Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - GOML LIVE #91 | YES DAY (Part 1)
Aired: 2021-03-25
Duration: 36:27


=== Looking for Hail Mary (04:19) ===

[00:00:41]  That was Ignant Benches.
[00:00:45]  Ignant Benches.
[00:00:46]  What song was that?
[00:00:47]  Angry Lizard Noise.
[00:00:49]  that is a band that i uh don't know much about i think they're from they sound a lot like the strokes um Where are they from?
[00:00:57]  Chulla Vista.
[00:01:00]  Where's Chala Vista?
[00:01:01]  California.
[00:01:02]  Formed in 2014, San Diego type of area, I think.
[00:01:07]  But I wanted this different band.
[00:01:09]  By the way, fucking Ignant Benches.
[00:01:12]  Awesome.
[00:01:13]  Great stuff.
[00:01:14]  But I was calling my daughter to get this band, HAIL MARY.
[00:01:17]  She told me about that plays in Tompkins Square Park and they go to LaGuardia HIGH, but I couldn't find them.
[00:01:23]  And then when I call her, it says calling home for like two minutes yeah, and then it goes, boop boop, boop.
[00:01:32]  Wait, I think I found them.
[00:01:33]  No dumbass, you fucking ignorant loser.
[00:01:36]  They're called HAIL MARY.
[00:01:37]  They go to LaGuardia high school, do they Duncan?
[00:01:40]  I mean Uh, fucking Ryan.
[00:01:42]  No, probably not her.
[00:01:45]  No, I don't think that band goes to LaGuardia high.
[00:01:49]  Well, if they do, they have bad intentions.
[00:01:51]  Have I got the the, the uh web password?
[00:01:57]  Yeah, I got the right web thing.
[00:01:59]  What's going on?
[00:02:00]  Look at that.
[00:02:01]  Since when can you not call someone?
[00:02:05]  This is, this is following a string of being banned.
[00:02:10]  You just hit the detective shitty uh thing too, just for a second, and I don't see why.
[00:02:15]  But yes please, I'm looking for a band who goes to LaGuardia HIGH here in New York City and you bring up basically my dad and his friends.
[00:02:28]  Welcome back to get off my lawn.
[00:02:29]  We've got an action-packed show for you tonight.
[00:02:32]  We're gonna be taking a lot of calls, got a few letters.
[00:02:35]  It's mostly gonna be up the cuff.
[00:02:37]  We've been uh tackling a lot of news this week and I think it hurts the show.
[00:02:42]  Sometimes, when you have too many t's to cross, too many i's to dot, you become obsessed.
[00:02:49]  Um, so we just want to relax and have some fun, but part of that fun would be something working, for example, calling your daughter on your fucking phone.
[00:03:02]  why has it been forwarded let me try face time it's not like she can have a guitar lesson or something Why don't things work?
[00:03:18]  Maybe she's having a shower, maybe teenage girls, what's up?
[00:03:23]  Hey, what was that band?
[00:03:24]  HAIL MARY, Hello Mary.
[00:03:28]  It's spelled normal like hello Mary yeah, just Hello Mary.
[00:03:33]  And they go to Lagordia HIGH yeah, and they play at Tompkins Square Park all the time.
[00:03:39]  Yeah okay, you're limit, you're my least favorite child okay, could this be them?
[00:03:50]  Yeah, that looks like them.
[00:03:53]  Brooklyn, New York.
[00:03:54]  Yeah, they look like high schoolers.
[00:03:56]  Yeah, Ryan, that's what high schoolers look like.
[00:03:58]  They don't look like giant fat pigs and award-winning fishermen.
[00:04:03]  That band literally looked like the guys that John Taffer hires to recreate the menus.
[00:04:07]  Yeah.
[00:04:07]  This is Julie.
[00:04:08]  She's a former hot top hound.
[00:04:10]  Salmonella.
[00:04:11]  She was a former hot topic manager.
[00:04:14]  That's why her hair is purple, right?
[00:04:17]  Those girls.
[00:04:18]  You always know that he's fucking them, too.
[00:04:21]  You think so?
[00:04:21]  Oh, yeah.
[00:04:22]  Like, you know that there's that hotel rescue show?
[00:04:25]  And the guy's like a short little Italian, bald guy.
[00:04:28]  And he's always like, this is my number one girl.
[00:04:30]  She shows me how to revamp a hotel and she's a genius.
[00:04:34]  And you're like, huh.
[00:04:36]  So you're both single.
[00:04:38]  You're out there in Hawaii revamping a hotel for a week.
[00:04:42]  And you're bald and powerful, which means you want to catch up on the pussy you didn't get when you weren't powerful because you're bald and short.

=== Hotel Hell (13:06) ===

[00:04:51]  And she's like, whatever, this could lead to something.
[00:04:55]  This is the guy.
[00:04:56]  I guarantee it won't be Detective Shitty.
[00:04:59]  Resort Rescue.
[00:05:00]  Not Hail Mary.
[00:05:01]  Hello, Mary.
[00:05:01]  I have to just de-old man what you remember the electricity.
[00:05:05]  While you're gloating about how right you are, it is not called Resort Rescue.
[00:05:09]  Well, Hotel Rescue I'm looking for.
[00:05:12]  Or maybe Hotel Hell or something.
[00:05:14]  It's a little bald Italian.
[00:05:16]  Yes.
[00:05:17]  He's from New York.
[00:05:18]  He's really, it's a fucking great show.
[00:05:21]  He's really good at his job.
[00:05:24]  And you're watching it going, yeah, you do need to fix the carpets here, motherfucker.
[00:05:30]  Your hotel's disgusting.
[00:05:32]  And you have crackheads fucking each other.
[00:05:35]  He's right, the little bald man.
[00:05:37]  I'm head chef.
[00:05:38]  Come here.
[00:05:38]  Way too much olive oil on him.
[00:05:39]  They turn it back.
[00:05:40]  Well, we're just going to go to the show.
[00:05:44]  Before we get started, while you try to find that show, Bald Guy, Italian, hotel, revamp thing.
[00:05:54]  Definitely hotel.
[00:05:55]  Hotel rescue, I'm pretty sure it's called.
[00:06:00]  Our sponsor today is TacticalWalls.com.
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[00:06:34]  AKA America.
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[00:06:46]  Remember, be sure to use one of the GOML codes to get 15% off your purchase.
[00:06:51]  It's not just Gavin that gets you 15% off.
[00:06:54]  It is Gavin, Gavin 15, Rye Guy, heels, or sunglasses.
[00:07:01]  They will all save you 15%.
[00:07:03]  But most importantly, use the fucking codes so that Tactical Walls knows where their customers are coming from.
[00:07:09]  If they don't attribute the sale to the show, how will they know to keep sponsoring the show?
[00:07:13]  In other words, they will cut us off if you don't use Gavin or Gavin 15 or Rye Guy or Heels or sunglasses.
[00:07:20]  That's hilarious.
[00:07:20]  It's real simple, guys.
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[00:07:22]  They support us.
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[00:07:26]  Support veteran-owned businesses who support us.
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[00:07:32]  Thanks, Tactical Walls.
[00:07:33]  We like you more than a friend.
[00:07:34]  And again, I use my Tactical Wall shelf.
[00:07:37]  I move a little military vet over and the thing plops down and out comes, in my case, beer and whiskey.
[00:07:48]  Did you find the show yet?
[00:07:50]  No, I've been showing Tactical Wall.
[00:07:52]  What do you think of the brand new bumper?
[00:07:53]  Not the bumper.
[00:07:54]  That's a fun bumper.
[00:07:55]  Hey, tactical walls.
[00:07:56]  Look at the bumper.
[00:08:00]  You should go hotel rescue hell.
[00:08:03]  Hotel hell.
[00:08:04]  No.
[00:08:05]  Hotel hell is Ramsey.
[00:08:06]  That's Ramsey.
[00:08:07]  So Hotel Rescue was my original idea.
[00:08:10]  And then I look in the images.
[00:08:12]  There he is.
[00:08:12]  Travel channels.
[00:08:15]  I got there in one second.
[00:08:17]  Hotel Impossible isn't it?
[00:08:19]  Hotel Impossible.
[00:08:20]  And his name is Anthony Melchiori.
[00:08:27]  And every time you see a woman on that show, you're like, you guys fuck.
[00:08:31]  Oh, I seen that little guy.
[00:08:32]  No, you fucked.
[00:08:34]  And I think sometimes they fuck the rescuee.
[00:08:38]  Like, not Gordon Ramsey, although he was caught cheating on his wife.
[00:08:42]  But like, that guy's there.
[00:08:43]  He's saving the hotel.
[00:08:45]  They're vulnerable.
[00:08:46]  If the wife is single, he's fucking.
[00:08:52]  It's funny because you watch these shows and you're like, yeah, obviously.
[00:08:56]  Clean the shit off.
[00:08:58]  There's fucking roaches on the ground.
[00:09:01]  Look how disgusting that is and how unsafe that is.
[00:09:04]  Look at this carpet.
[00:09:06]  It probably hasn't been vacuumed in 10 years.
[00:09:09]  Look, there's some kind of hair there.
[00:09:11]  Looks like crap on the floor.
[00:09:12]  Look at the wall.
[00:09:14]  Look how filthy the wall is.
[00:09:16]  Look at the screw sticking out.
[00:09:17]  Look at the walls.
[00:09:17]  Look at the screws.
[00:09:18]  The screws.
[00:09:19]  What the hell is that there for?
[00:09:20]  What's that?
[00:09:21]  A nail?
[00:09:21]  That is fucked up.
[00:09:22]  A screw sticking out.
[00:09:24]  Look at the screws sticking out of the side.
[00:09:26]  What the hell is that there for?
[00:09:27]  Who's the contractor?
[00:09:29]  Who's the fucking illegal Mexican who screwed in that four-inch screw and just went, it's okay.
[00:09:34]  I'll just leave it like that.
[00:09:35]  That's for good luck.
[00:09:37]  I wasn't peto ficie outside.
[00:09:41]  But here's the problem with all these rescue shows, and they always are fucked after, by the way.
[00:09:45]  All of these bars, all these restaurants, these hotels they fix, they end up bankrupt like two years after Gordon Ramsey leaves.
[00:09:51]  Two years.
[00:09:52]  Fucking six months.
[00:09:54]  And it's because how'd that place get to that position in the first place?
[00:09:58]  Because the people clearly don't care.
[00:10:00]  So when you're at home and you're like, yeah, why is there a screw sticking out?
[00:10:05]  That's you putting your brain in their head.
[00:10:08]  They're assholes.
[00:10:10]  It's like when you see a bum and you're like, dude, wash dishes.
[00:10:14]  You can get like 60 bucks a day.
[00:10:16]  By the way, I'm promoting our shirts here.
[00:10:19]  When Trump does follow through or doesn't do, would follow through the exact opposite.
[00:10:25]  Biden.
[00:10:26]  And I'm especially proud of these shirts because you see them, someone else sees them and they go, oh, a fellow Biden fan.
[00:10:33]  Awesome.
[00:10:34]  I love Joe Biden too.
[00:10:37]  No, I don't.
[00:10:38]  He has no homie.
[00:10:40]  Fucking retard.
[00:10:41]  I like that one.
[00:10:42]  Yeah, on first glance, they're like ally.
[00:10:46]  I have something to tell you.
[00:10:49]  Me or the audience?
[00:10:50]  That's very intense.
[00:10:53]  One, my idea was ripped off for Kids' Day.
[00:10:57]  Remember, I told you about Kids' Day?
[00:10:58]  I emailed you this, I believe.
[00:11:00]  Many years ago, I talked about a thing I've been doing for a long time called Kids' Day, where I allow kids free reign.
[00:11:07]  Go nuts.
[00:11:08]  It's their rules.
[00:11:09]  It's Lord of the Flies.
[00:11:10]  You want to kill Piggy with the conch shell?
[00:11:12]  Go ahead, brain him with the rocks.
[00:11:13]  They eat candy all day.
[00:11:15]  They have candy cereal for dinner.
[00:11:17]  They get sick.
[00:11:18]  They puke.
[00:11:19]  They watch movies till around 1 a.m. and then fall asleep on the floor in their pants.
[00:11:23]  They don't even put on their pajamas.
[00:11:25]  They don't brush their teeth.
[00:11:26]  The next day is a write-off.
[00:11:27]  They feel sick.
[00:11:28]  They're exhausted from the night before.
[00:11:30]  And I have to pick up the pieces and show them how stupid it is when I let them handle the show.
[00:11:36]  Right.
[00:11:37]  So that was my idea.
[00:11:38]  Kids' Day.
[00:11:39]  Long time ago.
[00:11:40]  And it's an effective way to show kids that their lives would not be better if they were in control.
[00:11:48]  So Hollywood is a bunch of lazy Jewish gays.
[00:11:51]  Just kidding.
[00:11:53]  It's a bunch of lazy Jews.
[00:11:55]  Just kidding.
[00:11:57]  Bunch of lazy gays.
[00:11:59]  Just kidding.
[00:12:00]  It's a bunch of gaysy Jews.
[00:12:03]  And they have no ideas.
[00:12:05]  They're not creative people.
[00:12:06]  Everyone in LA sucks.
[00:12:07]  Let's cut the shit here, right?
[00:12:10]  They're not good.
[00:12:11]  People in LA, I'm not saying they're not good people.
[00:12:14]  They're not good.
[00:12:15]  And being good at it, if you will.
[00:12:18]  They just suck.
[00:12:20]  They're fat losers, really.
[00:12:22]  Right?
[00:12:24]  Or TriCaster is already overheating 10 minutes into the show.
[00:12:29]  We're getting better equipment.
[00:12:30]  And yes, I'm cheap.
[00:12:31]  And yes, I apologize for that.
[00:12:32]  Anyway, Netflix has a show with Jennifer Garner Gardner, whatever her name is.
[00:12:38]  She's very, very attractive woman.
[00:12:41]  Too attractive.
[00:12:41]  Not our cup of tea.
[00:12:42]  You know how we hate hot chicks on this show.
[00:12:45]  She's got cow catcher chin, chiseled features, mile-high cheekbones.
[00:12:51]  That sure has taken you a long time to get ice from the freezer of a fridge that is next to your desk.
[00:12:58]  What's that about?
[00:13:00]  And why is it overheating only when we do the live shows?
[00:13:04]  Because it's now streaming also.
[00:13:07]  Instead of just recording.
[00:13:09]  Did you blast it with some compressed air to get the fuzz out?
[00:13:12]  There's no fuzz.
[00:13:14]  How do you know there's no fuzz?
[00:13:16]  Because I can see it.
[00:13:16]  No, you can't.
[00:13:17]  It's inside the machine.
[00:13:21]  I'm going to order some more of that.
[00:13:22]  Wait, it's done?
[00:13:24]  Yeah.
[00:13:25]  You used up all the compressed air.
[00:13:27]  Yes.
[00:13:29]  Really?
[00:13:30]  Yeah.
[00:13:31]  I find that hard to believe.
[00:13:33]  I did.
[00:13:34]  Okay.
[00:13:35]  Gonna get a bigger can.
[00:13:36]  Anyway, so Netflix has this show out called it's Kids' Day, but it's called Yes Day.
[00:13:42]  And it shows you the quality of programming in America has finally reached Canadian levels.
[00:13:48]  Maybe even European levels.
[00:13:51]  It is physically painful to watch this film.
[00:13:55]  Now, my kids have the same standards as me as far as my 14-year-old and my 12-year-old.
[00:14:00]  But my 8-year-old, he wants to see a silly movie.
[00:14:02]  He likes, you know, silly gamer YouTubers.
[00:14:05]  So the family should take a hit once in a while and watch a movie that he likes.
[00:14:09]  Nickelodeon level shittiness.
[00:14:12]  Stop, stop, stop.
[00:14:13]  But I don't know.
[00:14:15]  There's a lot of shit that he likes, like Japanese cartoons like Totoro that I can totally handle or Goonies.
[00:14:24]  There's a lot of shit.
[00:14:26]  All the Muppet movies.
[00:14:27]  I can name a thousand things that he likes that I can tolerate.
[00:14:32]  This was fucking AIDS.
[00:14:38]  Oh my God.
[00:14:41]  I don't know if you have a dick as big as mine, but sometimes when I have sex with women, they will have to do breathing exercises.
[00:14:47]  Like they're giving birth.
[00:14:50]  I was literally doing breathing exercises.
[00:14:52]  It's like I was getting fucked by me.
[00:14:54]  Like I was listening.
[00:14:56]  The movie was there, and I don't want my son to see me, my youngest boy, because I don't want to shit on something.
[00:15:00]  Because of course, if I go, this sucks, it's so corny.
[00:15:03]  He's going to want to be cool, right?
[00:15:05]  And be like, yeah, totally blows, man.
[00:15:07]  I hate the thing that you guys hate.
[00:15:09]  I don't like this.
[00:15:09]  I'm not the only loser in the family, so you can't do that.
[00:15:12]  But I had to sit there and go about 10 times.
[00:15:24]  I felt pressure on my chest.
[00:15:27]  I felt physical pressure on my chest.
[00:15:29]  It felt like sparring.
[00:15:31]  Or, you know, after you have a big long cry, like, say, your nana dies, and afterwards, your eyes feel kind of salty and you feel this sort of like catharsis in your chest.
[00:15:42]  That's how I felt after.
[00:15:43]  Like, I felt I had been through the ringer.
[00:15:46]  I felt like I'd been through something traumatic and intense.
[00:15:50]  It's so fucking, and I'm reluctant to use the word gay because it's way beyond gay.
[00:15:57]  It's so shitty and derivative and corny and badly acted.
[00:16:02]  As my daughter point out, she goes, there was just no love in it.
[00:16:06]  That's what a friend of my brother said about my mom's cooking one particularly bad night where she'd had maybe a few wines, too many wines, and the dinner was inedible.
[00:16:19]  And my brother goes, it's just, there's no love in it.
[00:16:22]  There's no love in this food.
[00:16:23]  It's just like churned out.
[00:16:25]  And this movie, it hits all the things.
[00:16:28]  It's like someone held a gun to someone's head and said, make Gavin's Kids' Day a movie, but make the husband Hispanic so we can cross off the diversity thing.
[00:16:39]  And then just make it all about how kids rock.
[00:16:42]  The only way I survived this film was to mentally go, wait a minute, this is what America is.
[00:16:47]  We gave them Kids' Day.
[00:16:49]  They wanted socialism, we gave them socialism.
[00:16:52]  They want anyone but Trump, we gave them anyone but Trump.
[00:16:55]  They want to defund the police, we defunded the police.
[00:16:58]  Essentially, what we're living in right now is Kids' Day.
[00:17:02]  It is a disaster.
[00:17:03]  And it is a disaster.
[00:17:06]  All right.
[00:17:07]  Play, I guess, the trailer.
[00:17:10]  If there's one thing I've learned from being a mom, it's that parents and kids always disagree on one thing.
[00:17:17]  No, no, no.
[00:17:17]  Rules.
[00:17:18]  But saying no 50 times an hour.
[00:17:21]  Absolutely not.
[00:17:22]  Nope on a rope.
[00:17:23]  It's part of the job.
[00:17:28]  But all of that is about to change.
[00:17:31]  Have you heard about yourself?
[00:17:32]  Wait, there was a bestseller?
[00:17:33]  Parents say yes to everything their kids ask for for 24 hours.
[00:17:36]  Radical!

=== Shitty Teeth and Detectives (04:39) ===

[00:17:37]  How am I just hearing about it?
[00:17:38]  Someone stole a bestseller from me?
[00:17:40]  And mom and dad are like fun killers.
[00:17:42]  We are plenty fun.
[00:17:44]  We are plenty fun.
[00:17:47]  You can be fun again.
[00:17:48]  Really?
[00:17:50]  Let's do this.
[00:17:51]  I'm ready.
[00:17:54]  It's Mexican.
[00:17:55]  Yes, Day!
[00:17:56]  Who's ready for yesterday?
[00:17:58]  Oh, he wants to do your hair and makeup.
[00:17:59]  I have a vision.
[00:18:00]  Okay, this trailer's really good.
[00:18:02]  I'm glad you're using your watercolors.
[00:18:06]  Windows!
[00:18:08]  What do we do?
[00:18:09]  In the car wash.
[00:18:10]  What?
[00:18:11]  Why?
[00:18:11]  Windows down!
[00:18:16]  And by the way, the kids have all arranged for everyone to have a change of clothes.
[00:18:19]  Oh, and this, the water balloon scene, they tricked everyone by saying on a Craigslist ad that there's going to be this water balloon reality show that's going to be super sexy.
[00:18:29]  So they got everyone to come out.
[00:18:30]  Why they all have their own uniforms, I don't know.
[00:18:32]  And the guy with the shitty teeth, I kept staring at him going, I feel like I know you.
[00:18:37]  And then I realized, I know you.
[00:18:39]  It's Dave English from Jackass.
[00:18:42]  That's why his teeth are so shitty.
[00:18:44]  It's the only time you see shitty teeth in a Hollywood movie.
[00:18:46]  Go back a bit.
[00:18:51]  This is going to be awesome.
[00:18:54]  There.
[00:18:55]  That's the jackass dude.
[00:18:57]  It's not.
[00:18:58]  No, no, no.
[00:18:59]  I know who you're talking about.
[00:19:01]  Dave England.
[00:19:02]  Oh, am I wrong?
[00:19:03]  Yeah, no, he's a bad-teeth guy in a lot of different things.
[00:19:09]  That's embarrassing, because when I brought it up with my family, everyone went, Oh, yeah!
[00:19:13]  He's very similar.
[00:19:14]  He's so smart, Gavin.
[00:19:16]  Nailed it again.
[00:19:17]  He's very similar looking.
[00:19:20]  It's not Dave England.
[00:19:21]  You're right.
[00:19:22]  But that looks, I mean, they're definitely a dead ringer, but.
[00:19:26]  So who's that guy?
[00:19:28]  And what is with his teeth?
[00:19:30]  He's been in some commercials and shit.
[00:19:31]  He's got terrible teeth.
[00:19:34]  Not that I give a shit.
[00:19:35]  I don't think you should fix your teeth, but it's just alarming when you're the only one who doesn't.
[00:19:42]  What's his name?
[00:19:42]  Nat Faxon.
[00:19:44]  Oof.
[00:19:46]  Yeah.
[00:19:46]  Oh, he's the diary of oh, no, so he's a Captain Underpants guy.
[00:19:51]  Nat Faxon.
[00:19:52]  I got to kind of hand it to him.
[00:19:53]  It is kind of cool to keep your shitty teeth.
[00:19:57]  Yeah.
[00:19:59]  They are alarming, though.
[00:20:01]  Aren't they?
[00:20:02]  Yes.
[00:20:02]  As a man with perfect teeth, I shun this man.
[00:20:08]  Yeah, they're not even close to as bad as yours.
[00:20:10]  The rest of them is handsome.
[00:20:12]  Breathtaking.
[00:20:13]  Well.
[00:20:14]  Anyway, I like to request shitty movies like Dorman.
[00:20:18]  I think you should watch The Doorman with your friends.
[00:20:20]  Do not watch this.
[00:20:21]  You cannot handle it.
[00:20:24]  I can't handle it.
[00:20:25]  I'm still kind of shaking.
[00:20:27]  That makes you want to.
[00:20:28]  Oh, womp.
[00:20:28]  I hit my nuts.
[00:20:30]  And then he fell.
[00:20:31]  Like, look how far he just fell.
[00:20:33]  That's a bunk bed.
[00:20:35]  Is that Mark Ruffalo?
[00:20:37]  He's a knockoff.
[00:20:38]  Okay.
[00:20:38]  No.
[00:20:38]  I can't believe I let you fool me into thinking that you checked.
[00:20:41]  Wait, stop.
[00:20:41]  Is that Mark Ruffalo?
[00:20:44]  I actually haven't been looking at the screen.
[00:20:45]  I've been looking for David.
[00:20:46]  You gotta play the Detective Shitty thing.
[00:20:49]  Okay.
[00:20:49]  But look at this.
[00:20:50]  This is a terrible Netflix straight to video, as it were.
[00:20:55]  And the guy who plays the Hulk maybe.
[00:20:57]  Would not be one of the most successful actors in the world.
[00:21:00]  He'd probably not be the guy we're looking for.
[00:21:02]  Okay.
[00:21:03]  Not the droids we're looking for.
[00:21:05]  Holy shit, though.
[00:21:07]  It was grim.
[00:21:12]  I hate to be a party pooper.
[00:21:14]  I hate to be a party pooper.
[00:21:15]  And then they had a weird little Peruvian.
[00:21:18]  I like what all these mixed race couples now.
[00:21:21]  They just, for the kids, they just get any mixed race kids.
[00:21:24]  So they'll have like a mulatto, a fucking Peruvian.
[00:21:28]  Just not white.
[00:21:29]  Just a Korean.
[00:21:32]  That scene made no sense.
[00:21:33]  She gets arrested for this and goes to prison.
[00:21:36]  Stand still, please.
[00:21:37]  Oh.
[00:21:38]  Oh, can I do that again?
[00:21:41]  Get ready for some God.
[00:21:45]  It was torture.
[00:21:47]  Torture.
[00:21:51]  Is that Oprah?
[00:21:52]  Wait.
[00:21:53]  No.
[00:21:54]  Wait, look.
[00:21:54]  Can you hit the Detective Shitty?
[00:21:55]  Yes, I will.
[00:21:56]  I will.
[00:21:56]  But wait.
[00:21:57]  It's a 19-year-old girl.

=== Johnny Apple CBD Support (03:50) ===

[00:22:01]  Oh.
[00:22:02]  I mean, they play that shit so fast, you would think that's not.
[00:22:04]  No, well, if you're Detective Shitty, yeah, sure.
[00:22:07]  So can you click the Detective Shitty, please?
[00:22:11]  Wait, we're not seeing it.
[00:22:12]  We're just hearing shit sounds.
[00:22:15]  We'll play it again.
[00:22:18]  I hope you don't have anything private on your desktop.
[00:22:22]  I don't think so.
[00:22:23]  Johnny Apple CBD support our day one sponsor.
[00:22:26]  These guys have been with us since day one.
[00:22:28]  By the way, to get back to Tactical Walls, if you guys are watching, can you build me my Maker's Mark thing?
[00:22:37]  Tactical Walls.
[00:22:38]  I'll pay for it, by the way.
[00:22:40]  I don't want a freebie.
[00:22:41]  But I want an upside-down bottle of Maker's Mark where you have your shot glass and you push up just like in any bar.
[00:22:47]  Actually, any fancy bar.
[00:22:48]  In Manhattan, they're so worried about waiters and waitresses ripping you off that they have the thing.
[00:22:53]  I mean, ripping off the bar owner.
[00:22:54]  Where you push up on the glass, it takes out an ounce and then nothing else comes out.
[00:22:58]  So I want that.
[00:23:01]  I'm not even sure how you do this.
[00:23:04]  I get a shot and then I can't get back in for another hour.
[00:23:11]  So I can do a shot an hour at the most.
[00:23:13]  And maybe there's a limit where I get three shots a night.
[00:23:18]  Because I can't handle my liquor.
[00:23:21]  I'm remembering from pre-Lent days.
[00:23:23]  But I also don't want to say no to Maker's Mark.
[00:23:26]  So there must be a way where you can delegate it and then you can't get any more.
[00:23:32]  Anyway, back to our first sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD.
[00:23:36]  This episode is brought to you by our proud sponsor, Johnny Apple CBD.
[00:23:39]  I love Johnny Apple CBD and I appreciate their dedication to this show.
[00:23:42]  By the way, had a new customer, close friend, say he tried the topical after sore muscles and it worked.
[00:23:48]  And he was totally skeptical.
[00:23:49]  That's the topicals right there.
[00:23:52]  I can't tell you how many people have raved about CBD on sore muscles.
[00:23:58]  Johnny Apple CBD stands for America Freedom and Zero Censorship.
[00:24:03]  They've been with censored.tv since day one.
[00:24:05]  We proudly stand with them.
[00:24:07]  If you support me and censored.tv, please go to jacbd.com right now and show them the same support you show us, even if it's a small purchase.
[00:24:16]  Buy the gummies.
[00:24:18]  Chew on those before you go to sleep.
[00:24:19]  Mellow out.
[00:24:21]  Get a tincture.
[00:24:22]  Drop that in your coffee.
[00:24:23]  Take the edge off.
[00:24:24]  Treat yourself.
[00:24:25]  Support these guys.
[00:24:26]  They support us.
[00:24:27]  Jacbd.com promo code Gavin for 20 off all orders.
[00:24:32]  Thank you, Johnny Apple CBD, for sticking with us through Covid.
[00:24:35]  We know times are tough.
[00:24:36]  God bless Johnny Apple CBD.
[00:24:38]  God bless America.
[00:24:39]  Thanks, Johnny Apple CBD, we like you more than a friend.
[00:24:42]  Again, to the guy who writes the ad copy, um, in the year 2021 you do not need to write out www dot.
[00:24:52]  That has been superfluous, I would say, since 1999.
[00:24:56]  What do you think Ryan, I wouldn't shop for compressed air while we're doing a show about that.
[00:25:02]  That would be maybe something you write a note to do later and not while we're fucking live.
[00:25:08]  Well, it's done so.
[00:25:10]  Um, also in the news.
[00:25:12]  I was having a discussion with my wife this morning and uh, I thought the kids were gone.
[00:25:18]  They weren't in the house.
[00:25:19]  I was wrong and she's.
[00:25:21]  We invest in commercial real estate occasionally and we were talking about some renovations to a property that were getting so expensive.
[00:25:29]  We're like, is is this gonna make the money back?
[00:25:31]  I mean, if you put in five grand into painting and and getting new shelves and shit, you're gonna make 20 grand.

=== Room Full of Men (10:09) ===

[00:25:38]  Uh, in the resale.
[00:25:40]  If you spend five hundred thousand dollars making everything gold plated, you might even hurt the property because people go, I don't know it's, they have gold shelves and this isn't my cup of tea and we just want it as an office space.
[00:25:52]  So we're talking about that sort of a region.
[00:25:54]  And I go, I don't know just, this is not really my thing, i'll.
[00:25:57]  I like the big stuff as far as cosmetics, that's you.
[00:26:01]  And she's like well wait, come here, come here.
[00:26:03]  She keeps telling me to come back into the room and i'm like okay well, can you call him and see if there's a cheaper version, a vinyl version?
[00:26:14]  Okay, I will.
[00:26:14]  And I go, all right then fine, I mean, I just think our budget should have been this, and now we're at that.
[00:26:20]  But whatever you think, and I start leaving goes wait, come in, we're not done, get in here.
[00:26:28]  Do you want to blow me?
[00:26:29]  I'm thinking right right, this bitch wants to fucking smoke the hug, which does not happen, by the way, and I don't just mean my wife, I mean married couples.
[00:26:39]  Your wife isn't constantly drooling thinking about blowing you.
[00:26:43]  We're constantly drooling thinking about eating out our wives.
[00:26:45]  Like fucking, what's his name?
[00:26:47]  Fred from Brooklyn, at Kumiya's party.
[00:26:49]  He goes, been married 30 years, i'd like to eat her out right now.
[00:26:53]  And he, they Married late, so they were basically 60, married at 30.
[00:26:58]  Actually, that's earlier than I married my wife.
[00:27:01]  So, I'm thinking, like, I think there's a, and then this is what gets weird with your brain, and all men's brains are like this.
[00:27:09]  Our dick starts going, no, no, no, you got something here, my friend.
[00:27:16]  She's dying to blow you.
[00:27:18]  That's why she keeps inviting you back in the room.
[00:27:20]  And you're like, I know, right?
[00:27:21]  Because I thought that was weird.
[00:27:22]  I don't usually handle cosmetics and like kitchens and shelving and you know, carpets and stuff.
[00:27:28]  I just buy the property, sell the property.
[00:27:30]  Why are we spending so much time on aesthetics?
[00:27:33]  Unless homeboy's gonna like get it, unless homeboy's gonna like get it.
[00:27:40]  So then I take it away from the front room and into the living room.
[00:27:48]  And then I, my dick got me even crazier.
[00:27:51]  And I've done this before.
[00:27:52]  And the response when I did this last time was like crying.
[00:27:58]  Uh-oh.
[00:27:59]  This was like 20 years ago.
[00:28:01]  But for some reason, this it's ironic that he's not the asshole because he's the asshole.
[00:28:07]  The front part goes, just like sit down, maybe like pull it out.
[00:28:14]  And I was smart enough to know that doesn't work because of the tears 20 years ago.
[00:28:19]  But I'm just like, so now we're in the living room and she keeps wanting to talk about these renovations.
[00:28:27]  And she's wearing like she just worked out on her Peloton.
[00:28:30]  So she's got her hair up.
[00:28:31]  It's got little lemons on, which is normally not like very presentable.
[00:28:35]  Not that us men give a shit.
[00:28:37]  So then I go, I tried this.
[00:28:40]  We've all been there, married men.
[00:28:41]  I go, you want to come here?
[00:28:44]  She goes, what?
[00:28:46]  I didn't mention blowjobs because that's a stretch.
[00:28:49]  Usually you just like, if intercourse is possible, you're probably going to get a beach.
[00:28:53]  So I go, do you want to get over here?
[00:28:55]  Do you want to come here?
[00:28:56]  She goes, what?
[00:28:56]  I got to walk the dog.
[00:28:58]  And she pointed out our daughter's upstairs.
[00:28:59]  I didn't realize she was upstairs.
[00:29:01]  I thought, see, that's how brainwashed I was.
[00:29:03]  I thought that the reason you were flirting is because it was one of those rare instances where there was no kids in the house.
[00:29:12]  She goes, I have to walk the dog.
[00:29:13]  I got to go pick up our youngest boy.
[00:29:15]  What are you talking about?
[00:29:17]  And then I realized there was not a snowball's chance in the house that I was going to get a BJ.
[00:29:25]  It was not.
[00:29:25]  I will eat your ass.
[00:29:27]  No one was remotely considering it.
[00:29:29]  No way, Jose.
[00:29:31]  Not a possibility.
[00:29:33]  What the fuck was I thinking?
[00:29:37]  And it reminded me of that chick who I think may have the sprinkles, one of the few funny people in the world in the movie 22 Jump Street, which I think is a sequel to 21 Jump Street, which sucks as a movie.
[00:29:51]  It's all gay jokes.
[00:29:53]  It's all like fucking, yeah, you big fag, you probably want to fuck me, which is how us dudes talk to each other.
[00:29:59]  And it's fun when we're talking to each other.
[00:30:01]  Yeah, you're dying to blow me, dude.
[00:30:03]  I want to fuck you so bad.
[00:30:05]  But outside of like the individuals doing that joke, it's not really something you want to like pay money for.
[00:30:10]  You get popcorn and watch two guys doing gay jokes to each other, which is 99% of 22 Jump Street.
[00:30:16]  But at the end of the movie, Jonah Hill catches whatever her name is and Jillian something.
[00:30:24]  Do you know her name?
[00:30:25]  That's about right.
[00:30:26]  Oh, you texted to me, Lucy.
[00:30:28]  What it's on your watch?
[00:30:30]  My texts are on your watch.
[00:30:32]  Yes.
[00:30:33]  That's not right.
[00:30:34]  Jillian Bell.
[00:30:36]  Jillian Bell, that's morally wrong that you're checking my texts on your watch.
[00:30:40]  But anyway.
[00:30:41]  2000, whatever it is.
[00:30:42]  Jillian Bell is a drug dealer at a college, and Jonah Hill is an undercover cop.
[00:30:46]  And he catches her, and he's chasing her to beat her up and arrest her, whatever.
[00:30:50]  Chasing her to beat her up.
[00:30:52]  And as he's chasing her, she keeps stopping the fight and saying, Are we doing this right now?
[00:30:57]  Are we fucking?
[00:30:58]  And I thought that's so much of my sex life, not just with my wife, but before I was married, how I'd be like, I think this is about to go down.
[00:31:06]  And I was 90% of the time wrong.
[00:31:10]  It's quiet.
[00:31:10]  Yeah, no, it's quite fine.
[00:31:12]  He was 90% quiet when I thought it was going down.
[00:31:15]  But let's see.
[00:31:16]  You overclip you like you were sitting on a shelf.
[00:31:19]  Like nobody was smashing your button.
[00:31:20]  No one was smashing the subscribe.
[00:31:22]  No.
[00:31:22]  My cock was not fire.
[00:31:23]  The bell was not hit.
[00:31:25]  Like, nobody want that shit.
[00:31:26]  That shit deal.
[00:31:30]  Get up, old man River.
[00:31:32]  Come on.
[00:31:33]  Get up and hit me, you fucking pussy.
[00:31:35]  I'm not gonna fight a girl.
[00:31:36]  So just stop.
[00:31:37]  Shouldn't matter.
[00:31:38]  If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman, you would hit me and not feel bad about it.
[00:31:44]  Oh, bring it.
[00:31:46]  I'm in.
[00:31:47]  It's all right now, dog.
[00:31:49]  Girl fight.
[00:31:53]  Oh, my God.
[00:31:55]  Is there blood in my eye?
[00:31:56]  There's blood in my eye.
[00:31:58]  Fucking learn how to hit.
[00:32:03]  The little biller.
[00:32:06]  This is the best part of the movie.
[00:32:09]  No!
[00:32:10]  What?
[00:32:10]  No!
[00:32:11]  What were you doing?
[00:32:12]  What am I doing?
[00:32:13]  Why'd you try to kiss me?
[00:32:14]  Fucking try and kiss you.
[00:32:15]  Yes, you did.
[00:32:16]  Ooh, you're so weird.
[00:32:17]  You're fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smithing me.
[00:32:19]  I'm not Mr. and Mrs. Smithing.
[00:32:21]  This wasn't a sexy fight.
[00:32:22]  Oh, like, you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time.
[00:32:25]  I never once wanted to kiss you.
[00:32:27]  Never.
[00:32:28]  No.
[00:32:28]  You just shit your head shit.
[00:32:30]  You're making a face and sexy.
[00:32:31]  I've been killing this morning with my wife.
[00:32:34]  Stop trying.
[00:32:35]  You keep trying.
[00:32:36]  I've never tried to kiss you.
[00:32:37]  You gave me kiss me, eyes.
[00:32:39]  T-Dave, the eyes were eyes.
[00:32:41]  I just got punched in the face, eyes.
[00:32:42]  They weren't kissed me eyes.
[00:32:43]  I don't even like you.
[00:32:44]  Neither do I, so stop kissing me.
[00:32:46]  Okay.
[00:32:48]  No, you're leaning in again.
[00:32:50]  No, but we were gonna punch her kiss.
[00:32:52]  You're making it so uncomfortable.
[00:32:53]  This is the most uncomfortable fist fight I've ever been in.
[00:32:56]  I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face, okay?
[00:32:59]  And then we're gonna go back to fighting, and we'll pretend this never happened.
[00:33:09]  Are you kidding me?
[00:33:10]  It's plastic.
[00:33:11]  It doesn't even hurt.
[00:33:13]  This isn't the spring breakdown magic.
[00:33:15]  How about this?
[00:33:15]  You want a little fun?
[00:33:17]  I'm wet, baby.
[00:33:18]  Somebody's moving in my face.
[00:33:23]  Yeah, she's such a shitty movie.
[00:33:26]  She may have a magic.
[00:33:28]  Oh, here we go again.
[00:33:30]  Violence.
[00:33:31]  Unless you're gonna fuck me.
[00:33:32]  I'm not gonna fuck you.
[00:33:33]  Are we gonna fuck you?
[00:33:34]  No, we're not.
[00:33:35]  Is that what's happening?
[00:33:36]  I'm not gonna fuck you.
[00:33:42]  That was it.
[00:33:43]  Are we gonna fuck?
[00:33:44]  Is that what's happening right now?
[00:33:45]  That was my morning.
[00:33:47]  And it was not happening.
[00:33:48]  You're ding-dong in two pieces.
[00:33:51]  Oh, I want you to hit me so bad right now.
[00:33:55]  Just fing me.
[00:33:57]  Get out of here, you pussy.
[00:33:58]  Yes, ma'am.
[00:33:59]  Here.
[00:33:59]  Yes, yes, ma'am.
[00:34:01]  That's girls at protest.
[00:34:02]  Just hit me.
[00:34:04]  Yeah, that's a real trend now.
[00:34:05]  Yeah.
[00:34:06]  Like, that's a joke, and it's funny.
[00:34:07]  It may actually be a parody of this pattern, but there's these girls out now that are like writing fucking Yelp reviews.
[00:34:13]  Fuck this place is for fucking Nazis.
[00:34:16]  And they're going up to people, men on the street.
[00:34:18]  You're a fucking fascist.
[00:34:21]  Me, I'm talking about mostly.
[00:34:23]  But it reminds me of Nicole Dufrine, D-U-F-R-E-S-N-E, where she was getting robbed by Rudy.
[00:34:29]  She was a woman I knew at Max Fish in the early yachts.
[00:34:32]  She's getting robbed by Rudy Fleming, Puerto Rican, who took his uncle's handgun to go out robbing one night.
[00:34:39]  And he goes, just give me your money.
[00:34:41]  Which you should.
[00:34:43]  And she goes, what the fuck are you going to do?
[00:34:45]  Shoot me?
[00:34:45]  And laughed in his face.
[00:34:47]  She was kind of the beginning.
[00:34:48]  This is a 20-year-old phenomenon.
[00:34:50]  She was the beginning of these chicks that are like, fuck you, bitch, I'll kick your ass.
[00:34:55]  Because they watch movies, I guess.
[00:34:57]  And he shot her through the chest.
[00:34:59]  That was him complaining that he had a stomachache when he was arrested.
[00:35:02]  I think he's out of jail by now.
[00:35:05]  But I feel like saying to these girls, yes, you are cunts, and it is annoying.
[00:35:10]  But I'm not going to shoot you through the chest.
[00:35:13]  I'm just going to roll my eyes and think you have a bad father.
[00:35:16]  But you keep up this shitty attitude and you get robbed, and someone's going to die.
[00:35:21]  It's going to be you.
[00:35:22]  All right.
[00:35:23]  That's enough chattering for free.
[00:35:26]  We thank tacticalwalls.com.
[00:35:29]  We thank jacbd.com, Johnny Appleseed.

=== Never Stop Fighting (00:56) ===

[00:35:33]  But we have to go behind the paywall now.
[00:35:35]  So before I bid you to-do, without further ado.
[00:35:41]  Oh, wait, I just said it correctly by accident.
[00:35:44]  That's the problem with doing joke things.
[00:35:46]  Like for all, we used to say if it's any constellation, and then I would forget what the real one is.
[00:35:52]  And then I would make fun of for any constellation and say, for any consolation, mocking the real one.
[00:35:58]  But then I had two negatives make a positive when I was back to the real one.
[00:36:01]  Anyway, without further ado, we must bid adieu to you and say get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
[00:36:25]  You do a single sin.