Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - #133 | My friend almost died this weekend on his motorcycle

April 22, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:41:01

#133 | My friend almost died this weekend on his motorcycle

Wherein we discuss motorcycle problems and several near death experiences on the highway. We also tear through the news and confront the media’s blind spot when it comes to the war on Christianity. Turns out the victims in Sri Lanka were more than just “Easter worshippers.” Boxing and stealing stories also comes up and then we settle into the mail bag for a good bout of Ryan bashing.

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	My friend almost died this weekend on his motorcycle.
	We're tooling around the Cross County Parkway, whatever it's called, and I'm on my fucking awesome Triumph Bonneville that I just paid $500 getting totally revamped.
	And it runs like an electric car.
	It's just it just purrs.
	I actually don't like going very fast on it.
	That's the thing about being 48.
	You're kind of a pussy.
	So more than 65 miles an hour, and I start to poop my panties.
	I've noticed it with heights, too.
	I never gave a shit about heights.
	But now if I'm, like we went to this water park in Orlando and we were really high up, like the top of a building high up, and I could see down to the cement way the fuck down there.
	I could see for miles and miles.
	And I was kind of sketched out.
	And then my son, there was sort of a long, like eight foot diameter pipe that was sort of 40 feet from us, just sitting there in the middle, like a big, big, tall pipe that just ended.
	I don't know.
	Maybe they're building more on it or something.
	It was very incongruous looking, just sort of this big cylinder.
	But it was maybe, you know, 15 stories high.
	And then my son goes, how much would you have to be paid to stay on that top of that thing for 24 hours?
	And I got like shakes, like, because you'd probably fall asleep.
	And then if you fell asleep, you might roll over.
	I never was scared of heights before.
	I guess as you get weaker, you get more, your body naturally evolves to make you more of a pussy.
	Maybe that's why I'm such a shitty boxer.
	Because my body's going, what are you doing, old man?
	You're going to die in there.
	Is it a kid thing, too?
	Like your body does like the self-preservation.
	Yeah, kids are pussies, too.
	No.
	I mean, after you have kids, you become, you have to.
	Yeah, that's definitely a factor.
	I know.
	Kids are pussies.
	The example I always give is I could, when there was a fight in a bar in my single days, I would grab my phone immediately and start filming it.
	And I got some pretty good footage of some pretty good fights in Williamsburg, Puerto Rican kids.
	The north side and the south side of Williamsburg have a beef that the hipsters don't know about or aren't part of.
	This myth that New York is a melting pot is a fucking lie.
	There's just different planes.
	And there is a Puerto Rican dimension in New York that doesn't correlate to anyone else.
	And in Williamsburg, there's the hipsters and they have their little bars and where they go.
	And then there's the Puerto Ricans who don't know any hipsters or vice versa.
	And they have like South 5th, South Sixth.
	Actually, there's Dominicans now in South 5th, but the South Side is the Puerto Ricans.
	And then there's the Northside Puerto Ricans who are, you know, North First, North Second.
	And when there's a boxing match, they all scream like, Northside!
	Southside!
	And then you have the Orthodox Jews, sorry, the Hasidic Jews who are very far south.
	They're on the other side of the BQE.
	And that's obviously a whole other, totally different world.
	There's no holding hands.
	There's no Puerto Ricans holding hands with Hasids, holding hands with hipsters.
	In fact, they tend to war.
	The Hasids didn't like the hipster girls because they were dressing too lasciviously.
	And they were in little short shorts.
	And that goes against, you know, their religion.
	And the Hasidic men were having problems with their ogling, which the feminists didn't like.
	But it was weird because it's Jews, so you don't look very cool hating them.
	So these hipsters were like, fuck these goddamn jerks, conservatives.
	Canadians.
	Canadians.
	So they had a protest, a nude bike protest, where they rode their bicycles through the Hasidic part of town naked, which is weird because that's cool if you're going against the government and the government had some rule about Puritanism and said women have to have long dresses.
	But when it's a religion that has their little area where they're keeping to themselves, it's kind of a shitty thing to do.
	Like, I don't think that women in burqas should be working at the DMV and all that, or they should be able to wear their religious coverings in a passport photo.
	So I don't like that.
	But I don't mind if Sikhs wear turbans when they work at the airport.
	It's a fine line.
	You know, you can assimilate.
	Sikhs assimilate.
	Muslims don't really, especially the sort of radical ones obviously don't assimilate very well.
	And Hasidic Jews, well, they don't assimilate at all, really, but I don't know.
	They're not like dying to work at the DMV.
	I don't even think they can be cops.
	I remember there was a Hasidic cop in the NYPD and I went, this is breaking some rules in the Hasidic culture somewheres.
	So to go find Hasidic Jews in their neighborhood and ride around your bike naked, that doesn't seem like you're encouraging assimilation to me.
	It seems like you're being a dick.
	You're not fighting authority.
	You're just being a cock, a naked lady cock.
	Speaking of which, the news is talking about this attack in Sri Lanka, and they're just talking about it like it was just a terror.
	It's just a crazy group of radicals that blew up some people.
	You sort of have to peel a layer of the onion back to go, oh, wait, this was Easter?
	Oh, it was Catholics.
	Oh, it was Muslims targeting Catholics.
	Okay, and how many?
	200 killed?
	130 to 200 still dying now?
	Okay.
	So it was Muslims again.
	Got it.
	That should be everywhere.
	That should be treated like the Christchurch shooting, like the synagogue shooting.
	This was an attack against a persecuted group.
	Yes, Christians are persecuted, especially when you leave America.
	They're not doing great in America.
	I mean, priests are getting criminally charged for not having gay Weddings, not doing gay weddings.
	So they've basically made Catholicism illegal.
	But that's the best it gets.
	You know, you go to northern Iraq and they're just shooting people in churches, they're blowing up churches, they're crucifying children, Coptic Christians in Egypt.
	But yeah, it's not cool.
	It's not cool to be worried about Christians, so they just kind of drop it.
	Well, they're Easter worshipers.
	That was the weirdest thing.
	Did you see that?
	Yeah.
	About 50 globalists and big-time politicians use that same term Easter worshipers.
	Barack Obama was using it.
	What the fuck is an Easter worshiper?
	You worship chocolate bunnies?
	A peep fanatic?
	You mean Christians?
	Yeah.
	You mean Catholics?
	Hi, I'm an Easter worshiper.
	I don't really go for the other stuff.
	To me, it's very important the day that Jesus came back when he pushed that rock out.
	But that's the only time I'm Christian.
	I'm just solely an Easter worshiper.
	Yeah, those Easter worshipers were killed by the prayer five times a dayers.
	They're beat their womaners.
	A group of beat their womaners.
	Every time I see an attack now, I'm just like, last name, please.
	And if it's Jackson, I go, boring.
	But when it's Muhammad, I go, interesting.
	And then you say, oh, I get it, Kevin.
	You only like it when it's your bad guys.
	No.
	One is indicative of a pattern.
	And you keep hiding this pattern.
	Like the Beltway sniper.
	Remember that guy?
	Oh, it was some random black dude and his nephew.
	And they were just shooting people.
	No, they were Muslims shooting infidels.
	Or those two cops who were killed, the Asian guy and the Hispanic guy, the NYPD.
	And I always forget their goddamn names, which is not cool on my part.
	What the hell were their names?
	Looking at that.
	That Chinese guy just had a baby.
	Oh, frick.
	They froze his sperm.
	Really?
	Yeah.
	Oh, my gosh.
	That black guy, Black Lives Matter, he said he was going to make pigs fly.
	Yes, that's all true.
	He was also a radical Muslim.
	Black Muslim, yes.
	Why do you keep leaving that out of the story?
	Oh, a woman was beheaded in Oklahoma.
	It's workplace violence.
	Not when it's a Muslim.
	Not when he has on his Facebook page, Smite Ye Above Their Necks and a huge fucking sword.
	Officer Wen Jian Lu and Officer Raphael Ramos.
	Ah.
	What do you feel when you see a Chinese man?
	Like, is that the end of the sentence?
	Yes.
	As a half-Japanese man, when you see, because when a stranger sees that guy and you, they go, oh, Chingx.
	I see, I feel less than nothing when I see most Asian people.
	Even the ones that are Americanized that speak perfectly fine, they're like, hey, my name's Ray.
	Or, hey, my name's James.
	They're just, they bore me.
	You don't like Asians?
	They don't do anything for me.
	They're nor here nor there.
	They're just a bore.
	Did you, and you don't find Asian women attractive?
	No, I don't.
	None.
	Maybe there would be an exception like back in the day, but I've come to a point where I've got no room for that shit.
	Their skin feels like porcelain.
	That's cool.
	They never have bad...
	They always have square.
	Their shoulders are the same length, you know, distance apart as their feet and their waist.
	They're just a square peg.
	Koreans can have a chubby ass.
	I mean, good for them.
	What about Pilipinas?
	Pilipinas can have They're just, they make me yawn.
	The whole race.
	The whole race makes me yawn.
	It's so weird that I look this way because I don't, I feel 0% it.
	But I guess I can get away with saying this, right?
	Well, your dad did leave before you were born.
	So you weren't exactly drowning in Japanese influence.
	Right.
	It's true.
	So, yeah, I've got to catch up on some stuff.
	I made pennies betting on Terrence Crawford.
	I'm kind of new to betting.
	Oh, that fight happened there, huh?
	Yeah.
	Guess what I did?
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	So Bet DSY offers betting options for everything, but I'm fighting NBA, March Madness, NFL, NHL, NCAA football, and all other major sports, politics, reality TV, esports, virtually everything.
	I've been betting on the Mets, and they had a shitty week.
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	And we got a bunch of home runs, but no one was on base.
	And DeGrom, possibly the greatest pitcher of all time, gets a contract and he starts throwing like me.
	Jacob DeGrom and I are peers now.
	He throws.
	He'll be two feet out of the strike zone.
	It's embarrassing.
	And this is the same thing with the Mets every year.
	But I'm committed to always betting for them, never against them.
	So that has not made me any money.
	I bet on Terrence Crawford against Amir Khan, but the odds were so stacked against him, I only made $20.
	I mean, stacked against Khan.
	Bless you.
	It was a very safe bet.
	But I got to say, one of the shittiest boxing experiences of my life.
	I'm spoiled for two reasons.
	One, Joe Rogan used to get me tickets sometimes.
	So I'm just, I'm used to being on the floor.
	And even when I paid, I feel like I was paying maybe $150 at Barkley's, and I feel like I was right on the main floor there.
	And that's without any favors.
	But these tickets I got through the boxer himself, and they were nosebleeds.
	Like you kind of kid yourself too.
	I always get too optimistic about seats.
	And because I'm spoiled, right?
	And you're just looking at the ticket and it says 232 and you just keep going up and up and up.
	And the people that are with you at the bottom have fur coats and suits on.
	And then as you keep calling up the stairs, the clothes get worse and worse until you're just with the sweatpants people.
	And that's when you know that it's just two little tiny ants fighting way the fuck down there.
	I was so far up that I don't think I would be strong enough to whip a golf ball and hit the ring.
	And now that's not a straight line.
	I'm throwing down, so it should be easy.
	I don't think I could have made it.
	So you're just watching it on the giant screen.
	And then when you're watching on the giant screen, you're like, why aren't I in a bar or at home?
	So you know what we did?
	We left.
	Nice.
	Watched a few fights.
	There's another problem with fighting.
	If you don't have good seats, then you only really want to watch three fights.
	But they have like 15, 20 fights.
	Sheesh.
	And I'm also coming from music where I never like stadium rock.
	I don't want to see Bruce Springsteen with 80,000 people.
	I want to see a small band as they're coming up.
	And I don't want 17 bands to open for them.
	I want to see maybe three bands.
	Maybe, probably not.
	So we just got a bunch of people together and went and rented a karaoke room.
	Nice.
	There you go.
	And I have an ungift when it comes to singing.
	Like, you know how someone's just blessed?
	Like Ariana Grande?
	Yeah, you're like, you're cursed.
	I have the same, but in reverse.
	And it would ruin people's nights.
	Everyone was having fun, and then I'd get up there and go, he's a wolf screaming lonely in the night.
	He's a bloodstained old stay.
	Yeah, yeah.
	Just a tear in your eye to be tempted by his lie.
	He's a laughing about his wage.
	Not too bad.
	And people would go, oh, fuck.
	I guess I don't like Motley Crew anymore.
	That's ruined.
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	And sorry, I didn't finish saying the reason I was spoiled is not just knowing someone and coming from seeing bands to boxing, but also seeing local fights is the best.
	Fuck major matches.
	I don't give a shit about Amir Khan and Terrence Crawford.
	This comes from punk rock.
	When I got into punk, it was already dead in the 80s, and it was all about hardcore.
	And the beauty of hardcore is there was no stars.
	So I talked to New Yorkers and they go, oh, you were in the hardcore?
	Oh, so you must like Gorilla Biscuits and Cro-Mags and Agnostic Front.
	And I go, no, not really.
	New York is a six-hour drive away from where we were.
	We had our own bands.
	We had Honest Engine and Dead Trout and Neanderthal Sponge and Grave Concern.
	That sounded like fake made-up names.
	No.
	Even like going to other Canadian hardcore, like SNFU, they were from Calgary or Winnipeg or something.
	That was way the fuck out there.
	Even in Ottawa, the Montreal bands, there wasn't that much overlap.
	And it was anti-celebrity in that way.
	Punk had, punk was just rock.
	So they had their Johnny Rotten and the Richard Hell and the Ramones.
	You had your stars, and you had to be in London or New York, or you weren't really there.
	You were missing out on punk if you weren't in London and New York.
	Hardcore is totally different.
	Your scene matters.
	And Maximum Rock and Roll would have these scene reports, and they'd talk about Colorado.
	They'd talk about fucking Oakland.
	They'd talk about Vancouver, DOA, and subhumans.
	And Vandals, were they from?
	There's a really good British band that lived in Vancouver.
	But anyway, and that's how you enjoyed shows.
	And the shows would have 30 to 40 people at them.
	100 at the very most.
	Sometimes a crazy fucking blowout mega show would have 500 people.
	My band, Anal Shino, played, that was our biggest show, 500.
	Opening for Grave Concern, who were a fucking good band.
	Wow, were they good?
	And that was, I like that better, obviously.
	We're done with the read, right?
	us.
	Music by Ben Thede.
	That's your Bet DSi fade-out music?
	Yeah.
	Well, I couldn't screen them, so I was going to go, but this is the wrong one.
	Oh.
	So you were waiting that queued up that whole time, and then you finally played it and realized, oh, that's the wrong one.
	Something like that, yeah.
	Wow, you're useless.
	Next time it'll be perfect, though.
	Bet DSI.com.
	I wonder when you have kids, how long it'll take your kids to realize their father's a retard.
	I bet it's going to be like six.
	Probably on the third visit when they're seven.
	Probably the third time the cops break down your door for child payments.
	Yeah.
	Probably when they realize the check, you know, the money signs after the number.
	Here's $200 with a dollar sign.
	What's that called?
	Child support?
	Child support checks.
	So yeah, so I just thought, I'm not enjoying this fight.
	And I left.
	And I'm never going to a major fight ever again.
	I promise you that.
	Next time, I'm only buying tickets that are $35 because that means it's at a small venue.
	And I'm only going to fights where I don't know the names of the fighters very well.
	And I think there was a fight before where everyone from my gym was at, and even some guys were working the fight.
	So the cool guys, the cool guys had the super awesome fight.
	And then I'm stuck alone with my wife and the nosebleeds.
	We watch a few people on the big screen, and then we go sing karaoke.
	And then on Sunday, go for a ride on my motorbike with my buddy.
	He's on a Ducati, wearing just shorts and a t-shirt.
	So I keep, and we're whipping down the highway at like 70.
	So I'm pooping myself, and I'm thinking, dude, if you wipe out, your whole body's going to be Freddy Krueger's face.
	You're just going to, you're just going to get shit.
	You know when they, at Easter brunch where they come with a little cheese thing and they go, you want some cheese on these?
	That would be his body just cheese gratered off to shreds.
	And you know what's disgusting?
	In a weird, dark way, I caught myself kind of wanting that to happen.
	To him?
	Yes.
	I love him.
	He's a great guy.
	But there's this darkness in us all where, you know, when you hear a screech on the road and you don't hear a bang, you go, ah, fuck.
	Yeah.
	Yeah.
	Like a tiny, disgusting, bizarre percentage of my brain, maybe like 8%, was sort of like, man, if he does wipe out, that would be a fucking trip.
	Flip that percentage and that's where I'm at.
	That's how I roll.
	98, or sorry.
	92%.
	92% of you wants everyone to die and have their skin ripped off.
	I want to see carnage.
	Well, but this is your friends.
	Oh, no.
	91%.
	And then I'm like, I wonder what would happen.
	So his wife would have no, like this kids, because our kids are friends.
	Maybe the kids would come stay with us for a while.
	I guess we'd adopt them.
	I don't know.
	Holy shit.
	But anyway, so we pull over and he pulls over and he goes, he's liver puddly and he's like, I can't do a Liverpool accent.
	He's like, something's going really wrong with my bike.
	No, that's Australian.
	Just do a British accent, Kevin.
	I don't know what's going on, man.
	It could have been wet leaves or something, but I was kind of wobbling.
	And I go, there's no wet leaves there, dude.
	Something's not right.
	And he goes, eh.
	And then we kick the tires.
	They feel fine.
	He starts driving again.
	A major piece falls off.
	This story's kind of sounding boring now that I repeat it.
	That's insane.
	But he could have fucking died.
	You know what the piece was?
	The rear axle, the pin that goes through your back tire, just like on a bicycle, it had come undone.
	It was missing the bolt and it was slowly sliding out.
	Holy shit.
	So if it kept, every time he took a bump, it would go another millimeter.
	And it was like seven inches sticking out on one side and then totally gone on the other side.
	So that piece, that giant piece that fell out was sort of the mechanics of the fastener that catches the pin as it comes through the back wheel.
	That's insane.
	He had to get towed.
	That's a big deal.
	That was the end of that.
	And he didn't care.
	I was like, Tim, you almost died.
	You wear leather?
	I wear leather underwear.
	But you were...
	My butt cheeks and my balls and my penis.
	I don't want those.
	I actually wear chain mail underwear.
	You said you were wearing just a t-shirt this time, but do you usually wear leather?
	I usually wear a leather jacket.
	Yeah.
	It looks cooler to have a t-shirt.
	But I just like driving around the burbs, so I'm usually just puttering around.
	But I went up to Maine the other day to climb this mountain.
	Acadia?
	Acadia National Park?
	Yes.
	Yeah, lovely.
	I almost died there, but go ahead.
	Oh, really?
	Well, I've never ridden my bike up there.
	And this is before I had my fairing.
	And there's these trucks.
	And they're going like 40 miles an hour.
	And I go, what the fuck's going on here?
	So I pass them, 18 wheelers.
	Then as I'm going down the hill, they come roaring past me at 90 miles an hour.
	And there's this wind behind them.
	I used to know this guy.
	He would go on the slip stream, which is right behind a truck.
	You have to be maybe like a foot from the bumper.
	And you get sucked into their airflow and it just tows you.
	I don't understand why anyone would do that.
	It sounds incredibly dangerous.
	To save gas?
	To save gas?
	What are you going to save?
	A full gas tank is eight bucks.
	I'll pay for it.
	I'll buy your gas so you don't do that.
	So I just learned to avoid them after a while.
	I guess what they do is it costs them a lot of money to go uphills.
	So they go uphills slowly, and then they just probably just neutral, let the weight carry them on the way down.
	But some of this wind down there, I would have to rev the accelerator as the wind was hitting me or I'd get blown off the road.
	It was, and then I started to freeze because it was pretty cold this weekend.
	So I'm doing what they call the Z position, right?
	Where you have your feet in the passenger things, and I'm putting my body close to the engine because the good thing about a long trip is the engine gets hot, so it kind of helps you warm up.
	But I started smelling this weird smell and I realized my boot was on fire.
	I was melting my boot to my foot.
	Damn.
	You wanted something crazy?
	I just totally stole that story.
	No, you didn't.
	This guy at my gym listens to the podcast, and he told me that story.
	So I thought, just to fuck with him, I'm going to pretend that I'm stealing it.
	Just so.
	Wow.
	Just so he's listening on his headphones and he'll just be going, motherfucker.
	Yeah, up until right now, he was like, I just learned, wow, that's the kind of guy he is.
	What a psycho.
	He was listening to this going, what a psycho weirdo.
	What other stories of mine has he stolen?
	Does he just walk around his life at bars telling my fucking stories?
	Or old people's stories.
	Yeah, yeah.
	He's a zealig.
	He's a weird psychopathic con man who just hears stories and goes, yeah, my uncle died this weekend.
	You're a cover band.
	Yeah, I was taking flying lessons in Maine this weekend.
	You're ripping from Jordan Peterson, clearly.
	My uncle passed away.
	God rest his cotton socks.
	Yeah, I'm way too lazy to lie.
	See, even then, you started naming the mountain in Maine and I had no idea.
	Lying is confident.
	That whole thing.
	Oh, that entire thing.
	I thought you were melting.
	My buddy with the tire, that was true.
	That did happen to me.
	That was up in Westchester.
	But taking a road trip to Maine was this other guy's sugar.
	Wow.
	And he probably, maybe part of him became okay with it.
	He was like, you know what?
	Maybe that show biz.
	He's my age, so guys our age are just like, oh, well, that guy's a psycho weirdo.
	He turned it off by now.
	He'll never know this.
	You'll have to force him to listen to it and be like, no, no, trust me.
	Well, that would suck if he's, I think he listens to it pretty regularly, though.
	But that did happen to me once.
	Zora Neale Hurston is this black authoress, and this is going to sound gay, but in college, I took a lot of women's studies classes.
	I know, I know what you're saying.
	But same with the singer, the fucked up, Damon, what's his name?
	It was the only non-boring class.
	This is before schools had totally shit the bed.
	And there was no like rock and roll classes or something.
	So it was either Dickens or, you know, some other boring geography shit.
	And then there was like women, feminists in film.
	And you go, all right, that sounds kind of unboring.
	And it was all bullshit, horseshit, fucking dumb bitches making up crap about the patriarchy.
	But I thought it might be kind of interesting.
	So I'd like to apologize to everyone for being such a homo and taking women's studies in college.
	I was just trying to make it interesting.
	But anyway, I'm in some class, women in history or some bullshit.
	And we're studying Zora Neale Hurston, female woman, female woman who is black.
	And there's a band, you know Chumbawamba?
	I get knocked down, but I get up again.
	They used to be on Crass Records.
	I knew of them before they were pop stars, and they used to be a very political anarchist punk band.
	And they have a song about Zora Neil Hurston.
	And in the song, it's a true story.
	They talk about how Zora Neil Hurston was, she went through a red light and she got stopped by the cops.
	And she said to the cop, oh, I'm sorry, officer.
	I just saw all the white people going through the green light.
	So I thought the red light must be for me.
	And he goes, ah, typical stupid Negro.
	All right, you dumb bitch.
	Go ahead, but that's not how it works.
	And she was laughing because she got out of a ticket by taking advantage of this guy's racism.
	So I think that's an interesting story.
	So I tell the teacher, the professor, the same story.
	And then the next class, the professor gets up and she goes, kind of an interesting story I was reading about about Zora Neale Hurston.
	And she goes to repeat the story I just told her verbatim.
	Oh, is that it?
	Yeah.
	Yeah, that's the album cover.
	Wow.
	And you're in the class and he knows it.
	She.
	She.
	You sexist.
	But I'm staring at her as she tells my story to the class as her story.
	And I keep trying to catch her eye.
	He.
	Because I want to meet her eye as she rips me off.
	And why'd she have to do that too?
	She just sort of said, I heard an interesting story recently.
	Right.
	Oh, I know fucking why.
	Because I'm a man.
	I was one of the only men in the class.
	And for her to say, hey, this man here in the class has helped contribute to the class, ladies.
	No women's studies class.
	Yeah, you can't do that.
	I'm a spectator.
	That's a good point.
	That's a big thing with the feminists.
	Take a seat, men.
	Men aren't like that.
	When men have a thing, they go, come on, get on board, guys.
	Like, you want to make America great?
	Yeah, but I'm black.
	I don't give a shit.
	Come on, let's make America great.
	Yeah, but I'm Jewish.
	Good.
	Get over here, Jewish guy.
	But women and these other little radical groups, they have their thing and everyone else can fuck off.
	Like that Amy Siskind who said, if you are a male or not a person of color, sit down during this political process.
	It's our turn to shine.
	Which is obviously racist and sexist.
	She tried to get a guy fired for pointing that out too.
	Right.
	Yeah, they're not very, they're kind of grumpy.
	I remember when I was a kid, like an 18-year-old, we go to these punk gatherings, un-gatherings they were called, and I'd meet a lesbian, and she'd refuse to shake my hand.
	And they were called lesbian separatists, this group.
	And what they wanted to do was, wait a minute, don't leave that link yet.
	They wanted to have a world completely devoid of men.
	I don't know.
	I guess men might sit in a plexiglass booth and just jerk off into a jar to supply babies for the human race.
	But they wanted nothing to do with men whatsoever.
	Weirdos.
	Okay, play some of that song.
	I haven't heard it in 8 billion years.
	Don't sound very punk, do they?
	Sounds Scott-ish.
	No, they're English.
	outro music
	Jump in the middle.
	There's a lot of yelling stuff.
	This is the get knocked down, guys?
	Yeah.
	That sounds terrible.
	Okay, now I have to redeem myself.
	Now, they're doing Zora Neil Hurston, so they're trying to sound 1930s-ish.
	It's not a very representative song.
	I see, I see, I see.
	Look up Nevermind the Ballots, Chamba Wamba.
	God, I got a lot of redeeming to do on this show, huh?
	This is a redemption.
	Apologizing for women's studies, stealing my friend's stories.
	All right.
	Yeah, I recently saw, not, I don't know if it aired or not for the Emmys thing.
	And so I dressed up like Bill Burr and got the makeup done and stuff like that.
	And I don't know if it aired or not, but it was like me being put into like Hotel Rwanda, a scene in that.
	And then also Bill Burr in another black movie.
	He was in Amistad, and I was there.
	I don't know if it aired or not, but then I, you know, then Crowder does it because, well, I'm not in Texas to do it.
	So my first instinct was like, hey, that ought to be me.
	I joined Bill Burr, you know?
	But like, I'm not in Texas, and he had a bit that was different.
	And you don't own Bill Burr.
	Just to be, you explained that really, really badly.
	Did I?
	Yes, it was a fucking, I don't know if you're trying to be politically correct or not piss off Crowder a little bit.
	Well, then don't talk.
	Right.
	You either come out swinging or don't step in the ring.
	What Ryan's trying to say is that he was, when we were down doing Crowder's show, he dressed up as Bill Burr.
	And he's like, oh, toad, toad.
	And they did a fake Emmy Awards where they injected these fake characters into random movies.
	And it was Bill Burr and Hotel Rwanda going, what is this, Sawtoo?
	This is Bruto.
	And he wore a wig, I mean, a bald cap.
	And then later on in another show, Ryan sees Crowder wearing that same ball cap and doing a Bill Burr imitation with it.
	And he goes, hey, that's kind of my bald cap, my bit.
	But it's literally Steven Crowder's bald cap.
	Like, he owns it.
	He literally owns it.
	So what are you talking about?
	You think you're the only guy who's allowed to do a Bill Burr impression?
	No, but for that point.
	You're the only person who's allowed to use Crowder's props?
	That's a great point.
	No, that was actually my bald cap.
	I brought that down to Texas.
	Did you?
	No.
	Then shut up.
	But for that one second, I was like, I felt like that ought to be me.
	You know, Pat Dixon was mad at me for having you host my show as Asian Gavin McCain.
	Yes, I found that out way later.
	That never occurred to me.
	I always just thought of it as an homage.
	Yeah.
	He goes, well, no, dude, it was kind of my bet.
	I thought it was an homage.
	I mean, not only did I not mind it, I had a great time doing that.
	I see his point now, though.
	Sometimes you'll find out someone was pissed off about something and you'll just go, holy shit, dude.
	I had no idea you found that offensive.
	That's why you got to get, you got to tell people.
	This is what I love about the Scots, and it's what I hate about the Chinese.
	In Scotland, you'll just sit down and go, you got a problem with me, by the way.
	Is that a problem?
	What?
	What are you talking about?
	Oh, Sandy said that you didn't think I'd buy enough pints.
	And the guy won't be picking a fight.
	He just wants to know if you have a problem with him because then he's not going to sit with you.
	Like, let's get it out.
	Are you mad at me?
	My parents would always say that, too, if I was pissed off.
	Are you in a huff?
	Right.
	That's kind of fun.
	And in Asia, they have face, right?
	So they never say what the fuck's on their mind.
	Even I would get fired from teaching jobs and I wouldn't be told why.
	There'd just be my little tokens because you got paid in tokens that you would then get money for back at the teaching English center.
	And you'd have to guess what offended them.
	Yeah, they're chronically dishonest in regards to harmony.
	Like in Japan, there's actually two words for it.
	Hone is when you're at home and you can talk shit.
	And then tatamai is how you act in front of people.
	So they actually acknowledge it.
	There's words for it.
	Yeah, I hate that.
	Yeah, me too.
	I shouldn't have said Chinese.
	Asian.
	I hate Asian culture.
	I hate the food.
	I hate the way they treat animals.
	If it moves, it's food is a common saying in China.
	I lived there for a while, too.
	I know what I'm talking about.
	I hate saving face.
	Yeah.
	Yeah, I'm not a fan of them either.
	No, no, I didn't say I don't like Asians.
	I don't like.
	Here's the other thing I don't get.
	Their civilization is 40,000 something years old, and they still have so much hocus-pocus bullshit voodoo crap about eating a bear's eye and fucking rubbing this on your feet will stop lung cancer.
	And sometimes Westerners fall for it too, especially punk rockers.
	Old punks, like Ariupa the slits, gets breast cancer.
	And what does she do?
	Rub some fucking cream on her tits.
	No, bitch, you got to cut them off.
	I would go with the cream.
	I've seen the top herbalist, top herbalist in the country.
	There's no such thing.
	Yeah, top herbalist.
	Is he friends with the top astrologist in the country?
	That's about as handy.
	Play that Chumbawamba song before we get too far away from it.
	Give me your goals!
	I'm going to go to the next one.
	Just give me your vote.
	Sculls, Britons.
	Of course, we'll film them.
	Condoms for the American GIs.
	Bring on the rabbits!
	Please, the president!
	Stop it, sir!
	Just give me your phone!
	Okay, you get it?
	That's pretty cool.
	Very cool.
	Very political.
	That other song, Get Knocked Down, doesn't really represent them at all, does it?
	No, they were a very experimental band.
	They had a big problem with that hit because they were making millions all of a sudden and it went against their anarchist sensibilities.
	I mean, they donated a bunch of it.
	They didn't know what to do.
	What a stupid problem to have.
	Yeah.
	Well, no.
	The thing I was doing for 20 years finally struck.
	All right.
	So that's my weekend.
	My friend's motorcycle fell apart.
	I went to a boxing match that sucked.
	A lot of hangout in bars this weekend because my mother-in-law's in town.
	So I can just leave the house whenever I want.
	What do you think of that?
	I think that rules.
	Hanging out with a dude.
	It's amazing.
	I don't think my wife's kind of shy.
	And that isn't good for your mental health.
	Because you don't get anyone to talk to.
	Uh-oh.
	That Generation X thing got shut down.
	Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
	What are you talking about?
	We put up a video on my YouTube page.
	Why?
	Because BMG Records owns that song.
	Oh, for God's sake.
	So I gotta demonetize it?
	I think they're just.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, demonetize it.
	That should work.
	This is my cover of a song.
	No.
	It's, you know, it's funny.
	It could be the video itself because the music is so low.
	But I've also, we chopped the shape, so how would the algorithm recognize it?
	Right.
	Right.
	Anyway.
	That's a bummer.
	It's only a matter of time before I'm shut down on YouTube.
	Who are we kidding?
	They are dying to do it.
	I think what's going on here is the SPLC suit has shown that I'm litigious.
	Because there hasn't been one negative article written about me since I've done that.
	Because they know they're going to get sued.
	And Twitter and Facebook, they've also been, and YouTube have been treading lightly too, because once we get discovery, we're going to see all of this shaky business that goes on with the SPLC and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube, where they sort of strong-arm them into becoming the arbiters of what's acceptable.
	Just like the mob, right?
	Hey, there's going to be some trouble at your restaurant unless you let me decide who can come in and who can't.
	Okay, no problem.
	And then he gets pinched, and that restaurant's like, oh, we're not going to take protection from him anymore.
	You know what some bars?
	I was hanging out with an old cop on the weekend and nothing is better than an old cop.
	I know what you're saying.
	You're saying, what about a Vietnam vet?
	Those guys don't talk.
	They start sweating and punching the wall when you ask them about Vietnam.
	Cops?
	They'll tell you about a guy.
	I heard a story from a cop.
	He said, this dude, he comes in, he shoots himself in the head because he knew he was going to jail.
	He was killed someone or something.
	And he shoots himself in the head.
	I go, what's your name?
	He goes, Darren.
	He goes, he could say his fucking name with a hole in his head.
	I ain't never seen that before.
	Did you know that?
	You could talk when you have a hole in your head.
	So, you know, I don't want to get in shit, so I got to start doing all this stuff.
	You know, the all-clear with the ka-chunk-ka-chunk things.
	And I'm trying to keep this guy alive.
	Meanwhile, he has a fucking hole in his head.
	There's no way he's going to live.
	But you have to go through the motion.
	And this fuck is talking to me.
	He's talking about baseball.
	This kid.
	This guy's shooting the shit.
	And he would have been the first guy in the history of humanity to walk away with a hole in his head.
	What?
	He gave himself a fucking lobotomy?
	So this cop was in the Harlem Riots in the 60s.
	And he said, and then I said, wait a minute, you're in Hell's Kitchen?
	That's the second cop I met this week who was in Hell's Kitchen when the Westies were there.
	And I'm reading a book about the Westies right now called Westies.
	And he said, yeah.
	And he said, what the Westies would do is they would start a fight.
	They'd fight each other in a bar.
	And then the third Westie would come and say, hey, I noticed there was a fight here.
	I can make sure that never happens again.
	Oh, great.
	So they wouldn't like smash your window or anything.
	They would be the bad guys.
	Basically, they'd say, I'll get rid of me if you pay me money.
	So as a detective, he goes, we know who did this.
	Let's start prosecuting them or it's just going to keep going.
	And the bartender goes, no, thank you.
	And he just closed down the bar forever.
	Wow.
	Because even paying the extortion, you're now in bed with the Westies.
	Someone's going to die.
	Someone's going to get shot.
	They'll kill anyone.
	You show them a picture of their kids.
	They say, go ahead, fucking.
	I don't give a shit.
	Kill them all.
	So the Italians, eventually the Italians go, I can't, we can't deal with these guys anymore.
	We can't scare them.
	So they ended up using them as hitmen because they were so ruthless, they would just kill anyone for money.
	Fucking crazy times.
	This is only, I'm going back as late as the 90s, too.
	Like they were around, I think, from the beginning of New York, right?
	Hell's Kitchen, I think Charles Dickens came up with that name.
	But all those Irish gangs that came over in the gangs in New York, right?
	During the Industrial Revolution, 1800s.
	And I don't think they're around anymore, but that was right up until the early 90s.
	They were still going with impunity.
	Murdering people, killing guys who bumped into their car, that no one would speak a word to the police.
	And they eventually got shut down.
	All right, should we do the mailbag?
	Do I put that in post?
	No?
	Didn't I email you all the mailbag songs?
	You did.
	The mailbag.
	Let's play them all.
	All right.
	And we'll decide which ones.
	By the way, another thing about my motorbike, I took my daughter to her friend's house.
	No highway driving.
	But I think it's very important as a parent to allot alone time.
	It doesn't have to be very much.
	Like walk the dog with one boy one day, another boy the other day.
	Take the girl on a motorcycle ride to her friend's.
	Just even if you're obviously not talking very much on a motorbike, but it's really important to establish that alone time with your kid.
	And it opens the door for a secret.
	Say something terrible happened to her and she didn't want to bring it up.
	Well, you're having fries with her at the park alone and all of a sudden it's going to come out.
	Yeah, this girl poured pee on my head or something.
	That didn't happen to my daughter.
	I'm just saying that sometimes, you know, kids don't want to bring up something at a table with the whole family sitting there.
	So you constantly have to get them alone and sort of go, anything terrible going on?
	I came up with this idea with the kids too.
	I said, took them to the furnace room and I said, look, this room is a magic room.
	And if you tell me something here, we can't punish you.
	It's like a sanctuary.
	So you could have murdered someone and say, hey, you know that thing in the news about the masked children who've been stabbing people in the neck and taking their money?
	That's me and my gang.
	And I'd say, oh, well, I'm scared of you now.
	And let's start formulating a plan to keep me safe from you and your psychotic gang.
	but it didn't work.
	It might be because we store all the Halloween stuff in the furnace room.
	So, as I'm talking and saying this is a safe space, there's an 18-foot ghoul with skeleton hands hanging on the wall behind me, and then like 40 gravestones, and we really go nuts for Halloween.
	Yeah, that was a good time last year, too.
	That was a fun one.
	Well, I can't recommend enough making your monsters a race.
	Yes.
	I think I want to do black dudes.
	A black zombie is terrifying.
	A black zombie is scarier than a white zombie, especially if he has like white face.
	Because you're just not expecting it.
	It's confusing.
	And Asians in white face, I don't know why, but it's really weird.
	It's fucked up.
	It's fucked up.
	So it's doubly confusing.
	Remember when we first started scaring them?
	I was a werewolf and you were a zombie and you go, this isn't working.
	They know we're people.
	Yeah.
	They're not scared of just, we have to scare them with a jump scare.
	Yeah, you'd have to be three years old to think a werewolf exists.
	Yeah, then that's just cruel.
	Yeah, no one wants to scare a three-year-old.
	So the second you turn like, the second you're old enough to not think it's real is when you can't be scared.
	Yeah.
	So by definition, dressing up as a werewolf is idiotic.
	Yep.
	Unless you're at an adult party and it's just a joke.
	But you're either scaring a child or you're not scaring a grown-up.
	So then we did, and we talked about this on the old show.
	Then we did something, and it's the only way to do Halloween properly.
	I wear a nice yellow, canary yellow sweater, v-neck sweater, with a dress shirt on underneath.
	And my hair is combed to the side perfectly.
	And I have on slacks, like Mr. Rogers, and my candy.
	And I say, hi.
	Come on in.
	How are you?
	Super nice and quiet.
	And that adds tension, right?
	This guy is fucking freaky.
	And then I go, here, let's get you some candy.
	And I sort of have a catatonic stare or two that sort of drifts away.
	Like I'm mentally ill.
	Hey, there you go.
	There you go.
	And then I had a code word with Ryan that was like, thanks for coming.
	And then he comes barging out of the side door with his white makeup on.
	And what were you wearing?
	Oh, yeah, a suit that was ripped to shreds.
	And he went, yeah, we have, and that was on the show.
	So the following show that we shot, we aired the footage.
	And that's, where could we find that?
	Well, we'll put it up.
	We will put it up.
	I was a ghoul.
	You know that suit?
	When I was working for Anthony Coomia, I had all my suits at the studio.
	And then I brought them all home when I went to my new job.
	And then I was going through my suits and I found, oh shit, there's one of Anthony Cumia's suit.
	Probably like a $700 suit.
	And I kept forgetting to give it back to him.
	And then on Halloween, I thought, we might as well just rip up this suit.
	So you were wearing a $700 Armani suit.
	Jeez.
	That was Anthony Cornoff with fake blood all over it.
	Sorry.
	It makes me feel bad.
	Sorry, Ant.
	See, fellow millionaires can do that to one another, but when you have a broke kid from the Bronx just wearing that thing, I don't want to be in the middle of your millionaire.
	You can give two fucks.
	Oh, really?
	No.
	Although, like, when Big A came over to his house and sat on his chair and broke it, he was really pissed off.
	Because it was the seventh time it happened that day.
	And he brought up a good point.
	He goes, how is this different than a fucking junkie coming over and wrecking my house?
	Right.
	Like, he's addicted to food.
	Right.
	So he's this big fat pig who's addicted to food, and he broke my fucking chair, and it's his addiction that broke my chair.
	How is that different than a junkie coming over and barfing on my couch?
	Poor big A. What do you mean, poor big A?
	He broke his chair.
	That's true.
	All right, so let's play the music for Mailbag.
	The Mailbag Music Number One by Roy.
	Could you take longer, please?
	It's taking a second to load.
	Load?
	Yeah.
	It's an email I sent you last week.
	I just clicked the button.
	Now it disappeared.
	Look at this.
	What's happening?
	Well, click it on the email.
	Here's the other one.
	What's the matter with your shit, dude?
	Now it's frozen.
	Now it's just frozen.
	Wait, wait.
	Okay, this one's working now.
	Alright, I'm going to cut this out.
	I'm going to kill you.
	I understand.
	Alright, I mean, don't cut it out.
	Just leave it there.
	Okay.
	And tell me when those fucking things are ready.
	Okay.
	But we can't start.
	Without the jingle, yeah.
	That's the kind of the.
	Are you seeing this here?
	Am I seeing what?
	I mean, I clicked on the thing, and now it just disappeared.
	Okay, so now I'm going to double-click it so it pops out.
	It's frozen.
	You see.
	Well, I think you got to give it a second.
	Before we go to the mailbag, let's make sure I've covered everything in the news.
	Yeah, we got it.
	The shooting.
	Oh, then there was Kanye West had some big crazy Coachella Sunday service where he's selling $250 sweatshirts and acting like Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ superstar and having people surround him like he's the Messiah.
	That's awesome.
	Yeah, I liked it.
	And DMX was in it too.
	He's like, yo, we got to repent.
	But that was him.
	Good.
	If you have money and influence, what better way to use it than doing something fucking crazy?
	And Christian.
	Nicholas Cage's wife of four days wants spousal support.
	She is super.
	Nicholas Cage's wives are always smoke shows.
	He's got a new movie that came out that went under the radar called Mandy.
	And it looks crazy, crazy different.
	And very cool.
	What's it about?
	It's like a horror revenge movie.
	Yeah, like a sci-fi thriller.
	And it's really stylistic.
	Kind of like Evil Dead meets another movie.
	Nicholas Cage was married for four days to this Japanese-looking woman.
	She looks half Japanese.
	And they divorced four days after, and now she wants spousal support.
	What the fuck?
	Look, alimony was invented for the Italian Nona who's making the spaghetti sauce every day and has no other skills.
	Then you dump her, and she's going to starve to death.
	So you say, look, you raised my children.
	You were too busy doing that to learn any skills.
	Women aren't that employable.
	Here's some money.
	That makes sense.
	Now women are equally employable.
	In fact, with affirmative action, they're more employable in many cases.
	Women make more money than men before they have kids, by the by, while you're talking about all this fucking inequality bullshit.
	Yeah, there's inequality against men.
	Women are more successful than men until they have kids.
	In other words, until they choose to stay home overworking.
	In other words, women get whatever the fuck they want.
	But the idea of getting spousal support when you don't have any kids together and you've been married for four days, I think we've bastardized it a tiny bit.
	And the only thing more bastardized, can you, not you, Ryan, you're too young.
	But I say this to dad sometimes.
	Can you imagine being in court and sitting there as the judge discusses how much alimony your wife should pay you?
	How embarrassing would that be?
	And she's sitting there going, what the fuck?
	Like the Bethany Frankel, that skinny margaritas chick, her husband was in finance.
	But because she got, I don't know, what, $100 million for skinny girl margaritas, he gets spousal support.
	So he's sitting there getting checks.
	For what?
	How far away from the spaghetti sauce origins have we gone when you think you have to, some chick has to pay you because she made a lot of money on margaritas?
	What the fuck are we talking about?
	I don't think I could hang out with someone who was getting alimony from a woman.
	I'd call them Margaritaville.
	I'd just be like, hey, Margaritaville.
	Wow, that joke was so bad that it made me sad.
	Like, you know, if you ever see, I saw a little kid once with one leg, and he's hopping around with a sort of a crutch.
	And I just thought, I have every problem I've ever had just shrank to nothing as that guy hopped around at a birthday party.
	And I did feel, and I know they don't want this, right?
	He doesn't want me to feel sorry for him.
	But yeah, sorry.
	It's impossible not to feel a little bit sad.
	And that's how I felt when you said that stupid fucking murderer.
	I thought you were going to say that was funnier than your joke.
	I felt kind of hurt.
	Like I would imagine, say there was a guy with a really severe, you know, facial deformity.
	And he really liked a girl and he asked her to prom and she said no.
	And it looked like she was going to say yes because they were friends.
	But then he realizes in that one moment that they've always just been friends and she's not interested in him in that way.
	And the feeling that he would feel when she said no, that's exactly how you made me feel with that shitty joke.
	Like a hurt, disfigured high school man.
	It wasn't personal.
	It's retardation.
	I'd call him Margaritaville?
	What does that even mean?
	Margaritaville is a successful resort.
	Yeah, but he's rich.
	Jimmy Somerville.
	So be like, what are you, you know, Margaritaville?
	The house, are you, I'm going to come over to your house, the house that Margarita's built.
	Who's the guy who, Jimmy Buffett?
	Maybe you could, a better joke would be, I'd call him Jimmy Buffett.
	That guy got rich off of Margaritas.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Oh, fuck.
	I guess I felt bad because we're sort of business partners.
	And I just, this is like a large part of my company is you.
	So you just suck.
	You just saw like a mole, like you've been dating a girl for like a week and you saw like just a huge mole with 19 hairs popping out of it.
	No, that's a terrible analogy.
	No one misses a fucking mole on their face.
	You're making it worse.
	I felt like DeGrom, how the coach must have felt when DeGrom started sucking after that contract.
	Like, yeah, I sort of understand now.
	What is really going on here is I'm depressed because I see, you know, another maybe year of shitty jokes like that.
	So that's sad.
	It's not personal.
	So if you redid that comedy set at the guitar store, you would just look out and you'd see a bunch of sad people.
	Some would be crying.
	I think it was.
	It's like the opposite of comedy.
	You make people cry.
	That's not good.
	All right.
	Do you have the songs ready yet, Mr. iTunes?
	How you do?
	How you do?
	That's pretty good.
	We've been working on the intro to the show, and it combines sort of 80s punk and New York and the 80s with The Clash and hip-hop and Vincent Gallo, and I shot Andy Warhol and lots of ghetto blasters and stuff.
	That's the aesthetic for the show.
	That's a little more hardcore, obviously, than punk, but that's possible.
	Let's hear the other one.
	At some point today.
	Shut up, you don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes to Gavin's mailbag.
	you Remember how Harda laughed at that the first time?
	Yeah, well, it's funny that you fucked it up.
	Yeah.
	So it's a song talking about how much you suck, and you fucked it up because you suck.
	Right.
	Perfect, actually.
	One more time?
	Yeah, so we can hear it.
	Ryan, shut up, you don't have a dad.
	Let's turn our eyes together and smell bad.
	Do you hear the influence in there?
	I love that, by the way.
	It's got to be We Might Be Giants.
	Sonically, yes, but I fought the Law, but the Law won.
	that?
	Let's turn the rice together and smell back.
	Breaking rocks in the hot sun.
	I fought the law and the law.
	I don't hear it.
	But that, but the law one.
	If you had been taken over by an alien who was sucked and he was just in your body, I wouldn't know.
	Hey, aliens, if there's anyone in outer space who wants to take over someone's skin and you're kind of a shitty person as an alien, take this guy.
	No one will notice.
	No one will go, hey, why did Ryan become so shitty?
	Because he's so shitty already.
	Somebody would have to have recognized it at some point.
	No, maybe you'd be fucking your girlfriend and he'd accidentally say something like, your tits are way better than Zorg's.
	And she'd go, wait a minute, who's Zorg?
	I mean, another Earth chick that's hot.
	Jenny?
	No, no, no.
	You said Zorg.
	I was so convinced my parents were aliens when I was a little kid that I didn't want to bring it up because I love them.
	And I didn't want Zorf to say, you have screwed up your mission.
	You have been identified by the boy.
	You will now be coming back to Zeldar.
	So I pretended that they were earthlings.
	And I'd say like, hello, mom, person of earth that's perfectly reasonable and was born here and grew up with other earthlings, that it's normal.
	Wow.
	I didn't know.
	What age were you?
	Like seven.
	That's pretty old for thinking your parents are aliens.
	Well, they had those weird accents and weird customs and stuff.
	I see I see, I see.
	Wore Tartan.
	You know, it's funny that like Zorg, Zoltar, they're all Z names.
	Like, I think, you know, like the English language, I guess I guess Z is like the most alien letter.
	We should change the name of the show to Ryan's Funeral Service.
	Yay!
	And then another time we were on, I think we, you remember in that, well, this is probably before your time, but sometimes you'd be smoking pod or something in the 80s or 90s, and someone will go, uh-oh, I think there's PCP in this.
	That would happen all the time.
	So you'd be on PCP like twice a year, and you're up for two days.
	But one of those times I was on PCP, and I was an alien, and I didn't want anyone to know.
	So we were at, after the bar, we used to always go to the same pizza place for a late-night slice.
	And one of the times, Jonathan Cummins, who was the guitarist for the Doughboys, one time they were playing a show in Calgary, and this old man sees their name on the marquee and he goes, who are the Doug H. Boys?
	But one time John and I ordered fries.
	No, John ordered fries and the guy said, hey, hey, you.
	And he gave me John's fries.
	And I thought, oh, I'm not fucking saying no to free fries.
	So I took them and ate them.
	And then John, who lived in Quebec, this is Montreal, where everyone has to speak French.
	He didn't speak a fucking word of French, which is so weird there.
	It's like living in Tokyo and not speaking any Japanese.
	But even weirder than that, because you could probably teach English in Tokyo if you didn't speak Japanese.
	No one in Quebec wants to learn English.
	And I remember he was so fucking mad that I was given his fries.
	And he said to the guy, hey, dude, Keska fuck, avec my fries.
	What does that mean?
	Keska means what?
	Keska fuck is not an expression.
	And then avec is with.
	So Keska fuck, avec my fries.
	Keska fuck avec.
	It would have Daniel.
	Shut up, Brian.
	Anyway, I was at that same pizza place, and I was trying to blend in with the Earthlings, and I walked in there and go, hello, everyone.
	How are you?
	Ah, we're ordering wheat plates with synthetic cheese on them and mashed up tomatoes.
	I'd like one of these discs.
	Excuse me, sir.
	Can I have a slice of one of these large wheat plates with the cheese and the tomatoes on it, please?
	And then they gave me a wheat plate, and I'm eating the pizza slice, and it's just falling out of my mouth as I chew because I don't have a body.
	It was like a robot, how a robot would eat pizza.
	Just desperately trying to blend in with earthlings.
	Okay, is there one more mailbag song?
	Ryan, shut up.
	We don't have a dad.
	Not the dad and bag rhyme, but whatever.
	No, that's the two that I got.
	Nope, I sent you three.
	Well, I got two.
	I sent you three, buddy.
	I looked up and down and around.
	Well, email shouldn't be in that many directions.
	That's a good point.
	I feel bad about the hardcore dude because he works so hard.
	He didn't get his time to shit.
	Well, here we go.
	You got the other one?
	Where'd he play that?
	Well, I felt bad for him because we didn't play it as much as the other guys.
	What?
	No.
	And there's another one in there, dude.
	Okay.
	Ryan, shut up.
	You don't have a dad.
	I've been checking out this really cool dude on YouTube who's a Slovenian philosopher named Zinkle.
	Zinkle?
	Is he from space?
	He has a Z in his name.
	Wait, I don't.
	I see two here, man.
	Why'd you say you got it?
	Because it's the same one.
	But it looked different.
	Hold on.
	I gotta find you this fucking super genius.
	Yeah, it's um it's Jordan Peterson and Zizak.
	Z-I-Z-E-K.
	Zizek.
	Zizak.
	And he's got all, like, he has this whole lecture on toilets.
	He says, you can tell us very much about different places on the most seemingly most innocuous things.
	For example, toilets.
	As you travel the world, you see that every country has very different toilets.
	I mean, in China, they just sit and shit.
	In Germany, there's sort of a plateau where the shit stays before it's flushed.
	So you can check, you know, its texture and its smell before you.
	And then in more Anglo-Saxon countries like France, the shit just disappears into the water to get it over with.
	And it shows how they feel about their health and their life.
	You've never been to China, right?
	I just look like I have been I just look like I have been You know that street in China?
	Like, he just skips the have you been?
	Yeah, it's just a hole on the ground.
	You sit and squat, and there's no stalls.
	So you're literally six inches from a man whose shit is crackling out his butthole and landing into the thing right next to you.
	Crackling is a great.
	Oh, fuck.
	And they're always filthy with shit everywhere.
	Bro, that looks bad.
	Yeah, even the nice ones are just a hole in the floor.
	There's no divider.
	It's probably better for your body to squat down that low.
	That's why I use a squatty potty.
	But I still, and it fucking reeks unimaginably.
	I'm actually, I can feel my gag reflex sort of getting a boner right now, like becoming engorged.
	Yes.
	Oh, that's fucked.
	Because sometimes you'll take a...
	I like words like that.
	Pissing on a stranger's shit.
	What, you saw it?
	Someone with just blood.
	That's probably explosive diarrhea somehow linked to tomatoes or something.
	Dude, how much disease?
	What if you slip in your butthole?
	What if you slip and your butthole touches a lady?
	Norman, what if you slip in your butthole?
	She touches a lady.
	She says, hey, did you just take a shit?
	There's blood everywhere.
	Ha.
	Okay.
	Shall I read you some mail?
	Yes.
	Hello, Gavin Ryan.
	Glad to see the boy Wonder Ryan has become a mainstay on the show.
	A lot of us sidekick types relate to his adult boyishness.
	Okay.
	Yesterday, I went to a local theater to see the newly restored seven and a half hour film, Russian film, War and Peace.
	At the height of the Cold War, the Soviet film industry set out to prove it could outdo Hollywood with a production that would dazzle the world.
	It's a cinematic masterpiece.
	Parts of this film use thousands of soldiers on screen at the same time to pull off giant battle scenes before CGI existed.
	There's no way this film from the 60s Russia could be made the same way.
	Somewhere I read it would take about $700 million to make today.
	Millions of Soviets with an unlimited budget because Russia doesn't give a fuck.
	They are coming and they will fucking win.
	That's how they won World War II, by the way.
	Just with sheer humanity.
	Men without guns.
	I heard the front line for the Russians was as long as New York to Florida.
	I think they lost 60 million men in that war.
	And many of them didn't have shoes or guns.
	And the Germans just went insane, killing them from the guilt of just shooting unarmed men.
	As much as Russia's in the news right now, it seems like I should be freaked out, right?
	They are coming, right?
	Along with the Nazis and the KKK marching down Main Street, right?
	I live in modern world.
	That's what I hear all day.
	This guy's insane.
	So I got in my car and started driving a window and I spotted this guy and he sent me a picture of a man with a baby backpack.
	You know the babies you put on your front?
	Baboos.
	And he's on a scooter, an electric scooter.
	And he's riding that with his baby in his little backpack.
	And he said, then I thought, if these monsters are coming, this is how we prepare, scooting around town, taking away our plastic straws, tweeting, cutting wounds in our taints.
	We are doomed.
	We cut wounds.
	Oh, he means like having a sex change.
	Yeah, I was thinking that today, weird letter writer.
	We are really at a weak peak.
	We are pussies.
	And all of this things like, I felt unsafe.
	I heard someone left a bar recently because they saw me there and they were Jewish and they felt unsafe.
	Now, outside of politics, could you be a bigger fucking pussy, please?
	And all of this political correctness, that guy I was just talking about, Zizik, talks about political correctness and how when you make really horrible jokes, it brings people together.
	Offending people is actually a form of kindness.
	And he talked about a book signing he was at with these two black guys, and they came over to have their book signed that he wrote.
	And as he's handing to them, he goes, I don't know which one this is for.
	All you black people look the same to me.
	And they both laughed their head off.
	And that was them bonding.
	They had a bonding moment because of that.
	But all this political correctness is just weakness.
	It's people scared.
	You should be offended.
	I'm offended all day.
	You should be.
	That's what's great about boxing.
	You fight.
	You confront people.
	Someone's asking me what books I read right now.
	I'm reading a book about the Westies.
	That's boring.
	Gavin, you told a joke in the last pod about Ryan's debt, and Ryan told you that you said $12,000.
	You didn't.
	You said $1,200.
	You definitely executed the joke correctly.
	I don't think he understands what $1,200 is.
	I do?
	Okay, it's $1,200.
	Yes, that's true.
	I did not say $12,000.
	Whoops.
	What else have we got?
	I should maybe...
	I got one.
	Okay, what do you got?
	Well, dear Gav, I've been on and off snorting heroin for the past two years, and I'm finally at wit's end.
	Your podcast has been the only thing that's kept me sane during this withdrawal.
	Can't thank you enough for what you do.
	I'm sure you've seen this sort of thing before.
	Do you have any advice for withdrawal in the early days of sobriety?
	I want this to be the last time I go through this.
	Remember, I like you more than a friend.
	Okay, I've got great advice for all ex-junkies.
	You have to quit absolutely everything.
	I've lost 12 people to heroin, and in almost every case, they were killed by a beer.
	Budweiser kills more junkies than anyone.
	They quit for a year.
	Their tolerance goes way down.
	They go to a bachelor party.
	They go, oh, fuck, I can have one beer.
	It's not going to kill me.
	Then they have a beer.
	Then they have two beers, three beers, four beers, five beers.
	Then someone gets Coke.
	And they go, yeah, I'll do a bump.
	Now they've done Coke, and they haven't had a buzz in a year, and they remember how much they like it.
	Now Satan starts to fly in from down below.
	He starts to fly up.
	And they go, let's get some smack.
	And they do.
	He still has the number.
	And then he does a big dose, a dose that was about the size of what he did back when he had a $350 a day habit.
	Can you believe these guys somehow come up with $350 a day?
	That boggles the mind.
	If you could only have saved that, you'd be making, what, $60,000 a year?
	Anyway, wait a minute, let's just do that math, shall we?
	$350 times $365 equals $127,000.
	Very good salary.
	Anyway, yeah, then they OD because they're doing a dosage back from their crazy days.
	It happens again and again and again.
	You can't take pills, and don't get a prescription to sleeping pills or anything.
	Once you've gone down the heroin route, there's no turning back.
	This is a guy named Dude Duderson.
	Hey, I'm listening to the show since episode one.
	I thought I'd bring up my dad.
	You went to school with him in Canada, Ontario.
	Now he's a deadbeat opiate benzo addict.
	I want to say thank you, Gavin, for all the lessons that he never taught me.
	Also, what did you do with a junkie family member?
	He's been to rehab three times, never stays clean, owes my stepfather $250,000.
	Thanks.
	Cut them free.
	They are fucking liars.
	They're not themselves.
	It's almost like Alzheimer's.
	You know when someone dies and they had Alzheimer's and the son won't be crying?
	And you'll go, you seem pretty okay with it.
	And he'll say, she actually died two years ago.
	I mean, how is someone with Alzheimer's different from someone who's dead?
	It's just a body.
	They're a ghost.
	People with severe dementia and Alzheimer's don't recognize their kids.
	That's just a ghost.
	I'm sorry.
	It's time to go.
	If you play music, they wake up.
	No, sometimes they can recognize old music from back when they were young, but that's still a ghost in the machine.
	The person is not there.
	Machine.
	And it's the same with junkies.
	They're not there.
	They're not themselves.
	They're fucking liars.
	They're never going to pay you back, ever.
	The drug is taken over.
	Remember, we were talking about this a long time ago, Ryan, about how whenever we talk about Satan, it's usually just a metaphor.
	And it means evil or sin or vice or temptation or something.
	But when it comes to heroin, I get less metaphorical.
	And I'm basically talking about a fucking demon.
	A demon who takes over your body and makes you...
	They've lost all their humanity.
	Yeah.
	It does the same thing to different people.
	No matter who you are, it'll do the same thing.
	So it's weird.
	It is like a character.
	You have taken on the character of addict.
	It subsumes your personality and you lose your personality.
	They say that if you could lock 10 people in a hotel and feed them booze every day, all day, where they had to drink half a bottle of bourbon every day, after those 10 days, nine out of 10 would go, I am never looking at a bottle of bourbon ever again.
	I'm going to dry heave if you say the word.
	And one of them would become a severe alcoholic.
	Conversely, if you did the same thing with heroin, only one of them would go, I got to go to rehab.
	That was fucking brutal.
	And the other nine would become heroin addicts.
	Do you think really one would be able to emerge?
	That's tough.
	That's a study I heard.
	This is a fashion one that I could answer the first part and you could answer the second part.
	Oh, thanks.
	Thanks for telling me what letters I can respond to on my own fucking show.
	Well, one of them is right up my alley.
	Your alley sucks.
	Untrue.
	I was saying this to my kids.
	My boy and his friends, I took them out to this bouncy castle thing, bounce, you know.
	Bounce USA?
	Yeah, some sort of trampoline place, which is stupid because we have a trampoline at home.
	And I go to my son and his friend, what are those?
	Like the fucking shoes the kids today wear, they look like they're in the movie Space Jam.
	They look like time.
	I go, are you guys time travelers?
	What are those big puffy things on your feet?
	Yeah, it's in right now.
	So I don't, you guys, when you talk about shoes, you're wrong.
	I mean, your shoes right now aren't terrible, but they are still women's shoes.
	You look like a German lesbian.
	That's hurtful.
	Who's cool?
	You look like a cool German lesbian with good taste.
	Hey, Gavin and Ryan.
	Where's the best place to get plain white t-shirts that aren't see-through but cheapish?
	Three-pack.
	Jeans.
	I was going to say Gilden.
	All I wear is white shirts.
	Isn't that right?
	All I wear is white t-shirts.
	Yeah, me too.
	No, you wear other stuff.
	All right, whatever.
	This is stupid.
	All right, also, this is really gay, but what's the brand of the button-up that you wore in your film How to Be a Man?
	Attached to Picture.
	Thanks, Dork Babies, Chris.
	That's a tough one.
	Thomas Pink is the shirt I am wearing in the movie How to Be a Man.
	Very expensive shirt.
	I don't know what the fuck happened to those.
	I think I lost them at the movie.
	Oh, filming the movie.
	Oh, shit.
	Yeah.
	Thomas Pink.
	Thomas Pink.
	There's your answer.
	Very high quality.
	Dude.
	Okay, you ready?
	Yep.
	I'm a young guy in my early 20s, and I recently banged a woman who was in her mid-40s.
	I meant to older women.
	Go nuts, buddy, but eventually you have to sort of settle down and get a ring on a real woman.
	Women in their 40s are just fuckbags, ruined by feminism.
	We had a bang session for about an hour, and out of that hour, I probably ate her pussy for 20 to 25 minutes total.
	Three different points throughout the fuck session.
	That's a great way to last, too.
	To stop the presses and getting mongin.
	After I licked her pussy for about 10 minutes, I was thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing right now?
	After we were done, I felt gross.
	The fornication session was supposed to be 2.3, I mean, two and a half hours, but I faked a sick stomach because I felt so gross.
	I did get a, what is this guy talking about?
	Like, he thinks eating pussies?
	Is this a black guy?
	Is this a Rastafarian?
	I did get a nut three times, so that was nice, and I spummed on her face.
	I didn't use a condom, but I did pull out the other two times.
	She said she can get prego, but you never know.
	I had to go to a burger place to get the taste of her out of my mouth.
	Yuck.
	While I was eating my burger, I was thinking, okay, that's not going to happen again.
	Me fucking this bitch.
	But now three days later, I'm thinking, actually, it wasn't that bad.
	Advice?
	Thoughts?
	P.S. Is it Brian or Ryan?
	The man's name is Ryan.
	Yeah.
	That's not a tough one.
	And I don't understand this letter.
	Is this guy not familiar with pussy eating?
	Like, he just tried it and he thinks it's weird and he doesn't know that other people do it?
	Or did her pussy stink?
	P.U. That's pretty rare you get a stinky pussy.
	Yeah, not a lot of stinkers on the street.
	I dated one girl who had like a 5% stinky pussy and it was awesome because I was in love with her.
	So it was more flavor to savor.
	Yeah.
	But there are those ones that just reek.
	I don't think I've ever eaten one.
	Although I will say eating out a pussy when you're not into her is one of the grossest things in the world because it's like your face is in a wound.
	I was just about, yeah.
	I bet sucking a dick of someone you're not into isn't as bad.
	I mean, obviously, if you're a woman who's straight, I don't mean as a dude.
	Because it's not a cavern of innards.
	Yeah, like I had this girl come to visit me in Montreal and she had a terrible time and she ended up leaving early.
	And she sucked me off, though, as like, I guess I should do this just to get this guy out of my hair.
	Cavern of Innards are playing at the Mercula.
	Cavern of Innards.
	You like that?
	So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, sir.
	If you think eating pussy's gross, then you're weird.
	And if her pussy's stank, well, then she's weird.
	She stank.
	Sorry, I don't know what that was.
	This guy is Armand.
	Armand Alto.
	And he says, is this the America's Tommy Robinson?
	And then he shows me a link.
	Navy SEAL family says Navy's subverting Trump's order on Eddie Gallagher.
	An accused Navy SEAL is seemingly being held captive by the Navy ahead of his trial in May, despite an order from President Donald Trump last month that SEAL chief Eddie Gallagher be moved from the brig to a less restrictive barracks at the Marine Corps Air Station.
	And what the fuck did this guy do?
	Swear?
	Use a racial epithet?
	I have reasonable belief offenses trial, blah, blah, blah.
	And the restraint.
	What offenses did he do?
	You look that up.
	Offenses that this Navy...
	G-A-L-L-A-G-H-E-R.
	Navy SEAL.
	He looks like a real man.
	Yeah.
	Fuck the police's boss.
	Fuck the top brass in the military.
	This is something the left needs to understand.
	The cops and the grunts, they have no power.
	I know a million cops.
	The NYC 9, I can't do shit for them.
	The cops I know can't help.
	They go, this is way over my pay grade.
	They have as much power on the streets as you and I do.
	Yes, they can give out tickets.
	Yes, they can shoot someone.
	If they're not doing it justified, they're going to jail for the rest of their lives.
	People never talk about that.
	Like, what was his name?
	Abner Luima, who got that pole shoved up his ass, that plunger, the wood part of the plunger, they shoved it up his ass during an interrogation.
	Yeah.
	Justin Volpe is still in prison for that.
	He was caught and punished.
	Abner Luima was shot.
	Yeah, the cops, he refused to put his hands up.
	The cops pulled out a wallet.
	No, sorry, Amadou Diallo pulled out a black wallet the exact same way you would a black revolver.
	And yes, he was shot something like 40 times in a matter of maybe three seconds.
	There was six guys shooting at once.
	And when they realized they'd shot an innocent man, they were crying.
	It was an accident.
	It was not done for sport, you fucking dumbasses.
	Well, what Eddie Gallagher did was he allegedly stabbed to death an Islamic State prisoner.
	Okay.
	Remind me to care about that at some point.
	And what were the details?
	Like, was it just pure sadism?
	Because that would be bad for business because then the jihadists would stab our guys.
	That's why I had to be worried about that.
	But remember, there were those dudes who were pissing on dead Taliban soldiers, and the Taliban soldiers blew themselves up while developing a bomb to kill military.
	That happens all the time, by the way.
	Anyone who makes bombs is going to blow up at some point.
	And these guys had blowed themselves up real good.
	And so the military guys were pissing on the cadavers.
	What the fuck's the matter with that?
	Remember that big controversy?
	I think it was that black guy, Alan West, who said, shut your mouth, war is hell.
	And we said those guys should be punished for doing that.
	They should pay a $100 fine and be denied beer for over three days.
	Now, I don't know the deal with this stabbing, but I don't believe that soldiers just randomly stab people for a laugh.
	Look him up on Wikipedia.
	Who that?
	This guy Eddie Gallagher?
	Yeah.
	Well, I found that prosecutors contend that he murdered the teenage ISIS detainee on May 3rd, 2017, near the Iraq city of Mosul before opposing with the corpse during a macabre re-enlistment ceremony.
	They also alleged that he gunned down unwitting civilians with a sniper rifle, bragged about racking up kills, and threatened to intimidate and publicly out SEALs who complained to superiors and investigators about him.
	But I also read that his defense, like his defense attorneys allege that these military prosecutors are going after them, and emails and documents support that.
	Yeah, I don't know this case, so I can't comment on it, but I have seen so much abuse that the grunts take.
	And by the way, I've seen grunt rats ratting out other grunts for being proud boys, for saying something offensive, for saying something sexist.
	These are the guys that are supposed to die with you in the trenches.
	So all of this rulemongering is starting to invite pussies into the police force and the military.
	And these guys are rats and snitches who can't wait to fuck over their fellow brother.
	That's why I said on that other podcast that the police as a thing is done.
	I mean, I see these fat woman.
	There was like an axe murder on the weekend.
	And this black woman holding the murder weapon.
	Her legs were tree trunks.
	She had my torso for legs.
	And who the fuck is she going to chase down the street?
	What are you showing me?
	This is an attachment for this Marie.
	She says this guy's worse than the Disneyland loser, if you will.
	I think I found a guy that you're going to love to hate.
	$100, he's pretty damn close to the Disneyland buddy boy.
	Was he it?
	Yeah, but you don't have it ready, so I bet it's not going to be queued up here.
	I've got to come out right on the first day.
	I didn't vote.
	And the reason I didn't vote was because of the work that I do.
	I couldn't vote.
	Well, first off, I've never voted for Democrats, so it was hard to vote for Hillary Clinton because I've never voted for Human.
	I couldn't vote for Trump.
	And my wife and I, it's the first time we've ever not voted.
	We just said we can't.
	We have to be able to say forever and ever in perpetuity that we did not vote.
	We just are not taking sides on this.
	We're going to take all sides.
	I didn't vote for Obama.
	Twice, I didn't vote for Obama.
	So you're thinking like, oh, there's this race guy.
	He's teaching about race and so on.
	Dude, Obama, no, I didn't vote for Obama.
	He seems like a fruit basket.
	He just seems like every other professor.
	He teaches a class of race and culture.
	What a waste of fucking time.
	How deep into debt are those losers going to learn some asshole virtue signal about race and culture?
	God damn, how boring.
	He has another video called Dating Scene for Asian Americans.
	I think I've seen that.
	Really?
	Okay.
	I'll check that out later.
	Yeah, I've always said to Asian Americans, guys, you have a bad rep. You're known as pussies, and I'm not saying that's true.
	You're known as guys who have small dicks.
	I'm not saying that's true.
	This is just the hand you've been dealt.
	So Asian men, if you're out there, first of all, dick size doesn't really matter.
	I've never, I hear women, I've been hearing women talk and gossip.
	I've had female friends.
	I've heard talk of small dicks like maybe three times.
	And they were the smallest dicks imaginable.
	Women don't really talk about cocks that much.
	They're just a tool to get the job done.
	Those bitches want to.
	So no one's like, oh, I need a huge cock.
	I've heard fag say that.
	But you don't really hear a woman going, yeah, I don't know.
	It's been a while.
	I could really do with a big 10-inch earth-shattering super rod to fuck the shit out of me.
	Super rod.
	I'm going to write.
	They're playing at the Mercury Lounge as well.
	I have this whole list of band names, by the way.
	Let's hear them.
	Okay.
	Starting with page number one.
	Sister's Brother, Away We Go, Brute Evolution, Hungry Snatch, Tiger Piss, Apples and Eaves, Back to the Floor, Whiskey Crossing, Diaper Chug, Bryce and the Dallas 4, Mother's Garden, Once a Loser, Umbilical Lord, Vesuvius Clinch, that was you.
	Coward Clone, Dig Around, Treating Their Feet, Winner Circle, Forget Me Do, Howard You Doin', Jonesin' for a Bonesin, Staple Leaf, Soggy Sailor, Color Me Stinky, Zapton Kurdock, Flish Plish, Oogie Boogie, Collapse of Colossus.
	Flish plush, Oogie Boogie?
	What are you doing?
	I don't know.
	Moldy Butthole, Clap Trap, Women Winging It, Delicate Shit Cramps, Idiotic Puppet.
	I like delicate shit cramps.
	Yes.
	Corey Booker's Baby Bond.
	He's My Satan.
	Maximum Organs.
	Cavern of Innards.
	And the list keeps on growing.
	A lot of those suck shit.
	Some of them could be.
	What are you doing?
	I'm just seeing, no, no.
	That's what a dog would come up with.
	I'm thinking that that is a band.
	Like, half of these are, I believe they're a band.
	I always thought Wolfgang was a good name for a band, and then I looked it up and it's been taken.
	You know what I always wanted to do?
	Just call yourselves the Rolling Stones, but spell it like E-Z.
	People will think you're a Rolling Stones cover band, and then they see you and you're not.
	Or you know what a cool name for a band would be?
	Guys, you can have this.
	Jennifer Anniston.
	That's the name of the band.
	Yeah.
	It has to be guys.
	You can't have any women in the band.
	And you're just like a hard rock band named Jennifer Anniston.
	You could spell it weird so she can't sue you.
	Or spell it the same.
	Fuck them.
	Yeah.
	So they'd see a flyer and it would say, holy fuck, Jennifer Aniston is playing at our shitty local bar this weekend.
	That's great.
	Okay, we're running out of time here.
	This one's from Cole Cochran.
	I like how people won't tell me their real names.
	Do you really think you're going to get fired because you listened to a podcast and sent in a letter?
	What's the charge?
	Listening to evil stuff.
	One of the best things about being deployed to war is the subject.
	And then it says, is when you get letters like this.
	And then it's a letter that's written by someone whose writing makes it look like they are maybe nine, nine or ten.
	I'm judging this by the way my kids write.
	And it says in the little kid writing, Dear soldier, I wish you luck and good tidings.
	Thank you for serving in the army and protecting our country from people who are out of their minds.
	Love Private James Smith.
	And then he says, I received this just before Christmas 2012 at the age of 24 while leading a 30-man route clearance platoon in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.
	Oh, that just made me nauseous.
	Imagine fucking being in that war and just knowing that any second, pew, you could get shot in the head.
	My platoon worked for the British military and our job was to find IEDs before they found us.
	Hardest job ever.
	While in country, I heard about a depressed pun.
	Gavin, are you familiar with this story?
	If not, enjoy.
	And then he sends me a link to something called Depressed Pun, which is a great name for a band.
	Ryan?
	What is it called again?
	Depraved what?
	Depressed.
	D-I-P-P-R-A-S-A-D Pun.
	Depressid Pun.
	It's a Nepalese sergeant of the Royal Gurkha Rifles who was decorated with a conspicuous gallantry cross for an act of bravery during the war in Afghanistan.
	Pun, then an acting sergeant, single-handedly defeated 12 to 30 Taliban insurgents who were storming his control post near Babaj in Helmland province.
	Damn.
	Depressed Pun.
	I'm familiar with the Gurkhas.
	You know what the Gurkhas are?
	It's like a burka, but...
	The Gurkhas were fucking savages.
	I've been saying savages a lot, and my mother-in-law is completely Indian, and I sometimes wonder if I'm offending her.
	Yeah, the Gurkhas were badass little midgets.
	They were not tall, and they had these little machete blades, and they would go into absolutely any battle situation and always win.
	They were Nepalese.
	They were technically British because they were citizens of British India.
	But the Brits used them all over the world.
	And they were recently fighting to be recognized as British soldiers, which they should be.
	But they're just like the Scots.
	Like, just an absolute fucking band of perfect fighters.
	Anyway, I think we're out of time here.
	Let's do one more letter, and then we're going to wrap it up.
	We're also going to say thank you to bet DSI, betdsi.com forward slash Gavin.
	Please make sure you deposit 25 bucks or something, and you'll get, you'll double your money right there.
	You'll double your money right there.
	Okay, this better be good, dude.
	I have not read this letter yet.
	It's from Ollie White.
	Brexit angst.
	Hey, Gavin Raw, big fan.
	Just wanted to know what you think of what's happening with Brexit.
	If you've been keeping up with it, have my opinions.
	What it seems to me, and I think most ordinary Brits, Theresa May is a spineless, treacherous cunt who hates her own country and our own politicians in general seem to hate the only way of doing Brexit properly, the only way which would actually fulfill the results of the referendum, which is to have a no deal.
	Yeah, I cannot believe Nigel Farage was grinning.
	He won Brexit.
	I was ecstatic because it finally showed that the British working class were having some influence.
	And now they're just reversing it.
	They're saying, yeah, we're not really going to do it.
	They wanted to have a second referendum.
	Britain is pissing me off these days.
	There is, you know, there was never, there was no middle class around when I was born.
	There was the rich and the poor and nothing in between.
	And then Thatcher came along, liberated the markets, and all of a sudden there was a middle class.
	All of a sudden, you can go from poor to rich, just like in America.
	And it worked out great.
	The 80s were wonderful.
	People bitch.
	British people bitch about the 80s, like in that movie, This Is England.
	It was a terrible time.
	We had no future.
	That's why we had to have punk, because there was no future.
	And then there was the Falklands, where a thousand people died.
	I'm not trivializing the death of those soldiers, but that's not the biggest count when it comes to wars.
	Thatcher had no choice.
	They took a British colony.
	You have to take it back.
	You can't have my British colonies without my permission.
	And the reason they had punk is because they had music, because they had bands, because they had prosperity, because they could afford instruments.
	80s Britain was thriving, you fuckheads.
	And now we have this incredible disdain the middle class has for the working class.
	They don't know any working class people.
	Tommy Robinson is a virulent racist to them.
	And he has trial after trial for the same fucking charge, which is contempt of court, which is jaywalking.
	He's going back.
	He's going to the old Bailey again next month, May 13th.
	Back on trial for being rude in court, for filming a suspect.
	Yeah, 40 days and 30 pounds lost.
	And I don't mean money, I mean weight.
	Wasn't good enough.
	Let's send him back to prison.
	The British people vote for breakfast and they get it shoved up their ass.
	That's not a democracy.
	Britain is not a democracy.
	Is that kind of negative?
	A negative ending?
	Sometimes you have to be.
	Well, I'm not trying to be negative.
	I'm pissed off.
	I'm mad at Britain and the system over there.
	And as a, I was born in Britain.
	It's my people.
	I'm going to head up there for Tommy's trial.
	We should both go, Ryan.
	We should, and we will.
	The Old Bailey, by the way, is the highest court in the land.
	It's for, if you're a mass shooter, you'll go to the Old Bailey.
	It's only for heinous crimes, murders, triple murders.
	Actually, I don't even think if you murder one guy, it'll go to the old Bailey.
	I believe it has to be like a triple homicide or something.
	And then there's Tommy sitting there contempt of court.
	What the fuck?
	With their stupid white powdered wigs.
	Do you know how ridiculous you look with your little gray crew cut and your Miss Lollipop white wig?
	What are you wearing on your fucking head?
	Has anyone ever had that hairdo?
	Like, I think wigs are idiotic, obviously.
	But at least Ben Franklin was wearing a wig that someone once had.
	It was long white hair.
	You have a crew cut on the top, and then these weird like rolls coming down this side.
	What?
	No one's ever had that hairdo.
	It's a weird curly mullet.
	And that's all the judges and magistrates and barristers.
	Fuck off.
	No, women have them too.
	All lawyers and judges have to wear those idiotic wigs in court.
	They look preposterous.
	And Tommy's running for office.
	I think he's running for, what is it, the European Union?
	Wouldn't that be awesome?
	Running for, what is he running for?
	MEP?
	UKIP MP.
	That would make...
	That's why, you know, when you want to get to the epicenter of the cuntiness of the British elites is when Tommy was getting busted.
	Alex Jones showed this.
	Someone took a picture of this judge.
	I think he had on his ridiculous little wig, too.
	And he was smirking as they dragged Tommy and put him in the paddy wagon.
	Not knowing what was going on, just knowing that it was Tommy and that he had been arrested and just smirking at him.
	Fuck the establishment.
	So yeah, there's one takeaway I want people to get here.
	It's that I think it's very healthy to hate the establishment, to hate the elites.
	Just know that the cops and the grunts are not associated with it.
	The elites, the top brass, the chief of police, treats police as human fodder.
	They throw them at problems.
	They let them die.
	And then they fire them lest they get embarrassed by this cops or this grunts or this Navy SEAL's behavior.
	They're on our side.
	They don't have power.
	They don't have authority.
	They get fucked over the same way we do.
	It frustrates me when they portrayed as the enemy.
	All right, is that it?
	I would think so.
	Did you check your text message for me?
	What, you got a secret?
	It's not good to tell secrets.
	It's rude.
	I'm going to say this secret, whatever it is.
	I'm going to spill the beans.
	You sent me a picture of a black Jewish man.
	Yeah?
	That's it.
	Folks at home, while Ryan was researching a Hasidic Jew who's in the NYPD, he found a black Hasidic Jew and he sent me a picture of him.
	That is how, that's Ryan's brain.
	Like, he's a dog.
	He's just like a doggy.
	This is a particularly funny picture, I thought.
	That reminded me of this.
	Hey, Ryan, I just want to say you might not be smart enough to talk as much as you are permitted on the show.
	You are considerably better off than about 90% of the people I work with.
	I cannot imagine what Gavin would say if the people I work with were at any of the companies he started worked for him.
	Nice grammar, dude.
	Essentially, what I'm hoping to communicate is that you're probably the smartest person on the short bus.
	Ah, that's very nice.
	That's a nice compliment.
	I was in the retard class.
	Me too.
	We both have that in common.
	Yes.
	All right.

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