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Feb. 14, 2022 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:33:44

S4E88 - SCATTERBRAIN

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Time	Text
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.
	Two lovers and twin passed me by and head the nose I'm miserable now.
	I was a parking ticket.
	I'll have my cop friends delete that.
	That's pretty much the only favor you get when you know cops is parking tickets.
	They can't get your friends out of jail.
	Like with Max and John, I kept saying, I was naive back then.
	I kept saying, can you find out what's going on?
	And I'd either get no response or I'd get, I don't know who the fuck you pissed off, but it's someone big.
	And that's about all I'm going to say.
	You got to understand, the cops are down in the gutter with us.
	This isn't Serpico anymore.
	They can't do amazing shit for you outside of a parking ticket.
	There's no like stealing for you and getting that out of evidence and all that shit.
	And being good at it, if you will.
	Even a license plate.
	I know of one dude who knows a dude who has a gambling problem and is a cop, and he will risk getting fired by digging up the license plate for you.
	You don't have to hide your license plate.
	Don't worry about it.
	No one can find it.
	No one can find any information from it.
	That was a Smiths.
	Hat Full of Hollow.
	That's not the song I like.
	I wanted for a Bucktooth Girl in the Ask song.
	Ask me, ask me, ask me.
	Hat Full of Hollow, though, the reason I brought that up is I just discovered a fun little secret that I didn't realize.
	You know the album cover that has the military helmet?
	Yeah, that's the jam.
	He's such a great poet.
	From a Bucktooth Girl in Luxembourg.
	You got my head cropped in the little box there, shipping it.
	I should do a whole green screen on fans.
	Morrissey was a fanboy.
	He wanted to write for NME.
	He was obsessed with pop music and Joy Division and the scene, the sort of post-punk scene.
	And he wanted to write all about it because he was a fan.
	And then he said, I'll just start my own band.
	And that was the Smiths.
	Iggy Pop was a huge fanboy who loved checking out all the bands in Ann Arbor.
	Then he went and hand-picked the best musicians from each band and he made the Stooges.
	Ludacris was a DJ who was talking about bands all the time.
	And he thought, I'm just going to rap.
	Chuck D of Public Enemy would make flyers for shows.
	He was a graphic designer.
	Then he started his own band, Public Enemy.
	The dude who did, what was that about?
	He's the head of the Debbie Harry Fan Club.
	And he guns...
	What were they called again?
	28 Guns or something?
	I never really liked them, so I don't remember them.
	But yeah, you'd be surprised how many of these superstars that everyone looks up to was one of the people that was looking up.
	You can do it.
	Yeah, look up he was the head of the Debbie Harry fan club.
	Yeah, I'm on that.
	Okay.
	But the reason I brought up that record, Hat Full of Hollow, which this song we played isn't on.
	There's no real big hits on Hat Full of Hollow, sorry.
	But look at the Meat is Murder thing.
	It's a guy wearing his military helmet, and he's written on it, Meat is Murder.
	And that was the first time I ever even thought of a soldier being a lefty.
	And now it's relatively commonplace, even out commie soldiers.
	But I thought that was weird.
	And it changed my perspective as a young man on soldiers.
	And then I find out a couple days ago, it's all horseshit.
	Look at it.
	Click on the next one.
	Nope.
	Keep going.
	Make war not love, he said.
	Pretty good Photoshop for back then.
	It is really good.
	It looks very convincing.
	And it's pre-Photoshop, obviously.
	Actually, now that you look at it, it looks a little stark.
	Well, the S seems to hit that seam a little too well.
	But I guess with a paintbrush, you go in there and you paint it clean, and then you just add that with a marker and acetate or something.
	You fuckers lied to me.
	What does it say in the write-up there?
	I mean, just murder the second suit, blah, blah, blah.
	The album uses a photograph, American Marine, Capricorn Michael Wynn in Vietnam.
	So with the wording on his helmet changed for Make War.
	Today he'd sue the pants off them.
	We've got a fun show for you today.
	And Ryan did a lot of research on the Razzies.
	Yes.
	So we would be remiss not to reward him for his research.
	So the Razzies is, has it happened yet?
	Has it happened yet?
	I think they did announce.
	They announced the folks.
	Nominations, you know, so I guess they haven't picked LeBron James, Amy Adams, all of these celebs did bad acting.
	It's funny.
	The Razzies was so esoteric a long time ago, and now I think people care more about the Razzies than the real awards show.
	And that's not a comment on the Razzies, it's a comment on how bad awards shows are.
	We'd rather see, and by the way, you know what the Razzies are, right?
	It's awards for bad acting.
	We'd rather see the opposite.
	We're in critic culture.
	We have completely demystified celebrities.
	They no longer exist.
	They are boring.
	I don't know what killed them.
	I think it was two things.
	It was reality television, and we got to see famous people that suck, and then they just ruined fame.
	And then we saw social media, and we realized, actually, you guys didn't have anything to begin with.
	You're all fucking idiots.
	Like last week's Rosanna Arquette saying, I use black emojis because I honor and love black people.
	And then we find out she's one of the only places in America that has 0% African Americans.
	I've never seen 0%.
	I look up demographics all the time.
	I've never seen 0% before.
	In New York City, the demographics are like...
	$700 billion and a trillion $300 billion.
	$2% black.
	Speaking of celebs, we saw at the Super Bowl that they weren't wearing any masks.
	We have to mention that, of course, 1-7.
	Because they're vaccinated?
	Okay.
	I'm fine with that, by the way.
	I don't wear a mask, but you make my kids wear masks.
	You told my kids they don't have to wear a mask for one day.
	This is 1-7, Ryan.
	Uh-oh.
	What?
	What's up?
	Hold on, a second here.
	Has this not been recording?
	No, it is.
	I think you might have sent me an old link.
	Why?
	Okay, wait, no, no, no.
	Never mind.
	1-7 is not the Super Bowl?
	Why was it so old?
	I had the old email up as well.
	Okay.
	I don't know why you do that.
	Don't be an ass.
	No, sorry.
	Don't be an ass.
	Wear a mask.
	I'm from the Roberto Duran school.
	No masks.
	There's Will Arnett with white eyebrows.
	Will Farrell.
	Yes.
	Will Farrell.
	That's a weird look.
	I've hung out with both of those guys.
	I went to a Yankees game with Will Farrell, and we spoke very.
	He said he really liked my video, Sophie Can Walk.
	And then I made a joke where someone bought him a beer, and I go, you bring all that joy to the world, all those lasses, and you get one fucking beer.
	And he goes, I know, this is bullshit.
	That was funny.
	And then Ryan Reynolds, I met him at David Cross's wedding, and I said, fellow Canadian, dude, I heard you didn't have a stag?
	And he goes, no, I didn't have time.
	I go, that's gay, literally gay.
	We have to do a bachelor party.
	And then I never saw him again.
	I don't know them.
	He should be wearing a mask.
	Yeah, Magic Johnson.
	Doesn't he have AIDS?
	HIV.
	Whatever.
	Acquired immune deficiency syndrome?
	Dude, you're immunocompromised.
	I'm stealing my own joke from Getter, which I and I stole that joke originally from someone on my dad chat.
	Keep going.
	Oh, that's Rebel Wilson.
	It's funny, when she was super fat, you'd look at her and go, man, if she would only lose weight, she'd be so hot.
	And now that she's lost weight, you're like, I guess not.
	Like, she looked like a blown-up supermodel.
	Yeah.
	And now that she's deflated, you go, oh, okay, you're just like a pretty Australian girl.
	Yeah, she was swaying.
	There was more potential in that.
	I might rather fuck that.
	No, that's too big.
	But that's too small.
	Yeah.
	I'm like Goldilocks.
	Her forehead stayed the same.
	Still got that classic modern forehead that all women seem to be getting.
	That's not too bad.
	But she's just like an Australian.
	She's high up there, though.
	That's like an eight.
	Did you say six?
	Australian six.
	Don't change it.
	I did.
	No, I didn't.
	Again, my head is cropped.
	I'll go back to the tape.
	Seven.
	I know, but Australia doesn't have a different...
	You think Australians are hotter than us?
	Yes.
	What?
	Yep.
	That's not true.
	Average.
	I have fucked some Australians.
	Did you know they're covering moles?
	No.
	Yeah, Australian women have like 142 moles.
	I don't give a shit.
	Oh, my coach, the gym owner, he was with us at the Super Bowl night.
	He had a mole removed from his face.
	Dude, it looks exactly like I held a BB gun to his head and went, it's a hole.
	I go, why did you get it removed?
	Was it cancerous?
	He goes, no, I wasn't getting laid, and I thought maybe it's these.
	I go, no one has seen your moles.
	This is total bullshit.
	Why?
	Why is it bullshit?
	Because that's what the average Mexican woman looks like.
	I beg to differ based on life experience.
	Ooh, Mongolians are good.
	They all look the same.
	They all look hot.
	I wouldn't kick any of those out of bed for eating crackers.
	That's a good thing.
	Classic Ethiopian.
	No, this is horseradish.
	It's clearly not, Ryan.
	You are never wrong.
	I don't believe it.
	Park in the car today, and I go, we don't get this spot.
	This is the third spot.
	We only have these two spots.
	And he goes, yeah, well, you know, that first spot was covered in snow last week, so we couldn't park there.
	What?
	But it's not covered in snow today?
	So I don't know.
	I guess parking spots that are once covered in snow are permanently cursed, and you can never park there again in Ryan's mind.
	You know, what was really going on is he knew he was parking in the wrong spot, and he's totally incapable.
	He's mentally incapable of admitting he's wrong.
	So he has to come up with something, and that was the best he could do on the fly.
	I don't park there because it used to have snow on it, and snow is disgusting.
	Ew, I don't want to get like previous snow juice on my tires.
	Ew.
	Speaking of races that are dumb, I was going to choose this wonderful ballad that's mind-blowing.
	1-3.
	The talent here is just fucking amazing.
	I don't know why I jumped from the previous subject, by the way.
	What I'm about to sing is a song that I make in the sir.
	You only have one string.
	Sir, stop.
	Someone cut the strings off your guitar.
	Okay, here we go.
	This is what you do when you're a kid and you're playing with a guitar that you don't know how to play because you're a kid.
	Look at the other guy.
	This is a jam.
	I owe my way from home.
	Sir, you suck.
	They couldn't carry a tune to save their lives.
	Okay, so the reason I brought this up, and I want to get back to COVID and celebrities.
	I don't know why I abandoned that.
	Ryan threw me off with his parking bullshit.
	But check out the comments on that video.
	It's got a lot of likes.
	Not a lot of dislikes.
	Not that you can tell anyone.
	We can.
	3,000 dislikes.
	Oh, that's actually a lot more than I thought.
	We have a, I recommend everybody get this, return YouTube dislike extension.
	Oh, okay.
	So blow it up.
	Been a fan since Chicken on the Corn.
	What a tune.
	He doesn't need those five other strings.
	The other five strings need him.
	This dude is the Picasso of music.
	He deconstructs music to its pure elements so that there's really nothing left but the purest spirit of it.
	The purest.
	The old timer got a solid duet.
	This guy started from nothing.
	Where is he now?
	This guy started out with a one-string guitar.
	Now he has a one-string guitar and a shitty song with a bunch of...
	He doesn't have to use toilet paper anymore because he has thousands of white people kissing his ass, licking it clean.
	What else do we got here?
	Imagine what he could do with two strings.
	That's pretty funny.
	One string.
	No auto-tune.
	No studio.
	No fancy equipment.
	Legendary music.
	The fuck?
	See, this is what I hate more than anything is the pandering.
	And that brings us back to the Super Bowl, which was, I started, I didn't go to this cop party until the Super Bowl had already started.
	So I was watching the opening.
	I honestly thought my kids were watching BET.
	All of the commercials, all of the intro, everything about the beginning was black, blackety, black, black, black.
	They did the national anthem, the black national anthem too, didn't they?
	Yep.
	Lift every voice or something?
	Yeah.
	Now, the halftime show was shocking.
	And I was watching with cops and I was looking around the room like this.
	And everyone, every single guy in the room was going, and I go, did you see that?
	I went to the bathroom.
	I came back and they were dancing in prison outfits.
	I go, they were wearing prison uniforms.
	That's supposed to be bad.
	And what is that, South Central?
	What was the town?
	It must have been, right?
	Compton.
	Compton used to be beautiful.
	George W. Bush was a kid in Compton, riding his tricycle with his, playing cops and robbers.
	A lot of these homies, they're fronted.
	I can't do George Bush.
	And now it's Mexican because it's been ethnically cleansed.
	Mexican gangs went in there and started murdering black people, especially children, for no other reason but ethnic cleansing.
	And the media covered it 0%.
	Only Red State, Ryan Gurduski, was the only guy to go near it.
	It's funny, they always bitched about poverty, and then you watched like NWA videos or that movie where the guy dies, boys in the hood, and you're like, wow, you guys all have a huge house and a big lawn.
	I saw an apartment boss who's closely affiliated with Anthony Kumia.
	He said, okay, are black people going to be happy for a little while now?
	Can you cool it?
	Yeah, for 15 minutes.
	I heard Dre's gay.
	Did you hear that rumor?
	I hear a lot of black fellows are on the deck.
	I heard Denzo Washington's gay.
	We know Eddie Murphy fucked a tranny.
	Who hasn't, though?
	I fucked one this morning.
	I'm not a tranny.
	You are when I close my eyes.
	That's a good point.
	I went, I came home, I said to my wife, did you see that fucking halftime show?
	And she goes, yeah, it was awesome.
	SoCal rap old school.
	I didn't hate it, but my wife loved it too.
	She was like, that was like really cool, right?
	And I was like, no, no.
	That was just more fucking pandering.
	See if you can get to the dancing prisoners.
	That was something else.
	Oh, yeah, fucking $2.50.
	$2.50.
	I was like, is this a joke?
	50 stone.
	Wow.
	Yeah, that was ridiculous.
	I don't know where she can't read.
	She can't breathe.
	My wife looked at me as she was.
	She really needed to marry Jay Blythe.
	Dude, I don't know.
	Like just listening on your headphones and stuff.
	No more drama.
	He has three songs to pick from, and she wound up doing all three.
	Hendrick Lamar.
	Oh, that's who that was.
	He turned into most deaf somehow?
	Tell me that doesn't look like most deaf.
	Oh, yeah, it does.
	Oh my god.
	Not that I can see his face.
	I want to see the prisoners.
	I think that's during this time.
	I want to be your prisoner.
	Those are people in hoodies.
	A bunch of M ⁇ Ms?
	What's his name?
	Already did that.
	The best halftime show ever.
	It wasn't Super Bowl.
	There we go.
	Oh, yeah.
	They're in prison.
	Like, can you stop calling America racist sometime soon?
	We're glorifying your criminals.
	Yeah.
	You fucking murder people and we go.
	You bring out your murderers and rapists and we go, yay!
	We love you.
	Even your prisoners.
	We think you're dope.
	Anyway, I lost $100 because I bet on the Bengals, but they were passing around a box sheet, and I don't even know what I picked.
	I sent you the pictures.
	It said it had a 3 and a 2 and an 8.
	I don't know.
	It was the only one left.
	And the cop across to me goes, that's a shitty box.
	You got fucked.
	Oh, really?
	Is that why I won $1,000?
	I mean, when you get that kind of lucky, you start thinking about divine intervention.
	No?
	That's my box.
	3-2-2-0.
	I don't even know what that means.
	The third quarter, the score will be 2, 3, 2.
	I don't know.
	Or like two points ahead?
	No.
	Well, maybe.
	Look at it.
	Look at my money.
	That's pretty cool, Mike.
	I just made it rain.
	Sure did.
	But the guy across from me, he was going to make $3,000 if this touchdown happened and it happened.
	And all he had to do was score one more point.
	He was going to win three grand, and he didn't.
	That was him done for the night.
	Like my screen was here.
	His screen was behind me.
	So I'm looking at someone who's looking off like an SNL sketch.
	And the entire night, he's just like, so, I can't believe that fucking happened.
	We were so close.
	Fuck.
	Fuck.
	All night.
	And I'm like, dude, at one point I was like, you got to snap out of it.
	You're wrecking the whole night.
	I'm just going to ignore you now.
	I'm not talking to you anymore.
	You're no fun.
	He's like, fucking.
	And then when I won, you know what he fucking did?
	That pig?
	All cops are bastards.
	I'm starting to agree.
	He goes, it was $75 all you can eat and drink.
	And somehow I slipped through the cracks and they forgot to ask me the money for the $75.
	And as the guy's paying me out, cop goes, he didn't pay, by the way.
	Whoa.
	So I had to give back $75.
	That's where he tipped like a lunatic all night.
	I don't think I brought back close to $1,000.
	Well, you saw how much I just threw in the air.
	That's me.
	If you...
	What was I talking about?
	The game?
	The cop.
	Oh, yeah.
	So that cop, when I walked in, I heard two other cops talking.
	He goes, yeah, yeah, he killed him.
	And I was like, ooh, who killed who?
	What's happening?
	And they go, this dude, he was from New Rochelle, but this was in the Bronx.
	And he found the guy who shot his brother, so he stomped him to death.
	And I was like, no way.
	And they go, yeah, check it out.
	They had the video of the stomping.
	Damn.
	And I'm like, can you send that to me?
	Yes.
	No problem, Gav.
	We have it?
	I sent it to you, didn't I?
	In the text?
	Yeah.
	Do we have it?
	No.
	Well, it's big.
	It's like nine megabytes.
	Maybe it had trouble getting through.
	Getting through to y'all.
	Or maybe I sent it to Maddie and not you.
	Copy, go back.
	Ryan Katsu Rivera.
	That's me.
	And paste and send.
	I prefer texting you from now on.
	So that was fun.
	Super Bowl.
	Yeah, they're not wearing masks.
	I mean, this is why the Razzies are popular.
	Celebrities were done with.
	They're all fucking lunatics.
	They're all losers.
	They suck.
	And speaking of, before we abandon that, I have the concept.
	Wait, what?
	I have the video.
	Okay, let's watch the video.
	Warning graphic.
	Oh, yeah, this is the end.
	And that guy getting arrested was like, get the fuck away from me.
	He's been stabbed, by the way.
	And it's like, okay, I can get away from you.
	I'm the only person that's keeping you alive right now.
	Wait, is this the end?
	I hope the beginning is in it, too.
	Oh, man.
	This is the whole video.
	Well, here, maybe live we can get it.
	What the fuck?
	Oh, here we go.
	There's two.
	Phew.
	I'm really all over the place today.
	This is a scatter-brained episode.
	Let's call it that.
	Scatterbrain.
	Scatter.
	So, yeah, they weren't wearing anything on their fucking face.
	I hate celebrities.
	They're all dorks.
	And just...
	Okay, now we'll jump back to the stomping on this all-over-the-place episode.
	Graphic, by the way.
	Now, this is fucking savage.
	But if you shoot my brother, this is what you're getting.
	Ah, the Bronx.
	Oh, check out this cop when he gets out.
	The stomping is happening.
	And I go, why is he getting in the car like that?
	And the other cop goes, because he's smart.
	Because he's fucking smart.
	He's like, all right, all right.
	You've had enough.
	Two more kicks and you're done.
	Hey, stop murdering that guy, please.
	No, fuck you, pig.
	Murder's illegal, but.
	Let's just show these kids cheering when they're told they don't have to wear masks.
	Because this is why it's relevant that celebrities are not wearing masks.
	Not because we think masks are helpful, but because you're making our fucking kids wear them.
	That's one eight out of the way.
	It's worth it.
	Your internet sucks.
	We gotta fix that today.
	Tomorrow we don't have to wear masks anymore.
	I love kids.
	Look at that kid in the red shirt.
	And then that girl.
	Look at the girl doing the dance.
	Did you catch this?
	What?
	During the celebration, kid takes an Ellen computer game and goes, shit.
	You can hear him say shit.
	Everybody's enjoying this all night and stuff.
	Did everybody catch that?
	Like, he celebrates and then he goes right back to his game.
	I haven't found one person that had found that yet.
	Okay, let's do Kanye's melting down.
	So this weekend, while all of this is happening, Mr. Kanye West, hey, dude, I don't blame him.
	Go to 1.6.
	Imagine this guy's fucking your wife.
	He's putting his dick in your wife's bum bum.
	The poop comes out.
	And she's like, ah, ah.
	And he's like, yeah, you like that, you fucking whore.
	And then he's pulling out and jizzing all over your wife's face.
	That guy.
	That guy is abusing your wife.
	Oh, slapping her around, pulling her hair, spanking her butt till it's red and raw.
	And she's on her knees just taking it as he face fucks your wife.
	Zoom out, Ryan.
	Do your job.
	We want the picture, the whole picture.
	So you click on the picture, then you zoom out.
	Okay.
	Look at him.
	I fucking hate this douche.
	You're just a hater.
	I hate his guts.
	He sucks shit.
	He hates when that roast with Ann Coulter, he was rolling his eyes and attacking her the whole time.
	Anthony, Keith the cop once gave him Anthony's card, said, you should come by on compound sometime.
	And he just threw it on the ground.
	Because Anthony's right wing.
	He's a fucking hyper-lefty pussy because he grew up with no dad.
	Because his dad died in 9-11.
	Yeah, I was about to say, don't you know?
	His dad died in 9-11.
	Yeah.
	So I don't know if you could talk about him.
	I don't give a shit.
	Fuck you.
	His dad's probably spinning in his grave.
	He's bulletproof.
	He's beating this dork.
	He's wearing Christmas lights on his neck.
	This man's sick.
	Ugh.
	This fucking outfit.
	So I called Ryan this weekend.
	I said, dude, make sure you fucking screen grab all these.
	He's having a meltdown.
	So go to his Instagram.
	Might as well look at the real ones, right?
	These are screen grabs.
	Yep.
	So go to the real one and see if they're deleted.
	That's just there for backup.
	And I noticed you didn't click on the Moores.
	Did you get the Moors?
	I did get the Moores.
	Oh, good.
	The Moors.
	The Moors.
	You mean the white Arabs who ran Spain for a while?
	I didn't wake up and fight for my family to trend over the Super Bowl, but it happened.
	Super Bowl brings families together.
	I can't read black words.
	Yes, you can.
	There's no punctuation ever.
	Come on.
	Okay.
	Happened to Super Bowl.
	Brings families together for everyone married.
	Hold your spouse close.
	Make sure they know how much you love, how much you love and appreciate them because there's a skeet lurking in every dirty ass alley waiting to help destroy your family and walk around in Calvin Clowns around your children.
	I wish my wife was me and our children sitting in the yard line.
	Kim Kardashian always remembered.
	Kanye West was your biggest W. Wait, what does he say?
	I wish my wife would what?
	Would be here at the Super Bowl with me at the 50-yard line.
	You know what happened, right?
	He clearly cheated.
	I heard he was on the down low, too.
	Yep, I heard that too.
	He fucked some like...
	Who's that makeup guy?
	Jeffree Star?
	A Jeffree Star kind of guy.
	Not Jeffree Star, or maybe it was him, but some guy like that.
	I think it was Jeffree Star.
	I think he got dumped for cheating.
	Jeffree Star boned a lot of rappers.
	Ew.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	There's a lot of gay-ass rappers out there.
	That's gay.
	If you're singing about your dick all day long.
	Got the gloves before the game.
	We don't want that.
	We want pure meltdown, insanity.
	Did he delete any of them?
	Can you tell?
	Seems like so far, so no.
	Okay, keep going.
	I don't care about that he likes 50 Cent.
	Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
	I think he did.
	Yeah, he did.
	Okay, so...
	Prescient?
	Here we go.
	Gav.
	That's my new nickname.
	In this corner, Gavin Prescient McKennis.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	See?
	Click more.
	There we go.
	Here's number one.
	I would have never asked for the loyalty if it was never offered.
	And I found a cool picture because I love Cootie.
	What?
	I don't care about that.
	Why'd you save that?
	Oh, there's the one at the bottom.
	I'm very community-oriented.
	Love my friends, love my family.
	The reason I asked Cuddy that the last to speak skeet is because for years, Cuddy always make it seem like he was me and I was him against everyone now that fighting for my family.
	He not by my side.
	This is bigger than music.
	So Cootie doesn't have his back against Pete, who he calls Skeet.
	Kid Cuddy, right.
	Skeet.
	Kid Cuddy, right.
	Thanks a lot, Cuddy.
	Jeez.
	All I wanted you to do is hate the guy's fucking my ex-wife.
	I would have never had asked for loyalty if it was never offered and I found cool picture because I love Cuddy and I always will.
	But Don De2 is about running back in that burning house.
	I respect not everyone going to be ready for the smoke.
	That would be kind of gay, though, if Kid Cuddy went out and said, I think it's shitty that Pete is fucking Kim.
	Like, I would want, I'd expect that from you.
	I wouldn't want, like, if you were friends with my ex-wife's new boyfriend, right?
	Well, everyone would be dead.
	My wife, the boyfriend, Ryan.
	Even if I didn't do anything, just kill me.
	Because anybody who knows her, who's heard her name.
	Well, you don't have to be friends with your ex-wife and her new boyfriend because there's no sense in being friends with someone at the bottom of the East River.
	Yes.
	What else do we have?
	So I can't even tell if that's like...
	I'm kind of on Kanye's side.
	I'm always on Kanye's side.
	This is gay, but I get the emotion.
	I'm not saying he should have killed her, but I understand.
	Look at this dickhead.
	I wonder if his Instagram is going to shut down my page for dissing Hillary Clinton's ex-boyfriend.
	See, but you're losing face, dude.
	And now, if you ever kick his ass or get someone to kick his ass, you have all of this premeditation.
	Tony Soprano didn't text people and say, you're in a very difficult situation.
	You're going to get whacked.
	Did he put Big Pussy on blast before he fucking whacked him?
	Thank you to all my loyal fans for having my back.
	And you can Google the Hillary thing.
	I'm not making this shit up.
	So he was fucking Hillary?
	And by the, there's no more, unless he commented.
	Okay.
	Unless he continues in the next one.
	Whoever fucked Hillary Clinton deserves a medal.
	Ew.
	What does he say?
	When I tag people, I'm just putting together the web.
	There are a group of people who run media and the election.
	Thank God for free speech.
	He didn't know we changed our name to censor.tv, but that is very nice of him.
	Thanks.
	I was talking to this black dude at the gym, and he's like, did I tell you this already?
	He said, something happened.
	I don't know what happened to Will Smith and Jada Pinkett and Alicia Keat.
	He started naming all these light-skinned Hollywood millionaire black people.
	And he goes, I don't know if they had to suck a dick or what they had to do, but they ain't right.
	Yeah.
	That's a new tape.
	Yep.
	This ain't about Skeet, people.
	It's about selling y'all a narrative.
	Skeet just playing his pot in Frozen 3.
	What?
	Except it's not in the theaters this time.
	It's on Daily Mail.
	Tell Bob and the entire Disney staff you wasted your money on Star Wars and Marvel because even though it makes money, you will never control the high schools.
	No one's ever heard a Machine Gun Kelly song, Bob.
	So that's Bob, what's his name, the CEO of Disney?
	Yeah.
	He loves mentioning people that...
	Yeah.
	Like Walt Disney, Javanche, Louis Vuitton.
	He loves saying names of people.
	Y'all seen that tattoo, but if I speak up, then I'm crazy.
	I told you not going to use that one no more.
	When a garbage man comes to work, he's going to smell like trash, but it's time to take the trash out the house.
	Dude, you're losing.
	The girls get turned on by this in any way?
	I think they get turned on if you beat up their boyfriend.
	Yeah, she's just been waiting for that.
	Okay, keep going.
	There's a lot of celebs in this particular app.
	Yeah, so we should play the celeb gossip bumper.
	No comment.
	Have sent intimate photos with Ariana to Mac Miller with a way to end the rapper's hopes of rekindling a relationship with her.
	Arianna discovered this, and this was your theory.
	Yep.
	I heard somebody say that, and I was like, oh, snap.
	I didn't pull that from thin air, so this is now double confirmed.
	Which isn't really confirmed.
	But the rumor is that Pete, I always want to call him Pete Libertine.
	I can never remember his fucking name.
	Pete Davidson.
	Pete Davidson saw that Mac Miller was sending Ariana text, so he sent Mac Miller a pic of Ariana getting stuffed.
	And Mac Miller OD'd the next day and died.
	Yeah.
	And so Ariana dumped him for killing her ex.
	Yep.
	And she dumped Mac Miller for in the first place.
	Probably because of drug damage.
	Hey, Pete, I know you love this show and you're watching.
	Can you please send Kanye a picture of your dick in Kim Kardashian's mouth?
	Yeah, send it to my number also.
	Please.
	Because that is going to make him pop a gasket.
	I want to start working for TMZs.
	Next.
	This is getting boring.
	Is there anything else?
	This is hot fire.
	That's what the kids want to talk about.
	I didn't know it was hot fire.
	No way you will ever meet my kids.
	Oh, yeah, that's a text from Pete Davidson to Kanye that said, I'll never get in the way of you raising your children, I promise.
	Hopefully we can all be friends one day.
	No.
	Imagine being friends?
	No.
	I hate when people are friends with their ex.
	I don't care if it's been like their ex is boyfriend or husband.
	You know what I mean?
	Yeah, it's weird.
	It's just wrong.
	I hate when they're all friends.
	A buddy of mine got divorced.
	He's fucking his youngest son's best friend's mom.
	And when they get divorced, the woman goes, his wife goes, can you just not fuck Julie, whatever her name was?
	And he goes, no, I'm in love with her.
	Oh, great.
	So then the play dates are all fucked up with the kid.
	It always hurts the kids.
	That was the last consideration in a divorce and the first to suffer.
	And they all spent Christmas together.
	What does that say to the kids?
	It says that love isn't real.
	Yo, my account is not hacked.
	I will be at Sunday service at noon.
	And me taking North and Saint to the Super Bowl shortly after.
	I'll double whatever paying you just so you don't have to look at that pawn ever again.
	What?
	Big love.
	What is he saying?
	Whatever they pay in you, just don't have to look at that pawn ever again.
	I'll double your pay.
	So you don't have to look at that pawn ever again.
	And Saints Super Bowl shortly after.
	Okay, I don't know what that means.
	I don't know who he's offering money.
	I know one of the women he's bitching about.
	Tracy.
	Oh, shit.
	Yes.
	Tracy Nguyen.
	I knew her as Tracy Nguyen.
	She worked with my wife back in the fashion PR days, and now she's like Kim's showrunner, manager, publicist.
	And she has a different name now, like Tracy Rambo or something, because she married some black dude.
	Romanov?
	Tracy Romanov, something like that.
	Anyway, that's not an interesting story.
	Keep going.
	How you doing, man?
	Not too good, Gavin.
	So Pete Davidson has his face probably two inches deep into your ex-wife's ass cracker.
	You don't have the answers.
	You don't have the answers, Gavin.
	Are you formally divorced yet?
	There ain't no divorce.
	It ain't no divorce.
	You ain't have the answers, Gavin.
	Javonchi, Walt Disney, Elon Musk, Bill Jates.
	Okay.
	Do you think you're ever going to get Kim back?
	I don't think it's going to happen, my friend.
	I think so.
	Why did you guys split up?
	Did you fuck a Tranny?
	Did you cheat on him?
	Her?
	Ah.
	I listen.
	Okay.
	Kanye West homecoming.
	Best numbers in the world.
	Number two to Walt Disney.
	Lamborghini.
	Giovanchi.
	Machiavellian.
	Okay.
	Play-Doh.
	Like the...
	No, see?
	Okay, so there's probably a little more here.
	I'm getting bored of this.
	Oh, my God.
	Well, okay.
	Yeah, we can't.
	That's too long.
	Thanks, Shade Room, for always showing love.
	Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	I want like, I want to fight you on Thursday.
	I want punctuation.
	I'm a form of media.
	Bezos bought the Wall Street Journal.
	There he goes again.
	Never have the level of influence, blah, blah, blah.
	Carnegie, Rockefeller, Vanderbilt.
	Keep going.
	So these are deleted.
	Yeah.
	I'm so happy I made you screen grab these.
	Very simple.
	Okay, so is that all of them?
	Yeah, and then I recorded a live that he did, but it was like nothing.
	He was just at the 50-yard line.
	Boring.
	Yep.
	All right.
	Well, let's go to the Razzies.
	Oh.
	On this celebrity episode.
	I haven't seen it.
	We're both seeing this with fresh eyes.
	True.
	Oh, you know what?
	What?
	I think it's time for a green screen.
	For a green screen.
	So in this case, we would...
	So yeah, you just don't play the Smiths.
	Just play the green screen music.
	Which is delicious.
	Although, I guess you would play the Smiths when I leave.
	When we come back, yes.
	Okay, so this is Ryan fucking Katsu's.
	Hard work.
	We were reading about the Razzies.
	We saw the nominees, and I thought, I want to see these particular performances and how bad they are.
	I was surprised Bruce Willis did so bad.
	He has been in some stinkers.
	Yeah, that warehouse movie that you were talking about, wasn't that him?
	Yeah.
	It took place in a warehouse.
	And one of his lines was like, I fought in Mogadishu and I fought in Somalia.
	Those are the same places, my friend.
	I fought in New York City and in New York State.
	Okay, so let's see them.
	Do you want to tell us what the nominee is?
	I'm so excited.
	Ryan actually produced some content.
	Let's hope it's good.
	Let's see.
	Well, one of these is Amy Adams.
	What was she nominated for?
	The Woman in the Window.
	This is one of the performances that suck nuts.
	Let's watch Amy Adams and The Woman in the Window for Worst Actress.
	Okay, let's do it.
	Her name is Catherine.
	She spent the night here last week.
	You took a box cutter from me.
	You loaned it to me.
	Checks out.
	He was in Darian last night.
	He was in prison for assault.
	He was in prison.
	He shouldn't be in New York.
	He's been in her house.
	He must have met her.
	Her earring is beside his bed, and he borrowed a knife from me.
	And he's been in prison.
	And he was fired from his job.
	His assistant died.
	He threatened me in my home.
	Doesn't seem so bad.
	I guess it's just cringe.
	Like, this is one of many.
	Because she has to really go there.
	You know what I mean?
	Like, she's going for something.
	And it's easy to fall so flat if you're reaching so far.
	So she's being insane.
	It's almost like going retarded.
	So apparently it was cringe.
	You know?
	So whether that's hard evidence, I'm not sure.
	Okay, so I don't care about that.
	That was fine.
	This is Space Jam, LeBron James.
	Oh, yeah.
	Don Cheeto is so annoying.
	I hate him.
	He takes me out of everything I watch.
	Yes.
	He stinks.
	He reeks.
	And before that House of Lies thing, he was always the same character where the writer was too scared to give a black man any depth because everyone is constantly pandering.
	So they end up making black people in movies just these like, hi, this is my best friend Will.
	He's just a wonderful guy.
	You're like, okay, well, now I don't care if he lives or he dies because you didn't give him any depth.
	And then he did House of Cards where he was a bad guy.
	But usually he's just like bland.
	Anyway, let's see what LeBron's got for us.
	Just make you feel all insignificant, don't it?
	Are all computers like this?
	Dom?
	Dom?
	Uh-oh.
	What'd you do to my son?
	Where's Dom?
	Dom dude, chill out.
	You gonna get your son back?
	There better not be a butt at the end.
	But there's something you're gonna do for me first.
	Like what?
	You know, you uh you really shouldn't have rejected my ideas back there.
	That was a mistake.
	Now I'm afraid you're gonna have to help me fulfill my destiny.
	Listen, man, if you don't produce my son in five seconds, that's not terrible.
	Like, what do you expect from a basketball player?
	You're not running things in the middle of the moment.
	Okay, Nick, this is sucking, man.
	Well, they're smart about.
	See, it's really hard to find anything that he's ever saying in the movie.
	They don't let him.
	Whatever's available online is not going to be their worst moment.
	It's going to be their best moment, actually.
	So we're seeing the best of a bad performance.
	And they don't show him do lines in the movie, basically.
	It's like one-liners.
	This is pretty bad.
	In my opinion, this is Ben F. Fleck in.
	Why'd you say it like it was an insurance company?
	This is Bella Fleck in the last duel.
	We did irascible.
	Yes, I know my lord's stupid.
	Does not exactly yield his rent sometime.
	But I count him as a friend.
	He disobeyed me and let Limoge fall.
	He believed he would succeed.
	His intentions were good.
	He's no fucking fun.
	You mean you'd like to see more of him?
	His gloom.
	You're in Ireland.
	He postures and lumps about like a black cloud.
	I have thought with him and seen the worst of this world with him.
	He is loyal.
	So are my fucking hounds.
	This is a waste of time.
	This is boring.
	We shouldn't have done it.
	These acting, this all seems relatively good.
	Sorry, Ryan.
	Your project is a bust.
	Okay, let's see Bruce Willis.
	Come on.
	This better be good.
	This is good.
	All right, so there's a couple movies.
	You know what's interesting about this show is most people would just like, if something isn't working, they would can it and it wouldn't make the show.
	We air it and go, that sucked.
	Correct.
	No other show does that.
	A character that was a former badass gives him the excuse to be old and tired throughout the movie, but with a quick backstory to let us know that he's still the best action man of all time.
	He just needs a nap first.
	Before they put you in this cage, you owed money to the Northroad 88s, the Triad, La Nostra, two cartels that I know of, a dozen West Coast loan sharks and East Coast Shylocks, the IRS, the CRA, the FRS wants you dead.
	I'm a popular guy.
	He won't either show us how cool he is because Bruce Willis is too old to do the action stuff anymore, so he spends most of the movies, you know, sitting down or leaning on something or just off-screen completely, which is exactly what happens in Apex.
	At least I'll be comfortable.
	You hear the premise of this movie and think, okay, so Bruce Willis is being hunted, but he'll use his skills and training as a former police officer to become the hunter and take out each of the killers one day.
	It makes me want to watch this movie how bad it is.
	Him wandering through the woods.
	The people hunting him all turn on one another and take each other out.
	And the movie expects us to believe that it's actually Bruce Willis's wit that causes this.
	But for the entire movie, he's just wandering around the woods and talking to himself.
	He does take that nap at one point.
	In the few scenes he does have with the hunters, he never really plays any mind games with them or anything clever like that.
	It's literally just this one question he asked them at the beginning.
	Can hunters kill other hunters?
	And I guess all the hunters hear this and they go, oh shit, I never really thought of that.
	Oh my god, he's in our heads now.
	It is incredibly stupid.
	That guy seems funny.
	Okay, now we're done.
	Now that we watch someone else's show on the show.
	Bye.
	Ask me, I won't say no half.
	So in the future, Ryguy, when you get an assignment like that, go, I got the footage.
	It doesn't seem that bad.
	I don't know.
	I thought Ben Affleck was particularly cringy.
	He had kind of awkward body language when he walked over.
	It just seemed like he did that.
	And the fucking didn't seem period correct.
	Exactly.
	And then when he acted like somebody else, he was like, he's like he was channeling Anthony Hopkins.
	It was just so out of body.
	All right.
	Tatabola.
	That's fucking terrible that.
	Show us.
	And yeah, the LeBron, it was tough because, you know, he hits the lines half-heartedly, but there's not enough there to judge.
	Well, he clearly can't memorize lines.
	He possibly can't read.
	I've noticed that there's all these pictures of him with a book, and he's always on page one.
	Every time the picture comes out, it's actually a meme.
	He just finished the book.
	He started a new one.
	So what probably happens is the director says, you better not have my son.
	Okay?
	Yeah.
	You better not have my son.
	What's next?
	Like, he says line for every single line.
	So he couldn't do a paragraph.
	Let's jump over to the Olympics for a second.
	Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
	I babysat Daphne on Friday.
	This is correct.
	We did two fun things.
	I bought a pinball machine, the Terminator, for a thousand, no, $4,200.
	But it looks awesome and it works.
	Terminator 2.
	Awesome.
	It rules.
	It does, really.
	There's something in your brain that says, ah, that's like a fucking old.
	It's a beautiful piece of art.
	They don't want to show a picture of it because my kids are in the pictures I have.
	I got it right here.
	Yeah, that's it.
	Exact game.
	That's the exact game.
	Once you turn that shit on and it starts yelling at you and singing its little song, it's just a beautiful piece of art.
	Like that big skull there.
	You know what I realized yesterday?
	The reason we had to put those risers on the front legs is because I put the back legs on the front and the front legs on the back.
	Oh, I see.
	It's going to be easy, though.
	Next time I have two guys over, they lift it, and then I push a piece of furniture underneath, and then it'll be hanging there, and then I'll just switch the legs.
	Yeah, it's really not hard to do that whole, like, all fours and just lift up with your back.
	It's not that heavy.
	No.
	It looks like it, like, these stand-up video games are infinitely heavy.
	But pinball machines are not as heavy as you'd think.
	It's not even that awkward to hold.
	I'd say they're 200 pounds.
	No.
	No.
	That's too much or too little?
	I think too little.
	Let me see.
	How much does hey computer?
	How much does a pinball machine weigh?
	Thanks.
	Oh, you weren't far off.
	This is saying 325.
	And you know how I kept, I was saying to my wife, what another baby.
	We're only going to have three.
	And then I looked after Daphne and I went, oh yeah, this is a bitch.
	Her proceed, the process.
	There she is, finally.
	I took that suit off her, by the way.
	I went, this is too hot.
	That's why she's not sleeping.
	That did not go well.
	She likes that suit.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Actually, it was Josh and his wife that suggested this.
	Oh, yeah?
	Do you swaddle?
	Oh, heck yeah.
	I mean, you know what?
	We stop swaddling because she just will wiggle free, and then she'll get upset.
	So, no, no, we try to keep her this.
	Also to wean her into the fact that she will have mobility one day.
	She will be able to, like.
	So, it gets her kind of used to the fact that her arms will move during sleep, so she won't, like, be jarred and wake up.
	I don't think she fully went down until 10 p.m.
	Until we, like, oh, wow, okay.
	So, I was doing the whole shh, shh, shh, shh, until my arms were burning, like bleeding.
	There was blowtorches on my biceps, and my lower back, someone was just stabbing it with a pitchfork.
	But then the result is you're in a little heaven of sorts.
	Yeah, well, it's funny too.
	It's like Billy Bragg says, it's like the fast rod at the fun fair.
	You want to get off because it's scary.
	And then as soon as you're off, you want to get straight back on again.
	All I needed was a break.
	So after she finally went down, I was like, okay, now I want to play with her again.
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	That's exactly how I feel.
	That's me passed out.
	This is funny.
	I thought this was hilarious.
	That really helped, too, I found, to put my thumbs where she can grab them.
	Oh, yeah, yeah.
	She likes that.
	It must be a cave thing, too, because if you can hold on to a thumb, it means that an adult is around.
	You're not going to die.
	Right.
	I noticed, I took Sophie when she was a baby.
	I took her to Terry Richardson's.
	He had a photo exhibit.
	This is back before he was canceled, so it would have been 06.
	And it was really noisy.
	She conked out like a rock.
	Yeah, that noise, the white noise.
	Well, I think it's genetic.
	It's like, oh, we're in the cave.
	Everyone's around.
	We must have just killed a woolly mammoth.
	I'm going to chill now.
	I'm safe.
	We're going to have meat for a week.
	That's pretty smart.
	And yeah, in the meantime, we went to go get Dindin, and then we got...
	Oh, speaking of which, we went to go see Johnny Knoxville.
	This is Terry Richardson's exhibition.
	Maybe not the same one you were at, but there's Johnny Knoxville.
	And we saw his movie without Bam Margera.
	I'm Blurry.
	You're Blurry.
	Which I was upset about.
	No Bam, no me.
	You're Blurry.
	There we go.
	Crisp.
	And this is my...
	Happy Valentine's Day.
	Oh, yeah.
	I got to get some fucking flowers, I guess.
	I already got all that stuff.
	Can I have some?
	Yeah.
	Because I have it.
	Whoops.
	No, I have some nice plans.
	So, yeah, in the movie, remember we went home.
	I mean, we went to go pick up the baby from your house.
	And you're watching, like, Jewish synagogue television.
	I like to watch Jew TV.
	It's hilarious.
	Well, I would argue that every channel is Jew TV.
	Yeah, they're just worshiping some door.
	We're just like looking at it and saying, what is this?
	Yeah, they're worshiping where we have Christ.
	They just have two doors.
	And they're staring at the doors.
	And then for a brief moment, the doors opened.
	And there was tapestries, like three or four tapestries.
	With like golden salt pepper shakers.
	That's what they look like.
	And then the doors were like, all right, that's enough for you.
	Yeah.
	And then it closed again.
	So then we have a story to tell you.
	They paused the movie because there was a thing that happened.
	There was a drunk kid.
	It was two guys, two girls.
	The girls ran out and they were like apologizing to one of the guys and they ran out.
	And then soon after that, the guy brought his friend out, like dragged him out.
	These are all Mexican teens, right?
	Kind of, yeah, yeah.
	Like light-skinned Latinos.
	It's got to be Mexicans.
	He drags his friend out.
	Now, he didn't exit the theater.
	He's in that...
	You know how they have that rampant on the other side?
	That's where you come into the theater?
	So he's on the other side of that.
	And in between sketches, you know, they fade to black and jackass.
	Like once the, hey, you know, that was the ball curl.
	And then there's silence, which is not common in a movie, but this type of movie allowed just dead silence to happen for a couple seconds.
	And we kept hearing him going, I need her.
	And we're freaking out.
	And I'm thinking, you know, mass shooter, always in the theater.
	Anything weird that happens?
	Yeah.
	Somebody drops their popcorn, I'm getting shot.
	No, a guy has a weird hat on.
	I'm like, we're all going to die.
	Yeah, for real.
	Like, if you were watching Batman and the guy showed up in a Batman mask, you'd go right well.
	I'm calling my mom and saying goodbye.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And sometimes you're sitting there and you're like, you start reaching in your pocket.
	You're like, oh, I'm the mass shooter this time.
	This is crazy.
	I didn't think that.
	And so then EMTs.
	You get what you fucking deserve.
	EMTs finally show up.
	And then, by the way, tons of other packs of teens just started leaving.
	They were like, I think we had enough of this movie.
	It's not like they didn't enjoy it.
	They were laughing their asses off.
	And they're just like, that's enough.
	That must be the new thing with Gen Z. They've had enough of this movie.
	You TikTok and you switch, so you don't read books.
	So you're just like, oh, well, I already saw some stuff.
	I'm going to go to another theater, watch the end of another movie.
	Crazy.
	I think you're right.
	I think they're just like, let's go do something else.
	Like, I saw Slither in Harlem, and I was there on time.
	I was the only person in the theater, me and my wife, the only ones.
	And then by the halfway point, it was packed.
	There was not one empty seat.
	So 100% of the people were late.
	Yep.
	I told you that story, right?
	This woman was eating gummy worms next to her little kid.
	She brought her kid to a horror movie.
	And her daughter goes, are Those gummy worms?
	And she goes, Yeah.
	And she goes, I like gummy worms.
	And her mom goes, No, you don't.
	Damn.
	That's mama's gummies.
	I'm pretty sure I do like gummy worms.
	Yeah.
	I don't know a lot.
	I'm only seven.
	I know I don't like horror movies.
	I know I don't know my dad, but I like gummy worms.
	And you're hogging them, and you're already severely overweight.
	You wouldn't like these.
	They're just different.
	No, they're the same.
	I recognize the package.
	They're the same ones that have made you into a fat bitch mom.
	Very familiar.
	Oh, I know them.
	I don't like them as much as you.
	So relative to you, I like them zero.
	I don't like them to the point where I'm literally dying for them.
	But I do enjoy gummy worms.
	And I'm not asking for 50 of them.
	I would like two.
	I shouldn't enjoy gummy worms because they're killing you, which is the only way out of the.
	I want to die too.
	But I have a feeling I'll have a little more discretion than you, and I won't fucking stuff my face.
	I'm a cunt face.
	And I'm a child.
	But yes, I will know when to stop.
	That's a whole all Americans.
	If you come to New York City, you need to experience the New York theaters of the Lower East Side, East New York, Harlem.
	It is something else, man.
	Wow.
	You know what it's called when you live in the Bronx and you've been seeing movie theaters there and then you go to see a movie outside of the Bronx?
	Now you're seeing movies without commentary.
	That's what they call them.
	Yeah, you must just be, hey, what the fuck's he even doing there?
	Am I right?
	Yeah.
	And people are going, shut are you doing?
	You're sitting in a forum.
	Yeah, right.
	Right?
	Yeah, you shower and I'll show her.
	Have you guys seen this?
	My uncle told the story of like he went to go see Terminator, the first one, and then the robot is dead.
	Spoiler alert shuts down.
	And then she thinks everything's cool.
	And then it comes back to life and he's like, fucking backup processor.
	And I guess a black guy in the theater had seen it before.
	So like just when the robot dies, like, fuck you, Sarah.
	The guy's like, yo, backup processor.
	And then he's like, I'm back.
	And then my uncle's like, fucking people, dude.
	We went to see one of those zombie movies that's also a video game, Resident Evil.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	I saw it with the gay porn director, Bruce LeBruce.
	Oh, yeah.
	And he had never seen a horror movie before.
	He's like, I don't like them.
	I go, well, I had to watch your fucking gay porn movie.
	Those are horror movies.
	I saw your horror movie.
	You're going to see mine.
	And every time there was a scene, he would go, oh, Jesus Christ.
	He did a Woody Allen.
	Like, he'd take off his glass and go, oh, my God.
	Oh, Jesus.
	It's like, Bruce, it's a prosthetic woman.
	It's not real.
	Yeah, it's not gay anal.
	So we're watching the movie, and it's in this underground sort of tower.
	So it's like a high-rise that goes down, and I guess it's built for the zombie apocalypse.
	It's like a hive.
	Yeah, and they're doing all this weird research, and they're playing with these like Wuhan-type chemicals, and they end up polluting the whole hive.
	So now these doctors are running around from floor to floor, a nice cheap soundstage from the zombies.
	And at one point, the whole tower becomes so polluted, even the dogs are getting zombified.
	And you see them and they're like in the thing.
	And then they run down later and the cages are open.
	And some fucking Puerto Rican behind me goes, oh, shit.
	And then he goes, who let the dogs up?
	No, he didn't.
	And everyone laughed their heads off.
	Oh, God.
	That is pretty funny.
	One time I was watching, I forget what movie with David Cross.
	And they showed a trailer for Troy.
	And it was like Brad Pitt and George Clooney and all these guys in Rome.
	And David goes, total hunk fest, you guys.
	And everyone died laughing, the whole theater.
	And then I think they showed Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon or something.
	And I said, I yelled out, Wow, Chilao Shu, Zai Chie.
	And everyone, the entire theater went, oh.
	Oh, wow.
	And like the people on either side of me both looked at me and went, ugh.
	They really don't get high humor.
	That's very funny.
	Yeah, I thought it was good.
	You're doing it.
	And then David goes, why'd you say that?
	I go, those are Chinese words.
	I think I said, I'm a teacher.
	Goodbye.
	That's the only thing you know.
	And he went, oh, okay, that's not so bad.
	Yeah, I guess because I think they thought I was like going, ching chong, ching, ching, fucking chinks.
	Yeah.
	I wasn't doing it.
	I went to see Seven Mile in the Lower East Side.
	Eight Mile?
	Eight Mile.
	And there's kids everywhere.
	It was like this.
	Oh, did I tell you about that?
	Sorry?
	The Super Bowl, the cops, they all bring their kids.
	I would say in a room of maybe 60 police and firemen, there was at least 12 kids from the ages of two.
	And at one point, this one guy goes, hey, can you turn it down?
	It's killing her ears.
	And the little kid is like this.
	She's blocking her ears.
	And I'm like, what?
	I didn't hear any of the ads.
	I didn't hear the Sopranos ad.
	Yeah.
	Because of fucking Julie's ear hole.
	Fucking Julie.
	So my other story is, so I'm watching 8-Mile, and there's this little kid there, and there's five-year-olds.
	And I say to the guy, I go, what is going on with the kids?
	And he goes, what do you mean?
	I go, this is a rated R movie.
	He's fucking a chick right now, and there's kids everywhere.
	And he goes, it's against the law to tell someone they can't bring their kids somewhere.
	Wow.
	I'm like, really?
	What about a bar?
	Is it your legal right to put a kid at the bar?
	I think it is.
	Restaurants say no, but that's their policy.
	I think the law in New York State is no dogs, but kids can go anywhere.
	Come on, non-dogs.
	No, yeah, it's true.
	And then there's a story.
	This kid's kicking my chair.
	I told you that one, right?
	Think so.
	Forget the movies.
	Kicking the back of my chair.
	I forgot it.
	I turn around.
	His mom's eating popcorn.
	I go, hey, stop kicking my chair.
	And the woman, instead of her leaning over and going, oh, hey, I'm sorry about that name.
	Miguel, what are you doing?
	No.
	She just eats popcorn like, those guys have a beef.
	I don't.
	Take it up with him.
	The kid was like eight, and she's not getting involved in our beef.
	Wow.
	That's his problem.
	I remember I scolded kids, me and my buddy Larry, were watching something, and these kids behind us just kept talking, just having fun.
	And I gave it way too much because I let it fester.
	And I was like, shut the fuck up.
	Shut the fuck up.
	And it was like so uncomfortable and so much that afterwards I sat there and I was like, that was not cool.
	And they were like kids.
	So it's like, that's when you learn that if people aren't on the same level of like, if they're intimidated by you, you don't need to bully them essentially.
	So I was like, you should be able just to go.
	Like on Seinfeld, the look.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	So I apologize.
	I was like, I told you at the time I went to see the new Mad Max.
	I was dressed up Mad Maxian with leather and studs and stuff.
	And I go, someone's sitting there?
	And the guy goes, he's with a friend, a female friend.
	He was gay.
	And there's a seat there.
	I guess I didn't have to sit next to him.
	I don't know why I wanted to.
	And he goes, yeah, someone's sitting there.
	And so I go, okay, so we move over.
	And then I go, I notice no one's coming.
	And so as the movie starts, I go, hey.
	And he goes, what?
	I go, your friend's late?
	And he's like, yeah, yeah.
	But he's coming, though, right?
	Yeah, yeah, he is.
	Okay.
	And then now I'm not watching the movie.
	I'm just staring at him because I'm so mad that he lied.
	And I go, now it's like 10 minutes in and I go, your friend's really late now, isn't he?
	And he goes, look, I don't know what you're getting.
	I go, you're a liar.
	You lied.
	And he goes, really?
	That's what we're going to do?
	We're going to be fighting in a theater?
	You want to ruin the movie?
	And I go, no, but I know you lied.
	And then I was pumped.
	And then he was pumped.
	And I ruined the movie for both of us.
	I think I told you this, but we're watching Bad Boys, the new one.
	Like, the last fucking band.
	Oh, the anti-white movie where all the white guys are, like, bumping into walls and going, let me help you out with that little man.
	Fucking corny ass cracker.
	So he gets the seats wrong.
	He thinks I'm in his seat.
	And he's like, you in my seat?
	And I was like, no, dude, check the ticket.
	He's like, like, when it's faced with the facts, like, is mad.
	Fucking racist-ass ticket.
	Yeah.
	And then he sits down.
	And maybe he realizes, like, oh, no, they took the seats.
	And then so they moved over.
	And then now we're all laughing and like sharing this experience.
	Like, anybody who's in that movie has seen and grown up with Bad Boys.
	So we're like, man, they put a cap on that.
	That feels pretty good.
	And after the movie, he stands up.
	He's like, hey, I want to apologize for the way I acted before in the movie.
	Because we all bonded through Bad Boys.
	It was gay.
	Yeah, it was gay.
	So anyway, in this movie, just to wrap this up, so the guy, EMTs finally come, like 30 minutes afterwards, they pause the screen.
	It's Dave Linglund's face, showered and come.
	Spoiler alert.
	And they just have it pause.
	Sorry, we're stopping the movie.
	This little Jewish kid comes in.
	He's like, we're stopping the movie.
	If you want to leave and come back, we'll give you tickets, blah, blah.
	We have a medical emergency.
	So everybody starts piling up and like looking down shot.
	What's happening?
	Yeah.
	It just paused on like a hymn filled, like with cum dripping on him.
	And so for about 15 minutes, it's like that until the EMTs finally come.
	Then they try to escort him out.
	He's just really drunk.
	You're bad luck at movies.
	Or maybe it's because you see them late on a Friday night.
	Possibly, yeah.
	But so now we're all bonding together over this.
	We're like, what's happening over there?
	Oh, it's a kid that's just drunk.
	And they're like, oh, yeah, I saw him.
	So now we're all talking about it.
	And yeah, the kid was like collapsed on the ground.
	They escorted him out.
	It took 20 minutes to get anybody on this.
	Staff, EMTs, and we were all sketched out until we found out it was the drunk kid.
	So that was that.
	And we just wound up watching the movie, and they didn't give us free movie tickets after that.
	There was nobody at the little fucking desk.
	Yeah, that happened to us last time there was a big pause.
	You had a big pause at Knoxville, too, at the Jackass, right?
	Yeah.
	When the kid was all crying, moaning, it was frozen on what?
	It was frozen on Dave England's face with cum all over him.
	Oh, I thought you were talking about the other movie was a big pause.
	No.
	Oh, okay.
	Who's this one?
	It was Jackass.
	I was that guy once.
	I got kicked out of a theater.
	No.
	Yeah.
	How does that happen?
	Twice.
	I've been kicked out twice.
	How does that happen?
	I was just, I don't remember the first one.
	I was fucking blind drunk hammered.
	So I probably had it coming.
	But I just remember the manager was like 16, and he had that Justin Bieber hair.
	And I just remember going, your hair doesn't have a beginning or middle or an end.
	It's 360 degrees.
	It's like Lego hair.
	I could rotate it and it wouldn't have...
	There's no bangs.
	There's no front.
	Fucking.
	Running bits, and he didn't think it was funny.
	That one didn't work.
	And then one time we went to see Lake Placid.
	I think I mentioned this on the show before.
	And we're like, where the fuck's the monster?
	It's been an hour.
	I haven't seen this giant alligator yet.
	So we left.
	And then we said, can we have our money back?
	And they go, no, it's been an hour.
	You didn't give me a monster.
	So then we go, fuck this.
	So we walked into a different movie.
	And we sit near the front because those are the only seats available.
	And we were dressed up.
	It was me, Derek Beckles, and our girlfriends.
	And we were all dressed 70s.
	Like we had leisure suits on and they had wigs on.
	We dressed up for like a funny little kooky idea.
	And we were partiers.
	And then the guys are like, they catch us and they see us going in.
	So they go to kick us out.
	And we pretend they don't exist.
	And we're just watching.
	And they're like, hey, excuse me.
	Excuse me.
	And we're just going.
	And then eventually the guy comes up and he's like, hey, excuse me.
	And we go, will you shut up?
	We're trying to watch the movie.
	So then they kick us out.
	And then on the way out, we were being, we kept sort of sneaking away from them.
	So they're holding onto us.
	And so on the escalator, Derek and I are both going like this.
	They took pictures.
	Our girlfriends took pictures of us both like this.
	Like radical revolutionaries.
	And then I told you the million, I'm not going to tell this story again, but there was a time where Derek and I went to see that movie with Martin Lawrence, and he decided he was going to make us totally humiliated by constantly yelling out shit and his laugh,
	over-laughing at every joke, like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, until other people were going, shut up.
	And he was yelling out things like, that's got to hurt.
	And at one point, they're on a rocket or something, and he goes, time for a hot foot.
	And then he gives it a standing ovation at the end with a slow collapse.
	And I'm just like, oh, God.
	And everyone gets up.
	It's a terrible movie, but everyone got up just to the nicest.
	But the thing I wanted to mention was, before we end this subject, is fucking, who's that?
	It's Stevo, dude.
	Oh, hey, Steve-O.
	New Yorkers mad that kids are coming to see UP and Tintin.
	Right?
	I told you that story.
	I walk into Up and I sit down two seats in front of a guy, and it's a relatively empty theater.
	This is in Brooklyn.
	And I hear the guy go, oh.
	And I go, I turn around and go, you okay?
	You all right?
	And he goes, of all the seats to sit in, you're kidding.
	And I go, I'm sorry if my child is ruining your children's movie.
	Yeah.
	Like up?
	If you work in animation, I guess you can see it.
	But I mean, I make fun of Ryan for a reason.
	We're in kids' movies.
	And then the other time I was with a whole bunch of dads, like three dads, and each of them had like two or three kids.
	So we had six kids all pouring in to see Tintin, the cartoon, the French cartoon.
	I think he's Belgian.
	And this old lady's there.
	She sees the first two kids go in first, and she goes, oh.
	And then once she sees that it's like seven kids, she goes, you've got to be kidding me.
	She said that.
	And then she grabs her coat in a rage and storms out.
	No.
	Because us kids ruined Tintin the fucking CGI cartoon.
	Dude, I have an idea.
	What's your idea?
	You want to go over the mini golf and fucking try to hit me in the balls, dude?
	Yeah, okay.
	Let's do it.
	Oh, right now?
	Alright.
	It's on the outside.
	Oh, wait, where's the goal?
	Here.
	Oh god!
	Lord, I've always watched the boy.
	I lost my gun at the character here.
	He's actually got a different voice nowadays.
	Less snappy.
	Yeah, less PC.
	There's a moral there, guys.
	Don't bite off more than you can chew.
	I got too excited.
	I really wanted to hurt his nuts in a serious way, and I hit it way too hard, and it didn't even go near his nuts.
	If I'd been calmer, it would have hit his nuts.
	Everyone would have had a laugh.
	It only takes but so much, like, hurt your balls.
	Just a flick.
	Dude, Aaron McGeehee, if he ever wanted to have kids after this movie, there's no shot.
	I don't know who I am anymore.
	Yeah, I talked to Knoxville about that once.
	Really?
	And he said that they did this microscopic look at their sperm, and he said his was destroyed.
	Wow.
	That's tatable.
	That's tatable at.
	All right, let's do the mailbag.
	I have to go get my computer.
	My computing.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	I think we told every single movie anecdote.
	By the way, my hemorrhoid update, I just saw the prep H in the briefcase.
	No change.
	It doesn't hurt anymore, but it's still sitting there.
	All of your tips that you sent in, though I appreciate it.
	I didn't do shit.
	So I'm going to be away most of next week.
	Oh.
	Going to AFPAC.
	Oh.
	Which is a sin.
	I see the bloggers freaking out.
	Oh, no.
	A white nationalist conference starring Michelle Malkin and Bryson Gray and John Miller.
	This is the clown world we're in.
	These bloggers openly call blacks white nationalists.
	And who cares if you're going to a conference?
	You have to agree with every single speaker at a conference?
	Are you that much of a pussy that you're not allowed to hear differing opinions?
	Why don't you go?
	If your job is monitoring hate as a journalist activist, you should be going to all of these things.
	Being a spy.
	Someone's asking about sprinkles.
	I'm dubious.
	We're always dubes.
	I found some funny sketch guy.
	Did you meet the new guy?
	They actually identify as a woman.
	Well, I identify as a guy with a huge cock, but we both know that's not true.
	So I was at the back yesterday.
	No offense.
	What do you mean?
	Well, you're Jewish, right?
	No.
	You're not Jewish?
	That's pretty good.
	That was one of three.
	There's number two.
	That was one of three.
	Here's number three.
	Oh.
	How do you say two?
	De?
	Oh.
	I heard Sarah and Margot are lesbians.
	What?
	Oh, I would kill to be a fly on that wall.
	Margo, Sarah.
	Come in, my Zoom room.
	You want to play softball later?
	I'd like to be the catcher.
	I'm wearing flannel panties.
	These are good.
	These are sprinkles.
	I got to say, I'm a real comedy snob.
	Let's see if it passes the three test.
	The twi test.
	The things I would do to Samantha in accounting don't even get leased.
	Hey, did you park in Craig's handicap spot?
	Craig's not handicapped?
	He's got cerebral palsy, dude.
	Ew.
	I thought he was gay.
	Wow, that's good.
	Hey, guys, I almost died on Saturday night from suffocation due to laughter.
	Oh.
	Watching this nine-second clip my friend sent me.
	Of course, he does not include the clip.
	Nope.
	Which is really cool.
	Oh, we could search his...
	I sent Ryan the reel via Instagram DM.
	Oh, I see.
	Interesting technique.
	Why can't you take those Instagram moment reels and do anything but Instagram them to other people within the Instagram world?
	True that.
	That's gay.
	Oh, wait.
	I know this guy, Walt.
	So what exactly is...
	Oh, I guess...
	Is that our clip?
	I've smoked crack.
	I've smoked crack.
	Is that it?
	No, that's not nine seconds.
	He said he sent it to you via Instagram.
	Yeah, but my DMs are bombed always.
	Is it...
	Let's see.
	It's from Walt.
	Okay.
	Oh, I don't want to dox everybody there.
	I only punch in.
	Okay, I'll read the next one while you handle that.
	Hello, Gav Meister3000 and Ryan Fagatino de la Fagazzona.
	I have a problem regarding my Red Wing 875 boots.
	The sole wears out.
	Yes.
	The sole does wear out very quickly in the back.
	So what you have to do is he wants me to describe it in more detail.
	I once hearing you talking about a little steel plate you had attached to your sole.
	You want more details?
	Okay, I'll try to extrapolate on this.
	It's not steel.
	It's hard plastic, if that helps, although I'm sure they have steel.
	But it's a little, it's kind of kidney bean shaped.
	It's about this big, and it goes on your outer or maybe interior.
	Anyway, part of your back heel.
	Have a cobbler nail it on.
	Wait, you have one?
	No.
	Okay.
	It's on that bottom lip there.
	Have a cobbler nail it on, and it stops the entire sole from wearing because it all starts with that one thing, and then it slowly gets worse from there.
	So should I get more details?
	I think it's made by a company named Kiwi.
	Here we go.
	Here's the clip.
	Get.
	It's a real medical condition.
	Here we go.
	It is pretty funny.
	That's not funny.
	He hits his balls with the...
	I don't know.
	I like this.
	Nope.
	What is it here?
	Heel savers?
	But that's not the...
	Yeah, I think that's them.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, they're called Kiwi Heel Savers.
	They're $3.
	Okay.
	Okay.
	Could you go into more details?
	Could you be shittier at looking stuff up, please?
	Holy fuck.
	There they are.
	Those are the things.
	Like, imagine hearing there's a little thing you can put on the sole of your shoe and saying, could I get a little more details, please?
	They're called heel savers, as you would imagine.
	Holy fuck.
	Invest in Google.
	It's cheap.
	I set my screen name to the bird which is the ball's eagle on a Zoom hearing discussion, the blackade at the Ambassador Bridge in Windsor.
	This is the Supreme Court of Ontario, and the dumb bitch said the bird which is the bald eagle.
	Have anybody else fully labeled?
	Jake.
	I have a Susie F with no last name and several numbers and the bird which is the bald eagle.
	This girl at this barmaid who saw me and Maddie after we got the binball game, I talked about for beers, and she sees our bald eagle tattoos and she goes, what's that?
	That looks weird.
	It's very realistic.
	And I explained to her what the bird which is the bald eagle is.
	It sounds so insane when you explain it to someone.
	It's one of the hardest things to convey.
	And I realized as I was conveying that I don't really get it either.
	Like, why did that explode?
	Which is the bald eagle?
	I don't know.
	It makes sense for me, though.
	The bird, which is the bald eagle.
	It sounds cool when you say the bird, which is the bald eagle.
	How the bird, which is the bald eagle.
	I don't know, but it's universal now.
	All right.
	Here's a final letter to the show from Lorraine McInnes.
	This is my mommy.
	Oh, hi.
	My mom has sent us a letter.
	Ready?
	Yes.
	What?
	Tyler led a peasants' revolt in England in the 14th century.
	I see the truckers.
	For some reason, the word truckers is in bold.
	I see the truckers and capitalized as a modern version.
	I've listened to their leader.
	I don't think he is a spokesman, but He makes way more sense than Bumbler Trudeau, which I guess is not hard.
	That's all in parentheses.
	Is it all about class?
	The deplorables versus the elites?
	Isn't Hillary Clinton a prize?
	What?
	Oh, yes, for the most corrupt American leader ever.
	She might not even be as bad as Biden as he is dismantling the U.S. brick by brick.
	This seems to be a sort of a freedom of thought, sort of a rambling, non-coherent stream of consciousness.
	That's the term I was looking at.
	Stream of consciousness.
	She sent this at 7.41 p.m.
	Now, my dad usually goes to the pub from 4 to 7, so I think she's pissed.
	She probably went with him and had her wines.
	The Ottawa police, in brackets, their chief is called slowly because that is his mental state.
	He's a retard.
	End of parentheses.
	Are stasi.
	And your brother said last year when we were thinking of going back to Canada.
	Oh, your brother said that last year.
	He's right.
	And it's not changing until people like the truckers win.
	Truckers is always capitalized.
	The whiners about the truckers, the now spelled Turkers, don't understand the very true saying, no pain, no gain.
	You have to put up with a little annoyance, but don't live downtown if you don't want noise.
	Anyone who worked downtown in Ottawa knows what I mean.
	We will call later on.
	And she did call, but I was at the Super Bowl, so I couldn't hear her.
	Which reminds me of these videos.
	Go to 2-2 and 2-3.
	Just a heads up, the first of the two final videos does not work.
	That's okay.
	Here we go.
	Edra Levant video.
	Okay, turn it up, Dickweed.
	My father told me.
	And then, number two, three, I'm starting to cry.
	You have no idea how much I cry when I'm preparing for this show.
	I have to drink a Gatorade so I won't get dehydrated.
	There's something about turning 50, you become a fucking crybaby.
	I'll fight anyone in the world.
	You could sue me, I'll go to court.
	I don't mind any of that kind of conflict.
	But as far as groups of people banding together to overcome adversity, water works.
	True.
	Water works.
	Triumph.
	Rapture.
	Oh, and don't even talk to me about military surprising their children after they come home.
	Or I might just turn into a sobbing mess right now.
	This is emotional, guys.
	Wouldn't that be funny if one of them had a mask on?
	Like, I don't think you'd get the points.
	I'm not vaccinated.
	Wow.
	Well, I sent a picture of myself last time I was preparing.
	I can't look at that without bawling my eyes out.
	That one was in the email, though.
	Yeah, I emailed it to you.
	No, I texted you.
	Actually, I think I emailed you.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I think that memory.
	I shouldn't have to remember that.
	You should know.
	How many pictures did you get of me crying?
	So many lies.
	All right, Ryan, we're left.
	I'm a cockeyed crybaby.
	All right, let's do the final video.
	Hell yeah, yeah.
	Don't forget that not everything is to be taken seriously.
	Don't fail to see the humor in day-to-day life.
	That includes major conflicts.
	I know your adrenaline is pumping, but you have to keep your head screwed on straight, practice adrenaline control, and have a good laugh while others are losing their cool, especially when people are losing their cool for no good reason.
	This woman is angry.
	This Karen is mad at this woman because she's not renting out boats.
	This woman does not rent out boats.
	She's merely at the, I don't know, kiosk at a dock where boats are parked.
	They're not available for you.
	And this Karen literally asks to speak to the manager.
	Done, and I need to get out of here.
	It doesn't work like that.
	It takes days.
	I want to talk to the manager.
	Okay, one second.
	Hi, how can I help you?
	What the fuck is your problem?
	I designed that.
	It was just you.
	You gave me there acting like you own the place.
	I want to rent a yacht.
	Does it work?
	You don't like me have yachts?
	I see them all around there.
	We don't have any yachts for rent.
	I see them.
	Whose bronze are they?
	They're personal yachts.
	You don't want to make no money here at this restaurant.
	I guess we don't.
	Well, what the hell are you doing?
	You cannot record me.
	That is against my HIPAA law.
	Give me that.
	That got a little too perfect at the end.
	I'm sensing staged my hip-o-law.
	And it was too quick of a...
	What the hell are you recording?
	You know?
	I'm sensing Fenanigans.
	Yeah.
	And there's plenty of stuff she could have broken there.
	Jars, glass jars.
	She chose easily pickuppable magazines.
	Ah, poop.
	Well, anyway, if that was true, then she's handling correctly.
	I want you guys to have fun and see the humor in everything because it's only a game.
	What does he say?
	Always look on the bright side of life.
	Or the specials have that song.
	Fuck, now we got to dig it up.
	I think it's from More Specials.
	And it's like, enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink.
	The years go by.
	It's faster than you think.
	Enjoy yourself.
	Enjoy yourself while you're still in the pink.
	Let's go out on that song.
	Okay.
	Hello, I'm Terry.
	Okay.
	What an intro.
	This was Bernie Rhodes' band, the guy who ruined the clash.
	Here we go.
	Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
	Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself.
	It's later than you fear.
	Hello, Hunteri, and I'm going to enjoy myself first.
	It's good to be wise when you're young.
	Cause you can only be young, but for once.
	Enjoy yourself and have lots of fun.
	Somebody never thought.

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