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May 14, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
55:45
#139 | So, superhero movies are ruined

Before getting into how terrible End Game is, we talk about super hero movies in general and how they have been completely gutted by feminism and diversity. Entertainment is about being preached to by assistant professors now and that’s just not entertaining. Don’t miss the 20-minute tangent about New York’s East Village in the early 2000s and over-the-top gay bars. 

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So, superhero movies are ruined.
That's a thing that happened.
Now, Shazam was good.
And by the way, I'm a half a century old.
I don't give a fuck about superheroes, and you shouldn't either.
If you're old enough to hear this podcast, then you shouldn't be watching superhero movies.
Unless your wife needs a break and you want to take the kids off her hands and you're too lazy to go do good dad stuff like play catch and you just want to sit in a chair for a few hours.
So you take them to the superhero movies.
Actually, you have to take kids to every big new movie there is.
They're sold out for the first couple weeks, but then tickets are available.
But that's your job as a dad.
And there's about six or seven a year.
What's with Hollywood, by the way?
They're not releasing a lot of movies.
They have this giant factory called Hollywood.
Fox has a New York City on its block.
When you go to 20th Century Fox, they have a New York City street.
And it's about a block and a half long.
They could shoot a million movies there.
They have the infrastructure to do a movie a day, basically.
And they put out what?
Like, you check the new releases, there's like one every month or so.
What's going on, guys?
You're underachievers.
But anyway, you take your kids to all the movies, so that's why I know these superhero movies.
I would not go there if I was not a father.
I'm not a little kid who's getting bullied who fantasizes about fighting back and being a Spider-Man.
What a weird fantasy, too, being a Spider-Man.
I want to catch bad guys in my web and then slowly cocoon them and then over time just inject my fangs into their femoral artery and drink all their fluids as they rot.
Well, Spider-Man doesn't even do that.
Doesn't he do that?
No, he doesn't sink his teeth in anybody.
He doesn't drink the thieves bodily fluids?
No.
So he can feed his larvae?
No, he doesn't have larvae either.
Huh.
Well then he's not a spider-man.
Yeah.
He's spider-ish.
Spider-ish man.
Spider-ish man.
Has some traits similar to a spider, but not that many.
Basically just a web.
And he can move fast.
That's about it.
He's really just a fast, fast, fast guy who is really strong guy.
And he built a web shooting thing on his wrist!
Iron-ish man.
Iron-ish man.
I have a suit made of iron, but there's also steel composite and alloy.
It's not even iron!
It's not.
Yeah, you're right.
He's not Iron Man.
He's Steel Man.
Yeah, he's whatever the hell.
He's Aluminum Alloy Man.
He's Polymer Man.
Are you Googling what is Iron Man's suit made out of?
The only time you do your job well is when you're looking up stupid kid shit like Iron Man's details.
In this clip, reactions assert that Iron Man's suit is most likely made of nickel-titanium alkyl- Imagine the fucking nerd who wrote that.
Yes, it's most likely nickel-titanium.
I am a nerd.
Nerds are losers.
They need to be bullied.
We need to bring back bullying.
By the way, superheroes are superfluous now because they were created to help the victims of bullying and we quote-unquote stamped out bullying.
Bullying is great.
I was bullied as a kid and I was a bully.
I tried both.
Neither were really my bag.
But it's part of being a kid.
Fighting solves everything.
Fighting is good.
I was watching on Reddit Public Freakout, there was some guy, they say racist attacked in a restaurant and among his epithets he called the guy monkey man.
I don't know if that was necessarily racial.
It's in a special song.
Big Monkey Man!
The beginning of a song.
Probably did mean it racially, but whatever.
And so the black guy's going to fight him and everyone's holding him back.
It's not worth it!
It's not worth it!
Dude, dude, just let it go.
Let it go.
It's not worth it.
What do you mean it's not worth it?
Go fight him.
He called you a monkey man.
Go beat him up.
And then some black woman comes and starts nailing him in the head, which doesn't hurt.
As we know, lady punches are like kid punches.
They're adorable.
And then everyone's cheering.
So we pretend that we're against violence.
We're against men fighting, but we like women fighting, which is why superhero movies suck.
Because we have these women kicking ass.
I just saw Endgame with my kids, and it is stupid, and they hated it.
They were bored shitless.
At one point, me and my daughter just left.
We went and played some video games.
The theater has an arcade.
We went and raced some motorcycles on a racing game.
And then I just blew two bucks on that fucking claw thing that I hate, where you never get the prize, but kids keep falling for it.
You go to arcades these days, and about a third of the games are the claw.
And the claw doesn't grip your toy.
It's just a rip-off.
It's ripping off stupid kids.
All kids are stupid, of course.
So it's ripping off kids.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
Stupid kid is redundant.
Yeah.
Like, if you say something stupid, like, what are you, a child?
Yeah, that's done.
One time I was with my friend Trace Crutchfield and he was wearing a three-piece suit.
He was in the punk scene in Austin as a kid, but there's that one dude in the punk scene who wears like a sweater and slacks and doesn't have any tattoos and never dyed his hair.
He likes the music and moshing and the guys, but he doesn't like the look.
They represent .01% of the punk movement.
I knew one of those, too.
Yeah, yeah.
And they love moshing and everything in their Christmas sweater and their penny loafers.
So he was that guy.
And he still is.
And we were at this disgusting bar called Mars Bar, which was on 2nd and 2nd.
It's gone now.
I think it's a bank now.
It's the only place I've ever seen roaches in a toilet.
Oof.
Roaches running around inside the bowl.
You don't like roaches?
No.
I have a visceral reaction every time.
Really?
You know what I would like to do?
I'd like to go to a gynecologist, get his clamps, put them in your pussy, separate your vagina so it's held open, and then feed in millipedes and cockroaches and water bugs until your pussy was bursting at the seams.
You catch me on Wednesday night at around 8pm, you don't have to do that whole first part.
It's part of my routine.
That joke sucked.
Shit.
What went wrong with that?
You jumped on my joke.
You took my funny visual and then you just said, yeah, I do that on Wednesdays.
That's not funny.
That's horrific.
Yeah, sometimes it's called a horror joke.
Oh, shit.
It's a new genre.
Spooky laughs!
On Get Off My Lawn!
Want to have some spooky laughs?
I love that.
Horror jokes.
I'm gonna write a horror joke tomorrow on the next podcast.
So shut up.
So Trace and I are there and I look alternative at the time so I'm blending in.
It's a lot of punk rockers at this bar.
This by the way is not a long time ago.
I'm talking like 2003.
These dumb punks are so retarded that they think the man is at the bar.
We're in New York City, dumbass.
The man isn't even in the entire Triborough area.
There's no man in New York City.
What do you think, he's a square?
He's gonna oppress you.
So they're giving him shit.
Like, what are you doing here?
What are we, in a fucking biker movie from the 60s?
And so they're harassing him.
And Trace is a brawler.
So one guy gets, is sort of shoving him and trying to make him uncomfortable by elbowing him, which is a really pussy, passive aggressive thing to do.
If you're going to fight someone, just fight them.
Don't elbow them.
And Trace just turns around, grabs a guy by the neck and picks him up like the Hulk.
Now he's not off the ground a lot, but he did leave the ground a couple of times.
And he picks the guy up, and he walks him outside, and he holds him up against the wall, and he goes, what are you doing, you fucking child?
And all his buddies, the punk's buddies, come out to have his back, which involves just standing there, mouth agape, at this neck assault.
And then Trace drops him and lets him fall.
And he laughs at him, and we walk away.
And as we're walking away, the guy's like holding his neck and rubbing his neck, and his friends are staring at him, his badass punk friends.
They're probably all rich kids from Long Island.
And his rebuttal, just as we're basically out of earshot, I hear him go, who calls anyone a child?
That was his fiery comeback.
You know what happened there?
I'll get back to superheroes in a second.
You wanna hear a fuckin' freaky?
A few, yeah.
So, also at Mars Bar, we're, uh, I can't remember why we're outside.
There was a cool gay bar there that was called The Hole.
And it was $3 beers in Manhattan, in the East Village.
So, uh, we took it over.
We gentrified it.
We colonized it.
And you know who was pissed?
Was the fags.
Because they had their spot, and they could go and blow each other, and then all these fucking hipsters showed up, and you'd see them scowling at you.
They were so mad that we took over their bar.
It was such a fun bar, too.
It all started with this dude, Spencer Sweeney, who was DJing there, and we'd go to hear his rockin' tunes, and the next thing you know, we had straightified a gay bar.
It's called The Cubby Hole.
Is that the full name?
No, it's called The Hole.
It was on Second and Second.
It was right next to a phenomenally gay bar called The Urge.
And one time, the bathrooms were full because people were doing coke.
And I was with Wendy Mullen and some skater guy named Tino, I think.
And I said, let's just go piss at the bar next door.
And they go, it's like a super-duper gay bar.
And I go, it's like a super-duper gay bar.
Come on, faggots.
Right.
So we go in, and I go, let's stick around here for a while.
I used to like doing that just to freak out the squares.
There was a bar in Montreal called Cox, C-O-X, and it's a great place to go.
Gentlemen at home, I cannot recommend gay bars enough, because there's like four chicks there.
They hang around with whores.
Right?
Women do.
So all they hear from their gay friends is, and then I sucked his cock and then we had an orgy with seven guys.
She starts to feel like a prude because she's only had sex like a hundred times.
So they're getting brainwashed by these gays into being bigger sluts.
And like, what's the matter with me?
I've only had like one threesome this year.
I should be getting gangbanged like all my gay friends.
And she's lonely and bored and they're out dancing and gays are kind of sexist in a weird way.
My wife's a fag hag and I'll never forget, she was with Jeremy Scott, the fashion designer, and Pablo, his assistant, and they were posing for a picture and she was getting in the picture and he kind of shooed her aside and he said, this one's just for the boys, honey.
And I thought, there's a weird latent sexism within the gay community.
They don't treat their fag hags very well because they have no currency.
You know, we treat women well because old ladies have made us, so we hold doors open for them.
We're like, thanks for creating earth.
And then when you're single and they're younger, you're like, hope I can fuck you.
Here's the door open.
Gays don't care about either of those things.
It's like, get these bitches out of here.
They don't even have decks.
So anyway, we go to this bar, The Urge, just to piss.
And then I say, let's stick around.
And oh my God, I was in over my head.
That's the beauty of New York.
It'll test you.
Like you think you're a good fighter, it'll match you up with a heavyweight like Mike Tyson who will just knock your block off.
And you go, wow, I guess I'm not a good fighter.
I thought I could handle gay bars till I went to The Urge.
Holy shit.
It had a circular bar.
With men dancing on it, just dancing around, but it was New York and it was disgusting and it was not a happy place.
There was one dude, a black dude, wearing a blonde wig and a strappy dress.
He looked like a linebacker.
He looked like he lost a bet.
He did not look like a lady.
At all.
But you wouldn't laugh at him, he'd kill you.
Then there was this Puerto Rican dude, he had white Timberlands on, a white, like, jockstrap kind of thing with his ass out, and a white Yankees hat.
And he was...
Like, when you say you fucked her brains out, this guy had his brains fucked out.
Like, he had no brains.
Imagine, you look into his eyes, and you just saw nothingness.
And the way he was dancing was just sort of like, it was like someone had just been shot with a tranquilizer dart.
He wasn't dancing, he was stumbling.
He's stumbling along the bar, and he just looked like a fuck puppet.
Like, just a pathetic, sad human being.
And then I, he looked like a prisoner, actually.
And I thought, uh oh, this is, I'm not used to this.
This is not, we're not in Kansas anymore.
And then, and then this other guy comes out and he's like a beefy dude with, just covered in hair.
He looks like a gorilla.
Big beard.
He looks like a little fucking Nordic man, bodybuilder guy.
And he's, he's just on a line of coke, clearly, because he's pumped and he's gyrating.
And I'm like, yeah!
And I'm pretending that I think it's fucking rock and roll.
And I put money in his underwear.
I pull his waistband out just to freak out my friends.
And as I pull his waistband out, by the way, heat is emanating from his balls.
Heat that would like burn your fingers.
It's an oven in there.
And I put the five dollars into the fires of his crotch.
And you're not supposed to do that.
That's like, they don't get money.
And you know, they're poor junkie losers.
So I think he thought that I want him now.
So he's staring at me as he gyrates.
And this is where it gets crazy, folks.
I know this is supposed to be a superheroes talk, but I'm having memories.
He stares at me.
You're gonna think this is a lie, but I'm not a liar.
I'm too lazy to lie.
We're at the other end of the bar.
By the way, my three friends, Tino and Wendy Mullin and whatever the Tino's brother's name is, we're all just sort of staring and we all, it's sort of like Goonies when they go to that mobster's house accidentally and they hear them around upstairs.
Like, we were not laughing and high-fiving anymore.
We all realized that I was wrong to take us there.
And he stares at me from, now he's on the other end of the bar, right?
So we have a bartender in between us.
He stares at me and he's dancing.
There's a beer bottle in between his feet and he's wearing like black Speedos.
The ones I just touched.
Without looking at the bottle that is between his heels, he pulls his underwear over to one side.
He's facing me so I can't see this, but his bare butt cheeks are showing to the other side of the bar.
He slowly, without missing a beat, moves his dance lower and lower, like he's doing the limbo.
And eventually, his anal lips, without him even looking, wrap around the beer bottle.
That's sitting there.
Then they grip it.
Again, all he's doing with his hands is holding his underwear out of the way.
And then he picks up the beer bottle with his anus and stands up.
That is when you know you're in over your head.
It's surprising.
This is like early 2000s.
New York was still pretty fucking scuzzy.
All those bars are gone now.
I wonder if the cock is still on 10th and A. But anyway, another story from 2nd and 2nd.
2nd and 2nd used to be a real freaky spot.
I remember in the late 90s, there was a guy called Carpet Man, and he would roll himself into a carpet.
German guy.
That's your worst fear, right, Ryan?
Nope.
Why, you don't want people to know in case they do it to you?
No.
Wow.
I'd love to be around an unrolled carpet.
You're sitting on one right now, shit for brains.
No, no, a rolled up carpet.
Oh.
So this German pervert rolls himself up into a carpet on Second Ave and people walk on him.
And that's his sexual fetish.
I hate that.
But some people don't even know there's a guy there.
He's gonna get picked up and thrown in a garbage truck.
He doesn't even know there's a guy there.
Anyway, also on Second and Second, we're at the Hole, or maybe I'm just pissing or something.
I'm with my buddy Trevor and my girlfriend, who's now my wife, Emily.
And the building that Mars Bar was in is abandoned.
It's now, it's probably worth 50 million right now.
But anyway, it was abandoned back then.
And some NYU student with a big huge flashlight goes, hey, come here, come here.
We go, what's what's going on?
He goes, check this out.
It's an old high school.
And he takes us in.
And it's like frozen in time.
There's a piano there, there's a gymnasium with decorations that say like, 1980s, hey class of 85!
It hasn't been touched in years and it's still decorated for prom.
They had one last prom in 89 and then that was it.
And then we go upstairs and there's all these rooms.
So I think there's two things going on here.
There was a school and residential apartments and we had access to both.
So we go up the stairs of the residential apartments and there's mattresses on the ground and candles and we see it's a whole building of bums.
Bums live there.
Just drunks, sit there, lie in a mattress, piss it, I assume.
As I would do if I was a bum.
And they got their little candle there, where they just, you know, nurse their hangovers, shoot their heroin.
So that was mildly interesting, the, the, uh... Up the stairs, all those little...
Rooms, but down the stairs is much more interesting.
That's the high school.
So there was there was a big gymnasium back when the you know, the East Village wasn't decrepit shithole.
Although we're pretty near Bowery at this point, right?
We're two blocks from Bowery.
So that was the Bowery boys and all that.
That was a shithole for a hundred years.
This is Gangs of New York.
Actually, it's never been nice.
So it was probably a shitty school.
Anyway, there's the prom there.
Then there's a pool, a beautiful indoor pool, which is obviously empty and abandoned.
And then he goes, check this out.
So we start going downstairs.
I apologize in advance if I've told you this story before because I've told it a million times.
We start going down the stairs.
Now Trevor's a huge fucking guy.
Andrew WK's old manager.
He also managed Sick of It All, the hardcore band.
Anyway, he takes the three of us downstairs and as we're going down these stairs, people are coming up.
Like squatters who live down there in the dungeons.
This is the crazy thing about New York.
You know there's a whole entire community that lives under the subways?
There's a documentary about it called Dark Days.
They still live there now.
There's like streets in this little neighborhood.
There's homes where people live in absolute pitch blackness.
Dude, get a dishwashing job.
Stay at a hostel.
Get enough money.
Get a deposit together with some other crazies and get some bunk beds and fucking get a life.
Anyway, we're going down these stairs of this abandoned school, and they seem to go down for infinity.
And people are coming up the stairs.
There's a community there.
And then he takes us to this... We're now deep in the basement.
There's a boiler.
And he goes, check it out.
And then we go underneath this giant boiler.
This boiler is the size of maybe four SUVs.
We go underneath it, and there's another just a big giant room.
No one's in it, but it just keeps going and going and going.
This underground fucking giant school.
And this little kid, he's probably 22, had discovered it.
Anyway, this is where it gets freaky.
Trevor starts getting spooked.
He's like a tough guy who fights and stuff.
And he's been in a million fights.
He went to an all-black school thanks to some dumb diversity thing in Florida where they would bus white kids to black neighborhoods to increase diversity.
I don't know why.
So he would get beat up every day, and then he became- now he speaks in Ebonics, has black mannerisms, and can beat the shit out of anyone.
So he's tough in that sense, but he's also a pussy who gets scared super easy.
One day, he had to work on something.
I can't remember what it was, but he rented a house in the country and said, I'm just gonna fucking focus.
And...
He was so convinced that someone was in the house trying to kill him that he boarded up his room and put a bed against the door and put a mattress up against the window and sat in the room alone so the bad guy couldn't kill him and then one after I don't know maybe a full night there he goes you know what Fuck this!
And he decides he's gonna fight the guy who's there to kill him.
So he takes the bed away from the door and he grabs a knife and he's like, let's fucking do this!
Let's fucking do this!
I'm sick of hiding!
And he's totally alone in the middle of nowhere in this abandoned, like, rental house, running around it with a knife, screaming at someone who's not there.
So that's the kind of guy he is.
All or nothing.
Anyway, he gets it in his head that the student has brought us down there to rape us.
And a bunch of guys are gonna come out of the shadows at any second now and I guess hold down me?
Him and my girlfriend and rape is all in the butt.
So it's going to take a lot of people to do that, by the way, if there's no guns involved.
It's going to take, probably take about five guys to rape me.
Couple, my girlfriend, maybe six for him.
He's a big guy, seven.
So you have to assemble, what, 15 rapists?
That's not easy.
That's not an easy group.
That's a funny Craigslist ad.
Hey rapists, meet in an abandoned squat.
And I'll try to lure down three people we can rape.
Take a left at the pool, go under the boiler.
We'll meet you down there.
Here's your 40 bucks in advance.
Here's your deposit.
It only takes one gun to pull it off.
Yeah, I guess.
I was thinking like him the whole time, by the way.
Really?
Yeah.
I was like, this is a setup.
Well, you're a paranoid fuck.
And there's things called instincts, too.
I could tell.
You can look at someone's shoes.
Like, if he had Skechers on that had a hole in the toe... Yeah, that's a bad sign.
I'd be worried, but they were like limited edition vintage Air Jordans.
I knew he was upper middle class.
Um, so Trevor gets in his head that we're going to get raped.
So he starts going, uh, we gotta, we gotta get out of here.
Uh, we need to go now.
And then he, because he's a giant, he starts scaring the kid.
Now the kid's like, what's what is this guy going to kill me?
I shouldn't have brought these people down here.
And.
He goes, just take me up, take me up.
And he goes, okay, okay, I'll take you up, I'll take you up.
He goes, come on, we gotta go, we gotta go up.
And then he says one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.
He goes, I know girls, there's girls up there.
I know girls that they have beer.
So, to be clear, he was already negotiating with this gang rapist and his, his, Offer was basically what you'd see in a mirage.
It's two beautiful women wearing Budweiser bikinis.
And they are standing next to a giant cooler of beer with like 50... So what he was describing really was his idea of heaven.
And his idea of heaven is two beautiful ladies wearing Budweiser one-pieces or bikinis.
Maybe one has a one-piece, one has a bikini.
And they're sitting there with this rare commodity called beer.
Like the guy was gonna go, all right, you know what?
Let's not rape these guys.
They know chicks who have beer.
Holy fuck, I laughed at that for days!
There's candy up there!
Yeah, basically!
Yeah, that was an amazing night.
That's why you gotta stop playing video games and beating off.
If you're a young man, get out there!
I don't have any money!
Pack a fucking flask, buy one beer, and just nurse it all night.
And then take a hit on the flask when you're going pee.
When I moved to New York, I didn't have money.
Especially after Vice went bankrupt.
We were beyond broke then.
We still partied.
We still did fun shit.
One of the best nights of my life was the 2004 blackout.
Anyway, that's in my book, A Death of Cool.
You can pick it up at stores everywhere.
So those tangents are better than the story, but just, yeah, watching this movie, Endgame, and all the politically correct claptrap that they cram into it, you know, it assumes that we're racist and sexist, so they shock us by showing cool black people and women that can kick ass.
And I'm sure that does shock a bunch of racist sexists.
But you made your whole movie about that, and there's none of those people that would be offended by it are here.
So what are you doing?
It's sort of like, as a Scottish person, if movies kept talking about all the things the Scots had invented, like they put the steam engine on its side, and the Industrial Revolution, and, oh, did you know tarmac?
The Mac is a Macintosh, and Scots invented roads.
It's sort of like they injected that into every movie.
And as a Scottish person, I'd be going, yeah, yeah, okay.
Can we just get on with the plot, please?
Yes, I'm very proud of my Scottish ways.
Thank you very much.
Like, it's not like my daughter sees these women kicking ass and goes, holy shit.
I didn't know I could kick ass.
She's bored.
We went and played video games.
At one point, and I kept talking to her, because I was bored too, and I said, I leaned over and I fucking hate Chris Evans' face.
He's always doing a Zoolander pose.
Yeah!
He's always doing Blue Steel, because he's so gorgeous and he's got one eyebrow cocked.
I just want to fucking punch him.
And his Twitter feed is unbelievable.
It's pure Antifa.
This guy is a radical fat... His personality on the inside is a radical blue-haired fat feminist in a hat she knitted herself that's orange.
That's who his personality is.
He's like Barack Obama.
Cool black guy on the outside and the inside, a boring, shitty fat chick.
I remember saying that to Greg Gutfeld at Fox News on Reddit.
I go, let's focus our attention on the fact that he's his mother and he's just a stupid bitch, Barack Obama.
And Greg goes, that's not a good avenue because it's sexist.
I'm like, yeah, I'm a sexist and I hate that stupid bitch, Barack Obama.
Get him back in the kitchen where he belongs.
Go make me a sandwich, Barack, you stupid fat bitch.
He's not black.
What's black about Barack Obama?
He rides a fucking mountain bike with a bicycle helmet on and mom jeans tucked up to his nipples and his fucking white Reeboks.
I'm blacker than Barack Obama.
Yeah, me too.
Black people would way rather hang out with me than Barack Obama.
You know, stripped of the context that he was president and all that.
Ever see Chris Evans in this?
There's a lot of Me Too type stuff that I'm sure he's kind of scared about.
Chris Evans' first movie was, uh, Not Another Teen Movie.
Uh-huh.
He raped a bunch of chicks.
Dude, I mean, like, it's one of the most misogynist movies out there.
It's like, you know, American Pie, but with Chris Evans in it.
So?
That's his fault for appearing in it?
Did you see the black lawyer, first black lawyer at Harvard?
He just got fired from some, from Harvard I think, because he's representing Harvey Weinstein.
Wow.
What the fuck is going on with this world?
What clown world are we living in?
You're supposed to represent Harvey Weinstein, you dunces!
Jeffrey Dahmer got represented.
Charles Manson had representation.
You want a world with no representation for the bad guys?
What the fuck are you talking about?
That's called a kangaroo court.
That's called a mob.
What is this, Lord of the Flies?
You're punishing a man for representing Harvey Weinstein?
What?
Okay, so let me, explain to me your world now.
People aren't, it's like Brett Kavanaugh.
Oh, he's a serial rapist.
Why?
Because some chick said he was.
Okay, so now someone says something, we don't have a trial or anything.
Now any allegation means you can't be a Supreme Court judge.
Okay, I'm gonna say it about your guy.
Hey, that next guy, he's a serial rapist.
How does that feel, fucknuts?
Imagine you were treated like the client that you had.
Like if you're representing a murderer.
You have to represent a guy who eats babies.
Okay, say a guy killed a million babies.
You have to represent him because you want to make sure that the law got him right and and you know read him his memorandum rights or whatever because you want to make sure we have an efficient system that catches baby murderers.
Actually, we don't.
Abortion doctors, Kermit Gosnell, got away with, what, 40,000?
No, not 40,000, but thousands of third trimester abortions.
Jesus.
The nurses heard the babies making sounds after they were aborted.
They had nightmares.
He had to clip their spinal cords with shearing scissors.
That's hell.
They're going to hell.
Anywho, so Chris Evans' face drives me nuts, and I lean over to my daughter and I go, I hate his gorgeous face.
And she goes, have you ever brushed your teeth in your life?
And she goes, you smell like dog vomit.
And I go, oh, is my breath bad?
And she goes, yes, always yes.
I'd rather hang out with her than watch this stupid, fucking, dumb, feminist, bullshit movie.
At the end of the movie, Captain America, who decides not to be Captain America when he goes back in time... By the way, time travel is just a thing that fucking Tony Stark figured out at his log cabin in about two minutes.
He sits there with a Mobius strip on his stupid 3D Mirage hologram computer and says, what if you do his imitation?
Jarvis, why don't you pull up a Mobius strip and take the 30 second unit, flip that.
Yes, Mr. Starks.
It's probably not gonna work.
And then he sits down, and he's figured out time travel.
Oh, is that all?
And then he goes over to Gwyneth motherfucking Paltrow from Goop, and she's reading a book on composting.
He goes, what are you reading?
She's like, composting.
And he goes, I figured it out.
I figured out time travel.
Really?
What else did you figure out?
How to fucking change atoms?
And turn Earth into a chocolate bar?
What are we talking about here?
They just sort of gloss over that.
That's a minor part of the movie, where Tony Stark figures it out.
Oh, by the way, speaking of idiocy, at one point, who shows up ready to save the world and kick some serious ass?
Ask Gwyneth Paltrow.
So the, her gorgeous, she has this beautiful thing that shows her boobs nicely, this Iron Man costume with like dragonfly wings on the back and she slams down on the ground and then her face opens up and you're looking at Gwyneth Paltrow.
She's there to save the earth from these giant monster demons.
And where's the baby?
Give me a fucking, she got a babysitter.
Oh.
Gwyneth Paltrow is gonna beat up Satan?
My suspension of disbelief got a hernia watching this movie.
At one point, there's some chick who goes, um, you think you got this?
And then you're, uh oh, this chick, it's like a wasp.
Evangeline Willie, whatever her name is, Lily.
Scary Perry was introduced to her by Jimmy Kimmel and he called her Of Angeline Willie.
He thinks her first name is Of.
That's a whole other podcast we'll do on Windy City Heat.
But the African chick from Wakanda goes, she will do okay, she has backup.
And then the entire screen fills with nine women.
No male superheroes at all.
Nine women show up.
What are you doing?
We want to show that women kick ass too.
It's like, that's actually literally a movie, Kick Ass 2, where a woman kicks ass.
But it's like Star Wars.
They mush in all of this diversity, multiculturalism, equality, all this like first year college crap.
That the kids who don't know about racism and sexism or any of that stuff, they go, why is this being forced down my throat?
I swear to God, it's the Scottish thing.
It's as redundant as that.
Like, you might as well try to hammer to kids that exercise is important in a movie.
It's not a thing that's in their life.
Why are you hammering it into their heads?
It's so boring.
It's not offensive.
It's not revolutionary.
You're not changing the world.
You're not shocking us.
You're boring us.
You ruined superheroes completely.
Sorry, I didn't finish the Chris Evans thing.
So at the end, he hands over his fucking shield to the black guy.
Black guy should be Captain America.
Oh, and Black Panther hands over the kingdom to, oh no, Thor hands over his planet to that chick, that Valkyrie chick, a black chick.
Oh yeah.
He's like, you will be queen now.
And she goes, well, I'm gonna make some fucking serious changes.
He goes, I was counting on it.
Oy vey.
And the black guy who he gave his Captain America shield to isn't even magic.
That's another, that's a side thing.
That's another new political correctness.
About a third of the people are just people.
So you've got the Hulk, who could destroy this entire, entire building.
And then Scarlett Johansson, who's done a lot of exercise.
And trained with a lot of different guns.
Yeah, so is Mark Spitz.
We're gonna have some Olympic swimmers on board, too?
Like, what about the top jiu-jitsu man in the world?
He should be with them, apparently.
Humans... So I think the black guy who was becoming Captain America, all he does is manipulate this suit that has wings on it, and then he can fly it real well.
And he sunk the wings into a beast's chest, by the way, which must have damaged the wings.
So he broke that suit.
Don't give him the Captain America shield.
This guy breaks everything he touches.
And who the fuck is he?
And then there's this woman.
I don't know what she is.
She's like a Superman woman.
And her hair is glow-in-the-dark and it's blonde.
She's a pretty blonde.
Captain Marvel.
Captain Marvel.
I called her Miss Marvel.
I was wrong.
She's a total badass.
And she shows up at the beginning of the movie.
She rescues Tony Stark, and rightfully so, the superheroes go, where the fuck have you been?
And she goes, I was on other planets.
Where were you?
Which is kind of bitchy.
Yeah.
And I'm watching it going, bitch, you look like an Earthling.
You clearly have an allegiance to Earth.
This is ground zero, by the way, for the entire war to save the universe.
Where the fuck have you been?
Yeah.
Why are you going to save Aspelardians?
People with like one eye who are green.
Fuck them.
Save Earth!
Earth First!
Ever heard of the campaign Earth First?
So she shows up at the end of the movie, right when we're about to lose, and goes to the main spaceship of the main bad guy and flies right through it, just like Superman would.
And she's had a haircut since.
I don't know why, but when we weren't looking, she went and got her hair done, her hair did, to look like a more feminist.
So she's got basically my hairdo.
At the end.
And she's kind of snarky the whole time.
She's got this, like, badass attitude.
Hey, Hollywood.
Lesbians want to kick ass.
Nerds, they like watching violence because it's not in their lives and they like to fantasize.
They also like to see pretty girls.
So when you have pretty girls fighting, it gives them a little stupid boner.
So those two groups like seeing it.
The rest of us, including normal women, we're not enjoying all of these kick-ass chicks because it doesn't make sense.
And the fact that a feminist saved the universe is so fucking gay.
If you want to know what the word gay means to eight-year-olds, it has nothing to do with homosexuality.
Go watch Endgame.
It is the gayest movie I've ever seen in my life.
Mark Ruffalo is gay.
Yeah.
Mark Ruffalo is gayer than a guy picking up a beer bottle with his anal lips.
Wanna see my superhero trick?
His fucking eyebrows need to go.
If I was Elon Musk, I would take Mark Ruffalo's eyebrows, put them on a spaceship, and blast them off into outer space.
I don't care if he bleeds to death, fuck you Mark Ruffalo, but his goddamn eyebrows.
What do you hate about them?
They're huge?
There's always got that stupid sad thing going on, this little puppy dog face.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God, he's one of the worst.
By the way, here's Mark Ruffalo in a nutshell.
I used to have a place in the Catskills, destitute area.
It's all shale there, so you can't farm.
When I would plant a tree on my property, I would bring a pickaxe and nothing else.
You think I'm exaggerating?
I'm not.
The dirt that I would get from the hole, I could scoop with my hand.
It was all rocks.
Um, so we get a possibility for fracking up there.
All of a sudden employment for young people.
This looks good.
All of a sudden a boon to the area where their only industry is the horse track race in Monticello and the prison.
Also in Monticello.
That's the only jobs there are.
In fact, corrections officers in the Catskills have this sort of OG Al Capone vibe where waitresses always serve them first and people stare at them because they're so employed.
Basically your only option there is crime or corrections officer.
So that's the environment we're in.
And because Mark Cuntface Droopy Eyebrows Ruffalo saw the movie Frack Nation, which is based on a guy's misunderstanding of how methane works, the money shot in Frack Nation is someone lighting their tap water on fire.
Yes, it sounds spooky.
Um, the tap water is flammable in the Catskills because there's a high concentration of methane.
It's perfectly natural.
You're saying it's natural to burn your tap water?
Yes, I am saying that.
Burning Springs, New York is called Burning Springs because 200 years ago a spring caught fire and it's been burning ever since because it's natural.
There's parts of the Catskills where if you leave a candle on in your bathroom, you're gonna blow the door off.
Because there's methane gas in the water.
Perfectly healthy, not dangerous levels, but flammable levels.
That's counterintuitive to most people and I understand that.
But the tap water's always been flammable and fucking, the cat's kills.
But this guy Joe David Fox or something makes this movie Frack Nation, all these dumb liberals fall for it.
Oh no!
So when they say they're gonna frack there, by the way, I think 90% of our natural gas comes from fracking in this country.
It's everywhere, all over Ohio.
It's a major industry.
In America.
Employs millions of people.
I'm guessing millions, but it's probably upwards of that.
And so Mark Ruffalo leads this fucking fight to stop the fracking.
And maintain, because he doesn't want his beautiful vacation home and his pool to maybe have a one in a million chance the water table is affected by fracking.
So he shuts it down.
Him and his group shut it down.
And you know where my neighbor across the street, you know where his kids are?
They're in Afghanistan.
Now I'm not disrespecting the troops.
And I'm not saying it's a shit job and you know it's for losers or anything.
But That's the only option left for those kids is to join the army and put their lives on the line.
It's kind of hard to tell that story without looking like you're denigrating the military.
Well, it's not for all people.
It's not for all people.
Some people are civilians.
It should be a choice.
They were basically conscripted.
Unless you have what it takes, it might be the wrong decision.
I remember someone said to me once, if you're so fucking nationalist and patriotic, why don't you go join the army and fight for this country that you say you love so much?
And I go, because I'm not brave enough.
It's not that easy.
It takes X level of bravery and I have X minus one.
If you love guacamole so much, why don't you fucking live on a avocado farm?
Thanks for the analogy, Ryan.
We didn't understand my point.
So it needed an analogy.
To elucidate it.
It's such a stupid, shitty movie.
I actually took notes.
I want to make sure I... So here are my notes.
But first of all, it's a kids movie, and half of it is this really complex discussion about the nature of time travel that's so complex it even goes above Back to the Future.
They talk about all the time travel movies in it, and it's more advanced than those.
So it's not time travel in a fun, silly way like Back to the Future.
It's time travel like you would study in first year university.
Super hard.
Not fun for kids.
I did like that it was pro-capitalism.
Tony Stark saves the world and he's an entrepreneur.
And Thanos wants to destroy half the world to make it better, which is the greater good, which is what communists do, like Stalin and Mao.
They killed millions of people for the greater good.
so that was kinda cool.
Shazam was awesome.
Shazam- Shazam is a movie you should take your kids to.
It's just like, a guy robs a 7-Eleven, Shazam beats him up.
Like, that's what it should be.
Not philosophy and time travel and fucking stupid eyebrows and Zoolander face.
Um, my kids are bored shitless.
Oh yeah, here's a- I'm glad I looked at my notes.
Here's an interesting point.
So, spoiler alert.
Ready?
Please stop the podcast if you haven't seen this stupid, shitty movie.
And if you care about this movie, fuck you.
So no, not a spoiler alert.
Iron Man dies.
But you realize that they had all these, like the executives who made this plan, they had probably physical little cards of all the different guys and their box office was probably written down.
So they had a Hulk and it said like 360 million.
All the Hulk movies combined, gross, right?
And they also see people like Iron Man, Iron Man 3 bombed.
Iron Man 3.
Iron Man 3.
So they go, well, I'm sure it was just a mathematical decision based on box office.
And they go, well, let's kill the bottom guy, Iron Man.
He's a loser.
He can die.
We won't lose that much money.
Because you kill the guy, you kill the franchise.
Unless they do young Iron Man or some shit, which they probably will.
So they decided to kill Iron Man, and I know who killed Iron Man.
Justin Theroux.
Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston's ex-husband, was a friend of mine.
He dumped me because of Trump.
Actually, he dumped me before Trump.
He dumped me for my personality.
But he wrote Tropic Thunder, and Robert Downey Jr.
and him got along great because he's a great guy, super funny, fucking hilarious guy.
You've got to check out the extras on that DVD where Justin Theroux plays a German film buff who loves Steve Coogan and thinks he's competent when he clearly isn't.
So anyway, Robert Downey Jr.
goes, yeah, I'm going to try to do a Robert... No, I can't do Robert Downey Jr.
Robert Downey Jr.
says, hey, for Iron Man 3, things are going great.
Me and Jon Favreau are making millions and billions.
Let's have my buddy Justin Theroux write it.
He can make it kind of funny.
Do you want to say that, Ryan?
Why don't we have my friend Justin write the movie?
He's really funny.
Pepper Potts, why don't you go ahead and fill that in for 5 o'clock?
So he writes the movie and it stinks and I'm not faulting Justin for that.
Writing a movie is a perfect storm of placating people and writing other and one bad choice can ruin everything.
I think the bad choice was casting Mickey Rourke as the bad guy with his whips.
I watched it with my kids.
I didn't give a fuck about any of the bad guy or the good guy in that movie.
I just like kill them all.
I don't care.
So that flopped.
In other words, Justin Theroux killed Iron Man.
So I'm watching him die, and I'm watching his face scab over, and I'm just thinking, Justin, you must watch this movie and think, I killed that guy.
I murdered Iron Man.
By the way, speaking of Justin Theroux, he's behind this reboot of Archie Bunker.
Him and Jimmy Kimmel are buddies.
And they came up with the idea of doing an Archie Bunker reboot.
They got Norman Lear on board, Woody Harrelson is happy to play Archie.
So I'm worried, because Justin is a liberal.
To a fault.
But, he's also kind of a dick, and I remember I was pitching a show, Hipster Archie Bunker, and I told him about it, and he goes, that's my pitch.
I have a contract with Comedy Central, and that's the pitch.
And he goes, even though we were friends at the time, he goes, I'm gonna get lawyers involved, dude.
You can't pitch my show.
I've already signed a contract.
And you're joking?
No.
Oh, shit.
I wasn't joking, and he wasn't joking.
And I said, Justin, I am hipster Archie Bunker.
You can't... Right.
That's my life.
Yeah.
You can't say that my life story is taken by you.
Luckily, neither of our shows got picked up, so it wasn't a thing, but that was going to become a problem.
But anyway, sorry.
So that's actually kind of good news, because it shows that he's had Archie Bunker on the brain for a while, so he might do a good job.
But any second now, we're going to see Um, a reboot of one of the greatest characters of all time and an icon of an America where you could be funny.
When Trump says make America great again, he's not talking about fucking slavery.
He's talking about the 80s.
He's talking about mullets, wraparound sunglasses, jet skis, wet t-shirt contests, bouncing boobs, leg warmers, keds, the accelerator girls in the ZZ Top video, legs.
He's talking about heavy petting, finding frozen penthouses in the snow bank.
He's talking about that big giant portable phone that the dude on Wall Street had, Michael Douglas.
He's talking about Repo Man.
He's talking about punk rock.
He's talking about after-school specials.
He's talking about Caddyshack and Animal House.
You know, back when we were proud?
Back when we could riff?
Back when someone could say, Have you ever brushed your teeth once in your life?
You smell like dog vomit.
Yes, always yes.
That's the America I want for my daughter.
Where she can say funny shit like that.
I've already discussed this, but that same movie...
When we were sitting down, I'm handing my son, my 10-year-old son, his popcorn, and I go, I see he's on his phone, I go, give me, get your phone!
Give me your phone!
He goes, no, I'm turning it off.
It's off, it's off.
It wasn't off, by the way.
I go, give me your phone!
Because I'm pissed, but I can't yell, because we're in a theater.
And that's when he said, and I mentioned this on the show, which hasn't aired yet, it'll air when we launch the new site.
He said the following, I swear to God, That's what he said when he was handing me my phone.
I swear to God.
In other words, one of these days, Alice to the moon, I'm gonna kick your ass.
And as I'm handing him gifts, a large popcorn and a Coca-Cola slushie, kids aren't supposed to have Coca-Cola, that's caffeine.
So I'm handing him contraband as he says that he's gonna kick my ass.
I swear to God.
So I just lost it.
I don't swear around the kids, so when I swear they know this is serious shit Dad's swearing.
Don't you dare fucking talk that way to me!
I'm giving you gifts right now!
Give me the phone!
You're in big shit!
I'm actually getting mad remembering it right now.
I'm pumped.
I swear to God.
Because he's being patient with you.
He's trying not to lose it on you because he's testing you.
Yeah, it's like the tone is, I've never beaten up my dad, but he's pushing it.
And I swear to God, one of these days I'm just going to fucking pop him on the chin.
One more.
I'm going to lay out that old motherfucker.
Literal motherfucker.
- Yeah.
Shit. - That'd be funny if it was like true And one day I go, you know what?
No more video games.
And he goes, yeah, you know what?
I'm done with this.
I'm like, ow!
You want some more, bitch?
No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now clean it up.
Play all the video games you want.
Yeah, and I want Rice Krispies for dinner, bitch.
OK, Mr. Son.
Mr. Son.
Sir?
That's funny.
Yeah, so they ruined superhero movies, and that pisses me off, not because I give a shit about superheroes, I'm an adult, but it pisses me off because as a dad, I gotta go take my kids to these things.
And by the way, my kids had a shitty time too.
Like that last Star Wars one, whatever it was called, where they had like 50 people of all races, and there's the Chinese guy, and this guy's gay, and this guy's Iranian or whatever, and fucking Carrie Fisher's a drawing.
My kids were so bored in that movie.
That they kept pretending they had to go pee.
Like, I bring my youngest, he was five at the time, I bring him down to the bathroom, he gets to the urinal, maybe like two drops of pee come out of his dink.
Because he was lying.
He didn't have to go pee.
He just wanted to change his scenery.
You- Pretending to go pee is more fun than watching these stupid diversity-mongering films.
Kids aren't racist, dumbass!
Why are you blowing their mind?
And this whole fucking see-it-to-be-it crap We need more women of color in action movies so they know that they rock too.
That's not how, says who?
Like where did this assumption come that you have to see it to be it?
You think Ben Carson is a brain surgeon because he was watching TV one day and there was a black brain surgeon on and he went, oh shit.
I didn't know I could be a brain surgeon.
I guess I'll go to medical school.
Thanks, movie.
No!
We're capable of... Blacks represent 14% of the population, so inevitably they're going to be watching white superheroes.
You think they sit there and go, oh shit, Superman's white, I can't enjoy this.
Oh, Santa's white, I can't enjoy Christmas.
What?
Where'd you get that from?
See it to be it.
What a ridiculous thing to ruin movies for.
You know, last night I was watching the Dick Cavett Show clip and it was Marlon Brando talking about, remember on the Oscars or something, he brought out an Indian woman to make a speech?
Yes.
Native American.
And he was talking about that and he was like, well the way that the blacks are portrayed to be goofy doofuses and Indians to be drunks and you know, Mexicans to be stupid and disgusting.
And then he goes, it's accurate.
I wanted to put one on stage so you could see.
I want to make something clear, though.
That was a different time.
And Marlon Brando, like, if that would annoy the shit out of me now, if someone had an Indian go up and accept an award, because it's tedious.
But maybe back then, you know, the American Indian movement, they took over Alcatraz.
Maybe it was different.
They had a point, maybe, back then.
I don't fucking know.
I wasn't around.
You were saying that in the 50s, too, by the way.
Yeah, so the 50s, and as far as racism goes, yes, you've got valid points at the wazoo when you're talking about the 50s and 60s, and my heart goes out to the impoverished people of color in the 50s and 60s.
Yes, totally valid points.
Let it go.
It's 2019.
People aren't racist anymore.
People aren't sexist anymore.
People are not phobic of homos.
No one gives a shit.
It's done now, and it's been done for a long ass time.
It's been done basically since the late 70s.
So, all this bullshit about how, no, it's worse than ever, we've gone back in time.
No, you want to go back in time.
You keep drudging up the past.
The past is done.
So stop ruining comedy and films and fun and getting people fired and putting signs on your lawn that say, I don't like racism.
You're fighting a ghost, dumbass!
Alright, I gotta go.
I'm working myself up a tizzy.
I love you guys and... No, I don't.
I don't even fucking know you.
I hate probably half of you.
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