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April 14, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:27:13
S02E150 - BACK IN NYC [2020-04-14 - S02E150 - BACK IN NYC]
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Time Text
How do you want to do this?
Oh, I can't do it.
You want to have a liar?
How do we go?
Get off my lawn with Gavin McKinnon.
That is bad.
Someone's recognized.
Yes.
It has to end masses on its feet.
Yeah.
And don't be nervous.
I'm not.
I feel like you're nervous.
Oh, no.
If I was careful, that's nervous.
Fuck your Albaskins, you bitch.
You should be not taking care of targets.
Here comes.
Me?
You do it.
Generals gathered in their masses.
Just like witches at Black Masses.
Evil minds that plot destruction.
Sorcerers of death's construction.
In the fields of bodies burning as the war machine keeps turning death and hatred to mankind.
Poisoning their brainwashed minds.
Oh, Lord.
That was mine.
That was a kind of cool thing.
Now we're gonna do is a continuation of my funnel.
I thought don't you buy old Lord Yow or anything like that.
Let's try to regroup and not fight.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Shepherds scaring me.
Oh, you, you, you.
All our tissues are themselves away.
They only started a war.
Yeah.
Why should they go up to fight?
They leave that role to the far.
Yeah, yeah.
I thought, yeah, but people that equal and the news.
No, those are continuations of my fame.
so when i do a rush and then it's an old warrior Wait till their judgment comes.
Yeah!
I got it.
It does make sense.
I can't wait for the breakout.
I'm glad Neil Burke killed himself so I can take over the world.
Mr. John Monk.
I know, but I'm just kidding.
They're all alive, but hey, Neil Burke, thank you for killing yourself.
Now number one.
Repetite Repetite Repetite Repetite Repetite 온ore Platt Cel fav Creep Europé Dvir Dude, that is delicious
Now when darkness was up turning, Ash is where the body is burning.
No more warp pigs have the power.
And if God has struck the hour, Day of Judgment, God is calling on their knees.
The warp peaks crawling, begging Moses for their sake.
Satan laughing spreads his wings.
Hello, yes.
What a song.
Show the camera your cuff.
Saruna Lu.
Give me a question.
Drift for the evening.
I'm fucking finished.
I'm finished.
Yo, what's up?
Black Sabbath.
Fucking karaoke session, y'all.
Up in your face, coming from the streets, coming from the front, boogie down Bronx.
We don't fuck around.
Yo!
Carol Basket, first of all, yo, what's up?
I want to let you know that we're fucking rocking out these Black Sabbath beats to the Bronx.
And if there's one priority we got, it's that Carol Baskin is a fucking bitch.
She killed her husband.
She fed him from a tiger.
And even if she did, she shot him in the head.
She buried him on her property, yo.
That's her fucking third husband.
Drawer, if you're watching, you gotta pardon Tiger King.
like We're back.
Fucking Carol Baskin-free New York City, boys.
I was going to show you what it looks like, but it's exactly the same as what it looked like before.
A smattering.
We're all smatterings of Africa.
We're in party mode.
I'm going to be wearing Hawaiian shirts for a long ass time.
That was a party Saturday night.
Easter.
Easter party.
And yesterday I was still drunk from it.
That's why yesterday's show sucks so bad.
I'm not drunk now.
But I was drunk at that video.
We let it play out a little too long.
And I apologize for that.
But I thought the ending was good and there was some quality in there.
Boy, you know, when you get to my age, Ryan, you will experience two-day hangovers, and they are something.
I don't want that.
The first day of the hangover, you're drinking just to stay alive.
Like, the way I feel now, this is how you feel after a day.
I remember being done with the hangover by noon.
Oh, it was rough.
Those three hours were rough.
Now it's those 48 hours were pretty rough.
Oh, God.
I get the horrors the day afterwards.
The horrors.
I'm like, I'm doing everything wrong.
I thought, God, I had such brutal night terrors at 5 a.m. this morning.
But I said to my wife, she goes, what's with your shirt?
And I go, I'm partying, dude.
We're done with the quarantine.
I go, people were hysterical.
And she did have a touche on me where she goes, okay, if it's so irrelevant, how did it kill so many people in China?
Why was it so devastating there?
And it took me like a day to come back.
But I came back with, they could make the measles a major pandemic.
They could do it with a common cold.
It's very easy for them to make a mountain out of a molehill.
They could have a syphilis outbreak that would devastate the entire country.
I guarantee it.
So, and then she goes, okay, so that's the way it is now.
So you're going to go out, socialize at bars.
You're going to get it and then kill me.
What if I get it from you and then I die?
Was that worth it?
And I go, I came into this conversation saying people are hysterical and you're coming back at me with, I might die.
In other words, you're being hysterical.
And being good at it, if you will.
Jesus H. So we chose that as the opening song, but I almost chose this as the opening song.
Bill McClintock has a new jam out where he's combined cameo.
Look how weird this video is.
What do you mean?
Making eggs?
Ow.
Mustache?
What kind of music is this?
Funk?
Dance Spunk?
Dance Spunk?
I think in this video he rips his pants off.
Whoa.
Get out of this fucking seat.
Crule's here.
Meanwhile, if Vince Neal came up to a biker at a strip cup and said, I'm sitting here, the biker would go, do you want me to throw you out that fucking window?
You're going to need to go to Dr. Feelgood, stupid.
You're going to need some painkillers after I rip your head off.
This rules.
Damn.
He does two things that are great.
So he does the mashup, and that's, you know, we've seen that a million times.
But then he does it with the video too.
*music*
I always thought that song Girls was retarded.
You like girls, so you're heterosexual.
So you represent, what, 99% of the population and 99% of men?
I think really hot strippers in lingerie dancing around, I find that attractive.
Wow.
Might as well be like food, food, food.
Exactly, yeah.
Air, air, air.
And not just, not a cheeseburger, but just food.
Good food.
I like good food.
You do?
Yeah.
You know what else I like?
When you're super thirsty and then someone hands you a nice big thing, a Gatorade.
Yeah.
Drinks, drinks, drinks.
When you're feeling thirsty, you're quenching all that thirst.
Drinks, drinks, drinks.
Staying.
Staying hydrated, not being too thirsty.
Necessary for your bodily functions.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
After a hard day crashing in your bed.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
And don't forget, waking up too.
Yeah, it's a separate song.
I love blowjobs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have a lot of nerve endings in my penis.
And when they're stimulated by soft tissue, whether it's a mouse or a vagina, Accidentally.
I just accidentally gave away the fact that I'm a mouse fucker.
Oh no.
Oh my god, I'm so fucking embarrassed.
You're a mouse fucker.
That's how small my dick is.
It's a mouse.
Hungry like a rodent.
Take it, bitch.
That's the only time I really feel like a man is when I'm just fucking splitting a mouse in half.
And they don't split in half, but you'll see the mouse after is like, whoa.
And they walk kind of funny, I've noticed, after I've had like a two-hour session with fucking slam oddly away.
If you see a mouse limping in Manhattan, it's probably because I just had a major fuck sash.
Yeah, you shake your head and say, oh, Gavin.
That's why mites are scared of me.
You'll notice if I walk into a room, they just scamper?
Because they don't want to have their pussy stretched.
What you doing, man?
Just sitting around stretching mouse pussies.
What about you?
You know, MPs.
That's what we say in Canada, by the way, for not working hard.
Fucking the dog.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
And it's said not with any humor whatsoever.
Like if you're mad at someone at work for not pulling their weight, they'll go, and fucking, Mark's a total dog fucker, slowing down production on everything.
And the person wouldn't go, they would go, I knew he was a dog fucker.
So he just, he's been fucking the dog like since he started working there?
Yeah.
I mean, it wasn't that, he wasn't fucking the dog so much.
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
This coffee is very strong.
That was too much of indecence.
Thanks for showing us your desktop.
It looks cool.
All right.
COVID is boring.
Trump is not.
And sometimes they overlap.
So we discussed.
Trump is the most entertaining president in the history of America.
When I write Trump on my little notes here, I feel as excited as if I was writing fat feminists.
Like there's just so much good content.
I couldn't imagine talking about George W. Bush this much or Bill Clinton.
I don't even think, like Huffington Post said, we're not going to put Trump on the political page because we're going to put him on entertainment.
Wherein Trump, of course, said, Ariana Huffington, didn't your husband leave if you're a man?
I think he made the right choice.
I kind of agree with him, though.
Like, I don't consider, I consider politics pretty boring.
I'm about to talk about Trump.
I don't consider this boring politics stock at all.
Not at all.
In fact, Islam, when I talk about Islam and communism, that's the serious part of the show.
This isn't the serious part of the show.
So anyway, we were talking last week when we were in Ryan's shitty fucking apartment.
I am so glad to be out of that.
I miss it.
Shithole.
I miss it.
Holy crap.
I would go there.
I'd wake him up inevitably.
And then he takes like an hour and a half to get ready.
He has like a 40-minute shower, puts air conditioner, I mean, conditioner on his balls.
If I expect.
Air conditions his balls.
I didn't think you'd be showing up so early sometimes, so I would just, yeah, they gotta do it.
And then for breakfast, he'll make like a, it was delicious, but he'll make like a whole thing with bacon and tomatoes.
And like, what the fuck are we doing?
Is this a Thanksgiving breakfast?
It's delicious.
You should show your face, too, by the way.
Oh, yes.
Where am I?
Are you over Tiger King yet?
No.
Not even close.
Oh, here I am.
It's been a while.
When you do your Tiger King, there's kind of a you and you.
You gotta do a little bit of Kyle Biskins.
Biskins.
Kyle Biskins.
She's one of the ableest women I ever met.
Are you ashamed to be Asian?
Is that why you put your brim down and you grow your bangs over your eyes?
No.
I want to tell you Asian something.
I see you on the streets and the women too.
They'll wear big sunglasses and then dye their hair blonde and they're like, I'm white.
We know that you're Asian.
We can just tell.
I can't explain it.
I have a theory.
You can tell Asians from behind.
Yeah.
Like Asian guys.
You just see a little bit of cheek like this, and that's an Asian guy.
Yeah.
Weird.
I don't know why they want to be white so bad, but I have this theory I'm working on where I think there's a Chinese accent, like a voice in English, even if they were born here and didn't live anywhere near Chinatown.
Oh, yeah.
So you adopt an Asian girl from China, plop her into the middle of Connecticut, raise her, and I feel like blindfolded, I could determine it.
Yep.
I could determine it.
Do the Korean American people, they sound so, they have a, like, they sound white, but it's so distinct.
They sound Asian white.
I wonder if there's an octave for that.
All right.
So we were talking last week about the way they talked to Obama and his hard-hitting questions like, I was reading Michelle Obama's book, which is wonderful, by the way.
And I was thinking about your children.
And how would you say your presidency has impacted history?
And how would you impart that to your children, your two beautiful daughters, who are gifts from God, by the way?
And then he goes on a 10-minute diatribe about parenting.
Sometimes you learn more from them than they learn from you.
Tears.
This little salt and pepper hair.
All right, so compare those, all those years of ass licking we endured, eight years, to this.
This sounds like, this is one too I'm talking about.
This sounds like someone lecturing a naughty brat.
Like she sounds like a mom who's just had enough of her toddler.
Or is this rant supposed to make people in an unprecedented crisis?
Nobody thought we should do it.
And when I did it.
But what did you do with the time that you bought?
You know what we did?
What do you do when you have no case in the whole United States?
Excuse me.
You reported it.
Zero cases, zero deaths on January 17th.
You have a complete gap.
On January 30th.
You went to February for the time that you were travel man thought.
A lot.
And in fact, we'll give you a list.
What we did, in fact, part of it was up there.
We did a lot.
Look, look.
Listen to the way she's talking to the president of the United States.
Like, why doesn't she just give him a timeout?
And by the way, Trump tried to prevent this problem with closed borders, and you freaked out and called it racist.
And now you're mad that he didn't protect you enough.
He showed it in that video.
What?
Yeah, he played a video, a montage of everybody saying coronavirus isn't going to be a thing, and why is he closing down the borders?
And then afterwards, they're like, he didn't act soon enough.
He's like, we closed down the borders before there was one case.
But listen, one case.
And, you know, MSNBC, while they were airing this press conference, they cut away from the video.
We're getting to that.
We're getting to that.
Oh, thanks, Newsman.
You know, you're a fake.
That's on the board.
It's got to be.
So that your whole network, the way you cover it, is fake.
And most of you, and not all of you, but the people are wise to you.
That's why you have a lower approval rating than you've ever had before, times probably three.
And when you ask me that question, let me ask you this: why didn't Biden, why didn't Biden apologize?
Why did he write a letter of apology?
I don't care.
Oh, that's very important.
Why did the Democrats think that I acted too quickly?
You know why?
Because they really thought that I acted too quickly.
We have done a great job.
Now, I could have kept it open, and I could have done what some countries are doing.
They're getting beat up pretty badly.
See, this is a New York thing, and I think it's ultimately a Northeast thing, and I think that's ultimately a Scottish thing.
All of the upstate New York was settled by Scots, and the Scotch-Irish culture is a big part of New York culture, and it's also a big part of the South.
They've done tests, by the way, where they walk people down this dark hallway, and Midwesterners, Pacific Northwesterners, they'll have little holes in the hallway, and they'll go, fuck you.
Hey, shithead.
Hey, what?
Yeah.
And they've noticed that like Californians will just go and just keep walking, but Southerners and New Yorkers will stop and go, what the fuck?
Who's there?
What was that?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Wow.
That sounds amazing.
Yeah.
Like Milo and I are fighting on Telegram and he's like, ooh, stay mad, old man.
Ooh, I got you real mad, didn't I?
And I'm like, yeah.
He's like, I think I finally broke you.
And I'm like, Milo, you can't break a rabid dog.
You can only make it bite you.
Like, I'm in a constant state of rage.
I'm never not mad.
Like, I remember that story I told you where the guy goes, because I didn't stop my car to let him cross and he's 15 feet from a crosswalk.
I jumped out of the car and I guess you could say he trolled me and I got real mad.
You mad, bro?
Yeah.
Mad's not an insult.
I think it's very healthy for men to constantly be mad and punching holes in walls.
It's called being alive.
You should be on a first name basis with the Mexican who comes and fixes the holes in your wall.
And don't tell me to do it myself.
It never looks good.
It has to be a laborer.
Every time, especially a fist hole.
So yeah, I'm never not mad.
I remember talking to not Joe DeRosa, Phil Matteris.
Joe Mataris.
Joe Matterse.
And when I first met him, he had that show.
I mean, he might still have it called Fixing Joe or something.
Right.
That podcast.
And he's like, yo, he talks like the guy who's selling blue oyster cult tickets in Fast Entertainment.
I only had two tickets in the front if you want to sit there.
He's like, yo, man, I used to be really bad before I got on this medication with my temper.
I was like, what do you, you strangled children?
What did you do?
Fucking crash your car into trees?
Because that's bad.
But he goes, no, I would just get mad.
I'd yell fucking stuff.
Sometimes I'd even like punch the car.
Yeah, that's being a man.
You used medication to take that away from yourself?
Why don't you fucking get your tubes tied too?
Just get a ding.
What's that?
The thing where it's a suction cup that takes dings out of your car?
Oh, yeah, a ding.
Have you seen, people keep sending me this, by the way.
Have you seen these guys who are getting vasectomies for March Madness?
It's called like a March Vastness?
Okay, that's not what it's called.
But what they do is you're allowed to stay off of work for whatever, five days after you get a vasectomy.
So they're going, well, that's a great way.
Yeah.
Sports cancellation, one group of fans particularly deflated vasectomy patients.
So they would get a vasectomy so they could take advantage of the five days off during March madness.
Vasectomy parties are one of the darkest things.
We're going to look back on that and just go, what the fuck?
I hope.
It seems so depraved to me.
Oh, speaking of depraved, we'll get back to Trump in a second.
I was watching a horror movie last night called I Am Jazz.
Wow.
I just, my jaw was on the ground the whole show.
I was alone with a bottle of wine because we ran out of, we drank all our booze.
And I was just like this for, and it's a really long show too.
I think it's like an, over an hour, but I was like this for one hour.
Like it was biblical.
I don't think I'd ever sat and watched.
This particular episode was the last episode.
And she has this gay guy who has a crush on her, which is perfectly healthy if you're gay, right?
No one has a problem with that.
The marriage thing, you kind of tricked us a little bit.
But as far as like a gay liking a gay, what the fuck ever.
But no, if you're having those feelings, then you don't feel right in your body.
So you're a woman.
So this poor Jazz has a gunshot wound in a chicken between her legs.
And this gay guy who has a crush on it basically gets so encouraged to have bottom surgery that she sort of becomes her, Jazz becomes the other guy's sponsor.
And then both families go to the operation where he, and we saw the operation in another episode, right?
Where they, oh, God, it is like we, I mean, when I was a kid, the scariest thing you could think of was the Colombian necktie, which Colombian drug dealers would cut your throat and then pull your tongue out the hole.
They do that to snitches.
And you'd hear that and just go, whoa.
That's the craziest, darkest.
Wow.
I'm never getting involved with the Colombian drug cartels, that's for sure.
This Colombian necktie, that's a fucking zit now.
That's an ingrown toenail.
We're looping shit around, pulling out back.
That's the guy.
So they're so excited.
They were just working out.
That's why they look like that.
But she's really excited for him to get his bottom surgery.
She even did a GoFundMe and helped raise like 25 grand.
And her surgery was tricky because she took hormones so early, her dick basically looked like yours.
So there's not a lot to work with.
But luckily, he started his hormones late.
So there was a lot of bag skin and penis skin.
he probably had a huge, it would be funny if he had a huge card.
So he was able to make it like, how is this less dark than The Omen or Friday the 13th?
The Omen.
There's more mutilation in this show than a Jason Voorhees movie.
They make all of ancient Rome look like a freaking nun place.
It's like, if you played this in a church, people would burst into flames.
Look at the smiling.
They're all smiling about him about to massacre himself.
So I'm going to do that.
Now he's clearly in love with it.
So the blonde guy's named Noel.
The other girl is named Jazz.
And the poor bastard, the poor lost mentally okay, is obviously in love with Jazz.
So he does what she wants, and she wants you to get bottom surgery, just like, oh, they didn't Photoshop out that butthole.
Just like, of course, oh, wait, wait, pause, pause.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
What?
They want him to get bottom surgery just like she did.
Jazz Jennings has mental problems.
And this is why their suicide rate is so bad because they're manic depressive, bipolar, whatever.
Then they chop it off, thinking they'll cure everything.
They still feel fucked up.
So she's at that point.
And her dad bought her a meditation urn.
Like we're watching someone who's about to murder themselves.
Is that where she puts the ashes of her dead genitals?
Oh, my goodness.
What are you doing?
I love this thing.
I had a crazy theory that one of the reasons the mom is so eager to normalize trans is because she looks like a trans.
Oh, they talk about dilating a lot in this episode, too.
Dilating?
Yeah, when the mother is very strict about dilating.
You know what that is?
Like opening up the hole?
Yeah, keeping the hole from sealing because the poor body is going, there's been a major catastrophe here.
Send some red blood cells.
We got to fix this hole.
I don't know what happened to her dick.
I guess she's in World War II.
We got some heavy lifting, boys.
We're going to do it a lot of overtime.
And then the plastic dildo is like, no, you're not.
This stays here.
Think of a pierced ear.
What?
So go farther ahead to Noel in the hospital.
Look, she's still suicidal, dumbass, you shitty parent.
Commercial.
A mershey.
That is really twisted.
That was nothing.
Like, that's nothing.
The boy in the hospital going, I'm so happy.
And then the dad, like, stroking his hair.
Because the assumption is, my son will kill himself if I don't let him do this.
No, your son will kill himself if you let him do this.
Your son feels weird because he's gay, and it's weird to be gay, just like it's weird to be an albino, just like it's weird to be left-handed.
There's, of course, degrees of weird, but we were put here on the earth to propagate the species.
Oh, okay, Gavin.
So if a woman's ovaries don't work, if she's infertile, then she doesn't exist.
She's not a woman?
Well, of course not, but she is pretty sad, and it is a sad situation.
And people spend $50,000 on on vitro trying to reverse that.
And women bawl their eyes out.
They don't go, yeah, I'm infertile.
So as you walk around, it's like, gay, you feel weird, and you're trying to figure out what it must be.
And you look down and you go, maybe if I'm like, I'm attracted to dicks and stuff and making out with dudes, women seem happy.
They do that.
Why don't I just become a woman?
And then the next thing you know, I'll be gardening and going to my potluck things and we'd have the book club and I'd just be a normal gal.
You know why this is such a perfect reality show too?
Because they know exactly how to act like a woman on a reality show because that's their idea of what a woman is.
When they sit like this and they're just like talking to each other and they're just like, so pretty much boopa doopa doop.
And then do you say something and they're just sitting cross-legged across from each other?
Just like LARPing.
Okay, can we jump ahead?
We're running out of time here.
Because it's way down the end.
Do you have to go through a whole cycle of commercials?
Yeah.
All right, fuck it.
This is like the fifth one.
Anyway, just trust me that the dad, the poor bastard's sitting in a hospital bed like, oh, and she's giving him painkillers and shit.
Oh, Jesus.
Yikes.
It doesn't hurt that bad after the first three weeks.
But chopping your...
Chopping it and looping it and twisting it and opening it and then pulling up a thing and then burning a clit and making a piss hole.
Like the welding stick and smoke's coming up as you burn the hole.
They make the Muslim female circumcision look like...
Just get a little bike lick out.
Not bad.
So you can't jump ahead to 80%.
I think we're going to deal with some commercials.
All right.
That's a recording here.
Oh, yeah.
We don't want to.
All right, Frank, Frank.
All right.
Let's get back to Trump.
So we showed you that bratty bitch going, but I'm talking about February.
You didn't do enough.
You screwed up.
16,000 people died because of you, Trump.
You don't care about us enough.
Fuck you.
I think this is an Alyssa Milano tweet where she just says, for fuck's sakes.
Why are there no consequences for China for the misinformation that you're going to be doing?
No, there are no consequences.
We have been asked in 10 years.
What are the consequences, Mr. President?
I wouldn't tell you.
China will find out.
Why would I tell you?
No, you started off by saying, why are there no consequences?
I did this a few times.
Why are there no consequences?
You're going to find out.
I don't talk to my in-laws like that.
It's too disrespectful.
Like, I might talk to my dad like that, but we're peers.
I don't think I'd talk to my mother like that.
I definitely wouldn't talk to your mother like that.
Like, I don't talk to postmen like that.
Can we have a little bit of, I mean, I know I'm punk and everything and have an irreverent show, but can we have a modicum of decorum, please?
It's the president of the most powerful country in the world, and you're acting like you just went peepee on your poo-poo.
And you're basically asking him to air out my poo.
To tell his plan on how to retaliate to China.
No, she's scored.
What She's trying to do it's almost like a cross-examination.
Now, that's what these are more than a press conference.
It's a cross-examination.
And first, it's your fault.
You didn't do enough in February.
This is, you're a pussy.
You're not going to punish China.
Yeah, before they were like, why are you blaming China?
It's like your girlfriend's fat friend who doesn't like you.
And it's just like, what are you going to do for her?
You guys had a camping trip planned.
You canceled at the last second.
And then she's sitting next to her going, Dina, it's okay.
It's like, Dina.
And then I'm just sitting there saying to the fat chick, why are you getting involved, Dina?
Why don't you get your own boyfriend?
And then you can bitch and moan at him and stay out of our relationship.
But she's really sabotaging it because she wants more time with her friend.
She's a fat friend.
Dina.
How many marriages and relationships have been ruined by the fat friend?
Girl, you don't need him.
He'd be the last person on earth, I'd tell.
Go ahead.
Yeah, please.
So that's the same thing twice.
And now Alyssa and Judd are freaking out.
And by the way, why is a cunt and a clown, Alyssa Milano and Judd Appetow, why are they part of the national conversation?
Alyssa Milano is a shitty actress that was in a crappy show that Ryan likes.
I don't like it.
And Judd Appetow, he's like a clown.
He does funny movies.
But let's see what he has to say about politics.
It's even like, I was thinking today, I saw this Seth, oh, we have this Seth Meyer video I'll get to in a second.
But I'm watching it and I'm thinking, the research is just terrible, right?
And I'm thinking, oh, of course it's terrible.
Seth Meyer is a milquetoast stand-up comedian who did weekend report.
And the people who write the jokes are all fat comic book nerds who aren't known for their research.
Research is hard.
When you read Ann Coulter's book, I think it's in Trump We Trust, and she's talking about how she got to the number 30 million for the number of illegals here.
And there's so much fake news out there trying to tell you it's 12 million, but she's breaking it through, showing this report, this PDF, and this study.
And she gets to her 30 million.
And no one gives her credit for this, but she's an incredible researcher.
It's not an easy thing to do.
There's very few of them who are talented.
The other guy, who's Dan Matt Palumbo, is another guy who's very good at it.
It's a rare skill.
And to just throw it on a comedian's lap who was just watching the Hulk.
So let's see what Alissa and Judd are mad about.
What does he say?
How even one person in this country supports this demented, evil crook will always shock and horrify.
Hillary Clinton warned everyone in language which some people were offended by.
Now we see she didn't go far enough.
You said when someone is president of the United States, their authority is total.
That is not true.
Okay, so you know what we're going to do?
We're going to write up papers on this.
It's not going to be necessary because the governors need us one way or the other because ultimately it comes with the federal government.
That being said, we're getting along very well with the governors, and I feel very certain that there won't be a problem.
Yeah, please, go ahead.
Has any governor agreed that you have the authority to decide when their statements are?
I haven't touched up the buddy.
You know why?
Because I don't have to.
Go ahead, please.
But who told you that they're not authorized?
It's a war.
Like, this is a fight.
I've never seen this before in any presidency.
This sort of constant badgering.
I like the enough, please part.
I haven't touched up the buddy.
Right here.
You know why?
Because I don't have to.
Go ahead, please.
But who told you the president had been total local hardware?
Enough.
Please.
I have that on the board.
Maybe that's a video drop.
Oh, I got it.
Enough.
Enough, please.
Enough.
Yeah, that's how you treat him.
That's how New Yorkers treat people who are badgering them.
So anyway, he's getting attacked and he has a chance to retaliate.
So he gets on and he goes, can you believe this shit fucking coming out of here?
These cunts keep screaming at me.
And so CNN just cuts him off.
So here's Laura Ingram talking about it.
That was great.
Oh, no, it was task force.
And they can dish it out to Trump.
They can accuse him of everything, xenophobia, racism.
And the second he stands up and calls them on their nonsense, they cry foul and cut away.
We are cutting into what was not a White House coronavirus task force briefing.
I am Ari Melbourne.
Our special coverage continues.
We are going to avoid airing any more of this White House briefing until it returns to the US.
Dude, this is something it was supposed to be, which was the coronavirus task force providing medical information.
So they don't like the tables being turned on them.
I love it.
There's a reason why the majority.
Isn't that amazing?
This is actually a And this is Larry Elders saying why the media hates him.
I want to ask you something about this, by the way.
Okay, go ahead and play it.
Democrats believe that President Trump said that there were good Nazis and bad Nazis and good white nationalists and bad white nationalists.
There's a reason why the majority of Democrats believe that Donald Trump mocked the handicap reporter when he did no such thing.
There's a reason that the majority of Democrats believe that Donald Trump referred to the coronavirus as a hoax.
There's a reason that the majority of Democrats believe the Russians not only interfered with the election, Sean and Sean, but believe that the Russians actually changed vote tallies.
And the answer is the liberal media, the bias, the hatred towards Trump, the hatred towards Republicans, the hatred towards conservatives.
And this is the president who, for the first time.
Bananas.
So weird.
Okay, keep going.
It's like making a sword that is hurting people that you like.
Wow, you really need to go to an analogy class.
In a full-throated manner and taken on the media.
I don't understand this.
Is he joking?
Is that a joke?
The Sopranos was over before Trump was running for office.
I don't understand.
Can you explain that to me?
Maybe some viewers at home can send him a letter.
I'm scraping my brain, and I got nothing.
I'm usually the master of coming up with At least something, even if it's horse shit.
Sopranos, you mean the actors who play on the show?
Anyway, maybe making Tony Soprano look like it, but no, what?
And call them fake news, and they can't stand it.
Oh, they are kidding.
That's the Superman logo.
They started out saying it's these guys, and then they just are joking now, right?
They realize too late he was a serious candidate, and now they're mad at themselves for making him the president of the United States.
In February, did you catch that?
All right, that's enough.
That's enough, Trump, for one day.
But did you catch that?
He's saying that they all laughed and mocked and gave him tons of airtime and provoked.
This is what you did, dumbasses.
You provoked the Rust Belt and the Midwest and Southerners and called them all trash and beneath you and they're fucking disgusting.
I told you I heard the manager of my bar, I won't say the name of it, saying that the entire, it's weird hearing Democrats with a New York accent.
I'll never, it's almost as weird as when you see union guys like electricians and plumbers with pro-Hillary signs and you're like, do you guys have to wash your hands after you're done your rally?
I know we hate her.
I love cartoons, you know, the fucking little cat with the dog.
I like that.
But he goes, I swear to God, they should just have a fucking, I wish just a giant hurricane just would wash out the middle of the States and just drain it into the Gulf of Mexico.
Just leave the coastal cities.
Hearing that sentiment with that accent is like eating out Jazz Jennings.
Enough.
Please.
Okay, okay.
I'll stop talking about Trump.
But no, this is the last thing.
I alluded to this earlier, so I have to get to it.
This Seth Meyers myth.
You can watch this whole video on your own.
I've never heard of this dude before.
What's his name?
Seth Meyers.
Are you kidding?
Yes.
Thank God.
Let me zoom out.
Donald Trump is both an emblem and an enabler of a broken government.
And that government has put lives at risk with its arrogance and incompetence.
His eyebrows are one of the best.
Looks like an old lady.
Hollywood elite talk show host.
We've come to Seth Meyers, and on his recent latest segment about President Trump, he again, like others, misinterprets.
I'm sorry, this is off topic, but Seth, has it occurred to you that it's really distracting to have a black hinge and a black handle on either side of your head?
I can't concentrate.
...and lies straight to his audience about President Trump.
But today, he's finally getting debunked on Scott's sovereignty.
But before we start, welcome everyone to Scott's...
Scout more, dude.
Oh, that's it.
Me?
Yeah.
No, that's the whole.
No, I can't.
I want to see view counts.
Oh, oh, okay.
Yeah, the people at home, they want to be able to see who the uploader is.
We're an America-first channel where every day we make fun of the radical left and discuss the serious issues impacting America today.
If you want to support our channel, please leave a like, comment, and the most important thing you can do is to click the subscribe button and hit the notification bell so you don't miss our next upload.
And let's begin.
In the beginning of his criticisms of Trump, he states that Trump doesn't like to hear the word testing and that he complains that the federal government's job is not to test people.
Let's watch.
At one of his daily press conferences this week, as the U.S. was continuing to face down a deadly virus spreading rapidly throughout the country, he bristled when the word testing came up and complained that it wasn't the federal government's job to test people.
Testing is still a big issue in this country.
It's really sped up, so everyone's voice sounds like it.
When can hospitals expect to receive a quick turnaround?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Hospitals can do their own testing also.
States can do their own testing.
States are supposed to be doing testing.
Hospitals are supposed to be doing testing.
Do you understand that?
With a federal government, listen, with a federal government, we're not supposed to stand on street corners doing testing.
Trump thinks testing happens on street corners because if he weren't president, he'd definitely be selling fake tests on street corners right now.
Taking one thing he says out of the whole picture and running with it as the truth is stupid.
Congratulations.
You're impressing nobody.
Now, onto his claims about Trump not liking the word testing.
I mean, let's look at it in his situation.
The media's priority is to sensationalize this virus as they're glorifying and scaring the American public, even though they're supposed to do the opposite.
So when another one of these reporters try to come and bring this sensationalization of the virus to President Trump, he doesn't like it because it's taking away the airtime from the questions that Americans need to know and the information he's trying to tell us.
Also, President Trump never said that it isn't the federal government's job to test people.
He uses the word also, like if done, to imply that it isn't just one entity or thing that's responsible for doing all the work, but multiple.
We live in a federal-style government.
That means local and state government don't have to wait for the federal government.
He also talks about how Seth Myers says it's horrible that we've lost Bernie because he was going to give us Medicare for all.
And the host, that Scott guy, says, but you just said that the government is broken.
So on the one hand, you hate this government and think it's useless.
And then on the other hand, you want them to have even more power and control everyone's personal health.
And again, I've lived in Britain.
I've lived in Canada.
Medicare for all ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's pretty shitty.
My grandmother died waiting for a hip replacement while refugees were put ahead of her.
She said, I'm 92 years old.
I should have a platinum health card by now for all the money I've paid into this.
And I've got a two-year waiting list.
Two years to wait for hips.
Well, these bloody, and she did use a bad racial epithet, these bloody packies get shot to the front of the line.
Speaking of refugees, welcome.
No one is talking, did we cover this yet?
This seven-year-old who was beheaded by a Muslim?
They just say like, some crazy lady hurt a girl.
No, a Muslim beheaded a seven-year-old girl.
Refugees welcome in Britain.
Turns out the smelling laws did try to behead her in the MSN are hiding the facts.
People in this country need to take back control now.
This is Emmy Samuel who was stabbed to death in Bolton Park.
So again, we value not seeming xenophobic over not just our own lives, but our children's lives.
You can behead a seven-year-old girl as long as when I report it, I don't get too offensive.
Let's not stir the pot.
Fucking insane.
So yeah, don't get that excited about Medicare.
We have a lot of high-quality letters that I kind of want to get to.
I have a bunch of other silly stories, but nothing pressing.
And I feel like we've already got the news portion out of the way.
What do you say?
I say.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a death.
Let's turn our eyes together.
Let me touch it.
Okay, I want to jump to one.
This seems to have fair reporting of it, by the way.
The Geller Report?
What's the Geller Report, Ryan?
I don't know.
Is that Michelle Geller?
Michelle Geller.
Who's that?
Pamela Geller, sorry.
Yes, of course it's Pamela Geller.
But this has the full.
The woman we've had on the show several times, who I consider a friend, who I've had beers with.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, her site seems to have good coverage of the story.
Yeah.
She also had her children doxed, and it's completely disappeared from the public eye since then.
So she's not exactly a good example of the news being fair.
She's the only one brave enough to do it, and they ruined her life and jeopardized her children's safety because of it.
Hey, Gavin and Ryan, I'm a big fan of the show.
What do you think of the possibility of a universal DH for the 2020 season?
Do you know what that is?
No.
Designated hitter.
Yes.
How would that affect the Mets?
So right now in the American League, pitchers don't have to hit.
And you can have guys whose sole job is just hitting.
The National League, which the Mets are in, they don't do that.
But let's talk to an expert on this subject, my son.
*Bell rings*
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
How are you?
Good.
How would a universal DH affect the Mets?
Well, it would more help them than affect them.
The only thing it will affect them, well, the only thing bad is that the Mets have really good hitting pitchers.
And then when they're playing other teams in the National League, then when their pitchers are up, it's not always an automatic out like some teams.
But it's really good because they'll probably have like JD Davis as their DH.
And he's like a really good hitter.
But he's a really bad defender, so that's why they're going to make him a DH.
And that means that the Mets will have an extra hitter that's not a pitcher 650 times throughout the season.
Oh, really?
Oh, you did the math.
Every time that like Cindergaard's hitting, that would be a much better hitter 650 times.
Right.
And also, I don't want DeGrom and Cindergaard batting.
I'm scared of them hurting themselves.
Yeah, I guess.
And similarly, I want Cespidus just to be a hitter.
I don't like him out there in the field.
The guy is always twisting his ankle and hurting himself.
When did we last have Cespidus on the field?
I don't remember.
Like a year and a half ago.
A long time ago.
I remember he came back for two games and then got hurt again.
Yeah.
Okay, so are you pro or against universal designated hitter for the entire for All-American All-National?
Pro, I guess.
Even though it's kind of exciting to see pictures hit.
Last year DeGrom was like one of the only players in a super long time to hit a home run and throw and pitch a shutout.
I'm pretty sure.
It was something like that, but it was cool.
Yeah, that's exciting.
I was thinking, because they're doing it to get more action in the game.
But if you want more action in the game, maybe set the pitchers mound back a little bit.
Yeah, I never really thought of that.
Well, if you need any help with baseball, I'm your guy, okay?
All right.
See you later.
Johnny's a noob.
Check that one in.
Did you hear what he says?
Yes.
Johnny's a noob.
Johnny may have gotten him with the best one of all time, though.
Who was that?
He was like, Duncan was saying, I'm trying to remember all the teams that have had shutouts in the past three years.
There's the White Sox, and then as he's going through that list, Johnny, who's only seven and pronounces church church and merch mooch, says, hmm, I'm trying to think of all the people that are a noob.
There's, and then just says his brother's name six times in a row.
All right, this is Jason.
We all remember the Proclaimers and their 500 mile song that was played to death in the 80s.
But it came across this cool jam of theirs a while back.
Stop making a while one word, Benny Johnson.
It's two words.
you stupid fuck.
You know You know who you know he did 500 miles.
Do you remember that?
No.
Yeah.
I don't understand it.
I'm not going to talk about it.
Alright, that's enough.
Thanks.
That reminds me, by the way, I was going to mention this 2-9.
We have discovered the origin of the word fuck.
And of course, it's from Scotland.
I thought it was German, from frickin' to strike.
Well, I thought it was an acronym for unlawful carnal knowledge, but apparently a bored Scottish student in 1568 wrote it in a manuscript.
And this is Cora Bissett.
Cora Bissett is a Scottish treasure.
She's a singer.
She's from a small mining town that Maggie Thatcher had to shut down.
Everyone hated Thatcher in Scotland, but Maggie Thatcher shut it down because it was impossible to mine there.
It got flooded.
But yeah, what's it say?
Maybe I wrote it up.
Dating back to the 16th century, the Bennettine manuscript is a collection of poems written by George Bennettin while he was a board student locked in his Edinburgh home due to the plague.
Oh, we should have come up with some swear words with this pandemic.
What about shasless?
Kaka.
Fuck.
No, that's already.
You've got to have a k.
How about?
What about Chishmaxhton?
No, it's too shh-sh.
How about tinct?
Tinct is...
You're frank.
It's too much like shit.
Stick.
You clisp?
Pick.
Clisp.
Puck.
Flick.
Strack.
Pock.
Pock and flick.
Pock.
Pock's pretty good.
Pock.
No, because it sounds too much like fuck.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Boy, you have to go back to the 16th century in order to come up with words.
And you'd have to make one invented.
And you have to make one applicable to sexual activity as well.
I want to plick you so bad.
Fuck Pock.
Yeah, Pock.
I don't know.
Maybe work backwards from that point.
Gavin and Ryan, why does Jacob Wall have his own show and why is he getting any airtime from you guys?
Before CPAC, the guy is a hoaxer.
A clown like that other Wiener Fuentes.
So be careful.
The hoax that I'd be careful.
What's he going to do?
Bite me?
Check out Jacob Wall's Wikipedia.
But it's pretty bad, no.
They call him a fraudster in Wikipedia.
Isn't this supposed to be a dictionary?
I thought mine was bad, but Jacob Wall's is worse.
It's worse than yours.
If you don't like a show on the network, I don't watch it.
I don't understand why you would complain.
You're not paying any more money for it.
I keep adding them.
If there was a whole sports page that was just Mets talk, and it was an hour a day of MetsTalk, why would you give a shit?
Just don't click on the sports page.
Is an American far right?
They love that fucking word far right.
Conspiracy theorist, fraudster, and internet troll.
Fuck.
Fraudster.
You can't put fraudster in the dictionary, can you?
John Tessie.
Oop, I'm going to say his name.
Why don't people want their names said, by the way?
You're going to get fired for having written to a show?
You're going to get in trouble for writing to a show?
You're going to be brave for writing into a show?
John, could you just step into my office, please?
Yeah, boss.
Were you watching a show?
Yeah.
Did you know that's a far-right show?
And the network has a fraudster on it?
You're fired.
I told you not to watch shows that are politically different from me on your spare time.
Yeah.
Because we're living in fucking crazy Soviet 1984 thing?
God, grow some fucking balls, John.
Sorry if you already answered this, but I definitely never heard of a big Kenny versus Spenny fan.
Why?
It's fake.
And I'm obviously aware you judged who is cooler competition.
I was wondering what you think of those guys.
Do you have any good stories about them?
And I've said on your own your interaction.
I want to fuck you with my heels.
A lot of people ask that.
Yeah, a lot of people ask that.
A lot of people ask about the Kenny Spenny.
It's got a big cult following.
Yeah, I like Kenny Spenny.
Fine.
I think Spenny is a fucking loser.
But Kenny Hotz is a high-quality dude.
He was a writer for South Park.
So was Kirsten Schall, who's on Bob's Burgers now.
But the problem with being a writer for South Park is it's 99.9% written by the gay dude.
What's his name?
I didn't know he was gay, Trey Parker or Matt Stone?
Trey Parker.
So it's just Matt Stone playing.
Oh, this is them being each other.
It's just Matt Stone, Christian Schaul, and Kenny Hotz playing video games.
Forget it.
Time out.
This is not part of the competition.
What the fuck are you doing?
That is...
Yes.
I want to crew everybody in here.
I don't know if I have any great Kenny Hots stories.
He's a high-quality dude.
His dad died at a young age.
I consider him a friend.
Even no matter how much the shit hits the fan of my life, he's always there, always happy to talk.
One funny thing we did, we were at Max Fish, the bar in these village where I met my wife, and there was some guy writing in his journal.
And I'm mean.
Ain't no nice guy.
And so is Kenny.
And we were talking and we're going, can you imagine the kind of shit garbage that's in that thing?
And he goes, oh my God, who brings a journal to a bar?
It was late at night, too.
Like, it's not a cafe at 2 p.m.
So I said to him, I walked over to him and I said, oh, I have that exact journal.
He's like, oh, yeah.
And he closes it and he's like, yeah, it's moleskin, I guess, leather.
And I go, actually, no, that looks thicker than mine.
Can I see that?
And I'm holding up.
I go, oh, no, no, this is my.
No.
No.
I still have it somewhere.
Wow.
Yeah.
You have it here.
I might, you know.
You son of a bitch.
Oh, that's my yearbook.
I'll dig it up sometime.
That's banana.
Yeah, I have a few.
I've been stealing diaries for a long time.
Holy crap.
I have a big book I should show on the show.
Glad you're not in my apartment anymore because I'm a diary kind of guy.
You're not.
I know.
Well, you're illiterate.
What are you going to write?
Me play video game today.
Just draw a dog.
Is he having mean?
And then a sad face with tears.
Looks like he saw a shitty dog every day of his life.
I felt worthless.
I felt ugly.
I felt gay.
There's one I'll dig up.
And she's obviously just got a dark room.
So there's all these pictures of her and her friends, but she's like 17 or 18.
And so there's nothing there, right?
You have all this awesome technology and these beautiful prints of just like your friend, your fat friend, like the one we were talking about at the beginning of the show, just like going, looking out.
And then she has this handwritten poetry about all.
And she's writing about herself like she's Anne Frank or something.
And it says, it'll have Melissa with like her stupid sweater on looking out over a lake.
And it says, Melissa was the first one to befriend her.
Ew.
Elizabeth II.
They laughed a lot.
I miss them.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That sounds really depressing.
It's really good.
What's crazy Dinash thinks he's a dope?
You know what we'll do?
We'll get like, we'll put the camera high and shoot it down, and I can turn the pages like that.
We'll have a diary day.
I'll bring in all my stolen diaries.
Thank you for that suggestion.
Doodle Cam, Stolen Diaries.
A guy named Joe recommending the song we just played.
Hey, Gav, I remember you wearing a shirt that says, don't let me do shots or Coke.
I'm not sure if you designed this shirt or where the original was created, but if you sold those on your website, I'm sure they'd blow the fuck up.
See what happens.
Yeah, that's a great suggestion.
And yes, I did design that shirt.
And the funny part about that shirt is I was not kidding.
I used to get blackout drunk so often.
I would leave notes to people on my body.
I used to write on my belly, wear a condom before I decided condoms are bullshit.
So whenever someone got down there, someone, a lady, not jazz, they would see that they should probably wrap it.
And don't let me do shots or coke, yeah.
Because sometimes I would feel like, especially at South by Southwest where I invented the shirt, I felt like I was sort of passing myself off.
You know what I mean?
Like, bye, pushing a little boat out into the sea.
Take care of me, world.
Bye me.
See you in 12 hours.
If lost, return to.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
I'd fucking tie my address to my arm.
Hey, Gavin Rye.
Showed up my feet today.
He's like my spirit animal, Mayo and Hair Cringe.
Of course, they're talking about Big Ed, I think his name is, right?
Yes.
90-day fiancé.
Yep.
He's brutal.
Brutal.
Corey, hello, Gavin and Ryan.
I like Kevin James too, but he is supposedly a douche to fans.
He will not let common folk look him in the eyes.
See link below.
I'm totally against harassing stars, but that sounds pretty gay.
What should fans do if we see you in public?
Nothing.
Yell, I like your new sunglasses.
See, handy.
Oh, look at this guy's source.
Culture?
A gossip video.
From Nikki Swift.
Yeah, stop.
Men do not get their information from gossip clickbait.
From watch mojo style videos.
But yeah, if you see me on the street, just yell like you knew sunglasses and I'll just go like that.
What do you want with the fucking picture?
I saw a cool clip.
I think I sent this to you.
This is 2-2.
Phil Robertson was learning what selfies are, and his son, who I forget his name, had just discovered it, too.
What?
Phil has now.
Well, the degree in which they're done.
Oh, I see.
Phil has now discovered the most slippery thing in life.
Because, look, there are people taking selfies.
Look, everyone between the ages of 13 and 20, here's what they do.
Here's the big thing now.
I know we're completely off on a rabbit chase.
They take pictures of themselves literally every few minutes and send it to their friends.
Then their friends, they send it back of their cell.
I know this because when I first under 20 years of age, he hates cell phones in general.
Like he hated cell phones in the 90s when it was just a flip phone.
It's like, if you want to make a fucking phone, we didn't swear, but if you want to make a phone call, you go up to your phone, you dial it, and it stays there in the house.
I should just clip this on the soundboard just that reading.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Yeah.
Phil.
He looks like somebody who, when somebody's speaking a different language to you and you're just trying to parse what they're saying.
When I was checking her phone, which if you have a person under 20 years of age in your house, you need to check their phone constantly.
And so my daughter hadn't had a phone in months.
And so.
That's y'all's job, Ness, not mine.
Y'all monitor your own children.
I'm old grandpa around there.
But I've noticed one of the things they do is they do that.
They send that all day, 24-7, of pictures of themselves.
To each other.
The entire time.
Everybody on there has multiple selfies within an hour.
So when you say we're going down a slippery slope, we've fallen off a cliff on that.
If that's a sign of slippery slope.
I'm beginning to gather from what you just said on how far out of touch I actually am.
Well, I thought it was pretty interesting.
I don't know what the obsession is with taking a picture of yourself and sending it.
I have no desire.
But I've noticed no desire.
That'd be funny if you got pictures of that guy.
Yeah.
I'm on a dad mega chat for the dads in my neighborhood.
I should just start sending tons and tons of pictures of myself.
Just like, here's me.
And they're never even doing gestures, though.
It's always just like...
Here's me looking my best at this moment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Look at this.
This is my shirt.
This is from Matt.
Hey, guys, watching Monday's podcast and you brought up socialism doesn't do well with numbers.
What he means is socialists don't do well with numbers.
That same day, I saw this hippie socialist chick from a high school talking with her friends on her Facebook post about how Walmart could pay their employees $100,000 more.
But wait a minute.
Say the math of that worked out, which it obviously doesn't.
That job isn't worth $100,000.
So you should keep that money.
You know what I mean?
Like if someone's sweep taking out the garbage at McDonald's and the guy who owns McDonald's is a trillionaire, should he be paying the garbage guy 300 grand a year?
He's now the richest garbage guy in the world?
No.
You get what the market, the market has minimum wage, which I don't think should exist, but taking out garbage all day, that's a $12 an hour job.
Anyone, anyone can do it, and a lot of animals can.
They really have no idea how numbers and economics work.
How do you even have a conversation with this kind of ignorance?
Now, I looked this up and I thought this would be a fun thing for you.
So apparently Walmart has 2.2 million employees, right?
And they make $40 million a day in profit.
$40 million a day.
Now let's watch this.
Remember I said Ryan is so dumb that it's fascinating?
Yes.
Ryan.
Yes.
If a company has profits of $40 million a day.
A day.
And they have, let's make it easy, 2 million employees instead of 2.2.
How much money is that per employee they could give?
So they have 40 million profit.
Yep.
And they want to give it to 2 million people.
40.
So would that be 0.2?
No.
0.5?
No, it would be 20 bucks an employee.
40 divided by 2 is 20.
40 oranges divided by 20 oranges is a All right, give me another one.
No.
So anyway, Walmart could give their employees another $20 a day, but now they have zero profits.
And I assume you need profits to build more.
I'm not bananas about Walmart.
And the fact that I think they make something like 15% of America's GDP.
And if they were a country, they'd be about the 12th most wealthy country in the world.
And they've completely destroyed mom and pop stores, but so is Amazon.
But this idea that you're not allowed to have profits and all these workers have, that's called communism.
And again, it's only another $20 per day.
So they could essentially, basically her gripe is that Walmart could tip.
No names, please, says this guy.
Did Trump really sign over our country to FEMA three weeks?
I don't care about that.
I can't get this song out of my head.
I don't care.
There's a new email that seems pretty interesting that just came in, and it has video included.
It better be fucking interesting, Ryan, because I've been through most of these.
So you're interrupting my mailbag to show me something that I don't think you've even read.
Well, this one's brand new.
He said that there was somebody.
Who cares if it's brand new?
I don't know.
Somebody in Walmart dressed like this.
He said he was following him for 15 minutes trying to get a good look at him.
He has a hazmat suit on.
No, he doesn't.
He has jeans and a sweatshirt.
He has a hazmat face mask thing.
Wow, Ryan, thanks for interrupting the show to show me someone being a little excessive with their mask wearing.
Oh, boy.
By the way, that guy who sent that in sent that stupid email twice.
And it's, you know, don't fill up my inbox with videos.
Look at this retail buying groceries.
My son and I couldn't stop laughing.
There's glassy new bomber high.
A stock disposal.
Yeah, that's a boring letter, Jason.
Catchy Crackhead.
Should we give that a whirl?
Okay, let's see.
I can't get this song out of my head.
This gentleman is playing with only one guitar string.
I think you'll appreciate it.
I present you with the meme first.
All right, let's just do the meme.
playing something else at the same time.
Chicken on the corn game.
Hey, Gav, big fan.
I saw that you said that Louis C.K. is the greatest comedian of all time after seeing his new special.
I'm wondering, what is your length, depth, and comprehensive opinion on your fellow comedian Mark Norm McDonald?
Of course he's a fucking genius.
He's fantastic.
Yes.
And yeah, he lasts forever.
But Louis's different.
Like, why did you just leave a perfectly fuckable pig when he's talking about God?
What if God made animals so we could fuck?
And when he found out we ate them, he was horrified.
Like, I don't see Norm McDonald.
Norm McDonald is incredibly witty and has a high IQ and delivers these great concepts.
And you can never tell if he's serious or not.
That's actually something maybe I don't like about Norm.
I don't like characters like Andrew Dice Clay or Chip Chipperson.
I like just you talking and telling me how it is.
And Louis C.K. is being totally and utterly sincere.
And Norm always has a trick up his sleeve.
Now, it's always a genius trick.
This is great, but it feels the same way.
I think when you're at SNL, you're seeing so many different things behind the scenes.
There are often things to give away that are yours to give away.
Norm played it in a way that is very Norm McDonald.
And he went on to praise you, but I don't know what that means.
I mean, how do you choose not to reveal what to share and what not to share with you?
I always think, what would Seth Myers do?
Ridiculous.
Do you have like a necklace or something with a WWSMD on it?
And whenever you're in a pickle, I don't know if it's this one or somewhere else, but he shits on him a couple times.
He's like, I always think, you know, if I'm looking to do something funny, what would Seth Meyers do?
And then he laughs.
he's got a problem with Seth Meyers.
Yeah, he's got a real problem.
Everyone's saying does.
Yeah.
All right, last letter.
Hey, Gavin, I've seen an episode where you talk about sign language.
You state there's only one sign language, which is not true.
There is no universal sign language.
There are many different languages in sign language in different countries, such as American Sign Language, British Sign Language, French Sign Language, and so on.
And get this pidgin sign language doesn't exist, unfortunately, which is absurd.
I know, I'm a deaf person myself.
Lots of typos in this letter, deaf person.
Oh, okay.
Here's a video.
And strange capitalization.
I apologize.
We have been fact-checked.
I was wrong.
I thought there was one universal sign language and everyone else had to follow it.
They all look very dumb.
You know, the elephant in the room with a lot of handicaps.
And this may be true of this particular writer, the way he capitalizes sign language and put the whole email in italics.
They say deaf high schools are, they have terrible grades, right?
And you go, but you're just deaf.
You can read books.
And I asked a deaf person, why do deaf high schools, why do they have such terrible scores, test scores?
And they go, because the people who are there are very rarely just deaf.
Often when you're deaf, there's some other issues going along.
And we've sort of brainwashed our populace because it makes us feel nicer to go, if you're blind, you're just me, but blind.
It's just like going like this.
And if you're deaf, you're just me, but like you can't hear stuff.
No, there's usually a few other issues going on, I'm afraid.
They are retarded, and in some ways, they're geniuses.
Okay, this will be the last letter because that was mean and I feel dirty.
I live in Ohio, but Pennsylvania has banned liquor sales.
The counties that are on the border of Pennsylvania and Ohio are now requiring Ohio identification to buy liquor, apparently to stop people from crossing the border to buy booze.
I mean, what is happening to this country?
Really unsettling.
I thought you guys would find this interesting.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I liking your sunglasses.
Thanks.
That's messed up, yo.
That's bugged out, right?
When I decided I'm going to start going to bars again, I didn't realize that a lot of people never stopped.
Like, there's the owner and maybe his three friends.
They never really stopped.
Isn't that messed up?
Did I tell you what the fine is for that, by the way, if you're caught?
$20,000.
$20,000, by the way.
That's a lot, by the way.
Fucking hell.
All right.
Final video.
Oh, 35.
This is a doozy, man.
33.
No, wait, let's show 34 first.
34.
This one is weird.
This guy obviously has severe mental issues, but he's become a postal worker.
Stop, stop, stop.
He's going to postal.
You may have to kill me from this, actually, or move me to the other side.
Oh.
So some old lady comes at him bitching about, you gave me the wrong envelope or something, and you'd think as a postal worker, you go, oh shit, sorry.
But he starts freaking out.
Talk about bad adrenaline control.
Let me see if I could do this.
No, no, no.
I'd rather it was full screen.
You can do without the G for one second.
Turn it up.
Hey!
Nothing hollering at you.
I don't answer to people yelling at me.
It's just one of my rules.
Just quit leaving bad mail at my house.
It's not me.
It's not me.
Get away from me.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
You shouldn't have laughed, asshole.
Go back.
When he's off cameras, the best part.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone, don't leave!
*Screams* *Gunshot* *Loud noise*
How nuts is that?
You remember those kind of guys in grade school?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There'd be that one kid where you just went, Eddie, cool it.
Yeah.
Like James Cole or something.
Let's do 35, make that the last one.
I'm so glad to be back at the studio.
Get this cool picture of my face.
Do you know, pause, pause?
Did you know that the place, that fashion place, four doors down, got broken into?
No.
That was another reason I was glad we brought the TriCaster and everything to your apartment because I didn't have to worry about it every day.
Because there's no guard downstairs.
I don't know what they took, but their lock was all broken off.
They just make clothes.
There's probably a bunch of textiles.
Watch switches, swaths.
I wonder if we'll see the motorcycles taking over the streets.
You see that?
No?
Pat retweeted a video of it where there's just tons of motorcycles in the street.
Like the whole, About 100.
In the West Side Highway?
Upper East Side or Upper West Side.
Because they've been doing it on the West Side Highway forever.
No, it's like in the streets of the Upper East Side or Upper West Side.
Well, now we have to see that.
Pretty badass.
Now we have to see that.
Oh, you went?
Okay.
Let's do it.
And then we'll come back to this as the final video.
You got something to say?
You can't tease me.
Well, the Steinglass is the DA who put the Proud Boys in prison, and he was the guy who prosecuted.
Remember when those Puerto Rican biker gangs were taking over the West Side Highway?
They would block it off and then have drag races.
So they were doing that, and some Asian guy in a Range Rover got pissed off.
He's like, get out of my way.
And so they block him.
They start going, fuck you, and hitting the thing.
And he freaks out, just like that postal worker.
And he ran over one of the motorbikes and he hurt someone.
So they all get really pissed off.
They chase him.
They get him about four blocks over.
Here we go.
And then they knock him unconscious with one of their helmets.
And one of the guys who was there was a detective.
He didn't do anything wrong, but he didn't help enough.
So he lost his pension, lost everything.
Jesus Christ, this is Mad Max.
That's got to be 100, right?
Where did they get all these from?
I mean, do these people live in Harlem?
They might live in Jersey.
Some of them might live out in Queens with some property, garage space.
A couple of them in New York City, Roosevelt Island.
There's plenty of places that own a motorcycle.
Even in New York City, I'm sure.
Look at all the quads.
I don't get wheelies.
Could you do wheelies like on the bike?
I've never been able to do a wheelie.
Never, ever, ever.
Never could I. I could do the no hands thing on some bikes.
I was on my triumph the other day and I was thinking, is it even physically possible to do a wheelie on this thing?
Yeah.
Can you look that up?
Bonneville Wheelie?
Okay.
I actually don't even know how they're done.
Do you pop, do you have the brakes on and then you release it?
No, you're driving.
These guys are driving while doing it.
Rev it and getting good at it.
You can't pull it.
You can pull up a bicycle easy peasy.
Well, you'd look up a video, Ryan.
This is a television show.
But like, you're lifting up, I mean, how much is a bike?
800 pounds?
So you're lifting up 300 pounds?
I'm not that strong.
Bonneville Wheelie coming up.
Whoa.
Well, clearly it's a big deal when someone does it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, fucking done it!
Right.
You don't just say that every time you just go, oh, there's a Bonneville Wheelie.
If I'm just eating a sandwich.
He's fucking done it.
You rev so fat?
You remember that video of you outside just counting the bikes?
Yeah.
You doing it for this?
There's 36, 37.
Those are skateboarders.
Oh, okay.
All right, 35, last video.
Let's get out of here.
already.
Just pause.
I just had an idea.
Let's take calls tomorrow.
Let's shoot around 2 p.m., folks at home.
Or maybe earlier.
Wait a minute.
We should decide right now what we're going to do.
Let's start at noon.
Noon tomorrow, we're going to be taking calls, and it is...
This was a reader's suggestion where we're just going to go through hot chicks for two hours.
With callers?
Yeah.
So they're like, what about Zoe Mattress?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I guess might as well make it live.
Yeah.
So then we'll pull her up.
We'll see how long it lasts.
Maybe we'll just make it a segment of a show.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
But we'll just go through hotties.
So call in at 12.
Yes.
Okay.
We are doing call-ins tomorrow, which is whatever, Wednesday.
You know the date.
So get your chicks ready and get your argument ready.
Like I'm not usually into redheads, but if you have a good argument, you can sway me.
Or I'm not a huge tit guy, but if you have tits and you're like, this is why they're great, blah, blah, blah, like the way the lawn dude explained it to me.
For example, no, we'll do it tomorrow.
All right, final video.
3-5.
Just pause.
This is a warning video.
By the way, if you're about to commit a major felony, don't use your bank card and register it with your pin so they know who was just here at that time.
Big cash.
If somebody's gonna rob you, they did it already.
They ain't gonna die already in this store.
They ain't gonna die right here.
That's what's gonna happen.
You wanna die?
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
is that worth it What the f- Where are the where are the other bullets happening?
We might have to just make this an entire show.
Okay, stop.
Wait, is he alive?
I have 37 questions.
Wait, he's alive.
Yes.
Sorry about that.
But he did get shot.
No.
Okay, here's the crazy part.
So he's talking trash, and all I can make out, because it's a different language, but he was saying, if someone was going to rob you, they'd have robbed you already.
And he goes, no, they wouldn't, because I'd fucking kill them.
Do you want to die right now?
And then I think he just went pop, pop on the ground.
And then as a warning, maybe I'll shoot him in the foot.
But then I think what happened was there was some kickback.
And then it went up.
And a bullet went into the glass and shattered the glass.
didn't get hit once, the NASA guy.
But the crazy part is After he got out, we hear tons of shots.
Right.
And then I think the guy who came in and went down into that alley, whatever, that aisle, I think he's shot for no reason whatsoever.
I swear that he came in before the other shots were fired.
Let's go back to the beginning.
Detective shitty and detective drunkie reporting for duty.
Oh, you want to hear this?
Yeah, I want to try to make out their silly language.
Just pause.
I remember based Stickman was talking about his prison time, and he goes, dude, I was in a prison in Florida that was the guys were so black you couldn't understand them.
It was a totally different language, and I see what he's talking about now.
I have no idea what they're saying.
I can't even tell if there's conflict.
Right, I think they're getting along.
Where you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about, tell your homie out there, they better watch who you talking to.
Yeah.
This nigga come all week, Fuck out of my face, dude.
Pause.
He doesn't even smoke.
Okay, so the guy in the NASA shirt said to the guy in the collegiate jacket, I guess one of them is in college, the other's already graduated and is working at the space program.
He said, you got any weed?
And he said, what the fuck?
I don't smoke, and why would I just have weed?
And then I think he's saying, Are you saying that shit?
Because you're going to rob me?
And he's like, If I was going to rob you, I would have already robbed you.
And then he says, No, you wouldn't.
I'd kill you.
Right, right.
I think.
And the guy, the guy who's in college, he's working, you know, he's crunching his smokes.
Well, he's probably right there buying pencils to smoke.
So he can do his math homework.
That's a focus energy drink.
Yeah.
It's a focus.
Probably got final someone.
I know how many times he's going to say it.
That guy looks like he's, you know, gonna do something, but he's uninvolved, right?
Why do you want to stay on the smoke?
He said he's sad.
What you wanna rob me or something?
Oh, now I'm feeling type of money.
What the fuck?
Got me feeling type of way.
What the fuck?
Somebody's gonna rob you.
They did it already.
I'm gonna die right here.
That's what I'm gonna hop.
You wanna die?
I think he got hit right there.
No, because he.
I know what happened.
He missed.
I don't think he intended to shoot.
I think he didn't.
He wasn't practicing proper trigger control.
And instead of having his finger on the outside of the thing, it was on the actual thing.
And I think it went off by accident.
His adrenaline was pumping, and he accidentally squeezed.
That's why he hit the floor first.
Yeah, because right there, he didn't gesture or anything.
Must be fun to be a cop.
That was the bullet that did the glass.
Those are close calls.
That's like...
That looked like it hit his sweatshirt and not him.
That's how you want your night to go over a dispute like that?
Like, do you have no self-control whatsoever?
Alright, so let's see this guy.
I'm hearing no bullets.
I don't think he was shot.
He's out.
Diverum's inside.
Yeah, you're right.
He's not shot.
Yeah.
But that part I don't get.
Cops.
Maybe they're just cops there?
I don't know.
But what the fuck?
Who's he shooting now?
Cops?
I guess.
But then listen, that guy goes, he's shot.
I just got shot, bro.
Oh, I just got shot.
Wow, that's fucking tough.
If you can say that without crying.
Hey, man, I just got shot.
What are you doing?
I would sound like Mr. Orange in Reservoir Dog.
Yeah, I mean, even if it's the slightest graze, it still probably feels like a fire just tore off your arm.
I would need Harvey Keitel swaddling my head in the back of a forward.
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