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May 9, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
49:43
S02E02 - POETRY SUCKS
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That's what they call outsider art.
That's a severely autistic gentleman named Daniel Wakeford.
I discovered him from a reality show in Britain called Undatables that features seemingly undatable people going on dates.
They include people with Down syndrome.
They include severe autists like our buddy Daniel.
And passionately disfigured people are also on this show.
And then I discovered that Daniel has a band.
And he's got some stinkers in there, I'm afraid.
He's got about three albums.
There's a Daniel Wakeford experience.
There's Songs from Gigs, I think is another one.
I'm not a huge fan of his ballads, but when he does sort of pop punk, it sounds like Jonathan Richmond meets that band Art Brute.
And I'm a fan, a genuine fan.
And then it makes you appreciate him more.
Check out this video he did.
He's really into British beach towns, you know, along the southern coast.
Actually, they have them on all coasts in Britain.
No, no, no.
Go to the beginning.
I think he has sandals in this video that really bothers me.
but you don't see them much.
It's a wonderful city.
I'm in for Brighton.
Just if you look at first shots right now, it's a wonderful city.
I love how he enunciated right now.
No matter how do you try, just so cool.
The way his mother describes it is he has a sentence in his head, and then on the way out its mouth, someone moves the words around.
But he's just so optimistic.
And he's a grown man.
I mean, he loves women.
He wants a girlfriend.
He talks about having pints in Britain.
He loves British culture and pubs.
He loves America.
Actually, he has a song.
What's that song?
He sings about America.
And he's like, New York City is a great place to go.
The Twin Towers aren't there anymore.
Like, he mentions 9-11 as a thing that's no longer there.
These glasses are much better, aren't they, for TV.
The Twin Towers was totally gone.
That's the only time I've ever laughed at September 11.
Dude, what an understatement.
Where's your camera?
What an understatement.
I spent $40 on that.
You did, yes.
You're wasting my money.
It's right here.
You know how pints that is?
That's the most dramatic understatement I've ever heard.
It's like, there was a plane accident a couple years ago.
The Twin Towers are totally gone.
Kind of annoyed the Twin Towers are totally gone.
I wanted them rebuilt the next day.
So did Trump.
Yeah.
This was my goal.
He was pissed about.
As president of the United States, you start rebuilding them on September 13th, and British people begin a conspiracy theory that September 11th never happened.
You know why I would love that?
Because it would piss off the terrorists.
Because they did bust their ass.
It was one of the, I don't like the word great, but I mean it in a very literal sense, meaning large.
It was one of the most effective acts of war in the history of the sport.
It's hard to be blasphemous, not to be blasphemous when you talk about September 11th.
It changed my life forever.
It made me political.
Can you turn my little thing so it's facing me?
But the reason I bring up Daniel Wakeford is a much bigger point.
And that is it reminds me of a time where we were better with each other.
I mean, political correctness, they chastise you for saying the word retard.
Yet, with their abortions, they actually commit genocide and have basically erased people with Down syndrome.
They must be aware of that, some of the smarter ones, that they are being ethnically cleansed.
The hypocrisy is amazing.
And I honestly believe that political correctness, it takes anyone who's not mainstream, and that includes visible minorities, and it sort of puts them in a little box away.
Don't touch.
Ah, this show, by the way, I forgot about that part.
This show is criticized as being exploitation.
This is a really awkward.
It's insulting.
The undatable stars rubbish exploitation claims ahead of new series.
So that woman who's severely disfigured, she's saying that it's insulting that people are saying that her show is exploitation or the show she was on.
And she's right.
People volunteer to be on it.
And they hook up.
They get dates.
Undatables, and this is why I hate this sort of war on color.
Undatables is a self-aware term.
And what the show is saying is, are they so undatable?
Maybe not.
It's like when I did that video, 10 Things I Hate About the Goddamn Jews.
It was obviously an homage to Israel and my frustration at liberal Jews who can't embrace nationalism and be proud of everything about Israel, including their awesome wall that has brought down terrorism to this.
There was a show called How's Your News.
I used to work with this guy, Arthur Bradford, through Vice.
I had them guest edit our episode.
Don't look for the Israeli wall.
Look for How's Your News.
And he took, he worked at a camp.
It's like Camp Jabberwocky, I think it's called.
And It's for mostly people with Down syndrome, but severely mentally handicapped people.
And he would take them to events to interview people.
And sometimes you laugh at them.
I knew her.
That was Susan.
That guy just says boya, boyah.
He's dead now, I believe.
Can you turn it up?
I can't hear it.
Here comes How Trainer.
We're going to tear this place apart.
We all met at a summer camp for people with disabilities.
Now we're traveling across America to bring you the story like no one else can.
Now the truth comes out.
Have Star Magazine and I've seen your picture in.
Well, it's in there quite a bit.
I love Panda Montana.
I watch it every day.
Thank you.
Are you sent to me in the Grammy?
Very.
I'm an oil man.
I'm an oil man.
Hey, yeah.
Anyway.
You guys.
That's touching.
I like it.
Yeah.
Susan, by the way, is kind of a bitch.
You're allowed to say that, too.
I went to see them once, and I know her, and she would send me, once you get on her radar, on her Rolodex, you get a Christmas thing, a Thanksgiving thing, every holiday.
You're going, hi, how are you?
I'm Susan.
And so I was lining up to say hi to her, and I had already worked with them.
They edited an issue of Vice.
And I had to line up, and I was behind, what's her name from Strangers with Candy?
Jerry.
Jerry Blank.
But the woman who plays him.
Not Amy Schumer plays her.
Anyway, I was with Jerry Blank and all these other sort of celebs and rock stars.
People like Moby were in the line to meet her.
And so I finally get to her and I go, hey, Susan, that was a great show.
And I go, wow, you're really famous here.
I had to line up with a bunch of celebrities just to get to say hi to you.
And she goes, yeah, I'll bet you did, Buster.
And guess what?
When we do our next set, you're going to get back to the end of the line and do it all over again.
And I thought, you arrogant bitch.
Her name is Geraldine Antonia, by the way.
That's not who played.
Playboy blank, you buffoon.
Amy Sederis.
Amy Sederis.
That was just a little prank.
That was a funny prank.
That wasn't very good, yes.
But do you get what I'm saying?
Like, back when I was a kid, I don't like using the retard for actual retards, but back when I was a kid, there was always a handicapped person in your group, and you would laugh when they did something funny, and you were laughing with them.
But now, with political correctness, we're so scared of someone laughing at them that we avoid handicapped people entirely.
Even Bill Burr has a bit about this, about kids, where he's like, remember kids?
I used to like kids.
They're like little drunk people.
And I would like to hang out with them.
Now, you're just like, get away from me.
I don't want anyone saying anything.
Don't touch me, kid.
Here, you say that as Bill Burr.
You turn the camera onto yourself.
Ah, dude, they got sticky hands, you know?
They touch everything.
There's like lollipop dust on it.
But the point of the bit is he's saying you're worried about being accused of being a pedophile.
Yeah, you're like, you give a kid a hug or a high five, and it's like, ah, dude, he's a pedophile, you know?
It's brutal.
That was good.
I got to work out that bit a little more.
No, that was great.
Thanks.
And he's right.
And this is why I have devoted my life to, besides promoting the patriarchy and families and trying to get kids to have kids, people to have kids.
One is for losers.
Two is for fags.
Three is a bare minimum.
Bare minimum three kids.
You know, I think Lily and Daniel are going to have kids.
Did I cut you off?
I'm sorry.
No?
Well, I think Lily and Daniel might have kids.
They got married.
So Daniel's the guy who made them salute.
Yeah, no, usually people who are too handicapped to take care of kids are not allowed.
They're usually neutered.
As that Bonnie McFarlane Pat Dixon fight revealed.
I don't think men with Down syndrome can inseminate successfully.
I don't think their sperm works.
Not even legally, I think women with Down syndrome can get pregnant, but I think most moms of her make sure it doesn't happen because anyway, way to turn this into something really depressing and unfortunate, Brian.
And I think you're a retard for thinking that they're going to have kids.
But anyway, here's a date with Daniel Wakeford meeting a girl.
I don't know why you jumped into it before I was done saying what I was saying, but might as well play it now.
I'm sorry.
These are the places he likes to eat.
Lily.
He's like, Lily, pay attention.
Lily theme parks are Chessington and Fort Park and karaoke and disco dancing.
Do you like disco dancing?
What is your favorite music?
I love watching the X Factor.
Hey, I'm on VX Factor too.
What is your favorite songs?
A love song.
I'm a singer and I'm a songwriter.
Daniel.
I fancy you.
I wish my dates were more skillful like this.
I had to court my wife for like two years.
I always loved having a fancy you either as well.
There it is.
We got to make t-shirts.
We have to make a t-shirt that says, I like your new sunglasses with some sunglasses on it.
And then we also need a t-shirt that says, I always loved having a fancy you either as well.
Anyway, sorry, back to my earlier point before I was so rudely interrupted by, I don't like saying co-host.
He's not worthy of that.
Producer?
Pest.
Jerk.
By my pest.
My pet pest.
Yes, of course, this show is heavily devoted to families and let's have some more kids.
We need more American families, more proud Western chauvinist families.
I want the 80s back.
When Trump says make America great again, he's not talking about slavery.
He's talking about 1983.
This is what we want back.
Lots of kids.
But secondly, and this is all part of that too.
Secondly, I want to fight back against this perpetual gray that we're getting from political correctness, where you can't be around mentally handicapped people.
You can't be around kids.
You can't say this joke.
You can't say that joke.
I would Argue that back when you had more of an Archie Bunker, Gran Torino, get these Polaks out of here kind of repertoire with your fellow man, the country had less hate, was less racist, had more homogeneity, had more harmony.
And it reminds me of my favorite philosopher, Slavov Zisek.
He's one of these Balkanized Slavs who has a habit of constantly picking at himself.
He's a very itchy guy.
I think he has Tourette's or something.
But here he is defending racist jokes.
But it's my same point.
Of course, racist jokes and so on can be extremely oppressive, humiliating, and so on.
But the solution, I think, is to create an atmosphere or to practice drug jokes in such a way that they really function as that little bit of obscene contact which establishes true proximity between us.
And I'm talking for my own sake.
Primal contract that establishes true proximity between us.
Could you be more verbose there, Zizik?
Take it easy, bro.
What he's saying is when you can offend someone, you have a better repertoire.
He tells another story in another video about how these two black guys came to get his book.
He's written a lot of books.
Have them signed.
And as he was handing them back, he had their names on him.
He goes, I can't tell which is which because all your black people look the same.
And they laughed and said, you're my nigger or something like that.
Hard R?
No.
No.
Go ahead, Slavov.
Past political experience, ex-Yugoslavia.
I remember when I was young, when I met from other, when I met with other people from ex-Yugoslav Republic, Serbs, Croats, Bosnias, and so on, we were all the time telling dirty jokes about each other.
Serbs.
But not so much against the other.
We were in a wonderful way competing who will be able to tell a nastier joke about ourselves.
These were obscene racist jokes.
But their effect was a wonderful sense of shared obscene solidarity.
And I have another proof here.
Do you know that when civil war exploded in Yugoslavia, early war or before India?
That's enough, that's enough, that's enough.
That guy, I am personally paying for his next dental appointment.
I don't care what it costs.
$7,000?
No problem.
$7,000?
What is going on with the back motors?
His opine proximity to one another.
This paradigm.
You can tell him he reads more than he talks to English people because he pronounces words phonetically like paradigm.
Anyway, that's that.
If you can relate Slavov Zizak and his racist jokes to his fellow Slavs, to his fellow Bosnians, Croats, his fellow Balkanized buddies, if you can relate that to the opening song, Playboy Girls, So Much Sexy, if you can see a similarity there, then I have done a successful intro.
I would now like to turn 90 degrees to Homeless Me and discuss the state of poetry today.
I've always hated poetry, as my father pointed out when I was a young man.
Understand why you would say that is a thing, but why would you take this roundabout route going over and then you eventually get to see that's a thing?
Why waste your time?
And I would add to that, yes, Dad, and the cadence that they have all chosen, this synonymous cadence where they come in and they say together that the thing must, and the way they go back and forth to each other.
Well, I checked in on it thanks to a magazine I found.
And it's just as annoying as you thought it was.
Take it away, homeless me bumper.
Have a discount from the United States.
Hello, I'm a man.
I'm married to a woman.
My wife reads this magazine.
As you can see through the holes of the green, it's called The New Yorker.
It's a really pretentious magazine.
Every article is about a book long.
And sometimes I punish myself by reading the beginning.
And they have these fun little tidbits at the beginning just to sort of lure you in.
And in the section, Homecoming, The Feelings, they talk about Sarah Kay, K-A-Y, and Phil Kay.
There they are.
And I like to check in two boomer liberals and see what they see as valid.
And these are two Jewish Japanese kids, Upper West Side types.
I think they're actually Californians, but they fit in beautifully with the Upper West Side, Upper East Side.
Same thing.
And they do poetry.
They do slam poetry.
And so I read this when I'm sitting in my kitchen and I go, okay, I'll look it up on my computer.
I'll see on the off chance there's any validity in boomer liberal culture, in rich people culture.
And I look at it and go, way shittier than I could have ever imagined.
And by the way, Sarah Kay and Phil Kay.
Phil, if you're not gay, why are you not fucking her?
You guys go on tour together doing this shit?
If you're not gay, you're going to dick jail.
You guys are the same.
It's your buddy, but with genitalia that fits.
Anyway, this poem, which has like a billion views.
So in the millennials love it, boomers love it.
This is a bunch of sexless millennials telling us what love is, because we don't know.
Tell us about love, you fucking nerds.
I. I knew exactly what love looked like in seventh grade.
Even though I hadn't met love yet, If love had wandered into my homeroom, I would have recognized him at first glance.
Love wore a hemp necklace.
I would have recognized her at first glance.
Just pause.
Look how smug they are.
They're so proud of themselves for writing this mediocre poem that, as a high school teacher, if you read it as an essay, you'd go, what are you doing?
What's the point here?
What are you doing?
But when they frame it like this and they speak simultaneously, it's seen as some sort of incredible talent.
Help me out here.
What is this thing?
Wore a tight French braid.
Love played acoustic guitar and knew all my favorite Beatles songs.
Love wasn't afraid to ride the bus with me.
And I knew.
I just must be checking the wrong classroom.
Just must be searching the wrong hallways.
She was there.
I was there.
Must have been searching the wrong hallway.
She was there with her French braid.
Finally showed up.
She had a bowl cut.
He wore the same clothes every day for a week.
Love hated the bus.
Love didn't know anything about the Beatles.
Instead, every time I tried to kiss love, our teeth got in the way.
Love was in the beat.
I remember when I was a young man, maybe 19, my father said to me, I don't get poetry.
I understand saying that is a thing, but why would you have this roundabout way of going from right to left, right to left, then eventually going that is a thing?
And I thought he was insane when he said that, but I couldn't agree more.
How superfluous is this?
How self-indulgent is this?
How frivolous and fucking useless is are these two children telling us what love is?
That this guy liked a chick who had a French braid, and this guy liked a guy with a hemp necklace when she was eight years old or something?
I don't care.
I know you did.
I assumed you did.
Now I'm talking like a poet.
I assumed you did, and we all assumed together.
Reason I lied to my parents.
I'm going to Ben's house.
Love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor, but made sure we never missed a slow song.
Love waited by the phone because she knew if her father picked up, it would be...
Hello.
Oh, my God.
I guess they hung up.
And love grew.
Just pause.
I get accused of bigotry a lot, and they assume I hate black people and Jews and trans and whatever.
I am a bigot.
I hate these people.
These people, the things they like, that guy's shirt, the way he wears his shirt, her brooch, her jewelry, the people in the audience, they make me sick to my stomach.
They make my blood boil.
I hate them.
So yes, I guess I am a bigot in that sense.
I do have hate in my heart.
And it's hate for these fucking cunts.
Like a trampoline.
Love changed.
Love changed.
Disappeared.
Slowly.
Like baby teeth.
Like butterfarts.
Love vanished like a amateur magician.
Everyone could see the trapdoor but me.
Like a flat tire.
There were other places I had planned on going.
But my plans didn't matter.
Love stayed away for years.
And when love finally realized that.
It's like, you know what this is?
This is the sound of someone with a doting mother who's just sitting on the couch at home in the basement going, unbelievable.
This is so good.
Oh my God, you have an incredible gift.
And then they go out and all these other doting mothers go, oh, I wish that was my child.
Actually, my child is as good as this.
She's coming on next.
It's sort of like pageantry, you know, like those beauty pageants for those four-year-olds.
That's what this is.
This is the Diamonds in Tiara's shit.
I barely recognized her.
Love smelled different now.
Had darker eyes.
A broader back.
Love came with freckles I didn't recognize.
New birthmark.
Professor.
A softer voice.
Now there were new sleeping patterns.
New favorite books.
Love had stopped.
Stop.
I can't do this anymore.
This is fucking garbage.
I just have to wait and see.
Ryan wants us to do a poem like that.
I do.
I don't know if you're funny enough.
Is it about funny or is it about scale?
Well, we'd have to write it.
Yeah, I've been writing songs my whole life.
Okay.
We'd have to be incredibly witty.
I don't have an interview this episode.
I want to talk to James O'Keefe maybe next episode.
He stopped settling lawsuits.
I think he settled when he first started because, you know, he'd say it's $300,000 and five years of your life to fight this.
Just take the plea.
And then, of course, the media says James O'Keefe pleads guilty.
They do this to proud boys, too.
They pled guilty.
Well, yeah, sort of.
It was five days of community service, picking up garbage by the highway, or another $35,000, two years of your life, 12-hour depositions, going to court again and again, taking off work, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And people just don't have the money.
So pleading guilty doesn't mean anything, you heartless cads.
When the Muhammad video guy was put away, it didn't mean that he deserved to be put away.
Then conversely, you have, you know, what's her name, Tina Fox, Tim, what's her name?
Fox?
Kim Fox saying that Jussie Smollett shouldn't be prosecuted.
She says, just because someone has done something wrong, just because someone's done a crime, doesn't mean they should be prosecuted.
Sounds reasonable.
She looks like an Australian Aboriginal.
A little bit.
Like a she-hulk.
Is that racist to say someone looks like a different type of black person?
I don't know, but she has skipping stones on her neck.
Those are like perfect skipping stones.
There was another black guy, a prosecutor in Dallas, County DA, who said that you shouldn't prosecute someone if they spent.
They stole something under $750.
Sounds reasonable.
Anyway, so we don't want to have a guest today, but it's great that James has stopped settling and he just takes it.
Like there was, takes it to the end, sits there for 13 hours, pays hundreds of thousands of dollars.
A third of his job is court now.
And I think it's these globalist Soros-related groups that are funding these people.
And they just say, here's $300,000.
Because the people suing will be like a teacher.
and you go, where'd you get $300,000?
But James is winning now.
And it's consequential because all of these globalist billionaires are going, wait a minute, these guys aren't settling anymore?
Well, this is not as lucrative.
But we'll get to that on another day.
I have much more important news.
The 25 Hottest Chicks has been updated.
And there's been some pretty big changes.
I think the biggest one is Amelia Clark.
She's out.
She was, where was she now?
She was high up.
She was in the top five.
I think she was right below Kimbra.
She may have been number three.
And this is because in the movie Han Solo, she is unspeakably gorgeous.
I saw the movie with my wife, and she's so pretty in it that I had to pull back so my wife couldn't see my face.
And I was like this for half the movie.
It was like watching a car crash, but gorgeous.
This is like, well, now why is she off the list?
She's off the list because she had a brain aneurysm.
And that's gross.
Ladies, if you want to know how to not make a guy horny, then have a brain aneurysm.
Now, she did have a brain aneurysm, and that's very sad, but and these shoes are weird, gross old lady shoes that your grandmother wears to your funeral because she can't wear heels anymore.
And I hate black toenail polish, but that's not why she's off the list.
Not the brain aneurysm, that was a joke.
Not these shoes, though we're not nuts about them.
It's what she's doing in these shoes.
She did a song with Chris Martin of Coldplay, I believe, where she did a politically correct reggae version of a Game of Thrones story, without a Jamaican accent, because that's racist, of course.
But still maintains the tone, the reggaeton.
It's not reggaeton.
That's Puerto Rican.
This is reggae-toned satire.
And it's why Amelia Clark went from the top five hottest chicks in the world to nowhere on the list.
I don't know what number she is now.
41, maybe?
Yeah.
Oh, like if the list extended, I'd say like in the triple digit, like 119.
She's 109 from top five to 119.
That's how fickle us men are.
That's how shallow we can be.
Anyway, let's have a look at what killed Amelia Clark.
was not her brain aneurysm.
Game of what now?
Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm a Rastafarian.
Oh.
Targaryen.
I got some dragons and they are very scary.
Been here and there and then I do.
Been everywhere again.
Rastafarian.
Target.
Targaryen.
When you wanna reach me, and if you feel the love, then you can call me Kali.
She got so many names.
I'm queen of the angels.
Queen of the Marine.
Yeah, you can kiss me, Sandals.
No, thank you.
Oh my god.
I got goose pimples all in the back of my neck and then on this part of my arm.
Douche chills.
I am a goose pimple.
I'm just a walking...
Nice to know you.
Nice.
My fantasies, you can go come into my fantasies.
You'll see a bag packed.
Your toothbrush is there.
Come pick up your stuff from my wank fantasies.
You are a cringe-worthy gross chicken.
You are not on the list no more.
It would be funny, though, if she did a real ghetto Ponda Gully dance hall song, which is like, here the leg, kuff, raka jagat.
Girl flex, time to have sex.
We know for why you're going to vex me so.
Kuff, kuff, here the leg, and raka jagat.
Yeah, that way.
It's like, oh shit.
She could do it.
Actually, the cover of Batty Boy by Buju Bantan.
By buying the Batty Boy face.
Oh, yeah.
It's got gunshots in it.
Find that song.
Christophon Toster.
Christopher Van Tost.
It's called Batty.
Cutty Ranks.
Batty Boy by Buju Bantan.
It's an anti-gay song that ruined his career.
He's still, this was like 35 years ago.
They're still persecuting him for this song.
He did an infomercial about AIDS and awareness and pro-gay stuff.
And in his defense, some gay guy had just molested a bunch of kids in Kingston, Jamaica.
And he was like 19 at the time.
So the vibe was not very gay-friendly.
But a batty boy is a homosexual.
I believe it's a reference to the bat.
You're a boy who likes bats.
Play this song.
Is this the right one?
It's a remix.
It's sped up.
the remix but that's fine.
We know fi promote dem batty boy dem hafi dead.
That means they have to die?
Yeah, they have to be killed.
Anyways, that's quite a tangent.
Also off the list is Amelia Clark.
She was number four, I think, right next to her.
And I just...
Wasn't Amelia Clark the one we just went through?
Did I just say Amelia Clark?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ella Belinska.
Ella Balinska is off the list.
And she's off the list.
It's going to sound crazy, but for being too pretty, too fragile, not enough character, not enough oomph.
Like I want, if you look at the number one, Kimbra, she's got some culture to her.
This is just an obscenely attractive woman to the point of ridiculousness.
And you'll notice on this list, there's a lot of random chicks from commercials and stuff.
But supermodels don't really need to get on because I don't really find supermodels hot.
They just look inhuman.
And half the time they look handsome with their square chins.
So we had some pretty normal moves, but I'm just going to stick to the drastic ones here.
Liz Plank.
She's such a feminist.
She's so liberal.
I know she'd hate to be on this list, and that turns me off.
So I moved her.
So she was number 15 previously.
She's now way down to number 21.
Another one who plummeted down the list, probably for the same reason, there she is.
She's basically gone.
I wouldn't be surprised if she gets pushed out soon.
And it's because she's a feminist who hates being beautiful.
And that wrecks her beauty.
You know what I mean?
She's not cool with it.
I need to be taken seriously as a feminist.
Okay, well, then you're not a hot chick anymore.
Similarly, Allison Stokie.
She was number five.
She's now number 18.
She went way down the list, and it's for similar reasons.
She's not a feminist, but she hates that she is ogled, and she hates that men find her attractive.
Yeah, sorry about that, by the way.
Please forgive me for noticing.
I'm not nuts about a six-pack.
When you're down in that region, you must look up and see a very, I mean, assuming your boobs are hidden, you're looking at a very fit man's belly, a gay man's belly.
Gay men have that.
Don't do that, ladies.
Not many of you do.
That's gross, man.
That is gross.
Korianka Kilcher, she plummeted also down to number 17 from number nine.
Other people didn't move much.
Oh, yeah.
She's too young, by the way.
In that movie, The New World, she's 14.
That's gross.
Holy shit.
Kimberly Guilfoyle.
I realized after we were done the list, we forgot Fox News.
So Kimberly Guilfoyle magically appeared from zero.
She was not on the list.
She's now number 13.
Brian, could you choose a worse picture of her, please?
She looks like a yam.
What is this, Thanksgiving?
I don't know.
There's so many hot pictures of her.
Change that photograph.
Okay.
1114.
I'm not mentioning the ones that just did a little bit of moving.
Oh, here's one.
From zero.
Nowhere on the list.
We had forgotten about her.
To number six, Grace Fulton.
Grace Fulton, I'd never seen her before I saw the movie Shazam.
Not the most amazing picture of her.
Her chin is a bit too intense.
But she looks like an insane beauty.
There's nothing special about her.
She grew up, I think, in the Midwest, Indiana, maybe somewhere like that.
You know, I think her parents might have been in stupid drama stuff like theater.
But holy crap, is she a looker?
She looks like Beatrice Dahl with normal teeth.
So she suddenly appeared in number six.
You know who else we don't have in here?
That chick, that Fox News chick who looks like a Bambi.
What the hell is her name?
She's always on Tucker.
And she's got these cute lips, big teeth.
She looks like a bunny that you said.
I remember.
Yeah.
Oh, Lisa Booth.
Lisa Booth.
Is Lisa Booth not on this list anywhere?
No.
See?
This thing is so amorphous.
It's like taking a picture of a black hole.
Look at her.
She's a cartoon.
She's a Disney cartoon.
We'll have to get her on the list somehow.
I'm happy to kick out Allison Stoke entirely.
But yeah, I think that's the only movement we have.
Number two, still Sonoya Mizuno, and we still have Kimbra at the very top.
Congratulations.
There's Kimbra right here.
That's a good picture, right?
Yeah.
I don't know what to look for here.
You have a weird taste.
You hate Asians.
Don't like them at all.
As people racist.
Yeah.
You're a racist person.
That's fair.
I'm fine with that.
That would be funny.
This New Yorker journalist is writing a book about conservatives.
And a fact-checker called me yesterday.
And she was going through all these things.
And it said things like, if you call us a Nazi, I'm going to kick the shit out of you.
And I was like, yeah, that's fair.
I probably said that.
You also said to a journalist from ABC, why are you everyone calling me racist?
I got plenty of true stuff you could accuse me of.
Like, I'm kind of xenophobic.
I'm pretty darn sexist.
And you could make a good case for Islamophobe.
Islamophobia.
And I was like, yep, said that.
At Deplorable, a man, you approached a man, you threw his phone on the ground, licked his face, and then punched another man in the face.
Yep.
Yep.
That's about right.
That's about what happened.
I want that to happen on that to catch a predator thing where they go, so what are you doing here?
Oh, I met a 14-year-old online, and she was being very effusive sexually, and I thought, I want to have sex with her.
So I brought over a bunch of wine coolers to get her drunk and a condom, and I'm here to do the deed.
Bye.
Who are you?
How does that happen?
I'm actually Chris Hansen.
Oh.
Oh, so it's not happening?
Ah, shit.
Why don't you take a seat?
You said that you want to have sex.
He ends up seducing the guy.
You talk so sexually.
You sound like Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show.
So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab.
I see you were messaging her with Antissa patient.
Oh, you could have gone way longer on that one, dude.
If you were a true artist, you would have done one minute.
No way.
And we would have been sitting here.
It would have been a crazy part of the show.
People would be talking about it for years.
No way you would let me wait.
Yes, I would.
And then you could toggle back to me and you in different shots.
We'll do it next time.
No, you blew it.
It's just over?
All right, we're running out of time here.
I want to squeeze in the mail bag.
That's what she said.
Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag Let me touch it Can you pull this up on the screen?
Because the one I printed out, I get a lot of women sending me letters.
Not seductive letters, as you may have guessed when you look at this, but just letters about life.
I think a lot of them appreciate that I venerate the housewife.
And they go, finally, somebody doesn't want me to be a sex object, a colostomy bag for other men's seminal fluids for the rest of my life.
So this is from a woman named Alyssa Doot.
No, no, no.
It's in the separate document.
Once again, told you that before.
It'll be on screen.
Alyssa Doot.
Hey, Gavin and Ryan.
No, I want it on screen because mine's cropped a bit.
I don't think you ever linked me to it.
Well, if you go to the Google Docs, there's one called a male.
Very clear.
Very clear.
And it's the top one.
But you have to share it with me.
I don't think you shared it with me.
What?
Yeah, you have to share.
I'm not automatically included in all your docs.
Oh, that's stupid.
I know.
All right.
I'm not impressed by Google Docs.
You youngsters always make me go to Google Docs.
It doesn't print well, and it's not better than email.
I like my old-fashioned email.
You could just have looked this up by now.
Hey, Gavin and Ryan.
I hope this is the right email address.
We'll see how this goes.
I had to read a book titled Unwind for one of my classes.
The book has an interesting premise, and I'm curious what you guys think.
It's a young adult novel about life after a fictional Second Civil War fought between those who are pro-life and those who are pro-choice.
I'm guessing a lot of this letter because about 25% of it is cut off on one side.
The compromise that was reached to end the war was the signing of the Bill of Life, a bill that made all abortion legal.
However, this comes with two stipulations.
First, desperate mothers are allowed to leave their children on the doorstep, making owners of the house the legal gardens of the child.
These people are allowed to keep the baby or give it to an orphanage.
Second, parents can choose to have their children terminated anytime between the ages of 13 to 18.
This is called being unwound, a process that includes harvesting organs and other body parts for donation.
God, this says so much.
Once the unwind order has been given, it can't be taken back, and the only hope for these kids is to run away and survive until the age of 18, when they cannot be unwound.
What do you guys think of this premise?
I didn't think the compromise made sense.
It seems unrealistic to me that either would be okay with this.
This compromise seems to imply that pro-lifers only care about preventing the murder of children and that pro-choicers just want to kill children, regardless of the age.
The author doesn't seem to understand the beliefs of both these parties.
Thank you for all you do, and thank your wife, too, for holding down the house while you fight the good fight.
Alicia Doot.
Callo, it's a base.
Cello, it's a base.
Could you have a t-shirt that says that and has Jack Black's face?
Could he sue you?
Does he have his own face copyrighted?
Like if it was a drawing of him?
No, I think you could, I think, get a bunch of people.
I don't think you own a drawing of your face.
No.
So don't go and make a t-shirt with my face that just has fag at the dump.
No.
Unless you want to be very funny.
How funny would that be if I ran into someone with that shirt on and went, hey?
And then they go, oh, hey.
Are you mad?
Imagine they just didn't react.
Or they just walked by and went like this.
That's one of my cooler enemies.
Sticking to it.
He didn't put the shirt on and forget what he stands for.
You know, sometimes they're like, dude, me too.
And you're like, what do you mean?
And then you look down and you're like, oh, shit.
Trump shirt on.
Mexicans go home.
I think this letter perfectly sums up why I hate academia, why I hate college, why I hate teachers, why I hate professors.
They are communists, and communists have no value for human life.
They also don't have kids.
The person who wrote this book doesn't have kids.
And the people who write these stories, they don't have kids.
They don't care about children.
And this is the worst thing about communism, where they'll happily just sign a decree.
Stalin will write down, yeah, let's kill 40 million Bolsheviks.
Yeah.
And Holodomor.
Yeah, let's Hitler, the socialist.
Yeah, let's kill 6 million Jews.
Yeah, let's do that.
Mao, the communist.
Yeah, let's kill 80 million Chinese.
Anyone who opposes me, really, and the entire middle class, let's kill them.
And you see these academics talking about abortion a day after the baby is born.
I've actually heard academics, in fact, my teacher, when I was in college myself at Carleton University in philosophy, my teacher was Marvin Glass, head of the Canadian Communist Party at the time.
And he told us it's okay to have an abortion up until a year after the baby is born.
What?
Because here's the logic.
A monkey is more human, or whatever criteria you come up with for human, you can recognize people, you're friendly, you know this, you know that.
A monkey knows more.
So, ergo, you can kill anything that is less human than a monkey.
Seems logical.
So just go up to a baby with a ball peeing hammer and whack it.
Is this him?
Marvin Glass Ottawa?
Yeah, maybe.
I haven't seen him in 30 years, so he's just- might not look that way?
Okay, yeah, that's him then.
He died.
Oh, he died?
He's older.
Yep, that's the same guy.
Marvin Glass Ottawa Obituaries.
Huh.
You know?
Doesn't he look like a communist?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He does.
They're dressed the same, too.
They're always slovenly.
As you wear basically the same coat.
No, but you should have seen his bag and his filthy pants and his stupid.
They always wear slip-on shoes.
How are we doing for time?
I think we're out of time.
Do we have time to do viral videos?
I would think so.
Yeah, we're at.
Okay, let's do it.
This guy I just discovered through my favorite site, Reddit Cringe.
And it's just a dude who is...
Two, four, six, eight.
Yeah, 10 videos.
100% of them are nagging people who park on the fire lane at one strip mall in Florida where I think he sells stuff on eBay.
So he's always at the post Office dropping off some little art and craft he's put together.
Why don't you focus on your own life, dude?
Hey, dude, you need to focus on your own life.
Dude, you're doing like spaghetti, like picture frames?
You're like crazy gluing like little seashells to shit?
Dude, that's an old lady's hobby.
It must bother people at home when they hear good Bill Burr and then bad Bill Burn, then good Bill Burn, then bad burn.
That's an old lady's hobby.
Yeah.
Sending stuff to the post office, selling stuff on eBay.
I mean, if you own a record store and you've noticed that some of your rarer vinyl sells better on eBay, that's okay.
But if you're just assembling bric-a-brac at home, that's not okay.
Some jobs for men are not okay.
Stay-at-home dad?
No.
Male nurse?
No.
Flight attendant?
If you're not gay, no.
If you have tattoos, remember that one guy had tattoos?
Looked like he could beat both of us up?
Yeah, I'm just kind of.
I'm just trying to be a bad guy.
I'm kind of a badass stewardess.
I like white shirts with epaulettes.
As Anthony Cumia says, don't you want to be driving the plane?
Why are you serving as pretzels?
A waitress in the sky, you call it.
You ain't nothing but a waitress in the sky.
That's the replacements.
All right, let's look at the top left one.
Just to see.
I mean, you don't even have to see the videos.
You know where they are.
Well, you can't park like that.
I don't care.
Okay.
I can fucking have a diamond video.
Okay.
What does he call himself?
Angry, illegal drivers.
They're not driving illegally.
They're parking illegally.
Why is he so worried about it?
I don't even understand what the fire lane is for.
Is that so fire trucks can park close?
If there's a fire, yeah, they would park there, I suppose.
They'll be okay.
Tell you what, if there's a major super bonfire and a fire truck shows up and someone's in the way, just ram them out of the way.
Yeah.
We'll get new headlights.
What's this?
Some old bitch.
I love that wallflower song, by the way.
New headlights.
Wait, what do you go back?
I could watch these all day.
Look, he didn't have the courage to confront her.
So what are you doing with this tape?
You're shaming them with their license plate?
The driver can get out of the way.
She surprised you and that that's okay.
But couldn't talk to a woman.
It actually turns out that you can't do that.
The only thing that is allowed is momentary loading and unloading.
This is obviously not momentary.
They've already been there for, I don't know, 30 seconds, a minute.
We've got a second problems, dude.
Is that RX-7?
What?
He's naming the type of car, is he?
What is he?
Well, look at this guy.
You can't park there.
Sometimes he gets the courage to say you can't park there, but he thinks showing the driver's license is going to shame them.
Do you know how hard it is, even if you know cops, to get information out of a driver's license?
It's impossible.
You can't park like that, right?
There's someone waiting in the car.
It's okay.
Okay.
You send me a ticket, okay?
Read up on the law, my friend.
You a lawyer?
No, just a loser with no fucking job.
Really?
What did he say?
Are you a lawyer or just some loser with fucking...
Really?
With no fucking job.
Nailed it.
Nailed it, dude.
Oh, my God.
That guy got it perfect.
And his girlfriend laughed at him.
Great guy.
Sir, you lost this one.
And scene.
And then he turns the camera back to himself and you just see a pile of ashes being fucking disintegrated.
Like Thanos' power glove.
Now I'm going to.
Okay, don't.
We're never going to get better than that.
It's too good.
It's too good.
In fact, we have to end the show.
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