone.
	And this is a thing.
	People took it totally seriously.
	He had organized all music into three categories.
	Rock.
	Bands either rock or they rot or they rule.
	And he would purposely pronounce it so it was hard to hear.
	So they'd be like, what about the Beatles?
	Beatles rock.
	And they're like, what?
	And you know, people are really sensitive about music.
	They'd be screaming at him.
	What do you mean the Beatles don't rock?
	The Rolling Stones rock.
	The Beatles rock.
	Did you say rot or rock?
	Do I have Ronald Klantel on the line?
	Hello.
	Hello, is this Mr. Klantel?
	Yes, it is.
	Okay, welcome to WFMU.
	Hey, how's it going?
	It's going all right.
	You have a new book out, which is called Rock, Rot, and Rule, which seems to be getting a lot of attention in the music press.
	I'm sorry, I missed what you just said.
	I have to apologize.
	I'm watching this basketball game, Orlando in Cleveland, and I got a lot of money riding on it, and it's not going my way.
	Wilkins just got hurt.
	Anyway, go ahead.
	So you have a few Britain.
	Rock, Rot, and Rule.
	Yes, yeah.
	Which is getting a lot of attention.
	Can you skip forward?
	I want to hear angry people argue with him.
	So that song rots.
	Yeah.
	Which actually leads me to ask, can a song rule?
	Yes.
	While a band doesn't rule?
	Sure.
	So a song can rule while a band rocks?
	Exactly.
	Can a song go while a band rots?
	He's going like, yes.
	And going back and forth.
	Rarely.
	I can't think of an example off the top of my head for that, but actually, yeah, I could.
	I Want Candy by Bow Wow Wow.
	So that song rules.
	Yeah.
	But they rot.
	But in your mind, that's.
	They rot.
	Bow Wow Wow rot.
	Anyway, you can listen out in your own time.
	It doesn't really lend itself.
	Caller.
	You're on the line there, sir.
	Sorry, and thank you for waiting.
	Sorry for our hung up.
	Fuck.
	Call him back.
	Heather, 213.
	No, call him back.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	Yeah, hey.
	Hey, man, are you calling us from an orange?
	I don't know.
	Do I sound like I'm in an orange?
	Yeah, it sounds like it's 1836, and Alexander Graham Bell is trying it out for the first time.
	That's funny, because that's what it sounds like when I'm on hold, and I'm trying to listen to the show.
	Okay.
	What's your phone?
	Or was that a joke?
	No, no, it's not a joke.
	No, it is hard to hear.
	Okay.
	Anyway, what'd you think?
	We'll try to power through that.
	You sound like Electro from Spider-Man.
	Well, can you hear me clear enough to ask a question?
	Yes, just ask it.
	I'll tell you if I can't hear it.
	Okay, I was just wondering when you are going to move out of New York, and is Ryan going to go if you do go?
	We've answered this plenty of times.
	Yes, I will.
	Yeah, of course he will.
	What else is he going to fucking do?
	He can't exactly show.
	I used to work for the leader of the hate group who was behind Charlottesville in January 6th.
	Anyway, can I work here at Mark Maron's What the Fuck podcast?
	Yeah, he'll come down.
	I got to work it out with my kids.
	I'm on board.
	I'm ready to rock.
	My son is really thriving In baseball right now.
	And he said he didn't care about moving, but now he's waffling.
	And you go, well, you're the boss.
	Make it happen.
	Yes, okay.
	But if your son's entire life is a thing and you wrench him from that early and then nothing happens there, you ruined your son's life.
	Then your wife is depressed.
	Then your marriage is over.
	It's not easy when you have three kids working this stuff out.
	But yeah, thanks for calling.
	Hey, Gav, had a blast meeting you at Sullivan's two Wednesdays on my 50th birthday.
	Can we make a tradition every week going forward?
	No, that's friends.
	We could do every birthday, maybe.
	And you're not a retarded cop, dude.
	You're a smart guy.
	You're way too hard on yourself.
	That's a joke I've been doing for, I think, 100 years now, and it always lands.
	Every time someone talks about being retired or saying their parents are retired, and you go, you're not, dude, they're not retarded.
	They're really intelligent people.
	William Randolph first, did Perry ever give you the $50?
	No, he never did.
	Please bring that up with him.
	You should YouTube.
	Okay, we already talked about that.
	So we're overlapping a bit.
	Yep, we got Harrison.
	This total could be a little higher.
	I was kind of hoping for giving Max and John 50 grand each.
	We have many months, but that would be cool.
	You know what's going to happen, by the way, with that?
	It's going into our bank account.
	We're spending it.
	And then there's going to be the time when they get out and they'll be like, okay, we got 50 grand each.
	And we're going to go, alrighty.
	This is what happens with gives, send, goes if you're not experienced.
	We're going to be separating this into an account.
	I'm exaggerating.
	But I remember with Breitbart, I raised 17 grand for his wife and kids after he died.
	And it was just showing up in my personal account.
	This is before Give, send, go and everything.
	So I was just, I'm rich.
	And then I owed her 17 grand.
	And I went, oh, fuck.
	I don't have it.
	I spent it all.
	Now, luckily, I got savings so I could go pay her.
	But I think a lot of these young morons who do these fundraisers, they get the money and then they go, I'll just pay it back later.
	And then they can't pay it back.
	And they go, it's cheaper just to vanish.
	But the good news is with gives and goes is there's a paper trail.
	Press charges.
	Call the cops.
	Pursue it.
	It's not free money.
	It's the same as stealing cash from someone's safe.
	Don't just shrug it off and be like, oh, well, that guy was an asshole.
	No, no, no, no.
	Pursue it every time.
	Go ahead, caller.
	Hello?
	Go ahead.
	Yes.
	Oh, you know, I live in northern Arizona, and I've been totally priced out of my community by Californians moving here.
	And I've recently debated moving actually to Washington State because they have open carry laws.
	They have standard ground laws.
	They have a $15 minimum wage.
	And the specific town I'm looking at has houses under, like cheaper than the national average.
	I was hoping maybe you'd think of a good reason to talk me out of moving to Washington.
	Go look at a chart of how America would have voted if it was whites only, women only, men only.
	You will see Washington state is blue in every scenario.
	People of color, everything, every possible scenario, the top left corner is always blue.
	Dude, everyone I talk to in Tacoma and Seattle is on their way out of there.
	If you're not into the South, and you probably should be, if you can handle the heat of Arizona, why not do Tennessee?
	No income tax.
	True.
	Yeah, I have a lot of friends moving to Missouri and Tennessee, but aren't you crazy?
	There's a mass exodus out of Washington State.
	What about Cour de Cour d'Alene?
	Coeur d'Alene in Idaho.
	I thought about Idaho for a long time, but their minimum wage is $7.25.
	What are you talking about minimum wage for?
	Are you a McDonald's expert?
	I'm 23, and I do like mostly, I mean, I'm on a tile apprentice, but a lot of my work would probably be in the entry-level position.
	Don't talk about minimum wage unless you're 14.
	You can work construction.
	You're not going to be making $7 an hour.
	Worst case scenario, you're moving around garbage at a construction site and you're getting $20.
	Stop.
	Get minimum wage out of your head.
	Don't you have a dad?
	I wish, man, I'm in the same boat with Ryan, I guess.
	Yeah, that's apparent.
	Totally awesome in Rocks.
	Don't ever talk about minimum wage ever again.
	Get that out of your head.
	Don't even think about it.
	Think about taxes and woke assholes ruining your fucking state.
	And woke assholes have ruined the Pacific Northwest.
	That ship has sailed.
	Bye-bye.
	Home to mommy.
	It's kind of crazy.
	I live specifically in Prescott, Arizona.
	And we're famous for having the most rehabs per capita than anywhere in the country.
	And we're just shipping in liberals who are drug addicts from the entire country, like all over the country, and putting them here.
	And they end up staying and relapsing, but renting homes here.
	So no one who grew up here can afford it.
	And the town is just filled with drugs.
	It's unfortunate.
	Whoa.
	Wow.
	That's a documentary.
	I'd like to see that.
	What a mess.
	Yeah, Courtelane is your answer, sir.
	And it's not Washington State.
	And I never want to hear the words minimum wage come out of your mouth ever again until you die.
	All right, thanks for coming.
	He appreciates it.
	Oh, Maddie, let's look up this.
	This is an email I wanted to wait till you got here for.
	We actually cover it tomorrow, but SCOTUS Bruins, B-R-E-U-N-S decision says that if it wasn't a law or tradition before 1791, then it's unconstitutional.
	The judge used a logical fallacy analogy oft used by the Gavman at about 520, leading me to believe there's a good chance he's a baby monster and a subscriber.
	Oh, good.
	Supreme Court's watching the show.
	So 520 indicates that felons such as Jim Goad and Maddie O'Dell may be able to carry guns.
	Ryan, the title of this email is Jim Goad Shotguns and blah, blah, blah.
	So go to 5.
	Oh, it's time stamped at the bottom there.
	520, I believe it is, yeah.
	That'd be good.
	And then he goes on to completely obliterate this argument made by the government.
	He states, the first problem with this argument is it is a logical fallacy.
	Sharing a history with felony in possession laws makes section 922N constitutional in the same way a dog is a cat because both have four legs.
	He then goes on to say that the second problem is that Heller's endorsement of felony in possession laws was dicta.
	Anything that is not the court's determination of a matter of law pivotal to its decision is in fact dicta.
	The last and most significant problem with the government's argument, he states, is that there is a lack of historical analysis from the Second Amendment's ratification, much less anything pre-1938.
	So the judge outright rejects the government's only argument that they put forward to why this law is permissible.
	He goes so far as to call their argument a logical fallacy, which is definitely something you do not want to hear a judge say when you are putting forth arguments in a lawsuit.
	Also, he hits on the important point that the government is simply using dicta and heller.
	Okay, I got it.
	And that is not a strong argument.
	There's a lawsuit going down.
	And if the judge decides that this lawsuit is whatever, on the side of the gun guy, then it could mean that felons can carry guns.
	Although you're a bit of a hothead, should you really be able to have a gun?
	There's been a few times where you've been smashing bottles and threatening people.
	Maybe there's some merit to this idea that baby monsters.
	I mean, what is baby monster?
	The term comes from a guy who's kind of big in a baby shape and loses his shit and turns into a monster.
	Should monsters have guns?
	Babies shouldn't have guns.
	If babies shouldn't have guns and monsters shouldn't have guns, then Patty should not have a gun.
	All right, let's take a pull up the chat and make sure we got that covered because we're about to peace out.
	We're down to the last three minutes.
	Wait.
	Wait, what?
	Wait, wait, wait, wait.
	Wait.
	Hey, yo.
	Okay, we got all that covered, right?
	So, Calla 516.
	516, you're on the line.
	Hello, yo, what's up?
	Yo, what's up?
	What up, Gavin?
	Yo, Gavin, a question.
	So, but this is a tough one, so I need you to think.
	Stop, stop, stop.
	All of that is superfluous.
	Yo, Gavin, we know you're talking to Gavin.
	You're calling into Gavin's show.
	Question.
	Yep, that's what these calls are.
	They're questions.
	This is a tough one.
	I don't care.
	You don't need to describe the question first.
	Dive in, boy.
	Dive in.
	Okay, fair enough.
	Next time I'll dive in.
	Okay, what advice would you give to someone who wants to get into content creation, but their name is really shitty?
	And they want to change, like, you know, use a stage name?
	That's a great question.
	So, what kind of content creation do you want to do?
	I mean, I don't know if I want to say it, but it's just like YouTube and shit, kind of like educational stuff, honestly.
	What do you mean, educational stuff?
	Like, A, B, C, D, E, F, G stuff?
	No, no, like, I mean, it's kind of an involved idea, but it takes a while to explain.
	But basically, I'd have like a chalkboard behind me, and I'd be like teaching shit on the YouTube channel.
	Oh, like the crazy versus hot scale, or more, like, how to fix a transmission?
	Or what roughly kind of things would you be doing?
	More like how to highlight fix a transmission stuff.
	Like, just interesting shit, like, why is spicy food spicy and like fucking shit like that?
	I see.
	Okay.
	Well, this is something that I've been wanting to confront for a while here.
	And it's a really, really good question, a really important question.
	Unfortunately, we're out of time.
	Guys, thanks for tuning in.
	It was great to have you here.
	I really appreciate Sylvia coming by.
	Sylvia, you were awesome.
	We love all your movies.
	Great direction there.
	I love this sort of kitsch-gay thing.
	Maddie Odell, thank you for coming in as the co-host.
	And of course, Ryan Katsu-Rivera, we will see you in Dallas tonight where we'll be telling drunken jokes that are racist, that do not respect disabilities, that are transphobic, Islamophobic, anti-Semitic, all the isms there are, really.
	Did I say sexist?
	In the meantime, we're going to shoot you in Texas.
	Go nuts.
	Please kill me.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	And never stop fighting.
	Music
	Take a little ride in our hearts They're taking a ride We're taking a ride We're taking a ride Take me!
	Going real fast, hanging out the window Kicking in the backseat at the bottom The light was green, so alive The radio
	blaster, turn that shit off 90 miles an hour, it's riding our grease I got my doubts, we're making it one piece Just taking a ride We're taking a ride We're taking a ride Take it!
	We're taking a ride Those nigga fucking horse, they play that music so loud.
	Well, it is a very unfortunate situation.
	Don't know further.
	Don't get a doctor.
	Don't be a cutie pie, okay?
	Down on the cup, your hands on the hood.
	Hold on, I'm coming.
	Tell you the ride, just stop it doing no good.
	So move.
	So take another pill from your purse.

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