GOML LIVE #91 | YES DAY (Part 1)
After subjecting ourselves to Netflix's "Yes Day" we up the ante with more self abuse including Red, Wine, and Blue as well as closeted gay liberals singing about the vaccine, er, sorry, the "jab."
After subjecting ourselves to Netflix's "Yes Day" we up the ante with more self abuse including Red, Wine, and Blue as well as closeted gay liberals singing about the vaccine, er, sorry, the "jab."
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Live from New York, it's Get Off By Lawn with Devin McKinnis. | |
That was Ignant Benches. | |
Ignant Benches. | |
What song was that? | |
Angry Lizard Noise. | |
That is a band that I don't know much about. | |
I think they're from... They sound a lot like The Strokes. | |
Where are they from? | |
Chula Vista. | |
Where's Chula Vista? | |
California. | |
Formed in 2014. | |
San Diego type of area, I think. | |
But I wanted this different band who, by the way, fucking Ignant Bench is awesome. | |
Great stuff. | |
But I was calling my daughter to get this band Hail Mary she told me about that plays in Tompkins Square Park and they go to LaGuardia High, but I couldn't find them. | |
And then when I call her, it says calling home for like two minutes. | |
Yeah. | |
And then it goes, boop, boop, boop. | |
Wait, I think I found them. | |
No, dumbass, you fucking ignorant loser. | |
They're called Hail Mary. | |
They go to LaGuardia High School, do they, Duncan? | |
I mean, uh, fucking Ryan? | |
Nah, probably not her. | |
No, I don't think that band goes to LaGuardia High. | |
Well, if they do, they have bad intentions. | |
Have I got the... | |
Uh... Web password? | |
Yeah, I got the right web thing. | |
What's going on? | |
Look at that! | |
Since when can you not call someone? | |
This is... This is following a string of being banned in Shadowban. | |
Can you just hit the Detective Shitty, uh, thing, too? | |
Just for a second? | |
I don't see why, but... Yes, please. | |
I'm looking for a band who goes to LaGuardia High here in New York City and you bring up basically my dad and his friends. | |
Welcome back to Get Off My Lawn. | |
We've got an action-packed show for you tonight. | |
We're gonna be taking a lot of calls. | |
Got a few letters. | |
It's mostly gonna be up the cuff. | |
We've been tackling a lot of news this week, and I think it hurts the show sometimes. | |
When you have too many T's to cross, too many I's to dot, you become obsessed. | |
So we just want to relax and have some fun. | |
But part of that fun would be something working. | |
For example, calling your daughter on your fucking phone. | |
Why has it been forwarded? | |
Let me try FaceTime. | |
It's not like she can have a guitar lesson or something. | |
Why don't things work? | |
Maybe she's having a shower. | |
Teenage girls. | |
Hey, what was that band Hail Mary? | |
It's spelled normal like Hello Mary? | |
Yeah, just Hello Mary. | |
And they go to LaGuardia High? | |
LaGuardia, yeah. | |
And they play at Tompkins Square Park all the time? | |
Yeah. | |
Okay, you're my least favorite child. | |
Okay. | |
Could this be them? | |
Yeah, that looks like them. | |
Brooklyn, New York. | |
Yeah, they look like high schoolers. | |
Yeah, Ryan. | |
That's what high schoolers look like. | |
They don't look like giant fat pigs and award-winning fishermen. | |
That band literally look like the guys that John Taffer hires to like recreate the menus. | |
This is Julie. | |
She's a former Hot Topic- Shut it down! | |
Salmonella! | |
She was a former Hot Topic manager. | |
That's why her hair is purple, right? | |
Those girls. | |
You always know that he's fucking them too. | |
You think so? | |
Oh yeah. | |
Like you know that there's that Hotel Rescue show? | |
And the guy's like a short little Italian bald guy. | |
And he's always like, this is my number one girl. | |
She shows me how to revamp a hotel, and she's a genius. | |
And you're like, huh. | |
So you're both single. | |
You're out there in Hawaii revamping a hotel for a week. | |
And you're bald and powerful, which means you want to catch up on the pussy you didn't get when you weren't powerful, because you're bald and short. | |
And she's like, whatever, this could lead to something. | |
This is the guy? | |
I guarantee it won't be, Detective Shitty. | |
Resort Rescue. | |
Not Hail Mary, Hello Mary. | |
I have to just de-old man what you're... Remember the Alexa thing? | |
Okay, while you're gloating about how right you are, it is not called Resort Rescue. | |
Well, Hotel Rescue I'm looking for, and... Maybe Hotel Hell or something? | |
It's a little bald Italian. | |
Yes. | |
He's from New York. | |
He's really... It's a fucking great show. | |
He's really good at his job. | |
And you're watching it going, yeah, you do need to fix the carpets here, motherfucker. | |
Your hotel's disgusting. | |
And you have crackheads fucking each other. | |
He's right, the little bald man. | |
This doesn't look like the show. | |
Before we get started, while you try to find that show, bald guy, Italian, hotel, revamp thing. | |
Definitely Hotel. | |
Hotel Rescue I'm pretty sure it's called. | |
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They will all save you 15%, but most importantly, use the fucking codes so that Tactical Walls knows where their customers are coming from. | |
If they don't attribute the sale to the show, how will they know to keep sponsoring the show? | |
In other words, they will cut us off. | |
If you don't use Gavin or Gavin15 or Ryguy or heels or sunglasses. | |
That's hilarious. | |
It's real simple, guys. | |
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Thanks, Tactical Walls. | |
We like you more than a friend. | |
And again, I use my Tactical Wall shelf. | |
I move a little military vet over and the thing plops down and out comes, in my case, Beer and whiskey. | |
Did you find the show yet? | |
No, I've been showing Tactical Walls. | |
Look at the... What do you think of the brand new bumper? | |
That's a fun bumper! | |
Hey, Tactical Walls! | |
Look at the bumper! | |
I'm gonna go Hotel Rescue Hell. | |
Hotel Hell? | |
No. | |
Hotel Hell is Ramsey. | |
That's Ramsey. | |
So, Hotel Rescue was my original idea. | |
And then I look in the images. | |
There he is. | |
Travel Channels. | |
I got there in one second. | |
Hotel Impossible is the name. | |
Hotel Impossible. | |
And his name is Anthony Melchiorri. | |
And every time you see a woman on that show, you're like, you guys fuck. | |
Oh, I've seen that little guy. | |
I know you fucked. | |
And I think sometimes they fuck the rescue E. Like not Gordon Ramsay, although he was caught cheating on his wife. | |
But like, that guy's there, he's saving the hotel. | |
They're vulnerable. | |
If the wife is single, he's fucking... It's funny, because you watch these shows, and you're like, yeah, obviously. | |
Clean the shit off. | |
There's fucking roaches on the ground. | |
Look how disgusting that is, and how unsafe that is! | |
Look at this carpet. | |
It probably hasn't been vacuumed in 10 years. | |
Look, there's some kind of hair there. | |
Looks like crap on the floor. | |
Look at the wall. | |
Look how filthy the wall is. | |
Look at the screws sticking out. | |
Look at the wall. | |
Look at the screws. | |
The screws. | |
What the hell is that there for? | |
What the hell? | |
What's that, a nail? | |
That is fucked up. | |
A screw sticking out. | |
Look at the screws sticking out of the side. | |
What the hell is that there for? | |
Who's the contractor? | |
Who's the fucking illegal Mexican who screwed in that four-inch screw and just went, it's okay, I'll just leave it like that. | |
It's for good luck. | |
I wasn't paid to fish the outside. | |
But here's the problem with all these rescue shows, and they always are fucked after, by the way. | |
All of these bars, all these restaurants, these hotels they fix, they end up bankrupt like two years after Gordon Ramsay leaves. | |
Two years. | |
Fucking six months. | |
And it's because how'd that place get to that position in the first place? | |
Because the people clearly don't care. | |
So when you're at home and you're like, yeah, why is there a screw sticking out? | |
That's you putting your brain in their head. | |
They're assholes. | |
It's like when you see a bum and you're like, dude, wash dishes. | |
You can get like 60 bucks a day. | |
By the way, I'm promoting our shirts here. | |
When Trump does follow through or doesn't do, would follow through the exact opposite. | |
Biden. | |
And I'm especially proud of these shirts because you see them as someone else sees them and they go, oh, a fellow Biden fan. | |
Awesome. | |
I love Joe Biden too. | |
No, I don't. | |
I hate making fun of him for being a fucking retard. | |
I like that one. | |
Yeah, on first glance they're like, ally. | |
Um, I have something to tell you. | |
Me or the audience? | |
It's very intense. | |
One, my idea was ripped off for Kids Day. | |
Remember I told you about Kids Day? | |
I emailed you this, I believe. | |
Many years ago, I talked about a thing I've been doing for a long time called Kids Day, where I allow kids free reign. | |
Go nuts. | |
It's their rules. | |
It's Lord of the Flies. | |
You want to kill Piggy with the conch shell? | |
Go ahead. | |
Brain him with the rocks. | |
They eat candy all day. | |
They have candy cereal for dinner. | |
They get sick. | |
They puke. | |
They watch movies till around 1 a.m. | |
and then fall asleep on the floor in their pants. | |
They don't even put on their pajamas. | |
They don't brush their teeth. | |
The next day is a write-off. | |
They feel sick. | |
They're exhausted from the night before. | |
And I have to pick up the pieces and show them how stupid it is when I let them handle the show. | |
Right, so that was my idea. | |
Kids Day. | |
Long time ago. | |
And it's an effective way to show kids that their lives would not be better if they were in control. | |
So Hollywood is a bunch of lazy Jewish gays. | |
Just kidding! | |
It's a bunch of lazy Jews. | |
Just kidding! | |
Bunch of lazy gays. | |
Just kidding! | |
It's a bunch of gazy Jews. | |
And they have no ideas. | |
They're not creative people. | |
Everyone in L.A. | |
sucks. | |
Let's cut the shit here, right? | |
They're not good. | |
People in L.A. | |
I'm not saying they're not good people. | |
They're not good. | |
And being good at it, if you will. | |
They just suck. | |
They're fat losers, really, right? | |
Or Tricaster is already overheating 10 minutes into the show. | |
We're getting better equipment, and yes, I'm cheap, and yes, I apologize for that. | |
Anyway, Netflix has a show with Jennifer Garner, Gardner, whatever her name is. | |
She's a very, very attractive woman. | |
Too attractive. | |
Not our cup of tea. | |
You know how we hate hot chicks on this show. | |
She's got cow catcher chin, chiseled features, mile-high cheekbones. | |
That sure is taking you a long time to get ice from the freezer of a fridge that is next to your desk. | |
What's that about? | |
And why is it overheating only when we do the live shows? | |
Because it's now streaming also. | |
Instead of just recording. | |
Did you blast it with some compressed air to get the fuzz out? | |
There's no fuzz. | |
How do you know there's no fuzz? | |
No, you can't. | |
It's inside the machine. | |
Wait, it's done? | |
Yeah. | |
You used up all the compressed air? | |
Yes. | |
Really? | |
Yeah. | |
I find that hard to believe. | |
I did. | |
Okay. | |
Gotta get a bigger can. | |
Anyway, so Netflix has this show out called, it's Kids Day, but it's called Yes Day. | |
And it shows you the quality of programming in America has finally reached Canadian levels. | |
Maybe even European levels. | |
It is physically painful to watch this film. | |
Now, my kids have the same standards as me as far as my 14-year-old and my 12-year-old, but my 8-year-old, he wants to see a silly movie. | |
He likes, you know, silly gamer YouTubers, so the family should take a hit once in a while and watch a movie that he likes. | |
Nickelodeon level shittiness. | |
Stop, stop, stop. | |
But, um, I don't know, there's a lot of shit that he likes, like Japanese cartoons like Totoro that I can totally handle, or Goonies. | |
There's a lot of shit. | |
All the Muppet movies. | |
I can name a thousand things that he likes that I can tolerate. | |
This was fucking... AIDS. | |
Oh my god. | |
I don't know if you have a dick as big as mine, but sometimes when I have sex with women, they will have to do breathing exercises. | |
Like they're giving birth. | |
I was literally doing breathing exercises. | |
It's like I was getting fucked by me. | |
Like I was listening, the movie was there and I don't want my son to see me, my youngest boy, because I don't want to shit on something. | |
Because of course if I go, this sucks, it's so corny, he's going to want to be cool, right? | |
And be like, yeah, totally blows, man. | |
I hate the thing that you guys hate. | |
I don't like this. | |
I'm not the only loser in the family. | |
So you can't do that. | |
But I had to sit there and go about 10 times. | |
I felt pressure on my chest. | |
I felt physical pressure on my chest. | |
It felt like sparring. | |
Or you know after you have a big long cry, like say your Nana dies, and afterwards your eyes feel kind of salty and you feel this sort of like catharsis in your chest? | |
That's how I felt after. | |
Like I felt I had been through the ringer. | |
I felt like I had been through something traumatic and intense. | |
It's so fucking, and I'm reluctant to use the word gay, because it's way beyond gay. | |
It's so shitty, and derivative, and corny, and badly acted. | |
As my daughter pointed out, she goes, there was just no love in it. | |
That's what my friend, my brother said about my mom's cooking. | |
One particularly bad night, where she had maybe a few too many wines, and the dinner was inedible. | |
And my brother goes, it's just, there's no love in it. | |
There's no love in this food. | |
It's just like churned out. | |
And this movie, it hits all the things. | |
It's like someone held a gun to someone's head and said, make Gavin's Kids Day a movie, but make the husband Hispanic so we can cross off the diversity thing. | |
And then just make it all about how kids rock. | |
The only way I survived this film was to mentally go, wait a minute. | |
This is what America is. | |
We gave them Kids Day. | |
They wanted socialism, we gave them socialism. | |
They want anyone but Trump, we gave them anyone but Trump. | |
They want to defund the police, we defunded the police. | |
Essentially what we're living in right now is Kids Day. | |
It is a disaster. | |
And it is a disaster. | |
Alright, play I guess the trailer. | |
If there's one thing I've learned from being a mom, it's that parents and kids always disagree on one thing. | |
No, no, no! | |
Rules. | |
Let's say no 50 times an hour. | |
This is actually good. | |
No, absolutely not! | |
Nope on a rope. | |
It's part of the job. | |
No, no, no! | |
But all of that is about to change. | |
Wait, there was a bestseller? | |
Parents say yes to everything their kids ask for for 24 hours. | |
Radical! | |
Someone stole a bestseller from me? | |
And mom and dad are like fun killers. | |
We are plenty fun. | |
We are plenty fun. | |
We used to say yes to everything. | |
We can be fun again. | |
Really? | |
Let's do this! | |
Arriba! | |
It's Mexican. | |
It's yes day! | |
Who's ready for yes day? | |
Ellie wants to do your hair and makeup. | |
I have a vision. | |
Okay, this trailer's really good. | |
I'm glad you're using your watercolors. | |
In the car wash. | |
- In the car wash. | |
What? | |
What? | |
Why? | |
And by the way, the kids have all arranged for everyone to have a change of clothes. | |
Oh, and this, the water balloon scene? | |
They tricked everyone by saying on a Craigslist ad that there's gonna be this water balloon reality show that's gonna be super sexy. | |
So they got everyone to come out. | |
Why they all have their own uniforms, I don't know. | |
And the guy with the shitty teeth, I kept staring at him going, I feel like I know you. | |
And then I realized, I know you. | |
It's Dave English from Jackass. | |
That's why his teeth are so shitty. | |
It's the only time you see shitty teeth in a Hollywood movie. | |
movie go back a bit. | |
There. | |
That's the jackass, dude. | |
It's not. | |
No, no, no. | |
I know who you're talking about. | |
Dave England? | |
Oh, am I wrong? | |
Yeah, no, he's a bad teeth guy in a lot of different things. | |
That's embarrassing, because when I brought it up with my family, everyone went, oh yeah! | |
He was very similar. | |
You're so smart, Gavin! | |
Nailed it again! | |
He's very similar looking. | |
It's not Dave England, you're right. | |
But that looks, I mean, definitely a dead ringer, but... So who's that guy? | |
And what is with his teeth? | |
He's been in some commercials and shit, he's got terrible teeth. | |
Not that I give a shit, I don't think you should fix your teeth, but it's just alarming when you're the only one who doesn't. | |
What's his name? | |
Nat Faxon. | |
Oof. | |
Yeah, oh he's the Diary of a- oh no, so he's the Captain Underpants guy. | |
Nat Faxon. | |
I gotta kinda hand it to him, it is kinda cool to keep your shitty teeth. | |
Yeah. | |
They are alarming though. | |
Aren't they? | |
Yes. | |
As a man with perfect teeth, I shun this man. | |
Yeah, they're not even close to as bad as yours. | |
The rest of them is handsome. | |
Breathtaking. | |
Well. | |
Anyway, I like to request shitty movies like, uh, Doorman. | |
I think you should watch The Doorman with your friends. | |
Do not watch this. | |
You cannot handle it. | |
I can't handle it. | |
I'm still kind of shaking. | |
That makes you want to- Oh, whomp! | |
I hit my nuts! | |
He's like a narco. | |
And then he fell, like, look how far he just fell. | |
That's a bunk bed. | |
Is that Mark Ruffalo? | |
He's a knockoff, okay. | |
No. | |
Wait, stop. | |
Is that Mark Ruffalo? | |
I actually haven't been looking at the screen. | |
I've been looking for Davey. | |
You gotta play the detective shitty thing. | |
Okay, but look at him. | |
This is a terrible Netflix straight-to-video, as it were. | |
And the guy who plays the Hulk, maybe not. | |
Would not be one of the most successful actors in the world would probably not be the guy we're looking for. | |
Okay. | |
Not the droids we're looking for. | |
Holy shit though, it was grim! | |
I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm a party pooper. | |
I hate to be a party pooper. | |
And then they had a little, weird little Peruvian. | |
I like with all these mixed race couples now, they just, for the kids, they just get any mixed race kids. | |
So they'll have like a mulatto, a fucking Peruvian. | |
Just not white. | |
Just a Korean. | |
That scene made no sense. | |
She gets arrested for this and goes to prison. | |
Stand still please. | |
Oh. | |
Oh, could I do that again? | |
Oh, God, it was torture. | |
Torture. | |
Is that Oprah? | |
Wait. | |
No. | |
Wait, look. | |
Can you hit the Detective Shitty thing again? | |
Yes, I will, I will. | |
But wait. | |
It's a 19-year-old girl. | |
Oh. | |
I mean, they play that shit so fast you would think that's Oprah. | |
No, well, if you're Detective Shitty, yeah, sure. | |
So can you click the Detective Shitty, please? | |
Wait, we're not seeing it. | |
We're just hearing shit sounds. | |
We'll play it again. | |
Hope you don't have anything private on your desktop. | |
I don't think so. | |
JohnnyAppleCBD, support our Day 1 sponsor. | |
These guys have been with us since Day 1. | |
By the way, to get back to Tactical Walls, if you guys are watching, can you build me my Maker's Mark thing? | |
Tactical walls, I'll pay for it by the way, I don't want a freebie. | |
But I want an upside down bottle of Makers Mark where you have your shot glass and you push up just like in any bar, actually any fancy bar. | |
In Manhattan they're so worried about waiters and waitresses ripping you off that they have the thing, I mean ripping off the bar owner, where you push up on the glass, it takes out an ounce and then nothing else comes out. | |
So I want that. | |
I'm not even sure how you do this. | |
I get a shot and then I can't get back in for another hour. | |
So I can do a shot an hour at the most. | |
And maybe there's a limit where I get three shots a night. | |
Because I can't handle my liquor. | |
I'm remembering from pre-Lent days. | |
But I also don't want to say no to Maker's Mark. | |
So there must be a way where you can delegate it and then you can't get any more. | |
Anyway, back to our first sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD. | |
This episode is brought to you by our proud sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD. | |
I love Johnny Apple CBD and I appreciate their dedication to this show. | |
By the way, I had a new customer, a close friend, say he tried the topical after sore muscles and it worked and he was totally skeptical. | |
That's the topicals right there. | |
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Buy the gummies. | |
Chew on those before you go to sleep. | |
Mellow out. | |
Get a tincture. | |
Drop that in your coffee. | |
Take the edge off. | |
Treat yourself. | |
Support these guys. | |
They support us. | |
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We know times are tough. | |
God bless, JohnnyAppleCBD. | |
God bless America. | |
Thanks, JohnnyAppleCBD. | |
We like you more than a friend. | |
Again, to the guy who writes the ad copy, in the year 2021, you do not need to write out www dot. | |
That has been superfluous I would say since 1999? | |
What do you think Ryan? | |
I wouldn't shop for compressed air while we're doing a show. | |
About that. | |
That would be maybe something you write a note to do later and not while we're fucking live. | |
Well it's done so... | |
Also in the news, I was having a discussion with my wife this morning, and I thought the kids were gone. | |
They weren't in the house. | |
I was wrong. | |
And we invest in commercial real estate occasionally. | |
And we were talking about some renovations to a property that were getting so expensive, we're like, is this gonna make the money back? | |
I mean, if you put in five grand into painting and getting new shelves and shit, you're gonna make 20 grand in the resale. | |
If you spend $500,000 making everything gold-plated, you might even hurt the property because people go, I don't know, they have gold shelves. | |
This isn't my cup of tea. | |
We just want it as an office space. | |
So we're talking about that sort of a region. | |
And I go, I don't know, this is not really my thing. | |
I like the big stuff. | |
As far as cosmetics, that's you. | |
And she's like, well, wait, come here, come here. | |
She keeps telling me to come back into the room. | |
And I'm like, OK, well, can you call him and see if there's a cheaper version, a vinyl version? | |
OK, I will. | |
And I go, all right, then fine. | |
I mean, I just think our budget should have been this and now we're at that. | |
But whatever you think. | |
And I start leaving. | |
He goes, wait, come in. | |
We're not done. | |
Get in here. | |
Do you want to blow me, I'm thinking? | |
Right, right. | |
This bitch wants to fucking smoke the hog. | |
Which does not happen, by the way. | |
And I don't just mean my wife. | |
I mean married couples. | |
Your wife isn't constantly drooling, thinking about blowing you. | |
We're constantly drooling, thinking about eating out our wives. | |
Like fucking, what's his name? | |
Fred from Brooklyn at Kumia's party. | |
He goes, been married 30 years. | |
I'd like to eat her out right now. | |
And he, they married late. | |
So they were basically 60. | |
Married at 30. | |
Actually, that's earlier than I married my wife. | |
So I'm thinking like, I think there's a, and then this is what gets weird with your brain and all men's brains are like this. | |
Our dick starts going, no, no, no. | |
You got something here, my friend. | |
She's dying to blow you. | |
That's why she keeps inviting you back in the room. | |
And you're like, I know, right? | |
Cause I thought that was weird. | |
I don't usually handle cosmetics and like kitchens and shelving and, and you know, carpets and stuff. | |
I just buy the property, sell the property. | |
Why are we spending so much time on aesthetics? | |
Unless. | |
Homeboy's gonna like, get it. | |
Unless homeboy's gonna like, get it. | |
So then I take it away from the front room and into the living room. | |
And then I, my dick got me even crazier and I've done this before and the response when I did this last time was like crying. | |
Uh oh. | |
This was like 20 years ago. | |
But for some reason this It's ironic that he's not the asshole because he's the asshole. | |
The front part goes, just like sit down, maybe like pull it out. | |
And I was smart enough to know that doesn't work because of the tears 20 years ago. | |
But I'm just like, So now we're in the living room, and she keeps wanting to talk about these renovations. | |
And she's wearing, like she just worked out on her peloton, so she's got her hair up, she's got Lululemons on, which is normally not, like, very presentable. | |
Not that us men give a shit. | |
So then I go, I tried this. | |
We've all been there, married men. | |
I go, you wanna come here? | |
And she goes, what? | |
I didn't mention blowjobs, because that's a stretch. | |
Usually you just like, if intercourse is possible, you're probably going to get a beach. | |
So I go, do you want to get over here? | |
Do you want to come here? | |
She goes, what? | |
I got to walk the dog. | |
And she pointed out my, our daughter's upstairs. | |
I didn't realize she was upstairs. | |
I thought, see, that's how brainwashed I was. | |
I thought that the reason you were flirting is because it was one of those rare instances where there was no kids in the house. | |
She goes, I have to walk the dog. | |
I got to go pick up our youngest boy. | |
What are you talking about? | |
And then I realized there was not a snowball's chance in the house that I was going to get a BJ. | |
It was not. | |
I will eat your ass. | |
No one was remotely considering it. | |
No way, Jose. | |
Not a possibility. | |
What the fuck was I thinking? | |
And it reminded me of that chick who I think may have the sprinkles, one of the few funny people in the world, in the movie 22 Jump Street, which I think is the sequel to 21 Jump Street, which sucks as a movie. | |
It's all gay jokes. | |
It's all like fucking, yeah, you big fag, you probably want to fuck me, which is how us dudes talk to each other and it's fun when we're talking to each other. | |
Yeah, you're dying to blow me, dude. | |
I don't want to fuck you so bad. | |
But outside of like the individuals doing that joke, it's not really something you want to like pay money for and get popcorn and watch two guys doing gay jokes to each other. | |
Which is 99% of 22 Jump Street. | |
But at the end of the movie, Jonah Hill catches whatever her name is, and Jillian something? | |
Do you know her name? | |
It's about right. | |
Oh, you texted it to me. | |
Uh, what, it's on your watch? | |
My texts are on your watch? | |
Yes. | |
That's not right. | |
Jillian Bell. | |
Jillian Bell. | |
That's morally wrong that you're checking my texts on your watch. | |
But anyway. | |
2000 whatever it is. | |
Jillian Bell is a drug dealer at a college and Jonah Hill is an undercover cop and he catches her and he's chasing her to beat her up and arrest her, whatever. | |
Chasing her to beat her up. | |
And as he's chasing her, she keeps stopping the fight and saying, are we doing this right now? | |
Are we fucking? | |
And I thought, that's so much of my sex life, not just with my wife, but before I was married, how I'd be like, I think this is about to go down. | |
And I was 90% of the time wrong. | |
It's quiet. | |
Yeah, no, it's quiet for him. | |
It's 90% quiet. | |
When I thought it was going down. | |
But let's roll the clip. | |
You were like you were sitting on a shelf. | |
Like nobody was smashing your button. | |
No one was smashing the subscribe button. | |
No. | |
My cock was not fire. | |
The bell was not hit. | |
Like nobody want that shit. | |
That shit new. | |
Get up, Old Man River! | |
Come on! | |
Get up and hit me, you fucking pussy! | |
I'm not gonna fight a girl, so just stop! | |
It shouldn't matter. | |
If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman, you would hit me and not feel bad about it. | |
Oh, God. | |
Bring it! | |
I'm ready. | |
It's on now, dog. | |
Girl fight. | |
Oh, my God. | |
Ow. | |
Is there blood in my eye? | |
Oh, my God. | |
Are you all right? | |
There's blood in my eye. | |
- I'm gonna fucking learn how to hit! | |
That's a little better! | |
That's a little better, my sister! - This is the best part of the movie. | |
No! | |
What? | |
No! | |
What were you doing? | |
What am I doing? | |
Why did you try to kiss me? | |
I didn't fucking try to kiss you! | |
Yes, you did! | |
Ooh, you're so weird! | |
You're fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smithing me! | |
I'm not Mr. and Mrs. Smithing you! | |
This wasn't a sexy fight! | |
Oh, like you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time! | |
I never once wanted to kiss you! | |
Never! | |
No! | |
You just didn't! | |
Stop! | |
You're making a face that is sexy to me! | |
See, this was me this morning with my wife. | |
No! | |
Stop trying! | |
You keep trying! | |
I've never tried to kiss you! | |
You gave me kiss me eyes! | |
No I didn't! | |
The eyes were eyes! | |
I just got punched in the face eyes! | |
They weren't kiss me eyes! | |
I don't even like you! | |
Neither do I! | |
So stop kissing me! | |
Okay! | |
No, you're leaning in again! | |
No, we were gonna punch your calves! | |
You're making us so uncomfortable. | |
This is the most uncomfortable fist fight I've ever been in. | |
I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face, okay? | |
And then we're gonna go back to fighting and we'll pretend this never happened. | |
- Fuck! | |
Are you kidding me? | |
It's plastic. | |
It doesn't even hurt! | |
This isn't the spring break you imagined! | |
How about this? | |
You want a little fun? | |
What is that?! | |
Get wet, baby! | |
There's so much lube in my face! | |
Pretty good, eh? | |
Yeah, she's funny. | |
For such a shitty movie. | |
She may have the magic. | |
Oh, here we go again. | |
Violence! | |
It's only unless you're gonna fuck me! | |
I'm not gonna fuck you! | |
Are we gonna fuck? | |
No, we're not! | |
Is that what's happening? | |
I'm not gonna fuck you! | |
Get off! | |
That was it. | |
Are we gonna fuck? | |
Is that what's happening right now? | |
That was my morning. | |
And it was not happening. | |
You're ding dong in two pieces! | |
Oh, I want you to hit me so bad right now! | |
Just f***ing hit me! | |
Get out of here, you pussy! | |
Yes, ma'am. | |
Here. | |
Yes, yes, ma'am! | |
That's girls that protest. | |
Just hit me! | |
Yeah, that's a real trend now. | |
Yeah. | |
Like that's a joke and it's funny. | |
It may actually be a parody of this pattern, but there's these girls out now that are like writing fucking Yelp reviews. | |
Fuck this place! | |
This is for fucking Nazis! | |
And they're going up to people, men on the street. | |
You're a fucking fascist! | |
Me, I'm talking about mostly. | |
But it reminds me of Nicole Dufresne, D-U-F-R-E-S-N-E, where she was getting robbed by Rudy. | |
She was a woman I knew at Max Fish in the early aughts. | |
She was getting robbed by Rudy Fleming, a Puerto Rican who took his uncle's handgun to go out robbing one night. | |
And he goes, just give me your money. | |
Which you should. | |
And she goes, what the fuck are you going to do? | |
Shoot me? | |
And laughed in his face. | |
She was kind of the beginning. | |
This is a 20 year old phenomenon. | |
She was the beginning of these chicks are like, fuck you, bitch. | |
I'll kick your ass. | |
Cause they watch movies, I guess. | |
And he shot her through the chest. | |
That was him complaining that he had a stomach ache when he was arrested. | |
I think he's out of jail by now. | |
But I feel like saying to these girls, yes, you are cunts, and it is annoying, but I'm not going to shoot you through the chest. | |
I'm just going to roll my eyes and think you have a bad father. | |
But you keep up this shitty attitude, and you get robbed, and someone's going to die, and it's going to be you. | |
All right. | |
That's enough chattering for free. | |
We thank TacticalWalls.com, we thank JACBD.com, Johnny Appleseed, but we have to go behind the paywall now. | |
So before I bid you to do, without further ado, Oh wait, I just said it correctly by accident. | |
That's the problem with doing joke things. | |
Like for all, we used to say if it's any constellation and then I would forget what the real one is and then I would make fun of for any constellation and say for any constellation mocking the real one but then I had two negatives make a positive and I was back to the real one. | |
Anyway. | |
Without further to do, we must bid adieu to you and say get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting. |