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April 26, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:15:20
#134 | Roseanne just came out as queer

In this particularly raunchy episode, we discuss the sexual habits of “queers” as well as the rampant STDs sweeping the country and how to deal with them. We also cover roasting marshmallows (related to STDs), soakers, and of course, not making it to the bathroom on time. This is a really gross episode.

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Time Text
Roseanne Barr just came out as queer.
You know what that means?
I like to smoke a lot of pot and get wasted and sometimes I'll let a chick eat me out.
Or maybe not even that.
Maybe she uh...
We'll just let a chick like be nude on top of her.
She'll have threesomes and there'll be a chick there and she'll make out with the chick.
That's what it is.
I bet she has threesomes.
Like Hawaii is probably a bunch of people just getting high.
Right?
She's a big pothead.
I like Roseanne Barr, by the way.
I've corresponded with her a couple times.
She called me funny once, invited me to Hawaii.
But this queer thing, it's not like she became a gay.
I think it's just like, I gotta get these social justice warriors off my back.
I can't become black.
I'll just become gay.
And then she thought about it and she's like, well, that time that that guy, I bet her boyfriend, this guy who comes over in bones, I bet he has a white mustache and he wears a Hawaiian shirt and he wears sandals.
And then sometimes some other chick that he met at AA will come over and they'll get high and make out.
And then she went, wait a minute.
I make out with chicks.
I'm queer.
I remember that actually.
This is probably fucking 1993.
I had a threesome with two girls, And then the next day, this girl, I won't say her name, but she was like, I guess I'm a lesbian now.
Cause she made out with the girl during the threesome.
Um.
And then she said that her mother was talking about lesbians a couple days after that.
She found herself getting offended because she thought, hey, I'm a lesbian now.
You can't talk about my people that way.
But of course she wasn't.
She married a guy.
Had kids and everything.
So I don't buy it.
I don't buy queer.
You know what else I don't buy?
Bi.
I don't bi bi.
I'm cheap.
I'm cheap when it comes to homosexuality.
I'm not buying it.
If you were NSYNC, you might buy, buy, buy.
There's no such thing as a bisexual.
Here's the deal, folks.
There are two genders, and there are gays and lesbians.
That's it.
And gays and lesbians represent 1% of the population.
Gays have butt sex.
And they suck each other off and they are not monogamous and they party a lot.
They're also pretty good for the economy because they don't have to be home at any time and they're all workaholics.
Lesbians, very different story.
They are grumpy because they don't get laid.
And they use sex toys when they first start dating.
They will bring men home and use them as sex toys.
Lucky bastards.
And then they get a thing called LBD.
Lesbian bed death.
And they cease to horse around.
I mean, you can see, like, in a marriage, after many, many years, you can still squeeze in a quickie because the anatomy works.
And I guess it's the same with the gays, although they're poor buttholes.
Those must just be destroyed.
Actually, I know for a fact they're destroyed, because in my book, Death of Cool, you can hear me hearing my gay neighbor through the walls, who was 80.
He was a war- I think he was a World War II vet.
And his asshole fell apart.
He never had men over, he was too old.
And I saw him wearing a coat with a medal on it, but I'd also hear him call men up and say, like he said to the man at the movie theater, I just want you to know that you're very attractive and I think you're a good-looking young man.
And then I could hear the young man not interested in an 85-year-old homo And he said, alright, well I'm very sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
That was not my intention.
And then he just was shitting everywhere and he called 911.
He called 911 on his asshole.
I'm not exaggerating.
Hello, is there an emergency?
Yes.
Okay, who is endangering you, sir?
It's my gay ass.
What do you mean?
No, literally, my gay ass has exploded.
And he got it all over the walls.
They had to replace drywall and stuff.
I heard all this through the wall.
Through the ceiling, actually.
He was above me.
Metaphorically.
And he said, I got it on the walls.
It's all over the place.
My legs have ruined all my pants.
And I remember thinking, can't you just get a diaper?
How'd you get it on the walls?
You walk around like piglet with just a t-shirt and no pants on?
Like if there's one person who shouldn't be pantless, it's the guy who has no anus.
His anus looks like a baby yawning.
It's just, his farts sound like this.
His farts sound like someone trying to steam up a window on a cold day so they can draw a heart on it.
When he bent over to pick something up he would steam up your windows.
I remember this because I remember it was like, there's shit all over the walls and stuff.
And he's like, "Oh, what an awful time to hula hoop." - He bent over once when I was over there because he wanted me to fuck him and he had no pants on.
And I was confused for a sec, because I didn't have my glasses, and I thought a guy with no eyes and no nose was yawning.
No, I didn't.
I never corresponded with him, actually.
Oh, poor guy.
That was in an apartment in Montreal on... And there was, um... One time I look out my little peephole, and there's a fucking bum!
Trying to get into our homes.
Wow.
Uh, Quebec is like Europe and there's no rules.
You know, you could be polyamorous.
It was very Catholic and all the swear words are still Catholic.
Like callous is the chalice and tabarnak is the tabernacle.
You can say shit to a kid.
Fuck means nothing to them.
That's actually the French word for seal.
Um, Still, my chicken is, uh, is, uh, fuck my cock.
Um, but yeah, if you say anything about the church, old lady's ears bleed.
Uh, but it's got, you know, there's sort of like if all these lesbians and social justice warriors at college got their own province and it's the French, they call themselves, they say, we are the niggers of Canada.
That's an actual quote from the separatists.
And so they want, you know, reparations for all the horrible abuse they've suffered.
And Canadians being pussies, immediately comply.
Like the FLQ, the Front de Libération du Québec, decided that they wanted to have their own country, Quebec, in 1970.
So they blew up a bunch of buildings.
And ever since then, Canada's said, okay, whatever you want.
The whole fucking country is bilingual, which costs trillions.
You get on a plane in Vancouver and the stewardess is speaking in French.
She's just reading it phonetically because she can't speak French and no one on the fucking plane speaks French.
But every package has to be bilingual.
And then, to further appease the French, we elect probably about 70% frogs as Prime Ministers.
Like Justin Trudeau is a frog.
Fucking René Lévesque we had for a while.
Before then we had Justin's dad, Pierre Trudeau.
And guess how those people act towards the French?
They give them whatever they want.
It's like if you kept having Scottish presidents, there'd be a pub on every block.
It'd be a much better country than letting a fucking Frenchman run the show.
I love coming to America, you see the way they see French people and they think French from France.
Where I grew up, Canada, frogs are fucking losers.
They suck at everything they do.
You can beat up every single one of them, no problem.
Uh, we call them Pepsis, or Peppers, because they're poor, and Pepsi's cheaper than Coke, so you'd always see French people drinking Pepsi, and English people drinking Coke.
Pepsi is the N-word, by the way.
Buddy of mine got beat up by about five of them because he called them fucking peppers.
Because they give you the wrong directions.
If they hear you say, and you can speak French, but if you have an accent in English, they hate you.
So you say, excusez, je cherche pour la ruche sur Brooke.
Est-ce que c'est nord d'ici?
And they go, non, non, c'est sud.
And they'd send you off miles away just to fuck with you.
And my friend Adam, who's diabetic, and that explains how they were able to beat him up.
Because you could beat up five peppers.
He asked where he was, and he knew, he didn't know where he was going, but he knew that the directions I just gave him were wrong, and he just mumbled fucking peppers.
And they heard him and kicked his ass.
I was very angry at him for that.
Angry at him?
Yeah, you shouldn't get, that's like getting beat up by five midgets.
You're angry that he got beat up?
Oh, I got two good gym jokes I haven't done yet, but I'm gonna do.
One, I think they both could involve a cigarette.
I think they'd both be much funnier if you had a cigarette in your mouth.
But say you know a guy who's sparring, it's almost like when someone's taking a shit.
Like, you don't talk to that person.
Maybe when the bell rings, you could say, hey, looking good out there.
At the most.
But...
The guy's clearly busy.
I've always described boxing as it's like playing pool while someone throws bowling balls at you.
Actually, the coach fucking threw a medicine ball up my stomach today and it feels like I ate a broken bottle.
My tummy hurts.
What's the joke?
I don't know, I just, I said tummy and it reminded me that you asked my wife last night if you can have a sippy.
Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing with these gay words you keep inventing?
It's so irritating.
I'm talking to you the other day about something very important, and we're trying to get this website set up, so on June 1st we launch hard, and I say something, I can't remember what it was, but instead of saying why, you go, uh, pourquoi?
Right.
Do you have any idea how irritating that is?
And why did you ask my wife for a sippy, you mean a sippy cup?
My fucking six-year-old was laughing at you.
At you, not with you.
Oh.
What's a sippy?
Like a sip of a drink?
Yeah, no one says that.
Yeah, that's even worse than if you had said, can I get a drink-a-roo or something?
Like, at least that's the thing.
Sippy is an adjective.
Without further to do, I apologize.
That's stealing my bit, and that's funny.
When you get a colloquialism wrong, that's interesting.
But like, even earlier today, you said, you talked to that guy, you said, and I speaketh to him.
That's, like, it's like you're trying to kill me.
But why do blacks get to make up stuff?
At least blacks have the same ebo- blacks don't say spaketh to him.
They have a jive, an ebonics, what's the politically correct term for it?
Ebonics?
A-e-a-e-a-e-m?
A-e-m?
It's like African e- English... What's it called again?
Look it up.
It's the, ava, ave?
Ave.
I think it's ave, African Vernacular English.
But at least they're consistent, and it sounds cool.
Sippy doesn't fucking sound cool.
African American Vernacular English, yep.
Ave.
If you, hey folks at home, if any of you ever use the word ave, you, guess what, you can fly.
So if you regularly use the word Ave, I would recommend going to the top of the building you're on and jumping because you will just soar through the clouds and you'll fly and fly and fly.
And don't try it out like on the first floor or something.
Like really go for it your first time.
No need to try it out.
If you use the word Ave, you're special.
What did Bill Hicks say?
Like, why wouldn't people just try flying not from the fucking... Oh no!
We lost a moron!
He talks about acid and how much he loved doing acid and he said, but then people say it's dangerous because someone jumped off a building they thought they could fly.
And he goes, big deal!
We lost a moron!
If you think you can fly, why the fuck wouldn't you try it out on the ground first?
Right.
He was great, but it's kind of politically correct.
I was going to ask you something.
This better be good.
So this soldier, the assless soldier that was shitting and farting all over the gay old man.
Yes.
He was a soldier, right?
Yeah.
But not for America, for Canada in World War II.
Yes.
So is there like a reverence for Canadian military as much as there is in America?
Like what is the relationship like?
Massive reverence.
Massive reverence.
It's better here.
Nothing beats America.
Yeah, I would think so.
America is, I think, the only place in the world where a soldier will just be walking down the street and people just go, thank you for your service.
Or even if a guy's wearing a baseball hat that says veteran on it, people will just, thank you for your service.
It's like when Puerto Ricans say, God bless when they see a kid.
When I see a woman, I say, thank you for your cervix.
Okay.
Anyway, back to my funny ideas.
So it'd be funny, you go into the gym and there's a friend of yours boxing, and you just, with a cigarette in your mouth, you just walk up to him, in the fight, and start going, dude, you know I was talking about my friend's car there that has the spoiler on the back?
And you said a bird would get caught on it?
A bird did get caught on it, like a couple of days ago, and he had like bird guts all over the back of his car.
And then you inhale, you take a drag.
That's a good one.
And then another one, Is occasionally there's a class at the gym, right?
Pay an extra ten bucks and it's brutal.
And it's like boot camp in that you don't want to pussy out because everyone's doing it.
So, you know, if it went on for three hours, which it never does, you wouldn't want to be the guy to say, I got to stop guys, because now you've let down the gang, right?
So, it's relevant that it's in a group.
You would probably work harder than you would if you were on your own, because it's just you, and you're paying the trainer, and you'd say, fuck it, dude, I'm done.
And he has to say yes, because he's your employee, basically.
But in a group, it's different, and it's more of a military thing.
So, you do the class regularly, right?
And then one day you decide not to, and you're looking at the guys, and that's bad for their morale.
Right?
Cause someone left the gang and then they're sitting there having a delicious Gatorade just watching us die.
And then you add to it by walking over to them and going, guys, guys, I gotta be honest here.
I'm not seeing any heart.
I'm seeing a lot of laziness.
I'm seeing a lot of people sleeping on the job.
I want you to get out and give a hundred percent.
You're half-assing it.
And maybe call out people too.
Joey, get up off your ass!
That'll be funny, huh?
You think of that, so these are thoughts you have while you're there, you're like, how inappropriate would it be if I just started to do this?
Well I thought of it, no I thought of it leaving the gym.
I will definitely do it.
No you will not.
It's like the pointed toes.
I do the pointed toes all the time.
It's a hit.
Tell people to do the pointed toes?
Yeah.
I do it at baseball too with the kids.
And they're all ten years old staring at their feet, totally confused.
You know every time I fucking see a kid fumble a play, I look at the father and I just think, fuck you.
You're ruining our game by being a shitty dad who doesn't play catch with his son You your son sucks cuz you suck and if he misses or he starts swinging at balls.
I think fuck you dad Because you don't take him to the batting cage And he doesn't know how to hit a fucking ball you useless shithead who's working in finance.
They all work in finance in Westchester You're a money babysitter Okay.
You read the Wall Street Journal from cover to cover.
You call that work.
No, that's what we all do on Sunday.
We read the paper.
That's not magic.
And then you make a bunch of boring, shitty decisions.
And the market is always going up 45 degrees when you pull back a little bit.
Sure, there's ups and downs, but from even including the Great Depression, if you look at the stock market from 1900 till right now, you'll see a 45 degree line.
You got to zoom in to see the ups and downs.
So these guys just sit there as the economy gets better because life gets better.
Lifespan's improving, right?
The air is always getting better.
Everything just gets better naturally.
That's God's design.
And these assholes sit there and they get their commissions.
Their wives are interior designers, which is the dumbest fucking job in the world.
How do you not know what furniture you want?
How are you having a stranger buy a painting for your fucking house?
Now you're in a hotel room.
That's not a couch you bought.
That's not a painting you like.
You don't know what paintings you like?
Are you familiar with the expression, I don't know a lot about art, but I know what I like?
That's all it has to be.
You can have a fucking Mona Lisa painting, uh, poster, print, on foam core.
It's your fucking house.
Kumi is right, too, about that Man Cave shit.
Man Cave.
You paid for the house!
Now you're relegated to a room?
That's for the kids.
Your boy has his room.
It says Mark on the door on a racing car.
Now you have your little room?
Oh, I get to put my plexiglass baseball on top of the TV.
Congratulations.
This is demeaning.
Although my wife, I guess, is my interior designer.
But no, I've made some big decisions.
I have a God Save the Queen Sex Pistols flag professionally framed above the bed.
That's a major spot in the house.
If your wife does it, it's fine.
You're not hiring some floozy to come in your house.
Yeah, she has great taste.
She did curb the punk, though.
I've got a eight foot high Sex Pistols poster and then some prints from Gavin Watson on the walls.
And it was getting a little too punky museum.
Big picture of mods and... Curb your punkthusiasm?
Fuck off!
Oh, I was gonna do a whole bit.
No!
Why would you take the painting down?
Why would you do that?
That's my Larry David.
That's the worst Larry David I've ever heard.
Fuck.
Don't interrupt the show with a shitty pun.
Well, it was a whole bit.
I had the song and everything.
So yeah, those are my ideas for funny jokes.
We really, I've been getting a lot of mail recently and people, not at my behest, on their own, are signing the letters, I like your new sunglasses.
So we gotta make a t-shirt.
I like your new, and just, it says, I like your new, is one line, and then sunglasses has to be big, and then there'll be a picture of sunglasses.
Or maybe the sunglasses and the, And the word sunglasses would be competing?
I don't know.
But folks at home who are not familiar with this story, I won't tell the whole story again, but it's just a story about how annoying junkies are and how they think you don't know they're high and they're trying to blend in with other earthlings like they're not total fucking idiot sloth people.
And my buddy Jesse at the time had a shitty party and his high girlfriend put on sunglasses to hide her shitty eyes.
Bill Brewer eyes.
What's his name?
The guy who always looks stoned?
Jim Brewer.
Jim Brewer eyes.
And he's working on his Hello Kitty coffee maker.
And without looking up, he goes, I like your new sunglasses.
And my wife and I just look at him with the way you would look at a pedophile, like just contempt and disgust.
I think we left.
I think we left after that.
We were that disgusted.
Should we look at some mailbags?
Is it too soon?
Bail mags.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's fucking do it, man.
I got a bunch I haven't... I haven't correctly classified.
Here, why don't you read one while I skim?
Okay.
Oh, here's one.
Dear GOML, I just watched your Apple Scotland commercial and it was fucking hilarious.
Thank you.
However, if you were teaching your boy how to throw in any way...
that resembles how you threw that iPhone, do him a favor and stop immediately.
You're clearly a multi-talented individual, but I'm willing to bet that you could not put a hole in drywall with that noodle you call an arm.
Can't wait for the new show to launch.
So that's a man making fun of my arms and the way I throw.
That hurts.
I almost forgot this.
Yes?
The theme that's supposed to be playing.
Why isn't it fucking playing?
It's frozen.
Why is it frozen?
This happened last time.
And we got a letter about it saying, Ryan is inept.
You need to fire him.
Even the songs for the male didn't play.
Did he not think to load them first?
So your incompetence is affecting our fans.
They hate you as much as me now, Mr. Punkthusiasm.
They can suck my cock.
Whoa!
And swallow my gajiz.
Why did you say gajiz?
This is a new thing with you.
Chillo, it's gajiz.
Why are you making funny words?
Is it a thing where you have a bet with your friend to see if you can give me a nervous breakdown?
I'm incredibly depressed.
What's that got to do with anything?
It's just something to spice up my life.
It doesn't spice up anything.
It's really, really irritating.
Okay?
Please stop.
Please stop making funny words.
What?
You're still trying to figure out shit?
It played.
Oh, so they heard it, but I didn't.
Yes.
Why am I not hearing things?
We could hear it.
Now?
You just can't talk during it.
Okay.
Fuck it.
I give up.
Jeff Droward!
The subject, door word, sorry.
The subject here is much thanks to you and George Brett.
George Brett was a professional ball player.
I think he was on the Royals.
He was on a couple teams.
Very talented player, but he was from the old school.
And when baseball was really great and they did coke and they got in fist fights on the pitch and they banged girls in between innings.
He's from those glory days when the Mets won the World Series in 86, was it?
And if you look up George Brett's shit story, he goes up to two guys and he explains that he shit his pants last night.
And he proceeds to tell a 20 minute story about having food poisoning and water, just fucking water, goes down my pants into my boots.
It's one of the best stories of all time.
The only bad thing about the story is the guys he's talking to seem kind of Annoyed bored not interested if anyone tells you a shit story sit down and listen, please gentlemen and ladies lesbians if you think you're trans and you want to become a man and you cut your tits off and you say I identify as a man you dress like Justin Bieber and you have that weird little
Fade on your head with your sideways baseball hat and your baggy pants with your weird gay guy underwear and your fucking DC puffy shoes and your jewelry and your tank top and your skateboard.
Why do these lesbians, when they become men, they all dress like either Asian nerds or weird skateboard wiggers.
Like they're never a normal guy.
I'm a normal guy.
Anyway, ladies, you should know that becoming a man, we talk about shit and are assholes.
I mean, even this, this podcast is covered in diarrhea.
We talk about it all the time, more than fights, more than sex.
And when we talk about sex, It's not sexual.
Just like when we talk about shit, it's not gross.
When we talk about sex, it's like, how do you feel about cankles?
How do you feel about our Oreolas?
I just heard Keith talking to Anthony talking about, you would have sex with Oprah for the story, obviously, but would you have sex with an 80 year old celebrity for the story like Sophia Loren or Bridget Bardot?
And then you get into, well, could you get it up?
That's how we talk about sex.
How do you feel about areolas while we're on this subject?
And don't say, you mean loli lolas?
I like them, you know those wide ones that look like faded watercolor?
Oh, you like when they're not defined?
No.
Oh.
No.
Is it a deal-breaker for you?
Those ones s-s-suck.
Yeah, sure they do.
They're not as nice, obviously, as a perfect silver dollar, but I don't really care.
Do you care?
No.
Because I know guys where it's a deal-breaker.
Um, that sucks.
I knew a guy who was dating an 8.4, but she had those nipples that never really begin or end.
Yeah, those suck.
They just sort of fade.
Right.
You couldn't even, you couldn't measure her nipple.
Because you couldn't, with a marker, you'd have to just say, let's just say it seems to be ending around here.
You're mapping out territories for a new country?
It's like when they made Israel.
I guess there's a river here that Vayne will follow.
Yeah, let's just, let's call that river.
And it's still going to be a circle.
So I'm just going to go right through here and there's your nipple.
And then even then it's like the size of a baseball.
The areola purchase?
He, he, he was, it was a huge deal breaker for him, but she, she was cool and she was incredibly hot and funny and everything.
And when they, I found out laughter, they broke up cause I was friends with her.
She told me that before they would have sex, she could hear him going to the bathroom and he would barf.
Get the fuck out of here.
Yes.
Because of the areolas?
Yeah, because he was like, here I go into the fucking areola town.
Wow.
Yeah, just dump her, dude.
That's how I would be if I was forced at gunpoint to marry a man.
Right.
And it was like, it's Saturday, it's sex night.
Okay, Kevin, I'm just going to go chug a bottle of booze and puke my guts out and I guess we'll get started.
Why?
Did we talk about that before?
I can't remember if that was on the air or not.
What's with all these gay guys in prison who go, fuck it man, there's no pussy, you know, you're here for 20 years, you gotta fucking do it.
Uh, no thanks.
I can beat off or not have sex.
That's like saying, hey, there's no pizza pies, you gotta eat a piece of shit that's triangle.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I'll just abstain from pizza, thanks.
Same with pedophiles.
Hey, you were born on a planet where that deserves death, so don't do it, or kill yourself.
Anyway, to get back to George Brett, much thanks to you and George Brett.
This is from Jeff Dorward.
I was delivering gasoline tonight, and the sudden and scary urge to shit came upon me.
That's weird that you have those where you can't control it.
I've had those occasionally.
That's how I came up with the band name, Delicate Shit Cramps.
Because you know those where you just go, uh oh, something's going on.
While delivering, you cannot walk away when it's happening.
The delivery had to stop for this shit and was an unstoppable force like the Allied invasion of Normandy.
So he stopped the gasoline delivery halfway through.
Because you're not allowed to let it keep running, obviously.
I ran for the wah-wah.
To our Canadian and Australian British viewers, that's a 7-11 type chain.
Johnny Knoxville has a wah-wah tattoo.
I ran for the wah-wah and preemptively unhooked my suspender clips.
I swung the door open, took notice that someone was in the stall.
My mind and asshole were in cahoots and I immediately shit.
After the bad cleanup, and yeah, it's not an easy thing to clean up, sir, because I assume if it wasn't up to you when it came out, we're not talking about a nice defined log.
We're talking about porridge.
We're talking about chili soup.
And that means it sits there, it'll bleed through your underwear, and it's on your butt cheeks.
Now you have to wash your butt cheeks.
And it's essentially brown paint.
So you're cleaning brown paint off your butt cheeks.
I mean, I think the only solution is to take off your underwear, which you have to be very, it's very tricky to take off your underwear when you shit your pants because it's going by socks.
It's going, it's probably not going by shoes.
Um, but it's, it's like, it's a thing of brown paint there.
So you got to delicately take everything off.
Then, if you're a real ninja, you can use the non-shitted part to clean your butt cheeks a little bit.
And then you put that in the garbage.
I assume there's a garbage there.
If not, put them on the floor and then you can take them in the garbage.
And then what I would do, what I have done, is you fold it up, make a nice little sort of a face cloth with the toilet paper, dip it into the toilet water.
And then use that to wash your butt cheeks, and you just keep flushing and flushing and going through like five handmade face cloths.
I love how I'm giving people tips on something they've all done before.
That's the weird thing about shitting and I don't want to get into this.
Remember I talked about my asshole like 10 episodes ago and I got 900 emails of people younger than me going, yeah, what you gotta do is you gotta start having a lot more starch in your diet and then you need to shower when you blah, blah, blah.
And so many fucking experts.
Yeah, I'm not looking for asshole tips, folks at home.
Okay.
I have Google and I have an asshole.
Don't tell me about poo-poo, please.
And I realize I just did that to you, but I was secretly trying to make you laugh.
I have a technique.
Do you want to poo-poo it?
See?
I'm just thinking if this would work.
So you've never even done this.
You're giving me a tip and you're half my age and it's something you've never even tried.
Well it's not a tip.
I'm not imparting it on you.
I'm telling you this is what I would do.
Is it a bad idea?
I'm asking you for opinion.
What'd you just say?
Opinion.
What are you doing?
I said like a black guy!
You're doing the kooky word thing again.
No!
I said like a black man.
That's banned.
No more kooky words.
Can I talk like a black man?
Yes.
Alright then.
That's an imitation.
That's a totally different thing.
Now hold up.
Now my butt cheeks, they all covered in doo-doo and shit.
So I opened up the toilet, the lid, and the other lid, and I dipped my butt cheeks in there.
I braced myself on the walls and I cleaned.
That's a really good solution if you're three feet tall and your butt fits in the fucking toilet.
What are you, the smallest Asian in the world?
Is that what you 5'5 people do?
I'm black.
Yeah, black people are taller generally than Asians.
That's for babies, dumbass.
You can't get your buttcheeks in the toilet.
Sideways.
Sideways?
No.
Go try it right now.
All right.
If you get any water on your butt cheek, I'll pay you five bucks.
All right.
Alright, so... Jeff Dorward.
I swung the door open.
Get water on your actual butt cheek.
From the toilet.
And you're probably... Yeah, I guess even if you just get the... But you're not doing it!
You're just seeing it's possible.
You have to literally do it.
This is what I was talking about in the other podcast.
Hitting the heavy bag ain't got nothing on sparring.
You have to actually complete the task if you're going to iron out the kinks.
Look at how low the water level is.
So you didn't do it?
It's abnormally low.
Abnormally low.
That's a good name for a band.
My IQ.
You're abnormally low.
Yeah, it is.
For a Japanese guy, you're the stupidest Japanese person I've ever met.
I gave up on Japanese shit a long time ago.
Well, you may want to check the mirror because someone made razor slits in your eye holes.
I swung the door open, took notice that someone was in the stall.
My mind asked, oh yeah, sorry, I already read that part.
After the bad cleanup and feeling horrible about myself, I remember when you played the clip of George Brett and with a shit covered itchy ass, I played it on repeat for the 15 minute drive home.
It made this shitty night so much better.
There's two great George Brett clips on YouTube.
One is him telling the story about pooping his panties and the other, now you got me saying things in a cute way, and the other is him They won against some other team and he saw the umps talking and he said, if this is about my fucking pine tar on my bat, I am going to lose my shit.
And for some dumb reason, you're only allowed to have pine tar up the bat.
To the same height that is the width of home plate.
I don't know if Fred Flintstone came up with this rule in the year five, but it's some dumb rule.
And so the umps get over there and they measure his pine tar and yep, it's wider than home plate.
So they kill the win.
And he loses it and runs out and tries to beat the shit out of the ump.
Which I guess lost him a few games.
That's a real man's sport, baseball.
And I like how even in the suburbs, even politically correct town where everyone votes for Hillary up in Westchester, they say, hey, hey, no crying in baseball.
Like kids get in trouble if they cry in baseball.
That's good.
Boys should be discouraged from crying.
It's not good to cry.
And I've made this clear in the past.
You can only cry at war movies and it can't be an ugly cry, it can just be a tear going down your cheek.
Actually, I think you can only cry at movies or if something horrible has happened to your children.
Or you're watching a movie of a soldier come home and surprise his kids.
Those are man tears.
But you definitely can't cry because something is going wrong with your life.
Fuck that!
And...
I hope this goes without saying, but you cannot cry because you're hurt.
That's the... I don't even understand that.
My wife does that.
She'll stub her toe and then cry.
I'm like, how are you sad?
I don't understand if you were a slave and you're kept in some room like kidnapped and he comes in and burns you with a coat hanger every day you could cry because this isn't gonna get better and I just keep getting these burns.
That I understand.
Cry away.
But you just stubbed your toe.
It's not gonna happen again if you don't want it to.
And why are you always barefoot in the house?
My shoes go on in the morning.
They stay there till bed.
I never take my shoes off because you're always going in and out of the house to go get something.
Now you gotta go find your fucking shoes?
Do you, do you, do you wear your shoes around the house?
Uh, I usually wear my socks around the house.
I mean, I wear my shoes around the house probably 40% most of the time, but socks.
I don't go barefoot.
I don't like to pick up particles.
I hate that too, you step on a crumb.
Ugh.
Or, but with socks you'll step on a, you'll be in the bathroom, someone just had a shower and you step on a I'll flip.
Yeah, I know.
I hate that.
I find Americans don't hate soakers as much as us Canadians do.
A soaker in Canada, that's our holocaust.
It's unspeakable.
I hate my, yeah, when you step in a puddle with a sock, you're like, uh, I'm looking for a shotgun.
Americans don't even, well, your whole day's fucked now.
Shoes take at least 24 hours to dry.
And if you're walking around Ottawa, Canada in the winter and just kaboomk into something you thought was a small puddle and you feel it pour into your boot, not only are you cold, but it hurts and it's uncomfortable for the rest of the day.
Now you've got to walk around the office with one boot on.
And then I talk to Americans and they're like, what are you talking about a soaker?
I go, you know, the thing that ruins your entire day and they go, oh, when your foot gets wet, I don't know what you mean.
It's a weird thing.
Maybe it's like living in a cold place, but even Midwesterners, they have the same weather that we had up in Canada and they don't seem to talk about soakers.
Another thing I've noticed about Americans and Canadians, we're very serious about our marshmallow roasting and Americans will just Throw it on the fire and then burst into flames and they go, oh!
Burst into flames.
It's an art.
Like that's, that's like your steak bursting into flames and you can't eat it anymore.
You ruined it.
That's unwise.
Yeah.
I've always been angry at that too.
Cause it tastes like shit too.
It's like a burnt crust.
Well, they'll take off the carbon, throw that away and then just eat the hot goo.
Like they love cum or something.
What a bunch of fucks.
No, I don't do that.
You put it above the flame so it doesn't catch a flame.
We brown the outside until it looks like Denzel Washington, and then we remove that sheath, sort of like a guy who's had his penis dipped in liquid nitrogen, and then we recook the insides.
That's a true story, by the way.
What?
Oh, no, no, I don't want to hear that.
Good.
Okay.
So, back in the day, in Montreal, there was a lot of fornicating going on.
By the way, I got a letter from some Christian guy saying, all you're talking about premarital sex, it's just disturbing.
Why do you do that?
Let me make something clear.
I do think you won't get a happier couple than two young Catholics who waited till marriage and had sex with each other for the first time and started churning out kids.
That's the ideal scenario.
And that happens in the South, in some parts of the Midwest and Texas.
But in my world, and the people listening to this, we don't have that ideal.
So when I talk about premarital sex, I'm not saying go out there and bang all the chicks you can.
I'm saying, you're out there banging chicks.
It's just our world.
I'm not necessarily advocating it.
Same with all this drug use.
In fact, I was talking to a guy the other day, and he's like 45, and he's finally got a kid.
And I said to him, every time I talk to guys our age with kids, we always say the same thing, which is, why the fuck did I wait so long?
Women say it all the time, too.
You have one, and you go, these are cool, I wanna make two.
Then you have three, and you go, fuck, now I'm out of time, I'm not gonna have five.
Gotta start early, and I don't understand the argument for not having kids at 25.
You started stealing from your parents' liquor cabinet at 14.
That's 11 years of coke and threesomes.
What are you in?
Even Motley Crue got bored of it after a while.
Even like Def Leppard.
Def Leppard, they still tour, but they have wives now.
They're not interested in groupies.
How many chicks do you have to bang?
So anyway, what was I talking about with the sex?
Oh yeah, so there was a lot of fornicating and a lot of STDs.
I'm not a big condom guy.
Condoms are stupid.
Well, what if she can get pregnant?
Your condom's gonna rip.
Just don't cum in women, ever, if you don't want them to get pregnant.
Oh, I gotta cum in someone.
What?
That's Chris Cotton, the comedian.
He said that to me once.
He goes, I can't not cum in something.
Yes, you can.
I said to him, do you poo your pants, too?
Like, yes, it feels good, but there's consequences.
Don't wet yourself.
Says the guy who wets the bed on a regular basis.
And if there's venereal warts, the condom doesn't go all the way down.
It rides up a little bit and her pussy lips are going to touch the base of your dick.
You're going to get venereal warts down there.
So it doesn't really prevent anything.
The only way you're safe pregnancy-wise is if right before you jizz, you pull it out and feel it and make sure it didn't tear.
And you already pulled out, might as well just not go in there.
And plus you can make an art of it.
Do a painting.
Pearl necklaces.
There's a wide myriad of possibilities.
Anyway.
Puss-a-bullets.
I'm Mae West.
Mae West talking about jizzing.
Puss-a-bullets.
Hey, big boy.
Why don't you peel me a grape?
Why don't you jizz all over my back, big boy?
Mae West?
I looked her up.
Yeah, you know who that is?
Why don't you come up and see me sometime?
She was a sex symbol in the 30s, I think it was.
And she was a fucking pig.
As a kid, my mom would make Mae West jokes and stuff.
I guess because that's what she saw on the TV when she was a kid.
And I would do that imitation when I was like five.
But I looked her up recently.
And when you're a kid, you don't notice who's pretty or not.
You just go, she's a lady.
But she's hideous!
Look up Mae West, there she is.
She is a solid four.
By the way folks, and I'll get back to the Veneer Awards in a second, I don't like when people say one.
Oh yeah, she's a total one.
You have to have room at the bottom and the top.
I don't want to hear you call any woman a 10.
I called this hot woman in a bar an 8.6 the other night and she was super bummed.
I go, that's only one away basically from 10.
You think you're a 10?
And then the guy next to me goes, she's an 11.
All right, fine.
Let's fucking lie to her like she's six years old and tell her that she's a super girl too.
If you want to know what a one looks like, check out the founder of the Me Too movement.
I think her name is Tyrannosaurus?
No, her name is Tyranna.
Yeah.
Right?
What's her full name again?
Tyranna... Why aren't you feverishly looking stuff up?
What are you doing?
You're just looking at a picture of Mae West to Runenberg.
You're at work.
Her quotes.
She's such a dirty whore.
Like what'd she say?
She's the one who came up with it.
Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
It's like shut up.
That's just another one.
That's a witty joke that has been made billions of times.
Billions, yeah.
So don't shut up.
I'm telling you.
You're mocking a really good line, and you say curb your punkthusiasm.
I'm not, I'm not Mae West, okay?
You're no Mae West, my friend.
When I'm good, I'm very, very good.
But when I'm bad, I'm better.
I think she was married to Al Capone.
Maybe I should watch my mouth.
Al Capone's great-grandson kills you for insulting his great-grandmother.
He's like another Rivera fucking with me.
By the way, Al, you're the top mobster in the world at a time when organized crime dominated everything, including politics, including the president.
JFK is dad.
Was a booze runner during Prohibition.
That's where he made all his money.
The Kennedys are rich off of gun running and booze running.
Actually, I just threw in gun running because I like that word.
But that's probably true.
But it's definitely true that it was booze running up from Canada, getting all the whiskey sent down.
So Al, you can do better than Mae West.
She's hideous.
I would fuck, if I fucked Mae West, I would consider myself a really nice, sweet guy.
Like I would look in the mirror the next day and go, that was really good of you, Gav.
To give her a shot at feeling like a human being for once.
Now, Tarana Burke, on the other hand, is... I don't think I could do that for any money.
She looks like she's in the Star Wars bar.
Her head, first of all, is three times the normal size of a head.
Her nose fits like it's like a Russian doll.
You could fit like five noses inside there, progressively smaller.
Oh!
She looks like a potato.
Who was the actor you said she looks like?
Ving Rhames?
No, it's the other one.
No, it was Ving Rhames.
No, there was another guy.
Marcellus?
Marcellus Wallace is Ving Rhames.
Marcellus Wallace is the character Ving Rhames plays in Pulp Fiction.
And it looks just like her.
We were joking yesterday because this woman's a black woman.
By the way, the reason she started Me Too, this is her horrible rape story.
When she was seven, she was roughhousing with some boys who were ten at someone's house.
And while they were play fighting, they ripped her shirt and one of her boobs came out.
And then she went to her mother crying and her mother said, what are you doing playing with boys in the first place?
You shouldn't be roughhousing with boys.
Those boys ran home crying too.
But I'm sorry Tyrannosaurus Rex, that's not really rape.
I don't know if you deserve to be the leader of the women are abused movement.
You were in an unfortunate situation when you're a kid and your mother lacked sympathy.
Not exactly gang rape town.
I think there's a few women out there that would be annoyed you were trivializing their experience.
Because Alyssa Milano thought she started Me Too.
And then Tarana Burke, who, by the way, KRS-One comes up when you Google image Tarana Burke.
Tarana couldn't pay somebody to look at her tit these days.
That's the sad part.
Yes, enough, Ryan.
But Alyssa Milano must... Because all the liberals are like, they see her and they go, yes, I know, it's terrible that us hot chicks keep getting our asses grabbed.
And then Toronto's sort of sitting next to him going, I know, it's terrible, isn't it, ladies?
And you can tell that secretly in their brains they're going, what the fuck is this bitch doing here?
Because women are cruel.
And they're very shallow for the most part.
Yes, you heard me.
Women tend to be more shallow than men.
Perfect example.
Take a 10-year-old boy with a brutal cleft palate and a 10-year-old girl with a brutal cleft palate.
Throw them into schools and check in on them in two months and see who has friends.
I guarantee you the boy with the cleft palate will be playing baseball at lunch and having inside jokes with his buddies and the girl with the cleft palate will have one really fat friend and they sit alone in the cafeteria and eat lunch.
Wow.
Sorry girls, that's the truth.
Anyway, so a lot of STDs, yeah, yeah, so the joke was, I don't know if I want to redo it, but we were just talking about Alyssa Milano listening to Tarana get up on stage and talk about how horrible it is to be molested and how she's not invited to any movie roles, obviously because people are scared she's going to me-too them and prosecute them.
Like Alyssa Milano can talk about being a sex object.
Tyrannosaurus cannot.
I don't know why they don't want to hire me.
They're afraid I'm gonna speak out.
Nope.
That's even close.
And you weren't raped, you fucking scam artist.
She's another Shawn King.
Anyway, we got a lot of STDs.
And they're no problem.
I never got a girl pregnant that I didn't want to.
And I got gonorrhea, which is just five pills, boom, it's gone.
I got herpes, which just breaks out like once.
It sucks when you first get it because there's a breakout every couple months.
But the breakouts keep doubling in time span.
So you have it one month, then it's two months.
Then it's four months the next one.
Before long you have a breakout, an outbreak every like five or six years.
Big fucking deal.
And by the way, everyone has herpes.
No.
Everyone.
No.
You don't have herpes?
No!
You never had a cold sore?
I've heard that whole thing.
That's to make people like you feel better.
People with herpes.
You have herpes, my friend.
Oral and genitalia are the same.
Doo-doo 69ing.
Doo-doo.
That's all I think of.
Wait, wait.
But what does it look like?
Does it itch?
Does it look bad?
Does it bleed?
It's like a zit that is infected.
I haven't had one on my dick since I don't know when.
Well, remind me not to touch your dick.
Yeah, next time you go down there, I'll just go, oh shit, that reminds me, you're not supposed to go down there.
Oh, thank gosh.
Oh, phew.
Then you take it out of your mouth.
Thank God.
Yeah, that's the argument I always use, by the way, that shows you're born gay.
Uh, here's me sucking my first dick.
Okay.
Uh, Sorry, hold on, hold on.
Okay, you got it?
Yeah.
Here's me sucking my millionth dick.
Okay, sorry, sorry, hold on, hold on.
Okay, okay, here we go, here we go.
And that's not even an approach.
It's just an approach.
It's not an acquired taste.
If you think being gay is something that's learned, go give it a spin.
Go try it out and get back to me.
Now, I'm sure there's women that have been molested so severely by some creepy uncle that dicks give them nightmares and they just figure, I guess I can horse around with a chick.
Sure, maybe.
A percentage.
But you're born gay, and as Margaret Cho says, if you think gay is something you can learn, then you're gay.
If you think it's like heroin and you'll do it a bunch of times and get addicted, then you think it's really, really good.
Even if you're a straight man, you don't fuck grannies because they're women.
Like, you have boundaries within your straightness.
You're gonna step outside of that.
Go to that.
Although, of course, there's the million dollar question.
Would you rather fuck that butch, dyke, weirdo who cut off her tits and has a beard and looks exactly like a tough man, biff naked or something like that, but has a vagina, or a tranny like Blair White, who is a very attractive woman, but has a dinker doodle?
Blair Tranny?
I know who you're talking about.
Blair something.
Blair White, isn't it?
No.
Oh wait, there's that one.
No, Bailey J was the one that they were talking about.
You're right, right.
I changed it up.
Oh, okay.
I'm not... That's the only tranny I know.
You don't know Blair White?
I had her on my show a million times.
She's conservative.
Oh, I do remember her now.
You may want to check out my show at some point if you're going to be engineering.
I don't remember your guests' names.
Okay.
Anyway, just answer the fucking question.
Uh, I'd rather...
Step that one out and... It's not an option.
I have your grandmother at gunpoint.
So a woman that looks like a man or a man that looks just like a woman?
Yeah.
The one that looks like a woman.
What would you pick?
You would pick the guy?
I'd pick the guy.
You'd pick the chick that looks like a guy?
Yeah.
The chick that looks like a guy?
Yep.
Huh.
Because... So I'm fucking this chick with no tits and a beard and tattoos and big muscles, right?
But now I go to bed at night as the man who's fucked the ugliest woman in the world.
Okay, can I change my answer?
I'd rather be that than the guy who fucked the prettiest man in the world.
Cause I've still only fucked women.
You fucked a dude.
But you just did it for aesthetic.
You did it for... You're a fag.
No, you just did it for your aesthetic.
No, I did it for how I would feel for the rest of my life.
Oh.
And I would have a good story too.
Like they go, oh, I fucked this really ugly fat chick.
And I go, yeah, uh, put down your beer, my friend.
I've fucked a woman way uglier than you could ever imagine.
Oh.
Does that make him, her, it a one?
Wait a minute.
Blaire White looks like an attractive woman, but she's not.
She's a very pretty, pretty man.
In other words, I think she's a one.
He's a one.
On the female scale or the male scale?
You're on the male scale.
You're a man.
But you're a one as far as a man.
Well, you can't be anything as far as a woman.
You're not a woman.
Oh, yeah.
So that guy with the cunt is a one and Blair is a one.
Sorry, sweetie.
I like her.
She's a cool per- he's a cool per- whatever.
Anyway, I've got to get this Vanilla Wart story out.
So, um, they're all just pills and they're all no problem.
Don't worry about it, folks.
Don't use condoms.
But, uh, Well, what if I'm a girl?
The condom's gonna break.
He might lie.
So don't have sex with someone where you think they're gonna cum in you.
You're having sex with someone who's retarded.
And that's not gonna bode well.
I never really understood that, guys who jizz in girls.
How stupid are you?
Do you also just breeze through red lights because it feels good and you want to get home early?
I don't get it.
Anyway.
So what they would do with venereal warts, which were rampant in Montreal in the early 90s, is they had this little can.
It looked like that thing that you clean your keyboard with, but it would... It would just spray out a microbe, a microscopic amount of liquid nitrogen.
And it hurt like a pinprick.
It wasn't that bad.
Oh, by the way, here's another good STD tip.
If you just go in there and go, I think I might have gonorrhea, uh, they take a wood Q-tip, put it down your urethra, turn it and pull it out.
Dude, it feels like someone's removing your eyeball.
It is so fucking painful that you panic.
Like you start screaming.
So what you do is you go in there and you go, hi, I had sex with a virgin and she has gonorrhea.
Ergo, I'm 100% positive I have gonorrhea.
So they give you the antibiotics.
Now, if you don't have gonorrhea and you take those antibiotics, you know what happens?
Nothing.
So why bother?
So, and same with chlamydia.
Just say you have it.
So those are the main ones you're going to get.
Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and then venereal warts.
They suck.
That's the liquid nitrogen.
Although, I just remembered that it's called the human papillomavirus and they have a cure now.
You can take these pills in advance and then you're immune to them.
So I guess this whole point is moot.
Same with Hep C, by the way.
I'm immune to Hep C. Did I ever tell you that story?
No.
That's a good story too.
Was it the bleeding skull thing?
Bleeding head?
A homeless person?
No.
Okay.
So he sprained my venereal warts and I'm embarrassed to say that it was getting, I was getting to know him, I was there so regularly.
It was at a clinic called Clinique Alternative.
I don't know what was alternative about it but it was in the gay village and occasionally you'd go in there and there'd be a guy bawling his eyes out, I guess because he had fucking AIDS.
So it had a pallor about it, like a funeral home.
But anyway, I go in there and I go, I guess this is pretty bad, eh?
And he goes, no, I've seen much worse.
He said, it's really a serious epidemic.
He said, I used to go through one of these cans like once a year.
Now I go through one of them maybe every few days.
Like he would buy a six pack of liquid nitrogen and just be blasting dicks and buttholes.
The gays were obviously way worse than us, and this one guy had so many venereal warts, it was like he had a bag of popcorn stuck up his ass.
Like, the venereal warts, they were, he had venereal warts on his venereal warts, so it looked like, it honestly looked like a thousand mini cauliflowers were in his butthole.
Oh my god.
So he said, I had to give him a colostomy bag, and just blast his ass to smithereens so he couldn't use it.
That wasn't his exact verbiage.
And then he told me about another guy whose entire penis was a hundred percent covered in venereal warts.
Just not visible to the human eye.
Guess what you do to that guy?
What?
Well, if you have a marshmallow that you could burn, I could show you.
Ah, dude.
This is the same doctor.
He told me this.
He didn't use the spray gun.
He had liquid nitrogen in like a cup, right?
Steel cup, because it'll freeze plastic and it will shatter.
And then he dipped the guy's penis in the cup.
100% froze his cock.
Like a burnt marshmallow.
And then, dude, removed the sheath. - So all that remains was Freddy Krueger's face.
Just like flesh.
Just raw skin.
What's wrong with you?
What do you mean?
Why would you say that?
That's not even... I'm telling you medical facts.
I could say this on primetime television.
I could say this on CBS News.
Right?
If my dick was 100% covered in venereal warts, my wall would be 100% covered with my brain matter.
Well, fuck you.
It's only an uncomfortable month.
Oh, bro.
I'm out of this world.
Adults get circumcised.
That's apparently unspeakable pain.
Blah.
That makes me shiver way more than having your burnt marshmallow removed.
My friend had a circumcision when he was about 18.
And it was a big deal.
And he was very humble about it.
Stupid move.
Very sad.
That's dumb doctors.
That's Muslim doctors, Jewish doctors, American Christian doctors.
They all have grown up thinking it has to be done.
British doctors would never do that.
I had a Muslim doctor tell me I had to be circumcised when I tore my frenulum.
And I just said, no!
In fact, if you look up Anal Chinook on YouTube, you can see us singing a song about it called, No, Don't Take My Foreskin, where we wrote a song about the whole ordeal where I just exercised and exercised and stretched it in the bath.
Stretched it in the bath.
You can fix it.
It's just skin.
But these doctors that have grown up in the culture of circumcision just go, no, cut it off.
It has to go.
It's stupid anyway.
It's like an appendix.
No, it's not.
It's a crucial part of your penis.
Sex is designed for a foreskin, by the way.
Why are you taking calls during a podcast?
Why are you getting up?
It's not gonna come up on the mics.
The beauty of a foreskin, design-wise, is you put the foreskin forward, touch it at the gate of the vagina, and then just push, the foreskin recedes and the penis is in.
You don't need lube or anything.
It's a smart design!
And you have more nerve endings on the head of your penis.
Because it's not smashing into an underwear all day.
Into a underwear.
I heard that.
Alright, we're out of time.
Didn't do a lot of letters.
I have to briefly tell you this story about being immune to Hep C. I probably was never going to have a problem with Hep C, but I knew so many junkies that... I knew so many junkies that what?
Oh junkies get hep C all the time from sharing needles and it's curable too now!
Fuck I'm old.
I've been telling stories about venereal warts and hep C and they're both curable now.
Now the problem with Hep C is it costs $80,000, the cure.
And it's these pills that are basically chemotherapy pills.
And they just kill the Hep C. Isn't that fucking incredible?
Can we get a shout out please?
I'm so busy, every time I check the news they're talking about some woman scientist or some female mathematician who sort of helped on some project and she's the face of it.
Like that picture of the black hole.
There was one chick sort of involved and it became that movie Hidden Figures all over again.
We had to talk about this.
Women are rocking it!
Women and science, yeah!
How about the guy who cured Hep C?
Why isn't he on a fucking t-shirt?
Or Norman Borlaug, who saved a billion lives with genetically modified corn?
No, we gotta put Che Guevara on a shirt?
Che Guevara shot fags in the head.
He put them on their knees and shot them because he hated gays.
He hated black people, thought they were inferior.
He murdered 3,000 people.
Personally.
At gunpoint.
And he loved it.
It was one of his favorite things.
Lining up people and shooting them in the back of the head.
Because he never had a childhood because he had asthma.
So that was his childhood.
Murdering homosexuals.
And you have them on your fucking t-shirt.
Fuck you!
But anyway.
So I, for some reason, I just thought, well, it's a deadly disease.
It really sucks.
A bunch of my friends are getting it.
I should probably get cured.
So I called up the clinic.
This is free healthcare in Montreal.
And I said, Hey, I'm, uh, I want to get that hep C cure.
And they go, okay.
Um, how old are you?
And they go, I'm 25.
And they say, yeah, it's actually for 23 and under.
They were trying to curb it cause it probably cost them money.
Right?
Like remember when everyone thought they had AIDS in the eighties, you'd go to your doctor and you're, you know, a middle-class white suburban kid who's never seen a gay or, or a heroin needle and you want an AIDS test and they probably cost the state like 3000 bucks.
So eventually doctors were saying, yeah, uh, you don't have AIDS and trying to discourage you from checking.
Right?
So, I was checking, uh, uh, wait, what am I talking about?
You just distract me by doing other work.
Um, the Hep C thing.
So I called them up and they said, no.
So then I did a trick.
I've talked about this before.
If you want to get on a flight and sit next to your friend and they, they're sitting, seating you in different seats, act severely handicapped and they'll put you together with your friend cause they don't want you to bother someone else.
Uh, there was a health plan called New York health and it was for entrepreneurs and it was 12,000 bucks a year for a whole family.
And, uh, I just left vice.
So I had no healthcare and I, The name Gavin McInnes isn't necessarily white.
Gavin is a weird name to a lot of people, especially Puerto Ricans who's on the phone at the New York Health Clinic.
So I would call up and speak in Ebonics and say, hello, basically what I'm trying to do, if you will, is obtain New York Health at this time.
And I went through, no problem, sir.
Filling out forms for me.
Zoom.
So those are both pretty unethical, but this one I don't really feel bad about.
So I called the clinic back a few hours later and I said, Hi, I'm calling like I have, I want to get the Hep C thing.
Uh, yes.
Can you come in now?
Okay.
How old are you?
25.
Yeah, no problem.
No, wait, I'm making them gay.
No problem.
Come on in.
Come on in.
So I would go to the clinic and I was dressed a little gayer than usual, had a white windbreaker on.
And I go, hi, I'm here for like the shots or whatever.
I was a really annoying homosexual.
Dude, I didn't have to wait in line at all.
There's all these people waiting, sitting in chairs.
They whisk me to the front of the line.
I get the shot within 30 seconds.
And the way it goes is you sit, you get two shots that are like a week from each other.
Then you wait six months and then you get the third one.
Something like that, right?
It's a few quick ones and then a break.
So for every single time I go to get the shot, I'm whisked to the front line because I'm a gay.
And then on the last one, I sit down and they go, okay, you're done now.
You're immune.
You can never get hep C. You could drink a fucking bucket of hep C and you'd be cool.
And then this is the weird part.
They sat me down in another room and they showed me a VHS tape.
This is 1995 about eating ass.
And how dangerous it is and how shit play is really bad and can lead to a lot of diseases like Hep C. So I had to sit down and watch a 20 minute infomercial about men's butts.
And I couldn't say, yeah, I had kind of assumed this was true.
I don't really need to watch this.
Thanks very much.
Um, lucky you.
Yeah, that ending was, I got to work on the ending of that story.
It kind of peters out.
Peter.
Uh, well it's, but it's, it actually is kind of informative because you can, a lot of guys will eat a woman's ass, especially a 25 year old guy living in Montreal.
Right.
And I'm, but women don't shit.
Hmm.
I hate to break it to you, but I've heard rumors that fat girls shit.
Ugly girls shit.
Ugly nerd shit.
Lesbians shit.
Real women don't shit.
That's where bubblegum comes from.
They have a piece of bubblegum that comes out once a month.
There's an Archie comic wrapped around it.
You'll notice, you'll see guys with jackets on going to various homes in the suburbs with a large bucket and they'll have the Double Bubble or Bubble Yum logo on their jackets.
That's a factory worker picking up, you know, a year's supply.
Hmm.
Yeah, you know when you watch baseball games and you see those big buckets of gum behind them in the in the dugout?
Yes.
That's from women's bathrooms.
Yeah.
And they shred it or it comes out like that?
It comes out in a perfect cube.
And they have to shred it up for Big League Chew?
For Big League Chew they'll shred it up but usually they just keep it as they get it.
Wrap it up in wax paper and put it in a bag.
In a comic book?
A little comic?
That, they would use a steamroller, and they would steamroll entire mountains of it, and then cut it into little rectangles.
Oh yeah, I saw that episode of How It's Made.
The weirdest thing about that is, big gum eaters will still go to the gum store even if they're married to a woman.
Like, my wife has never given me any of her bubble gum.
Yeah, that is a shame.
I think it's maybe...
I think you're not supposed to have a friend or a lover or someone close to use bubblegum.
Yeah, they owe it to the state.
It's like inbreeding.
You have to get it to the state first and then they... Yeah, that's why women pay less tax.
Because they've already paid their bubblegum tax.
Right.
From their bum bums.
Yes.
Bumblegum tax.
That's not as bad as punk enthusiasm.
That one I felt good about.
Yeah.
All right.
That's it.
Oh, fuck.
I almost forgot our sponsor.
Holy shit.
Who has been very good to us.
And I am almost back at zero.
I lost some money on, uh, on the Mets, but they've been playing pretty well.
So, uh, now I'm doing well.
Sorry.
I was digging up the doohickey.
Um, So I don't use my sports knowledge when I bet.
I just bet.
And it turns out, peachy keen.
But, no, I just bet, sorry, that wasn't a very good read.
I just bet on the Mets because they're my team and I take the loss because I'm a very loyal dude.
I would never bet against my team no matter what the odds were.
But you shouldn't bet like that.
You should use your sports knowledge to make some extra cash this week.
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Use code GAVIN and please put money in when you register.
Even just 25 bucks.
That's how this whole thing works.
We don't get no moolah.
Oh, now I'm using these fucking annoying words.
By the way, one thing I didn't mention about my grandfather, Johnny McGinnis.
Is when he was a bookie and he would take bets, he would adjust the odds in his head depending on how many people were betting.
So he was constantly tabulating the statistics of the payout as he was getting paid bets, right?
If a thousand people bet on one guy, then it's not going to be as valuable.
And so he was keeping that in mind and changing it perfectly accurately the entire time.
It's very complex mathematics.
My dad was a mathematician.
My dad went to, got a scholarship, but he was poor.
But you realize that back before people were allowed to go to college, you had a lot of geniuses in the working class.
Now, today we have the opposite problem where everyone is in college, including the dummies, and we have no working class left.
That's the opposite problem.
5% of people should go to college.
And being smart is not great.
It's this whole, like, you need to be educated.
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
You should know how to read.
I think that comes from the old days where you'd get a contract, and it would be bad for you, and you wouldn't know because you can't read.
Okay, that was a little while ago.
That's a good hundred years ago.
Now everyone can read.
Don't go to college.
It's a total waste of fucking money, unless you're going there for chemistry or something.
And I'll tell you what, even then I have a funny feeling, even in biochemistry, I bet that you'd be better off just being an intern at a lab and learning through there.
I bet you'd get way more information.
I mean, isn't the school's chemistry equipment going to be way less current than a successful biochem lab that is curing cancer today?
Isn't the free market enabling them to get stuff way faster than some stupid school?
Sorry guys, I got pissed off there.
Go to betdsi.com.
Thank you for tuning in.
And don't forget to go to defendgavin.com and throw some dough in the pot there.
We are at 97%, I believe.
Let me just double check that.
97% of the way to completely paying for fucking this lawsuit.
No, 96%.
240 grand.
We are 10 grand away from raising a quarter of a million dollars to destroy the SPLC and the SPLC is already falling through our fingers like sand.
No more president.
No more founder.
No more head of legal.
Then they get Tina Tchen in there, Michelle Obama's old chief of staff.
She'll redeem us.
She'll save our brand.
Nope.
Turns out Tina Tchen is the one who told Kim Fox to drop all the Jussie Smollett charges.
Because Michelle Obama likes empire.
So Michelle tells Tina to call Kim.
You notice seeing women in the workforce not really working out?
Great, is it?
And Kim, after recusing herself, says, yeah, we're gonna let Jussie go free.
So now Tina Tchen's name is mud because they want all those texts to get subpoenaed.
So even when the SPLC tries to get politically correct and save the day by hiring a female minority, they fuck themselves.
I'm really enjoying them watching them die.
I just wish I could get a little more credit.
I wish they'd curse me out more.
Not that I can get on Twitter and check, but...
I want SPLC ending because of that jerk Gavin McInnes who they fucked with a bunch of times and then he smoked them like a nuclear bomb.
Alright, bye.
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