Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E149 - THE PANDEMIC IS OVER [2020-04-13 - S02E149 - THE PANDEMIC IS OVER]

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April 13, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:38:54

S02E149 - THE PANDEMIC IS OVER [2020-04-13 - S02E149 - THE PANDEMIC IS OVER]

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	I am drunk.
	Not a normal kind of drunk.
	I'm a drunk where you're so hungover.
	Burn!
	I call for a supernatural heat wave straight out of hell.
	So this is going to be a tough job you're not going to enjoy it.
	I'm not going to enjoy it.
	This is important for both of us.
	Let's just treat it like we're landing a board.
	You were bitten by a bot fly and it has its larvae in your head and we have to squeeze out that larva.
	Larvae?
	Larvae?
	With tweezers.
	You know how you get a bot fly out of your head?
	You cover that with Vaseline.
	This is in my hit book, Death of Cool, where the guy was looking at my place, looking after my place in Costa Rica, got bitten by a bot fly and didn't care.
	Didn't bother him.
	And I go, as I explained in the book, I go, Robert, you have an insect that is breeding.
	It's being born.
	It's going to come out of your head and fly away.
	You'll be the mother.
	You will be the mother of this fucking thing.
	He's like, ah, eh.
	So he tried a bunch of remedies.
	I talked to a farmer there because cows get them all the time.
	It's a fly that lays its eggs in your skin.
	And if you go on YouTube, you can see people pulling them out.
	Oh my God, they're the most disgusting thing in the universe.
	I can't believe I chose this while hungover.
	And so the local farmers told me that what they do is they rub Vaseline on the area and then the larvae can't breathe.
	So it comes out.
	And when it came out, it was fluorescent pink with dark black hairs sticking out of it.
	And so he did that.
	He woke up the next morning.
	It was hanging out of his head, dead, suffocated.
	And he just sort of went, pulled it out.
	Oh, I can't look at that.
	Was there a huge hole?
	Yeah.
	It's a very big larvae.
	Oh, my Lord in heaven above.
	Stop watching.
	I've seen that before.
	But he just pulled it out and he dropped it on the shower and just let it be.
	Anyway, that was a hit song, COVID-19, by these evangelical priests who say they're going to use their incredible powers to stop the pandemic.
	Well, I've got some good news for you.
	It worked.
	It's over.
	We're done.
	Fuck this.
	I can't convince my wife to let my kids have play dates yet, but I would happily let them play with their friends.
	Maybe not like a fucking huge party, but they're select friends.
	They're fine with it.
	You know what I did yesterday?
	I started going to bars.
	I know dudes who own bars.
	I went to them.
	We stayed six feet apart.
	I don't know why.
	I don't care anymore.
	I was shaking hands.
	Fucking.
	I'm done.
	And guess what else, Ryan?
	I don't know if I announced this to you yet.
	We're going to Manhattan tomorrow.
	I talked to the landlord.
	He said it's illegal for him to not let me go.
	I pay rent.
	That's my property.
	So we won't have a security guy.
	If you're thinking of killing us, by the way, this is your...
	But I'm sick of this standing in front of a fucking green screen.
	I want my desk back.
	I want my city back.
	And my city's back.
	This is done.
	This is over.
	If you're old, you should probably maybe still quarantine.
	I don't really give a shit.
	Speaking of makers, Mark, I was riding my bike with my kid the other day.
	And it was getting late.
	It was like 5.36.
	I thought, liquor stores are going to close soon.
	It's Saturday.
	But I don't want to not ride my bike with my little kid, especially because he just discovered how much he loves riding a bike.
	He goes, dad, I get so much wind.
	Meaning, like when he goes fast, it's windy.
	And he got really good at it.
	In just like a week, he's zipping around, going on trails.
	And so I go, I call Ryan.
	I go, Ryan, can you go downstairs because you live above a liquor store?
	You could, if you don't want to go downstairs, you could just take a sledgehammer and smash through the floor and go get some.
	But anyway, can you pick me up a bottle?
	And then I'll just buy it off you, you know, later tonight.
	I show up later on after riding my bike with my kid.
	And it's probably 7 p.m.
	Ryan's asleep.
	I felt ugly.
	I felt gay.
	He naps.
	I don't know if you know this about him, but he regularly naps.
	I haven't taken a nap.
	I've passed out from drinking too much, but I haven't taken a nap in centuries.
	Even if I stay up all night, I'll just stay up that day and maybe crash at like 10 p.m.
	But you were napping.
	Can we see your stupid, hideous, dumb.
	regenerates you and then when you wake up and you're like...
	That's how you feel when you greet the world.
	Let's see your stupid face so people can know why I hate you.
	Adjust your bangs.
	Yeah, I need to.
	Tease your bangs a little bit.
	Yeah.
	Go like that.
	Tease the sides of your hair.
	So you were asleep.
	And then it gets worse, gentlemen.
	I had a Lyme scene crash.
	It gets worse.
	So I go, what the fuck are you doing?
	Did you get the liquor?
	And he goes, oh, no.
	They're open until 9.
	What was I doing?
	And I go, where do you get that from?
	And he goes, Oh, it says on their website.
	Yeah.
	Shithead.
	Has it occurred to you that people are not following their normal hours?
	Um, the change of hours have been on the cigar.
	I just did that.
	It's a little thing.
	Is that a joke?
	No, it's fun.
	Spicy.
	So he's following the Google whatever hours.
	No one is following those hours.
	Go to any store and they have a piece of paper that says Saturdays we close at six.
	Mondays, we're closed for this time.
	Depending on the level of boomer, the cigar shop, that deli, they have adjusted them.
	What?
	That's what I'm saying.
	No, they have on Google, but not with papers.
	I think wine tasters and a couple others have not made it to the Google thing, but the cigar shop, they changed it as per their new hours per coronavirus per.
	Shut up.
	I asked you to do me a favor and you fucked me up AS.
	And you didn't get it from the other liquor store, which was open?
	Who?
	Are you going to puke?
	Please don't.
	Oh, that went down the wrong pipe.
	Oh my God.
	Oh.
	Whew, that's why it's important to be an alcoholic during pandemics because I just poured alcohol into my lungs.
	That's good.
	They're getting cleaned out right now like a bleach wipe.
	The other song I was thinking of choosing for that intro is Kevin James.
	I just discovered his YouTube.
	I love Kevin James.
	I think King of Queens is one of the most underrated shows.
	Yes, it was a mainstream comedy hit.
	But it's written like Louis C.K. I remember before Patton Oswald had Trump derangement syndrome, I almost had him coming over to our side, and I said, feel the force, Luke.
	Every time he'd get on some argument on Twitter with someone about free speech or someone that was offended, I would go, I would just DM him, feel the force around you, Patton.
	You're coming to our side.
	And he goes, yeah, and now they're making fun of me for being on King of Queens.
	And I go, that doesn't make sense.
	That show was fucking hilarious.
	Anyone who's watching it and thinks it sucks or makes fun of you for being on it is wrong.
	It's so well written that I asked my fucking, back when I was pitching TV, I asked my TV guys, what the fuck's going on with King of Queens?
	How is it so good?
	And they go, yeah, they have very high quality writers that shouldn't have to write for sitcoms, but they're on their third marriage.
	They need the alimony, so they just fucking do it and write this masterpiece.
	But just to show you how fantastic Kevin James is, during a pandemic, I don't know how he did this with his lighting.
	He must have the best After Effects people on earth.
	He added himself into a Starsborn.
	Thank you to the viewer who sent this in, by the way.
	He's the sound.
	How did he do that, Ryan?
	That looks like it was actually created.
	That's not a green screen behind him.
	Like, those are guys behind him.
	Oh.
	No, those are not.
	He didn't.
	It's a pandemic.
	He just put this out.
	Those are guys behind him.
	I don't think so.
	So you think in the movie there's just a shot of two guys standing there?
	They've zoomed in on some.
	Look how blurry they are.
	Maybe they just zoomed in on a segment?
	I've never seen this movie.
	I'm not a chick.
	Turn it up.
	Now he's trying to encourage Lady Gaga to get up there.
	can do this.
	In all the good times I find myself longing for change.
	But she doesn't have the courage.
	So Kevin is going to have to go.
	Tell me something more.
	How did he do this?
	That shot was amazing.
	That was pretty good.
	I'm falling in all the good things.
	I think he just paid some After Effects genius, like, five grand.
	For change.
	And in the bad times I fear myself.
	I'm off the deep end.
	Watch as I dive in.
	Cover my feet.
	Kevin James has that John Belushi thing where you just look at his face and you smile.
	Thank you.
	Thank you.
	In the shadow.
	Wait, come on.
	That is epic.
	That is epic.
	In the shallow.
	How do you get Lady Gaga out of the audio?
	It's just Bradley Cooper and him.
	I guess you get the instrumental and then you blend it with his singing parts.
	Yeah, but I think Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are both singing this part together.
	Maybe he talked to the producers and got the individual track.
	Maybe, right?
	I love that he loves the Mets.
	And now he goes back to doing sound.
	Got it, kid.
	I gotta say, this is the only boner I've ever had from Lady Gaga.
	I hate the way it's just said.
	Lady Gaga.
	Lady Gaga.
	But have you noticed that, by the way, besides her in this movie, gorgeous woman, young, sexy, voluptuous, incredibly talented, obviously phenomenally wealthy.
	Nothing.
	Zilch.
	Do you feel that way?
	I'm too used to her.
	But here's why I think she's a little special here.
	She looks a lot like Scarlett Johansson right there.
	She looks normal.
	I just like that she looks normal.
	Maybe it's because she's such like a fag hag slut that you're just like, eh, you're garbage.
	You ruined yourself.
	Right.
	Yeah.
	But I feel the same way about Katy Perry.
	She's a beautiful woman.
	I should have a boner.
	And I just look down and my dick's like, sorry, no, thank you.
	Like, I honestly, this is going to sound crazy.
	I don't think I could get it up for Lady Gaga or Katy Perry.
	I would need Blue Chew.
	Oh, you got to see the Time Machine Diaries too.
	That's really good stuff.
	Also in the music news, the Strokes finally put an album out.
	I know them.
	We were neighbors upstate.
	David Cross bought a bunch of land upstate, and I built a house on it.
	And then Albert Hammond, the Strokes were big David Cross fans.
	So Albert came and he moved just down the block.
	And it was a little fucking hipster enclave.
	Just find the Strokes new album.
	It's not in the notes.
	And I texted him on Friday and go, dude, this is a fucking masterpiece.
	You know, most bands have four or five good albums in them.
	And the Strokes got cut short by heroin, Albert Hammond's heroin addiction.
	It's called The New Abnormal.
	And he admits freely.
	In fact, I think he said, hey guys, sorry I wrecked the band.
	Which, what do you say to that?
	Okay.
	But same thing with the Sex Bistles, by the way.
	They had Never Mind the Bollocks, and then Sid ruined everything with his fucking heroin.
	That was the end of that.
	But this album is such high quality, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to discuss this band.
	Such a unique sound.
	It's like Bob Marley.
	It just sounds so simple when you hear it.
	You feel like you've heard it before.
	This whole album sounds like The Greatest Hits.
	The Bass Camp picture there.
	First song is making me sound pretty gay.
	That's Basquiat?
	The painting is Basquiat, yes.
	Now show footage of the strokes while I talk.
	And you can look up this album on your own, The New Abnormal.
	But it reminded me of my history with the strokes.
	They came out in the early aughts.
	And you have to understand that at that time, guitars were considered over.
	Rock had been dead for a long time.
	It was all rave and EMD and massive attack, you know, and tricky and all this shit.
	They said they'd had a funeral for the guitar.
	So to start a rock band was unheard of.
	And like the rap and dance music was so big that when these guys came out, people went, what the fuck are those wood things in their hands with the strings?
	And I remember dudes in New York would make fun of them because they were all rich kids.
	And what's his name?
	Julian's dad, the singer, he ran a Ford modeling agency.
	And me and my buddy Trevor were like, what the fuck?
	I'm not making fun of someone because they're rich and their dad runs a modeling agency.
	What the fuck?
	That's awesome.
	You're rich and young in New York City.
	Congratulations.
	That's really cool.
	Ha ha, your dad runs a modeling agency, really?
	What does your dad do?
	How fucking cool is that?
	I assume you have tens just hanging around the house like cats on furniture.
	You know how you can tell this is like from the early aughts?
	How?
	Because the, well, like the quality.
	They were around for the time for the quality to still be kind of shitty.
	I think from this point on, there's no way that you would tell something's dated.
	Well, back then, you wouldn't have a camera on your phone.
	You had your phone, and then you had a digital camera, like the elf, in another pocket.
	Yeah.
	Sony handy cam or whatever?
	There's Albert.
	So one time when Vice was bankrupt, we came to New York and we were part of kind of this Bernie Madoff type of thing.
	This guy who bought us didn't really have the millions he was spending.
	Anyway, we're stuck in a warehouse in Brooklyn and we have no money.
	And so I started freelance writing.
	And I would write for NME in Britain and The Face and a bunch of British magazines because I needed the scratch, dude.
	So NME goes, you know, the strokes.
	Can you go, they're playing at Cleveland, a show in Cleveland.
	You know, that's where the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is.
	Can you go down there?
	So I go down there.
	Cleveland is, I apologize if we have any Cleveland viewers, but it's the worst.
	I can't believe people have to live in that fucking city.
	Cleveland does not rock.
	So I go to meet them, and they go, yeah, we're really tired, man.
	Let's meet like in about eight hours.
	So I go, what?
	But our appointment's now.
	And they go, yeah, we can't meet until like an hour before the show.
	Oh, for fuck.
	So fucking.
	So I go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is ridiculous, by the way.
	It's just like pants.
	Like, here's Bono's shirt that he wore on tour.
	And you can see a picture of him wearing this shirt.
	That's nice.
	What am I in his fucking closet now?
	Here's Prince's pants.
	Oh, wow.
	Here's Prince's guitar.
	Ooh, what?
	Can I play it?
	Why are you showing me this?
	So I got so fucking drunk.
	It was brutal.
	Like, I had a tape recorder, and everyone hates the sound of their own voice, but you got to hear the sound of your own voice drunk.
	It is enough to send you to AA.
	So I'm interviewing them, and I can hear it on the tape later where I'm just like, so you got, everyone's free now, and being like, like, what do you guys think?
	And they go, that's a great question, Gavin.
	You should ask that again.
	Which one was that?
	And they're just fucking with me because I'm pie-faced, pie-eyed.
	So then we get, it's time for the show.
	I go, all right, I've done my interview.
	And then they play the show and I'm backstage because I know the drummer.
	I'm at Mercury Lounge.
	Mercury Lounge factors into this story.
	So I get up on stage and I'm standing on the stage with them.
	And they're like, what the fuck?
	What are you doing?
	And I'm just like, nah, this is good, man.
	And then I sit down on the stage like a chick.
	And then guess what happens?
	I fucking fall asleep on the stage.
	They're having it.
	There's probably like 5,000 people at this concert.
	And I'm not like off to the side.
	I'm on the stage asleep.
	So then they're done the show and they like kick me as they're walking out.
	And I go, oh, that was awesome, man.
	And go with them to their fucking backstage, whatever, green room thing.
	And then proceed to fall asleep there too.
	And eventually some bouncer just picks me up, some security guy, and I'm still recording.
	And I can hear on the tape, or maybe a press record, I go, get your hands off of me.
	My left arm's all numb.
	I got my hair blown out.
	And I'm hearing this on the tape going, oh, Jesus.
	I think I had seen myself in the mirror and I had bedhead from like sleeping on the floor.
	My arm was numb because it was numb from sleeping on it.
	So I listen to this tape and I go, oh, shit, this is really bad.
	None of these questions are in English.
	And half of them is me yelling at a bouncer telling him to get his hands off of me.
	So I just invented an entire story.
	I talked about hanging out with the strokes and we went here and oh, this was fun.
	Invented it.
	It was pretty complimentary, by the way.
	I don't know, well, we'll get to how mad they were, but then I send it into an EME and they go, that's so wrong.
	It's all wrong.
	But what happened with Fabrizio?
	Why isn't he mentioned?
	Oh, that's the drummer, I guess.
	Fabrizio Moretti.
	I forget his last name.
	Italian name.
	So I just write him in.
	I go, and then Fabrizio had to peace out early because he had a groupie.
	Meanwhile, he was dating Drew Barrymore at the time.
	So I made him have sex with someone he didn't have sex with.
	So I see Nick.
	It is unethical.
	Yeah.
	Well, also, but my side of it was, who cares?
	It's just a fucking stupid music article.
	Like, I'm not, who cares if I said you fucking shot up?
	This is all fake anyway.
	It's just a dumb game.
	It's just really a music video.
	So anyway, Nick, I think he's the guitarist.
	Maybe that's him.
	Oh, and then I said the other guy, one of the guys has Lyme disease.
	And he does, but that's a secret.
	And I said, oh, he wasn't around because his Lyme was so bad.
	He had to sleep.
	Oh, my God.
	So the next time I see him, he goes, I'm at the Mercury Lounge.
	I'm literally at the Mercury Lounge.
	And I see Nick and he goes, you got a lot of nerve showing your fucking face around here.
	I guess that's their club.
	Because they play there a bunch, they think they own it.
	And I go, I had just had like a shot and I felt like fighting and it was just the perfect time for a confrontation.
	I said, what the?
	I laughed in his face.
	I go, what the fuck are you going to do, Nick?
	Do you think you're the mafia?
	You think you run New York City?
	You fucking loser.
	And then he, then I saw him again that night, I think, and it was by a fruit stand.
	He was like, Gavin McKinnis is a fucking asshole.
	And he like grabbed an orange off a fruit stand and threw it at me or something.
	Anyway, we ended up getting over it and I apologized and we it was all water under the bridge.
	But they were playing a show for Levi's.
	This is probably 2000 maybe, 2001.
	And Outcast had just played the rap band and Andre 3000 was standing next to me and we were watching the show and I was watching Andre 3000 because I saw a penny drop and I saw him discover rock live right before my eyes.
	He was like this.
	And then when they're like, that had never occurred to him that to make like jangly classic Rolling Stones hipster rock.
	He'd never heard it before.
	And guess what happened right after that?
	He quit Outcast and he released Heya.
	So I saw Heiya being born in his head.
	And then I remember I interviewed Albert a couple years later and he was a total fucking drug addict.
	Great guy, but a total fucking drug addict.
	Always surrounded by models.
	All the guys in that band could just fuck whoever they want.
	I don't know why Fabrizio chose Drew Barrymore, the coolest and prettiest four in America.
	Oh shit, that's it?
	Is that it?
	Yeah.
	No, that's 2011.
	Oh, no.
	Fuck.
	Way to go, Ryan.
	What year was it again?
	2000.
	Oh, I see.
	Yeah.
	And he was like, hey, I couldn't tell if he was on heroin or MDMA because he took his shoes off and he kept like rubbing his toes into the carpet.
	Is that a heroin thing?
	He had an appetite, though.
	We ate steak.
	So that implies that he's not on heroin.
	Anyway, my final story with them is Albert and I had the same lawn guy.
	Can we go back to their new album?
	People can hear that in the background.
	And Albert Hammond Jr., the basis for the strokes, taught me what tits are about inadvertently.
	And I'll explain it to you now.
	Jim Goad and I always talked about this.
	We're not tit guys.
	We're ass guys.
	And we're always like, what do you do with tits?
	I don't get tits.
	You lick them?
	Girls don't really want their nipples licked.
	I guess you can fuck them.
	But I never really got tits.
	And so Scott comes by, the lawn dude, Scott Halleck.
	And I go, how's Albert's place looking?
	Because he just built a studio and all this stuff.
	He goes, looks great.
	And I hear he's got a new girlfriend hanging around.
	And Scott goes, yeah.
	And I go, she must be, I mean, I've never not seen him with the 10, so she just must be a fucking smoke show.
	Can't wait to meet her.
	And he goes, meh.
	And I go, what do you mean?
	And he goes, not my cup of tea.
	And I go, what's your problem now, Scott?
	And he goes, she has no tits.
	And I'm a tit guy.
	And I go, oh, good.
	I get to finally meet one of you people.
	I go, what is your big deal?
	What's tits anyway?
	Like, do you lick them?
	And he goes, no.
	Look, I'm 6'5.
	I weigh 300 pounds.
	If I'm with someone without tits, it's just like too small.
	And when you fuck a woman with big tits, they go concentric, woman, woman, womb.
	And I was like, thank you.
	I finally get tits.
	It's a visual thing.
	You don't play with them per se.
	You just, they're there.
	That's it.
	They're there.
	Anyway, that's all my stories about the strokes.
	Fucking Carol Baskins told me to tell you those fucking stories.
	I went way too goddamn fucking low.
	She doesn't like the strokes.
	She thinks they're one of the best bands out there.
	Wait.
	Worst.
	Worst bands.
	I was doing home repairs this weekend and I was the Tiger King for like nine hours.
	Just every time something went wrong with my project, I was the screen has got all pushed in so I had to take the slats off the door and re-staple the screen and then put them back.
	And I was like, every time something broke, I go, fucking Carol Baskins.
	Fucking bitch.
	Every time I hit my thumb with a hammer, Carol fucking Baskins.
	Ow!
	Fucking bitch.
	She's a bad woman.
	And then I was like, I'm going to a fucking bar.
	And I went to my locals, which all are boarded up.
	They all look empty.
	And I know the owners usually.
	When you're my age, you tend to know the owners of the bars.
	And I called them and I was like, you're not open, are you?
	And they go, yeah, come on in the back.
	And you couldn't see from the outside, but there they was.
	And these guys have been going to bars the whole time.
	You know what the fine is, by the way, if they get caught?
	$20,000.
	Isn't that a little excessive?
	This fucking pandemic, I know I try to avoid talking about it, but it is so gay.
	16,000 deaths.
	Big fucking deal.
	That's a strokes concert.
	We had that with that band Great White, remember?
	What are you doing right now, Ryan?
	Dropping myself the karaoke vids.
	Oh, yeah.
	But I got to say, going to a bar, I almost had an orgasm.
	We were telling jokes, laughing, bitching about women, talking about on the TV.
	We see this, there was some documentary about Turkey, and they're showing all these Middle Eastern billionaires.
	And I'm just like, why the fuck did we tell them that there's oil in the sand?
	They never would have been able to get it out.
	We should have said we were just cleaning the dirt and we're getting that gross oil gunk out and then sell them gas for the, but not that they need gas.
	And then as I'm saying that, the guy on the video is riding a camel.
	And I'm like, this is fucking high quality.
	This is fun.
	Going to a bar has nothing to do with drinking.
	It has to do with men and camaraderie.
	And I'm amazed that this cunt Chrissy tried to get me kicked out of my local bar.
	It's an old man bar.
	No one in the bar is under 70 years old.
	And she thinks that they're going to side with her.
	She looks like the lesbian from Orange is the New Black.
	What the fuck do you think?
	Do I go to vegan cafes and tell people to ban other customers?
	No, you're fucking place, women.
	This is my new problem, by the way.
	And I brought this up at the bar.
	It was very cathartic to release.
	Women, the old days used to be someone touched your sister's ass and the brother and the dad and everyone around her would go kill the person.
	Not kill, but you know what I mean.
	She wouldn't do anything.
	She'd go, oh my God, that was terrible.
	Now, the girl's going, what the fuck, bitch?
	What you want to do, nigga?
	You want to fucking front?
	I'll take you out, motherfucker.
	And then she just gets sucked.
	And I saw this video.
	This girl was getting, maybe you can find it actually.
	It was on Public Freakout Reddit Shoplift.
	Look up Shoplifting.
	It's some black guy, and he's working security at a CVS, and he has to hold this woman down.
	She's like, you can't detain me.
	Fuck off.
	Spoiled brat.
	She thinks she can take him, too.
	Like, it hasn't occurred to her that she can overpower him.
	Let me see that?
	Oh, you want to see it?
	Okay.
	No, that's not it.
	She's inside the CVS wrestling with a CVS.
	I don't know if it's a CVS, but anyway, they don't really have to see the video.
	And so feminism is ruining women.
	And so this woman is trying to bite him and punch him and thinks she can take him.
	And he's like, he's from fucking Africa.
	Okay?
	You think you're tough now?
	Come to Africa.
	You know the song, Afrikan Boy?
	No, don't look it up by CVS.
	I don't know the name of the drugstore.
	Look up Shoplifter.
	Didn't I say that?
	Lady freaks out after caught shoplifting.
	That it is.
	That it is?
	Yes, I think so.
	Let us look and see.
	Yeah, this is it.
	This is it.
	I'm not going to let go.
	We're going to call the police and deal with this the right way.
	That's not the right way.
	By the way, when I said you think you're tough now, come to Africa.
	I was quoting the rapper African Boy.
	You're not going to go anywhere.
	We're going to call the police.
	Yeah, you know, I'll have to see you when you assault someone.
	You'll go to fucking jail.
	Good, good.
	We'll see, okay?
	Yeah.
	Okay, so this, scroll forward a little bit.
	So I've already explained why feminism has ruined hers, right?
	First of all, women didn't really shoplift before feminism.
	But if this was, you know, a generation ago, she'd just go, oh, great, I'm caught.
	How embarrassing.
	Not, I'm going to take out this black security guard.
	Couldn't you just let go and leave?
	And here's her purse.
	This bitch is why you're not kicking me.
	This bitch.
	She didn't say you raped me in the parking lot.
	He hurt me in the parking lot.
	Oh, yeah.
	He threw me and hurt my arm.
	Okay, go forward a little bit because there's this woman in the video, and I was talking about her in the bar yesterday, who just thinks she is the mother of Earth.
	Like, what is all this?
	I keep having these women come up to me, too.
	Like, remember I told you about in Disneyland where this woman goes, yeah, actually, the buses, you want to wait here, and then the buses, they come every 10 minutes, but yeah, the last bus is at five.
	And then I looked it up later.
	She was wrong.
	But like, why are you fucking...
	And this fucking stranger woman comes over and she goes, yeah, if you lose your social security card, it's a real hassle to get.
	So I wouldn't carry that around your wallet.
	I hear that too.
	Thanks for the tip, bitch.
	From women.
	And by the way, it's really easy to replace your social security card.
	Yeah, I did it.
	You just go, I lost three.
	You just go to the place super early so you don't have to wait too long and they send you one in the mail.
	All right.
	This is the bitch I'm talking about.
	Not the one in the blue.
	Look at her.
	I'm telling you.
	I'm telling you, she's monitoring the whole thing.
	All right, I'll handle this.
	I'm the boss of the world.
	Look, don't!
	He's still smaller than you!
	I'm not good enough.
	Look, don't!
	She's smaller than you!
	Don't bite him either!
	Stop it!
	Just pause.
	Don't hear that?
	Stop!
	Stop!
	Remember, she's smaller than you.
	And don't bite him either!
	Where the fuck are you, lady?
	Get out of here.
	Oh, really?
	Don't you hit her!
	Stop it!
	Don't you hit her!
	He's still smaller than you!
	I'm not hitting her!
	I'm hitting myself!
	Stop it!
	Don't bite him either!
	Stop it!
	You're getting filmed, ma'am, and everybody is pointing at me.
	She's literally wagging her finger.
	Does she even work there?
	No!
	Oh, no!
	Stop it!
	Look at her smug face.
	Yeah, look, that's the uniform they wear.
	They wear blue poles.
	She's got purple sleeves.
	She's just some cunt who's going to tell you how to live your life.
	Look at her.
	Her smug chin up.
	Arms crossed.
	What have we done to women?
	He's like, go ahead, continue.
	But we've turned them all into school marms and bitches.
	If you guys have business, please go ahead and do your business.
	Okay.
	She's a normal woman from the olden days.
	Watch your mouth.
	Watch your mouth.
	What?
	Watch your mouth.
	There's a physical.
	And he's even looking at her like, what the deal?
	Yeah.
	Did you give birth to us?
	Okay.
	Let's go now.
	Yeah, Tony is recording for no purposes.
	We'll see where they're getting, okay?
	Yeah.
	The police all consent to your job.
	I heard people say, "We can't." Anyway, the cops show up.
	Come here.
	This is a good lesson, by the way, people.
	Listen.
	No fucking around.
	If you turn around on me, it's going to be bad for you.
	You face the other way.
	Don't move.
	Got it?
	Put your feet together.
	Feet together.
	Face away from me.
	You turn around on me.
	It's going to be bad for you.
	Just handles it in a second.
	You can tell this guy's dealt with these crazy bitches eight million times.
	All right.
	Let's get into the show.
	Shall we begin the show?
	I told you every single stroke story I know.
	You don't care, but you will after you hear the album because it's really good.
	God, can you stop sending me this polyamorous couple that we covered on the show?
	I've really had enough.
	I've gotten about 100 posts and emails and messages about this goddamn couple.
	What did I do?
	Number 23?
	Yeah, 23.
	So do you have the episode that we did it?
	Yes.
	Pull that up.
	So there's the guy.
	Remember him?
	He was the one who went, yay!
	And we obviously could tell from the start that this was bullshit.
	Look, two Gavs.
	They're in a relationship with five people, and I'm in a relationship with myself.
	You could tell he's going to do something.
	Look at his face.
	Yeah.
	So only two of us are actual as Rat Boy.
	Yeah.
	...tually any good at open communication.
	It helps if you know the person.
	Okay, go.
	An example, seeing her with Ethan.
	Here, go forward to the guy who did the crime.
	There he is.
	Her and Chris was a bitch.
	So I think Rat Boy impregnated her, right?
	Oh, yeah.
	And then this guy must have hated that fact that he was looking after this baby.
	Look at, I fucking hate my life.
	So that guy beat the shit out of the baby.
	Almost killed it.
	It was hospitalized in intensive care.
	I actually have footage of the baby, not the baby beaten, but if you go to 2-4-4.
	And you grab a fucking 2-4.
	Now, you know, you tell us that everyone's the same and we have to be more open-minded.
	And, you know, monogamy is a thing of the past.
	And all us traditionalists are wrong.
	We have new ideas now.
	It's the year 2020.
	Wake up, get woke.
	Don't make fun of nerds.
	Nerds are tough.
	Fat people aren't out of shape.
	They're just big bone.
	They're different.
	Don't have a problem with refugees.
	All cultures are the same.
	And just trust us.
	We know what we're doing.
	We want to smash the patriarchy because we have something better to replace it with.
	And what do they do?
	Jeopardize the safety of newborns.
	Great.
	What a piece of shark.
	Trust your fucking instincts is the moral of that story.
	Another thing people keep sending me, fucking Carol Baskins.
	One, two.
	Bill Maher is in big shit because he said, yeah, it's from China.
	It can call it the China virus.
	I know.
	We do that with all our diseases.
	And look how mad.
	Well, first you can just play it.
	I assume everyone's seen this by now, right?
	Finally, new rule.
	You can't yell at someone for breaking a rule you just made up.
	Scientists, yes, scientists who are generally pretty liberal, have this delivery so bad.
	They've been after the places they came from for a very long time.
	Zika is from the Zika forest.
	Ebola from the Ebola River.
	Hantavirus, the Hantan River.
	There's the West Nile virus and guinea worm and Rocky Mountain spotted fever and of course the Spanish flu.
	MERS stands for Middle Eastern, right?
	It's such a simple point.
	So benign, right?
	But look at the reactions.
	Wait.
	Wait, finally came out of his woodwork.
	See, I haven't checked this in a while, but there's a lot of people saying, I don't have time for this racist bullshit.
	Look, go up, wait.
	We should blame China.
	Bill Marun Loads or No, no, that's not it.
	The Diamond Silk, of course, are going to be cool.
	See if you can find people Freaking out.
	Probably on that video and the reactions to it.
	Thank you.
	Only thing, well, these are people agreeing.
	These are all positive.
	See, while I talk, see if you can find it.
	But when I first dug up that Twitter moment, it was all these people furious with him about what a racist piece of shit he is.
	And you'll notice, by the way, whenever they hurl this accusation, it's never based on facts.
	It's always just, I'm so sick of this racist piece of shit.
	The end.
	And they always say that, too.
	That's the new phrase, racist piece of shit.
	And they don't have to explain why we should just make this one virus not be linked to its origin.
	Why are these people so quick to kiss the ass of foreign superpowers like China?
	Or you look at Al Jazeera, right?
	Remember I showed his name the other day?
	Muhammad Sheikh Malik Banin Barin bin Min Laden bin Omamed bin Mina.
	They pay millions of dollars to propagate this, you know, Islamophobia myth and say that, oh, America is so racist towards Muslims.
	They are just exactly like China.
	And you have these fucking cucks at AJ Plus, these comedians, so happy to kiss their ass and propagate their propaganda.
	It's downright embarrassing.
	That's, again, a common theme with this show is I don't mind that we have enemies.
	I don't mind that people are together.
	I don't mind that China, I assumed a communist country was going to fuck with us.
	I just hate how easy it is to make people do their bidding.
	Like all these people defending China.
	Oh, there we go.
	Bill Margo's on a despicably racist.
	First of all, China's not a race, but okay.
	Says he has every right to call it the Chinese virus.
	Now, this really baffled me because I honestly, like, sometimes I get the left and I understand why they're pissed off, but I disagree.
	But this one I did not get at all.
	No, these are all pro, dude.
	Maybe next time I do this, what's this?
	Go up or go up?
	Linda Sarsur.
	Bilmar has been a racist, misogynist Islamophobe for years, and all of a sudden everyone was like, that's Linda Sarseur.
	Wow.
	You know, I know what their problem is, too.
	They kept bringing this up.
	He had Sam Harris on the show.
	And Bilma is a Jew and he's pro-Israel.
	He's a Zionist, so he hates Islam in Palestine.
	So when Sam Harris starts bitching about religion, he likes to focus on Islam.
	Yeah.
	And that means he's racist, so that's why he'll never be in The Last Good Book.
	What's Best Kalb got to say?
	A lot of people plying on Bill Maher, but he's really one of my favorite.
	Oh.
	Up and leaving comedians.
	Up and leaving.
	Oh, I get it because he's such a loser.
	You know what's funny about the rights?
	Let's see what Eugene.
	This guy is unbearable.
	Bill Maher once used the N-word and now calls the coronavirus the Chinese virus, even after Asian Americans have been beaten on the streets.
	Well, the H1N1 swine flu came from factory farms in America.
	Nobody calls it the American pig flu or demand we stop eating pork and chickens.
	So we shouldn't stop eating bats, Eugene?
	Is that what you're trying to say?
	Bill Maher's a racist, misogynist, Islamophobic shithead.
	Fuck him.
	But you know how the right, oh, this is my favorite thing.
	If he says one thing in the richest racism, what?
	Like, if you say one thing, if you're on the left correctly, the right will embrace you.
	Like, in Coulter, it was like, oh, this is great.
	You're not doomed forever and ever and ever in the eyes of the right.
	Rich white guy serves up blazing hot take about why it's cool to keep doing the racist shit that rich white guys already do without consequence.
	How ironic that she's being racist.
	Here's another interesting story on racism.
	Go to 1.8.
	This is the police were trying to enforce safe distancing.
	And Sean King is all about how this pandemic is hurting black people more.
	Why is that an example of racism?
	Well, you see, because of racism, blacks are forced to live in close quarters, unlike Ryan, who gets a whole mansion to himself, no?
	And that means they can't practice social distancing.
	They just can't.
	In the projects, you just can't.
	You can't stay in your apartment because of racism.
	Okay, well, can we check in on one of these ghettos you're talking about, Sean?
	Hoopsite.
	I've never been to Hoopsite.
	I bet it's fun.
	Look at them hacking all precious Jews.
	So then the police jeopardize their own safety and go, I guess I'll stand in between these guys.
	I guess eventually they realize, look at that.
	This is not, by the way, from today.
	After I announced this is over.
	This is like last week.
	Look at them.
	They're good.
	Look at that.
	This is exactly what I was saying about the way that police are treated in New York.
	I don't know if this is New York, but that's the way they're treated here.
	So go to 2-0.
	So the health dude, whatever he's called, the health minister, says we have a problem with the black community.
	It's spreading way too fast there, disproportionately fast.
	So do it for your sister.
	Do it for Big Mama.
	And now he's in trouble because he called out blacks.
	And that's racist.
	What?
	I have a quick question for you.
	You said that African Americans and Latinos should avoid alcohol.
	I have a quick question for you.
	You said that African Americans and Latinos should avoid alcohol, drugs, and tobacco.
	You also said do it for your Mueller, do it for Big Mama and Pop Pop.
	There are some people already on.
	She should pause.
	There's some people online that are already on.
	What would you say she is out of 10?
	I don't see a she there.
	I mean, is there somebody in the background, in the locker?
	I want to save like one and two for Tarana Burke, but I guess that's a 2.9.
	Oh, I saw a Tarana Burke that looks like Tarana Burke with smooth skin.
	And I was like, so if Tarana Burke's a one, you know, I think she's only like a 1.2.
	This is a 2.9.
	Anyway, go ahead.
	...by that language and the idea that you're saying behaviors might be leading to these high death rates.
	Could you talk about whether or not people could you, I guess, have a response to See the video we just showed, lady?
	Well, I use that language because that's the language.
	I've been meeting with the NAACP, with the National Medical Association, with others.
	I actually talked with Derek.
	We are so petrified of racism that black people are tripping over themselves to prove that they're not racist.
	I meet with the NAACP.
	I'm not racist.
	Look, I even got the skin.
	My me is black.
	Some of my best me's are black.
	Johnson, multiple times this week, the head of the NAACP, and we need targeted outreach to the African-American community.
	And I use the language that is used in my skin lisp.
	I have a Puerto Rican brother-in-law.
	Oh, my.
	Blacks are saying I have a lot of people that's farther down the ladder than black.
	Don't go away.
	Just touch yourself.
	Just fucking pull on your skin.
	You don't have to find a Puerto Rican brother-in-law.
	Jesus Christ.
	Call my granddaddy granddaddy.
	I have relatives who call their grandparents big mama.
	So that was not meant to be offensive.
	That's the language that we use and that I use.
	And we need to continue to target our outreach to those communities.
	I wish Trump just stepped in.
	You know what's going on here?
	If something is bad for blacks, it's racist.
	And I said this on the other show.
	If you went through the city, say you were the city comp, sorry, city controller.
	Don't call it comp troller.
	Yes, it's spelled comp troller, but it's pronounced controller.
	So say you're the city controller and you go, what the hell?
	I'm going through these invoices.
	You guys, no one is paying any of their parking tickets.
	From now on, anytime you do give a parking ticket and you see that they already have fines, just tow the car.
	We got to clean this out.
	This is crazy, man.
	We have no authority.
	Not that I like parking tickets.
	It's just an analogy.
	Relax.
	And so they started doing that.
	If the result of that was a lot of black people having their cars towed, then that would be a racist law.
	This is the logic of the left.
	So the other day, when they said we're going to increase the amount of officers in the subway, well, that would lead to more blacks getting arrested.
	No one looks into why, by the way.
	Like, aren't they committing more crimes?
	So having more police presence in the subway is racist.
	Do you get it?
	So sickle cell anemia is racist because it disproportionately hurts blacks.
	A disease can be racist in this new modern logic.
	I guess snow, isn't snow racist?
	Do blacks tolerate cold less well than, say, Norwegians and Swedes?
	Doesn't that make cold racist?
	Yeah.
	Another group, by the way, who is not practicing social distancing is Hasidic Jews.
	They did not take a beat.
	They did not take a one-second timeout.
	There has been zero difference in the Hasidic Jewish community in Brooklyn.
	They are having weddings.
	They're having parties.
	They're just hanging out.
	Look at this.
	Hi.
	I've never not lived around Hasids my entire adult life.
	And I'm just fascinated by how unassimilated a group can be.
	They all look like they're...
	They all look shady.
	They're unassimilation.
	Like they're all up to no good.
	They just look suspicious.
	What the hell is this?
	Why are they just standing in the street?
	That's like the busiest neighborhood.
	Like, take COVID and the cops out of the equation.
	That's the busiest neighborhood I've ever seen.
	So I guess the cops just sit there with their sirens going?
	Did you read my book, by the way?
	No, not overnight.
	Since you suggested it to me last night.
	Because there's a scene in it when there was a blackout in New York and we were naked dancing in the fountains and the cops showed up and we turned the fountain off.
	I can't remember what happened with the fountain, but anyway, we stopped the music and we went, oh shit, we're going to get arrested.
	And the cop stands parked there and we're all like, uh-oh, here we go.
	Kind of exactly like this.
	And then on the loudspeaker, you know what he did?
	He goes, start spreading the news.
	We turn the music back on and we're spraying beer on each other.
	That's amazing.
	One of the greatest nights of my life.
	I'll read your book.
	Also in the Corona news, I know I said I wouldn't do Corona news.
	This isn't really Corona news.
	Like, I'm not sitting here telling you what the long-term effects and where the curve is and all that shit.
	This is just dumb stories.
	It's taken over the news, so I can't not mention shit.
	But do you remember this adorable story about a guy who met a girl on a roof, 1-3, dating by drone?
	And he wrote his phone number on a drone and flew it over to her.
	Isn't that adorable?
	If something seems too cute to be true, it is likely not.
	Hi, I'm just a friend.
	Don't worry, there's plenty of them.
	1-4?
	Oh, it's so adorable.
	And they had dinner together, but apart.
	So she had her little dinner on the rooftop, and he had his little dinner on the rooftop.
	Oh my God, then they did go on a date, and he was in a ball the whole time.
	Isn't that adorable?
	Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?
	And now they're in love.
	You know, you can't stop love.
	Love always finds a way.
	As Karis once said, love's gonna get you, sucker.
	Let's watch the video.
	Oh, saw this girl dancing.
	I needed to say hi to her, so I waved out on the balcony.
	She waved back.
	I grabbed my tape, pen, drone, and paper.
	Wait a minute.
	That's a $1,500 drone.
	You just flew that?
	Flirting is normally daunting for me.
	Aren't you worried you weren't going to get it back?
	I was in my apartment for a week now.
	I was craving some social interaction.
	2020 has been off to a terrible start, but I still needed to shoot my shot.
	She picked up my drone, and I guess it worked, because I got a text from her an hour later.
	Like for part two.
	I still can't believe this happened the other day.
	Now it's time for part two.
	I asked her.
	Yeah, you were dancing on the roof.
	Why wouldn't you just dance in your living room, you lying bitch?
	I needed to freshen up.
	So I shaved, brushed, flossed, and did a couple push-ups.
	The barbershop is closed.
	So go to 1-7.
	What an annoying dickweed.
	Others wondered how.
	Yeah, Katz and Cohen were both working on rooftop photography projects that week and followed each other on Instagram previous to this meetup.
	You don't say.
	Cohen said that since posting his first video, he's seen massive increase in TikTok followers, going from around 15,000 to 600,000.
	His photography recently featured in New York magazine.
	And every time he gets interviewed, he has these lapses of memory where he goes, I don't really remember exactly what happened.
	It was kind of weird.
	It's just a hustle.
	They increased their followers on Instagram.
	And because they're both photographers, that translates to money.
	So look at that.
	Cover of New York magazine.
	Fuck, this goes back to what I was saying about how easily we are to dupe.
	It's so easy to fuck with us and trick us and have AJ Plus and George Soros make us dance like little marionettes.
	It's embarrassing.
	Fucking, China has a communist terrorist as the head of the World Health Organization and nobody noticed.
	We've got that Tennessee Valley company that handles electricity for the government, getting it from the dams to various clients.
	He makes $8 million a year.
	Like, how are these hustles so easy to pull off?
	It's fucking embarrassing.
	We're always going to have enemies, but I just don't like it when our enemies can just snap their fingers and we start dancing.
	Okay, I think we're almost ready for the mailbag, you guys.
	We should check in on Nate Ober.
	Yeah, we should check in on Nate Ober.
	He was doing self-quarantine way before any of us even knew it was a thing.
	I'm Ada Broughtwurst.
	I'm dancing to Mustercraft.
	I'm going to be reviewing various white foundations from Sephora today.
	Malik Panak.
	Are we bagging?
	Yeah.
	Carol begging.
	Ryan shut up.
	You don't have a death.
	Let's turn the priest again.
	Let me touch you.
	How long have we been talking for?
	It's been 56 minutes.
	Good.
	That means we have a little bit of time to do this mailbag.
	This is from Brody.
	Hey, Bro.
	Dude, your name sucks, by the way.
	You know that, right?
	That's a really unfortunate name.
	Hey, boys, just a quick realization that today, do you think under any form of questioning, a member of the left would not forgive German police, German people currently in Germany for their grandparents causing World War II and the Holocaust?
	I think they would be forgiven instantly.
	But try to form a question in which they would forgive any colonizing Western nation just for exploring and bringing up their advanced, or bringing their advanced ways to anywhere new in history.
	Not the instant brushoff of the first group.
	Germans in America or just average patriots can only be seen as the product of evil doings in the past.
	Maybe this is not a new way of thinking about their insanity, but it is to me.
	Could spark a good debate if they were not retarded.
	You guys are the cheapest bang for anyone's buck.
	And the maniac loves you guys.
	I don't know what the maniac is.
	That reminds me, by the way, of Ami Horowitz.
	He's my buddy, my fellow Jew, my chosen brother.
	Go to 1.6.
	Ami is still working his ass off doing streeters.
	I don't know.
	When I do streeters, I can't get black people.
	It's really rare to get black people.
	But he has no problem doing it.
	Anyway, he did a video for Prague or you where he said, would you, well, I'll just let it speak for itself.
	I'm Ami Horowitz.
	I'm here in the East Village.
	We know the president is not exactly popular here.
	Also pretty bad name.
	How unpopular is Amy?
	How unpopular is Amy?
	Would you go for this dude?
	Because that guy has a sticker that says assassinate the motherfucker already.
	Do you know why they hate him so much?
	Because he's racist and he hates gays.
	Where did that fucking come from?
	I guess because he said we want to close the border, so that means he hates all Mexicans.
	And if you hate Mexicans, you probably hate blacks.
	And if you hate blacks and Mexicans, well, you probably hate gays and trans.
	I think that's their logic.
	Coronavirus lasts longer and is more severe, but the president guarantees to lose the election.
	That's a hard question.
	So that's a hard question.
	Just pause.
	Remember how I was saying Americans would rather die than be seen as racist?
	They would now rather die than allow someone who is rumored to be racist.
	It's no longer about racism anymore.
	It's about the implication that you might be.
	That's now just as bad.
	I don't know.
	That's a hard choice to make.
	Sorry, guys.
	I would go for the longer virus.
	Okay.
	So just pause.
	We've had 16,000 deaths, right, in probably two months.
	So what are we now?
	April?
	May, June, July, August, September, October, November.
	So it seems to be about 8,000 a month that die.
	That's seven, 56,000 people dead.
	You would like 56,000 people to die because you think Trump might be racist.
	You would like to see Trump's face.
	Okay, go ahead.
	Even if he was racist, what policies does he have that you hate?
	You know what I mean?
	Right.
	Does it kill Lyndon Johnson say the N-word every second?
	I think he called his driver the N-word.
	Wow.
	I think he's Lyndon Johnson said something to his driver like, You can work as hard as you want.
	You'll always be a fucking nigger.
	Was he black?
	Yeah.
	No, he was a Chinese woman.
	Well, I thought that would have been.
	That's funny.
	No matter what, yeah.
	Would you make that deal?
	Sure.
	Sure.
	I would.
	Yep.
	Yeah.
	Yep.
	Frankly, yes.
	These are socialists.
	Everyone in the Lowry's side, he's in the New York City's village Lowry's side.
	They're all socialists.
	And socialists do not have a problem with genocide.
	I saw a video the other day of an old Chinese man getting the shit beaten out of him because he criticized Mao and he was in Beijing or something.
	And these are all old Chinese guys, so they would remember the Cultural Revolution where 80 million people were murdered by a brutal dictator.
	But don't talk shit on him.
	The trains ran on time.
	Absolutely.
	Do you take that deal?
	I would.
	Let the coronavirus be more severe.
	I'm not sure how the he himself got it, but he's more dangerous to the American people.
	Give me more danger to the American people.
	Give me an example of how.
	Just pause.
	I don't know what's happening.
	I just lost my mouse or some shit.
	Give me a specific.
	Here's one example I can think of.
	He said if you're trans, you can't be in the military.
	Okay.
	So that would suck if you're trans and you want to be in the military.
	That's a thing, but I didn't know you were so passionate about military service and soldiers' rights.
	I don't see you talking about the VA.
	That's my problem with all this fake concern is it's not consistent.
	So you're really into the military?
	Are you?
	Okay.
	Absolutely.
	More dangerous than the coronavirus?
	Absolutely.
	In what me?
	Is there a number where you say, okay, I wouldn't make that deal?
	Like a million deaths?
	I would still make that deal.
	Still make that death.
	Is there a number of coronavirus deaths where you would say, I would change my position?
	No.
	No, same with you?
	No?
	Absolutely not.
	What's the number?
	Absolutely no.
	Okay, pause.
	No, I think he's stopped.
	I'm going to risk you losing your mouse again.
	This is a very important thing to do to Muslims.
	This is a very important thing to do to liberals.
	And I do this all the time.
	Get them to name a number.
	Socialism doesn't do well with numbers.
	And so they have brainwashed all of their followers to never get specific.
	So if you say to them, well, you're okay with open borders?
	Yes.
	There's like 30 million illegals here.
	You probably say 14, whatever.
	Let's just say 20.
	When is too many illegals?
	And they go, I don't think there is.
	I mean, there's the Arizona desert and stuff.
	They could go there.
	Okay, so how about 200 million people?
	Our population is 331 million.
	How about adding 200 million illegals?
	And they go, yeah, fine.
	300 million?
	Should we double?
	Yeah, that's fine.
	Fine.
	Like, you can go up to 7 billion if you want.
	And they'll go, yeah, sure.
	I've done this with funding too.
	They'll go, we need to pay our teachers better, more money.
	Children are our future.
	And I go, okay, I think we're up to like 50 grand per student per year is what we spend.
	That seems like a lot, doesn't it?
	No, it should be more.
	Okay.
	When should we cap it?
	What if we're spending like 100 grand per student?
	More.
	A million dollars a student?
	Yeah.
	Well, you're a fucking retard.
	You think you live in adventure land, adventure time land.
	You're living in a cartoon.
	Like these people are happy to...
	So you just wiped out your entire community to get revenge on a guy you don't like because he's not Obama, because he's not a cool black guy.
	While the majority of the people I came across would rather let people die than see Trump get re-elected, thankfully, it wasn't everyone.
	I wouldn't want a longer coronavirus to guarantee Trump's not elected.
	That's not right.
	Oh, a sane person.
	Rather have this over quicker?
	A sane gay.
	Not just because of a feeling you don't like somebody.
	Oh, a sane gay man.
	I mean, you wreaking havoc on the whole world because of one person.
	Yeah.
	That's not good.
	You got to have a bit of soul.
	You feel me?
	That's what I'm screaming.
	Find that black guy from our video drops.
	Oh.
	See what I'm saying?
	See what I'm saying?
	You should have had that ready.
	We just clicked out of a video that you requested.
	So anyway, that was a thought-provoking letter there.
	Broad Undercover Froggy.
	Going through old content and came across this gem.
	Had to snapshot it.
	Big love from Long On.
	Thanks for keeping me sane, guys.
	And he sent a picture from one of my Rebel videos where if you recall the bit here is these fat girls would duplicate model shoots.
	Oh, they duplicated all right.
	And my point was, this is meaner than jocks.
	Like the most sexist frat you can imagine.
	Hey, hey, you fat, ugly bitch.
	Dress up like this so we can see how ridiculous you'd look.
	Like, I guess they're just, they have too much self-esteem.
	So they think we don't see a disgusting fat pig when we look at that.
	We see like, we're stunned that she's so much prettier than the supermodel.
	No, the supermodel's more attractive, dumbass.
	Like, do it to me.
	I might as well pose.
	Remember there was that one, that fat Mexican who would dress up like Disney princesses to show you that fat women can be beautiful too?
	I think that was Trisha Paytas.
	No.
	She did it too, actually.
	This has happened more than once.
	The one I'm thinking of is Mexican.
	And so they'd have like Snow White, who's a fucking beautiful cartoon.
	That's her job.
	And then she would dress up as Snow White, just this big blimp Snow White.
	And you're looking at it going, yeah, this is really mean because it really showcases how unattractive you are.
	Was it this lady?
	I don't see her around very much these days.
	Let me see.
	Hey, Lovelies.
	Today I'm doing a Q ⁇ A video because it has been a very long video.
	No, but this is someone else doing it, I believe.
	I think I remember this one.
	No, she doesn't get dressed in anything.
	Trisha Paytas does, and it's pretty gross.
	Gavin, with the world's largest hissy fit still among us, Did you notice that we successfully predicted that China's a shithole and their eating habits are disgusting?
	Did you notice we successfully predicted Trump would win?
	You know how many people laughed at me when I said Trump is going to win the election?
	Do you know how many texts I got from Greg Guttfeld at Fox News going, your boy just fucked himself.
	Party's over, my friend.
	I have maybe 10 spread out a month apart of Greg saying, you're done, buddy.
	Bye-bye.
	Dana Lash, not Dana Lash, Kennedy at Fox Business bet me $100 on the air that he wouldn't win.
	See what I'm saying?
	See what I'm saying?
	With the world's largest history fits no longer, how has the Libertarian Party not gained any traction?
	The Libertarian Party and other third-party options seem to just be asleep at the wheel.
	Who even is the Libertarian candidate?
	I like your new sunglasses.
	China is an ass-hoe.
	China is an ass-hoe.
	Dave Smith, I just texted him the other day.
	He did a really good explanation on what happened to the Libertarian Party.
	It sounds like it's all on Gary Johnson's shoulders.
	Gary was a fucking uninformed pothead who didn't study for his questionnaires, didn't know where Aleppo was.
	You know what the two things that killed the Libertarian Party?
	One was Gary Johnson going, what's Aleppo?
	And I know plenty of you guys at home don't know where Aleppo is or why it's relevant.
	That's because it's not your job.
	If you're running for president, you should know about Syria and conflict in the Middle East, and you should be familiar with fucking Aleppo.
	Okay?
	And the second one was right when libertarianism was really on fire.
	I would say that was 2015.
	And they had a big conference and some fat, stupid, shithead nerd took off all his clothes.
	He was a candidate for some shit, I don't know.
	Took off all his clothes and danced on stage in his underwear.
	And that, I think what the general public, what they took away from that was, we don't want mainstream acceptance.
	We want to stay on the fringes.
	And I think the mainstream America went, okay, fine.
	Why?
	Stay on the fringes.
	It's like the Sex Pistols.
	When they started getting popular, they said, fuck this.
	Yeah, this was the moment.
	I guess the video is not available anymore.
	That's it.
	This and Gary Johnson not knowing what Aleppo is was the end of libertarians forever.
	And it was self-sabotage.
	Richard Spencer did it with the alt-right.
	The alt-right in 2016 wasn't that crazy.
	They weren't really that anti-Semitic.
	They weren't really racist.
	Alt-right back then just meant alternative right, like me, like Lauren Southern, like fucking Faith Goldie.
	It just meant conservatives with tattoos who drink and they were black, white, Jewish.
	And then Richard Spencer self-sabotaged and he said, hail Trump, H-A-I-L, but you're clearly aware that it sounds a lot like the Hitler one.
	And then people, he, I think he held his fist up, people started Zeke Heiling at that.
	And that was the end of that.
	That's when they went off the Charlottesville cliff and they became fucking weirdos.
	So, you know, punk rockers do this when they don't want to sell out.
	And you see it all throughout history.
	And libertarians left mainstream America on purpose because they wanted to remain a cool indie band.
	Okay, fine.
	Permission granted.
	Adam asks, rate my wife, G-Dog and Rye Guy.
	My wife is a bigger fan of G-O-ML than I. Please rate her.
	In the event I would die in a plane crash, please consider courting her.
	She's a smoking, freckle-faced, Basque, British mutt.
	That's not really a mutt.
	Basque are just Spanish.
	That's white.
	And British people are, it's called a white person.
	Of course, I consider her a day ruiner.
	This picture, what do you think, Ryan?
	That's like mid-8s.
	That seems a little mean.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	I don't like throwing around nine, but I'm going to go with 8.6.
	Yeah, mid-8s.
	Okay.
	Now there's...
	Now this is interesting, because this is way down.
	Is that the same?
	Same girl.
	So I'm going to sink to 6.99.
	Yeah, that's about right.
	Okay, let's say...
	The closest you can get to 7 without being 7.
	Next.
	Are there any other pictures of her?
	There's one of them together.
	Okay, now we're back up again.
	Good jawline.
	Now I'm up to like 7.7?
	Wait, have we not seen her eyes once?
	We saw them sort of in the first one.
	Oh, yeah.
	Just kind of Asian-y.
	So let's average all those out.
	We had a 8.6, a 7.7, a 6.99.
	So I think we're at 7.5.
	Does he want us to reflect?
	That doesn't feel right.
	That made me feel dirty.
	What, with the 7.5?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, 7.
	7.8.
	7.85.
	That's cool.
	7.85.
	And then he, by the way, also in Luddy talks about hair product and stuff and how he got such gorgeous hair.
	Dude, you told me to fuck your wife, and then you sent me pictures of your hair.
	He looks like the documentary for the Ronda Rousey shit.
	That's the Ronda Rousey guy.
	Oh my God, we saw this documentary last night.
	I think we should do a from the bunker of it.
	It's a documentary about Ronda Rousey that is so fucking bad.
	And it's clearly done by her trainer, who is a hunk.
	And hunks, like hot chicks, are retarded.
	So, you know, he's never, you don't have to stay at home and study when you're gorgeous.
	So you end up being fucking stupid.
	You'll notice this with black guys who have blue eyes.
	They're all brain dead because they've been getting blown since junior high non-stop.
	Or green eyes.
	Black guys with green eyes are all retarded.
	And it's the same with hunks in general, right?
	So this guy's like this gorgeous.
	Remember his weird undershirt he was wearing?
	Yeah.
	Rhonda's mother is hideous.
	Really, I didn't talk until I was six.
	I would say things.
	I don't know what I meant, but her trainer's clip.
	Yeah, there he is.
	Clearly banging her, and he's clearly in love with himself.
	Look at his fucking.
	What is this stitching?
	What is that like a Zoro pirate cloak?
	The fuck is he wearing?
	Looks like moccasins.
	Look at his sexy eyes.
	So, Rhonda, do you feel that your training sort of ramped up when I took over as your trainer?
	So, would you buy just for men?
	Really?
	I didn't talk until I was six.
	I would say things.
	Is she a little downsy?
	Well, she's been kicked in the head a few times.
	I don't think you can kick downsy.
	She got pulverized so bad in her last fight, it ended her career.
	Oh, she's in shit now, by the way, for saying, yeah, the wrestling, it's just like it's pretend fighting.
	Does anyone think it's real?
	What the fuck?
	You don't think Hulk Hogan was beating the shit out of the fucking Undertaker?
	It's entertainment.
	I remember that in that movie, Hannah and her sisters, the professor boyfriend's been watching TV all day, and she comes home and she's like, hi, how you doing?
	How was your day?
	And he goes, I've just been watching wrestling all day.
	Can you imagine the IQ of someone who enjoys this?
	Meanwhile, that's all my friends.
	This is from John.
	Your movie, How to Be a Man, doesn't cover this.
	Could you please chime in?
	PJW has a great video about soy face, i.e.
	big open-mouth smiles on men.
	Since watching, I've been paying close attention to how men smile.
	I'm starting to think men cannot open their mouth when smiling.
	Your thoughts.
	Yeah, my movie came out before this was a trend.
	But I don't think you should smile in photos in general.
	Because you're not happy, so it's insincere.
	Now, this is a still from a movie where he was acting.
	But if someone wants to take a picture, you go, okay.
	Like even with my family, I'll just be like, here we are, we're at the thing.
	God, have you fucking seen this show Lego Masters?
	I watch it with my kids.
	The fake laughing on that show is excruciating.
	Like at one episode, all these kids come out and the kids are going to judge your Lego.
	And as the kids are coming out, all the contestants are going, oh my God.
	They're called kids.
	Chill the fuck out.
	But yeah, what is the impetus for this soy face?
	I don't know.
	That's the guy from Star Trek.
	That looks like our censored TV banner with all the guests screaming.
	Yeah.
	It's like that's a screaming face.
	This is really the quintessential version of it.
	I think it's like it's okay that I'm a fucking loser and I'm happy to be me, but I don't really know what it means.
	I guess it means I'm enjoying not having testosterone.
	You got me.
	But yeah, pull up Lego Masters just for a second, if you will.
	Lego Masters.
	He deserves an Emmy in fucking.
	By the way, as I'm going through this mail, I'm skipping over like a dozen people sending me that fucking polyamorous couple.
	Yes, got it.
	There's a couple of goodies here.
	Just anyone.
	Okay, a terrible tumble.
	Oh, I don't think that's a good thing.
	Why bother?
	Maybe I'll go.
	Just say, I understand that you're kidding.
	I get the joke.
	We're moving!
	Ficky and buried?
	No, that's a 6-foot-two Glaswegian.
	The guy she's next to is not short.
	Cinderella lost her shoe and breaks into a thousand pieces.
	We didn't have as many fairytale stories to tell as we hoped to, and now we've lost another one.
	This is devastating.
	They had a big bump.
	I don't remember how it was put together.
	Look, look, my son asked me, what would you do if Sam became president?
	I would want the coronavirus to continue.
	Maybe scroll ahead.
	Maybe you can find them riffing.
	That's obviously a sad moment.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, my goodness.
	Anyway, Will looks really invested in that.
	He's the executive producer.
	It's his show.
	He's responsible for the fake laughing.
	Look, they'll laugh their heads off at that.
	Yeah.
	Look at that.
	Why would you react like that?
	You go, oh, cool.
	You got the robot from the stars, a little round guy.
	Impressive.
	I've never seen it in real life.
	I love the physics of it.
	Oh, you got someone wearing a C-3PO suit.
	That's cool.
	When you guys presented the birthday cake to me yesterday, I didn't laugh and smile like that.
	I just went like this.
	I was like.
	Yeah, that's normal.
	Show your face, though, Ryan.
	You just showed me your face.
	I'm showing indoors.
	People pay $10 a month to see faces.
	I was like this.
	They came out and I was like, it was Ryan's birthday recently.
	We baked him a cake.
	We had a little party at the house, Easter dinner.
	Ryan came over.
	We wore suits.
	Yeah, pretty badass.
	Did tons of blow and Adderall and got hammered.
	And then some karaoke.
	You want to see that?
	That's why I'm drinking, actually, is because I'm in that kind of hangover where you have sharp broken glass panes in your head.
	Harry the dog that bit you.
	Harry the dog that bit you.
	Faggot.
	You turn into your dad with the grapevine.
	I have you doing sweet transvestite too.
	This looks great, though.
	I'm not in love with you, Faggot.
	All right, that's enough of that.
	That's enough.
	Remember I told you the only thing worse than the sound of your own voice is the sound of your own voice drunk?
	Well, the only thing worse than that is a video of yourself drunk being a steaming homosexual.
	You would get mad because we weren't looking at you singing.
	Oh, I forgot about that.
	Yeah, I was always like, eyes, guys, eyes.
	I just fucking spilled my heart out.
	Yeah, well, that was obviously not singing.
	I know, I know.
	But you got another one?
	I'm horrified, but I also...
	No, no, no, I won't.
	I'm going to see if this is the transvestite one.
	It is.
	Okay, I got to send it to myself.
	Something got interrupted before.
	Oh, man, that latest picture of Gary, I died.
	That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
	I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about.
	Oh, it's the drawing, right?
	What?
	The drawing with him licking the thing like somebody drew it.
	I didn't see that.
	Oh.
	Was that on the Gavin Reddit or something?
	Yeah, I think it's Jake Woody or something.
	It's from Chester.
	Hey, fellas.
	If Roger Stone, Proud Boys, and Mercedes, the porn star, are on a hit list, shouldn't you be concerned about being in enemy territory?
	New York.
	If you crack some wackadoo in the street, won't they drop the hammer on you?
	I know you don't want to move because of your daughter, but if you're slammed for prison, I guess, for four years, your daughter won't have a dad.
	The election is coming up, and they want to shut down cool conservatives.
	Take Rygai and lay low in a red state until after the election.
	Just something to think about if you haven't already.
	Respectfully, that's a pretty good point, dude.
	I gotta say.
	Just lay low for a little bit?
	Yeah, I'm pushing it, but because Darien, Connecticut is only like an hour from New York.
	We could still do the show, and it's red.
	I always get confused what's red and blue.
	Especially when I've been drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle.
	Lookie.
	Oh, that sucks.
	I hated that.
	And I don't like that kind of line art.
	The vector art?
	iPad vector art.
	I thought it was pretty cool.
	Dear Gavin, a proper drunk should rise in the morning to a half, no more, bottle of champagne.
	Who are you, Winston Churchill?
	I'm drinking a bottle of champagne.
	You see this?
	Yeah.
	None of your shitty Budweiser, unless it's original European version.
	No.
	Next is work with a couple of bottles of the finest wines known to humanity around 11 a.m.
	This is, he's just listing Winston Churchill's drinking schedule.
	You could have a line with this if required.
	Next, the rest of the afternoon fall with the pub and then home.
	Yeah, that's pretty much my life.
	By the way, in Costa Rica, and I'm sure this is true of most of Central America, you do a bump like a cigarette.
	Like I remember before the guy who had the bot fly larva was this surfer named Jason.
	He used to look after a place.
	And I would be like lounging around.
	I'm on vacation, right?
	But he's still running construction projects and stuff.
	And he would come in and, hey, man, what's going on?
	Just park his motorbike, just, oh, shit.
	And then just like pour himself a shot and get back on his bike.
	Or sometimes I'd have this kid mow the lawn.
	He was like 21.
	And I'd just find little bags of, I'd often find a bag of Coke, like an empty bag of Coke.
	What do you just do with there?
	I heard in Colombia that everyone just has a gram in their purse, and it's not even illegal if it's a gram.
	I think that's the way it was in fucking America, dude.
	Back when cocaine was in Coca-Cola.
	It's funny how I'm talking about cocaine so much.
	I wonder what spurred that.
	Justin Jones.
	Here is one you will enjoy.
	Naughty Boys.
	Much love from Wales.
	By the way, Welshman, did you see fucking the new Dr. Doodle?
	It is so unbelievably bad.
	Ryan and I might have to watch it.
	By the way, if you're a film company and you see that Ryan and I chose one of your movies, you're in trouble.
	He's doing a Welsh accent in officials force tensions, right?
	Sorry.
	Okay, that's not that interesting, dude.
	Pull up Dr. Doodle.
	So you get Robert Downey Jr., right?
	Robert Denny Jr. to do Dr. Doolittle, and you want that guy to be talking to animals.
	Ryan, you do a good Robert Downey Jr.
	Talk to Animals.
	It's my understanding that you're a sheep.
	That's pretty cool.
	Keep up the sheeping.
	But he goes, actually, I'm going to do my own voice for this movie.
	I'm going to be a Welshman.
	I could probably find it.
	What, that weird province like in the bottom of England where they're all minors and shit?
	M-I-N-E-R-S?
	You might as well be fucking Scottish.
	Oh, no, you didn't.
	Oh, my God!
	Just clearing the way.
	Just do nothing to me.
	I like the Welsh accent, but having Robert Denny Jr., it's really hard accent to do.
	can't do it.
	Yoshi, now, there may be an initial release of wind.
	Is that its asshole?
	I actually stopped watching the movie around to this point.
	It's all right.
	Nobody heard that.
	Nothing to be ashamed of.
	We all do it.
	Octopus.
	Okay, come back.
	What did I miss?
	Oh, my God!
	This is a big one.
	We're in the home stretch now.
	Get behind me.
	I'm with you, Doc.
	Behind me.
	Behind me.
	And not only is he Welsh the whole movie, but he does this little sheepish, quiet little bird voice.
	Fucking sucked.
	Fucked.
	Go ahead.
	Just eat him.
	Just eat him.
	I like when a movie's so bad that you're watching the characters just like just fucking eye them.
	Well, this is from Dave.
	He's asking if this is a 10, and he's including a photograph of Phoebe Cates in what appears to be Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
	And here on Get Off My Lawn, we tend to avoid the number 10.
	It seems like you're out of options after you start throwing her on a 10.
	You're calling something perfect.
	Can anything be perfect?
	Yes.
	Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High is perfect.
	She is a 10.
	And that scene where she comes out of the pool and that dude is beating off to her is burned like a branding iron in every all-American boy's head.
	You got to pull it up now.
	Why wouldn't you be pulling that up while I'm talking about it?
	See, this is what I was saying with Ryan's stupidity.
	I'm no longer mad.
	Now I'm just like, isn't this amazing that I could talk about a movie clip that is synonymous with all males in the world?
	And he's just like, doo-doo-doo.
	I Wonder if I could ever see that clip.
	What a fuck.
	What is their ethnicity?
	Is that Italian something?
	Like when I was into hardcore and stuff, we'd hear about a band and we'd go, where are they from?
	That's the first question.
	It kind of grounds you.
	Gorilla Biscuits.
	Oh, they're from New York City.
	Okay, I'll put them in that box.
	I don't know why.
	I don't think kids do it today because music is so transportable.
	But back when I was young, it was all about where the band's from.
	And when I see hot chicks, I'm like, what's going on with her ethnicity?
	Like, oh, she's Irish and her great-grandfather was Japanese.
	Oh, okay, got it.
	I don't know why we do that.
	We're going to go make some more?
	Okay, gays, come on.
	How are you not...
	Hi, Brad.
	You know how cute I always thought you were.
	Thank you.
	Yeah.
	Malkin is a fucking smoke show in person, too.
	She looks like Michelle friggin' Malkin.
	Her mouth is so big, and when she smiles, it goes up like the Joker.
	music
	This is not exactly a hard-hitting news show today, is it?
	And then you see her tits, which are ridiculous.
	Oh, they show them in the movie?
	Yeah.
	Kevin Klein's married to her.
	He's probably watched this clip a hundred times.
	He probably watches it to get it up now.
	You know who else I think might be at 10?
	We were watching this movie last night while we were doing karaoke.
	I think The Chicken Animal House.
	She's a little bit annoying in the movie where she does this sort of bouncy walk.
	But her little freckles, I mean, she's just, it looks like God sort of went, hey guys, you want to see me really rock it?
	Watch this.
	Rrrr.
	you.
	Thank you.
	I've been spelling Toga wrong my entire life.
	Is it T-O-G-A?
	It is T-O-G-A.
	Oh.
	Togue paragraph.
	Oh my God.
	The scene right after this where Flounder comes in and they whip a beer bottle.
	There it is.
	Go back.
	Go back.
	Just stop, stop, stop.
	So this movie was done pretty spontaneously.
	No college would let them do it.
	They finally found one in Ohio.
	And like everything is real.
	This was their National Lampoon's first crazy movie.
	And they whip a fucking beer bottle at these two.
	That would have put, if it hit their faces, they would both be in the hospital.
	They got Jacob deGrom to whip this beer you're about to see.
	That came real close.
	It hit her.
	It bounced off her hair.
	Blounder.
	Blounder.
	This is going to be great.
	Wait, let's find the chinky in here.
	She didn't want to come to this party.
	Yeah, no, she didn't want to go to this party.
	I don't know why.
	What the fuck was her problem?
	What a bitch.
	My boyfriend's having a huge party at his frat that's going to be super fun with tons of people and booze.
	No, thank you.
	I'm 85.
	That's not her?
	No, this is a totally different scene.
	Animal House is a collection of independent shorts that's a genius named Doug Kenney strung together into a movie.
	But you can pluck out any of those shorts and they would win a film festival.
	And they're all standalone.
	Will you fucking find this bitch before I stab you?
	What's her name?
	She's the main chick in the movie.
	Allie.
	We were talking about her last night.
	Allie Sheetino.
	Not the toga, the trailer.
	She'll be in the trailer.
	No, no.
	Keep going.
	Cafeteria.
	No, no, no.
	You mind if we dance?
	No, she's not in that.
	Have you not seen this movie?
	No.
	That makes me so fucking mad.
	Now we're into other shit.
	Okay, now we're wasting everyone's time.
	All right, I'm going to...
	She's still super hot.
	She was in Indiana Jones, too.
	That was so stupid.
	She was the fucking...
	What?
	Karen Allen from Animal House.
	There she is.
	Karen Allen?
	It's a picture.
	Katie?
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	Just go Katie Animal House.
	Hey, gays.
	If you wonder what we see in women and why we're so obsessed with them, hit videos, genius of arts.
	You want to see her moving?
	Yeah, of course I want to see her moving.
	That's a big part of beauty.
	She's so spunky in this movie.
	Oh, that's when she fucks me.
	Is there not a...
	I'm not fucking Google, dude.
	You're Animal House, Katie?
	Yeah, you spelled Katie wrong.
	K-A-T-Y, you fucking bronze Katie.
	Everyone.
	Oh, that helped.
	There she is.
	Oh, great.
	All right, I'm about to give up.
	You have one more.
	That's the guy who wrote it, by the way.
	Go down.
	Stork?
	That's Doug Kenney.
	This guy right here.
	Yeah, and you know what he did?
	He wrote Caddyshack too, and it got really bad reviews when it came out, so he killed himself.
	He jumped off a cliff, drove an ATV off a cliff in Costa Rica, which there was probably a lot of Coke going on.
	And when you do a lot of Coke, you have big ups and big downs.
	All right, this show's getting boring.
	Let's fucking Sydney Vieira.
	All right, this is our last letter.
	This better be fucking good.
	And it says, Ryan, make Gavin watch this.
	This better not be some two-hour documentary about pedophilia in the deep state and the CIA having satanic rituals where they rape kids and 5Gs are giving us rape.
	Oh, this is the most ancient meme on earth, dude.
	This is like two weeks old.
	By the way, when Ryan saw this, he said, did that guy get fired?
	Dude, it's Africa.
	You could eat a baby and not get fired.
	If you don't eat a baby, you'll get fired.
	Fired for not eating babies.
	There's a perfectly good baby with good juju that you could make yourself immune to the sida.
	You are a whist.
	Why are you not eating baby?
	Why are you okay?
	I want to end this show with women in the workforce.
	This is 3-3.
	And I really like Conan O'Brien is his forty.
	By the way, I'm a member of Harvard Lampoon.
	It's a secret society of incredibly funny people.
	And we have rituals and we meet in Boston at the fucking Lampoon Castle.
	And Conan was probably the most successful member of this secret club.
	I can't tell you what we do.
	In fact, I think in their secret clubhouse, I'm not allowed to tell you this, there's a fireplace with tiles.
	And if you pull out one of the tiles, it's upside down.
	And on the back, Conan has written, this tile is upside down.
	Isn't that an interesting little secret piece of gossip?
	Here's another secret thing.
	They have a room where they would fuck chicks.
	And there's a sort of a sculpture of a skull on the wall.
	And you can open up the eyes and look in and watch people fuck.
	This is back in the 70s when everyone was fun.
	I told you about my school paper.
	I went to Carleton University, and our school paper was called The Charlatan.
	And I was the cartoonist there.
	That was my original vocation, cartooning.
	And Marvin Glass was the head of the Canadian Communist Party.
	He was also a professor at our school.
	And he burnt his fucking office down.
	And he's a chain smoker.
	So I did a cartoon of him having like a Bolshevik and a Stalinist, and they're fighting on his desk, little action figures, like little tiny army men.
	And meanwhile, in the background, there's an overflowing ashtray.
	And they go, you can't show this.
	It implies that Marvin started the fire, and that's not known yet.
	I'm like, it's just a fucking cartoon, dude.
	We're called the charlatan.
	That means the trickster.
	No, you can't do it.
	Okay, so then I resubmitted my drawing and it was an ashtray with cigarettes on it.
	Yeah, that again, you're implicating Professor Glass.
	You know what my final fucking drawing was?
	A match with a flame.
	That's it.
	So you're reading an article about fire.
	In case you're not familiar with fire, you fucking Lud-Eyed Caveman, here's a drawing of what fire is, a black and white drawing.
	So anyway, I was pissed off.
	I ended up quitting.
	But I was going through their archives, and back in the 70s, it was so fucking over the top, like beyond vice.
	The editor's photo was a cock where he had put, he had broken the arms off of glasses, and he put the glasses on his cock.
	So his pubes were the afro, and the cock was his nose.
	That was the editor's photo.
	That's pre-political correctness.
	What a paradise it must have been.
	Anyway, sorry, that's a long tangent to say that Conan, my favorite stuff that he does, he's a genuinely funny person.
	And him just walking around talking to people and being a dick is much funnier than his stupid talk show.
	What are you doing right now?
	I'm looking at a menu for a place called Simpson.
	Just pause.
	So the joke is he's getting rid of non-essential employees and he's making fun of the people at his show who don't work.
	But I'm watching this from a sexist perspective and I'm seeing, like, why isn't she at home?
	Why isn't she married?
	Why doesn't she have kids?
	Why are these ovaries right here drying up and becoming dust in the wind?
	Why?
	Well, she's empowered and she wants to get out there and change the world and make her mark.
	I guess I understand that.
	Isn't there nothing more impactful than creating human life and shaping human life?
	What if you had five kids and they all have five kids?
	That's a hell of a fucking impact.
	But I mean, I guess if you want to be an oncologist and cure cancer, I kind of understand.
	Let's see what you do.
	Let's see what you have forgiven, forgone breeding for.
	What would you come up with, sweetie?
	Simple things.
	What is it for?
	It's a sandwich and pie shop.
	Okay, is this something that I asked for?
	Nope.
	Is this for me?
	Nope.
	So this is a sandwich that would be for you?
	Just pause.
	Why do people, when they get money, get assistance?
	Like, how hard is it to fucking pay a bill or order yourself a fucking lunch?
	How hard is it to grab a sandwich?
	Why do you need an assistant?
	Maybe because you don't have a wife.
	Yeah, it's a pie.
	You want to buy a pie.
	You want to buy a pie for yourself.
	So as I'm looking for who's non-essential, I come across you and your For the most part, most of their jobs are extraneous busybody jobs.
	What are you doing now, busybody?
	I found the video of more karaoke.
	It's only an hour later.
	It's not like we've moved on.
	What are your duties?
	My duties are to help you and assist you in your life.
	Seriously.
	This is Tim.
	By the way, if you're Conan O'Brien, you have a business manager.
	He handles all your contracts.
	You have an accountant who pays all your bills.
	You have lawyers who go through all your shit, make sure you're not getting sued.
	The business manager checks your daily balance.
	If he bought like 700 pairs of leather pants, his business manager would go, what's going on with the leather pants, dude?
	You just spent fucking $7,000.
	That's insane.
	So he already has everyone.
	So this woman is only like calling the car repair guy and finding out when his Land Rover is ready.
	You can't do that?
	To assist me in my life.
	In your work and personal life.
	Would you say that you are essential personnel?
	No, I wouldn't say I'm.
	Sona.
	Okay.
	What's the deal here?
	Are you doing a crossword puzzle at your desk?
	No.
	This is your handwriting?
	Yes.
	And this is a crossword puzzle.
	And it was sitting on your desk.
	So you were doing a crossword puzzle on your desk?
	You can't lie in front of the camera.
	You can't lie.
	Then yes, I was.
	Okay.
	What are you stuck on?
	What's the word?
	Give us the thing you can.
	Just tell us which one it is.
	If I say it in the middle of the morning.
	how long does a crossword puzzle take?
	Don't they take like two hours?
	Yeah, they take a while.
	Let's say you're good.
	They've got to take an hour.
	And then she's got an hour for lunch to eat a pie.
	The fuck are we doing?
	What are we doing?
	Like, what are you doing, ladies?
	Go home, make babies, shape lives.
	You have a magical gift.
	You're a fucking wizard.
	You not making babies is the exact same as Superman saying, I'm going to focus on journalism and my career as Clark Kent, the bumbling newsman.
	I'm never going to fly.
	I'm not going to crush a piece of coal and make it into a diamond.
	I'm going to remain Clark Kent, the newsman.
	That's a waste of a magic power.
	Get fired.
	Get in trouble.
	Be brave.
	And never stop fighting.
	Play the karaoke clip.
	And see what's on the slab.
	I see you shove and baby rain is not the blame.

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