#131 | And the best part of that is you get Dragon Rice
Though this episode appears to be a wandering mess, there is an important thread throughout which is: We need to be more responsible for ourselves and stop relying on others to solve our problems. Don’t call AAA. Don’t call the cops. Don’t wait for someone to come fix your flat tire. Bribe a tow truck to do it off the books. We also answer letters about child rape in the Catholic church, dads who go to Disneyland alone, bad marriages, and farting.
That's what a guy at the gym was saying to me today.
And then someone else at the gym overheard that and he goes, so was this guy fucking his aunt or his sister?
Do you know what's going on there?
Can you untangle that mess?
That sounds like the epitome of out of context stuff.
I have no idea.
Well, first of all, you don't have your ear to the ground, by the way, as a person.
I don't watch Game of Thrones, but apparently there was some big, and this is a spoiler alert, some big revelation where the two main guys are friends.
Like they grew up together, Batman and Robin, basically.
I mean, Batman and Superman turned out to be friends.
And then the main guy goes, wait a minute, that means if I'm a Targudsley, then a Targalien, then that means my girlfriend is actually my aunt.
I've been fucking my aunt.
So that was that.
But I had to say that I don't watch Game of Thrones.
And then the only reason I know all this is because I check Twitter moments regularly.
That's all I'm allowed to do on Twitter is look at the moments.
And by the way, when you watch when you only check Twitter for Twitter moments, you realize what a shithole Twitter's become and what unbelievable pussies everyone is.
And they've gotten rid of anyone, any sort of antagonizers.
So it's just a bunch of Moms.
It's just Barbara Streisand.
Men, too.
All men on Twitter right now sound like Barbara Streisand.
And the way they talk about Hillary still, and the way they talk about Trump, and the way they do this weird thing with black people where they idolize them in a really fetishistic It's a fetish, the way they worship these black people.
And it just seems to me to be patronizing.
Like they're little cute little dragons.
Little ugly little dragons.
Like there was some video of some basketball player, and he's got his baby with him, and she's sneezing.
As babies do, they usually have a bunch in a row.
And he's like, oh, bless you, bless you.
Oh, here comes another.
Oh, there we go.
It's very cute.
But then all these... Oh, way to go.
Leave your phone on.
There's all these people on Twitter, comedians and stuff, who don't watch sports, going, oh my god, I love her!
Just freaking out about this black baby.
In a way, that if I was black, I'd go, yeah, yeah, don't do that.
Don't do that.
You're overdoing it.
It's too cute.
You know what I mean?
I do.
I got a letter from a guy in the south who said there's this thing going on where liberal southerners, which I don't like, by the way, it's a general rule, at least liberal northerners, you get it.
It's sort of like that Australian dude who I said has a small penis, the Indian guy, Pakistani guy, his wife is a white woman who is converted to Islam and she wears a burqa, she wears a little hijab thing, and that just really bothers me.
White woman with no accent wearing a hijab is annoying.
It's annoying to see someone go back in time.
I don't mind if they're from that culture.
It's like, you know, a Hasidic Jew.
You go, well, that's how you grew up.
But for someone to get into covering their hair from not having to cover their hair, it's like, why are you going backwards?
You silly cow.
And he said these liberal Southerners are adopting black kids.
And so they'll have the birth kid and the black kid and then all the other southerners, also liberals, when they see this woman out with her one little black kid, which is an accessory at the end of the day.
I'm not saying every white family with the black kid is using them as an accessory.
I know plenty.
I know, I think, at least two couples that have adopted black kids because that's all there was.
That's all that's available, unless you're a rich gay guy like Perez Hilton.
You just gotta go with what there is and there's way more black babies open for adoption than white babies.
That's a great thing, to adopt a kid.
But, I don't like it when it's used as an accessory.
It's still better than nothing for the black kid, I guess.
But it's kind of gross.
Anyway, he was telling me that they fawn over this kid and they go, oh my god, look at her, what an angel, what a sweet angel, oh my god, that's so beautiful, what a beautiful, love her pigtails and whatever fucking little do she has.
And they ignore the other biological kid next to her and the biological kid must be sitting there going, what am I, chopped liver?
The fuck's the matter with me?
Anyway, I have to get back to the original out of context thing.
The guy I was talking to was saying the best thing about winning a fight is you get dragon rice.
And I understand that to mean you got to lose a lot of weight often to get into class, especially if you're about 176 pounds, you're now a heavyweight.
You don't want to be that.
You want to get down to 174 so you can fight in your class.
Or you could be fighting Butterbean.
A 176 pound dude could be fighting Butterbean.
That's not good.
So you got to lose all this weight and a lot of these boxers when they're finally done their match they're thrilled to go out and eat because they can get back up to their normal weight.
They've been in this grumpy skinny weight.
So I get it.
You want to go out and get a big Chinese food.
Chinese dinner.
You want to get rice balls and egg rolls and dragon rice.
And I go, what's... I come up to him later after we're done training and I go, so how is dragon rice different than other rice?
And he goes, what the fuck are you talking about?
And I go, you said that it's great to be done a fight because you get to eat dragon rice.
He goes, I said bragging rights, asshole.
You know, I was like, maybe he meant dragging rice, where you take a big sack of rice and you drag it and you lose weight.
Which is more retarded.
God, you're dumb.
How is that a celebration?
The best thing about a fight is you get to drag a bag of rice.
There is no country in the world poor enough where dragging a bag of rice is seen as fun.
Or a good thing.
When my dad was a kid he was so poor that he thought the conical pieces of wood that hold paper rolls on the printing press.
My dad's family all worked at the newspaper plant, like printing newspapers, tabloids.
I think the whole concept of tabloid came from Glasgow, by the way.
Um, and those little cones they would wear out.
And so my grandfather would take them home and my, my uncles and my dad thought they were toys until someone came over and goes, these aren't toys.
This is just wood garbage in your house.
Um, so even that, that poor of a person who has wood garbage as toys would not want to drag a bag of rice.
Yes, or bragging rights.
Okay, so that's that, that was just really clickbait to get people to... What are you doing?
Dragging rice is a thing though.
Uh, I didn't know that.
It sounds like you, did you know what dragging rice was before you said that or you looked it up afterwards?
It's a superb source of soluble and insoluble fiber.
No, rice is.
No, black dragon rice, specifically.
No.
Yeah, it's a thing.
Black dragon rice is just the name of the brand.
You're falling for the pitch of the people who own that particular brand of rice.
There's nothing special about that particular brand of rice.
Alright, let's talk about what's really important here.
Why the fuck are you dressed like Flava Flav won the lottery today?
Oh, me?
Yes.
I don't know.
It's a white t-shirt.
No, I'm not talking about you.
You're $12,000 in debt.
I hooked you up with debt management people and they came up with a payment plan and then you stopped talking to them because you realize you can't even do their insane payment plan that cuts your debt into what, 60%?
That's not actually true.
I spoke to a friend of mine.
No, before that!
You know, I started the process and then he said stop it.
Because you're going to cut out the middleman, you're going to negotiate with the uh...
Wow, this is just a really boring way of repeating what I just said.
before that it's just a little extra work all you gotta do is talk them down yes to uh maybe 30 ideally okay and uh so you destroy your your credit first and then you build your credit back up with these revolving door type credit loans and such and so forth wow this is just a really boring way of repeating what i just said and then you realize you can't do any kind of payment plan you don't have any money
and then last week you couldn't buy a train ticket or food because you were 700 in debt on your immediate checking account not not Not including your $12,000 debt.
So then I pay you a bunch of money for jobs you haven't even done yet.
They're getting there.
Just to get the money in the bank.
And I think, well, at least you can pay off his $700 and be able to eat food again.
And I guess he'll eventually complete these projects he was just paid for.
And then I walk in.
And you look like a rich black guy.
What you mean to say is enrich?
You're wearing fluorescent yellow brand new sneakers.
Frozen yellow.
A giant gold chain.
And after buying two Carhartt hats the last time we went out for lunch.
I lost one.
You have a new Carhartt hat.
It's the one I was telling you about.
You're out buying hats.
Gotta have plenty of hats.
Free delivery.
So why are you shopping?
What did we go over in that last podcast?
We said there's a list of five criteria.
The first one is, can I afford it?
You can't afford anything.
Fair enough.
Then you give me this cockamamie story about how you didn't like the headphones you got because they were too, I don't know, hip-hop.
I didn't say I didn't like them.
They just weren't suitable for my lifestyle and my needs.
So we returned them.
Stop correcting me when I'm right, okay?
That's annoying.
I like them, just fine.
Whatever.
And then you got $200 back.
All that goes in the hole, my friend.
You don't have $200.
If I gave you $12,001 right now, how much money do you have?
$1?
$1.
Sure.
The back of your head right now looks like a retarded puppet.
What does that mean?
The hole where your hair comes out looks like a gaping mouth, the Carhartt logo looks like a nose, and then those two perforated holes in the top, they look like the eyes.
Can you take a picture?
So I'm talking to this idiotic puppet right now.
Which is what you are.
Idiotic puppets playing at the Merc Lau.
I'm writing that one down, too.
Yeah, I came with a band name.
What was that called?
Delicate Shit Cramps.
Yeah, because I think I had some sort of mild food poisoning this weekend.
Me too!
I was walking down the stairs and I sort of went, uh oh, and I had like sharp pains.
You can tell are shit pains.
And I thought, ooh, I got to tread lightly here.
I got sort of delicate shit cramps.
And then I realized that's a great name for a band.
There's been a bug going around.
You should have seen the pint of diarrhea that came out of my ass on Saturday night.
Take a picture of the back of my puppet?
Yep.
Back of your puppet.
So why did you go shopping?
Well, it was my birthday and I got some extra cash.
Gay?
No, you don't have extra cash, Ryan!
It looked like I had some extra cash.
I know, but that's how babies think.
I see the puppet.
Our viewers at home don't understand what the puppet is, so drop all visual references.
By the way, I was talking to some guys at the gym, we were listening to the podcast, and they're in a rainstorm, and you had that car sound effect, and they almost crashed.
So delete that sound effect right now.
I've noticed this when people have siren sound effects in the car, it fucked me up.
Is that really funny to you?
It's so fucked up.
They were screaming.
Me just pressing a button and it just changes somebody's life for a second.
No, they were screaming.
There was wrecked cars all over the road.
Oh no.
It was one of those, it was one of those buckets of water rainfalls where you can't use your windshield.
You have to look outside in the rain.
Was that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember that day if they're in this area.
It was bombing.
They're in North Carolina, I told you.
Oh, never mind.
Because this weekend it was bombing rain.
Are you folks at home equally exasperated by him getting 101% of the things he says wrong?
Hey, you started talking to me.
Can you delete that sound effect now, please?
Don't play it first.
No, it's all muted.
Everything's muted.
I'm trying to right-click it.
No, I just won't press that one.
Right, I won't press that one anymore.
By the way, I had a car incident this weekend, and being a New Yorker for the past 20 years It does suck.
There's a lot of bad things about New York.
Everyone stinks.
There's bums everywhere.
It's violent.
There's shit and puke everywhere.
And the New York that you see as a tourist when you go to Times Square, it's still pretty shitty.
Like, go to Times Square, which is pretty much the nicest New York gets.
Go to Times Square at 3 in the morning, and you'll see people with shit on their legs sleeping on the streets.
They get shooed out.
As the sun comes up, but New York, uh, Times Square in the middle of the night is still pretty gross, and that's the best it gets.
When you get into the South Bronx, where Ryan grew up, and the fucking potholes, it is Iraq.
There's parts of the South Bronx, I'm not exaggerating, that are indistinguishable from downtown Congo.
Like, shithole countries.
The roads, they don't even have potholes.
They're not even roads.
You can't describe them as potholes, because there's no part where it's a normal road.
A pothole is a beautiful road, and then there's a hole.
Oh no, the beautiful road's not here.
And then it's back to beautiful road.
The South Bronx is just like, it's a dirt road made of cement, basically.
There's no part, you couldn't possibly ride a skateboard more than six inches.
In the South Bronx.
Anyway, that's not why I brought this up.
So I'm driving down this disgusting shitty city in my beautiful BMW and BANG!
I hit some giant piece of cement that's like a guitar.
Imagine a cement guitar lying on the road.
And what I think it was I think it came from the overpass.
I was going underneath an overpass in the park and I think all infrastructure in America is crumbling because it doesn't sound cool for politicians to say, I'm going to fix that broken bridge.
They want, no, no, no.
I want like a committee for reparations or Cory Booker's thing, the baby bonds, where every baby in America gets a thousand bucks.
And then depending on how poor you are, it could lead to a $50,000 as you get older, we'll just keep putting money in it.
The poorer you are, the bigger your Cory Booker's baby bond is until guess what happens?
There's no poverty in America.
This is from a guy who lived in and grew up in a neighborhood so white that his parents had to get sponsors to move there.
I think they had to have a white guy sign the lease.
And that's not an example of racism.
That's an example of rich.
That's how fucking rich he is.
So he clearly doesn't understand economics or how money works.
You can't give people, giving people, poor people $50,000 is not how it works.
In fact, that's in the movie Idiocracy.
Where the president, what's he called?
Camachi Poop Chain?
Camacho, not Mountain Dew, Sanchez I think.
Yeah, yeah.
He gives everyone a million dollars.
He just prints a bunch more money.
So, we should call Cory Booker Camacho Sanchez Mountain Dew.
Here's President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
That is so over the top.
That reminds me of back when Sarah Silverman was funny.
She said Dwayne Reed must be the richest black guy in the country.
So yeah, being a New Yorker makes you tenacious and it also makes you a libertarian because no one's gonna do anything for you.
So you have zero faith in the system, zero faith in the legal system even, and you just sort of handle it yourself.
You don't ever just sort of wait in line.
You sort of see, is this the line?
Like another, living in New York for 20 years, or I assume 20 plus, I mean, native born New Yorkers are obviously way more tenacious than I am.
But whenever there's a big lineup, you go, you have one person stay at your spot in the line, then you go to the front of the line and you make triple sure this is the line for the thing that you're going to.
But when you don't grow up like that, you just sort of sit in the line, you do what you're supposed to, you wait, because you trust that other people know what they're doing.
This is what bugs me about all this Trump hate.
He's not presidential.
Yeah, fuck the president.
Fuck the White House.
The White House is just a big DMV.
You shouldn't have any faith in the government.
You know those cunts at the post office and at the DMV that won't stop talking about their break and how they can't wait to go home?
That's the White House.
That's the top of the country.
That's the top politicians.
That's Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi is exactly the same as that grumpy bitch at the DMV.
She's just a better hustler, and she makes hundreds of millions instead of, you know, $50,000.
And they get paid well, by the way, these government employees.
Their fucking pensions are nuts.
Pensions.
Baby boomers keep arguing why they deserve a better pension and Gen X and everyone below them goes, what the fuck's a pension?
Anyway.
Yeah, the thing I like about Trump is he is a shitty president.
I don't like the president.
I want a stick of dynamite in there.
I want a pit bull in there.
I want a bull in a China shop.
I hate the China shop.
I want it destroyed.
He's Guy Fawkes.
We're not there going, finally a president who's like, people show us his tweets and go, see, he's an asshole.
And I go, yeah, that's what we voted for.
No, this guy's fucking Darth Vader.
Good.
I hope he chokes you.
I hope his stormtroopers kill all you Jedis.
Make no mistake.
The empire is white nationalism.
Remember that tweet?
That was the writer from Star Wars.
Put that out.
Make no mistake.
Way to ruin Star Wars, you dunce.
There's racism everywhere.
It's really fucking bad.
You know this FBI stats about white nationalist crimes being on the rise?
You know, they totally ignore all jihadi crimes and they, uh, they, uh, Here's an example of a white nationalist crime in the FBI statistics.
Some redneck who's in the KKK is cheating on his wife who's also in the KKK.
She kills him.
That's listed as a white nationalist crime.
Now technically, sure, that is a white nationalist and they did do a crime and so you could argue it's a white nationalist crime.
Does that mean if a black guy steals a pack of gum it's black crime?
You can't have it both ways, dumbasses.
Isn't that technically a crime against a white nationalist, too?
Yeah, they're the victims.
White nationalists are getting killed.
I'm going to start shooting the show, by the way.
Tonight we should shoot an episode.
Okay.
Because I want, when we launch this new site, for there to be eight billion shows.
I hate when someone launches a site.
Actually, the thing worse than that is someone launches a site and it just says, coming soon.
You notice that on Twitter pages where they go, I'm the CEO of Gavco.
Yeah.
And then you click on gavco.com and it says coming soon.
Yeah.
You go, awesome!
Yeah, it sucks too when like, I'll see an advertisement on Instagram for a really cool thing, and you click on it, it's like Kickstarter, it's like, we need your help to make this.
It's like, can it just exist?
I want one.
Yeah.
You know, it doesn't exist yet.
Fuck you.
What's the matter with the free market, by the way?
Anyway, by the way, I have an entrance stone there, I'm off on so many tangents.
There was that black baby where she goes, I love this so much.
And then that annoying guy, Paul Joseph Tompkins, you know who he is?
Oh yeah.
He was in Mr. Show.
I met him once.
Paul Tompkins.
Paul Tompkins.
He's such a cock pussy.
He's the guy who said about me a long time ago when that October shit was really raging.
He goes, um, someone needs to look into how failed comics end up being attracted to white nationalism.
So his argument was, A, I'm a white nationalist, and B, I was driven to that horrible way to be by failing in comedy.
Sort of like Hitler, they always say he failed at painting, that's why he became the head of the Nazis.
And I was like, what a retarded theory.
What a stupid, yeah, okay, let's look into that, Paul.
Paul F. Tompkins, yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins, but he was another one, and this is a perfect example of This patronizing way liberals talk about blacks that just smells of insincerity and you can sort of tell they don't have black friends.
So the woman, her name is Megan Gailey, and she was the one, it was Matthias, at Matthias A-R-R-S-T Oh no, that was already someone going, insert Snoop Dogg meme.
This is the cutest shit I've ever seen with the black baby.
And then the other white person's like, I love her!
And then later on, same day, oh actually same moment, Paul F. Tompkins retweets this picture from some dude in the Brooklyn Nets, and he looks like an absolute lunatic.
You know how these basketball players, what they hire, it's the weirdest thing, they hire someone to dress them.
And inevitably, this gay stylist will give them a purse.
They always have a little clutch.
A little Louis Vuitton clutch.
Which is downright embarrassing.
What is in that thing?
Your toothbrush?
Didn't you brush your teeth this morning, basketball player?
What the fuck is in there, deodorant?
What is in your little clutch?
Your iPhone?
A man's pants come with four pockets.
That's wallet in one back pocket, iPhone in another, and then your two sets of car keys.
Car keys are too big now, because they give you a fucking computer that's $600, but you have one in each pocket.
Plus, you're a basketball player.
You have a driver.
You don't have car keys.
Anyway, these dumbasses have a stylist dress them and these stylists, it almost looks like they're playing a prank on these guys because they dress them up like utter clowns.
So this is the Brooklyn Nets and the hashtag everyday 100.
Which even that sounds kind of weird, patronizing.
But he's got on leopard-skin pants, a fedora with a gold band, tons of gold around his neck, like Mr. T-Levels, and then a black lace shirt with two-tone shoes.
He looks like an idiotic pimp from 1972.
Right?
And you go, well, some stylist is having fun at your expense, you fucking ridiculous clown.
And Paul F. Tompkins tweets out, I don't know basketball, but I know what I like.
You like leopard skin pants on a black dude?
It's like, you might as well go up to a black guy and say, hey, I was jerking off to porn the other day, and there was four black guys on this one white chick, and I loved it.
I watched it, and I absolutely thought it was awesome.
So in other words, I basically beat off to you.
So what do you think of that?
Pretty cool, right?
Am I still racist?
That's pretty cool of me, right?
I feel good about myself now.
I'm liking black stuff.
And that's Twitter.
Like another Twitter moment was Idris Elba DJing at Coachella is proof that he can do anything!
Imagine that's so gay.
Like there must be black dudes going, hey man, uh, I don't like the way you're talking about me.
It makes me really uncomfortable.
Any hizzle.
To get back to this original point, it isn't as interesting as these tangents.
The tangents are always better than the original point.
As Cormac McCarthy writes in The Road, there is no joy at the tavern as great as the road thereto.
But yeah, living in New York for 20 years makes you better at emergencies.
You're calmer and you have your hustle on.
So I hit this goddamn piece of cement, this cement guitar, and instantly my tire's out.
And that's, you notice your brain, I do this when I wet the bed sometimes, which is still a common occurrence when I drink.
You go, oh, it's not so bad.
Just a little bit of pee came out.
And then you finally wake up and you realize, no, it's a bucket of piss that I gotta fucking fix this mattress.
But your brain always gives you little doses.
I bet when you get diagnosed with cancer, it's the same thing.
It says, no, no, it's fine.
You're just going to cut out.
You get some plutonium in your taint and your prostate cancer will be cured.
They did it to Juliana.
You're fine.
By the way, you know that plutonium they put in your taint stays there?
Plutonium taint?
Plutonium taint becomes your nickname, but they put radioactive isotopes in your taint.
Did you know that?
No.
Yeah, so testicular cancer, I guess they don't put it in your balls for some reason.
That must feel really comfortable to have radioactive little bits of dragon rice stuck into your fucking balls.
Yeesh.
But they don't do that.
They put it in your prostate.
Oh, because it's prostate cancer, dumbass.
Don't take medical advice from this show.
Testicular cancer is not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about prostate cancer.
I'm sure with testicular cancer, they just remove your fucking balls completely.
But with prostate cancer, they put radioactive isotopes.
So like little bits of radiation.
Little radioactive pieces of rice, they stick in there, and I assume they- they- I assumed they wait around, it blasts the cancer, and then they yank them out.
No, they sit there!
So if you had a Geiger counter, if you sat on a Geiger counter and go... Isn't that messed up?
Radioactive seed implants.
Form of radiation therapy called Brachytherapy.
Alright, thanks for that.
Anyway... Uh...
How did I get there?
So, so let me try to get back to this original story.
My, uh, I hit this thing, tires out.
Oh yeah.
I was talking about you give yourself the bad news in tiny doses and, um, I'm slowly getting the news that the car's... No, I actually don't give it... I'm bragging about what a great hustler I am, but this isn't a very great hustle.
I pull over and I kick it and I go, it still feels pretty good.
No, it doesn't.
If it doesn't feel like you're kicking wood, your tire's fucked.
So then I come up with this idea, I'll just go to the gas station and I'll fill up the tire again.
Because that's how tires work, right?
When they're flat, it's got nothing to do with a hole or a tear.
It's just because they ran out of air in a split second.
If a balloon pops, it just means it's low on air.
So go pick up the pieces and go fill it back up again.
That's how it works.
So eventually I get to the gas station.
I've put some gas and air in it and it starts hissing and I realize, Gavin, stop kidding yourself.
You're fucked.
Now this is where the New Yorker comes in.
You could call AAA.
First you have to be a member, and if you're a member you're a nerd.
That's a super square thing to do, be a member of AAA.
What are they gonna do, get you a tow truck?
Congratulations.
AAA will tow you to the garage that's nearest to your house.
Then the garage will be closed because it's Sunday.
Then you'll walk back to your house.
So now we're like three hours in.
It'll be 250 bucks.
Then on Monday, you'll go back and the guy will go, what's your car doing here?
Oh, blah, blah, blah.
Oh, I'll have to order the tire.
That's another week.
It'll end up being like 500 bucks total for just a pop tire.
So this is what I did.
I got into Ratso Rizzo mode.
Alright, I gotta fucking get out of here.
So then I'm waiting around the gas station, and I see there's a tow truck.
It's a huge gas station, right?
We're in the South Bronx.
So I see there's a tow truck over there.
Just waiting.
So I run up to him.
He's on his phone.
And I go, Hey!
Look, I got a flat tire.
Let's do something off the books.
And what can we do?
And he goes, I'll tell you whatever you want, 200 bucks.
I go, let's do 175.
He goes, let's do it.
And then he tries to hustle me later, by the way.
And he goes, so I talked to my dispatcher, black guy, it's going to be 220.
And I go, I thought you said this is off the books.
We're doing it off the books.
And he said, yeah, okay.
Okay.
Basically again, you got to think of, of New York city as India and everyone is a street person trying to hustle you.
So I keep it at 175, he loads it up, and then I go, there's gotta be a place around here, right?
Like a 24-hour place?
He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jerome Street, that's where all the cab drivers go.
Okay, take me there, don't take me home.
And that's just down the street.
By the way, here's a little side thing.
I get in the car, and there's a fat Puerto Rican there, a woman, who's very white.
Hideous.
I'd say she's a 3.5 and very ghetto.
And he's like a hard-working skinny black dude.
Maybe 36 years old.
Little dreads.
All he cares about is his job.
So as we're driving he's like, oh man that guy's double parking.
I'm surprised he's not getting a ticket.
You can't do that.
Not this time of day.
And talking about tow truck stuff, she obviously doesn't give a fuck.
But the curious thing about this couple is, they don't know each other.
And she starts talking about her kid.
Yeah, my boy, my son, he's gifted.
Like he's really intelligent.
He's like, he's going to get a scholarship to do a computer engineer.
He wants me to get him a computer because he wants to do stuff at home.
Like he knows how to make like video games and stuff.
And he's like really smart.
He's a smart kid.
And so, and this guy's like, oh yeah, like he couldn't care less.
She could be talking about her dog's friend.
And I'm thinking, What the fuck is going on here?
And here's my theory.
He makes maybe 600 bucks on a, he does a 10 hour shift.
He was just starting his shift and he likes to get his dick sucked occasionally.
So he brings along a whore.
And she's not really a whore whore but she's just a slut who will suck a dick for a total of a hundred bucks.
So she rides around with him for maybe a couple hours and he gets a blowjob when there's a lull and he throws her a hundred bucks.
What do you think?
It seems to hold up because they don't know each other not at all And they have nothing in common and when he talks about his road stuff like yo this you can't get on the Parkways with this size of truck so it's gonna take as long about to take 95 and she's like my boy He don't go nowhere alone like I take him everywhere if he's gonna go on it, and then she was so Fucking vapid I was turning my head away from her and just crossing my eyes and As one does, and writing, do you ever do this?
I'm writing on my leg with my forefinger, Jesus Christ.
And holy shit.
Writing, like just writing invisible letters to yourself?
Yeah, do you ever do that?
I feel like I have, yeah.
Or when someone's telling a really boring story, you write boring on your leg.
Or help.
Yeah.
Help.
That would be funny if some guy saw you and he could make out the word help and then he comes over and he goes, hey, does anyone know where the next train is?
And he kind of bumps into her.
And then you're like, what the fuck?
Who's this drunk guy?
He goes, I got your back, man.
I saw what you wrote on your leg.
Don't worry, I got this.
Hey, lady, what's up?
Hey, come over here, man.
I'm gonna show you something.
And then he looks back at you and winks.
Get out, go.
Go, go.
You just run out of the bar.
Yeah, but the problem with that, because then you say, no dumbass, he was driving her home.
Really?
Why wasn't she remotely annoyed that I just detoured them an hour?
Right.
This is New York.
There's nothing is more than 40 minutes away from each other.
She could live way out in Long Island.
She could live way up in Westchester.
She could live way out in Jersey.
She's 40 minutes away, no matter where she is.
And I just took up an hour of their time.
She could have hopped out and taken the, we were near the G train.
So she was set to be there for X amount of time.
The only thing I don't get is the finances.
Like how much are blowjob passengers getting paid these days?
Right?
$100 a day.
You'd probably nailed it.
Is she there the entire shift?
I mean, you know what though?
Maybe she needs a ride and... What if that's his girlfriend's friend?
Okay, what's she doing there?
He's giving her a ride somewhere, but he's like, listen, if I get a call, you're just going to have to deal with it.
Ryan, please stay with us here.
She's detoured, but she doesn't mind because she's getting a free ride.
That's a massive detour.
You're an hour.
You could be upstate in an hour.
She's Puerto Rican.
She has nothing else better to do.
She's just riding.
She kept talking about home.
She goes, yeah, this is the thing fat, lazy people always talk about.
Like, oh man, I'd love to be at home right now.
They love home.
Yeah.
They talk about home.
I remember that in college too.
It was like, oh my God, I just want to be home right now.
What are you doing here then?
Remember that?
Well, did you go to college?
No.
Obviously not.
Um, yeah, the other thing I used to do was say in college is, uh, how you doing?
Oh my God, I'm so, I need a coffee soap.
I'm so tired.
Oh my God.
I'm so, and it's weird cause I had like eight hours sleep last night.
I'm just super tired.
And you know what it was?
It was people feeling socially awkward cause they're just starting adulthood and they don't have their mommy anymore.
And they just want to give up.
And they sense that they're being awkward.
So they have to explain why they're not on.
Oh, I see.
So they go, yeah, I'm just super tired right now.
I'm usually really interesting and fun and exciting, just like everyone in the movie Animal House.
But, uh, you caught me in a bad time.
So you're seeing half of me.
So if you don't like me, then you're wrong.
Anyhiz.
I didn't have the balls.
I should have said, so what's going on with you guys?
You like boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yeah.
No, no, no.
This is what you call a blowjob passenger.
A BP.
A BGP.
A BJP.
BJP.
But at least I would have seen... The BJ and the bear.
At least I would have... Maybe that's what that... Did you get that joke?
BJ and the bear?
No.
It was a sitcom when I was a little kid and it was a trucker and his best friend who was a monkey named BJ.
Oh, that's pretty funny.
That's like the perfect little pun joke there.
Yeah, anyway.
But maybe I could have gauged from their reaction when they went, no, no, no, no, no.
Maybe she couldn't be in training.
She wasn't like that.
She was a lazy piece of shit.
And she was looking at her phone and she had her purse on her lap.
She wasn't going, OK, so now we reverse here?
OK, I think I get it.
It had to be some kind of purely sexual relationship.
Anyway, I waited zero seconds for my tow truck because he was right there.
I drive it back right onto the tow truck, straps it in.
I helped him strap it in.
Boop, boop, boop.
We drive to the South Bronx, which we're already in the Bronx, South Bronx.
We drive maybe 20 minutes, 15 minutes.
And there's all these, on Jerome Street in the South Bronx, there's all these tire shops.
And each of them are 24 hours.
And they have, honestly, I'm not going to exaggerate, each one probably has 2,000 tires.
So of course they have my tire like that.
Boom.
Five minutes and 50 bucks.
They take it off, throw away the tire.
This wasn't a matter of a hole.
That bang, uh, tore the tire to shreds.
It was ripped.
And they they put on the new tire boom 50 so 175 225 and I was on my way maybe a 15 No, I'm not gonna say 50 minute delay.
Maybe a 40 minute delay total from bang to That's awesome.
Yeah, that's what new being in New York does to you.
It makes you a hustler You want to hear another time?
I did a New York hustle.
Yeah So I'm driving, again in the suburbs, right?
And I'm really low on gas.
But I just want to get home.
And I'm very close.
I'm only about 20 minutes away.
So I push it.
And I think, I'm past E, I'm in the black, but I'm only maybe four miles from home.
So I think, fuck it, I'll just get gas when I'm closer.
And I'm on the highway too.
And then run out of gas.
First time I've run out of gas in a long time.
It's kind of weird to be bragging about how awesome I am and how I have my shit together when I run out of gas, which is one of the stupidest things you can do.
Actually, I call you stupid all the time.
You must run out of gas every day.
Nope, I have not run out of gas.
I actually got an oil change ahead of its schedule just to make sure everything was fine.
Okay, so you know how you do that with your gas meter?
Yeah.
Make that your bank account.
Oh, for Pete's.
Right now, the meter is gone.
It's disappeared off the dash.
I'm not even running on fumes?
You don't have a meter.
It looks like it broke off.
You're $12,000 below zero.
Before I knew what Ryan's debt was, I thought, you know what?
I've got some dough.
I'm going to help this kid get back on his feet.
I'm going to pay off his $1,200 of debt.
How much is it, Ryan?
It's about $12,000.
You spoiled the joke, and you said this twice.
You said 12,000 before you got to the punchline, which was 12,000.
Wait, I thought I said 1,200.
Did I say 12,000?
Yes.
Oh, shit.
That was stupid.
I know what you meant, though.
That was so embarrassing, we should almost edit it out.
You're changing my character, because I wouldn't call you out on that, but I'm getting such a beatdown for my financial stupidity.
Beatdown!
We should change the title of the show to Beatdown.
And the logo is just me on top of you with my fist in your face.
Beat down!
It should be its own thing.
You just berate me until I want to change.
I've got a very... I'm not convinced yet.
I've got a very big fight this weekend I'm incredibly excited about.
Where's Daddy's?
Terrence Crawford.
Is this dude who I'm pretty new to knowing the guy's names.
But he's going to be fighting in New York this Saturday.
Are you going?
And we have really good tickets right in the front because we know one of the guys, one of the guys boxing is a guy from my gym.
Oh shit.
Oh, that's right.
Irish Larry.
Very cool.
And Terrence Crawford does this thing where he'll switch stances.
I don't understand that.
He'll go, he'll fight Southpaw in the middle of a fight.
Hmm.
And I've talked about him on the show before, but he's the guy, the black guy from Nebraska who has nothing to say, which all the fans think is awesome because it's so unique, but all the media guys are pissed off because they want him to be Muhammad Ali.
And he's like, no, I'd rather just fight thanks and go back home.
Don't the promoters want him to kind of speak more too, or do they like the mystery?
No, the promoters want lunacy.
They want fights during the weigh-in and all that stuff.
They want drama.
It sells tickets.
Not just a guy going, hey, what's up?
Terrence Crawford versus Amir Khan.
Now, I know you think that's a Muslim, but it's likely a Sikh.
Or maybe he's not, I don't know.
Is that at the Garden?
Yep, Madison Square Garden.
Yeah, I saw posters for that.
No, he looks Muslim.
Really?
Yeah.
Did you see that Conor McGregor thing?
Who's the white Muslim that he fought?
He's one of those white Muslim like Russian dudes.
Khabib Nurmagomedov or something?
Yeah.
So, Nurmagomedov.
That's the best.
Khabib Nurmagomedov.
Um, just got married and the custom, you know, with these Muslim traditions is that you cover the wife, but they don't just cover her.
They really cover her with the thick white, uh, shroud.
Of cum.
So immature and stupid.
And funny.
But Conor McGregor sees the picture and it's Abebe standing next to, is that his name?
No, Khabib.
Khabib sitting next to his wife and she's just draped in this shroud and Conor McGregor goes, your wife is a towel mate.
Oh my shit.
That is such a... And that's so funny in that context too.
Like if I had said it, that's not as funny, right?
This is one of his, you know, one of the most notorious opponents, notorious MMA opponents.
And they've had this huge rivalry, and it's over, and you're supposed to be, you know, sportsman-like.
It's over.
Right.
Yeah, and he lost the fight, and blah blah blah.
So in the context of the whole thing, it's so unboxing, too, to be that.
Your wife is a towel, mate.
And now it's become a meme.
Your wife is a towel.
Holy shit, that's funny.
Holy fuck.
Don't be scared of a rematch, you little scurrying rat.
You'll do what you're told, like you always do.
You'll do fucking nothing!
He's funny, dude.
He's the greatest.
I'm gay for him.
I don't even I don't even watch that sport, but oh my god.
There was a pitch picture on Twitter This is why we have to start doing the show again because I there's vision we need to do visuals Yeah, I think this is my plan.
I'm gonna start recording shows so I have about 20 banked right and then The shows won't be like the show we're gonna have the show we're gonna have is gonna be live with Collins I But when you get to the new website and you pay your subscription, you'll have all these banked episodes, and they'll be exactly like the show is going to be, but obviously they won't be live because they'll be banked.
You get it?
Anyhizzle, let me get back to this story.
So, Ratso Rizzo runs out of gas on the highway.
Now it's not a highway like an LA highway where there's, you know, if you go off to the side, you fall 50 feet onto seven other highways.
This is upstate New York, not upstate, but suburban New York.
So it's residential.
So I pull over.
Now I could just call AAA, try to explain where the fuck I am, and then wait maybe an hour.
For a tow truck.
Tow truck takes me to the gas station.
The gas station, they fill me up there.
Blah, blah, blah.
200 bucks.
Blah, blah, blah.
Probably two hours in total, right?
This is what I did.
And this is one of the great things about not living in Texas.
I scurry up the grass like a little, like a little Khabib rat.
I hop the fence and then I sort of have my hands up and I go, not a robber, not a robber.
As I walk through a person's backyard, Right?
And then I pop out of their driveway.
I have my hands up.
Not a robber, not a robber.
No one was home.
And I can see I'm at 32 Shithead Crescent, whatever it's called.
Call an Uber.
The Uber is there in five minutes.
Boom.
It picks me up.
I go to the gas station, which was another five minutes.
They rent me a can for 20 bucks.
And if I bring it back, they'll pay me back.
I take the same Uber back.
Then I go back through that guy's backyard.
Now, it's a little bit tricky jumping over this huge fence with vines all over it and a gas can, but I do that, doodle-de-loop, fill up the tank, car starts up, drive back to the gas station, get my 20 bucks back, zoopity-boop-boop-boop.
The whole thing was maybe 22 minutes total.
If I had done that by the book, if I had trusted other people, it would have been a bunch more money and a bunch more time, and that is the moral of the story.
Being a New Yorker teaches you to be a libertarian.
It teaches you about the free market.
And this is the biggest problem with society today, is we've lost our independence.
We've lost our gumption.
We used to be about grit.
We used to be about mobility.
If your dad heard about a job in Arizona, You were gone.
Time to pack up.
Oh, the kids are crying.
They're gonna miss their school.
So fucking what?
Now people don't move.
Now, when they lose their job, they just sit there unemployed for a year waiting for a new job to open up.
No, dude.
You gotta move.
You gotta change jobs.
You gotta be a bricklayer.
You gotta keep hustling.
And I was reading the paper today and there was like three different stories that involve people not being able to handle their own shit.
And it's dangerous because what we do is we let the government subsume our own personal authority on our sense of self.
And you see this at protests all the time.
People get confrontational and the second someone touches them, I'm not exaggerating by the way, touches them, they go, Police!
Police!
That's assault!
How many times have you heard that at a rally?
That's assault!
You touch me, that's assault!
And cops are getting called for everything now.
Cops, when you're a little kid and you want to be a cop, you chase bank robbers, rapists, murderers.
That's when you call the cops.
You don't call the cops because your neighbor put something on his lawn you don't like.
You go over to your neighbor and you say, can we not have naked ladies sculptures, please, on the front lawn?
I got kids here.
Don't call the cops all the time.
So the three stories, one of the guys, he, they were recalling a thousand of these city bike, these Citibank bikes, because the front brake is too sensitive and people have been flying over the front of their bikes.
Now, obviously Citibank doesn't want to get sued.
So they, instead of being normal and saying, yeah, we'll just learn how to ride a fucking bike.
Like, use the back brake only.
Or, test it out, feel it out, go, alright, that's a hell of a front brake, I'll only use it for emergencies.
Who doesn't know how to ride a goddamn bicycle?
You apply both brakes at once, of course you're gonna flip over if you only use the front brake.
And then there was another story in the New York Post, and this is sad, so get ready for some sadness.
Pretty young girl about to graduate from Fordham.
There's a custom, I guess, where people take an Instagram picture at the top of Fordham.
She climbed all the way up this spiral staircase.
She's up, you know, 15th floor type of thing, in this old sort of castle-like building that the stonemasons probably built 200 years ago.
She falls and goes tumbling down the spiral staircase and is dead.
And the end of the article is complaining that the school doesn't always lock the access to that spiral staircase.
To the turret at the top of the Cassily thing.
They shouldn't do that.
That should always be locked.
But sometimes when they're cleaning and doing maintenance, it'll be unlocked.
And you go, yeah, don't climb up there.
And again, I think a lot of this is, you're not gonna believe this part, but feminism, where women are just, they're under the impression that they're men, and they can go in and get shit hammered, and go jump off a thing.
Whoa, I just went to the New York Post website, and Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
Whoa.
Right when I was talking about castles.
Fuck.
Is that a coincidence?
Yes.
I don't know.
I don't know, man.
I don't think so.
Then again, there's a time difference.
You would have had to have set a couple hours off.
And then it would have happened.
But, you know what I mean?
Like, ladies, let me just tell you something.
You are a Ferrari.
You don't leave a Ferrari out.
You don't let it get wasted and walk home alone.
You're delicate.
You park it in a nice spot.
You make sure you don't drive it drunk.
You make sure it's insured.
It's got all its registration and everything.
You're delicate with it.
It's different than a rental.
It's different than a Toyota Corolla.
You don't abuse it.
And these girls are going out and getting fucking shithammered, doing shots, going home alone, puking, and living in shitty neighborhoods too.
Like all these girls who move to East New York and Bushwick and then party and get wasted.
It's not good.
Okay?
Are we good?
Yeah.
I want to talk to Cassandra Fairbanks today on the show because she knows Julian Assange and he was just arrested.
The Ecuadorian embassy kicked him out.
I think it's because the president of Ecuador got, he likes to be served lobster in bed.
He doesn't just have like a croissant.
and uh an espresso in bed he has a full it looks like Mugabe's 70th birthday there's just like massive lobster and all this stuff all that he eats lying down so and and obviously Ecuador is not doing great financially it's a shithole And that picture got leaked and the president just lost it and said, get fucking Julian Assange out of here.
But I don't think he had anything to do with that.
Look, it's a leak.
He's a leak guy.
I want him gone.
And you know what else?
Tell people that he rubs shit all over the walls of his bathroom.
And they go, what?
But he's OCD.
They don't touch shit.
They're obsessed with not going near shit.
They use four wet wipes to wipe their ass.
Like on top of each other.
And they spreaded this rumor.
So I called Cassandra yesterday at my kid's softball, baseball game.
I said, what's going on here?
And she goes, it's just a fucking lie.
So much of what is in the news is just a lie.
You got to read between the lines here.
One, when I read the post, I see that we're all pussies and we expect everyone else to solve our problems.
And two, when you see things like, yeah, Julian Assange, they had to kick him out.
He was smearing shit on the walls.
No, he was not.
And she told me she's gone pee in that very bathroom that they're talking about.
She said there's a little post-it note above the toilet that says, please ensure toilet paper goes over as opposed to under.
You know what that means?
No.
Why'd you nod then?
You just nodded.
Is that how you get through life?
I just, um... I just don't know.
Well, why'd you nod?
Nod means, yep, that's what I figured.
No, it's just like, hmm.
Hmm, I don't know.
I have received the words.
Well, maybe you should go back to head school.
Because right-left, right-left means me-no-no.
And up-ee-down-ee, up-ee-down-ee means, yep.
Isn't head school what you do before you ride passenger or blowjob passenger?
You go to head school?
Yeah, that was her first... She was just doing her internship.
Yeah, what do you call that?
Her residence?
What do doctors do at a hospital when they start out?
Residency?
Yeah, she's just doing her residence.
No, it's not internship.
She's doing her residency thing.
But uh... Wait, now I forgot what I was talking about thanks to you.
No, it's the toilet paper, up or down.
Oh yeah, so it's when you put toilet paper in the thing, it either falls forward, right?
Or some people make it face the other way, so it's either like a gay man's hand going, hi girl, or a beggar putting his hand out going, please can I have some change?
Right.
Now my fucking wife does the please can I have some change thing.
Drives me nuts.
I have to keep switching it every time I'm there.
Is there any, besides reaching out and grabbing it, is there any benefit like the weight of the front of it when you tear off a chunk?
I don't know if it's tough to justify.
Well, there's less friction when it's, it's got its hand out and you're pulling it.
I don't know.
You're scraping it along the porcelain.
Not that the porcelain is dirty or anything.
It's just, I can't explain why it's better.
I'm going to test it out.
It's just better.
Okay.
So have we caught up on everything?
Yes.
White people on Twitter annoy me.
They talk about blacks in a racist way, but they put them on a pedestal instead of in the gutter.
Cassandra Fairbanks, I got to talk to her about this Julian Assange stuff.
Oh, there's Avi Yemeni and Sidney Watson.
They were both banned from America.
You know why?
Because Comedy Central doesn't like them.
Here's the deal.
Here's a story which you haven't heard.
It's actually good that Ryan is sort of the co-host of this show or the punching bag because I end up explaining things that maybe you guys haven't heard if you are equally not aware of what's going on.
Jeff Jeffries.
Is that his name?
Wait a minute.
Jim Jeffries.
I hope so.
What kind of sadist with the last name Jeffries would name his kid Jeff?
No, it's Jim Jeffries.
So Jim Jeffries interviewed Avi Yamini and he interviewed him about Islam.
Now Avi's an Israeli-Australian and he's not bananas about Islam, which is reasonable.
And he was in the IDF, so uh, Avi was, so he sits down with him and he says, Jim Jeffrey says the stupidest question I've ever heard, he says, don't you wish people, who are you, who is anyone to judge who gets to go where?
Who can live where?
Who are you to judge that?
Jim, it's called borders.
Everyone is everyone to judge that.
Mexico doesn't allow illegals.
Turn on cable access next time you're in the Caribbean and all these bohemians are talking about is Haitians coming into their country.
Illegals.
It's actually pretty refreshing.
I do this every time I'm on vacation in the Caribbean.
I watch public access and all they talk about is illegal immigration and it's wealthy black countries shitting on poor black countries.
So it's Immigration devoid of the race issue.
It's fascinating.
And it's fascinating all the scams they do.
Like the Haitians will somehow sneak into Jamaica and work tirelessly to get Jamaican citizenship.
Then they'll go to America illegally.
And then if they get caught, they get extradited back to Jamaica.
Because that's what their passport says.
So it's like a buffer where you can't be sent back to Haiti.
They use Jamaica as a stepping stone.
Any of his.
Jim Jeffries asks him that, and Avi goes, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I understand the utopia you're talking about, but we don't have that utopia.
We live here on Earth, and Earth has countries, and countries are defined by borders.
That's the way it is for everyone.
Sorry, I wish there was a world without prison, but some people murder, so you got to put them in prison.
And then much later in the interview, he talks about, you know, immigrants that hate the country they moved to.
And he says, I don't understand that mentality.
Why wouldn't you just move back?
And if you got your way, eventually this country that you just moved to would be the same shithole you left originally.
So then he takes Avi's point there and sticks it to his question about who are you to judge?
So it makes him look like he hates immigration because of Muslims.
And then Jim Jeffries airs it right after the shooting in Christchurch, New Zealand, even though this whole thing is months old.
Isn't that fucked up?
And Comedy Central, I don't know where they got this power from, they managed to shut down any reference Avi has of this, but they keep their edited version up.
Jim Jeffries doesn't respond, Comedy Central doesn't respond.
And they managed to scam everyone.
And then, Avi goes, you know what, I'm gonna go to the Jim Jefferies Show, and I'll see if I can, you know, ambush him after with a microphone, and say, Jim, why did you show that heavily edited version of our interview?
And talk to people in the audience and stuff.
You know, journalism.
So Comedy Central goes, no, no, no, we need this thing to fucking die.
They get it off YouTube.
And what they do is they call the FBI and they say Jim Jeffries is a terrorist.
Sorry, Avi Yamini is a terrorist.
Sidney Watson is a terrorist.
And then they send the FBI pictures of him covered in guns.
Well, yeah, that was Avi's uniform when he was in the IDF.
They were issued by Israel, which is an ally of ours.
That's the same as being in the German Army or the Italian Army.
That's part of our alliance.
So there's nothing wrong with him carrying those government-issued guns.
And no, he's not going to kill Jim, but it works.
All it takes is a complaint now.
I think Martina Mercota's fiancé is being held away, banned from America because Antifa lied and said he was a terrorist.
And these, these FBI agents fall for it.
I don't get that part.
You just get to call up and say, yeah, ban him.
So Avi flies to LA.
He's on his way to Baltimore, New York, whatever.
And they turn him around after 18 hours of interrogation, they send him back to Australia.
Sydney gets to stay because she's a partially, she has dual citizenship, but she's also interrogated for hours.
Because Comedy Central can't afford to be embarrassed.
And they're not embarrassed for something they didn't do.
They're embarrassed for something they did do.
Meanwhile, we got terrorists touring the country!
Touring Australia!
Touring America!
Jihadists!
We got Farrakhan!
We got Omar Khadr!
A terrorist who killed an American soldier, blinded another, He comes back after Guantanamo or Abu Ghirab or whatever it was, Abu Ghraib, and the Prime Minister awards him $10 million for the inconvenience of being arrested.
The double standard is fucking insane!
So they lie about us, they say we smear shit on the walls, they ban us from countries because we might embarrass leftist corporations, and, you know, No one watches CNN anymore.
No one watches cable news.
They watch... Alex Jones was talking about this on InfoWars the other day.
They watch Colbert.
They get their news from these comedians.
And these comedians aren't there to get the facts out.
They're there to make a joke.
They're there to make a funny story.
Alright, let's get through some mail.
And then we'll have to wrap this up.
This is from Danny Bragg.
I too beget flatulence during stressful situations.
Have I already read this one, Ryan?
Yeah.
I too beget flatulence during stressful situations.
For instance, if I hang out with a girl, when we part company, I will be blowing minute-long farts from the deep chasms of my bowels.
Is there any remedy you have found for this that you haven't shared with us?
Like you more than a friend, your brother in Christ, Danny B. That's one of the hardest things.
I remember a comedian saying he doesn't like seeing couples on first dates because you're just watching two people hold in their farts.
Because you can't fart around a woman ever.
Ever.
Every time, and that includes your wife by the way.
The bed isn't off when you guys get married.
You can't just sit there taking a shit while she brushes her teeth.
In fact, you should do your darndest, and this is unfortunate for people who live in New York City, Manhattan proper.
You want to do your best to make sure you have separate bathrooms.
That's what makes a marriage last.
You want to convince yourself your wife doesn't shit.
And every time you fart around your wife, a blowjob loses its wings.
You do not want... Do you fart around your girlfriend, Ryan?
I've slipped.
What I did was I held it, held it, held it, and at night time I wake myself up farting.
Like a loud old man fart where my butt cheeks clap together.
And I just wake up and I'm like, oh fuck.
Good.
As long as you know that it's bad.
Yeah.
By the way, I don't, I don't get farting.
What do you mean?
How is it so loud?
I don't know.
Like it's really hard to make your mouth go.
Right.
You've got to really apply pressure with your lips and some air comes out of your butthole and it's the loudest thing in town.
Well, Our mouths are huge orifices comparatively, you know?
It's like an anus was designed to make farts as loud as possible.
Like a little horn.
Yeah, like a little horn.
God, what are you doing with that?
I understand that air gets trapped in your body and you want to get rid of it so you burp and fart.
Gotcha.
Great design.
But why is it... Burps aren't that loud.
You have to really sort of open your mouth and like ROCK to get a burp to go loud.
And you're sort of using your voice and stuff.
But a butthole, there's no, in fact, it's bad to have a loud fart.
Predators can hear you.
I love being at, and I was just farting away, just throughout the whole class, and as I was just farting and farting away.
As I was just farting and farting away.
That's from nohate.com, my brother's website, where he was talking about naked fart yoga.
I highly recommend that.
So, when we meet company, I'll be blowing men along.
So here's my advice to you, sir.
The beauty of those nervous farts is they tend not to reek, because you've already had your shits in the morning.
So my advice would be to never ever fart around a lady.
If you can go to the bathroom, go fart there.
Now, if you're in a relationship where you're sleeping with her, and you're in the same bed, and I am, obviously, I've been married for a bunch of years.
Have I been married 12 years?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, I've been married for about 12 years.
What I do now is, if she's asleep, I purse my fingers like I'm, uh, like I'm, uh, squishing a bug.
You know what I mean?
Like thumb and forefinger pinch.
I pinch my fingers together.
I go down to my anal lips.
I push on my anus and then I open up the anal lips and then my fart comes out like, and there's no sound.
And that way she won't wake up.
Now sometimes those reek.
Because now it's so late.
Now it's like 1 a.m.
and your body's ready for the morning shit.
So there's some poo in there.
Getting started.
It's very rare the smell will wake her up.
So my advice is, if you're dating and you feel a fart coming on, go to the bathroom.
Get rid of it.
And also, pat yourself on the bum.
Like pat your anus because you're going to have air trapped between your butthole and your jeans.
And so when you pat, you sort of get that air out of there and give it a few shakes and then go back out to the date.
Um, and then obviously, and when things get more serious, you should turn your, basically turn your asshole into a gay man's asshole and just let the farts sort of exhale out.
You know when we were watching that Sebastian Maniscalco, you know my girlfriend's there and his bit was whole like, the wife asked him, oh you want me to pause the movie while you go to the bathroom?
The bathroom's so close that she'd be able to hear him shit.
She's like, no turn it, leave it on, actually turn it up a little bit.
And he tells her like turn it up so that the volume covers his farting.
And I'm sitting there, I'm starting to laugh at it, and I'm like, what is he talking about?
I have no idea what that plight is like.
Oh, it's so fucking heinous.
You know what's kind of weird, though?
When women fart, which you're supposed to hate, right?
Because I don't like the idea of women being human.
It's weird that you get kind of turned on.
Oh, you had a little fart, did you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, look at you.
My little fart.
Actually, if you read James Joyce's letters to his wife, he is obsessed with the idea of her farting.
He even calls him, calls his wife, her, his little farting farter.
Oh, that's rough.
Yeah.
That's pretty rough.
Look it up.
Why?
You're so weird.
I say, I say something like that where it'd be crucial for you to look up James Joyce farting farter, but then I say, I mentioned Conor McGregor and you spend the entire show watching his fights.
No, no, no.
I was just watching.
I was watching his moments, like every time he freaked out.
That doesn't help the podcast.
Sure.
Your job, you're the Jamie guy in the Joe Rogan thing.
You're supposed to pull that shit up, Jamie.
Oh, wow.
That's crazy, man.
Pull that shit up real quick, Jamie.
Well, he'd also be looking up McGregor stuff.
James Joyce, yeah, okay.
I said, look up James Joyce farting farter.
Farting farter, got it.
It's not hard.
Okay, fart- Fat, dirty farts at every fuck I gave you at your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger, stronger fuck than usual, fat, dirty farts came sputtering out of your backside.
There's one- There's another fart one.
You know what, there's a lot of them.
James, you're one of the greatest writers in the history of man.
That is one of the shittiest love letters.
Literally.
I've ever read.
Here's another one.
He's Irish, by the way.
I don't know why you're doing an English accent.
Here's another fart one.
that night, darling, and if I fuck them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks, and lots of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush-- - He's Irish, by the way.
I don't know why you're doing an English accent. - Here's another fart one.
This one's short.
No ends of farts in my face.
I hope Nora will let off no end of farts in my face so that I may know her smell also.
Boy, they were weird back then.
That's enough.
We got it.
We got it.
I think James Joyce wasn't aware of queefs.
You don't fuck butt farts out of a chick.
Right.
He's probably got her legs up, she's a chubby lass, and there's some queefs happening.
And he's so inexperienced in the ways of love.
You know another thing I wanted to bring up on this podcast?
Have you ever read the letters men would write to each other back in the 1800s?
No.
Like when you read the founding fathers, my son, before he became a baseball Asperger's kid, he had a much wider palette of interests.
And one of them was Ben Franklin.
And we'd see these letters that they would write, like Thomas Jefferson would write to Abe Lincoln, blah, blah, blah.
I guess Abe Lincoln's a little later on down the line, but, uh, they were gay.
I miss you so much and stuff like that?
Oh, Thomas.
Your presence will be sorely missed.
How I long to see you again.
Your long grey hair and your acerbic wit.
You, being around you, is a true joy, my friend.
A true loving joy.
I don't know.
I mean, because you would miss people more though, right?
You would have no pictures of them and you could only contact Violet.
Oh, okay.
So, if I went blackout.
Yeah.
Gone for six months.
From you.
And there was no social media.
You'd send me this long letter going, Oh, Gavin, how I miss your silly stache and the ways your eyes would sparkle in the night.
How you batter me for my financial flubs.
Oh, our silly repertoire, how I long for your cruel barbs.
They sting in a delicate... No.
Conjuring names of bands that not quite exist yet.
We're just not faggy anymore.
Well, I almost sent you a gay text the other day.
I was going to say, hey man, I really love working with you.
Oh, fuck.
I'm glad you didn't send that.
Because I was drunk.
There's a lot of evidence that Abe Lincoln is a fag.
He's a fag.
He's a fag.
No, did you know that?
No.
He didn't sleep with his wife.
Oh, right.
I've heard that.
I've heard that.
Yeah, he slept with his secretary, but back then, a secretary wasn't like, hello, you can't go in there, you can't go in there!
Right.
In every movie, isn't that every single movie?
Ghostbusters, Intern.
I just saw Shazam on the weekend, and they had a, you can't go in there!
Yeah, they always don't want you to go in there.
You're always not allowed to go in there.
Who?
Though your secretary was like your right hand like you'd be my secretary in in the oldie times So he always hung with his secretary secretary was always taking notes and stuff and helping him get organized.
Gotcha.
Okay, that's fine But they would sleep in the same room together and his wife would be in another room Wow You really got to get those notes down, huh Abe?
Huh?
And they also talked, you know, he had that famous speech at Cooper Union, which is right down the street, uh, where they said he, the Southerners spoke in a very strange and almost ladylike way.
Now that could be Northerners not used to Southerners.
You know, when people meet our buddy Stockbauer in New York, they're always like, who's your gay friend?
Cause it was like, Hey guy, what's going on?
Would you like to get up or down?
Oh, you do heroin.
I don't, I like to get higher than a Georgia pine.
I can see them thinking he's gay if they don't get southerners, so maybe that was it.
Or maybe Abe Lincoln was a raging queen.
Maybe it was like four score and seven years ago.
It was icky.
I'll tell you what, if I could maintain the Union without freeing one slave, I would.
So there is a great argument that this war is actually not about slavery, it's about maintaining the Union.
I'm serious, you guys.
Daniel Day-Lewis did a really shitty job of sounding like me.
Cause he was all like, he made me sound so butch.
Did you see that movie?
I was like, hi, I'm Abe Lincoln, I'm like so butch.
That was weird.
Method, more like, uh, no.
Ew.
You jumped on that pun train with no idea what the destination was?
Oh yeah, no, that was, I had nothing.
Who does that?
I just wanted to do the voice.
So you start out, okay, I'm going to do a method pun.
Yes.
And I have no pun.
Yeah, I realized nothing really rhymes with method that I could think of.
Do you do knock-knock jokes where you don't know who's there either?
Uh, no.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pumpkin.
Pumpkin who?
I don't, I just want, I just wanted to say pumpkin.
Hey Gavin, this is from Matt T. Hey Gavin, as a Catholic, what do you think of all the child raping going on in the church right now?
I'm a Catholic as well, and I have to say, I'm struggling with going to church, not knowing if the priest who's lecturing me for 36 minutes every Sunday is a fucking, is fucking children or not.
See, I changed the context by reading it rock and roll.
Yeah, it's like The Stones.
They'll have a pleasant sounding song and the lyrics will be really dark.
Shouldn't we be doing something about this?
Clearly the leaders in the church, like our shitty socialist pope, don't give a fuck, so I feel like we should be taking matters into our own hands.
I used to get mad at people like Joe Rogan for saying it's a cult of child fuckers, but at this point I'm having a tough time defending the church when time and time again they keep getting caught doing awful things.
Also, Pope Francis is a loser.
Do you still go to church every week?
I'd love your thoughts.
Matt!
Um... Yes, Matt, you've touched upon something that is deep in my heart.
It's a major problem I am having with Catholicism.
I am highly conflicted about my religion after learning about the tens of thousands of children.
I used to say... Now one thing, this is... A lot of these cases you're hearing about are the 80s.
And these are grown men going, I was fucked when I was a kid.
But there are also modern cases.
And I had a guy on my old show, Get Off My Lawn Season 1, where he said this was a long plan.
The gay elite said, let's infiltrate the Catholic Church and we'll mark certain boys with certain amulets to signal to other priests that, hey, you can fuck this one.
So just to go back over this, the two common theories on why this is.
And by the way, lefties, I know you think you caught us with the smoking gun.
You realize they're gays, right?
They don't molest young girls, and they don't molest toddlers.
They molest post-pubescent boys.
So you're seeing homosexuals.
So I'm sorry, but if you want to jump on the Catholic bashing, you're also jumping on the gay bashing.
You are homophobic if you have a problem with all this.
It is a gay problem as well.
Gay Catholic.
Yes, Catholic priests have been fucking young men.
Gay Catholic priests, okay?
So can we just get on board with that?
This isn't as convenient as you thought it was.
But it is happening.
And the only question is, was this a planned infiltration?
Like Church Militant says, churchmilitant.com, is that their website?
And they say, no, this is a long, this is a plan.
This was set out long ago.
I don't know, a hundred years ago, maybe less than that, to infiltrate the church and get lots of sex.
The other more common belief is that, you know, you got an Italian family, all the boys are normal.
And then that youngest boy isn't interested in girls.
Well, he can't be a fag.
That's gross.
So let's put him in the church and you can't stop sex.
So it just ends up coming out in a horrible way and molestation.
I don't know.
I don't know which one it is, but I do know that I obviously have a major problem with it, especially because one of the things, one of the reasons I back Tommy Robinson so much is these grooming gangs, the Pakistani Muslim grooming gangs in Luton and all over the UK, where hundreds of young girls are getting molested, raped, groomed to be raped.
How can you bitch about that and then also have a church where you are essentially advocating molestation?
Now I will say, and no I haven't been to church in a long time, when all this shit hit the fan and my name and I was doxxed and everything I would go to church and I would I was a human distraction.
So I haven't been since for a few months and I'm not proud of that.
But I'm also very conflicted about this child raping shit.
But I will say in the Catholic Church's defense, I haven't seen more people mad about it than Catholics.
Like unlike the grooming gangs in Britain where you get moderate Muslims just sort of trying to poo-poo it and sweep it under the rug, Catholics are up in arms about this.
They're furious and they're really mad about this Pope.
Um, and they want it changed.
They want these, these, I mean, the ones that are going to these Pope's, uh, these priests homes and, you know, doxing them and, and quizzing them and outing them are Catholics.
But we have, we have a great Pope in the mix.
Have you heard of this Vatican Cardinal Robert Serra?
He's a Western chauvinist.
Ah.
He says that mass migration is going to cause the West to disappear.
And he says, Islam will invade the world.
And he said, it's completely changing our culture, anthropology and moral vision.
Paul Joseph Watson tweeted him out and he said, if this guy becomes the next Pope, I'm going full trad Catholic.
Where is, where is the Cardinal Robert Serra?
He's a block man.
So to answer your question, folk at home.
Oh, he's in Guinea.
Why do they call Italians Guineas?
Isn't that a stupid insult?
That's like calling them Germans.
Yeah.
Where is Guinea?
Isn't that the most diverse place in the world?
Or is that Ghana?
There's Papua New Guinea and there's Guinea.
Are they the same?
It's in Africa.
Africa.
They eat the poopoo.
They eat the poopoo in Guinea.
Papua New Guinea is a different place.
It's on the Ivory Coast, I guess.
It's on the West Coast.
I guess it's French.
It is in West Africa.
It was formerly known as French Guinea.
The modern country is sometimes referred to as Guinea Conakry in order to distinguish it.
So that is why it is Catholic because the French dominated it for many... Here's another thing I wanted to bring up.
Why colonize?
Why do we do that?
Just setting up camp.
Why?
You took a boat ride, you wind up in a shithole, you're like, let's just kind of try to make this place better for a little bit.
There's a Boomtown Rats song where he goes, and another piece of red left my atlas today.
No more Singapore, no Streamy Nights of Malta, goodbye to Gibraltar.
You should be looking up that song, Shit for Brains.
Oh.
It's a what song?
It's called Another Piece of Red Left My Atlas Today.
And I'm listening to that song and I'm going, yeah, what, like, what were we doing in South Africa?
We killed all those families.
Churchill and his boys killed all these women and children in order to dominate the Boers and take over South Africa.
Why?
Well, it was the Industrial Revolution, Gavin, and Britain was thriving.
We had all this excess money and power and ships, and it's man's normal tendency to expend.
Why?
Why not just have a bunch of British billionaires walking around with gold shoes on?
And you build up your borders.
You're an island.
And you have an awesome country called England, where there's no debt and everyone's fucking rich.
Why ain't go... Yes, I understand we're doing quite well, but couldn't we go kill all the women and children in South Africa?
If you want something from South Africa, buy it!
Is this Bob Geldof lamenting colonization?
Somewhere in the distance I can hear somebody shooting.
Alright, that's enough of that.
Isn't that interesting?
This is back when you could have nuance in art.
That's basically a pro-colonization song where he's lamenting all the red falling off his atlas and Britain being just Britain.
But yeah, why do we do that?
Like we had this horrible war in America where we lost the equivalent of 5 million today, 620,000.
We have our own strife.
We finally figured that out.
Ended slavery.
Maintained the Union.
We have this country deep into debt.
13 trillion.
I don't understand this compulsion to go out.
Like, why the fuck did we take over Puerto Rico?
I'm sitting here with a guy wearing a fake gold chain.
Who, me?
Yeah.
You're a Puerto Rican.
Well, I'm trying to see if I like a chain around my neck.
I'm not going to go ahead and buy gold anytime soon, but my excuse to myself... Ryan, you're not going to pay off your 12 grand for three years.
You don't have to go to a gold internship and wear a plastic chain to see how you feel about buying a gold chain.
Buying a gold chain is not high on your priority list.
You don't need to train for it.
Folks at home, Ryan Katsu Rivera is presently training To wear a gold chain.
Chaining.
He's chaining!
Yes.
He's a chain intern right now.
I like it so far.
Makes me feel good about myself.
You know who's pretty interesting, by the way?
Luis Gomez.
Like, this idea that you shouldn't colonize and there's no real reason for it.
Just, if you want potatoes from someplace, buy them.
You're rich.
You don't need to kill everyone and own the potato chain.
Now, the oil in Saudi Arabia, well, maybe there's an argument there.
I don't know why we gave all these fucking Bedouins These roaming camel riders are now kabillionaires.
And what do they do?
They start Al Jazeera.
They terrorize us.
They ride cars on two wheels.
They get prostitutes.
They have harems.
Why the fuck did we make them rich?
Ann Coulter's right.
We should have just said, yeah, um, we have to clean this dirt out of your water supply.
There's some weird black guck.
We'll, uh, we'll handle it for you.
It's UNICEF doing it.
It's the United Nations.
And then we'll go get rid of it ourselves.
Don't you worry your pretty little head.
But instead, we made them all billionaires.
I don't understand that one.
But that's a whole different ball of wax.
But all these other countries... And America's not bad at it, but Britain had everything!
But what were we saying about Luis J. Gomez?
He was on Anthony's show, and his insights were really interesting.
And I don't know, I think he's intelligent.
I can't believe I'm saying another nice thing about Puerto Ricans.
But they were talking about people who fall asleep with cigarettes, and they burn down their house.
And I've always just accepted that as, yeah, what a dumb drunk.
And then Luis Gomez goes, you could pay me a billion dollars and put a gun to my head.
I don't think I could light a sheet with a cigarette.
And that's called original thinking.
You don't do that anymore.
And he's right.
I never thought of that.
You see these dummies with Antifa, they try burning the American flag and they just have a lighter and the American flag.
It's not made of gas, dumbass.
It's gonna take about an hour.
You ever started a fire in a fireplace?
It takes a while to get paper going.
For the paper to get the twigs going.
Anyway, check out that episode.
Tom Cotton, Luis Gomez, plugging the competition here.
I used to do a really good Luis J Gomez impression and it just fell away.
I don't know what happened to it.
Answer me this, Big Jay Oakerson, those cut off gloves, are those wool?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Because if they're leather I can, I guess I can forgive it?
No, they're not leather.
Well, then what other material could they be?
Cotton, polyester, a blend.
They could be cashmere.
Well, what's polyester gloves?
Or wool.
Because if he's wearing wool cut-off gloves in the summer... Pruney hands.
What is that about?
Is that a medical condition?
My theory is that he has swastika tattoos on his palms and hand.
Well, doesn't he have a giant belly tattoo that says faggot?
Oh, that was just Photoshop, sorry.
Oh.
Yeah, I don't think I can... I can... I love Big Jay Oakerson.
I think he's... He's the most talented of Legion of Skanks.
Oh, here's a close-up.
In the form of stand-up, you mean?
Yeah, I think he's the funniest guy there.
I mean, because Dave Smith could be the most talented as far as political punditry.
Yep, Dave Smith the smartest, clearly.
And they're all very close, but Big Jay, I thought that, like, if there was a, if they did a live show together, it would probably go Dave Smith opening for Lewis, opening for Big Jay.
Sure, sure.
I don't think they'd have a problem with that, would they?
No.
I mean, that's how they bill it.
All right.
Anyway, it's enough talking about those guys.
Yeah.
I got letters if you need them, but yeah.
Frank Merritt.
Hi, Gavin.
My name is Frank Merritt.
I feel you should know my name.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Grab a beer sometime?
No, thank you.
I love your attitude.
Diddly diddly do.
Boy, there's a lot of intros to all these things.
Just jump to the question, please.
I don't care who you are.
We're never going to meet.
I don't care about your background unless it's relevant to the question or the statement or whatever.
And, uh, we're never getting a beer.
Ever.
I promise you that.
I got my own house paid with cash.
I beat drug addiction and dealt with close family members passing.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The reason I say this, I'm not dumb dumb shit.
Duh, duh, duh, duh.
Wait, there's no point.
Just, I definitely agree with you.
I like that you tell it like it is, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm a, what the fuck kind of point, Frank, what's the point of your letter?
I like you.
I like that you speak your mind.
People are wrong to shit on you.
I'm a good guy.
I've dealt with a lot of shit.
Keep hanging on.
Frank, don't send me a letter like that.
I don't need big ups from strangers.
I need it from my wife and stuff.
After that, I don't care what people think, negative or positive.
I find compliments as irrelevant as insults.
And I can't believe people are hurt by what they read on the internet.
You know the guy saying that weighs 480 pounds, right?
Or is 12.
Like when people talk about the haters.
Haters.
It's usually people in rap.
Yo man, I got so many haters.
Those are 12 year olds and people dying of obesity.
They're not haters.
Justin Shay, you've mentioned in previous shows having a rough year in marriage.
Could you offer up any advice or tips while going through that year?
Also, do you think this usually coincides with the terrible two stage of parenthood, which in my experience is the hardest stage of parenting so far?
My oldest is 13.
Two is pretty cute.
I don't mind two.
I think there's bad kids and good kids.
Twos, yeah the terrible twos are a thing, but my first two kids were just angels and their terrible twos were the worst they got and it was pretty good.
My sixth child on the other hand, I have considered the possibility that he is Damien from the movie The Omen.
He is Satan.
And I have a lot of evidence.
I'll just give you one of maybe 50 examples.
At church they give you this little coloring page and it's Jesus with some shepherds and stuff and sheep and whatever.
I look over and he's just used the red crayon.
Jesus has a knife in his hand and everyone's had their throats slit and then there's writing on it in a black crayon.
And he can't write.
He's too young.
Doesn't know how to write.
He was, I think, like five, four and a half at this time.
And I said, what does that say?
Because we're in church.
And he goes, God is dead.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Him and his buddy, I won't say his name, we'll call him Jeff, were fighting my 10 year old and they beat him up.
They took him down just like David and Goliath.
They managed to grab onto his shirt and jump him like the way you could get eaten by rats.
And they crawl up him and topple him and then they start punching him and kicking him.
Eventually they kick his eyeball before he can blink with a socked foot and he's crying because he can't see.
His eye was still bruised the next day.
Two six-year-olds beat up a ten-year-old.
Two six-year-olds equal 12.
Yeah.
You got beat up by a 12-year-old.
No, I've fought kids before.
I've fought a baby before.
How to fight a baby has 15 million views.
But the secret to fighting kids is you gotta block and you gotta watch your eyes.
Balls and eyes.
Soft tissue.
So if I'm fighting kids and they're not near my eyes, my hands are covering my crotch like you're hanging out with Johnny Knoxville.
All the jackass guys always have their hands on their balls.
24 hours a day.
And a mousetrap in their back pocket for some reason.
So that's that, but that wasn't your question.
The bad year of marriage.
Yeah, you just sort of, first of all, don't beat off.
Don't watch porn because that takes the stakes away and the next thing you know you don't care that you're in the doghouse.
You want to care that you're in the doghouse.
But I think the biggest mistake people make with marriage is they think that and Naomi Schaefer Riley has written about this extensively.
She's a great columnist and she wrote a great book called The New Trail of Tears.
And her husband Jason Riley, black guy, wrote Please Stop Helping Us.
About liberals helping black people, which sort of goes back to that Twitter thing I was talking about where they, they idolize black people in a really patronizing way.
Um, and she said, yeah, it's not your soulmate.
It's your mate.
It's a person that you, it's your partner.
You're both raising your family together.
It's someone you can rely on.
It's someone you're definitely not just a friend with.
There's definitely a higher plane, but it's not spiritual.
Okay?
You're not with a cult leader.
You're not two gods.
You're just two regular people who made a deal.
And, you know, there's the honeymoon phase where you can't stop thinking about her.
That sort of peters out.
You still lust her, by the way, especially if you stop beating off.
And you still feel a strange bond with her.
And you still have this cool connection.
You're almost like fraternal twins.
Actually, that's not right.
That's contradicting what I started with.
But there'll be things like, like if Ryan said, dude, you're getting kind of wasted.
I would say, dude, you're getting kind of wasted.
And maybe shove him.
But if my wife said, hey, uh, take it down a notch, I would go to the bartender and go, can I get a water please?
Or a Coca-Cola?
Uh, cause she's like part of me.
And if she says I'm too drunk, I'm definitely too drunk and vice versa.
If I, if she sees me take a glass of wine out of her hand, she won't go fuck you and reach for it.
She'll go, Oh, I guess I went a little far.
Um, so there's those kind of cool connections that just happen with time, but you go through changes and you go through phases.
I wouldn't recommend sleeping in a different bed, although that can happen for a while if you're really pissed off.
Yeah, there's times when it's just like, you know what, let's agree to disagree and you just ignore each other.
But then there's times when it's like, fuck, I fucking hate you.
And she'll be giving you the finger behind your back.
For those sleeping in a different room, you also can't sleep in another place.
Or if you guys get divorced, you'll get fucked with this abandonment clause.
You gotta watch out.
You always got to be on your guard with your wife.
Never totally give up a hundred percent.
And I don't think women appreciate that when you're just like, you're my everything.
Just like those people I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast where they call AAA and just wait.
You always got to be on your guard.
So you always got to wonder, is she cheating on me?
I mean, you know, you're not a paranoid lunatic, but just keep it as like 4% of your brain.
What if she's cheating on me?
What if she's planning a divorce?
You know, always like check her texts every year or so.
Never totally relax and always be courting.
I've told this story a thousand times, but it's really important.
My father-in-law fell down our front steps.
There's only four steps, but he fell in a really comical, embarrassing way that was right out of Sesame Street, where it's like, five golden pies.
Whoa!
And he goes toppling down the stairs and cream pies hit him in the head.
Really comical.
And he got up and he said, don't tell, uh, and he said my wife's name and my mother-in-law's name.
And I thought that is such a crucial lesson that every man should know about marriage, about relationships.
We usually learn it the hard way.
And the way I convey it to other young men is, if you're running, you got a chocolate cake in your hand, you're running down the street, you fall and you go face first into the chocolate cake, you look up, the cake's ruined, you are a chocolate cake man.
It's just a mouth and two eyes.
All right?
That's a funny story to tell your friends.
Do not tell your girlfriend that story.
Don't tell your girlfriend any story where you're weak.
You can cry at a movie if it's suitable, but you can't ugly cry.
You can't go... You have to do the cry, and you should be war-related.
Should be World War II kind of thing.
I wasn't... I wasn't... Were you a hero, Grandad?
No, but I fought alongside some.
One tear can go down your cheek.
You can wipe it away.
Children in duress?
Yes.
People overcoming, getting together and overcoming adversity?
You may cry in the movie.
You can't cry like, oh my god, I'm just so scared for my friend.
I don't know, maybe if he has cancer or something, but no.
You can't be weak around your spouse.
But anyway, sorry, I'm really dragging this out.
So be on your guard.
It's possible she has a divorced lawyer telling her shit like, make sure he gets an apartment near that better school, and then make sure he stays there, and then we can push abandonment, and the fact that he hasn't lived in the house for a year, then he's really fucked.
That could be going on.
And if she does something crazy, like starts smashing plates, I'm sorry to say this guys, record it with your fucking phone.
It might come up in court.
If she says she's gonna kill herself or she needs to go to a loony bin, record it.
So that's all the horrible stuff about marriage.
And it's very, this is like 2% guys.
This is not what marriage is.
I know I'm gonna get these single millennials going, well if that's fucking marriage, constantly worried about getting your life ruined, then I don't want it.
Look, it's possible you might get in a car accident.
You have to be aware of that.
That's not what driving is.
It's possible you're gonna get robbed in New York.
You're gonna get mugged.
The odds are still very low, but when you're on the subway, you don't pull out your wallet and start counting how much money you have on you.
Gotta be aware.
And in marriage, yeah, it's okay to not speak to her for two weeks.
You can also have maybe a year where you're only having sex once a month.
You're going through changes.
I'm going through changes.
I can't tell you how many women have said, I want a divorce.
And the men have gone, well, I'm not the kind of guy that wants to make someone love me because that's the way guys are.
They don't want trouble.
So they just go, all right, well, I tried.
Why are you laughing?
I'm screening this email.
It's so fucking funny.
Okay, we'll do that last.
That'll be the last email.
And then they quit, and then she freaks out, and she sees him at a party a year later, and she's crying, and she goes, why didn't you fight for me?
I can honestly tell you five examples of divorced couples, young couples with young kids, where she's gone, why did you let this happen?
I want you back.
And the man always says, fuck no.
I've already moved on.
So ladies, they play with fire, they push him and he says, fine, I'm out.
And then she regrets it.
So just, I wrote a great article about this called divorce your wife at tacky mag.com where I said, if things are really, really shitty, then break up with her and then meet a new girl who looks exactly like her named her and just record your wife from scratch.
Like take a year off, not a year, but have like a four months where you guys aren't speaking and then just treat her as a new person that you haven't met yet and go out for drinks with her and fucking buy her flowers.
Recourt your wife as a new person.
She doesn't even have to know that you mentally divorced the previous version of her.
All right, let's make your letter the last letter.
One last thing, by the way.
I don't like divorce.
I hate when men brag about it.
It freaks me out when someone has a baby and they're divorced.
That being said, I try to reserve judgment.
For people Regarding people who are divorced because I've been doing it.
When did I get married?
Oh five I've been doing it for 14 years.
I guess about to be 15 years.
I Don't know what's gonna happen in the next five years.
I might end up being divorced.
So I don't judge people It's fucking hard to pull off There's a lot of ups and downs.
And one of the great things about my marriage is my parents are still together and her parents are still together.
So we sort of have this Catholic mentality of just fucking ride it out, ride the storm, hate each other for a month.
That's fine.
Whereas you Puerto Ricans just go, Hey man, I'm kind of bored.
I want to, I want to get lost.
Okay.
Bye.
Like when your dad walked out on you, your grandparents like, okay, I guess we'll raise them.
Bye.
I wasn't even, I wasn't even months old.
Yeah.
He just, he didn't want to have a kid.
He's like, I just got to America.
You, you just wanted to bang me.
I mean, I can't stick around.
And he wound up owning a business, starting a business because of it.
So I don't really care.
He just, he wasn't trying to have a kid.
Why'd he come in her?
He was Japanese and dumb.
He just got here.
But wait, was he still hanging out with her while she was pregnant?
I don't think so.
I mean, they worked at the same place, they were both hair stylists, so possibly?
But I don't know.
Is this making you uncomfortable?
No, I'm just curious.
Why are you stretching?
I've been stretching the whole time my back hurts.
It looks like an uncomfortable stretch.
No, my back feels really bad.
This is what shoplifters do when they get caught, they start stretching.
The door was open, but you know.
I thought this was free chapstick.
It's in the impulse buy section.
It's right next to take a penny.
Um, but yeah, I was supposed to be an abortion.
I found that out like two years ago.
You are almost an abortion.
You are okay.
I'm going to call you abortion.
That's not nice.
You know, sometimes when you talk, I can tell that you should have been an abortion.
Yeah.
Maybe they started it and just gave up.
That's going to be your new nickname on the show.
Abortion!
But we have to say it in the Sex Pistols way.
I've not heard that song.
What?
Or anything else.
Ever.
I have three letters that are really good.
Have you not heard of the Sex Pistols before?
Yes, I have.
I told you I have childhood memories of the Sex Pistols movie.
That song is called Bodies.
Uh-huh.
And it's about a woman who had an abortion.
Wow.
She was a case of insanity.
Her name was Polly.
She lived in a tree.
She was the one who killed her baby.
She took her letters from the country.
She was an animal.
She was a bloody disgrace.
Bodies.
It's kind of a pro-life song.
Sounds like it.
Although, Johnny Rotten denies that now.
Do you want to just play the beginning?
Sure.
So we can hear abortion.
What a band!
I like how they're supposed to be anti-rock and they're just a really good rock band.
We gotta start a punk band just for the gaff of it.
I tried that.
I had an 80's hardcore cover band called 80's Hardcore.
Sorry.
Too old.
Exhausting.
And I'd get a headache from the screaming.
Can't do it.
You know what's a very underrated band by the way?
It's the Professionals.
Which is Steve Jones and Paul Cook post-Sex Pistols.
And they're kind of like almost soccer chants kind of stuff.
Really fucking good band.
Alright, read that letter that was making you laugh.
We gotta wrap it up here.
We got shit to do.
Okay.
I have three good ones, but I'll pick this one, the funny one.
Hey, Ryan Gavin mentioned using Clorox wipes for wiping your butt in the last podcast.
This reminded me when I was in Afghanistan and we ran out of toilet paper.
One of the guys in my platoon had some Clorox wipes he was going to use.
We tried to tell him it was a bad idea, but he said, it just says not to get it in your eyes.
Well, not your brown eye either, dude.
Truth.
All three of them.
So he used them.
That's true.
Afterwards.
That's true.
That's true.
Afterward, he was complaining that his asshole was burning really badly.
Sadly, another guy in my platoon, just to give you a little insight on this guy, he thought Abraham Lincoln was black because he'd only ever seen him on a penny.
Holy shit, that's the toughest thing I've ever heard.
And once he confused the term swamp ass with Asperger's, so he was telling everybody he had Asperger's, which no one just bothered to respond to.
They just accepted that.
They're like, okay.
Holy shit, that's good.
He thought swamp ass meant Asperger's.
He'd tell people he had Asperger's. - They responded, With, oh, the guy responded to the Clorox thing with, well, yeah, if you could put it in your eye, you could put it in your ass.
Words I still live by today.
Thanks, Caleb.
The bleach will eat away at your anal lips.
Holy flips.
But it is kind of a cool wake up call to do, like, once every year.
Dude, I think I might... I don't want to forget this one.
This one's quick.
Wait, I gotta add something.
It reminded me of another story.
And I'm allowed to say this.
I never disparage the military or the police, but I'm allowed to do this because it was told to me by a guy who fought with him in Somalia.
He said he met a guy who he fought with who was so dumb that he didn't get PTSD.
And he just thought, man, that Somalia was crazy!
He just files all that under crazy.
Yeah, we were in a tank and these dudes are fighting at us and they're throwing like they some of them at RPGs.
They almost blew us up.
So we like we shot a bunch of them.
We killed a bunch of guys and we got the fuck out of there, man.
It was nuts.
Yeah.
And you know, people were deeply traumatized by it.
There was that Black Hawk Down, right?
It was about Somalia.
But this guy was just like, oh, yeah, I remember Somalia.
Fucking nuts, man.
Everyone was shooting at us.
It was crazy.
Like he was totally fine.
He didn't have to go to any counseling afterwards.
He's like, when are we going back?
What?
Let's do Afghanistan next.
I hear it gets real hot.
They got these crazy firecrackers that make your arms fall off and then your eyes close and you just fall asleep forever.
You lost your arms?
That's fucked up.
How are you going to like play the guitar, man?
I guess you could just with your mouth, you go like... I had a friend of mine just never fell asleep in Afghanistan.
Never woke up.
Just still sleeping.
He wasn't that bad.
Oh.
This reminded me of a letter that I wanted to get to actually.
I didn't mean to trivialize anything.
It's dangerous territory there.
My grandfather would have slapped me in the face if I said that in front of him.
Well, you're allowed to make fun of that guy, though, if a military guy did.
Oh, true.
Yeah, fuck him.
No, I'm just kidding.
The only, the farthest I'll go is every time that there is a memorial for the survivors of Pearl Harbor, none of them are hot.
What did Terry Shepard say?
Terry Shepard smirked and then he stopped himself and he goes, I'm not allowed to laugh at that joke.
Um, I got this letter from Rico Gallimberti.
Oh, we're not allowed to say last names.
I don't give a fuck Okay, don't send we have way too many letters any if we can think of anything to slow down these letters then let's do it.
Yeah Um, all right Gavin, I think I and by the way, I worse than Hitler's a stupid thing to say I I think I've found the guy.
You ready for this?
Worst person on earth?
Oh yeah.
Worse than a murderer.
He should be- If I was Trump, I would put this guy in prison.
And he'd say, what's the charge?
And I'd just say, fuck you.
You ready for this?
Sure.
This is the worst guy I've ever encountered.
I think I encountered someone worse than the mashed potato guy you saw on vacation.
And he's referring, of course, to one of the times I went to Jamaica.
It was all-inclusive resort.
Huge variety.
Jamaican food isn't that good.
There's not a lot of variety.
There's jerk chicken and basically that's it.
But this is a resort.
So they have all the classic Jamaican stuff.
And then other awesome stuff.
Great Italian.
It's a buffet at a very expensive resort.
It's obviously awesome.
And this fucking guy, he had just Basically your hat's worth of potatoes.
Mashed potatoes.
That's it.
Yikes.
And then he went and sat down.
And I just decided, because I need to hate.
I need hate in my life.
Yeah.
Like hippies are all about love, I'm all about hate.
Now at a resort, I don't know anyone.
So I sit there with like this, like a pit bull who's just been unleashed.
I need to bite something.
So I see him.
And then for the rest of the trip, every time I see him, I just scowl.
And if he sits near me, I move.
And if he's on the beach, I make sure we're not near him.
Like I, he's my Satan for that trip.
So that's what that guy was referring to.
Anyway, my neighbor is in his late thirties.
He's married and he works from home.
He and his wife have one child together.
Who's in the second grade.
Here are the highlights.
By the way, with kids, one is for pussies, two is for fags, three is a bare minimum.
One, if you have a one, if you have one child, you're not a parent.
Okay?
You're just practicing.
So, I'm already annoyed.
Here are the highlights.
One, he's a craft beer enthusiast.
Fuck you.
Two, he wears flip-flops all of the time.
Fuck you and your toes.
I'm adding the fuck you's, by the way.
Three.
He regularly wears superhero t-shirts.
Fuck you from your stupid chest.
Fuck your head, because it drinks craft beer.
Fuck your torso, because it says Wolverine.
And fuck your feet, because they're in my face.
I have to look at your hairy man toes.
I'm going to move to that Italian mountainside town that makes flip-flops illegal.
One, two, three, four.
What do you hear four and five?
Four, he collects Legos for himself and spends hours of his free time building spaceships from Star Wars without his kids' help.
It's so bad that it has negatively affected his marriage at times.
By the way, that's the bad guy in the Lego movie, Will Ferrell.
He plays a guy who's a dad who collects Lego and doesn't do it with his kid.
Right.
And yes, I saw the Lego movie.
I watch children's movies reluctantly with my kids.
I wouldn't watch the Lego movie by myself.
And the fact that you fuckers give a shit about Star Wars is pathetic.
Star Wars is for kids.
It's a kids movie.
Superheroes are for nerds who get beat up who want to fantasize that they could just say SHAZAM!
And then they'd be a big guy who could beat up the bully.
It's to help the victims of bullies feel better.
You're 32!
And we're not even done.
This is the fifth one.
And this is why I had to read this letter.
He lives in the Midwest.
However, he flies to Disney World to vacation several times a year, every year.
The worst thing about this is, nine times out of ten, he doesn't take his kid!
Wow.
His child has to stay with her fucking grandparents while he and his wife spend a week there without her!
He's even vacationed at Disney World completely by himself before!
Oh my god.
No wife or kid, just him!
That's a bad person.
That's a shitty piece of shit.
Yeah.
I'm gonna email this guy back.
I never email our letters back.
Please send pics.
Oh, yes!
We need to see what this fucker looks like.
Holy shit, I hate this dude.
I hate this fucking guy.
People talk about racism and antisemitism.
I have no room!
For such nuance.
Someone's skin?
Someone doesn't believe in Jesus?
They have the same religion as me, basically, but they cut out a guy?
I don't give a fuck.
I hate this person.
This person is at the top of my hate list.
Fuck you, neighbor of Rico.
All right, we gotta go.
I don't have anything to plug.
DefendGavin.com.
What are we at now?
We'll get to the other letters next time.
We'll try to.
I don't know.
We read three and get ten.
I was interested in this one.
I'll just ask you off air and then... No, well, you gotta tell the people now.
We're 95% funded at DefendGavin.com.
Nice.
$236,000.
And you know what's fun about this lawsuit?
- Nice. - $236,000.
And you know what's fun about this lawsuit?
During the discovery, we learned about Chase Bank being influenced by the SPLC, Twitter taking their orders from SPLC, Instagram, Now we have lawsuits against all them.
This is just the beginning.
This is just getting the artillery, the stockpile.
We haven't even started the war yet.
This is going to be huge.
And the fact that the ACLU is jumping on board shows that the SPLC is shitting their pants and doesn't, contrary to what they say publicly, doesn't think this is a trivial deal.
All right.
Last word goes to Ryan.
I always regret this.
This letter is going to suck.
We had the worst guy in the world, Rico's neighbor.
And you said, nope, I want to end on this.
So this is going to be better than someone literally worse than Hitler.
Let's see what you got.
Okay, a while ago, Greg Fitzsimmons said that you were on his podcast, and you said something about women that was soooo heinous, they edited it out.
Also, according to him, the next day after it aired, you called him, yelling at him to put it back in.
I was curious, so was I, as to what it might have been that he thought was so offensive.
Sincerely, Carter.
Frankly, I have no idea.
Do you remember that, though, vaguely?
He... No.
I would yell at him for cutting something out.
That would piss me off.
Sure, sure.
I mean, it's not... It's a podcast.
And he's a comedian.
I liked Greg Fitzsimmons.
I thought we got along really well.
He called me back much later when I was going through that tranny controversy.
And as we were talking, I said, yeah, no, I said that they're meant, there's no such thing as they're just mentally ill gays.
And I said, a lot of these trannies, you gotta understand.
And then he goes, what, what'd you say?
Go, uh, trannies?
And he goes, oh, come on, Gavin, you can't say that.
Trannies?
I mean, that's the difference between LA and New York.
They are really like, they say first nations for American Indians and all that shit.
Um, shit I wish I could remember what it was.
I probably said, I mean the SPLC brings up that I said women love to be dominated.
They leave out the part where I said sexually.
Pretty, pretty big detail to leave out.
Women don't want to be dominated at home.
Hey bitch, go upstairs get me a fucking beer.
Try that with your wife, see how well it goes.
They bought 30 Shades of Grey just to throw it in the trash.
You know?
But, uh, yeah.
But, um, no, Greg Fitzsimmons was a cool guy, but he's typical of a lot of comedians where they don't want to jeopardize their careers.
They want to keep everything safe.
But Mark Maron did a whole interview with me.
There was no controversy.
Oh, then the Tranny thing happened.
But even before the Tranny thing happened, he refused to air my What The Fuck podcast.
Oh, man.
I fucked with him on Twitter about it a bunch.
He claims it was because I didn't know you were such a transphobe and that would have been included in the podcast.
And I go, well, why don't you...
Interview me now and we'll include it.
And no response.
But you know what really it was really about?
He was talking about education.
And like a lot of dumbasses in LA, he hadn't really looked into it.
He just like saying, children are our future.
And it's systemic.
And there's not just one thing you can do that will fix education in America.
There's a million different problems.
And I succinctly proved that there is one thing.
It's called making it possible to fire them.
Charter school teachers get paid less than public school teachers and charter schools do much better and that's because teachers know they can't get fired.
Here...
You can say the n-word, you can fuck a student, and you'll go to one of their rubber rooms, sometimes indefinitely, sometimes for the rest of your career, and just sit there.
Because the unions are so incredibly powerful.
And when you can't get fired, you do your job shittily.
That's why education sucks in America.
And I brought that up with Marin, and it made him look stupid, and he banned the episode.
And then, about a month later, when the trainee thing happened, he could use that.
I see.
Somebody actually, 2015, Mark did a AMA on Reddit, and then somebody said, hey, big fan, whatever, I'm also a fan of Gavin McInnes, he said you guys did a podcast, any plans on releasing that?
And Mark responds, nah, it's no longer relevant.
Wow.
Which is an attack on me, right?
He's saying I'm not relevant.
No, I don't think, I don't know, because it was a while ago before that, maybe.
But we weren't talking about the local news that day.
Right.
That's a shitty lie.
Yeah.
I hate Mark Maron.
He personifies everything I hate about comedians and liberals in general, where they do this like, oh man, I'm so fucked up.
Oh, geez.
And then they fuck their 22 year old intern and she falls in love with him.
And then he gets bored of her, dumps her.
And then she's like, oh, well now I'm 30 and my ovaries are all dried up.
I thought we were kind of a thing.
No, I'm, I'm so fucked up.
Oh man, I'm so fucked up.
Ah man, you know, I'm fucked up.
It's these liberal pussies, and you know, we always think of the Virginia Tech and the date-raping jock, and that's the archetype in America of the men just going through a woman's lives.
It's not!
It's the beta male pussy liars like Marc Maron, who trample young women, totally manipulate them.
Look at Thurston Moore in Sonic Youth, the big feminist with Kim Gordon, and then he dumps her to go fuck his intern.
It's the nice guys that fuck the passed out girls while they're asleep.
It's the beta male sweethearts that you need to watch out for.
The ones that act like your ally.
Those are the ones that are going to rape you.
The fucking date raping jocks are not date raping anyone.
They're getting laid on their own.
Ladies, if you're out there, be wary of the nice guys.
They do not have your best interests at heart.
They didn't get laid in high school and they want revenge.
The more they pretend to be victims, the more they have victims.
