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Oct. 2, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:08:45
S02E67 - KNOW YOUR MEME
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Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McGuinness Gavin McGinnis still seems to have some Guinness in it.
I went through that with the sound guy 80 times.
Oh, the intro thing.
Gavin McGinnis.
Yeah, it is a G. It's like McGinnis.
McGuinness.
Do you want to hear it again?
Yeah, it's McInnes for literally 760,000th time.
Okay.
Am I?
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Gavin McInnes.
No, it's let's see.
I'm being a dick.
I'm just being a dick.
I'm being a dick to use.
Yo, I was being a dick to use.
Yeah.
So I says to the guy, can you straighten that monitor?
It's going to drive me bananas.
Met a fucking sketchy dude the other day.
No, now it's all fucked up the other way.
No, no, that's...
Yeah.
Yeah.
I met a bad guy from the South Bronx.
You know, the kind of guy kind of like a killer dude.
And he's like Just let me know.
And then I told other dudes, and they're like, holy fuck, you met him.
I'll make up a name.
You met Mickey DeSalvo.
Fuck.
That's a good fake name.
That's a good friend to have, my friend.
And then I'm just like, what do I do with it?
Call in a favor.
You go kill some jerks.
Ask him for really mundane stuff.
Well, like, what do I, I don't want anyone killed.
Unlike the left, I don't want my enemies eviscerated.
But, uh...
But, I don't know.
You got to be kind of a younger man to care about that.
Maybe ask them if you could just go on a walk with them and hear some stories.
Yeah.
Well, that's the other problem.
They don't want to be guests on the show.
So I go, eh, the only thing I really want out of people like that is their stories.
But the ones that I want it the most out of, Vietnam vets, guys from Hell's Kitchen, Westies-related stuff, and guys, Italians who broke a few heads, cracked a few skulls.
They're never like, yeah, I'd love to talk.
Okay.
That's how you know Coco or T's is full of shit.
When he's like, yeah, let's get into it.
I like it.
Joey Diaz.
Joey Diaz.
Hey, Mr. Gavin, I heard that you're a gentleman, but if I ever hear you talking shit about Ralph Eme again, we're going to have a problem.
I'm making this announcement on Twitter because that's what wise guys do.
They like to leave a paper trail when they fucking threaten to kill someone.
I got these blue stars of death.
They're fucking phenomenal, cocksucker.
Fucking, you gotta fuck the Irish chicks.
Their pussies are so wet.
They got the freckles and shit.
They got the little hairs on the monkey.
The little red hairs on the monkey.
He says monkey for pussy.
Oh, yeah?
They got the little hairs on the monkey.
Little blue stars of death.
They're tremendous.
It's people with Bronx accents, Brooklyn accents, New York accents going to LA.
And everyone goes, ooh, are you in the mob?
And after 17 times going, no, no, no, it's just my accent.
I used to work in construction.
Then you see their faces go, it's sort of like Patrick Pat Dixon.
He goes, every time I meet people, they go, what's your name?
Pat.
Matt?
And then he can tell they want it to be Matt because no one likes to have a friend named Pat.
And they go, and then he'll say, no, Pat.
And then he goes, I can see the disappointment in their face where they sort of go, this friendship won't be going anywhere.
So after seeing the disappointment in a million LA people's faces, eventually he goes, a little bit.
They'd be like, I used to know some guys who knew some guys.
And they go, oh, now you're interesting.
And then he's like, actually, I was the guy.
Fuck.
I used to tweet guys that I was going to kill before I would kill them.
That was my calling card.
Yeah, I'd say, don't make fun of Ralphie May, the fucking wildly obese drug addict.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We don't want to kill it.
Oh, shit.
I just did it.
I just unleashed the hounds.
Who let the Diaz out?
Who?
Who?
I like him a lot.
I think he's great.
He's another fucking fake mobster bullshit dude.
He's funny.
They're all over New York, and they are especially prevalent in New Yorkers who go to L.A. That's what.
And I got a buddy there, a cop, who did the night shift his whole life.
And he never really talked to people that much because he was just with his partner.
And he did way more than he had to, something like 30 years.
And now he's in L.A. And people are like, I'm sorry.
I don't understand you.
And I'm wondering how long it's going to take him before he becomes a caricature of the New York guy.
I mean, they keep, it's like mulattoes, right?
If you're half black and you go, hi, I'm Jordan Peele.
I'm Kian Peele.
Who's the guy?
Jordan Peele?
The guy did get out.
Hi, I'm Get Out.
I went to school in the Upper West Side and I was raised by my white mom, just like pretty much every famous black person you've ever heard of.
And white people go, it's like St. Pat.
And they go, really?
You're not a black militant?
I can be.
I went to a nerdy school where we had plants on the roof and we grew Jardanias, they're called.
It's a cross between a Jardania and a Jardanio.
Oh, I'm kind of needing, I'm looking for a black militant friend.
What the fuck you say, motherfucker?
Black power!
And now he's all about.
I would never cast a white man in a movie.
That's not how I roll.
I did a movie, Get Out.
It's about how white people are crazy.
You better hide your kids, hide your wife.
White people are going to kill you and take your body.
Have you seen the new one?
No.
Oh, you know what's good?
Ma.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, it's like there's a duplicate family and their murderers.
No, no, that one I haven't seen, but there's one called Ma.
Oh, there's a new one.
It's like a black woman.
Boy, he's really churning them out.
It was pretty good.
It was this one.
You ever seen this?
Oh, that's the one who took a shit in a pie in that other movie.
Yeah, she does some weird stuff in this one, too.
But it's good.
Okay.
It's good.
Character study.
Well, it's done by a white guy, so it probably is good.
Jordan Peel.
White power.
No, no, no, no, no.
I love white movies.
You know, movies by white people.
And I like white music too, like Tom Morello.
Yeah.
I like Rage Against the Machine.
You know, that white guy, Tom Morello?
Oh, God, Tom Morello.
My favorite white president was probably Barack Obama.
Pretty white.
That was Chong the Nomad doing the intro song, fun nomadic Asian who is basically from Seattle.
What did he say?
Make America.
What's his word?
Make rage again.
Oh, shit.
Like the machine.
When did it rage, Tom?
Probably like 90s.
Does he mean the 80s when everyone hated Reagan?
Because, yeah, that's what we want too.
We're on the same page.
Do you mean rage like the American Revolution when they kicked out the English?
Yeah, we're pro-Brexit.
What are you talking about, dude?
Fuck Trump.
You're your badass.
Yeah.
I took lacrosse at Libertyville High School.
Yeah.
Anyway.
I sent you a late story, Ryan.
So sometimes the first stories are the newest ones.
It's the Syrian.
Syrian immigrant.
So remember this thing that happened where these Antifa kids, I think it was in Hamilton, Ontario, were screaming at some old lady?
Well, it turns out that they're Syrian immigrants.
Like the girl who's cut out a frame in that picture, her and her brother there, or whatever relationship she is, they're both Syrians.
They work at their parents' Syrian restaurant.
So refugees are welcome here.
Welcome to come and scream obscenities at our elderly.
They're not sending their best, as Trump said.
How about a thank you when you come from a disgusting shithole like Syria?
Let's just play the video of that.
Because the girl, again, I think her, the girl screaming, her last name is Sufa also.
So they must be related.
Nazi scum off our streets.
Even if that woman was a Nazi, leave her alone.
She could be like a Holocaust-denying white supremacist.
Whatever, lady.
Whatever floats your boat, you're fucking 90.
Oh, speaking of 90, Bernie Sanders is, what, 78 years old?
That's too old.
Did you see my dad come on the show the other day?
He couldn't understand what a camera was.
He just thought like a giant black robotic insect was trying to kill me.
He's 74.
My dad in four years, you should see my dad nude.
It looks like something out of that disgusting art display Bodies, where the Chinese just took their worst prisoners and cut them open and left them on logs and said, hey, look at the human body.
Isn't it cool?
We chopped up a bunch and then put polyurethane on them.
And you go, why are they all Chinese?
Isn't that the place where there's zero human rights?
I'm all of a sudden super uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Oh my God, I've turned into Jiminy Glick.
Super uncomfortable.
I'm all of a sudden super uncomfortable.
So tell me where you get the bodies from.
Because I do see a lot of bodies.
I can't do it very well.
It's basically my Bill Schultz impression.
I don't know why you can't do it.
Because Bill Schultz and Jiminy Glick are the exact same person and have never been seen together in the same room.
Nate Ober saw our show last night.
Yeah.
And he was thrilled.
Yeah, this goes better than you having 9 million tabs open.
Although I guess you do.
You didn't listen to me.
Well, I have a couple.
I just got a couple.
These are all built, like real time.
I pulled up Joey Diaz, pulled up Jordan Peel.
Pull up Nate Ober watching yesterday's show.
I think we've got to start.
Our next goal is amassing a whack back.
I love having Kathy Zhu and Mike Cernovich and Paul Joseph Watson, Steven Crowder, even Joe Biggs and people on the network.
I love having them on the show, but I don't know.
It's like me going, hey man, you rock.
And them going, thanks.
And us both saying, yeah, this is fucked up.
Man, Tifa sucks.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, I don't know.
I'm going through an existential crisis where I'm not sure it adds to the show to have people I agree with on the show that I love and admire, like Jack Bisobic, fucking awesome guy.
But we both agree on things.
Wouldn't it just be more expeditious for me to say, Jack discovered this, and then just tell you?
But we do benefit from more wacky-packy types.
And I know of a guy near our studio, we'll call him Larry, that we have to start getting.
Maybe we can get him to come into the studio.
And then, of course, there's this guy.
Who we should make a regular guest.
I'm going to buy you a bald cap and those glasses.
Okay.
We have access to markers already.
And I'd be expected to do a Nate Ober type of thing.
No, Ryan.
I would buy you a Nate Ober costume, and you'd be expected to do Jiminy Glick.
That doesn't make sense.
Let's watch Nate watching us.
This is meta.
There is nothing you can do.
Is this us?
Watching you, watching me.
This is us watching him, watching us.
Talking about him, watching him.
That is a five minutes off.
No, it's not.
It's like a four hours off.
You're right.
Right.
Well, let's not.
Wait, what's he talking about?
The tundra.
The tundra thing.
Five minutes.
An hour and a half is totally fine.
$24 an hour.
Wait a second.
He's on here.
He's supposed to be on your side.
Well, I didn't watch this end, but I watched it.
I also want to watch Nate Oltz.
So He must have subscribed.
Oh, yeah, he's been subscribed.
Wait a minute.
Does that mean we have his credit card info?
We can go to his trailer.
He sent way too much information about himself.
Oh, yeah, he did.
He sent me an email.
He goes, I have an open blog.
So basically, my neighbor's dog attacked him three times, so I tried to kill him.
The dog.
And then I'm the bad guy.
And then the stupid DJ bitch has like four years of me pinging her on Facebook, so that counts as stalking.
And then lots of stalking, which I think I guessed, didn't I?
No, you heard him talk about it vaguely in another video.
Because he was talking about he has probation for not stalking, but it's like he was trying to get back at his club, blah, blah.
I feel like I may have predicted that at a different time.
But speaking of predictions, if you recall, on this show, I made a formal announcement.
I also think I did it on Crowder or maybe Glenn Beck's show, but I predicted that Martin Luther King would be the next victim of cancel culture.
He would be the next one to go down.
I believe I missed the mark by a fucking pube.
And this is the problem with playing darts with history.
You shoot it at MLK and it just veers the tiniest bit.
So MLK is not the next person to be accused of racism.
MLK issued identity politics and modern politics is all about identity politics.
So I said he's going to be the next one.
Canceled?
It's Gandhi.
Paca was so close.
It's not too late.
So this article on my new favorite site, Summit.news, talks about Martin Luther King going to visit Gandhi and all the wonderful things Gandhi did.
However, when he was a fucking teenager, he said there should, excuse me, there should be the predominating race.
He also said black people are troublesome, very dirty, and live like animals.
This is a 1920-year-old.
This is when he's in college.
He then went on to change the world and was eventually killed by Hindu nationalists that didn't like the fact that he was too tolerant of other religions.
He went to wars, war after war.
He was in the Boer War, where he would pick up armed soldiers with no artillery himself, no guns himself, and carry them to the medics.
Him and his troops were unarmed medics, constantly getting people off the battlefield.
But no.
So, Gandhi was a racist in his life, says biographer Ramachandra Guwa.
Gandhi is an object of intense debate.
A biographer reflects on the Indian leader world Gandhi, sorry.
Gandhi, as a young man, went with the ideas of his culture and his time.
He thought in his 20s that Europeans are the most civilized, Indians were almost as civilized, and Africans were uncivilized.
Gua61 in an interview told the NPR.
However, oh, but we don't do howevers anymore.
Now he's the Nazi.
Gandhi, you're looking at the biggest racist in history.
That's Hitler right now.
Bald Hitler, we now call him.
We call him Bald Hitler in a burlap sack.
Bald Hitler in a shawl.
However, he outgrew his racism quite decisively and for the vast majority of his life as a public figure.
He was an anti-racist, talking for an end to discrimination of all kinds.
Too bad.
Too late.
His mustache is basically just three Hitler mustaches lined up next to each other.
Yeah, two small ones on either side and a big one in the middle.
But you know what we have to do is just play the last game.
Okay, so yes, let's cancel Gandhi because he's their guy anyway, even though he's pro-gun.
But just like I was doing with Tom Morello and pointing out that he grew up totally white, let's do that with their heroes.
Let's play dirty.
Let's get into rules for radicals.
So when they have a Shea Guevara shirt on, we point out that Shea Guevara assassinated gays like popcorn.
And he loved it.
He loved shooting them in the head.
He loved murdering gays.
This is post-revolution.
Not when he's a little kid like Gandhi.
Not when he's a brainwashed college student.
This is after he's liberated Cuba.
He loved killing Nazis, killing gays.
He hated blacks much later in his life.
I don't really give a shit.
He's dead.
But if they want to put all their eggs in these stupid baskets, let's step on their eggs.
Speaking of jokes about MLK, this teacher, this is way down the line now, my friend.
What was her name?
Did I say teacher?
Amber Geiger.
Geiger?
That's one of the worst names I've ever heard.
G-U-I-G-E-R.
So this woman, and I'm going to reserve judgment on this, but this woman came home and there was, all these apartments look exactly the same.
And sometimes you come home and the floors are difficult to distinguish, right?
You get on and she just moved there, I guess.
And she went into the wrong apartment.
It looked like her apartment.
And she saw a guy sitting there eating ice cream.
She freaked out and blew his head off.
He was black.
The fact that he's black should be irrelevant.
I'm going to have to go against the cop on this one, I'm afraid.
Like if you say, get down, get down, or something, he says, fuck you, and lunges at you, you might have a point.
But someone walked into his home with a gun.
So she's in the wrong.
I'm sorry I reserve judgment.
But so she's going to jail for a long time.
They're trying to figure out her sentence now, right?
And I'm not sure what it is.
But here's what's irritating.
Now, I couldn't open this because I'm too cheap to buy the Washington Post.
But maybe you can do it.
Look, I sent you Google this.
See that purple type?
Put that into Safari or whatever.
Oh, here you go.
Oh, no.
Looks like you're screwed, dude.
We're out of free things.
But the headline, just show them anyway.
Fuck it.
I'm not giving you my money, Jeff Bezos.
Not racist, but woman who killed innocent black man was making offensive jokes about MLK right before.
No, before she shot him.
How's that for a loaded headline?
Before she shot him.
Not racist, but.
Oh, damn it.
So I've seen this headline in other forms, and they add the word before, like she went, MLK is a fag.
And then went over and shot this black dude.
Look at this guy eating ice cream.
Bye-bye.
That's the tone they have.
Now, this sort of supports my whole thing about female cops.
They're too triggered happy.
They're not good at their jobs.
Sorry, folks.
I love cops.
I'm pro-cop.
I don't think females belong on the streets.
Maybe in an administrative thing.
But like running around with guns, telling people to get down, it rarely seems to go well.
Outside of maybe domestics.
Anyway.
Yes, she did make an MLJ, MLK joke before she killed that man, like months before.
It was not the same day.
She was at the MLK parade.
It was going on and on and on.
And it's probably hot.
I don't know.
They're wearing the uniform.
They don't want to be there anymore.
Maybe she was called in.
And she texted privately her friend and said, how long is this thing going on?
And then, no, her friend texted her that.
How long is this thing going on?
And she texted back.
I was going to say until MLK died, but wait.
That's not even like that insulting.
I bet if MLK heard that, he would have said, that's not that funny.
You're mocking me at my parade.
But it's not offensive either.
It's like a two out of ten on the joke scale.
Not very funny indeed.
I don't think you should be pilloried for it.
It should not affect your trial.
But as far as jokes go, profoundly mediocre.
However, that is the kind of joke you would expect from a back and forth with your friend on a text.
I am not offended.
Feel free to proceed about your day.
I will not come back as a ghost and spook you for that one.
You shot a man who had a cream and ice cream.
A cream that one day flavors will be judged.
Not how they rest on the palate, but how much the container was.
That's just Don Pardo now.
Whoops.
Actually, Don Pardo was born shortly after Martin Luther King died.
And they both brought joy to our hearts.
Uh-oh, we're making Martin Luther King jokes.
Oh, fuck.
Are we going to get arrested?
So, yeah, it was a silly text, but they subpoenaed her phone.
She deleted the text, but they found it because they can go back in time.
And they found that.
And now the narrative is that she's this racist cop mocking Martin Luther King, fuck off.
And then she goes and like, well, you dirty an ice cream.
Now, the reason I bring this up is because the war on comedy is a favorite subject on the show, but also if you prevent cops from joking, like about that guy's, the back of that guy's head, which looks like a weird worm with a boner, then you get them killed.
Now, obviously, this is a tragedy.
This woman has to pay the price for being too trigger happy.
I don't think it's racist.
And the MLK joke's totally relevant, but the Warland jokes are relevant.
And when cops can't joke around, this shit builds up like a pressure cooker.
You're letting people in New York pour water on these fuckers like they're garbage.
Now that's moved up to milk.
Now we have a cop in the Bronx who was shot wrestling with a gangbanger because you've turned cops into human garbage and everyone wants them dead now.
You know what I was told?
I'm not sure I mentioned this in the other show, but my cop buddies told me there was people celebrating in the South Bronx after that guy was shot.
That's the culture you create when you vilify cops for making jokes and freak out with this stupid, irrelevant MLK comment.
It was not racist.
But speaking of jokes, I thought this was interesting.
So Todd Phillips.
Now, why do I picture Todd Phillips nude as a pervert?
Can you look that up?
Excuse me, Tom.
Oh, because he was in old school as a naked pervert.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what it is.
He did old school, which was fucking hilarious.
It was almost Animal House.
Yeah, there.
He played a pervert in the movie.
I'm here for the Gangbang.
What a sleazy-looking person.
Like, he couldn't be sleazier-looking.
I think he recognizes that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, I got to lean into this one.
In fact, I've seen the guy's demeanor, and I think he sort of looked in the mirror and went, all right, I'm known as a huge, I look like a fucking giant creep.
Some girls are turned on by that.
I'm just going to go for that demographic.
The girls who like creeps.
But yeah, he did a bunch of great movies.
He did the hangover.
But his first film was a documentary about Gigi Allen.
What's more get off my lawn than Gigi Allen, in fact?
Oh, you have a belt buckle that he didn't want.
And now somebody else wants it, so I'm going to send it to them.
Look at that.
This is Todd Phillips' first movie.
Have you got anything of that?
I think it's called Hated.
Hated, yep.
That's what it looks like.
Gigi Allen was a disgusting, horrible human being, the tiny dick who would play shows nude and throw feces at the audience.
And he kept talking about how this show is going to be his last show when he dies.
But he's still fascinating.
I mean, I don't want to listen to his hit song Anal Cunt anytime soon.
But This song, this movie ruled.
This was Todd Phillips' first film.
What year was this?
Doesn't it?
It says hated Gigi Allen and the Murder Junkies, 1993.
Huh.
So I think he was already dead.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what it's going to do.
Play some of it, though.
The imagery is cool.
90s New York was pretty darn close to 80s New York, which is aesthetically the greatest time in history.
Not the best time to live in New York, but the best time to look at New York.
It was then that I met Merle, Gigi's brother and bass player, and told him of my idea to do a documentary on Gigi.
He got me in touch with Gigi, who by now had completed two years of his sentence and was on parole in Michigan.
He liked the idea and offered to skip parole and head for New York to kick off a U.S. door.
I sent him a one-way bus ticket and he arrived the next day.
I like seeing Gigi out of character when he's like going to get milk.
That's the problem with being a caricature.
Like, who's that magician guy, Chris Black, whatever?
There's Chris Angel, the minor.
Chris Angel.
So when Chris Angel has to go get milk from the corner store, and he's just in sweatpants and like a shirt that says, fuck you.
Anyway, so that's Todd Phillips' first movie.
Really good.
He made a bunch of awesome comedies.
And then he recently announced, he's just done the new Joker movie.
And so he's doing a lot of press.
And they go, so you're not a comedy guy anymore?
And he goes, yeah, I don't know, man.
The jokes just got, you can't make jokes anymore.
You can't do comedies.
People are too sensitive.
And if you want to be funny, then it's not worth it.
And you get 30 million people breathing down your throat.
And I was running.
I was watching Strangers with Candy.
I've sort of rebooted that whole series for my daughter.
We're bonding over it.
I think she's old enough.
That's Amy Sederis playing a 46-year-old high school freshman who's getting her life back together.
But there was a scene in it.
The entire episode is the retard episode.
And the principal is trying to get Jerry to spy on her friend because the principal suspects she might be a retard.
And what you do with retards is you got to get them out of the school because they're violent.
They have the strength of apes.
And they're very, very dangerous.
But you never know who's a retard because they're very stealth and they're very tricky.
You couldn't make any of these jokes today.
So she doesn't want to rat out her friend because her friend's cool.
But the principal's making it very hard for her.
So the whole episode is about retards.
And they say the word retards, of course.
And there's a scene in it where they have an assignment for the weekend.
And he goes, okay, guys, I want you to try to do the reading and try to do an essay about the Founding Fathers, but nothing too faggy.
And he writes faggy on the chalkboard.
The teacher does.
You can look at any Strangers with Candy Clip.
There's one where she goes, when I was young, I was so poor I had no shoes and I would cry and cry.
And then I met a man with no feet.
And I laughed and laughed and laughed.
She's very witty.
Wait, you had the right episode.
That was the episode.
You couldn't.
Oh, well.
You just showed, yeah.
Let me go back here.
What is that on?
Daily Motion?
Yep.
Well, why am I paying for them?
To be young and gifted.
Is it called Retarded?
Yep.
I doubt that.
This is just a clip here.
Yeah, yeah.
Show the clip.
What was that all about?
Mr. Noblet wants me to snitch on a friend.
Snitching doesn't seem like you, Jerry.
Oh, it's not what you think.
I mean, it's really snitching on a real person or anything.
Hold Donello.
Retarded.
Yes, most of them are.
Most who are what?
Most gay people are retarded.
Wait, does that mean Kimberly Timbers is gay?
I don't know.
Hey, make a pass at her and find out.
She'd have to be retarded to turn you down.
That is steeped in.
So that's what Todd Phillips was saying.
You couldn't do anything that funny anymore.
And that's hilarious.
And it's obviously...
They're obviously parodying fucking idiots who care about gays and retards and shit like that.
It's obviously pro-retard.
Oh, that's a hate symbol I just did.
So Todd of Phillips says that, and then there's all this backlash against him.
So Dave Holmes, Dave Holmes now is the editor of Esquire.
Esquire is a men's magazine run by homosexuals.
All men's magazines are run by homosexuals, which is weird.
Because you think, I'm buying this magazine to learn like a pocket square and how to attract ladies in my James Bond look and what kind of cocktail should I buy?
And it's just like homos going, you should wear like short shorts and just fucking go for it, girl.
They're not really experts on picking up chicks.
Homosexuals.
They're experts on hanging with chicks, especially fag hags.
But they're not great at men tips.
But all men's magazines are just proudly gay run.
All magazines are, actually, when you think about it, except maybe sports.
You know those men's health magazines are just legal porn, right?
Hmm.
Another article on abs.
Wow, you have a lot of articles on abs.
Greg Gutfeld got a start in men's health.
I think he was the only straight one there, and I'm not even sure he's straight.
Yeah, lots of guys really want to get their abs to look like that.
Lots of straight guys.
All blue shirts on the cover.
Isn't that weird?
We're just trying to not have this.
Yeah, I'm starting to not even mind.
You're starting to what?
I'm starting to not even mind my lovely little lady lump.
You call it a lady lump?
Yes.
Because it's for the ladies.
And it's a lump.
God, you're irritating.
So check out, what did that guy say?
The Esquire editor?
Dave Holmes.
Say it in a gay accent.
This millionaire filmmaker with the world at his feet has turned his back on comedy because Paging Dr. Faggot no longer Balls them over, but please remember that it is you who is being overly sensitive.
Okay, so first of all, that is one quote from one of Todd Phillips' movies, and that should bowl them over.
It doesn't.
In fact, pull up the clip that has Paging Dr. Faggot.
It's fucking funny.
Check.
And don't forget to use it.
I can totally tell when you forget your hair just looks thinner.
Using of the Rogan.
Make sure to call me right when you reach the hotel.
Not like the conference.
You're already laughing, by the way.
Wait two hours for you to call me.
Yeah, I was the keynote speaker.
I was late to the podium.
Still?
Yeah, you're totally right.
I'm sorry.
What is it?
The compressor, so you can't get in trouble, right?
Yeah.
I just hope you're not going to go to the strip club when you're up there.
You tricky bastards.
We're going to Napa Valley.
I don't even think they have strip clubs in wine country.
I'm sure if there is one, Phil will sniff it out.
This is a great shot, too, for the imminent joke.
Besides, you know how I feel about that sort of thing.
I know, I know.
It's just boys and their bachelor parties.
It's gross.
You're right.
It is gross.
Not to mention it's pathetic.
Those places are filthy.
Yeah.
And the worst part is that little girl grinding and dry humping the fucking stage up there.
That's somebody's daughter.
That's somebody's daughter up there.
I was just going to say that.
See?
I just wish your friends were there.
That's how he framed it, too.
Pretty armature, actually.
You just have to get to know them better.
Paging doctor faggot!
*Click*
Dr. Fagget!
I should go.
That's a good idea, Dr. Faggett.
Have a good weekend.
I miss you.
I hung out with Ed Helms once.
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
Nice.
In Zach Alvanakis' apartment.
Vanakis.
That was fucking funny.
It was well presented, and it was clearly, again, I hate having to say this, a lampoon on immature men.
She said, he said, they're actually pretty mature, and they say paging Dr. Faggot.
That's funny.
But the takeaway is, if you can't handle all these extra rules in comedy, then you're a pussy and your comedy sucked anyway.
If you don't do woke comedy, then you suck.
And the people who say this are never funny.
For example, Ron Funches, Funches.
He's a black comedian I've never heard of and you likely haven't heard of either, but because he's black, he's at the front of the line on Twitter.
And he says, sorry, you were getting away with all this awesome.
We live in a society currently where bullies cry.
So Todd Phillips was a bully for having a Paging Dr. Faggot joke.
He was a bully for old school and the hangovers.
What?
Yeah, he meant to hurt people.
Yeah.
That's like that clip yesterday where what's her name was saying, when you spend your whole life trying to hurt people again and again and again, what do you think is going to happen?
Juicy Smollett is going to get abused.
Put the tweet back up.
Hey, guess what?
If you truly aren't funny anymore, either you lost it or you truly were never that good.
Just thank your lucky stars and be grateful for the time you had.
So Todd Phillips always sucked and old school and hangover weren't funny.
He was just in a society where you could bully people like Dr. Feckett.
So I go, let's check out Ronald Funches.
You seem to really know what's going on.
He's got a special out called The Giggle Factory, which is not on Netflix.
He claims it's because Netflix doesn't pay enough.
I doubt it, Ron.
But anyway, keep going.
No, you had the right link.
Just go down.
Yeah, let's watch his trailer first.
Hope there's no commercial first.
Seems to be.
Let's see.
I had heard a lot about this film since it debuted in Sunday.
That's popular on IndieWire.
I saw his special when I looked at it.
Maybe that's another link?
No, I didn't send it there.
Oh, maybe it's in the links there, yeah.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Explain the comedy.
Okay, well, what is you try to find it while I do it?
Here says watch the trip.
You do your job while I do my job.
How about that?
Why am I sitting here coaching you like I'm trying to teach my six-year-old how to ride a bike?
Which I did last weekend, and I highly recommend that.
Great bond you develop.
Great bond.
Great bond, frankly.
Recently, it's just one of my favorite activities.
Recently, is just like staring at women in winter coats.
What's under that?
Oh, I just kind of get high and then mumble into a microphone.
Did you know that was a lucrative profession?
You might be aware I'm the father of a 15-year-old son named Malcolm who has autism.
He speaks mostly like little catchphrases like uh daddy.
I'm like, oh, that's the autism talking.
Dwayne The Rock Johnson, the Beyonce for boy.
I mean, if the rock was hitting on me, if his muscular finger went against the nape of my neck, oh, I mean, I like to think I'm frank, but in this day, you don't have to.
So instead of paging Dr. Faggot, you have to become a gay lord and say that if the rock touched your neck, you get a boner.
That's what woke comedy is.
Another comment was from a woman who's a very, what's the word I'm looking for?
What do you call it when someone puts out a lot of shit?
Lucrative?
Productive?
Why do I ever ask you anything?
Verbose?
Opinionated?
No.
Anyway, this trans woman said, well, go back to her tweet.
What did she say?
I'm a woke comedian.
And for the second year in a row, I'm either in the finals or the semifinals of my city's funniest person competition.
And I just played a festival.
So I checked her out.
And chick on hiatus culture.
She's got a bunch of fucking, like, what is she?
The advocate mag.
Yeah, the advocate mag, where you have to be gay to write for it.
So the first priority at a magazine is not, can you write well?
It's what kind of sex do you like?
Okay, you like the right kind of sex?
Now, can you write?
So they don't have good writers.
Anyway, Amanda Carey's an even worse comedian.
So I checked out her YouTube page where she has, what, two subscribers?
Three subscribers.
And she's saying, it's not easy.
It's not that hard to be successful.
I am.
Check out my stand-up.
It's just a fucking fat nerd with tits.
Guy.
This is a man with tits being hilarious and woke.
How you guys doing?
he's going to win.
The theory right now that Donald Trump is not a human being is actually a computer program that randomly generates bigotry.
Just a really shitty program.
Did you catch that?
Yeah.
He's a robot.
Shitty.
He randomly generates bigotry.
Yeah.
He's not a human being.
Ah.
That's great.
I guess it is easy to do woke comedy.
All right.
Speaking of comedy, I want to start a new thing on the show where we look at memes because they're pretty much the only place that us non-woke people are allowed to do comedy.
And I get sent a lot of stuff that are not memes.
And I have a lot of stuff in my meme folders that are not memes.
So I just want to parse through it all, find some gems, leave you with the gems.
You can screen grab them, of course.
And we'll make it a regular thing.
Because I have 7,000 and I'm always collecting them.
So Ryan, why don't you cut to Chong the Nomad and we'll go look at some memes.
What is a meme?
Not what is in a meme, but what is a meme?
A meme is a picture with a few words.
If you have too many words, that's still a meme, but that's a shitty meme.
If you took a picture of an amazing tweet, that's a picture of an amazing tweet.
A poster is not a meme, and a picture is not a meme.
So I want to go through some of my favorite memes with you, but I've scattered in some non-memes so we can differentiate, because there seems to be a pretty gray definition of what a meme is.
And also, when we find a meme that's a total winner, I'm going to vanish so you can screen grab it because I do have some doozies.
All right, let's start at the top, shall we?
This is not a meme.
This is a picture that I took because I'm a horny bastard, especially when I'm drunk.
And when we shot a Milo and I, one of the girls in the audience was dressed like this.
And all the girls in New York on Friday nights are wearing these now.
And they're fucking perfect.
Ladies, what are you doing?
Why'd you do that?
Ladies, if you go out and have these on two or three nights a week, you will get a man.
I don't care if you're a million pounds.
All right, wait for me to say next.
Now, next.
Imperialism.
It's one hell of a drug.
Is this a meme?
This looks like a poster to me.
I mean, it's someone that's co-opted a cool image from some 50s comic book.
This is right on the edge of a poster and a meme.
And it's also not a joke, per se.
You know what?
I'm going to say this is a meme, and I'm going to vanish so you can screen grab it.
All right, next.
This is a meme.
It can be two panels, like a comic, but it's not considered a comic.
Now, I believe brevity is wit, and that one of the things the left does wrong when they can't meme is they overstate their joke.
And this might be that.
So what are some of the things that your dad says?
I love you.
You make me proud.
Good job.
Never point a gun at a person unless you intend to shoot them.
Always practice trigger discipline.
Always check a gun when you pick it up to see if it is loaded communist-armed people.
That's pretty funny.
I think it would have been better if these kids are black and they didn't say anything like, I don't know, can't wait to meet them.
Who?
That would have been funnier.
You could use Puerto Ricans too.
Anyone from the Bronx, really.
I'm not counting that, though, because though it technically is a meme, it's not a good meme, so I'm not going to vanish.
What do you got next?
Achievement unlocked full retard.
Yeah, that's, I guess that's a meme.
I mean, it is a picture, right?
Like, this is a graphic.
But yeah, we're counting that as a meme.
Take it away.
Next.
This is not a meme, but it's pretty funny.
Anyone else in a poly relationship?
This is my family in our Halloween costumes.
I went as the NCR Ranger.
No idea what the fuck that is.
I assume it's a show for kids.
A video game.
And my wife's boyfriend went as Joshua.
Little Bryden was our vault baby.
Interested in hearing about your dynamics.
Look at his gross shoes.
He's wearing like dress shoes and his pants are too big for him.
Which one is the cuck?
Is this the couple?
And then he gets to fuck them whenever he wants?
What is this relationship?
He's definitely not the husband.
Or what if he is the husband?
And this is the guy.
That's the guy boning your wife.
And that's your baby.
But that's the guy that does the boning.
You're not happy about it, but whatever.
There's no such thing as a polyamorous relationship.
If you hear of one, you are seeing a temporary thing that is about to blow up in all of their faces.
Seeing a polyamorous relationship, a threesome relationship, is like seeing a person made of ash.
You can just go up to that relationship and go, and it'll go, pfft.
All right, next.
You may consume three beans, but no more.
They will know if you consume more.
I don't get this.
Am I a boomer?
You're young, Ryan.
Do you get it?
I do not.
You do not get it.
Okay.
I'll be asking, I'll be consulting you about a lot of these.
I'm going to say, no, that's not a meme.
And I'm not a boomer, by the way.
I'm Gen X. I hate boomers.
This is not a meme.
This is a cartoon, but it's a very good cartoon.
So why can the military waste billions on the F-35, but not on trans soldiers?
Because the F-35 kills people, and trans folk don't?
Ha!
Just watch me.
And then he's sweating.
I love this reaction, too, because that's how we feel about all you trannies and your insane suicide, right?
You think we're going, yeah, another one bites the dust.
But we're going, oh, Jesus Christ, these people are a mess.
All right, next.
The man on the right is going to prison for doing what the man on the left is doing.
Fair?
Definitely not.
This is a meme.
But, dude, what is this?
First of all, what's two commas?
And definitely not is superfluous.
The man on the right is going to prison for what the man on the left is doing.
The end.
Circumcise your jokes.
I'm not disappearing for this.
It's not good enough.
This is not a meme.
Again, this is for my personal collection, I should add.
And a lot of the times I'm just a horny old perv.
This was from that thing I was talking about on the other show where no matter how ugly and shitty women try to make themselves, their innate beauty is inescapable.
Like, look, what are these girls talking about, too?
They're probably like Ukrainian feminists or something, bitching about the Catholic Church.
It says poota on her ass, which is like, sounds good to me.
Women don't...
Who told you that that was not anything but streaking?
"You're a streaker." And those women don't look...
Muslims in Australia request speech ban at Bondi Beach.
Respect Ramadan, no bikinis.
Aussie's reply with, okay, no problem.
Again, we could lose all of this text and just have that.
And we get the joke.
But yeah, that's a meme.
I'm not disappearing for it because when we say the left can't meme, we're making fun of them for making their point too long.
So we can't be responsible for that.
Next, white men with guns are America's biggest terrorists.
Then we have murder and manslaughter rate per 100,000.
2016 FBI crime data.
White, 1.42.
Hispanic, 2.54.
Yikes.
Black is 12.37 murders per 100,000.
That's not good.
All right, next.
That's a meme, though, right?
Is this one of the original memes?
Is this a 100-year-old meme?
Origin and development of a suffragette.
At 15, a little pet.
At 22, a little coquette.
At 40, not married yet.
At 50, a suffragette.
And I bet they were grumpy feminist cunts.
In fact, they're kind of the ones that we have problems with today.
We should maybe call them suffragettes.
Is it suffragette or suffragette?
I hope you're not asking me.
Let's start calling them suffragette.
That's a funny insult, too, because it's kind of a piss tick on ourselves for being old-fashioned.
And it also implies that women shouldn't vote and that they especially shouldn't vote.
We got a new insult, folks.
All right, next.
And I'm not counting that.
Come back with a warrant that is an awesome, what do you call those?
Patch quilt things?
Dove stitching thingamadoodles?
I don't know.
Macrame?
Yes, it's a macrame owl.
Good work, Ryan.
Thank you for your input.
That's not a meme, but it's awesome.
And I want it on my front door.
Netflix in the background asking if I'm still watching.
Me, someone's daughter.
Jesus.
You know, these women in court who do transcriptions and translations, they're obviously autistic if you're that good and that fast.
So they tend to be a little fucked in the head.
That's why she's licking her teak up like that.
But this is possibly a perfect meme.
I'm going to vanish for that one and let you guys take that away.
Okay, next.
I would love to have the strength of that chair and the faith of that dog.
Again, erase me.
Okay, next.
This is also a perfect meme.
You successfully make it into Area 51, force open a set of doors, and see this.
What's your next move?
You know what I think?
I think I texted this to Alex Jones and said, you are the most memeable person in the world.
God, his punches hurt.
Me trying to make a joke that won't offend anyone in 2019.
My wife died in a laser accident.
What is your problem?
So this is amazing because I guess it's on Twitter or something.
This is a fantastic meme that's worth disappearing for.
And that reaction is fucking awesome.
I don't usually like something extra at the end.
I always say circumcise your jokes.
But this foreskin is delicious.
That's a t-shirt.
Again, get me out of here.
All right.
Although you youngsters might not know, video killed the radio star.
Next.
Mass shooters 2019.
Every person charged with or arrested for shooting four plus people in a single incident.
This is a very relevant infographic.
It's not a meme.
But yeah, look at all the people who did mass shootings.
We got white, black, white, black, black, black, black, black, white, black, black, black, white, black, black, black, white, black, non-white, black, white, black, white.
In quotation marks, it's a woman.
They don't really count.
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, white, white, white, white, black, black, black.
I'm doing this for the benefit of the guys who aren't watching the video.
Anyway, you get it.
Oh, don't forget the trans shooter.
All right, next.
That's a fact.
I want that as a poster.
Again, Mr. Meme, and get me out of here for this one.
Epstein dies, everyone.
You know, it was weird about that too?
After Epstein died, this is what I thought.
I go, good, everyone's on.
everyone's on board.
Even my wife was saying, You know what?
Maybe there is some shit going on.
And I was like, Welcome to the club, my dear.
And then it kind of fizzled out.
It's sort of like when the dentist came to your school when you were 13 and he said, You got a floss, and it's very important.
Here's a picture of someone who didn't floss, and they're dead, and they have AIDS and everything.
And you go, I'm going to start flossing.
I don't want AIDS.
And then you floss like crazy for like three days, and then you brush your teeth twice a day, maybe for another four days, and then you're like, You just go back to once a day in the morning.
That's the way it is with Epstein.
In other words, we can't convince him.
This is not a meme, but it's a hilarious collection of pictures.
The Trump baby blimp is the ultimate symbol of Britain's commitment to free speech.
And then British police arrest at least 3,395 people for offensive comments online in one year.
That should be a bigger focus in British news is all these ridiculous arrests for rude tweets while they let Islam run rampant.
All right, next.
Go ahead, call the police.
They can't unrape you.
This is highly offensive, and I should disappear for it.
Rape jokes can be funny.
Next.
Jeffrey Epstein's prison guards calling for an ambulance.
Erase me, please.
Holy shit, that's gold.
By the way, what a bunch of inbred retards.
You make a bunch of money and you get it in cash for some.
Like that much cash, that's like half a million dollars.
And then you hold it up to your head like it's a phone.
Are you five years old?
Remember Conor McGregor said that about Floyd Mayweather?
He goes, why'd you got a fucking school bag?
What's in your bag?
Largest man in the world, 1903, American police officer, 2012.
Why do police not have to do annual physicals?
What is going on with that?
That guy cannot catch anyone.
Anyone at all.
He can't catch my six-year-old son.
What if my six-year-old son was in trouble?
Oh, wait, go back.
We didn't discuss if that's a meme or not.
Yeah, that's a meme.
Get me out of here.
Okay, next.
That's not a meme.
That's a hilarious picture.
There's a great Telegram feed called Fat People Hate.
I highly recommend it.
A lot of these are stolen from there, and this is one of them.
Oh, this is the same as the previous one.
Is this a meme, Ryan?
No, it seems like a bunch of valid points and information.
The human freight car, Chauncey Moreland, 1869-1906, one of the Barnum and Bailey Circus's fat freak show attractions.
Isn't that amazing?
In 1900, that was a fat freak show.
That's not a fat guy at my local bar.
Okay, maybe you would say he's chubby.
Like if this guy was at my bar, they might call him Big Ed, but they wouldn't go, holy shit, that guy's fat.
They just go, that's a slightly large gentleman.
In fact, there is a guy there named Big Gavin.
And because the differentiate between me, I guess.
And he's about that size.
Look at this shit.
I need fat acceptance because I am fat and self-acceptance is being.
I can't read this one.
Can you read that one?
I need fat acceptance because everyone should wear whatever they want and feel good about being naked.
That's not true.
Does this apply to men?
I need fat acceptance because I am tired of what?
Hiding from the world.
Oh my God.
Bad acceptance.
The self-justification movement in 2013 where you can be as lazy and disrespectful to your body as you want.
All of these people are dying.
We don't hate them.
They think we hate them.
We don't hate them.
We didn't hate this guy.
We paid a quarter to see him.
Go next.
Fatty Fatty 2x4 can't fit through the kitchen door.
That could have been a lot funnier.
Could have made a tomato joke.
You could have talked about a Veruka salt from Willy Wonka.
Really disappointing, guys.
Tantric sex sessions have left my vagina looking like a ponch lasagna.
That's a hilarious screen grab.
We're not counting that as a meme.
This is a meme.
I was so distracted by the pants, I didn't notice the 186-month-old baby in cart.
Look, the baby's feet are touching the bottom of the cart.
This child is eight years old.
And yeah, so this is a real wonderful twofer because I didn't notice that these were pants until this.
The only thing making them pants is this.
What a dumb bitch.
That's what I was saying about leggings earlier.
Okay, go ahead.
This is a tweet.
Hulu's new series, The Bravest Knight, will follow a mixed-race gay couple and their adopted 10-year-old daughter.
You know, the only reason that that bothers us, whatever you are, Cartoon Network, Hulu, is because you're crowbarring this bullshit into cartoons.
Not because they're actually there, it's because you crowbarred it in there.
You know what I mean?
It's why it's there that bugs us.
And that wasn't a meme, that was a tweet.
This isn't a meme.
This is a tweet.
Happy Pride Month.
Our staff is filled with people of all sexualities, so we love supporting that.
Bruh, those are two brothers.
All right, let's wind this down after a few.
That's just a funny picture of a woman performing some sort of ritual that must be a million years old.
Next.
This, again, is a screen grab.
Street Fighters' Queer Stereotypes Kept Me in the Closet.
Okay, we'll end it on this.
The only open-minded presidents we've ever had.
That is fucking...
Because, bring me back.
Because sometimes quality is more important than semantics.
Thanks.
How am I going to remember which ones I've covered?
Well, we remember that we stopped at the...
I want to keep collecting them.
Ah.
We could list them out.
I could try using my brain, but I don't like that.
Come on.
All right, I think it's time for the mailbag.
Already?
Well, and we're gonna have to bag mail it up.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
Let me touch it.
Very wrinkly photo, Ryan.
Still wrinkly.
That's a phenomenally wrinkly photo.
That was from the Sharia march.
I could smooth the anti-Sharia rally.
No, no, no.
Gavin, I do not accept your apology for the Robert Downing Jr. fashion review episode.
That was one of the funniest pieces of content you have produced since the time you got astronomically high and attempted to do a full unscripted episode on your old compound media show.
It's a given that a large part of your viewership are here exclusively for your hilarious observations of modern-day politics, but your take on irreverent subject matter is equally appreciated and can be a nice break from the depressing daily dive into the insanity of Clown World.
Thanks.
That's a nice one.
That is nice.
So now that I have taken over the mailbag, I can just go over here into our stuff and you can follow too because you get the same emails, right?
Yes.
So here's one from Michelle.
And she goes, Gavin Scottish impersonation in a real person.
Have you got that one?
You don't even have it sent to folders.
Set up a rule in your email program.
It took me two seconds.
And then the rule.
President Bill Clinton.
So you want to go to 430.
As far as we know, is not one that he wore and work through Epstein to perhaps own certain people, certain princes, perhaps, certain presidents or past presidents or prime ministers even.
Well, I wouldn't exculpate your own intelligence service from that or any other, actually, because it's quite obvious that compromat, as the Russians put it, compromising material on powerful people is a useful thing for intelligence services to have.
So ponder this scenario.
Jeffrey Epstein had a whole stable full of young girls and he was quite clearly not just a pervert himself, but very spooky.
He was spooky.
Aye.
Do you know who that is, Hen?
That's George Galloway.
He's an absolute fucking nutter.
Classic, classic.
But he's one of these fucking lefties who's just fanatically obsessed with the underdog.
You know, if you go to a Celtics game in Glasgow, they'll have a huge Palestinian flag unfurled.
They've got nothing to do with Israel.
They've no idea what's going on there.
They just like underdogs.
So George Galloway fucking hates Israel, loves Palestine.
He takes anyone's side that's not the winner.
And it's bloody tedious.
I mean, he's an absolute bampot.
But he does well in Scotland, I think.
All right.
Here's one from DW.
Ryan, what's with your hair?
Your hair makes you look like a shitty version of Prince.
And while he made some cool music, which I agree with, he was a total fag.
Yeah, my wife is obsessed with Prince.
She went to his house recently on some tour where they have raspberry beret for dinner or something.
And I go, honey, there was Purple Rain, then there was Delirious Controversy.
There's like 50 of that Prince in the New Power Generation albums that all sucked rocks.
You're excited about maybe three albums.
More like two and a half.
Anyway.
Gavin, I'm a correctional officer in Canada.
I heard you use the word goof on the show the other day.
Just a heads up, calling someone a goof in a Canadian prison is literally the worst thing you can say to someone, inmate RCO, and immediately initiates a fight.
Ryan, you're a fucking goof.
Turn down the suck, bud.
Like you more than a friend.
Well, that was a mean one.
Yeah, that was the saying we always had as kids because we heard the same thing.
And we'd always say, goof is a go-word in juvie.
Go word?
That means we're going to go?
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Goof is a go-word in juvie.
And the other one we used to always say, the other Canadian thing we used to repeat all the time is, Maggie Longclaus is pregnant.
What the hell does that mean?
It's just like a Canadian thing.
You're pretending that you know a chick named Maggie Longclaus and she's pregnant.
All right.
I think we're done here.
Let's end, though, on an up note.
I don't want to get too Captain Bring down on the show.
So I found these funny goats you've probably already heard of that climb up so high that it makes your balls clench.
And I like doing the videos in the green screen studio from now on so we can point at stuff.
So let's head back over there now and look at a funny goat I forgot the name of.
Ibex.
You may already be familiar with this, I don't know what the fuck it is, a goat?
It's called an ibex, and it can go up things that are basically perpendicular to sea level.
This is in China where no one gives a shit about animals.
I don't know why you don't just throw these things, some salt blocks, but they like going up on this hill because it has salt on it and they need salt to build their bones.
You know why everyone needs salt.
So they climb up here with their kids, and I believe they're called kids.
They climb these mountains to get salt.
You're not going to believe these little fuckers.
I just, can we donate salt to this?
I got salt coming out of the wazoo.
We got a whole drawer of salt near our cutlery.
But these guys keep climbing.
And the Chinese don't care.
That's a non-Chinese guy talking about them.
And there's the guy summoning the courage.
Again, these people aren't drunk.
We had a lot of Mohawk Indians help build our skyscrapers here in New York, but I think a lot of them had a buzz.
And that's why they were so brave.
They also have big feet so they can bounce better.
But I don't think these things have a buzz.
They do have cool little toes, though.
This is a superfluous little thing where he goes, I wouldn't do that for salt, but I'm no Ibex.
Look at this thing.
Look at that.
The camera's not doing it justice.
So the kid wants to go up.
It is called a kid, right?
A baby goat?
Don't do it, dude.
Salt's not that great.
I like it, but not that much.
Can't we just get that chef, dude, to stand at the top of the dam and sprinkle it down?
This is amazing, but I don't feel like I'm impressing anyone right now.
Jesus H. Now it keeps going and they get higher and higher until they're, I'd say, 80 feet high.
Aren't the Chinese worried about them?
I don't think this is a good thing to develop.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Is this a talent that we're excited about?
Oh, Jesus.
You know, Kale Hartman, that comedian who had his life ruined by feminists, does this thing I've talked about a million times on the show, but I love it.
Where he'll see people working on a roof or on scaffolding and he'll go, hey, what the hell you think you're doing?
Get down from there now.
No, no, no, we're not doing.
No, you and you down.
Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?
And roofers are, look at that shit.
Roofers are usually illegal.
Or not illegal, but foreigners.
Yeah, probably illegal.
Outside of Boston.
He's almost at the top.
And they don't laugh.
They just sort of look down.
Sometimes they laugh because the Mexicans we get tend to be northern Mexican.
They tend to have a good sense of humor.
But for the most part, they just look down in disarray.
Anyway, disbelief.
If I was there, I'd be screaming at these things.
I'll get you some fucking salt.
Look at that.
It's going 90 degrees.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Okay, this is now worth it.
Look at that shit.
Look at this.
Boy, you could kill those easy.
This is like something at a Game of Thrones.
They're trying to get up the wall.
They're the walking dead goats.
Dead goats are a good man.
So is Lost Goat.
Hold on, buddy.
Anyway, yesterday we had a very violent video, and it showed people in domestic situations, young boys beating up, stepfathers that beat their mothers.
A little depressing.
Thought I'd keep it kind of light this week.
Let's go back to me.
If you work near a Chinese dam, anywhere even close to Beijing, and you see these poor bastards scaling those walls, throw them some salt.
Throw tons of salt chunks down there.
I don't care if it kills all the grass.
Throw down salt licks.
How much can a salt lick be?
10 bucks?
I'll pay for it.
Buy five salt licks, roll them off the top of the dam, let them shatter on the ground.
Give those poor bastards something to lick at.
How much is that now?
The salt lick?
10 bucks.
10 bucks, like I said.
And if the owner of the dam catches you, the guy that you work for, and you get fired, good.
Get fired.
Get in trouble.
Be brave.
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