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Feb. 11, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:20:01
S02E123 - JIM CARREY IS AN ASSHOLE [2020-02-11 - S02E123 - JIM CARREY IS AN ASSHOLE]
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Dope boy or rapple, she want a dope boy or rapper.
She got a dope boy or rapper or rapper.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
In my city, these bitches backwards.
They want a dope boy or rapper.
She want a dope dope boy rapper.
That was Casper TNG featuring Fresh.
And they bring to light a common conundrum with ladies when they're trying to find Mr. Wright.
Do you want a dope boy?
A man who sells various drugs, marijuana, molly, heroin, Coke.
Or do you want a rapper?
Or do you want a dope boy who is a rapper?
Now, this is from Toronto, which is North America's most diverse city.
And I think when you watch this video, it's pretty clear that diversity is a strength.
I mean, look at the culture in Canada.
And I know you Americans don't care about Canada, but let me make something clear.
Ezra Levant says he loves going to England because it's like a time machine, a dystopia time machine where he can see what Canada will be like in five years.
Well, Canada is what America will be if Bernie wins, if AOC and the Goon Squad get their way.
If any of these radical leftists win, this is what they will be turning America into.
A fucking shithole where terrorists are rewarded $10.5 million and the police come to your house, or sorry, demand you come to their building, their office, if you dare write a book that criticizes the president.
That's Canadian culture today, and that's where we're headed.
Of course, that'll be people questioning the book on Bernie, not the book on Trump.
But yeah, I want to show you what is going on with the fucking garbage culture in Canada, in Toronto specifically, before we get to the more juicy stuff.
I also have a very important segment where I talk about how much Jim Carrey is a fucking asshole piece of shit.
But let's just start with the dirt because it relates to that song.
So that was Casper.
She's down with the six, number six IX.
She's quite successful, apparently, selling merch.
So this is some girl who's from a shitty part of Toronto, dominating the culture down there, showing you, this is showing you the decay of Toronto.
This is what the most diverse city.
Look, stop.
Okay, you got to be fast.
So she's testing the diamonds on her Rolex and her ring and her whatever.
I mean, that Rolex is probably worth $100,000.
So she must be spending all her drug money on this retarded jewelry.
But look at the kid she's with.
This is the new Toronto.
That's Debbie.
Focus.
Focus.
I can't see it.
Wait, wait.
Oh, I got it.
I lost it.
99% of looking at that watch was blurry.
Whoa, Debbie is blossoming.
She's even got diamonds on her sweatshirt, yo.
It's coming soon.
We didn't see the guy.
Maybe we'll see the guy in this next clip.
So that's her merch banging.
The next clip is an interview with Debbie on Everyone Toronto.
This is where we're headed, folks.
You're looking into Bernie Sanders America.
Debbie, what's good, man?
I'm all here, fam.
Yo, respect for sitting down with me.
This is Big Tings, man.
Big Tings.
How you doing, yo?
Like, what's good?
I'm blessed.
You know, I'm living life.
For real, yo.
For real, yo, for real.
So, yo, like, tell me what's going on with you lately, man.
Like, so you got the merch now?
Yo, your channel rapping.
See, you guys have little stuff, yo.
Yep.
Yo, that's already now.
I don't understand you.
Is that English?
Get some little jewelry in there.
That's what I wanted you to see.
Can you go back?
She's speaking English, by the way.
There we go.
Welcome to Bernie's America.
Is it like Takashi 6-2 or something?
Look at his fucking face.
It's like Jim Norton playing a character of a douche.
Nice work, dude.
Did you fall asleep at a party?
People say it's a shots down to Yeddie Noble.
Clear one again, are you dumb?
Shots down to Eddie Nobel.
Like, what's going on?
What's going on?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm making big moves.
Like, I'm playing around with this stuff here.
For real.
For real.
Give it two years, I'll be in LA.
Trust me.
For real.
Yo, you're going to be your ears black.
For real.
Oh, they are.
Because she must have dyed her hair black for this interview and then didn't clean them.
Oh, my God.
Verna and stuff in top five and stuff.
Who's got time for that?
It's like Jamaican hoser black.
That's the same with the British East London accent.
That's been dominated by Jamaican.
They say Gyals and Waguan.
These guys say Waguan.
Damn, fam.
So weird.
I have the block tatted.
I got in the block.
Yeah, no, I saw that.
I saw that.
Yo, I saw that.
Varney Drive.
That's the street.
What do you think about the whole TJ thing when he came down?
Hey, Waguan!
Fire!
Fun!
Fun!
What?
What?
Them TG's got you!
Fun!
Fire, you fucking goof!
Shout out to them New York niggas that want to come check in with me.
And like, you know what I mean, man?
Oh, if I caught Lil' TJ, it would have been a different situation.
For real.
Yo.
I hate little TJ.
For real.
Oh, actually, that brings us to our last link.
She thinks Lil TJ is a stupid bitch.
Did you know that?
I did, yes.
I'm glad you're caught up because I have been wanting to speak about this for a while.
The most diverse city in North America.
I actually think Little Technology.
Starring There's Her Tattoo of Her Street.
Verna Drive.
I think it's in Scarborough.
This is your daughter.
if you live in Canada.
Notice you say niggas a lot.
You didn't see that before in Canada, even with blacks.
The Bitch ass nigga, bro.
That was a Grand Theft Auto.
Look, that's a simulator.
That's a CGI.
From Grand Theft Auto.
That nigga suck a dick.
He ain't not shit.
He a fake click.
He don't got shit.
Ain't no paperwork.
She doesn't have a $200,000 watch.
Or a toothbrush.
At least he has a toothbrush.
I want to meet her parents.
Hi.
We're just watching your daughter on doing one of her videos that little TJ is a stupid bitch.
You failed.
You failed.
We told you you had one job.
Keep her off the pole.
Well, apparently you have two jobs.
Keep her out of the ghetto rap.
Go to the link above that.
That's an argument for pro-choice.
No, it is not.
We don't want her dead.
We want her saved.
No, no, just not alive.
Oh, so she dead.
This is people approaching her.
Oh, Shay, you're going to try to fight me?
Yeah, that's me, yo, no cap.
That's you, that's you, that's you.
Fight him!
It's going to be a fight.
She's got a very quasi-motal fighting.
Yes.
An Igor-ish demeanor.
Got a hunchback in Notre Dame.
Ring the bells.
This is Toronto.
This is the city of diversity.
How's it working out?
*laughter*
All right.
And then finally, we have the link above that.
Of course.
Where she met her match in parking lot.
This is why you failed.
Oh, no.
This is her.
Sorry, that's a different one where she's on the train.
She likes fighting.
Yeah, she'll throw down.
She's confronting a rival rapper.
This is your daughter in Toronto.
What's she wearing?
Preppy clothes?
It's weird when, like, black kids would wear preppy clothes to sort of look white.
Like when Wu-Tang clan would wear Helly Hansen fishing gear.
But then white kids would start wearing it.
So you see a white kid wearing like deep waders and a Helly Hansen jacket and you go, yeah, you must be going fishing.
Turn it up.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
She's saying, I've told you, I just got off work.
I don't want to deal with you.
I deal with it every single day.
I do this for this, Bron.
Don't piss me off, or this is what's going to happen to you.
Do you understand me?
Do you understand me?
Okay, but I don't know.
Anyway, so that looks fun.
And it reminds me of yesterday we talked about Ezra Levant had sent us a video, and I forgot to get to it.
Can I blame you for that?
Nope.
Couldn't you say, hey, Gav, didn't you say you're going to get to Ezra's video?
It's not in the notes.
You've got to find it.
I could have.
I could have.
I really kicked myself for that, to be honest.
Wait, so I said, can I blame you for that?
And then you said, nope.
And then you said, I kicked myself.
Meaning, yes, I can blame you for that.
I facetiously.
Let me give the build up here.
Omar Katter is a fucking terrorist who's not just one successful terrorist.
And when I say successful, I mean he's murdered American soldiers.
He's blown up shit.
He's a very, very bad man.
But Canada felt so bad that he was in Guantanamo Bay that after his successful mission as a terrorist and doing his time, they gave him 10 million bucks.
And Ezra Levant, whose life is really devoted to fighting government corruption and jihadist terrorism, which Omar Katter personifies both.
So imagine Ezra's shock and surprise when he gets off a flight and learns that one of his co-co-passengers?
Co-passenger was Omar Katter.
Why the fuck is he allowed to fly?
Turn it up.
Can I have a word?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Do you take a selfie together?
Look at his smile.
Can I ask you a couple questions?
How did you get on the plane?
I thought you were on the no-fly list.
See, this is exactly what we figured would happen.
Why don't we go ahead and walk away from these things?
But why don't we see that?
Look at these white women frolicking around him.
Toxic.
Well, that is a toxic thing that is hurtful.
Like, there's Muslim women, I understand that, but these white women that want to be part of this terrorist's life and help shuttle him from thing to thing.
That I found profoundly disturbing.
I don't really mind the Muslim woman doing that.
You're already part of that death cult.
But white women going, let's get involved in this, in exonerating this guy.
But aren't you on the no-fly list?
Is there security for me or for him?
For filming a person when that's really not an okay thing to do.
So please bring them to the screen here.
What do you mean?
Can I ask it why you won't have access to some of the money you got?
Senior officer, he's harassing us.
He's not harassing anybody.
That's a convicted al-Qaeda terrorist right there who just flew on an airplane.
Okay, sir.
Well, he's in idols.
So they probably think he's some nut that's just harassing a random Arab for no reason.
Excuse me, sir.
Well, it's assault.
Keep your hands off me.
I want to get Ezra on the show today.
See if you can dig him up.
I'm trusting you to do that one thing.
Okay.
Why have you fucked up 900 times?
Get me Ezra Levant today or you're fired.
Deal.
Because we're not.
Deal.
You can handle this assignment?
Ezra is gotten already, man.
Where have you stashed the rest of the time?
That's simply contact him.
I think he's doing Blaze today.
The ones who fired me.
The ones who took me from Rebel and then fired me.
This is an airport.
There's a public place.
Exactly.
That's why I'm filming.
See, Ezra knows the law.
That man blinded a medic and murdered an American soldier that was trying to rescue him and help him.
That's a terrorist.
Bring him in peacefully as a POW and get him medical aid, which he got.
flown to one of the finest hospitals in the country in the world what happened to cool cops like just Just stand back, cop.
When Mike Tyson beat up Don King, all the cops that were there just sort of like, oh, I don't see anything.
You can't let a terrorist be uncomfortable.
Look, they get physical with him here.
Look at all these women.
He's got more groupies than Vince Neal.
Terrorism trumps close to getting a civil lawsuit for assault and battery.
Don't jaywalk, sir.
Well, what they mean is we're going to get you inside.
You're going to arrest me from crossing the street here.
Don't jaywalk.
What are you stepping on me?
What are you stepping on me for?
Stopping.
Stopping.
What job is that?
Keeping the public safe.
Whose safety was in breach there?
You should have asked him, do you know who Omar Katter is?
So anyway, Canadians aren't that outraged by this.
The American public couldn't care less.
But imagine if you're a vet who lost friends over there to Omar Katter's exact group, the exact team he's on.
Not just Radical Jihadists, but that particular division where there was lots of Canadian soldiers.
And I saw this rant on Faith Goldie's feed.
This is the second link down.
Where she videotaped some guy named McKenzie.
This is the second link down.
So you go to the top and you count two.
Oh, yeah.
My name is Jeremy McKenzie.
I'm a Canadian Forces Afghanistan combat veteran.
I deployed the 2nd Battalion Royal Canadian Regiment in 2007 to fight these people, actually, to fight Omar Cotter's extended family.
They're all participate.
They love the Taliban, which he was a member of.
And I absolutely detest and abhor the fact that they would even call him such a thing as a child soldier.
Calling him a soldier at all is an insult to the Waffen-SS, let alone me.
These are not people that wear uniforms.
These are not people that obey things like the rules of war or the Geneva Conventions.
They use women and children as human shields.
They burn people with acid for not reading the right magic books.
They're horrendous.
They're monstrous human beings.
They were raping children.
They didn't care.
They would blow up as many of their own civilians as they would to us.
It didn't matter at all.
And now Canada is leaving $150 million on the table meant for veterans because, well, we just don't have the time for them.
Well, the government spends more money since 1870 than any other government in Canadian history.
And in this environment, no, we just don't have enough money.
But we will make Omar Cotter, the Taliban terrorist, a multimillionaire.
And we're going to tell everybody that's got a problem with that to leave the building and leave the premises, including me, including other Canadian forces veterans.
And I have to be here to say this because many of the people from my platoon that were killed by Omar Cotter's little club aren't here to say that anymore.
They're all dead.
Chris Dannix isn't here anymore.
Sergeant Donny Lucas isn't here anymore.
So that's why I'm here, because this is outrageous.
This is a travesty.
And I'm sick of staying home and staying on the couch and watching everybody just not say anything because this is wrong.
This is not what Canada stands for.
It's not the country that I signed up to fight for.
And it is certainly not the country that those men and women died for when I was over there fighting against him and his family and his friends.
So I guess I'm the bad guy now.
If that's how it's going to be, then that's how it's going to be.
Did you cry?
Like a little bitch?
I got pissed.
I almost got cry-pissed.
You pissed out of your eyes?
I'm pissed too from my eye parts.
No, I almost angry cried.
Were you doing the brow furrowing?
That's the only way I cry.
Brow furrowed, tears come down.
Oh, my God.
Veterans Day?
When they talked to Vietnam vets, were you a hero?
No, but I fought with some.
Yeah, I get destroyed pretty easily with war stuff.
Let's talk to that guy, McKenzie, because I want to hear from the people.
Like, I'm offended as a Canadian, as an American, as a Westerner, as someone who is aware of the threat of jihad, but my rage couldn't hold a candle to someone who was actually there.
So I want to hear more from this guy.
Let's get them on the line.
Let's get them on the line.
Mackenzie, are you there?
Yes, sir.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you doing?
How's it going, eh?
Not too bad, eh?
Fucking look at McKenzie showing up here with a 2-4 under his arm, fucking slamming back blues like there's no tomorrow, fuck.
But he's on a tear.
We were just watching you this fucking freak out about Omar Katter.
I don't know why you're so mad.
He's a child.
He was a child soldier.
Yeah, you run into a lot of that, even though I think the UN's definition of child soldier is 14 and under.
So that doesn't really count.
How old was he?
He was 15 when I'm 16.
Right.
So I don't really know how that works.
He's also the Taliban.
You know, soldiers, Taliban, bit of a stretch, I would say.
It's kind of an insult to soldiers everywhere, I would say.
Well, this whole thing has been an insult to soldiers everywhere, especially Canadian soldiers who are out there dying.
You've lost friends over there.
Yeah.
Way few, unfortunately.
And this is one of the murderers.
What did he do?
He knocked out a guy's eye.
Why don't you explain to our viewers who Omar Katter is?
So he was detained in 2002 by United States Special Forces.
They were doing a raid on a compound he was in.
They don't typically do that for nobodies, you know.
They didn't just stumble upon these people.
And, you know, typically in their fashion, when they approached the compound, the women and children left.
They were ordered to leave.
So Omar did not go with them.
Right, because he's not a child.
Yeah, that's what they did with us, too.
I saw kids older than him, 16, 17, walk out with the women and children before we would go in there.
And then they shot the interpreters.
So they bombed the village or wherever the little compound they were in.
They moved in.
He plays dead, so then he lobs a grenade at the guys, and he kills Sergeant Christopher Speer, one of your guys, and he blinded another guy, I think a Marine Corps Sergeant Lane Morris.
Yep.
You know, minimum.
Never mind, he's on video wiring an entire living room full of Italian anti-tank mines, smiling happily.
Look at me, daddy.
Am I good boy?
And it's, you know, where did those go?
To the sky?
They didn't get donated to Goodwill.
No.
No, they didn't get recycled.
Those blue, you know what I mean?
Those got used somewhere.
Right.
And how many more, you know, kids' dads didn't come home from that?
And now he's walking around doing a speaking tour.
And the medic he attacked had to deal with the local medicine for his eye.
Omar Katter also had problems with his chest and eye.
He had tons of injuries.
So we airlifted him to a German hospital, I believe, to make sure he got the finest care imaginable.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's how racist we are.
You know what I mean?
They could just let him die, right?
But, you know, that's actually what, because that's what soldiers actually do.
It's like, you know, the kind of the battlefield code kind of thing.
Yeah, yeah.
You just, you know what I mean?
Okay, you're out, you're down.
Fair enough.
That's how it's supposed to be.
The Taliban doesn't do that.
It's also not cool for us to use women and kids as human shields or terrorize the population into obeying our commands or we behead them or take their children, et cetera.
Yeah, that's a great point.
If you're a real soldier, then you would deal with real soldier medics.
The fact that we flew you with a helicopter somewhere means you're obviously some sort of political politician.
You're some sort of public figure almost.
Yeah, and it's strange that, you know, I learned last night, I guess I knew this, but I've forgotten, but Kretien bailed out his father from being arrested or detained or something for terror charges in the 90s.
So like, how far, how much of the Liberal Party is, you know, how high is the Cotter family in the Liberal Party?
What is this?
This is a strange connection, two prime ministers now are bailing out people personally?
That's kind of weird.
I don't know.
Well, so we're getting closer to today.
And the next stage in the story after Guantanamo Bay is Justin Trudeau awards him $10.5 million for the inconvenience of being detained.
Yeah.
Yeah, the poor kid, the poor baby.
You know, like, why were you there in the first place, dude?
How did you get there?
And some of the reporters were like, did you, what do you think of, wanted to ask?
Of course, there's not approved questions, want to ask him, what do you think about your father now?
You know, where was your mother?
Why did she try and get you out of that situation?
And if she didn't, why wasn't she charged with child abuse?
Well, his father trained him, right?
Yeah, well, yeah.
They're all al-Qaeda operatives and sympathizers.
And one of them is related to the bin Laden family.
I think one of their sisters is married to the Joshua Boyle character that also Trudeau had a weird interest in smoothing things over for that guy.
Stop, stop.
Let me catch up the viewers.
Omar Katter's sister dated that dude that just has the beard here who took his family backpacking on Al-Qaeda territory where, of course, they get kidnapped and she gets raped.
And I think they lose a child over there.
I mean, it was almost like Death by Cop, Raped by Taliban, where they walked right into it.
And Joshua Boyle's very friendly with Justin Trudeau.
So you're right.
This is sounding very suspicious.
Yeah, Osama bin Laden was friends with his father, Ahmed Khadr, and his sister, I think Zanab is her name, who's married to Joshua Boyle.
Who then married someone else?
Like, yeah, and basically took this woman on a terror tour.
Yeah, there's this weirdness there, you know, and they're trying to trot him out.
Like, oh, he was just a child.
I don't think I've ever heard him apologize.
You know, if I was really sorry, this is what I would be doing.
Okay, if I'm a reformed child soldier, oh, the horror, I can't believe I was tricked into this.
I would have spent the rest of my life probably going across the tour denouncing radical Islamic terrorism.
Yep.
And things like the Taliban and Al-Qaeda.
And like, look, I was a kid and my family brainwashed me into this crazy ideology that told me to subjugate all the women and cut the heads off of all everybody else.
Don't do it.
Here's the signs.
He's not doing that.
So he doesn't seem very sorry to me.
And when people approach him for legitimate questions about his, but he gives them smug responses.
Like he said to Ezra, would you want a selfie?
Oh, man.
Wow.
This guy is not sorry at all.
He's playing everybody.
He's eating out of his hand.
He's laughing at us.
You think he could have given that widow a penny?
Right.
From the selfie.
Even if he decided to say, I'll keep $2 million and then I'll give the rest to those people.
He didn't do that either.
Even that's shitty, but we'd appreciate that.
So I think the worst case scenario here is that radical Islam is embedded in the Canadian government.
And the reason that's relevant to Americans is because we are following in the same footsteps with all this sycophantic love we have for care.
That's the worst case scenario.
But even the best case scenario as far as our safety is still pretty bad.
That's that Trudeau and the Canadian government likes to fraternize with terrorists as kind of a fuck you to guys like you and me.
It's hard to not think that that's the way it is sometimes.
It feels that way.
Because it's so easy to just not do the things they're doing.
You know, like the frightened guys in court, they told Brock Blascuk that time, oh, you're asking for more than we're willing to give right now.
And it's like, oh, wait, you spent billions of dollars on things like abortions in Haiti and investments in India, and you just threw $10 million at women's rights in Ethiopia.
This has nothing to do with Canadians Or what's going on back here, man?
People are hurting here, and you're giving away more money than any government since 1870.
There's not enough money for veterans.
They just left $150 million on the table.
But they do things all the time, like you sent $140 million something to China for coal plants while shutting down our coal plants.
It's just, you know, it's like, are you trying to destroy the country?
Because that's what I would be doing.
You're doing a great job.
Yeah, it's like it's on purpose.
How do you control your rage?
I don't.
Your walls, your drywall must look like Swiss cheese.
There must be fist holes in every room in the house.
No comment.
You've got to get a drywall specialist just waiting outside with his little speckle bucket.
I'm getting really good at it replacing drywall.
All right, man.
Well, thanks for coming on the show.
I hope you know that us expats down here south of the border are just as mad as you.
Thanks a lot.
And if I become a political terrorist, please take me in.
I have nowhere else to go.
Political refugee.
Coming up.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Thanks, dude.
She want a dope boy or a rapper.
She got a dope boy and a rapper.
In my city, these bitches backwards.
They want a dope boy or a rapper.
Who would you rather have as a boyfriend?
Personally, a dope boy that is a rapper would be probably the best.
No, that's not the ultimatum.
A dope boy or a rapper?
I don't want to pick.
I want both.
Yeah, you're not a chick.
Girls always say that with ultimatums.
When men get ultimatums, they choose one.
God, I saw this show.
I talked about this, right?
Where the female host, it's a male and a female hosting some celebrity show, and she's 1% black, so she's their token black.
And they said, what would you rather do?
Have dinner with Albert Einstein or go surfing with Barack Obama?
And she goes, I'd rather go surfing with Michelle Obama.
And everyone's like, yay, that's not the game.
I'd rather go surfing with Sid Vicious.
That you didn't get asked that.
Right.
So again, that's what women do when they get ultimatums.
Would you rather be buried alive or drown?
Neither.
I think it's buried alive or head chopped off.
No, it's buried alive or drowned.
Drown easily.
Everybody picks drowned.
No, that's not true.
Who's been buried?
Who said buried alive that you know?
Who's been buried alive?
Nobody says buried alive.
Lots of people say buried alive.
You fixed your food after that.
I would like to get a...
Choose one.
I would get a rapper, but hopefully he would be a boy.
No, he's not going to be a good.
And he's dope.
He's not going to be a good rapper, so you're not going to make any money.
There's going to be no excitement there, just him working on his dumb rhymes and doing like a show a month.
A dope boy is going to have tons of money.
He's going to buy you tons of presents.
And then right when you're thinking this relationship isn't working out, he's going to get arrested and vanish.
No, that's what I don't want.
I'm a ride or die chick, and I want him to be around.
And I don't want to come home one day.
We're not talking about having a baby.
This is when you're young.
I might.
Oh, okay.
So this is a thoroughway relationship.
Yeah, give me the dope boy.
Take a dope boy.
You get free Coke?
Yeah.
You know, we were talking about Rush Limbaugh the other day, and they said that I said he did make fun of Michael J. Fox, and they go, yeah, but he kind of had it coming.
What do you mean?
Well, he would not take his medication before he did his commercials, so he was full spazzing out.
And a lot of people who have Parkinson's got it from doing too much Coke.
And we are seeing a lot of, like Billy Conley, we're seeing a lot of celebrities who were in the Coke world in the 80s shaking a lot.
Interesting.
Which, when I heard that, I went, oh, that's fucked up.
What a dick.
And then I thought very quickly, all the Coke I've done in my life flashed through my eyes, just like brick, brick, brick, brick, brick.
And I went, I'm getting Parkinson's.
Good to know.
Good to know.
Speaking of which, we left, we didn't cover a part of Debbie discussing the N-word.
Someone pointed out that, because I said it's curious hearing Canadians use that word, but she is explaining it on her show.
But yeah, speaking of like the hood and thing, you know, some certain people, they like, like, yo, Debbie's the N-word, Debbie used the, like that, like, talk to me about that.
See, I didn't go up with white people, though.
It's like, I go up with all black people my whole life.
And you have black ears, yeah.
And they don't come to me.
A lot of multiracial.
A lot of diversity.
I've never had a problem with that.
I don't care if it's black, yellow, purple, green.
You have black ears and yellow teeth and pink skin.
It's a whole different thing.
I agree.
And I feel like this.
Black people want people to stop saying it.
But if black people keep saying it, they're just making it look like it's okay for people to say out here.
You know what I mean?
I hear that.
You can tell that's an Indian guy.
Right?
I don't know why you can tell.
Oh, we're getting a call.
We have communique.
So let me just set up the.
You correctly did your job for once in your life?
Yes, we have a guest on, and you might recognize the person who I'm speaking of.
Okay.
Because we just showed a video.
Just answer the fucking Skype call.
Hello?
Who is there?
That's Ezra Levant?
You talk to him.
He's your guest.
Ezra, are you there?
Yes, Gavin.
How are you?
Oh, okay.
I like this sort of foo man chew mustache you got going on.
Yeah.
Well, let's get to business here.
I mean, Omar Catter, he's a vicious, basically a dog human.
And I just was trying to ask him a couple of questions.
My teeth are a little more jagged than normal.
I've been cutting my teeth.
Yeah, what the hell?
What have you been chewing?
Rocks?
Well, what the fuck is in your teeth?
What is that?
What are those things?
One's a little crooked, but the rest of them are fine.
Listen, they look like a white picket fence upside down.
Omar Catter is a bad man.
They look like someone broke a light bulb in your mouth.
This is my Steve Bouchevi impression.
I thought your wife was a dentist, Ezra.
Yeah, well, I don't, you know, don't shit where you eat.
you look like you've been eating frozen shit or concrete.
Well, let me put it to you this way, Gavin.
Now, Omar Katter's been on the loose like a rabid animal, and you know, I'm fine with him being unleashed, but why is he at a plane with me?
And then I was getting battered in an assault.
I'm sorry, Ezra, we're gonna have to continue this interview another time.
Your teeth are way too distracting.
Wait, what do you think about this?
It's cold.
Yeah, bye.
Okay.
That was weird.
Well, I gotta hand it to you.
You did get him.
And get good at it, if you will.
And you were good at getting Ezra on the line, if you will.
He didn't deliver.
That's his fault.
I've never noticed his fucking teeth.
He was so disgusting.
He's going through some hardships, perhaps.
Okay, I've got some other stuff planned.
You don't think his teeth were that bad, though, right?
They were fucking weird.
They look like curtains.
Like they went, I, They look like they were cut out with those kindergarten scissors that are serrated.
They have the lines in it.
I didn't realize that his teeth were so fucking disgusting.
I mean, he looks like he could just bite through a football.
He has a career.
Why doesn't he have dental included?
Now, that's something, you know.
No, but why would his family let his teeth get to that point?
I mean, I had teeth removed and braces and stuff when I was younger.
Oh, teeth removed, yeah, yeah.
Because my parents cared.
My kid just finished his braces.
Like, Ezra's parents clearly never loved him.
Maybe he said he didn't want braces and they listened to him, and that's a lesson that he's learned.
Yeah, that's important to listen to your kids when you're talking about dental care.
It is a disaster.
All right, I saw this article that David Brooks wrote, and it's called the War on the Family.
It's called The Death of the Nuclear Family, and how stupid the nuclear family is.
Oh.
Now, the weird thing about it is they use a picture of a black kid as the visual, and they show two black parents, which black Americans are not really famous for the nuclear family.
I mean, they definitely had a very good divorce rate back in the 60s before we drowned the moms with welfare.
But when you think in the nuclear family, you don't really think about a black family.
It's a very different history.
They were struggling through civil rights back then.
You think of a white family, but they have to be politically correct.
So in order to appease everyone, they end up obfuscating what they're trying to say, and it becomes confusing.
But anyway, David Brooks is trying to say that divorce is perfectly natural and a wonderful thing to do.
Okay, let's check out the article.
A detached nuclear family is an intense set of relationships among, say, four people.
My family's five.
If one relationship breaks, there are no shock absorbers.
What do you mean, one relationship, like me and my daughter?
He means the parents, I guess.
In a nuclear family, the end of marriage means the end of the family as it was previously understood.
Yeah, that's the deal.
That's why it's great, because it's so important.
If you have the greatest quarterback of all, quarterback Tom Brady, severely destroys his knee in an accident, that's him over and millions of dollars down the drain.
That's why it's such a tragedy if that great quarterback who was improving the world and selling all those tickets and making everyone so happy.
That's why it's such a catastrophe if he were to break his knee and fuck up his leg.
And it would be even more catastrophic if he did that on purpose.
So that's why you don't have sports stars risking their lives doing horse jumping or that sort of cliff jumping thing where you're a flying squirrel before you release your parachute.
Because they don't want to jeopardize their career because they know they're important.
So that's why, say, you wouldn't have an affair with, say, one of your research interns.
The second great strength of extended families is their socializing force.
Multiple adults teach children right from wrong, how to behave towards others, how to be kind.
Over the course of the 18th and 19th centuries, industrialization and cultural change began to threaten traditional ways of life.
Many people in Britain and the United States doubled down on the extended family in order to create a moral haven in a heartless world.
According to Ruggles, the prevalence of extended families living together roughly doubled from 1750 to 1900, and this way of life was more common than at any time before or since.
So, according to David Brooks, the beauty of divorce is you now have two dads and two moms, a multitude of adults teaching you how, well, the difference between right or wrong.
No, you don't have two dads.
You have two half-dads that sort of compromise a dad.
So you have one dad this week, and then the next weekend you go to your biological dad, and then the next summer you go to this dad, and the next, and you're never really establishing a solid relationship.
It's back and forth, back and forth.
Plus, when the dad gets the boys and the girls, he wants them to be happy.
So he spoils them, and they don't have that same bond.
They don't have that same discipline.
And that's assuming that both sides get remarried.
You often have this scenario where it's a single mom raising the kids and then the dad with his new wife.
Then he has new kids.
Then the kids come over and they see their stepsiblings and they're depressed.
And this mom resents them because the kids represent his old life.
Ugh.
And by the way, when they're with her, they don't have a dad at all.
So who is David Brooks?
Go back to that tweet.
I like the reaction to it.
I was very happy that he got called out so quickly.
What are you doing?
Let's take a look at him first.
No, you don't do that.
You click on the fucking tweet.
You made your wife convert to Judaism.
This is true.
And change her name before divorcing her to marry your millennial research assistant, LOL.
And someone says feminism destroyed the American family.
Disney movies, blah, blah, blah.
Keep going down.
Media, there's all these different culprits saying that the.
And these are all people, by the way, who grew up without the nuclear family saying, I miss it.
I wish I had it.
Sounds like bullshit.
I think they have a picture of him and his wife.
Keep going?
No, keep going.
Yeah, there we go.
That's disgusting old decrepit.
Ezra toothed David Brooks and his 20-something or maybe early 30s research assistant that he turfed his wife for.
And he's here to tell you how awesome divorce is.
Look, you can lie to yourself, David Brooks, but don't fucking impose your bullshit on us and pretend there's some sort of philosophical moral basis behind it.
Ugh.
Look at that.
What a fucking pig.
Wayne.
What?
What the hell?
Let's get some context.
Amen, brother.
We could save America if we shifted the family unit to the old guy, second young wife and her lover model.
Whoa.
Oh, what a pig.
That guy's having a great time.
Yeah.
See, it's moral.
He's there to tell us about morality.
Anyway, it sort of got me in a K-hole about children in peril because you'll notice whenever these people discuss these things, you can tell that their real concern is themselves and not the children.
So they lie and they say, oh, children get more support.
This is what it's like to be a child of divorce.
You're in a fucking hole.
You're stuck deep down in a hole.
And no one can figure out how no one can get you out.
Sometimes the only person that can get you out is one of your siblings, your brother.
So your brother gets down there.
He puts on a light and he reaches down to the bunk below and says, hey, buddy, are you okay?
Look, I know dad's not around anymore, but I'm here to help you up.
And then we get the boy back.
They eventually recover from divorce.
They find a new life.
They might have a stepdad.
And everyone thanks the sibling for saving the day.
Of course, there are other times when the kids are almost completely lost.
And we worry that they'll never recover.
So some divorces are worse than others.
And some recoveries are slower than others.
You're going along in a marriage.
Things are going pretty good.
You trust everyone.
You feel safe.
And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you didn't know about the affair.
You didn't know about the research assistant.
You didn't know about the slut lesbian bisexual with the model lover who was sucking your dad's dick.
And then your whole world gets rocked and you literally go off a cliff.
Don't worry, everyone's okay.
I wouldn't be showing this if kids died.
What is those particles?
I guess.
No, what are you doing?
Why would you go away from that?
Can you zoom out?
We can't see the bus driver.
He stays in there for the longest time and he grabs his phone.
I've been noticing this in moments of chaos.
People are grabbing their phones.
It's like grabbing your teddy bear.
Like, remember that guy on the plane when that woman behind him was freaking out?
He kept grabbing his phone?
Or I see people who are being told by air marshals to get off the plane and they keep looking at their phone.
I saw a guy today.
He was in a tornado in his car and he grabbed his phone.
What are you going to do?
Call the cops?
We'll be right there, sir.
So this guy, turn up.
The audio, I think, has a high-pitched frequency.
It might be unbearable.
Yeah.
So he's telling everyone to get out the bus.
And then another adult has to come in and go, hey, old-timer, turn off the fucking engine.
By the way, are you confident that he did everything he could to not flip the bus?
Like, he seemed to sort of give up and go right through that barrier.
I feel like he could have steadied the ship a bit after getting hit.
I mean, if you were trying to avoid damage to the bus, I'm afraid that ship, you sailed into a much bigger problem at Titanic.
Anyway, he gets out.
So those kids are all okay, and they survive the divorce.
But there's times when the mom fucks up, she gets, does drugs, she loses custody, she never sees her kid again.
And I've seen it happen.
I've never actually seen it happen to a woman.
I'm trying to segue to my next thing.
But I have seen a lot of men lose custody.
There's this one guy I know.
I'll try not to give too many details, but he lost his, he fucked up a few times as far as play dates and shit when he was supposed to meet his son.
And eventually he signed some papers that his ex-wife gave him.
And he was just trying to appease her, but he didn't really realize he was signing away the rights to ever see his son again.
Then the stepfather adopted him.
He never saw his fucking son again.
They've been together for six or seven years.
That's Johnny's age.
I would never see Johnny again.
It's almost like your kid died.
Now, I'm about to show you something, speaking of dead kids.
Before I show you porn or some decapitated person, I say warning, warning, look away, look away.
This is worse than that.
So if you want to scroll forward, I would highly recommend it.
Japan has created an AI where the mothers of dead children can see their children again.
This is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
And we're about to show it to you.
So skip ahead if you don't have an iron stomach and a steel chin.
*sad*
I wonder if there's sensors on her hands where she feels hair and stuff.
Or pressure, at least.
There must be, right?
Or she wouldn't have gloves on.
Maybe, yeah, yeah, yeah.
God.
I'm good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck, that's intense.
Wow.
Okay, that's enough for that.
Allergies getting bad.
Do they show her after?
What's this?
What did you think of that?
Oh, my God, it keeps going.
Oh, my God.
This is hell.
This is Beyond Black Mirror.
Oh, my God.
That is very dark.
Are they going to show her at the end?
Oh, my God.
This is the spookiest thing I've ever fucking seen.
Can we just see her take her mask off?
Do they show that?
I don't think.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Flies away Yeah Jesus.
Well, you know, the difference between that and your relationship is your dad doesn't care.
I don't want to put that headset.
He actually lives in New York.
I could call him if I'm missing him.
Or if he is dead, I wouldn't care.
It would not be so crazy.
I think he is.
If he passed away, there's nothing wrong with that.
Nothing wrong with that.
He comes in here pretty often, too, so it's like...
Speaking of which, let's check out the mailbag.
That, though.
What?
We're talking about your dad.
Right.
Oh, so this.
Okay.
Right, shut up.
You don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes together.
Let me touch it.
By the way, anyone who thinks the nuclear family isn't important and kids are just as happy with their grandparents and their uncles being raised by a mishmash of misfit toys might want to check out Ryan's teeth.
This is from The Rock.
Rocco.
The Rock.
Disney level hottie Instagram model.
What's going on, fellas?
I have a girl from Gavin to Pursue.
Stefania Ferrario.
At Free Speech, right?
Not at Sauce.
Okay.
I got the model.
Stefania Model.
And that's Stefan Ferrari.
Oh, I've been sent her a few times.
I think she's Australian.
Yeah, my problem, I love her build.
She's the perfect amount of fat.
Again, ladies, we don't want you to be anorexic.
We just don't want you to be morbidly obese.
Like, look at her.
She's fine.
We love her big fat ass.
But I don't like the short hair.
Whoa!
I like calves.
Aren't calves nice when they're bum-sized?
Ooh, she looks like a Barbie doll.
Yeah, that is a fucking looker, my friend.
It looks like those Rosie the Riveter type that like the exaggerated.
Imagine she grew her hair halfway down her back.
How much hotter she'd be?
Maybe she's got long hair somewhere.
Oh, no, no, it's all far.
Look at that.
Fucking.
It's fucking.
She's like a fucking whoa.
Do that one with the high-heeled shoes where she's pulling her skirt up with the lamp.
Oh.
Yeah, the one with her.
Wow.
That is something else.
But imagine just picture long black hair.
If she was a brunette.
That would be so much better.
Photoshop it.
Oh, look, she's a brunette right here with long hair.
See?
See what I'm screaming?
I'm always right.
Thank you for that.
What is Disney level?
Oh, I see.
Because she looks sort of like Bambi in some shots.
Tony Roo.
Oh, we don't say last names.
Hey, what the hell is wrong with Facebook?
I clicked the image thinking I would see a horrific scene.
Nope, just pro-America content.
Apparently, the American flag is violent of graphic or graphic.
Look at that.
Florida for Warriors.
And then he clicks on it, and it's...
Yeah, there's two images.
Here's the second one.
Did you show the other one?
That's what he was banned from seeing.
This is why you don't step on the flag.
This is why you stand for the national anthem.
This is why we don't erase history.
You're not a black, white, yellow, or brown.
You're an American.
Start acting like it.
Don't show me that.
Anthony got his Gavin and Lil Ryan shirt today, wore to the new NH primary.
Loved it.
I don't care.
That's the guy that sent the meme book.
Yep.
He said Max will get it Saturday.
Cool.
So showthejusticeforliberty.com.
What's that at now?
Let's see.
I hope it's at 10,000.
I haven't checked it.
Oh, wow.
Ooh.
Almost.
97.27.
So John's appeal has already gone in.
They said, fuck no.
Max's appeal started.
He asked for bail while they go through the appeal.
They said, fuck no.
Really?
And we need more money, and this is coming at the perfect time just to stave off the lions.
So, yeah, justiceforliberty.com.
You know what we should do?
At the end of every show, Ryan, you put up Trigger Tommy's jail thing, John Kinsman's, Max Hare's, and then Justice for Liberty.
Okay?
Yep, writing it down right now.
This is from Max.
Oh, good.
This is right on brand.
Dumb bitch doesn't like playing with her kids.
Hey, guys, love what you're doing.
I recently stumbled across an article that I think you might find interesting.
It's called, Here's Why I Don't Play With My Kids, and That's Okay.
You'll notice everything's okay that they do.
That's okay.
It's by this single mom, possibly a ball, boomer-angry woman liberal, that hates playing with her kids.
Yeah, I know.
The lengths this broad goes to justifying not bonding with her own children is unbelievable.
Like you more than a friend.
She knows I don't play with my kids by Cheyenne Bell.
I want to see what Cheyenne Bell looks like.
Because the picture they use is an Asian woman, but Cheyenne Bell appears to be a black woman.
Is that her?
No.
I found a Cheyenne Bell who's So this sort of goes back to that other one where they showed the black nuclear family.
Now they have a negligent mom, and they show Asians.
Meanwhile, it's written by a black woman.
So she doesn't play with her kids.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Does she go by CD Bell?
I don't know.
How the fuck would I know?
Why would you ask me that?
Because while you were looking, did you see anything?
Okay, no.
It's possible.
No, she's too old to have kids.
One, I want to foster their creativity.
Sure, you know the way you do that?
You start working with something on, you play Lego with them for an hour.
Now that inspires them to play for three hours, you know, over the course of a few days.
But you have to get them into the zone.
You have to show them what Lego is and how you can make a plane and shit.
I want them to learn how to entertain themselves.
That's the same as one, you fucking idiot.
Number three, my job is to provide and protect.
I'm a single mom of two young kids.
My job is to provide for my and protect my children.
That includes working.
This means I have very little time to play.
Even when I was a stay-at-home mom and did not need to worry about an income, my job was not to play with kids.
My job was to take care of them.
But also the house, the bills, the grocery shopping and cleaning and my husband.
Managing.
You lazy fucking bitch.
Okay, here's a, this is brutal.
Number four, it stresses me out.
I'm going to be really honest with you.
I'm really terrible when it comes to pretend play.
I always have been.
As a child, I rarely played house or with dolls.
So do other shit.
Play Uno.
As a teen, I took drama all through high school and hated every minute because I was a terrible actress.
So playing pretend anything, that pretend playing pretend anything is like 2% of playing with your kids.
Every time I've tried to find myself stressed, blah, blah, blah.
And now number five, our culture has it wrong.
That's your headline, bitch.
It's unfair to moms.
I've never understood why American moms believe that we should spend all kinds of time entertaining our children.
This was never how it was meant to be.
How about that it's fun?
I want to see this Cheyenne Bell.
We don't give a damn.
Oh, they have her Instagram?
The baby ch- That's the baby chick.
Facebook?
She's written one article.
This is her whole article.
Shane is an attorney, writer, speaker, and blogger with a slight obsession of her home decor.
Shane's blog's Sense and Serendipity.
Okay, let's look this up.
So she has time for a blog.
But she doesn't have time.
Hi, my name is Divine.
No?
There's more than one Sense and Serendipity thing.
There she goes.
Serendipity blog.
Oh, she's white.
Yeah.
Hey, y'all.
Welcome.
Look at me.
Here's some recipes.
Here's how I like to make a bed.
About me.
Sense and serendipity blog.
There's nothing serendipitous about a long, nonsensical handle.
Sorry, bitch.
Wow, you really nailed her.
Yep.
Parenthood.
I actually hope she doesn't hear that because I don't want to crush her.
Oh my God.
Adoption Awareness Month.
Are children's burdens or blessings?
What a fucking bitch.
Did you know a femmeur is a thing?
What's that?
It's probably a female entrepreneur.
Okay, this is from a guy named Max.
Hey guys, I recently got dumped by my girl who I saw a long and happy future with.
I'm still very much in love with her and everything, and I do, I don't look reminds me of her.
How do I either get over faster or try to win her back?
Like you're more than a friend.
Great last letter.
If you were going to get her back, the only way that's going to happen is if you don't try to get her back.
Making her mixtapes, being in her life, saying, okay, just one last thing before I leave you alone.
I felt like at Thanksgiving, your parents really liked me.
Don't.
Stop it.
It makes you look pathetic.
The second a girl says she kissed someone or she needs a break or any kind of indication like that, you get up and walk out of the room.
And then you don't answer your phone.
That's it.
The worst thing you can do is go, but please, or hey, what if we only saw each other once?
Now fucking shut up with that.
No negotiation, okay?
The second that she comes up with some sort of dumping thing, including dumping you, get the fuck out of here, don't answer.
Don't speak to her for at least two months.
And she will realize that she made a mistake.
The worst thing you could do is appease her.
If she calls you crying, I don't know what I've done.
Let her suffer for two months.
If she goes around fucking everyone, well, then you were blessed because she was about to cheat on you.
You turn her up.
But the most important thing you can do now that you're a single man and you're going to wait at least two months to check in on her is fuck fives.
Fuck as many fives as you can.
Big fat pigs, girls with short hair, girls missing an arm.
You want to get back in the swing, get your momentum going again, remember who you are.
And being good at it, if you will.
Realize that she's not the only sexual outlet for your life anymore.
Fuck at least five fives.
25.
Five times five.
And then in two months, maybe send her a meme.
Make sure you don't get seen fucking fives.
Meet them like outside.
Say, my girlfriend and I are just breaking up and she's acting kind of crazy.
I'll meet you outside and we'll get the Uber.
Because if she sees me leave with you, she'll go ballistic.
You might even attack you.
Right.
But if you're with an eight, just be like, oh, hi, everyone.
I guess me and my new girlfriend that's an eight will sit over there.
Right, honey?
So she'll hear about that and that'll make her crazy.
But yeah, in two months, send her a meme.
If she doesn't respond to the meme, don't do anything.
If she sends you 5 million memes and says, let's meet, be like, I can't then.
Maybe then.
That's the only way you're going to get back in.
I'm not sure why you're trying to get back in.
As my friend Pat Bannister said in Ottawa after Rosanna Saracino dumped me, he held me by my jacket and said, It's over.
It's over.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
It Just run through a motherfucker's face.
Over and over and over and over.
Run through a motherfucker's face.
And as he was saying that, each it's over was a knife in my chest.
It was like getting hit with a baseball bat.
And that's how many it took.
And it was fucking over.
And I'm glad it was.
Oh, righty that.
Oh, great.
You have a Jim Carrey on your soundboard.
Yes.
That's like saying you have a pube in your soup.
I no longer have soup if that's the case, because I'm not eating.
All right, let's end it with a funny video.
We didn't.
Did we talk about Jim?
Oh, shit.
We didn't talk about Jim.
Isn't that an Eminem song?
Y'all didn't talk about Jim.
And you come in please when you do with a bad D and you do with a B. I don't.
You didn't talk about dude.
It went down with a D. You know that rap song?
Anyway, I fucking hate Jim Carrey.
I meant to get to this before the mailbag, but let's get into how much Jim Carrey sucks.
I meant to get to this before the mailbag, but let's get into how much Jim Carrey sucks.
Yeah.
Jim Carrey is a fucking douche.
He's a wiener.
He's a murderer.
He ruins people's lives.
He makes working with him a living hell.
Jim Carrey is an asshole.
Fuck, I hate this guy.
Let's start at the beginning when he murdered his girlfriend.
He was with a woman who has the weirdest name I've ever seen, Catheriona.
Catheriona White.
And he gave her herpes, lied to her, said, I don't know where you got those, you fucking slut.
What are you doing?
Very abusive guy.
She lived in perpetual fear, but he strung her along for years and years, fucking other people.
I'm probably going to marry you one day.
And then, nah, get lost, twat.
So she fucking ended her life.
This is how you know someone's a piece of shit, when someone commits suicide after being with him.
Secondly, he's, to work with him, he's a fucking scene hog douchebag nightmare.
Like Lemony Snicket is a good example of this.
I know some people that worked on that film.
And he would take, it was two little kids, right?
Well, a baby, two kids and a baby.
He would see that they had good lines, so he would steal their lines.
So he'd have the setup.
The kid would get the punchline, and then he'd go, no, no, no, I'm taking the punchline.
So that poor girl right there, he did a scene with her that took 80 takes.
That's all day.
She's sitting there being yelled at by Jim Carrey as she steals his line.
There was some funny blond chick with big lips that said, working with Jim Carrey is like getting raped all day and then having to say thank you at the end.
You know what he did to that other boy?
This was one of the most big budget films ever made.
It lost a fucking fortune, hundreds of millions.
But they had a whole set.
They built a lake.
They did all kinds of stuff.
And they had an on-set group that would build cool shit.
And they built a bike for the boy.
And it had like firecrackers on the sides and fucking lights and made sounds.
It was like a Peewee's Playhouse kind of super rocket, awesome bike, badass digital readouts and shit, which for an 11-year-old is fucking heaven on earth.
So he doesn't really, Jim Carrey doesn't talk to anyone, especially those kids.
But he sees the boy and the boy goes, hey, did you see that bike they made me?
And Jim Carrey looks at it and he goes, come here.
Come here.
Oh, look, he has to have all the roles, too.
That's another sign of a fucking douche, where they have to be every character.
That's what they were making fun of in the movie Tropic Thunder.
Anyway, he says, come here, kid.
Takes me to his BMW, custom-made BMW, gets in.
Hello, Jim.
The console says.
Shows him the stereo, opens a trunk, shows him the speakers.
He goes, now that's a fucking vehicle.
Close it and drives away.
Ha ha, 11-year-old.
My $200,000 car is better than your bicycle.
What a fucking cunt he is.
And I was reminded of this when I saw him appear on Colbert, where he decided to come out with a New Orleans fucking jazz bam.
Ba-ba-da-ba-ba-da-da!
Folks, my first guest tonight is the star of Sonic the Hedgehog and Showtime's Kidding, and now the co-author of the forthcoming novel Memoirs and Misinformation.
Oh, I have another thing to say about him.
I didn't send you the link for this, Ryan, but remember there was a thing, a movie that came out about when he played Andy Kaufman, and it was like the making of the Andy Kaufman movie.
And the subtext was, he got so into character that he became a complete asshole and nightmare to work with.
And it was just Incredible how good he was at being a piece of shit.
Yeah, because he's a piece of shit.
He was not acting.
Look at him.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Jim Carrey, and how are you this evening?
Alrighty, then.
Finding out you have something special in it gets a reaction.
You mean funny faces?
I got attention and love.
I watched the stars fall silent from me.
Andy Kaufman came in to turn reality on its head.
Andy Kaufman, one of the most wonderful people ever.
Andy Kaufman cared less about making his audience laugh than keeping them confused.
Keep in my mind.
When I heard I had the part, I was looking at the ocean, and that's the moment when Andy came back to make his movie.
Hello.
What happened after was out of my control.
You see what's going on here?
Out of my control.
Andy subsumed my personality.
He possessed me.
I became Andy.
No, Andy Kaufman wasn't a dick.
He wasn't an asshole.
Play it, sorry.
And this crazy melodrama started happening all over the place.
Jimmy said they came down hard.
Who's they?
Universal didn't want the footage we took behind the scenes to surface so that people wouldn't think I was an asshole.
Andy, help him.
Give me a chance to make a movie.
I don't need to make a movie.
I don't need to make a movie.
I was thinking, how far should I take this?
That's not what Andy Kaufman was about.
He wasn't a nightmare drunk who everyone hated.
This is a made-up phenomenon.
Hey, you know how Andy Kaufman was a fucking dick that everyone hated?
No?
Well, that's why I was a fucking dick on the site.
I was becoming him on the set, sorry.
No?
So you step through the door not knowing what's on the other side.
Look, and then he plays it down like he's a victim of this possession.
I was just along for the ride.
I couldn't believe it.
I know him as well as I can know him.
But who do you know?
even when they're right in front of you.
*Groans*
He's like every solipsistic awards speech crammed into one annoying fucking face.
Yeah.
The producers didn't want people to find out you're a fucking asshole.
They didn't want people to think you're an asshole.
They didn't want people to know you're an asshole.
Oh, this one was a beaut.
Remember?
What's it?
Emma Woods?
Emma Stone.
This one is so...
Because it's like watching someone in outer space.
It's interplanetary cringe.
If I were a lot younger, I would marry you.
She wouldn't be available for you.
Chubby little freckle-faced kids.
We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire.
Ghost stories by the fire?
No one does that.
Sex.
They did that in the 50s in Boy Scouts.
Couples don't tell ghost stories by fires.
And every day.
Just pause.
You know that Truman show movie?
That's what he is.
Like, he's talking like a TV show.
He thinks that young couples, when they're dating, tell ghost stories by the fire.
That only exists in television.
And even then, it's only in the 50s, you fucking tard.
Thank God that I was the appropriate age for you.
He's just a victim of love.
I'm not hitting on you, by the way.
I'm too old.
I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard.
And it takes me a lot longer to pee than it used to.
These are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.
I think you're pretty special.
Why?
Why do you want Emma Stone to know how you felt?
You're as shitty as that clown we had on the other day who thinks Emma Stone is coming to him in hallucinations in order to convey the second coming of Christ.
And no, I'm not exaggerating.
That's how bad you are, my friend.
Did he just end that with, I love you?
Oh, we got to see that.
That's all.
Wait, wait.
He has spit in his mouth.
He has spit in his fucking mouth.
Emma Stone, that's how wet Emma Stone's pussy is watching this.
Look at it.
He's got strands of fucking disgusting shit in his mouth.
Anyway, believe it or not, that's not the worst.
worst is, ladies and gentlemen, it's me!
Yes, it's Jim Carrey.
Okay, I feel like here he's thinking, this is retarded.
What have I done?
Look, he can't get the confetti out.
Oh, there it is.
Finally, I got it out.
Jake, pause.
Am I nuts?
Or do you get the feeling that right here he's sort of going, wait a minute, this is a huge mistake that I'm coming across as a total megalomaniac douche.
I thought this would just be a fun thing, but it's like, Jim, it's the gym show.
Now I'm embarrassed.
I should have just walked out and sat down and pretended I was a normal human being.
Like the conceit here is that they are all fucking thrilled to see him, so he might as well exaggerate it.
Like if it was Jesus or someone or Andy Kaufman, we thought he was dead for all these years and he's back.
Wouldn't this be a great, this would be a very suitable entrance for someone we were all convinced had been dead for the past 30 years.
Not some guy we just saw yesterday crying and spitting out, I thought you am a water.
Emma Stone.
Hey, you guys get chips too.
What is your character?
Are you playing Jim Carrey?
Or you're Mr. Nolins?
You're Mr. Jambalaya Shrimp?
Are you from the Bayou?
What are you saying to us?
Oh, look how excited we are to see Jim Carey.
Like, what a waste of fucking time.
They only have, you know, five minutes with a guest.
This is now, what, I gotta reschedule my whole show now?
Can we cut to a commercial during this shit?
Hey.
Those fucking sycophants are clapping sincerely, unfortunately.
Hey, hey, whoa!
Is it even Mardi Gras right now?
When this happened?
Like, okay, here's another thing.
Here's another conceivable way that that would be reasonable.
I would accept this if there had been a shooting at Mardi Gras and they were going to cancel Mardi Gras that year in Memoriam and the locals were against it.
They said, we have to move on.
We have to keep fighting.
And then, like, two days before Mardi Gras, he comes out saying, they'll never get us down.
We'll keep fighting.
We're not going to live in fear.
So, being dead for 20 years or a mass shooting would justify this.
Being a fucking asshole doesn't justify it.
This is ridiculous.
But it's about to get worse because he's about to open his mouth and we're about to see his fucking personality.
Oh, perfect timing.
Look at his stupid boots.
God, I hate his guts.
He's from my hometown of Ottawa.
I could have killed him in his grave when I was a baby.
Can you hear that?
He really is the Truman Show.
He has no human personality.
He's just a compilation of movies and TV shows and characters.
He's not a person.
He's an asshole.
I'd rather see anyone in that band sit down.
Wow.
Oh, my goodness.
Jean-Baptiste.
And the Stephen Colbert.
Second Punchline Dancers.
Yes.
Oh.
Wow.
This is so lovely to have you here.
So good to be here, friendly.
Oh, my God.
So wonderful to be here.
I love you so much, and you've done such an incredible job.
And your heart and your head are so beautifully involved with all that's going on.
And I respect it, and I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
That means the world to me.
Do you think you're the fucking Messiah?
Why are you blessing people?
Did he just cure Stephen Colbert of his brain tumor?
The fuck are you doing?
Are you going to turn some water into wine now, douchebag?
It means a world to me to hear that from you.
Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
That is beyond anything that we rehearsed.
Thank you very much.
No, it is not.
It is kind of outside, but it's important to me that I say that.
How do you feel?
This reminds me of Matthew McConaughey, too, in his Instagram, where he goes, I want to have a dialogue, but I'm not.
I'm not wanting to have a monologue, but I guess we've got to have a dialogue to have the monologue.
I'm not just so sure I'm ready to do that yet.
Ready to be me, ready to show y'all what I'm about, and I want to learn what you're about, too, at the same time.
So here we go on this journey.
It's that kind of megalomania where you've never had checks and balances.
And maybe being in New York, we get told to fuck off every 20 minutes.
You're kept very grounded.
But Jesus Lord, this guy is off at a tangent.
Nobody likes you, Jim.
You see the world right now?
Do you feel I feel some dread sometimes, and then I come out here and I feel better with these people to share.
I think, you know, this is the thing that provides the balance, isn't it?
You know?
Being with the people?
Yeah, exactly.
It gives us a break from these preppers.
I got depressed, and then I go into a room of ass liquors and I feel pretty good about myself.
Flatulence.
That is.
Wait, go back, go back.
He used a big word that I guarantee he's never used before or after.
Bag of is the thing that provides the balance, isn't it?
You know?
I mean, people.
Yeah, exactly.
It gives us a break from the obstreperous, bloviating bag of flatulence.
Jim Carry says obstreperous all the time.
Is trying to take the shiny city on the hill and turn it into a Dutch oven.
We don't have to pull the covers over our head and breathe deeply the ambrosia of evil.
I think we can just come here and have a good time.
Look at them clapping.
I don't know if I can take much more of this.
Did you ever see the masks of comedy and tragedy?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
You've seen that?
Yeah, yeah.
It's more like guns.
It's like that.
You get the face wrong.
I'll do the face.
kind of the face guy.
That's not how the guy smiles.
Actually, the t-shirt.
That's nice.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Can we see that again?
That's nice.
That's nice.
Yeah.
The real truth of it is that both those masks are tragedy.
Oh.
And this one is just in total denial.
Oh, really?
So that's enough.
I can't take that anymore.
We're all in total denial.
The fact that we like Trump means that we're fucking idiots, retard losers who don't know that Jim Carrey is the one we should be following because he is the Messiah.
No, Jim, you're not the Messiah.
You're an asshole.
All right.
You recording me?
We're way over time here.
Yes, too much covered.
Too much stuff.
Too busy of a show.
But we've had some intense pessimism in this show.
We said that not only is Canada over and flushed down the toilet, but we are on the precipice, on the cliff edge, heading the same way if we let these radical lefties win.
Then we talked about the death of the family.
We showed a bunch of children being jeopardized.
We showed Jim Carrey and his dead girlfriend.
We showed David Brooks and his divorced, dumped wife and his dumb slut girlfriend.
Ezra's gross teeth.
We saw Ezra's gross teeth.
So you could feel kind of bad about that, but we like to take things from a comical angle and enjoy the absurdity of them, hence focusing on Debbie so much.
And I think what I want you to take away from today's show is there's two ways of going through life.
And you can either be optimistic and see the fun in everything and see how it's a joke, or you can just focus on the negative and bask in that negativity and suffer.
We're of the former group.
And if you aren't sure whether to join the optimists or the pessimists, well, we have a video that should help you decide.
Music playing a grief ritual for the state of our planet Hey, boy.
Here you go.
How funny would it be if someone just threw a doggy treat on that yellow blanket?
There you go, boy.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
and never stop fighting.
*music*
And my clothes are all red like Santa.
Say I'm young beans, but it's really uncasper.
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