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July 23, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
31:08
GOML LIVE #57 - JOHNNY DEPP CAN'T ACT

After we realize how weird it is when a dude you used to hang out with has a new friend, we have a close look at Johnny Depp's acting and discover it sucks.

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Time Text
There's a recorder got raspberry jeans waiting and watching.
Oh god, here it comes.
Who's on the side?
Get off my lawn.
A nervous wreck.
Now my tears are gone.
They're gone, gone, gone.
Poohed my pants just about an hour ago.
Sounds like you pooped your pants three seconds ago.
Nope.
But I'll tell you what, I was a lot more cautious.
And I don't know if you know what this says.
This is a sculpture my wife got me when we were dating before we were husband and wife.
And it says here, please be a fart.
Isn't that funny?
Yeah.
And I was talking to her today, and I had kind of a chortling toot, like a God.
And I kind of ignored it, as one does.
And then I'm talking to her in the kitchen and I go, I think I pooed my pants.
And so I pull down, I undo my pants, I lower my drawers, and I see fucking yellow bile.
Oh, God.
And I was like, yep.
And the beauty of three kids and 21 years of marriage is I might as well have said I have a stye in my eye.
Or like, I think I left my hat at the baseball game.
Remember when you said when you fart, a blowjob loses its wings?
What happens when you shit yourself?
I know this is crazy, but it's not as bad.
Wow.
That's so weird.
Yeah.
It's like pity.
You get a pity blowjob for that.
Oh, that was a perfect.
No, it's like when you're in bed and you're with your wife and you're just like, roink, it means like, I don't give a shit what you think of me.
And when you have an accident and you poo your pants with a wet fart and this, you're not lucky, it's more like, it's not bad.
I don't know why.
I can't really explain it.
Farting is like wetting the bed.
But before we talk about important matters of the heart or the fart, we want to give a shout out to our homeboys, Johnny Apple CBD.
This episode is brought to you by Johnny Apple CBD.
Johnny Apple CBD is my CBD because they support free speech and they love America.
Isn't it funny how I called this site free speech.tv and got sued and wasn't allowed to say that?
So now we're censored.
Crazy.
Right now, my listeners get 20% off all Johnny Apple CBD products with promo code Gavin.
Go to jacbd.com, promo code Gavin.
Feel great and support Patriot-owned business, jacbd.com, promo code Gavin.
And again, the stuff they have.
You have the gummies.
If you have the gummies with coffee, you don't have the edge.
You can have the gummies before bed.
You sleep a lot better.
The tincture also takes the edge off coffee.
Pot has a lot of good stuff besides the THC.
This has all the good stuff.
And I don't know why this works, but the topicals, when you're sore from working out, which I haven't been doing because it's, as the New York Post described, hell week.
It thunderstormed today, so it's 73 degrees in the city right now.
But today was brutal.
It's like you walk out the door and you're in someone's mouth.
You're in their cheeks.
You Puerto Ricans probably love this shit.
It's pretty cool.
Pretty awesome, right?
That's why you're wearing a sweatshirt.
Yeah, I don't mind it.
I like it.
You like going on a bike ride today in the sweltering sun?
Yes.
Why?
Feels good.
You're like Jim Goad.
It feels like you're alive.
No, it feels like you're wet.
That's why all these countries along the equator haven't done anything because it's too hot to accomplish anything.
I just got back from my son's baseball game.
It got rained out.
I had to jump in my car and drive to the city.
I don't like the city.
I'm scared here now, to be honest.
A, because I've been portrayed as Satan.
So if anyone who's remotely politically active sees me, they're going to stab me.
Like I was watching the Portland riots and I was thinking, if I just showed up there in a Fred Perry, was like, hey, everyone, let's try to take it down a notch.
Trump's got a lot of good qualities.
I wouldn't just be murdered.
I would be like ripped apart.
It would be like the Benghazi murder where they dragged him along the streets.
Like I would just be a torso.
Yeah, that is weird to think about, but that's true.
They'd rip out like chunks of my hair until there was like bald patches.
They'd stab me, punch me.
My face would be like that.
They'd be kicking my unconscious body.
Like it would be fucking dark.
I'd be shot.
It'd be like a scene from Natural Born Killers when their head's on the pipe.
Remember that?
No.
You like shitty movies.
I don't.
It's a famous thing.
So yeah, I'm not comfortable.
I mean, we park in the parking garage, and I got to admit, my haunches are up when I walk around this city.
But anyway, before that, I went to this bar and something super weird happened.
You ready for this?
You know, when you fuck a chick back when you're single and you're like, man.
And she's sort of, it's just not there.
There's times when the opposite is true.
Like I remember this girl I had zero in common with.
I thought she was an imbecile.
And when we kissed, fireworks.
Dude, it was crazy.
I don't even know if she felt the same way, but all I know is I would kiss her and almost die.
It was Chris Angel.
Wait, that circle is in the actual video, or did you add that?
That's in the actual video.
Of course, those who are not familiar with the show, that was Chris Angel claiming that he went off a ramp, for some strange reason went through explosives and then landed in that cage that was suspended hanging off a helicopter.
He doesn't explain why he had a seatbelt on, how he got out of the car, which has a roof, and then like he opened the door and then went in.
Was it locked?
So I like with magic, you're supposed to be saying something.
Like I can make this pen disappear.
Whoops, I'm magic.
So the subtext is, I guess I just made the atoms vanish.
So I guess he's saying I separated my molecules, left the car, and then went into a thing.
The helmet and the clothes also, I don't know.
Like he should be nude in the jail thing, in the cage.
Don't you think?
To get out all of his clothes, yeah.
Yeah.
And bald.
And backwards.
Backwards.
And his butt should be his dick, and he should have a dick where his butt is.
Anyway, this is weird.
So then later on at the bar, maybe like a week later, you see that same girl.
She's a little pudgy.
And you see her with this guy.
He's usually Hispanic.
Let's be honest.
And they're having a great time.
And you're sort of part of you is like, oh, good.
Okay.
So she's doing okay.
But then part of you is sort of going, oh, alrighty.
So I guess we didn't work out and you're moving on.
Alrighty.
Meanwhile, it didn't work.
So I saw that today at my local with a dude.
I had a dude.
Yep.
Ex-cop.
We got along pretty good, but not great.
Then he said we should go riding and we went riding a couple times.
And then the dates sort of spaced out a little more.
And he was at my party, but he's only there for a short amount of time.
And then today I see him at our bar with a new boyfriend.
Unreal.
And it's that guy who's the EMT who thinks he's a biker and has all the patches on his leather vest.
I don't know if you know who I'm talking about.
And he walks with a weird sort of a gait like this.
I think so.
He's a dud.
And I was like, wow, this happens in the straight world.
I'm having a fat chick experience as a 50-year-old man with a dude.
It hurts even more because you're like, dude, I don't even get to bang you.
It's just like the endless date part.
It doesn't hurt.
No, it's just awkward because now this is a guy I've had like five times.
You've probably been to this bar and we've sat together and drank a beer.
He's sitting with his new friend.
And coincidentally, that particular time, Jack was busy and he was drunk from playing golf with those guys.
They were the thing.
And then there was Al who's kind of mentally ill.
So I was kind of alone just looking at infomercials like on the TV screen.
Oh man, that's sad.
I feel not sitting with them.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like if you showed up with your friend, I would go, oh, Ryan's here.
And I would walk over and make fun of you or something.
But I can't do that because he's on a date.
Oh, that's so weird.
So we've, so it's, it's one thing for a male relationship not to work out, but for the guy to move on and then rub it in your fucking face.
No, but to be at the same location, it's so bizarre.
That is very weird.
I think that as a married man, you still have these sort of instincts, these monogamous instincts, and they have nowhere to go.
So you end up like shunned by a dude.
Or there was that chick at the liquor store that I thought that was very, very friendly.
This is actually an episode of King of Queens where he thinks the waitress likes him.
Oh, yeah, and she's super friendly, and she was from Canada too.
And I'd be like, well, it's cold out, but not cold for us.
Canadian t-shirt weather.
I'm hot.
Yeah, I'll just get a maker's mark.
Thank you.
She already knows what you want.
And then I would see her talking to other people and also being friendly.
And I'd sort of be like, oh, fucking whore.
How dare you?
You're anyone's dog for a bone?
The fuck.
Just because he has money and wants to be aware of that.
And we're obviously not about to elope.
She's probably married today.
But you just like you have the same instincts you've always had, but they have nowhere to go.
So you're like, my friend is cheating on me with a new friend.
And the woman at the liquor store is my girlfriend.
That sounds sad and awkward.
This sounds very good.
It's just weird.
I got a burrito made today and, you know, like they had you on one-on-one kind of burrito experience?
Jew one-on-one?
It's a Jewish.
So you sit there with avocado or what?
I actually went to a Hasidic Jew Mexican restaurant once with Ron Coleman.
Yeah.
It's all kosher.
That's pretty cool.
It was weird.
No dairy, no sour cream.
Oh, that's a bummer, though.
Anyway, sorry, go ahead.
So I see him down the street because I get some other stuff and I see him again and I just, even him, I give him a nod to.
Hey, what's up, guy who made my burrito?
So you were in a thick level of awkwardness when you're in a bar.
Doesn't that kind of make you want to leave?
Because you can't go up to him after a certain time.
Well, I was lucky because I had the kids' baseball game.
Oh.
So gotta go.
He could also say, oh, you're having a drink here.
Why don't you call me?
And I could say, oh, you have some free time.
Because we had said, let's get a beer.
Did you say, hey?
Oh, yeah.
He said, hey, how you doing?
I saw him at my party.
So, how you doing?
To see you.
I was like, oh, hey.
So you got a new best pal.
Maybe he saw you at the party talking to other people and being more friendly with them.
No, I think he'd already broken up with me.
The other thing, too, is you think that you dumped someone, but sometimes they dumped you.
And you didn't know it.
Yeah.
Because he said at his party, he's like, oh, my dog is really sick.
I got to put him down on Monday, so I want to be with him.
I was like, dude, it's Saturday.
And now I think he's just making excuses.
It's terrible.
That's terrible.
That's terrible.
It's hilarious.
Darman owns live glam makeup.
That's right.
So.
A friend pointed out also his due to his eyebrows, suspiciously nice eyebrows.
Maybe he's the gay kid in the video.
Wasn't that his wife?
Yeah, well.
You know, Middle Easterners, whatever he is, they're a little too intense, aren't they?
Like the nose is out there and the nostrils are in your face, and then there's the stubble and the fucking eyebrows.
It's a lot of face.
It's kind of like a parody of a human face.
Yeah, it's like a drawing of a face where someone spent too much time on it.
I feel like we've said all of this before.
One of the things I like about being white is we're just like a nose, some eyes, a little mouth.
Yeah.
Like your face is way too much.
You got like 340 teeth, some big jungle nose.
It's TMI.
You have like four faces.
A lot of teeth.
And when I, and that's why you do so well at Halloween because I just put white makeup on you and people shit bricks because they're like, what is this fucked up, weird 32 faces in one face?
Like, show your face.
I guess you got like 90 races.
You're like Fred Armison.
Like, what is that nose?
It looks like the back of a car.
It's like a bumper.
No, like everything, the entire back of a car.
And then those teeth.
Like, it looks like a teeth sample catalog where here's the different, here's the 340 teeth you can have.
Tell me, just show me some of the ones you like.
And they're like, no, these are all in one face.
Do look rather bizarre.
And I don't even know what color.
What color is this?
It's not really tan, is it?
It's like chink pink.
Yeah, it is pink, chink-ish.
It's not yellow.
Just say what I said, but reverse the words.
Express VPN, by the way, has saved our ass because, as you know, there's a war against free speech, but also me and anyone who associates with me, anyone who serves me groceries.
In fact, like I joked about serving groceries, but a guy who fixed my computer in my little town got a boycott and he went bankrupt.
Right.
This is before COVID or anything.
Great guy.
So I have leprosy.
Don't touch me.
But Virgin, I believe, and Sky in New Zealand and Britain had shut us down and parts of Australia.
So even though you were a subscriber, you could not watch the videos.
I think you could if you were somewhere else at an internet cafe, but if you were at a virgin provider, you couldn't watch the show you had paid to see behind a paywall.
What the fuck is that?
You should be able to see everything but kiddie porn.
Like you can watch the most like if you're a Nazi and you sign up for some anti-Semitic like Holocaust show, fine.
It's none of my beeswax.
Anyway, that's probably not the best analogy.
But ExpressVPN, since people have signed up for it, has saved their ass and they can watch the show, which, by the way, is not a racist or even a far-right show, but it has been deemed as such because we're pro-Trump and pro-cop and that's against the DNC.
We use expressvpn.com/slash gavin because expressvpn.com is the best.
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We're being watched.
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And we used to think that's just for pedophiles, right?
Or someone who wants to murder their wife.
But we're at a point now where you're getting canceled.
You are getting canceled.
I like to play this game with people where I say, it doesn't work with my phone, obviously, because my contacts are kind of edgy.
But I go, pick up your phone, go through your recent calls, and I bet the person or a near relative, a mom, a wife, a son, has had some cancel moment where they did something wrong and someone mistook what they said for the N-word and they're fucked.
It is a disaster.
By the way, to cheer you up, I know you just got broken up with.
And I didn't get you anything physical for your birthday.
I got broken up with a chick I didn't want to fuck anymore, by the way.
This is pretty intense.
I don't know if we can...
No, we definitely can't...
I would not read this.
What about the audacity of him coming to my bar after we break up?
This, my friend, is a very special thing.
Now, somebody that I know is the flag that was behind President Donald Trump while he was making the Mount Rushmore speech.
No fucking way.
It's a piece of history.
That was an amazing speech.
Pull it up.
It's an amazing speech.
Was there only one flag or was this one of many?
There was one of many.
Not to dilute the gift.
Thank you very much.
Are you not allowed to say who this is?
No, no.
It's because we're exactly why you just said.
Thanks, stranger.
But yeah, it's.
Oh, so it's one of these.
That's right.
Oh, that's fucking cool.
That's crazy, right?
Thanks.
So, I mean, I did nothing but pass.
Michelle Malcolm is the flag expert.
She knows all the rules.
Is it bad for me to put this in front of my house on my flagpole?
I would ask her.
Like, should this go somewhere special?
Isn't it supposed to be in a diamond shape?
I think that's if it's a soldier's.
I said to her once, can I put an American flag sticker on my laptop?
And she goes, nah, I don't think so.
I mean, you're going to be putting coffee on that.
It's going to get dirty.
Anything where the flag gets desecrated, you don't want to do.
Then I checked out her Twitter profile.
In it, she has a motherfucking American flag as her laptop sticker.
Wow.
And I just said Et2 Blue Time.
Well, maybe it came from experience.
Like from experience, I regret it.
No, the time zones are years off.
Under the executive order I signed last week pertaining to the Veterans Memorial Preservation and Regulation.
You know what we love about Trump?
The more shit he gets in, the less cautious he is.
Like you beat a dog and it either starts to go and starts biting people or it just is cowed and he starts biting people.
Like I think just yesterday, maybe it was even today.
Biden called him a racist and he goes, I've done more for black people than anyone.
And you think, are you going to say Martin Luther King?
And he goes above Martin Luther King and he goes, maybe, perhaps Abraham Lincoln.
But I've done more for black people than anyone.
Why do you got to stay so hydrated?
Are we doing the mutter rucker fucking thing?
Tough mutter?
Tough mutter.
Like, we're not in Arizona, dude.
It's raining outside.
It's 70 degrees.
Maybe you're so hydrated.
I sweat a lot because I went out into the bike sun.
You went into the bike, son.
Nice.
Why are you wearing a sweatshirt if you're sweating?
I know this isn't what you want, and I'm sorry.
So, Darman owns Live Glam.
Yeah.
And by the way, this somebody made that.
That's nice.
That sucks.
My silence on the cover of a magazine.
You did that.
That looks like yours.
I did not.
Garbage Photoshop.
I did not.
I thought it was pretty funny.
I went to see Natalie Gomez last night.
She was our girl, our friend, fighting in Vegas.
She lost, but it looked great to me.
I'm not good with boxing.
Like, I see them in there, unless there's a knockout.
I just go, no, sorry.
I'm fucking up.
Gonzalez.
Okay.
Boxer.
Yeah, she had a big fight in Vegas.
They went eight rounds.
Okay, you win.
There it is.
Oh, good.
It's up.
That's my girl in the green.
This Mexican, this Montreal chick, though.
I mean, these people are just ninjas.
Like, Natalie works at Home Depot.
She's got two kids.
She can only train maybe a couple hours a day.
Sorry, not good enough.
You need to train about five hours a day when you're at this level.
But she got clipped a few times.
I guess she lost.
I was at the bar.
Some guys from my gym said, let's go watch Natalie.
So I go, okay.
One of them goes, I don't know.
He's a beast.
He looks like he's just a monster, right?
And I had an epiphany about him.
Tommy, we call him.
I call him Tommy Fatso.
He's a huge, hulking dude who boxes.
So he looks like a murderer and he intimidates people.
So to counter that, he's super nice, but he's too nice.
And I go, Tommy, because he was talking to that dud at my party who always asked, who kept asking, what do you do for a living?
I'm telling you, folks, anyone who talks about their job or asks you about your job is a dud.
It's like the same as astrology.
Just get the hell out of there.
Because you're having your, it's leisure.
Why do you want to know what I paid in tax last year?
Should we talk about property tax and capital gains and other unfun shit that I do in the daytime?
It's quiet.
Yeah, no, it's quiet for him.
Anyway, Tommy must have given him 40 minutes of his time.
I was like, you were talking to the worst guy at this entire party.
And it's a very high-quality party as far as dudes go.
There was only two duds.
And he's a great, I talked to him for a while about movies.
He's a high-quality guy.
High quality.
High quality.
Great stories.
Grew up in Brooklyn.
Great fight stories about South Brooklyn.
Anyway, I go, you lost your dick.
You're so determined not to be a dick that your dick's gone.
I got to put your dick.
I got to put the dick back in you.
I don't know if it's from behind how I'm going to get it in there.
This sounds very gay.
We got to get the dick back in you because you're wasting your life.
Anyway, he goes, Tommy Fatso, who's a giant who I've fought a hundred times that it's he uses maybe 1% of his strength.
And I have AIDS by the end.
And he goes, I don't know.
There's a lot of like hooligans there at that bar.
I go, dude, it's a cop bar.
We'll be with cops.
What's going to happen?
You're going to get stabbed?
So he doesn't come.
And then the guy who set up the night, Shug, guess what happened to him?
He got too high on edibles.
These are guys my age, by the way.
So he gets to the front door and then he sees the sign that says must have a mask.
Meanwhile, they have tons of masks in there.
You walk in, they give you masks.
And he goes, oh, I don't have a mask.
Oh, fuck.
I could ask for one, but everyone's going to know I'm stoned.
He went home.
Oh, man.
Luckily, I was with the awesome cop dude who had great stories.
Dude, our neighborhood, well, I should say the neighborhood my bar is in, I mean my gym.
There was a shooting last night.
Two nights ago, there was a hammer attack.
This is in New Rochelle.
There was a hammer attack.
While the guy was getting pounded with a hammer, another dude was standing with his gun sideways going, step back, step back.
What?
You're going to let this happen.
Made sure there was no one interrupting the hammer attack.
Whoa.
No news.
They'd rather show you some moms in Portland singing Kumbaya.
Dude, New York is on fire.
What was there the other day?
In the past nine days, there's been 114 shot.
Something like that, yeah.
I forgot.
It was a tweet that I saw because it's, I don't know if you can get those figures.
That's like 10 shootings a day that connected over July 4th.
Yeah, that's nothing.
It's gotten way worse since then.
July 4th was 100 years ago.
40 people shot and killed, did it say, or shot 40 people were shot and three killed.
That's nothing.
That's kiddly winks.
Tiddlywinks.
Early July, also in the news, I forgot the number of these, but Michael Graves, ex-Misfits frontman, not Danzig, has been canceled.
And I saw this article by Christian Long.
Now, remember Justin Long?
He's in a bunch of movies.
I think he was the Mac guy when there was the Mac and PC commercials.
Now, when I did commercials with Rooster, we had an ad agency and Rooster Worldwide, we were called.
We hired Christian Long.
Not Justin Long, but his brother Christian Long.
Is that the same?
This better not be the same Christian Long.
Anyway, he writes that Michael Graves, what's the article say?
Misfits alum, Michael Graves, ripped for joining Proud Boys hate group and supporting Donald Trump.
And then he goes, Proud Boys are known for their white nationalist, anti-Muslim, and anti-Semitic rhetoric memes.
He had memes at the end.
Now, this is what the SPLC says.
They go, they share Nazi memes.
They just mean spicy jokes.
So they dare to share rude jokes and maintain affiliations with known extremists.
I don't, what does that mean?
Like you maintain an affiliation with David Duke?
How do you maintain an affiliation?
Remember the group have previously appeared alongside other hate groups at extremist gatherings, namely Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, North Carolina back in 2017.
Yes, there were three dudes there.
They were all kicked out.
They didn't know what the fuck it was.
Lots of people didn't.
And by the way, Unite the Right was initially pitched as a save the statues rally.
And people said, I don't know, this taking out statues thing, it could lead to trouble.
That's not looking so crazy now, is it?
Now, I believe it's a lie.
And I think they pretended it was about statues, but they ultimately had a Nazi plan with Jews will not replace us and the tiki torches and all that.
But I believe it was a Fed move.
I think they said, let's suck in everyone remotely right-wing into this rally, pretend it's about statues, turn it into a Nazi thing.
Hopefully someone like Heather Heyer will die and a bunch of people will get arrested.
We'll have the cops not do anything and we can just turn, just push everyone on the sort of right off a Nazi cliff.
That's what I believe happened.
The guy behind it, Jason Kessler, told me personally that he's not alt-right.
He lied.
And I called him out on my show for that.
And he was an Occupy Wall Street guy.
He voted for Obama.
I don't really buy that he went violently right-wing in a few years.
I think he's a fed.
And it was always funny at Proud Boy meetups when we'd suspect guys were feds because we don't sit there burning crosses and stuff.
We read from Pat Buchanan's Death of the West.
We air our gripes.
It's exactly like Knights of Columbus meetings.
I can't tell you about, but you could probably guess.
There's nothing drastic going on.
And we always joke that the feds who show up will probably report to their boss and go, yeah, it's a lot deeper than I thought.
I'm going to have to stay around.
Like you just drink beers with cool dudes once a month and make fart jokes.
So it's probably the greatest gig, especially if you're like infiltrating the pagans or the Hell's Angels or the Mongols.
And you know at any moment someone's going to find out and pop a cap in your head.
Head?
Pop a cap in your head.
What was that?
I can't believe I just said pop a cap in your head.
Yeah, that was old.
I'm 50.
That was old.
That was the oldest thing you've seen.
I shit my pants two hours ago and I said pop a cap in your head.
We might be able to talk to Mikael Graves.
Is it Mikhail or Michael Graves?
Yeah, we should have him on the show.
You don't mean tonight, do you?
Let me see.
Let's not complicate the show.
Okay.
So post-roll, we're about to go behind the paywall now.
Post-roll, we're going to plug the Blades movie, RealAwakening, at realawakening.com.
This episode was brought to you by Blades, the movie from RealAwakening.com.
Check out the comedy Blades at realawakening.com.
These guys support censored.tv, so we support them.
Realawakening.com.
Check out the movie Blades.
What's the URL to see that?
RealAwakening.com slash Blades.
And Real is R-E-E-L.
Yes.
Like a movie reel.
Bonk in the nuts.
Good deke.
Oh no.
He's getting it.
And then when we do the callers, which will be at 10 p.m., two pairs of hashi socks.
Go to hashiwear.com, promo code Gavin, 20% off.
And then the second caller also gets two pairs of fucking socks.
Can you believe that?
All right.
We're going to look at some funny videos, including Johnny Depp doing a bad zombie dance.
But you can't see it because you don't pay.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
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