All Episodes
Previous Next
Aug. 1, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
55:29
GOML LIVE #159 - BLIND OR PARALYZED (Part 1)

The guys discuss the newly announced Sino-Russo reserve currency, Matty regales us with stories of guns and nearly dying, and for some reason Ryan is wearing only a bulletproof vest.

| Copy link to current segment

Time Text
It ain't gonna save me, it ain't gonna save me, no hope.
It ain't gonna save me, it ain't gonna save me, no hope.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGinnis.
It ain't gonna save me, no hope.
I took a walk the other day and thought about how things used to be.
And then a cloud came in the sky, and she showed me that I don't know why.
And since that day, I've never been the same.
Tired and lonely, with no one's blame.
And in this bedroom... - That was Jay Reitard.
What was that song?
Come Save Me?
I think his big shit was, My Shadow!
My Shadow!
It ain't gonna save me.
It ain't gonna save me.
I think that guy died of coke, which is pretty fuckin' rare.
Yeah.
Pretty fuckin' rare.
I've probably done enough to kill eight horses in my lifetime.
You can have a heart attack, I guess, but I think he was out.
Ladies and gentlemen, Matty O'Dell is back once again.
The co-host of GOML Live.
We also have Ryan Katsu Rivera.
A man who is wearing a bulletproof vest and nothing else.
He's rough.
How would Jack describe him at the pub?
He's slow, he's special, he's touched, he's a simple man.
That's it.
Jack describes people like Ryan as simple men.
I feel like I'm a dode.
I think that's a politically correct way to refer to you, Ryan.
In the South they would say bless his heart.
Bless his heart.
He is a good person, ultimately.
Yeah.
And he can feed himself, and he washes his balls and stuff.
I'm preparing myself to forgive you.
You know what clip you're gonna take from Withnail and I?
Is, uh... You need workin' on, boy!
I don't remember that part.
It's the poacher talking to Withnail and him, and every time I'm being a pussy, in my own head, I'll just be like, You need workin' on, boy!
We have a new sponsor here.
Exciting.
Silk City Hot Sauce.
The G-Sauce.
Did I send you this, Ryan?
Now, I'm reading a script here, so it's not going to sound like me, but let me just do me first.
Grammarly correct?
It is a hot sauce called the G sauce, and it is a spicy sauce that encapsulates everything about this show, but in a hot sauce.
And if you have hot sauce in your cupboard, wouldn't it be cool to have a little Gav sauce?
We're going to get this a Gavstav, actually.
Nice.
All right, so that's me being sincere.
Let me read the ad copy here.
I have an announcement.
I have my own hot sauce, the G-Sauce.
There are only 500 bottles, so grab yours quick.
G-Sauce is made by Silk City Hot Sauce, and it's the signature hot sauce of GOML, obviously.
It's funny that picture I was trying to be incognito at a Project Veritas event so I dressed sort of like a Vermont redneck and then someone took a picture of me and I guess that's become my photograph so that becomes a ended up achieving the opposite of what I wanted to achieve.
Featuring a blend of smoked Merida Oh, I'm excited about this.
That is pretty cool.
- Melons, garlic, scallion, and sweet roasted red peppers.
It is a solid medium heat, slightly sweet and smoky sauce.
Perfect for eggs, chicken, steak, and breakfast tacos.
Oh, I'm excited about this. - That is pretty cool.
- Yeah, I want this to be at our kitchen table. - We'll have to try it in Matty's Sheetal'o Kitchen.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
What's the next Matty's Shitty Little Kitchen?
I did a London broil, baked potato, and Brussels sprouts with honey balsamic glaze.
So there's nothing spicy about any of that?
No, no spices.
But you did have a little bit of a kick to the meatloaf.
Yes, red pepper flakes.
Red pepper flakes.
Well, you should have had some G-Sauce.
The G-Sauce is available at SilkCityHotSauce.com.
Use the discount code GAVIN for 15% off.
Buy a single bottle or buy a three-pack.
These things are flying off the shelf.
Not sure that's true.
They're just announced today, but okay.
Silkcityhotsauce.com, promo code Gavin, 15% off your order.
You know you want my sauce?
I don't like that.
That's a weird cum joke when you're selling food.
I don't really approve of that.
We have more sauces coming.
We currently have a Christmas sauce being developed with Silk City Hot Sauce.
Stay tuned.
Silkcityhotsauce.com, promo code Gavin, 15% off.
Hang on one second.
Okay.
This vessel's a little deeper.
New vessel.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Mix this thoroughly.
And... Even this one's a little small, but it's deeper, so... And bang!
And bang!
That's the scary part.
You don't know when it's coming.
Lovely.
Bang!
Here's the music.
Oh, yeah.
It's coming right now.
Holy smokes!
That's called thermal shock.
I love how confused you are.
Yeah, I was not expecting that.
Whatsoever.
Let's see it again.
All right.
I like to go frame by frame on it.
Let me see if I can get the original file out so I can scrub.
Yeah, let's do frame by frame.
Because I duck out like a schoolgirl.
Yeah, you jump back pretty well.
Yeah.
Ducking out like a schoolgirl.
I was hit.
Oh, no.
I believe I was hit.
Ryan, we had no idea you were hit.
Here we go.
I love how you didn't throw that out, though.
We took about an inch or two off the whole top of the... And I don't think it was even necessary, too.
I'm not sure that's 100%, but okay.
No, you would have been safe.
I ate it all.
Me, Io, and Ryan.
I think my boxing skills are gonna get because I get hit and then I duck out.
And you know what sucked?
Those glass shards were fucking piping hot.
Oh yeah.
Oh shit.
Because Pyrex dissipates the heat so the whole dish gets hot.
That's why it exploded like not just like one little section and it was like a big plate left over.
Like the whole thing exploded.
What is Pyrex?
Well you know back in the day that's what they used to cook kraken.
Really?
But what is it?
It's just like a special kind of glass?
Yeah.
But what's special about it?
It's cooked at different levels?
I'm not 100% sure.
It's just the brand name is Pyrex.
Oh, it's the brand name.
Yeah, of course it's the brand name, but like what makes it special?
All that stuff.
It's very heat, you know, conducts heat well.
Yeah.
Why?
How?
Science.
A line of clear low thermal expansion borosilicate glass used for laboratory glassware kitchenware.
Okay, so it's a... How'd they come across that?
Yeah, how'd they come across anything?
Well, I know how they came across post-it notes.
They were trying to make the most intense industrial glue they could find and they ended up making pussy glue.
And they're like, actually this could be good.
If you just want to stick it on a thing and take it off and leave no mark.
Let's embrace the pussy glue, which is what I said the day after I lost my virginity.
You know the way this works, folks.
Thursday is a special day.
It is the day of the people.
We get back in touch with our roots.
You call us.
You tell us we suck.
We look at letters.
You explain why we suck.
We also have the super chat.
Now the super chat Is you pay money we read whatever you we read most of them, but we hundred percent guarantee We'll read the things that are over a hundred bucks and the fun thing about the super chat is 100% of that money.
I will not touch a dime goes to Max and John Now we haven't given it to them yet.
I've been giving them money for, remember the doodles we did for a while?
They got all that money, but I want to give them like a big bag of cash when they get out of jail.
And I don't, I have no idea what we're up to with these super chats.
Let me just ask Ray now, live on the air.
Here's one for a hundred bucks coming in, let's see.
And then we give all that money to them.
How much are the Super Chats?
How much have... I've asked him before.
He's not really great.
It's a problem with fucking Indians.
How much have we raised with the Super Chats?
Here we go.
Would you rather be blind or paraplegic?
For $100, Bryce.
Blind.
Bryce is the guy offering a job to John when he gets out, by the way.
He says he doesn't need shit.
Oh, cool.
He's that welder in the... Up in Rhode Island or... Something.
New England or whatever.
Blind.
That's a pretty good one.
Blind.
You're just going blind like that, man?
Yeah, 100%.
Yeah.
I had a cellmate that was a... was a... when I was in the infirmary.
He couldn't... he broke his back, like mid-back.
And it was fucking... No dick.
Yeah, that's a good point.
A blind guy can get a blowjob and it's awesome.
A blind guy can pretty much be mobile.
I know, but I love beauty.
Tomorrow's episode is all about hot chicks on the right.
I think your imagination.
You can't move?
Your imagination is better.
Well the other good thing about being blind now is you've seen shit.
So, like, say you were to meet a girl and you're single.
You're like, what are you?
And she's like, I'm Iranian.
OK, I know that kind of level of beauty.
I know what you look like.
Snooki is the worst case scenario.
Snooki.
You feel her face.
You feel her tits.
And you're like, I remember chicks like you.
And now when you're fucking her, you can.
A mental picture.
You can, you can, what?
A mental picture.
Well, yeah, but I'm talking about looks and stuff.
So now when you're fucking her, you can imagine pretty well what she looks like.
You could be like, but yeah, I think Matty's right.
Paraplegic, no dick, no legs.
And, you know, a blind guy.
I'm a firm believer in a man's facility, a man's ability to command things.
No, I'm not going with you guys.
No, I'm going over here.
Right.
No, we're going over there.
You know, that's that really is what defines a man.
They have a sense of liberty and freedom.
He still has an essence of independence.
Yeah.
Do you want to do the show blind?
Well, I'm blind right now.
But the guy I had looking at our house in Costa Rica, the sort of house sitter, he was like, I live in a prison, a tropical prison.
And I said, fuck you, you bitch.
Your life is awesome.
But now that I'm older, I realize what he was saying.
Like, he couldn't go to his mother's funeral in Chicago.
He was on the lam for pot shit.
He couldn't go to his mother's funeral.
He didn't have freedom.
If he got pulled over for drunk driving, he was completely fucked up the ass.
So he always had that sort of Damocles over his head, and that's not what men like.
I'm sure women don't love it either, but I feel like with men there's more pain there.
So, I mean, I've been blind for over a minute now, and it's not great.
Not great.
Well, my name is Ryan.
I'm sitting here in a blue dress.
You're wearing a blue dress?
Yes.
Are you a man or a woman?
My pronouns are they them and I'm wearing a blue dress.
Okay.
You open your eyes.
I took it off before you saw me.
My name is Gavin.
I'm wearing an ironic t-shirt that talks about queefs but a common sort of 80s monster truck thing that culture was like I don't break for faggots or something but in this iteration of it we're talking about queefs and we're referring to if you're having sex with a woman and she was to go Outer pussy.
Would you stop and be like, oh no, what the hell was that?
Or would you keep on going?
And we're of the ilk where you wouldn't even acknowledge it.
Didn't happen.
Just air.
Just air.
So we don't break for quees.
I'd love to explain that to a blind guy.
The drawing is very cartoony.
It's a monster truck.
There's like a hot rod rat guy.
Do you know hot rod?
I guess you don't know the hot rod sort of genre of cartooning.
There's a chick with huge tits.
You probably know what tits are.
She's a redhead.
There's a bong and a Budweiser.
It's available at censored.tv.
He's blind and angry.
Blind people are dicks.
The fuck a titch?
Deaf people are nice.
Hi, what are you doing?
They're like lesbians who get laid.
Blind people are assholes.
They're like fags who don't get laid.
My dad used to work at a hotel in Scotland and everyone would fight to take the day off when a blind group was coming.
They're always complaining, they're always mad at the world, which I get.
I'd be pretty pissed off too if God denied me eyeballs.
We'd like to thank Fop Metals for supporting the show.
This show is free because of sponsors like FOP Medals who have been here since day one.
The government isn't sure if we're in a recession or not.
They said we were, they said we weren't, they keep changing the definition of recession.
It's clear things are going real bad.
Because we gave everyone a ton of money, like an idiocracy.
Remember when George Orwell's 1984 and Mike Judge's Idiocracy were interesting works of fiction that have no bearing on reality?
Well, those days are gone.
Those are both documentaries now, and we are in them.
We gave everyone thousands of dollars not to go to work, and then we had a problem finding people to work, believe it or not.
We overprinted money.
We just kept printing it and printing it.
And believe it or not, the dollar went down in value.
The left's justification for all this is, yeah, but it's bad in Europe, too.
Yeah, you may have also fucked up.
And congratulations for that, by the way.
But we've fucked up royally.
And now we have no economic certainty.
So I believe it makes sense to allot at least some of your savings to precious metals.
Cash them in if you change your mind.
Cash in the silver, cash in the gold, but allot some of your money to FopMetals.com, P-H-A-U-P, not F-O-P, P-H-A-U-P-Metals.com, promo code Gavin.
They've got all kinds of commemorative coins.
It's really unlimited how much you can spend on silver and gold and these precious metals.
But I think you would be remiss not to at least impart some of your savings to precious metals in these times of economic uncertainty.
So tomorrow we're devoting most of the show to hot chicks on the right.
And I just, I think I forgot someone.
It's pre-taped because I'm going to be out of town.
But um, I forgot this chick, Cassandra something, she works at News.
Amanda.
Amanda Milius, yes.
I forgot her.
But Cassandra, she's a boxer and she's Asian-y.
Castro!
Cassandra Castro?
That sounds, I mean, Spanish.
Yeah, she's part Spanish.
Cuban.
That's the best one.
God must want us to mix.
If he's, uh... If he's doing shit like that.
Maybe Castro is in her name?
It's funny when you're trying to remember.
Cara... I got it.
Cara Castronova.
Castronova?
Yes.
Ex-boxer.
If your boner isn't already big enough.
Wait, what are you doing?
Cara Castronova.
Wait, is it that chick?
The MMA fighter that was in Mandalorian?
No, I don't know why they keep showing her.
Yeah.
Look at that!
That is a fucking treat and a half, boys.
She's in the golden gloves there.
She's running for office.
What does she do now?
She does right-wing news.
Oh, nice.
Look at that.
That's a 10.
Why is she so linked to Gina Carano, I wonder?
Because she's a female conservative fighter.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gina Carano got fired from Disney and all that.
Right, because she made a Nazi analogy.
It wasn't even offensive.
She said, the way you're treating conservatives is not unlike the way they treated Jews during World War II.
And they're like, you're done.
And they use that all the time.
They use that nonstop.
It's becoming a deal-breaker for me, by the way.
Anyone who uses a Hitler analogy, I'm just like, I gotta go.
That's a deal-breaker for me.
Another deal-breaker is, um, you're gonna get raped in prison, haha.
And when I say deal-breaker, I mean, I don't wanna talk to that person anymore, I don't wanna listen to them, I'm done with this discussion.
This is a 10.
I never watched female boxing.
Female boxing is actually, as far as female sports go, it's one of the...
Better female sports.
You know what I mean?
We've watched female MMA before, Matty.
Yeah, big fight this weekend, Saturday.
Yeah, it's... I'm a little uncomfortable seeing a woman have her head kicked in.
Especially when it's someone like, what's her name, Fox the Tranny.
That's not very pleasant.
And I assume they're both lesbians, whenever I see it go down.
Yeah, that's Golden Gloves boxing right there.
But this isn't bad.
The way female basketball and female soccer is terrible.
Actually, this looks pretty bad.
I'm saying that's, Aaron, that's Golden Gloves.
Those punches don't look painful at all.
Go ahead.
I would not, if I was fighting these girls, I would not have my hands up.
I guess the battle is waiting for the other chick to get tired and then hopefully don't throw too tired of a punch.
I guess with female boxing it's about getting as many- look at those punches, Jesus Lord.
Those are terrible.
They don't look remotely painful, do they?
Is the headgear just to keep their hair in place?
I don't know if it's mandatory in the Golden Globes, but most people wear headgear.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, it's, it's, they wear it in the amateurs, yeah.
By the way, it turns out we got some intel from a baby monster of sorts, a very elite baby monster, that Pyrex isn't thermal shockproof anymore, and here's what you need to know.
Right, that's why I said it was thermal shock.
Yep.
If you've been a long-time user of Pyrex, you deserve to know that the company changed the quality of its glass years ago, which caused it to be less resilient than we thought.
The brand has been a kitchenware staple for over a hundred years with its glass cookware measuring cups and more that could withstand temperature changes.
But in 1998, the Pyrex brand changed the type of glass used for its US, I can't see, products.
The brand first used brosilicate glass, which could withstand thermal shock, i.e.
the glass wouldn't shatter due to strong temperature changes.
The new glass was soda-lime glass, which is strong, But it hasn't stopped people's Pyrex glass products from breaking from time to time.
CookingLate also calls out the fact that if you have vintage Pyrex glassware that's over 20 years old, it's a hot commodity.
That old casserole dish is sufficiently heat resistant and thermal shockproof and will withstand even the most extreme temperature changes since it's of the original glass.
That's sort of like my, I told you about my dishwasher downstairs at Gavstaff.
I put anything in there.
I could put an abortion in there.
It comes out sparkly.
It comes out looking like it's a brand new glass I got from a glass shop.
My super expensive brand new dishwasher upstairs.
Dude, I was typing it in the other day.
Normal cycle.
Three hours.
Jesus Christ.
Can you imagine how much glassware you could wash in three fucking hours?
I could do two restaurants.
Three hours!
I do most of my, I mean in my house, I do everything by hand.
It takes no time!
I don't care what you got!
Give me baked on lasagna, like a crazy Thanksgiving dinner, would be, back before we had dishwashers, I remember it, it would be like... There, oh, it would be, wait, wait, wait, it would be, it would be, wait, wait for it!
40 to 45 minutes.
45 minutes.
Oh.
What the fuck are you wearing, dude?
Body armor.
A bulletproof vest?
Shoot me.
Is it bulletproof?
Yep.
Kill me.
I'd love to shoot you.
Kill me.
And why no shirt?
It takes away the coolness of the armor, I believe.
I disagree.
Strongly.
Passionately.
With extreme fervor.
Can I tell you about Shrinkflation?
We're talking about this casserole dish.
They don't make them like they used to anymore, folks.
The Choco Taco being... Sorry, it's what?
- Sorry, it's what? - Discomitant. - It's what? - Discomitant. - Whatever. - I was, Vice-Principal of the Brackton Bargain.
Not this and then you'd.
The King Kong.
Remember we used to make fun of African politicians?
In the beginning.
He didn't even say that.
That was a fake meme.
Biden is worse than African politicians.
He did say this.
This is my consent about your house.
Each time when I come here, I am abused.
Each time when I come here, I am abused.
Yeah, we're abused by your grammar.
So, we're even.
What do you mean you're abused?
I'm abusing.
Someone slaps you?
Says, where's my fucking dinner, bitch?
From toilet paper to candy bars, companies hide rising costs by shrinking the size of everyday products.
Here's what they look like.
Now this is a cool list, and you've probably noticed this.
But Walmart Great Value paper towels went from 168 sheets to only 120.
What are you doing, Ryan?
Prices stayed the same.
When did this become Consumer Reports?
This is boring.
Just letting you know.
Look at this.
Why did you hijack the show to talk about the size of a Hershey's Kiss?
What are you doing?
This is real people blue-collar stuff.
Yeah, you don't have permission to hijack the show with your boring consumer reports.
I figured the Pyrex convo was... Pyrex we could deal with, that's relevant to the show.
But now, the size of a tin of cat food?
And a tin of tat food, too.
And by the way, I saw you on Matty's show call peas corn.
That's...
That's not... That's true.
True.
Who the fuck?
He said I'm going to put the potatoes and the corn.
Let me give you a life tip.
Okay.
If the corn that you're eating is green and perfectly spherical, it's a pea.
Oh.
Yeah.
If it's yellow and it burns your tongue, it's urine.
Okay.
Now I'm going to take a really particularly juicy piece, mix it with the taters, a little bit of corn.
Those are peas, pal.
What a meathead.
I said corn!
Those are peas, pal.
What a pea brain.
Those are peas, pal.
Who looks at peas and goes, little bit of corn?
Little bit of corn?
Who's in the moment?
I'm a real big New Metal fan.
What a fucking meathead.
We have a little more super chatage here.
Alright, let's do the super chats.
Okay.
Any second now.
Ryan, shut up!
You don't have a normal IQ!
You think that peas are corn and vice versa.
And then as Larry Barnes would say, and versa vice.
Ryan, don't post this.
Don't post this.
Look up on YouTube Jacob Zuma each time when I come here.
I'm abused.
We've just played that.
Thank you, Ryan.
And I showed it, sorry.
Okay, good work.
Good work, Ryguy.
Thank you for contributing to the show.
I want that guy to get credit.
Let's, um... Well, if they ask not to get credit, maybe don't give them credit.
Here's a good one, actually.
Yes, I know Kev1 very well from Bulldoze.
What's Bulldoze?
It's a hardcore band.
Oh.
He used to be in, you know, DMS and he was a member of my charter, actually.
He was a member of New Rock Hells Angels?
Yeah.
Give us the juice.
Give us the gas.
Well, his name is Kevin, Kev1.
He was the lead singer of Bulldoze.
And I spoke to him actually about two or three days ago.
Really?
Of course.
Is he still in the club?
No, he's living down in South Carolina.
And why did he leave the club?
I'm not 100% sure.
It was after your time?
No, he left before me.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Now I notice you're very diplomatic and careful when the club, the motorcycle club, comes up.
I'm reluctant to even say its name.
Always.
But can you still give us some juice?
Any goss?
I mean, uh, he left before me.
Uh, I'm still in touch with him.
Like I said, I spoke to him literally like two days ago.
Yeah, that's not interesting.
We want gossip.
Um, I don't know what much is going on.
I mean, he's still, he's selling his t-shirt collection of hardcore t-shirts.
Does he have any allergies?
I don't know.
Okay.
But yeah, I mean, I don't want to say his last name, but his first name is Kevin.
He's married, got two kids, lives in South Carolina.
Great dude.
Good dude.
What kind of motorcycle did he hook up with when he moved down there?
He's been away.
What?
Been to state prison in New York and all that good stuff.
For what?
Assault.
Did about four years for it.
You know, big dude.
Good stand-up guy.
He's got a bad temper?
At times, yeah.
Does he have a genome?
Was the assault that he went to jail for... Should he have beat the shit out of that guy?
Okay, here's my thing.
Here we go.
His hardcore name is Kev1.
Right.
But his nickname that everyone knows him in the street is called Breeze.
Febreze.
No, Breeze.
Just Breeze.
Oh, Breeze.
Yeah.
I thought it was Febreze because he's always so clean.
So fresh and so clean.
But yeah, he's a good friend of mine.
So why is he called Breeze?
Yeah, I don't know why.
And I think I know why!
And I think I don't know why!
How do you get your nickname?
I don't know.
Someone gives it to you.
Well, we know why you're called Baby Monster.
Yeah, I know, you know.
Because you have the dimensions of a baby and a very short fuse.
Yeah, but I have multiple.
I have, like, Shortstack, Itty Bitty, Little Angry Guy, Head and Shoulders, Matty No-Neck.
I got a slew of them.
Matty BT?
Yeah.
Matty Blowtorch, yeah.
Why would you call Matty Blowtorch?
Maybe I ran a blowtorch up someone's feet or inside of their face.
You use a blowtorch as a torture device.
Map device.
Map gas, yeah.
Blowtorch.
I see.
Years ago.
As one does.
As one does.
Sometimes you need to extract information.
Oh, I got some exciting news.
So we got Vegas and Dallas coming up.
I want to say to people on the West Coast, we're not doing the West Coast for a long fucking time.
So if you're in LA, San Francisco, anywhere that's remotely near Las Vegas, I would highly recommend you come to the Las Vegas Show.
It's going to be super fun, action jam-packed, and then we're going to be out partying with you.
Come play poker with us, blackjack, we're going to be painting the town red the whole night of September 10th.
TinyURL.com, censored live.
So, West Coasters, we will make it down to California, Orange County at some point in 2023, but as far as getting on the Cognitive Dissidence Tour, this is your opportunity.
And Ryan has put together a pretty impressive update on our previous sizzle reel that I'd like to show you.
Nice!
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting!
Violent protests over a speaker on campus here.
Fuck you, Normie.
He is apparently a Canadian writer, actor, comedian.
He's the co-founder of Vice.
Go fuck another vagina, you gross pigs.
Serious XF pulling the plug on Anthony Cumia this week.
You got big fucking tits.
I watched that and I said, this chick's too retarded to fuck.
You shouldn't do it.
They take anything you say and then fucking twist it around.
This is the part of Seth that's going to get real mean before I leave.
No more!
Filthy You They think we want to tell those kind of jokes I think Seems exciting, huh?
Yeah, cinematic.
All right, let's advertise our last sponsor, which is Johnny Apple CBD.
They've been with us since day one.
Fantastic sponsor.
Selling us hemp products without the THC, without the illegal parts.
You've got your tincture taking the edge out of your coffee.
You've got your topicals.
Helping your aching bones.
Ladies, if you're wearing high heel shoes, put those on.
You've got the gummies that make you sleep through the night and have fucking amazing dreams.
Like, you should probably bring some popcorn to bed so you can sit there and watch the incredible trilogy of adventure and science fiction that goes on in your brain when you take a gummy before going to bed.
There's also the, I've never tried this, but Ryan's a huge enthusiast of the vapes.
The little cartridges, right Ryan?
That's your area of expertise?
Yeah, yeah.
I love all things vape.
And, um, you know, this one has a skull and crossbones on it.
This one will get you ripped.
This one won't.
This one will just relax you.
And trust me, after these boxing workouts, you could use a little bit of poof.
I'll puff now.
Wait, so after you work out boxing, uh, you smoke a really potent non THC hemp vape from johnnyapple.com.
Yeah.
It calms down your muscles and it chills you out.
Calms down your muscles.
Okay.
So you're not watching this show for scientific facts.
You're watching the show for, uh, opinions and experience.
And apparently this guy thinks that, uh, Smoking Johnny Apple calms down his muscles.
We don't know what the fuck that means.
But if you go to johnnyapple.com, use promo code GAVIN, you will get a 15% discount, like with all our sponsors.
And my pitch with this is, if you're a CBD guy, why get CBD from someone who doesn't support free speech?
What if you're buying CBD from someone who thinks Biden is really good at speaking English, and Kamala Harris has some great sayings?
Why are you pouring money into asshole retard culture?
Why not pour money into someone who's supported free speech since day one?
I'm not saying they're political, but they are against political correctness.
And they're clearly supporting something that could get them in trouble, and they don't give a shit.
They happily support this show, and we appreciate them for it.
Much like Nina Fashions.
Who has also been there since day one.
So thank you JohnnyApple.com and folks at home, please support JohnnyApple.com.
Support Johnny Apple CBD.
Use promo code Gavin to get 15% off.
It's fucking awesome.
All right, let's do the mailbag interstitial and then that gives us permission to harness all three avenues of Input, which is super chats, the mailbag, and the calls.
There's probably another one I'm not even thinking of.
Okay, that seems pretty chaotic.
Let me touch it.
Okay, that seems pretty chaotic.
What do we got here?
Let's look at that.
Let's put in Matty, because a lot of people will send us messages on, like, Friday.
And by the time Thursday rolls around, the Matty message is long gone.
This is to you, Matty.
Your boy's got a few recommendations.
Beef stew.
Oh, yeah, that's coming in the winter.
Philly cheesesteak.
Chopped cheese, yeah.
My problem with Philly cheesesteak is I hate American cheese.
I don't even think it's... Traditionally, it's provolone.
Is there any dairy in... Oh, it's traditionally provolone?
Yeah.
Because when you get it in Philly, it's that movie theater cheese, that fucking orange garbage.
Is that even cheese?
No, it's probably like plastic.
Yeah, I don't think there's dairy in it.
Like a molecule made from plastic.
It's like maraschino cherries.
American cheese, yellow and white, are like molecules away from plastic.
Not real dairy.
I'm never buying popcorn at a movie theater.
When I do Philly cheesesteaks, I use Provolone.
Now, here's a question.
Are maraschino cherries man-made?
I'm not 100% sure.
I use Luxador.
I think they're completely artificial, like 100%.
They look like, they're like radiating red, like neon.
Yeah, they're blinding.
Like I use, like, uh, the cherries I use in drinks, like Manhattans or Old Fashioneds and stuff, are Luxador.
What do you mean when you use them?
At your home bar?
You have MatzTav?
Well, you know, I've been known to make a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned every now and then.
Where?
On vacation and stuff like that.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
I don't really drink at my home.
No, you don't.
No.
I don't keep any beer or alcohol, actually.
I actually have some homemade rum that was brought up from the South I got yesterday.
From, uh, it's like moonshine.
It looks clear.
But it's actually rum made from molasses and stuff.
Who brought that up?
Billy.
Oh.
Nicole's, uh, husband.
So wait, are those cherries, real cherries from real life?
Luxador, yeah.
After the cherries are pitted, they're placed in large vats, where they receive their coveted color and flavor.
Oh, okay.
So those at least are real.
I guess I'm wrong?
Yeah, but it's artificially colored.
That's fine, I don't mind that.
They just have to come from a real thing.
Ryan, look up Luxador.
Cherries.
Just a...
To continue this request, Matty.
Yes.
He wants some kind of tacos.
That's boring.
I don't know.
I love traditional tacos, but... I fucking hate Mexican food.
I think it's all stupid.
And it's hard to eat.
There you go.
Those are the real deal.
Those are some dark cherries.
That's like $20 a jar for that little jar.
Something in a slow cooker, this person says.
I'll do split pea soup with ham hocks.
I love corn soup.
Am I the only guy that gets horny when you say split pea soup with ham hocks in it?
Oh, it's phenomenal.
Isn't that what heterosexual sex is?
Phenomenal.
Smoked ham hocks.
Okay, this guy is getting way too much attention for such a shitty email, but... And questions slash requests for both Matty and Ryan.
I'm not invited to this.
Uh-oh.
What is your favorite beer, gentlemen?
This is gay.
I drink Budweiser.
On a regular.
Can you juggle?
He wants you to juggle.
No.
What is 7 x 13, Matty?
7 x 13?
7 times 13, Matty. 7 times 13?
Yep.
Yep.
It's 121.
That's a good technique.
You just used Gavin's technique.
7 times 13?
What are you, a madman?
You just asked the question again?
Yeah, you're right.
So 7 times 10 is 70.
7 times 3 is 21.
It's 91.
So it's 91.
Ah, shit.
Never do math in public.
No.
You know how much salt that would have been?
Oh my god, it came out of my nose.
We got a spit take.
That's the first spit take on the show, I believe.
Wait, what did you say I missed that?
I said that, you know how much salt that would have been?
Oh, because of the brine.
Oh my god, that beer came out of my nose.
That is awesome.
First spit take.
This is for Maddie as well as Bossman and Horseshack.
Was this biker approved back in the day?
Circa 2005 I thought this man was a god.
Now I am questioning my own taste and morals.
Could it be why I chose a shitty musician husband from a lady and a few wasted years after with the same type?
Or is he the sexiest badass motherfucker who can sing his ass off?
No worries, Gav.
I raised kids till adulthood with the hubby.
So I guess she's no longer with this guy.
And the song is Crazy Bitch from Buck Cherry.
Buck Cherry's great.
This is called Maddie Is This Gay or an Example of the Best Cocaine.
But why is she asking Maddie?
Is this a Hells Angels song?
Well, Buck Cherry, their first major single was I Love the Cocaine.
Oh.
But does that have anything to do with Hells Angels?
No.
But was she married to the lead singer?
Oh.
No.
So how would I know about her husband?
Yeah, I thought it was like a Hells Angels band.
That would be a good question.
No.
Buck Cherry.
He married some super hot model though.
That's a dumb...
I want to get letters that are for you.
But I'm also reading non-screen letters that are fucking garbage.
Any relation to Maraschino or Luxador?
Make me feel alright We're so grateful to be a part of Crew Fest Molly Crew We want to give a shout out to all the bands here today tonight Any relation to Maraschino or Luxordor?
Give a round of applause, give some love for everybody, give it up This is garbage This band sucks.
Oh, he's jerking off with the microphone.
Oh, how cool.
Look at his stupid shoes.
He looks like the default singer and guitar hero.
He looks so L.A.
This is why I hate L.A.
This band is so L.A.
They had two massive hits like this.
Crazy Bitch and I Love the Cocaine.
This is the song that, like... Look at his retarded tattoos.
Dude, we've been ready.
I'm not ready to get sexy, no.
No, we're not.
Men aren't sexy, you moron.
Ew.
Salt shaker.
Like a fucking salt shaker.
This is horrible.
I hate these guys' parents.
They're heroin sheep.
I hate their parking spot.
I hate the person who washes their socks.
Look at that, playing the fucking neck of a guitar.
I hate the short order cook who made their fucking carrots.
I've never watched Buckcherry before.
They've never been part of my life.
Yeah, they are good guitar heroes.
He looks like the lead singer of the... Yeah, they look like a band from Guitar Hero.
Great point, Ryan.
Finally, you say something that's not retarded.
Thank you, sir.
They are pure Guitar Hero.
Holy shit!
I mean, the Dragon Age wrote a song out for, like, hours.
It's their big hit, man.
I mean, you know.
Look at his sexy dance.
There's nothing worse than men being sexy.
I love the crazy.
I mean, I love the cocaine is a bigger hit than that.
Like, what's his name?
Bruno Mars?
With his little fedora?
Don't believe me, just watch!
What's worse than men being sexy?
Like, I honestly prefer drag queens and trannies.
At least they have already lost their minds.
But a man?
A man being a sexy guy?
Fucking singing about sex is fucking gross.
Like that song, you can leave your hat on.
Oh, he's rapping.
You want to rehearse that?
This is kindergarten.
This is bad.
This is a daycare.
Jesus.
This is not acceptable.
I disavow Buck Cherry.
The Doors used to do shit just like this, but it's just, it was good because Doors suck.
You're torturing us, Ryan.
What's up?
This is torture.
This is bad, yeah.
This is hell.
You know who else acts sexy?
Fucking this guy, rest in peace.
David Lee Roth?
What's his name again?
David Letterman?
Yes.
Yeah, I'm so sick of him constantly acting sexy.
You're not sexy, Dave.
Stone Temple Pilots.
Bye bye!
He was always a sexy, slithering man.
This is the joke at the end of that Jack Black movie, Cello it's a bass school of rock, where they lose to the sexy band.
It's been well established that male sexy singers, remember that guy?
He had a shirt that was like leather sleeves and then the front of it didn't exist.
Scott Weiland?
I think it was a fuck you to Scott Weiland.
But it's the band at the end of School of Rock that they lose to.
Oh, yeah, let me see.
Terrible?
Alright, while you find that, because it's worth checking out, we should start taking calls.
Actually, let's say goodbye.
Let's say goodbye to...
People here are supposed to do a Need of Fashions read.
I'll do that on Monday.
Fantastic clothing store.
They make all my suits.
They make life worth living.
Especially in the summer when they make you a nice linen suit or a light blue thin suit where you can go to work.
Needoffashions.com.
Check them out.
I'll do a more serious read later.
Yep, I appreciate that, Ryan.
But I also want to find this sexy guy.
I love sexy guys.
Looking for the sex mask.
The big show, five minutes, we might be able to find that there.
Ah, let's see.
Just like competition winners, School of Rock.
If you wanna see the pinch of pain, baby you just better forget it.
I cried like a bitch in this movie.
It's a great movie!
He was trying to be Angus there, no?
Yeah.
With the schoolboy thing?
Absolutely.
From ACDC?
Yeah.
Google image school of rock competition winners.
That seems obvious to me.
Um, should we do it now?
If we do, uh, the interstitial for thanks for calling, does that change the background?
Um, no.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, it does.
It turns it into a, Oh, here we go.
No, we don't want that.
We don't want that gay shit.
All those kids are fucked up now, by the way.
They've all gotten addicted to drugs.
Kids should not be famous.
Being famous is weird.
It's weird to walk down the street and have people recognize you.
Adults can handle it.
Some adults.
But kids can't handle it.
They get drunk with power, they get high with drugs, and their lives are destroyed.
Every kid involved in that movie is an absolute fucking mess.
Don't get your kids into Hollywood.
Don't get them into movies.
Alright, Ryan, I'm going to look it up.
I got the full movie here.
And it's going to go bad for you if I find it.
Did they play after Jack Black's band or before?
Yes.
It doesn't matter.
Contest winner, School of Rock.
And... No Vacancy is the name of the band.
Gotcha, okay.
So now I'm looking up no vacancy in quotes and then I go band and I click images and I have tons of pictures of the band No Vacancy.
Here I have School of Rock No Vacancy.
I have found it.
I am looking at it.
I'm doing your job.
I got the pictures and now I'll get the video.
Good work, Ryan.
Good fuckin' work.
Thank you.
Fuckin' spot on.
Like Jesus H. Christ.
This guy's been doing this job for so long and he's inept.
So it's the guitarist of No Vacancy that I was talking about.
But you have no internet because you haven't ironed out that key.
Oh no, it's just a video.
It's just a image.
Okay, well I'm not looking at an image.
I'm watching The Hunk.
School of Rock, Dash, No Vacancy, you fucking loser.
Okay, okay.
No, that's terrible.
Unacceptable.
Tell you what I'll do, Ryan.
I'm going to copy this and email it to you.
No, I'll text it to you.
That is how bad things are.
I have to ask you to look things up.
You don't do it.
Then I find them and then I text them to you.
On your phone.
While I'm also talking and entertaining people.
It's amazing, sir.
It's too much of indecence.
Jesus H Christ on the crutch.
Why isn't this playing?
Oh, this is an internet issue.
That's the guy I was talking about in the background.
The guitarist guy with sleeves?
Yeah, with just sleeves.
As he's undulating in the background with his bass.
Like a six string.
Seahorse.
Oh, Jesus.
That is Buck Cherry.
That is Stone Temple Pilots.
That's all Ryan's favorite bands.
Nickelback.
No, they don't slither.
Excuse you, they don't slither.
No, they don't.
They all slither.
All that grunge shit slithers.
No, they don't.
They don't slither at all.
Soundgarden, they all fucking slither.
No, they don't.
Soundgarden does not slither.
Sorry.
You're wrong, and I'm right.
Oh, he's dead.
Yeah, he's slithering his way into the abyss.
He's slithering out of this mortal coil.
My son's in there.
He's ten.
My son's in there.
He's ten years old.
He's about to become a drug addict because he got too famous.
Let's do one call and then get behind the paywall.
Okay.
Well, we'll have to thank people for calling, you know.
Yeah, let's do it.
Here we go.
Thanks, guys.
You are on the air.
I'm here to have a conversation.
This is a fucking loser.
You know, I'm here to learn, share, listen, understand why.
Hey, why does everyone get two things?
You get one thing.
Thank you for calling.
It was great hearing from you.
Bye-bye!
Alright, next call.
Bye-bye!
This is a weird one.
A weird letter, Ryan.
I mean, Maddie.
There's a bar I've been frequenting called Hellgate.
On the park.
in Astoria, Queens.
There's a group of bikers that are always there.
Are you familiar with this crew?
I can't tell if these guys are old guys with Harleys or if they are indeed guys I should be careful around.
I like hanging out there because it's a Trump bar and they seem to like me, but my mouth has gotten me into trouble before with them.
I realized I'm a soft-handed faggot with good intentions so they gave me a pass.
I made a bad joke that landed horrifically.
Anyway.
I don't know the name of the club.
I mean there's tons of clubs in Queens.
You got the Ghetto Coalition, you got regular guys that hang out with, you know, the major clubs.
So you never heard of a bar called Hellgate?
Hellgate?
Not off the top of my head, no.
Okay, good.
Tim Pool just stopped his live stream with Ariel Pink and Alex Lee Moyer after 10 minutes.
Ariel was talking about how cancellation doesn't work and the government will have to start killing people and Tim got all cocked and stopped the stream.
Ooh, that's juicy gossip!
Shut it down!
He's shilling for the government?
I got the calls up.
How you doing, Ryan?
Doing good.
I've already watched the entire clip, by the way.
You're probably not setting up calls.
What?
You're probably not setting up calls.
It's a little crazy.
You need to allow people access.
You have to kill them.
No, you don't.
No, I'm saying canceling is not the answer.
No.
You really need to allow people to communicate.
It's so important.
Even people in prison.
I think the prison reform is so important that people have access to the outside world still and are able to communicate with their families.
Isolation is devastating.
They vote.
We fought for their right to vote.
No, they don't.
I just shut it down.
Well, they don't.
There's two states in the United States that allow people to be incarcerated to vote.
Force people underground and expect them not to go crazy.
Vermont, and I believe we're out to kill them.
No, you don't.
So it looped already.
He said he's going to shut it down.
Oh, wow.
Shut it down!
Why?
What even?
What is he, a little bitch?
That was weird.
Alright, let's take a call and then say goodbye.
Okay.
Uh, we have... Oh, is your mic on?
Oh, shit.
I don't have a mic.
Yeah, it's on your wire.
No, it's not.
By your microwave.
Up a little bit.
It's up here.
Uh, we have... By your microwave.
Yeah, your microwave.
We got marker on line two.
It's not on my refrigerator.
Everything. 267.
You're on till 11.
Go ahead, 267.
Hello.
What's going on?
Hey, what's up, fellas?
Can you guys hear me?
I got this fuckin' Bluetooth on.
Yeah, why don't you just talk on the phone normal?
Why use the Bluetooth?
I'm using my hands right now.
I'm watching you guys, so I'm getting all... What are you doing with your hands?
You know, stuff.
No, I don't know stuff.
I'm working.
I'm working.
I'm making some t-shirts right now.
Okay, that's fair.
What do you want?
Yeah, I saw this thing earlier today and I wanted to get your opinion on that.
How weak and pandering they are with this Brittany Granger chick, They're negotiating a deal with some Russian arms dealer for her and someone else.
It's just because she's a lesbian black female.
Like, you know, that's like their target audience.
The guy they are negotiating, the guy that they are willing to set free is basically a Batman villain.
You could not get worse than this fucking dude.
Major arms dealer.
I was in MCC with him.
No way.
Yeah.
Alright, thanks for calling.
Victor Boot.
You were in MCC with this guy?
Yeah, I was there when he came.
He's one of our biggest catches as far as international terrorism goes.
And we're like, we really don't want this vape pen chick to have a bad month.
The number 25,000 is in my head for some reason.
Yeah, that guy.
Yeah.
He's like our best catch ever.
Yeah, Victor Boot.
Let him rot.
Did you ever talk to him?
No.
Because even I was in the shoe at the same time in MCC, different from MDC.
Where Jeffrey Epstein was killed.
Yes, MCC.
Same shoe where Epstein hung himself.
Victor Boot was there when I was there, also.
Hanged, and he didn't hang.
No, but the shoe was on the ninth floor, and then you had where the terrorists and all like the international people were on 10.
It was just a staircase that went up.
It wasn't like a real floor.
It was like a split level.
Right.
And they kept all like the super, you know, international criminals up there.
But yeah, he was there when I was there.
Victor Boot.
Joe Biden is so fucking useless.
Here's how you get that vape pen chick back.
You say, give me the vape pen chick now.
You don't go, here's Russia's Osama bin Laden.
You don't trade Victor Boot for a basketball player.
No.
Sorry.
It's simple math.
Like if we were playing.
First of all, you don't negotiate with terrorists.
If we were doing like fantasy football, but it was fantasy prisoner exchange, that would be, you'd lose the game.
Don't negotiate with terrorists.
This may overlap with tomorrow's episode because tomorrow's pre-recorded.
Uh, alright, we should get behind the paywall now.
We've given these people way too much free content.
So, uh, we are officially closing the free portion of the show.
We're going to continue to read superchats, uh, talk to people, and read emails.
Thursday is getting in touch with the people day.
But, uh, as far as freebies, we're done with you.
So, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, und never stop fighting.
▲
Export Selection