Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - S02E80 - 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MY FRIENDS

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Oct. 30, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:49:11

S02E80 - 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MY FRIENDS

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	It just got me his pleasure.
	Boomsy pleasure.
	Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
	Music playing.
	Music playing.
	Who designed these?
	How in the Sam hell are we going to wear these for two hours?
	I'm already in hell, and that's the AC blaring.
	I can't hear you too well.
	How does some is someone supposed to wear this at a party?
	Maybe just when you're getting the treats.
	It's so hot.
	And it's getting all moist from the condensation for my breath.
	Yeah, I feel like I'm making out with whoever wore this last.
	No joke, this could be an effective torture for someone.
	Yeah, this is the McCain Manor type stuff.
	Or even a terrorist.
	I don't think you could last very long with this on.
	I don't think I could do five minutes.
	I would admit to a crime I did not commit in this mask.
	let's look at the camera so we have a good thumbnail I've got a special remote here for my pumpkin that I can change colors.
	I can go green or red.
	Just auto.
	I don't think I can do this, dude.
	Yeah, no, I can't hear you that well either.
	It's not good for the job.
	I can hear the people at home screaming at us.
	Oh, God.
	That shouldn't exist.
	You know what I mean?
	It's a mistake.
	It's like a mistake.
	It's a lemon.
	I don't think anyone wears that.
	It's a well-done mask.
	Yeah, so that's probably why it sells at CVS and they make them in China, but it doesn't work.
	It's sort of like when you hear these super loud trucks going, you're not done.
	If you make a truck and it's that loud, well, you're not, you gotta work on the engine, dude.
	It's violating all the New York sound codes.
	You're not finished.
	I remember last year you told me that you put the strap around your chin so that way the mouth moves.
	Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
	One of them I even cut out the mouth.
	Is that that one?
	Yep.
	So you can breathe a little bit better.
	I don't think the mouth moves at all.
	But look at that.
	It's just heat.
	I mean, maybe if it was, I'm going to say, five degrees outside, you might be able to tolerate it.
	Now I feel bad that we're not being Halloween-y.
	Well, I'll bet you even as a hat, it's too hot.
	I have a backup.
	Do you want to be Mario?
	Okay, let's do Mario and Batman.
	That's a little easier to breathe.
	I could be Batman.
	Do you want to be Batman?
	I'd be Mario?
	Or do you want to be Mario?
	I'll be Batman.
	I'm better than you, so I should be better.
	True.
	That was actually a saying we had in high school.
	I forgot all about that.
	In college, Batman.
	The running joke we did in high school was we'd call a guy Robin, like your buddy, like I'd call you Robin.
	So that implies that I'm Batman and I'm better than you.
	And that's you not calling yourself Batman, which is pretty genius, too.
	Without calling yourself Batman outwardly, you're calling.
	Yeah.
	And you pretend you're giving the guy a consolation prize and you're like, you're awesome, too, Robin.
	Like, Batman needs Robin.
	I need you there.
	Yeah, he doesn't need him.
	There was this guy who was fucking my girlfriend, Rosanna Saracino.
	Jonathan.
	Jeez.
	And we would call him Batman because he made me feel like Robin because he stole my gal.
	That's not really a Batman thing to do, though.
	Yeah, it is.
	Steal a girl.
	Batman would steal your gal.
	I hope not.
	He's a gentleman, I thought.
	Hello.
	Welcome to the show.
	Halloween is tomorrow.
	We're all very excited.
	Today is Wednesday.
	It's not Halloween, but I guess we got to dress up tomorrow, too.
	Yep.
	And then the next, so that's what day is that?
	Tomorrow's Thursday.
	And then, so you won't be able to see our funny kids getting scared until Monday.
	Right.
	We'll blur the faces.
	That takes a while anyway.
	The opening song was Alt J. And they did, what's it called?
	Fitzgibbons, Fitzgerald?
	Fitz Pleasure.
	Fitz Pleasure.
	I looked up the lyrics because he sings so weird.
	And the line that I just cut it on, he goes, Tall woman, pull the pylons down and wrap them around the neck of all the feckless men that choose to be the next.
	What?
	What does that mean?
	So...
	So it's more PC bullshit.
	It's not depressing.
	It's just everywhere.
	Tall women are strangling these feckless men that think that they're going to be the next leader.
	Well, they are going to be the next leaders.
	Relax.
	These flannel shirts, too, are way too effective.
	I like the main look, M-A-I-N-E, but it's got to be very chilly.
	Yeah.
	Another thing New Yorkers do, they love the sweater, especially like secular Jewish lawyers.
	They love the sweater with the blazer.
	Isn't that upside down?
	And it is so fucking hot.
	You can maybe pull that off in Britain, where everything is chilling to the bone, but you cannot wear a sweater with a suit in New York, especially in the subway.
	Jesus Christ.
	A sweater vest is too intense.
	Is that upside down?
	No, that's not upside down.
	This show's off to a slow start.
	I don't think people are having a good time.
	I'm blabbing about masks.
	Maybe we should just stop.
	Sometimes we'll have a show where we'll just go, this is not in the cards.
	I remember hearing the Japanese calligraphers, if they would do one bad character, they'd stop and not do any calligraphy for two days because the karma wasn't with them.
	Is this upside down?
	Maybe not.
	I don't care.
	I'm an adult and I'm not very familiar with that game that I played when I was eight.
	Alt J did a thing.
	NPR has this in-store show where they have bands come in and AltJ did an incredible job.
	It's hard for me to talk about these cool hipster bands because I know they would want me dead.
	They would love to slit my family's throat.
	But I like what I like.
	This is my culture.
	I grew up with it.
	And I'm sorry, but the talent here is non-negotiable.
	Yeah.
	That guy with the blonde hair is the one who's like, he's probably doing it with the pretty cellist at the end there, right?
	Ooh, maybe.
	How do they not?
	The lead singer gets whoever he wants.
	You don't think the Salt Shaker boy is getting some?
	No.
	He's getting one of the other cellist leftovers.
	Wouldn't that suck if you blew your way backstage, like you to see Motley Crew?
	So you blow like the sound guy and the roadie and blowing, blowing, blowing.
	And you finally get backstage and everyone is taken but Mick Mars.
	He's like, all right, I'm ready for my BJ now.
	You've already done five.
	Your jaw hurts.
	And you go, wow.
	Mick Mars, huh?
	The one, the crippled one?
	The ugliest guy in rock?
	I don't get sexy Vince Neal or Tommy Lee's gorgeous schlong or Nikki Six in his straight pubes.
	I just made that up.
	Put up Mick Mars.
	Yeah, I'm gonna.
	He is.
	I think he's really short, too.
	He's a four.
	He's married to some European, I think, who's just like, I am married to a man who's in the Motley crew.
	He's a freak.
	So he's a four with all the fame included?
	Oh, that's a tough one.
	He's definitely one of the ugliest.
	Wow.
	What a ghoul.
	He liked the makeup days a little better.
	I like when now they're older, they're just casual.
	Like, I just wear a bit of eyeliner.
	Just some eyeshadow.
	Whoa.
	That's a ghoul.
	I bet he didn't think he was going to get old.
	So I'm in the doghouse.
	My wife and I were having a fight, and that means she wants me out of the house, which means I just sit in a bar.
	And I was in a bar yesterday for like 10 hours, two different bars.
	Didn't come back to the city till 11 o'clock at night.
	I mean, to the burbs.
	And it is fascinating hanging out in a bar.
	The quality of the conversation you get, maybe because people have a buzz, but when you start a day drink at like four, from 4 to 10 p.m., it's just the gossip and the stories.
	Wow.
	At one point, we're in this bar, and this is not in Manhattan.
	I stopped off in the South Bronx on the way home.
	I'm at this bar, and I've been there quite a few times.
	It's old, ugly guys.
	I'm like a male model in that bar.
	I'm breathtaking.
	People gasp when I walk into that bar.
	I feel kind of like I'm pretty far in the...
	Might be scooched.
	Did you scooch some stuff?
	Not to my knowledge.
	I feel like I usually sit here.
	Anyway.
	This is going to freak you.
	No, no, no.
	I think you wanted your head in that cell.
	Right?
	No, I did.
	But I have to go way over here to get my head in that cell.
	So we're at this pub.
	It's all ugly construction dudes, right?
	And there's a chick there who's an 8.1.
	And she's talking to my friend Bill, who is hideous.
	He's probably 65 years old.
	He's a vet, a war vet.
	I think he flew helicopters in Nam or something.
	And I think she blew him.
	No.
	Yeah, and then I was talking to the bartender after, and he goes, oh, yeah, she's fucked everyone in here.
	She's the bartender here.
	And I go, well, we're not at a millennial bar.
	There's no male model.
	I'm a male model here.
	And he's like, yeah, I know.
	It's weird.
	I don't want to fuck her, but she tried to fuck me.
	He goes, she fucked 16 guys in 20 days.
	She kind of brags about it.
	Wow.
	And it was so confusing because I thought, you're a pretty girl.
	You're clearly an infomaniac.
	Isn't there a currency there?
	Don't people want you?
	He goes, yeah, she's had some boyfriends and they all get in fights because she won't stop dating other guys.
	I don't think I've ever come across that before.
	A very attractive whore who has money.
	She's not like a crackhead.
	And she fucks guys that look like your dad.
	All of them.
	In fact, that's kind of a compliment.
	Ugly dads.
	Damn.
	That was weird.
	It's a thing.
	It's like a fetish.
	A lot of girls have ugly fetishes.
	You ever find it weird that they like to do weird stuff like pimples?
	You see that fat guy that's with the pink shirt?
	Yeah.
	That's the kind of range I'm talking about here.
	That's not an exaggeration of what I'm talking about.
	Right.
	In fact, I did a joke.
	I go, Bill, you don't...
	All right?
	You don't have to pay actresses to come in here and pretend to like you just so we'll like you.
	We already like you, Bill.
	How much did you spend on this actress?
	I almost, it started to sound kind of prostitute-y, so I had to go actress really clearly.
	Right.
	I go, what, you go to Ford Modeling Agency and pay some chick to Bill, we like you for who you are.
	This is ridiculous.
	And then people were laughing because it was that absurd.
	But then, this big fat pig comes in, like, he looks like the kind of guy who drives a forklift.
	And I said, You should have seen the fucking piece of tail Bill was just in here with.
	And I go, and then the fat, ugly guy, who honestly looks like one of my dad's friends, white hair, looks, he's probably a retired cop.
	He's like, he starts getting pissed off.
	And I realize he's one of her harem.
	Ah.
	He's like, he's talking about, we'll say Jennifer.
	He's talking about Jennifer, isn't he?
	Fucking damn it.
	Like, they're fighting for her.
	Yeah.
	And your dad is not a good example because he's breathtakingly gorgeous.
	Thank you.
	But, like, my dad.
	This is the level.
	My dad would probably be one of them.
	Isn't that bizarre?
	I don't know.
	I mean, because here's the thing about hotties.
	Okay.
	They're in a realm of hotness and they have a lot to be insecure about because they're competing.
	That's their thing.
	Like a racehorse.
	A racehorse is super faster, a regular horse, but in the racehorse realm, they might lose every fucking race they've ever had.
	So, just bear with me.
	Little encouragement, and this is going to pay.
	Ladies and gentlemen, the shitty detective, Ryan Katsu Rivera.
	And also, hot girls can't see their own hotness, so if they like uglies, then they like uglies.
	Wow, you suck.
	And also, they like popping pimples and doing weird stuff that's unsanitary that you would think is icky to girls.
	Okay, that's enough.
	That's enough out of you for maybe the rest of your life.
	I'm going to get a flood of mailbag being like, dude, he's actually got a point.
	Actually, he's really...
	No.
	No, no.
	She could get anyone she wanted.
	She's out of your league.
	I think you're gorgeous, but you know what I mean.
	I could probably.
	Yeah, right?
	He just used me as like the lithmas test first.
	She's so hot she could get a dream boat like you.
	This mask is annoying me too.
	And it's hot.
	Yeah, this mustache is.
	Folks, when you're choosing Halloween costumes tomorrow, or even maybe, will there be parties this weekend or is that too late?
	Start with comfort first and then decide what you want to do.
	Actually, if you look at the very last video, this would be 2-8, but I didn't number it.
	Ben Affleck was wearing a mask, a full mask, and I know that he has breath in there.
	It's making it so uncomfortable.
	He just wore it as a disguise.
	So what he was definitely doing at this party, he's wasted in the video, is he was wearing it on his head.
	Now, you go to a Halloween party and everyone's wearing this.
	This isn't a mask.
	You have a skull hat on.
	I didn't choose this video because of this subject.
	That's why it's not next.
	But I chose this to say, leave him alone for crying out loud.
	The guy's drunk.
	He can't be drunk?
	Look.
	And he has a driver.
	Whoa.
	Whoops, CDAC.
	All right, bud.
	How you been tonight?
	Celebrities can't do Halloween.
	Have you noticed that?
	Yeah.
	He bought a $5 mask.
	Robert Downey.
	No, no, no.
	Paul Rudd's daughter went as the wasp, and you would think Paul Rudd would go as the Ant-Man, but instead he went as like just a dude.
	He went as weirdo Yankovic.
	Wouldn't you be pissed?
	Yeah.
	I'd be pissed.
	I'd be really mad.
	Speaking of losers getting chicks, let's jump ahead.
	I think 90 Day Fiancé is a scam.
	I think it's woman from shitholes wanting a green card, and the guys who go there are fucking losers.
	There's a show called 90 Day Fiancé in Reverse or something, where these guys go to her terrible, shitty place, like Guatemala.
	And you're looking, and she's sort of going, what is he doing here?
	This is not the deal.
	I did this for tickets.
	I did this for America.
	But there was an article in the post today, 90 Day Fiancé, we're not a sleazy rich guy or a prostitute.
	This guy's in New York.
	He went and got himself a Brazilian model.
	And they're still together two years later.
	So they're saying the show is real.
	We're real.
	This was not a scam.
	I think you're an exception.
	You're anecdotal evidence.
	I don't think that's the pattern.
	The pattern is an exchange.
	I'll give you a ticket to this super awesome country, but you have to fuck me because no one in this super awesome country wants me because I am ugly and I have no social skills.
	They'd be popular at the bar in the South Bronx, though, with Jennifer.
	Jesus Christ.
	Zero standards.
	And the guy who said she wanted to fuck me, but I didn't want to fuck her, he was probably 68 years old.
	Like he's an old man.
	White hair everywhere.
	You know when men get that thing where they start to crumple?
	Yeah.
	My dad has it.
	And they sit cross-legged and they got their beer and their cigarette and they're just like that.
	And it's like someone let the air out of them and they're just going, pssss.
	And that was the quality of you guys.
	It was two guys.
	It was the inflated guy who was like, playing the quick draw.
	And then there was the pss.
	And she just thought, oh, like she's playing some sort of pan flute.
	Maybe she's a demon.
	Like a succubus.
	A succubus.
	Did you come with that theory because of the word suck?
	No, succubus is a thing.
	Yeah, I realize it's a thing.
	Anyway, no more theories from you, please.
	For three years.
	Wow.
	Yeah.
	When Trump...
	So four years.
	But look at this guy.
	This is.
	Oh, I didn't number these.
	Mine's numbered.
	Oh, shoot.
	Can you print out the email properly numbered?
	I didn't print the numbered one.
	But yeah, look at while you're doing that, look at this guy.
	You've never seen Less Game, and it's so obvious that she hates him.
	I guess like a sheath protection bag.
	I put a condom on, have a piece of paper.
	Oh, that's the penis fish.
	That's not the one, but that's good, too.
	I think I've talked about this on the show before.
	Do you know what he's doing?
	No.
	He's going swimming with his new date in whatever they are, Guatemala or some Central American hellhole.
	We need more paper.
	She's not even that hot.
	If you're going to go to the Turd World, get the most beautiful woman they've ever made.
	Get the president.
	Get the president.
	He's scared of the water.
	You can see why he had to go so far away to try to get laid.
	No one anywhere near us wants to sleep with this guy.
	So, what you're not seeing is that he put a condom on.
	Oh, that's what he did.
	Remember that guy?
	Because of that penis fish?
	Oh, yeah, that swims up your peeholes.
	And it's probably happened twice in the history of man.
	There is a fish in the Amazon that senses when you're urinating and will go up your urethra, lock its little barbs in there.
	He thinks they're everywhere.
	So he puts a condom on and pants with boots, little booties, so fish can't swim in and get him.
	Kandiru.
	What a loser.
	I think that same guy, too, he's trying to get citizenship for.
	Now I'm thinking Brazil.
	But it doesn't work out because he has a stalking criminal charge from his previous girlfriend.
	He stalked her.
	I mean, he's basically just the worst guy ever, right?
	So go to the 1-7.
	I think that's what inspired this whole thing.
	Unnumbered pages go in the garbage.
	Look at their beautiful architecture.
	Wait, go back, go back, go back.
	He's in Kenya.
	Kenya is the Manhattan of Africa.
	It's the argument they always use to say, no, no, there's some beautiful places in Africa.
	Kenya is very middle class.
	It's like Canada.
	Really?
	It's just a tall mud hut.
	This is where Obama was born.
	Good morning.
	Good morning.
	She's probably the richest person there.
	It's my last day here in Kenya, and I woke up with Akini as my wife.
	You look thrilled.
	I'm very happy.
	I've went through everything that was requested.
	Just pause.
	All the women in these shadow countries must think that Americans are autistic because every time they get one, he's got Asperger's.
	This guy is right on the spectrum.
	Yeah.
	And that doesn't make pussies wet anywhere in the entire world.
	Not good to stare for that long at a person.
	And we're going to have a happy life together.
	No, you're not.
	She's going to dump you as soon as you enjoy citizenship.
	Oh, he's 33.
	Have a happy life together.
	So did you enjoy everything last night?
	Mm-hmm.
	Yeah, no.
	I did.
	Do I need to go get a satisfaction survey?
	I can't do this.
	I know.
	It's really hard.
	I've never asked a woman if she enjoyed the sex last night.
	They hate talking about it.
	Women don't like to sit down and go, I liked it.
	I liked the first part.
	I liked the sort of oral sex.
	And then it was kind of weird in the middle there.
	And then the part at the end was like, you were a little quick, but it was intense.
	Sure, yeah.
	They don't do that.
	That's not a female thing.
	That's a male thing.
	Men want to know how big were the nipples?
	I know what that means.
	Being married, we can now sleep in the same bed.
	Oh, he's Ben Ratner.
	Yes, he is.
	That's weird.
	And it went well.
	She's pretty.
	The cookie jar was taken care of well.
	Oh.
	He's calling her vagina a cookie jar.
	Look at the look she's giving him.
	By the way, cookie jars are about this big.
	So if you were at a vagina that was a cookie jar and you were giving birth, the baby could just be like, are we good?
	All right, I'm out.
	Don't spank me.
	I'm fine.
	That's crazy.
	What is it?
	He puts it in there and it just bounces around like a bell.
	Like one of those fish that swim up your urethra.
	Chemistry is important.
	This is torture.
	I think we have it.
	Not anymore.
	I think we have it.
	Yes, you can rape me for citizenship.
	We have the chemistry of oil and just other oils.
	You know the guy who asked, why are you gay?
	This is why, because she fucked him.
	Well, let's go ahead and get the day going.
	Still have to.
	He hurts.
	He hurts my skin.
	I feel sad, for real.
	I feel like I have radiation.
	He's keen.
	Look at that microwave shelf.
	We're married now.
	Wait a minute.
	Oh, that's insane.
	But wait a minute.
	She said the daughter, I guess he has to pay a dowry, like five goats or something.
	And the mother said no.
	King's father didn't accept my initial offer during the bride price.
	So I agreed to pay more money in the future.
	That leaves me with anxiousness.
	Anxiety is the term you queef.
	Yeah, queef is a good definition for that.
	That's sad, man.
	That's really a bummer.
	Yeah, it is.
	Well, one of my favorite couples on it was the Jamaican guy.
	So this woman gets divorced.
	Her husband cheats on her.
	She's a normal blonde.
	She's got a very, really Hamilton, Ontario vibe.
	Maybe they're in Michigan.
	And that's her on the left.
	They're the blonde.
	So she goes partying in Jamaica with her friends.
	And she meets, she's like 38, 40.
	She meets a 19-year-old Jamaican named Jay and she bones him a bunch.
	Guess what that means?
	We're in love.
	We're clearly in love.
	I'm having sex with a teenager in a shithole country and I'm a rich white woman.
	Ergo, this is Romeo and Juliet.
	So she flies him back to Wisconsin or whatever the hell they are.
	And you're not going to believe this, but he starts fucking everything that moves.
	And she finds him on dating apps where he goes, it was just, well, Guan, I was just communicating back and forth, you know, just doing like a text message.
	And by the way, you cheat on your new wife.
	Your green card's ripped up.
	You're gone back.
	The ice shows up.
	So, in a way, that's kind of like rape.
	You're kind of a sex slave because there's this sword of Damocles hanging over your head.
	She can send you back.
	Oh my god.
	What if that's part of the appeal for them?
	They're just like, I can control you.
	Hey, could you take the garbage out?
	I'm kind of busy, you know.
	Oh, really?
	Would you be busy in Camp Town?
	In Jamaica, in Kingston?
	No, I'll take out the garbage.
	My schedule just cleared up.
	But that's not the case here.
	This guy is a, well, he's a normal teen for crying out loud.
	Okay, go back to the beginning.
	It was a mistake.
	What are you thinking?
	Why?
	It was just a mistake, and I wasn't going to have no one come over by the house.
	It was a mistake.
	But you just married the person who you're supposed to love.
	Right, so what happens when you're at your seven-year itch and you're having trouble?
	Then what do you do?
	If this is what you do three days after you got married, what do you do when you actually are having troubles in your marriage?
	Because as far as I was concerned, we weren't having any issues.
	Ashley, you felt confident about marrying Jay.
	Is she defending him, saying he just had the seven-year itch in three days?
	Yeah.
	What do you do?
	Now, when it's seven years comes up, he gets no pass.
	He just spends his money early.
	Yeah, that's fine.
	That's okay.
	He's like Ryan Katsuberry.
	He's in pussy debt.
	Yes.
	He's got his pussy debt early.
	Even after backing out of two other engagements.
	Yeah, he's slick.
	Like, I didn't see that coming.
	He had me totally fooled that he actually loved me.
	So you guys were good.
	Yeah, we are.
	So what are you saying?
	I don't love you right now.
	I don't know.
	It was just a misunderstanding.
	That's not a misunderstanding.
	I wish I could go back.
	You don't misunderstand downloading an app and talking to multiple women.
	That's not a misunderstanding.
	Can I talk?
	Let him talk.
	It was just a misunderstanding.
	I wish I could go back.
	Ticker's learning is like.
	That's the situation I was talking about at the bar yesterday.
	Except this Jennifer's way harder.
	But that was the kind of quality dude.
	Go back and fix it.
	I would do any fucking thing just to fix it.
	He gave me a screw up and I know that I screw up.
	So don't act like I...
	Don't tell me how to act.
	Like, don't even fing tell me how to act.
	All right.
	You f ⁇ ed up.
	Take it on the chin.
	Simple.
	Just don't even try to defend yourself because you sound like an idiot.
	Why are we sitting here watching TV as a show?
	Her fat friend was trying to get her to stop.
	Anyway, they're no more.
	You don't know 2-0.
	Yeah.
	Every single person with that exception who is watching that show is just sitting there eating popcorn going, oh, will you give me a break?
	Your fat friend is right.
	So he says, I can't go back to Jamaica.
	I'll be killed.
	For what?
	He's trying to claim refugee status.
	We're in earrings.
	Yeah, there's a culture in Jamaica where if you get dumped, you become a persona non grata.
	But scroll down to the bottom of that while the video loads.
	Can you read some of that?
	I can't read it very well.
	Let's see, which part.
	Oh, yeah, read the last paragraph.
	Okay.
	Bad intentions aside, Ashley was sad that Jay was arrested and then detained by immigration.
	This is a very sad situation overall.
	I'm not popping champagne bottles celebrating today, Ashley told Celebuzz.
	It's hard to sit here and think about how he's sitting in a jail cell right now, but I also have to remember everything he put me through the past year.
	I still have a great deal of love for him, so it isn't easy.
	Picturing my husband in jail is the worst feeling in the world.
	In the world.
	Why?
	What was his crime?
	I hate asking you things.
	It's so frustrating.
	It's like asking my son, my youngest son, my six-year-old.
	He always says, actually, I feel like...
	I feel like the first bicycles probably had no handlebars.
	Oh.
	He's arrested for violating a protection from abuse filed by a strange wife, Ashley Marston.
	One of his friends started a GoFundMe account on Thursday to raise money so he could be released.
	So a strange wife.
	So they're still technically married.
	They never got divorced.
	So she kicked him out of the house and then he kept stalking her.
	So she called the cops.
	Now he's in jail.
	He's going to be deported.
	Yeah.
	That's a weird form of slavery, isn't it?
	Yeah.
	Look, she's his little, my little pet black slave.
	And if he does anything wrong, jail.
	Poor kid.
	Poor little stupid teen.
	He's just a teenager.
	Remember when you were 19?
	She has motives.
	He doesn't.
	When I was 19, I would do any drug you put in front of me and screw anything that moved.
	I'm so lucky to be alive.
	We used to do a thing called Danger Zone, where we'd stand on my friend's truck and as he ripped down the suburban streets and surf it.
	Yeah, Danger Zone, Danger Zone.
	Jing.
	We played chicken, driving at each other.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Oh, it makes me nauseous to remember.
	Yeah, being in some of the races, we used to do races around these tight, winding roads, and that's not smart.
	You know, then you got to be your 20s, and then the races you do are like Asian, black, white, Armenian.
	These are even more dangerous races.
	Donald Glover.
	Donald Glover.
	More dangerous, I got it.
	Donald Glover has a thing where he goes, I like doing the black chicks of other races.
	Like, I like sleeping with Filipinos because they're the black chicks of Asians.
	And he goes, I like screwing Armenian girls because they're like the black girls of white girls.
	That's hilarious.
	I thought you just mentioned Donald Glover's own race.
	Speaking of doing acid, that reminds me of there's been some victories in the war on comedy.
	And I was noticing, you know, when I did a, I had a bet with Louis J. Gomez, and I said, comedy is easy.
	You guys talk about the front lines.
	You're on the front lines of comedy.
	It's a cinch.
	I could do it with my hand behind my back.
	And he goes, oh, yeah, I'll bet you, $100.
	So I went to the stand, and I did very hilarious comedy.
	Half of it was, it was all improv.
	Aaron Burke had just come out talking about how disgusting foreskins are.
	And I came out saying they're not that bad.
	And I pulled my penis out.
	Banned from the club forever.
	I can never perform there again.
	And they banned the footage and all this stuff.
	Very mad.
	But it was a good set.
	I came out and I said, that applause could have done better.
	And I think I know one of the reasons you're so quiet is because I'm racist.
	And that's kind of shitty because it's racist.
	And you're doing the thing that you're mad at me for.
	I had a little Nate Bargatzi kind of pause.
	Is this what we're doing here?
	Anyway.
	Lewis.
	Oh, yeah.
	So when I got in trouble for that, I was thinking, I'm from a different kind of New York.
	I moved here in the 90s.
	And I remember Joe Coleman biting the head off a mouse.
	And he had dynamite all over him, firecracker, sorry.
	And I remember Gigi Allen coming to town.
	That was the guy who did the Joker.
	His first movie was a documentary on Gig Allen.
	Gig Allen used to throw feces into the crowd and stuff.
	Like when we had the Vice 10-year anniversary in 2004, I was dressed as a Nazi skinhead, and we had Japanese puke porn playing on the wall, and we were midget tossing.
	We had midgets we were throwing.
	It was declared illegal months after that party.
	So that's my sort of context.
	And what I see now, and I'm realizing, Clown World is gray.
	They want gray.
	Did you see that?
	Paul Joseph Watson was talking about this.
	That's a soundbite.
	We don't do sound bites.
	Yeah, this is number 29.
	Clown World.
	This just won the Architecture Award.
	Wow.
	It's a Russian interrogation room for spies.
	Like, what the hell is happening to Clown World?
	Great.
	You'd think Clowns would be a little more colorful.
	And I was checking in on Luis J. Gomez, the guy who challenged me that comedy off.
	And I thought, comedy's not dead.
	Like, he reminds me of the dangerous old New York, the scary New York, the sort of pre-Juliani New York where you'd get mugged in Times Square.
	And the art used to reflect that.
	And comedy is art.
	And the way these guys behave, like Ari Shafir here at Legion of Skanks, this is him dosing Luis J. Gomez.
	I think this might be a joke.
	It's a candy or something.
	But the thing they're lampooning is when Ari dosed with, was it MDMA or acid?
	I thought it was Molly.
	Molly?
	Okay, so ecstasy.
	He gave MDMA to Burt Kreischer, the guy who always has his shirt off.
	Isn't that intense?
	Yeah.
	Now, I'm talking about how I like, you know, danger and stuff in art, but that's too much for me.
	That is, I consider dosing someone, especially LSD.
	That is like rape and kidnapping at the same time.
	Because you're taking them away on a journey.
	I'm glad I did ACID as a young man.
	So is Steve Jobs.
	So was the man behind the DNA, the guy who taught us how to sequence DNA.
	He's really happy he did ACID.
	But that's when I was a little kid and had zero problems.
	Now I got friends in prison.
	I got lawsuits.
	I got tax.
	I got three kids.
	I'm worried about them all the time.
	Stress, constant stress.
	There's so much shit I could bad trip on that if you were to dose me, I mean, that's like, I would stab you.
	I would cut your mother's ear.
	Just like a little slit from behind.
	I'd run up and just with a butterfly knife and she'd be like, ah, f.
	And she'd be traumatized.
	That's for getting off easy, though.
	It's, it's.
	You need to live your day out.
	Maybe people who haven't done drugs don't realize how consequential that is.
	A bad trip is hell.
	Your brain comes up with the worst possible scenario.
	Actually, you kind of get it from the horrors.
	You know what that reminds me of?
	That's pretty bad because you know everything's real.
	When you're on acid, at least you could be like, this is acid.
	Yeah.
	Sometimes.
	Someone emailed me something about the horrors.
	Yeah, that was the thing where your body...
	From James.
	The phenomenon of waking up at 4 a.m. afternoon of drinking wide awake with terrifying thoughts running through your mind.
	However, you incorrectly attribute this experience to the effects of dehydration in the liver robbing the brain of water in order to remove toxins from the body.
	That is a true thing, and I've talked to doctors about this extensively, that your hangover is your liver borrowing brain water because it ran out of water here to clean your blood.
	But he's saying that's not why you get woken up with the horrors.
	That's a separate thing.
	Two chemicals in your brain responsible for sleep and wakefulness are GABA, GABA, and glutamate.
	GABA causes relaxation and promotes sleep.
	Glutamate is an excitatory neurotransmitter that promotes wakefulness, but also causes anxiety in large amounts.
	Alcohol mimics GABA in the brain.
	It also blocks glutamate.
	This is why you feel relaxed, tired, and less anxious when you drink.
	However, your brain says, uh-oh, something's wrong here.
	Too much GABA, right?
	That's the sedative.
	We're out of balance.
	We need to shut down GABA production and start really pumping out glutamate.
	So for the first few of the night, the alcohol wins, but then the last of the alcohol is metabolized, and you can no longer ignore this flood of glutamate.
	So your brain flips on like a switch, and you are wide awake wondering if you remembered to lock the front door.
	As a fellow alcoholic, I hope one day medical science will find a cure for the scourge of the horrors.
	Speaking.
	Spooky.
	Wow, we really got off topic here, didn't we?
	I wanted to get back to the bar, because there was this one guy.
	Uh...
	Um, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...
	Yeah, I was talking to this barmaid, and she was saying that her baby daddy just got married, and she always had it in the back of her head that maybe he's going to come back and be a father to her daughter, but that's not happening.
	And I was...
	They're going to get divorced anyway.
	He was never going to be a dad.
	He's not worth it.
	You can do better, girl.
	It leaks into Their politics and the way they vote, the way they handle everything.
	And it's a natural tendency.
	Women have the optimism gene.
	They're born more agreeable than men.
	And they say, Hey, Jimmy, you drew a really cool picture there.
	Whereas we build businesses and stuff, and our fear is that we're going to be wasting your time.
	So we go, They're never going to buy that.
	We don't want it.
	Move along.
	It's like with bums.
	We just, hey, man, can you, no?
	Okay.
	So I first started being agreeable with her, and I realized I'm becoming a woman because I'm trying to ingratiate myself with her.
	Like I'm trying to be popular, basically.
	So I started saying, oh, they're going to get divorced and blah, blah, blah.
	And then I said, he made a bad investment.
	He's a loser.
	The reason he was a junkie for so long is because he has a weak personality.
	And you wasted all your time thinking about him.
	Now you have a beautiful daughter.
	She has some unfortunate genes.
	But otherwise, you just got to move forward and block him out of your mind.
	It's a waste of time to think about.
	I felt better like that, but I was no longer a fun person to talk to.
	Got to get real.
	And being good at it, if you will.
	And then I met this guy who got fucking, he had PTSD basically from his divorce.
	He was twitching.
	And I said, you're like a Vietnam vet.
	And he goes, my dad's a Vietnam vet, but he's dating this woman.
	So the high school that they used to live there in the South Bronx is a disgusting shithole that sucks.
	But there's a really good one.
	Maybe it was Bronx Science down the street, but they don't live there.
	So she says, why don't you get a tiny, tiny little studio apartment and rent it so then we can be in the school district, right?
	We'll make that your address.
	And then he can go to the good school.
	And he goes, okay, whatever.
	So he buys it.
	It just sits there.
	And then she goes, you know what I just read?
	They will do, they bust into these places to make sure you're living there.
	You can go to jail.
	And he goes, oh, shit.
	So he goes to IKEA and buys some cutlery and a shitty bed.
	And she goes, you should probably stay there a few nights a week.
	And he goes, oh, okay.
	Okay.
	Works in sanitation.
	A simple man.
	A simple kind of man.
	Shit, I totally forgot about the Lewis thing.
	I'm all over the place today, but we'll get back to that.
	And he said they kept pushing the time that he spent there.
	And then the boy wanted to stay there some nights.
	So he'd stay there sometimes the whole week.
	Meanwhile, this was all her divorce attorney's plan to get him out of the house.
	Wowie.
	She had been partying.
	Divorce is contagious, just like suicide.
	These things happen in groups.
	And her friends were out partying and getting tons of money.
	Oh my God, I get half his fucking salary.
	And they're having a gay old time.
	And you should do it too.
	And if you don't want to fuck him anymore, you don't have to.
	God, he's so gross and fat.
	Fuck it.
	So she starts partying with them.
	They come up with this plan.
	The divorce attorney sets it up.
	And then when she files for divorce, she just goes, he left us.
	I mean, he's got his own apartment.
	Oh, my gosh.
	Kids won't speak to him.
	They're estranged.
	He texts them all the time.
	Sometimes the daughter will text him back.
	I might start crying if I talk about this too much.
	It's terrible.
	The son hates him, not speaking to him.
	She's just poisoned them against him.
	And so his alimony child support is more than half of his salary.
	So what he does is he works four days a week sanitation, 12-hour days, and then he works three days a week, we're now up to seven, driving a taxi around.
	Oh.
	That's a horror story.
	Well, that goes back to the Lewis thing, where when you're this age, someone's dosing you.
	That's pretty darn intense.
	I mean, I can't handle it.
	But that's what comedy in New York City should be.
	It should ostracize old men like me with three kids.
	I should be shocked.
	I'm shocked.
	I'm offended.
	I'm triggered.
	It should make me feel like a snowflake.
	So much of it is just Trump sucks.
	Yeah.
	You just transform somebody's brain into a torture chamber, potentially.
	Yeah, that's Gigi Allen.
	Pretty personal.
	That's biting the head off a rat.
	Turning you into a rat and biting your head off.
	But look at, you know what else he did?
	This is 2-3.
	He blew on stage.
	Now, folks, this is not, I should warn you, we don't show porn on this network.
	This is not a real penis.
	But if you go to actually 2-4, so that's that time Robert College's Orally Pleasure by Another Comedian Live on Stage, right?
	Go to the next one.
	They show it.
	This is it.
	No volume, thankfully.
	That's not real.
	I would hope the volume would be like boo if there was.
	Or just silence.
	You hear like a little bit of cutlery of a fork or something.
	You hear like, ooh.
	Maybe a phone ring.
	So when I saw that, I sent it to Kumia, Anthony Kumia, and I go, is the envelope getting pushed a little too far?
	And he texts me back something like, what the fuck did I just see?
	And then it took like a week to find out that it was a prosthetic.
	Yeah, yeah.
	And it was just a joke.
	Again, I'm offended.
	I'm triggered.
	That's too intense.
	Meanwhile, I'm kicked off the stage for pulling my dick out in a relevant context.
	But yeah, this, the Legion of Skanks gives me hope because these guys have balls.
	Lewis started a big war with Nicole Arbour in Toronto where they were on some podcast.
	And she talked about, oh, yeah, I'm a comedian.
	And they go, aren't you just like a YouTuber and Instagrammer?
	No, I did that on the side.
	I mostly stand-up.
	She doesn't really do stand-up.
	And he just totally humiliated her.
	And that started a whole war with their fans.
	Fun shit like that.
	So I thought I would give you some good news about the war on comedy and say that there's still some good shit going on.
	And then Dave Chappelle, who, by the way, has just been, he's just a gift from God.
	He said, Well, you can hear it.
	Play it.
	Political correctness has its face, its place.
	Excuse me.
	We all want to live in a polite society.
	We just have to kind of work on the levels and come to an agreement of what that actually looks like.
	I personally am not afraid of other people's freedom of expression.
	I don't use it as a weapon.
	It just makes me feel better.
	And I'm sorry if I hurt anybody, etc., etc., yada, yada, yada.
	Everything I'm supposed to say.
	Everything I'm supposed to say.
	He also said that he likes the Second Amendment.
	And he goes, the Second Amendment is there in case someone ignores the first.
	He also said that the First Amendment is first for a reason.
	Triple whammy.
	All right.
	So, yeah, I had a bunch of examples of talking to people at that bar.
	I wish the story of that guy who got screwed over in the divorce and can't see his kids.
	Why isn't that on the news?
	We hear so much crap on the news.
	Racity, race, race, race, all this made-up jargon.
	There was one article I was reading that was such utter crap.
	1-5.
	You know the show Fresh Off the Boat?
	A little Chinese kid on it.
	Well, his dad is this raging pussy who uses all this stupid trigger snowflake crap to bitch about society and talk about how Trump's America, white supremacy, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	So he calls it an insidious validation of the white male resentment that helped bring President Donald Trump to power.
	So click on the actual CNN link, but he says, while many viewers have focused on Fleck as an incel hero, his status as sexless loner who turns to violence, the true nature of the movie's appeal, is actually broader.
	And then it's the insidious validation of white male resentment that helped bring Donald Trump to power.
	Joker at its core is the story of the forgotten man, the metaphoric displaced and disenfranchised white man whose goodwill has been abused and whose status has been reduced.
	A man who has been crushed underfoot by the elite, dragged down by equality, damage-demanding feminists, and climbed over by upstart, non-white and immigrant masses.
	This old trope.
	That's got nothing.
	That's not what the Joker's about.
	The Joker's about the war on masculinity in general, the war on men in general.
	His girlfriend's black.
	Racity, racist.
	I don't want to see any more of this.
	It's so tedious.
	I want to see an article about men who get screwed over in divorce.
	I've never seen one.
	I want to hear a bunch of bum deals, and I want them all to be blue-collar.
	And they show the guy, the sanitation guy, ending his shift, taking out, he's been lifting fridges into a truck all day, and then show him driving his taxi.
	Yeah, I wish my daughter still talks to me sometimes, but I call them every two days, and I buy them birthday presents.
	I mean, you stole someone's children.
	That's every man's worst nightmare.
	I mean, if you're dead to your children, it's like your children are dying.
	That's consequential.
	And that affects, I don't know, a third of the country.
	We're still at roughly a 50% divorce rate.
	And I'm going to assume that men get screwed most of the time.
	We know they get screwed with custody.
	I mean, your dad sure got screwed with custody.
	Luckily, he didn't want you, so it wasn't an issue.
	He sent some money, but then I told him to stop eventually.
	Around 18.
	Told him to stop.
	How much would he send?
	I got...
	So it was a substantial amount.
	Enough to give me $200.
	$200 a month, but your mom would take like $120, $130, so $70 a month?
	No, no, no.
	I would get like $130 to $200.
	So she would take the rest of it.
	$130.
	It's probably a couple hundred a month.
	$130 times.
	So you got $1,500 a year.
	That's not a lot of money, my friend.
	No.
	You got gypped.
	Abuse.
	You see these abused men?
	They take it?
	I'm sorry I have so much bar talk, but it's relevant to this green screen video.
	Then this guy comes in, and he was saying the most Islamophobic shit I've ever heard in my life.
	In fact, it was so much that I assumed he was a cop trying to get me to say something like Project Veritas me.
	Because he comes in and he goes, I fucking hate Muslims.
	Like right out of the blue.
	You know what we got to do is nuke Mecca, but we don't have the balls to do it.
	He goes, I could kill every single one of them right now and just sit here and finish my beer.
	He was well-dressed.
	He looked middle class.
	Isn't that bizarre?
	Yeah.
	And so I was laughing because it was absurd.
	I would laugh the way if someone came in and said they want to kill all the albinos.
	I would laugh and I'd say, why are you gay?
	But I was very careful about what I said because I didn't trust him.
	And then I said to the bartender, does this guy check out?
	And he goes, yeah, yeah.
	He comes in here all the time.
	All right, because that was cartoonish.
	That was cartoonish Islamophobia.
	And then some other guy comes in and he's sitting down and he goes, hey, Gavin McInnes.
	Hey, he's talking about guns.
	And I think, this guy seems like a cop too.
	He wants me to say I have a gun or something.
	It was a very, but I checked in with him and he checked out too.
	Anyway, it was a weird day.
	But the reason I bring this up is because I've noticed when I hang out, my audience, audience, my, the people that I enjoy being around tend not to be intellectuals.
	And I know some smart people and I like them.
	Ann Coulter is incredibly stimulating to have dinner with.
	But for the most part, they're too low-T, not Anne.
	So I tend to like blue-collar, lower-middle-class type of people.
	Because we can joke more.
	And that's, I tend also to sort of gravitate towards blacks when we're at a kid's party.
	Because the male dads, I think I told you this story before.
	We went to see Big Hero 6 at a birthday party.
	It was projected on a wall.
	This is back when I lived in Williamsburg.
	And the dads were so excited about the movie and couldn't wait to sit with their son and watch the movie at the birthday party.
	you're not invited to the birthday party, dude.
	And they all had kookie socks: orange, striped.
	I guess J. Crew was selling kooky socks that year.
	Ugh.
	And if there's one thing that's great about a birthday party, he's not your responsibility at all.
	You just drop him off.
	You could go shoot heroin in your eyes, as long as you're okay to drive when the party's over.
	And you want him to play with his friends.
	You don't want a helicopter around him.
	So I go over to the, they had a little table set up with wine.
	No beer, just wine.
	This is Brooklyn.
	And the only guys that aren't sitting with their sons are the two black guys.
	And we get along great.
	This is before the media had convinced everyone that I'm a Nazi.
	Although that guy, one of those guys contacted me after all this shit and he said, man, if I can do anything, I was like, yeah, let's take a picture together and I'll put it on t-shirts.
	Publicity stunt.
	Yeah.
	But he gave me a great tip at that party.
	You know what it is?
	You get a box, a really nice box.
	Ideally, it locks, but doesn't have to if your kids aren't too nosy.
	And that's your sex box.
	So you know what's in there?
	Should be big.
	High-heel shoes, lingerie, sex toys.
	That's all in the box.
	So then when it's time to do something kinky with your wife, you pull out the box.
	It's the best advice I've ever received in a marriage.
	That's good.
	Or else like, can you put on lingerie?
	Oh, okay.
	Well, I think I have one of the stockings here.
	Where's the other one?
	Maybe it's in the laundry.
	And then it's like, forget it.
	But this is like the box.
	You got to lock that thing up.
	And you don't have to say, want to have sex.
	You just pull out the box.
	You think I got to lock it up?
	Yeah.
	I don't see my kids snooping around.
	That's a gold mine.
	And I'm not ashamed of what's in there.
	There's no like double dongs or anything.
	It's just lingering.
	It's got that lube smell.
	No, there's no lube involved.
	Okay.
	Anyway, so yeah.
	We're playing quick draw in there, and I want to make fun of how stupid it is to play, but everyone is playing it.
	So I have to sort of be politically correct with the working classes and say, yeah, well, I remember we played the other day.
	Yeah.
	I just was playing out of courtesy the other day, and I lost like 30 bucks playing this stupid game.
	Which brings me to...
	10 things I hate about my friends or 10 things I can't say around my friends.
	10 things I can't criticize?
	music
	10 things I can't make fun of because my friends do them.
	I don't know who I'm supposed to be hanging out with, but the people that I hang out with, I guess it tends to be more working class, more high T. Maybe that's what defines who you hang out with.
	Like, people say it's IQ.
	I have a pretty high IQ, but I don't really like intellectuals because they're pussies.
	I like horny alpha guys who tell offensive jokes.
	So I guess that ends up pairing me with working class people.
	Although not everyone in this list is working class anyway, I shouldn't be pontificating in an important list like this.
	Here are the 10 things I can't make fun of because my friends do them.
	Number one, flip-flops.
	I'd love to sit and bitch about flip-flops to my friend Mike, but he's wearing them.
	Now there's a million reasons why flip-flops are wrong.
	What if someone slaps your girl is the common refrain.
	That might even be worth a t-shirt.
	Yeah, what if someone slaps your girl?
	And then it's a pair of flip-flops crossed out.
	You see these fights in the street where someone's protecting themselves?
	Your job as a dude is to be on guard.
	You're working security, whether you're walking with your wife and kids or your girlfriend, you're a security guard.
	And you should keep your hands up and be ready for something bad to happen, especially in a big city like New York or a horrible, dangerous city like D.C. You got to be on your guard, especially on the subway with all the loonies.
	And if you have flip-flops on, then while you're fighting, your toe is coming out, then it's gone.
	And now you're running around in your bare feet fighting guys.
	What?
	Ugh.
	And no one wants to look at your fucking toes, dude.
	I am so happy we're now approaching November because the summer in New York is, maybe it's gays, I don't know, but guys wearing suits with flip-flops.
	They're everywhere, just men's toes.
	One time I was at a bar, 2A, it's called, and there were some millennials there.
	And it was the upstairs part.
	They had these sort of couches with these low-slung tables.
	And this guy has his flip-flop foot on.
	He removes it.
	And then he just sort of rests his toes on one of the bars of the low table like a little monkey man.
	Jesus Lord.
	And I wish I could sit here and bond with my bros, but half the time when I'm trying to do that, they're wearing those horrible fucking shoes, especially you Australians.
	Number two, allowing women to drive.
	I am pro-Sharia law when it comes to women driving.
	I can't imagine sitting in the passenger seat, but I have these friends in New York who grew up in the Bronx and Manhattan, and they never driven a car before.
	So they marry a woman who's from the Midwest, and she's like, I drove every day.
	So he goes, well, it's probably safer if you do it then.
	So some woman is deciding like where to turn and stuff as he, what, checks Instagram?
	That just feels weird to me.
	And women can't drive.
	I'm sorry, maybe a couple of lesbians can.
	I knew a guy in Costa Rica who rented ATVs and he would never rent a woman unless they were lesbians.
	And this is a guy whose bottom line is money, and it's just too expensive to let women drive those things.
	But I'm just relaying a story here.
	Don't shoot the messenger.
	But women always go slow in the fast lane.
	And every time, the few times my wife has driven, I'll just see people passing us in the slow lane.
	You're supposed to feel shame when that happens.
	You're supposed to go, oh, Jesus, sorry, and get into the slow lane as soon as possible.
	Women just, oh, cars are passing me.
	Keep on going.
	Number three, scratch-offs.
	I'm dying to make fun of scratch-offs.
	In fact, that kind of started this whole idea for this green screen because way back when I first moved to New York, I would go to this local bodega to buy my Budweisers.
	And the bodega owner Goes, can I interest you in a scratch-off today, sir?
	And I go, no, thanks.
	I don't pay stupid tax.
	And I was because it's owned by the state, these stupid fucking scratch offs, you're not going to win.
	You have a dysfunction in your mind called selective memory.
	If you think you're good at blackjack, you have selective memory.
	You're remembering, cherry-picking that one time you won, and you're forgetting all the times you lost.
	The house always wins.
	The state always wins.
	You're not going to win.
	Yes, I know you won $18 three days ago.
	You spent about $70 trying to recreate that moment with your fucking quick draws.
	So there's two things here.
	At the blue-collar bars, quick draws are huge.
	And they print them out.
	And, oh, I got 17.
	Oh, I got 48.
	What are we?
	Old Chinese ladies playing Mahjong?
	What are you doing?
	And then the scratch-offs, I'd love to bitch about the stupid tax, but everyone at my boxing gym always is scratching away.
	You go downstairs to try to buy a Gatorade or something.
	There's a lineup of people buying Scratch-Offs.
	And I just want to say, you're paying your stupid taxes.
	You're paying your stupid tax.
	You're paying your stupid tax.
	I'm actually venting right now because I can't normally do this.
	Because pretty much, I would say 50% of the people I speak to on a weekly basis play either Scratch Offs or Quick Draw or one of these other stupid.
	Scratch Offs is more minorities, black people.
	And Quick Draw is referred to at my local pub as white man crack.
	Can't make fun of them.
	Here's another thing that I'd love to make fun of when I go out and chat to people and bitch about life.
	I fucking hate when people have two cell phones.
	You have a work phone and a private phone, but I can't vocalize that because, oh, sorry, I forgot a part.
	When I said that thing at the bodega, no stupid tax today, I look over and there's some black dude in a suit with a trench coat and he's got about seven and he's scratching them off and he sort of looks at me and I look at him like, oh, sorry.
	You're going to win.
	You'll win.
	Other people are not going to win.
	And that's what happened at this bar the other day when I was going, what kind of fucking idiot has two cell phones?
	You can't program both email, personal and work email on the same phone.
	If you're too busy, don't answer it.
	You don't have to be a slave to a phone.
	It's up to you whether you answer it or not.
	What, you put it in a little safe on Friday night and then don't touch it?
	That's my work phone.
	You're not mature enough to suffer.
	And then as I'm ranting, I look over and I see my buddy Tim going, it's just easier for me to sort through.
	And I look down.
	There's two fucking phones charging.
	What?
	Kids movies, number five.
	Ryan, my trusty sidekick, is such a retarded loser that he goes to children's movies.
	There's different tiers with this.
	He's at the bottom and he goes to like Aladdin and stuff.
	And you know that trailer where the nerd is watching the new Star Wars and he's going, oh, that's Ryan alone at a movie theater watching Aladdin going, oh, whoa.
	He sits near the front.
	Oh, he's flying.
	Go get him.
	You can do it.
	Yay, Wal-E.
	And then above that, but still irritating, is superhero movies.
	And people are talking, yeah, that's pretty cool.
	Well, actually, what happened?
	And they discuss it intellectually.
	Like, yeah, Thanos was actually trying to save the world because overpopula, blah, blah, blah.
	So then what's happening with Black Panther?
	Is he him and Captain America are going to fucking fly around?
	What am I?
	Eight years old?
	And then worse than that is Star Wars.
	Discussing, oh, did you hear the director is no longer working with fucking Lewis Gossett Jr. or whatever the fuck?
	I don't care about a children's movie.
	But I can't bitch about it to my friends, especially at the boxing gym, because more than one of them have Star Wars tattoos of the Millennium Falcon or something.
	And they'll come into the gym and be like, did you see it last night?
	Pretty crazy.
	Yeah.
	Fucking Darth Vader was flying or whatever.
	My kids don't even like Star Wars movies.
	You know why?
	My children are too mature.
	They didn't enjoy the last Star Wars.
	They kept asking me to take them to go pee.
	And I'd be there with my little six-year-old and maybe two drops would come out.
	He was just trying to kill time.
	So kids don't even like your kids' movies.
	And superheroes were invented for loser eight-year-olds who were getting picked on because they are abnormally skinny and have lymphnoma or cystic fibrosis or hemophilia.
	And that poor bastard goes at home and cries.
	So a cathartic release for him is to flip through a book where the stupid loser Peter Parker ain't no loser after all.
	He can swing and fly and shoot bad guys and get revenge, but he can't tell anyone how powerful he is.
	And then he goes back to school and he's a mild-mannered kid that gets shoved.
	It's a fantasy for losers.
	You're an adult.
	Is Biff shoving you at work and stealing your lunch money?
	Oh, this is good to get off my chest.
	Number six, speaking of kids, dating kids.
	I think it's fucked up to be in a relationship with someone more than 10 years younger than you, but a lot of guys I know are doing it.
	I have one guy, we'll call him Edward.
	His wife is 40 years younger than him.
	40 years.
	And I was talking, we have a common friend.
	This is hard because I don't want to be insulting him.
	This is the whole problem.
	Ann.
	And I go, I hate when we go out to dinner and he sits me with the child.
	I don't want to talk to a little kid.
	And Anne goes, exactly.
	I'm not fucking her.
	She's not my problem.
	Like, you can have, if the sex is great and your previous wife got too tired or not horny enough, whatever, that's none of my beeswax.
	But just keep it at home.
	Stop bringing them out and I have to sit there and go, hello, yes.
	Oh, yeah, I know.
	I hate that meme.
	That's so boomer.
	And you can tell that she's kind of frustrated because he never wants to go out because he's fucking old.
	Anthony Kumia.
	There's a guy right there.
	His girlfriend is like eight years old.
	I don't know how fucking old she is.
	No, she's probably 29 or something.
	But still, I'd love to bitch and moan and make fun of people with young girlfriends or young wives.
	And I know, like, not 10, but at least four.
	So I just have to go, oh, well, Sha-Kun Song-gu to each his own.
	You never know.
	You can't pick who you love.
	What the fuck do they talk about?
	And that brings us to number seven, another crime of Anthony Cumius, who I revere deeply.
	I think he's a wonderful guy.
	I think he's abnormally funny.
	He's gifted, very quick and sharp, too.
	Not unlike his sidekick, Artie Lang, who cocained himself to oblivion.
	But video games.
	Video games.
	How do we get to a nation where men playing video games for maybe six, seven hours is just a thing to do?
	And the arguments are pathetic.
	It's actually like a movie.
	You're just watching a movie.
	A movie has a story, you turd.
	There's no story.
	Yeah, there is a story.
	He's a cowboy and he's trying to get over there.
	What?
	That's not a parable.
	There's no theme there.
	There's no moral.
	There's no less.
	No, if you're a bad cowboy, you die faster.
	Shut up.
	Six hours.
	And again, we're back to the super.
	I'm Spider-Man.
	I'm flying.
	Go fix a chair.
	Go be conducive to the Western world.
	Go get in a relationship.
	Go make babies.
	Go get married.
	I mean, I understand if you're 21, you still want to party.
	Maybe you're hungover.
	Ah.
	Or I've had guys argue with me.
	Oh, it's a great way to bomb with my son.
	We play together.
	I guess.
	But the fact that grown men sit and talk about superheroes and video games and both being combined.
	Shit, I can't watch a movie these days without there being a scene that is clearly designed to be a video game.
	You've been fighting zombies for about 15 minutes now, and you keep going up a ladder and down a ladder and around a corner.
	Are you building a video game while I'm trying to watch a story?
	I've lost a lot of viewers on this subject, but I think the fact that men spend so much fucking time playing video games is one of the most pathetic characteristics of modern America.
	I'm embarrassed on man's behalf.
	Number eight.
	This is a new one.
	And it's more common with my younger people I work with or associate with.
	Not really my good pals.
	My good pals tend to be fat construction workers that day drink at happy hour.
	But the younger guys don't know where the dollar sign goes.
	And I've noticed they start to put it on the other side.
	You know why?
	Because education is so bad in this country that people are just illiterate.
	Britain is really bad too, by the way.
	But they'll write $8 and it goes $8 with the dollar sign after.
	I've seen an ad, I think it was a tattoo parlor advertising a special.
	Hey, $35 off.
	Hey, with the dollar sign on the other side.
	You know why they do that?
	Because it's phonetic.
	I've had dudes argue with me.
	I've said, you are not at a first grade level of education if you put the dollar sign on the other side of the number.
	And they go, I don't think so.
	Like $8, $8, and then dollars.
	Oh, okay.
	Because something is slightly illogical in the English language, you're going to fix that.
	Interesting.
	Okay.
	You just, how do you spell baloney?
	B-A-L-O-N-E-Y?
	Is that what you do now?
	You just, those things, how they sound.
	That's basically pidgin English.
	You're speaking pidgin.
	Number nine, and this goes back to education, voice texts.
	I've noticed this with my phenomenally uneducated friends where I'll be texting, da-da-da.
	I use commas, capital letters, spell things correctly.
	I have respect for the English language.
	Not only do I have the language at my disposal, but I also revere it and want to improve.
	I have a friend who's a copy editor.
	I'm constantly calling him.
	Hey, is there a time you wouldn't use an Oxford comma?
	Or what about, he's the guy who told me, don't use whom anymore.
	It's an asshole word and it's being petered out because you sound pretentious.
	I would also say the same of the word atrocious.
	Please stop saying atrocious.
	You sound like a Victorian school mom, and it's not your vocabulary.
	You're not British, and you're not 130 years old.
	But I'll be texting and then I'll get a text back and it's a voice note.
	Or even worse, it's a voice to text thing where there's all these spaces where the computer tried to figure out what the hell he's talking about.
	I don't understand you.
	And sometimes I'm talking about really serious shit like big money or law lawyers and guys in prison and how is this going with this appeal?
	Do they need evidence?
	And oh, I got the new shark stock knit.
	Men are in jail, dude.
	Spend some time.
	Tommy Robinson, bless his cotton socks.
	I love the guy.
	He never texts.
	He'll send a video.
	Go up, Mike.
	Yeah, I got your message.
	Yeah, we're going to be doing that on Friday.
	So maybe you're mucking about, run about.
	I'm like, I got to watch a movie now to communicate with you?
	Just write it out.
	Number 10.
	And in all of these cases, it's something I'm dying to kvetch about, but I know I'm going to look across the bar and see people going, oh, not in every case.
	Divorce.
	You're driving the boat of marriage.
	If it crashes, you're the captain.
	You'll go down with the ship.
	I always think, whenever I think of marriage, this is not very romantic, but I think of Cape Fear, where they're in that giant boat towards the end and Robert De Niro is like crawling out of the water and it's a crazy hurricane.
	They're trying to kill him and stuff.
	That's marriage.
	You've got to guide the ship.
	Yes, it crashes sometimes.
	There's ups and downs.
	It's dangerous, but you're in control.
	So when you get divorced, the excuses I keep hearing are just pathetic.
	There's a lot of, oh, we just fell out of love.
	You know what happened?
	No, it doesn't happen.
	She doesn't have to be your soulmate.
	You fucked up.
	And every time someone talks about divorce, they talk about themselves and what they're going through.
	Maybe they mentioned the spouse.
	They never mentioned the kids.
	That's who it's hard on.
	That's why my generation, Generation X, has totally abandoned marriage because we're traumatized by divorce.
	My parents Stayed together.
	My wife's parents stayed together.
	Thank God.
	You can have a bad year, you pussies.
	And the worst divorce, and I'm happy to get this out.
	And I know a guy like this.
	I hope he's not watching.
	But getting divorced when you have a one-year-old?
	What was the issue here?
	You're not getting enough BJs.
	She wasn't sexy enough.
	She wasn't wearing lingerie enough at bedtime.
	What?
	You have a newborn.
	It's like moving to China.
	You got to learn Chinese.
	It's a pain in the ass.
	It's like starting a business.
	A business, there's two, the first two years, you don't make a dime.
	And you're sitting there in this marriage going, this is kind of lame.
	I'm out.
	Fuck you.
	Fuck you.
	I should probably clarify that when you fucked up with divorce, I had just talked about that poor son of a bitch who was basically forced into divorce and lost his children.
	I'm not calling him a fuck up.
	I guess I was.
	It wasn't a divorce.
	was a divorce um Yeah, maybe I got to hone that divorce one a bit.
	I don't really know.
	I don't, like, it's a strange thing.
	You're not an expert on divorce.
	A lot of my friends are getting divorced right now.
	I'm at that age where a lot of us have been married for 10 years.
	And I kind of resent them when they tell me.
	And then they go, should I be in a loveless marriage?
	We haven't had sex in two years.
	And I go, yeah, that's a long fucking time to not have sex.
	But it's not your fault?
	Like, but then, what, you're a big tit guy and you married someone with small tits?
	Well, why'd you do that?
	You know what I mean?
	Like, Louis C.K. got divorced.
	And I remember I knew people that knew him and they said, yeah, she's a crazy bitch, though.
	She's a nightmare.
	And I go, okay, well, why'd you marry a crazy bitch?
	Oh, we had this fight a bunch, remember?
	Where you said they can go crazy.
	Absolutely.
	They can hide the crazy.
	You seemed smarter back then.
	Maybe the Whatchamadoodles is...
	The lime.
	I think I want to get to...
	I want to get to the mailbag, but we should...
	This was this awesome video.
	One, two, Jimmy Kimmel, Jumble Kimmel, wants to show us what a loser Trump is.
	And we have become so separated as a nation that we're back and we're meeting.
	Because I watch this propaganda and I see a Trump puff piece.
	This makes Trump look awesome.
	And his audience is laughing hysterically at what a loser Trump is.
	And I'm watching it going, boy, did Barack Obama suck.
	Boy, am I glad we have the best, coolest, funnest, funnest president of all time.
	Who can deny that?
	Like, you just, you hear this guy, and my mother said this.
	I know you're never supposed to quote your mother, but she just goes, he feels like taking a warm bath.
	He's just so funny.
	He always cracks me up.
	Like, he's just so soothing.
	You're just like, ah.
	He's like a Budweiser after having a hot soup.
	It's just like, ooh, that's a cold one.
	Whoa.
	I'm not sure I deserve this.
	I could watch him say the most boring things.
	He's never boring.
	He's never boring.
	The things that should typically, the most typically boring White House type speeches that a president is forced to make, I could just be like, because he goes off script.
	Yeah.
	He's going to be like, I'll be like, we love you.
	I love you too.
	Wait, that's a guy.
	That was a guy who just said that.
	The way he handles hecklers, get him out of here.
	Go back home to mommy.
	He's so funny.
	So great.
	How do you hate him?
	Go back home to.
	Yeah.
	That's what confuses me is comedians hate him.
	And I go, one of your people is in the White House.
	We have a comedian in the White House.
	And he's actually nailing.
	And he's got great comedic timing and everything.
	We're pumping this up a little too much, but you tell me what you think.
	By the way, when Obama went on TV to announce that they'd killed Bin Laden, he spoke for nine and a half minutes.
	Trump yesterday did 48 minutes on this.
	Good.
	And for further comparison, we thought it might be fun to match up Trump's speech about al-Baghdadi with Obama's about bin Laden, and we were right, it was.
	The United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden.
	Abu Bakar al-Baghdadi is dead.
	The United States launched a targeted operation against that compound.
	They did a lot of shooting, and they did a lot of blasting.
	You're not going through the front door.
	You know, you think you go through the door.
	If you're a normal person, you say, knock, knock, may I come in.
	After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body.
	He died like a dog.
	But his death does not mark the end of our effort.
	A beautiful dog.
	No, he takes that I just noticed that too.
	He died like a dog.
	Then separately, Trump was talking about the German shepherd that did the dirty work.
	That's right.
	And he said that dog was a beautiful dog.
	And this is what people don't get.
	Barack Obama was about appeasing Islam.
	In fact, he devoted the space program, NASA, to showing people the incredible contributions the Arab community have given to mathematics.
	What?
	Just get on the moon again.
	Go fly around in outer space.
	You're not a propaganda tool, but he was.
	So the reason that Barack Obama was so brief and serious here and just saying the news is because he doesn't want to offend Muslims because he thinks that if we're not very gentle and kind to them, they'll hurt us.
	They don't care what we do.
	We could convert to Islam.
	And they'd say, not good enough.
	I think you're faking.
	That Burke looks like bullshit.
	They do it to themselves.
	No one kills more Muslims than Muslims.
	Conversely, Trump understands that they are very sensitive people and they want to be revered.
	So he's antagonizing them.
	They are seeing this speech and they're seeing him.
	Yeah, knock on the front door.
	Yeah, you know, you walk in, knock, knock.
	Can I come in?
	Not these guys.
	A lot of blasting.
	A lot of blasting.
	Died like a coward, whimpering and crying and screaming.
	We watched it.
	HD.
	It was like a movie.
	He said that.
	Yeah.
	Men who carried out this operation.
	And I don't get any credit for this, but that's okay.
	I never do.
	Here we are.
	May God bless you.
	And may God bless the United States of America.
	And I'm writing a book.
	There were 12 books.
	All the very well.
	Just like a real comedian he has to get his plugs in.
	Yeah.
	Also be at the foot of the book.
	All his books are How You Can Make More Money.
	And then you look at the Obama's, and Michelle's is called Me.
	How Me is a Me.
	How Me Was Me and That's So Me.
	Becoming Me, Becoming Michelle.
	Be better, be like me.
	And then Barack Obama's book.
	He had several books about himself.
	Who writes two autobiographies?
	Oh, this one's called The Dreams of My Father and how my father, who abandoned me at a young age, was just a real dreamer.
	And I missed him.
	He wasn't around.
	And here's another book.
	It's just called Me, Barack Obama.
	What is his other book?
	Becoming Michelle.
	Becoming Obama.
	Yeah, you did a lot of me search there for your book.
	I could write a book.
	I did write a book about myself.
	It's very easy.
	Took me like six months.
	Dreams for My Father.
	The Audacity of Hope.
	Yeah, that was it.
	The Audacity of Hope.
	Ugh.
	And the funny thing about that video is I love it.
	They got the dog in there.
	It's going to make Islam go ballistic.
	It's so disrespectful and it pushes all their buttons with the dog thing.
	They hate dogs.
	They meme dogs on a regular basis.
	A big insult in Islam is you're a dog.
	That's the worst thing you could say about someone.
	They don't domesticate them.
	They're just strays.
	They're just wild.
	They just kill them for fun.
	Ha ha, you losers, I'm better than you.
	That's a sign, by the way, of a primitive culture when you're impressed that you're better than a fucking dog.
	And you're like, ha ha, I'm going to cut his ears off with shearing scissors.
	Bitch.
	Literal bitch.
	It was a bitch, by the way, who killed him.
	It was a female dog.
	Nice.
	Judd Appetow was tweeting this.
	Look at that.
	People should never stop retweeting this.
	I agree, Judd.
	You fucking pussy.
	Wife didn't even take your name.
	Again, you know what all this is about, right?
	This is all about masculinity.
	Judd Apatow is a pussy.
	He hates Trump because Trump represents masculinity and that's what bullied him in high school.
	And these women hate Trump because those are the guys that wouldn't fuck them in high school.
	And that's the guys they see as holding them back because they go, why aren't I a famous writer on SNL?
	It must be because men took all the jobs.
	It's all resentment towards men, including, and that's what the Joker's about.
	But look at this Jess Dweck.
	I think she's a comedy writer.
	Totally fucking humorless.
	He still doesn't even know how to pretend to be a person.
	And this is because he put candy on top of what are they called those little guys?
	Jack-o'-lantern?
	No, that guy.
	Oh, a minion.
	Minion.
	Look.
	That's fun.
	Hey, what's that?
	Plop, plop?
	That's hilarious.
	And then she puts it on his head, and then it slides into that guy's bag.
	It's called playing around with kids.
	You think he doesn't understand the concept of trick or treat?
	He's messing around.
	Some kid's got a big minion head.
	Hey, I'm going to put this on your head.
	And you can't.
	He's like, where's it going to go?
	Oh, there it is.
	Which hand is it in?
	And he doesn't even know how to put it in a bag.
	And he feels special, that kid, because he's like, he put it on my head.
	And I was a faceless minion.
	I couldn't express myself at all.
	But he saw through it and he put it on my minion head.
	A lot of people, they just want to put it in the bag.
	Hey, there's a trick-or-treat bag.
	Real losers.
	I should just put it in the bag.
	Are you ready?
	Speaking of bag.
	Right?
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Ryan, shut up, you don't have a debt.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	Let me touch it.
	This guy sent me an article from the Philly Inquirer.
	It says, after seven years under the regime of the Democratic machine, Philly can finally elect some newcomers on Tuesday.
	Philly is totally polluted with the DNC.
	If you ever go there, downtown Philly has just been handed over to the homeless.
	It's like there was a negotiation at Camp David for the homeless and the homeless won.
	Like they just, they sleep wherever they want.
	It's disgusting.
	Anyway, this guy sent me this article.
	I assume you're pulling it up.
	Mayoral candidate Cian Saglini, while denying links between his campaign and the far right, has been spotted at the same rally as the notorious Proud Boys.
	His fanboys in extremist chat rooms has fanboys in extremist chat rooms and lashed out on Facebook against a pro-immigrant restaurateur at the same time the owner of Le Vertu was being targeted for harassment.
	Now, I don't know that story, but I guarantee that's not what it was.
	It was probably like that place in Hamilton where they found out the kids were in Antifa and they were yelling at old ladies.
	But let's look it up.
	Le Vertu.
	I don't know, nothing's coming up.
	I bet he spelt it wrong.
	Sorry.
	And he says, it's a bad enough look that it gave Kenny a rationale for not debating this fall in a mayoral race that hasn't really happened.
	And he says, love to show a good fight.
	Okay, so that's what's going on with Philly.
	Proud Boys are often used by politicians to make the other one look bad.
	And in fact, they unseated the guy who was running South Brooklyn for 20 years.
	20 years he was there.
	This was in Proud Boy magazine under 10 Times New York politicians use Proud Boys as a political weapon.
	It was the weirdest thing.
	Guanardez is this PC cuck who wanted to flip Brooklyn 100%.
	There was one lone Republican senator named Marty Golden in the 22nd District, which is all cops and firemen down there, South Brooklyn.
	Everyone loved him.
	Everything was great.
	But then, after my talk, and that became the narrative, it's number eight if you scroll down.
	They realized we can use this as a weapon.
	We'll call everyone a Nazi.
	Anyone who's ever with a patriot.
	So, no, that's number nine.
	So, this guy, Guanardes, sent letters to every single home in Brooklyn saying that Marty Golden was a proud boy, and he's affiliated with Nazis, and they're a hate group, and it worked.
	That's the crazy thing about this shit, is that it's actually effective.
	Just making up a story.
	Maybe that's why they encourage us to be so incurious.
	What's this?
	Someone just sent me a video?
	Hello?
	Ryan, what are you doing?
	Is it in the mailbag?
	I'm looking in there.
	Yes.
	Oh, I forgot it archives all mine.
	You've told me that so many times.
	Just go search mailbag and they'll all appear chronologically.
	What is going on with your mailbox?
	Oh, no.
	Jesus.
	You're right.
	No, I'm having a bit of a nightmare, actually.
	What's the matter?
	Well, I've got all the international CEOs from around the world in this room.
	In ten minutes, the annual summit's supposed to take place.
	They've flown thousands of miles to get here, and my translator hasn't turned up.
	I need to find someone who can translate into seven different languages.
	Well, I can do that.
	Yeah, I did it heckle in my gap year.
	Welcome back to London.
	It's better to find it.
	This is Helen Marsh, who will be our interpreter today.
	So, without further ado, let's address section 1.1, multinational profiteering for the financial year 2005-2006.
	Helen.
	All right, that wasn't fun.
	Thanks for wasting our time.
	This is from Bryce.
	Miami Uncensored sucked.
	Whose idea was it to cut and paste the several debates throughout the video?
	If it was Ryan, please cut his pay.
	That's hurtful and mean?
	It had to be done that way.
	That was our guy, Steven, from Folklore Americana.
	Well, you just threw him under the bus, dude.
	No, no, it had to be done that way.
	It was the only way it could have been edited.
	Trust me, believe me.
	What do you mean the only way?
	Why couldn't it have been the whole talk or something?
	There were, I mean, because we'd have to rely on just the stream audio.
	we wanted to have it as HD as possible.
	Why?
	So there's some moments where...
	Sounds like someone fucked up.
	Ain't no fuck up.
	Try to get David Carroll on the show.
	Who's that again?
	I love how these people think that I can just magically try to get someone and they instantly appear.
	David Carroll, Associate Professor of Media Design, Parson?
	That can't be him, right?
	Ugh, boring.
	Joe Carney, bad religion.
	I'm dying to ask Greg Graffin if they'd ever mix things up and consider changing their logo to a crossed out star David or a crescent moon.
	P.S. You're coming about immigrants and their totally nonsensical insolence.
	It's 100% true.
	I went to grammar school, so this guy must be British, with these Yemeni twins at the end of the year, and one got left back.
	This is back when schools used to do that.
	My mother was his teacher for a time.
	Then when the father found out, he slapped the kid in front of everyone, exclaimed, for you, no fish, no orange.
	Obviously, it remains a running joke to my family this day.
	PPS, I saw you riding your bike the other day.
	You look like a douche, like you're more than a friend.
	Oh, that's very mean.
	Ain't nobody got time for that.
	Yeah, this is what we have to understand about multiculturalism.
	Cultures are different than us.
	I was listening to Howard Stern, by the way, and he just, he's so frustrating because he's so naive.
	He doesn't know about different things.
	Like he said, there's a thing called trunk or treat.
	That's not a thing, is it?
	Yes, asshole.
	When people live in the country, they can't go door to door because the houses are too far apart.
	So they meet at a parking lot and the parents have it in their trunk and you go around to all the different cars.
	How can you not know that?
	Because you've never been out of your fucking house and you're sitting there on your radio show telling us about the world.
	And then these comedians who are also totally secluded and know nothing of Islam are sitting there going, Trump's speech sucked.
	He kept talking about a dog.
	Yeah, that's premeditated.
	Nothing makes Islam more annoyed than dogs.
	He's pissing them off.
	Barack Obama kissed their ass.
	Do you get it?
	Oh.
	sigh
	Hi, this is Joe from San Diego, Lebanese Catholic 29.
	I'm paid subscriber.
	The reason Gavin often finds himself frustrated with Ryan's performance during shows, such as promptly bringing up relevant websites, is because Ryan is caught between two roles, tech guy and sidekick.
	A tech guy allocates all of his attention, blah, blah, blah.
	A sidekick's responsibility is to be a participant.
	Both roles are valid.
	However, as the scripture says, a man cannot serve two masters or put another away.
	Don't try to half-ass two things.
	Have you guys sat down and clearly ironed out exactly the laugh?
	If you want a hybrid tech guy and sidekick, then there needs to be an understanding.
	Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	I like you sunglasses.
	I'm surprised they didn't end up with the I want a job.
	They usually do.
	Bless you.
	It's not two masters.
	It's two jobs for one master.
	Yeah.
	Am I right?
	I think I'm.
	You think you're what?
	Doing better?
	This numbering system definitely helps.
	Look at this, though.
	Please be courteous to your Muslim neighbors.
	Many Muslims in this area and dogs.
	Many Muslims live in this area and dogs are considered filthy in Islam.
	Please keep your dogs on a leash and away from the Muslims who live in this communiatoire.
	Fuck you.
	Yeah.
	This is what I don't get to about immigrants.
	Back when we were punks, we knew that we had chosen this weird life And we didn't expect to get our asses kissed.
	I didn't expect to be a greeter at Walmart.
	But then you have these Sikhs who chose the big beard and the turban, which I respect.
	I like Sikhs.
	And then they go, why can't I be involved in boxing?
	Well, you chose a different culture.
	And you're supposed to be willing to die for that culture.
	You can't be inconvenienced.
	Like if we were punks and they said, sorry, no boxing with Mohawks, we go, fuck off.
	Like when they want to wear their turban with a bobby hat.
	And you're like, well, you can't.
	That's not what they do here.
	And then you go, good, I'm a Sikh.
	You're never going to change me.
	Okay.
	But why, who, like, imagine any of us going to any other country and demanding they conform to our ways.
	Speak English or die, I say when I walk into Mexico City.
	Hey, how come I'm speaking Spanish?
	I don't send anything.
	You should have English signs in here.
	Pesos?
	I got three bucks.
	I don't got any fucking pesos.
	That'd probably be right here.
	You're pissing me off.
	Black dogs are Islamophobic.
	The Prophet of Allah said, were dogs not a species of creature?
	I should command that they would all be killed.
	But every pure black one, because black dogs are evil.
	That sounds very civilized, Muhammad.
	Andy, not disclosing transness.
	As you know, some of these trans women look like actual women.
	Could you fucking imagine you make it to home base and you see that the person has a penis?
	I think I could.
	Your stomach just went, oh.
	You heard that?
	Yeah.
	The amount of emotional trauma that this would cause most men would be incredible, especially in cultures like black and Hispanic cultures that are not as tolerant as hipster or white guy cultures.
	So now you're known as a homo in your community.
	Now you're fucked.
	Like they, I remember there was an episode of Real World very long time ago, one of the first one ever.
	And she slaps this black guy in the face.
	Uh-oh.
	And he punched her and he got arrested and it was a big deal and the real world was going to end.
	But slapping like me in the face as a woman and slapping some poor black teenager in the face, different contexts.
	People just see me and they go, that was funny.
	She was mad at you.
	Him, he's a bitch now.
	It might be an evolution of prison culture.
	But it's exactly like Nicole Dufran there in whenever it was, 2000, 2001, where Rudy Fleming, black Puerto Rican kid, pulled a gun on her and she goes, she laughs in his face.
	And she goes, what are you going to do?
	Shoot me?
	Fucking loser.
	So he goes, because the idea of being known as a pussy who gets talked down to was much worse than going to jail forever.
	By the way, when he got picked up by the cops, he tried to get out of it by saying he's a stomachache.
	Oh, no.
	Oh, okay.
	Well, we'll come back tomorrow when your stomach feels better.
	Especially if you started with some kissing and making the discovery.
	Yeah, what if it blew you first?
	What if Z blew you first?
	I would like your opinion about making not disclosing transness illegal.
	It absolutely should be illegal due to the massive amount of emotional trauma caused in this situation.
	Let me know what you think.
	I don't want more laws, but I get what you're saying.
	And I wonder how much that contributes to murders.
	You know, all these trans people who were killed?
	How many of them were killed by angry thugs who got pissed off that they became a gay?
	And isn't that kind of a form of rape?
	Yeah.
	It's almost as sneaking an STD around or...
	Yeah, that's I'm not fucking who I set out to fuck.
	Exactly.
	That's a rape.
	Yeah.
	Like, Chris Jenner, my husband was a woman the whole time.
	I was having lesbian sex my whole life with some chick with a dick.
	It's dosing.
	You're dosing them with dick.
	Dosing them with dick.
	My autobiography.
	That's the motto of this show.
	I can't believe that you have to get out of my lawn where we dose you with dick.
	I couldn't believe that you could actually fall for a transsexual.
	I don't think that's possible.
	I've never seen one in person, really.
	It's a Peter and the Test Tube Babies song.
	Oh.
	What is it called?
	I can't remember.
	Peter and the Test Tube Baby's trans song.
	Yeah, Banned from the Pubs who are not fucking trans.
	The trans woman is banned from the Pubs because she falsely identified herself.
	Ryan's mailbag was entertaining enough to fill the void when there is no new content, like weekends.
	Please allow the man, or whatever they identify as, have his own broadcast occasionally.
	I would like to buy you all a beer, blah, blah, blah.
	Love the show.
	I've been an Atlanta police officer for 16 years and a veteran of Trashkhanistan, Afghanistan.
	I support you all, except for Ryan's choices in music.
	Jonas Brothers?
	Really, dude?
	Yeah, I couldn't agree with that guy more.
	See, this is why I just feel more comfortable around cops.
	I got something.
	A mailbag.
	We should really get Larry back upstairs and do a big marathon.
	Okay?
	Yes.
	And I told you the parameters.
	It's very simple.
	Just 30 seconds per letter and keep your reaction, your response down to 10 seconds.
	Plow through them.
	That's pretty great.
	Pretty great.
	Mikael, let me try this one.
	Okay.
	This is a sample.
	Hey, Gavin and Ryan, I'm from the UK, and I know you're not big on rap music, but I think you should see this video from over the weekend at a concert where rapper YG kicked out a fan for not being anti-Trump.
	Ancient news, most ancient news in the world.
	That should give you a clue.
	8.4 million views.
	Is that a Mets?
	No, I don't think so.
	He told him to say fuck Trump.
	He didn't say fuck Trump.
	He got kicked out.
	Yeah, what a waste of time.
	Thanks, newshound.
	But a lot of people have been sending me videos.
	Okay, here's the last one we're going to do.
	Weird but expected Google search from Fred.
	Salou maqu.
	That's French-Canadian.
	And that means, hey, asshole.
	Have you noticed the Democratic candidates' ads permeating Facebook feel like they are proposing you enter a sweepstakes?
	Example: here is your chance to make history and donate to my campaign.
	Like it is a privilege for anyone to have the opportunity to shed their hard-earned money to the scum of the earth.
	Career politicians equal use car salesman.
	On another note, you're probably already aware of this, but when I explicitly look up free speech.tv on Google, the first two links are for free speech.org.
	The force is strong with them, Google algorithms.
	P.S. Not to be a content Nazi, but on today's show, the sign-on bit 2.3 about getting castrated spelled crowded as crowd.
	I assume they didn't run a spell check, and there are dozens of words, and even if they did, it wouldn't have caught it.
	What?
	Is this you making a typo?
	The sign-on bit 2.3 about getting castrated.
	Spelled crowded as crowd.
	What's he talking about?
	Croad?
	Crowded?
	Oh my gosh.
	Thanks, Ryan.
	Thanks for your input.
	Alright, that's enough.
	I feel like this show hasn't been funny enough.
	Well, I got some...
	Some Halloween costumes?
	That's not funny.
	That one's bad.
	That one's lame.
	That one's awful.
	That's okay.
	This one's interesting.
	And then I started going down a Simpson's rabbit hole.
	Alright, those are good.
	Yeah, good job.
	Why do I feel like these are all British people?
	That's an interesting theory.
	That's Smarge.
	Alright.
	This is terrifying.
	Okay.
	It's a Paul Giamatti costume.
	Bert and Ernie?
	That's...
	Instead of buying costumes, she would make them.
	This is her interpretation of Spider-Man.
	My son would make his own Spider-Man costumes when he was that age, and they were way better than that.
	Like the head can be tight.
	You use a t-shirt sleeve.
	Oh, that's a great idea.
	Yeah.
	This is just cute.
	Yeah, okay.
	Why are we looking at these?
	It's more fun.
	No, it's not fun.
	It's stupid.
	Anyone can Google Halloween costumes.
	Postmodern.
	That's a celebrity dresses postmodern.
	All right.
	Let's end with a very fun video.
	I was considering doing this as a green screen, but we'll just sit here and look at it.
	It's 2.8, and it is about the trans community at Spotify, who are clearly all insane.
	How do these companies function with all this?
	Okay, no, go back to the beginning and zoom out, please.
	Now, this is, I was talking to Milo about this.
	A lot of these sort of new groups that we need to pay attention to and respect and love and admire and ask questions to are dorks.
	They're ugly losers who want to be part of the conversation.
	So instead of working their way up to popularity, they just say, no, ask me.
	You see this in comedy all the time where they go, I'm going to be the head of social equality over at Upright Citizens Brigade.
	And you can ask me whether you can do a trans sketch or not.
	So this is just an ugly fat chick who's probably not even a lesbian.
	She was just being a lesbian because no man will fuck her.
	She's a lazy pig who eats too much.
	And she's now an authority.
	Now we have to go to her and ask.
	And Spotify apparently decides that that's a good investment.
	How can it be?
	Spotify, everyone just trusts each other and has this culture of it's okay to ask questions even if they might be difficult questions.
	Pronouns are kind of a tricky concept for.
	Is that a man or a woman?
	The first one was just an ugly chick pretending she's a trans lesbian, right?
	It's a she or they.
	Danielle Zephyr.
	You know that's like Cronenberg or something.
	She thought, nah, that's too Jewish.
	I want to be more.
	I want to be from the future.
	What is that thing around her neck?
	A young pendillet.
	In that I keep going back and forth about kind of what to use.
	what to use where?
	Well, I spent...
	So that previous...
	What is this guy?
	Just because you like blue doesn't mean you're a different gender.
	Does he think he's a woman?
	I'm a blueberry.
	Tomorrow I might be a grapes.
	About 30 years or so in the closet because my previous employers didn't have any particular tolerance for transgender people.
	How is that trans?
	Just pause.
	How is he a transgendered person?
	He's just a gay with blue hair and some shitty pants on.
	How easy is it to be a woman?
	I know I've said this a hundred times, but it's way harder to be punk than it is to be a woman.
	What are the chance they have like high contempt and bitterness towards anybody who's just kind of cis in that environment?
	1-0-0?
	You can't sit with us.
	No, the only way that they get any respect for anyone cis is if that cis person comes up and says, hi, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I'd love to find out what your pronouns are.
	And it's revenge of the nerds.
	All of this shit, this gray clown world they're creating for us, is revenge of the nerds.
	Why are we letting them get away with it?
	Because we don't want to get sued by Jessica Tarvis or whatever that freak's name was.
	Like, why acquiesce to these silly terms?
	That's what part of it.
	And Spectrum is our LGBTQ plus employee resource group at Spotify having a diverse workforce and being an inclusive group.
	Sorry, pods.
	What the fuck is a resource group?
	Can you imagine the time they waste?
	So, minutes, do you want to do the minutes from the last meeting?
	No?
	Okay.
	Well, let's get started.
	So, I got a lot of good feedback about the baked sale.
	People say we should do it.
	And everyone was really into Emily's idea about rainbow-colored cupcakes.
	So, I think that should be, and we can, depending how much money we raise, you know, it could pay for the cupcake ingredients from the cupcake store, or we could donate it to an N-AIDS charity or something like that.
	I'm open to ideas.
	And then the blue-haired guy's like, I have some ideas with that.
	Point of privilege.
	The cupcakes had seven colors of the rainbow.
	This is unacceptable.
	Where is orange?
	Orange is the important so everyone can shave like themselves.
	So what we did.
	Wow.
	Okay, you're a woman, right, Blueberry?
	Why don't you shave your arms.
	Like, you have the hairiest female arms I've ever seen.
	I'm a hairy woman who wears men's clothes, talks like a man, and has long hair.
	In other words, there's the only thing feminine about me, I guess, is my hair, sort of, and my fingernail polish.
	That's all you mean.
	Basically, Spotify said, oh, we didn't realize there was a problem there.
	We'll fix it.
	And that was pretty amazing.
	Wait, pause.
	So Spotify's paying for your sex change?
	What's that?
	200 grand?
	Plus, the guy's away for however long it takes to heal your gash?
	Well, that doesn't sound like a good investment.
	If I was a shareholder, I'd go, wait, how much are we spending?
	What are we doing?
	Wait a minute.
	Go back.
	Are they paying for tits?
	Basically, Spotify said.
	What we did is to come up with a list of essentially every medical procedure that trans people might need.
	We came up with a list of every medical procedure trans people might need.
	Like hormone therapy, fake tits, I assume a full vagina installed.
	That's got to be 200K.
	Sorry, what's this now?
	People might need.
	Basically, Spotify said, oh, we didn't realize there was a problem there.
	We'll fix it.
	Just pause.
	That guy, I don't know where Spotify is, but in like the East Village of New York City, Is it not?
	I don't know.
	Looks at eight?
	Yeah.
	Is that New York?
	Dressing all blue and having blue hair in the East Village is the norm.
	It's all freaks down there.
	Remember, there was this, well, you don't, you never lived in the East Village, but there was this Asian woman who her fingernails and toenails were like this long and they were all different colors.
	You'd always see her walking with her kids on Houston Street.
	Totally normal.
	In fact, my buddy Curtis Brown, when we ran the restaurant down there, the Cardinal, he'd spent so much time in the East Village, he didn't realize what a freak he was.
	And he'd have on like white overalls, cowboy boots.
	He'd be on a BMX, a tricked out BMX, and have a hat that says Jesus is God or something.
	And I go, you know, you look like an absolute freak right now, right?
	But down there, it was just like, he looked like a postman.
	Anyway, this guy's not interesting is what I'm saying.
	Was pretty amazing.
	As of 2019, we now offer masculinization and feminization treatments recommended by the World's Professional Association for Transgender Health.
	not a question of vanity.
	You know, for someone who So that's what's really going on here.
	They're not doing any tits or anything fancy.
	They found some testosterone pills and some estrogen pills, and they're 200 bucks each.
	So sometimes they'll float you 200 bucks.
	They might take it out of your pay.
	In other words, massive corporations spends a couple hundred bucks.
	What a scoop.
	Let's get the angels singing in the background.
	Needs these things.
	It's really a question of being able to be perceived, you know, as themselves.
	At Spotify, everyone's part of Spotify.
	Everyone's a member of the band.
	And everyone is determined to help everyone else.
	That's what it comes down to.
	Everyone's a member of the band.
	They're sick of not being in the club.
	The nerds are sick of not being in the in-crowd.
	So they legislated it.
	They've legislated an in-crowd.
	Here being the squeakiest wheel has paid off.
	We're getting some.
	There's no cool people at Spotify.
	No matter how fat and ugly you are, people have to talk to you and act like you're popular.
	So we get invited to parties.
	If there's a party that happened and we aren't invited, we can file an HR14 and they have their balls cut off.
	Here at Spotify, we allow personal distractions to become a thing.
	Here at Spotify, where liking nerds is mandatory, we'll pay for it.
	My advice is don't be afraid.
	There's nothing wrong with knowing who you are and where you stand.
	Again, more rhetoric from women and liberals in the left and trans.
	There's nothing wrong with being who you are.
	Thanks for the wake-up call.
	Jesus Christ.
	Part of what I'm doing here is trying to be visible so people who are like me know that they're not alone.
	People like you, what?
	Boring homosexuals?
	There's nothing there.
	There's no substance, my friend.
	You're not interesting.
	That is a dude, isn't it?
	Not her, but the one before.
	I don't know.
	What the hell do you do at Spotify?
	It's just a big dump of a bunch of songs.
	I like to put my gender on shuffle, i.e.
	Spotify style.
	I know you're not allowed to talk about this at work, but maybe you should.
	Maybe you should get fired.
	Maybe you should get in trouble.
	Maybe you should be brave.
	Be brave.
	And you should definitely.
	What's so funny?
	Be beef.
	I didn't mean to.
	No, no, no, no.
	I'm sorry.

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