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Nov. 12, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
43:55
GOML LIVE #122
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Time Text
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bless them on the Ray, no stress in the Champaul alongside Big Freedom!
Snoop Dogg.
Beetlejuice Show.
Oh yeah, I can do a doggy style.
He's no problem with that.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McTinnis.
with you.
Come on.
I'm in the house.
He's in the house.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh yeah, yeah. - Get in there with seeds, girl. - Oh yeah, yeah. - Oh yeah, yeah. - You already know. - Oh. - Hello folks, welcome to Get Off My Lawn.
That was Big Freedia, a trans entertainer who does that New Orleans stuff.
I forget what that type of music is called.
And of course the dance hall great, Sean Paul from Jamaica, Sean Paul.
And Beetlejuice, a man with cranial dysplasia who is a pinhead and is a member of Howard Stern's Whack Pack.
I'm impressed that they put that song together with massive celebrities and a severely handicapped man.
Like Howard Stern sucks now, but at least his staff is able to pull shit together.
I think that's only a few months old.
I just heard it in the car on the way here.
This is the free portion of the show.
We have sponsors to pay for it and then we go behind the paywall about half an hour in.
For those of you watching, I'm debuting my new look.
Isn't that exciting, Ryan?
It is.
I should announce, Matty is not here.
He's at a doctor's appointment.
The man has the heart of a... Metaphorically, he's got the heart of someone with a big heart.
But literally, he has the heart of a 120-year-old man.
He has a defibrillator and a heart monitor on his heart.
So, we're lucky to have him at all, but we don't have him tonight.
Yeah, I had an idea for a look in my head, and I've pursued it, and here it is.
Iron and Resin.
Now, we're gonna get to our first sponsor in a sec, Nita Fashions, and when you wear a suit, you should wear Nita Fashions.
I was thinking the other day, we should've partnered with them, because we're about 70% of their clientele these days.
It was amazing.
We kept them alive during the pandemic.
That's how, that's how fruitful it is to be a sponsor on this show.
So let's make this a Need of Fashions commercial while we plug a different company.
True.
Uh, we were just there.
We, uh, Ryan got all suited up.
They have his measurements now.
And now you just sort of phone it in.
You're like, Hey man, I want a tuxedo.
Bye.
And they have all your shit there and it just arrives from Hong Kong via FedEx.
I know we should support American business, but...
A brand new tailored suit in America is like five grand, and the tailors are getting worse on a daily basis.
It's a dead trade.
It's barely alive in Hong Kong, but at least it still exists.
So, sorry America, you priced me out of the market.
But they show up, they go on these tours of the states.
Those are back now, but you can still do it via Zoom.
You can do it either way.
Hong Kong is so draconian with COVID that after they're done this tour, the one that we just met them on where we got all measured up, I look terrible in that picture.
And my suit looks like shit because I folded it wrong.
They're stuck in a hotel in Hong Kong for, guess the quarantine, Ryan, and show your stupid face.
14 days.
Three weeks, 21 days.
In an expensive hotel.
They can't leave their fucking room!
What?
Like, Hong Kong is China, but it's also not China, but it is China.
This sounds pretty China.
They have to get room service.
It's an expensive place.
And the food arrives at their door.
Knock, knock, knock, and they run away.
He's stuck with his two sons for three weeks.
That's weird.
Anyway, they're going to be killing the time with Zoom calls.
So you can get all sized up and get your cool suits.
He was showing me the Instagram and he's like, that's a fan.
That's a Gavin fan.
And I said, why do you have an Indian accent?
He's born and raised in Hong Kong, they speak perfect Mandarin, perfect Cantonese, and they have Indian accents.
And he goes, I don't have an Indian accent.
I go, okay buddy.
And then I asked his dad, and his dad seemed a little taken aback, but he goes, us Indians stick together.
Isn't that weird?
It is.
Like imagine you were born, actually I've seen that in New York City with Chinese.
They'll go to Chinese schools and their English has a Chinese accent.
Even though they're born and raised in New York.
That's why they smashed a subscribe and they have a lot of shoes that are pure fire.
Wait, did you ever see this guy?
Singaporean white boy.
Who can speak winglish, white boy singlish.
So Tyler, how long have you lived in Singapore?
Singapore, 9 years already.
9 years?
And then before that?
2 years in China, then some more, got 5 years in the States.
I don't like this.
Why is it racist?
I think it's funny that I'm having this emotion, but I feel like I've been violated.
Can you speak Mandarin?
- Only blonde person, hard to do anything.
Always stand out one.
China, same thing.
They call me Jing Fa. - Jing Fa, golden hair.
- Golden hair.
- Can you speak Mandarin?
- Yeah, .
- Do you still use it these days to get stuff?
- Sang Ran.
- Ooh, not bad.
- So Tyler, if you ever go to a hooker center, I'm sure you speak it.
- A hooker?
It's called a brothel, sir.
When you go to a brothel, do you speak Chinese?
Whoa!
Hangmo very powerful!
He used to live in Japanese like this.
Ew, he has Chinese mannerisms!
It's like when you see these white Muslims in New Zealand and England and you're like, you chose a culture that oppresses you more?
What?
So yeah, please go to Anita Fashions and mention my name, mention the show and you get 15% off.
NitaFashions.
NitaFashions.com.
You can contact them through their Instagram.
Seems to be the most popular way with you, young people.
Anyway, let's get back to what really matters, which is my new look.
Now, I wear suits every day, but on the Saturdays, going to the baseball game, you look like an asshole in a suit, right?
Although you didn't in the glory days.
So I got this iron and resin shit.
Look at this jacket.
It looks like a Carhartt, which is a compliment.
It's better than a Carhartt.
It's got a thick, it's for motorcycles.
It's got this thick sort of waxy coating to it.
So you don't get road rash.
And then my shirt underneath is also iron and resin.
Ooh, wait, wait, wait.
The inside.
Oh, the inside.
I almost forgot.
It's got like a Pendleton inside.
That is luxurious.
So just to recap the whole look, um, I've got these.
I'm not sure I chose the right pants.
These are just gap pants.
And then I have my resold red wings with the plastic thing on the bottom to prevent the sole wearing out.
These are like six years old, these red wings.
Am I fucking gorgeous or what?
It's a great look.
I lust me.
If I was a girl watching right now, of age, from 18 to 80, I would be diddling my bean right now.
Ladies, are you bean diddling?
Are you bediddling?
Turn the volume off, that'll kill the mood.
But you can just watch this and just diddle that bean.
And if you're a squirter, put a towel down.
And if you're at work or something, I would recommend you, before you watch the show, you go and procure some Always With Wings.
Maybe two.
And if there's not none around, get a Zwiffer pad.
Put that down there because you're going to be drenching your chair this show.
What do you think about the black undershirt?
I had a green undershirt with this shirt earlier from my boxing gym.
All of this is an homage to the blue collar.
Oh, you're LARPing as a blue-collar dude.
No, I'm inventing a new thing.
It's rich guy who isn't ripping it off.
He's accepted that he'll never be part of the crowd.
I don't know where a transmission is.
I jumpstarted my bike the other day and was pooping my pants because I was so worried about touching the red and blacks together.
I'm a faggot.
So, I own it now.
Like I'll wear a Gucci belt with this.
I'll have my Rolex.
I'll have my Gucci wallet.
I'll have my $900 Gucci high tops.
You get it?
You with me?
Oh yeah, me?
Yeah.
Come on.
But you're not rich.
I'm rich.
You're the worst of both worlds.
Me buying this sent me back.
You're LARPing as a blue collar dude.
I'm going down to blue collar, you're going up to blue collar.
I'm LARPing as a rich guy LARPing as whatever I am.
There's too many LARPs dude, I'm getting overwhelmed.
I can't remember when we started.
What I've done and what I haven't done.
I think it's already 50 minutes in.
Can you just show more of Iron and Resin?
Now one thing, if you are shopping at that site, I don't know what's with the dudes there.
They've got this sort of California post skater look, which I guess is what I'm adopting.
You can tell they were hunks in high school.
It's old hunks, which is what I'd like to be known as.
I'd like to be a dilf, please.
But you gotta go large.
This is an- I'm petite.
I'm 5'10 and a half, 192 pounds.
This is an extra large that I'm wearing.
And when I wear my iron and resin shirt and jacket, still extra large is relatively snug.
Maybe they get them from Japan?
No one larps better than the nips.
Although I just criticized one for LARPing badly.
Correct.
Look at this thing.
Do you have a boner yet, Ryan?
Me, personally, I don't.
What?
But I could understand how people be boned up.
How could you not have a boner for me?
What are you, a fag?
Well in that case, it's oh wait now.
I do oh there we go That's like that time me and Steve were at a film festival to promote my film The travel hood of the the Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants, and there's a lot of downtime so we're hanging out the ski we went skiing and we're hanging out down there at the bottom of the hill and There's Steve bumps into a dude who was riding his mountain bike down the snow and I didn't know this was a sport, but they go on ice jumps, and they mountain bike snow hills.
And Steve and him just bonded immediately, because, you know, he's got a motocross background, and they're rapid, and they, I think they even exchange numbers, which is hard to do as a straight man.
That's the hardest part about moving to a new city, is you meet guys, right?
You're meeting, you're accruing new pals, and then there's that part where you have to go, so anyway, what's your phone number?
I should call you.
Let's get out of this bar and take our friendship to the next level.
It's really gay.
It's hard.
You have to say like, uh, oh yeah, yeah, when I go to that place, I'll text you.
And be like, oh yeah, give me your number real quick.
Ooh, that's weird.
I find the best way is you have some dumb meme.
And then you're like, can you send that to me?
Oh.
You know what sucks?
Having to hide that I have a social media presence because people think I'm just like a nice, not mildly jokingly racist guy.
Oh, and then they look you up and you're a Nazi.
Yeah, well, try being me.
I'm way more important than you.
That's correct.
You know what I did once?
I told you at that bar, that airport bar at JFK, the retro 50s one, I was talking to a guy all night, we got drunk, and I could tell he was a lefty, and then at the very end of the night I just said, I'm Gavin McKinsey, I invented the Proud Boys, and then left.
Oh, I wish I could do that.
You were talking to Satan!
That feels great.
Um... But wait, we have an unturned stone here.
Uh, and I... This is one of the pro- What's that?
Blue collar fashion, the OG.
Okay.
Great, now you made me totally forget what I was fucking talking about, Ryan.
I thought it was your outfit.
Boner?
It's gay to have a boner, your friends were... Oh yeah, yeah, so Steve, Steve, is talking to that guy, and then I was noticing this dude, he was kind of frumpy, he had on like slobby clothes, kind of like this kind of vibe, and he had on moccasins, and his hair was kind of in his eyes, and he had a bit of a beard, and he was talking to some old ladies, I don't know if they were his mom's friends or his grandma's friends, but he was making them laugh, and...
After both guys left, I go, did you see that guy talking to the old ladies?
He seemed kind of cool.
He goes, what?
I wasn't even sure if that was a dude.
I thought it was a lesbian.
And he goes, look at the kind of guy I'm into and look at the kind of guy you're into, you fucking fag!
What a salient point.
Isn't that awesome?
He was calling me a fag.
Because you like a different type of dude.
Yeah, it's like the dude who does Drunk History did a sketch a long time ago, or he wrote it.
I can't remember if he ever made it, but it was this guy, and he was hanging out with his girlfriend, and they all go, ah ha, you fag, hanging out with your girlfriend.
Oh, I want to be with my girl.
Meanwhile, we're all going to the fucking pub, you pussy.
And then the next time they see him, he's with a dude who's a leather fag.
This is a very gay episode, isn't it?
A little bit.
And he goes, hey guys, what's up?
And then the other sketch he wrote, this is Derek, what's his name, Waters?
They call this guy and they go, hey man, come hang out.
And he goes, oh, I'm with my girlfriend.
And they go, you fucking fag.
And he goes, it's her funeral.
Funny guy.
Let's talk briefly about tactical walls.
We've had them here.
We have tactical walls in our studio.
And it's bittersweet, because they're cool, but Ryan ruined his by displaying t-shirts in the stupidest, weirdest way imaginable.
But it's bittersweet because tactical walls is usually used to display guns.
We are here in the South Bronx where we're not allowed to have guns.
Although there's some crazy shit going on with New York State, have you heard this?
New York City will never change, but they might be making it easier for concealed carry just outside of the state, where I live in Westchester.
Mmm, that'd be cool.
Oh, yeah, it would I have no idea You should be showing tactical walls behind me dude.
We're doing a commercial.
I have no idea no idea What it feels like to walk around with a gun It must feel it must change you You know what I mean?
Knowing no one can hurt you?
You must just be like Superman.
Just calm down.
Sir, I don't have a problem with you.
It's unfortunate you have a problem with me.
I wish you would calm down.
I don't want to have to use my superpowers that are on my hips.
So that's Tactical Walls in all its glory.
TacticalWalls.com.
It's vet owned, vet run, and made in America.
This guy used to work for a plastic manufacturer and then he started buying the machines that made the plastic shapes.
We'll deal with that another time.
And then he started his own company.
He makes those sheets himself.
Like he digs those grooves with the machines.
These machines cost like hundreds of thousands, but they pay themselves back.
And so when you go to Tactical Walls and you get all their cool ways to hide guns in shells and mirrors and cabinets and Kleenex boxes, the issue box, my favorite part of this whole thing, you are supporting American business.
And if you buy anything from a sponsor of our show, you're supporting free speech.
And the show!
I mean, it's like a quadruple whammy.
So go there, use the promo code GAVIN, and you get, I believe it's 20% off.
Maybe I should read the text here.
Yes.
20% off all orders at tacticalwalls.com.
All right, I've already covered my look.
We covered the election yesterday, which is exciting.
I don't know, I kind of feel like I live in Africa.
And the fact that they stole New Jersey at two in the morning, but we got Virginia makes me happy.
It's like, I knew Mugabe was going to win again, but at least our little district of Zimbabwe got some justice.
That's how bad it is.
We're sitting there with our balls going, more gruel, sir.
And we get a little bit of justice and we go, thank you.
Thank you for Virginia.
But it has been fun watching the meltdowns.
Uh, should we jump into the mailbag?
We could.
Is that crazy?
I feel a little sidetracked here without Matty O'Dell.
Yeah.
And we don't usually cover news.
Yes, let's do it.
Let's do some mailbags.
Mailbag!
Let's read some letters.
Because the people who tune in to the free part never hear our letters and they don't know about our viewers.
So how could they ever want to become one?
Brian, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag. - Let me touch it. - An eagle in the hands of the left.
Your mic just went, oh wait.
Maybe that's my headphones?
Hello?
- Okay, we're good. - Checkity check.
Scary.
This one's kind of far down, Ryan, because it updated as I was looking.
So, uh, this one's from yesterday.
When the left is in charge of America, America is just confused as to how it got there.
And then it has a woman holding the bird, which is the bald eagle.
And he's just sort of going, this is a fantastic photo.
I think it might, we might need to make it a painting.
Hello?
Can you do your job at some point today?
I'm scrolling.
American, the handle... Okay, got it.
Oh, that only took you an hour.
Nice job.
Still going, still waiting.
Okay, this is perfect.
This is an oil painting.
We have a fat deranged pig who can't even dye her hair purple correctly.
Ladies, take it from someone who was punk throughout the 80s.
You need to put Vaseline or something along your skin line so the dye doesn't seep into your skin.
Now you have a purple scalp.
With purple dripping down your head, you look like Giuliani doing a press conference.
So that's pathetic.
She also can't dress, right?
She's in her sweats.
She's also overindulged.
I can't express how gross it is to see fat women.
There's like women who are slightly overweight.
They had kids or whatever.
But when you see a fat, disgusting pig like this, you think the Lord didn't just give you life.
Like he gave Ryan and I. We have bodies.
Thank you for that, by the way.
Thank you for the lungs that work and all that.
But when you're a woman, he gave you this innate beauty.
But what about ugly women?
There's really no such thing.
If your hair is long, you put on a little bit of makeup and you're not disgustingly obese, you're a sex at worst.
You think of the of course there's some exceptions like Tarana Burke.
I was just gonna say I don't know if she could do anything to rescue that mess But for the most part with all the hair extensions and eyelash like you can be and that that's that's a freak Yeah, that doesn't count doesn't count She's not ugly.
She's deformed.
That's like saying a burn victim is ugly.
So yeah, you have a gift when you're a woman.
And then to see this woman, like this, this picture, you're looking at this woman.
That's a, we should stay specific before we go wandering off and showing handicapped people in Bali.
Uh, you can tell that that could be a seven and she's just throwing it all down the drain.
And she's a four standing next to a diarrhea pond.
Now, that's just the beginning of this amazing picture.
So, a big problem I find with America is female empowerment.
It feels like affirmative action.
You have all these women getting in fields they don't belong, like pretending there's such a thing as a female rabbi.
Rewriting the Jewish religion just for fun?
You stupid bitch.
There's no female rabbis.
There's no female priests.
There's no female clerics.
If you're Goyim and your son is Jewish and your husband's Jewish, your son's not Jewish.
The mom has to be Jewish.
You can't keep rewriting the rules.
You cannot be a Catholic and be pro-choice.
I'm sorry.
So anyway, that's all facts but this is opinion now.
My sexist perspective is that women don't do well in men's fields generally and politics is a numbers game and numbers is a man's game generally.
We have more testosterone, we're able to concentrate more and women are bad at math and if you're bad at math you're bad at politics.
Because you need the numbers.
How many illegals are here?
How long have the borders been broken open?
What year was that?
You know what I mean?
All of that is totally relevant to the discussion of any political thing.
And they're all so easy prey for these solipsistic scam artists who say, I want to help the poor.
If you're against welfare, you're against the poor.
If you don't vote for me, you're racist.
Just today I was thinking about that dude, Marty Gold, who was a state senator in New York for 15 years.
And then this guy, Guandares, took over because the globalists funded him.
And the way he won was he mailed a letter to everyone in the 22nd District of Brooklyn, which is all cops and firemen, that said, this guy's a proud boy.
It's totally made up, but it worked.
And the guy won.
Knocked out of a... Yeah, that guy.
What's his name?
Marty Golden.
Marty Golden.
You're golden, Marty.
Knocked out of 15 years of a cop and fireman district of Brooklyn because of a Proud Boy allegation that was not true.
And that's women.
I'm sorry.
All right, so she's obese, it's disgusting, women are... I hate to say women are ruining America because actual women, housewives, women who are normal and women who represent the kind of moms that we had when we were young, like kindergarten teachers used to see boys being rambunctious and they'd go, Boys will be boys.
Now they see it as a sin, a vice.
Now they think the kid needs Adderall or he needs some sort of concentration drugs and he needs to sit down.
They're anti-male and they sit there and they brainwash our kids and they say Trump sucks and they have this political agenda.
So when I say women suck, I'm really talking about the shit chests, the broken robots.
I'm not talking about women in their true form.
I'm talking about what we've done to them, really.
And when I talk about young girls, I mean OnlyFans, we've turned them into sluts, they're colostomy bags for strangers come.
And when I talk about older women, I'm talking about these political activist women, like Amy Siskind, who wage domestic terror campaigns on their neighbors and tell their kids they can't hang out with other kids because of this and that, and they X people and they don't invite them to Thanksgiving or Christmas because they've committed some sort of political sin.
That's someone who's not really into politics.
You know what I mean?
Like people who are good at politics, they can handle differences of opinions.
Like Anthony Scalia, he was friends with RBG, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
They had different opinions on everything, but he can handle it.
Anyway, get back to this picture.
I'm not done.
And speaking of victims, like Justin Trudeau is the stupidest.
Well, I used to say this a lot, but now I'm thinking Biden might be worse.
Justin Trudeau and Joe Biden are neck and neck when it comes to worst and stupidest politician of all time.
Joe Biden got elected because everyone hated Trump because they thought he was sexist like me.
And that was women.
Justin Trudeau got elected because he's a hunk.
That's it.
He's attractive.
So that's what women do at the polls.
They vote with their pussies, and it's not going well for Canada, nor America.
And by the way, white women are being blamed for the Virginia victory, and I think those women are more the initial good woman I was talking about, the housewives.
And their mommy instincts came out when they said critical race theory is important and we have too many white teachers, and these housewives, the real women, So, the Virginia election is an interesting dichotomy with the bad woman I'm talking about, who is represented by her, and the good women who protect their children and care about them.
And then we have America, wrapped up in a blanket that it doesn't want, ostensibly being rescued, but we're not sure, and wondering what the fuck is going on.
Of course, this whole analogy falls apart when this woman is actually probably helping that bird.
I maybe shouldn't have spent 20 minutes on an analogy that falls apart at the very end because that bird will be better off with her intervention.
Whoops.
It looks like she's been taking care of the bird, which is the bald eagle, for a long time.
She's kind of sick of it.
She's like, yeah.
Thanks a lot, baby monster who sent this in.
You just made me look like a moron because I went off on a 20 minute diatribe that does not end well for me.
Alright, let's, and this is the problem with live shows, because I can't edit out that stupidity.
I also spent the entire time talking about stupid people, and then I end up being the stupidest one of all.
Embarrassing.
We're not afraid of the truth here on Censored.TV.
Yeah, that's how we'll spin it.
No matter where it leads.
Yeah, even when we end up hoisted on our own retard.
What is a petard, by the way?
I think it's a spear.
Oh, okay.
I don't know how you hoist yourself on your own petard.
How the fuck are you so shitty at petarding that you end up hoisting yourself?
Yeah, what are you, a retarded petarder?
Yeah, you fucking petard.
How do you hoist your... Pull up a picture of hoisting yourself on your own petard.
I understand how you shoot yourself in the foot.
That's a better analogy.
But hoi... You hoist... Petard.
Show a picture.
Find someone hoisted on their own petard.
Hoisted on... I didn't.
I thought it was more of a spear.
It looks like it's more of a hooky thing.
That makes a little more sense.
Although, don't you have to really hook it in?
Hoisted on a petard.
Wait.
That's a petard.
So is it a hoist?
Well, we're really getting lost here.
Etymology.
Okay, here we go.
No, no, I don't want to see an example of the analogy, Ryan.
Here we go.
The primary purpose of a batard was to blow up a door.
Its crude construction and gunpowder explosive made it not unlikely to blow up the bomber instead, hence being hoist on one's own batard.
Wow, I wasn't even close.
So there's no hoist, there's no spear.
This is the Gavin is a Petard episode.
I gotta take some of those Joe Rogan pills.
Well, your blue-collar guys don't know bullshit like this.
Yeah, I'm blue-collar, man.
That's it.
I was busy working all day.
You think I got time to look up petards?
I don't fucking know.
What the fuck?
Is that from like 200 years ago?
I was fucking replacing a four-on-the-floor with a souped-up Hemi.
Hey, Sergei!
This thing doesn't fucking work.
Sergei!
It's Siri, Dad.
Matt Walsh does watch your show.
By the way, that was a terrible impersonation of what a dad would do, because you don't have one, so you don't know how they act.
That's why I don't know.
I have no reference.
Matt Walsh does watch your show.
Video proof.
Hey, Gavin Rye, you were right when you speculated that Matt Walsh watches your show.
When talking about the black guy punching the white woman on the subway, he almost sings, Can you imagine if the races were reversed?
P.S.
You are a bear and you eat in the garbage!
He's referring, of course, to the mentally ill tree planter I had when I was a tree planting foreman in Northern Ontario.
He was a professor at MIT who had taught astrophysics and he lost his mind.
He became three people.
John, which was himself, the Nietzschean Ubermensch, And Snuggles the dog.
And the Nietzschean Ubermensch and Snuggles were constantly at each other's throats with the Ubermensch saying, do you want to die?
And Snuggles going, no, no, I don't want to die.
Usually portrayed as sock puppets.
And one of the most brutal insults that the Ubermensch would give Snuggles is you are a bear and you eat in the garbage.
And I would hear him yelling this from his tent at night.
I miss him.
I was just talking to my wife about that.
This is in my book, Death of the Cool.
But there was a scene when I showed up and he's just staring into space.
And oh yeah, he had written, I didn't realize this at the time, but I found it later, he had written the word John over five square miles.
I'd given him this massive piece of land to just do trees for weeks and weeks.
And instead he just wrote John, so God would see it when the trees grew.
And John is his name and it's the first name in the Bible.
So he feels a close link to God.
And so I just see like a tree, then a whole thing of trees, then no trees, then some trees, because I'm in the letter J. And I go, John, what the fuck is going on here?
He goes, hello.
And, uh, I said, he goes, who are you?
I go, who am I?
I'm Gavin.
I see you every day.
You get fucking 10 cents for those.
So you better move fast.
10 cents a tree.
Um, And he goes, what are you doing here?
And I go, well, I'm a tree planter.
We plant trees.
When people excavate land, when they scarify the land, they need to replenish the soil with new trees.
So they take the loggers, have to pay a commission to the government, then the government pays us to replant the trees.
And he goes, oh, that's interesting.
And then he goes, one of my favorite lines of my entire life, he goes, is everybody on this planet a tree planter?
No, John, an unfathomably tiny percentage of this planet is made up of tree planters.
Maybe 1,000 globally, I would say.
Not a big percentage of the seven bill.
Anyway, sorry, I'm off on a tangent here and I have no idea how long we've been talking for, but second letter.
And again, if we're going by one standard here, we know That if the races were reversed, certainly everybody would be saying that.
I mean, can you imagine a large white man punching a black woman in the face?
I don't know.
And there's video of it.
That's paltry evidence.
Oh, here it is.
Can you imagine if the races were reversed?
Oh, that sounded exactly like me.
Dead on.
And then he includes schoolboys in lingerie give their principal a lap dance and... Oh, that's the episode that we watch.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I'm caught up.
Sorry.
Which is pretty wild.
Yeah, it is.
I mean, I'm of two minds about that whole thing, too, because the old me goes, oh, shut up.
It's a bunch of people dressed up in dumb costumes, and they're joking around with their teachers, giving them a lap dance.
And it's what a lot of lefties would call homophobic to dress up as a woman.
And I'm sure lefties are outraged by that.
But then on the other hand, with this massive gayification of our students, I go, why are you dressing up kids?
And they're not kids.
They're like 17.
Why are you dressing up kids as women?
I guess what I'm saying is, if they were doing offensive shit across the board, then I'd be laughing and enjoying it.
It's the fact that they're only offensive when it fits the left's agenda that pisses me off.
Maybe I'm jealous that they get to be offensive and I don't.
This is called the black lips.
I feel like you must know this band, but I've never seen you mention them.
The Black Lips seem like they're right up your alley.
Yes, we're good friends.
We were both at Scott Campbell's wedding.
They played, and Scott used to do my tattoos.
He doesn't speak to me anymore, of course, because of Trump.
But Vice signed the Black Lips, and we wanted to make their album The Last of the White Niggers, which was a Lester Bangs t-shirt he used to wear.
And Vice said no, and I was on my way out, and I said, sorry boys, you're on your own.
I can't help you get this cool title.
Is this Dirty Hands?
Vinny Vidivici.
Oh, their best song is Dirty Hands.
But yeah, thank you for telling me about a band I discovered.
I really appreciate it, viewers at home.
This is the problem with being half a century old, is you've been around for so long.
I'm such a pop culture vampire that people go, hey, have you heard of this thing called punk?
I go, yeah, I was there when it began.
Want to hear a retarded thought I had today?
Yes.
I was looking at this picture of Jane Fonda when she was arrested in 1970.
This is how dumb I am.
How shitty my brain is.
Probably from boxing.
This is what pugilistic dementia sounds like.
So, I saw her mugshot from 1970 and I thought, holy shit, she's beautiful.
What a looker.
I love her hair.
I love everything about her.
I wish I could have fucked... I guess I could... Could I have fucked her back then?
How old was I?
And then I was like, I was born in 1970, so I'd just be a newborn.
I probably wouldn't be able to get it in her.
I wouldn't be able to fuck her because my dick would be all soft and baby-ish.
That's a man's brain.
Maybe when you're five and then she's five years older from this point... Well, now we're getting into pedophilia and you're losing the humor here.
When you're a baby, it's not pedophilia.
But as soon as you're one, now you're on the market for... Well, when I'm a newborn, it's ridiculous enough to be funny.
Children are raped at five, so you just took my super funny, weird, millisecond thought and you turned it into literally the worst thing in the world.
This is her in 75.
Still, I'd like to fuck that now.
Actually, I think I would, you know, I think I would fuck her now.
But I wouldn't because I'm married, but I'll tell you what I would do.
If Oprah wanted to fuck me, I would fuck her and I would tell my wife, we're doing this honey, sorry.
Because it would be the greatest story of all time.
No matter what happens, whether it went good or bad, I'm going to have the, I fucked Oprah story to take to my grave.
We're obviously not going to fall in love and elope.
This isn't like that movie where Robert De Niro offers a million dollars to fuck that guy's wife.
There's no risk of it going anywhere.
So I'm just going to, it'd be like, uh, I don't know, living with elephants for a year.
Well, I wouldn't do that.
I'd miss my kids.
This is one of the weirdest episodes we've ever done.
What are you doing?
He kissed Jane Fonda.
Yeah.
That was weird.
That's like a real kiss.
Uh, snitching is a little faggy, but to paraphrase Nietzsche...
You were a bear and you eat in the garbage.
No, why not be a fag once in a while?
This guy Clip Clipperson is making money off your content on YouTube.
Thought you'd like to know.
Yeah, I was just checking him out today too.
And I was realizing something interesting about the workforce.
He's doing a great service to this site by advertising us on YouTube, which is the number one video source in the world, more than television.
And he's only using short clips.
So I love him for that.
And this is something that we would normally, a company would allot a budget for.
It could be a full-time job.
Probably not.
Probably like a 30k a year job, 20k a year.
But in today's society, people do work that they love for free.
And that's what's amazing about the modern workforce.
I mean, you think about pre-computers, everyone had to do so much filing of papers and a lot of bullshit they hated.
But a lot of jobs now are kind of cool.
And the fact that you get paid for them is just sort of a made up number.
And I noticed this with Vice in the early days.
I'd say, can you stay this weekend?
We'll give you a bonus.
And they go, okay, how much?
400 bucks.
Oh, great.
And then as time went on into the, like say early aughts, I'd say, can you work this weekend?
No.
Okay.
I'll give you 400 bucks.
We got to finish this proposal.
No.
Uh, 4,000 bucks.
No.
40,000?
I'm lying now.
I'm not gonna pay that but I just want to see what the number is.
No number!
Zoomers do not see money as an incentive.
So work has changed so drastically even in the past 25 years.
Like computers ostensibly freed up half the day, right?
We don't have to file shit.
Like I was looking up some news item that woman who got attacked on August 22nd at the anti-vax thing in Olympia, Washington.
How hard would that have been for me to dig up?
I'd have to go to some stupid library and look through their microfiche for hours.
I didn't even remember the day.
I didn't even remember the year.
I'd be there for a week.
Now I just go photographer attacked Olympia.
Done.
Got it.
Found it.
All right.
I think we're running out of time here.
So we're going to do one last thing and then we're going to go behind the paywall.
Let's talk about another veteran owned company, BeardVet.
BeardVet has a great beard grooming and coffee.
El Diablo coffee blend, Brazilian roast blend.
We have, uh, we have BeardVet here at the studio for our coffee.
And we also have the products for this, for combing the beard.
Look at that stuff.
We're BeardVet dudes.
So if you go to BeardVet.com, this is all American, American run, American owned, made in America, 15% off all orders when you use the promo code GAVIN.
And Sean, the owner of BeardVet is one of us, good egg, we like him.
And again, you're drinking coffee.
So why not get your coffee from someone who is a veteran, who supports free speech, who supports this show.
It's like I say with my glasses guy.
When I was getting my new prescription, I found out he was MAGA.
And I just went, and he knows me and he knows the show.
I went, okay, I have my glasses guy forever.
My watch guy loves Trump.
I'm like, okay, I got my watch guy forever.
I'll get my watch repaired with him in a hundred years from now.
Once you find your people, you stick together, especially now that we're in an American divorce and half the country wants to break up with us.
Okay, bye.
Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out and don't think you're getting the kids because you're not.
And as we get back to when we Leave and go behind the paywall.
We want you to know that we'll be doing much funner stuff than you've seen here.
There'll be much less gay references.
There will not be a 15-minute analogy that blows up in my face.
And I will not be getting ancient things like petards wrong.
So, uh... Whoa.
Why?
That blows your mind?
No.
Oh, boy.
What's going on?
Was this not recording?
Are we not broadcasting?
No, I got a very important text.
Oh, good.
Well, if you're tuning in, folks, for important news, make sure you watch Get Off My Lawn, where the engineer, I guess he is, will tell you about his personal life and talk about texts he receives.
I gotta go, because her water just broke.
Your wife's water just broke?
Yep.
Well, you can't go.
We gotta do another hour show.
I have to go.
No, you don't.
I literally have to go.
No, you literally don't.
I'm like, this is a very important moment.
I got to go.
Dude, when her water breaks, she has another five hours.
It's all about the contractions.
No, I got to go.
No, you don't.
I do.
We can finish the show.
Did she even ask you to go?
Sometimes they don't want you to.
Yeah.
I have to, I got to go.
I got to go.
Don't go.
Trust me.
It's going to be, the baby's not coming up for five hours.
We have one more hour to do.
You're making a huge mistake.
I'm nervous.
Yeah, that makes sense that you're nervous.
That's normal.
I don't think I can.
Calm down.
Call her and say, does she want you to go?
Let me just... I'll keep it recording.
I'll just keep it recording and then I'll... Dude, if you walk out of this door right now just because of some stupid baby bullshit, you're fired.
You're kidding me.
Dude, don't walk out the door.
We have another hour to go.
We ended it an hour early last time.
This is more important.
No, that was important last week.
Dude.
She'd kill me.
Death or fire.
Call her right now.
I promise you she's going to stay.
Wait.
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