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June 18, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
57:33
S02E24 - MOVIE MAGIC
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Time Text
There's a war on nature.
Live from New York, it's Get Off My Lawn with Kevin McGinnis.
Well, you can be an Earth Warrior too.
Cause I'm a warrior.
How about you?
Whoa, I'm a warrior.
That's an Earth Warrior.
A shockingly corny band from the Netherlands who sing in all kinds of different languages and they believe in the Earth so much that they want you to believe also.
Go back to the beginning of that video.
The very, very beginning.
It has a weird disclaimer.
Can you make that full screen so I can see it?
They are terrible.
No, no, no.
Before that, very beginning, very beginning.
There we go.
It is permitted to watch this video in whatever way you like.
There are no penalties or prison sentences if you watch this outside your home, in a tent, on an oil platform, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You may even stick it up your nose if you like.
Hey, Europeans, I don't know what it is about you, but you're so profoundly uncool.
Maybe it's because we have blacks.
But when whites are left to their own devices, the way they talk, hey man, I'm going down to the disco.
Wait, go back to the disclaimer.
The views and opinions expressed by the pagan folk band in this video are wholly and completely shared by pagan scum records.
It's affiliates and its parent company.
You know, this is a singer, and he owns the record label and everything about this.
Omni's not a band of corporate enslaved pussies prostituting themselves for money.
Omni is a self-managed band of actual activists and free-thinking musicians.
Hokahey's even got his own.
We should get a saying like a Hokahe.
I guess we have Uhuru.
Check out this video.
It is so unbelievably bad.
That's nice.
I like nature.
By the way, you're not blowing any minds by being in the woods.
Rednecks are never not in the woods.
Look at this.
Wait, turn it up.
So if you feel like I feel the love of the earth, well, you can...
Hey, how is clubbing baby seals hurting the earth?
Look at him.
What is on your head?
And meth addict.
He moves like he's singing speed metal, but he's singing weird reggae.
And you know what else they're doing?
They don't appropriate black culture, so they're not using a Jamaican accent.
Turn it up.
Dredge.
Pretty hot.
There's a lot of hot chicks in the Earth activism movement.
Except half of them are dead.
You got one chick and one dead chick for all those burly earth men.
My children, my children, their freedom, my goal.
I'll be fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting.
Fighting for the earth?
What are you going to do?
Beat up the oil company?
Oh!
Leaf booze.
Did they film this at a Renaissance fair?
They did.
They did do that.
But is that all Renaissance?
I mean, no, I think that's their friends.
Look, even the old man is in there for some pussy.
Oh, anything to get laid.
Since my divorce, it's become very hard to meet young women.
Until I became an Earth warrior.
Whoa, what about that?
They're pro-war.
But their guns are axes.
Turn it up, dude.
I can't hear it.
It's loud in the mix.
Alright, that's enough.
That's exactly like the.
I want to catch up on some videos this particular episode.
That's exactly like the Targaryen chick.
Yeah, that's off the same album.
It's Clean Reggae for White People.
Sans Jamaican influence.
I'm a Rastafarian Targaryen.
I got some dragons in there.
Conascarian.
That blew her off the hot babe list.
And I think she was number three.
Something good in that shit.
She was right up there.
Number three.
Do you like the song Eat the Meek by No Effects?
No, I don't like No Effects.
I don't like 90s punk.
It's not punk.
It's PowerPop.
Okay.
Although, I will say, we were sort of snobby about Rancid because they were so late to the game.
But as far as the punk experience, they were an authentically punk band and had maybe even as many hits as The Clash.
There, I said it.
And I regret poo-pooing them in the past.
That guy, Tim Armstrong, I think pitching a fastball over 100 miles an hour and writing a lot of pop songs is an incredible gift that some don't have.
I think I'm going to have to turn it up manually on the speaker, you shithead.
What a weird thing to play guitar.
That guy, the other guy in that video, not the singer, that's Lars Fredrickson, the guy with the fat head who does that All I Want to Do is fight.
He's got some great jams too.
I suspect Tim Armstrong wrote them as a favor.
You'll notice that when people are hanging around really good songwriters, they're really good songwriters and then they're not, when they're not hanging around them.
Like Courtney Love got real good at writing songs when she was dating Kurt Cobain.
Then when he blew his head off, the quality in the songs got a little bit worse.
Interesting.
Hmm.
What a funny.
Ryan just had a tooth removed, by the way.
It's very unique.
How are you feeling, Rye guy?
Let's have a look at you.
Feeling good.
Let me get these.
I just gotta get this camera on real quick.
Okay.
I also took some things for the pain.
So you're feeling funny.
Now that I had a painkiller day, now you have a painkiller day.
That's right.
So you're going to be a little lowgie, as the diabetics like to say.
But these are legal painkillers.
Do you ever hang out with a diabetic and you're talking to him and he just starts acting weird?
No.
Yeah, it's a thing.
When you hang out with diabetics, when they're low on blood sugar, they just start going, I guess.
Oh, dude, wait, wait, wait.
I think I have diabetes then.
And then you go, I got to get you a Gatorade like now.
And you get him a Gatorade and he's like, whoa, what the hell was that about?
Speaking of songwriting on today's Super Video app, by the way, you must be enjoying my vintage t-shirt, Operation Desert Storm.
Do you remember that one?
1991?
That was when Saddam Hussein said, no, I'm going to control the oil, actually.
Kuwait is now mine and I handle all oil prices.
And we went, those were the glory days when we would turn the desert to glass if it rubbed us the wrong way.
Some of the greatest war movies came from that war.
Oh, like what?
Like In the Army Now with Pauly Shore and Andy Dick.
Yeah, that's a really good example of a great war movie, Ryan.
It holds up.
It's so funny.
Okay.
Speaking of songwriting, look down at my notes here to yesterday.
Yesterday's this movie, I think it might already be out.
know um and it's about Okay.
Not that far down.
Stony baloney.
Quarter, dude.
Gotcha.
It's about a guy who, there's a weird sort of blip.
It's like the earth gets rebooted and thousands of cities go without power.
And at the same time, he hits his head.
Which is, wait a minute.
The hitting your head and having a new magical thing is the same as Amy Schumer in Pretty Girl.
She feels bad about herself because she's an ugly five.
Then she hits her head and then she comes out and she sees herself as a 10, which makes her come across as a D Y K E?
What?
I was going to say as a 7.
You really are the shittiest detective in the world.
You are like, get smart.
You need to market that, dude.
You have an ability to get the worst possible answer to every question.
What's two and two?
What's two plus two?
Music.
Yeah, it would be something, not a number.
Oh, man.
I should be on like the boardwalk.
Like, you put a quarter on me, and I'm just like, yeah.
Oh, great.
Oh, great, shitty detective.
Oh, tell me what.
If Amy Schumer's a five in real life and she hits her head and feels like a 10, what is she?
The answer, by the way, is seven.
Not to spell the word dyke.
I hope you didn't show any compromising either.
I got a when you did that.
What's going on here?
So yeah, show the trailer for yesterday.
You can handle that.
I got you.
I could do your job.
Passed out.
Yep.
Blackout drunk.
I've asked you to find this link now about two hours ago.
And how are we doing with it?
Doing good better.
What are you doing?
Jamil unused.
No, it's in today's notes, you retard!
Okay, hold on.
Here we go.
What are you doing?
Oh, I don't even know where you are.
No, that's another email.
Are you high?
There's a couple emails.
Hold on.
Yeah, song is the first one.
That starts with the Earth song.
Then you go down like eight links and you see yesterday.
Oh, I got you.
Wow.
That was tough.
Yeah, that's it.
Show the logos.
You should have had all these ready, by the way.
This was my last gig.
If it hasn't happened by now, it's like a miracle.
Miracles happen.
I hate that production companies show you their logos in the opening.
So all the lights go out in the whole world.
What happened?
Electricity flicked off all over the world.
Sheesh!
Yesterday.
Ellie bought you a present.
Oh, my troubles seem so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in the world.
It's weird watching a trailer on a show.
I mean, I'm into it.
Why did you write that?
I didn't write it.
Paul McCartney wrote it.
The Beatles.
Who?
Is it the guy who did Thor?
No.
The Beatles.
It's the guy who did Slum Dog Millionaire.
Oh, okay.
See, no one's heard of the Beatles.
No one's heard of John Lennon.
No one's heard of Paul McCartney.
And he's a failed musician who is about to give up his career.
And he finally is realizing now that the Beatles don't exist.
Whoa, snap.
So he's just going to steal all their songs.
Wow.
Mother Mary comes to me.
Sorry.
I'm just listening to Jack's new song.
What's this one called?
Leave It Be.
Let it be.
Leave It Be.
Leave It Be.
They do that joke a few times, even in the trailer.
I want to hold your hand.
Hi, we should talk.
See, we pay.
All right, so anyway, you get the idea.
He becomes a super famous millionaire musician, and then some supermodel wants to date him.
But should I stay with the girl I had at the beginning?
They always have to put a romance thing in there, so girls will come to the movie too, and they got to double their revenue that way.
But the guys are sitting there going, why is there a love story, a love thread?
Even my son, we went to see Spider-Man, the one with Kirsten Dunce.
And he's like, why do I got to watch these two go on dates?
I just want to see Spider-Man.
We're at Spider-Man, not Spidey the Love Bug.
Anyway, so that's a cool idea for a movie, and it looks like it's really well done, and I bet it's going to be good.
But you can't just take the part of Hot Tub Time Machine that you thought was a really good part.
In Hot Tub Time Machine, Lou, what's his name?
Turn it up.
He starts Google.
My real passion's music, though.
So pissed the band broke up.
Band?
What band were you ever in?
Oh, yeah.
Motley Lou.
Yeah, and he starts Lugal instead of.
Yeah, Lugal is a search engine he started.
He went back in time.
You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's a gold.
Director Steve Pink.
Oh my god, if I changed my name, I think it'd be Steve Pink.
Isn't that an awesome name?
Yeah.
Oh wait, this is the actual credits for the movie.
This is the ending of the movie.
So Steve Pink's a real guy.
I don't know why you laughed at that.
I thought, fuck you, Steve.
I thought you were just laughing at his name.
No.
But it reminds me also of Office Space.
What are you doing?
Did that almost make you puke?
I got more where that comes from.
He's throwing bloody wads of gauze into the office wastebasket.
Told you we should put a bag in there, and you're like, nah.
Oh, I want to talk about puke as a weapon later on.
After we do this.
But yeah, so Hot Tub Time Machine has this thing where Lou goes back in time.
He starts Lugal.
And then he also goes back in time and just shows Motley Crue and Nikki Sixx all of his own songs.
I wonder if that would...
Maybe you have X amount of gas in the tank, and if you were to give Nikki Six all his awesome songs that he wrote, like Home, Sweet Home, or Coming Home, whatever that was, maybe that would save his gas, and then he'd still have another 12 super hits because he didn't spend it on those super hits.
So he's obviously a talented songwriter.
Then you could go back in time again and show him those 24 super hits.
Then he writes 12 more.
When would it end?
He could have like 500 super hits.
Anyway, so Office Space had a thing where they shaved the fraction off every transaction.
Do you remember this?
On 1,000,210.
Compounds the interest, right?
It uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded up.
So we simplified the whole thing and we just rounded them all down and just dropped the remainder into an account that we opened.
So you're stealing?
No, no, you don't understand.
It's very complicated.
It's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here.
And over time, they add up to a lot.
Oh, okay.
So you're going to make a lot of money, right?
Yeah.
Right?
It's not yours?
Well, it becomes ours.
How is that not stealing?
I don't think that I'm explaining this very well.
You remember this part?
The 7-Eleven.
So every transaction has a bunch of different decimal places, and you have to round it up or down.
So instead of rounding it up, they round it down and they get those little shavings, those penny shavings, and they add up, which is the plot of Superman 3.
There are always fractions left over in big corporations, but they round it down to the lowest whole number.
What am I supposed to do with half a cent, buy a third red mouse?
You mean everybody loses those fractions?
They don't exactly lose them.
You can't lose what you never got.
Then what happens to those half cents?
The company gets it?
No, not really.
They can't be bothered to collect a half cent from your paycheck any more than you could.
Then what happens to them?
They're just floating around out there.
The computer's nowhere.
How many sugars?
One and a half.
One and a half.
Anyway, if you recall, the way Office Space dealt with that is they said someone explains the shaving of the scent.
They go, yeah, no, it was the same as it was in Superman 3.
So they just quote Superman 3 in the movie Office Space, which, by the way, was written by Mike Judge, one of the greatest comedy writers of all time.
You got to see that movie he did about working at a soda factory, or was it a beer factory?
God, it was good.
He talks about how you have to get home.
If you want to have sex with your wife, you have to get home before she does the drawstring on her sweatpants when she comes home to change.
And they see him racing to get home and someone talks to the guy for too long.
And he finally gets in the door just as Kristen Wigg is like tying up the sweatpants and he's like, damn it!
So yeah, it's a brilliant trick to get away with murder.
You just say, yeah, I stole it from Superman 3.
What do you want to do about it, bitch?
So go to the very end of the notes because you making me barf reminded me of this vomit as a weapon.
It's the fourth last link on our notes.
Okay, check this out.
Make this full screen.
This is a fight going on at some parking garage, and some woman comes up with a new weapon that snakes and a lot of reptiles have been using for a while.
But this is the first time I've seen a human use it.
No audio?
Okay, keep your eye on the fat chick.
Was it audio on yours?
I don't know.
When you saw it?
I don't think so.
Maybe not.
I don't remember.
Here we go.
Okay, keep your eye on the fat chick.
The fat chick on the far left.
She's about to unleash.
By the way, warning, trigger warning, this is gross.
Blah.
And then she gets in there with a good one.
Oh, oh.
Wow.
Whoa, I just had a laugh, cough, barf.
Oh, oh, she did it again.
She did it again?
Oh, go back.
Wow, she's almost like a fucking.
I was too busy talking about myself.
Oh, now she's using it on other people.
I clicked off because I couldn't look at it.
Wait, go back.
Are they all her enemies?
Is she getting the right people or is she getting some allies?
Is there some friendly fire in there?
Oh, I got another one.
Ew.
No, that one was just...
That poor bastard is, how does he not puke now?
Covered in bitch.
So, anyway, I go, well, that's the only time that's going to be on camera.
Nope.
I have a Jewish gentleman and a person of color getting in a tiff.
Of course, every time you look up this link, it's all about racism, but who knows?
It could have been the same as the last time.
But this, that Hasidic Jew, or is he Orthodox?
He doesn't like that person of color.
wow It's a vampire.
Oh, no.
Did he just break a bottle on her head?
I tried.
Anyway, I love you.
I'm not the fan.
And then does nothing.
You know what that might be?
Get out of there.
Fast.
You gotta go.
What the fudge?
It might have had his mouth full of like a drink.
Because it looked a little...
It didn't...
There wasn't a lot...
I looked too in control.
The other one was like...
Yeah.
I think we're still at one example of barf.
I don't know, because I see you smiling.
Look at this.
I see open mouth.
Oh, you.
I think that's like, pew, have you ever been barfed on?
I made people barf.
You feel sick?
Yeah.
Whoa, that would be cool if watching those clips made you so sick that you threw up and then you barfed on me.
Yeah.
That would suck.
All right, let's start the show, right?
Jesus.
Yeah.
We're already pretty deep into it.
I was going to choose this song.
Now you're over to Link 2, my friend.
And it's by Woody Guthrie.
Show the picture when you show this, because he's got his guitar.
This guitar kills fascists.
This machine kills fascists.
God, folk music is boring, isn't it?
Turn it up.
I can't hear anything today.
It's in the mix real good.
I'm not in the mix.
I'm not in the mix.
Hi, I like folk music.
It's just a little plucking on the guitar and then me saying a poem.
In other words, it's kind of just part of a song.
Well, let's bore everyone to tears.
By the way, just pause for a second.
You see, this machine kills fascists.
The left, back in World War II, was totally pro-communist, pro-Russia.
And then they...
I'm screwing up this story.
I think they may have even been pro-Nazi.
I think the left was sympathetic to Germany in World War II.
And then they started killing Jews.
And then they started saying, oh, no, no, no, fascists.
And then Woody Guthrie was like, this machine kills fascists.
We hate.
Let me go double check that before I go making it part of my news program.
Or maybe you can look it up.
But yeah, the whole this machine kills fascists is a 90-degree turn on their views of either Nazis or communists.
They're both the same to me.
But anyway, this is a really good article.
Nolte, John Nolte over at Breitbart.
And they've decided, or sorry, some Native American activist has decided that Woody Guthrie is racist.
And that song, you're familiar with the song, right?
Yeah.
This land is your land, this land is my land, from Vancouver Island to the Himalayan Mountains.
And it's all, it's actually a pro-Indian song because it's saying the colonists, the landowners, they don't own this land.
We own this land together.
But this writer was taking, this Smithsonian writer was taking it to mean that this is America's land.
The song, This Land Is Our Land, was meant as a rebuke of God bless America because he thought that was too patriotic.
But John Nolte's a great writer.
Pull that article up.
See if I can read it.
Blow it up.
The fascist woke tards are now attacking.
Do you feel weird?
Yeah.
Okay.
The fascist woke tards are now attacking communist folk singer Woody Guthrie for the patriotic rhetoric in his classic anthem, This Land is Your Land.
By the way, there's an asterisk on communist because he wasn't technically a member.
An American Indian writer at Smithsonian Folklife admits the lyrics to This Land is Your Land shake me up like a soda can every time I hear them.
As an activist folk musician and songwriter in Lula Wildes and recent label mate of Woody Guthrie on Smithsonian Folkways recordings, oh, I'm already tedioused to death.
My social circles tend to worship Guthrie as the father of all musical protests.
But as a native person, I believe This Land is Your Land falls flat.
Oh.
By critiquing This Land is Your Land, I don't mean to imply that Guthrie himself promoted conquest, but the song is indicative of American leftist role in native invisibility.
Oh my God.
It's like working out reading their writing.
But scroll way down.
Not way down, but no, no, Lord.
No, back to where we were.
Okay, this is one of my favorite paragraphs and why I brought it up.
The overall piece is some 2,700 tedious and self-aggrandizing words long, one of those endless simpering essays that is three times longer than necessary because the writer is so terrified of saying something incorrect that the unfortunate reader is buried in all her ass covering.
My Canadian accent peaked out there with buried.
That is so true, and I'm sorry to be sexist, but I find it true of women's writing in particular, especially young women.
When they write, holy crap, do they go on?
Which brings me to the hot story of the day, according to Twitter Moments, which I think is a great place to go for the top stories.
Because, like, you look at the top stories At CNN, and it's focused on politics and global policy and war.
And you look at Fox News, and it's more like the GOP perspective.
Although there is a lot of liberal perspective, believe it or not, on Fox News if you ever actually watch it.
But Twitter moments encapsulate everything.
So if sports is big that day, if LeBron James broke his leg, it's on the front page.
So you don't really get what's important.
You get what's important to all of America.
And that's often inane trash.
Anyway, today's inane trash.
Where is it in my notes?
I'm having trouble finding it now.
It might be on the more on one.
Yeah, but that's just more on it.
Oh.
Oh, the original one that's in there.
From the first email that would be after Norm...
Yeah.
Oh, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, so go to that one.
That's John Landis' son.
John Landis did Animal House, the greatest work of art the world's ever seen.
It should be in the Louvre.
It's a masterpiece.
He's worth $150 million.
And I don't think it's possible to have $150 million and not have a kid that's a douche.
Like, he's had, he has nerf parties at his house.
He started this sort of group of kids called the Color Collective or the Color Family or something like that.
And he makes these terrible videos or made those terrible videos that were just about him getting laid.
And the guy's a douche and he appears to be a total asshole, but that's not illegal.
And this guy's career is over now because you just showed his face, by the way, Ryan, without the headline.
That's not interesting to the people at home.
Multiple women come forward with allegations of abuse by Hollywood screenwriter Max Landis.
Look at his ears.
He should have known this was coming.
He should have heard these rumors from a mile away.
He can hear the future.
He can hear this right now.
We'll probably get a text.
Hey, I couldn't help but hear that on the other end of the continent, you guys are planning to discuss the end of my career.
So, you know, as I've said a million times, I ran to a guy at a bar last night, by the way, recognized me.
He goes, hey, man, big fan of the show.
You got to stop repeating your stories.
And I said, fuck you.
They're greatest hits.
Tell the stones to stop doing satisfaction.
But as I always say, seven years ago, if I heard about some serial rapist, I'd say, let's go get him.
Let's get the baseball bats, boys.
Today I go, let me look into this.
Now, looking into this means going into Millennial Land.
And Millennial Land is a chore.
First of all, look at this article, this Daily Beast article.
So now we're over to more on Mike Landis.
The article...
Daily Beast article?
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
You're right.
But this is just, that's another example of what the Daily Beast is.
Go down to here is the article.
It's a little below that.
Alrighty.
Gotcha.
The writing.
Okay, so this is by a girl named Amy What's Hame?
Kimmelman?
Scroll down.
Oh, foot.
Eight Woman Accuse.
Well, you already saw the title.
Amy Zimmerman.
Okay.
So she's probably like, I don't know, 24.
Look at how these kids write.
Watch how long that is.
Just scroll.
Just show the sheer length.
It's like a Woody Guthrie song, eating Yaka Yaka.
Look at that.
I thought that was the end banner.
No.
Yeesh.
And the Woody Guthrie song isn't long, you dummy.
It was the article about it that was long.
Look at this thing.
Hey, lady, these are your notes.
This is crazy.
No, no, now you're into other articles, dude.
Oh.
But I'm reading it going, all right, what did you do exactly?
Now, I found two things, two accusations.
One was that this girl was super wasted and her roommate heard her saying, like, hey, what is that, Ryan?
And she goes, Ryan's her boyfriend, or her ex-boyfriend or something.
She's with Max.
Oh, my God.
He's convinced her that he's Ryan.
She's so annihilated.
And now he's going to try to have sex with her as someone else while she's blackout drunk, basically passed out.
So she runs and chases him off.
That's, even though you don't put your penis in, that's sexual assault.
So that could be a doozy.
And having sex with a woman who thinks you're someone else and is blind drunk is also rape.
Then there was another story.
By the way, this is me parsing through thousands and thousands of just rumors and slander and tweets.
Again, I'm not defending the guy.
I'm covering my ass here.
I'm not defending the guy, but you just ended his career.
And you didn't go to the cops.
At one point, the one woman who was on the couch said she went to the cops.
And what was it?
The lawyer said, oh yeah.
Shortly after they filed the report, so she did file a report, which is what you need to do.
If someone is sexually assaults you, you need to file a report.
Shortly after filing the report, Dion complained Callie and her mother, sorry, accompanied Callie and her mother to the courthouse for hearing.
As they were sitting in the waiting area of the courtroom, Dion recalled Max's attorney approaching them.
She began speaking, and her tone was condescending and aggressive.
Yeah, she's defending a guy you accused of rape.
She's your enemy.
We had 620,000 men die in the Civil War.
Can you be uncomfortable for a little bit to stop rape?
Asking Allie if she understood what the process would be like, she indicated it would be long and she would have to talk about the assault over and over.
The attorney came off as patronizing.
Like, this is what makes me nuts about society today is any kind of confrontation.
And I felt uncomfortable and I felt unsafe.
Yeah, you're fighting rape.
It's a war.
You got to get tough.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable.
And there's eight women making allegations.
And most of these allegations, by the way, are just, he's a dick.
He's an asshole.
One of them is I was in a relationship with him and he kept telling me I was fat.
And he made me lose 15 Pounds and he would hit food out of my mouth.
Dump him.
That's called an asshole.
You don't get to whine about it and ruin his career because you were stupid enough to keep dating him.
One of the other women in this, and this is the problem with Ryan having his teeth taken out, is I end up reading all this crap and learning.
I've never been on the Daily Beast before.
It is terrible.
It's just salacious gossip.
It's just girls nattering is what the Daily Beast is.
And when I say girls, I include the beta males who have the same level of testosterone.
She said, you know, you don't know when you're in it that you're in an abusive relationship.
You don't know until you're after.
Yeah, if you don't know that you're being abused, the abuse isn't that bad.
Get out of the relationship, ladies.
I could feel that Callie was overwhelmed.
Callie sat there, tears running down her face, holding hands with her mother and with me.
Callie said she did not want to go through with the process.
Way to go!
So you get to just do it from your phone?
That's how you get to ruin lives?
That's not the way it works, ladies.
There's a Magna Carta.
You have to actually proceed with these things.
Max Landis did Beast, by the way.
No, Bright.
That Netflix show with the demon orc.
It got terrible reviews.
Daily Beast hated it.
Actually, go back to Here's the Beginning.
That's in More.
It's one of the last links on that More thing.
There's a man who broke the story, and then a woman who just, I don't know, interviewed everyone in the world and got their take on it and wrote about it.
But this guy, Marlo Stern, is a beta male, big fat loser, who's obviously a critic.
Those who can't do, teach.
And those who can't teach, write about people who do stuff.
And look at the, yeah, there he is.
But look at the opening to his article about how Max Landis sucks.
You realize that he's just jealous and he wishes he got a show on Netflix.
Why am I the editor, the entertainment editor, a daily beast?
But read the first paragraph.
That's the subhead.
Netflix's first blockbuster movie, the $90 million fantasy actioner Bright, is a steaming pile of orc shit, a nonsensical garbage pile featuring Ells, orcs, and a checked-out Will Smith.
Chicane X. What the hell is that?
Oh my God, he's being gender neutral on the word Chicano.
Oh no, yeah, that's free Latino.
What a pussy.
They're called Latinx.
I don't want to say Chicano.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Chicane X, gangster stereotypes, worse than regrettable homies figurines.
A trademark of its director, David Iyer, and a slow-motion shootout set to Bastille that'll make you want to go full Sam Neil on the final third of Event Horizon.
Must be a video game.
That is rip your own eyes out and run around naked attacking people.
It's also, according to the testimonies of several industry people, on Twitter, written by an alleged sexual predator.
And then they just go on.
So he admits his beef, his bias there is that I didn't like Bright.
And Bright's a really good show.
They didn't like the show, the movie, because it featured some gangster stereotypes.
Ooh, yeah, there's no such thing as MS-13.
There isn't a disproportionate number of Latinx in south central Los Angeles.
Isn't to say that it's racist against Mexicans to show hoodlums?
It's like you're saying that all Mexicans are hoodlums.
It's like regular Mexicans don't like the gangsters either.
It's okay to say gangsters.
To be offended by that is to assume that it's normal.
You know, I want to take a timeout while we're making fun of total beta male losers like that Daily Beast guy because it reminded me of the Homeless Gavin video with that super awkward Asian dude.
Not you, but the guy who's the most awkward kid.
The levels of no testosterone we have in this country today are stultifying.
Check this out.
What would it be like if you were an adult male and you never had any sort of boobies in your life or ever kissed a girl?
What would happen is your heart would start gyrating in your chest and you go, oh, it's a horrible thing to happen to a man.
It's like the sperm in his body starts going into his bloodstream and it makes him gyrate where even the biggest dork loser, fake European dude with his mom's wig on becomes intimidating.
Even your friend who has an egghead and looks like a character from the Rugrats, even he is the fonts compared to you.
And you're just, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is really sad.
It's heartbreaking actually as a dude to watch.
You know, when I say interview, you know, I'm walking into everybody, you know, you just keep walking, you know?
Yeah, Dan.
Why you keep walking, man?
Why you keep walking?
I don't know.
I just walk.
What is wrong with you?
How harsh is that?
I don't know.
I just walk.
As a dude, as a member of the dude community, that just, it's like watching starving children in the third world.
But it sex.
I don't know, he's kind of, he's kind of, you know.
Everything's always wrong with me, you know, right?
I'm just walking around with the drink.
That's the cool guy in this equation.
What's your name, my friend?
Until everything okay, my friend?
Hmm.
I'm sure it's gonna be okay.
Just please.
Hmm.
I'm sure it's gonna be okay.
What does that mean?
Why are things going to be okay soon?
What is he talking about?
What's your name, my friend?
Until then?
Everything okay, my friend?
Hmm.
I'm sure it's gonna be okay.
Okay, you're not upset with me or anything?
Why would I be?
Okay, give me a kiss.
That was almost normal.
Oh, really?
Okay, nice to meet you, my friend.
Even this guy, that guy has no nerve endings in his face.
And he's the fonts of this deal.
Look, the way we deal with allergies is we give people a little bit of peanut dust and it builds up an immune system to peanuts.
The way you deal with these guys who have never been near a chick, look, even this chick is like, I don't understand what's happening here.
When you're around a guy like that, what you do is some woman will grow nipple hairs, take one of the nipple hairs out with tweezers, consensually, obviously, and then just put it on his leg and say, that's a nipple hair.
And he will slowly become acclimated to the female species.
Because this, this, we can't have this.
We got to keep on fighting for all the little birds and all the trees.
Yeah, pretty bad, huh?
We got some notes from yesterday's show.
We were talking yesterday about...
I guess it's too late now.
Let's get him on tomorrow's show.
All right.
I was saying that some jokes are acceptable and some aren't.
And you can laugh at white South African farmers being slaughtered, but you can't make a joke about Rosa Parks, for example.
And then someone sent me a great example from Britain where there was that old music guy.
That's the picture I sent separately.
He used to work for NME.
Yeah, there is Danny Baker.
He's like a major icon in Britain.
I don't know who to compare him to here because we don't really have radio culture like they do in Britain.
But he's like the Rush Limbaugh rock and roll.
No, but he's not conservative at all.
But he, there was a picture of a little chimpanzee dressed in a suit, and it was two people walking out of a fancy building holding its hands.
I think they were royalty, actually.
And so he said, oh, Prince Harry returns with the royal baby.
Now everyone got racial about it.
He didn't mean it to be racial.
His brain didn't go there.
It's just like the coolest monkey in the jungle, right?
And so they said, oh, you're calling the baby a monkey?
Meanwhile, Megan Markle, she couldn't look whiter.
Like if I bet there's times where she goes, no, really?
No, I know.
I am black.
Yeah.
No, one of my parents is black.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
I bet she has to do that.
There's the picture.
So, and then the baby of Prince Harry the Ginger and that very, very, very white-looking black woman is obviously not going to look remotely black.
So the idea that he meant, haha, look at this chimp is ridiculous.
So he was castigated for that.
I think he was fired.
He may have got his job back.
He may have been able to explain it, but it's the Roseanne Barr thing all over again where you're assuming the person meant to make a joke about an old chimp joke, which is like, when was the last time someone called a black person a chimp?
Like, that's 1940s shit.
The last time was when they accused him of meaning that in a racist way.
Yeah.
Like, go comb through the worst racists in the world and find me these guys going, look at that monkey Obama running up a tree eating bananas.
What?
Like, you'd say pardon?
But go back to that picture of the two.
So he was pilloried for making that mildly silly joke that's neither good nor bad.
Just, and I'm sure that's what he meant it as.
No, no, the picture of them, God, Stony Baloney.
And then the one next to her where she, so BBC, wait, Danny Baker fired from BBC for making that chimp joke.
And then Joe Brand, who made a joke where Tommy Robinson was hit with a vanilla milkshake.
He was milkshaked.
And she says, oh, I wish it was battery acid.
Wow.
And then the BBC defends her.
So it's okay to throw acid on Tommy Robinson.
That's a reasonable joke.
But you had better not accidentally make a conceivably racist joke.
That's dumb.
We also got notices from people who said, I was talking about how Norm McDonald is a perfect example of someone who just feels comfortable doing what he's doing.
This is the NBC link.
And they said, really?
Richard Jewell is doing a show.
You're not allowed in there?
I can't play that for some reason.
Hmm.
Okay.
It's ad black or I got this.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Richard Jewell was a guy at the Olympics.
He was a security guard, and there was a bomb.
I forget what Olympics it was, but there was a bomb that Olympic Park bombing, yeah.
And Richard Jewell, the security guard, was accused.
And the news, I think it was CNN, just proudly said, yeah, that was him.
You can go up to the previous link.
The fat guy from that Tanya Harding movie is going to play Richard Jewell.
But anyway, he didn't have anything to do with the bomb.
His name's not Muhammad.
That's the guy.
That's the actor who's going to be playing Richard Jewell.
And Richard Jewell, it was assumed he was a terrorist for, I think, years, like two years.
And then he sued CNN and he got a ton of money.
So he appeared on SNL with Norm McDonald.
And a viewer sent this in as an example of Norm McDonald not being cool.
Hmm.
So where's this?
The 1996 Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta may have claimed more than one victim.
Shortly after the incident, the FBI falsely accused Atlanta security guard Richard Jewell of the crime, then waited nearly a year to publicly clear his name.
Oh, sorry, one year.
With us tonight to discuss his ordeal is Richard Jewell.
Richard, thanks for coming on, Weekend Update.
I assume it's about to get very awkward.
That first part was Norm McDonald at its finest.
So if you were going to show me, I guess you can't timestamp these NBC clips, but if you're going to show me him being awkward, you should have started now.
Because that Norm McDonald was a man in his job doing exactly what he was supposed to do and not gesticulating or saying like as I gesticulate.
And say like, and say like.
Because he's in the right position.
Now, if this does get awkward, it's not an example of Norm not being cool.
It's an example of Saturday Night Live having the stupidest setup ever where you have to read cue cards.
It is so awkward.
And it's even more awkward when you have a guy who's super nervous and has never acted before.
Because that's actually the real Richard Jewell.
Oh.
My pleasure, Norm.
Now, Richard, in the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that as a result of Tom Broca's on-air statement that you were in fact the bomber, our network, NBC, was forced to pay you the undisclosed sum of money.
That's correct, Norm.
Now, Richard, I should point out that it is pretty unusual for Tom Brokaw to make a mistake.
I mean, nearly three-quarters of the time, like 60, 70% Of the time, his stories are accurate.
I understand that.
Yeah, but you're telling us, though, that this just happened to be one of those one in three or maybe one in 2.7 times that he got it wrong.
Well, I guess I just got to believe you.
I didn't do it, Norm.
I see.
So, in other words, okay, you're right.
Here you got Tom Grosser.
That is a hundred stories.
This is a non-actor on a show live in front of a studio audience, pooping his panties, and Norm McDonald having to follow everything to the letter.
Right, right.
Isn't it infuriating that Dr. Evil has the most successful comedy show of all time, and it sucks?
What's his name again?
Lauren Michaels.
Lauren Michaels.
Did you know this?
Here's a funny, fun fact.
David Spade is the guy who, or maybe it was Dana Carvey.
Dana Carvey made the impressions.
Yes, Dana Carvey is the one who came up with this.
Doctor Evil, Lauren Mike.
It's just an imitation of Lauren Michaels.
And what's his name?
Mike.
Myers?
Mike Myers goes, oh, that's funny.
I'm going to start doing that imitation.
And then he said it was Dr. Evil.
So Dr. Evil is actually Dana Carvey's imitation of Lauren Michaels.
Did you know that?
Is that common knowledge?
That'd be embarrassing if I had all these fun facts, this amazing trivia, and everyone knows them.
That's not super common, no.
Did you know that cockroaches will be the only thing left after a nuclear war?
And then not only is it outdated, it's like actually they changed that.
The science community updated that.
Did you know that life needs light to live?
Actually, that has been updated.
And they've discovered life deep inside rocks that have never been exposed to light at any time.
Oh, speaking of which, did you know that Bodhi McBoatface was launched?
They had an underwater sub, and they left it up to the public.
And nerds are humorless, and we're not allowed to wedgie them anymore.
So we said, yeah, okay, we have a name for your super duper sub.
It's called Bodhi McBoatface.
Look.
Are you serious?
Auto sub, long range's 27 debut outing provides new insight into causes of warming ocean abyss.
There's still, look, the National Oceanography Center is still super serious about it.
It says Bodhi McBoatface on the side.
Oh, nerds.
Auto sub long range, also known as Bodhi McBoatface.
Unfortunately, some of the jocks took our survey and changed it to Bodhi McBoatface.
So we're not happy about that.
Yeah, would it fall asleep at a frat party?
It's like it has a big penis drone on the side.
But yeah, nerds are boring, and the stuff they do is gay.
But look how boring this video is.
Play that.
That's Bodhi McBoat face on the way down as the depth goes.
I guess it did a lot of spinning as it went down.
Getting real dizzy, that robot?
After a cake stand?
Boring nerds.
However, then the thing that we give them money to do, come back with cool footage, happens, and we get to see awesome stuff like that, vampire?
Yeah, vampire squid.
Vampire squid.
Look at this thing.
This is before whatever they're called, anthropods, split and went to squids and octopuses.
No, it's not octopod.
That's Latin.
It's not?
Oh, okay.
This is back before Satan went to hell and he would just leave shrapnel in the water.
Look at that thing.
Yeah, dude.
That's crazy.
It's like that frilled shark.
Satan laughing makes a squid.
Wow, that's pretty good for someone on painkillers.
Look at that.
Cool and terrifying.
Wouldn't that be awesome if you were a billionaire and you just, as people walk in, there's this giant aquarium and you're always wearing white suits and you just go, hello, welcome.
And there's that vampire squid just going behind you.
And all your servants are albinos.
Oh my God.
That's one of your rules.
That's terrifying.
And they only work at night.
Yes.
For they will burn in the sun.
All right.
We're running out of time.
We're not going to have room for the mailbag.
I wanted to show this really weird part.
There is a strange altercation.
Oh, that's the frilled shark.
Yeah.
It's got these cool teeth that sort of pull back on themselves.
So if you get bit by one.
What is that?
Someone hanging out with one?
Yeah.
I thought they lived 9 million miles under the sea.
Those have not changed since God first made a shark.
Jeez.
Yeah, that's like really.
And as I've made clear on other shows, animals are fucking losers.
How much does that thing suck?
It's when God was half-assed.
Look at that dude.
I guess that's a shark.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
Hold on.
I'm going to make them way more like Jaws.
This is my first try.
It's like a shitty tadpole with spikes everywhere.
God was inspired by Jaws.
Whoa, that was an intense movie, man.
There should be a shark.
God's a hoser.
So anyway, speaking of hosers, we'll end with this video.
So Hamilton is a suburb outside of Toronto.
And I just think of it as it's a college town, but I just think of it as hosers and a great place to drink.
I haven't been there in a million years, but it's also very Berkeley because there's a big school there.
So there's all kinds of clashes with Antifa and the sort of Joey Gibson Patriot Prayer of Canada.
So there was a big rally to be gay, which is awesome.
And Antifa showed up with a giant black curtain to hide the Christian signs.
And just watching it, I'm just looking at both sides going, what does this accomplish?
Like, what are you doing?
So then they go around the curtain so they can say, repent, sinners.
Oh, and then look at this guy with the headband.
Turn it up for the 50th time.
Cowards!
He's so Game of Thrones.
Cowards.
Can you hear him?
Cowards.
I want to beat him for now.
Is that all we get at him?
I want more of him.
Go over there.
Yeah, here.
there You so Game of Thrones.
Yeah.
I feel sorry for you.
I actually feel bad for you.
Remember that old high school trick these girls would say about other girls?
I don't hate her.
I feel bad for her.
So that's like the pink Antifa prairie.
But I don't understand what they're doing here.
So those Christians are saying you're repent.
Being gay is a sin.
And then the gays are dancing around.
Can't you just not look at those signs?
Yeah.
No, keep watching.
It goes on and on and on.
Got you on camera.
Just fight.
Like, stop recording everything.
Just fight.
You know what I mean?
Am I old-fashioned?
And now, of course, they get the cops involved.
This is like elaborate foreplay to a fight.
It's nipple-licking, like we were talking about yesterday.
Nipple-licking.
That's nipple-licking.
Well, anyway, go up.
They're calling them Canadian Pan-Man.
Remember, Rufio Pan Man was that proud boy who knocked out the Antifa?
And I guess Hamilton Christians have their own Pan Man.
And it's the cigarette in the mouth.
If you're ever going to get in a fight, you cannot be cooler than having a cigarette in your mouth as you're pounding the guy.
It's the best possible look.
The best possible look is like someone attacks you, blah, blah, blah.
You knock them down, you got him by the jacket, and you're just putting the boots to him with your cigarette in your mouth.
It's the best possible look.
And it's a very Canadian thing.
They call it smoking a dart.
Hey, you got a dart?
And I think it's linked to hockey.
But Canadians are very polite.
They don't like confrontation.
Of course, there's boobs involved.
This country's going right down to shit.
No free speech in this country.
This country's going down to shit.
When you're so Canadian, you have an Italian accent.
This country's going down to shit.
There's no free speech in this country.
Fuck this shit, she says.
Look at, they always have the same attitudes on both sides.
I'm obviously on the Christian side of this one.
But no, go up to Canadian Pan Man.
It's a different link.
That was the free speech part.
It's right above it.
And it's a great way to end the show.
And it's endorsing violence.
I don't know.
No one's talking about stabbing.
Turn it up.
Hey, hey, watch it!
When you...
Dude!
Zoom out!
Every fucking time you do this!
You just ruined this awesome moment.
That is as zoomed out as it is.
No, it's not!
Look, look, look.
Look.
That's border.
I promise you.
Okay, sorry, I lost my temper.
Go back to the beginning now.
This is like Father's Day.
Stop.
My wife took me to a place that has hand-cut fries.
I didn't eat all day because I wanted to really pig out.
And so I'm finally excited.
I get the fish and chips, sit down.
It's at the Brazen Fox.
I'm happy to expose them.
They put the plate down.
These aren't frozen fries.
They lied to her on the phone.
They are frozen fries.
Yeah.
They're hand-cut fries.
I don't want to do air quotes, but it's a style of frozen fry.
It's the hand-cut style.
So yeah, the frozen bag says hand-cut because that's what they're meant to imitate.
Anyway, that's why I'm a little on edge, and I'm sorry to scream at you.
It's okay.
Japanese man.
Oh, hey.
And look at this deke.
Get out of my fucking way, guy.
And then look at the Antifa.
They've never been hit in the face before.
Look, they're touching their faces.
What the hell was that?
I think I got stunned.
Go back to when they feel their noses.
A helmet doesn't hurt that much.
That's not a steel helmet.
That's just like a whatever helmet.
It's actually bending in the wind.
Yeah, yeah.
But this is on it.
Look at them.
This is the first punch.
They're so stunned.
It's like Mike Tyson says, everyone's got a plan until they get punched in the face.
That's why, I don't want to sound like I'm endorsing bounce, especially when all my friends are on trial, but can't say enough about a good punch in the face.
And, you know, you can just sort of, you know, this gay face?
Well, there's never been punched in the face face.
And when you talk to those guys, you can just tell when someone has a snarky attitude around you, you're like, yeah, I can tell.
You're one of them.
You're one of the never punched in the face.
You need to get punched in the face.
You need to experience.
Acrimony.
Oh.
You need to experience suffering.
You need to unleash the savage gene.
It's a gene that only comes out when you're in trouble.
And I think it's very healthy to suffer.
I think acrimony is good for us.
And to be constantly scared of getting in trouble, getting fired is no way to live.
You have to embrace your fears.
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