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March 4, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:12:52
S02E133 - SEX CHANGE [2020-03-04 - S02E133 - SEX CHANGE]
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Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
only Yo, what's up?
What's up?
Welcome back to Get Off My Line, yo.
That was Starfucker, S-T-R-F-K-R.
No vowels like MasterCraft.
Who did the soundtrack to my movie, Death of Cool, which can never come out for some reason, unbeknownst to me.
Portland Band, they're not nuts about their name.
They said it as a joke.
They tried to change it to Pyramid or something.
But everyone likes Starfucker, so that's what they'll be forever.
They're on tour right now.
Playing New York.
I think they're playing, I don't know, Irving Plaza, Bowery Ballroom, Mercury Lounge, excuse me.
Here's the paper.
He's alive.
Joe Biden is back.
It's now Biden and Bernie.
Neither of who can win.
So I think we're done talking about the election until November because it's just a shit show.
The only thing I care about from now on is Biden's gaffes.
I'm not worried about Bernie taking over America and us becoming a socialist country.
It's not going to happen.
Boomers know socialism.
They pay tax.
But more importantly, Spike Lee is a douche.
What's it say?
Do the fight thing.
Spike and Knicks in War of Words over Gategate.
The idea that Spike Lee is a victim is laughable, correct?
What's laughable is how the Knicks are the laughingstock in the League of Sports, of the League in Sports.
Ouch.
That's mean.
Here's the deal with Spike Lee.
He's one of the worst people in New York City.
We all hate his guts.
My buddy, he ate at my buddy's restaurant, and the guy said, all right, this is good.
It's a celebrity.
So it's on me.
And afterwards, he said, Spike, thanks for coming.
Appreciate it.
And you know what Spike Lee said to him?
Spike Lee went like this.
Said nothing.
Not thanks.
Not fuck you.
Just like I'm not wasting my awesome spike on a loser like you just because you have a restaurant.
What an absolute fucking dick.
Anyway, the story is relevant because it's so boring.
It just shows you what an absolute fucking disaster most celebrities are.
This guy grew up like one of these hipster sort of black guys with academic parents, made some money in movies.
He only has one good movie, Do the Right Thing, where the crux of the film is if cops get violent with someone for whatever reason, start a riot and burn your neighborhood to the ground.
The other movies suck.
Malcolm X. How can you make Malcolm X boring?
I know, make it three and a half hours long and stick yourself in it.
He injects himself into every goddamn movie, even though he looks like a little ugly leprechaun gremlin dwarf.
So he's supposed to use a VIP entrance.
For some dumb reason, he prefers the employee's entrance.
I don't know.
And they told him, can you just use the proper entrance, please?
This is a big deal.
We're living in Terrace, New York City.
We had 9-11.
And he goes, no, and refuses to get out of the elevator.
This is news, and ESPN is so happy to have him on because he has colorful glasses, that he's doing this talk show circuit now, telling his side of the stupid, boring, shitty story.
And why is it on my show, if it's so boring?
Because it's so boring.
Look at this story.
I've been using the same entrance for 28 plus years.
He's literally talking about the door he uses to get in to a basketball game.
The employee's entrance on 33rd Street.
Yesterday, last night, I go in, my ticket gets scanned.
I'm in.
I'm in.
You know the elevator.
Yes.
I go in the elevator, and elevator, and also people having their ticket scanned also.
Oh, other people go in?
And elevator's not moving.
Maybe media and employees?
And a security guy comes to me and says, we need to get off the elevator.
I said, for what?
So we could speak about it now.
I said, I'm not getting out of the elevator.
So it was another five minutes, then they finally send the elevator up because they know.
That's so childish.
So the elevator hasn't moved for five minutes because this cunt refuses to use the correct door.
The garden floor is on the fifth floor.
The elevator goes up to five, and security's waiting for me like he just ran out of Macy and stealing something.
Look at that weird face.
Go back.
Ran out of Macy.
Macy's stealing something.
Then he does his, what, the only smile he's capable of.
This is Spike Lee smiling.
Security's waiting for me like he just ran out of Macy and stealing something.
Did you see that?
The eyebrows take a one second break.
There we go.
His frown disappears for a millisecond.
Stealing something.
Stealing something.
Look at those little caterpillars finally leave the home, but then they go, they burl back into their furrowed brow.
And they said, you just ran out of Macy and stealing something.
Waiting for a reaction.
And they said, you, this guy, security guy, they're all, this comes from the top.
He says, Mr. Lee, you have to leave Madison Square Garden.
You mean you, royalty?
They wanted to leave the garden, walk outside.
But you're Jesus Christ.
Out to 33rd Street.
They're all kissing his ass.
Walk outside and come back on 31st Street.
And I said, I'm not doing that.
First of all, you scan my ticket.
You can't scan a ticket twice.
Also, I know that once you leave the school.
Can I come on your show and talk about my ticket being scanned at a recent sporting event?
I don't trust these guys.
That's sports news, right?
Also, why are you taking a perp walk?
For what?
You hear that?
The white guy?
Let me just get it.
Let me finish.
I'm not leaving.
she's trying to make the show interesting right no shut up bitch it's it's our show You can tell he's one of those sexists like Robert Crumb, who never got laid in high school.
He fucking hates women now.
Howard Stern is the same way.
They finally get pussy.
And they're like, where were you when I was ugly?
Fuck you, bitch.
He hate fucks his wife every night.
Anyway, this story goes on and on and on and on.
White guys kissing his ass.
I can't believe the mid to do a perp walk.
And then also in the story, he goes, then I put my hands behind my back and I said, lock me up like my brother Charles Oakley.
Charles Oakley?
You mean the guy who started a fight at a Knicks game?
Got kicked.
What?
He's a political prisoner now?
You're going to stand with him with share a pair of black gloves?
I am the aunt angry.
How retarded is that?
You know that famous Olympic thing with the black gloves?
They forgot to bring two pairs.
Really?
Yeah, so they had to share a pair.
That's why one guy's fist is in the air is right and the other guy's fist in the air is left.
Wow.
Because they only had one pair of gloves.
Like their dramatic political statement of the century.
It's going to tear down the Olympics.
And they're like, man.
One glove short.
Also in the grumpy old black men news.
They do get grumpy when they get older.
G-O-B-M-N.
Not blacks, men.
Flava Flav has had enough of public enemy.
And this comes full circle because the biggest hit on Do the Right Thing was Fight the Power, right?
Oh, yeah.
1939, Ono, Another Brother.
That's really good.
I was like, I got the whole Fear of a Black Planet album when I was a kid because I was like, this is cool.
And then I just hated it.
I was like, this fucking star.
Great story, right?
Of course, every public enemy video has to start with Civil Rights.
And you guys were racist in the 50s.
Yeah, I know.
So were you, by the way.
Do you actually like this music?
This song is awesome.
Fight the power, the beginning?
Yeah.
With Terminator X. But jump ahead to the actual song.
I know we were bad in the 50s.
I got it.
A minute.
A minute and 28 seconds.
He's really getting his money's worth out of racism.
You ain't going out like that 63 nonsense.
I'm going to get to the end.
I'm guessing.
Can we hear the song at some point?
Yes, Harriet Tubman.
Got it.
Yes.
Who made those signs, I wonder?
Oh, Jesus.
Sorry.
Turn it up.
There's Flava Flave.
Some random boxer who was cool?
It takes a nation of millions to hold us back.
There we go.
So anyway, the goon dancing around in the green there doesn't like that Chuck D is supporting Bernie Sanders.
So Chuck D said, well then fuck off.
You're fired.
What?
Yeah.
I own the name Public Enemy.
You're just my sidekick.
You're my Ryan Rivera.
I could flush down the toilet.
I actually have a red button underneath my desk that if I slam, you disappear into the trapdoor I built.
I know.
You do it after every show.
And I have to crawl my way out of the gutters.
1989.
Anamba.
Year I was born.
Really?
Yep.
That song's 30 years old.
I had a beef with Chuck D on Twitter.
And I said, he was talking about terrorism.
And I said, you did a video wherein you blew my head up.
He started a band.
Remember that?
With Rage Against the Machine?
It's called Prophets of Rage.
Look, I found it.
There's my Wikipedia.
Stupid idiot.
It was a watermelon.
Perhaps you'll now take the USA devil route and I should say be eating one with a hot plate of chicken.
Yeah.
Just tweeted from a suspended account.
Can't see it.
No, I don't have racial issues.
I just call him.
So go back to the top.
So I said, you're against terrorism?
You made a video of my head blowing up.
He's like, it was a watermelon.
And then he immediately has to go to shucking and jiving.
And just like that video, back to the 50s.
Oh, you think I should only be eating watermelon and fried chicken?
Dude, I don't care if you eat your own asshole.
Why would I give a shit what Chuck D does?
And he also calls me a white devil in the tweet.
Yeah.
Speaking of me and white devils, I noticed.
Oh, that's good.
Rex vicious gun.
Well, go back.
Was this the same beef or was this another one?
Go down, Ryan.
The NRA is, oh, yeah, dude, you made a video that featured my head blowing up.
You love terrorism when it suits you.
And then he said, stupid idiot.
You're a stupid idiot.
Oh, then I say, oh, I'm sorry.
It was just a coincidence that a watermelon blew up right where my head was.
Stay down for the count, Chuck.
Stay down.
That was a watermelon, you idiot.
I didn't want your head to blow up.
Yes, they had my head, and then a watermelon exploded right where my head was.
But they're not trying to imply that I should have my head blown up.
Winky Dink.
They don't want us silence.
They want us dead.
And the best way to kill us is to de-personize.
The best way to deperson us is to de-platform us.
That's how it works.
Speaking of which, my Wikipedia is really bad.
And now my kids have an Alexa in their room.
So if my kids ask who I am, it says I support political violence against my opponents.
I don't have time to look into that.
Can you look into that for me, folks at home?
You did a great job with Out for Bud.
Can you find out when that became the first line of my Wikipedia and when my Wikipedia became so terrorized?
Because I've heard rumors that when you go to fix it, you get permanently banned from Wikipedia.
But you guys are good at research and you can do it without getting annoyed because you're not Gavin McInnis.
But when I do it, it just pisses me off.
So can I give you that homework assignment, please?
Can you do that?
By the way, speaking of blacks, whatever happened to this shooter in Milwaukee?
Right?
Remember that?
What was this?
Oh, yeah.
2-3.
A guy goes in to a brewery.
He shoots five people.
He's a mass shooter.
And they go MAGA white MAGA guy.
Then they see him.
And by the way, I discuss all this on my Telegram, which I highly recommend.
And this story just vanishes, as P.J. Dubbs says.
His wife posed with Elizabeth Warren.
Elizabeth Warren actually came out and said, this is Elizabeth Warren said, this is indicative of our gun culture.
And someone goes, actually, no.
Oh, look, they deleted it.
This is on you.
He was an Elizabeth Warren guy.
But it got me thinking that because we were watching Hustlers last night.
We're going to put that up on the site soon.
But we watched it without the volume.
And it's all about stupid, evil white men and how fun it is to rob them and how they have it coming.
And we realized watching the movie, what if this was black men?
And it was about some strippers that had taken advantage of some wealthy black men and robbed them blind?
Would that be a hot hip movie with J-Lo and everyone talking about what badass chicks they are?
Never!
Never.
But the thing about that shooting in Milwaukee that got me thinking while we talk about how racist America is and how I promote political violence is mass shooters, serial killers, tend to be disproportionately black.
For example, Nashville, this is another story that died.
2-2.
This guy wanted to kill a minimum of 10 white churchgoers.
He was very specific.
The shooter wanted to kill a minimum of 10 white churchgoers.
This story also totally died on the vine.
Now, go back in time with me, if you will.
Jezebel had an article, this is 2.4, that said, have you noticed that white dudes keep mass murdering people?
Right?
And James Fulford over at VDARE, ooh, you're not allowed to cite VDARE.
It's a white supremacist site.
You know that Peter Brimelow is suing the New York Times for calling him and VDARE white supremacists.
And I read the complaint.
It's very well researched.
And he actually talks in the complaint about all the times that the New York Times cites eugenics as a plausible thing and a reasonable expectation for society.
And, you know, it's usually opinion pieces.
But he said, all right, so you guys have said this, but you're calling me a white supremacist for having the same things on my site.
And just because something's on my site doesn't mean that it's the site's belief, just as when you have opinions on your page, doesn't mean the New York Times belief.
So we'll see what happens with that.
But anyway, James Fulford over at VDAR says, there's a Mother Jones page that promises a 30-year timeline of mass shootings with photos of the killers.
But it doesn't have photos for all of them.
And there is only one black face.
And then he says, here are eight photographs of blacks omitted from the Mother Jones page, which would have made it look more like America as it is today.
Also admitted by Mother Jones, photographs of four Asians, three Hispanics, and two immigrant Muslims.
Again, this has become a comment.
This has become a common theme this week is what you can learn from the news by the way the news is reported.
Clearly, Mother Jones, Jezebel, these lefties are pushing for a narrative that white people are the problem.
And they're not.
I'm not saying black people are the problem either.
According to this article, they're about represented as they are in the population.
Though I've read that blacks are slightly more represented in mass killings and serial killers than they are in the population, which is 14%.
Notably, Omar Thornton's victims were investigated posthumously by the media and by Manchester Police as if they were racist, as he claimed before murdering them.
They were posthumously cleared.
Anyway, sorry, that was a tangent to get back to the main thrust of the show here.
And we have a great show for you tonight.
I want to go through sex change surgery and show you how relatively simple it is to do.
Maybe you want to do it at home.
But here's a real scoop.
Australia is banning us full force.
I don't have a link for this, but I've been talking to our tech guys and Virgin Australia, who's a big provider down there, has totally banned us.
Australians are having to use different workarounds to see the show, to get their money's worth from their subscription.
This, I'm told, is linked to the New Zealand shooting.
Since the New Zealand shooting, they're very strict on any non-liberal media.
But they are coming down hard on us, and it's affecting our business.
Free speech is at risk in Australia, and it's not from Section 18C.
Oh, what do you know?
Abroad is in charge.
Way to go, Australia.
Australian Human Rights, what's her name?
Australian Human Rights Commissioner, President Jillian Triga.
Triggs.
Triggs has warned against...
What's Against laws that violate freedom.
Triggs.
Triggs warning.
Oh, so she's good.
Oh, okay.
Or I don't know.
Everything's upside down there on the other end of the world.
Liberals are conservative.
Conservatives are liberals.
So free speech, censored.tv is being censored by Australia.
If you're watching this here in Australia, we are on it.
We are coming up with workarounds.
But it is amazing that when I came up with the name free speech for this network, I kind of thought that will be one of the many things.
I could have called it Clown World or something that we'd cover.
But it ends up sort of dominating every episode, every event.
Like CPAC, Sebastian Gorka was talking about Infowars, and he was saying that they should have been banned.
So he's for free speech.
He had the weirdest tweet where he said free speech is paramount and then said they should have been banned.
Here, click on that.
Let's see what he says.
Is that him?
Hi.
Yeah.
Go away, all right?
You guys are kooks.
You're crazy kooks and conspiracy theorists.
Go away.
So we shouldn't be allowed to be here?
This is for real conservatives, not people who are snake oil merchants and conspiracy theorists like you.
Goodbye.
There you go.
A rousing tag type of support from Sebastian Gorka.
According to him, we're not real conservatives.
We are snake oil salesmen and kooks.
Well, these snake oil salesmen and kooks are.
But go down there.
They have a tweet from him where he says, shouldn't have been let in to begin with.
Info wars are loons and media whores.
Click in the tweet.
You don't have to click on the fucking tweet, Ron.
Well, There's a video.
We've already shown the video of him getting removed from CPAC.
Keep going down.
Guys, you need to read tweets more closely for the record.
Okay, this is bizarre.
This is a tweet I was just talking about.
Free speech is number one for a reason, but that's that's you always know someone is about to be in your bad books when they follow pro-free speech with but.
But Infowars and who is that?
Ali Dezovin.
All they do is theorist kooks who undermine MAGA and people like Nick Fuentes and anyone else who denies the Holocaust are not conservatives.
Yeah, Nick Fuentes denies the Holocaust.
Anyway, Alex Jones wasn't having it.
1-5.
He wants to fight Sebastian Gorka.
I think he called him a gay whale.
How did Gorka have so much power?
No, you're out, you're out, you're out.
Because he goes and kisses ass, they had a CPAC, and it's his idea that he can run all the real conservatives off.
He can then perch up there.
No, Gorka, everyone hates you now.
When you pose with guns, everybody knows you don't know which end the bullet comes.
Challenge him to a charity bears knuckles box.
Wait, wait, just do.
I'm serious.
They'll have it in Vegas.
I will get in that ring and I will beat his brains out.
Just sign the form, you big, fat, tough guy bully.
And I'll smash your freaking head in.
Let's go.
Punk is nothing but a piece of crap.
Owen, you want to take him on?
I got to give him a round or two, but I'm not going to, but you got your cardiovascular going.
You want to challenge him?
You want to challenge Gorga to a charity boxing match because she's so big and powerful and he wants to get in the ring with poops?
I love that.
I'll give it a whirl.
Yeah, all right.
I mean, he's on crutches, though, to be fair.
Yeah.
Speaking of the world being upside down, I was going through Twitter.
I kind of got a little annoyed, to be honest.
I was looking at someone's feed from Blaze TV, and I was seeing all these tweets that I don't get and missing all these stories.
And I thought, wow, they really have hindered my ability to do my job.
Like, I used to be able to DM people and say, I'd love to get you on the show.
They'd see my name.
They'd see that I had a quarter million followers and a verified, yeah, sure, I'll be on your show.
And I didn't, I would hear of other people.
I've been kind of pushed out of that.
So you did get me there, Twitter, I will concede.
But I checked out this really cool lesbian.
This is 1.9.
Ariel Scarcel.
I want to marry her.
This is my favorite kind of lesbian.
No, go full screen on it.
Hi, I'm Arielle.
I'm a lesbian.
And I don't think gender is a social construct.
I don't think cis-straight white men are evil.
I don't believe that genital preferences are transphobic or that there are 97 genders.
I don't think that male sex offenders belong in women's prisons.
I don't think it's normal for people to be praised for walking around with shirts that say kill turfs.
I don't think like these people.
And I no longer want to be associated with them.
I've reached peak LGBT.
This is my coming out video.
Never in my life have I been more canceled, tortured, tormented, harassed than by members of my own community.
Never have I witnessed literal mentally ill individuals who are latching themselves onto the LGBT community without actually being LGBT for the sake of oppression points, external validation, and sympathy.
Never have I seen such disrespect from younger LGBT people to the old.
For the record, that woman screaming her head off had Trump derangement syndrome.
And she was yelling at a drag queen who was pro-Trump.
Yes, she probably identifies as queer, but I don't know if that's the best example.
But yeah, it is a good example of a fucking loony who pretends they're gay.
Sorry, keep going.
Older lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender advocates who have been paving the way for us for longer than we've all been alive.
Never have I seen people that use the word bigot so frequently and not see the hypocrisy and irony in themselves saying it.
Anyway, you should check her out.
She's really cool.
I'd love to get her on the show.
I'd love to give her a show.
Ariel Scarcella.
Because part of my shit, I emailed her, she didn't get back to me, but part of my shit is like, I see these trans people who have cut their tits off.
It's a woman, and you think you're just a lesbian.
And then I think this whole trans thing is dismembering lesbians.
That's fucked up.
Which reminded me of a story, speaking of trans 2-1.
Someone stole a man's vagina.
Yes, you can steal a hole.
Did you know that?
Well, if you don't think you can steal a hole, you've never watched Bugs Bunny, you've never seen Wily Coyote and The Roadrunner.
You can actually pick up a hole, walk over maybe 10 feet, and then plop it down again.
And a coyote trying to kill you will fall in the hole you moved.
Dr. Marco Capiche and Dr. Giulio Garafa were found guilty, you bastards, in connection to the irreversible procedure on a transgender man who didn't discover until a week after the October 2016 surgery, I presume because everything is swollen and pustulent and bleeding, that his vagina had been removed.
I got this from Milo.
The patient, who wasn't identified, said that he went in for two other procedures in his gender reassignment process, a hysterectomy and a meetoidioplasty, an operation that gave him a penis.
So this is a chick.
But he claims he never consented to the third procedure, a vaginectomy, that he received at Highgate Private Hospital.
So you got to sort of reevaluate this.
This is a woman.
So they gave a woman a penis, right?
And we've seen how disgusting those are.
They just look like burritos.
They use your forearm skin to make this burrito.
Now you have nothing but bone for your forearm.
That's not going to grow back.
So now you'll just have a thin bone arm that looks exactly like a skeleton arm, and then this bizarre burrito for a penis.
Anyway, it appears that this woman's beef is that when you were making my dick, you assumed I didn't want my vagina anymore, and you sealed it up.
It's starting to sound like a mentally ill gay to me.
I'm really sorry I said that.
What was it now?
Five, six years ago?
2010, 2012?
Eight years ago.
I'm sorry that I said that trans are mentally ill gays.
Some of them, some of these trans people, they're not even trans on purpose.
It's their room they're in.
Now, they're not very verbose, so sometimes they get helped being verbose.
But if you check out this number 2-0, a flat with cross-dressing zones.
So this innocent guy gets an apartment and check it out.
I am usual guy with usual hobbies and job.
Hi, usual guy.
What's going on, Ed?
I rented this apartment about three months ago.
Okay, three months ago.
There are few bills to her name.
They don't talk like this, by the way.
Previous dweller has name Isabella.
I realize hair was wigged.
So anything.
Anyway, the apartment's normal, except there's one switch on the fuse box that when you turn it, well, you'll see what happens.
He turns on the switch on the fuse box, right?
As one does.
You don't want to see one of your fuses down.
You want all fuses facing the same way.
Then he walks into the kitchen.
what the fuck?
No, don't remove me anymore.
Do you see this?
I'm dressed in a French-made costume.
My voice has been changed.
I've got to do it.
The moral of the story, don't touch your fuse box.
I like when he moves his mouth.
Which heels are 10 centimeters.
He says that a lot.
All homework Isabella did in this costume.
Say, salads, washing the dishes, cooking.
I feel so uncomfortable.
Especially because high heels, it is 10 centimeters.
Besides, 10 centimeters.
Anyway, you might be thinking these people are nuts at this point.
And a lot of it has to do with the stigma of switching genders, especially when it comes to the medical procedure, switching genders.
I want to take a moment here to go over to the green room and explain to you exactly how easy it is to go, say, female to male, F to M. And I hope that when I show you this medical procedure, you will understand that it's not a big deal.
And we've got to stop seeing these people as nuts.
Okay?
Let's roll the tape.
Hey guys, sex changes aren't gross.
Reassignment surgery, we call it.
And it is so simple to do.
I don't understand all the stigma.
Now, you don't just chop your dick off.
You manipulate the penis in a very simple and easy way in order to make a perfect vagina.
And there's all this like, oh no, this kid's doing it like Jazz Jennings.
Oh, she's taking hormones and then she has this weird little penis and then she's turning into a vagina.
Yes, it's taken her four times to perfect it, but that is probably just the surgeon's incompetence because the actual surgery itself is remarkably simple.
It's just basically zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoop, zoo loop, doop, choop, joop, doo little loop, doo little loop, done.
And I've created a CGI video that will show you, if you, I showed you the actual footage, there's a lot of blood there and it gets hard to see.
So in this CGI video, you will see how extraordinarily simple it is to go from penis to vagina, to go from the organs that you were given by accident to the true organs you were meant to have.
And while you're watching this, you'll realize how unbelievably easy it is.
All right, so first of all, you start with this.
This is just your average penis.
Stop, stop.
Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Now, you take your scalpel, and you can do this at home.
And I would encourage you, if you're having any doubts about your sexuality, if you feel feminine, you feel slightly uncomfortable in your body, if you're bipolar, if you're depressed, if there's anything remotely wrong with your life, I recommend you do this.
And once you have the correct genitalia, you will feel like a million bucks.
Your depression will end.
Any confusion you have will end.
And you'll be like every other woman walking down the street.
I mean, you won't be able to give birth, unfortunately, not yet.
But all your problems will be solved, and you'll just be a normal woman.
And all it takes is this, which is basically like getting your ears pierced.
Anyway, very simple.
We'll go through this really quickly.
You just make an incision down the bag, boop, done.
And then with the, sorry, with the, what are they called?
Tongs, tweezers, little pincer things.
You just move the bag out of the way, right?
Boom, boom.
This is balls being removed.
Now we do this with dogs all the time.
Just zoop, boop, zoop, boop.
Your balls are gone.
Now, that's going to prevent testosterone being produced.
Now you can be even more of a lady.
So now you have the loose bag.
Here's what we do with the penis.
And this is very simple.
You can do this at home.
You just take a scalpel, you cut the top, separate the head from the shaft, okay?
And now we want to go show it with the scalpel.
You just want to peel that back, right?
And then just keep doing incisions underneath the head until stop, stop, stop.
And this is actually kind of fun.
If you can get permission to be in the operating room, it's really interesting seeing these done.
And how you'll watch this whole video, if I wasn't pausing it, is about three minutes.
The operation doesn't take much longer than that.
So Jeeves, just keep chopping away at the mushroom.
No, stop, stop.
What are you doing, Ryan?
Way too fast.
Go back.
See, it's so simple and easy that you can get confused.
So yeah, just keep chopping away at the head and then just go frame by frame almost here.
Yeah, yeah, and just keep making lacerations.
And basically, just stop.
The penis is made of three tubes.
Now, those two tubes on the outside, those two little clown balloons, those are what fill up with butter and create the erection.
You don't want that anymore.
You don't want an erection.
What are you going to have?
An erect vagina?
Okay.
So I'm going to show you how to get rid of those.
Now remember, we have a hole in the bag.
we remove the balls.
We've peeled back this, and what we want to do is this is going to be our vagina.
So, what we want to do is get all this meat out of the way and pull it through the bag, which is just as simple.
You're familiar with the Colombian necktie where they slit a guy's throat and pull his tongue out?
Exactly the same thing.
And it's fun to do.
I've done it several times.
Show them slowly now.
So, we've done some good cutting.
You want to be careful with that hole now, that sort of butthole you made, because that's the future of agina.
Grab all of those strands you just made, the three balloons, right?
Get that bottom skin out of the way.
Have him lift his legs up, or have someone else lift his legs up.
Look, he's got boobs already.
Then just scoop that, and you loop it through.
Now, this is like putting a thread through a needle.
Boom, done.
Now, we want to get rid of the boner tubes, okay?
So we just keep cutting with scissors.
You ever had an ingrown toenail?
It's very similar to that.
You just sort of cut down, and these boner tubes are the ingrown toenail of the penis.
That's gotta go.
So keep slicing down, down, down.
There's a tiny bit of blood when you do this because those are full of capillaries.
And you probably shouldn't change your mind because it's not easy putting all this shit back together again.
It's the humpty-dumpty of operations.
So just keep cutting and gnawing away at the boner tubes until that little thing, that's the urethra right there.
That's where the P comes out.
And the P is going to be coming out.
You obviously don't want it coming out of the same hole as the vagina, right?
So the P is going to be coming out of the hole in the bag.
And I know right now it looks like a cartoon bear yawning.
We're going to be stitching up this entire bag and leaving this urethra intact as soon as we can get rid of these pesky boner tubes.
So slice down, slice down.
At this point now, if you're the surgeon, you could go have a cigarette because everything's done.
So now we have, just stop.
Now we have the penis tube.
That's going to become the clit now, the head.
And then we have the urethra.
And this is going to become the vaginal canal, which is inside out penis skin.
Now, of course, there is a slight problem here where the opening of the vagina will continue to grow hair, just like the base of a penis grows hair.
And those hairs will wear off, go down the canal, and become like hair pies.
What do you call those hair balls that cats choke on?
So you'll get hair balls in there.
That's no problem.
You'll be seeing a gynecologist now that you have a vagina.
He can get in there with his tongs and just pull out the various clumps of hair, just like the hair in your sink.
This is your new sink.
So things are going fantastic here.
Now we burn some holes in the top.
I may have temporarily forgotten why we're making holes there.
Oh yeah, sorry.
So we go back.
We take the penis skin back.
A lot of the times, by the way, when you're doing this, it's like jazz.
And you can add lib.
Maybe you come up with a new idea.
This is how sexual reassignment surgery evolves.
You take a risk.
You say, what if we were to stuff the tube back up into a hole I just made with a laser beam?
That's an idea, too.
I think what they're going to do is make that the urethra, which is all the way down here, and maybe pull, yeah, pull this head into the other hole and make that the clit.
All right, so, by the way, this is virtually painless.
So he's made sort of a toilet plunger shape here for the vaginal canal.
We've got, wait, sorry, what's happening to the head here?
Did I miss something?
Go back a frame?
Oh yeah, so you, the head's too big to be a clit.
So you just very quickly just remove this sort of edge of the helmet, throw that in the garbage.
You'd be surprised how much meat you have in your tray when you're done this.
Now you elongate that.
That's still the vaginal canal.
And now what we're going to do is poke the head through one of the handmade holes we made.
And that's our clitoris.
Okay.
So if you've ever rubbed the tip of your penis and it feels nice, well, you're going to love it now that it's a clitoris.
The urethra now goes into hole number two.
And, okay, you pull it all the way out like a piece of spaghetti.
And now you start cutting up the hole.
Now this is back to our penis shaft we had a while ago.
I guess you yank that all the way out and oh, you slice it down, right?
Just pause.
Because a woman's urethra is this long.
A man's urethra is the length of his penis.
That's too much urethra.
So what I recommend you do, and what a lot of my friends do, is they will cut down that urethra hole, that urethra tube, sorry, and make it just the hole.
So it's a nice small woman's urethra.
Now, of course, while all this is healing, you'll be urinating into a colostomy bag.
That's perfectly normal.
The healing process is a whole other video we're going to do, and we'll show you in depth how to do it.
It's very easy, ladies.
You just, obviously the hole is trying to shut.
So you just dilate.
You have various dildo sizes that you leave in there.
So just like with an earring, the hole can't seal.
Anyway, let's get back to cutting this urethra tube.
Why is there so much stigma here?
Right, so what you do now with the urethra tube is you fold it over the shaft of the penis vaginal canal.
All right, not everything has an explanation.
And you sew that together.
A lot of these parts are confusing, but they make sense later.
So now you're stitching the urethra and folding it over the edge of the vaginal canal, as one does.
Now you keep sliding down into the taint.
You cut open the, what's it called?
The prostate, which you've since removed.
And then you poke around in there.
Keep poking and poking and poking until you find a Christmas tree.
And then touch the Christmas tree for good luck.
And take it out again.
And then take a thread, loop it through the Christmas tree.
That will then make the penis and then just have a bunch of threads, four threads appear.
And then you pull it all inside out and pull it down and yank it out the butthole.
And now we're almost done.
We still have some extra bag skin.
So we cut away at that.
Very simple.
This is just origami.
Cut those, throw that little corner in the garbage.
There'll be a tray Next to you, if you're doing this at home.
Obviously, cut the other tray.
It's almost like ears of an elf.
Now you've got that.
This is still bag skin hanging down, and that's just beautiful.
You just close that up.
It takes one, two, three, four, five, second, about 30 stitches.
And you're done with your perfectly beautiful vagina.
And it's functioning.
That's the head of the penis, believe it or not.
And all you have to do is keep dilating it and see your surgeon maybe another four or five times as he fixes the various mistakes that happen.
And surgeons, if you're watching this, don't be scared to take some risks, to try some new stuff, because the penis to vagina process is always evolving.
Again, the big picture here is you can see, folks, that's a very simple process.
And the only reason there's stigma around trans and sex changes is because of bigotry.
So we have to overcome our bigotry, see how simple it is to switch sexes and kind of wake up because trans rights are human rights, folks.
*music*
Bloody ridiculous.
Now, oh yeah, coronavirus, we should just briefly cover.
Jewish guy in my neighborhood in Westchester.
Damn.
He's, I think, well, we have nine deaths so far in the U.S., but he's the hot case right now.
He takes Metro North to get to the city, which I also take.
Look at Cuomo.
Isn't it funny how he started this war against me?
He's a thug.
He's a mafioso, corrupt, violent human being who steals money and wishes violence upon his opponents.
And with his push, my definition on Wikipedia is now a description of him.
He is someone who uses violence, who encourages violence against his political opponents.
Well, I'll be dipped in shit.
He actually threatened to fight me.
He said, I'm a queens boy.
You want to roll?
Yes.
I would fucking love to fight you, Cuomo.
Did I talk about boxing today?
No, I don't know.
I fought today.
I learned something really important.
I have a problem where I have my little things.
Like I go down, left, right, and then I try to do an overhand.
Do that, right?
But then the next time, maybe even do it twice.
So the next time you're down there and he thinks there's an overhand, totally mix it up.
Maybe just do three fucking body shots and get up.
So use variety.
Hello, you've got a bass.
But yeah, Jewish lawyer, here's the spooky part about it.
And I'm not a coronavirus guy.
I'm no sticks and hammer.
We should probably have him on the show.
His wife, children, and neighbor.
Now, you kiss your wife.
I get that.
You don't only kiss your kids on the lips.
You sort of kiss them on the forehead goodnight, but you hug them, I guess.
You're coughing around them.
They're breathing in that air.
Okay.
Your neighbor?
Hi, neighbor.
Like, I don't make out with my neighbor.
Possibly, do they have kids on the same school bus?
His neighbor, who jumped.
You know, because if the kids have it, the kid goes on the school bus.
Oh, when they say neighbor, they mean the kids?
No, no, no.
The neighbor might have gotten it through their kid that they share a bus with their Wow, Detective Shitty comes up with something.
What does fucking boss tweed have to say?
Oh.
The not-so-good news.
Okay.
Well, we'll give it a second.
That was fun.
I don't give a shit.
Here's really genuinely important news, though.
Now, I'm not very good at reporting on Tommy Robinson because I speak to him regularly, and I always assume he'll be coming on the show.
So rather than spill my beans first, I wait for him to come on the show, and then he's too busy, and we never get around to that.
So that's why I didn't have a big feature the day he got out of prison.
By the way, we need to go to this April 2nd.
We'll be on a plane on April Fool's.
Ooh, I get it.
We need to go to Tommy's trial April 2nd in London.
This is the trial for which one now?
Well, the fucking?
I think 1-6 should have it.
Tommy explains it better than most.
He's got my fucking daughter!
I'm going to deal with it!
There's plenty of officers.
No, you're not.
Someone sex me some little girl and you fucking nick their dad.
We are dealing with this.
So, this morning I was released from police custody.
I'll start at the beginning.
Yesterday, one of my friends was staying in Centre Parks, and he got me guest passes so I could take my children.
I took all of my children and one friend.
Centre Parks is like a blue-collar water park, not unlike Great Wolf Lodge.
My wife, my kids were off playing in the pool, and my youngest daughter, who's eight years old, come running out and running up to us, clearly emotional, saying a man had just grabbed her by the bottom in the pool.
I'll now play the recording of what she told me.
Who was he with the man?
Did you see?
When he was coming out of the pool?
I don't think his friend was with.
Anyway, you can sort of go forward in this a little bit.
Basically, he goes through intimate detail with her.
She names the butt cheek and everything, and don't play that joke butt cheek thing.
And so you can tell it's not a girl just making stuff up, right?
And it plays it for you.
He's very careful here.
And by the way, that pisses me off that he has to be so careful about this because he knows everyone's dubious because the pedophile was a Muslim.
Of course.
And it was three Muslim guys who were there without kids.
What?
And he called the police, right?
The guy goes to leave.
He restrains him.
I think they got into a tussle.
He held him there, making a citizen's arrest, waiting for the police.
The police took three hours.
Here's a question.
Is there a place in America that takes three hours to get to by police?
In the remotest of Alaska, is there such a place?
This is in urban Britain.
Turn it up, turn it up.
And my colleagues in there need to speak to your wife and daughter again, somewhere a little bit lower.
Can I just confirm one thing?
Is he been arrested?
Right this very moment, no.
No, so you're nicking me.
You're not saying he's been arrested.
No, we're investigating that.
We have to pay the wife and I'm not sure.
Investigating what?
See, they're so scared of being seen as racist that they let him go.
And as Tommy keeps screaming at them, they didn't take his phone or look at his phone, so now he can delete all his pictures that could have been full of pictures of kids.
Of course it is.
So they fucking arrest him.
And now he's going to court on April 2nd.
We will be there in London for assault.
For assaulting someone.
Who's here with us?
He's not here with kids, is he?
He's here with two other pea fogs, isn't he?
Have you took their phones?
Have you took the three men's phones that he's with?
At this point, I mean...
Yeah, the police don't exist.
It's time to get back to the Wild West.
They're scared of vigilanteism?
Yeah, they should be, because they're about to be replaced.
Do you think the guy knew Tommy Robinson?
And then here's the problem.
I sent this to Tommy.
One, there's all these horrible side effects of this kind of scenario.
One, did they grab my daughter's ass because I'm Tommy Robinson and it's a feather in your cap?
Right?
Amongst the Muslim community, amongst the Asian, which is Pakistani, community, to have terrorized Tommy Robinson's daughter is probably considered pretty cool.
So now you feel this incredible guilt where I'm a danger to my children.
And I cannot stress enough how damning that is as a father.
I'm a father.
And to know that you are jeopardizing your children's safety, it makes you feel like fucking worthless shit.
It's why cops kill themselves because their role has been subverted.
And now you're not a provider.
You're not helping them.
You're not good for your children.
The best thing you can do for your children is get away from them.
That's a fucking horrible feeling as a father.
Number two, are the police not handling it because I'm Tommy Robinson?
If I was a normal citizen and someone molested my kids, they'd arrest them right away.
So now again, you feel like you're a hindrance because your daughter gets attacked because you're you and then the police don't handle it because you're you.
I mean, how he retains his sanity, I have no idea.
I would have gone ballistic in there.
Number three, is my daughter going to be reluctant to report this because she sees what happens.
The police don't come, so nothing happens to the pedophile.
And I get mad and I get in trouble and I go to jail.
So now this poor little child, his kids are the same age as my kids, this poor little, I think she's 11 or something.
I shouldn't say that maybe.
But she's very young.
You can tell by her voice that she's young.
Has to wonder, am I responsible?
Like, what if Tommy goes back to jail?
She's going to think she's responsible.
Talk about blaming the victim.
So she gets molested, and then she has nightmares every night because she put her father in prison.
You want to vote for Bernie?
You want a socialist America?
You want this to be Britain?
What was that tweet I sent you?
People joking about it?
It's a really, it's a great area for humor.
After Tommy Robinson is arrested for fighting at Center Parks, Laura suggests he could be sentenced to another two months at Center Parks.
They spelt Center wrong twice.
Pedophile can go to Center Parks provide.
Okay, this is a totally different thing.
This isn't a joke.
This is an article in The Guardian where they're allowing pedophiles to go to Center Parks.
You know, by the way, I would bet the farm that this pedophile they allowed to go to Center Parks is Muslim.
They didn't want to offend him.
They're big on pedophiles' rights in Britain, especially non-white pedophiles' rights.
Did this article happen after the Tommy Robinson thing?
No.
This is just PR news.
They're bringing up cases like this case 1-7, where this guy got 18 months because he's white.
We are okay with white pedophiles.
We seem to have that under control.
Perverted squeeze, teenage girls, bum jailed for 18 months.
What is that subhead?
Look at that fucking pedophile.
Ian Pickering had claimed his actions were innocent, quote unquote, but he was still convicted of sexual activity with a child.
Poor guy.
They were innocent.
It was just fun.
Just fun grab.
You know the way you grab an 11-year-old girl's ass as a joke?
Like, hey, how you doing?
You know that way?
Yeah, just like a little goose.
The way one does.
You sort of grab her boobs.
Hey, boob alert.
Boob alert.
Yeah, that's the way you do.
The thing that kind of makes me think they weren't targeting Tommy is because they were just there already, right?
Unless they followed him there.
They were just happening.
But no, those two are not mutually exclusive.
The three pedophiles are there without kids.
But then they see that it's him.
And then they go, ooh, we got a...
This happened to me once.
I'm sure I've told you this story, but I'll bore you with it again.
I was at a kids' resort in Jamaica, and it couldn't have been more kid-based.
The tables were low.
It was so kid-based.
Sesame Street, it's called Pebbles.
Sesame Street characters were everywhere.
Ernie and Bird are walking around, big birds there.
The tables have little sandwiches.
There's ice cream.
Even if you have a two-year-old who just learned to walk, the nanny will just take her around the place.
Sophie, my daughter walked around there for so long that her toes were bleeding, the tips of her toes, because she was walking, walking, walking all day, loving it.
And so the parents are happy with that.
As parents, all we care about, yeah, that's it, that's it.
As parents, all we care about is that our kids are happy.
Once we see them running around, all we need is a chair and a beer, right?
So if you want to make parents happy, you make the resort super duper kid focused, and that's what Pebbles is.
Anyway, I'm there, and there's a dude who has his shirt off.
He has a tattoo of a black arrow this thick that goes up his spine and ends here on a bald head.
He's about 22.
Wow.
And I'm talking to him, and then one of the boys says, Yeah, I talked to that guy, and I go, What's his story?
And he says, He said to me that he's going to get laid here.
He asked if we knew any chicks, any of the girls who work here again, as one does, right?
You know, you often go up to 11-year-olds, 12-year-old boys, and ask them if they can help you get laid, right?
Isn't that what we do?
I think that was the tattoo.
Maybe the guy, it was a tribute to Avatar.
Because that's the tattoo.
He dropped his back and then the arrow on the head.
So he was a nerd, weirdo, likes cartoons.
Jesus.
So I just, I'm cutting the shit here.
And I go up to him and I go, what's going on here?
What are you doing here?
And he goes, oh, I'm just here to hang out.
Wait, someone else got it?
Go back?
I thought I saw it on someone's head.
Yeah, I believe you did.
So it's not an uncommon tattoo.
That had to be drawn on.
Oh, that kid is, that's the actor in the movie.
Oh, phew.
Yeah, yeah.
So yeah, his arrow didn't come down quite that far.
But anyway, so I go up to him.
I go, what the fuck are you doing here?
No, I was actually, I wasn't that way out of the gate.
I go, hey, what's going on?
What are you, what's going on with you?
And he goes, what?
I'm just hanging out.
What's your name?
Blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Do you have kids here?
No, I don't have kids.
I'm 22.
Okay, so why are you here?
And he goes, well, I don't know.
I go, look around.
There's Big Bird over there.
This is a family resort.
If I was you, I wouldn't want to be here.
You're not going to meet any girls here, young man.
And he goes, yeah, I know.
My travel agent fucked up.
And when I showed up here, I went, oh my God.
And I went, no, no, that doesn't work.
And I go, if it was me, we were near Montego Bay.
So if it was me and I got out of the taxi and my travel agent fucked up, I'd call a taxi right away, go back to Montego Bay, get some stupid motel, some cheap motel there in town, and then swim in the pools and party and meet people and go to the clubs and have myself a Jamaican holiday with Jamaican girls who love white guys.
Why aren't you doing that?
He goes, I don't know.
I already, I unpack.
And I go, no, you're packing your bags.
You're getting the fuck out of here.
And he goes, no, I'm not.
And I go, I think you're a pedophile.
He goes, you think I'm a pedophile?
And he got so mad.
I go, yeah, I think you're here to molest children.
And me and the other dads aren't tolerating it.
You're going to get the fuck out of here.
I started doing that Tony Soprano thing, which sometimes doesn't work, by the way, when you look at me.
I go, you're going to pack your bags?
And he goes, you're calling me.
Then he screamed this at the club.
You're calling me a fucking pedophile.
So, yes, yes, I am.
We go back and forth with this confrontation.
He leaves.
The next day I see him, and he's got his bags packed in the lobby, and he's waiting for a taxi to take him out.
And I didn't say anything.
I'm not going to show up and go, bye.
But one of the weirdest parts of this whole story was there was this dude there who was from Brooklyn and he had a Brooklyn accent, a tough guy, Brooklyn accent.
What the fuck?
What are you talking about?
What the fuck?
But he had fallen in love with a Jamaican woman.
He had Jamaican kids.
He was upper middle class in Jamaica, which isn't hard.
And he also had a Jamaican accent.
It's like, what go on with you, fuck?
Why you vex me so, dude?
So he was a tough guy.
I mean, to be white in Jamaica, if you don't just own some fancy hotel on a mountaintop with all servants, then it's a dangerous place.
I mean, there's curfews at 9 p.m. in most of these villages because there's so much fucking crime, brutal, heinous crime.
And he comes up to me and he goes, hey, man, I just got to thank you, you know.
I couldn't have relaxed here on this vacation knowing he was there.
And I'm like, well, where were you?
I didn't fight him.
I didn't pick him up, hogtie him, and throw him into the ocean.
I just confronted him.
You're too scared to confront people when your children are in danger?
Anyway, Tommy doesn't have that problem.
And the fact that he was arrested for daring to go up to someone who admitted it, by the way, go check out the videos on that.
They admitted that they did it.
He said it was just a joke.
That's what the pedophile said.
I was just grabbing your daughter's ass as a joke.
Don't talk about Tommy Robinson restraining the man.
And that you arrest him.
Were you to do anything that puts his name on?
So for me, for me, people are going to say, okay, so you've been charged with assault.
Who have you assaulted?
What am I meant?
A man that sexually assaulted my daughter.
Oh, yeah, right now they're saying you can't say the man's name.
Listen to it or hear what it is.
Because it's probably like Anne Jem Chowdhury or something like that.
Which I can't imagine.
Muhammad.
A common assault.
Again, top priority is the pedophile's rights.
Has admitted in my police interview, in my police interview, they said he's admitted grabbing your daughter.
He's admitted grabbing her.
He's admitted it.
He admitted it to me.
Yeah, he ain't been nicked.
The first thing he admitted to me, oh, I grabbed a bum by accident.
How'd you grab an eight-year-old's bum by accident, mate?
How does that happen?
It doesn't.
And he was very clear when he asked his daughter, was it like a brush or was it a this?
I think she did it to him.
She grabbed Tommy's ass when it was like this.
But anyway, and then you're being, they wanted to grab his hand like as if they're going to arrest him.
It's like, what the fuck?
What's going on here?
Bananas.
All right, guys, let's do the fucking mailbag.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Okay.
Now, the last mailbag was so shitty, it was not much better than Gary's mailbag, that I have gone through these in advance.
And I now have blue flags on them.
Now, this one is from Trevor, who yesterday talked about a hot chick who was behind Donald Trump, but neglected to include the photograph.
And Ryan, if you could stop taking notes and participate in the show, please.
That would be much appreciated.
He said she's pretty hot and loves Trump.
What more can you ask for in the lady?
And we said, Thank you very much, sir, for bringing this to our attention.
But you didn't include the picture.
Well, luckily, he watches the show regularly and he saw us say that.
Uh-oh, that's my coronavirus kicking in.
Can you find the motherfucking picture, please?
Shit for brains?
Subject and which mailbag are you looking at?
Which mailbag?
Free speech or censored?
Trevor Warner.
Okay.
I just gave his name away.
Marriage proposal, follow-up.
Got it.
Oh, you already got it.
Great job.
There she is.
Sir, you are absolutely 100% correct.
That is an incredibly hot.
Fuzzy girl.
It's one of the hottest Trump supporters I've ever seen.
What a catch.
You know, if my wife were to die in a car accident, I would, of course, be reclamped.
I would mourn for a long time.
But eventually, I would hope I would recover and begin my life again and find out who that is and where she lives.
You can tell even in the blur, by the way, you cropped her as per usual.
You can tell even in the blur that she's out of control.
And then the full sleeve, I'm not a big tattoo guy, but you can tell girls with full sleeves are fun.
I mean, she's lived a life, you know?
All right.
Here's a great one from Stephanie.
You ready?
This is, I am a rape dream survivor because of you.
Okay.
Just know I am clutching my trolls as I type this offended by what I heard on the episode where you discussed that hot redhead actress complaining about Mr. Hardline asking about her boob authenticity.
Just to be clear, Steph, it wasn't the actress who was asked.
It was someone who worked on the show, I believe.
And they asked if that Joan chick has real tits.
I too am a faux ginger whose beauty pales in comparison to hers.
The things people have said to me while in line or having dinner or dealing with customers' work are dirtier than anything my husband says to me in bed.
To be clear, I have had complete strangers discuss having sex with me or the appearance of my vagina in a more vulgar manner than the man I've been with for nearly 20 years during sex.
Also, can you imagine being so hot people want to eat a mile of your shit just see where it comes from?
She hears worse talking, taking her trash cans to the street.
It is, of course, that's what comes with being hot, ugly up or shut up.
Again, she's a little misled here, but her point is valid that these women are shocked.
Ryan, I'm not sure you're meant to show their fucking face, genius.
Oh.
Did that not occur to you?
Nope.
Especially when the MO is always show the picture.
Why isn't the picture up?
Not when it's people.
My husband, best dude ever, was out of town for work.
This is my youngest boy, age five.
I couldn't find him when we were getting ready for bed.
Thank you for all you do.
I think we can show this.
She's included her name.
Into a video show that I'm sure she's familiar with.
This isn't a personal mail.
No, it's to the mail bag.
I don't think you have to worry about that previous picture of their family either.
Okay.
But just be a little more cautious in the future.
Sure, sure.
But let's see.
So I was talking about the E.T. movie.
She said I ruined E.T. for her.
But I said, kids don't smell a shirt of their dad, but they could see a picture of their dad if he's been away and be sad.
Let's see if this makes me sad.
All right.
So far, how are you doing, dude?
I restarted the QuickTime if you're interested in knowing the truth.
What are you doing, baby?
Nice floors.
What's going on?
Oh, I love that.
I'm taking a text.
No, I was just holding myself in one hand.
You know, that's a weird thing with kids.
They don't like being videotaped.
I guess this is why.
You're so sad.
Daddy's not coming out.
He is coming home.
He's just out of town for work.
Oh, Elon.
I mean, Wednesday morning.
He won't be.
No, he won't be here in the morning.
You're right.
But I'll be here.
Oh, no.
Do you want to call Daddy on FaceTime?
Oh, I'll be, but it wasn't that one.
Stephanie, I'm sorry.
I know you as a mom see this, and it breaks your heart.
You're getting hustled.
What do you think that's about then?
It's bedtime.
And he is delaying the inevitable.
He knows that that tugs at your heartstrings.
He does miss his dad, but he doesn't want to go to bed.
And you'll notice the drama really ramps up around bedtime.
And she said she couldn't find him.
When it was bedtime, he went to the other room.
And this kid is going to be successful.
I guarantee you, because he figured out a way to make you cry.
And you obviously believed it.
You're sending it to people.
So you fell for it.
You got hustled.
That kid has got to move to New York.
He's going to make a lot of money.
Remember, we did this interview.
It was for the Ottawa Citizen, my hometown's paper, and they visited us in New York.
And we had just moved to New York.
And it said, we were working with Tom Green's people.
And it said, Tom Green wannabes want their MTV.
That was the headline.
It was three full pages of the newspaper.
All my friends read it, and my parents' friends.
And it was my hometown, Ottawa.
And we lied the whole time.
We got actors to play MTV.
We ended up merging with MTV later, but the whole thing was a total made-up.
We created this universe for him using our friends as various actors.
And so when he found out, because the fucking Tom Green's manager ratted us out and said, that was unethical what you did.
No, it was funny.
And so he was freaking out and he kept calling people and he called Matt Sweeney and he said, do you realize what you've done?
You've impersonated the largest broadcaster in the world.
And Matt was pretty calm and He just goes, Face it, dude, it's New York City.
You got hustled.
And ever since then, anytime anyone got fucked over, we'd say, Hey, it's New York City, you got hustled.
I have a very important letter to read that I put on my notes.
It's so important.
This is from Hugh.
Starting today.
Peace and love.
Peace and love.
March 4th.
I am willing to match donations up to $1,500, $1,500 for the Proud Boys in prison.
I want to raise extra money.
We are putting this, so when you go to just, starting right now, at this time, we will keep him abreast of every donation to justiceforliberty.com, and he will then match the donation.
So if you put in 400 bucks, there will be another 400 bucks.
Now your 400 is 800 bucks.
So please go to justiceforliberty.com right now and donate up until it hits 1500 bucks this particular moment.
So the next whatever it is, 15 donations, 10 donations.
I hope not much more.
Meaning, like, I hope it's not a bunch of $2 donations.
This guy will match it.
So that's fun.
Thank you, Hugh.
Much appreciated.
I'll definitely get that to the guys in charge and make sure we keep a good record of that.
Last letter.
This is from Duke.
Hey, Gav, glad to see my voodoo doll is working.
Yes, the other day I shoved a needle into its back.
I've also been slowly pulling out its hair.
It's not your testosterone pills.
You should probably keep taking those.
Your arms still look like wet spaghetti.
They do not.
By the way, my arms are getting bigger, and I got a personal trainer.
I'm going to try to get more muscle mass without cheating this time.
Although, speaking of cheating, Ryan, can you change the camera to auto?
Sure.
I'm going to, let's check in on my bald spot.
I'll bring the mic over here.
line me up with, and just sort of It's a little...
Down a little bit?
All right, waiting.
A little more coverage, I think.
There's just one spot that's like here.
Touch it.
I just undid it.
Like this.
Tap on it.
Tap on the skin.
See, usually when people would do that, I would feel skin.
I feel hair.
So is there even like sort of peach fuzz even on that bald part?
Yeah, there's no place where it's completely bald.
And there was.
I don't think so.
Like, that is the closest it gets, and there's still coverage there.
There's still fuzz.
I think it's working.
It's just, it's like light hairs, but they're hairs.
I think Rogane might work.
Well, it's been out there for what, like, 30 years now?
I've always been very skeptical of it, but I don't know.
It feels hairier.
All right, let me just finish this one.
How did you not make a joke about Joe Rogane Rogan?
I don't know, because he's bald.
If he had hair, that might be a joke.
I will disenchant the voodoo doll unless you do what I say.
I want you to give me $1 million.
That's pretty cool.
I think I'd rather go bald and have back pain.
Or give Homeless Gary a hand job live on censored.tv.
I'd rather do that than pay a million bucks.
If you don't believe me, check your legs because I've removed all the bones in them.
I can still feel my legs.
My legs have bones.
This guy's lying.
Yeah, this might be bullshit.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Hugs and kisses, Yamo.
Nice try, Yamo.
You had me going.
Until the bones part.
That is crazy to Nash.
Thinks he's a toad.
All right, let's end with...
If you don't want to go out very much, you likely have trouble socializing.
If you have trouble socializing, you likely have autism, Asperger's, ADHD.
If you have these conditions, you probably can't shake hands very well.
Well, and then zip.
They go like this a lot.
The only time I see this is at the boxing gym.
Hey, man.
Oh, and zoop.
There he goes.
And nope, not happening.
Sorry, can't get it.
This is like me with that black cop where he just ended up hugging me.
Yeah.
Hey.
And the smartest of it left.
How do you miss that?
Aren't they good at hand-eye coordination?
Handshakes use hands and eyes.
Oh, you're going over here first?
No, when there's a control.
There's no control.
This one's good where he does okay.
Yep, that was good.
And then he wants to come in on a handshake.
You can't join a handshake.
Hey, buddy, give me a pound.
Nope.
I'm going to have to put my headset away from you.
Look, even black guys can't do it to each other.
Hello.
Ooh, gross.
Look, he's sitting at the tip of his fingers.
And let's do a pound.
Nope.
Okay.
These guys...
This is why you shouldn't play video games, Ryan.
Oh, I very rarely do I. FBK!
Nice tie.
No, I'm jumping!
I'm jumping!
I'm joking!
It's a joke!
It's a joke!
Wow.
It goes to Blizzards.
What a funny joke, you fucking asshole.
Blizzards!
What a great joke.
Wow.
What are you, David Brent and the Upper?
Alright, guys.
High-five each other.
Shake hands.
What did you say?
You just say fucking fan.
Usually I'm home gaming alone.
That would be funny if the guy was gay and having sex and he's like, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm a fucking fag.
Fucking is not an adjective, it's a verb.
I'm not mad.
And that's going to be Taz closing out the round two and a half for a 10-5.
Well, thanks a lot, Crims.
I appreciate you coming out here.
There you go.
And of course, he has a microphone.
And then he tries to shake his hand.
He's like, now that you have two microphones, great time to shake your hand, correct?
You got two scoops.
Here, now deal with this.
There we go.
Just put that on the fucking floor.
Because I can't.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Get fired, get in trouble, be brave, and never stop fighting.
Let it be the satellite.
I wanna take you home boy.
Come with me out in the light.
Living somebody else boy.
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