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Oct. 12, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:19:19
S03E23 - GAVIN IS UNSTOPPABLE [2020-10-12 - S03E23 - GAVIN IS UNSTOPPABLE]
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Time Text
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McKinnon.
Demon Vid Angola again, my friend.
Demon Vid Angola again.
No, Africano Free.
Neither will be.
Well, go on.
Welcome back to get up, Mylan.
You know, we got Baba closing in us.
That was Naza, Angolan man.
Not to be confused with the Austrian rapper Naza.
This man Naza is from Manchester by way of Angola.
And a lot of his songs are whining about Angola.
Dude, I hate these fucking immigrants, no, in immigrates who come to a country and then go, that was so fucked up where I was.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Let's go grab a curry and a pint.
You know, there was a Civil War.
Yeah, I know.
Africa's a fucking shithole.
It sucked before we got there.
It sucked when we were there.
And it sucked after we left.
That's why you're a refugee, Penis Birth.
Penis birth?
Penis birth.
Penis birth.
But like, that's like, that's a thing that blacks do.
In fact, I think it's a way that immigrants assimilate in Britain because they have this white guilt problem.
So when immigrants show up there, they go, oh, oh, my Lord, it must have been so horrible where you were.
And it must be horrible here, too.
You poor thing.
I remember there was some sort of asylum-seeking refugee dial house in Essex where Crass are from.
And the guy was talking about how he was raped and it was horrible and everyone was pining over him.
And Penny Rimbeau of Crass fame just snaps.
He says to the guy, you can't own pain.
Which is so true.
But yeah, Linton Quasi Johnson comes here and his first hit song is England is a bitch, bitch, bitch.
There's no hisscape in it.
All these all white band happily making the music from England is a bitch, bitch.
There's no hisscape in it.
Well, no, do the one where you can see him.
Yeah.
When we just come to London town, me used to work pandy underground.
But working pandy underground, you don't get fino your way around.
England is a bitch.
Do you hear that?
They got him a job.
Jamaica declares independence in 1969.
He comes over in like 75.
He goes, wow, that sucks after you guys left.
Can I come to your house?
Can I move back in with you, mom and dad?
They get him a job on the underground.
And he goes, I would get lost when I worked on the underground.
This country is a fucking bitch.
Why don't you go back to Jamaica then, dude?
England is a bitch.
There is no escape.
Of course, I love Linton Quasi Johnson and listened to him for days.
But that became a hit song after a bunch of white people got together and added beats.
And like, play the first version of that you're going to play.
England is a bitch, bitch, bitch.
Dub machines, white engineers in there.
Hey, I'll put an echo on it.
Let's make a dub.
England is a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.
On keyboards, Derek McLean and drums.
Friggin' Brett McGillicuddy.
Brett McGillicuddy.
At least Mudabaruka stays in Jamaica and loves it there and doesn't move to other countries and then say they suck.
And Mudabaruka was very aware of Nazar's problems in the Congo.
Play that one.
Mudabaruka Angola.
Sorry, Angola.
Nazar's originally Angolan.
I don't fault Lynn Quasi Johnson and Nazar actually for doing this kind of whining because they're told to.
It's encouraged.
Just like the Proud Boys when they were in Halifax and there was some African immigrant going, why are you gay?
You eat the poo-poo.
That flag is a symbol of oppression.
And he was talking about the traditional British Dominion flag that had a Union jack on it.
And I'm listening to him going, wait a minute, you're African.
You have a thick accent.
You clearly just got here.
And you're telling Canadians that their original flag is a symbol of genocide.
And then I realized, oh, he's doing what he's told.
He's assimilating.
All the activists next to him call it a flag of death.
Okay, I will hate that white man too.
I want to be part of the group here.
And we seem ethnomasochism hating white people seems to be the order of the day.
Nothing wrong with that.
No, go to the very beginning of this song.
It's really good.
Them invade Angola again.
Is it white man country?
No?
What's the song?
I don't know.
Them invade Angola again.
Invade Angola again.
Oh, it's with an eye.
At this very minute, nowhere below the equator in Africa is safe from the racist ruthlessness of the apartheid administration, which has proved over and over its determination to launch military.
Why did you find that?
How are you spelling Angola?
I did spell it right.
Wait, yeah, Angola.
So, but how'd you fuck this up?
Anyway, just play it.
Is it the Portuguese doing this?
I promise never to invade Angola again.
I promise.
You can have it.
We have too much shit already.
I wish we could unload Puerto Rico.
Anyway, so that was Nazar.
We'll be hearing more of him later on the show.
We have a very special show for you today, but I don't want to ruin the surprise.
So let's just jump right into this.
I've been thinking about how, you know, back in the 80s, everyone was cool with each other.
They tell rude jokes, and it was funny.
And there was mutual respect within the rude jokes.
Everyone was having a laugh.
And now to be black is this like, it's heavier than being paraplegic or something.
It's just like, oh my God, I'm black.
And like when they walk into a room, everyone goes, oh, there's one of the things that everyone's talking about that they're burning down Portland for.
One of these, their horrible lives.
And it's kind of like the white people keep oppressing this poor, helpless black man.
If I was black, I'd go, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Okay?
I'm not constantly oppressed by some racist's whim.
I can stand up for myself.
You don't need to cry on the streets for me and start all kinds of programs to help me get back on my feet.
And back in the good old days, here's a story.
There's a guy living in the slums and in the hood in South Central.
And it's getting dangerous.
And South Central was very dangerous.
In fact, it's kind of weird how after MS-13 started killing everyone, especially blacks, and there was ethnic massacres going on there.
Ethnic cleansing.
But it seems now that it's homo homogenous culture, South Central is basically just Mexican now, not black.
It's calmed down.
So the diversity wasn't good for them.
Anyway, guy in South Central, his aunt notices there's a killing.
He's being raised by his aunt.
No, his mother, sorry.
But his aunt is rich.
And so he goes, his mother goes, you know what?
I'm going to send you to a much nicer place.
And it's this fish out of water that's pretty funny because he's like a ghetto hood guy and he's with some black nerd and a cardigan.
Hello, I'm a, I dance like this.
And that's amusing.
And it's called the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
It was a funny show.
Remember the beginning?
Ah, the taxi cab, the taxi driver, do the Bel Air intro.
Oh shit, the taxi cab driver reeks.
And I'm a rapper and I play basketball.
But someone wasn't happening in my neighborhood.
It was real.
I'm little kid.
My mom got scared.
Hey.
I'm that dude with the big chains.
What's his name?
Now this is a story, y'all.
Jazzy Jeff is his buddy.
Silly, goofy.
Look, crime.
Hey, you stop doing the crime.
It's just an F-word out.
I'm just doing playing basketball, having a gay old time.
And when things are going crazy in my neighborhood, whoa, I do a funny trick and then I rolled around and doodly boop, bop, doop, boop, bop.
Then I hit some gangsters.
Hey, they started shoving me around and spinning me around like a top, but I was spinning.
And my mom said, that's dangerous.
You better go.
And I put my things.
Slick Rick was the guy I was thinking of.
And he put my stuff away and gave me a plane ticket.
And then it was time for me to get lost.
Maybe he was in New York City.
And that's how I ended up in.
Silly.
No drama.
Yeah, he lived in a dangerous neighborhood.
So did our parents.
Everyone's dad I know grew up in a dangerous neighborhood, especially in New York.
Every baseball dad living in the affluent suburbs has a dad from the Bronx.
Seriously, almost every single one grew up in Queens or the Bronx.
And it was fucking dangerous back then in the 60s and 70s.
So goofy, right?
They're remaking Bel Air.
But this time they're not trivializing.
So some dude makes a random version of his update to the show.
Will Smith sees it, starts crying his eyes out, and now they're making it.
And I think it's such a great example of how everything has to be so fucking serious now.
See, for some reason, you think this is a game.
This is not a game, Will.
This is like an SNL sketch.
Look at you.
The new Bel Air.
Look at you.
The only reason why you're not in jail is because Uncle Phil called in a favor.
Phil.
Is that like Chester the Molester, Uncle Phil?
Isn't that what...
Is he better than Joe Biden, Uncle Smell?
It's the same fucking thing.
You're stupid.
Don't punched a gangster.
Cop showed up.
Found it.
It's an illegal gun.
A gun on the streets.
To protect yourself?
Yeah.
I've done my best, Will.
It's time for a change.
Listen to the fucking...
It's time for change.
Uncle Phil.
Believe.
You need to display Uncle Phil.
It's a second chance, Will.
Don't waste it.
I thought this is an SNL joke.
Or how you take something like Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and you make it into a horror movie using music and re-editing.
This is funny.
Like, if this was meant to be a joke, I would want to meet this guy and be like, he's in the top five funniest people in the world.
I want to meet him.
Lonely Island presents to clean up your messes.
That's Jay Farrow, basically.
So Will, Lonely Island is your idea of the funniest people in the world.
they make all the digital shorts like this.
He doesn't know what spoons are.
Yeah, he's like, We don't got no spoons.
Look at this shiny.
We eat using that hollowed-out cockroach.
He's from the streets of Philadelphia.
Will needs discipline.
Just a little time.
Just a little time and a little love.
We are.
Are you gonna make the chicken crossing the road into a black biopic about racism and pain?
You're not welcome, Will.
This is fake.
Wherever you're from, this is fake.
You didn't do anything to earn this.
I never had nothing.
My life ain't a sitcom, I guess.
I don't even feel like I belong here.
Just give it some time.
Everything happens for a reason.
So you see what I mean?
Like, all this bullshit is just ruining everything.
This constant whining.
It all comes back to England is a bitch.
Bitch.
Bitch.
Hey, so what part of time you staying in?
Believe.
They got you out there?
All right, Philly.
You see that weird wheezing?
Is that you breathing?
I hear like...
How's everything going up, Bel Air?
I just make the team.
I'm so proud of you.
Anyway.
Oh, that's.
I'm so glad you're here.
I need to take you shopping.
Rodeo Drive.
Oh, my gosh.
You know what's an empowering song about how you can go to Bel Air and do well for yourself?
Yeah, it's a nice neighborhood.
Look at Corey Booker.
He went basically grew up in the same hood, but in New Jersey.
I had to move.
Anyway, that's enough of that.
Damn, I had to move, man.
It's crazy.
Someone sent in this video and they called it Koon on Koon violence, which is really disappointing.
But I think it shows you how serious the hood is and how we all have to cry about someone who is forced to live there, who never had nothing, and was just trying to get an education.
But just a few rotten apples in the hood make all these other wonderful people who are just trying to get an education feel safe.
It's just one or two bad eggs.
Let's see this.
Oh, but stop, stop.
I should warn you, NSFW.
This whole episode is remarkably NSFW.
So don't watch this with your kids in the room.
If you're sensitive about animal abuse, you're about to see why the Coon on Coon joke is offensive and was sent over.
We're about to see a raccoon get abused.
This is like Milo and the pig thing.
So look away.
And you might want to just jump to the mailbag if you're sensitive because this episode gets really bad.
Like if I wasn't me, I would call me and ask me to tone it down a notch, please.
You ran it over it!
You ran over it!
Yo.
This is worth it.
Oh, buddy.
What the fuck?
What is going on?
Jeez.
It's actually the ethical thing to do.
Well, not in the body.
No, well, wherever.
It's got to go.
Its spine's broken.
So the tail is twitching post-mortem, but I don't think they know that.
So they're just...
Jeez.
Wow.
So this is where the kid from Bel Air, the kid in Bel Air came from.
It's a fucking shithole of fatherless children with no sense of morality.
They're not immoral.
They're amoral.
I wouldn't have the stomach to do that.
You know, the Coon joke reminds me of Cocoon.
Do you remember Cocoon?
Oh, that brilliant screenplay.
It's the book.
I can't tell if it's a book or a screenplay.
I think it's maybe a book that a man wrote after he was being abused for many, many years.
Let's say 20 years.
And it's a movie called There's Something Wrong with the Johnsons.
And a reader sent it in, as I'm probably going to mention soon.
But when I was watching, I thought, this is the perfect kind of thing Atheism is Unstoppable should cover.
I could totally see Kangaroo Jack covering this movie.
In fact, I wonder what it would be like if we were to cover this movie.
Okay, so this is a director named Ari Astor.
Jewish guy, looks like a Jewish guy.
And he just, well, he didn't just do a movie.
He did a movie in 2011 called What's Wrong with the Johnsons.
Now, a reader just sent this to us after we were talking about how bleeps tend to overact in films.
We don't know if that's because of the demographics, or if it's because they're encouraged to, or because that's the culture, but it seems to be a pattern.
And I hope this isn't coming across as racist.
And I notice a pattern.
That's what racism is, right?
Noticing that a group tends to do something a certain way.
And I'm sure some of the best black actors in the world are black.
But bleeps tend to overact.
And so this movie is really confusing to me because it's called What's Wrong with the Johnsons, and thank you to the reader who sent it in.
But it's also one of the worst films I've ever seen with the most intense overacting I've ever seen in my life.
Now, The strangest part of this is Ari Astor is a really talented director.
He did Midsummer, which is arguably the best film of the past five years.
I mean, I'm exaggerating, but you know what I'm saying.
It's a really, really good film.
It happens in, I think, Sweden.
It's about these Nordic cults.
It's a horror movie.
Innocent kids go there.
And spoiler alert, everyone dies.
So the fact that he made this movie, which is, I mean, I haven't watched the entire thing second by second.
I'm about to do that with you now.
But the fact that he made this a few years before, maybe seven years before, it's the room.
How do you go from making the room to an incredible film?
I don't know.
So let's start it here.
All right.
This did really well at Sundance, which also confuses me.
I mean, they're supposed to have sun standards.
Okay, so we're NSFW.
We're starting with a young bleep bleeping his bleep.
All right, shoes on, Mr. Wait, don't.
Jeez, look, I'm cleaning it.
Okay.
Cleaning?
What was he cleaning?
He's got a facecloth on his hand?
How are we doing in there, buddy?
I'm sorry I just barged in like that for your personal space.
Shouldn't have.
Okay, so this movie's starting out pretty reasonable.
It's a normal suburban middle-class black couple family.
And the father's walked in, and that's going to happen.
And he's embarrassed.
I tend to knock on my kids' doors.
But nothing untowards so far.
I should warn you, though, this movie gets very, very intense, I'm told.
And you might not want to watch it.
You definitely don't want to watch it around kids.
Can I come in for it?
And one thing, are you sure the volume isn't too loud on this speaker there, Rygai?
Because isn't that going to bounce back in the editing?
Like, echo through my mic or something?
I'm starting to get technical on this show, but do you have the gain loud?
Because I don't like gain.
Okay.
It's gainless.
Yeah, gain's a bad habit.
Isaiah, is it okay if I come in?
Yeah.
Yes, then?
Come in?
Yeah.
I'm predicting a lot of incense here.
Not looking forward to it.
I didn't see anything.
Listen, get up.
What you were just doing, which I had no right to interrupt without knocking, and I'm sorry.
All right, bye.
But what you were doing was completely natural.
And normal and to be expected.
And I just wanted to come in.
Not to make it weird, but just to make sure you weren't feeling strange.
I'm good.
Bye.
There's nothing to feel strange about.
Something that everybody does.
And everyone's entitled to that.
Do you do it?
Well, everybody does.
So you do do it then.
I mean, it's common.
Yeah.
It's something that's natural to do for all people.
And all people deserve.
You're kind of overevexplaining this, you're not?
And that's where I crossed the line.
So I'm sorry if this is weird, but I just wanted to make sure you weren't feeling ugly.
All right, so far, we're not seeing that much overacting.
This seems pretty reasonable.
And I think the fact that the father's overexplaining himself is part of the confusion.
It's part of the film.
You're supposed to be uncomfortable right now.
So, so far, I'm not confused by the fact that the man who did this also did Midsommer.
Like, this was ugly.
And hide it under the rug and let it become something taboo between us.
By the way, there was a big controversy with this film because woke leftists decided that a white director, Jewish, I assume, can't take the, he can't co-opt the culture of bleeps.
So bleeps are mad, liberals are mad, everyone's really mad.
You know what taboo is?
Yes.
Well, now it won't be.
Because we talked about it.
And it's out in the open.
Okay.
I am sorry if this is weird.
This is not.
Oh, good.
It shouldn't be.
That was weird.
Well, I'll leave you to it then.
There's nothing to leave me to, Dad.
What am I going to do?
Get back to work?
I love you.
I love you back.
What?
You love my back?
Alrighty then.
So this boy appears to be masturbating, pleasuring himself to a picture of his dad.
Boy, the content on censored.tv is sure different than CR-TV, huh?
We seem to have gone at a...
not a 45 degree angle, but a 387 degree angle.
Woo, woo, woo, woo.
I hope this doesn't get as horrible as I think it's going to get.
But clearly we have a son who's lusting his father.
And I got to say, that's probably not very common.
I haven't researched the data, but I'm guessing, actually, can I just be myself?
I'm done with this stupid imitation.
That can't be a thing.
How many times has that happen?
It's sort of like with rape, where they go, no, sorry, abortion, where they go, what if the dad rapes the girl?
Should she have to keep the baby?
You go, well, that's a strong argument for abortion, but should it really be the crux of Your entire movement.
Like, I looked it up and I found one case.
They were bleeps, by the way.
I found one case of a father impregnating his daughter in America, maybe in Costa Rica or somewhere, some other shithole country.
It happens more often, but like the left has this ability to look at these bizarre, one in a billion things and make it their whole lives.
And in this case, they've made it their whole movie.
And if we could try mom's hands on the big man's shoulder.
All right.
Oh, that's just lovely.
And if we could all just look straight ahead, please.
Wonderful.
And we're a happy little family with a great big smile.
Fantastic.
And how about a smile from dad this time?
Was I not smiling?
Oh, were you a...
Sorry.
I thought I was.
Then let's just have another big one, please.
There we go.
Love you.
What the fuck is going on?
Okay, looking good.
I think I know what happened to this kid.
And it happens a lot.
Okay, so this guy was trying not to get a boner.
Here's what happened.
He had sore balls, right?
And when you have sore balls, it's usually from drinking too much coffee and drinking too much booze, and you get majorly dehydrated.
When you're incredibly dehydrated, your balls ache.
And if your balls ache, same with when you have a headache, drink some water.
It should help.
So anyway, he goes to the doctor, and the doctor doesn't want to get sued.
So in America, they sort of overcompensate.
He should have just said, drink some water, bye.
But he said, okay, I don't want this guy to have testicular cancer.
So I'm going to check for bumps.
So the way they check for bumps is an ultrasound, just like how they see a baby in a pregnant stomach.
So they put warm gel on his balls, right?
And then they have this sort of ultrasound thing that kind of vibrates.
So he has warm gel in his nuts, and he has the ultrasound thing going, feeling quite nice.
And he goes, I'm going to get a boner.
I'm sitting here in this doctor's office.
I'm going to get a bone.
I don't want to call my doctor on the bone phone.
I want to hang up.
So what you do when that happens is you imagine your dad naked being attacked by dogs.
Alley G uses, he says, my nan on the bog, my nan on the bog, which is him imagining his grandmother having an explosive diarrhea on the toilet.
And that also helps bring it down.
So he does that a lot, right, to not get a boner.
The next thing you know, he sees his dad nude near a dog, and ironically enough, it becomes Pavlovian.
And now seeing his dad triggers boner feelings.
That's, I'm guessing, this is just a theory.
I'm guessing that's what happened to this guy.
And now if I could just get a big smile from the two happy families.
Stanley!
Sorry?
Today we're one happy family.
Got a little crowded all of a sudden.
This is the way I like it.
You see my tough links?
Yeah, we can see that was no problem.
You think?
Because I could turn more toward the kid.
He doesn't look very happy.
Do we always say cheese?
You say cheese, you can say tonkey.
I gotta show this movie to my dad.
Hey, dad, I have a great movie for us to watch.
We can bond.
You know, remember the old days when I used to rape you?
Holy shit.
What kind of mind comes up with a movie like this?
And what you're gonna screenplay.
Oh, yeah, cool.
What's it about?
A sex relationship with a father and his son.
Oh my god, I've heard of that.
It happens very, very, very occasionally.
Incest, you know, the father molesting the son.
Yeah, that's horrible.
What is it, a gay that adopted?
Oh, no, no, no, sorry.
Maybe you're misunderstanding.
I mean a boy raping his dad.
What?
What?
Wouldn't the dad just beat the living shit out of the sun?
I mean, maybe it's a major hole in the plot.
The dad would have to be paraplegic.
Is me talking while the movie's going gonna be a problem?
When we do our kangaroo editing?
I know this is.
Where'd my hand come from?
What the fuck?
The other subtext here is when you're relaxing at a party having fun and everyone seems cool.
No, it's possible that the son could be raping the dad.
You never know.
Always be dubious of that.
When you see a dad not smiling and you see his adult son grab his buns.
Uh-oh, what's she gonna see?
Is this another raping?
What are we gonna see?
Oh no.
Well, NSFW, skip forward.
You're probably not gonna want to see this.
I know I don't.
Do we just...
My dad sits there crying?
He's not resisting.
Oh, why is he not resisting?
Why would this bleep stand there while another bleep bleeped him?
And why were you standing there?
Maybe it's because I'm Scottish, but none of the thing...
Like, if I tell my dad to pass me a pencil and he doesn't want to, he won't even say fuck off.
He'll just stare straight ahead.
Like, well, dad, I asked for a pencil.
And he might just look at me and then look away.
One time, my dad pulled up to a gas station and he said, get out and fill the car with gas.
And I said, honey, why do I have to fill the car?
And he went, oh, right, that's it.
Shall I help set the table?
I'm sorry to lose my kangaroo face, but he got out and pumped the gas.
And while I was in the passenger seat, I was sitting there going, oh boy, I'm in big fucking trouble.
Why didn't I get out and pump the gas?
Shit.
So he's an author.
He writes poems.
You know, you write about what you know.
So a lot of your poems should be about my son raping me.
Rape blows.
Rape beeps.
Blow rapes.
How do people sit and watch this?
Why are we sitting and watching this?
Against my body.
Oh, so he's writing about it.
I must first condemn myself.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, you should.
Condemn yourself?
You should beat the living shit out of yourself.
Dad?
Oh no, here comes my son to brape me again.
My dad is 76.
I wouldn't fight him in the ring.
I might fight him in the ring with headgear and stuff, but as far as a street brawl, he'd kick me in the balls, headbutt me, I'd be dead.
Just close your computer, turn it off.
Hey, Pop.
Time for Din Dins.
Oh, that was close.
Son almost saw me almost tell on him.
What is going on in this sickos?
I think Ari Aster is a weirdo.
It's hot.
And you know what's funny?
I thought Midsummer was one of the weirdest films I've ever seen.
Little did I know that seven or eight years previous, he had churned out the Sun Raping His Dad dramatic.
What would you call this horror?
Drama horror?
You know these aren't for me, Dad.
You turn it up?
I got them for you.
I'll have one.
Well, they're dad's, so you're gonna have to ask him first.
Pass the potatoes, please.
Cute.
So, is he married now?
Are we back in time, forward in time?
Later.
Where's his wife?
Thank you, honey.
Why do you still live with your family?
Thank you.
You know, that line in the film where he goes, first of all, I must condemn myself.
Dude, it's ironic that you're writing a screenplay because you just wrote down the most gigantic hole in the plot.
I could drive a convoy of 18.
We got a great big con boy coming on down the road.
I could drive a convoy of 18 wheelers through that hole in the plot.
I must condemn myself.
Maybe you could talk about you must condemn yourself if your son was like getting into drugs and you didn't punish him enough and then he got into heroin and now he's dead and you could have nipped it in the bud if you had punished him more.
That would be good.
I can believe that.
My kids ran away.
I wasn't home for weeks.
I was always at work.
I'm a workaholic.
I must condemn myself.
Gotcha.
Your son having sex with you because he lusts you?
First of all, I've never heard of that before in my life.
But secondly, I mean, you'd, the first time anything happened, you'd go, what the hell?
What the fuck's the matter with you?
And then you'd send him to like a mental institution or something.
You wouldn't.
You would not lie in your back going.
What the fuck?
People have temptations.
They do things like eat jujubes when they're on a diet.
They don't lie there and go, I shouldn't let my son rape me so much.
I got to get it together.
New Year's resolution.
No more letting my son rape me.
Oh, he doesn't like them holding hands.
Biscuits?
Sure.
Like, maybe it's conceivable that a five-year-old misdirected would think he's going to marry his mommy one day and he thinks he loves her because he doesn't get the difference between like mommy love and love love.
But that's not a horror drama.
Coon man.
Oh, he spelled it cocoon.
Cocoon man.
So he's written a screenplay.
This movie's moving along pretty fast.
I'm glad because I was worried this is going to be a stupid idea for a show.
And am I really mocking Atheism is Unstoppable at this point?
Or am I just putting a kangaroo costume on to watch a sick, twisted horror drama porn?
Wait, who's it for?
Joan.
Forgive me.
Oh, he's going to go kill himself?
Probably should have done that a while ago.
Go drive off a cliff, dude.
Yeah, call me non-Christian and unfeeling.
If you are so fucking weak that your deranged sociopath son is able to use you as a sex puppet, I think it's time to drive off a cliff.
I mean, you're doing everyone a service.
Don't leave a screenplay under your daughter's pillow.
Call the cops.
Get that all rolling.
Provide the evidence.
And then blow your kangaroo head off.
That was a very atheist thing to say.
Yeah.
Maybe being this kangaroo is making me forget that I believe in the Lord and I'm a Catholic.
Your mother's in there.
I can wait.
I gotta say, the reason I put this on is because it was sent to me as an example of black bleeps overacting.
But this doesn't seem egregious.
This is no Tyler Perry.
What's he doing staring down an owl?
You'll lose, dude.
They're good.
Whoever blinks first loses.
I remember there was a thing in New York City in the early aughts, and this guy was really ambitious about it, like the way I was about Vice or the way Ryan is about censored.tv.
It was his baby.
And it was staring competitions.
And he'd hold them in bars.
He had a camera facing, like you'd charge tickets, and he'd have all these different sort of local celebs and, you know, local musicians and artists and stuff staring at each other.
And when they blinked, they lost.
And he wanted to have, he wanted to get into the Olympics.
And I don't know what percentage he was kidding.
You should dig that up and stick it in post next to my kangaroo face.
But yeah, they had air guitar championships.
I was a judge for that.
That caught on and it went around the country, around the world, I believe.
And they made a documentary about it.
That makes sense.
You can see that being a thing, an air guitar championships.
Sure.
But a staring contest, it's not exactly compelling, dude.
As we just learned in this movie where they could only give him and an owl four seconds.
Why are your lights off in your office?
Are you an editor?
Uh-oh.
This is overacting.
The only way this movie makes a grain of sense is if the man is paralyzed.
He would have to be in a wheelchair, like fucking brief history of time level, speaking in a bullcorder.
Maybe.
And he had to, the rapist would have to be the paralyzed man's only hope for survival.
It's be raped or die.
Then but I would rather die than be raped.
Like to be paralyzed in a chair and have your son rape you?
Hello, cops, kill me.
Have him kill me, kill me now.
But a perfectly fit, middle-aged bleep?
What?
Don't look so scared.
I tell you, Dad, from a poet, I expect more eloquence.
Wow, poetry pays well, doesn't it?
What does he make 200k a year?
What's that house worth, Mil?
What for?
For nothing?
What does the top poet in the world make?
Like, it was probably that first we take Manhattan, Leonard Cohen.
He's probably the most successful poet of all time.
He was probably worth 3 million bucks.
This guy.
You can tell by his book covers, they're self-published.
Where's your money from?
Are you a Coke dealer, Cocoon?
Is that why you allow yourself to get raped?
Because your son's gonna narrow?
That would make more sense.
And that's ridiculous.
What you wrote.
You mean your little autobiography?
All 300 pages of it?
Was that the autobiography?
Or is that a screenplay?
I love you, Dad.
Ooh, you know what would be a trip?
If we're watching the screenplay.
Every time I watch a movie and there's some really complicated thing, they go, how are we going to tell the police?
I always just go, show them this movie.
Then they can see the whole thing.
But this man.
Or another thing that happens sometimes in movies is there'll be some broke waitress down on her luck that's like Christy Brinkley.
And you're like, lady, you should get into modeling.
That makes way more money.
Or acting.
You could play like a waitress in a movie.
You'd be making tons of money.
You don't have to be broke.
And I'm burning this.
And if I see another copy lying around, it's going to be more than a slap on the wrist.
I promise you.
You're burning like five bucks of paper.
If I had a rape victim that I was kid basically kidnapping, I would beat him up after that.
Don't just say...
Hey, is this guy?
This guy still goes to parties and stuff.
Hey, happy new year.
Does he live a normal life?
I'd like to make a toast.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, can you pass the salt?
The salt?
Yeah, can you pass the salt, please?
Okay.
My son's on the cover of a magazine.
Wouldn't it be funny if he married a woman that looked exactly like his dad?
He's making out with his wife, staring at his dad.
By the way, again, this movie's twisted.
I think the premise is ridiculous, but the acting's been pretty good so far.
This has not been Tyler Perry.
Hey, next Tuesday.
Next Tuesday.
Please.
Black tights with white strappy sandals, huh?
You know, I think I'm just gonna help and stay here.
You're gonna what?
Just to help clean.
I mean, this is such a mess we're leaving him with.
It's gonna be okay.
I'm just gonna come home a little bit later, okay?
That's all.
Well, I'll stay to help you clean.
I think that's him.
Now, on the other side of the city, I don't like bats who wakes up and greets the day with enthusiasm and positivity will see the good things on his path because through the power of head.
How do I feel about locked doors?
They appear.
Only you can determine what they're doing.
One, two, three, ten.
What's your top five son who rapes his dad movies?
This is my number one.
Damn it.
I need a BP now.
Okay, so she again.
So she's aware this is happening and she's ignoring it.
Maybe if like you two were illegal aliens trapped in a basement and the son was like this hulking psychopathic like Cape Fear murderer.
But it's a normal middle-class family.
Why the fuck?
How am I supposed to imagine anyone putting up with this shit?
It's hard enough to imagine a family where the father's incestuously raping the daughters and anyone stands by.
That's happened a bunch of times.
I can't wrap my mind around it.
I remember one time my father's family, his siblings, my father was, no one ever touched a hair on his head because he always had straight A's.
He was smart.
So my grandfather never beat him, but the other siblings were stupid and they beat the shit out of my dad's brothers.
He didn't care about the sisters.
And it's funny too, because then on the streets of Glasgow, my uncles wouldn't get touched because they were working class guys that worked in the middle.
But my dad would have a school uniform on, which was like a Klansman uniform in Harlem.
Student was the meanest thing you could say to someone.
So then on the streets, he had to fight every day because of his school uniform, because he got a scholarship to go to university, and that was for students, the 5%.
And Glasgow is so violent, they would just beat up anyone for any reason.
I'm sure albinos got the shit kicked out of them or someone with crossed eyes.
So being a student meant you were unusual and being unusual was a death sentence.
So the boys got, his brothers got beat at home and on the streets.
My dad had to fight in the streets and was safe at home.
Anyway, Maggie, my grandmother, Maggie McInnes, I was saying to my other grandmother, my mom's mom, who was very cool and we were close friends, I said, you know, the fighting that goes on, like Johnny McInnes,
Grandpa McInnis, would punch Alan in the face like a man.
He wouldn't like cuff him upside the head, but he would wind up the way you square off in a ring, get his hips into it and punch him in the face like pow.
And that alarms me.
But then I talk to other people about it and they go, it was a different time then.
You didn't interfere with what a man did.
And my grandmother, the good grandmother, goes, fuck that.
That's ridiculous, by the way.
I don't care who you are, what era you're in.
I could be a bloody cave woman.
And if someone attacks my wings, they're dead.
Who cares when it was?
No one's going to touch my children.
Pretty interesting.
Pretty good point.
So yeah, I don't care what the circumstances are.
Paraplegic, kidnapped, in a camp run by Nazis.
I'm going out in a blaze of glory.
This premise is so ridiculous.
I get 70 milligrams, Nicholas.
I've only got two hands, Doctor.
So use them.
This poor battle is going to diamond flat.
We don't work miracles in fast.
We're not talking to me, Maggie.
We're doing a pressure.
Help me out here.
By the way, I thought you loved your dad.
Why are you raping him all the time?
And don't put on your pants when you got wet legs.
Your pants are going to get soaked.
I'm going to buy my dad this DVD with a big ribbon on it.
And then call him the next day or two days later and go, did you get the movie?
Pretty good, huh?
What's going on there?
I'm guessing their sex life isn't fantastic.
What's this now?
Cocoon.
It's back.
Oh, he didn't burn it.
Oh, he printed out another one.
Well, wait a minute.
You printed out another one, so why'd you show us that stupid scene where you deleted it from your desktop?
Again, incredible house for a poet.
Are you asking me to get upset?
I'm not asking you anything.
Well, I'm asking you.
I can't see anything.
I'm just leaving.
The director needs some lighting.
This is pathetic, Dad.
If you want me to apologize, I'll apologize.
And I am sorry about what happened last night, and I did go too far.
But what about you?
Am I totally alone here?
Am I just this abusive monster and you're some sad, helpless victim?
Yeah.
Not helpless, though.
Or does it take two to tango?
Dude, put the manuscript up the back of your shirt and if I've done anything you've done it with me don't shake your fucking head at me everything I've ever done has been for you and for you and for you and to what end okay so here we go this has all made it worth it wild I'm in the third act we always say and his dad's crying you'll notice his eyes are welling with tears and we finally have the overacting from this particular demographic ask for
Tyler Penn.
That was 10 years ago.
How am I supposed to remember what happened one night?
Prom night, which was ten years ago.
That's a pretty long time to remember.
It started earlier, I know that.
When did it start?
Mom, you're emotional.
I'm emotional.
We are not ourselves.
You don't even know what you're doing.
We're overacting.
Okay, we started out in a normal movie, and now we've decided that we're going for the Oscar, and we're really gonna ramp it up.
So let's go fucking nuts.
The director clearly doesn't know the difference between playing a scene big and playing a scene small, so let's play it big.
Bigger than we've ever played before, mom.
I think I know.
I think I bleed, mom.
I think I'm fucking scared.
Well, I am.
That's never gonna change.
It's never gonna change!
Go, just go.
Exactly what I am trying to say.
Well, I don't.
But I think it's pretty ugly what you seem to be saying, and I think you would agree if you could hear yourself.
I hear my...
You monster.
You killed your own father.
How did you think?
Get off of me!
I'm warning you, Mom.
You don't warn me!
I loved him better than you ever did.
You sick!
Sick ho!
Sick ho!
Wait a minute.
If someone sinks their long fingernails into your eyeballs, that's incredibly painful, I'd imagine.
And you could argue it's like attempted murder or something.
If someone digs their fingernails into your forehead, I mean, I don't like it, but it just, it would barely bleed.
It's not a big deal.
I mean, I would let any woman do that to me for eight bucks.
Can I dig my fore?
Okay, I'm going to have like four little lines, four little dots, four little dashes, four red, sorry, eight red dashes on my forehead for maybe a day.
So sure, give me eight bucks.
You can scratch my forehead.
You sick!
My forehead!
I can't see the eyeballs in my forehead.
Ah, my forehead.
By the way, if someone was raping my spouse, I wouldn't be worried about a knife in them.
I think in a horror movie, you should probably burn the face really bad.
Reaching for a gun.
Reaching for a poker.
Wait.
Could you just pop?
Hold on a sec.
Hold on a sec.
I don't know if you're familiar with fire pokers, but they are not sharp.
Maybe it's because, you know, kids are around where there's a fireplace and they tend...
And they don't have to be sharp.
In fact, you don't want to be sharp because they'd stick in the wood as you're moving the wood around.
So they're very dull.
Very dull at the end.
She just touched him with that and he went flying backwards like he just got hit with a cattle prod.
It is a good baseball bat type weapon.
I'll give you that.
The sheer weight and force will split your head open, but getting poked in the rib with a fire poker that's not hot?
Again, I would let someone do that to me for $1.20.
That one's going to cost you a lot more.
The writer doesn't know what fire pokers are.
You can't stab someone to death with them unless you're the strongest man on earth.
Why are you crying?
He raped your husband.
Ruined your life.
Grab a beer with your friends.
It's party night.
This movie is fucking insane.
How long are they going to sit there?
Cut!
What?
I guess she's culpable.
She turned up the TV.
Probably kill herself, right?
I did.
Ariaster, you're a fucking mental patient.
You are the weirdest person I've ever come across.
And the actors in this film, you are the weirdest bleeps that I've ever seen bleep a bleep.
This is it now?
Pretty good cinematography.
Matthew LaSalle seems to have found the biggest casting by Twinkie Bird.
Okay, so this is it now, right?
Is there sort of a extra scene at the end?
A hidden scene?
Lee!
Shit.
He probably wouldn't do it.
It would probably get old real fast.
And the next thing you know, you're watching a dad rape movie for 40 minutes, which I don't want to do, but we just did.
All right, let's try to cleanse our palate with a mail bag after.
Shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes together.
Let me touch it.
okay, let's see this first one.
Watch Union Worker responds to Biden's threat against AR-14 on YouTube that Joe Biden tried to intimidate.
Joe Biden wants to take my AR-14.
Let's just not tell him what it really is.
Dude, you're awesome, and that's an awesome gun, but this is not exactly a snappy comeback.
Why do you give the president shit?
The president.
The day after.
Yeah.
If someone says you're full of shit, you tell them to fuck off.
You don't go make a commercial the next day.
I'm sure that's not the result of the world.
The day after, you retard?
No, you said I got that the day after.
I got this the day after, fucking.
All right, next.
Captain Pissypants, that's me.
Oh.
You have hurt me today by saying that.
You have hurt me today.
And the concierge of the faggotry zone.
No, he's not the concierge.
He has a concierge, but he is the president, the CEO, the host.
I'm not sure if you've seen this book, but it's called The War on Cops by Heather McDonald.
Would it be possible to get her as a guest on the show?
Dude, I've been talking about The War on Cops and reading it.
And I mentioned how sometimes when I'm looking at it, I go, yeah, I know.
And other times I go, wow, I didn't know it was that bad.
But yeah, it's a fantastic book.
And here's another thing about The War on Cops.
Heather McDonald is a very talented writer.
It's so weird because I keep saying women can't write.
And I do believe that.
But maybe five of my top 10 writers are female.
Those two don't contradict each other.
Chinese people tend to suck at basketball, but Jeremy Lynn is very good.
Your two favorite basketball players could be Chinese, and you could also think the Chinese suck at basketball.
I know, it's counterintuitive.
And then he's got something.
Carmel Police Prevented Worst Tragedy.
Thanks to those that protect and serve.
I don't know.
I don't have time to be reading all that.
This is from Mark.
Hey, Gavin, it seems like censored.tv is imbalanced.
Uh-oh.
You've done a great job adding a diverse cast of talent.
However, they're basically all atheists except for you.
I like a lot of their programming, but I'd be great if you added new host shows.
What about Wayne Dupree?
He's no atheist.
What about Joe Biggs?
Actually, you know what?
Let's quantify that, shall we?
We're going to call Joe Biggs?
No.
Oh.
Here I am going to censor.tv.
Shows.
Get off my lawn.
Christian.
Christian.
Get off my lawn live.
Friday Nights All Right.
Christian.
Copper Cap Show.
Don't know.
Self, don't know.
Biggs, Christian.
Loomer, Jewish.
Larry Barnes, Christian.
Gary, I don't know.
I bet he doesn't know.
Free speech, plenty of Christians on that.
Censored TV presents.
Off the record, Christian.
Mo and I, those are dead shows.
Jacob Wall, is he Jewish?
I don't know.
Jim Goad, atheist.
Atheism, atheist.
So, no, you're wrong, sir.
May I make a suggestion for a possible new host show?
There's a Christian black dude called Adventist Hermes, Justin Wilson.
He does weekly news commentary, blah, blah, blah.
Let's check him out, shall we?
Demands and threats against Nulu businesses in Louisville, Kentucky.
They had put a list of demands saying, Word out.
What's the cameo?
Wow.
Everybody say when you hear those words, you got to move it on your way.
And protesting.
It got really violent where there was actually vandalism done to a Cuban business that wouldn't sign their paper.
And this Cuban business, of course, they understand what socialism is, communism is, and they were not having it.
They're like, look, we just ran from that.
Yes, that's a great idea.
Let me see the views.
Because it has to be like, for him to want to listen to me, he needs to have 800.
If he has 20,000, he's not going to give a shit.
And if he has 143, he's not worth it.
It's about 20,000.
18,000 views.
He's got 72,000 subscribers.
Probably out of my league.
Who knows?
I mean, he's got the Cash App Me, PayPal Me thing on his thing.
So he's looking to make that.
That might be his only income.
Otherwise, he would have a PayPal bank or something.
Write that down on the to-do list.
Adventist Hermes.
Dear Gavin, an imperator, I've never heard that word before.
Of the fag zone.
What's an imperator?
And I'm not asking Ryan.
I've never asked Ryan anything.
I wouldn't ask him 897.
Imperator is the root of the romance language's word for emperor.
Oh.
It's like patriarch for father.
Last November, I found myself in a village, discoteca, in the first world country of Czechoslovakia.
I think we're, the jury's still out on whether we can include Czechoslovakia as a first world country.
Do they have catalytic converters yet?
Or is it still soot everywhere?
While casually standing at the bar with two other friends, a man approached us and began attacking my acquaintance who was standing to the right of me.
What transpired next?
It cost me thousands of dollars and has put me in a position where I am facing up to four years in jail.
What?
I'm an IT professional with a family mortgage car payments.
This can lead to deleterious consequences for not only me, but more importantly, my wife and kid.
I've attached the video.
I'm the man with the hat.
Feel free to view it and come to your own conclusions.
I viciously desire to copulate with you on my heels on.
Jesus H Christ, dude.
So he's the one with the hat on.
I don't see a hat.
Me neither.
I think this is going to take a few views.
Oh, he's all the way to the left, right?
That's the guy with the hat.
I see him.
Where's the guy otherwise?
Yeah, I guess.
An asshole that picks a fight gets headbutted.
In Glasgow, you wouldn't even remember this.
It would be like dropping a pencil and picking it up.
That's it?
Nobody even reacted.
If you pick a fight, and then you get beat up, that's mutual combat.
Is that the end of the video?
Nothing else happens?
Look, go back.
The other people at the bar couldn't care less.
Like, this wasn't a stabbing.
The barmaid is not crying.
Huh, that's fucking nuts, dude.
Wow.
Like, on the one hand, when Kangaroo Jack says, why do you think they're in prison?
They did crimes.
I get that.
But on the other hand, I know a lot of people that went to prison or are in prison for bullshit, excluding Max and John.
Fucking dealing Coke six years, friend of mine did.
Maddie did 10 years overall for dealing pills and then hiding a handgun, giving it to who he thought was a friend to hide, but it was actually a fucking FBI agent.
Okay.
And he was like meters away from the state that it would have been legal in.
Because, you know, in upstate New York, sort of where you are, there's like Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York all together.
So you take a wrong turn and you're living under different laws.
Right.
Anyway.
It's true.
Domestic, I've known of six friends that got shit with domestics and none of them beat their wives.
Not one.
Now, I'm sure it occurs, but my personal experience is every time there's a domestic charge, it's some bitch trying to ruin his life.
All right, we're done.
I could do the mailbag all night.
Okay, let's do this last one, shall we?
And then we gotta go.
All right, Gavin, Queen of the Fag Zone.
I've heard you mention whales thrice now.
I hate the word thrice.
That and whom have got to go.
In the last two episodes, I nearly jizzed my pants.
Just a quick update.
Me and the football boys are off to Cyprus on holiday together, and everything's open.
Things are fucking fine.
And when you get a grip, P.S. Here's my costume tour.
I didn't have the balls to go to his brother.
I didn't have the balls to go to his brother?
You're going as Theo Vaughn?
Who's Theo Vaughn?
The guy that looks exactly like that.
I don't get that joke.
I didn't have the balls to go as his brother.
Fucking...
Wales is the only place in the world where for fun, young men will bash their heads on the kitchen floor to see who can knock themselves out first.
That's Wales in a nutshell.
They are hillbillies.
Rednecks.
All right.
We always end the show with the final video.
This is a great street fight.
It's one of the best street fights I've ever seen in my life.
I could see Kangaroo Jack covering it.
Let's have a look at a guy win three rounds with two knockouts.
You'll be famous.
You look weak, bro.
Black Panther versus Aquaman.
Wait one step.
Wait, one step.
See what happens.
I'm taking one knee for this shit.
Step up.
Step up.
I'll step up.
Do something.
I step up, bro.
Step up.
He's got good arms.
You know when someone picks up the front of their pants, they're getting ready to kick you in the head.
And this guy clearly takes judo or Muay Thai.
The white guy, I mean.
And you can tell the black guy has only ever done hood fighting.
Wait, go back.
Did he knock him out there?
He seemed like he was tased.
You can't go frame by frame, can you?
No.
Unfortunate.
Okay.
Who man is there?
I'm not talking about the kick.
That second left.
Stiff legs.
So he's concussed now.
And he has no equilibrium.
But he's still coming at him.
You get to drop the bomb after that.
And he should have.
Right there, he should have just given me the right.
He's being way too kind.
What a sweet white man.
He gets to say bitch ass bleep.
I think he has a double concussion, actually.
Uh-oh.
Triple?
Okay, there's...
He's been concussed thrice.
I wonder if this is going to finish the record of this.
Walk of the...
What do they call it?
Walk of the Living Dead.
Walking Dead.
If he's holding onto a fire hydrant because the ground is spinning.
But he keeps coming.
Dude, go away.
So here's the weird part.
That's his skateboard in his bag, and now he walks away from his stuff.
What is that move?
Look, this guy can't even stand.
I'm about to kill this nigga.
I'm having a great day.
I needed that.
I'm having a great day.
Hey, you famous, bro.
You famous, baby.
You did it.
Why is he walking away from his stuff with his back to his stuff?
I don't understand that part.
Unless you have friends there to watch your stuff, but I don't think he does.
Because look at this.
I don't know.
He goes back to his stuff, and that makes him mad.
Oh, that was a good...
That's the only good move the black guy's dad had this whole thing.
Gripped his shorts.
What is he doing?
Grabbing his dick?
Get your man, bro!
And he does this again.
Worst punch ever.
Beats him?
Beats him.
The guy just takes endless abuse.
And now he's pulling the hair.
Another reason why men should not have long hair.
Look how lackadaisical everyone else is.
Hey, man, probably stop fighting.
Pay, can you not do that?
People are security scrubs.
Hey, man.
Seth Rogans involved.
Hey man, you guys got to stop fighting.
Oh, elbow to the face.
Kind of McGregor style, that boy.
I wasn't knocked up, but you guys are knocked out.
He's shit.
Let go of his hair, you chick.
Go ahead, pound him out.
Yeah, you should have pounded him out a long time ago.
Why are you not jumping in, bro?
That's your brother.
And chokehold.
Unfortunately, this cuts right when we should watch him getting rang away at chokehold.
But that guy stood up for himself.
And he won.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
And never stop fighting.
And the standard side.
And the top of this unit's right.
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