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Nov. 26, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
57:20
S04E60 - THANKSGIVING MAILBAG 2
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Time Text
Stand strong, stand proud, state your feelings loud.
That's Becky Bondage screaming at us from the late 70s and her band Vice Squad.
This is back when blue hair didn't mean annoying person.
It meant punk.
Punk.
Punk rock.
Welcome back to another banked episode.
I'm wearing a scarf that my bartender gave me.
It says Jim Beam.
I don't like Jim Beam, but it's cool for a scarf.
Ryan, what are you wearing today?
That's dope.
It's got your face on it.
The Joker face.
Alright, Bryce.
Bryce did this.
Thank you.
So what are you doing right now?
It's Thursday.
This is usually the live show.
Oh, shoot.
We should be reading.
Oh.
Yeah.
Let's make this the Friday show.
Okay.
You okay?
Yes.
Yes, yes.
Yeah, then we'll do we can do something kooky for Thursday, like watch a movie, maybe?
Mabes?
Mabes?
Moms, maybe.
Maybe we could watch that thing where they're cats.
No, we already watched that.
There's something else that's super gay that someone suggested for a movie.
New gay?
What the fuck was it?
Like everyone's oh uh The Nutcracker?
Yeah they did a live-action Nutcracker and apparently it's the worst movie ever made.
Cool.
That's what we should do for the Thursday show.
Which you're if you're watching Friday now, that's what we did yesterday.
We're time traveling.
You didn't think time traveling was possible?
It is.
Is it this?
In the four realms.
You know what I'm the first place I'm going when I get a time machine?
That night I took two Asians home, one with gigantic tits, and I fell asleep as they blew me.
Damn.
Yeah.
Then I want to see the Sex Pistols first show at the 100 Club.
Same with The Clash.
Then I'm just going to tool around.
I'm not killing Hitler.
Sorry.
Where am I?
You're in the Four Realms, Princess Clora.
Princess.
At your service, Your Majesty.
Maybe I have been spending too much time with the acting.
Welcome to our world.
The land of Sweets.
It's not so bad.
And it's a kids' movie.
And the fourth realm.
This is where our troubles began.
Where's the nutcracker proper?
Don't you know it's dangerous here?
I hope you'll be the one to finish it.
It's time to save the kingdom.
It's just laws of physics.
It's Alice in Crackerland?
With Tyler the Creator?
Who cares?
Yeah, that's not...
It should be...
That's a low-hanging fruit.
Shouldn't watch that.
We'll figure it out.
Yeah, welcome back to This Is The Friday Show.
So what are you doing right now, Ryan?
It's Friday, the November somethingeth.
Hanging with the fam, maybe going on a stroll if weather permit is permitted.
Have you ever had a fight with your fam?
No, we've had arguments on because her emotion.
I mean, these are the things that she takes back because she's like, I'm sorry, who's she?
Oh, my wife.
Oh, I'm with my family?
Yeah, yeah.
I can't really imagine those Recons because you're like a Japanese.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I play guitar.
And Puerto Ricans are like, hey, man, whatever.
They're chang.
They're cheech.
Yeah, you want to abandon your kid and just will raise him?
Okay.
I think there had to have been some, like, me wanting to go out or something.
And what about a fuck you?
Did you ever say fuck you?
I said fuck you to my uncle.
And he was like, as I was slamming the door, he was like, what the fuck did you say to me?
And he's like, walk into it, and I just shut the door and locked it.
And I was like, woo, don't do that again.
What, the front door?
No, my door.
My room.
Did you lock on your door?
My bedroom?
Yeah.
I couldn't lock it when girls were over.
If I was going to discipline a kid, I would just kick the door in.
Usually doors have.
It's not his house.
He would be kicking down my grandfather's house.
He's the Vietnam vet?
No, my grandfather's a Vietnam vet.
My uncle's like pretty young.
Who was the one when you said on your feet, soldier?
My grandfather.
Okay.
Say it again, the way you said it.
Come on.
No.
Come on.
Did you kick the mattress?
On your feet, soldier!
Did you kick the mattress he was on?
No.
On your feet, soldier.
Come on, buddy.
I love you.
Guess what, Gramps?
I fucking love you.
I called him Corporal, too.
Come on, Corporal.
On your feet.
It's like when my buddy Derek wrote out the lyrics to Boys Don't Cry from the Cure, and he put it on the bulletin board in the kitchen when his parents were getting divorced.
And he's like, hey, Dad.
And he tapped the lyrics and walked away.
Oh, my fault.
Oh, my stars.
I thought about something the other day that really cringed me out.
I would call the popular girls at school and talk to them for a little bit.
Like, I had no fear with that.
I was just like, hey.
And I was on the phone with Megan Weinberger.
And we're talking about Kate Rowley.
These were the hottest girls in the school by far.
We're in fifth grade.
That's my favorite age.
Currently?
Yeah, I like 10-year-old girls to talk to.
I don't act on it, though.
I'm a map.
I'm a minor attracted person.
You're a virtuous.
And I'm so sick of people calling us child molesters.
Don't you think you'd have to molest a child to be a child molester?
True.
We just want to.
Yeah, what is this fucking child molesters?
We're pedophiles, and we're sick of being associated with those fucking creeps.
That's right.
A fantasy is a fantasy.
We just draw little naked 10-year-old girls with watercolor and jerk off on them.
I haven't done that.
I'm doing it right now with my feet.
That's gross.
And impressive.
Thank you.
So I was on the phone with Megan Weinberger, and she was like, I could three-way call her and see what she thinks of you.
I was like, okay.
She's like, don't say anything, though.
I was like, all right.
And so we call up Kate Rowley.
I just remember this for the first time, like two days ago, and my whole body cringed up.
And she's like, hey, Kate.
She's like, hey, what's up?
I just had a quick question.
She's like, okay.
She's like, what do you think of Ryan Rivera?
She's like, I don't know.
He's kind of cute.
And then I'm still on the phone.
I'm like, kind of cute, huh?
That's not that embarrassing.
But she got in trouble.
It's just I couldn't help myself.
Like, I was supposed to be quiet.
That story put me in.
You had to be there.
I remember there was this girl, Sue Walker, I liked.
And I kind of broke the mold with dating younger girls in high school.
I was 18, she was 15, but that was crazy back then.
Possibly illegal.
I took her to prom.
She was super hot.
Then I got bored of her.
And like I always did as a young man, as a teenager, I'd dump a girl, and then I'd immediately regret it and try to get her back.
And that's not how women work.
Once burnt, twice shy.
So I was trying to get her back.
She wasn't interested, obviously.
And I called her.
I said, hey, man, we should go out.
Maybe just go get a soda or something.
And then I found out she went bowling with Andy Miller, my friend Andy Miller.
And so I called her, and she picked up and I went, so I heard you went bowling.
And she goes, yeah, why?
And I go, well, I had asked you out that night.
And I go, that really stings.
And guess what I hear after?
Gunshot, hopefully?
A cacophony of laughter from all of her friends.
She had me on speakerphone.
Yes.
And so there was like five friends there.
She goes, and I'm like, wow, that really stings.
Oh.
And then I hear, oh my God, that's so great.
I deserve every second of it.
Then one time I asked a girl out like this, so I says, hey, Jojo, do you want to blank out with me?
And she had to fill in the blank.
She was like, what?
I was like, go out with me?
I've noticed now, you know, that's like 40 years ago in a man's life.
Now with sex with my wife, I'm like, show kids are away.
Maybe see if we could look into maybe horsing around?
Horsing around is what you call it.
I say horsing around.
She says snuggle.
That's kind of fun.
You keep it fun.
One of my favorite.
You're youngsters.
I guess you just go to your wife and go, hey, let me see your tits and blow me.
Now.
I guess.
I'm trying to look for it.
I think I screenshot it, but it's you on Anthony's show.
No, it's not Anthony's show.
It's U2's show, Compound Censored.
And you're talking about how you'll just kind of like hint.
You'll be like, you were leaving to get in your car and you're in the driveway and you're like, hey, bye.
She's like, bye.
You're like, bye.
And you just keep saying bye.
I'm in a rush.
I'm actually early for work today.
Oh, my God.
I do have time to get up.
That killed me.
I saved it, but I'll put it up later.
Okay, yeah, you put it up later.
I regret, though, in my single days, not just having my wife or my girlfriend who at the time just like be nude at all times.
No one could see into my apartment in the East Village.
So get your fucking clothes off.
Yeah.
You can keep your shoes on.
Even like sneakers looks kind of cool.
But no clothes.
Because now you can't be nude at all.
So yeah, that's what you do.
You're just like, hey, let's do this now.
Yeah, I talk like Bill Burr.
I'm like, hey, you, close, off.
Yeah.
Brutal.
Blow it.
Blow me, bitch.
Basically.
All right.
This is a pre-taped app.
They're not very exciting.
They're just there so you don't fall out of love with us.
We are currently enjoying our families, and I guess people watching now don't have any families who love them.
And that's sad.
Sorry to hear it.
We're your family now.
Yep.
We're your family now, bitch.
Take the trash out.
That's what I would do if I adopted a kid.
I'm your dad now, motherfucker.
Yeah.
This is a badass family.
You're about to get badass loved.
Here's your room, bitch.
Here's your fucking dinner.
You just throw it on the table.
It bounces.
It bounces.
All right, let's go to the mailbag.
Of course, which is, of course.
The old crutch, the mailbag.
Mail.
The crutch bag.
Let's turn our eyes together.
Let me touch it.
Content warning.
Girl learns she doesn't have super strength.
Girl definitely gets traumatic brain injury.
So this is don't try this at home.
And if you're eating, you're about to see something super fucking horrible.
Don't be a little girl.
Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Ryan, watch that off-camera and make sure that it's not the little girl that gets hurt.
Okay.
I cannot see children in duress.
Gavin, you've passively mentioned you're working a new book.
Could we get the details on that?
Love the Death of the Cool.
It's a surprise.
But I'm 90% done the first draft.
And then this is how you write a book, folks.
No, it is not the little girl.
You write it all out.
And you go back over it with a whiskey.
And you add balls to everything.
You take out all the apologies.
Then you get a bit of a buzz.
And you go back over it and you inject in some humor.
Adderall can help.
Actually, Adderall just gets it out in the first place.
So Adderall gets it out.
Whiskey gives it balls.
Pop makes it funny.
And then there's a couple days where it's just coffee and a good meal, a good breakfast.
And that's when you kill your darlings and trim the fat.
Ryan, I sent this from the future.
This show is sucking.
It's really boring.
I know you're away and you banked the show, but just reading letters for the entire episode, didn't you already do that?
Look at this.
Remember that picture of us where we're by the well?
I'm standing and you're sitting on the well?
Does that look familiar?
We're gone.
If this show doesn't, uh-oh, the sun's setting, literally.
If this show doesn't start improving like now, we're going to cease to be, I don't know, read better letters, screen them or something?
It's really lackluster and it's sucking bad.
That's how to win.
I just want to do, oh, this is ancient Chinese secret, dude.
That's so old.
There's no real content warning for it.
Have you not seen that before?
I've seen it.
Yeah, I've seen it a million times.
There ain't no blood in it, no nothing.
What a dork.
Oh, that's cool.
Gents, like Gavin says, we can separate who they are from the parts they play or something like that.
My guilty pleasure is Nick Lutzko.
He's a huge leftist shill, but he makes some catchy tunes.
May I recommend this song?
Yes, you have.
This guy, by the way, Nick, would like a shout-out for his 42nd birthday.
Okay.
Happy birthday.
Shit lips.
I'm bored already.
Jump in the middle.
Boring.
Hello, my two dads.
On an episode earlier this week, you showed the video of the woman under the dumpster.
Well, there was a guy who used to do porn with Liz Vicious.
He was zooted and fell asleep in a dumpster, then was picked up by a garbage truck, dumped in the back, and taken to a sorting factory where he later died.
Kind of crazy.
Oh, shit.
Wow.
He used to do porn with Liz Vicious.
What does that mean?
Hey, Gavin Rai.
I was watching the JCS channel on YouTube where they analyze police interrogations and explain what was going through the suspect's mind.
This woman killed the wife of her ex-boyfriend and caught 25 years.
Oh, no, she got caught 25 years later.
From the moment they start questioning about the victim, she pulls the best fight face you've ever seen.
Go anywhere in the video after the 10-minute mark.
Yeah, this is a great one.
This is probably their...
Oh, this is another ancient Chinese secret.
That's what the chronos seem to indicate.
The detective now subtly avoids the camera.
Yeah, she works for the police.
The only way they can get her in the interrogation room is to trick her to think they're having a private conversation.
And coincidentally, that's the only place where you can't be armed in there.
So she has to take her firearms, put them away.
Oh, wow.
And they submit this not as an interrogation, but as security footage since they're recording her.
So this was like kind of a loophole to...
Come up to you at your desk and ask those kinds of questions or do anything.
You know how up there people can see what's going on if you go into an interview room or people are in there doing some plots.
So we wanted to afford you some privacy, some confidentiality to talk about this because we thought it might be, you know, something, you know, you're married to someone else, obviously, and so forth, and that you may not want to talk about these things in that setting where someone, you know, we don't want the rumor mill or gossip or any of that kind of stuff to start.
It's fine, I mean.
So we did this just as a means to try and get it.
Can you just posit?
I don't have sympathy for murderers, but can you imagine how much you'd be shitting in your pants right now?
The whole, every time I watch one of these, I'm the killer for some reason.
And I'm like, I would just be like, they would have to wear gas masks.
I would be farting such hot, steamy fire farts.
My anal lips would be bleeding.
Oh, yeah, those hot.
Those ones where you go, is there going to be a burn mark on this chair?
I think I just shot hot fire.
You are guilty of murder and also destruction of property.
You were guilty of one murder.
You're now guilty of two.
Place where you, you know, where your business isn't out there for other people in your division to have a.
Whether it be shock or the total reluctance to accept the situation at hand, Stephanie warily accepts the reassuring response.
Never appreciate it.
Never talk at all.
Don't say anything.
It doesn't make you look better.
What'd you do?
Oh, we're giving up.
You know, we dated.
I dated other guys.
I'm sure he dated other girls.
Let me ask you.
Roughly, how long would you say you guys dated?
Oh, geez.
Notice how she now goes on to overexplain things that don't require an explanation and weren't even inquired about.
It's a clear-cut indication of hyper-arousal and a derivative of TMT, also known as terror management theory.
The suspect loss of unrelated tangents as means for getting momentary relief.
Going into detail about trivial things affords her a brief escape from the terrifying reality eventuating before her.
This is a very common experience in Europe.
I killed my husband.
I started School there in 78.
I started UCLA in 1978.
I graduated in 82.
I don't even remember what year he graduated, if it was a year or two before me.
I think he was a little bit older than I was.
I mean, I can't remember for his son.
Let's see, I was born in 60, 1960.
I don't know if he was born in 58 or 59.
I mean, I don't fucking care.
I mean, I knew his parents.
I knew his family.
We're past the 10-minute mark, right?
Yeah, any of these faces are adrenaline fight face, basically.
You know what reminds me of, have you ever seen this is really fucking good?
Highly recommend the staircase.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
About this guy.
It's six-hour doc, but you'll end up watching it in one sitting.
It'd be a good Thanksgiving movie, actually.
Brings your family together.
It's not political at all.
But this guy's wife falls down the stairs and she dies.
Oh, well, that's sad.
And then we find out, wait a minute, you were previously married in Germany?
Yeah, yeah, I don't like talking about it.
Didn't she fall down the stairs too and die?
Yeah.
I'm not very lucky with the old staroonies.
And then we find out that he was sucking some dicks.
He was a fag.
And so they go, there's a guy here who says he's your boyfriend and you used to have sex with him.
And he does this face where he goes, what?
What the?
Holy geez.
Okay, now I've heard everything.
Like, what will they think of next?
No, he has pictures of you guys naked fucking.
Okay.
Very talented Photoshoppers, I'd imagine.
Wow, this is woo.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
What will they think of next?
Anyway, I got to the airport bye.
Jim and Sam have a clip of him where he's like, Jesus Christ.
He's like, clearly being told.
Is this the spot?
Have you found it?
I hope so.
Why do you think Clayton?
Because I think we need to establish...
Let's put it this way.
Suppose Clayton had found that three months ago, during jury selection.
Would there be any doubt in your mind as we sat there and listened to Hardin talk about the blow poke and how they got rid of the blow poke and the blowpoke's the murder weapon and Deborah Radish says, oh yeah, this is it because it's hard enough, but it's not too hard.
Would there be any doubt in your mind that we'd want to put that blow poke into evidence?
That's him.
The only thing, the only fly in the ointment is that we found it last night, not three months ago, right?
I mean, that...
No, this isn't.
I mean, let's all get clear on that.
Isn't that really the issue?
If we had found this, you know, if you had found this six months ago.
Scarves.
I don't.
I never wear them.
Oh, my neck's cold.
What?
You guys have a jacket on and you're warm, or you don't and you're cold.
What is this?
Ooh.
Ooh, I got to get my scarf.
Fuck off.
Scarf.
Now I really want to find that clip, but I'll keep reading while you look.
Hey, Gav Maddie, who's no longer with us, he's probably...
I assume he will be dead by the time we show this episode.
So let's just say, let's assume he's dead and we miss him dearly.
Today I had one of those stupid thoughts that makes you wonder if you're actually retarded.
Yep, I've had those.
Have you ever looked for your glasses for 20 minutes with your glasses on?
I was taking a shit at the office.
Yes.
And as I stood up, I caught a whiff of the massive log I dropped.
Without thinking, I muttered to myself, wow, my ass smells like ass.
Just figured y'all would get a kick out of me being a retard.
Sincerely, Gen Z baby monster.
P.S. They always got to do two.
How about bringing back car guys?
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, maybe.
Here's a fun one from Tatted and Datted.
Anything but white.
It really is, this clip really summarizes the fucking clown world we're living in.
So stupid.
That's a good question.
Did you guys run out of the white ones already, sold out of them or something?
I see phenomenally black, Asian, Latina.
I figured there was like a phenomenally white one thing.
I haven't seen any of that.
That's weird, huh?
Phenomenally Latina.
Phenomenally black.
Phenomenally Asian.
Phenomenally white.
Not allowed.
Isn't that so weird?
Why can you say black power, but you can't say white power?
Because whites are in control.
Yeah, well, it's mostly white country.
Whites are also not in control.
Like the Kyle Rittenhouse trial, if anyone's honest with themselves, it's about class.
If he was rich, we wouldn't have seen him on the stand.
He's white trash, and that's the least popular person in America.
Australian MP Bob Catter segues from gay marriage to croc attacks.
Okay.
Do you got that?
So crocs are attacking us because we're gay?
And a final observation on the same-sex marriage debate from Bob Catter.
I mean, you know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities.
You know, I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms, blooms, far as I've concerned.
You know, but I ain't spending any time.
Isn't that a male quote?
A thousand blossoms, blooms, far as I've concerned.
But I ain't spending any time, Warren, because in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.
So we should put the whole country on hold until we sort out that particular war.
It's a very compelling point.
That was fun.
Gavin Ryan stumbled across this account whilst keeping up with the Rittenhouse trial on Twitter.
Find it hard to imagine a more perfect summation of the state of the liberal mind than these two back-to-back tweets.
The real RG, Rachel Gordon, XO.
I've been sick all week thinking about this Rittenhouse trial.
We need a verdict now, and it better be harsh.
I can't even breathe right now.
I'm so happy that Julius Jones was granted clemency.
That's perfect.
I didn't know he was granted clemency.
That Sucks.
This is Friday.
We recorded this.
Julius Jones.
I thought he was granted clementines.
They gave him small oranges.
Yeah, it was his final meal.
That'd be funny if you get your final meal and you're just like, I'll just have an orange.
You can have steak.
You can have anything.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Okay, two oranges, please.
A clementine, tangerine.
I don't care.
It'll go to my hips if I eat anything large.
I'm allergic to citrus.
Your hips are about to go to heaven, so.
Or hell.
Death sentence for Julius Jones, reduced to life in prison.
I mean, I don't understand why they wanted to hurt him.
All he did was go up to some dude and assassinate him in front of his daughters, the guy's daughters, the victim's daughters.
And then the only evidence they had was his gun and the DNA and a description from the daughters who watched him kill him.
That's it.
Now, then what's really important is that Julius Jones claims the cop who arrested him is racist.
As far as I'm concerned, that's a get-out-of-jail free card.
Great Scottish song for you, opening song.
And then he sends us Maul of Kintire, which is a very popular wing song.
Now what are you going to send me next?
Hotel California?
Should I check out the Eagles?
Um.
Where?
What'd he say?
Okay, you ready?
Well, you got his statement.
What'd he say?
Said you had sex with him.
Oh, you're shitting me.
There it is.
Four or five times.
Where?
In the butthole.
I don't know all the details.
It doesn't matter where, you fucking gay idiot.
Yeah.
I'm your lawyer, dude.
You just made this really difficult for me.
With your.
It's because I was skimming through all the stuff, and when I came to his.
You're kidding me!
That's what he's claiming?
Yeah.
That's just blew him once.
Oh, my.
Everybody wants a piece of you.
Jesus Christ.
Or everybody claims to have it.
Just because I fucked him, he's running around telling people that I fucked him.
Where'd he get that idea?
Was it my dick in his butt?
Where did he get the perfect balls?
Delicious balls.
I tasted his balls.
I don't remember them being this big.
A piece of you.
Jesus Christ.
Or everybody claims to have a piece of you.
One of the two.
And you have a statement.
Yeah.
But no footage?
Send me a copy of that statement.
I'm dying to see that.
I'll get it tomorrow.
Was it a short statement, a long statement?
About a page and four.
Well, it's about eight and a half inches, a statement.
But when you get to the end, it explodes all over your face.
Right now, you can see the lawyer, just like our black guy with the bald eagle.
You can see the lawyer just going, I fucking hate my job.
Why did I trust this imbecile?
Half.
Okay.
Handwritten.
Handwritten?
Handwritten?
Are there hearts on the eyes?
He has hands.
He didn't indicate where this great love affair took place.
Yeah, but Mike, I cannot remember it.
Rather know now than later.
I'll say.
God, I'll say for sure.
So I talked to Dave about Dennis, and we're going to rethink.
You can't look at him in the eyes.
Yeah, it's like...
You know what's going on there?
The lawyer's mad at himself.
He's like, I thought I had a better bullshit meter than this, but I did not see this coming.
The guy's a fag.
I happen to think he's contemplating.
He's like, so gay.
So he's a gay.
Listen, then rethink as to how to approach it.
He's answering gay.
He's literally doing the thing.
You're like, all right, holy shit.
So let me get this straight.
I quote unquote fucked him in his butt.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, it actually didn't say that at all.
Check out Kiltoni has a lot of good stand-ups getting big off his show.
Anyway, I feel like this guy has the sprinkles.
Skip to 46 minutes.
Let us do that.
Okay.
Let us get started.
46 minutes is the time.
There we go.
Let's see what happens next.
Like Nat Rogachevsky.
Here we go.
Here he comes.
See what he's got.
Come on, everybody.
Come on, Rogachevy.
Come on, Nat.
Yo, what's up?
If he's Nat Romachevsky, then who is?
You ever see like a really fat guy like fixing his hair in the bathroom?
Like...
What are we doing?
The guy's like...
All right, problem solved.
That's good.
Now they won't know I'm fat as fuck.
I don't know if you guys heard DC Comics just announced their very first transgender superhero.
First ever DC Comics transgender superhero.
Her name is, what's it?
Her name is Wonder If It's a Woman.
Wonder if it's a Woman.
Disney on me.
Yes, keep clapping.
Let's keep clapping until the meow.
Keep clapping until the meow.
I don't have time for my last joke.
Keep clapping until the meow.
You want to do one more joke?
Is that a good thing?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Great.
Yeah, so I was at HEB the other day.
I was getting helped out by a person that was over there.
It was a transgender person.
Their name was Alex, but they spelled their name A-L-Y-K-S.
And I was Like, look, man, you already changed your name.
You don't have to change the name.
Matt Rogachevsky.
Wow.
Awesome.
You know, that's really challenging, too.
Like, a good comedy club has the vibe where someone is a friend of yours and they're wandering out and just telling a story.
You can just happen to see them very well and they're speaking very clearly.
That's kind of the subtext of a comedy club, right?
You're with your friends, and there's a funny guy over there who's very easy to hear.
It's a trick, but it works.
But that is like there's a board of directors that are here to analyze your joke.
Are you listening to me?
Yep.
And then you have this time zone.
So it's extra impressive that he was able to make us all laugh in that environment because it's very easy to flop.
Yeah.
What are you doing there?
He almost did flop until he like inserted confidence back into the joke.
And he also only had two quick bits.
And he dragged them out for a short thing.
What's the noise going on over there?
I'm making a new drop.
Whoop, whoop.
It's a sound of the police.
That?
Yes.
Gentlemen, this is Ancient Chinese Secret, but I never miss a JML episode.
I've seen this a million times.
I didn't put on the show because it was whatever, but why not?
Whoop, whoop.
What's up, Don?
Get that shit, bro?
Oh, I gotta go back to my three boxes.
Oh, you wanna believe what happened?
Chick, right?
There's this dude.
This nervous chick.
This nervous pipe.
And it broke.
And we ran.
And there was like CPS.
There was security everywhere.
And I hit these guys and they hit me.
And I hit him.
And they called cops.
And they came.
They let me go.
Just shit.
Disease.
Just disappoints.
Jesus shit.
$3?
$3.
$3?
What did you get, you guys?
$3?
$3.
Push him.
You got the crack here, right?
Oh, no crack.
Oh, fuck.
You guys got the crack?
Fuck you guys.
Fuck the crack.
Who fuck you then?
Just leave, you got me seen.
Boy, they get grumpy when they don't get their drugs, huh?
Yo.
Come on!
I guess you read a funny letter or something.
Things are improving.
Look, you can sort of make us out, but it still reeks generally as an episode.
I mean, the fuck are you guys talking about?
Couldn't you have got a guest on or something?
Elaine, do you even care?
Do you even like your jobs?
Just a bored guy who seems kind of, I don't know, tired?
Reading these shitty letters.
I don't blame people for quitting.
I don't blame them for...
I don't blame this photograph for fading.
Actually, even this is sucking.
Maybe we deserve to lose subs.
Maybe we shouldn't come back after Thanksgiving.
Should this be the end of Get Off My Lawn?
I love fucking with drug addicts.
Like even when they're your buddies.
I remember back in the Coke days, I'd always have an extra bag and they'd go, oh, we're out.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, well.
And then I'd let it die for a bit.
And I'd be like, what's this, folks?
That's amazing.
And then we'd go, yeah.
But my buddy Sharky was brutally addicted.
Like, I went to South by Southwest with him.
We party.
We get there like at whatever, 4 p.m.
And we partied all night.
Oh yeah, that's it.
We would get the earliest flight we could like 6 a.m.
So we'd party all night.
Bars close at 4.
We'd get to the airport at 5 and party in the plane or sleep in the plane, whatever.
Then you get there.
We get some blow.
We're partying South by Southwest, Austin, Texas, back before it was woke.
I'm talking about the early aughts now.
I go back to our hotel room where we have two beds, right?
I sleep in my bed eight hours, probably got home around two or three in the morning.
Wake up at 11, phone's ringing.
Come on, guys.
What's going on, guys?
Let's go get some brunch.
I need eggs.
I love the way people in Texas talk.
And I go there.
There's Sharky.
Hey, buddy.
Remember, we were up all night the night before.
Now he's up all night.
It's two nights he's up, right?
Just nose cane.
I go, hey, dude, you okay?
And he's like, I'm fucking ready to rack.
So we party.
Obviously, if you have mimosas and bloody Marys at breakfast, you're partying all day.
Party all day.
All night.
If I start at 11 by fucking 11, I'm done.
Remember the rules for partying, folks at home?
It's the acronym Downer.
Don't clockblock.
Only 13 hours.
So if you start at 11 a.m., you got to go home at midnight.
Water a plenty.
What was N?
Maybe N was never cockblocked?
E was eat your dinner, and R is regulate your bumps.
He was doing none of those.
He was not following any of our laws.
So that night, I go to bed at midnight.
Sleep for probably like eight hours.
I wake up, the bed's unmade again.
This happened a third fucking time.
We had that hotel for three nights.
He never slept there once.
Oh, sorry.
The very last night, he did show up.
And I said, remember our rule, never, oh, that was N, never after four.
That's the N, right?
And guess what he did at 3.58 a.m.
Went to bed and drank, wait, drank water, went to bed.
Wrong.
At 3.58 a.m.
These are our rules.
We made them up.
You're only hurting yourself, dude.
So he wants to follow our rules that we created, our own parameters, and he violates them.
So at 3.58, he lays out like three pinkies, giant white caterpillars.
Three lines where if you did them right now, you go, oh boy, of melatonin.
Yes.
And so that's 358.
359 grabs a pint glass of vodka.
Jesus Christ.
So, like, he just snorted enough to keep him up for another two hours, 5-6.
And he can't sleep, obviously.
So he goes, hey, man, this is early aughts.
He goes, can I borrow your iPod?
And I go, yeah, sure.
And I wake up, like, maybe 40 minutes later to this.
He was fucking me.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed listening.
I heard...
There we go.
Do I list what the downer is?
I believe you're doing this, right?
Follow the downer rules.
I believe you go into it.
He's listening to Susudio on my iPod.
Like at the edge of my bed, going...
So he's sober now.
All the guys I used to party with, like, fucking, are NAA or dead.
It's not a good sign.
I don't know why it was on my iPod.
I apologize.
Did you show that kid?
Ryan, did we show the traumatic brain injury video?
Let's see.
I don't think so.
No, no.
What are you doing?
Just look up traumatic.
I gotta tell you how to do your goddamn job.
The girl's been on my mind.
Okay, hurry up, dude.
You're on TV.
What?
No, in the fucking email.
Holy shit, you're stupid.
Look up traumatic.
You think it's going to be the first thing that comes up on the entire internet?
What are you doing now?
I got one that says COVID, and then I says one that we already watched.
The one that I was worried about, the little girl getting hurt.
Yeah, yeah.
Did we show that whole thing?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, weird.
And it was ancient Chinese.
Hey, Gavin, Ryan, guys, saw this and thought of Ryan's amazing Eastern European music.
She is the hottest Dutch rapper right now and 100% my type.
Thank you, guys.
Congrats on the new baby.
I want to fuck you with my new sunglasses.
Okay?
We open the show with this.
Oh, this is ancient.
Fuck off.
Somebody don't watch the show.
Stop sending us the same shit again and again.
Stop it.
By the way, I've received that video a hundred times.
Actually, I'm going to tell that guy to fuck off.
I'll do that later, though.
Because when you respond to an email, it goes back to the top of the list now, and you have to burrow and forage to try to find where you were.
Dear G-Dog, Fag Dynasty, and Maddie the Man, how's it going, A?
Your favorite Canuck rapper Tom McDonald here writing into the show to thank you for your constant support and your willingness to read all my letters.
This one is a suggestion for you to check out Tony Heller on YouTube, a virulent takedown artist of the left's constant climate alarmism using historical analysis and explaining most of their science is faulty or has improper context.
Even makes it simple enough that someone as retarded as Ryan can understand it.
That's such a weird graphic.
Nation's climate policy.
Apparently the Democrats felt they needed people who are better educated than AOC or Greta.
Now let's review the problem which my software will help Climate Alarmist solve.
This is the main page from the part of the National Climate Assessment which went out to journalists and policymakers.
This page contains a lot of graphics.
Here's one which shows heat waves increasing since 1960.
Here's another one which shows Arctic sea ice declining since 1979.
And another one which shows wildfires increasing since 1983.
And one more which shows sea level rising since 1920.
So we have one graph which starts in 1960, another which starts in 1979, another which starts in 1920, and one more which starts in 1983.
When you want to mislead people with statistics, picking your start date is very important.
First, let's look at the heat wave graph which starts in 1960.
They carefully picked a period during the global cooling scare to start their graph so that they could show heat waves increasing over time.
And here is the underlying data from the part of the National Climate Assessment which didn't go out to journalists and politicians.
This graph is warm spells days, this one is heat wave magnitude, and this one is warmest temperature of the year.
As you can see, summers were much hotter in the United States prior to 1960.
So by hiding all the data before 1960, they were able to show a little bit of an upwards trend.
Yeah, that's a great point.
When you're looking at charts and they all have different days, they all start at different days, someone is trying to manipulate.
Look at this.
Remember this picture from when this happened?
Not just recently.
That's my boy John Pierce.
That's his first lawyer.
That's the guy who raised $2 million for him.
Wait, isn't that John Pierce in the front seat?
No, that was the current guy.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
The current guy looks like Tommy Lee Jones.
Yeah, he's.
That's him.
Okay.
We're going to get to the next one.
this is a Friday show.
You're a week off.
Yeah, this is a long time ago, but remember that?
That was cool.
What's up, man?
I'm glad to be emailing you as you are a fucking legend.
I think it's awesome how much you push the family union and are a pretty authentic guy.
I'm emailing you because I want to show you my YouTube channel.
I'm not looking for promotion.
I would prefer advice.
Been running my YouTube channel for about five months, and the channel is about University of Iowa Sports.
I'm a very conservative guy.
I go from California.
What would I so he wants us to check out his page?
Okay.
We are live, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
It's your boy, Nolan HotGuy Anthony here.
And I hope you guys are having a fantastic morning, wherever you may be, and however you may be listening to this.
Terrible.
We got a Jam Tag show for y'all today.
I'm excited.
It's been approximately two weeks.
Does he pull in any other pictures and stuff?
You know what we are in the Tracy would have to do is block.
Okay.
That's obviously too niche for us to care.
I shouldn't have even pulled it up.
Since updating my phone, your app doesn't work for shit.
Okay, well, we're putting anyone who signed up for the beta, unfortunate word, for the beta version of the app.
You get the new app, and we'll see if it works.
Ben Crump.
And then if it does work, then we'll launch the update.
So we're still, we're just we've just released it to the beta people.
Have you seen or heard about the new BET movie Karen?
Yes, we discussed it extensively on the show, and it's a fucking ancient Chinese secret.
I think this would be a good drop.
It was the Spiders and Snakes episode at 835.
That's awesome.
If you enjoyed that heart.
Let's see it again.
That's awesome.
If you enjoyed that heart.
That's awesome.
No, the collaughter ruins it.
January 6th, False Flag TikTok.
Pretty funny and obvious.
Hollywood tear gas in me.
All on display for a play for hundreds of professional photographers conveniently on stage.
You had no idea you would even do this.
This is everything wrong with the capital shooting.
Okay, fun.
Pretty raucous panel here.
This is called Who Made Punk.
Some of the originators hashing it out.
Yes, this is from 2019, their news buff.
And I thought this was interesting because it had Johnny Rotten, who was there at the beginning, and then it's got all these random people like Marky Ramon, arguable, and the guy from Guns N' Roses.
And then you got Henry Rollins, which is hardcore, which is way after punk.
And they were there to promote a documentary that Iggy Pop produced.
So believe it or not, in the documentary, Iggy Pop plays a very central role in the creation of punk.
The guy who signs the checks.
Was to break away from that and be good fucking fellas with each other.
It never happened like that, boys and girls.
It really didn't.
It became so competitive and lost in its own fucking bullshit.
Hello, punk.
All right.
Where's that term come from?
I'll tell you, it wasn't when Eggie was running around.
It was Caroline Kuhn put this expression together.
And it was a complete insult, right?
In Melody Maker, a British magazine.
She had the audacity to call me King of the Punks.
And I bothered to find out what that meant.
Well, hello.
I'm John.
I ain't no fucker's toy boy.
Alright?
And that was punk.
And at the same time, you've got Reggae running around there.
Rust to far right and naughty dread.
And Bob Marley's having to deal with naughty dread.
That was a complete insult to him.
But he turned it upside down.
Sorry, Gold, it has to be one of the more hilarious reads I've read in a while.
I think you and the Little Gay Asian would quite enjoy giving it a scrupulous read.
Make sure to Google the experts AFER mentioned.
You're sincerely, a man on the verge of losing his livelihood, spelled wrong, for not being vaccinated in Australia.
Okay, this better be good.
So we get an article here.
Welcome to Apple News.
I'm told.
Continue.
The fight for Sarah Bartman.
Not even her early death could put an end to the abuse she endured in life.
It took a president's lobbying and the fight of her people to finally lay her to rest.
This looks boring and long.
Why'd you send us this?
It's some old story about some old chick who died.
Isn't that weird?
You can't just send us articles that you read about some historical story with cool graphics.
Fuck.
All right.
We're going to have to make this a short show because I got to go.
Fluorescent yellow pus.
Hello.
Can we keep that conversation going, please?
STD horrors just Never get enough airtime.
I think I remember the gonorrhea and squirting the yellow pus out of my dick on one or two occasions.
Thank God for antibiotics.
But how about peeing blood?
I've never done that.
That's like a boxer thing.
I still don't know what exactly that was.
Did you know Larry Barnes is being indicted, inducted, sorry, into the New York State Hall of Fame, Boxing Hall of Fame?
Yeah, we're going to have tuxedos on and be there.
Did I talk about this already?
I was saying to the guys, let's bare knuckle box the day before so we all have like, we all have suits on and like black eyes.
Wouldn't that look cool?
Yeah.
I still don't know what exactly that was.
American Healthcare does not recognize some diseases known in some other countries.
So I never tested positive for anything known here at the time.
20 years ago in New York.
And it looks like now USA finally recognized a thing called urea plasma.
Look it up.
It's fun.
So it starts with discomfort.
Then you look in anticipation for the first drop of gonorrhea discharge, but it never shows up.
The discomfort turns to pain, but nothing visual.
So you think you got dick flu or something, and it's nothing serious.
You just sweat it out.
So I remember the pain was reaching a level where I would avoid bathrooms.
Like, no, I don't really need to pee just yet.
I'll probably wait another hour.
So the apex of this thing, I finally go to some public bathroom, unzip over the pisser, and I'm scared to look down because it really hurts.
So I butt on the collar of my jacket, looking up and trying to hum some tune to just not think about the pain, but oh my fucking God, it hurts.
I hear the dribble in the pisser, but like remotely through the concrete wall of a paranoia around my head.
And I convince myself that I should probably garner some virility here and actually take a look at what's happening.
I'm slowly squinting down and I just see blood pouring out of my dick.
And when you see this, this psychosomatic thing multiplies your pain by 10.
So I'm bellowing now and I'm thinking I'm probably going to pass out.
And I probably should.
Blah, blah, blah, century old tile.
He's really getting descriptive here.
So I grab to the dividers on both sides so I don't pass out.
Now my dick is on a tennis, just flapping left and right, squirting blood everywhere.
And it's even more fun this way.
I'm yelling something.
And then it's over.
And I'm still hanging onto the walls.
My pants are at my ankles.
And I'm looking up, gasping for air, covered in sweat, and there's just blood everywhere.
And this is it.
The worst part is over.
I walk out a year older and miraculously score antibiotics within an hour.
Somehow, antibiotics kick in like two hours later, and the hell is over.
Fuck, I just lived through this again.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Bye, Sergei.
Boxers will piss blood for weeks.
Okay, last one.
Hello, pussies.
Diversity hire rambles on about racism.
Almost interrupts her so she will get to the fucking point.
She knows that she knows absolutely nothing about guns.
Not surprising.
But her face at the end is exactly how I looked at the TV after hearing this.
Check it out.
I assume this would be British.
I think they're having an existential crisis in that jury room because they have to address the issues of racism.
They have to address why Kyle was there.
Again, we're all attorneys.
These people have never been in the, most of them have never been in a courtroom before.
So they don't know what to expect.
Again, they had to look every day at the judge looking like...
Madeline, we only have like 20 seconds, but how is this about racism?
Rittenhouse is white.
All the shooting victims are white.
What are you talking about?
They were there because it was Black Lives Matter was the reason why they were there in the first place.
That's why Kyle felt the need to come and protect whatever he's protecting with an AK.
The issue of guns raised.
AR.
I apologize.
I'm sorry, the assault rifles.
No, I said hard arm.
Equally mercy, Nima Romani, Kirk Nurmi.
Thank you.
That was a fucking stupid ending.
I feel bad for her.
So have fun, guys, with your family this weekend.
It's going to be a fun weekend.
I like you more than a friend.
And we'll see you Monday with a brand new real show.
We'll be back there.
We won't be dressed like this.
We'll be dressed in suits.
And in the interim, get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Hey, dude.
Oh, my God.
Thank fucking God.
When I saw us reappear in this picture, you don't know how happy I was.
The show is back.
We're back.
We exist.
And guess what did it?
They liked the time travel bit.
They thought it was fun.
And they said that it shows that we care.
And even when we do a shitty show, we want to make up for it.
And that's really what they appreciate about the show is that we give a shit about the baby monsters and we try.
So the irony is, you didn't save the show.
Nor did I. I did.
Future me did.
Me going back in time is what made this shitty episode good.
And it saved us.
So fuck you.
Thanks for nothing.
I did all the work again.
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