We start out this epsiode with a look at boxing and how getting over your fear of being punched comes in handy when riding a motorcycle. This brings us to discussions about combing garageland with your BS detector and how dishonest we all are when it comes to reading the news as a big pile of corny rumors. You don’t care about Lori Loughlin cheating to get her daughter into college. You just want the beautiful people to suffer. You don’t really think the Mueller report is a smoking gun. You just want Trump to lose. We also get deep into some cocaine stories that takes us from Costa Rica to a $30m yacht off the coast of Somalia. It’s a wild ride so take your helmet off and let’s go!
I think I figured out boxing, but boxing is kind of esoteric.
Even people who like fighting watch MMA.
But... I was in the ring today.
I was getting punched in the face.
Not hard.
The guys that I was sparring with today are way out of my league, so it's like favors.
It's like teaching a little kid how to ride a bike.
Yeah, you're doing good.
You gotta breathe, little guy.
Um... But when you're on a motorcycle, You can be totally safe and be sure that you're never going to die and everything's going to be smooth.
And even if that guy does something crazy, you're good.
If you do that, you're not going to go faster than 45 miles an hour.
You might get up to 50 sometimes on a very safe parkway.
But you're not going to go fast.
So in order to enjoy yourself on a motorcycle, you have to have an element of, if I die, I die.
That's how you get up to 75.
You accept that you might not make this and you, you, you're not stupid.
You don't drive drunk.
You make sure you got your helmet on and everything.
And you have the leather jacket, blah, blah, blah.
And you don't drive in the rain and you don't drive over gravel very fast, but you have to sort of, in order to really enjoy it, you have to sort of throw your hands up, not literally, and go, if I wipe out, I wipe out.
If some drunk driver comes out of nowhere and hits me, I'm going to die.
And that's the way you ride a motorcycle normally.
You can't do it perfectly safe.
Similarly, When you get in the ring and you go, I'm not going to get punched once.
Anytime something comes at me, I'm going to block it.
If things get too intense, I'm going to call timeout.
You have to just go, I'm going to get clocked a good three times.
I'm not going to like them.
I'm going to go deaf in one ear when he hits me with that left hook.
And that's that.
Once you accept that, that you're going to get bonked, And even just learn to ignore it which is that's the real art of boxing is being punched in the face and ignoring it.
Once you can get to that level and not worry about pugilistic dementia or getting knocked out or anything like that or getting broken ribs.
Once you get it then you're not gonna get killed obviously it's not a real fight.
With a stranger in a ring with like, ding, ding, ding, people cheering.
I assume that there's a similar philosophy though when you get to that level.
But when you're just sparring with guys, you accept that there's going to be some, some blows.
I think there was another trainer from another gym that a friend of mine went to where his motto was, be brave, you're going to get hit.
And that's a good life lesson.
You're going to get fired.
It happens to everyone.
And it's only a good reason half the time.
Half the time, you should have seen it coming, dude.
You were late three times.
You're on your phone at work.
You don't know anything about the company.
You leave at five on a Friday to the decimal place.
You tell the worst joke ever told.
Okay, for those at home, I just turned around and looked at Gavin and he's not happy.
Should I tell the joke?
Oh, you're saying that you were fired for telling a terrible joke today.
Yeah.
Um, you can tell it if you want to be killed.
If you want people to, like, you could confess on this show that you're a pedophile and the odds are someone might find you and beat the shit out of you, especially someone who was molested at some point.
I'd say the odds of you getting the shit kicked out of you for what you're about to say are higher.
Hmm.
But go nuts, I'd like you to get beat up.
Okay, well... Why did Uno yawn?
Am I supposed to say why?
Ask what you asked before, too, just to clarify.
Why did Uno yawn?
The card game?
Yes.
So we're making a card game, an inanimate object, we're anthropomorphizing it for the joke.
We're making it a person.
It's already kind of funny.
No, you can't just say that!
Why did the toast yawn?
Okay, whatever.
So we made it a person, got it.
So why did Uno yawn?
Why did a deck of cards yawn?
Why did Uno yawn?
Why?
Because... Cardboard.
I mean, am I missing something?
I get the pun on board, but what role does the word card play?
Because Uno is a card game.
But why did you- why say- because it- you should- you could have say- I don't know.
You should have said, but it was because it was cardboard.
And no one thinks of playing cards as cardboard.
When you say cardboard, we think of the corrugated paper.
I was literally just throwing away cardboard and I said... Well that was the box for the Uno.
Holy fuck.
Does everyone at home agree with me?
Can you feel the knife going right between his sort of solar plexus there?
Just below his ribs and just so you get maximum organs.
Otoya Yamaguchi right into the side with your katana.
Just twist it to twist the knife.
Maximum organs also playing at the mercury level.
Maximum organs.
You know, if I get really horny, I, uh, my stomach explodes and I have multiple organs.
Yeah.
That was pretty bad.
That was bad.
Yeah.
Um, the joke that when you told me about, uh, your friend that was hung like a bowl of spaghetti the other day, Oh yeah, that was funny.
The reason I was like, why did I laugh that hard at it?
And it's because you were like, his dick was so big and I was thinking of just things that are big and dick shaped.
And then the next thing you say is bowl of spaghetti and I just picture boop, bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah.
Just popping up in my head.
That's the way it was.
It was long and skinny.
I'll tell everyone the story just to catch them up.
There was this dude, Mark Ryan in the scene and he was this hardcore dude, American hardcore, but He was into hardcore and everything in the 80s and even the 90s, but he was fucking into punk rock in the 70s when he was like 3 years old.
He was going to CBGB.
He's younger than me, I think, and he used to go to CBGBs.
Back when it was hot.
Back in the early 80s.
He must have been 11, honestly.
He was a fucking cool dude.
He's still around.
He's not dead.
But, um...
He used to do graffiti.
He's like, why does everyone make up a fucking nickname for themselves?
I'm not ashamed of who I am.
And like the cops would ever put it together.
They're too fucking stupid.
So I'm going to make my graffiti tag Mark Ryan.
And it wasn't written in a kooky way.
It was just Mark Ryan.
Almost like a Basquiat lettering.
And he wrote his name.
He never got busted for it once.
One time, I almost went, remember I told you I went to jail for four hours?
Yeah.
I met him on the way to the fight.
So one of our employees, Sarah Bernia, got hand slapped.
She fired this fucking dunce who was a rich kid pot dealer with a top bun.
And this is back in the early 2000s when no one had top buns.
Now it's hard to get annoyed by them because they're everywhere.
It's like flip-flops.
It's like being a homophobe in the West Village.
You just, you get exhausted.
Um, and she fired him, and then he whacked, she's a little tiny Pilipina.
Uh, fuckin' probably five feet tall.
He whacked her, like as hard as a punch, but with an open-handed slap in the head.
She's crying, she calls us.
We go, no problem, we're on the way!
And so I jump in a taxi and I run down to kill him.
And, uh, as, what was it now?
Was it before?
Yeah.
As I'm getting in the taxi, I see Mark Ryan.
He goes, yo, where are you going?
I go, I gotta go beat up this fucking guy that just beat up Sarah.
And he goes, yo, I'm gonna come with you.
So he gets in the car and he, you know, he has that, it's, it's going to sound to a non New Yorker, like a black affectation.
Um, but it wasn't like that.
It would be if it was in the Midwest, but he, he might have even been racist for all I know.
Uh, but he wasn't trying to be black.
This is just, when you go up in Jersey and the East Village, you have that accent.
So he's in the car and he's like, yo, he's got his hands up.
Yo, this is a blessing in disguise.
Yo, I was so fucking mad this morning.
Everything in my life has turned to shit.
And then you fucking show up and now we're gonna fucking brawl.
And I start telling him the whole story in the cab on the way there.
And then he goes, oh, that dude who used to work at the Vice store with the top bun.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I supply him weed.
I can't go with you because he's going to rat me out.
And I said, OK, bye.
So he got out of the car.
And we go there, he's gone home, we go to his house, and I headbutt him and he goes to jail because he runs from the other guy, Sarah's boyfriend, Shane, and when he comes out he gives the wrong day of the fight, and the only reason I had to spend time in jail is because they were checking my fingerprints, blah blah blah.
Anyway.
Mark Ryan also was this dude, I think he was getting involved in smack, and he was famous for having a big dick, and he said, I think I want to do porn.
So he moved to LA to do porn.
I think he did very, I think he did well for himself.
Huh.
Anyway, I always thought of myself as a guy with a big dick, but I come from a small town.
Big fish, small pond.
Big dick, small pond, yeah.
Well, that's kind of my joke.
You just exposed it a little more.
So we're walking down the street.
I would hang out with him quite a bit, actually.
And I go, I hear you got a big dick.
And he's with his girlfriend.
And she goes, you've no idea.
Jesus, I can't even walk.
I don't enjoy it.
She's standing next to him.
And I go, let's see what you got.
And I pull my dick out.
And it's 4% larger than an average penis.
Nothing to write home about.
He pulls his underwear out and I look down and I see a bowl of spaghetti.
There is no beginning, middle or end to his dick.
It's just, it looks like Indiana Jones's nightmares.
It's just a huge basket of snakes.
There's no, it's not like you went, oh, that's a pretty big dick.
I see it.
I couldn't see it.
It was like 37 long dicks.
Um, so yeah.
37 long dicks is playing at the Mercury Luncheon.
Night of the long dicks.
Right.
You know, it's like, um, so you're picturing things that are even remotely shaped like snakes, like you said, or stuff like that.
And then you just pop bowl of spaghetti in my head.
And I picture it was a white bowl spaghetti with a little bit of sauce on top and two little meatballs.
Yeah.
You know what?
Don't explain why things are funny.
Oh.
It's like sex.
You don't discuss it.
And folks at home, don't laugh at any time during intercourse.
That's not the place for it.
Even if there's a queef, I don't break for queefs.
Her pussy, and when I say her, I'm talking about my single days, not my wife.
I never talk about my sex life with my wife, or specifics anyway.
But yeah, back in the day, if I could hear like, I wouldn't so much as flinch.
And she might even go, oh my, that's something else.
I would just... I'm an animal.
I'm like a juggernaut in the sack.
I got nothing to say.
I don't crack any jokes.
I don't even talk.
I used to try to say things, but it would come out like, I wanna cum on my tits.
Oh, sorry, wrong pronoun.
Your tits.
Pronouns are real tricky.
Oh yeah, I like that.
Yeah, I wanna lick my pussy.
Your pussy.
You can't do it.
It's too hard to speak.
Got a lot of stuff to talk about this podcast.
Lot of stuff!
Is that Chris Rock?
Yeah.
It's obviously not very good to ask who he is.
We got a lot of stuff to talk about today!
I love talking about stuff today!
There's not a white man in this room who would trade places with me and I'm rich!
Right.
Yeah, Chris, because trading places with another human is fucking weird.
Uh, we don't know, we don't know if you die when we become you.
Do we retain any of our memories?
What happens at, um... What happens at, uh, Thanksgiving?
Do we go see my parents or your parents?
I have nothing to say to your parents, Chris Rock.
And they wouldn't recognize you.
They'd be like, who are you?
You'd be like, it's me!
Yeah, and plus I'd be in Chris Rock's head, so you'd see Chris Rock and everything, and then they'd expect a lot of racist shit!
And I would just be going, hi, how are you?
You must be my new parents.
Or do you talk like them?
Or do I involuntarily talk like them?
Yeah.
Do I maybe open my mouth to say, hey, could you pass the cheese?
And I go, someone pass the cheese.
I need some cheese in this motherfucker right here.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
That's so much better than mine.
That's what I said when Mark Ryan showed me his bowl of spaghetti.
When the moon hits... Oh wait, that's a big pizza pie.
I quit.
Folks at home, Ryan Katsuravera tried amphetamines today to try to get a bunch of work done, and it's made him slower and dumber.
Which I think means you're supposed to take it.
I pounded it down with Corona too, so I think I'm just off.
He pounded it down!
I pounded it down.
I'll stop.
But I think I do.
The best Scottish I could do is just a dad impression.
Your dad impression.
That's serious.
That's not really Scottish.
That's a Scotsman trying to sound un-Scottish.
How are you, my boy?
I have your waterbed and you plop down on top of the waterbed.
It's deeper and a little more dubious.
That sounds like he cares how you feel.
He's more like, do your worst.
Like when I said, he told me, when I told him my daughter, my wife was pregnant with my first kid, my daughter, uh, that's a big announcement.
Grandparents are supposed to care.
And he just stares at me like he didn't get my joke.
And I go, so I'm having a kid.
And he goes, been there, done that.
No.
Also in a fuck you way.
Not even like, been there, done that.
I kinda get excited.
It was just, he looked at me like, hey bitch, been there, done that.
And I said to him at the time, this is like 10 years ago now.
I was also going through a boxing thing back then.
It was a long lull between then and now.
And I said, Dad, I've been boxing every day.
I could fucking knock you out.
I would punch you.
You would go flying backwards on that chair and you'd just be lying there with your arms in the T-Rex position, completely unconscious for about five to ten minutes.
And he just, and he had his head down like he was falling asleep at that point.
And then he just sort of pulls his head up with his eyes half closed like Jim Brewer.
Yeah.
And he goes, do your worst.
And I was so close to just punching his, like his nose has been broken 8 billion times.
He looks like KRS-One.
And I thought, I could do that.
And ruin our relationship forever?
Or, uh... I could just not let him win.
Because he would appreciate it.
He likes that.
He likes pushing people's buttons.
And if you're 72 and you've been pushing people's buttons your whole life, then simply making them mad or making them cry, that doesn't... Oh my god, I just remember he made his friend cry.
His friend's mother had died or something at a very late age, right?
Because my dad's old.
Maybe she was like 92.
And my dad's sitting there at the pub and he's like, that's terrible.
Kevin, how did that make you feel?
He was pretty bad, Jim.
Pretty bad, eh?
I mean, I'm having trouble.
I know I'm an old man.
I'm 58 years old, but it really cuts to the quick.
And he goes, I mean, the realization that you'll never see her again and all the wonderful things she did.
He sounds sympathetic.
He was pushing it and pushing it till he could make her, make him cry.
And then eventually the guy just went, my dad just was like, yeah, I did that.
Wow.
Success.
I made him cry.
That's no bad.
That's quite a talent I got, by the way.
Just making a man fucking cry his bloody eyes out and all.
Imagine he shames him afterwards.
You pathetic crier.
Look at you, you poof.
She was 92 years old, for fuck's sakes, man.
Throws money on the bar and leaves.
You make me sick.
I'm going to go put on a turban and grow my beard long and carry a dagger.
Get it?
Uh, no.
Okay, why were you laughing?
Because the way you sound is funny.
Sikh.
S-I-K-H.
Ah, yes.
They wear turbans and they carry daggers.
Right.
Daggers, yes.
Actually, you can use that, folks at home.
If someone is saying something, like, that sounds pathetic, you should just say to them, you make me Sikh.
No, no, sorry, sorry.
You say to them, I'm gonna go put on a turban and grow my beard really long and carry a dagger, because you make me Sikh.
I like it.
Yeah, I'm gonna start using it.
But before we get started!
Oh, sorry.
With all this news, we have a new sponsor for the show!
Which is actually an old sponsor.
It's the old BetTSI!
Remember BetTSI?
Yes, yes I do.
They are now a sponsor of our show.
But for how long?
That's my Captain Kirk!
Um, we just started this, so I haven't really dug my heels in yet.
What I want to do is set up an account with BetDSI myself and start betting on the Mets.
I had a funny idea that I'm too late for, but what would happen if you bet $100 on every Mets game?
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I think we have our own Gav page.
Let me just see if you go, what happens if you go forward slash Gavin?
It's not going to work.
All right, let's get to, is it?
No.
Oh, yes it is.
Yes.
Go betdsi slash Gavin.
So betdsi.com slash Gavin will take you to the Gav page where you can see me wearing my vintage north-faced vest, my Mets hat, and a lovely old, no, actually a new flannel I got from Woolrich.
God, what a gay way to describe yourself.
Yeah, so I want to try betting on every single game with the Mets just to see what happens.
Because obviously you can lose $16,000 if they lose every single game.
But that would never happen in a million years.
And obviously the Mets, they're not the best team in the world, so you're probably going to see more losses than wins.
But when there's wins, the odds are probably going to be against them because of their reputation.
So there'll be big wins.
So I think I could make $1,400.
I could lose $600.
I think that's the... And this is totally off the dome.
Now, my grandfather was a bookie.
Johnny McGinnis.
And nobody would trust a fucking Irishman.
So he changed his name to Johnny McKinnis.
Because in Scotland, the Irish are no popular, especially in Glasgow.
Even though he was Irish, by the way!
I'm fucking Irish.
McKinnis is no my name.
When people say McGinnis, I get pissed off, but they're actually pronouncing it correctly!
Guess why he stopped being a bookie?
Why?
Because he couldn't make any money.
Guess why?
He spent it all on booze?
No, he was actually pretty good.
That was his children who did that.
His sons.
Oh.
He wouldn't take money from women.
And the other bookies would.
Because the other bookies had no scruples.
But if a woman had money back then, we're talking about the 30s?
Then something's not right.
Because a woman got her allowance from a man.
That's sexist.
Yeah, fuck off.
It's 1930.
You have to... people have their Nazi glasses.
Their Nazi glasses.
And they put them on and they can't see the past correctly.
Different time.
What he did was noble.
Although kicking the shit out of his... my dad's brothers wasn't quite so noble.
There, Johnny.
My son's not named after you, I'm afraid.
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Terrence Crawford in Madison Square Garden's MSG, yo.
The coolest fighter in boxing today.
Switches stances, jumps to southpaw.
You want to hear some of his awesome bragging?
Yeah.
I'm just going to get in there and fight as hard as I can.
Maybe go home.
He's the Neil Blender of boxing.
Neil Blender was a skateboarder in my day, who I think invented the beanie.
The idea of wearing a beanie, which I'm not a fan of, but it was cool when he did it back then because no one did.
And he would go to these skateboard demonstrations, skateboard competitions, and he would just get on the half pipe, push twice, go up maybe a foot, come back, pick up his board and leave.
Obviously he would lose the competition and he was a pro, but he just did that as a fuck you, whatever.
He was a fucking weird dude, Neil Blender.
And that's who Terrence Crawford is.
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That's code Gavin.
Got it?
Got it.
All right, let's get down to the news before we get down to letters.
In the news today, we got the Mueller Report.
People with no experience in lawfare, Are confused that things are redacted?
100% of document legal documents released to the public are redacted you fools.
We have witnesses we have to protect.
We have ongoing trials like with Roger Stone where you have to cover up the details.
That's how it works.
There's a reason that they wait 70 years to show you things 100%.
Because things are ongoing.
Actually, I don't approve of 70 years.
They should wait until all the witnesses are safe and all the trials are done.
By the way, speaking of trials, James O'Keefe, God bless his cotton socks, he deeply regrets settling early in his career.
And sometimes you settle, like the Proud Boys who took a plea.
It was like, you can keep paying 40 grand, Or you can have five days community service.
What do you do?
You take the community service.
But not the main guys.
The main three or four dudes who are accused of hate crime violence for defending themselves against Antifa on the night of October 12th after I did my Atoya Yamaguchi talk.
They are refusing any settlement.
They wouldn't settle for an hour of community service.
They want to go to court.
And they're going deep into debt to do it.
And they're going to be found completely innocent.
And I hope that they sue the city after this.
Which you can't do if you take any kind of plea.
Anyway, James O'Keefe isn't taking a plea.
You might remember a long time ago, he exposed these teachers at a teachers conference.
And they were bragging about how they can't get fired.
They could say the n-word if they wanted to.
They said you'd have to say the n-word and fuck a student.
I'm paraphrasing, but it was that kind of talk.
So that teacher sued him.
Kind of weird how a teacher would have a good half a million dollars for a four-year trial.
Kind of smells of someone else paying the bills, does it not?
You'll notice if you criticize Big money DNC or big money globalists, even Soros, you'll find that you get wrangled up in a lot of weird lawsuits where people who make 60 grand a year are tormenting you for many years.
Anyway, James refused to settle.
He said, no, I didn't take you out of context.
The whole thing is there.
You said it's impossible to be fired as a teacher.
You listed examples and we exposed you.
Get off my lawn needs to be much closer together at the final shot.
The space between get and off should be the same as the two lines.
Tracking and kerning, Ryan!
Tracking and kerning!
Always be formatting.
A, always, B, B, F, formatting.
ABC, it's an acronym for the alphabet.
A stands for A.
B stands for B. C stands for C. It's an acronym where every letter is the word and it still tells you that you mean the alphabet.
Yes.
No, that's a very Dimitri Martin bit I just came up with.
Right.
Spelling the alphabet?
No, that I'm right.
ABC is an acronym.
And the letters do mean the word.
And it does mean alphabet.
Oh, I see.
You gotta know your ABCs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see ya.
I ABC ya.
Hey!
Wow.
Oh.
Fun vaudeville show today.
I hope Bet DSI enjoys their own first vaudevillian show.
Um, so yeah, the Mueller report is out.
I don't see anything.
Vice News is just reading it live.
People are, the trouble with low-T millennials is they're lazy too.
So it's been out for hours.
No one seems to have read it yet.
And they have all these petty little complaints.
Look, folks, you didn't win.
You lost.
And then you changed your loss to, no, I did win.
Now I want to hear the report.
Look, this is some bearded.
Boring!
True that.
Who would listen to that and not read it?
I guess illiterate people?
associated with the Trump campaign regarding the campaign's foreign policy positions.
- Boring! - True that.
- With a memo to send in a session.
- Who would listen to that and not read it?
I guess illiterate people?
Why would illiterate people care about the report?
So they're saying the report is out.
Vox.
Vox already has their two cents.
They've written a thing.
The expected redactions in the Mueller report.
Grand jury material, sensitive intelligence, blah, blah, blah.
Okay, that sounds pretty reasonable.
Um, yeah, the smoking guns in this are pathetic.
It's all like President Trump saying that this investigation is bullshit.
This is going to ruin my presidency.
I'm fucked.
Yeah.
That's true.
Oh look, we've got Daniel Dale.
He's the Washington correspondent for the Toronto Star.
You gotta see his face.
It is beyond low-key.
It's sub-gay.
He looks like a beautiful pussy.
You know, like you take a few girls home and they're just fucking meat racks, they look like a bulldog ate a jar of mayonnaise when you're done fucking them?
This guy looks like a beautiful pussy.
Like one of those vaginas where you go, I don't even wanna fuck this, it's too nice.
It's just a razor slit.
It's just an Asian person sleeping sideways.
Daniel Dale.
He's got all kinds of stuff.
Notably, Trump's most frequent talking point about the new NAFTA.
NAFTA, NAFTA.
What's this guy got to say?
A lot of retweets.
Mueller went into detail about his reasoning for not laying charges over the Trump Tower meeting.
He considered them under a law that prohibits foreign campaign contributions and forbids Americans to solicit, accept, or receive from them any money or thing of value.
This is, by the way, Eric Trump, or Donald Trump Jr., whatever, going to see someone who said they have incredible gossip on Hillary.
You're not supposed to do that.
Meanwhile, Obama was spying on Trump Tower.
But Trump's son, hearing a rumor that there's this insane smoking gun, is in trouble for going to hear what she had to say.
Fuck you, you fucking liars.
This is my new pet peeve.
So many fucking liars.
You don't care about the report.
You don't think Russia colluded.
You don't really think Trump is a bigot or a Nazi.
You don't really want open borders.
You just want to win.
And right now you're losing, so you're getting petty.
Like when they said the Proud Boys are a hate group, as defined by the Southern Poverty Law Center, they don't really believe that they're a hate group, they just love that this group said they were.
And another big lie is this Lori Loughlin thing.
I'm not a fan of Lori Loughlin.
She's unbelievably hot for someone older than me.
And I'm sure Full House was a fun show.
But what's going on here has nothing to do with the credibility of Caltech and their admissions.
Since when have you given a shit about college admissions and the rowing team?
They lied and said she was a good rower and she got a spot on the rowing team that could have gone to some poor black girl with AIDS.
You're fucking so full of shit.
You're jealous that Lori Loughlin is beautiful, successful, and rich.
Now, I don't want to hang out with her.
So it's weird I'm defending her.
I'm sure she hates Trump.
I'm sure she's a fucking bore.
I'm sure she's super petty.
I'm sure she's one of like all cunty rich housewives.
Oh, not all, but like a lot of cunty rich housewives.
I'm sure she's all about status and has no substance, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Who cares?
I'm never going to meet her.
She's never coming to my birthday party.
I don't care about her personality.
I don't care what she's like.
I don't care about her at all.
But now her and her husband are facing 40 years.
They're facing 40 years because the public is mad at them.
It's the same as Rodney King.
Yes, he got beat by cops.
That was after a massive chase.
And our justice system is contingent on what the mood is of a bunch of uninformed cunts.
It's like the NYC 9.
There was no charges there because there was no victim.
And then de Blasio and everyone got mad, and all the ladies at the DNC started clutching their pearls, and then it was two years in prison, six years probation.
No.
We're not doing that.
So I just wish you'd be honest about it.
You don't really, like, Lori Loughlin's crime, what's the crime?
I don't give a shit about colleges, they're over!
They have, there's a class called How to Be Gay.
No.
Yes.
And now we're talking about the merit of college and how important it is.
It's not a driver's license.
You can't hurt anyone if you give the degree out to anyone who deserves it.
All you're doing is diluting the value of the degree.
Now, I think alumni could sue the school and say, wait a minute, I busted my ass to get straight A's.
I missed a million parties and I got my Caltech degree.
I don't even know if I have the right school, by the way, but who cares?
You are now giving this away to the rich.
You're diluting the value of my degree.
That's a valid beef.
So there's definitely a civil suit potential, but what the fuck is the crime?
If I had a club called the Gavin McInnes Fan Club, and you had to do a bunch of things to get badges.
There was a sewing badge, there was a helping an old lady across the street badge, there was a knockout punch badge, and then it turned out that I was selling these badges for 2,000 bucks.
I haven't committed a crime.
My club's not a legal entity.
All I've done is dilute the value of the club and now the other guys with those badges are less valuable.
Their badges are less valuable.
Universities, especially now, when they've already destroyed their brand.
So the fact that this is on the front page every day is stupid and also gay.
What do you think of that, Ryan?
Hmm.
Tough words on a tough subject.
It's called playing hard balls.
Well, I imagine I took it away from there like I have a segment.
Well, Gavin, I'm glad you asked me.
That brings us to topic number two.
This country as we know.
I had a bunch of stuff written down, but I don't I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to just riff.
But two things we have to catch up on.
One is, I said to you yesterday, I'm international Kevin.
Yeah.
And you said what the fuck's that from I said, I'll tell you on the podcast cuz it's a long story, right?
So when we sold vice to an eccentric billionaire, we've sold him I think it was 25% for a million bucks and we were broke before that.
So all of a sudden we had like 300 grand So we spent it on a house in Costa Rica Me and Shane did we emptied it because we knew we would just blow it on drugs and party it away So we didn't trust ourselves and we bought a house and And it was because we used to go to this place called Montefuma, Coca Rica every year, just get wasted.
It's like a little surf town.
Trouble with it is there's no chicks because it takes about a day and a half to get to if you don't have, if you can't afford to take a private plane or a little, what's it called?
A little Sansa jet.
And we couldn't afford it when we first started going there.
So you get a bus and a ferry and blah, blah, blah.
And eventually you end up there and no chicks want to go there.
So it's just you and a bunch of surf hunks.
Which sucked so we started importing chicks with us like come with us for her because back in the early days of Vice you got all of July off and all of August off because there was I mean sorry all of August off and all of December off because there was no ads being bought.
So we would just hang out there and get fucking so wasted.
Like it was real dedication to getting wasted.
Sure, you'd be late if you brought a chick, but it was about really destroying yourself.
And they sell a lot of cocaine there to the locals.
I don't advocate cocaine use.
Kids, especially my kids, if you're listening, do as I say, not as I do.
I've made some mistakes in the past I'm not proud of.
But they give you this coke and it was one year, by the way, it was pure coke.
That's a whole other story.
I've told many times where This guy, they were running from the Coast Guard and they had, running, boating, they had kilos and kilos of cocaine, right?
And they were throwing them overboard as they were getting chased.
So just like flushing it down the toilet, the DA has to either pull over and get them or keep chasing them and know there's gonna be no coke when you get there.
Anyway, Costa Rica's full of dummies.
Ticos have invented nothing, even their cuisine.
You know what Costa Rican food is?
Turtle shells?
Nothing doesn't exist.
Just beans, rice and fish.
That's it.
If you go to a Costa Rican restaurant, they're lying.
Canadian food has more things that are Canadian, like poutine and beaver tails and maple syrup.
Canadian food is more exotic than Costa Rican food.
They got nothing going on over there.
And you know all this shit about plastic in the ocean?
That's Costa Rica.
They take, and other places like it, like we sit here recycling our shit like crazy.
Meanwhile, China and all of the Caribbean, Central America, South America, they drive their garbage out on a big barge.
Get out to the middle of the ocean, which is not far right in the Caribbean and then drop it and then go back.
Thank you.
Because they think all garbage is bricks.
Well, guess what?
Some garbage is combs, some is flip-flops, some is shampoo bottles, and now the Costa Rican beach line is just full of those three things again and again and again.
One million flip-flops, eight trillion combs.
But yeah, you gotta recycle your fucking cereal box.
So anyway, um...
One year, this guy took home this kilo.
An old fisherman picked up one of the kilos, brought it home.
He brings it to his son, and he goes, Hey, hey, little Tico boy.
I am your father.
Is this of value to you?
And he goes, Yeah, dad.
That's a good million bucks in your fucking hand right now.
That's assuming we don't cut it down.
And he didn't cut it down.
Now this coke, He was selling it for the same price as the other Coke.
I'm surprised he didn't get killed by the Coke dealers.
Costa Ricans aren't ambitious enough to do that.
And we would do it.
It had, it's called fish scale.
It looked like fish.
It had rainbow sheen to it.
You could do it and fuck your girlfriend immediately after.
You could do it and have a large breakfast.
You could do it and hit the hay.
Do a line of Coke and go to bed.
In other words, it's all the shit they're putting in it that makes it so evil.
I heard it was like, when you put a credit card down to like try to cut it, it like blows away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It breaks.
Sort of like that.
There's a dessert like that.
Not creme brulee, but there's some sort of like fancy, sugary, kind of a flaky thing.
There's confectionery sugar, which would probably behave similar.
No, I'm not talking about that.
It just starts, yeah, it crumples.
Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
My friend talked about this coke that he got in Oregon.
We were still like just at high school.
He talked about it for like 30 minutes.
Really?
He was talking about the rainbow, everything?
Yeah, that kid, he must have done the same shit.
Yeah.
It's entirely possible that cocaine, and heroin too, isn't bad for you in their purest form.
I mean, all these junkies that die, it's because the stuff they buy on the street changes with potency, and their tolerance goes up and down.
Maybe Keith Richards is still alive because he's doing pure heroin every day, the same amount, same location, same source, and he just has a stress-free life.
I mean, all these Aztecs would eat the cocoa leaves, and then fucking, they started wearing gold puka shells around their necks, and dancing to Aztec house, and talking, and talking, talking about themselves.
Anyway, so there was all this coke floating around.
This is another year now, not when it was the fish scale stuff.
And there was this black dude there.
And the weird thing about Costa Rica is black guys on the whatever it's Pacific side, they talk like normal Hispanics.
Like they have that Tico accent that all Hispanics seem to have.
But if they're on the other side, which I guess is the Caribbean side.
I have to look this up.
It's not a very fun place to vacation.
The waves are really brutal and the sand just sort of immediately plummets south.
You know what I mean?
So you take two steps in and you're 50 feet below.
On that side, there's a lot of blacks.
I guess they're ex-slaves.
Yeah, the Caribbean side.
And they all have a Jamaican accent, you know.
Even though we're miles and miles from anything remotely Jamaican.
Weird.
But anyway, there was this guy there and I'm like, Hey what's up you know naive Canadian buddies with everyone and I took a picture of him for the do's and don'ts and it was flattering whatever and we got along okay pretty friendly and then I was like this guy knows what time it is he knows what's going on yeah yeah he doesn't need clothes because everyone down there just wears swimming shorts and nothing else ever the bottom of their feet are like leather
And so he saw it and then he thought, wait a minute, is this guy making fun of me?
Putting me in a magazine?
Does he think I'm worthless?
So then I see him and he wants to come and talk to me and I'm talking to someone else and he was like a weirdo cocaine addict that was kind of bad news.
It was a bum really that just lived in a tent, not for fun.
It wasn't there on vacation, he was living there.
And so I was like, in a second man, in a second.
When I was talking to someone and that fucking pissed him off.
That's the kind of thing where coke heads just snap.
So then next time, I think like a day later, I'm doing coke in the bathroom by myself and he comes in.
He's like, you want to give me some of that?
And I go, yeah, okay.
And then he's like, and then he stares at me really close and he goes, don't fuck around, Kebin.
Called me Kebin.
All Jamaicans call me Kebin.
And all black Americans call me Gives.
None, they never say gav.
I'll never figure it out.
But anyway, he goes, don't fuck around, Kevin.
Because if you fuck around, you get abuse.
Scene?
It's kind of, he's a very dark black man.
And I'm high.
In a bathroom, standing and pee in my bare feet.
Not a very comfortable moment.
And then we're leaving and he goes, Kevin!
Kevin!
And he goes, I'm international.
Oh, I'm international Kevin.
I mean, I'll follow you anywhere.
No, wrong.
He means he's famous and you can't just put him in a magazine and think that no one's going to know it's him.
He's all over the world.
Everyone knows who, whatever his name was.
International.
Yeah.
That story was way better in my head.
It reminded me too of another story in Vice.
I once put a picture of a Jamaican, like one of those over top, over the top Rastafarians with a big white Hat with jaw on it and it's about four feet high because it's full of dreads.
He's got like a white cloak with the Rastafari lion on and a big wood staff with like fucking Marcus Garvey's face carved into it and big crazy like Indian moccasin things that are red gold and green with tassels on the side and and like beads and fringes hanging everywhere.
He looks like a parade float, this guy.
And so I put him in the do's and don'ts of Vice, and I just made a joke about, I pretended I thought he was a Québécois nationalist from Quebec, and I'm going, vive le Québec libre, it's kind of a Canadian joke you wouldn't get, but I'm like, you know, making all these French-Canadian references, and je me souviens, and we love Jacques Pérusseau forever, and vive le Québec libre and all this stuff, and fuck the English.
Fuck Ontario and cack cack Canada.
You get the joke obviously he's not that witty.
See he sees it and he's pissed off and he calls me advice and he says I'm calling you just as a preemptive strike before I get my lawyer involved.
I'm gonna sue you all you use my face without permission.
And I go, um, okay.
I just want you to know that you're in public.
So in a public place, there's a reasonable expectation of being photographed.
That's the law.
So, you went outside, you knew 50 people would see you, now 5,000 people saw you.
How are you gonna argue that that extra decimal place is somehow financially damaging?
Now, if I put you on the cover of Rastafarian Shampoo, and I was making money with you as my spokesperson, or my, sorry, my mascot, then yeah, you got a case, but you don't have a case.
I can give you some t-shirts or some CDs or something.
When I come by, I'll buy you lunch, I don't know.
He goes, oh, Kevin, I got Babylon closer than I mean.
I got 16 kids.
Geez.
I'm going to get a hell of a lot more than some CDs and a t-shirt, you know?
And he never did.
What a cocky bastard.
Well, he's just not aware of the law.
Most people aren't.
Most people, you see that on YouTube videos, like stop filming me.
You don't have permission to film me.
That's illegal.
It's not illegal.
This is just a lot more eyeballs looking at you than you thought would.
If you're at home alone and you're smelling your balls, yeah, that's not fair.
You expected privacy.
But the second you're in public, you abandon your right to privacy.
So if you're cheating on your wife with your mistress and we put you on the cover of the New York Times and it says spring has sprung, this is a real case, you can't sue for ruining your marriage.
You went out in public with her, dumbass.
By the way, speaking of the Coke and the, and the, uh, fucking, um, Caribbean guy?
The DA chasing the water.
That just reminded me of Pepper.
Excuse?
What's his full name?
Pepper Keenan?
Yes, Pepper Keenan.
He was the bassist.
When I was in a punk band, we opened for this band Corrosion of Conformity, and there's this dude in the band named Pepper Keenan.
He has his own band now.
I think they're called Down.
Yeah.
And very heavy dude.
Fucking intense metal dude.
Right?
He's bros with the guy from Pantera.
Also, possibly the most interesting man in the world.
I actually pitched him to Playboy Magazine in 2009 and they wouldn't take it because they wanted me to find more guys that do this job.
And I said, that's not my job.
Just make, he's a fascinating dude.
No, no, find three people who do this, then we can make a better thing.
Okay, then I'm Hunter S. Thompson now and you gotta pay me like 40 grand to go scour the globe.
But anyway, Pepper Keenan's job used to be moving yachts, moving luxury cruise ships, not cruise ships, but billionaire yachts.
Are they called yachts when they have no sail?
Yeah, I guess.
I don't know.
So those things, say you're in, like you're at Cannes for the film festival, right?
And then the next place you want to go is, I don't know, Morocco.
You obviously don't want to transport your $3,000,000, your $30,000,000 yacht down there.
That's like a five-day trip.
I have no idea how long it is, but you get what I'm saying.
So these billionaires, they hire guys to drive these boats, to drive their boats to various locations.
They don't do a lot of sailing in the $30,000,000 boat, obviously.
They just noodle around the area, ride it a few times, fuck some chicks, then they got to go back to work.
So that thing goes into storage, and then they go, my next trip is way out here.
I want my boat to be there when I get there.
So it's like these guys have to move their hotel.
Kind of a retarded thing, isn't it?
Like, just stay at a fancy hotel when you get to your destination.
Yeah.
And if it's con, you can have your secretary book it a year in advance or something, no?
Con!
Um... So... The problem with that is, these guys are going through these really shitty areas, and they end up fucking...
Their lives are in danger.
And one time, they were driving through Africa.
Right?
They were near Somalia.
Where's Somalia?
Somalia is on the eastern end of... There was Somali pirates.
So maybe, where the hell were they going?
Maybe somewhere in India?
That's an oxymoron, Somalia.
I don't get it.
Either it's some or all, yeah?
Oh, they.
So maybe the billionaire was going to Sri Lanka or something.
And maybe he was going from Yemen, Saudi Arabia.
Yeah, maybe he was in Saudi Arabia.
Maybe he was one of these United Arab Emirates guys.
So he's going by Somalia.
I presume in the Gulf of Aden.
No, I don't have Google Maps open.
I'm just that well informed.
And they start getting shot at by Somali pirates.
And the guy, they start waving help.
No, sorry, they're not getting shot at by Somali pirates.
The Somali pirates are waving help, help.
Now it's illegal to go out on a seafaring vessel without a way of communicating with the Coast Guard.
Right?
So you always have to have a Coast Guard thingamadoodle on your boat.
So those guys are either lying or they are breaking the law by not having a Coast Guard.
Not that Somalians have ever been known to break the law.
So, uh, they're waving, help, help, and they're getting closer and closer to the $30 million yacht.
And guess what?
The captain and Pepper, I think, are the only two guys on this fucking boat.
Right?
It's just being transported for me to be there.
Truckers, basically, living on this beautiful boat.
They're not eating caviar.
There's no staff there sucking their toes.
There's no prostitutes.
They're just wearing sweatshirts and, you know, for hours and hours and hours.
He takes out his shotgun and he shoots the boat.
Shit.
He had no choice.
You're in the ocean near Somalia.
You don't want, I am the captain now.
Look at me.
This is before that movie, by the way.
And so he goes, yeah, it's possible that they, my captain killed 12 people.
Boy, I'm really spilling some names on this podcast here.
I hope I don't get fucking everyone in me thrown in jail.
Um, but I had no choice.
Another cool story you told me was there in Central America.
Allow me to just scooch over on my little map here.
Yes, I was lying.
Where the F were they now?
They were somewhere around Nicaragua.
Maybe they were coming from Costa Rica.
I heard that the FBI and the CIA like to retire in Costa Rica and that's why it's one of the only Somewhat safe countries in the entire Central American area Panama's a shithole Nicaragua's fucking dangerous Honduras Guatemala all rebel murderers everywhere, but Costa Rica is just hippies.
It's pretty darn safe and So they're down there in the What ocean is this Pacific Ocean?
And they dock somewhere up in Mexico.
I guess they've gone from Costa Rica and they're stopping in Mexico at a port on the way up to California.
And when they're there, the police show up.
Uh-oh.
And they come over to them and they say, hey man, can you give us a hand here?
And so they go, sure.
They haven't done anything illegal.
They don't have any drugs on the boat.
And they go over and the, the, the Mexican police have confiscated a massive boat, like a yacht that is full of drugs.
It's probably an El Chapo boat.
And it has kilo and kilo of, uh, after big, big kilo bags of Coke.
And they take them onto the thingamadoodle.
What's it called again?
The what?
The dock?
The where the captain is?
Oh, the, uh, I don't know the name of it, but yes.
Well, thanks for helping out.
Um, now we got to, can you look that up?
What's that called?
Where the captain goes?
Hey, I need you to come up to the cabin, the, the starboard port layer.
Come up to the deck.
What did you Google?
Sea captain?
Um, what is the name of the room where the captain steers the boat?
It's, uh, Why is there not just a one word answer?
Who writes three paragraphs?
I don't know this, but I bet boating people are as annoying as vegans and gun people and car people when it comes to their answers.
It actually depends on the vessel?
Yeah, that's what it says here.
Names change on the vessel, pretty much as a wheelhouse.
Wheelhouse or a helm?
Helm.
Yeah.
Helm was the word.
Just say helm, folks.
Yeah, guys.
It depends.
Is it a canoe?
That's called the front starboard port.
So the police say, can you help us out here?
And they take them down into the helm.
And they say, what the fuck is all this?
And they go, oh, because it's all computers now.
It looks like a laptop.
It's like three iPads and a computer.
There's no giant wheel.
So they go, OK.
What you wanna do here is you wanna go to this, and this is your main homepage, and then this is reverse, and then you type reverse, and this is forward, look, you can change it, it's already in Spanish, and then all of this down here, this is your maps, and if you're going near rocks, you click here, and they just explain it to them, they go, oh, okay, I get it here, and they're filming it and stuff so they can remember, and then they go, if you want any Coke, just go bananas, right there, and one of the bags had been slit open, And there's a knife sitting there.
These cops were just doing the occasional bump as they went through trying to figure out how a $30 million yacht works.
Which makes sense, too, because you want your brain to be really cooking in overdrive.
So they were actually, I bet if they told their captain, he'd say, I hope you're doing cocaine the whole time, right?
You need to get your synapses going if you're going to figure out basically a new language.
Synapse is going.
You gotta get your syna- That's just- That's French.
That's Quebecois.
I don't know if the French frants do it, but, um, the, uh, Quebecois always get the wrong syllable.
What are you doing, you retard?
Yeah.
Alright, let's do some letters.
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
Stop working.
Okay.
Get your fucking letter page ready.
I see.
Here's one.
I know this guy.
His name's Will, a little Mexican man.
He's a little Mexican man.
And he was inspired by our guy from another episode who goes to Disneyland several times a year, often without his daughter.
That is worse than a racist.
Like, if I met someone who was like, fuckin' Jews, and these goddamn blacks need to go back to... I'd probably... I bet I could tolerate him.
I'd just go, can you stop talking about that shit, please?
And as long as he didn't bring it up, and he was funny and interesting, I think I could get over it.
I'd just go, this guy's got a lot of hams.
Shit, people hang out with Professor Griff and all these black separatists, because it's cool.
So, I could... I've never tried it.
And every time I've met, through my career of finding weirdos, every time I've met a bonafide racist, which is very rare, they've also been mentally ill, and incredibly irritating, and unable to drop the subject, especially anti-Semites.
Holy shit, guys!
Get a new bag!
As Jared Taylor would say, it's with a point where if it rains on their birthday, they blame the Jews.
You should work on your Jared Taylor.
White.
White people.
I have to listen to him again.
Yeah, that was terrible.
Alright.
Hey Gavin, I like your new sunglasses!
It's an inside joke.
You better get or you're fired from listening to this podcast.
And you can't use my promo code GAVIN at BetDSI.
I work at a big company in DC.
Every time we get a new hire we get emailed a little bio about the person.
Most are Ivy League types and they're either phonies or soy boys.
This guy's ex-military and he could beat me up and that's saying a lot because I'm a fucking badass.
I asked, here's a recent Q&A with him.
What's your favorite sport?
Jeopardy.
Do you have any pets?
I have a spunky little corgi named Wendy.
What are your hobbies?
Oh God, Broadway shows, anything Marvel, dog grooming, and I guess skincare?
What?
Favorite music?
Oh, just like basic pop.
My daughter, my 12-year-old daughter is too cool for basic pop.
She doesn't even like, what, like I'll find some female artist who's kind of poppy, like not even Miley Cyrus, I mean someone more underground, and I go, what do you think of Billie Eilish or something?
And she'd go, nah, she's corny.
Oh, we gotta go deeper.
Gotta go like Tyler the Creator and below to interest her.
Or K-pop.
No, she does not like K-pop.
As if just being in the same... What?
I heard she did.
My girlfriend talked to her.
And they both like K-pop.
Well, then she likes it sarcastically.
Yeah, nobody's proud of it, but they like it.
No, she likes it ironically.
She was some pop star for Halloween and I gotta get more in touch with my daughter because I thought that she liked this girl and she goes, no dumbass, I'm kidding.
She was making fun of the girl.
Forget who it was.
She has a side ponytail and she likes unicorns and stuff.
As if being in the same building with this guy isn't bad enough, when I came into my office the next morning, I noticed that the empty office next to mine had little Marvel figures in it.
And I shit you not, a giant Jackson Pollock painting of a corgi!
Didn't Jackson Pollock only do, uh... splatters?
I think you got the wrong artist there, Will.
Yeah, you dumb idiot.
Fucking asshole.
Fuck you.
Get it, Will.
Sorry.
Yeah, you got the wrong guy.
Oh, wait a minute.
What's this?
No, that's not... I don't think Jackson Pollock painted corgis.
You damn fool.
The following day he came into my office to introduce himself and arrange for a firm happy hour to get to know everyone.
That's kind of a weird thing to do.
We'll arrange the happy hours, thanks.
You just got here.
I'm adding my own interjections here.
Back to the letter.
Uh, and that we're getting off at three today to go to have drinks.
I said, bless your cotton socks.
And, and he said, and then he adds, I shit you not, actually, I'm pretty sure mine are polyester.
Okay.
So that's just a corny joke.
He's still not as bad as the Disney guy.
Uh, we were standing next to a large window in a tall building and I immediately had a vision of me Spartan kicking this guy through the window and watching him fall to his death.
Finally, he asked me if I wanted to grab lunch.
I said, I'm sorry, I don't eat.
Yes, I'm on the same page as you.
No, our guy said that.
We don't eat either.
That's good.
Eating is a fad.
We have thin walls at my office.
I have to listen to this guy.
Oh, here's the clincher.
This is worse than Disneyland.
We have thin walls at my office and I have to listen to this guy call his mother every day at 12 and talk about how challenging it is to adapt to a new city.
Guy's married and has a kid, so he isn't gay.
But to be honest, I wouldn't even have a problem with his behavior if he was gay.
The fact that he's a straight man and behaves this way is what kills me.
Calling your mother is totally unacceptable.
Let me just make something clear.
Saying the words, my mother, is totally unacceptable.
You shouldn't, you can say the words, my mother, once a week and it has to be hair whiteningly relevant to the conversation.
People have to go, wow, that's a perfect example of what we're talking about.
But I hear these guys, usually they're unmarried and strangely not gay, but don't want to talk about it.
I hear these guys going, yeah well if my mom was here she'd probably say, what the hell are you guys talking about?
She hates that kind of stuff.
Oof.
Painful.
I told you not to work.
Why are you working?
I feel like if I stop I'm going to forget what I have to fix.
I'm just fixing all the things that are tying up loose ends.
Here's a guy named Dave.
He wants to see me on Bill Maher's show, Politically Incorrect.
See you.
See you, by the way!
I will air that.
I think I have it on VHS tape.
It's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.
I was blind drunk for an appearance on his show when he was on Comedy Central.
The show was called Politically Incorrect.
This would be 2000.
So almost 20 years ago, and I was just incoherent.
I was really high on coke, really drunk, and it is, when we launch our new site, it'll be one of the sneak peeks you get with membership.
There's gonna be a lot of bonuses in there, like my fight with Copper Cab, all kinds of fun shit.
Little shows that don't air anywhere but on there like I'm gonna do a thing on my records.
I'm gonna do a history of punk.
I got 25 hottest chicks in the world Ryan and I have put together.
That's gonna be an amorphous list that is constantly changing just like the top 10 list.
But yeah, here's an example by the way.
We were talking about the parents of JonBenet Ramsey, right?
And how they were writing a book.
Now they were suspects in the death of their beautiful little daughter.
And as suspects, should they have the right to write a book to profit off this?
What if they killed her?
And now they're making money?
It's a very intelligent question and a great idea to bring up in a group conversation.
What a good idea for a show, Bill.
I hadn't read any of the questions.
I'd been partying with Derek Beckles in Austin, South by Southwest, for days.
We'd been drinking for many, many days.
And so all the questions were news to me.
Now, Uh, you know when you're wasted and your brain and your mouth aren't friends?
So let me just tell you what my brain was thinking when it came around to me.
I was thinking, yeah, I mean, I understand the question and the whole philosophy, but I don't know.
We sort of, you know, the strange thing about America is we imbue all this authority on their face in the courtroom.
This is a little off topic, but you know, they said they showed no remorse in the courtroom.
And I heard about this woman who was driving the bus that that went off the road there and went through the ice I think it was in Canada or something and like 30 little kids were killed and she showed no remorse in the courtroom And and you think if I had killed 30 kids, I don't know if you're gonna be seeing remorse I I think I just sort of be there catatonic maybe sort of shaking a little bit So with it with these parents We seem to think they're being callous and stuff.
I don't know if they are.
If they did lose their kid, you gotta think.
These people are on the edge of losing their minds.
Maybe they need the book as something cathartic.
I don't have a great answer, Bill.
That's what my brain told me.
And I thought that was okay.
Here's what came out of my mouth.
I said, oh man, I don't know, like fucking...
There's a big, like, a big school bus.
All the kids, you know, you kill all the kids.
All the kids are dead.
And you're just there.
And I'm, by the end of that, I'm having a seizure in the chair, portraying the bus driver shaking in her chair.
Oh boy.
Yeah, it is the most embarrassing thing that exists of me.
And the SPLC, everyone keeps bringing up all these horrible things.
And I go, that's a fucking joke, dude.
I was crying like a fag.
He's constantly referred to homosexuals as fags.
No, when you say you were crying like a fag, you're not calling gays fags, right?
I don't think you are.
I don't want to keep my job.
I don't know.
I don't know.
That kind of sounds like that Andy, the sidekick for Conan O'Brien.
Andy Richter.
Andy Richter.
Sure.
Okay, I can't do him.
He just got divorced and him and his wife both denounced it on Twitter.
Yeesh.
Yeah, just so you know, I am getting divorced.
I was at a party with him once doing coke.
I go, you want a bump?
And he goes, no thank you, never tried it.
You're a comedian?
In Hollywood, you never tried it?
Okay.
Little wacky.
Little wacker doodle dudes.
Little wacky doodle dudes.
Dear Gavin, I now blow dry my toes.
I think it's a good idea for people who live with chronic lower back pain.
Besides, bending forward is overrated.
Fuck you.
Also, PF Flyers are for fags, chucks are for girls.
Check out Pro Keds.
Alright, I've been getting a lot of this.
PF Flyers are low-cut white chucks for girls.
Pro Keds are for beautiful women, mostly rich, mostly on $30 million yachts.
Lori Loughlin was wearing Pro Keds on her husband's boat when she called those schools and got her daughter in.
A man?
A grown man wearing prokeds?
I'm sorry, no.
Nay.
Nada.
Nilch.
You shant.
Cello, you shant.
Hello, it's a bass.
Cello, it's a cello.
We're doing our Jack Black imitations, folks at home.
Okay, we're running out of time here.
Gotta go, got shit to do.
Is that really who he is?
Is he that guy at home with his wife and kid?
And would his wife get disappointed and go, I mean, I like that you're rich and everything, but I kind of thought when we got married, he'd be like, chaloo, it's a bass.
Hey babe, do you have any eggs this morning?
I'm pretty hungry.
Just as regular?
I said that with Johnny Rotten once, because he always has this sexy squirrel.
The councils, they pen our concerts, and they take our money.
Hello?
I know a guy, Tony Barber, from the Buzzcocks, who, by the way, broke up with me, not because of Trump, but because I told him he couldn't bring his pitbulls around my kids.
Weirdest dump I've ever had.
And I've had some weird shits in my day.
I have a six-year-old who's pitbull eye level, and he gets his pits from rescues.
They're usually black drug dealers fighting dogs.
Like, I wouldn't want his pitbulls around my fucking dog.
I wouldn't want his pitbulls around my personal pitbull trainer.
So that's weird, but anyway.
Uh, I said, Tony, how do you hang out with, like, John Lydon?
Johnny Rotten?
Is he that way all the time?
Is he a sexy squirrel?
Hello!
What are you doing?
I'm John Lydon.
And he goes, yes, dude.
Actually, he said, yo, dude.
That's who he is.
He's not, it's not an act.
Like if you have tea at his house in LA, he'll say, would you like some sugar?
He is constantly in Johnny Rotten mode.
Yikes.
Good, I'm glad though.
Yeah, I guess so.
You know, that's what's up.
Leash Odin.
Hello Gavin, I've noticed a few personalities like Paul Joseph Watten and Sargent of Akkad have started using the reference clown world.
I remember you using this over a year ago, I think you deserve credit for coming up with it.
You should have a segment on your show actually called Today in Clown World.
Yeah, I don't know if I came up with Clown World.
I don't really care about that kind of stuff.
It's never in the history books.
Like, I discovered Ryan McGinley.
Got no credit.
I invented the word immersionism.
Got no credit.
I invented hipsters.
Got no credit.
Like, what are you gonna do with that credit?
Take it to the bank?
Who fucking cares?
And the history books are full of shit anyway.
By the way, that's not assassinating Abe Lincoln or, you know, starting World War I. Coming up with a quirky term to describe a trend in pop culture.
It's hardly something to pass on to the kiddies.
Alright, I'm losing my voice here.
What happened?
Tobin Dallyrimple.
I've tried your whole not showering thing.
The good news is I haven't lost any of my hair.
The bad news is I smell like shit and my wife won't blow me anymore.
Love you.
I never said don't shower, dude.
I made it very clear that you wash your balls, your dick, your foreskin, and your butthole, and your armpits.
I never said don't shower.
I said don't use shampoo.
Don't wash your hair with any kind of soap.
And as far as your dick goes, say you don't get around to showering for three days and you have a foreskin.
And you think there's a snowball's chance in hell of your wife blowing you?
Don't wash your dick.
You know why?
Because she can hear it.
No matter where she is in the house, she'll hear the... And she'll know, as someone who never washes their hands, meaning you, you never wash your hands, she'll know that he is washing his dick, hoping that he's going to get a beach.
That's something, I don't know, that leaves you vulnerable.
You can't let her know that you're sitting there going...
So what you do is you have wet wipes stashed and you swab the deck with wet wipes.
You may have to give it a bit of a rinse so it doesn't taste like soap, but, um, that's the, that's the key to, um, a happy life and getting the occasional beach is wet wipe your disgusting shmegma dick.
And, uh, when it comes to showers, only wash your balls, dick, butthole, armpits, never wash your fucking hair, you weird fag.
It's from Nick.
I'm 34.
How do I survive middle management?
I get shit from everyone above me and from up- Stop your fucking whining, you pussy.
Little bitch.
Angel Garcia.
Suspicious man spotted atop- Notre Dame Chapel.
I've seen a few people talking about this conspiracy with Notre Dame.
I'm totally open to it.
Why can we not discuss conspiracies?
Why can we not wonder anymore?
I wonder about things.
If what you ask is a question, it has a question mark at the end, you're allowed to say anything you want.
And if it's not a threat, if you're not saying go kill this person, you can say anything.
God damn it!
So many people get fired for wondering things.
I've been getting this a lot.
This is from Adam Lanham.
We're going to wrap it up soon.
Hi guys, I love the show.
Gavin, on multiple occasions you've referenced Cormac McCarthy, quote, there is no joy in the tavern as upon the road thereto.
Great quote, but it's not from the novel The Road.
It's from Blood Meridian.
Nerd.
A, fuck you.
B, maybe it's in both books.
I've never read Blood Meridian, so how would I know this quote?
Oh.
And then he goes, any of your listeners looking for a decent man, you should check out Don Delilo.
That reminds me of another letter where some guy goes, hey man, you should check out Queens of the Stone Age.
They're really heavy.
I think you'd like them.
And there's another band from around that time called Arctic Monkeys.
This is someone who's maybe 22 telling a 50 year old who was making mixtapes Starting in 1983.
Didn't you put the Arctic Monkeys on your label?
No.
They were already too big then.
But I was well aware of them when they started.
My buddy Jeff Jensen, the guy I visit in Jamaica, he went on tour with them and did a whole comedy routine where he pretended to be a fan or their manager.
Jeff Jensen, Arctic Monkey.
What comes up here?
Jeff Jensen Band?
No, no.
Arctic Monkeys?
Oh, it looks like Jeff Jensen has to compete with another guy named Jeff Jensen and there's nothing in... He's just an accounting.
No, there's a famous Jeff Jen... I'm really ending this on a low note here.
But yeah, Millennials, stop telling me about things that I've likely heard of.
Okay?
What is this?
Morose Elephant?
Jeff Jensen?
The Antique Librarian?
Jeff hasn't done anything since he moved to Jamaica.
No, okay, nothing there, sorry.
That's the show, folks.
The moral of the story is, You should, to quote Joe Strummer from The Clash, be... Everyone is lying.
They don't care about the Mueller Report.
They don't care about Lori Loughlin getting into that school.
They're just trying to one-up the other guy.
It's just a big fucking tacky game of checkers.
And you should read everything with a pinch of salt.
I mean, you know that, that you have to read everything with a pinch of salt.
But when things sound too good to be true, they are.
And I ain't falling for it.
You gotta get out there.
You gotta get punched in the head.
You gotta ride your motorcycle more than 50 miles an hour.
Yes, you might get hit.
That's life.
Let's stop being cautious and throw caution to the wind.
Safety last.
Let's have some color in our lives again.
Let's tell some very unfortunate jokes.
Let's make people uncomfortable.
Let's get confrontational.
Let's take some risks.
That's what the Western world was built on.
It was built on people taking risks.
Let's be dangerous.
Let's show some grit.
Let's fuck up.
Let's get embarrassed.
Let's humiliate ourselves.
It's worth it.
It's fun.
Stand-up comedy is easy if you don't give a shit what people think.
Going to a party is fun if you don't care if you get kicked out.
Get kicked out!
If a party sucks, antagonize people so much you get kicked out.
And if your job sucks, get fired.
I like you more than a friend.
I'll see you mundane.
And special thanks to BetDSI for contributing to this podcast.
