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Jan. 13, 2020 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:22:54
S02E110 - THE DICTATOR [2020-01-13 - S02E110 - THE DICTATOR]
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That song is The Dictator from the album Cut the Crap by The Clash, which is an album I love that everyone fucking hates.
And it's an interesting album because what's his name?
Mick I'm drawing a blank here.
Mick Jones was after London calling.
He's getting into rap was getting big and they just come to New York for some sold-out shows.
Aesthetically, that's my favorite New York is the clash coming to New York.
In fact, we use footage of it in the intro.
I don't want to live there in the 80s.
I don't want to get raped and mugged, but I love the look of the clash.
That's why we have a beatbox, a ghetto blaster, a portable stereo, because that's sort of that era.
Aesthetically, it's a great time.
You don't want to be there that whole time.
It fucking sucked.
So anyway, after Mick Jones came to New York and he started seeing rap, then he said, let's incorporate some of this stuff into the clash.
And Bernie Rhodes, back then, your manager was the dictator.
In fact, I think that song's about Bernie Rhodes.
And he decides what I say goes, as the song says.
So your manager would like have you fire the bassist and hire this other guy and put out a disco album.
He was your boss.
I don't know why they wouldn't just tell him to fuck off.
What a bunch of pussies.
And so Bernie was kind of freaked out by Mick's interest in digital stuff.
So he said, get rid of Mick Jones, which is like getting rid of Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony.
I mean, he was 50% of the writing team.
And so Joe Strummer, the biggest regret of his life, I think he went to his grave regretting this, booted out Mick Jones.
And so Mick Jones made Big Audio Dynamite, which has tons of samples and rap and digital effects.
But here's the weirdest part.
So Cut the Crap comes out without Mick Jones, who was fired for using too many samples.
And Cut the Crap is littered with samples.
you want to play some of that the only important thing these days is rhythm The songs don't really have any structure with Big Audio Dynamite.
One of all my friends, you've been the best to me.
This could have been the clash.
But Bernie had to get involved.
Anyway, that song, The Dictator, you can hear a good song in it, but he's got like Costa Rican radio and fucking Venezuelan fights and then static and a TV all in the same song.
It's a cacophony.
Can you even hear it?
Listen.
Hey, hey, hey.
Yes, I am the dictator.
Can you hear like Russian news?
Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing, Bernie?
You ruined the clash.
You ruined possibly the greatest band of all time.
What a cum rag.
Speaking of cum rags, I want to go off on an anti-femite tangent.
Now, when I rail against women, I want you to know I'm not railing against women.
I'm railing against what feminism has done to women.
Like the way they want to tell you what to say in Grand Central and the way they refuse to get off the plane and they tell someone they're going to fire them and they become cops and they try to get involved.
Remember that video we played of the guy woman who shot a guy in his own home and he was a shoplifter.
He had stolen a DVD.
Now we're shooting people who steal DVDs.
Nice work, female cops.
Actually, this isn't in the notes, but I just sent you a video.
What are you looking at acoustic guitars for?
Oh, it's for something else, for like an intro to something.
Okay, better be work-related.
Oh, yeah, dude.
What are you doing now?
It's not in today's notes.
I just sent it.
Okay, so this, I think, must be Russia, where affirmative action is all the action.
And they got some female cop to bust some gypsy who's selling shit on the street.
Look at her.
That's my mom.
Look at that cop.
And then that gypsy has been fighting her whole life.
So you better be...
She's probably got a solid right.
So then the woman starts taking her stuff.
She's going to get beaten by her husband, by the way.
Watch this, punch.
Wham.
Look at her.
She's crying.
Oh, no.
Sorry to laugh.
But Jesus age Christ.
Anyway, I want to get into that.
But before we do, wham.
It wasn't even a hard punch.
It looked like she's just jello.
You notice I got a haircut, by the way.
Yeah, yeah.
That's also in the news.
Of course I noticed.
I was going to go Grizzly Adams, and I just thought, this isn't me.
I didn't feel me.
I'm a relatively ugly guy who's abrasive.
I can't afford to look disheveled.
I have to look neat so people can go, oh, I guess someone likes him.
You know what I mean?
Like you have to, if you're a weirdo, you have to be clean cut or people think you're Bigfoot from Howard Stern.
It is.
Do you know who that is?
No.
He's a whackpacker, one of my favorites.
He'll occasionally blow his postman for $100.
Really?
This is how nuts he is, okay?
This is Bigfoot.
He goes, I was getting attacked by liquid insulation, it is.
He ends all sentences with, it is.
And the police came.
And then Sawardster goes, wait, you attacked?
What did you do when the police came?
Well, I tried to scare him, it is.
What did you do?
He tried to stab a cop with a samurai sword.
He stuck the sword through the door.
So the cop just sees this samurai sword come out.
And the reason he was freaking out is because he was being attacked with liquid insulation.
And I figured out what that means.
The landlord was probably insulating the floor below with that expanding foam.
And I bet like a tiny amount came up through his floorboards and like a sliver appeared in between his wood floor.
And he saw that as they're attacking me with liquid insulation.
And then he says, I can't go outside, it is, because people know that I was in a movie and they throw pennies at me and they pull their pants down.
None of that ever happens, let alone consecutively.
Yeah.
You walk outside and people throw pennies at you and moon you, I would be laughing my ass off.
I'm never moving.
I'm home.
Does he say it is often?
Because I got a clip.
So when he hears this is it, then he has to say it is.
He can't think.
That happens automatically?
Yeah, here.
Check it out.
This is it.
This is it.
This is.
Is it?
This is it.
It is.
It is.
Oh, he's singing the song.
This is it.
But he has to have the squirrels.
He has to say, it is.
This is it.
It is.
No one know.
You put it in there pretty good.
Why are we playing music now?
What's that?
Why is music playing?
Oh, well, it's the dictator.
The dictator?
You got dictums.
Yes, I am.
You're dictumated.
Hold on, I got this better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No flip-flops.
Ever, never, ever.
Not even on the beach.
When you go to the beach, you wear your chucks on the hot sand till you get to your area.
Take off your chucks, and then you can go barefoot on the not hot sand into the water back and forth.
And I know people say, well, Gav, I get your no flip-flops thing.
It does look gross in the city with syringes and shit everywhere, but the beach is an exception.
No, there are no exceptions.
I am done with men's toes for the rest of my entire life.
I am sick of suffering through New York City in July and seeing men's hairy toes everywhere and the bottom of women's feet go black with their stupid, disgusting fucking flip-flops.
And no shower shoes.
What are you doing with slippers on?
Are you going to the showers at Rikers?
Is that what's going on?
Why?
And then you're uncomfortable with your shower shoes, so you wear a little women's bobby socks, little ankle socks.
What are you, a fucking lazy fat chick?
No more shower shoes.
What if someone slaps your girl?
What if you got to run away from cops?
The fuck are you doing with those stupid shoes?
Now, I know a lot of you are thinking I'm going to say no shorts.
No, I'm not an asshole.
I'm a benevolent dictator.
It's good to live.
Look how clean my city is.
So yeah, you can wear shorts if the high that day, check the weather, is over 80 degrees.
Once the high is over 80 degrees, all bets are off.
It's sort of like when it's zero degrees, it's so cold you don't really care how you look.
You just put your hood up and you have mittens and stuff.
That's fine.
When we're with extreme temperatures, that's fine.
And I know that pardons a lot of people in the South.
Now, the problem with shorts, of course, is shoes because you don't want your feet to reek, but socks look funny on a grown man to have socks and sneakers with shoes.
Some guys decide to embrace that and go crazy and pull up their black socks kind of high, and they're like, yeah, I'm a freak, especially SoCal people.
No, you can do one of two things.
One is put some powder in your shoes and then they don't reek.
Just make sure if you ever go to someone's house, you have to take them off.
It's going to be super embarrassing because you leave these powdered footprints like a ghost.
Or wear socks that are so low that they can't be detected.
That's fucking embarrassing, but you can do it.
However, if you go to a girl's house like you're going to fuck her or something, when you're taking off your shoes, slip off that gay, stupid sock you have and stuff it into your shoe.
That tree has to fall in the woods with nobody around so it can't make a sound.
Those are just, oh, and two more things.
No more black chucks over the age of 25.
Mid-20s, you look stupid.
You look like a little kid.
You look like Chucky.
You're not in the Ramones.
Don't wear black chucks.
Wear white chucks till the day you die.
But no black chucks after 25.
And nothing on your fucking shirt after 30.
Come on.
I don't care what you think.
I don't care what bands you like.
No one is looking to you for input.
So either have the Mets or nothing on your shirt.
Simple.
People used to dance and sing.
They used to run wild in the streets.
That was not good singing.
You know what's a fucking jam on that album?
P.S., it is.
This is England.
They also ruined that song with 9 million samples at the beginning, including a kids' schoolyard.
What?
What are you doing?
Was that a video for it?
Is this a homemade one?
Yeah.
Yeah, the enthusiasm was done.
I don't think they made any videos.
He's just got a marker.
This line.
This song has the line.
I got my motorcycle jacket.
Good thing he got rid of Mr. Samples.
That's another one.
I got my motorcycle jacket, but I'm walking all the time.
You know, the story of Bernie Rhodes, that is a relevant story because it's an example of you not empowering yourself.
I say, get fired, get in trouble, be brave.
You are responsible for your own destiny.
Like my buddy Mike, who was getting his twins baptized.
And his dad said, well, you had those twins with a surrogate.
Sometimes the church frowns upon that.
And Mike goes, if the priest has a problem with that and doesn't want to baptize my kids, I'll pick them up and I'll throw them through the fucking stained glass.
I don't know why that sentence made me feel so good.
I was like, yeah, no one's the boss of us.
Not priests.
Nobody.
Now, you can't throw a cop through a window unless it's a chick you can knock out.
That's different.
You just have to seethe and hate them quietly because society has given them infinite power.
But outside of that, no, no one's your boss.
If Bernie Rhodes tells you to fire your best friend, say, fuck you, Bernie Rhodes.
Did you know that my babysitter's boyfriend's parents told him to dump her if she didn't quit babysitting for me?
I remember that, yeah.
And the takeaway I get from that is I can't believe the kid did it.
Just if my dad, when I was 16, told me to dump someone, I'd go, all right, dad.
I would just totally ignore him.
I'm moving out in two years anyway.
Fuck you.
It's along the same lines of him telling you what kind of underwear to wear.
It's like, that's none of your beeswax.
Great analogy, Ryan.
Okay, so this is what I want to get to when I criticize women.
I know I'm an anti-femite.
It's like an anti-Semite who blames the Jews for everything.
I blame women for everything.
I know I do that.
But it's not woman women.
It's not your mom.
It's not the normal woman.
It's this bastardization, the shit chests.
Remember shit chests?
They're like Iron Man, but instead of the glowing orb here, it's a piece of poo.
The glowing orb was the ability to be a mom and make babies and keep a house.
We removed that from them and replaced it with shit.
So if you put shit in Iron Man's chest, he'd be fucked up, right?
That's what women are today.
So when I'm criticizing women, I'm not criticizing, like, for example, the women who watch this show.
They obviously have their heads screwed on.
I'm talking about these busybody cunts who are intervening in your life, just like Bernie Rhodes.
So there was this article in the New York Post.
I think it was yesterday.
Yesterday.
Do do do.
Yes, it was yesterday.
And it's just a matter of time before I pull it up.
Oh, look at this.
As I'm trying to find it, I see this article where this cameraman was fired for being anti-Muslim.
Fired by this woman.
And you know what he did that was anti-Muslim?
He shared a Facebook meme that had Ilhan Omar saying someone did something on 9-11.
And he goes, yeah, I shared that because it was news.
Everyone was talking about that meme, so I sent it to people.
And she complained.
You know why?
Because she's an affirmative action hire.
She doesn't deserve to be there.
This guy is a cameraman who busted his ass, worked hard, and eventually got a news gig, which is a great gig, regular pay.
Good gig for a cameraman.
He earned it.
She was only hired because she's Muslim and a woman, and they had to check off that box.
And you know what happens when that happens?
It's a shit chest.
What happens is they feel insecure and they go, I shouldn't be here.
Just like if I was Hunter Biden and I was the head of some giant hedge fund in China, I'd be like, ah, shit, I hope they don't ask me anything about mining.
So they build a brick wall around themselves to keep out the pain, the fear, and the hurt.
No, they build this wall around, and the bricks are made of allegations and complaints.
So you don't want to fire her because you're going to get sued now.
She was the victim of Islamophobia.
That's a protective barrier she's put around herself because she feels vulnerable.
You understand?
So that is why I'm so anti-feminist, because not because women are bitches, but because it's making women into these Bernie Rhodes cunts.
So anyway, back to this article.
Young men are scared of sex.
That's a fact.
And when I was on, I was doing an interview the other day, I told you about this, where I said, be brave, get in trouble.
And I said, that applies to everything, young men, even if it means writing a pro MAGA essay in school and getting an F, write it.
But I said, don't have that attitude with sex because your life could get ruined with a fake rape allegation.
And I just think, dude, when I moved to New York City from Montreal, the amount of sluts and the perversions, maybe it's because there's so many Jewish chicks here, but they were like fucking rude.
Like, not just rape me and beat me, kill me.
Like, they wanted to be strangled, smacked around, spit in their face.
And some of them wanted, I'm actually getting a bit of a boner talking about this, which is embarrassing, but some of them wanted me to sort of just sort of rape them.
I don't mean jump out of the bushes with a knife and a palaclava, but in the bedroom, like they say no, and I keep going.
So I always had like a judge in the back of my head going, would this hold up in court?
Would this hold up in court?
Here's a sentence that sums up my sex life when I first moved to New York.
And I had vice and stuff, so lots of chicks wanted to fuck me.
Her name was Nicole, and she sent me an email that said, thank you for raping me last night.
Can you imagine that today?
I mean, we had Mattress Girl.
She was having vaginal sex.
He put it in the wrong hole for a second, which is an episode of the Mindy Kaling show.
It's considered funny on her show.
Mattress Girl said, Hey, what?
And then he took it out.
She had been soliciting him for anal sex regularly, but she claims she didn't want it that particular time.
She carried a mattress around for years, and his life is over.
Ruined, had to move back to Germany because of her.
First, like, by the way, the wrong hole thing has happened to every single sexually active man in America, at least once.
Has it ever happened to you?
What's that?
What, you're not watching the show?
No, I am.
I'm just trying to find her rapist.
I never seen.
Have you ever got it in the wrong hole for a second?
Yeah.
It's right there.
That happens.
There's two holes next to each other.
Have you ever played darts?
Sometimes you don't get triple 20.
Sometimes it accidentally goes in the bullseye.
Except the bullseye.
Yeah, it is the accident.
Anyway, this article is fascinating because it's written by a shit chest.
So there's this woman, Peggy Orenstein.
That's 12, link 12.
So she does all this research, right?
This is her attitude.
Peggy Orenstein on Donald Trump's crude remarks about women.
It's about abusive, aggressive behavior by a man who's not seeing a problem.
She's talking about the grab the pussy thing, among other quotes, which is a fact, by the way.
When you're famous and powerful, you can grab women by the pussy and they like it.
I've done it.
Sorry.
It doesn't mean you walk up to some old lady on the street and go, honk.
Obviously.
I feel like every sentence I say in this show should be punctuated with, obviously.
Fuck, why are we playing that music again?
I guess he just can interrupt whenever he wants.
This is getting ridiculous.
Basic water park rules.
There's only three.
It's very easy.
And they're all things you don't have to do.
First of all, no swim shirts.
There's no sun.
Swim shirts were invented for people who, I don't know, are allergic to sunblock or some bullshit.
Now, it's where fat, ugly, pussy...
Pussy shitheads are embarrassed of their tits.
You know what you should do if you're embarrassed of your tits?
Stop having tits.
Don't have boobies, you fucking lazy piece of shit.
You can't just hide it with a shirt.
And now you got your son wearing a swimshirt.
Way to go.
You conveyed your pathetic shame onto your son.
Now he's worried about his nipples.
What are we Amish here?
This is fucking pathetic.
I see all these men wearing swim shirts.
You might as well wear a shirt that says, I'm ashamed of my body.
Oh no.
So it sucks to have tits.
It sucks to be a fat pig.
That's pathetic.
And that's something you need to fix.
But hiding in a swim shirt is even worse.
Swim shirts?
What the fuck?
It's like people wearing ski helmets.
When I was young, you would not see one helmet on the slopes.
Now you see nothing but helmets.
I'm the only guy there not wearing a helmet.
Oh, I might bump my head.
I know the odds are one in 10 million, but you never know.
Can't be too careful.
And now we're wearing swim shirts.
Oh, don't look at my nipples, you horny man.
I would go to a fucking gay water park and not give a shit who's looking at me.
When you eat a cheeseburger, there's a fat guy, there's a homeless man, there's people staring at you.
Hungry people are looking at your cheeseburger.
They want it.
I don't give a fuck.
You can't have my cheeseburger.
Same with my cock.
Who cares who's staring at your cock?
Which brings me to number two.
I can't believe I have to say this.
No underwear.
Yes, that's correct.
If you go to water parks, you will see that about half of the men are wearing underwear.
I saw a guy last weekend wearing another pair of shorts.
So he had his bathing suit on and then shorts, like basketball shorts, on underneath his fucking bathing suit.
He's just wearing two pairs of shorts.
What are you doing?
And I've talked to some of these fucking assholes.
It's millennials.
It started with millennials.
Now it's guys my age with their underwear, their under armor underwear hanging out of their bathing suit.
I think they think it's kind of sexy, like Marky Mark, fucking Calvin Klein ads.
I said, one of these kids, what the fuck are you doing?
He goes, oh, the mesh.
Actually, it was his mother.
I said, what's your son doing with fucking underwear on?
She goes, oh, he said the mesh bothers him.
Bull shit.
The mesh bothers you.
Yeah, it's 2020 and people who make bathing suits are so fucking dumb that they use uncomfortable mesh, barbed wire on your fucking balls.
It hasn't occurred to people in this day and age to make mesh in bathing suits that doesn't irritate.
It couldn't be softer.
It's like perforated silk.
It doesn't hurt your dick or your balls.
The real reason men wear underwear under their bathing suits is because they're petrified that someone will see the contours of their penis, which is pathetic.
First of all, who gives a fuck if someone sees that?
What are they not going to fuck you now?
Because your penis is too small?
Oh, oh, oh, forget it.
I'm sorry.
What?
That doesn't happen.
Secondly, you can't see the dick.
There's not, it would, maybe in white speedos, if you were staring like one inch, you'd go, oh, I kind of see where the dick is.
Maybe.
But in the bathing suits men wear today that are just basically big shorts, you can't see your dick.
You fucking paranoid loser.
Finally, number three, no swim shoes.
I can't believe I have to say this.
Why are you wearing swim shoes at a water park?
Clearly, the ground is going to be textured.
They don't want to get sued.
So no one's going to make a water park where the ground is like marble or slippery, slippery linoleum.
That's hard to say.
Slippery linoleum.
I'm going to say that every time I have to do an important oration.
Slippery linoleum.
Slippery linoleum.
New York.
New York.
That's not going to be that Because people would slip and fall, and the place would get sued.
That'd be the end of them.
So, just by the very nature of it being a water park that has people in it, you know that the floor is going to be grippy.
There's little kids running around.
It's some of the grippiest floors I've ever walked on.
And you have aqua shoes?
Like, there might be an argument for aqua shoes in Costa Rica during rainy season if you're walking up a river.
Maybe some asshole has glass there.
I would just wear Chuck Taylor's, by the way.
If you're going to be walking through dangerous, rocky terrain that's wet, just wear fucking shoes and they can dry off later.
But aqua shoes at a water park?
I've even seen a, I'd say he was 14 or so, wearing a fucking swimshirt, underwear, and AquaSocks.
Fuck that kid.
Music by Ben Thede I don't think that dictator's world, it definitely wouldn't be a freer place.
It's definitely not libertarian.
It might be better, though.
I would like it better.
I'm not sure you would, America.
I didn't know dictator was sometimes a good thing.
When you agree with the dictator, you say, it's pretty good.
I may have made this up because every time I research it, I can only find me saying it.
But I'm sure I read about an African dictator who would make men eat their flip-flops at gunpoint.
Soldiers would stop you on the street and make you eat your flip-flops if you were wearing flip-flops, obviously.
There's also a town in Italy that's at such a steep incline that people kept wearing flip-flops, kept falling and getting injuries, and it was clogging up the hospitals.
So flip-flops are illegal in that vertical town.
And that's where I'm going to retire.
All right.
I'm still trying to get this.
So this woman, Jill Orenstein, Peggy Orenstein, wrote this big article in the New York Post about how men are scared of sex.
You know why men are scared of sex?
Because feminism ruined it.
And now they're petrified of becoming another mattress girl victim.
In fact, I know of frats where they have the prospects sit in a chair while you fuck a chick to be a witness.
They witness sex.
And we have apps where everyone agrees on what moves they're going to do.
That's why sex is ruined.
And because porn has become so accessible and it's such an easy option, men are just like, I could rub one out to my dream girl in my exact specific weird scenario that I'm into and not be ruined, not be me too'd, or I could go risk it with a human.
No thanks.
That's the issue here.
But the New York Post is stupid enough to let this woman posture that the real problem is masculinity.
Oh.
So in this article, she says porn is a factor, but not for the reason I said.
You know why she says porn is a factor?
Because they see dick sizes that they can't live up to.
No, they don't.
Sure, guys are insecure about their penises until they fuck a chick and she goes, yeah, that's about normal.
Like, I don't know of a dude who's known as a dude with a small dick.
It doesn't really come up.
So you're super paranoid as like a 14-year-old.
Then some girl touches your dick who's touched another dick and she goes, yeah, that's about normal.
And you're like, few.
So that's not a thing.
Men are not avoiding women because they are insecure about their penis size.
They know that porno dicks are absurd.
So that's crazy.
Another theory that she just throws in there is these masculine super studs on shows like California Cation, David D'Akovny.
David DiCovny in California plays a novelist in Los Angeles whose ability to woo any woman is described by one young male subject to author, Peggy Ornstein, as convincing.
So that shows bad.
You don't show a stud who's fucking tons of chicks.
If you're successful in a Hollywood as a screenwriter or something, you're banging tons of chicks.
That's just a fact.
And then she also says in this article that Mason has been watching porn since he was 14, and he claims it convinced him that a hot woman would just magically appear and offer herself up to him.
That was my whole perception of how it was supposed to go, he said.
It does go like that.
In fact, in this article, she says that men are expected to be infinitely horny, and she talks about this guy who was passed out at a party, and then he woke up and some girl had mounted him.
So technically rape, right?
And her take was like, men can be sexually violated because they're seen as these perverts who always want to fuck, but sometimes they don't.
No, they all want to fuck at all times.
And you just said that porn gives these boys this crazy world that women will just want to fuck them.
And then in your same article, some woman just mounted you while you were asleep.
And then she's making it seem like that's a thing that could happen.
So it's not rare.
It's a thing that happens.
Right.
You just said it's a phenomenon.
And then you said young men are under the impression that women are just going to mount them.
A woman just did like two paragraphs ago.
So it's a piece of shit.
Communist article.
And this is God, by the way, telling us not to play God.
Communism doesn't work because it's not natural.
And nature was designed by the big guy, right?
Just think of, just call it nature if you're an atheist.
The way nature works is there's checks and balances.
If a brother fucks a sister, they make a retard.
If you play God and you decide to insert an agenda, you end up with a bullshit article that blames men for not wanting sex enough.
No, ladies.
Hey, Peggy, it's called culpability.
You have to take some responsibility because your bullshit, Marxist, anti-Trump, anti-male agenda is fucking with this kids.
How ironic that in an article where she's blaming masculinity for men being scared of sex, how ironic is it that, no, it's articles like hers that are doing it.
Hey, Peggy, I found the problem.
Ready?
Yeah, I'm really interested.
I can't wait to find it.
You.
You, you fat, ugly bitch.
She knows All about the sex.
There's two things I noticed there.
Like, they kind of made they kind of absolve men of stuff by saying, oh, they're always horny.
And so, like, it kind of puts us as a victim.
And everybody loves being victimized.
I don't like that.
Like, that kind of like absolved men of being horny.
And I was like, I don't, I don't like being a victim.
That's not true.
I'm horny.
I got a boner like about 10 minutes ago.
Just from talking about it.
Just from talking about sex.
I'm constantly thinking about sex, planning my next night with my wife, what the details are going to be, what I might be able to incorporate.
I'm consumed.
At church, I'm sitting behind a couple and I'm like, I wonder what's the best sex they've ever had.
I wish I could see it.
It could have happened like 30 years ago, but let's see the best, the one where they both sort of collapsed on the bed after and went, oh, oh, Jesus.
I think about that all the time.
They're like Wolfman.
When I see couples, I'm always imagining, I wish I could see their best sex.
Even like 70-year-olds.
I'm like, can I see the best sex you had is probably in 1968 when you 69.
68 when you 69.
And then the article is based on her, on this lady.
Well, it says she did hundreds of interviews.
Yeah, with an agenda.
She's not qualified.
But it's actually written by a guy named Eric Spitznagle.
I know, but he's just a cuck.
Dude, who's just puking out whatever she told him to say?
You're going to love this.
From milk baths to drones on demand, these trends will rule 2020.
He's got to be gay, right?
What's the next one?
How social media has destroyed our ability to forgive.
This is sounding like a gay.
And then some gossip.
Steve Jobs didn't build anything, Beavison Butthead Creator says.
Heartwarming Tale about a crippled donkey became a running champion.
The secret.
Oh, man.
Spiritualist community.
How tiny pooch?
This is a fag.
Taught her human to climb mountains.
Taught her human.
Tiny pooch equals fag.
Something you just need to know.
All right.
Remember how mad I was about this coach who was fired?
Just to recap, it's in New Rochelle, a suburb of New York.
I think Sam Roberts might live there.
Sam Roberts.
He rules.
I met him yesterday.
Okay.
Yeah.
And an affirmative action hire.
I'm not sure this is her.
I think this is her.
She's definitely responsible.
She definitely could have prevented it.
So the buck stops with her.
I'm not sure she did the actual firing, but she's part of the firing.
And she'd just been hired.
Yeah, that's her.
She'd just been hired like last year because they needed more females in the administration.
So they made her the superintendent of New Rochelle.
And again, she fired Coach D because he called his niece's mother when he saw his 13-year-old niece drunk.
Ruined football for the high school, ruined tons of poor black kids' lives.
But she just had to fire him and say he can't set foot on campus because she's a cunt.
Look at her.
Look at her.
Laura Feiju.
How do you pronounce that last name?
Who cares?
Feiju Feiju.
Is that a Chinese last name, though?
That's probably why she was hired because they went, oh, her last name has an accent.
And then she's a gender.
She's in.
And again, affirmative action hires, they feel compelled to do something.
Oh, I was hired as a social justice warrior.
I better do social justice.
Okay, you're being too independent.
You're fired.
Like, if I was, if the Scottish lobby got me into government, I would feel compelled to do Scottish things.
Uh-oh, Robbie Burns night?
Okay, that's a national holiday.
Sorry, a municipal holiday.
Robbie Burns Night.
I mean, these guys got me in here.
It's the same with the bitch who fired Roseanne.
She had just been appointed the head of NBC, and she thought, oh, I better be a social justice warrior.
I'm a black woman, and I was hired for my black woman-ness.
So the second Roseanne dared to transgress and made a joke that could be interpreted as racist, fired.
That's what she did.
I spoke to a female cop once, or a girl who wants to become a female cop, because she's a female.
Is this the barmaid?
Yeah, and she already has ideas for how to change the whole system because it's inherently racist or whatever.
She hasn't even taken the test yet.
And she's already thinking of how to just restructure.
The NYPD is racist.
This is the same argument you see again and again.
If a group is doing badly, it's because of prejudice.
So if blacks are in prison, that's proof that there's racism.
If blacks aren't passing the fire department's exam, then the exam is racist.
You don't have to look at the actual exam.
You just look at the results.
Okay, then why are Asians so successful in mathematics?
Does that mean they're better?
Positive racism.
That's positive racism.
They just get pushed into that?
Yeah.
Like everything is, everyone is exactly the same, has the exact same talents.
So if a group is doing badly, it's someone else's fault.
That's shitty logic.
You know why women are not the predominant winners of Fields medals?
They don't seem to have a predilection for mathematics.
Sawy, you can fire Larry Summers as the president of Harvard for saying that.
Doesn't make it untrue.
Got a predilection for mathematics.
Very difficult predilection.
This reminds me of 1.4.
This is a slightly older item.
But in this communist world of feminism, where women can do no wrong, you also can't be fat.
Meaning, sorry, there's no such thing as overweight.
So first click on, this is a fitness expert who didn't call Lizzo fat.
She just said, why is everyone so proud of her for being fat?
I mean, they're going to be proud when she gets diabetes?
Right.
It's not going to be so awesome when she gets diabetes.
I've personally found, and I love celebrities like Lizzo or Ashley Graham who are really preaching self-acceptance.
I love her music.
Yeah, 100%.
I don't know anything about her.
I'm sure she's a cool, awesome chick.
Yeah, and I love that they're putting images out there that we normally don't get to see of bodies that we don't get to see being celebrated.
Why are we celebrating her body?
Why does it matter?
That's what I'm saying.
Like, why are we celebrating her music?
So she's saying, look, she's a disgusting fat pig, but I'm not going to call her that.
Let's just focus on the music.
So she's not saying criticize her.
She's saying don't glorify her fatness.
So she's In shit for saying, don't glorify obesity.
She's not criticizing the obese person.
She's saying, let's just not mention it.
See how far the pendulum has swung now?
Not only can you not criticize fat people, if you don't glorify them, urine shit.
If you don't focus on their awesome dying fatness, and Lizzo is a gigantic fat pig.
She's not big-boned like that Victoria's Secret model we like or Ashley Graham.
She's a fucking disgusting fat pig who has a giant ass sticking out of her gun.
And her ass itself is hideous because she's so fat.
It's just like a weird vagina.
And in the same breath that she's like, she sticks out.
She moons people at basketball games.
Look at her.
Is that her there?
Oh, no, no.
That's people mimicking her album code.
The only time she doesn't look like she's dying is when she has a corset holding in her disgusting obesity.
That looks painful.
Anyway, keep playing that clip.
Because this is the villains in today's day and age.
Because it isn't going to be awesome if she gets diabetes.
Well, I wouldn't ask you, I'm just being honest.
Like, I love her music.
Like, my kid loves her music, but there's never a moment where I'm like, and I'm so glad that she's overweight.
Like, why do I even care?
Why is it my job to care about her weight?
How uncontroversial can you get?
Yeah.
And then in the same breath, they'll tell you not to objectify Katy Perry.
Don't look at her pits, her music.
She's a fitness expert.
And she's in shit for not glorifying obesity.
Well, that's her job.
Also in feminism, I've noticed that some women are starting to realize the mess they've created for themselves.
You're fucking kidding me.
Again.
Yep.
Yep.
Yeah.
All right, movies, you've become an integral part of our society.
It's what married couples do on date night.
We go see a movie.
It's a great way to bond with the kids.
It's a great way for young people dating to spend some time together.
They're here to stay.
So I'm going to have to institute three rules for movies starting now.
Number one, no more logos at the beginning.
I don't fucking care who, what production company.
Am I shopping for production companies?
What percentage of the people watching the movie are considering production companies?
Hmm, should I go with Neon Entertainment or Carly Brothers?
Let me watch their dumb little short.
And so we see your stupid fucking logo that no one gives a shit about.
Stick it in the credits.
So someone really curious can, I don't even know why there's credits in the first place, too.
Oh, that was a key grip.
Surely it should just be a PDF that you could order online if you're that 0.0000001% of people who give a shit who worked on the fucking movie.
But we look at your dumb logos at the beginning.
Oh, great.
Okay.
Hey, it says neon and it's written in neon.
Whoa.
And then it says, then during the beginning credits, we have to see it again.
It says a neon production in association with Carly Boy's production.
And now the logos I just saw are written out in a different font.
Fuck off.
I don't want to see that.
Just start the movie for crying out loud.
Number two, I'm done with the uppy-downy volume shit.
Okay?
You have some quiet couple having a whispering thing and I got to turn it up.
My wife's deaf.
And then a train comes by and I got to run, grab the remote, and turn it down.
I'm sick of all this quiet, loud, quiet, loud, shaking the whole fucking house.
Our speakers are on the ceiling.
So when you have a train going, there's a train in the house.
The dog starts barking.
Fuck off.
Number three, all movies are now one hour and 20 minutes max.
No more fucking Irishman.
It's become a homework assignment.
We can't even get through them.
Like if I want the kids to go to bed at, say, 9, I got to start the movie at like 6 p.m.
So we're rushing through dinner to get to get ready for this movie.
Better hurry.
Actually, let's skip dinner and we'll just make popcorn.
We got to get this movie in.
Fuck that.
No one has three hours to spare.
Every human being likes an hour and 20.
That's why I get off my lawn is just over an hour because that's a normal amount for a thing.
Three hours is not a normal amount for a thing.
that's like a pretty good nap That dictator is messing with my rhythm here.
Yeah.
So I was saying that a lot of women are realizing that this world they created for themselves, this is 1.9, isn't that great?
And I called this a long time ago.
So I'm going to let her talk and then I'll explain that I predicted this issue.
There's a lot of radical feminists, though.
They're like, fuck all men.
You're like, fuck all men.
We can't do that.
But what they really mean is like, we don't need a man.
I'm like, well, who's going to take your air conditioner out?
You didn't take your air conditioner out, Sarah?
No, then we can't fuck all men.
Let's just keep it on a case-by-case basis like we've been doing.
It is a weird climate right now, you know.
Men don't know if they can help women.
Women don't know if they can accept help from men.
There have been a lot of rapes.
Just a buttload of rapes.
I do feel like all those rapes kind of put that cat calling video into perspective.
Remember when people were really upset?
They're like, men are whistling at women.
Now a couple years later, we're like, maybe that wasn't that bad.
I think she's talking about, when she says a lot of rapes, is she talking about like Epstein and Weinstein?
Yeah, that it's...
I think I fucked up this whole moment of the show.
Uh-oh.
Because I thought she was saying, I wish cat-calling would come back.
But she's not really saying that.
She's saying, cat-calling was awful, but things got way worse.
Okay, I fucked up.
I kind of get it.
My point, though, that the thing I did predict is when all that anti-cat calling shit was going down, I said, the only thing women hate more than being cat-called is the day it stops.
And if you live in New York City, you see, it's mostly black and Hispanic on black and Hispanic crime.
You rarely see whites do it, and it's rarely to white women.
And they love it.
So it's like, hey, mommy, you're beautiful.
God bless you.
When are we going to get together?
And she's like, oh, I don't know.
Maybe never.
Maybe sometime.
And then she walks away.
You're Puerto Rican.
You must do it all the time.
Well, I'm familiar with what you're talking about.
Yeah, sure.
Even my grandfather does that to my grandmother.
And they're not vulgar.
Like, they don't go, ah, I wish I was that bike seat.
Yeah, sit on it.
They're not Ronnie Mund.
Let me take you out.
It's always like, you're so beautiful, baby.
Oh, my God.
I would kill to be with you.
When are we going to go?
It's always really benign compliments.
Can you wear that same thing when we go on our date, honey?
Come on.
Exactly.
That's a perfect example.
I just made that one up.
It's the Puerto Rican of me.
I summoned it.
All right, I'm going to end my feminist rants with, this isn't that interesting of a video, but it's more to my point.
These women are creating this world where they're badass bitches, and now they're like fighting dudes.
So this chick, I think she was robbed, and I think it was those guys, but like get a cop or someone to handle this, she decides she's going to make them give her her money back, the money they stole from her purse.
Like, I'll handle this.
I mean, maybe a dude should handle this, but even a dude, like you're going to take on two thieves who are going to go to jail if they lose.
That's not an easy fight.
But if you're a five-foot-tall chick, like this, their world, their utopia is really dangerous for them.
It's actually a woman hell.
Feminists are making women's lives hell.
And this is a perfect example.
I don't give a fuck.
Empty your fucking pockets now.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Fuck you, dude, Dave.
I will fucking strip you down, dude.
Don't make me fucking do it.
I'm looking for $200 and fucking 20s.
I'm fucking called cops and they fuck come searching right now, motherfucker.
Fucking dirty fuck.
But $200 fucking dollars you stole out of my wallet, you dirty fuck.
Give me my fucking money back.
Now, I will strip you down, she says.
How tall is she?
Five feet?
Give me my fucking money.
You dirty drunk fuck.
We all know you fucking took my money.
Give it to me now.
We all know you took my money.
He won't empty his wallet or show me his fucking pocket.
No, fuck you.
I want $200 in 20s now.
I want $200 fucking dollars in 20s.
What are you talking about?
I want 200 fucking goddamn dollars in goddamn 20s now.
Motherfucker, you fucking fuck.
You fucking robbed my wallet.
I have $250 in it.
He doesn't do that.
Oh shit.
No.
Now you have money you can't do it.
Who was it, Dave?
Who was it?
I haven't watched this whole thing before.
Can we skip around?
Yeah, let's skip ahead.
He doesn't need to steal your shit.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Absolutely no need for that, Kim.
I've never even met one.
Didn't what happened, Dave?
They did steal it.
Yeah, but that is good logic.
He convinced her.
So he's like, why would he need a motive to take your money, but he doesn't need your money?
He's going to get tons of it.
She's like, that's reasonable.
Good point.
All right.
So you are kidding me.
Dictator.
Yes I am, you did it.
you Yeah, no more rescuing sharks on the beach.
That's a predator.
It's going to bite my kids.
Let it fucking die.
I don't understand why people sit there with water buckets, pouring it on a shark and trying to get him back into water.
So you can do what?
Bite my kid?
No, he stays here.
He drowns or whatever fish do when they're not in water.
And you can go shovel them up, stuff them, maybe put them on your wall or something.
Why the fuck are you rescuing sharks?
Now, if we're out in the wild, I guess I get it.
Oh, if hammerheads are endangered, fucking biggest loser in the world of animals.
It's up there with the woolly mammoth as God's funniest joke.
But anyway, say they're endangered.
I guess I get it that you want to save them.
Just do that way out in the ocean.
I don't want to hear about it.
But as far as residential beaches, if you see something that is all teeth, who only lives to kill and doesn't even sleep, then let it fucking die.
Okay.
No.
One more subject before we get to the mailbag.
Because this, it leaks into trans.
I saw this.
Remember I had my ad agency shut down for saying that trans are mentally ill gays?
Well, they're not.
They're just women.
So if you see a trans woman on the street, just see a woman.
And there's nothing unusual about them.
They don't attack women with hijabs.
Look at this video.
Look at this video.
By the way, you know what's interesting about that?
Hijabs don't come off.
Like when you hear, oh, these redneck Nazis ripped off my hijab.
It's pinned on.
It's like a yarmulke.
It doesn't go flying off.
And he grabbed it there, and she's just like, what the fuck are you doing?
That's a she.
Well, she.
Z. Z, yes.
With a neckbeard.
Z. He has a beard.
A mini skirt and a beard.
Ew, is he just growing his beard like from his neck?
Yeah.
So harassing Muslims in Berlin is not easy.
Can't hit a lady.
You're going to be surrounded by Muslims Within seconds.
That's interesting.
You have to learn how to fight like a girl, too.
Like, he went all out.
That's the other thing.
They talk about trans as victims.
And I remember trannies in Montreal.
We used to go to this big circuit party called Black and Blue because, as straight guys, there were tons of drunk, horny sluts, fag hags.
I've always been a fag hag hag.
And you'd see the trannies there, and you'd just avoid them like the plague because they were psycho.
They'd be on masks.
They'd be puking and then dancing in their puke.
And they get in fights and they take off their high heels and use them as weapons.
Did you see Tucker pointed out?
He goes, wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's a trans murder epidemic?
You say there's 1.4 million people to identify as trans.
There's been 26 deaths last year.
My math isn't accurate, but you get the idea.
That's 1.8 per 100,000.
The average rate in America is 2.6 per 100,000.
So Ryan and I are more in danger of being killed than a tranny.
And I just thought when he did that, it's just simple math.
It took him like a second.
I bet, I know his producer.
I bet that guy just farted it out one day.
And you think, why can't politicians do that?
Like, remember there was that crazy black tranny who said, I want to talk to y'all motherfuckers about what's going on.
We are getting killed in the streets.
And that weird looking, he looks like a sort of a vagina, that Hispanic DNC presidential candidate, Jose Felipez or something, who's now dropped out.
But he's like, come, come to the stage.
I think Nancy Pelosi was there too.
And they're like, come, come to the stage.
And she's just screaming.
Wouldn't it be cool if he just went, are you talking about the trans epidemic?
I think 1.8 per 100,000 is not an epidemic, especially when the normal rate in America is 2.6 per 100,000.
So I'm not sure what you're talking about.
There was, what, 26 deaths in 2018?
That's not an epidemic.
I mean, more people died from furniture accidents.
Wouldn't it be cool if they just would do that?
They'd be familiar with it instead of like, yes, that's it.
It's because they're all fucking liars and they're Bolsheviks and they're only in it for the power.
You want some proof of that, by the way?
You want some easy proof?
Go to 3.8.
All you need to do to see how full of shit politicians are is go back a few years.
More low-road attacks from Hillary Clinton.
Now she's pushing a bogus gas tax gimmick.
Even Governor Easley called such plans a subsidy for oil companies.
They'll simply raise prices and pocket the difference.
Clinton AIDS admit it won't do much for you, but would help her politically.
So here's the choice: Clinton gimmicks that help big oil, or Barack Obama, a real energy plan, and a thousand-dollar middle-class tax cut to help families truly pay the bills.
I'm going to give you $1,000.
That's exactly Andrew Yang's campaign.
Everyone gets $1,000.
They're all so full of shit.
Anyway, this story I thought was really important to get to.
Milo's been raving about this.
There's like an Australian Milo Charlie Kirk kind of Nick Fuentes kid.
He's gay, but he's conservative, and he's against gay marriage.
He says marriage is between a man and a woman.
Heterosexual institution, it is.
And he also said drag queens shouldn't be teaching kids.
I mean, especially, we haven't verified these guys.
A lot of them end up being pedophiles.
Drag queens are not for kids.
So he went to a drag queen story hour with his friends, and they chanted, drag queens are not for kids.
Have you got that?
It's 2-2 and 2-3.
There it is.
What's with the zits?
They're perfectly symmetrical.
Oh, wow.
She gets shot by the predator from far away.
Those moles?
Did he used to have snake bite piercings?
I'm prepping now.
By the way, did the dick, Speaking of water parks, I was at Great Wolf Lodge this weekend.
Some woman had a piercing that was...
She had a piercing that was just like a blue dot, like not a dot, but a sphere, like a little ball.
It's a dermal.
A little blue ball.
Nothing else.
Yeah, that's two.
This was just one.
I don't get the physics of that.
Where does the other end go?
It's like a surgical thing.
I know it's.
It's a dermal implant.
You have to have something to attach on the other end.
Does it scoop in like a fish hook?
Yeah, something like that.
I think there's like a flat end to it.
Like, there you go.
Look.
See that?
I realized looking at all these people with tattoos that poor people have lots of tattoos because they are tribal.
And in cave days, they would be the ones who were used to fight wars.
They tend to have lower IQs and more testosterone and be more violent.
I'm one of them, by the way.
And so that's still in their DNA, but we don't fight wars anymore to that same sort of extent.
We don't need this big force of brawlers.
So they have markings on their body, warrior markings, tribalism.
I identify with this tribe.
Sometimes it's a fucking full-piece New York Yankees back tattoo.
But that was a thing.
Anyway, sorry, I can't believe I cut off in the middle.
What's this kid's name?
Go to 2-3.
So they start shitting on him, pressuring him, telling him he's going to die, giving him death threats, and eventually he kills himself.
He just kept getting shat on and threatened, and your name is ruined forever.
I'm sure they said faggot a million times, too.
The left always goes to epithets when they are really mad.
Wilson Gavin.
And there's this cunt.
This sort of links back to what I was saying with feminism and trans and everything.
Go down.
There's this identical twins team called the Veronicas.
There's one of them in the foreground there.
And that's just her lesbian lover.
They're calling it a trans male, but it's just a lesbian lover.
So they were shitting on him.
And you know, they're one of the most popular pop groups.
They're icons over there.
And he just couldn't take it.
He couldn't take the shame.
So because he dared to voice a strong opinion that is pretty benign, just like I was saying with that other chick, like she said, Lizzo shouldn't be celebrated.
What about if she gets diabetes?
Pretty standard stuff.
So this guy says, I'm not into gay marriage, which I would say half the country agrees with him.
And I'm not into Drag Queen Story Hour.
I would say more than half agrees with that.
I'm just pulling this out of my ass, but I'd say 60 to 70% of Americans are not down with Drag Queen Story Hour.
So benign opinions, and he gets harassed to death.
All right, let's go to the mailbag.
Oh, wait.
You're kidding me.
Right before you music.
It interrupts the music for the mailbag.
I don't know if it could interrupt the actual mailbag subject matter, though, so I think we're good after it.
Okay, this has to be the last one.
*Music*
No more live music.
Young people like that.
I find it too loud.
But I'm at a bar.
I'm not at a venue.
I'm not at Irving Plaza.
I'm not at Mercury Lounge.
I'm at my local bar.
And oh, God, the feeling of dread we get when we see mic stands and amps.
We go, oh, shit.
The carpet is down there for the drum kit.
And we go, oh, no, it's only a matter of time before some fat fuck baby boomer with his big gut sits down on a stool because he's too fat to stand, pulls out a guitar, and starts going, whistin away again, and my garridable.
It's worse than karaoke.
If I want to hear Jimmy Buffett, I'll go to the jukebox and put on Jimmy Buffett.
I don't even really approve of that.
I don't know why we have music or TVs or women in bars.
That's a whole other rant.
But live music sucks.
And it's so fucking loud.
This bar is like 30 feet by 20 feet.
Why do you have amps?
An acoustic guitar and a snare drum would be definitely loud.
But you're plugging it in so you can amplify that shitty sound?
I don't want to hear your covers of pop and rock songs.
If I did want to hear those songs, I would hear David Bowie do it.
I would hear Under Pressure by Freddie Mercury.
I'd hear the guy doing it.
I don't need to see you with some fucking lanky bassist going, doo doo, doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo do do do do do.
Stop playing music in bars.
It's loud, it's annoying, and it's not weird.
It's not magic.
If some guy does a crazy card trick, you go, oh, that's weird.
That must have taken a long time.
I'm blown away.
I'm not blown away by a guitar.
Everyone has a fucking guitar.
It's not impressive that you can play a song.
You're just basically masturbating really loud in my face.
And that's fucking gross.
Music.
Thank you.
Okay, are we done with that fucking dictator?
Yeah, I think the coast is clear.
Do you want to live in this, in my dictatorship?
Sounds pretty good to me.
I mean, it's not free.
I'm a libertarian against the government, and it's a contradiction to live in a dictatorship, and I'm against dictators.
But there's no flip-flops.
No one annoys you at the water park.
I guess I have to throw a shit ton of people in jail.
That's the bummer.
Oh, that's the punishment you get to actually go to jail?
By the way, speaking of two minds, I'm of two minds about de Blasio releasing all these people.
I've always said we have way too many men in cages for dumb crimes.
But like, this guy robbed a bank four times.
Then they let him go because he didn't use a gun.
He just uses a note.
And he himself said, I can't believe they let me out.
And then he went and robbed a fifth bank.
Yeah, Milo highlighted a couple of these things that happened.
There was one that the guy got arrested, then he broke the glass of the police station.
You got to show your face when you talk, right?
After they released him, they.
Let me see.
Hold on one second.
Everything's all with different sizes here.
Look, I'm behind you.
You can make your whole face the shot.
Whoa.
All right.
They apprehended this guy, and then they released him for some crime.
And then as he's leaving, he smashes the glass of the police station, and then they apprehend him and then release him again.
Right.
And we had that black woman who kept yelling fucking Jews.
Yeah.
Like three times.
She attacked Jewish people.
They arrested her, let her go.
She did it again.
They arrested her.
Then she did it again.
And then this one guy robbed the place three times and they let him go each time.
Not the bank, but a different time.
Bananas.
And then you have Juliani, who got really strict on turnstile jumping and turned New York from a disgusting, dangerous shithole that it was up until the 90s, including that cool clash years, and turned it into heaven on earth.
So I got to do some thinking about this prison shit.
But I do think drug crimes are ridiculous.
That'd be interesting for you to come up with actual punishments for these.
Like this gets you a year.
I'm interested.
I think I'll just arm the police with a coat hanger and a lighter, and you just cook it up.
And then if you have flip-flops on, I just go.
Wow.
So all these people will just have weird like lines.
So instead of billy clubs, they have a lighter lighter.
And they're just like, stay right there, or we're going to tase and shoot you.
Officer Menendez.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
That thing's getting hotter.
He has an oven mitt holding it.
And he's like, oh, yeah, it's getting hot.
It's like, Actually, holding this lighter is almost burning my thumb.
And then he gets it till it's like glowing, and then he just goes, Why did I wear flip-flops?
So many people would watch it, too.
It's like it would be like a natural, like, yeah, people would just make public hanging.
Yeah, guys getting burned.
Got a flip-flop, dude.
I like the idea of like they're making sure their clips are loaded, like they got their guns loaded, and then they also have butane in their lighters.
Do you have any more coat hangers?
I'm definitely planning.
This is NYPD on them?
Because after a while, they get gross.
They have bits of skin hanging off them and stuff.
You just throw them out.
There'd be coat hangers all over the ground with bits of skin.
People would think abortion is illegal.
No, those aren't botched abortions.
Those are from flip-flop.
Flip-flop carnage.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to-*music* Karaoke is very expensive.
So here are some basic rules I need you to follow if we're all going to enjoy ourselves.
Because if you fuck this up, people are going to go, no, I'm not doing it.
Now, if we're renting a room, it can be as much as $180.
So I need everyone there to put in $20.
Didn't sing?
I don't give a fuck.
Everyone pays.
You don't want to pay?
Don't go.
There's no spectators at a karaoke thing.
Now, I understand if you're shy, that's gay.
That's lame.
You're a pussy.
But you showed up here, so you're part of it.
You're at the rock concert.
Just because you didn't stand up and clap doesn't mean you don't need to pay for your Billy Joel ticket.
So number one rule, you need to pay your share.
I fucking lost it on this one bitch who refused to pay and she snuck out after.
And I would always end up getting the bill and I'd have to cover the cost and I'd end up spending like 80 bucks.
I'd go, this isn't fun for me.
I don't want to spend $80 to do fucking karaoke.
And I followed her.
We went to this different bar.
Jamie was her name.
She was a hot chick, hot Jewish chick.
And she'd bullied my friend Leslie Arfin when they were in high school because she was hot and she was in the in crowd and Leslie was poor and her parents were divorced.
And so I already had it out for her because I was like, you fucking bullied my friend, you cunt.
And we go to the other bar and I go, Jamie, hey.
And I'd already said in my head, if she fucking lies to me, I'm going to snap.
And I go, Jamie, what's, did you, what's what I'm paying?
Did you pay?
And she goes, oh, yeah, yeah.
I paid the bouncer on the way out.
Such an obvious lie.
You don't pay the fucking bouncer.
And I just went, you lying chap, bitch.
And the bouncer kicked me out of the bar.
It was Mars bar.
And I felt kind of bad.
And my girlfriend at the time, who was now my wife, was pissed at me.
And she said, I get that you are mad, but why'd you have to make it racial?
And then I felt bad about that.
And I was talking to my other friend, Mark.
And I go, I'm kind of in trouble with Blobs for calling Jamie a lying jab bitch.
And he goes, well, is she Jewish?
Yeah.
Is she American?
Yeah.
Is she a princess?
Totally.
Was she being a bitch?
Yeah.
What's the issue here?
Anyway, people not paying can make you mad.
That's rule number one.
Rule number two, you need to sound like the guy.
So if you're going to do little red Corvette by Prince, you have to have a high-pitched voice.
I don't want to hear you going, little red Corve.
You have to be like, little red Corvette.
Baby, you got to slow.
And you can be the other guy.
Got to slow down.
Little.
So sound like him.
If you're doing Elvis Costello, pump it up.
You got to sound like the guy in the song.
Be him.
Bruce Springsteen, you got to rasp up your voice.
They blew up the chicken man in Philly last night and they burned down his house too.
Yeah, you're going to cough.
So we're here to simulate the song as much as possible.
If you don't know how to sound like that person and you have a deep voice and you can't do Prince, you can't do Prince.
Rule number three.
Don't do a funny voice.
That's not funny.
Like, the only exception to this is the Lannis Morris set.
Ironic.
I've been known to sing the chorus in a hardcore way, like, it's like great!
I'm not even sure that's okay.
But if it is, that's the only exception to the rule.
When you're doing a song, as I just said in the previous rule, you have to sound like the song.
So I could actually sort of wrap this up in the previous one.
Don't do a funny voice.
Joke songs are not funny and it's embarrassing.
Plus, we get the joke like four seconds in, and now we have to sit for another three minutes and watch you doing your funny, jokey voice, which is really just repeating the same joke again and again and again.
What else?
Don't choose rap.
Rap is really, really hard.
And I know you think you know this song, but you only know the chorus.
You don't know all the crazy parts.
So what we end up hearing is just you reading a teleprompter going, and you gotta go to jail when I get fat.
And motherfuckers be front me.
And I stand up to them.
And I'm saying, yo, bitch, I'm Paris.
I'm six feet two.
I'm deadly as ice.
The power of nice.
And you're like, I don't need to listen to you fucking bark at a rhyming teleprompter.
So the only time you can do rap is if you're a big rap fan, basically a rapper, and you have this song totally memorized 100%.
You know what?
I might even make that another one.
No, I'll roll that into that one.
Now I'm going to go over five.
Fuck.
All right.
I'm doing another one.
Another rule.
Don't do the song unless you can basically sing it without looking at the lyrics.
The lyrics should be there to remind you of how the song goes and maybe catch you once or twice.
But I don't want to see you sitting there reading the song like you, like Sister Christian.
Sister Christian, you're the only one.
You remember that part.
You're motoring, but you don't remember any of the verses.
So you have to rely on the teleprompter.
And that's not fun for me.
I want you to have the Song basically memorized before you stand up there with the mic.
Which brings us to the final rule.
I believe this is number six now.
Don't fucking do bad out of hell.
I think this song is 10 minutes long.
It's got like it's basically nine songs.
And I don't need to be hearing you do nine songs for 10 minutes.
Maybe I'll go get a beer and take a piss or something while you fucking bleather on your Jim Steinman meatloaf shit.
It's really boring to hear someone sing Bad of the Hill.
So please don't do it.
Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Brandon is telling us that Gwyneth Paltrow has a vagina-scented candle.
That is fucking ancient news.
Thank you for telling us ancient news.
Is it true, though?
Yes, Ryan, who's never heard of anything ever.
There was a funny Joe Rogan Instagram where he had he was having a fish, and I guess they lighted on fire, and he goes, just hanging out here with my vagina-scented candle.
All right, next letter, Gray Brain.
Mr. McInnes, can you confirm that this is you farting at the 235 mark as some sort of exclamation point, if you will, and getting good at it to the excellent point you had just made.
So I don't know what's taking you so long.
235?
Let's hope vexes aren't when Sonia Sotomayor is menstruating or something, or just before she's going to menstruate.
That would be really bad.
Lord knows what we would get then.
You know what's a fucking trip?
I did a segment on Kennedy's show once called If I Was a Dictator.
Huh.
And I had shit like burn your feet with flip-flops.
And she goes, so I think we're seeing why it would be bad if you ran the country.
And I go, oh, yeah, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
It would be much more terror-induced than fucking North Korea.
Just quality of life terror.
Just living in constant fear of my dictums.
Name that sexist.
Rush Limbaugh, B, Gordon Liddy, or C, Donald Trump.
Are we at 235?
Oh, that's too hard.
219 goes.
Isn't it beholden upon?
But is he wrong?
Judges are much more lenient after lunch.
So you've seen ladies that time.
That's worse than an empty stomach.
Okay.
There you go.
Quote number four in Nani.
What was that?
That's worse than an empty stomach.
Okay.
And you lurch forward and you say empty stomach.
I don't remember that.
Can we see that again?
Yeah.
Time.
That's worse than an empty stomach.
Okay.
Quote number four.
That's worse than an empty stomach.
Okay.
You lurch forward.
Yeah, I think I was.
I think you're right, caller.
You know, there's always this kind of like Fraudian slip thing, like where the guy.
Fraudian?
Is that like Freudian being fraudulent?
Yes.
Freudian slip.
Who was the candidate who Smallwell?
Smallwell?
Whatever?
Before he farted, he said something about like big gas or something, and then he farted.
And then there's another slip up where, like, Larry King said something.
They always refer to...
Yeah.
I think that was the show where I got banned from Fox for six months.
For farting?
No, I do this dumb joke where when I'm getting mic'd, I pretend it's freezing cold because they go up your shirt, right?
Although that doesn't look like it's up my shirt, so maybe that wasn't the particular.
So I always just, I go, oh my God, that's freezing.
And everyone was laughing.
And then I go, at least my gynecologist warms the, fucking, I wrecked the joke, but the whatever.
Speculum?
Speculum before he puts it in.
And then everyone laughed harder at that.
And I got kind of drunk with the attention.
And then I said, I can feel my cunt lips crawling up inside me.
That's the one.
And then the makeup artist complained to Human Resources.
I think she thought this would be a quick cash cow.
Apparently her boyfriend was a lawyer.
And they just said, we'll just ban him and then make sure he's never on the same floor as her.
So every time I was scheduled, she would either be on the second or the first floor away from me because they didn't want to get sued.
And they love the G-Dog so much that they didn't want to.
That is one of those things where you complain, let's say, about food.
So you're predicting you're going to get it free.
And then you get something else and they make it right.
and you're like, no, that's not what I wanted.
She wanted you to...
Yeah, Ryan, analogies are to elucidate something that's foggy.
No, it's not analogy.
Everyone knew what was going on.
Yes, it is an analogy.
No, it's an example of like when you complain to get a certain result and then they give you another result.
Can you just shut up, please?
Yes.
Steven Werner, no pomegranates, bitch.
Pomegranates.
No, no, no, no, no, pomegranates.
Thank you, Stephen, for a two-year-old viral video.
That's very helpful.
I'm sure we discussed it.
I can't really remember two years ago.
Anyway, fuck you.
Thanks for your shit.
Don't send me things that are incredibly popular.
Don't send me viral videos that have millions of views.
I've seen them.
My job is to know what is viral.
What is popular?
What's going around?
When you send me something popular that's two fucking years old, I assume you're in your 60s.
Boomer.
Andy Brownhill, Australia on Fire and Drag Queen Storytime Outrage.
This is what we just talked about.
Blah, blah, blah.
Tell me about the guy.
I don't normally get involved in this sort of social defecation, but in this instance, I felt compelled and simply said that I failed to see the controversy that drag queens are not for kids.
I was utterly flabbergasted.
Don't say flabbergasted.
That's like atrocious and horrid.
I ban those words.
The dictator's going to have banned words.
Whom?
Atrocious, horrid, flabbergasted.
Wearing?
Dapper.
Whenever you wear a suit, people go, wow, you're looking dapper.
Do you know any other fucking adjectives besides dapper?
Jesus Christ.
That this turned out to be an extremely on top popular opinion with majority of commenters, blah, blah, the drag queens.
Do you think that this is in fact the more popular opinion?
So I've already discussed that.
I told you.
70% of Americans think drag queens are not for kids.
I'm sure Australia is about the same.
On another note, the Tranding article is apparently going to sue these protesters.
For what?
Who bloody knows?
Here is a very left article on the matter for reference.
I like you more than a friend.
Drag queens reading to kids.
Why are drag queens reading to kids?
Who made that a thing?
Yeah, the premise is that gay kids are getting bullied.
They're not.
Gay kids are not bullied.
It's cool to be gay in 2020.
But say they were.
Okay, then I'd understand you having a gay guy do story time.
Hi, everyone.
My name's Ray, and I'm here to, I was going to say Rachel.
And I'm here to read a story.
And I'm actually a nice guy.
So if you see a little kid that's like a young me, don't beat him up.
Okay, there's kind of a point there, sort of, but I had to make gay bullying a thing.
But you didn't do that.
You didn't, you took the kookiest, weirdest thing that gays have to offer, which is drag queens.
And I know gays who think drag queens are stupid and gay and ridiculous.
Like my buddy.
What the fuck was his name?
I forgot his name.
Johnny.
Johnny and Roswell.
And Johnny goes, there was this drag queen that was hanging around.
This one I lived upstate.
And his name was Hot Mess.
That was the name of the drag queen, I believe.
And so we talked to her for a bit.
And then I was like, this isn't relaxing.
And he goes, he agreed that Johnny the Fag agreed with me.
And he goes, it's like talking to a clown.
Like, are you a character right now?
Or are you you?
Can we talk about Iran?
Do we talk about how no one was walking?
By the way, I don't cover Iran because I don't give a shit about other countries.
They all suck.
Fuck Iran.
Fuck Hong Kong.
I wish you nothing but the best while you try to fix your shitty country.
I'm not interested.
But yeah, you don't know how to, like, how do you talk to that guy?
When is he done being the character?
And when are you talking about economics?
All right, I think we're running out of time here.
Let's do some more.
This is from a Greek named Stavros.
Gedai, Gavin.
It must be Australian Greek, or as they call them in South Africa, Sikyevas.
Writing to you to get your thoughts on a situation that my mate recently found himself in.
He was dating this super hot psycho.
Oh, I wonder what that's like to have your friend dating a super hot psycho.
Must be weird.
Who was a nine, both in looks and in IQ points.
That's fucking rare.
She either grew up in the country, had a handicapped sibling, or had a parent die at a young age.
For some context, we're all in our 20s and work in the Australian music scene.
They met through mutual friends, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, I don't need context.
After a few months of dating, they moved into an apartment together.
She was a whiny bitch who would start an argument in an empty room, and their relationship was starting to buckle under this pressure.
I'm struggling to care here.
He would frequently share details of their relationship to us, which primarily consisted of arguing about petty bullshit.
You mean like this email?
But this one time it was different.
He explained to us how he occasionally snores at night.
She was so pissed off by this that she forced him to put, and this is in all caps, electrical tape over his fucking mouth while sleeping.
The boys and I were shocked when he told us this, so we did what any good mate would do, brutally take the piss out of him for months.
I could not comprehend this level of pussy, and I was hoping to see what you think about this.
Is it as gay as my mates and I think?
That turned out to be a great letter.
This is why we need masculinity.
This is why men need to be around men.
This is why we need bars.
This is why I invented the Proud Boys.
This is why men's clubs were invented.
We break your balls, and it's to make you a better person.
You are with a lunatic who is literally putting your life in danger.
You could fucking suffocate from that shit.
Dump that stupid, crazy bitch.
She won't have those looks forever, and soon you'll be stuck with an ugly lunatic as opposed to a hot lunatic.
I was saying that all morning, by the way.
For some reason.
It's like a song getting stuck in your head.
Anyway, that's all the time we have for today.
This is a jam-packed episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
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