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Sept. 23, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:13:00
GOML LIVE #166 - TAKIN A RIDE (Part 1)

Sylvia's back and she inspires us to go back in time and examine comedy greats like Lenny Bruce.

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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
Stay right there, go no further.
Don't get a doctor, don't get my mother.
Stoop on a walk, gotta decide.
Turn around, we're taking the ride.
So take another pill from your purse.
Take a little ride in our hearts.
That was The Replacements, 1981's... Sorry, Mara, I forgot to take out the trash.
That was The Replacements, 1981's...
Sorry, Mara, I forgot to take out the trash.
I just got this weird box set.
I read about it from my old pal Johnson Cummins of the Doughboys.
Catching up on my old pals from Montreal.
He's still writing and he was writing about this.
I have the vinyl already so that's kind of gay.
But it comes with this cool booklet.
Back before we had cell phones, kids, we would sit and just look at records and the booklets that came with them, or just stare at the record itself, like the case the LP came in.
But the reason I got this is because, according to Johnson Cummins, the live CD out of the four CDs here, the live one is apparently quite a big deal.
Oh, shit.
I hate when they do this.
It's hard to put it back in.
So we'll be checking that out.
Seminole, Minneapolis band.
Bob Stinson was the bassist.
He always wanted them to stay hard, stay heavy.
So they started getting better at their instruments and they started wanting to play more poppy stuff.
And it pissed him off.
So on the album Tim, they had the song One Good Dose of Thunder to try to appease him, but he was pissed off that they were becoming a pop band.
They're a great band to go through adolescence with, because you go from hardcore to like great pop.
But he's joined a band with Cheetah Chrome from the Dead Boys, and it was called Cheetah Chrome and the Motherfuckers.
And we were opening for them in Ottawa at Zaphod Beeblebrox.
And on the way over the border, Bob Stinson of The Replacements, Got out of the van and pissed on the border guard.
The little booth where they take your passports.
He just got out and pissed.
And they had hired a guy, paid a guy, to make sure that Bob doesn't do anything like that.
So Bob was, I mean, that guy was promptly fired.
And Bob died of, I think, alcohol soon after that.
So that's sad.
Poor Bobby Stinson.
What a fantastic band, though.
Welcome to Get Off My Lawn Live.
We have Matty O'Dell, the co-host here.
What's going on, everybody?
Up to his old tricks again.
He looks like Knicky in Greece there.
And it looks like Lord of Flatbush.
You remember that movie?
Oh, yeah.
And then, of course, we have Sylvia back.
Oh, right.
Sylvia's been planning to show up for a while here, but she was under the weather feeling weak.
What was going on with you?
It's just the dizziness.
And what's the dizziness from?
Too much sex.
So you've had, you've had 14 less fucks this week and it's made you, I mean, it's turned you into John Waters, but you're still able to show up to the show and perform for us and deliver your funny takes on everything.
Right?
It's fun.
Yeah.
Are you going to have some funny takes today?
Some what?
Funny takes.
Of course.
Because if you don't, you're fucking fired.
You're not getting a penny.
Oh, we're getting it on.
Funny as could be.
You better be.
Ryan, can you hear OK?
Because if we can't hear you, you're fired.
Line them up.
No, loud and clear, we hear you.
I might pay you per quip.
PPQ.
Yeah, quid pro quip.
This shirt I'm wearing is not for sale.
Someone gave this to us at one of the shows.
I think it was the Vegas show.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's nice.
I don't think it'll sell, so we won't make it.
But someone had a Sylvia shirt on.
Yeah.
At the show.
Check this out.
I just opened the bottle with my cap gun.
Right.
And now I'm going to shoot to kill Sylvia.
All right, I'm ready.
Oh, I fucked up.
You're supposed to put it back before you open it up.
Stupid boy, stupid boy.
You ready, Sylvia?
I'm ready.
This could be the end of you.
Oh, I didn't make it.
How far does that go?
Not very... Close, but no cigar.
Yeah, it went about 20 feet.
They should specify that.
I feel like the next one's going to be big.
I like how the girl behind him has a don't do shots or coke hat on.
I, um, I used to, I was such a drunk as a young man.
I would write messages on my body to girls.
Like, please put a condom on this.
I wrote it on my belly when I was passed out.
And then I would write, don't let me do shots or Coke on my shirt.
And then I started making them.
I made a, like one with an iron on and then we started manufacturing them.
It's not a joke.
It's not a joke.
It's not a joke, man.
Not a joke.
It's not a joke.
I think about the years, how old I am, I think about it as much as a fly.
We'll be getting to that tomorrow.
We have pre-recorded a four-hour episode of Get Off My Lawn for you guys tomorrow.
Jam-packed!
Holy shit.
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Now, Matty, you tried having two Delta-8s at once.
Yeah.
That was a bit much, would you say?
Yeah.
Two at once was a bit much.
One is good.
Two, you wouldn't recommend.
Don't recommend two.
It's like sleeping with a female bodybuilder.
No bueno.
No bueno.
Even when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I had my hand on the wall as I walked from my bedroom to the bathroom.
I'm like, Oh Jesus, I'm still high.
But they're good.
No doubt about it.
Well, when my wife had some, she had to put ice on her chest and I had to basically sing and dance like a court jester till one in the morning to avoid having to take her to the hospital.
She was freaking out.
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Shell Shock Wellness.
Why can't you just get high on life?
Life doesn't always supply.
Life will often fall short of CBDs.
What about, you used to do tons of drugs.
You used to do heroin before you turned into John Waters.
Who?
Not me.
Yes you!
Never.
We see the tracks in your arms, Sylvia.
Never did, never.
Did cocaine in bed, and it wasn't true.
Cocaine does not make you go longer, sexually.
That's the only drug I ever did, cocaine.
Well, cocaine isn't supposed to make women go longer.
No, in bed, sexually.
It doesn't make you go longer.
If anything, it numbs your sexual apparatus.
Yeah, but that would make you go longer, wouldn't it?
No, it doesn't.
My experience with cocaine and intercourse is, if it's a new girl, you could just kill your dick and you might ruin it.
But if it's someone that you have been a girlfriend with for a while, or a wife, then you can't not get it up.
Because it's just like you.
No, you get it up, it just numbs it.
That's what happened to me and this guy.
Who?
What was his name?
John Toluca.
So he's an Italian gentleman?
Half Italian, half Spanish.
And the cocaine did not help his performance?
No, he got hard, but it just didn't, we didn't go longer.
The only reason we did it was to go longer sexually.
So you did it too?
Me and him, yeah.
Have you ever put cocaine on your genitalia?
Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
Wake up and smell the roses.
So, did he snort it or he put it on his penis and you put it on your vagina?
No, he put it on his dick and he put it on me.
Huh.
And all it does is numb you.
Yeah.
Have you ever tried that?
I've tried that.
No.
I've had girls sniff it off.
I've sniffed it once and all it does is make you go way up to heaven and then crashing down to the pits of hell.
So it's not for me.
I sniffed it off a dude's dick once just because there was no table around.
And we were like, shit man.
And then he was like, I'll just get a boner.
That'll be the table.
And I was like, okay, but no homo.
And he's like, it's just a portable table.
Pause, no homo.
Yeah.
A portable table.
So you know how this show goes.
It's free to everyone in the entire world and that's why we read ads.
We don't normally read ads on this show.
Are off to Dallas tomorrow doing a show.
It's kind of badly organized.
It's a tiny venue.
I think we had about 500 people in Orlando.
So we went, okay, well this place holds like 250 or 100.
So let's just book it four times.
One, two, three, four.
But I don't think we're getting 500 people.
So I think it might be four shows of 50 people.
Which is weird.
That's like driving someone somewhere and just taking one person at a time in the passenger seat.
We'll see how it goes.
I'm gonna do Glenn Beck's show tomorrow so I think it's behind the paywall but we'll get something out of it.
We'll get some freebie from him.
Maybe he'll let us, I know his producer, maybe she'll let us keep it and put it on the air.
What are you printing out over there?
We just got another reed.
Fresh from the presses.
I don't play the oboe.
I'm not excited about extra reeds.
That was a weird one.
Yeah, that was a good one.
Clean humor.
Clean humor.
Reeds in the woodwind family.
60 second reed?
No, I'm not doing that.
So yeah, we do the reads, we got the guests, and this is also a show where we try to raise money for Max and John, as I'll discuss tomorrow, which I discussed today.
Antifa beat the living shit.
They mobbed two Marines, said, you're white supremacists, you're proud boys.
They said, no, we're Mexicans.
What are you talking about?
And they said, fuck you, spick.
Fuck you, wetback.
Spat on them as they were pounding them.
The authorities seized three of these gentlemen.
One of them was a major player in Antifa, which is just an idea.
It's not an organization, according to Joe Biden, a guy who compares himself to a fly.
No charges.
No nothing.
No probation.
No misdemeanor.
Don't worry about it, guys.
You can beat up our military anytime you want.
I'm a little disappointed, by the way, that the Marines lost.
When I get out my Amazon Prime account, and I watch Reacher, and I watch the list, the Marine wins those fights, especially up against these fat loser turds.
You should see these guys.
Pull them up, Brian.
Get the hell out of here, brown people!
That was actually their quote.
The producer, Beck, goes, you want to talk about anything in particular?
And I go, yeah, I have something on my mind.
The allegations we get from the left are never accurate.
You follow QAnon.
You, uh, you are scared of homosexuals.
You want trans people not to exist.
You want to kill them all.
Not even close.
None of that's close.
Trump said Mexicans are rapists.
Trump said that there's good people on both sides.
Nazis can be good.
He never said that.
And I'm just like, I want a valid allegation.
I want to be able to argue my points.
You've got me arguing other people's points.
So that's who the Marines can't beat up?
Dude.
Maybe they chose not to.
They chose not violence that day.
Well, that's dumb.
Who are those?
Rapos?
Those are Antifa.
And but the guy first guy with the glasses is a major player.
Kroll?
And the reason that guy, Beardy.
But the reason they got away with it, of course, is it's a Soros appointed D.A.
And it's the reason that Proud Boys and any Patriots.
It's the reason the Jan Six guys are in jail right now.
Soros.
You can buy America.
You can buy American justice.
That means we're Venezuela by the way.
So yeah, we take calls.
We go through the mailbag.
And then we have this live chat that is for Max and John.
We've raised $17,000 for them.
They get out in, I think, March.
I'm going to go visit them in a couple weeks.
It's funny because the only way we can make the seven hour trip bearable is to stop at bars and get wasted.
So then you get there, it's like 3 a.m.
And then you got to get up at like six.
So when you're visiting them, you're hungover, you feel like shit, you look like shit, and you're just like, hey, so what's going on?
And they're like, hey, oh, wow, it's great to see you.
Okay, so you wouldn't believe what's going on here.
This Muslim guy got beat up and blah, blah, blah.
And you're just like, oh, it sucks.
Anyway, we should probably get going here.
It's not a good setup.
Should probably leave two days early.
One day to recuperate.
Yeah, one day to recuperate so we're all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when you meet them.
And so we read these, we read the letters and all that stuff and then we go behind the paywall in anywhere from 10 minutes from now to 40 minutes from now and then it gets a little raunchier.
And Sylvia gets nude.
She brought a whole thing of lingerie and she's going to be doing a sexy dance.
And here's the funnest part about Sylvia's striptease that she's going to do.
We brought kids!
So she's going to be doing a sexy dance and kids are going to be giving her money and she's going to put it in her underwear.
That'll be cool, right?
I don't wear underwear.
They'll be putting it in your butt crack.
But show that video you were just talking about, Ryan.
Like, we don't like the Drag Queen Story Hour, and we don't give a fuck about drag queens.
Go nuts.
We know there's drag queens in every bar in the world.
This isn't drag queens.
This is actual strippers now.
We've crossed the line.
Well, this should have been the first step before the drag strippers.
It's kind of like they're going backwards.
Yeah.
Now, that might be some sort of weird dude with a taped-up dick.
I don't... Do you know?
I don't think so.
It looks like a female body to me.
But I guess they're good at that?
No, they're not.
What the fuck is going on?
Like, my parents were big drinkers, partiers.
If they saw this, and I was 8 there, they would- Hey, look at the kid in the corner.
That's who I'm talking about.
He's gotta be 7?
Yeah, 7 or 8.
He's younger than my youngest boy.
What?
And I can't believe that we've been sitting here saying, look, it's not that you're gay.
It's like, what if there was a stripper?
We'd have a problem with that.
And they go, oh, we got strippers.
What does, what does Libs of TikTok say about that one?
That's a new level here.
A stripper performs at an all ages drag show while a kid in the front row attempts to hand the stripper a cash tip.
So that might be a dude.
You know, you take enough estrogen, you get fake tits, you probably get hips.
I don't know.
Is that the show?
All Ages Drag Show, this is their whole thing here.
Drag Party, let's see, one of the flyers.
Here we go.
You know, the allegation from the far right is that they're there to groom kids to fuck them.
I don't think it's that simple or that complicated.
I think it's just a giant fuck you to Christians, to the right, to everything.
Uh-oh, I think this might be out of batteries, Rye Guy.
All Ages event, it says.
Oh, no, no.
When you try to turn it on without the hub turned on, I don't turn on the hub.
Oh, I see.
Bye, Felicia!
It's so weird that they've taken this new angle in life.
Drag queens were always the clowns of the gay community.
It wasn't political.
It was a silly exaggeration.
It wasn't even as serious as that strike a pose Vogue thing where they fall down and all that.
That was more serious.
That was considered their like breakdancing.
It was as ridiculous and gay as everything else, but it had more credibility in a way.
But the drag queens were just like silly, like literally clowns.
Yeah.
No one went like, did you hear what Miss fucking garbage cunt had to say about Ukraine?
It was just, and I think they made most gays uncomfortable, just like clowns do.
But now they're an integral part of the international discussion on children's welfare.
How the F did we get here?
Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out how did we arrive here?
And like, who brings their kids there?
Like, who are the people that bring their kids there?
Single moms.
Disgruntled liberals.
You know what it's really about?
The core of it is about hatred of Trump.
Hatred of Republicans.
They know that we don't like it, so they do it.
If eating out of the ashtray pissed us off, they would all have ashes all over their lips.
It's just to spite us.
And they haven't thought anywhere past that.
And we wish they would.
Because sexualizing children is gross.
It's not cringe, it's not offensive, it's gross.
The other thing too is, I keep repeating this, children and sex, like they're very weirded out by any kind of adult intimacy.
Seeing adults kiss, a heterosexual couple kiss when you're eight, you're just like, Get out of here!
I remember when my boy was about seven, he drew a picture and it was two people on a couch and they were watching TV and I go, what's going on here?
And he goes, oh, it's just two losers watching people kiss.
Gav, I accidentally shit my neighbor's cat.
Oh, shot.
That makes a lot more sense.
I accidentally shot my neighbor's cat the other night, thinking she was the pesky armadillo that's been rooting up my yard.
When I found out what I'd done, I had no remorse.
Something just felt right about it, but I doubt I'll ever do it again.
I don't think you can do it again.
Is the cat alive?
My completely unrelated question is, where would one find a place to dispose of dead cats?
Like a lot of dead cats.
Like eight dead cats.
You know that?
What?
You had the makings of a true serial killer.
Yeah, well he did.
He serial killed cats.
Yeah, I know.
I had a dead cat in my neighbor's yard that my neighbor, my old neighbor, was such an absolute cock and he wouldn't look at me and I'd smile and he'd just frown I guess because he hated racists.
You know what's amazing about you?
You have so much animal instinct in you and yet you kill a poor innocent cat.
Wait, I didn't kill a cat.
Oh, who did it?
Your mother?
No, Raymond... I'm reading a letter we got.
Can you not see the screen?
It's a $50 donation to the Max and John Fund where the guy killed a cat.
I ain't killed no cat!
You just got done saying you took a knife and you killed a cat!
A knife?
Yeah!
No, I'm reading a letter from a guy who shot a cat, Sylvia!
I ain't killed no cat, I got time for that!
You said you had a knife, the cat was at the door, it annoyed you and boom!
This is the second time this has happened to me in my life.
When I was about 14, I was walking to school and I saw a dead cat.
You know how they have that face?
What's that sound?
Someone mess around in the parking lot?
Anyway, I picked it up, I brought it to school, and then in our old school, the Earl of March in Kanata, there was a giant rock in front of the school.
So I propped it up on the rock in front of the school.
So when you exited the school, 1,500 people at the Earl of March, they saw this cat, like, because it had rigor mortis, so I could prop it up.
So 1,500 people saw a cat going, and they were screaming and crying.
It was really funny.
But the rumor became that I walked out my door, I picked up a cat, and I just smashed its head against the wall, killed it, and then brought it to school.
So this is the second time I've been accused of killing a cat.
Never killed a cat.
Don't care enough about cats to kill them.
So my neighbor had this dead cat stinking up the whole neighborhood, and I thought, I could be a nice guy and tell him that there's a dead cat... I think it was on our lawn?
I can't remember exactly where.
Was it his cat?
Maybe.
Or just a stray.
Maybe, but he had a gigantic, massive mansion.
I'd have to walk up the walkway and then deal with his bullshit.
Maybe he thinks I'm a criminal, I'm gonna shoot him, and I'm holding a dead cat.
So I just plopped it next to a tree on his property, and then I had a bunch of dirt for gardening and stuff, and I just poured it on top of the cat.
And then I left a note facing his property that said, dead cat with an arrow.
Maybe he thinks I fucking killed it.
Oh, I think the noise is back there.
Yeah.
So my advice for you, sir, would be to put eight cats in a large hole.
And I'm only humoring your stupid joke because you paid 50 bucks to Max and John.
Twenty five dollars each.
Patrick Bet David on YouTube just released a five hour podcast interview with Andrew Tate.
Yeah, that's from last week.
It's very interesting.
Ryan could probably.
Ryan, we got a letter.
Let's open the mailbag.
Okay.
That's inspired me.
We should play the interstitial.
Here we go!
Let's go.
Ryan, shut up.
You don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Go down to pretty good Andrew Tate impression.
Thank you.
Now this is a weird instinct.
I'm excited to watch this because I think it's going to hurt your feelings because you've been working on your Andrew Tate so hard and failing and this guy just knocked it out of the park.
Let's see.
And I'm happy that it's going to hurt you.
That's how cruel I am.
I don't get hurt very easily.
So Andrew, what do you think about drowning?
Drowning?
The fuck are you drowning for?
I don't care.
I don't want to hear the excuses.
You've been drinking water your entire life.
Just swallow it.
Drink the water.
Drink it.
And then breathe the air.
Imagine you're lying there and a lifeguard comes over.
It's CPR time.
Let's check if he's breathing.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't care.
It's fucking ridiculous.
Imagine you're surrounded.
If you're a real tough G, you breathe the air, you get up, you shake it off, and do some push-ups.
That's what I want to fucking see.
That is what I want to fucking see.
And that's beautiful.
The brown people are leaving!
We're so excited!
Go brown people, go!
Don't come home!
Did you make the Joe Biden Nazi fags one yet?
What?
What are you talking about?
Oh yeah, that doesn't make sense.
So are you hurting as much as I want you to?
No.
What?
That's someone who took away something that you wanted.
Usually when I hear a good impression I go, wow.
No, I want you to be bitter.
I'm like Howard Stern.
All my questions are like, so were you jealous when you saw your brother was Bill Murray?
But that's gotta hurt your feelings, doesn't it?
You gotta resent that, right?
Did you always get mad?
I heard him when I was going on that road trip recently to Albany.
He was interviewing Rosie O'Donnell, and you think of all the things you could talk about.
I don't like Rosie O'Donnell, but she's done a lot of shit.
And his main thing, and he came back to this three times, was you had the biggest talk show in the world, and you quit it, and do you look back and think of all the money you could have made?
And does that bother you?
She's worth like, I don't know, 300 million dollars.
She's a fucking lesbian.
She doesn't need any money.
She's got a bunch of adopted kids she doesn't give a shit about.
What?
I wish I had 400 million?
What is he?
He's such a fucking...
Petty, bitter, Long Island nerd.
Yes, I'm avoiding the other word.
You did a... Damn.
Jerk.
Juicy shithead.
He's from New Jersey.
Daughter worked in a store.
Sylvia, are you a Jew or a Christian?
I'm a Christian.
What?
I'm a Christian.
But you're Jewish.
Yeah.
So was Jesus. - Okay. - My daughter worked in a toy store, Rosie O'Donnell came in, looked at everything, bugged the shit out of my daughter.
How much is this?
How much is that?
Didn't buy anything.
Then she said, where's the ladies room?
My daughter was the only one working the store.
She said, it's over there.
Oh no, you gotta take me to it.
She says, oh no, I don't.
I'm not leaving the register.
And she kept telling him, oh you gotta take me to the bathroom.
My mom cut Sherry Oteri's hair and she didn't tip.
Really?
Yeah.
These Irish people are sounding a lot like the Chosen Ones.
They're part of the tribe.
That's charitable, huh?
Yeah, I heard she's a nightmare shitty mom.
Is Whoopi Goldberg still alive?
Who?
Whoopi Goldberg.
I thought you said Rube Goldberg.
Well yeah, he died.
A big white hand came and hit a ball that knocked down a thing and then that went over a long circular thing that started some dominoes and that flew up and popped a balloon which then ignited a flame and burnt his house down.
Um, yeah, Whoopi Goldberg's still alive.
I mean, sort of.
She's supposed to be very sick, physically.
She had the nerve when Donald Trump caught the virus and was in the hospital.
Oh, he probably made it up.
Now, come on.
How friggin' petty can you be?
What if we did a deep dive on everything stupid Whoopi Goldberg has ever said?
It would be a fucking marathon episode.
I like this one comedian goes, okay, she's a comedian, right?
That's how she made her name.
That's her bread and butter.
Name a joke.
What joke has Whoopi Goldberg ever said?
My fellow Americans, if you have an IRA, 401k or savings account, things are getting scary out there.
The Biden administration has already printed more money in the past two years than the previous 100 years combined.
Doesn't that sound like a lie?
That can't be true.
Yet it is.
The national debt just hit a record $30 trillion, and inflation is the highest we've seen since 1982.
It's only a matter of time before the House of Cards comes crashing down.
I mean, it already is coming crashing down in a sense.
If you have retirement savings, your money could be at serious risk.
You know, when when Biden was elected president, my dad took out 100 percent of all his investments, stocks, bonds, 401k.
He lost.
I don't think it was 100,000, but he lost tens of thousands of dollars.
And my brother and I made fun of him.
And he he.
Stirred, he stewed, he was pissed.
And here he is now going, I told you so.
Now you can't leave.
Yeah.
And he was totally right.
He wins.
He was smart to turn his savings into cash.
He's making like, I don't know, 1% a year and he's way ahead of everyone else.
Not losing.
Talk to my friends at Gold Co.
to see how you can protect your retirement.
Ideally, there's a Gold Co.
that comes up behind me, Ryan.
That would be perfect.
Talk to my friends at Gold Co.
to see how you can protect your retirement with gold and silver before it's too late.
Go to GavinLikesGold.com.
Any day now we could go there.
The link doesn't work.
Really?
Let me see.
I'm going to try Gavinlovesgolds.com.
I'm being told.
And they will give you up to $10,000 in free silver when you open an account.
There we go.
Gavinlovesgolds.com.
So the mentally unstable, absolute trash bag of a sales guy got the name of the URL wrong in the ad.
That's impressive.
That almost lost us the ad.
You know what I've noticed?
I have this pain in my tits and it hurts to go like that.
I haven't been to the gym since I broke my hand.
Why?
And then I realized we have that weight set in the garage.
I get drunk and I go to the garage and max out till I'm like bleeding.
That's really dangerous, man.
Why?
Do you have those stoppers?
What, it's going to fall and choke me?
Well, here's what you do.
Do you put the collars on that clip the weights on?
Yeah.
Don't.
Because if it falls on you, you could just dump it.
Dude, I'm not lifting 500 pounds.
Dude, a 45 could still... I looked it up.
It's happened like 13 times in world history.
And one of them was a guy who was going to court in a case that involved Hillary Clinton.
And a couple days before the case, perfectly balanced on his neck.
Wow.
I mean, you think of all the different ways to get out of that.
I understand you really hurting your windpipe.
I understand you bruising yourself, crushing yourself.
But like holding a weight and balancing it like a seesaw on your neck until you suffocate?
Not possible, but not likely.
Yeah.
Anyway, I just stuffed an anti-Hillary Clinton conspiracy theory within an advertisement.
That's the beauty of this show.
So go to Gavin, not likes, loves gold, and they will give you $10,000 in free silver when you open an account.
Gavinlovesgold.com.
Gavin loves gold!
I was at our local, by the way, today to pick up Sylvia.
Had a couple beers first.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
I like him.
This sort of haggard chick and then the quiet guy who always sit around the corner.
Yeah.
Just fucking filling up the jukebox with new country for an hour.
Toby, I don't dislike Toby Keith, but some of the other shit Like, that's the biggest tires I've ever seen on a pickup truck!
You're just like, dude... Shut up!
Oh boy.
It's like Sylvia cannot get here fast enough.
I gotta get out of this.
I can't walk?
Um... Alright, so uh... We've opened that Pandora's box of the letters.
And why don't we open that Pandora's box of the calls?
That's exactly what they were playing.
Maybe I'm a...
Maybe I'm a grump and I'm not used to being at bars past 3 p.m.
or 5 p.m.
Is that normal?
You go out more than me.
Is it like normal to be there at 630 and they're fucking rocking out?
I guess they're just coming home from work.
Having a couple beers before they go home.
But you don't even like music in any bar.
I don't like music.
Whatever makes you happy.
In fact, I think that's a song on this album.
I don't like music.
I don't like music.
It's got too many notes.
Play that song, Ryan.
Where is it?
I'm in trouble.
Something to do.
Don't ask why.
This album is really good.
It's funny because they're a hardcore band at this point.
They're just little kids.
I think Tommy Stinson was like 13.
This is a really good music song.
Get those ear pods out.
So this is an old song but they're making new music videos for it?
No, it's a fan video.
This is the official Rhino Records thing though.
Oh cool, I guess Rhino Records made a video of it.
I think he was 13 when he made this song and now he's like 40.
No, he's 55.
1981.
I was 11.
He was 13, so he's older than me.
That chick's hot.
Oh dude, you want to talk about hot chicks?
Check this out.
I almost cried when I saw this, by the way.
I'll send it to you.
And the reason I almost cried, it's kind of hard to explain.
I thought the chick was black, but I think she's a half nip.
To see someone who's worked their ass off And they perform a routine perfectly, not a stupid dance routine.
Something that's really, really hard that I don't think Maddie and I could do if they had a gun to our head for the rest of our lives.
Like we ate right.
We practice every day.
I don't know how many years we have left, but I don't think we could ever do anything even close to this.
I'm not sure I could ever have done it ever if I started when I was 12, but this little Caitlin Ohashi.
is perfectly in her element.
She's doing something she's practiced eight billion times, and she absolutely masters it perfectly.
And she sort of reinvents the wheel a bit, like that hip-hop ballet, which is annoying, right?
Yeah.
But hip-hop ballet isn't annoying to me if you can do it.
I mean, if you can do the main thing.
So you could break the rules if you know what the rules are.
So she shows you that she knows what the rules are and then she has fun and parties in between her totally amazing things.
Look at this.
It took bigger.
What the fuck?
What?
I've watched the Olympics before.
I've never seen anything like that.
She's invented new moves.
Is it gay to be impressed by this, Maddie?
No.
Am I less of a man?
I could never do that, ever.
Dude, what percentage of the population can, even if they practice from birth?
- That's her. - I'm gonna learn how to do a standing back flip.
Yeah, Ryan can do this.
He's better than Jimi Hendrix.
No, I couldn't do this, but I'm gonna learn how to do a standing backflip.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
The dancing is a tiny bit cringe, I will admit.
Then look at this.
What?
Her legs are like stiff as she does the flips.
Yeah.
She landed in a split.
Every time you watch the Olympics and they land something like this, there's a little stutter or something after they land.
This is zero stutter.
It's like, it's as control as you and I would be if we jumped one foot.
Yeah.
Standing long jump.
Me taking a step.
Going up the stairs.
Yeah.
Getting high fives at the top of the stairs.
Yes!
You nailed it!
Yeah, that was amazing.
Could you do that, Sylvia?
Of course.
Really?
It's a breeze.
Oh, come on.
Gavin likes gold.
What a fucking idiot.
In my younger days.
Love gold!
We got a couple more.
Come on, man.
I love gold.
If somebody sends one more, they're going to disappear, man.
So we got to read these superchats.
I don't think about the years as much as I think about fly.
As much as a fly does.
Come on, man.
Roughneck454, Bingus, Seamus, and TinyHatBear have all contributed.
OK.
By the way, we only guarantee we will read these if it's over 50 bucks.
But whatever, we got some time and Ryan forgot that rule.
Is it true that Ryan found out Gavin is gay because Gavin's dick tastes like shit all the time?
Is that true, Ryan?
No, that's disgusting, false, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I also have wet wipes in my desk drawer.
Did you check your Ouija board?
That's what he calls my mouth.
Wet wipes Rivera.
Gav, what are your thoughts on aliens in the infinite expanse of the universe?
Do you believe we are alone?
Yes, I believe in God.
We are the chosen ones.
We're the Jews.
We're the special ones.
And the universe revolves around us.
You know what it means, the chosen ones?
It means the Jews were chosen by God and Moses to keep the Ten Commandments.
That's all it means.
We were the bodyguards of the Ten Commandments.
Okay.
I shouldn't have used the chosen ones.
I just meant we're special.
The universe revolves around us.
And this is why atheists are so depressed.
They're like, what's the point of all this?
The point of all this is us.
We're the plan.
Animals are just God's jizz.
Plants, they're all pretty and everything.
I like a petunia, don't get me wrong.
But it's just the, it's the ephemera.
It's the waste.
Like you go to a wood shop and you see sawdust on the ground.
The sawdust is the animals and the plants and everything.
That's what was on the floor when they made us.
We're here for a reason.
We're incredibly special.
We're a gift.
And we're also almost God-like.
I know this sounds blasphemous, but we're almost God-like ourselves.
Because they made us, he made us into his image.
And we're the only ones there are.
Now, if an alien comes down and he's like, hey, you're wrong.
I guess I was wrong.
It could be a trick from the devil, though.
Yeah, I'll be doing tests.
Yeah.
You can't just walk up to me in a green suit and say, you are wrong.
Gavin, who are the other people on your network?
We got an alien here, Nancy Pelosi.
What?
I repeat myself, we got an alien here, Nancy Pelosi.
- That's a good one, yep.
Gavin, who are the other people in your network?
What's the origin story of Jim Goad?
What's a Dusty Bogan?
Where does Soph, when does Soph turn 18?
Also, when does Ryan turn 18 mentally?
Dusty Bogan is like a Canadian, I mean an Australian redneck, he's a hoser, He opens up a whole continent for us.
Jim Goad got me into writing.
When we started Vice in 1994, we were obsessed with Answer Me and we copied it.
I learned my writing style from him.
I also learned to be a grammar Nazi from him.
If you look at the old Answer Me's, you will not find one mistake, one comma in the wrong place.
He's a great copy editor, which sounds boring to most people, but I love the English language.
It's not pretty.
It's not Latin.
It's not French or Italian, but it just, it's a leather man.
It just gets the job done.
And to see fucking dollar signs on the right hand side of the number.
...is abortion.
It breaks my heart.
I have a whole thing on my phone.
I have like 40 of them.
Every time I see one, I take a screen grab and I put it in the... So ridiculous.
...dollar sign folder.
I've seen it on Sign Signs.
$40 off.
Now, in Europe, the euro is on the right hand side, so I will forgive the Quebecois.
If you're in Quebec and you put the dollar sign on the wrong side, I will give you a pass.
If you have an accent in French, But the rest of the English-speaking world?
What are you doing?
Craziness.
Matty, is that Sil's lipstick on your lips?
No.
Just a good old-fashioned cold sore.
Just a good old-fashioned cold sore.
Coming through.
Got it from Sylvia.
Sylvia, you didn't kiss Matty on the lips to give him that?
No.
He's too young.
You like your men older.
He's so young.
So does John Waters.
I'd wear him out.
Gavin.
Yeah, so we answered.
So we got all those.
All right, let's let's take some calls.
Oh, okie dokie.
Oh, whoa.
And then let's go behind the pay dubs.
Motherfucker pay dubs.
Wow.
Wow.
The fashions.
Just a reminder that Eric Adams said the Wild Wild West when talking about what he meant the Wild West.
I was thinking about that the other day.
I was like, that is very underrated.
That's underratedly hilarious.
Remember that, Matty?
What's that?
Eric Adams, who is, if you want to see Eric Adams with clear eyes, he's a 13 year old who won the lottery.
That's how you have to see him.
He's Tom Hanks in big.
That's who Eric Adams is.
That's who our lawyer, our lawyer, our mayor is.
He was a shitty cop.
Everyone hated him when he was a cop.
He was always complaining about racism and suing people and complaining to get moved up.
And he was talking about crime in New York and how bad it is.
Yes.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
And he said, it's like the Wild Wild West because of the movie.
It's in his fucking 12 year old cranium.
This ain't the Wild Wild West out here.
We will not allow the men and women of the police department to be.
We will not allow our city to live in fear that everyone around us is armed and that any altercation could evolve into a shootout.
We will not allow the men and women of the police department to be subjected to further danger, making their already difficult jobs even more harrowing.
Harrowing?
Not harrowing, but horroring.
It's like a horror movie.
He probably thinks that harrowing comes from horror.
Oh, it was Halloween was so scary.
It was horror-ing.
Horror-ing?
Oh, I was giving out candy all night to kids dressed up as monsters.
It was the most horror-ing night of my life.
- Yes, it is implemented.
And we cannot allow you to become the wild, wild west. - - When I bounce into the wild, wild west. - - Wild, wild west. - - - The wild, wild west. - Wild, wild west.
He's quoting Cisco.
Not even Will Smith.
Not even Will Smith.
Will Smith is too cool to say Wild Wild West.
We cannot allow New York to unleash the dragon.
That's another song by him.
We are closing strip clubs in New York City and if there are adult dancing places you will only be able to see a thong thong thong thong thong.
We gotta cover your asses.
We ain't trying to see your thongs or thongs or thongs.
We are instituting a curfew in New York City because we have noticed through our statistical research that the freaks come out at night.
A lot of y'all bitches be scandalous and you know that Eric can't handle this.
I was born and raised in New York City.
I used to read Word Up magazine.
She's a child!
Even look at her, like she's in the fuckin' F1 Brotherhood.
What is that public enemy guy?
The soldiers that they'd have?
The S1Ws?
Yeah, she's standing there like an S1W.
Calm down there, Mrs. Griff.
Now listen, California knows how to party, but New York, New York is a city where dreams is made of.
You know?
We want to enforce better health codes in New York City.
A lot of the restaurants since COVID have been thwarting these laws.
The peas are mushy and the chicken tastes like wood.
So I want everyone on the right.
We have Republicans and we have Democrats in New York City.
On the Democrat side, I want to hear you say there's a party over here.
Fuck you over there.
Now, can I clear my throat, ladies and gentlemen?
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
He just needs a beatbox.
That S1W should just start going... He's done absolutely nothing.
He is retarded.
And we told... I told you.
I said, he's not a cop.
The New York Post fell for the whole cop thing, hook, line and sinker.
They're like, finally, law and order.
We got a cop.
Tough on crime.
You don't have a cop.
This is not fucking Kojak.
This is a silly child who sues at the drop of a hat because he's lazy.
And look at him at that gala.
Gala?
Where he had like a Keith Haring wannabe right all over his fucking gay coat.
He's always at parties.
That's why I say the 13-year-old.
He's Tom Hanks in big.
He spends every night out partying, going to launches.
His budget this year is $100 billion.
That is every person on earth donating $14 to Eric Adams.
Starving babies in Africa.
Some woman in India in that river where there's like a hand floating next to you.
Some Thai rice farmer with a big straw hat has to pull out $14 for Eric Adams.
$100 billion?
I was outraged when we sent $40 billion to Ukraine.
Who knew that was nothing?
What the fuck is this?
Who is that?
What was that picture?
Who does that?
You don't get it.
Putin is like Hitler.
We have to stop him.
him an "I Voted" sticker, he placed it on his mother's picture before putting one on his own lapel.
I'm not supposed to be standing here.
You don't get it.
Putin is like Hitler.
Wait, why is she- You have to stop him.
Why is she in a Hennessy glass?
Is that some shit in the hood I do not understand?
Oh my god!
You're right!
What the fuck is that?
She's meant to be swizzled?
What do they call it when you swirl around?
Swill?
Who puts their dead mother in a glass of alcohol?
My mama always wanted to be swilled.
My mother died of alcoholism and we support that.
She was the best drunk in the world.
She was a fun drunk.
And she was proud of her alcoholism.
And we don't see it as a bad thing.
We're proud of her.
She would drink a bottle of Hennessy every day.
Every day New York is going to realize that they deserve the right to stand in the city also.
Uh, yes.
They deserve the right?
They deserve the right.
Can we be not stabbed?
Oh my God, do they have Eric Adams masks on?
Holy shit, dude.
That's what Mugabe does.
Mugabe has his own textile.
Yeah.
Which I would kill for, by the way.
If there's any Zimbabweans out there, I'll pay top dollar for a fucking Nita fashions.
If you're listening, can you make me a Mugabe suit?
Oh boy.
I, I met a woman whose housekeeper is from Zimbabwe and I was like, I need merch.
I need merch.
What do you got?
Can you, she goes back to visit her family.
Can you get me Mugabe gear?
And then she didn't give me shit, but a baby monster heard and I got a Zimbabwean.
I believe it's a $3 million bill.
You know, that is.
Yeah.
It's worth like $4.
It's our merch guy.
Oh, is that our merch guy that got me that?
Yeah.
That's it's it's beautiful.
Don't get me wrong.
We're going to have a merch set up in Dallas to all y'all motherfuckers.
Mugabe is such a good leader, was such a good leader that the majority of Zimbabweans were millionaires.
I mean, you can't beat that.
I don't know what this is.
Seems a little boomery, so we're gonna stop that.
We've got calls.
We do, we do.
Let's take a call, but first I'm gonna shoot Sylvia and kill her.
Sylvia, you had a good run?
Let's say goodbye.
I'm angling this now that I know it doesn't shoot that directly.
Ready?
Wait, does she have any last words?
Do you want to say goodbye to your daughter or anything?
You can't kill a Jew.
Oh yeah, the Romans did.
Lights out, Jew bag!
Close, but no cigars.
It does 20 feet, I would say.
So would that do the cap and the gap?
Yeah, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, but I'm going to have to become a fucking Jesse James Ninja to calculate the arc.
Because it's not much of an arc.
You got a good aim, though.
Oh, really?
Yeah, you do.
Thank you, Sylvia.
Thank you.
You try to shoot someone in the head and they're like... That was... You have good aim.
Danny's on the line.
What's up, Danny?
Hey, Gavin.
How's it going, buddy?
Good.
Hey, I got a song request for you.
Okay.
I didn't know we were DJing, but let's do it.
I would like you to give your honest opinion on it.
This guy named Slopaxo.
He's from my hometown.
Ryan, pull this up on YouTube.
S-L-O-P-A-X-O.
He just released a song two days ago.
Slopaxo.
Passo?
Slopaxo.
I don't really know how to pronounce it.
You don't know how to pronounce your friend's band?
Where are you from?
What town is this?
Orange County, California.
I think he lives out in L.A.
now.
He's an old childhood buddy, and every time I see what he's up to, I see his songs going off.
But I don't want to influence your opinion, so I won't say mine.
Okay, I'll give you my honest opinion.
Alright, thanks for calling.
Yeah!
Sucks, boring, what a waste of time.
Stop!
We already gave the verdict.
Verdict is in.
What an absolute waste of time that was.
What a shit, boring, stupid, garbage... That was a true stinky drinking.
...third world song.
G-Dog, did you notice that there were butt boys at your Vegas show?
What?
There's a guy in a chair with two dudes.
You let us slide in there and take a pic with you.
Butt boys for life.
What do you mean?
Someone was butting in line for selfies?
Huh.
It was a guy in a chair.
I don't know.
You should have shot him.
Oh.
Stabbed him.
Oh.
The guy in the wheelchair.
Yeah.
That doesn't count.
Yes, it does.
Wheelchair people have to wait in line.
I don't know.
What?
I'm kind of pro wheelchair get to do whatever they want guy.
No fucking way.
First of all, you're sitting in a chair.
I don't know why they get to get in front of us at the airport.
I'll show you why.
This is a thing that Donovan commented on also.
Yeah, that's different.
You saw it?
Yes.
Hi everyone, I'm Jenny.
I'm a wheelchair user and I'm paralyzed from the waist down.
Okay, one detail she's leaving out.
She was wiping her ass.
I didn't know that.
They did not have toilet paper on that plane, so she wiped her ass down the aisle.
And nobody shoot her off the carpet?
This is how I get onto a plane, usually using an aisle chair.
This is what they got me onto the plane with, but unfortunately on my flight they didn't have an aisle chair.
You know how bad I'd feel if like Donovan came all the way out to see Limp Bizkit with me and this is what he had to do?
The problem with being a man there that wants to help her, what the fuck do you do?
Drag her, I guess.
Like, you can't just grab her t-shirt and pull her.
You gotta get your, you gotta be strong enough to get your hands under her armpits.
But now that you put your hands under her armpits, it makes her arms, like, wider, and I don't think they would- We can get through, yeah.
I don't think there's anything you could do.
Like, outside of putting a rope would be ideal.
You get a rope under her tits, and through her armpits, that, then I could pull her.
And I could handle that.
But I can't help you in the aisle, dear.
...told me that disabled people should just wear nappies on board, which I find bizarre that people think that that is the solution to this scenario.
I got a solution.
Move your legs.
What?
Like, why would you just stand up and walk down the aisle?
Obviously.
Why is she doing that?
I don't know if they can.
No, it's laziness.
She's so lazy that she won't move her legs.
She wants attention.
Yes, she's doing it for attention.
Sorry, you can't travel, Gims.
Let's take another call and hope it doesn't suck as bad as that.
Absolute stinkeroo.
This one's about music, too.
587, you're on the line.
By like a hundred Jesus, it's so nice to get through to you, boys.
Thank you.
How's it going, fellas?
So, uh, I was going to talk about music, but that last talk kind of really sucked, so let's not do that.
Yeah.
Um, my girlfriend is from Zimbabwe and I asked her about that textile.
So it's not available.
It's not available to the public there.
I think he got it made for himself.
Okay.
That doesn't mean you give up.
That means you've got to break into the palace and find it or find someone who worked for him or pay a maid.
You've got to find the Indians that made it for him.
Yeah it's probably you know honestly it's probably actually easier just to make it ourselves but because you know you know every time I have a dream like this I talk to a guy who talks to a guy and then someone sets it up and then I pay like 800 bucks and then this guy sends it and you finally get it and it's like Halloween costume garbage polyester and you're like this is not what I imagined although he is such a megalomaniac it's probably high quality fabric
Is he wearing the Jurassic Park?
Wait, how'd you just change the color there?
It's keyed out for the Super Chat.
Oh, I see.
Sorry, sir.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, caller.
Sorry.
Oh, I said the one I saw, it was like a bright orange pumpkin color with his stupid face all over it.
Exactly like those Eric Adams masks.
Yeah, it would be funny to show up at an important event like an awards ceremony and just have like the Academy Awards and just have a Mugabe suit on and never mention it.
But would it be funnier if it was his face or your face in his image?
With the Zimbabwean... Look at that suit!
My kingdom for that suit!
That's the ultimate Chad move, Gavin.
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
That could be funny.
It's a different kind of joke though.
What the fuck is on your head?
I guess it's just a beret.
You have to have a beret.
Everyone needs a beret.
Look at that.
And so it's not just, it's not just one or two suits.
His entire wardrobe is Robert Mugabe based.
I remember I read this great article about his, he had these gold glasses that were 100% like 14 karat gold.
And the writer who was African said, it is unclear if he is wearing the glasses or the glasses are wearing him.
He fancied a cowboy hat for a little bit.
This guy fucking rules.
He's the best evil person, better than Hitler.
Look at him.
Eat your heart out, Stalin.
Did you hear about his secretary?
So he has a bunch of kids and he sent them overseas to get educated or whatever and then he just gave the country to his secretary that he was bony.
Yeah, yeah, because she gave good head.
And that started a revolution, obviously, because the people were not happy about some slut getting the country as a gift.
All right, thanks for talking.
I'm simply out of time.
Bye.
Oh, that's a Perry reference.
I'm simply out of time.
I'm De Niro, baby!
Okay, I think we should go behind the paywall now.
But before we do, guys, we have new sauces coming next week.
A new precious metals company coming onto the show this month.
Sports betting is coming back this month.
And those established titles, guys, are coming back in November.
You're actually gonna be able to buy a plot of land next to my plot of land in Scotland.
So stay tuned.
Thanks.
Blah, blah, blah.
Again, Nita Fashions is on tour.
Contact them.
I'm out.
I didn't really hurt.
It just scared me.
Oh, my first instinct.
Now, what's wrong with my Scottish accent?
It puts me in a bad mood for hours.
But what exactly about it suck?
I really worked on it after I do a sentence and then I'll do a sentence.
OK, well, how about you do it first?
No, that's cheating.
OK, let's see.
So, the real problem that we've got... Like, real?
Why do you gotta come in with real?
Why do you gotta suck it up into your face so much?
Well, I think they do a lot of trillin' that arse.
A lot of trillin' that?
They do a lot of trillin' that?
Are you from Norway?
Are you a Scottish guy that lived in Finland for a long time?
They real?
When you wear a coat... When you wear a coat?
When you're out there on the field, I fight for my meals.
It's not to be persistent, or whatever you call it.
It's not bad is it?
It's got a tinge of like not so... When you wear a kilt, when you're out there, you fight for your meals.
You've got this thing where you go down like that.
You know who I'm basing it on?
This Mulatto guy.
Now, the reason why he talks so anglicized is because if I were to talk- Wait, that's that fucking retard who injects racism into all of British history.
He's been totally eviscerated by that dude with the mustache who goes through all the blackifization of history in general, but also British history.
Bruce Fummey?
Yeah, he's a white dude who happens to have a black dad and I'm talking about the guy you just showed and Is there a debate that he does?
Oh, maybe that's a different guy, actually.
I mean, he does inject racism.
Don't learn your Scottish impression from a fucking... Like, if you want to learn Scottish, dude, watch Rab Nesbitt.
That's that's Glaswegian.
I think that's a step above a regular Scottish accent.
Yeah.
So if that's going on, if you want to spar, spar with someone who's a better fighter than you.
That's true.
Just watch Trainspot.
You're fighting a girl.
Jet.
Was that a fight?
I thought it was a coo.
I banged a bitch like that.
Alright.
Is that a coo?
I thought it was a cow.
A coo?
He thought it was a cow.
He said it was a coo.
They call cows coos.
That's a fat ugly girl.
I thought it was a fucking coo.
Let me see.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Jet, what is it?
I'm looking for this drum here.
You any idea where it is?
That's when his son ran away from home and he had to go to London and he asked this British guy, he goes, see you, see my ween?
He's going away and all that, I can't find him.
I'm fucking driving all over London trying to find my ween.
And the British guy's like, I'm sorry, I can't understand you.
Then you're English.
And he goes, you can't understand me, you watch EastEnders!
And he goes, EastEnders, the show, yes, I enjoy it very much.
And it's from, it's an Australian soap opera.
He's like, that's fucking from halfway around the world!
I'm from up the road!
And you cannae understand me!
Or watch Still Game with subtitles.
I feel like I'm on since a year of culture, haven't I?
City of culture.
Are you George Bush?
Hi, George Bush!
Ask him if he's Kate Bush, man, ask him!
Shut up, man, shut up!
Are you Kate Bush?
Aye, that's right.
Couple of eejits.
No.
You stupid, old coo!
Relax, Martin, you don't need pie and biscuit anymore!
Yeah, you do need subtitles.
You don't, you didn't get that?
No!
You stupid coo?
That I heard.
Now what she said.
Martin, you don't... No.
You stupid old cow!
You've got an Empire Biscuit in there.
He's obviously special and he likes Empire Biscuits.
Matty, when you see that, do you think of, like, going there as a kid in the fucking rain?
Yeah.
And the drich, and the grey.
Ugh, where would they be without booze?
Wait, now I'm addicted. - Magazine.
Big cocks. - Put it in the bag, Jack.
Jesus.
I heard all that, yeah.
What kind of Scottish accent is that?
It's classical.
Is it?
Yeah.
Rob Nesbitt is like working class drunk slur.
- Do call again.
- Stop.
That smashing, two pound 60, do call again.
Did you get that? - I heard all that, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, it's much tamer, these guys.
- What kind of Scottish accent is that?
- It's Glasgow.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- Please.
- Rab Nesbitt is like working class drunk slurrer.
These guys are more buttoned up, but they're from the same street.
- Not.
- They must be taking over Naveed's shop.
I've never seen this episode.
It gives me great pleasure to be here today.
See?
He does go great.
They do roll the R's.
I never said they don't roll their R's.
Oh, okay.
I just don't like the oopa loopa ooky dooky thing you do.
All right, cheer.
It's like, it's not an uppy downy.
It's like a constant exhale.
Like, see yous people, hanging's too good for yous.
I'm not going to tolerate this, by the way there, big man.
I've been doing this for too long, to be waiting around, listening to you go up and doing and up and doing up the fucking Glen Carey, Glen Ross and all that, by the way there, big man.
It's absolutely unacceptable.
It's... There's no ooky booky.
All right.
It's a car pulling into a driveway.
See yous people, it's going to be no more than that.
I'll tell you that right now and it's not going to change in a million years by the way there, big man.
Now I don't know what content to, let's see.
Mugabe suit!
I used to work for a motocross manufacturer where we would use a process called dye sublimation and heat transfer to create jerseys.
Not the kind your spinster aunt uses for her etsy store.
We're talking pro mx jerseys.
There were many different types of fabric we used.
Pretty sure there's a basic that would sublimate well and still feel like a good suit.
If you can't get the actual Mugabe fabric, I think this may be the The Root.
Okay, what about this?
What if I talk to Anita Fashions and I say, how much roll do you need for a suit?
I don't know, say it's like five yards by a yard, right?
Five by one yards.
So I ship that to these guys And I get my Mugabe suit.
Oh.
I could do it on Photoshop, maybe.
So they, yeah, we get the print.
That's easy enough.
We can just look at it and recreate it.
And that wrinkle you just saw was because it's a finished t-shirt.
I'm going to be sending them just five yards of fabric.
There's going to be no wrinkles to worry about.
And then I send it back to Nita Fashions, and they make my fucking Mugabe suit.
And then I start going to important functions.
It was a Mugabe suit.
In a Mugabe suit?
Funerals?
Yeah, you're just booking funerals to go to?
Yeah.
Important talks?
Oh my god, I'm doing a talk at Penn State in October.
That would be so good to get out there.
Hello!
- Hello. - In the beginning of the beginning. - Turns into that frog. - Let's get behind the paywall.
You've had enough fun, we're gonna go take some calls, get to know our people.
My favorite thing about Thursday nights is we get to know the Baby Monsters.
We get to know the people who pay ten bucks a month to watch all of our shows, which are I'd say like five hours a day of total content.
A lot of shit, more than you should be watching.
If you're watching everything on censored.tv, you gotta get a life.
When we started it, I felt bad saying, new shit every day, because it wasn't true.
So I didn't say it.
But now it's, oh yeah, there's more than you can watch, more than you can handle.
And I do six days a week.
Sometimes the show's an hour, if Ryan's away and we're in a rush.
Sometimes, like tomorrow, it's four hours.
And that's how you hear about fun events, like our show in Dallas this weekend, Friday and Saturday.
Our show in Chicago coming up, starring Crip Daddy!
Woo!
Crip Daddy can't get on planes with that stupid wheelchair.
So one of the only opportunities he has to do his stand-up, which is ironic, is when the promoters are in Chicago.
So he's going to be there in his little chair doing his little like, hey, I got a joke.
It's so funny that he looks like the scariest guy in Better Call Saul.
And he's the least scary guy in Better Call Earth.
But, um, yeah, he'll be there.
And then we have a New York thing.
We'll have to announce that like eight seconds before, because New York is a big Antifa town.
Although maybe we should just tell them and rough them up like we do.
I will clap some cheeks.
When we did at NYU, we beat up like dozens of Antifa when I did my NYU talk.
Until some of the guys felt bad.
Remember Friar Tuck?
Yeah.
He was like, I got to stop.
He's a monster.
He was, he played football in college.
He's like 30 feet tall.
He's a giant.
And he goes, after a while, it wasn't fun.
It was kind of sad.
Anyway.
Yeah.
So, uh, see you in Dallas tonight.
And, uh, For those of you who are willing to forego the cost of a beer and a half a month, we will stick around.
And for you freeloaders, sorry, party's over.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting!
Violent protests over a speaker on campus here.
Fuck you, Normie.
He is apparently a Canadian writer, actor, comedian.
He's the co-founder of Vice.
Go fuck another vagina, you gross pigs.
Serious XF pulling the plug on Anthony Cumia this week.
You got big fucking tits!
I watched that and I said, this chick's too retarded to fuck.
You shouldn't do it.
They take anything you say and then fucking twist it around.
This is the part of Seth that's going to get real mean before I leave.
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