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June 18, 2021 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:28:33
GOML LIVE #103: THE END?
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Time Text
Barely see the breath surrounding live from New York.
It's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGuinness.
Only ever cold drink underneath Sipping from you Least Times Lost by Unreturn.
Guess who that was?
That was the Elvis Presley of hardcore Ian Mackay.
I never heard that song before the other night.
Is there a Fugazi album I don't know about?
What just happened?
What's going on?
Oh, for fuck's sake, this is not good.
Look how fucking ripped I am, dude.
Damn.
With this new lighting?
The darkness makes you ripped.
I'm like, do you ever see that show Manimal?
No.
It's about a guy who could turn into animals.
A man who could turn into animals.
And back when I was a kid, there was only one show on, like a night.
So your whole family would sit together and watch Manimal.
And he would slowly transform into like a cougar.
And they'd show his skin and it looked like that.
Now, here's what I don't get about old clips.
Did it look that shitty when we were watching them?
Some fucking nerd is talking about a show.
I hate these nerds that are into this bullshit.
Show the show.
It's fucking nerd.
But you look at old ladies' clips and the quality looks like shit.
Is that just because it's died of old age?
Or was I watching shit quality video?
Because I know when I look at old pictures, I'm disgusted by how bad they are.
Oh, that's sharp.
This is people in my neighborhood staring at me when I'm at the park.
He's turning into a pigeon.
Cougar.
Hawk.
Bird.
Monster.
Cat.
Hawk, eagle.
Eagle?
Oh, I know how you could do that feather scene.
You get some fake skin, you put the feathers through, and then you pull them through the other side and reverse it.
And then reverse it, yeah.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Manima.
Isn't that the intro to the show?
I think these are just the transformation when they turn into one particular bird.
Hawk, panther, and snake.
And then you get hit by a carp, and you're dead.
That's my caveat.
I'm happy to time travel, become go back to the land of dinosaurs, become a bird.
I need it in writing that I can't be killed.
I'm not going to turn into no fucking mouse and have no motherfucking cat scoop me up, start chewing my black ass.
Nah.
Hell no.
I don't want no motherfucking helicopter sucking me up when I'm a hawk.
Cutting my bird head off and shit.
Fuck no.
I'd rather not risk it.
Thanks.
Plus, what if you suck at flying?
You could be an amoeba.
You could be an amoeba.
This is my black sidekick, Ryan.
You could always be the best.
Yo, you could be the bird, which is the bald eagle.
The bird which is...
Remember that guy?
Oh, I remember that.
What was that again?
Earth Girls Are Easy.
Oh, yeah, that's not that long ago.
That was like 2000.
No, he was a kid in 2000.
1980s, man.
Reddick, the guy who does ridiculousness, he purchased himself a black friend.
Fat Mike or something.
Big Mike.
And it was like his friend.
And then his friend pulled a Patrice.
This is something people don't know about Patrice.
Can we not get more lighting in here?
This is pretty bad.
Oh.
Perfect, Ryan.
Thanks.
Ryan saves the day once again.
Now you could tell a spooky story.
I would put this on the mic.
It might fuck up the audio, though.
Does it sound weird?
Yes.
Oh, it does.
What if I put it here?
That's a boy.
That's my boy.
That's my boss grown man boy.
That's my boss, boy.
Who's a little boss?
That's my boss.
That's my boss.
That should be a show.
Didn't think.
Didn't it?
It's a new 80s sitcom called That's My Boss.
My pet retard.
He's Japanese Puerto Rican.
Wait, I'm your big.
Does that make a difference?
I hope I don't get it.
Come back to me.
It's 1% better.
Okay.
Yeah, he bought himself a black friend.
Every young boy's dream.
This is like the toy.
Remember that movie, The Toy with Fucking?
Or I used to work for this rap record label called Decon.
And the guy, his mom had copyrighted Pilates.
So they were fucking loaded.
And what does the little white boy do when he gets tons of money?
His mommy buys him a rap label, which means black friends.
So if I sign you, you got to hang out with me.
So he'd hang out with these black guys that were like, well, whatever.
I guess we got to hang out with you to have records.
I'll do it.
But Big Mike said, look, whatever it's called, Robin Mike was the name of the show.
Robin Big.
Robin Big.
I need money.
I'm a major part of this show.
And he's like, no, you're not, actually.
I kind of bought you.
You're my sidekick.
And he goes, well, then I'm going to go on strike.
And he said, bye.
And then the guy died because he was a fatso.
Yes.
He was like, dude, if I gave you more money, you would have eaten yourself to death.
I.e., you did.
Yeah.
Chillo, you've got to.
No, the two are not related, actually.
One is just he's bad at, well, they are related.
He's bad at managing the food that goes into his head and he's bad at managing his life.
But Patrice was the same Way he'd start getting something going and he's like, I want triple the salary.
They go, What?
We just started this.
No, you're fired.
He fired his production company in a meeting with Comedy Central.
He could have been the next Dave Chappelle.
He had all these great sketch ideas, super raunchy.
This is back when political correctness hadn't totally taken over.
And he had a really raunchy idea of like race riots and all this fucking hilarious Dave Chappelle type race stuff.
And then he fired Michael Hirshoin in the pitch meeting.
So then, not the pitch meeting, the pitch, like acceptance meeting, let's get started on the pilot meeting.
And so then Comedy Central goes, well, it's over then.
We're not doing it.
We did it because we know this production company.
And Patrice was like, fuck all of you and walked out.
Yep.
You know that story?
Yeah.
How do you know that story?
Oh, my God.
Well, from Opie and Anthony, and then Chris Tucker wanted him as the dad and everybody hates Chris.
And he sabotaged it on purpose.
He didn't learn his lines and shit.
He just, maybe he was afraid of...
Chris Tucker.
Chris Rock.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And yeah, he would self-tap, sabotage a lot.
They had endless stories about that.
So your favorite things, just to be clear, are glasses, clocks, birds, and the sun.
Glasses, clocks, birds, and the sun.
Oh, my tattoo?
Yeah, that's what it looks like when people walk by you.
They go, man, that guy sure loves reading in the morning.
Well, it's a stop.
That was very Mitch Hedberg.
Man, that guy must like reading a lot.
But only when his life.
My friend has a tattoo of glasses, the sun, and a clock.
I think he likes to wake up early and read.
And he likes to fly.
He is unsuccessful unless he's the manimal.
He also has a dead friend who OD'd.
It might be that.
That's him.
Yes.
Yes.
Speaking of dead friends, Patrice O'Neill, the world's friend.
Even on Tough Crowd, he would derail whatever Colin was trying to do.
He'd make it a funnier show, but he would derail from whatever Colin had planned.
Yeah, that's different from derailing your career, though.
That's kind of punk rock to sort of wreck the thing and be kooky.
To wreck your career, here's my theory.
It's a form of insecurity.
It's kind of like why lottery winners blow all their money.
They don't feel worthy.
And I remember my dad said this.
I've told you this story before.
My dad said this when I was a young age.
He said, a lot of people don't get A's because they don't think they deserve an A. And I don't quite understand that, but I do get it in the sense that they sabotage their careers when they get offered this incredible opportunity and they go, eject, and just blow it because they can't handle that next level.
In fact, you get that with people and kids not wanting to get married, not wanting to have a kid.
It's like a combination of cowardice and insecurity where you go, I can't be a dad.
That's too crazy.
I can't.
It just sounds very gay.
It is.
Just a failure.
We had another fun suggestion from the readers.
So that wasn't from the readers.
That was...
Actually, look up that album, Fagazi Instrument.
I don't, I'm worried now one of my favorite bands has an album that slipped through the Gav cracks.
The Gav cracks.
The infamous Gav Cracks.
Yeah, this.
Oh, no.
I'm glad it's dark.
Fugazi slipped through this.
The Gav Crack.
Welcome back to the Gav Crack.
Show from My Crack, In My Crack, about My Crack.
Oh, it's a documentary?
This is getting even juicier.
I was surprised, by the way, with that opening song, how good Ian Mackay is at singing, not screaming.
Oh, so it's a documentary, and there happens to be a song sung in it.
God, they were kind of tedious sometimes.
Like, Ian Mackay would get mad if the pit had too many men and wasn't perfectly balanced between male and female.
Sorry, women don't like to thrash.
Instrument soundtrack.
Okay, what's that?
What was the song that we opened?
I'm So Tired?
I'm So Tired.
Okay, so that was a track on there.
Do you recognize the other songs?
No, not one of them.
Well, let me see here another one.
Pink Frosty.
The following is for reference only.
Sounds like I let a shitty album slip through the cracks.
Do another one.
Let's hop.
We're on!
We're rolling!
I know why they slipped through my crack because it's shit.
Okay, I'll research that more later.
It doesn't look like it's anything.
And then another, I keep wanting to say reader submission, I guess, from my magazine days.
Some Scottish dude, or maybe he's Irish.
Oh, he's Scottish.
Kind of a good folky guy to get drunk to.
David Francie, The Broken Heart of Everything.
Oh, shoot.
Dude, I forgot this is a live show.
Yeah.
So you got to do some reads.
We got to do the reads.
This is our Thursday night free show.
Oh, folks.
If you're watching this for free, you can't see, or you're listening to it, you can't see it.
The studio is black.
What is going on with the shot here?
Okay, things are not going well.
We've been having some difficulties.
I don't know what the future of this network is, to be honest.
We're going to have some lighting problems, some sound problems.
We can't take calls.
But the show must go on.
How am I?
Why am I so close?
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
So let's thank our first sponsor, of course, Nita Fashions.
Nita Fashions is in Hong Kong, but they will get to you via Zoom.
So click on contact us.
You go to info.
You can go to sales at nitafashions.com.
You can also go to info at nitafashions.com.
You can also go to their Instagram.
I would like Hong Kong, but the humidity is probably insufferable.
You can go to their website, that's their website, their Instagram, and DM them there.
And the beauty of their Instagram, of course, you can see all their new fabrics.
So this is how it works now.
I'm sure they'll travel to you in the future where they rent a hotel room in your town and you go and check it out and then they measure you and all that stuff.
But it's really simple.
They just do the measurements on the Zoom call.
You get one of those Taylor things, put that around your neck, and hang yourself and go fuck off.
No, just kidding.
You put that around your neck, you measure yourself, measure your waist, your thighs, whatever you're in, seam.
You should have someone there with you.
They write down all your measurements.
Then they can send you swatches of materials.
Next thing you know, you got a suit, and the prices are amazing.
You can get a shirt from anywhere from $50 to $300.
You can get a suit anywhere from $800 to $3,000.
It's up to you.
And you add all the details, what kind of collar you like.
And I keep saying this.
Oh, look, there's me.
It's who I use.
They're my personal tailor.
You get your name in it.
They put your name in the suit, which will feel cool to give to my kids when I'm old.
But it just feels, when you wear a custom suit, you don't feel like you're wearing a suit.
You know, you keep the suit you're wearing right now.
Your shirts, you can't do your top button.
The waist is tight because you put on weight.
I put on weight once, and I sent all my pants back to them, and they expanded them, and then sent them back to me.
That's the founder guy.
That's the dad.
That guy there.
And yeah, they're open ideas.
You can have a slim fit, box fit, skinny, fat, whatever you want.
Room for a sweater underneath.
Look, they even made that schlub look hot.
Is that Omar Rodrigo?
That's Eric Andre.
So NitaFashions.com, thank you very much for sponsoring the show.
And we hope that you get customers because we appreciate your business.
I like Indians in Hong Kong.
They're so apolitical.
They're just like, oh, so you are a Trump supporter, yes?
Yes, so you must be happy because your president, the one you wanted to win, won.
And then when Biden wins, I understand you're disappointed because you do not like Biden.
No, like, fuck you.
They don't have any skin in the game.
You got to be proud of you, boys.
This show will be very heavy on the viewer mail due to the lack of the phone system in here.
Okay, it's doing it again.
I'm close up.
I don't know what the future of this network is, to be honest.
What's with my audio, too?
Oh, Jesus, H Christ.
Dude.
How do you feel, Ryan?
Confident, gay, unconfident.
Confident, gay, unconfident.
CGU.
That's his new nickname.
That's my university.
I graduated with honors.
By the way, I forgot to mention last weekend I saw the Mitchells Against the Machines.
I cried six times.
Is it cute?
Is it cute?
God, you're a faggot.
It's not quote-unquote cute.
It's a very good movie.
There's a real heart tugging at the heartstrings part where, or general theme throughout the movie with the father and his daughter, and she's becoming a teen, which I identify with because my daughter's becoming a teen and I feel like I'm losing her a little bit.
You know, they're both at that stage, my eldest two kids, with the sort of like, I don't know.
Like at one time I said, that guy you hang out with, is that a guy or a girl?
And she went, what?
I go, is that a guy or a girl?
What?
I couldn't tell if she was fucking with me or she didn't get my question.
But a lot of like, I don't know.
Well, what'd you do?
How was your art class today?
Fine.
I don't know.
So that's the general theme of this movie.
And this is him giving up on his cabin in the woods because the family shouldn't be in the middle of nowhere, which I did.
I designed my own cabin in the woods.
I didn't physically build it, but I designed it myself exactly to my specs.
Had a urinal in the basement, open to above, in the living room.
Cool, like old recycled wood kind of bookshelf stuck in the middle of the living room and home theater and all this air hockey and all this cool shit.
But the kids hated it because it was a five-mile drive to any other kid.
And that's in this movie.
And it's pretty conservative.
It's very, very pro-family.
In fact, in the credits, they show everyone who worked on the movie as a picture with their family.
We all want to be the perfect family.
Yeah.
I think those are the ones who worked on it.
Maybe it's a Hispanic dude, and that's why it's so pro-family Catholic.
They're allowed to get away with that.
Yeah, so it was the movie in the Heights I mentioned the other day.
Very family.
Washington Heights is not great at maintaining a family.
Multiple families.
You start one over here, you leave that one, you start another one.
They're good at starting families.
It's not great at finishing them.
But it's got great action.
It's anti-screen.
It's kind of radical in that sense where they say maybe giving people, maybe everyone giving up their personal data for free wasn't such a great idea.
It gets you pumped.
Wait, play more of it.
I could watch it right now.
I love the animation, too.
It's CGI, but it's not annoying CGI.
And they keep doing that thing.
It's by the dudes who did Spider-Man the multiverse thing.
Oh, yeah.
It almost looks like claymation.
It almost looks like stop going.
I think CGI's finally reached a point where it doesn't annoy you.
He's really likable, a real patriarch.
He hates technology.
He's a big hunter.
And they cut to memes and stuff.
Really well done.
Had a great time.
I cried six times.
Good cries, though.
Not a faggy cry.
Right.
A real man cry.
And I was crying about how much I love my daughter.
That's not gay.
No.
That's actually machismo, believe it or not.
And then the other thing I forgot to talk about was at my local pub where Joe, the compulsive liar.
Did I talk about this yet?
I mean, I have a bunch, but we got a smart TV on the TV.
And I didn't, did you know this?
There's a smart TV, right, in your bar.
You go into pictures, you choose a picture, you do the send box, right, in the bottom left, then you scroll down, copy photo, add to shared item, slideshow.
Then there's airplay.
You click on airplay and it says which TV, the living room?
And you go, yes.
A code appears on the bar TV.
6961.
Type that in.
It's not 6961, but you get the idea.
And now you can resize the photo and everything.
You can play videos on the from your, are you laughing?
Because everyone knows this?
Yeah, why not?
Of course I know that.
It hadn't occurred to me to prank.
No, you can resize.
So I put up pictures.
He has Crohn's disease and he's been shitting a lot.
Right.
And he's also a compulsive liar.
So he denies he's been shitting a lot.
So we have photographic evidence of actual shit stains on his pants, shit he's left in the bathroom.
We've shown them on the show, right?
There's one in particular that I have stared at for about two days.
I suggest people take it with them on a road trip and try to figure it out.
It's like, what's that, Sudoku?
It's like the hardest Sudoku puzzle you could ever imagine.
Did you ever tell him, I don't know how much, I don't know where more shit comes out of your ass or your mouth, Joe.
Ever say that?
But funnier?
Punch it up.
You can't be funny with him.
He's too stupid.
Like, I secretly write the word faggot on the fireball.
And then I go, give me a fireball, faggot, to the bartender.
And then if it's a new guy or whatever, he goes, what?
And I go, that's what it's called.
That's right there.
I show him the bottle and go, what did you think?
So he, I think, thinks that's funny.
So then when I come in, he gives me the marker for some reason.
And he writes it himself.
And then he goes, he'll also say, hey, you want a faggot, faggot?
I'm like, Joe, that's not the joke.
That takes all the fun away.
So he lied about being a Marine, lied about EMT, lied about being a safety inspector.
And so our buddy Matt goes in there and says, he accepted a $100 tip on Memorial Day weekend as a Marine.
Now, I know what you're saying, Gavin, where the fuck were you?
Why didn't you take him out?
I was not there.
I found out about it later.
But so did Matt.
He ran over there and he's like, all right, this is what you're going to do.
You're going to get up here, stand up, and announce to the bar, repeat after me.
I'm not a Marine.
I'm not a Marine.
I was never a Marine.
I was never a Marine.
I was never in the military.
I was never in the military.
I was never an EMT.
I was never an EMT.
I was never a safety inspector.
I worked with a safety.
No, no, you were never a safety.
I was never a safety inspector, okay?
God.
Now, you're lucky you got away with that.
Lying about being a Marine, first of all, I believe it's a felony.
But a lot of these people at this bar, they were either vets or their family are still in the military and you're fucking taking a $100 tip on Memorial Day weekend?
Literally, how dare you?
How dare you?
So then his jig is up, right?
And he's not doing it anymore.
I thought that was a great dishonor.
He shits himself.
And so he says the other day to this guy, Jose, he goes, so good news.
I'm seeing a therapist about the lying thing.
And he goes, really?
Yeah, you guys are right.
It was getting out of hand.
And I got to stop.
So I'm seeing a therapist now.
Guess what Jose said?
What?
You're lying.
Exactly.
You're here from 9 a.m. till 11 p.m.
When does your therapist work?
Midnight?
She's a blue-collar therapist on the night shift?
Emergency services.
She was in the night shift therapy for all the construction dudes.
What?
So he lied about lie therapy.
Is that a good one or what?
Wow.
Wow.
Fucking wow.
Which brings us to our oldest sponsor we've ever had, Johnny Apple CBD.
jacbd.com.
What does that give you?
What is these gummies?
What are these guys selling?
What is the tincture?
What is the ointment?
It's marijuana.
Marijuana is illegal.
You can't be selling THC like that.
There's no THC.
All the illegal stuff is taken out.
Well, then it's useless because pot is only magic with THC and the illegal stuff.
Wrong.
Pot is magic without any of the illegal stuff.
The tincture in your coffee takes the edge off.
Look at this.
Brand new product.
Introducing STEM, Johnny Apple.
That's Ryan's shit with the vapes, right?
Vape it up, man.
The gummies help you get to sleep.
The CBD is great for sore muscles, and it's great for women wearing high-heel shoes.
Put the CBD ointment on your feet.
You're wearing high-heel shoes all night, no problem.
What's this now?
Oh, these are the flavors for the vape?
They got vape juice, brah.
Jesus.
It sold out for this.
They've blossomed so much, they've gone over my head.
I don't even know what half of these things are.
They've been with us since day one.
And if you use code Gavin, promo code Gavin, you get 20% off your order.
So I recommend going there, using that code, and going absolutely ballistic, getting a year's supply of everything.
And they also have the brain power, brain juice, Johnny Apple brain juice that wards off dumb thoughts and cancer.
Brain juice.
That's a hack to do that.
The new brain juice.
Yeah, johnnyapple.com, j-a-c-b-d.com.
Please go there now.
Use the promo code Gavin, and we thank them for supporting free speech since day one.
We have tactical walls coming up before we leave you and go behind the paywall and answer some emails, some letters.
We have a ton, and don't worry, I've gone through them all.
So they're all high-quality garbage.
But before we do that, I wanted to have a brief look at the war on Cops.
And I think this would be a good intro to Tactical Walls because they are all about self-defense.
And we are at the point now.
And I talk to cops on a regular basis, city cops, retired cops, Bronx cops.
They're all exactly the same as far as what they think has happened to the job.
The job is dead.
They don't go to things.
They don't go to calls.
They have been told that they're defunded.
I told you the other day that they're now adding certain banned maneuvers like knee on the back, the chokehold, any of this stuff.
That's now not just banned, but illegal.
So if you do it during an arrest, you're now liable.
You're no longer indemnified.
You can be sued, your personal bank account empty.
Even if it's the most bullshit suit ever, you have to use your lawyer, your money, to fight it.
What?
So why bother?
You know, if you're courting a girl and she makes it crystal clear she has no interest in you, you stop courting.
You don't want to fuck with her.
You turn around and walk away.
I don't want to fuck you.
And basically the police in New York, I can't speak to your town, but they're saying, we don't want to fuck with you.
We're done.
Fine.
Try it your way for a little bit.
And not only have they said, like, we don't like cops, they've said we're punishing cops if they do their job.
So it's not like it's their opinion where they go, I'm going to try not doing my job.
You made it impossible for them to do their job and taking their money away.
Dude, in Mount Vernon, where Larry Barnes is from, about 40 minutes north of New York City, the cops don't have money to put gas in their cars.
Mount Vernon is like Zimbabwe.
They eat the poo-poo in Mount Vernon.
And this one is eating the poopu all over the place.
I love that accent.
And this one is eating the poo-poo all over the place.
I love it.
African, Jamaican, Scottish.
I could listen to those accents.
Italian's pretty good.
I like Australian.
Australian, yeah.
I like it.
It's pretty fun.
But if you're fucking a girl and she's like, oh yeah, your cock is gorgeous.
That would stink.
Yeah, you don't want that accent.
Your cock is proper fit or whatnot.
Yeah, that's the same as, as bugged out, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yo!
On your feet, soldier!
So I wanted to have a brief look at the war on cops.
We don't have a bumper for the war on cops.
If someone could make one.
Oh, it's doing it again.
I got it.
Maintain.
I'm going to maintain.
Let's just get right back into it.
Without further ado, the war on cops.
Look at the shit they have to deal with.
This is really long, so I'll have to skip through it.
But he's got a gun in his hand.
We're talking to you, man.
Hey, drop it.
Don't pursue him.
Everything has been recorded, okay?
Everything is on camera.
Hey, buddy, just drop it, man.
Captains or lieutenants or whatever they're called who have told their rookies, the new guys, if you do shit like this and you go do police work, I'm going to kick your ass.
We don't need this tension at the station.
Don't be a good cop.
Don't be a cop is really what they're saying to the new kids.
We're going to lose this whole back bookshelf, too.
Say goodbye to that.
Ooh, that should be a good thing we show on the TVs.
A picture of the back.
Nice.
Nice.
That's a good job, man.
Go ahead.
So we got to skip a little bit.
Yeah, they go for a walk with him.
They're walking around with him.
Should have just done that from the beginning.
Hey, you with the gun.
Put the gun down.
No, okay.
Next.
So there's a cop down back there.
Why didn't you put the...
I would be like, why didn't you put the fucking gun down?
Yeah.
What were you thinking?
So they have to arrest the guy now.
Why has he got black gloves on?
Is there anything crazy?
Yeah.
And then there's another cop over there.
He's saying, where were you hit?
Where were you hit?
Look at this.
See that?
Wait, go back.
You see how instantaneous it is?
Like, go back.
It's like, how many frames is that?
Can you go frame by frame?
Okay, let's do frame of stop.
Frame by frame.
So let's say here.
Okay, let's say here.
In the pocket.
Yep.
One, two, three, five, six, eight, nine, ten.
And look, he puts his hand over it.
In like 18 frames, like 20 frames.
And it's 27 frames a second, right?
At least it is with animation.
24.
It could be 30 or 60 for here.
So this could be really a fraction of what I'm saying.
I know it's doing very good math.
But we're talking about a tenth of a second, maybe.
You have to react.
Yeah, that's it right there.
And that guy didn't get shot.
Ready?
And that's how long.
And then I think the guy with the body cam gets shot.
No, they both got shot.
That's it.
But this was in the vest or something?
Let's see it.
Go.
That's the other thing, too.
When they go, the victim had 50 bullets in him.
The cops are just laughing, standing over him, shooting.
That's how many bullets you see in one second.
Anyway, you're not hearing a dying cop.
You're hearing an injured cop.
They went to the hospital and they left.
And of course, with the perp, I know you're wondering what happened to him.
I looked into it.
Who cares?
I saw this article in the New York Times, Gray Lady Down.
By the way, a lot of cops hate body cams.
You think, well, that vindicates you.
No, because the media will take the worst clip from the body cam, and then that's what goes viral.
And now they're showing up at your house ready to kill you.
Oh, I haven't seen that angle.
Bam.
What a fucking job, huh?
I would be in depends.
Any job, military cop, any job where I could be shot at, I would be constantly pooping.
I poop.
Oh, look, he's got blood on it.
I guess he got shot in the hand.
I'm shitting my pants when I spar with friends who have agreed not to hit me too hard.
That makes me nervous.
I guess that might be a pussy, I think, is the term.
That's the street vernacular.
Look, he keeps going from white to black, black to white.
Is he telling him to die?
It's over here.
Oh, the perp is yelling, die.
Yeah.
It's over here.
It's over here.
Look at this horrible stat.
The New York Times is really worried about.
48 black women killed by police in just six years.
So that's what?
Eight times six?
Wait, no, you dumbass.
You just ruined the whole fucking thing.
3-0.
48 black women killed by the police since 2015.
So that's six years, right?
Eight times six is 48, I believe.
So eight a year.
And they say only two charges.
Yeah.
What were the cases?
Here, go to a tour thing in Brave.
I find that kind of works.
I think what happened is I killed my credit card, so all my subscriptions are out.
I highly recommend you do that.
But once a year, throw your credit card away.
And then you get all this shit like premium YouTube, which you never used.
Of course, you stay with censored.tv.
Don't get crazy now.
We're here to deliver sanity into your life.
Don't be stupid at either.
Don't do nothing stupid.
Trust me, if you get rid of censored.tv, your sanity will start chipping away.
I'm the only thing keeping you alive right now, keeping you out of the Bellevue loony bin, because I am like you and I'm totally rational about things.
And when I see this, I go, okay, I'm not taking that at face value.
What's the math?
What were they doing?
Eight a year out of how many millions of interactions with police and how many of them were charging at police?
How many of them had a knife?
How many of them were trying to kill a cop with a gun?
How many of them were refusing to cooperate and screaming their fucking heads off?
Of course it's done by a child.
Like go up to the author.
Always check the author, boys.
What's happening?
Are you in a...
I'm still incognitro, but it's...
It doesn't care about me.
It found you out.
Anyway, it's written by some child, some little kid who's like just graduated from school with a monobrow, but has an ethnic name, so it checks off that affirmative action box.
And she goes off about just focusing on how few police have been charged with the 48 women who have been killed by police.
Doesn't get into the case and whether they were innocent or not.
Just Breonna Taylor.
They weren't prosecuted.
Wait a minute.
They were prosecuted with Breonna Taylor, weren't they?
Even though he was innocent?
Look at her.
Allison Hardasani Gupta.
I have a Hardasani.
I put in the phrase.
The system that killed Breonna Taylor.
The system that killed Breonna Taylor was drugs.
There she is.
Hello.
I'm going to tell you the name.
Okay, so let's say that's eight a year.
Let's just for fun pretend that they were innocent black women who were just going to get groceries, right?
Out of 331 million people, obviously any innocent life lost is terrible, but that's eight innocent black women killed a year.
Now let's jump to the number of cops killed here.
Number of police officers shot this year reaches 128.
Union says defund movement is a factor.
That's in the past six months.
Now I know you say, well, how many of them died?
They're willing, A, they're wearing bulletproof vests.
B, their job is to not get shot.
So when you hear about cops getting shot and not dying, it's not because they just had good luck.
This is their job.
Their job is avoiding it.
So I think the number of cops being shot is much more relevant in the case of cops than with others.
128 shot in six months.
Eight women killed a year in America.
Black women.
Who deserves a movement?
Who has the numbers behind them?
Black Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter?
Clearly it's Blue Lives Matter.
Can we stop with the fucking fashion, please?
Anyway, if you care about this, there's a law enforcement loyalty pack 3-2.
What's the actual URL, Ryan?
It is anna.anedot.com slash law enforcement loyalty pack.
I think if you just Google Law Enforcement Loyalty Pack, you'll end up there.
And what does the little card say?
These cowards don't care about the real people.
They are hurting.
They don't care, but I do.
And I hope you do as well.
I'm a former cop and I'm working with Law Enforcement Loyalty Pack.
I need to know if you were standing with us.
No parades for that kid.
No one knows his name.
Lost a father or a mother, likely a father.
Let's see A World Without Cops, just to end this segment.
Here we are.
So this is San Francisco, one of the progenitors of the Defund the Police movement.
Let's see how that's working out for you, San Francisco.
Guy is in there, for those of you just listening to the audio.
He brought an empty garbage bag.
It's not a small one, too.
It's a contractor bag.
Or one of those big, huge black kitchen bags.
And he's just loading it up with beauty products, which he's probably, I guess, going to sell.
And there's the security guard who seems to be female Dominican.
The community can police itself, so let's see that in action.
Yeah, let's see the community police itself.
What the fuck is that noise?
Oh my god, not again, not again, not a fucking gun.
Look at this.
And look at this half-ass attempt.
Hey, I want that.
It doesn't do anything.
It didn't.
All the security guard did was move it from the top of his bike to the side of his bike.
I got to see that again.
He made the camera angle a little shittier.
So he actually helped the perp.
Because the closest he could have been to identifying him.
Thanks for filming it, Security Guard.
Look, the Karen is doing more work than the Security Guard.
Can't you tackle him?
And that's free stuff from Walgreens, San Francisco.
Bye.
When junkies are sick, they have...
They'll shoot their mother right in the face.
Does this help?
Will this get me smacked?
Bye, mom.
So unless you have serious law and order and you physically stop them from stealing, they're going to be stealing.
Okay, so let's end this before we get to the lets with Tactical Walls.
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The shells have this thing where you slide over like a little statue, it releases a magnet, and then ka-chunk-ka-chunk, out comes your fucking gun.
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Go back to the site.
Look at the variety of products there.
There's the issue box where you hide a handgun.
I won't embarrass myself by getting the details of the guns, but keep going here.
Yeah, use it for your workshop.
You put your tools there.
Everything looks organized and beautiful.
You open up your garage door.
Everything is in order.
And just like when Jordan Peterson says, clean your room.
When your workshop is in order, it just makes you do projects more.
You'll notice if your desk is just covered in crap, you don't feel like working until you clean it up.
It's the same with your workshop.
And Tactical Walls can help you with that.
They can also, you spent a fortune on these guns.
Don't have them in a drawer.
Display them.
Have them ready to grab.
Look how cool that looks.
That's right out of Batman's Cave.
Or what's it called?
Kingfish?
Kingsman.
Kingsman.
It's right out of the Kingsman.
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All right.
Oh, we have the final video.
We don't usually do this on the live show, but let's do it anyway today.
Let's do the final video.
I want to show you this brutal attack in a world without cops where people just are taking care of the person they've wanted to shoot for a long time.
Now, infrared light is weird.
These night lights distort the races.
I can't really tell if we're looking at whites, Hispanics, or blacks.
I think they're white.
We're usually showing African-American BIPOCs shooting each other, but this appears to be those not from the Caucasus Mountains, which are nowhere near India, by the way.
I don't know who told you that.
Yeah, those are white people, right?
Yes.
And you can tell, but are they Hispanic?
Maybe.
I don't think so.
I don't see a lot of blondes.
But the clothes seem very college-y.
Yeah.
Maybe even white trashy.
Wiggers.
Is there anything in the comments to say where this is?
Not a lot of comments for such a wild video.
I've seen this.
Mob and Shizz.
So I thought you mute Mob and Shiz because you get depressed by all the ghetto action.
No, I don't.
On the new one, I leave it rock.
My wife said, why do you look at that stuff?
And I go, I don't know.
I guess I'm developing a thicker skin.
Did you see the one I sent you with the woman's butt implant?
Yes.
Oh, f.
So this is not safer work for anybody, realizing.
Yeah, we're about to watch a person be murdered.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bang, bang, bang.
Point blank.
I think that might be the bouncer.
Oh, really?
Look, and then they come back for him.
It's odd.
Alright, so he's got some hype sneakers.
Now look at the fat guy.
This is what I don't get.
He appears to be black, actually.
I think he might be a black bouncer.
He's dressed well, right?
And the rest of them are dressed like whatever kids.
He was a black bouncer.
He told them to go fuck themselves.
They're losers.
And then they went and got a gun and decided to kill him and ruin their lives in the process.
He's got three im reflective sneakers, like hype sneakers.
I don't think that's relevant.
Why are you bringing that up?
Wigger or college kid?
Oh, you mean that kid, the shooter?
The shooter.
Look at the girl at the beginning, though.
She's just like, hey, what are you doing with that gun?
Put that away, you guys.
And then this fat so wanders out, dudes, what are you doing?
You shouldn't kill people.
Oh, I guess she doesn't know they have a gun.
Look, people are still sort of sticking around.
And that fat guy, I Can't get over him.
Hey, dude.
He just moved his leg.
That's kind of fucked up, just for the record.
Isn't that weird?
And when he goes in to shoot him again, yeah, he just moves his foot.
He's like, oh, sorry, I'm in your way.
People are getting shot.
I'm good.
Yeah, I didn't like him either, man.
I shouldn't have killed that guy.
You know, that's illegal, right?
Here you go.
Look at the leg.
The fat man's foot.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I should move my foot of the way if you're going to keep shooting.
There you go.
Yeah, you've done it.
And he's talking with his oversized Mountain Dew King can.
I killed to know what he's saying.
Holy shit.
That is surreal.
It's never going to be the same again.
No, that's fucked.
All right, now we're going behind the paywall.
I'm sorry we can't take calls.
You know, I already am so dumb and concussed that someone stole our garden hose.
Damn.
And I was like, son of a bitch.
I don't know why it made me so mad because our garden hose is...
What?
The tape?
Our garden hose is way back.
You know, like by the house.
This is in the front lawn.
So that means they really end up in the bathroom.
They really did the balls to really go in there.
So like, you cocksucker.
So I'm determined to catch the guy.
And I'm going back through my cameras.
And I realize, shit, this happened like two weeks ago.
Now I go back.
I'm not going to tell you how long, but a long ass time.
So I'm not that worried about it.
But how did I miss this?
And I'm scrolling and I'm scrolling.
And then I find the fucker.
His name is me.
Oh, no.
I removed it.
It was hanging over the fence.
We had some people over.
We were having a nice party and it just looked ugly and dirty.
So I unscrewed it and threw it in the garage at the back.
Oh, my God.
And I'm like, I got the son of a bit.
Is that Donald Sutherland with AIDS?
Did Kiefer Sutherland lose his job?
Is Wolfred Brimley anorexic?
That's me.
Anyway, folks.
What are you going to do to yourself to punish yourself?
I'm going to hit my foreskin against cutting block with a ball peen hammer.
Ew.
I've got to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Can I watch?
Yeah, you can watch.
We're going to do it on the show.
Nice.
So, yeah.
What is going on with the...
Oh, so don't hang up.
Well, we're not taking calls, but don't leave if you are paying for this service.
We're about to go behind the paywall.
As far as the freeloaders, goodbye.
But in the interim, get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
Spit it all with me.
All right.
Let's head over to.
Oh, wait, I didn't show you that shit pic.
Can you pull that up?
Shit pic.
Oh, I sent it to myself for fuck's sakes.
Shit pic.
Shit, welcome back to shit pics.
It's like ridiculousness, but it's all shit.
That'd be so cool.
Man, what is this?
You saw this?
Yeah, I did see that.
I wish we had earlier footage.
Imagine you come out to get your car and it's 100% gone.
I pray no one was in the car.
Yes, sure.
I pray just only Ted Kennedy's intern was the only one there.
My God.
I'd never seen a car just disappear like that before.
It's really perfect.
You know what's kind of scary is that the brake lights are on.
So maybe somebody is in there.
Oh, that's bad.
What a fucking horrible way to die.
That's got to sus-sis-sis-sis-sus-suck.
Oh, well.
I wonder how I'm going to die.
So look at the poo pick I sent you.
Okay, poo pick sent.
This is from Joe.
Well, I'm not 100% sure.
I'm quite sure.
Warning, grossed, if you're eating, don't look, don't look.
Spoiler.
Holy shit.
Now, obviously you say holy shit right away when you first see it, right?
But...
Wow.
Some people say, oh, did he sit too far back?
How?
And they go, what's the white?
Well, the white is he has Crohn's disease, so he's constantly shitting his own pants.
So I think he puts tissue paper up there, and then he shits his crack, and then he scoops it out.
Oh my God, I think I may have finally figured it out.
This has taken me six months.
Oh, this is the Sudoku puzzle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You ready for this?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
I can't wait to tell the others at the bar.
I also put this on the screen.
And I put it, I forgot to tell all these stories about it.
I put this on the screen.
I put pictures of him sleeping.
He got caught in Arizona faking being a nurse.
So I have the paperwork that the National Nurse Council issues these impersonators, these forms, because it's dangerous, right?
Hey, I'm a nurse.
You should take this much insulin.
Like, you can kill people.
So they put out these things.
Joe has a cease and desist.
I put that up.
I put up his resume, which is insane.
Oh, my God.
I should show all this shit.
It is fucking gold.
Actually, why not, right?
Is that legal or whatever?
Yeah, it's all public knowledge.
I love how we're always so worried about criminals' rights.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, maybe I should just do the resume.
This is hilarious, though.
Like, this guy is what a so active piece of shit.
Yeah.
Cease and desist.
His resume is amazing.
I got to find it.
But here's what happened with the shit.
Sorry, I'm doing too much at once here.
I'm supposed to be reading letters.
So here's my theory, right?
His ass is covered in shit.
Because he shit his pants.
Yeah, off to a bad Start.
Wait a minute, go back to the picture.
Okay, so this one's going to take some suspension of disbelief, but he goes, oh my God.
So he, oh, I know.
He knows there's shit all over his ass, so he can't use the seat.
So he lifts both the lid and the seat up, right?
And then he sort of squats down and tries to push out what's there.
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
And he hears like a I'm done.
And then he's like, I'm done.
And he's so like dumb.
Maybe he takes like a big roll and he wipes what he can off of there.
Then he throws that in and then he stuffs tissue paper in whatever's left in the mess.
He doesn't realize that he's left a bunch of Nutella in the crack, the very back of the seat.
Then when he closes the seat, it squooshes out the other side like Play-Doh.
That's what's going on.
You're like Colonbo.
I'm Sherlock Holes.
But let me...
Shitlock Holmes.
Shitlock Holmes is much better, yeah.
Let me see if I can find his resume, which is something for the books.
It's a shame that the only thing that fucks up the Colombo one is like the emphasis.
Colonbo.
It just ruins it.
Your joke.
Colon?
Colonbo?
Colombo?
Sorry.
It's tough.
I don't.
I don't have to show you the cease and desist, right?
That's not, like, just take my word for it.
It's from a judge.
It says cease and desist.
You're not a nurse.
I don't have to show you the impersonators list.
We've already seen pictures of him passed out.
I could show you a bunch more pictures of shit on the floor.
But I think this is good.
His resume, which is all lies.
This is basically 100% lies.
I just sent it to you, Ryan.
He doesn't say that.
You're a liar.
It's so long, too.
I've heard that before.
Here we go.
Should we blank out that fucking full name?
Nah.
Just start with the...
Okay.
So Joseph Tonelli.
Wait.
Yeah, you just showed his phone numbers.
It's live.
The whole thing.
Extensive background in heavy construction, marine safety, environmental health and safety, blah, blah, blah.
He just throws marine in there, like with one comma.
Since my employment with NRG Home Solar Energy, the impact I'm having in less than a month of employment, I'm earning the trust and the respect of the employees, which is hard to do, especially being in the safety, the field.
When you have that on your side, the employees know you are looking out for their well-being and you're working with them, not against it.
In the past, the employees see the safety person drive up, comes to a stop because they're afraid they're going to be jammed up.
Spelled wrong.
Everything's spelled wrong.
However, when they see me, it's business as usual.
And if I see something that's not right, from there, I will put all my PPP, PPE and fault protection, et cetera.
And I'll assist them with their work as I talk with them with my concerns and the employees, blah, blah, blah.
If you go down, see if you can find the part in the document where he says he saved a cat when he's a fireman.
Just do, can you do a search?
Because it's like, it's really long.
Is that just the one page?
No, there's seven pages.
It's a seven-page resume.
Cat space.
Ah, there we go.
So zoom out now.
Oh, my God.
This is such fucking gold.
Zoom in a bit more.
Zoom out.
Oh, my God.
He calls it a feline rate scroll-up.
This is fucking gold.
I got signed by President Ronald Reagan, blah, blah, blah by President Obama.
Letter of his commendations from the village of Harrison, Rye, New York Mayor, public, blah, blah, blah.
Numerous life-saving awards.
From Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan, they're all thanking him for going above and beyond the Call of Duty.
Made the front page of the Daily Atom newspaper November 9th, 1991 for doing CPR on a cat.
Exclamation mark.
I was a Rye Fire Department volunteer captain with the Ponego Hook and Ladder Company at the time while searching a private house located in Ryan, New York that was on fire.
I love how New York has a period.
I searched the second floor and found an unresponsive feline.
I broke out a window on the second floor to let the heavy smoke out and brought the feline onto the roof.
With heavy smoke and fire around me, I removed my air pack so I could give the feline air.
While I was doing CPR, after about 10 minutes of CPR, the feline came to and was rushed to the Rye Harrison Veterinarian Hospital where the feline was in critical but stable condition.
After about a week or so in the hospital, the cat made a full recovery.
Wow.
The cat was just lying there with like tubes up his nose.
And Joe was like, hey there, little guy, you okay?
And the cat just sort of put his paw on Joe's hand.
It was like, and then he was like, roughing his head, you're going to make it, little buddy.
I know you is.
I know you is.
This is so Scary Perry.
Well, you can't.
This is my town.
The problem with Scary, like the thing about, what do they call it?
Dinner with schmucks kind of stuff is you don't want to fuck with people who are just like dumb or handicapped or something.
You're not choosing your targets.
But Scary Perry is a fucking asshole.
And Joe lied about being a Marine.
And he got a $100 tip on Memorial Day weekend.
So all bets are off.
All bets are off.
All right, let's get to the mail.
Shall we?
This is my town.
Chi town.
City of big hopes, big dreams.
He slaps the mic.
I saved the cat.
And then I took off my handbag.
Now we have to see that.
Give him CPR.
I had to quit the Perry Project because I was becoming addicted.
Some say I'm the best private dick there ever was.
But that was a long time ago.
The stone man has seen better days.
I'm out of shape.
I'm out of touch.
And I'm simply out of time.
I need a break and soon.
But there's trouble brewing up.
Stone can feel it.
Bobcat Goldwait.
But shit.
I'm sorry.
He lets it spit him.
I think you're adding too many colors to a painting.
Wait, go to the very beginning when he hits his mic.
My name is Stone, Stone Fury.
This is my town, Chi-Town, Chicago, Illinois.
A land of big hearts, big shoulders, and broken dreams.
I think they cut out where the mic pops.
Actually, speaking of which, we got a Scary Perry letter a long time ago, and, you know, it got buried.
From he?
Yeah.
This is from Michelle.
It's like June 8th.
The subject is just Scary Perry.
Greetings, chicken cream and brown funnel noodles.
I was in the chat during the live show last week.
Now, this is June 8th, so we're going back here.
Remember, you brought up Scary Perry.
Most of the people in the chat had no clue who he is, thought it was fake, etc.
Would it be a huge ask if maybe you would do a green screen presentation on Perry and Windy City Heat?
It's the best 30-year and still-going prank in history.
Not sharing it with the newer subscribers would solidify you as the biggest dick ever.
A squoze is worth a thousand squeezes.
Two squeezes don't make a squoze.
A squeeze in time saves a squoze.
The squoze is mightier than the squeeze.
I'm finished, Michelle.
Well, first of all, just go to YouTube and watch Windy City Heat, which was funded by Jimmy Kimmel back before he was woke, back when he was fun, back when everyone was fun.
Like, comedy was just for comedy fans back then in the early aughts, and no one, politics didn't go near it.
But that Squows thing is just gold.
Don Barris, the sort of mastermind of the prank, set up a meeting with an important director, which was fake.
And Perry's just a lazy asshole, so we missed it.
And he calls me, he goes, what the hell have you done?
You're going to knock me in the movie now.
You're never going to work in this town again.
How did you blow that meeting?
And he goes, I don't know.
I slept in.
And he goes, you got to make up a lie.
You got to say you were raped.
And so he goes back and forth on the different lines.
She's like, okay, hold on.
I'll try it.
And then he comes back and he goes, no, you got to make it bigger than that.
Say that he put a bottle up your ass and it broke.
Or it's possible Perry added that on his own.
I can't quite remember.
But this is the line that it makes me smile to this day.
And I heard it 20 years ago.
He goes, yeah, I don't want to get into it.
And the fake director's like, oh, my lord.
You're kidding me, Perry.
Are you all right?
He goes, yeah, I'm fine.
It was really, I had to go to the hospital because he put a, I don't want to talk about it, but he put a bottle in there.
And, you know, I didn't want to squeeze, but I squeeze.
And it broke.
Oh, my God.
Like the baseball referee I was talking to in between games at my kids' game a couple weeks ago, and he had a promising college baseball career.
And I think he was drunk because he wouldn't shut up.
He was like, yeah, that was back then.
I mean, I'm one of these guys.
I don't think you should be a snob out there.
I don't like good eye.
I like just hit there.
And you know, I've made mistakes.
There's times when I swang when I didn't want to swing.
And I was like, holy shit, you just did the swing version of Squoze.
I swang.
Good lord.
How many times have I got to tell to stop touching that stupid earpiece?
For the love of God, stop touching your earpiece.
Oh, he's lactose intolerant.
Put it back in.
I don't want to lose that.
I would rather that fall out than you keep touching it every two seconds.
Dietrich.
Okay, that's enough of it.
New Jeffy.
I can't figure out a fucking earpiece.
There's another scary parry here.
Hey, Gav, I know you're a big fan of the Scare Master and love your work.
I was wondering if you've seen any of his streaming stuff from Twitch.
Apparently, he streams for hours with fans sending him raw fish, firewood, and fast food.
He doesn't like tipping him to do stupid shit, but recently I've stumbled upon some convenient highlight compilations on YouTube.
Non-stop laughs.
Yeah.
We saw the fire in the microwave one.
That was good.
Put a piece of bread in the microwave for 10 minutes.
Hey, Gavin, as a fellow fan of the Perry Project, check out this fake news clip they showed to Perry on him being gay.
Oh, that's ancient news.
You've all seen that, right?
Turn it up.
No one's defending this idiot.
Look, I'm there.
Kill me.
That is, is Perry gay or lesbian?
You know, that's great.
That's his life.
I don't have a problem with seeing him kiss his boyfriend on television.
That's who he is.
Well, you know, again, I'm focusing on the fact that he's not the mob.
The PC mob is running the economy.
We gotta take a break for you guys one more second.
You don't want to miss this.
When we get back to the reaction, we're gonna be the most fucking videos of the day.
He's talking to me.
That's perfect because me being on that panel totally gives it credibility.
Oh, that's fucking great.
So Hannity was in on that.
That wasn't edited?
Because he said Perry.
And he said gay.
Okay, there's a chance two things happened.
They edited that footage to sound like he said that, or took it out of context, or He liked Jimmy Kim you and everybody else.
No, no, Hannity is not a super funny dude who's happy to get involved in the oldest prank in history that was just really good editing.
And they were talking about Rick Perry.
Oh.
Right?
Okay.
I don't know if Rick Perry was rumored to be gay, was he?
Rick Perry gay.
Yep, Rick Perry gay rumors.
So that's all they need to.
Anyway.
Hello.
I've recently become obsessed with Scary Perry, and I've been watching his Twitch stream like it's my last day on earth.
Fuck my heels.
I like your new sunglasses.
And then they've got a clip there.
I guess from his...
I'm not a fag.
I'm homophobic.
Okay, that's ancient.
All right, so now, like, that's how much fucking mail we have to get through.
I just put in any search, and there's 9 million things.
Like, let's put in a thing.
How about fucking...
Animals.
You want to do edibles?
Dogs?
Like, people talking about their dogs, and they hate how you talk about dogs.
No, I put in Glasgow.
Let me put in Glasgow.
Fee Glasgow, by the way.
I ate Fee Glasgow.
I've been having trouble viewing GOML episodes since the 10th of June live show.
As in, I can't fucking get them.
And now I can't even access earlier shows.
I downloaded a VPN assuming that my network had blocked the videos, but still having no luck.
It's worth mentioning that I'm using a brand new Samsung phone that could have some sort of blocker on it or something.
Alright there, Tony.
Appreciate you getting us the updates.
I'm going to send this to the tech guy.
And fucking he's going to see what he can do and all.
Right.
You're right, big man.
You're right, pal.
Alright, let's scooch down here.
I've been through all these now, Ryan.
What's going on?
Is it overheating again?
Just make it shut it down.
Fucking hell.
Alright, here's one.
Why was your wife's nickname Blobs?
That doesn't sound very attractive.
Just always wondered that after reading your book.
I guess I should have mentioned it in the book.
I said to her once, what's your idea, heaven?
Like, what was your ideal day?
Like, if you could do anything, you know, time travel or fucking fight a lion, like, what'd you like to do?
And she said to me, I'd like to just sit in bed all day surrounded by magazines.
This is when we met back in 2001 and all right.
So magazines were more about, you didn't have an iPad and all.
And I said, that's sucking typical of a woman, you know.
You're all so fucking lazy there.
You're just a bunch of blobs.
You're just a blob.
Oh.
I guess it's a bit insulting.
But then I started calling her blobs after that.
And now it's fucking tattooed on my bloody chest there.
Wait, everything's reversed, so it's this?
Yeah, blobs.
All right.
Could we do a bit where I get every one of your tattoos?
That's a great idea.
That's hilarious, isn't it?
Here's one.
Furry eats shit.
God bless you.
And it's a bunch of posts about a guy named Brown Nose Pup, who is allegedly a shit eater.
Right.
And he says, if this is true, he's a mentally ill guy who likes to eat shit and stuff.
And he's a furry, too.
And he says, they can put me in a hospital and make me take...
What's taking you so fucking long you eat it?
Furry eats shit.
Furry eats shit.
Don't do an accent if you can't even do your fucking job.
So my problem with this is how do I know this is real?
You know.
Things have been rough lately.
I'm going to be okay, but it might take a while.
I hope you're all doing well and staying messy.
Unfortunately, Brown Nose Pup, otherwise known as Eric, has died due to overconsumption of feces and lack of nutrients due to the consumption of feces and died of the shock of eating feces.
He talks about eating poop quite a bit there.
Like, I'm sorry, but I know this is no like Tucker Carlson tonight, but I can't he be treating these stories as real when they're just silly things and with no news.
Like when you look up whatever his name was, Furry Brown Nose, and the news, nothing comes up.
So sorry.
I need a real news story to make it real.
White comedians in all black face, white comedian in all black audience, listen to them cackling insanely loud, says a guy.
So I've been through all these, Ryan, particularly for this show when we found out we couldn't do calls.
So you're going to have to do a lot of hopping and be on the ball.
Here are you, buddy.
You brought nuggets to the show.
That's a bold move.
Like that.
See some good Tahir man thigh up front.
Nice.
You're confident, man.
Because you wear tight clothes and you're big, you know?
Tahir's clothes look like the net on a ham.
You can tell this guy's going to love black clubs.
You know who else is like this?
Josh Denny.
Josh Denny cut his chops at black clubs.
I was supposed to be on earlier in the show, but they have to wait till the sun goes down so that I don't get washed out on camera.
So we need a little contrast.
You may not remember me, but about a half an hour ago, Jonathan, a legend, didn't know I was on the show.
I was the white guy in the crowd that he referred to.
You know what I mean, white guy?
We met 15 minutes before that.
And I know you didn't confuse me with anyone else here.
Wow.
Quality.
And then you gave me permission to say the N-word, which you got to have context for that, you know?
My last name is Nickerson.
I've always had a delicate relationship with that word.
You find me a more important K in history.
You got to land that.
Okay, Davin Comp troller.
Okay, this is becoming one of my top pet peeves.
It is surpassing my biggest pet peeve, which is people putting the dollar sign after the number.
This is becoming relatively common, and I'm freaking out.
I see it as like a sign of the apocalypse, and I'm not exaggerating.
If you don't even know, I've even had fucking idiots, and I got to say, proud boys do this a lot, go, well, no, it is on the other side.
Look, $16, dollars a second.
I don't care how you fucking say it.
That's not how rules are born.
You may have an argument for why you want to do it wrong.
It's still wrong.
So ever since I've explained to people that CompTroller is pronounced controller, I've had people going, no, it's not, including controllers.
Hey, Gavin, you've mentioned this.
You've mentioned this a few times.
I recently made an issue about CompTroller.
Now, I'm mispronouncing this so you can see that there's different spellings here.
You made an issue about Comptroller versus Controller.
Basically, they are the same position, but Comptroller generally works in public and non-profit sector, while controller is everything else.
So the guy who was running for Comptroller was correct with his title since it was a governmental position.
I've been a controller for many companies for several years, so your complaining has been uniquely annoying to me.
Anyway, I've included some references below so you won't think I'm another ignorant millennial who makes stuff up in their heads.
Cough, Ryan.
I like you more than a friend.
So I don't know.
I guess my response doesn't show up on your shit, right?
Oh, it does?
Comptroller.
How to pronounce Comptroller noun in American English?
Let's click on the American English.
Controller.
You don't say.
Controller.
I sent him two examples of that.
Do you have the other one there, just in case?
Controller.
Controller.
This guy's a controller, and he's telling me how to pronounce his own fucking job.
That's like Ryan telling you how to pronounce faggot.
Wait.
Thank you.
So now we're all the way down to car fight.
I'm surpassing like a hundred shitty emails to bring you here.
Car fight.
Hey, Ansem, an Asian laugh track.
Tis the season.
It's time for some new car fights.
Do you prefer summer or winter car fights?
Great question.
In the winter, the ice usually gets more cars involved once everything gets moving, but I prefer summer because the conditions are more suitable to get traction for better hits.
And there's usually people outside waiting to add that extra level of danger of a person getting yeeted.
Car wrestling is definitely black privilege.
If it were white people doing this, there would be legislation to ban cars tomorrow.
Yes, I'm with you on summer cars.
Wow.
Excuse me.
What's with the screaming?
I don't know.
Did a baby die?
Now, here's what's dangerous about this.
Stop.
What if the car rolls now?
Oh, wow.
And you're still there and it rolls a little extra and snaps your back.
True that, dog.
But let's see the whole thing.
You started it too soon with that really annoying burp.
Why are you drinking?
Stop, stop, stop.
Why are you drinking carbonated beverages on air?
Thirsty.
What kind of fucking moron does a show with a microphone in his face and drinks carbonated beverages?
You do that.
Budweiser.
Besides that.
On the green screen, it's very present.
I don't know why, but more on the green screen, you'll be like, and that's why the things happen.
You're not allowed to do it, only me.
Yeah, and so she eventually gets out.
Oh, shit.
These are people who don't have enough money for Censore.tv, yet they're just riding off their car, which is probably only worth like three grand.
See, this goes back to what I was saying on Tuesday about that stray tire.
You got to watch it with touching things with a tire because it ramps you up.
Like, I was in a car accident with David Cross once, and he hit another car sideways, and his car, their tire popped them up in the sky, and their back wheel hit my back window.
I was a passenger in the back.
And their back wheel hit our window and shattered it.
Like, it pops you up.
Then he just goes home.
Next, we're going way, way down to...
Oh, there's another one there.
Oh, no.
There is?
He just linked it twice.
Can't get mad at anyone.
Oh, wait.
No, here's the second angle.
Sorry.
Oh, cool.
He ran before.
This is how it started.
Is that even the enemy's car?
Yeah, good point.
Wait, that's it?
Yep.
Can't get mad anymore, period.
I can only laugh.
Sup, G-Dog and Anime Fag.
Before articles like this would get my blood boiling.
Now I can only laugh at the new quote-unquote racism and use it to red pill friends and family.
I think showing articles like this to people left of center, asking them if they think this is serious in any way, might help change a few minds.
White supremacy colors everything.
Tattoo artists of color battle narrative that ideal skin for tattoos is white.
Yeah, obviously ideal skin for tattoos is not white, which is why when people are drawing or writing letters, they use dark brown paper.
Correct.
That's why white paper is almost impossible to find.
Nobody draws on white paper.
And you'll notice grocery stores are always out of dark brown paper bags because artists Take them to draw on them.
You can see things on dark brown much better than on white.
I don't know.
Contrast is racist now?
Okay.
Also, a bonus article.
I can't read about restaurants in the Seattle area without coming across articles like this.
Last December, I was trying to find a place to eat downtown and thought I could only rely on a website dedicated to helping find something.
But instead, the front page was this.
Christina Glinoga is reimagining butchery, leaving white male toxicity behind.
Oi, Vei.
Big Ed's bigger picture.
How did you miss this glaring issue with Big Ed and his girlfriend?
Yes, he's manipulative and full of shit, but so is she.
He's talking about the new girl, Liz.
You kept asking, what's in it for her?
Money, money, and money.
Think about what he says.
I wanted to give her the things she never had.
Don't be blinded by your belief in classic misogyny.
This dude is smart, and he is around good-looking girls all day.
He wants young, good-looking pussy.
And there are plenty of girls out there willing to give it up for the right style of living and allowance.
He doesn't have any fucking money.
Have you seen his car?
Have you seen his house?
And secondly, I've read this letter already.
What are you looking up?
Oh.
This is major tea.
Two days ago, she came out saying she drops tea on him.
I don't know.
Just B-roll.
She drops tea?
Yeah.
What's tea?
Tea is like gossip.
Well, what's the gossip?
Girl, he asked.
Why does that not surprise me?
He went through every single female.
Was that height ratio true?
Did you see that?
By every single girl.
Not Liz Wright out of Snow White.
He asked.
She's got to be on a ledge.
Why does that not surprise me?
Stop.
No, he's sitting down at a table.
Oh, thank God.
Yes.
Wow.
He went through every single female at my job asking if they would date with him on the show.
And they all said no.
So then he asked Liz as his very last resort, and she actually initially said no.
So last resort, me, he asked me, and for two months, I also said no.
Then she realized that he preys on the needy and those that desire to become famous, and she preys on dudes with cash.
When he fails to find the girl that fits the girlfriend position, he gets quote-unquote sugar babies, which are like longer-term prostitutes.
Whether it's a sugar baby or a young girl in the girlfriend posit, it's the same bullshit.
She's sad she has to go back to working at Applebee's 38 hours a week.
Everybody seems to feel bad for her, but the way I see it, they're more alike than most want to admit.
She doesn't like him.
She didn't love him.
She liked what he can do for her.
And that is why that bullfrog was boyfriend material.
If he was broke, she never, and I mean never, would have given him the time of day.
He is broke.
Welcome to the real world, boys, where toads and nerds can steal your girl and dick her down on the beach in Cabo because he bought her an escalade.
He's not buying anyone an escalade.
He drives around in like a little novelty mini.
Also, I don't know what it is about her, but I found her extremely attractive, like that right kind of imperfect perfect.
Yes, thank you for concluding with that because she's a five or when she gets done up like a seven, but the sex appeal is through the roof.
I cannot figure it out.
It's like Katy Perry.
Stunning.
An 8.8.
Nothing happening here.
Could you have a worse hairdo for when your head is a cone?
Like, shouldn't you be trying to counteract the cone?
And why don't you have a big beard?
I don't know.
This is a female with the sprinkles.
I totally enjoy your show and love you.
I'm a 60-year-old, retired USAF mom, raised three boys.
I love your advice for young men to get married and raise kids.
Having an intact family will make any boy into a man.
Thank you, my dear.
I couldn't agree more.
Although I could do without some of your sexually explicit jokes and stop picking on Ryan, I cannot help either of those things.
I think my Scottish background is like every time I go into Scotland, it's raunchville.
And everyone's doing like Hitler jokes and racist jokes and fucking inappropriate jokes.
I've watched this clip.
I disagree with you, but go ahead.
Let me ask you about foreign bodies.
You just filmed that in Malaysia.
Were you filming in Malaysia?
Yeah, so this is Tom Basdin, who's a wonderful stand-up and writer as well.
He wrote Plebs.
He's done a new show for E4 here, and then I think it's TNT in the States.
And it's all about a group of Gaffier students.
So I was like a sort of weirdo they came across in their trip.
No, we're not even watching it.
She goes on and says that she can't handle the heat because she's Irish and she was always sweaty.
Sorry, no sprinkles.
Once again, like, you want to know who has...
Let me just tell you my standard for sprinkles.
You know what we do in the shadows?
The cast for that includes that Greek woman whose name is The Bald Eagle.
Natasia Demetrio.
D-E-M-E-T-R-I-O-U.
She's the most beautiful woman in the world, but she's also the queen of sprinkles.
And if you just put her name into videos and look at her like anywhere, even when she's not doing jokes, you're just like, you are just so easy to make me laugh.
That's not very good grammar, is it?
Okay, that's just on a game show.
Look at her, like, she has her own channel with sketches and stuff.
Look up Sexy American Girls People Time.
This is her doing, her and her friend pretending to be Russians who love America but have never been.
My pussy is a petropump, feeling greasy baby oil.
Grown-up oil, put it on my body, worth so much money.
Please, first, can we get to know the sweet babies behind the music?
Please.
Of course you can, as you are so nicely, you fucking cheeky devil.
My name is.
You fucking cheeky devil.
Anyway, she's great and she's worth.
We've talked about her before, though.
She's my...
I can't wait for my wife to die in a plane crash so I can start courting her.
How's it going, Gavin and Ryan.
I love the show and the way you're fair to every race when they act stupid.
Here's a short TikTok of a large woman wearing a nightgown standing backward on the plane due to a Brazilian butt lift.
I'd be livid if I had the next seat.
This is called air travel nonsense.
And I just don't get.
I heard you can't sit on your ass for six months after you get a butt lift.
Air travel nonsense?
Not seen or let's see.
One word, air travel.
Got it.
Open the doshmo.
Waiting, waiting, killing the show.
This is a Joe Biden length pause.
What are you doing there?
What?
You know, my wife once convinced my kids that I got a Brazilian butt lift.
Wow.
It was about two years ago.
So my eldest girl would be 12 and then 10 and then 6.
And they go, where's, I was in LA.
I can't remember where.
It was like a four-day business trip.
And they go, where's dad?
I think it's stupid, but he's getting a Brazilian butt lift.
What?
Yeah, he says he needs it.
I don't know.
He says it's for work.
He should get one.
I don't know.
So he'll be back, and he's going to probably be in bed for a few days recovering after he comes back.
And they're like, wow.
And I'm like, don't blobs.
Don't fucking do that.
What if they tell their friends?
Now it's harder for me to erase the rumor than for you to create it in the first place.
Next thing you know, all the local dads think I got a butt lift.
It does look better, I guess.
I don't know why you grew dark hairs all over your butt.
What the fuck is that?
Is that a man getting it?
Do certain races of women have black fuzz all over their butt cheeks?
Maybe.
I don't approve.
I was not asked about that.
This is Smoke Show Song Recommendation.
Dear Gavin and Ryan, check out this band's lead singer.
What rating do you give her?
Probably an 8.7.
Music's not amazing, but she is.
Okay.
So we have a look here.
Ryan will probably be catching up within the hour.
Sedona.
Very interesting look, isn't it?
She's a bigger girl.
That's the kind of girl you don't want to fuck in July, but you'd love to fuck in February.
A lot of gal.
No one thinks you're a pussy when you're dating her, right?
Like when you're with a small Asian girl, you're super pretty.
People go, all right, I mean, it's nice that you get to fuck a pretty girl, but no one's impressed and they think you're weak.
But the opposite is true of her.
So what would I give her?
That's tricky.
Let's hear your rating, Ryan.
High sevens, low eights.
Oh.
Okay, I got nervous when you said a S sound.
I thought you were going to go to sixes.
No, that's not realistic.
I'd say 7.2.
We got a.
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