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Aug. 21, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:15:04
GOML LIVE #162 - NO WACK PACK (Part 1)

Matty leaves for vacation so our intrepid host scrambles to fill the hole with Slyvia and Linda. They both say no so Ryan makes do with some funny imitations that go nowhere.

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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
What a rolling song of you.
Where were you when the stars went out?
Where were you when they started to shout?
I saw you alone by the door.
And our love friends call you a fool.
Ghost in the castle.
Thank you.
*Pewds* That was Psychic TV.
Starring Genesis P. Orridge.
One of the lifelong eccentrics of the modern world.
I mean, this guy has been a weirdo since before you were born.
And I respect that.
He commits to the bit.
It's interesting that this song goes, where were you?
Talking about where were you, we were the originals.
And Gen X, my favorite band, has a song called, where were you in 75 when there were no gigs?
We were jamming.
Maybe Billy Idol got it from Genesis P. Orge.
Because Genesis P. Orridge started Generation X. What happened was the Sex Pistols were the sex band, meaning the clothing store Sex, Malcolm McLaren's shop.
They not only had a clothing store, they had their own punk band, a rock band.
So the guys of Boy of London, who Genesis P. Orridge helped create, go, we want a band.
So Genesis goes, okay, what about Chelsea?
Because your store's in Chelsea.
And they go, great, let's get, who do you got?
And they got Billy Idol, they got a bunch of guys, and then they changed their name to Generation X. Created a band that might be as good as the Sex Pistols?
I don't know.
Turn this up, these guys.
They started to steal your glory.
They never even told your story.
It's all about Brian Jones.
Genesis thinks that Brian Jones was murdered.
Apparently he was trying to start a band with Jimmy Page and Jimi Hendrix.
And that's too much rock?
I don't know what... The problem with these conspiracy theorists is, what's the motive?
So Genesis is like, too much rock.
I actually don't know what he thinks the motive is, but...
I sort of got into a rabbit hole with these guys because of this Nardwaur interview that A Baby Monster sent.
1-3.
It's a really good interview.
It's really fun.
By the way, that guy's a fucking, whatever you think of him, you call him a decrepit tranny.
He's got fake tits.
He's a man.
He was doing trans before anyone even thought of it.
He got a bunch of plastic surgery to look like his wife, which has never been done.
That's pretty impressive.
The guy's 70.
He looks better than my dad.
Sorry.
Sorry, Jimmy McInnes.
But this lunatic mental patient must be doing something, right?
Anyway, it's weird.
Play some of that.
It's funny hearing Nardwar's accent juxtaposed. - In a Soviet program somewhere in Canada, somewhere very secret.
- Nardwar! - You know, he reminds me of Jeevo Shea, my friend from Kras, who doesn't love me anymore 'cause I'm Trump.
But they always have, like, all these old punks, all these old anarchists, all these old hippies.
They have this whole thinking outside the box thing.
Where you're like, do you want me to pass you the salt?
Why pass anything?
Why not throw me the salt?
Everything has got to be weird.
Why speak into the microphone?
Why not speak outside of the microphone?
Good question, really.
What is a question?
It's Edly O'Dowd.
That's Edly O'Dowd.
That's me.
Welcome to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
Thank you.
Right off the bat, Genesis, I have a gift for you.
Brian, come back, you I'll forgive him.
Bastard!
Anyway, you get it.
You can look that up on your own.
Silk City Hot Sauce is sponsoring the show.
Guys, we already sold out of the G-Sauce in two weeks.
I gotta say, we get a lot of product reviews.
People seem happy with the things we promote, but nothing like this Silk City Hot Sauce.
People are fucking tripping over themselves to ingest it.
My limited 500 bottle rum with Silk City is gone, but we're announcing five new sauces in the next two weeks.
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It's a very wild ride.
Very dangerous.
The winner will receive a gift box from the Censored.TV team.
This is our Halloween sauce.
Get in the Halloween spirit and make some artwork.
Sauce for, of course, is Ryan getting his own sauce, which I call Ryan Jizz.
I thought that would be a fun name for it.
That would be cool.
And just like that Kiss comic book.
Remember that?
They all put a little bit of their blood inside of the red ink.
Right, you should put a bit of jizz in there.
Just like you put a little tiny bit of jizz in your wife every year and a half.
Just about.
Matty's getting his own sauce.
500 bottles.
That's called don't joke about Matty or I'll kill you.
Chime in with what flavors you want to taste.
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I'm kind of surprised what a hit this was.
Yeah.
You know what Maddie's could be?
Your throat here.
You know he's got that tattoo?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a great idea.
But it's in like hell.
Like your throat here.
Yeah, it's gonna hurt your throat.
I'm not gonna kill you, but it's gonna hurt your throat.
These are collector items.
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Guys, I want to say, Much to my chagrin, because I asked you to send me high-vis tees and you sent me fucking dozens.
So now I'm looking at a thousand dollar bill.
But we finally got our high-vis tees.
They look sick.
And you know what I love about wearing these?
No one knows that I'm wearing my own shirt.
Right.
So there's the front.
Here's the back.
La Frenta.
GOML Lawn Care.
Real phone number.
You have a mouse on your head for some reason.
I'm not sure why that is.
Me and my wife were trying to figure that out.
I was like, either it's because I have a rat's nest on my head, some would say, or it's like a Ratatouille thing, where I could only be smart enough to mow a lawn if there was a rat controlling me in a Disney-esque fashion.
That's way too ambitious.
Let me text the guy who made the shirt.
I'm smart enough to think of that.
No, because that's a retarded eerie.
Wait, okay, well.
Here, let's call again.
I'm trying to get this yellow matched.
It's really fucking hard.
Here, this is what it actually looks like, guys.
No, it doesn't look like that.
Well, that's the yellow.
That's the orange.
Hey man, you're on the show.
Don't say your name or your home address or your pin.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, great.
What's up, guys?
Hey, we got the shirts.
We're fucking thrilled.
They look beautiful.
Why is there a mouse in Ryan's hair?
Because he always makes fun of him how he watches cartoons.
My thought process was the whole Ratatouille thing.
He's controlling him, you know what I mean?
Okay, so that was his theory and I just told him that's fucking idiotic.
It's still idiotic.
That was my thought process too with his lawnmower.
It's like a toy lawnmower.
That's why it's all chunky and stuff like that.
He's too stupid to mow a lawn, so he needs a rat in his hair telling him how to do it.
And his grass, you'll see, it's pushed down.
It's not cut.
It's just like his grass is pushed down.
Like my hair.
It's like anything kind of retarded I was thinking of.
What's, like, the dumbest thing that somebody could do is, like, using a toy lawnmower on real grass while a mouse is controlling them?
I have a flat tire as well.
I don't know how it goes.
Yeah, one of them is flat.
You know, you Mexicans got a lot of balls making fun of the Japanese.
Oh, yeah, man.
We hate all races, especially Chinese and blacks.
All right.
Thanks, Beast.
That guy sucks, man.
I hate him.
He seems pretty cool to me.
Oh yeah, he's a fucking racist.
Racist is gross.
Yes, we don't like that.
He humiliated you.
He tried.
So we're gonna find out what his phone number is and cancel his... You just called him.
We're gonna cancel his prescription.
Okay, well that's... okay.
In other news, great news, the turgid tattletale Brian Stetler has been fired for being annoying.
Yes.
That makes me feel good.
You like to see your enemies fail.
I got a bunch of clips on that.
Maybe start with one of them.
You know what I realized about my hair recently?
It's cultural appropriation.
I have a Jewfro.
I have a Scottish Jewfro.
I wear black woman's perm cream and I get this gorgeous locks with this brilliant sheen.
I am appropriating black culture.
I'm like Beyonce in reverse.
But aren't they appropriating white culture by making their hair straight anyway?
Well, white cultures always had bro cream.
So they just have like the best bro cream in the universe.
So let's show this.
He's gone.
Sorry, your ratings suck.
Look at his fucking face!
Look at this guy's face!
Look at his face!
What is that?
What is that thing?
That is the best argument for abortion I've ever seen.
It's a weird beaver egg.
He's a beaver egg.
One time, back when I was on Twitter, I said, it's so weird to go through my feed and see this weird, disgusting little man saying his opinions and he's in my hand.
And then he banned me immediately.
Look at him.
It's Brian Stelter.
There it is.
Oh my God.
I mean, that is a horror movie cover.
Seriously, he is scarier looking than Hit the Clown.
I mean, would you let your children anywhere near that psychopath?
I mean, that is a psychopath right there.
I mean, look at him.
God.
He goes off on his face.
It cries out, danger, danger, alert, alert.
I am a scumbag.
I am filth.
I am your enemy.
So he treads, like, lightly now after this whole, like, defamation thing, but he comes really close to saying that basically he's like, you don't trust him around your kids.
Yeah, I wouldn't trust him around my kids.
Would you?
Allegedly, I would not.
Would you let Daphne be babysat by Brian Stelter?
Allegedly, I wouldn't even have her in the same room as Stutler.
Allegedly.
Someone reminded me of this while talking about him where he talked about how the pandemic got so bad he cried.
He crawled into bed and cried.
If I crawled into bed.
Yeah, there it is.
You got the right link.
CNN's Brian Stelter crawled in bed and cried over coronavirus.
Whose bed?
Derek's?
Yeah, your own bed?
Imagine you crawled in bed and cried.
You'd be like, did your mom die?
No worse.
Oh, you're, you're, you got prostate cancer?
No way worse.
Um, I have a pretty good imagination, but I'm kind of stumped right now.
People are having to wear masks and stay at home due to a made up pandemic.
A plandemic.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's not your problem.
You fucking turgid pussy.
He's right guys.
Look at his red socks.
This is what he will be remembered for this.
Maybe I am a Yankees fan because I hate his red socks.
I mean, frankly, if you look at it.
Okay, so that guy fucked up.
And then Stelter showed this.
Me, me, me.
So much of this shit is megalomania too.
Not just leftist politics or CNN, but trans shit.
Every time you really analyze the left, you get hit with this tsunami of self-indulgence and megalomania.
By the way, men in red socks is like kinky.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like our socks should be black for suits.
I've got a little secret.
Grey.
Wait, you have tons of red socks?
You're wearing them now?
No, that's like a little, I got a little secret.
It's like a weird sexy thing.
Like if my wife wore red socks, I'd probably rape her in the hallway.
Because I'd be so horny because it's kind of weird.
You know?
But a man wearing red socks, it's very sexual.
It's very unusually sexual.
What are you doing, Ryan?
You sound like you're taking off some socks and throwing them away.
Is that Brian Stetler?
It's supposed to be.
You sound like a chick.
No, this is how Brian Stittler talks.
Listen.
This was me live on CNN with just two minutes notice talking with Wolf Blitzer about Trump's Twitter account being banned.
You remind me of publicity.
Let's follow his career according to Carpe Donctum from day one.
It's been quite a trajectory.
Go!
Make it bigger.
My brains!
I'm going into my... Ludicrous speed!
*Evil Screams* *Screams* *Screams* Ludicrous speed!
Go!
Go!
*Screams* Hmm...
Here's something crazy...
I'm not an atheist.
I'm a Catholic.
I believe in God.
I think it's inarguable, but I'm happy to argue it.
But I saw Sam Harris.
I read his book, The End of Faith.
Really good book.
Fascinating read.
He's a great reader, writer.
I like that he dared to attack Islam more than any other religion.
But I can hang out with atheists.
I would say our number two most watched videos on censored.tv are Atheism is Unstoppable.
No problem with that.
It's a different angle.
He's got a lot of intelligent shit to say about pop culture, so yeah, come on board.
We disagree about God?
Who fucking cares?
Who cares if your co-workers disagree?
Sam Harris, I think atheism is unstoppable, but AIU is a big fan of Sam Harris.
Sam Harris said this today, and I'm just like, you're smart, but you're a fucking Retard!
I mean, Hunter Biden, at that point, Hunter Biden literally could have had the corpses of children in his basement.
I would not have cared, right?
What?
There's nothing.
First of all, it's Hunter Biden, right?
It's not Joe Biden, but even if Joe Biden- No, they're linked.
Whatever scope of Joe Biden's corruption is, if we could just go down that rabbit hole endlessly and understand that he's getting kickbacks from Hunter Biden's deals in Ukraine or wherever else, right?
Or China.
It is infinitesimal.
Compared to the corruption we know Trump is involved in.
It's like a firefly to the sun.
It doesn't even stack up against Trump University.
Trump University is the same as Bounce U. It's the same as if we did Censored U.
We would set up a course, hey, we'll have like Devin, me, Anthony, do a thing, teach you how to, I don't know, analyze media, some bullshit, and we give you a degree at the end.
We'd all put in like 30 hours of work and eventually, it's a totally rational, plausible business plan.
My brother was actually trying to make us do this, make us do this, help us do this.
Lots of people do this, they have these courses, right?
It's no one for a second with an IQ over 80 thinks that it's a literal university.
When you go to Trump U you get it's a crash course in how to do real estate.
It's a very helpful silly little course.
No one thinks you have a PhD in it.
It's not fraudulent, you fucking moron.
How is a guy this smart such a fucking idiot?
Trump you?
Really?
Fuck you.
How about that?
You have a PhD in fuck you.
You like that?
Yes.
...is worse than anything that could be in Hunter Biden's laptop.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
Wow.
So, Hunter Biden was setting up deals with the Chinese and with Ukraine, and he was using his vice president father as the big guy to help facilitate these deals.
Not just the mining thing in Ukraine, but major hedge funds, along with, I think it was John Kerry's son, Where they are getting multi-million dollar kickbacks, quid pro quo total corruption.
When Biden found out they were investigating it, this is Vice President Biden, he bragged about it on air and said, by the time I land my plane on my six hour flight, this investigator is going to be fired.
So these guys are involved in using Obama and Vice President Biden to facilitate major global deals.
Millions and millions of dollars.
Yes, the crack cocaine shit is bad.
All that shit is bad.
But also, the crack cocaine shit is also bad because it can be used by our enemies to bribe you.
To facilitate other deals where we're going to show fucking Hunter Biden's dick in some 16 year old.
So it's not just random crack use we're concerned about.
No one's cared about that for a long time.
We're worried about how it affects the most powerful administration in the world, the most powerful country in the world.
It's not irrelevant, Sam.
What's the matter with you?
I fucking hate this guy now.
And I think I remember, I got a warning sign a long time ago where he, a good red flag is shitting on Proud Boys.
If they say the Proud Boys are violent or racist or something, you know you're dealing with someone who's not necessarily an idiot, but who is not really involved in what they're saying.
They'll throw people under the bus without doing any research.
Basically you sound like someone made you say that Like when I shit on Sam Harris allegedly at 825 make sure you say the script I sent you and I almost forgot to so I rushed it out I don't want to get fired and then they will throw you under the bus no matter what happens.
Yeah Keep going with this fucker Now that's not, that doesn't answer the people who say it's still completely unfair to not have looked at the laptop in a timely way and to have shut down the, you know, the New York Post's Twitter account.
Like that's just a conspiracy, that's a left-wing conspiracy to deny the presidency to Donald Trump.
Absolutely it was, absolutely, right?
But I think it was warranted.
Right.
And again, it's a coin toss as to whether or not that particular piece is... Sam, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I was the one that said we should move on, but you've just said something I really struggle with, which is you support... The kids in the basement?
No, no.
Fuck the kids in the basement.
I'm interested in democracy.
You're saying you are content With a left-wing conspiracy to prevent somebody being democratically re-elected as president.
Well, no, I'm content, but the thing is it's just not left-wing, right?
So Liz Cheney is not left-wing, right?
Liz Cheney is doing everything in her power.
You're content with a conspiracy to prevent somebody being democratically re-elected?
No, but there's nothing, conspiracy, it's not, it was a conspiracy out in the open, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what part's conspiracy.
Did you miss the part where he said, He said, oh, Gavin McInnes and his loser balls that are ugly.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I thought I'd watched that video before.
Oh you did?
What's the matter with my balls?
No one's ever insulted my balls before.
I think I'll rewind it a little bit.
It doesn't matter what part's conspiracy, what part's out in the open.
He's still talking about your balls.
Like which ball is out in the open.
When you wear short shorts, one of them might be out in the open.
I don't like that.
Yeah, no, it's fucked up.
I don't like the guy.
Dick.
Now I hate him twice as much.
One for each ball.
What should we do about this phenomenon?
He said one's wrinkly, one's smooth.
Don't it's a wrinkly ball.
Is that true?
I don't know.
I don't think I felt my balls in like years.
Hmm Normal grape, feeling a normal grape.
Gotcha.
Grape isn't a great size either.
He mentioned that too.
Big grape.
Mmm, the biggest grape ever.
Big grape, feeling a normal big grape.
There's definitely zero texture to these things as far as what I can feel.
Okay.
It seems like he's, I don't know, he's got his facts all over the place.
If there was an asteroid hurtling toward Earth.
I was talking about your ass.
Anyway, but here's some of the comments that Posobic retweeted about him.
Oh wait, no, that's not it.
Here we go.
Elon Musk wants Republicans to be nice and Sam Harris wants to lock up his opponents.
See the problem?
Here's another one.
Anyone notice these supposed atheists and intellectuals always use children as their examples?
Yeah, that's a big thing.
He did.
He literally did.
By the way, when anyone uses your children in an analogy or in an argument, they're a fucking idiot evil person.
What if your daughter was raped?
How do you feel now?
Well, I feel irrational and angry and I want to kill everyone.
Okay, now I want to argue with you.
He wouldn't have cared if Hunter Biden literally had corpses of children in his basement.
That's not a great quote there, Sammy Boy.
I wouldn't care.
I would be pretty carey.
Isn't that how we caught John Wayne Gacy?
He had a bunch of kids in his fucking, under his deck.
Yeah, do you not care about him?
Or what do you do?
What a fucking... Next subject, before we start the show.
This guy David Weissman came up while I was looking at that tweet, and that guy's so fucking weird, man.
David Weiss?
He's one of the weirdest people I know.
No?
David Weissman.
Okay.
Look at his picture.
Army vet.
Former Republican.
Fucking badass.
Murderer.
Guy who fucking throws people over tanks.
My dick fucks chicks.
I don't even know about it.
I'm asleep and I wake up and some chick is slapping me.
I'm like, what the fuck's the problem?
And I find out my anaconda went out partying and fucked tons of chicks.
And my cock has like a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses on.
Like Sanjay and Craig, that cartoon with the snake.
And I'm like, dude, what the fuck did you do?
All these chicks are pissed off at me.
Sorry, man, I gotta get laid and you're a pussy and a fag.
Fag?
I fucked Eva Mendez all day.
Yeah, that's one chick.
Fuck you.
You know what?
Fuck you, dick.
Pull up Sanjay and Craig.
So that's what you think when you see that picture.
You go, Jesus Christ, that guy has constant fights with his dick over the various women they fuck together, separately, blah, blah, blah.
I had him on my show a million years ago.
But that's his dick.
All right, let's see here.
I don't like that that Sanjay is or Craig is voiced by that annoying nerd Chris Hardwell Hardwick, whatever.
Oh, yeah, where'd he go?
Oh, he does the he does like talking Saul.
Oh, he does that?
Okay.
Yeah, Better Call Saul.
Which, you watch a fictional show, you don't want to see it explained.
Yeah, that's what you should be doing with your friends afterwards.
With the producer and the director and stuff.
By the way, I get all these emails, people are like, so do you think the ending was gay or do you think it was awesome?
And I'm like, wait, that was the end?
Oh.
I didn't know.
I'm all excited for next Tuesday.
Oh.
It's over, dude.
It didn't feel endy?
Now, every episode of Better Call Saul felt endy.
Wow.
And I don't want to do any spoilers.
Spoiler alert!
But this woman figures out that he's Saul Goodman, so he runs out of her house.
And you're like, OK, can't wait till next week.
Oh, but you see, they can't really do a crazy amount with him because... Because?
Because... Is working in the Bronx affecting your accent?
That's an affectation that I like to do.
I like to put that on.
They can't really do much with the character because in Breaking Bad he's still gotta be alive, you know?
That's not a big restriction.
Yeah, but you can't kill them all.
You have to live.
Pretty good.
That's about it.
You see Gavin, out here in America, where speakers go boom boom, you got your little red Dixie cup, you got your Daisy Dukes hacked all the way up to your butt.
You can do whatever you want.
It's America.
What's that goddamn Better Call Saul?
Better Call Saul's a show made here in America.
A grassroots enterprise made by Americans just like you and me.
Basically every show made in America?
Except that show about extras?
Not Squid Game.
Squid Game, yeah.
There's that French show about a CAA acting agency.
That's one other show.
I think like 99.9% of shows anyone talks about are made in America.
Including the top shows in the Congo.
Like I have a cheat box and I go to Jamaican shows and I look at Jamaican Cartoon Network.
It's just, it's just American shows.
Hmm.
So what are you talking about?
And who are you by the way?
Luke Bryan.
The like Nazi hunter who has a Nazi family?
No, no.
I'm a country music star.
Oh, that's Luke O'Brien.
Luke Bryan.
Speaking of names that are similar, David Weissman's a weird guy that you don't like.
You ever hear about David Weiss?
The flat earther?
He wants to interview you and have a whole special about flat earthers.
I want to talk to a flat earther.
I think people would love to see that.
Would they?
Absolutely.
Here's the only way I should do it.
I'll get a guy who's an expert.
So when this asshole says like, the Great Lakes are actually flat and if you look at them you don't see a curve.
And I don't have to sit there and go, I've looked that up and that's that.
I can have the smart guy go, yeah dude it's the refraction of the sun.
It still would be fun to just see how much he can get away with saying.
Here's a funny thing, when the callers call in, see how much of them will actually say that they're 100% sure that the earth is not flat?
For every caller, we'll ask them that and we'll see what's what.
How crazy are your viewers?
Can't wait to have you down south, Gabbo.
Can't wait to go down south.
Salute.
Salute.
Very French thing to say.
So that's David Weissman on Twitter, right?
Badass.
Let's go back to that.
So he looks like he will just like your throat here he'll murder you for saying the wrong thing.
And this is a great example of the way people on social media portray themselves and the way they are.
Let's look at who David Weissman is in person.
OK.
Let's see that badass murderer fucking vigilante.
Tennessee Holler Facebook Live.
We're tnholler.com, at the TN Holler on Twitter and Facebook.
Thank you to everybody who supports us and helps amplify the messages.
Ship in a few bucks, that's how we survive.
Today we have a very special guest, David Weissman.
He has a really interesting story to tell, one that I find to be really important.
David, how are you today?
Good, thank you for having me on.
What?
What the fuck is that?
Yeah, you don't know this guy?
Oh my lord.
Hi, thanks for having me on.
That's not an exaggeration.
Hey, you guys.
David, how are you today?
I'm good, thank you for having me.
Thank you for having me.
I feel bad.
I appreciate you coming on.
I really appreciate you being so open about the story, because not many are.
Now I'm one of you guys.
Can I come aboard?
And now you no longer are.
Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Yeah, I was in the military for a transient years.
Been deployed.
Transient years?
Are we sure?
How many years?
Did an IUD blow up his nose?
I was in the military for transient years.
If that's like a result of like action, then I feel bad.
I remember when I had him on my old show, I was, I was like, Oh, this guy's a badass Israeli fucking cool right winger.
Um, and then he's like, hi, I'm happy to be here.
And I went, Oh shit.
This is another NPR voice.
This is another Ira Glass.
It's a low T voice.
Sorry, Jews.
You tend to have low T guys in your stable.
He's like a stern whack-knacker level.
This guy, Justin Canu, just Canu, what the fuck is going on?
And it's not good.
I've been, Justin, I've been in your shoes.
- So when you say-- - He's like a stern wackpacker level. - This guy, Justin Canoe, just Canoe what the fuck is going on, and it's not good.
I've been, Justin, I've been in your shoes.
I've been in your shoes, Canoes. - Religious values, what were some of the issues What was it about him that you appreciated?
Boring!
Megalomania!
Tons of jump cuts he had to make too.
Megalomania!
at the time I didn't know much about it, but I'm leaning the whole, that was a sin thing.
- When did you start to become a Trump fan?
What was it about him that you appreciated?
- It was actually in a general election, supporting 10 crews in the primaries.
- Boring megalomania.
- Tons of jump cuts he had to make too.
- Megalomania.
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I've been taking gummies at bed.
Their gummies are sick.
I can't lie.
The dreams are pretty nuts, man.
Pretty, pretty wild ride.
My daughter had a sleepover the other day and one of her friends sleepwalks.
That's fun.
And I could have shot her in the head as I heard someone walk around my master bedroom bathroom.
But thanks to the gummies, this sleepover girl lived.
And I could hear like walking and I knew she was friendly fire because my dog wasn't barking.
Oh yeah.
If like when the garbage man comes to pick up the fucking recycling, the dog goes nuts.
So if you're within a hundred yards of our house, my dog goes insane and it makes me mad sometimes, but I appreciate it.
It's doing his job.
But he was silent as a mouse, which means I trust her.
So I was like, okay, the dog's not barking.
No one broke into the house.
And then I can hear her in my master bedroom and I hear like a plastic cup go ting, diddling, ting, ting.
Like falling inside, and I'm nude, so I guess I gotta put on underwear, and I don't wanna see her.
Like, I don't wanna see a 16-year-old girl being like, hello, what?
And then, so you go, okay, well, lock your bedroom door.
Eh, I'd rather take the hit.
I don't want her going into my son's room that's next to my daughter's room, or my other son's room.
So I'm like, come on in, sleepwalker.
And I know she sleepwalks, I've heard of this before.
That's hilarious.
So I was stoned out of my mind and it actually helped the situation because I was, I had a higher IQ and I was like the Terminator like assessing the situation.
I knew what the cup was and I knew how long she'd been in there for.
Then I heard her like leave the master bedroom and wander out in the hallway and go back into my daughter's room.
Sleepwalking, that's fascinating.
I've always been kind of jealous that I didn't sleepwalk.
I know, it is kind of FOMO.
Like, you'd think that would be cool.
That sounds so cool.
Although, if you really want to sleepwalk, just black out drunk.
Yeah, but, yeah.
But, you know, that has consequences because you wake up and you feel like shit.
If you get that drunk.
But this is like, you're just sober.
I told you a story about my friend Jamie McCabe, right?
I don't know.
We were tree planting and tree planting you're mostly living in a tent but occasionally if the demographics and the geographics align you end up in a motel and being in a shitty motel in rural Canada in North Bay or Etobicoke or not even Etobicoke that's way too south but like Cobalt Ontario for example speaking of our shits
Ryan Miranda in Quebec, any sort of northern Ontario place.
Being in a motel is heaven on earth.
It's a bed, there's no bugs, it's climate controlled.
Like the shittiest motel in the world is heaven when you're a tree planter.
So I heard Jamie sleepwalks.
And so he tells me, he's like, dude, I gotta warn you tonight, I sleepwalk.
So I was on a cot, they were sharing a queen bed, and me and there's all three foremen, we were foremen telling people how to plant trees.
And he goes, yeah, I should warn you, I sleepwalk.
I'm like, okay.
I don't give a fuck.
And he goes, if I approach you, just explain the logical fallacy with what I'm saying and I'll fall back asleep.
Wow.
I'm like, okay, thanks for the homework assignment.
And he goes, for example, again, TMI, for example, when I was much younger, I was, I told my brother, I ran downstairs and I screamed at him, I go, there's a stampede of married women chasing me.
And, um, my brother goes, okay, this is pre-internet, of course.
How did they meet?
Uh, what's their motive?
Do they, do they talk on the phone?
Why are they, why are they chasing you?
What's in it for them?
Aren't they going to get arrested?
And after I laid all that down, I, my brother laid all that down.
I went, oh, and I, I went to bed.
This is Jamie talking.
So I'm like, uh, okay, got it.
Don't care.
Cremation of care.
But, uh, okay.
So that night at about three in the morning, he comes over to my cot and he sits next to me.
He's like, Hey, I'm like, what was outing?
Hello.
And he goes, let me explain something to you.
Okay, what are we going to fight?
Should I get my shiv?
He goes, I have two posters in my room.
I have a Maurice, the Rocket Richard poster above my bed.
It's right there.
And then I have a BMW poster just says BMW.
It's the logo of BMW and that's at the other end of my bed.
Then I have my chest of drawers and everything else.
That's a fact.
You can call my parents.
You can look that up.
It's indisputable.
And I'm like, okay, got it.
Thanks.
And then he goes to bed.
So the next morning, I go, thanks for the heads up about the posters in your room, Jamie.
He's like, I don't know what you're talking about.
And I told him what I just told you.
And he goes, I don't have any posters in my room.
Whoa.
I got a bunch of stupid like frame things my mom put up.
I didn't really decorate my room.
I'm not into rooms.
So his sleepwalking self was like, someone's threatening me.
They're threatening my existence.
So I have to go and cover my tracks.
It's almost like multiple personalities.
That is wild.
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All right, so we should probably, we'll go behind the paywall soon, but we should probably start taking calls, opening up the chats, all that shit.
I should say, Matty's gone.
Oh yeah, he was saying he can call in or video in.
We don't want him, we fired him.
Oh.
He tried to molest Ryan.
Now, I'm not saying that- He grabbed Ryan's ass.
And that's a deal breaker here at the show.
Our people are not sexual objects.
Thank you.
And what I didn't do, I didn't bend down.
No, I'll tell you what Ryan did, he started crying.
Yes, I did.
And then I walked in, I go, what's going on here?
And Maddie goes, I'm just joking.
I'm just joking around.
And Ryan was, his mascara was streaming.
I don't have mascara.
You had mascara on that day.
No I didn't.
He was crying his eyes out.
The way I reported the story to Fire Matty was that.
And Fire Matty is a government institution at this point.
It's 612, you call 612 and anytime Matty gets a job you dial 612 and you're like, Matty did this.
It's like a 911 or a 411 but he has his own government call line.
Fire Matty is also the name of the hot sauce that we're coming out with.
Actually it is now.
Yes.
Literally.
He's on a road trip doing some shit.
But I also tried to get Sylvia and Linda.
Linda was not having it.
Hey Linda, I'm coming by to pick you up.
Oh, okay.
Well, I have to talk to some people that uh, I can arrange that.
Do you need that right now?
Like she hates committing to things.
I go, Linda, I'll just pick you up.
Where are you?
I'll drive.
I'm in my car.
Oh, okay.
Well, um, that's actually, I don't think I can do that immediately.
I go, I'll give you a hundred dollars to come on the show.
You just sit there.
Yeah.
I actually was not prepared to work tonight.
So, uh, This woman calls me a hundred times a day.
She sends me an emoji an hour.
Okay, that math doesn't add up, but you know what I'm saying.
And then we have Sylvia.
Dude, I was talking to a cop in New Rochelle, where she used to live, and he goes, yeah, she was a fucking nightmare.
Did I tell you this yet?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
About the black and the n-word?
Okay, wait, no.
Did we talk about this?
No.
He goes, yeah, that husband she wants to reunite with, Jose, he's a fucking nightmare, total racist psycho, he hates niggers.
Yes, I think I do remember this.
Did we talk about this on the show?
Yeah.
So I talked to her, I go, is that true?
And she goes, that's not true at all.
He, no, I said he hates, the cop said he hates blacks.
And then Sylvia goes, no, he hated niggers because a nigger killed his son.
He loves blacks.
Okay.
And then the cop also said, he's like, dude, we get calls from her all day, every day, which is now my calls.
I get them.
And he goes, the black teens would always be at her house.
Like 24 hours a day, there'd be like seven black teenagers there.
Siete Negro teenagers?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Okay, combine that with her saying, I was a call girl, with her saying, I'm an American slut.
I'm not Italian or Jewish.
I'm an American slut.
Combine that with her saying to me once, my biggest regret was my addiction to cock.
What, you love sucking dick?
I don't know, I'm Jewish, I don't suck dicks.
But just my love of cock, it ruined all seven of my marriages.
I think guys would go to her house and they would fuck her for 10 bucks.
And there'd be 10 in a day and she'd make a hundred bucks.
That is my theory of my friend, Sylvia.
Anyway, so she calls me yesterday and she's like, why didn't you call back?
I'm like, I'm putting my kid to bed.
What's going on now?
I don't know.
Call me later.
And then 10 minutes later, she texts me, I'm dying.
Okay.
That's bad.
So I call her back.
No answer.
I text her back, obviously, no answer.
I'm in, like, just shorts, nothing else.
I'm like, thank you.
And I go, I guess I gotta, like, drive down there.
So I call my buddy Mike, who lives in her building, or next to her building, and he's like, yo, I just went down there.
He's got a giant pit bull.
I just went down there.
No answer, dude.
Looks bad.
So I go, oh, fuck.
So I get in the car and I start driving, and I'm like, What if she's blue when I get there?
I don't mean down.
Right.
I don't mean pornographic.
Do I gotta like... Gotta?
Do I gotta CPR her?
If she's dead, I just made out with a dead woman.
Yeah.
That's up there with sucking a dick.
Is it not?
Yeah, necrophilia is worse than... You ever suck a dude's dick?
Like, say you're at a party.
You're talking to some straight men.
You ever suck a dude's dick?
I did.
In college.
I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
Okay, that's gross.
Did you ever make out with a dead woman?
I did.
Well, I didn't make out.
It was CPR.
That's as gross.
Isn't it?
In the eyes of the Lord, it might be worse.
No, fuck the Lord.
No offense, God.
But as far as, like, your nightmares.
Like, you're lying in bed, you know when you get the terrors when you drink too much and it's like four in the morning and you're thinking about terrible stuff?
What's more in your head?
The time you blew a dude in college?
Or the time your... your lips were on a dead woman's mouth?
Now, in the interim, from this event to now, I talked to a guy who's like a lifeguard expert.
He trains lifeguards.
And he's like, yeah, CPR is bullshit.
He goes, they're all bullshit, actually.
The only thing that matters is the all clear ca-junk.
And I go, what about the uh, uh, uh, uh, stayin' alive, stayin' alive, uh, uh?
He goes, that's like an iron lung.
So what you're doing is the heart's dead.
You're pumping the blood.
You're faking the heart into pumping the blood.
Yeah.
Like an iron lung.
You're not keeping, you're not helping her live per se.
You're just pumping, you're fake pumping the blood.
He goes CPR unless they're drowning and you're trying to get them to barf and like breathe.
95% of what you breathe out is carbon dioxide.
So you're only breathing a little bit of oxygen into them.
So CPR is gay.
He goes, do that until EMT gets there and then they spark it and she might be saved.
But he goes, you're also banking on the fact that she died like one second before you got there.
Right.
He's like, think of drowning.
If you showed up two minutes after someone was lying at the bottom of the pool, are you helping?
Hey, I brought her back.
Her brain's only been dead for two entire minutes.
So anyway, that's going through my head and I go in the hallway and there's Mike with his fucking gigantic pitbull that has like a full body brace.
It's so strong.
And I'm like, what's going on?
And he goes, Oh, she's in that door.
Oh, I got the wrong door.
Thanks.
Thank you.
So then I get to her door and I hear, I don't know if she's gonna like him or not, because they've been dating for ten years!
She's got, like, The Bachelor on.
Eleven.
It's shaking the door.
So I go, well, she's clearly alive.
So I open the door.
This is shaking, screaming.
And I go, can you turn it down?! !
So she's like, what, oh!
Her blind chihuahua is going, oh, oh, oh!
And Mike's pit bull is like, spitting out phlegm onto the floor.
I'm like, dude, your pit bull's about to eat that blind chihuahua.
You should just get out of here.
And then her with her cockeyed fucking doctor from Futurama face is like, Gavin, what are you doing here?
I go, Syl, you said you're dying.
And she goes, I am!
To see what happens on The Bachelor!
I go, well we're all dying, technically.
Babies are dying the day they're born.
But I had assumed when you texted me and said you're dying and then didn't answer any other texts, um, that you were dying within the next 10 minutes.
If you're dying within the next year or two, no need to send me an emergency text.
I'll be at your funeral.
So, Then she calls me tonight.
I knew Matty wasn't going to be here, he's on his road trip, but I thought it would be cool if we could get... Hey ladies!
Play the interstitial.
Oh, okay.
We could have Sylvia and Linda on the couch.
Wouldn't that be awesome?
Hey ladies!
Did you know that I never did?
Hey ladies!
And he's a retard.
He's a reaper?
Is this in a foreign country?
Israel?
He's a reaper?
Yeah he's a reaper.
We could have had that.
I thought that would be great.
So I was calling them incessantly and that's how I got Linda being like, I hear you're calling me a lot I can't work tonight.
Work?
Work?
And Sylvia goes, last night I told you I was dying you show up you didn't even offer me a glass of water or nothing!
First of all, it's your apartment you go get your own fucking water.
You're watching reality TV.
You're fine You're not even lying in bed.
You're sitting on your bed So it would have been weird if I was like hi.
Oh, you're alive.
Can I get you a glass of water?
Anyway What a pile of shit.
So we didn't get our ladies tonight.
Let's start to think about wrapping it up as far as the freeloaders go.
And let's, I guess, open the mail.
It's thanks for calling in the mailbag.
So let's do the thanks for calling interstitial.
I just like that song.
That's a fun one.
It's a beautiful song.
We don't get to hit it as much.
Reminds me of Norah's article.
You are on air.
Um, you have a conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You want me to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You have one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It was great hearing from you.
Bye bye!
Alright, next call.
Bye bye!
Home to mommy!
That's true.
Back to mommy's basement.
She probably likes me.
Let's start taking calls.
Put the number down there, Ryan.
And then at the same time, we can start looking at letters we've received to the show.
We receive about... Correct.
I would say 50 to 100 a day.
And so now we're going to ask people if they're 100% sure that the Earth is not flat.
And I think we'll be kind of surprised.
I don't really want to talk about that.
We won't talk about it.
We won't get into it.
We'll just see.
No, it's retarded.
Why did you come up with that plan?
Because we brought up David Weiss.
Do you think the Earth is flat?
I'm not sold on that.
I like listening to videos about it.
I like to consider... No one asked that, Ryan.
So you think the Earth is flat?
No, I don't.
I'm not certain of anything.
You're not certain the Earth is a sphere?
Correct.
I don't believe shit from nobody.
Can you believe what I work with here, folks?
Yeah, I don't believe shit.
No wonder he has a rat on his head mowing the lawn with a broken toy lawnmower.
Dear Gavin, Ryguy and Maddie, unfortunately Maddie's not here in this video at 8.
Jeremy, who you'll recognize shortly, talks about how he read this business book called The One Thing, which talks about how you need to find the one thing you can do to make everything else in your life easier.
I would say being honest.
That would be my one thing.
If any of you guess what the one thing Jeremy decided on is, I'll give you $100.
He eventually gives the answer at $920, going on a separate tangent.
Okay.
So, uh, let's click on that.
This is right.
You're a fan of this guy, right?
I'm trying to get Maddie on here.
Let's see.
Um, I'm in mailbag and this is called Genesis Briar Porridge.
What are you talking about?
This is called Jeremy fragrance bet.
So yeah, Jeremy's not that similar.
Not so similar at nine minutes in.
Okay.
How are we doing?
Okay.
Long pause.
Not great for TV.
Here we go.
Okay, buffering, loading, we have a 56k modem.
But you know what?
I said at some point, fuck it, I will read this stuff.
And the first business book I read was The One Thing.
Meaning, the message of this book is, what is the one thing you can do to make everything else easier?
And I read tons and tons of other business books, which I think suck, because I don't want to know how to manipulate people.
I don't want to know that people give me more attention when I repeat their name, always at the end of the sentence, like, uh-huh, is that right, Steve?
So we make a good deal for you, Steve.
This is how we do it for you, Steve.
And I said, this is fucked up manipulation shit.
This is like the snake that manipulated Eva in the Bible.
We don't do that shit.
And however, I got very successful, like most human beings, when you use certain techniques to not trick people but to me.
And I'm very, very, very aggressive with my own self and the honesty.
I feel ashamed if I use techniques And women should be ashamed and men should be ashamed if they use techniques.
All right.
Let's keep it cool.
Let's continue what's going on.
Wait a minute.
Hold on a sec.
We've been making fun of this guy for a very long time.
Unless he is conceding that despite his instincts he does use techniques that was pretty great.
Like that was awesome to say I don't want to repeat their name.
I've always hated and I feel the same way.
I've always hated all those sales tactics and you can see them when they happen.
When I interview people they'll say my name.
Well I'm glad you asked that Gavin.
They always do it on Tucker too.
Thanks for asking Tucker.
Tucker what we're doing here Stop saying the guy's name.
It's such an obvious ploy.
But I was worried he would concede that he does use those techniques.
But using techniques is for facts.
Don't do it.
Right, Ryan?
Yes.
Uh-oh.
There's a Mets game going on.
I think we're losing.
Can you check in on that?
What are you doing right now?
So go to 920 and see what he admitted was his thingamadoodle.
Okay.
Okay, it's 2-2 with the Braves right now.
The one thing that I decided to do, I'm not going to wear underwear.
How did that stupid thing happen?
Well, long story.
First of all I had stuff doing in the gay community where I didn't wear underwear because it was convenient and sexual shit.
Oh he's a fag?
I had sex with a woman in New York City and I showered but I didn't want to put on the same underwear after I showered so I just on my suit Put on no underwear.
And I said, you know what?
That's actually funny.
On my suit, I put on no underwear.
No, you don't put on no underwear.
But you're going to get a little drop.
No matter how you shake your peg, the last wee drop runs down your leg.
No, but I'm not wearing underwear.
Therefore, I'm totally calm in this situation because they have no idea what's going on.
So I'm literally cool.
You could say I'm a whore.
I'm an asshole.
I'm a rapist.
Point a gun to me.
I said, yeah, all right.
This guy's a bit aggressive.
You keep it totally cool because it's like the same thing that people in front of you are naked or... Okay, shut up.
We've had enough of this.
Shut up, retard.
What a moron.
He's a himbo.
Can we take some calls?
Are there any calls there?
Yes.
I got Matty on my phone, but not on the computer here.
Okay.
Put your phone up to the thing.
Here we go in three, two, one.
Matty, why did you abandon us?
Because I wanted to come see this beautiful sunset in Indiana.
Is it worth it?
Do you regret your move?
No, I mean, you know, I get my throttle therapy out there on the road.
Dude, that sunset looks fake.
The sunset, it looks fake.
Oh, you got the blur on.
I want to let you know that I got the email from HR and I have to go to sensitivity training now because I grabbed Ryan's ass.
Yeah, I'm glad we could do that through formal procedures and not have to discuss it with each other face to face.
I just hope I don't have to draw pictures.
Dude, is that a real fucking sunset?
It looks fake.
No, it's real.
It looks like fake clouds and...
A Shell station and a Burger King and some kind of diner.
And what would you say was the average velocity of your trip so far?
Yeah, that's the real sunset.
It's beautiful.
What was your average velocity this drive?
Um, I got on the road at 5.07 this morning and I was in Indianapolis at 5 o'clock.
So it was 12 hours total, but you know, I stopped for lunch.
So that was probably like 40 minutes and then gas stops every 125 miles.
But I put in, uh, 660 miles today.
And how fast were you going?
90?
Um, my top speed today was 114 and the average was like 78, 79.
Well, I'm just going to assume that's the bike.
Cause if I was on my bike that fast, I'd be bald.
We have a saying, if you're not doing 90, you ain't moving.
Alright man, well have fun.
And if you're going to fornicate, use a condom.
I'll be back next week.
You know?
Wait, what?
I'll be there next Thursday.
I don't know, are you going to be around next week?
Uh, no.
Well, we'll see.
Alright.
Yeah, I'll see you when I get back.
I'll be back Tuesday.
Alright buddy, Alex is more than a friend.
What kind of shirt are you wearing right there?
What happens in Vegas?
What happened in Vegas?
Righteous.
I'm putting it out there.
I'm asking people.
And we got one of these shirts for you too when you come back.
Uh oh, we in this shirt?
Yeah, well look, we got the hi-viz.
Oh, they came in finally.
They came in.
Nice!
Alright, well I'm gonna go grab some roast beef sandwiches from Arby's because it's holding junk food around.
And I'm going to go finish watching the show.
I'll see you guys on Tuesday.
Love you guys.
Be safe.
All you baby monsters.
Anybody that's in Indianapolis, Indiana or Arkansas, let me know.
Peace!
Did you see that thing that Jordan Peterson said?
No.
It's in the mailbag where he's like, don't let the baby monsters under the carpet.
Oh yeah.
Clean your room.
And if you let the baby monsters dominate, it's going to be a problem.
Up yours, woke leftists!
We'll see who cancels who!
We'll see who's the baby monster!
Don't hide baby monsters under the carpet.
They will flourish.
They will grow large in the dark.
Then, when you least expect it, they will jump out and devour you.
Come on, like is that just a coinkydink?
I've never heard anyone in the world to use the term baby monster.
Samesies.
Leah Romini is so fucking hot I'd arm and crawl five miles through explosive men's skin diarrhea just to get a whiff.
I might meet her next month.
No.
I know one of her childhood friends.
What the fuck?
I have two questions for her.
One, why was the writing on King of Queens so high caliber?
It's a stupid mainstream American comedy show.
It was written like beyond Monty Python levels of brilliance.
The second question, does it start with, can I squeeze?
Second question is, so you're surrounded with like tough, cool chicks from the Bronx.
That's where you grew up.
Puerto Ricans and Italians and everything.
People around this studio now.
Um, when you would talk about full clarity and you're achieving this level, they must've sort of been going, Yeah, okay.
Best of luck.
Like, it must have been fucking awkward.
And then when you came out of the Scientology closet and went, what the fuck was I doing?
They must have been going, yeah, thank God.
That shit you were talking about was embarrassing.
Well, not only Puerto Ricans and stuff like that, they do tarot cards and crystals and shit.
So they might be like, oh, that's bogged out.
I believe it.
Clarity?
We got a 4-6-3.
You know what we should do tomorrow?
What's up?
We should do 10 things about Puerto Ricans.
Oh.
Just break it down.
The 10 most substantial things we've learned, or I've learned, you can interject because you're more involved being Puerto Rican yourself, about Puerto Ricans.
Nice.
Huepa!
What does that mean?
I don't know, it's like, hey, let's go.
Do I hear someone on the line clicking around?
It's basically the Puerto Rican, let's fucking go.
Who's there?
Hello?
463, you're on the Lee.
Hello?
Oh, you got a, is your mic on?
Yeah, it is.
Yeah, it's on.
I just talked to Matty.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wait, no, wait, that was just through my phone, though.
To be fair.
Hello?
If you're gay, say nothing.
He has been on the line for like a minute, so he might not know that we're talking to him right now.
Hello!
I'll put him on mute.
Oh, you're there?
Speak, sir.
Or forever hold your piss.
Alright, he's in trouble.
We're gonna hang up on him.
We don't have time for this.
We got Kevin.
Oh.
Hi Kevin, you sound like a chick.
Yeah, you do.
Guys, if I'm on the line, you gotta answer me.
Uh, we're answering you.
Can you hear me?
Ryan's probably fucking up again.
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Check, check, check.
I think our other people speak.
Ryan, she can't hear me.
Come on.
Hello!
Hello!
I don't know if that helps.
I'm just gonna... Hold on.
Hold on.
I'm gonna start over this call.
Gavin you don't you don't need to do that anymore That's not See what oh, we'll wait for me to connect and then you could scream hello Hello host you are now in the host room and can manage your callers from the call-in studio web interface Can I see the moon during the day Uh-oh, we got a flat earther.
Okay.
Why can she see the moon during the day?
Flat earther.
Incoming.
Why can you see the moon during the day?
Like, this is the problem with arguing with you people.
So, it's not possible that I could be sitting on the earth and have an angle wherein I could see the moon?
We don't know.
Hello?
She said, oh, she, like, she tapped out after that.
Oh, that's just like her slam dunk.
Yep.
463?
Yeah, 463, you're on the lead.
Yeah, the lines are all acting weird, but I'm from Indianapolis.
Cool.
What's your thing?
I want to say that...
That's a good point.
A lot of guys, now that I talked about doing the 10 funniest shows of all time, I'm getting a lot of people pushing Whitest Kids You Know.
Thanks for calling That's a good point A lot of guys Now that I talked about doing the 10 funniest shows of all time I'm getting a lot of people Pushing Whitest Kids You Know Yeah Not feeling it They were impactful for that generation.
Sure.
Great.
Maybe I'm too old.
I know one of the guys.
Like, I hung out with those dudes.
Yeah.
And they sent us a bunch of 40s and a VHS tape in 2001, I'd say.
Nice.
So I was into those dudes before anybody.
I don't know.
Dude, that Tartos bit.
The sketches seemed quite good.
But, like, I'm talking about the best in the world.
You're up against Monty Python.
And I know Jordan Peele you're like well fuck it those guys are just as funny, but yeah For better for worse Jordan Peele had a billion dollars for every sketch.
They were all perfect anyway Tartos is the funniest thing I've ever seen Thank you I mean, I've never seen anything like it.
Well.
It's about an invisible dog and might I say there's your title I Oh, uh, excuse me, uh, what is this?
Uh, this is tart toast.
Oh, thank you.
What the?
Hey, buddy!
What the hell, man?
What?
What do you mean, what?
What the hell is this?
It's tar toast.
I just said that.
This is not edible.
No, it's tar on toast.
What, did you eat it?
Yeah, I ate it.
You served it to me.
Whoa, I served it to you?
Yeah.
Is that like street tar?
Yeah, it's like street tar.
Why did you eat it?
Because you told me to!
What is wrong with you, man?
You asked me what this was, I said it was Tart Toast, and then you put it in your mouth and ate it.
Tart Toast.
And the other thing they keep pushing on us is Always Sunny, which I'm like, no.
Yeah, I can't get into Owe Sunny.
And I know it's funny.
It's just corny.
The fact that I know it's funny kind of ruins it for me.
Yeah.
Is that gay?
I don't know.
859, you're on the line.
It's like Kirby enthusiasm, you can imagine it being true.
Sunny is like so obviously fake.
It's just a silly world.
Yeah.
It's like crack.
We get it.
Crack is wild.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Hello?
Hey, Gavin.
I just want to say thank you for inspiring me to have my first kid.
Me and my old lady, we just had our first son.
And when he was born, he actually didn't have any eyelids.
And we were really freaked out about it.
But we had a great doctor, a great surgeon, and they actually took care of his eyelids when they did his circumcision.
And he's a little cockeyed now, but he's doing great.
Thank you, Time Machine Man, for the oldest joke that's ever been said on this show.
Congratulations.
Did you actually have a kid?
By the way, speaking of kids, the woman who did our tats, this one, this one, and this one, and this one, just had her baby.
We're showing the pic?
Showing the pic.
Lauren Dowdy's got a little gal.
Look at her.
A little munchkin, a little blob, a little shrumpy little kid just lying on you.
You went through a pretty harrowing experience.
It's all over now.
Nine months of waiting for this experience.
Then you go through tough mutter.
You're basically passing gallstones while being punched in the head.
The worst sparring.
You're sparring Mike Tyson, basically.
Go back, dude.
Then you finally finish it.
And the reward is a little tiny human.
Yep.
I don't mean to get all Joe Biden on your ass, but you got a little human being there lying on you.
And it's not any human being.
It's a human being you just made.
Now, as a dad, you see that and you go, that's fucking awesome.
Holy shit, I'm so lucky.
I can't believe all this worked out.
What was I waiting so long for?
You touch them, you touch the baby, you touch your wife, and it's amazing.
It's inexplicably wonderful, but it's from afar, in a sense.
What she's experiencing is men will never know.
And this is what I hate about the whole trans movement.
What Lauren is experiencing right now is so beyond her husband, me, the doctors, like it's another universe.
Her and her daughter right now are in outer space.
They're time traveling, they're in another dimension.
They're experiencing, I might even tear up just talking about it.
They're experiencing shit that is more intense than we could ever fathom.
And it's an honor just to be in the room with them.
You're like, you're watching someone time travel and go into another dimension and experience this outer space shit.
This magical shit.
They're basically at one with God.
And we're just like, I'm happy I'm here.
But what you must be going through is something else.
And hey, Trannies.
Hey, Parker Malloy.
Hey, Caitlyn Jenner.
Hey, you pathetic phonies.
Who's the one in Vancouver who always fights journalists?
Jessica Yaniv.
You're not part of this, my friend.
Sorry.
What you're experiencing is a pale imitation of the reality of womanhood.
No, that doesn't mean you're a trans-exclusionary radical feminist.
It means that this picture should prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that you can never accrue womanhood.
Anyway, let's go behind the paywall now.
Goodbye, cheapskates.
I really think you should sign up for Censored.TV.
No one pays for it besides you.
True.
So when you see this shit, you're getting my honest opinion and our honest opinions of what's going on in the news, but Bill Gates didn't pay for us to talk about climate change.
So it's pretty rare in this day and age you can see cultural commentary that is totally unbiased.
And I'm often wrong.
People will mail in and go, that wasn't true, that thing you saw was a meme, blah, blah, blah.
We correct those things too.
We're all learning together.
This is not an agenda.
Which is remarkably rare.
All journalists and mainstream media are political activists now.
They work at a PR firm.
And we've seen that with the death of the internet.
And how they're burning books on it.
On a daily basis.
Anyway, we're going to keep taking calls.
We're going to keep doing the live chats.
We're going to talk to you people.
But I only want to talk to the people that are willing to pay a beer and a half a month.
to see this show.
The rest of you can go fuck yourselves.
So get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
We'll be back in 20 seconds.
Ryan Katsu Rivera says, did you hear what the news is saying about the bird Which is the bald eagle.
The bird, which is the bald eagle.
The bird, which is the bald eagle.
How's the bird, which is the bald eagle?
It sounds cool when you say the bird, which is the bald eagle. - We start the final line.
The bird which is the bald eagle.
What are you talking about?
The bird which is the bald eagle.
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