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Aug. 19, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:34:02

S4E156 - 10 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT PUERTO RICANS

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Time	Text
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My One with Kevin McGuinness.
	That was the Future Heads.
	Stupid and shallow.
	They're from Northern England.
	One of the only accents I cannot even almost do.
	The Northern English.
	I'm not serving you any more beers till you get them bloody cows out.
	Oi.
	Reminded of my old man when I had a place upstate.
	He goes, you know, one of my friends from Florida actually lives near here in Shihola, Pennsylvania.
	He owns a barbershop.
	That's just down the street.
	Isn't that incredible?
	And I go, no, it's not really incredible or interesting.
	I don't really care where your friends have barbershops.
	And he goes, yes.
	That's because your friends are in media and they tend to be stupid and shallow.
	Apparently it's an expression.
	Stupid and shallow.
	A lot of variety of backgrounds there.
	Let's just dive into some fun stuff here.
	We've got a lot to talk about today.
	I want to get into 10 things I've noticed about Puerto Ricans.
	Very few of them come from working with Ryan, by the way.
	He seems to notice Puerto Ricans from afar, despite being one.
	But most of the things I've learned about them comes from living among them.
	Anyway, we'll get to that.
	I saw a good mimic on TikTok.
	Now, you're the expert on imitations, Ryan.
	What do you think of this guy's style?
	You better than him or worse?
	Let's see.
	Rub and tug, bro.
	Keeps going.
	Far as I can tell, the only prescription I write in here is a rub and tug, bro.
	Keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going.
	Right.
	You text me.
	I text you.
	I wait to text you after you text me.
	You call me after I call you.
	See, three, four, eight months on the line now.
	Do I take Blue Cross?
	It's cash only.
	Just wait till Christmas.
	This is a gay one.
	Your heart's gonna go three shages, I promise.
	Sigmund Freud once said the mind, like an iceberg, it's one-seventh of its bulk, is only above water.
	So today, we're going to redirect your Titanic of trauma.
	I'm a man of simple taste.
	The things he chose are gay.
	Pros are Joker and Grinch?
	Maybe some oxy.
	Believe it or not, it's not the medication.
	Oh, he did occasion.
	Some oxy.
	Believe it or not, it's not the medication.
	Just stay away from the rice.
	Six months ago, you came in here.
	That's an obscure one.
	Yeah, I've never heard that before.
	You leave here a new man.
	Truly, a remarkable Cinderella story.
	Yeah, there's a bunch of impressive ones in there.
	Like Johnny Drama, it's okay.
	The Vince Vaughan is pretty impressive, too.
	It's good what he came up with to do, Vince Vaughan.
	Okay, so are you better than him or worse?
	I think he's got some advantages over me, and I think I got a couple of things over him.
	Like for his, so what's the total?
	I think he's a better person.
	Oh, I'm a better person for sure.
	That guy he wouldn't like.
	Really, does he have his fucking hair in his eyes like a 13-year-old girl at the mall?
	No, but his...
	Get your hair out of your eyes, dude.
	It's embarrassing.
	It's bad for the brand.
	You know what?
	I'm punk, and you're an old codger.
	Get your hair out of your eyes.
	No, no, no.
	You're not young, dude.
	You're a 32-year-old dad.
	How old are you?
	I'm rock and roll, man.
	No.
	No, dads are not rock and roll by definition.
	Rock and roll.
	Wait, that's the only time I've seen a defense dig a guy about 100 feet deeper into the hole.
	Okay, check out this Trump and tell me if it's better than your Trump.
	Okay.
	You're stupid and shallow.
	Wait, sorry, I talked over it.
	You need the very beginning for this.
	And you have nasty Joe Rogan.
	He called me a man baby, which is so ironic because look at the guy.
	He's about 4'9.
	He's as bald as they come.
	He looks like an oversized baby himself.
	He looks like a baby injected with steroids.
	Some people, they call him Baldilocks.
	He's so bald, we've never seen anyone as bald as him.
	He looks like a New York City sewer rat shaved down that bench presses a lot of weights.
	I'll tell you that much.
	But not that much, because he's a tiny little dwarf.
	He looks like the thing, but like an action figure of the thing from Fantastic Four.
	What a shame.
	And you have nasty.
	He's good.
	Is that Trump better than your Trump?
	I don't know.
	Yet again, it's like everybody who does Trump has a thing that brings them closer to Trump.
	And then also they got things that aren't as close.
	Like they're a little, really little nuanced things.
	With him, I think his baseline voice, like the structure in which he does the voice, is a little too high to be Trump.
	It's a little higher.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, mine is lower.
	It's like, Frankly, really, if you look at the numbers, you're a little lower when you start off, right?
	And I haven't even really gotten ready, right?
	But really, he's got a lot of great...
	We have Kimberly Gilfall in the notes today, and I noticed she says right now.
	Right?
	Right?
	Really?
	Yeah, really?
	Nice.
	Right.
	Yeah, but there's things that he doesn't know.
	So that guy that you did the thing with that got you banned when you did, he said China's making their own trumpet.
	Jason Scoop, yeah.
	Jason Scoop?
	Jason Scoop, yeah.
	Is his better than yours?
	I admire a lot of things about his, but I don't think his is that accurate.
	I think his is funnier, and I think his mannerisms are 100% better than mine.
	I've even stolen mannerisms from him and told him, and I always, I gave him credit early on the show.
	I would say Jason Scoop like all the time.
	And now I just take him another mine, right?
	But really, he does a lot of good mouth stuff and a lot of good standing.
	Like him standing as Trump is Trump.
	He goes like this.
	He goes, Wow.
	Yeah.
	He does have a broken neck.
	Wow.
	What the fuck are you wearing?
	What's herbal tea?
	This is Sam Hyde shirt.
	Looks ridiculous.
	It's hilarious.
	It's like a Chinese herbal shirt.
	Speaking of fat asses, I've noticed that baseball is very Hispanic.
	In fact, I often wonder, what language do they speak on the bus?
	If they're going to, say, I don't know, Jersey or something, and it's a bus trip, or maybe Boston, you might take the bus.
	Because by the time you get through, not customers, but by the time you get to the airport and everything, it's about four hours.
	What language do they speak?
	I'd love to be in the dugout and hear them talk, because I bet Spanish is at least 50% of the language spoken.
	Anyway, you look at the Mets' bums, and they've always had gigantic asses.
	And I noticed you have a gigantic booty.
	You're very thick.
	True.
	And I was looking at these Mexicans dancing, and I'm like, what the fuck's going on with these guys as his ass?
	Look at that delicious booty.
	Is that a joke?
	Yeah, that's crazy.
	A, is that a joke?
	And B, if it's not, like, if this was in the white world, you would call him Johnny Ass Cheeks, and you'd relentlessly make fun of him and joke about how thick it would be the bane of his existence.
	He'd never tuck his shirt in ever.
	Did they write the caption?
	What caption?
	What did you noticed?
	Oh, wait.
	I don't see a caption.
	There we go.
	What did you noticed?
	Yeah, that's grind face.
	I noticed that you let the guys in the video write the.
	And then this bitch, this has got to be fake.
	I think they wear special leggings.
	Like, you've seen, you know, when you see Drag Queen Story Hour and the Drag Queen has a nice ass?
	It's because it's synthetic.
	I think this is that, right?
	Yeah, wait, what the fuck?
	Wait till she turns around.
	What?
	Nice culture, dummies.
	Your culture sucks.
	And then final bit of random news.
	Fred Phelps says that God hates fags.
	And if that is true, he holds a particular part of hate in his heart for German fags.
	Monkeypox patient's nose is rotting after being dismissed December.
	Now that video, of course, is only tangentially related.
	This is a woman saying it's not just gay men.
	Women can get it too.
	And she says it had nothing to do with sex.
	Bullshit.
	You were eating ass from a guy who probably fucks dudes, and you got monkeypox.
	So bye-bye.
	Home to mommy.
	But this 40-year-old German go down?
	And then again?
	This is end of time.
	No, get her out of my life.
	Sorry to laugh, but wow.
	God really does not approve of ass eating, relentless anal bashing.
	I guess I'm anal sex bashing here.
	And having 13 partners a day.
	Look at that guy.
	I like how they just have to black out two eyes and you don't have to ever worry about him being recognized.
	And they also noticed his syphilis had developed into mental illness levels like Al Pacino.
	And his HIV had sprung into action and had become AIDS.
	Hey, gays, I know you're not going to change your lifestyle.
	I'm not going to demand that here.
	But in upstate New York, where Ryan used to live, they just get checked for Lyme disease every year.
	Ryan didn't bother, and he has Lyme.
	And it's not Lymes, it's Lyme.
	They just do it every year.
	It's just a part of your natural rigamarole is checking for Lyme.
	Similarly, gaze every six months, you should get tested for everything, syphilis, HIV, monkeypox, everything.
	I'm positive that you're positive.
	Go to a confession booth.
	You know, just do all the stops once a month.
	All right, let's start the show.
	You better have that monster truck ready.
	Oh, it's ready to go.
	Come from here.
	It's ready to rock, ready to roll in a way that you've never sold.
	Let's start the show.
	We're ready to rock.
	No more silly news pieces.
	Now it's all big bubble framed things that have a point.
	But here we go.
	Okay, so let's start it.
	Beautiful, beautiful birds.
	Bye-bye.
	Stop the show.
	You know, I find it helps to cross my eyes.
	Oh, because now you can see kind of whatever.
	It's blurrier and it's less stressful.
	Ooh, I don't feel too good from the Cubans.
	I'm doing an experiment.
	I think I told you this, right?
	Where I eat rotten food every day from this disgusting food cart in the South Bronx.
	And I always have explosive diarrhea after, but I'm building up my immune system.
	Genius.
	You know how in India they can just walk through shit rivers?
	Yeah.
	If we went to India, we would both be crippled no matter what we touched, bottled water, everything.
	We would both be incapacitated for 24 hours, no matter what we did if we went to India.
	My dad went to Egypt with a Scottish stomach, and he said, I'll just be right back.
	I'm off to the Lou.
	And then at breakfast, he shows up, and they go, you said you'd be right back, Jim.
	He goes, this is me right back.
	I've been sleeping, vomiting, and explosive diarrhea-ing in the same stall for nine hours.
	Congratulations.
	Taking the occasional nap on the bog roll.
	All right, I want to talk about media malpractice.
	Have we got a background for that?
	Yeah, we do.
	We do have fake news.
	Do we have an interstitial?
	I don't think.
	Do we?
	I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking.
	I so rarely cover this.
	Daily Beast.
	I even feel bad shitting on the Daily Beast because I don't want to put it in my repertoire.
	Like Huffington Post, it feels bad to even accept these people as existing because they're such pathetic, weak losers who have no other goal but to sabotage American culture, destroy the West.
	That's all they care about.
	I don't think so.
	And they're funded by billionaires like Soros and Bill Gates.
	And they write whatever they're told to write.
	And the billionaires, I don't know, I think they want to get pussy.
	So they hate masculine men because I guess girls like it when you say that.
	Or at least they're girls.
	So they shit on Trump and promote climate change, whatever.
	And of course, truth gets in the way of this.
	So the problem with truth, did you find the interstitial?
	No, there's no one.
	Okay.
	The problem with an entire existence based on lies is that was a fart.
	99% sure.
	The truth gets in the way.
	So what they, and when I say they, in this case, it's pretty ambiguous because I think there's leftist influence, there's the deep state, there's the DNC, there's the elites.
	But there's also these fat, ugly tech nerds that just hate us because they ain't us.
	And I think they do a lot of censorship just on their own.
	Like, look at Wikipedia editors.
	The way they write about Antifa and they write about Proud Boys.
	There's no big money telling them to do that.
	They're just assholes.
	So I don't know who's behind this and I don't quite understand it, but I discussed it briefly yesterday.
	I just want to show it here because we tend to show more background stuff than compound media does.
	And I want you to see the link to Zero.
	This guy, he first, his first video, he goes, check this out.
	You look up something and after a few pages, there's no more results, even though it told you there was billions of results.
	In the second video, and I need you to zoom out for this, so we can see the name and you can look it up on your own.
	It's too long to cover here.
	Yes, they really are deleting the internet and it's way worse than you think.
	And that's Brian Bright Insight.
	Okay, so he looked up Jan 6.
	He goes through a bunch of pages, and then he notices not only are those way less pages than they should be for 7 billion results, but I keep seeing the same three articles again and again.
	There's this one article, ex-police officer gets seven years, which by the way is fucking insane.
	That comes up on every single page of results.
	And every single page has the Jan 6 Wikipedia at the top, which you don't need more than once.
	I already saw that on page one, thanks.
	But just play it briefly.
	Because you're going to see very quickly the same thing over and over and over again.
	Look at this.
	Mar-a-Largo.
	Sorry, it keeps highlighting everything.
	But look at this here.
	Keep watching.
	After Mar-a-Lago users, blah, blah, blah, from NBC News.
	So that's page 13.
	Let's go to page 15.
	Again, Wikipedia.
	Go down.
	Same article right here.
	X officer gets seven years.
	NBC News, Mar-a-Lago Golf Course, blah, blah, blah.
	The same one.
	NBC News, After Mar-a-Lago, blah, blah, blah.
	Go to page 17.
	I've also noticed there's this incredible leftist bias.
	Those same articles are showing.
	It's not a Breitbart article.
	It's not Daily Wire.
	It's not National Review.
	It's never even Fox News.
	It's always CBS, CNN.
	Are you sipping away at drinks again?
	I took a sip.
	Can we not feed ourselves?
	I'm getting so many complaints about you stuffing your face.
	I'm off mic.
	During the show.
	Okay, go to our real search.
	I think we use Brave, right?
	Yeah.
	But everyone ultimately uses Google.
	DuckDuckGo is only a little better, but it's got the exact same problem.
	They did some stuff about Ukraine that was pretty sus.
	Who did?
	DuckDuckGo.
	Oh, really?
	Yeah, I think a start page is the one that we're told to use.
	Okay, put in just Proud Boys in the search.
	Wait, don't...
	Brian, hold on here.
	Use the ones we're talking about.
	We're not talking about Start Page.
	We're using Google.
	Start page may be a cure for the problem, but we're trying to illuminate the problem.
	Okay, here's Google Proud Boys.
	Okay, so hit it.
	So move over there so I can see it.
	Wikipedia, of course, wins, and Wikipedia is already biased.
	Business Insider left.
	Sacramento B is not left, right?
	Go up.
	Proud Boy files to run for Sacramento Area School Board.
	The GOP isn't supporting him.
	That doesn't sound good or bad.
	Go back.
	What's that?
	For responsibility?
	Citizens for responsibility.
	I don't trust that.
	Posed a threat.
	Why do some boys dress up like Antifa?
	That's not true.
	Then we get the Southern Poverty Law Center.
	Totally biased.
	Wikipedia, ADL, all biased.
	Proud Boys Crimes and Characteristics.
	Some lefty academic study.
	ACLED, I don't know what that is.
	AP, leftist.
	Justice.gov, these are the people throwing them in jail.
	Pride and Prejudice, the violent evolution.
	And then we got the CNN one that we've already got already, right?
	Slate.
	The B one.
	Independent in Britain.
	Wall Street Journal.
	USA Today.
	Wall Street Journal's not that bad.
	Washington Post, bad.
	Rolling Stone, unbelievably bad.
	Another academic study.
	You seeing a pattern here?
	Like, where's Breitbart?
	New York Senate, NPR, NPR.
	Like, I'm at the point now where if I'm looking up anything, the history of shoes, I just ignore the first four pages because it's all this shit.
	Politico, Business Insider, New York Times, of course, Instagram.com.
	Citizens for Ethics.
	And we've already covered Citizens for Ethics.
	See, we're already repeating stuff and we're on page three, the Guardian Newsweek, not News Max.
	There has not been one right-wing site so far.
	What page are you on now?
	Four?
	Five.
	Page five, not one right-wing site.
	Like, it should be.
	I don't know what influence watch is.
	Hey, there's me.
	Keep going.
	Like, isn't it weird?
	I understand there's going to be lefty sites.
	It's going to be USA Today and Huffington Post and The Independent and The Guardian and all that shit.
	But why do they get the first whatever five, six?
	I think they get all pages.
	Do me a favor, go to page 15.
	Al Jazeera.
	Yeah, I wonder what Al Jazeera thinks of us Islamophobes.
	Prowboys in the white ethnostate.
	Wait, you're moving too fast.
	I can't read any of these.
	I'm not 15 yet.
	I'm on 10.
	Okay.
	So.
	It looks like 13 is the last page.
	So go to the top.
	What the fuck have the Prowboys got to do with Ann Frank?
	How can Republicans support Trump?
	Yeah, so it's zero right-wing sources.
	Custer?
	Yeah, we're related to General Custer?
	Skip ahead to 2-4 just for a second here.
	So we discover that Bill Gates donated, what was it, $14 million to The Guardian and all these other lefty sites?
	$13 million to The Atlantic and The Guardian.
	Two of the worst offenders when it comes to left-wing bias.
	And what does that say?
	Let me show you.
	Oh, we've got climate-friendly diets can make a huge difference.
	Over at the, is that The Guardian?
	Plant-based meat by far the best climate investment.
	Report finds.
	Okay.
	Oh, the ethics of a vegan diet, says The Atlantic.
	Fascinating.
	Atlantic also wants you to know what's different about the Impossible Burger.
	That delicious plant-based burger that I think costs $5 million to research.
	Keep going.
	The most damaging farm products?
	Organic pasture-fed beef and lamb.
	Sounds like the government or China or some billionaires like Bill Gates should just buy up all the farms.
	Then they can grow soy and make sure we're not inundated with meat.
	How to be a good person without annoying everyone.
	Oh, here we go.
	There's a simple trick to provoking better behavior without seeming like a middle.
	What is that?
	Self-righteous jerk?
	Will we ever stop eating animal meat?
	Keep going?
	Animal meat.
	Animal meat?
	What other kind of meat is there?
	I guess they mean bug meat?
	Right.
	We saw them talking about cannibalism.
	You know, that's what's great about censored.tv, folks.
	You've already paid me.
	So we're clean.
	I'm not accepting.
	I have no Bill Gates.
	There's no one influencing this.
	You paid for this show.
	You got this show.
	With The Atlantic, you pay for that magazine, and then you get all the bullshit, all the baggage of whatever investor decided he has that agenda.
	There's no agendas here.
	It's just straight up what honest people think about what the fuck's going on in Clown World.
	12 reasons to eat bugs.
	I'm not eating the bugs.
	I'm not living in a pod.
	Should be a boot.
	And I'm not renting.
	I'm owning.
	The kids should see this.
	You know why kids are gross out by bugs?
	Because it's a genetic natural aversion because they're fucking gross.
	And this extends to shrimp and lobsters and all that other fucking crustaceans.
	I think they're disgusting.
	I saw what's his name?
	Stone Toss Comics mocking people for eating shrimps and I was like, my man.
	Many of us might find it icky.
	Oh, turn this up.
	Do we eat him too?
	In today's episode, let me explain the history behind our relationships with these crawling creatures and answer edible questions.
	Shave your beard and let's get you on the grill.
	Imagine you are enjoying the sweet taste of your favorite fruit.
	And as you take another bite, you are shocked to see that there is a woman.
	That's gross.
	At worst, it seems to be half eaten by you.
	So you panic and scream.
	Yeah, all very healthy natural instincts.
	Well, all I want to say is just relax.
	This is written so awkwardly.
	It sounds like an Indian, a Hindu has translated this into English.
	Nope.
	But you won't believe before humans had tools to harmonize.
	Oh, so we should admonish the most savage time in our species history?
	We should probably rape, too.
	Yeah, why don't we eat babies?
	Why don't we sacrifice virgins?
	We used to do that.
	They probably learned what was edible by observing the animals around them.
	Wiping your ass with your hand is actually pretty cool.
	Fucking...
	Fuck you.
	If somebody has property you want, by the way, let's go back in time and talk to that caveman.
	Hi, caveman.
	So you eat millipedes?
	Yeah, it fucking sucks.
	I hear you guys have like chocolate cake and T-bone steak.
	Yeah, they're super yummy.
	Well, can I come back with you?
	No, you have to stay here in hell.
	But we'll watch a cartoon of you.
	So this is the hot story going around yesterday and today.
	The entire government, with all of their infinite lawyers and their infinite IRS, their armed, now armed IRS, storms Mar-a-Lago, antagonizes everyone remotely surrounding Trump.
	They find a financial advisor.
	They go through his two cars, his Mercedes, his son's private school, and they notice unpaid taxes.
	Ergo, Trump should go to jail.
	Sound reasonable?
	Trump organization CFO, Alan Weiselberg, will be sentenced to five months in Rikers.
	That's not so bad.
	We know proudboys who have done that.
	And fined $2 million after pleading guilty to all 15 tax filings.
	And let's look at his crimes include charged with evading taxes on income, rent for a Manhattan apartment, lease payments for two Mercedes-Benz vehicles, and private school tuition for his grandchildren.
	If you guys outside of New York could hear the kind of fucking taxes we pay, I paid $60,000 this year in property tax.
	I know you don't believe me.
	I did.
	I'm not going to tell you what I paid for my income tax because I'm not going to get into how much I make, but it was well over twice the average American salary.
	Well, well over.
	So my property tax, which is education is linked to that, and my income tax is like if you got that as a salary, you'd be considered rich in most parts of America.
	So yeah, sorry he cut some corners.
	Let's sue him.
	Oh, this is a clip from the new Police Academy sequel that's coming out.
	It's a really funny comedy.
	Do they have the guy who makes the sound effects?
	So everyone is like, well, that's it then.
	From page of the New York Times, above the fold, we got him.
	His financial advisor, living in the highest tax bracket in America, didn't pay the millions upon millions that is expected of him on a regular basis.
	What a smoking gun.
	This is the Kimberly Guilfo thing I was talking about, where she says, right.
	They were there in Mar-a-Lago.
	They were able to see the documents.
	The president was complying and his team.
	And then they requested that additional security and locks be put on there, which the president also cooperated and complied with.
	So you tell me what basis in fact or law or reason did they have to break into that house at night, have 30 officers in there when they knew specifically the president wasn't going to be there, okay?
	And Joe Biden, Sleepy Joe, takes yet another vacation and disappears.
	Merrick Garland pretends like he doesn't know anything about it, then has to come out and say that he in fact did know.
	She's part Puerto Rican.
	I didn't know that.
	Yeah, Puerto Rican Irish.
	By the way, her eyes are up there.
	Where I don't see them.
	Just above her earrings.
	See where the printer is?
	Go up from there, not down.
	There's a printer?
	I see a Chiron.
	I'm from the corner of my eye.
	Go way up.
	The Chiron is the bottom third.
	We're looking for the top third.
	Okay, now I see everything.
	I see a background.
	I see hair, the guy's lapel.
	And then there's another story here where the Washington Post, I guess they haven't seen this story yet about the tax guy.
	And they're like, he's freaking out and he's trying to get a team together to defend himself because he knows Mar-a-Lago means he's fucked.
	It's really sad.
	The WAPO story that Trump is scrambling to add seasoned lawyers to the Mar-a-Lago Reed case is, as usual, this is Trump's take, fake news.
	I already have excellent experienced lawyers and I'm very happy with them, Trump said in an early morning post on Truth Social.
	Thank God for Truth Social.
	Without it, we would, well, you and I wouldn't fall for any of this shit.
	But without it, Middle America might fall for some of that bullshit.
	And every time he makes a statement on there, frankly, really, he's promoting the side, right?
	We love promoting this side.
	He does love censored.
	He loves censored.
	Go to jump ahead to 2-6.
	I thought this was the only time I've seen CNN do an honest segment with an interesting take, and it's the only time I've seen Kamala be articulate about anything.
	I mean, look, I'm going to be honest.
	It's really difficult to when you had it.
	If you don't gulp it down immediately, it starts to bend.
	And then, you know, the little thing catches it.
	And then, you know, so we got to kind of perfect that one a little bit more.
	So you d if it rely on.
	I mean, we got it.
	We got it.
	Yeah.
	It's a process, right?
	You don't just do it.
	It's a process.
	So she's admitting that she sucked dicks to get ahead.
	Yes.
	She gave a head to get ahead.
	Uh-oh, thank God for Newsweek.
	Apparently that's not real.
	Go to 2-7.
	Oh, what?
	What the heck?
	Thanks, Newsweek, for doing the deep dive on that.
	Oh, shit.
	Yeah.
	It's not real.
	Jamal Bauman isn't real either.
	He's a fucking commie who ruined Westchester.
	Doctored photos in the film are a regular source of misinformation, Boba.
	Is no new victim.
	It now appears that the interview with the Vice President Cena has been rather professionally...
	No, not professionally at all, by the way.
	You would have to have Down syndrome.
	You'd have to be Puerto Rican to think that was real.
	Can you imagine, Ryan?
	Frankly?
	Can you imagine being Puerto Rican?
	Well, first of all, my eyes are a little weird, right?
	I'm not even doing the impression good.
	The eyes are weird.
	The hair is shitty.
	I apologize.
	This is what it was actually from, just for the record, 2.5.
	Plastic straws are a big thing right now.
	Yeah.
	Do you ban plastic straws?
	I think we should.
	Yeah.
	I mean, look, I'm going to be honest.
	It's really difficult to drink out of a paper straw when you had, if you're just, like, if you don't gulp it down immediately, it starts to bend.
	And then, you know, the little thing catches it.
	You shouldn't even laugh.
	That's not funny.
	So we got to laugh.
	Yeah, paper straws are annoying.
	I think it's good to ban them, though.
	Where's the humor there?
	That one a little bit more.
	People who laugh at it.
	Paper straws could afford to be much better.
	I think we're all kind of annoyed by them right now, but that doesn't mean we give up on this environmental crusade to end plastic straws.
	It's not funny.
	Innovation is a process, right?
	You don't just do it.
	Innovation is a process.
	But looking at things like social media, the non-banned renegades on Twitter to get your news.
	And you hear things where you go, hey, where was this on Huffington Post?
	Where was this on MSNBC, CBS?
	Where was this on Fox even?
	2-8, good to hear.
	I'm getting my news from a fucking threat.
	Of course, you have to be dubious and verify everything, but I've looked into this and it looks legit.
	China is about to collapse.
	Because they have no feelings.
	I don't mean Asians in general.
	I mean Chinese, Chinese in China, that they have no qualms about cheating.
	I mean, they let a little boy die in a swimming pool, which is a video that's still haunting me.
	I wish I hadn't watched that.
	They'll run over a toddler and then reverse over her so she dies and they don't have to pay the hospital bills.
	In that kind of a culture, you come Up with a thing like real estate, and as we saw when the government got involved in real estate here with Fannie Mae, we had a major economic shutdown because the big government and the scam artists get together and they create a mess.
	And that's exactly what's going on in China now.
	Go to the next one, the next tweet in that thread.
	What happened?
	All this begins with one thing, real estate.
	Chinese are obsessed with real estate, and 70% of China's wealth is tied to real estate.
	Reports are now emerging about real estate Ponzi schemes, which we've been through.
	Fannie Mae.
	Was it Bernie Mac?
	Freddie Mac?
	Freddie Mac, Bernie Mae.
	Who were those two ones?
	Bernie's care to you, motherfuckers.
	I'm taking your mortgages.
	Maybe that's what he died of.
	He had too many trillions invested in real estate firms.
	Mortgage boycotts and an unfolding banking crisis.
	Keep going.
	Chinese citizens prefer to invest in real estate as the Chinese stock market is notoriously opaque and unreliable.
	Shanghai composite has not yet recovered from its 2008 peak, despite China's GDP growing by nearly three times since then.
	For some context on how crazy the real estate market is, the median home price in New York is around 10 times the median annual income, but in Beijing, it's 25 times.
	Interesting.
	See, like no journalist at any of these big logos behind me would ever bother looking into this.
	They're more concerned with Trump, Proud Boys, and white supremacy.
	Those are their top priorities.
	Junk food kills 30,000 people a day.
	Narcotics, 30,000 people a day.
	What's their focus?
	Monkeypox.
	Five people worldwide.
	So anyway, that's a whole thread you can check out on your own.
	And I've noticed too, you get all these stories historically that you hadn't heard of before that are fascinating.
	Like go to 3-0.
	Vietnam could have been prevented.
	I didn't know this.
	When I think of Vietnam, I go, okay.
	So after, no, that's...
	I'm jumping into 3-0.
	You go, Vietnam.
	Okay, I get it.
	What was it?
	Pol Pot?
	Ho Chi Minh?
	No, Ho Chi Minh.
	He was moving south.
	There was a communist revolution, although he says he was very pro-American.
	He just didn't like the French colonizing Vietnam.
	We gave the French Vietnam after World War II.
	I don't know why.
	And then the French got booted out by these commies, or whatever they were, these Khmer Rouge.
	And so we said, don't worry, France, we'll handle this.
	And we sent 60,000 men to die chasing fucking human rats down holes.
	What I didn't know is we had a chance for peace with Nixon's day.
	We were winning the war in 1972.
	So President Nixon ordered the U.S. Air Force to bomb industrial military targets in Hanoi and in Hai Pong.
	And we would stop the bombing if the North Vietnamese attended peace talks.
	Okay?
	That sounds like a pretty rough and rugged solution.
	It worked.
	They went back there.
	Nixon gave a speech announcing that the Paris Peace Accords had been initiated by the states, both South and North Vietnam and the Viet Cong.
	The accords to be signed on the 27th.
	At the White House, it was called V-Day, Victory in Vietnam Day.
	Awesome.
	We're done.
	1973.
	How many lives would that have saved?
	Next.
	The U.S. backed up that victory with a simple pledge.
	Should the South require any military hardware, we will double it.
	If they buy a tank, we get them a tank.
	They need a helicopter, we get a helicopter.
	So they spend $7 million, we spend $7 million.
	So we're doubling whatever their front is.
	Sounds good to me.
	That's a good way to seal the deal.
	We're done.
	I don't know how many deaths there were by 1972, but let's say it's half.
	30,000 lives could have been saved.
	Then it all came apart.
	Nixon resigned because of Watergate, and as Leonard Skinner said, Watergate, it doesn't bother me.
	Does your conscience bother you?
	So the fucking hippie DNC lefties decided Watergate was the worst thing in the world.
	And what was that?
	It was recording people.
	Now, Ford had told him that the best way to make sure your back is covered is to record absolutely everything.
	He overextended it, and he started recording people he shouldn't have.
	Okay.
	Sowy, what do you think Obama did to the Trump campaign after they faked the dossier?
	What Hillary did, what Obama did against the Trump campaign was 11 times worse than Watergate.
	But because of Watergate, Nixon's gone.
	Okay?
	Well, at least they have that deal that says if anyone fucks with South Vietnam, we will fund a retaliation.
	Nope.
	The new Congress saw that as pro-war because they're naive and they don't understand that more guns equal less crime.
	They're incapable of counterintuitive thinking.
	So when they hear the word bullet, they're like, no.
	So they shut it down, breaking the commitment that we had made to South Vietnam and Vietnamese and Paris to provide whatever military hardware the South Vietnamese needed in case of aggression from the North.
	You don't hear about this anywhere but right-wing outcasts like Breitbart and Prager.
	In 1975, President Ford appealed directly to those members of the Congress.
	Wait, Ford was after Nixon.
	Well, whoever was before Nixon told him to record everything.
	He literally begged the Congress to keep the word of the United States.
	But as President Ford delivered his speech, many of the members of Congress walked out the chamber.
	Right on, peace next.
	No more war, right?
	And then what happened?
	Many of them had an investment in America's failure in Vietnam.
	They had participated in demonstrations against the war.
	They wouldn't give the aid.
	So the South Vietnamese, South Vietnam surrendered, re-education camps were constructed, and the phenomenon of the boat people began.
	If the South Vietnamese had received the arms that the United States promised, things would have been different.
	The North Vietnamese leaders admitted they were testing the new president, Gerald Ford, and they took one village after another.
	Was it LBJ who was before Nixon?
	I don't know.
	You should be able to tell me that pretty quick.
	Yeah, I think so.
	Yeah.
	Kennedy, LBJ, Nixon.
	So LBJ told him, record everything, and Nixon went, okay, and then he overdid it.
	And now an extra 30,000 18-year-old white men are dead.
	Not a good look.
	Not a good look.
	Pretty bad.
	All right, let's start making fun of Puerto Ricans, shall we?
	Hey, sometimes I don't like to walk on a screen with the back like that because I'm worried I got like a yamuka balding thing.
	I had a dream last night that the lady who cut my hair, she's Japanese.
	Like, it's funny that I'm a Puerto Rican talking about Japanese and you're a Japanese Puerto Rican.
	And I dreamed that she cut the back and it's bald.
	From here back, he bald.
	It's a dream I had.
	So I'm very concerned about it because when you are old and ugly like me and you get wrinkly and you get like the weird Grover body with the pregnant stomach, hair is all you got.
	Hair and a perfect cock.
	But who cares about the cock?
	Only my wife sees that.
	She doesn't seem to interest it.
	Anyway, this is crazy tangents, man.
	Look at that.
	Puerto Ricans.
	Puerto Rican Day parade celebrating 150 years of dependence.
	Okay.
	I'd like to present you 10 things I learned about Puerto Ricans.
	Okay?
	I lived in Lowry Side, East Village, for a long time, maybe from 99 to maybe 2015 or so.
	So what's that?
	Six years I lived with these fucking peoples.
	Oh, and also Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and they there too.
	I'm always amazed at how white the New Yorkans are.
	Oh, by the way, when I'm talking about this today, I mean New Yorkans.
	I don't mean Puerto Ricans in Puerto Rico.
	I don't know them.
	And I hear they don't like us, New Yorkans.
	So I'm talking about these guys, these third generation welfare guys who love to soup up their bikes.
	Oh, I didn't put that one in.
	It's so weird to see these guys.
	They wear like a biker vest, like Hell's Angels.
	But then they, did I send you that footage?
	Jeez.
	They ride a bike.
	I don't mean a motorcycle.
	I don't mean 50 CCs.
	I mean no CCs.
	Look at these guys, man.
	Mina.
	Mira, look at these guys.
	Speakers on them and all kinds of things.
	I guess he come from the island because you can ride around there more.
	Look at this guy.
	Classic Puerto Rican right there.
	Classic.
	And then just like some gringos with their schwins.
	Anyway, sorry, we got to get started here.
	Number one thing you learn about Puerto Ricans, they all like music, but that's not so crazy.
	Everyone like music.
	They like all music.
	You play them like Metallica.
	They go, oh, that slaps.
	You play them Sheila-E.
	You know that chic with the glamorous life?
	You play that, they go, oh, that's a fucking jam.
	Rap, fucking, that corny Puerto Rican music.
	What's that called?
	Reggaeton?
	Reggaeton.
	Like salsa, marengue, death metal, fucking venom, rockabilly.
	And there's like when I, okay, I can't do that act anymore.
	When I was a kid, it was like you had to choose sides.
	Like death before disco.
	So you like metal?
	That means you would rather die than hear a disco song.
	I remember my babysitter, when I was like six or seven, she played me that blondie song.
	Oh my love, and it was a ghast.
	Soon find heart of glass, which is basically a disco song.
	I was like, that's a great song.
	She goes, that's disco.
	Ew!
	Even when we would listen to the bad brains, Eye Against Eye, when Secret 77 came on, which is kind of a love song, we'd go, ill, and skip over it.
	So us whites are very dedicated to a very specific genre of music, Thou Shalt Not Waver.
	As I got older, obviously spread out a little bit.
	But that is so foreign to Puerto Ricans.
	So you go to a Puerto Rican bar like Cheap Shots in Queens, and they'll play like Marengue, then Ozzie, then Melissa Etheridge.
	Like, it's the worst mixes ever.
	And you can see that in Ryan's taste.
	Like, Ryan, do you think Metallica slaps?
	They're pretty good.
	I don't love, love Metallica, but I love ACDC.
	But Metallica.
	Do you like corn?
	Do you think corn slaps?
	Yeah, they have a good amount of slappage.
	So corn slaps, that's not from LA.
	But you also...
	What do you think of Melissa Etheridge?
	Does she have some jams?
	She does have a couple of jams.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Let's be real.
	What about Sheena Easton?
	Have you ever heard Sugar Walls?
	She's pretty good, right?
	No, but I'm sure she's got some merit.
	Yeah.
	Nickelback.
	Yes.
	Just throw a dartboard at a record store and they go, oh, cool, it landed there.
	That's my favorite band.
	So that's a weird thing about them.
	Number two, they are fucking loud.
	Just as I said that, a guy was plugging his ears.
	I remember, was it Rosie Perez?
	Yeah.
	Rosie Perez goes, why are Puerto Ricans so fucking loud?
	And she goes, they're screaming to be heard in a world that just won't listen.
	No.
	They're fucking loud because they're fourth generation welfare.
	They're all crammed in.
	Oh, this guy screams really loud.
	I'm surprised to see, A, that Puerto Rican dads exist and B, that they're employed.
	That's not your typical Puerto Rican.
	They're loud because they're in an apartment and they're all crammed in there.
	Grandma, great grandma, not dad.
	Mom, uncle, four kids.
	And they have to scream above each other and the TV that's blaring 24 hours a day to hear each other.
	That's why they're so fucking loud.
	And then they come out into the Real world, and they go, Hey, what are you doing?
	I'm like, stop.
	I'm crossing the street.
	Please, quiet down.
	Number three, they all do Coke.
	Every single person right here does Coke.
	Not a lot.
	I'm not saying they're Coke heads.
	They do Coke the way that British people drink beer.
	Like an old British lady, she'll have a pine of lager.
	Usually she'll have a gin and tonic, but all British people drink, unless, of course, they're in AA.
	All Puerto Ricans will do a bump.
	And you can go up to a granddad, go up to a 72-year-old man and just be like, you want a little toot?
	And be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Here, mira, mira.
	And he'll do a toot.
	No shame in the game.
	It's not like, like in our, in American culture in general, it's like, that guy's a cokehead.
	It's so sad.
	And you think of like suits and finance guys and, you know, Sean Penn and the Falcon and the snowman.
	Not with them.
	And I think this is true of a lot of sort of the Caribbean and Central America, South America.
	It's just like a thing that's around.
	A secretary will have some in her purse for a little pick-me-up.
	It's their caffeine.
	Number four.
	Speaking of great-grandmothers, they all know their great-grandmother.
	There she is.
	And she's not that old.
	How old's your great-grandmother, Ryan?
	Like 96, I think.
	So I guess you have like a 16-year-old has a baby.
	They all have the babies in their teens, by the way.
	And for babies, they don't need to be married.
	Like, we'll get to that in a second, but you just have a baby when you're a teen without even thinking about it.
	It's like taking a big shit.
	And it is in many ways.
	Just kidding, SPLC.
	They have a kid at 16.
	That kid has a kid at 16.
	Now we're at 32.
	That kid has a kid at 16.
	We're at what now?
	48?
	That's not old.
	I'm older than that.
	I'm 52.
	I would probably make it to great-great-great-grandfather in Puerto Rican culture.
	And that's so when I'm talking about the apartment and everyone's crammed in there, I'm not just saying Nana.
	I'm saying great-nana.
	I have no fucking clue who my great-grandmother was.
	I've heard nothing about her.
	I met my grandmother on my dad's side a few times in Scotland.
	I was very close with my other grandma, my mom's mom.
	I'd go stay with her in the summers in Glasgow, but her mom?
	I think she mentioned her dad once.
	He was a grump who was always reading the newspaper.
	And then the mom, I don't think I've ever heard a word about her, and she was dead like 100 years before I was born.
	Because I'm normal.
	Number five, they have no dad.
	Now, blacks have no dad.
	That's a thing, especially here in the Bronx.
	There's, I think it's 82% of black children are born out of wedlock.
	So that's normal.
	But, and I guess this is true of blacks.
	There's no shame in the game.
	Like when Ryan's dad said, I'm going to go away.
	I'm not really into responsibility.
	They went, okay, see you later.
	Mira, Mira.
	Okay, bye-bye, Papy.
	Bye, Papi.
	Gone.
	No stigma, no shame.
	No, like, what a joke.
	I mean, my parents, if there was any sort of leaving children behind, there'd be a path of dead surrounding them.
	My dad would burn down your village if you abandon your kid.
	But they don't even have a word for that.
	Ebandones doesn't exist in their language.
	And that's weird to me.
	To have no dad and not give a shit?
	And it makes for a very feminized man.
	Like, that's...
	There's fucking evil people in many ways, Puerto Ricans.
	Like, they will stab you in the neck and you will die.
	They're not pussies by any means.
	But then they are kind of pussies in that they're overgroomed and they do all this shit.
	We'll get to that in a second.
	So they have a lot of feminine traits, but then they also have the inevitable urban traits of being a murderer.
	But it's important we separate them from, say, blacks and Dominicans.
	Dominicans is a common misconception.
	Like, Washington Heights is Dominicans.
	East Harlem, Spanish Harlem, the Lower East Side, the East Village, South Bronx.
	That's all Puerto Ricans.
	And Puerto Ricans are like, or I should say Dominicans are like not lazy Puerto Ricans.
	Puerto Ricans are lazy.
	That's just a fact.
	Dominicans, though, replace the lazy with violent.
	So where a Puerto Rican might stab you and you'll live, a Dominican will just take a fucking machete and chop you to death.
	Like when the Dominicans population started getting big in my old village of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, the Dominicans would come in and they're like, wait a minute, what the fuck's going on here?
	And the Latin kings were like, I'm making learning cool, by the way.
	So the Latin king, wait, gang culture is cool.
	I don't have to swear in this explanation.
	So the Latin kings go, hey, Mira, this is, hey, Papi, what's going on?
	So we got a great thing going here.
	We took down the violence and we're focusing on just selling cocaine, which I think is pretty cool.
	No one really respects the Latin kings.
	Well, I shouldn't say that.
	I'm going to get killed.
	But when people think of the Latin kings, they don't think of a violent gang like, say, the pagans or MS-13.
	They just think of Coke dealers.
	And that was by design.
	I can't remember his name, but the top Latin king back in the 90s and early on said, let's just stop gangbanging and fucking fighting each other.
	There's plenty of Coke to go around.
	Let's just sell Coke.
	I couldn't agree more.
	You know, I'm reminded when we used to buy Coke.
	Is that listed here?
	Yeah, I didn't.
	When we used to buy Coke in Williamsburg, we'd go to this kid's house.
	He was like 19.
	And we'd get to his apartment, knock, knock, knock.
	He'd open the door.
	There'd be like seven people on the couch.
	These are all his relatives.
	There'd be two people on the floor leaning up against the couch.
	They'd be grandmas, great-grandmas.
	And I'd have to sort of step over them to go to his bedroom where I would suck him off.
	No, we'd go to his bedroom and he'd have like a wrestling trophy there and he'd pick up the wrestling trophy and there'd be like 50 bags of cocaine, do the deal in his bedroom, put the trophy back and then back over Nana.
	She knew what was going on.
	There was no stigma there.
	That's just how they sold Coke.
	They sold it like one would sell muffins.
	So anyway, the Dominicans come in, gangs like Trinitarios and DDP, the aptly named DDP, Dominicans don't play.
	And they said, yo, we're not playing.
	And they said, let's do both violence and selling drugs.
	That's how you really make the money.
	Hack, hack.
	And just like an Aztec would hack through the jungle, DDP hacked through the Lower East Side and the Puerto Rican areas and just took over the cocaine trade by hacking the Latin kings to death.
	So that's the difference.
	You go to Washington Heights, you'll see the same sort of overgrooming you see with Puerto Ricans, but they do the same kind of like kids have no bedtime.
	They'll broadcast a movie onto the side of a building, and then they'll have lawn chairs out, and now the street's their living room.
	You can't drive down that street.
	And there'll be a four-year-old up at three in the morning just wandering around like no rules.
	No dad?
	No rules.
	Welfare is your dad, and welfare doesn't care what time you go to bed.
	Cardi B is Dominican, but you think she's Puerto Rican.
	She's a little more raunchy and dangerous and black than Puerto Ricans.
	That's how you know.
	When Puerto Ricans scare you, they're Dominican.
	Here's a big one.
	I believe this is because of the lack of dads in their culture, but they love fame.
	Because if you grow up and your sisters are reading celebrity magazines and watching celebrity gossip, and your mom and grandma and great-grandma and great-great-grandma have their telenovelas, fame has this real credit to it.
	It has this value.
	So you want to be famous.
	And if you go, my kids used to go to Puerto Rican public schools and would say, you can do it.
	You can do anything you want to do in your life.
	And you'd look at, you go, that's a good message.
	And you look at the mural and you expect like Norman Borlaug, the food scientists, and all these, General MacArthur and all these incredible men who changed the world.
	And it's John Laguziamo, J-Lo, Rosie Perez, Michelle Rodriguez.
	It's just Puerto Ricans in movies and TV.
	And you're like, I don't want my kid to be in acting.
	It's a gay job.
	It's a stupid job.
	It's a one in a billion shot at actually making money.
	So that's not inspiring to me.
	You go to the school library at a Puerto Rican public school like PS84, and it's like a Kanye West book that's called The Dropout.
	Like, they're not big on academia.
	We'll get to that in a minute.
	Puerto Ricans completely fall for the American Dream.
	They're the opposite of disenfranchised.
	They're enfranchised.
	They believe the news.
	They believe like if you're wearing a suit and you're a white guy and you say that there's monkeypox and COVID, they're like, oh my God, there's monkeypox and COVID, man.
	We're going to die.
	They believe it all.
	They believe the American Dream and the news.
	Well, but the American Dream exists.
	You just have to bust your ass at doing anything like being an accountant.
	They're not interested in that.
	They want to be John Laguziamo and J-Lo.
	Yeah.
	That's it.
	They're who the Academy Awards are for.
	Like, they believe all that.
	They're like, wow, this is prestigious.
	He got in the award.
	Well, I think this is linked to graffiti.
	Because what is graffiti?
	It's all about fame.
	It's all about getting up.
	Are you providing anything?
	No.
	I had an argument at a bar last night with some fucking WAP who was bothering me and Anthony.
	And he's like, no, but it's about making a public space beautiful again.
	I go, okay, maybe a bombed-out building in Beirut or fucking East Berlin.
	You might have a point if you do a nice mural.
	But that's not 99% of it.
	99% of it is you make up a nickname for yourself, like VFR, and then you go and write it on other people's property, whether it's with a fucking drippy marker or a spray can.
	You're ruining other people's property for no other reason but getting up.
	And getting up is fame.
	So it's even gayer than being a Hollywood movie star or an actor.
	You're trying to get fame.
	At least Cause went out and made some money with it.
	You're trying to get fame with nothing to show for it.
	This is what I said to the guy at the bar last night.
	Like when you see a giant billboard for craft cheese, you're like, that's ugly and it's taking up the landscape, but I don't want to see it.
	But cheese exists and you need cheese and cheese is a good thing.
	They do the exact same thing as relentless marketing and advertising, but without the product.
	It's just the advertising.
	Like it's the worst of all worlds.
	Fame, fame, fame.
	And, you know, if you look at the origins of graffiti, you'll see that it's, you know, well, today it's mostly Wiggers.
	And the original guy, I think, was a New York dude, tacky something, writing his stupid fucking tag.
	Tacky139.
	I think that's the street he lived on, 139th Street.
	And then it blew up, really blew up in Philly.
	But if you look at really the backbone, you're going to see mostly Puerto Ricans.
	Puerto Ricans are, that's their job.
	You know, they got welfare paying their bills.
	So they spend their lives trying to get famous via writing their nicknames on other people's property.
	Nice job, guys.
	Number seven, they cannot spell at all, including teachers.
	They don't read books.
	You'll never see a Puerto Rican read a book, guaranteed.
	Here's a couple.
	They're living in the island of Puerto Rico.
	Can we hear them talking?
	I love to read them.
	According to Chris's parents, in 2014, I want to see them on the couch.
	Let me tell you, they are inspiring the entire island.
	That's right.
	Chris, who is this?
	My good friend, Sophia.
	Sophia.
	Is that like your parents, Frank?
	Who is this?
	No.
	They have Puerto Rican Down syndrome, I think.
	What?
	Do they have Puerto Rican Down syndrome?
	No, those are just Puerto Rican.
	Oh.
	That's weird.
	Puerto Rican Down syndrome are playing at Mercury Lounge, by the way, on Thursday, if you want to go.
	Puerto Rican Down syndrome is just being Puerto Rican.
	Thanks for explaining my joke to the folks at home.
	Appreciate it.
	Ryan will be here to explain all jokes for the remainder of the show.
	Yes, Ryan.
	They really are.
	They look the most normal I've ever seen Downs people look.
	Yeah, because Puerto Rico is the Venn diagram of normal and retarded.
	Yeah, when my kid, this is why I pulled the kids out of public school, actually.
	I gave it a whirl.
	All right, let's try it.
	Let's see if these Puerto Ricans can teach my kids.
	No murkers.
	I've told you this story 100 times.
	My daughter used a marker when she was in, I think, second grade, And the teacher sent a note back, an angry note.
	No murkers.
	M-E-R-K-E-R-S.
	Imagine not getting the etymology of marker.
	I wonder where it comes from, the word marker.
	And then my boy got a note that said, you're awesome.
	Why O-U-R?
	And I went, fuck this.
	We're out.
	So then I took him to the private school there.
	There was a hippie-dippy school called Green Hill in Brooklyn.
	And then I went, wait a minute, this is so fucking expensive, private school.
	I could just move to the suburbs and go to a really good public school in a really she neighborhood in Westchester, which I did.
	And then about three or four years into that, they got woke.
	And now they got an affirmative action principal who makes his opening speech about MLK and Nelson Mandela.
	And all the books are these fucking garbage woke books.
	I did a presentation on it here.
	So now what do we do?
	Go to the south, I guess.
	Send them to another school that's miles away, some boarding school somewhere.
	Eight, they have their own language.
	Now, Ryan's going to have to help me with this.
	I know the obvious from an English perspective where, you know, when I would call the Northside Car Service in Williamsburg, they can't say five minutes.
	That's too much work, too much enunciation.
	So they go, Pai Mini.
	Pai Mini.
	F, f.
	That's too much.
	P. P is easy.
	Also, I told you when the guy said you should have got a minivan, he said, Jushuga, Biba.
	I go, Ju, shuga, biba.
	You can't even say mini or van.
	You got to say biba.
	Like, that's how babies talk.
	You work as hard at enunciation as a baby does.
	But I've noticed that they have a real problem with S's.
	And I think that's why John Laguziamo, this is actually Ryan's point, I'm stealing it, speaks at the side of his mouse.
	So does Melissa Rodriguez.
	The constantly frowning Melissa Rodriguez.
	That's her entire acting career.
	It's just this.
	I'm an angry Les.
	Someone stole my double dong.
	What is with the S's, Ryan?
	Maybe you could interject here.
	I don't really know, but I know my S is a little weird too.
	It's like, so salsa music.
	It's almost like an SH.
	Salsa music.
	Irish guys will be like, I'm going to chop your schnout.
	Yeah.
	They purposely mess up the S as a sh.
	Carlito's way.
	Carlito's way, yeah.
	That's a good example.
	Like, Al Pacino must have done his research for that.
	He played a Puerto Rican, and he basically turned out like my grandfather's brother.
	Like, he is a Puerto Rican in that movie.
	And he does a thing with his S where it's like, they're just like, so I've been vindicated.
	I've been incorporated and disenfranchised.
	And he's like, it's just a weird, I don't know how to explain it.
	It's not a lisp.
	Disenfranchise.
	It's not a lisp.
	It's like a shh.
	Especially when they're from the actual island, they'll say, they'll just drop the S. Like, they'll say the S's in business, like, biznas igu.
	And you're like, why did business get all those S's?
	But is was not allowed.
	Yeah.
	And by the way, where's the D?
	You know what they call me?
	Cabby Eins.
	I'm like, hold on, stop.
	So a V is a B, and I knew that we're going to have a lot of B's.
	You did the Biba with the minivan.
	So I get that the V becomes a B. I could even handle that.
	Why is a G a K?
	Do you even know what a G is?
	Like, I don't think they know what a G is.
	I'm not talking about a gangster.
	They know what gangsters are.
	I don't think they know the letter G. Like at the fucking bodega, this guy's Cuban, but whatever.
	I go, he goes, what kind of a la Pino you want in your cheeseburger?
	I'm like, the raw ones, meaning the green ones.
	He gave me the pickled ones, and I realized later, oh, you don't know what raw means.
	So I'm Cabby.
	C is a G. So that's the Gavin down.
	Oh yeah, the N is gone.
	Like letters, they're sort of like Laswegians in a sense.
	I was saying this the other day on Compound Censored.
	They just randomly, like imagine you have alphabet soup in your hand and letters just fall between your fingers.
	So the N in Gavin is gone.
	The MC is too confusing.
	I've never seen a big letter with a little letter next to it.
	That disappears.
	And then the double consonant doesn't mean anything, so it's Einz.
	I'm Cabby Eins.
	You know what that means?
	You've never read a book in your life.
	Start with Dr. Zeus.
	Yeah, this one, I don't know what this is, but it looks accurate.
	All right, let's keep it going with the alphabet.
	N is for that's just stupid.
	But basically, they don't.
	They're not funny either, as you may have noticed.
	They don't pronounce their S's, and a lot of other Spanish-speaking people do.
	Okay, number nine, and this goes back to graffiti and fame.
	They overgroom.
	This is true of Dominicans.
	If you go to Washington Heights, you'll see them all lining up.
	In Washington Heights, there's a fucking barbershop on every block, and it is crammed from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m.
	Non-stop.
	And you look at the guys in the lineup, and they all have this hair.
	Like, I got a haircut yesterday.
	They have yesterday's haircut.
	That's a man's foot, by the way.
	Puerto Ricans will go and get a fucking pedicure.
	And when I first moved to Williamsburg, I'd be walking down the street and I'd see them through the window of the place and go, like, don't you want a curtain drawn?
	Aren't you, aren't you embarrassed?
	Like a pedicure?
	For what?
	For when women suck your toes?
	Is that a thing?
	No one has ever touched my feet.
	No women ever, my wife, obviously would be the only one, but my wife never knows what my feet are.
	I could have swastikas on my feet.
	The bottom of my souls could say, niggers beware.
	And no one would ever know.
	That's a good idea.
	If you are going to get that tattoo, I'd probably get it there.
	And then if anyone ever catches you, you go, no, I'm stomping on racism.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I hate that kind of talk.
	People would ask why I'm barefoot all the time and doing high kicks.
	Well, then it just says, beware, beware, beware.
	Yeah, so they overgroom, just like Dominicans, they get their haircut every three days.
	It looks fucking retarded.
	And their eyebrows are perfectly done.
	And they're really into, like when the barber's done with their hair, they're like, oh, shit, I waited three hours and we're already done.
	And then the barber's like, I could spend an hour on your beard.
	Okay, so then they sit there sculpting this insane line that looks like it was done with a sharpie, and this little pencil mustache, and another line going up beard.
	It looks embarrassing.
	You look like some weird aristocrat, like some prince, some you look like you have too much time on your hands, which I guess is exactly what's going on here.
	Number 10.
	This one is very unique to Puerto Ricans, and it freaks me out every time.
	They make you clean up.
	So you go to a Puerto Rican's house, especially in your younger days.
	This isn't so common with adults, but as the party is winding up, or not even a party, just like a gathering of, say, six or seven people, they'll come out with like a broom and be like, okay, let's start cleaning up, guys.
	They'll come out with garbage bags.
	Okay, put the glass in here.
	And then the garbage goes in this one.
	And you're like, oh, all right.
	And you start cleaning up their house because they don't like to clean.
	Meanwhile, aren't you on welfare?
	Can't you just do, make this your job tomorrow for eight hours?
	Even at the gym, a Puerto Rican trainer will be like, okay, you're done.
	He'll spray the mats, spray the heavy bag, and then he'll give you the paper towels and be like, all right, just clean that up and wash the mats and you're good to go.
	And you're like, they're a funny group of people.
	Did that hurt you today, by the way, Ryan?
	No.
	It was meant to.
	Well, it failed.
	Puerto Ricans are happy people.
	Yeah, that's what happens when you don't work.
	I'm working right now.
	I know.
	Half of you is working.
	The Japanese half.
	The Puerto Rican half of you is the one that fucks up all the time.
	Maybe.
	If it wasn't for your Japanese half, you'd be lying on the floor right now like, you know those videos they show to discourage inbreeding in the Muslim community?
	No.
	That would be you if you had no Japanese in you.
	Do you think Japanese people would be a better stand-up comedian or a Puerto Rican?
	Oh, dude, of course Puerto Ricans are funnier.
	Nice.
	Japanese people aren't funny.
	Does Japanese comedy even exist?
	I was just about to look that up.
	It's probably just like someone falling down a river of bananas into a pile of shit and then going at best.
	This is an American Japanese guy.
	That's not going to work.
	No, that doesn't count.
	He learned our ways.
	Maybe if he has an accent.
	So I stood and clapped twice.
	Lampoite Bombs.
	What?
	Too soon?
	Oh, he is Japanese.
	I became a hero recently because I just got a job as a janitor at Marianus.
	Yeah, I just got this suit.
	And you guys are my heroes.
	But I think now we need true Asian superhero movies.
	Because there's a lot of superhero movies in America, but there's no Asian superhero but Mulan.
	So I need to move.
	But you're only 5% of the population.
	Oh, that's something I meant to cover when we were talking about the media.
	I skipped over it.
	But even amateur media is shit, too, because they emulate this crap.
	Go to 2.9.
	Big smoothie.
	This isn't Nasdaq.
	It's Nasdaq's brand.
	He's got a whole team now, which is smart.
	You don't want to be the product.
	That's the problem with censored.
	I am the product.
	I can't sell this and retire.
	But go back.
	He's talking about some disgusting slum in India and how awesome it is.
	A slum in India?
	He talks so much like Nas that I thought it was him.
	Makes more than $650 million every year.
	It's called Darabit in Mumbai, India.
	And it's the third largest slum in the world.
	More than 100,000 people live in tiny houses all crumped up next to each other.
	But when you take a closer look at this.
	I looked this up.
	It is more than 100,000 people.
	It's a million.
	So he's impressed, one of Nas's niggas, that this place makes $650 million a year.
	There's a million of them.
	So that's $650 a year.
	He says in this, they work non-stop.
	So $650 a year is about, what, $365, right?
	It's $2 a day.
	It's less than $2 a day.
	And if you're working 10 hours a day, you're making, what, 20 cents an hour?
	So he's all about this incredible powerhouse of a slum that's actually super fancy.
	Really?
	How much do they make?
	20 cents an hour?
	That's a slum.
	That's a disgusting shithole.
	And by the way, that's about what I figured.
	20 cents an hour, sure.
	Place, it's much more than just another slum.
	This place has one of the biggest recycling business, pottery business, and leather and garments business.
	This bag was made in Darabi.
	Not Milan.
	Not New York or Paris.
	Not Milan.
	Darabi are super hardworking.
	Even inside houses, women are working.
	Even with dirty roads and no toilets, every house is clean on the inside.
	Bullshit.
	This is more than just a slum.
	It's an economic powerhouse filled with huge businesses, engineers, artists, and hard workers.
	It just happens to be called a slum.
	That's one minute.
	See you tomorrow.
	This one minute of bullshit.
	One minute of fucking lefty bullshit.
	Why don't you move there, buddy?
	Why don't you move to this fantastic powerhouse?
	You can make over 20 cents every single hour.
	Did a hard day's work making Pots, you just earned two bucks.
	Way to go.
	Way to go.
	Speaking of a good infomercial on why Muslims shouldn't inbreed.
	Okay, I haven't vetted these, and that never bodes well.
	Oh, no.
	Did we want to hit the mailbag anymore?
	Oh, yeah.
	Sorry.
	What am I doing?
	Ryan, shut up.
	You don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	Um, Egyptian people.
	My wife is Egyptian and white.
	Her 91-year-old grandma lives with us, and I mess with her by saying we are a mixed couple.
	She's from the Bronx and absolutely loses her mind when I say this.
	She never curses.
	I showed both of them your point that Egyptian people are white, and she said, smart man.
	I like that dude.
	Okay.
	I like when people think I'm smart.
	Feels good.
	Did you make my Me News thing?
	No, not yet.
	Yo, Gavin and Ryan, Maddie, Ryan's.
	Is Maddie coming?
	I'll ask you later.
	Ryan's new song dropped on Spotify, and it's lit.
	I didn't know you put songs on Spotify.
	I did, actually, but no.
	You shaved your head?
	No.
	That's someone else who doesn't even look like me at all.
	I love advanced humor.
	Very witty.
	It's very witty to send us a handicapped Asian and say it's Ryan.
	We haven't done that enough.
	It's not me.
	So you mentioned your research into the titular phenomena.
	I did?
	What does that mean again?
	Titular phenomena?
	Skip right to the bottom and call them and ask them.
	In particular, I first learned epenymis.
	Titular.
	TV tropes.
	Oh, okay.
	A catalog of the tricks of the trade for writing fiction, blah, blah, blah.
	This is not a Scunthorpe problem with tit.
	Someone on the site, presumably the founder of, decided that titular is a synonym for nominal, but not epinamus.
	Dude, why'd you give us a homework assignment with this word titular?
	Yeah, tit head.
	Fucking tit.
	You should call him.
	Titular, holding or constituting a purely formal position or title without any real authority.
	Denoting a person or thing from whom or which the name of an artistic work or similar is taken.
	Okay, so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
	We've all noticed how every youthful parent couple must be biracial and it's almost always a black father and a white mother.
	But I've noticed an increase in black parents slash married couples being represented.
	Obviously overly so in commercials.
	Now my first inclination, I don't want to read this.
	I'm fucking annoyed by that guy.
	Again, I'm never reading from now new rule.
	New rule.
	I'm never reading a letter that I haven't vetted first ever again.
	Good work, Johnny.
	Cash flow.
	Oh, he's on the line.
	You have to turn your mic on, though.
	Hello?
	Hello?
	This is G-O-M-L talking to Perry Tommy Harvard.
	Are you the guy that sent the letter about the titular phenomena?
	I am.
	I am the one who sent the letter about the titular phenomenon.
	I do love them titular phenomenon.
	What does that mean?
	What do you mean?
	What does it mean?
	So, you're talking about the cuck martials?
	No, define titular phenomena.
	So, the titular would be the title of the video, Cuck Marshalls, right?
	And Cuck Marshalls being a phenomenon.
	Now, we see in the middle of the video.
	Oh, so it's like titler.
	So, like, why did you slow down the show drastically?
	Shut up!
	Hang up on him.
	Cuck Marshalls being a phenomenal.
	Fuck you.
	You're banned.
	Jesus.
	Do you know that asshole?
	No.
	Well, he's fucking painfully annoying.
	Write down his phone number and make sure we never answer his calls on the live show.
	Okay.
	Sorry, you're banned.
	Loretto Staircase Debunked.
	The miraculous Loretto Staircase, which Ryan, of course, brought his naivete.
	Why is the background wrong?
	Oops.
	The Loretto Academy was founded in 1852.
	It was a school for women, blah, blah, blah.
	And they talk about, we talked about this on the show recently, how the staircase, this magical staircase, which Ryan has got to get up there, is magic.
	It was made by a saint.
	No one knew where he got the lumber from, and no one can figure out how he built it, and it has no nails.
	And these historians go, yeah, no one used nails back then.
	They weren't around.
	And the reason they didn't use wooden pegs is on stairs, especially spiral staircases, they wear out and morph, and it becomes unusable.
	So turns out, the wood was just spruce.
	It's not a magical wood.
	And they did know who bought it.
	The builder appeared after nine days of prayer, blah, blah.
	However, in the early 2000s, historian Mary Jean Cook identified Francis François Jean, or Frenchie Rochas, known as the probable carpenter.
	He was a guy who came to New Mexico from France around the 1870s.
	He was a reclusive rancher and occasional carpenter.
	Key piece of evidence in an entry of the sisters' logbook of $150 payment made to Rojas for wood indicating he had done some work for them.
	Also at the time of his death, it was reported he had an awesome set of tools.
	So not magic.
	Sorry, folks.
	Well, hold on a second here.
	Okay.
	This is classic Ryan.
	It says probable.
	Never wrong.
	It says probable.
	Yeah.
	Well, that's what you're going to get when you go back to 1873.
	We're not Going to have a lot of video footage.
	I don't understand the misunderstanding of the political spectrum for modern normies.
	Just because Antifa say they're anarchists doesn't make it so.
	They aren't for no rulers, just not our rulers.
	They are communist.
	They want us against the wall while their tranny comrades, with half of its head shaved, Empier's Body Part reloads the magazine.
	What do right-wingers want?
	We want small, limited government, a little more than the founders wanted, but still mostly leashed.
	What do libertarians want?
	Almost no government regulations.
	What do leftists want?
	They want more government.
	Why the hell would libertarians and anarchists be on the left?
	Because they're scared of being called racist, basically.
	The left is fascism.
	Hitler's 25-point party platform is a leftist wet dream.
	To socialism to communism like ticks on the gas range.
	Anyway, good points from Josh.
	I can say your first name, I assume.
	Gavin Email, Fagin and the Retard.
	In reference to Monday's show, it's my belief that Michael Jackson was set up, and killed.
	That guy's really fallen from the bad books, soared up into the good books.
	Not only is he not a pedophile, he's a martyr.
	His father and brothers were abusive.
	I don't understand why that's got to do with him being killed.
	But he talks about crying himself to sleep at night as his dad and brothers fuck random groupies.
	This one sounds big, and I hadn't really thought of this before.
	He owned the three biggest music catalogs ever.
	Michael Jackson, his own music.
	The Beatles, which he purchased, and Elvis Presley through his marriage to Elvis' daughter.
	Not to mention Sony ATV.
	The ATV is Michael Jackson's holdings.
	He owned too much of the business.
	That's why he had to go.
	And then three, this person brings the Jews into it and says in the song They Don't Really Care About Us, he said, Jew me, sue me, kick me, kike me.
	He identified someone he wasn't supposed to, and from there, the accused, he was accused of pedophilia and shortly after died.
	Coincidence?
	I think not.
	Then someone sends us Nick Mullen.
	They'd never heard of him before, I guess, and they just call it semi-red-pilled comedy.
	I was mad at Nick for saying that Cumio was out there doing racist shit, but no one can deny Nick Sprinkles.
	Do you know how much they were making?
	Did we talk about this?
	With that stupid podcast with the fat Greek guy?
	Come Town.
	Come Town.
	Former fat Greek guy.
	Well, he's still fat, but formerly working with him.
	Yeah, they don't work together anymore.
	But they were making like, I think, $40,000 an episode.
	Yeah, they were making a lot of money.
	They were making like half a million dollars a year.
	At least.
	I just saw a clip of him responding to, what's it called?
	The Fatima.
	The Holocaust.
	Yes.
	That he's not on the show anymore, and he looks sad.
	He was like, you know, good for those guys.
	Is the Greek guy or Nick?
	Stavros, the Greek guy.
	And he's like, I wish him all the best.
	Well, he left.
	He left, and he was like, you know what happened is at the end of I was touring and stuff and I just like didn't want to do anything.
	You know, that's kind of where I was at.
	And he was like saying like, that's.
	Now I'm now I'm here, but I was at like a quit everything place.
	Now I'm, who knows now?
	It's like, but I think it's.
	Sometimes I have to tell you people, never quit.
	Get fired.
	So here's Nick Mullen doing some good comedy sprinkles.
	Weird hat like FOMO.
	I've never had that feeling.
	He likes red hats.
	Initially, I thought somebody was just putting a little stink on the word homo.
	I was like, come on, guys.
	Come on.
	I didn't know what it was until I saw that fucking Capitol ride.
	And I was like, ah, I should have been there.
	I should have fucking been there.
	Not because I share any politics with those guys, but intellectually, that is my fucking zone.
	100%.
	100% wildly overconfident.
	No reason to be.
	Expecting zero consequences for my like fucking egregious actions.
	Everybody that went there that day drove there drunk.
	Guaranteed.
	They were leaving the house while some Tieri woman tried to paw their keys away from them.
	They're like, please don't go.
	He's like, I'll be fine, bitch.
	I'm going to go kill my pants.
	I'll be all right.
	Don't worry about me.
	I've done this shit a million times.
	Don't worry about me.
	Never understood.
	And then the next one's pretty good, too.
	See, good comedy is like good art.
	You take something that we've all seen a million times, you package it differently, and you get a new perspective on it.
	That's why they'll have a plexiglass thing of like a spoon and a toothbrush.
	And you're like, well, I never really looked at the ergonomics of those things.
	And I guess they are pretty in a way.
	And that's what good comedy does.
	They tell you that Me Too is a really shitty name.
	And it sounds like, well, here, I'll let him do it.
	The worst of all of them.
	I was the one that started it all.
	That one, they should have taken at least another second to think about that.
	It's the shittiest name you could have picked.
	For what that movement was, Me Too?
	Like, imagine you're describing the most unbearable trauma you've ever had in your life.
	Just the worst thing that's ever happened to you.
	You're like, can nobody believe me?
	And the police wouldn't even file a report.
	And then somebody just comes up and they're like, Me Too.
	Yeah, that sounds like it sucks.
	Same.
	Whatever happened to me, that sounds like it's dog shit, but.
	Been there, done that.
	Bought the t-shirt.
	And I'm like an idiot, too.
	So anytime I heard Me Too, I just, I would always picture Jack for Mullen Grace being like, ooh, me too.
	Three.
	Yeah, Me Too.
	He's a funny quality, man.
	The guy's just, he's got it.
	This is Stop Rose.
	Well, you know, God bless the Adam Friedland show.
	You know, I hope those boys are successful.
	He's kind of killing it right now.
	That's great.
	Have you read the monologues?
	I have not.
	Monologues are solid.
	I'm completely off everything.
	Not even, you know, that show, just everything.
	So, yeah, it's all like they're going to be successful.
	They're hilarious as shit.
	But I was just like, You could have been rich, you fucking moron.
	I was at the end of the day.
	This is just like, what's his name there?
	The little A-Korean dude who lost that hot chick just out of laziness.
	Oh, Bobby Lee.
	Yeah, I'm just going to let my whole life fall apart and slip through my fingers.
	Well, he's doing the.
	Carpe Diem, Carpe My As He's doing the whole like, that's the stand-up thing.
	He's like, I want to be a stand-up guy.
	And I was so tired.
	I was like, I don't want to do anything.
	It's all love.
	It's all being fat and lazy.
	Bless the Adam Friedlands.
	Fat, lazy, and stupid is no way to go through life, Greek.
	Anyway, last one.
	Sup, dudes, there's one of you can give us a review on the all-black punk death band from the 70s, Death.
	Okay, I am so fucking sick of this band.
	Just like they say Elvis stole rock and roll from the black man.
	Now they know punk is awesome.
	They know it's cool.
	So they have Afro-punk.
	And they talk about how being black is actually the punkest thing.
	It's this, we'll get more, I'll get more into this on Monday.
	I've had enough erase for one week.
	But this whole idea of blackwashing everything and making everything about blacks.
	And now that thing, you mean Johnny Rotten and Sid Vicious Pogoing?
	Yeah, that's basically from blacks.
	So they dig up this rock band called Death from a million years ago.
	I don't know, 69, 72.
	And they call them punk just because they're fast.
	No one knew anything about this band.
	They had zero influence.
	They were a good, hard rock band.
	Heavily influenced, of course, by other rock bands of the day.
	And they played good rock.
	That doesn't mean that they were secretly behind the bad brains.
	Just because bad brains are also black, that's retarded.
	H.R. and Daryl Jennifer had never heard of death.
	Death had zero influence.
	You know why bad brains got into hardcore?
	Because they were a jazz band and there was no jazz gigs.
	And hardcore was blowing up in DC, so they went, okay, let's try that.
	We'll make some money.
	That's it.
	Bad brains were influenced by minor threat more than anything.
	And that death, does that sound like it inspired the New York Dolls?
	Punk rock came from Glam, which came from David Bowie and Slade and that whole sort of soccer stadium rock chanting music with the big platform boots of the 70s.
	Turn it up.
	Almost hippie music.
	Keep going.
	Like, you find an old rock band.
	If this was a white band, no one would have ever heard of it.
	But because they're black, they go, they're the reason punk exists.
	Even though no one's ever fucking heard of them before.
	Come on, man.
	Anyway, last one.
	What does the downer acronym stand for?
	I only remember water a plenty and never after four.
	So he's asking me about my partying acronym that I hope you all follow when you go out and you party.
	Say you're going to Westfest or South by Southwest or some major bachelor party that's three days or something.
	Actually, bachelor parties are different because no one's trying to get laid per se.
	Number one, don't cock block.
	So the way I talk, two guys can hit on a girl.
	That's fine.
	But you don't ram the boat.
	You're two speedboats going in the same direction.
	You try your best.
	You hit the throttle.
	You try to be funny.
	You can sort of tell who she's into.
	And once it's clear that you're losing and she's more into this guy, you just take the speedboat and you go, you zoom away.
	Turn right.
	You're allowed to go for the same chick, but you're not allowed to go, you know, he has herpes or some shit thing like that.
	No.
	So number one rule of parting, don't cock block.
	Only 13 hours.
	If you start at noon, you have to stop at 1 a.m.
	I don't care how fun things are.
	If you start at 9 a.m. or 10 a.m. and you have Bloody Mary at brunch, well, then you better be done at 10 p.m.
	Sorry.
	That's too much booze.
	D-O.
	W, water aplenty.
	And you can see in the lower thirds here, I've spelled it all out.
	Downer.
	D-O-W-N-E-R.
	So water aplenty.
	I know it sounds gay, and it is gay to have like a beer and then be like, could I go to water, please?
	And then just have a water for one of your beers?
	No, no, no.
	Just like whenever you can grab it, just get it into your body.
	So if you're doing shots, maybe try not to be seen, but like just grab a water and just chug it if you can.
	Don't be like very regimented about it, but if it pops in your head, go, oh yeah, water.
	And throw water into your body.
	D-O-W.
	And never after.
	This has changed over the years.
	But it used to be never after four.
	Now, I haven't partied in a long time, but never after three.
	Like, nothing fun happens at 3.20 a.m.
	Everyone's fucking wasted.
	Even if you end up fucking a girl, it's probably rape at this point.
	She's going to be all sloppy and just stop the partying.
	Even if you started at midnight, you got three hours.
	Stop at three.
	And I might even be wrong about three.
	We might even go down to two at some point.
	This is malleable.
	E, eat your dinner.
	I know you missed breakfast.
	I know you missed lunch.
	I know you're not hungry because you did some bumps, but you got to get a cheeseburger in that body of yours.
	You just have to.
	I'm sorry.
	Squeeze it in.
	So eat your dinner.
	Just reminding me, I think I'm late for an appointment.
	Sorry, that's not very good TV.
	And then the last one, of course, is regulate your bumps.
	Now, I know you went to the Puerto Rican's apartment and he lifted up his wrestling trophy and he gave you some Coke.
	A lot of times people just do Coke because there's Coke in their pocket.
	and this takes incredible maturity, but you have to sit there and go, Do I really want this Coke?
	And I'm not advocating for drug use, I don't do Coke, but I'm saying if you were doing it, this is something you should keep in mind: that I've already done like 10 bumps.
	I'm actually just killing my booze buzz right now.
	So I think I should regulate it.
	No, I'm not going to do a bump.
	I don't really need one.
	Don't do it just because it's there.
	You don't sit in a chair just because it's on the road.
	You'll get hit by a car.
	So that is downer.
	Thank you for asking.
	And then, oh, you put that on the screen?
	Good work.
	Let's get to the final video.
	All right.
	What have we got here?
	Oh, LARPing is gay, right?
	All that, like, you've got foam noodle swords and stuff.
	People accuse prowboys of being LARPers, which I don't understand.
	They're not acting.
	They have metal plates there, steel plates.
	They get stabbed.
	Noble Beard got home.
	He took off his plates and there were stab marks and then they saved his life.
	The helmets, people are throwing bricks and shit.
	The gas masks, there's all kinds of fucking pepper spray and shit going on.
	Lauren Southern says that.
	She goes, I went to this rally.
	I felt like an idiot LARPer with my helmet and my goggles and my gas mask and my plates.
	But I ended up using them all.
	So it's, yeah, that's not LARPing to dress up like that at a rally.
	As far as live-action role-playing in the dictionary definition, yeah, it can be pretty gay.
	But this doesn't look like that.
	This is here in New York.
	They dress up as, I don't know, medieval Brits, and they just fight.
	But they really fight.
	And it's steel.
	I'm all for this.
	This is the best of both worlds, the best of fighting, and then the best of like historical reenactments.
	Come on, bitch, let's do this.
	It's kind of weird to hear knights of the round table go, what, bitch?
	What you gonna do?
	I wonder if they have a safe word.
	I still think we should go to the Renaissance fair.
	You, me, and Maddie.
	Okay.
	Yeah.
	So even if people think you're uncool, you can still have fun.
	That's nothing to do with what we're talking about, Ryan.
	It's the video of the fight that is the final video.
	Have a fun weekend, dudes.
	Get in the fight.
	Get laid.
	Get off your phone.
	Get involved.
	Get into it.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	And never stop fighting.

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