We try to figure out why certain men believe airing out your feet after a shower will prevent toe fungus. It won’t. You’re being duped. Then we talk about the SPLC suit and how many ridiculous lies it includes such as Proud Boys yelling, “He was a f-ing foreigner!” Finally, we dive into the mail bag and use many of the letters as a spring board to bigger, deeper, more scarier conversations.
Did you know some men blow-dry their toes after a shower?
It's a New York thing.
I think it's a primarily a Puerto Rican thing.
Black too, but that's probably...
Puerto Rican and I had words today at the gym with a Puerto Rican comrade and I said, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
He goes, yo, it's important.
You got to dry your feet.
And he goes, some dudes, I know a black dude who blow dries his toes when he's done.
And I go, that is some bullshit, a Rosa Maria, grandmother Puerto Rican thing from the Caribbean.
That's not true.
Actually, there may be an argument during rainy season.
I used to live in Costa Rica and I had a place down there.
and It can be during rainy season it the rain will actually seem to go sideways and mold grows on your clothes You'll have mold on your sweater so actually in that scenario Blow-drying your toes would be equally stupid because everywhere is wet and they're never gonna be dry nothing dries during rainy season in You know near the equator but um He goes, yo, look it up.
You can't put your feet in your socks right after you're done, because they'll stay wet and you'll get toe fungus.
And I go, that's fucking bullshit.
And yeah, he said, I'm not going to defend the blow drying.
That seems extreme.
But the way I dry my toes out is smart.
I'm right.
You're wrong.
Look it up.
Now, Ryan, you're also a PR.
Do you dry your toes more than most?
No.
Your toes dry in your socks.
My feet are dry as bones right now.
My feet, I dry them with the fucking towel.
Right, and then they're dry.
Yeah.
Like that's, why would your toe, like his argument is toenail fungus, so that's different from your shoulder blade or your knee or your ear.
Well, I guess your ear's not covered, right?
But what about your butthole or your taint?
I guess no one gets a Moldy Butthole.
Oh!
Moldy Butthole are playing at Mercury Lounge if you want to check them out.
I have to write that down on my list.
We're writing down band names every time we say something that sounds like a band name.
What was it again?
Butthole Funk?
Moldy Butthole.
Oh.
Moldy Butthole.
That's a punk band.
It's a punk band, yeah.
Or it could be like a weird, sludgy, art rock kind of band.
Yeah.
But it's definitely not a mainstream band.
No.
Although Pearl Jam, which I believe has come, they uh...
They got pretty mainstream, and they have one of the worst names in the world.
They deny it, by the way.
Yeah.
Which I would do, too, if I sang for cum.
Right.
That's a sign they wore around their neck in cardboard.
It said, we'll sing for cum.
Dude, you didn't laugh at that.
I was looking up Pearl Jam.
Well, you missed a very, very funny- What did you say?
Too late.
Well, I have to listen to the podcast that we just did.
Listen to the podcast.
Um, so then I did look it up and I'm very annoyed to see that there is a bunch of claptrap.
Now I'm not accepting this as true yet, Puerto Rico, but it does say why you might want to blow dry your toes after you shower.
And then of course the subhead is trust me on this one.
Now this is women's stuff.
This is on a site called self.
So we're hardly in the epicenter of the medical community.
Um, but, uh, But it just sounds weird.
Turns out she wasn't, wait a minute, blah, blah, blah.
My editor told me that nail pro, Debra Lipman, she's a nail pro, suggested she blow dry her toes after showering.
I was completely confused.
Just sounds weird.
Turns out she wasn't talking about helping your nail polish dry faster, which actually doesn't work.
She was talking about, this is them saying it doesn't work.
I bet it does work to blow dry nail polish.
She was talking about preventing foot fungus.
Sorry to have such gross topics on this show.
But... No.
What is foot fungus, by the way?
What kind of fucking disgusting losers are getting foot fungus?
Every time I see that commercial and it shows the toes with those cartoons, I guess that's Mucinex.
But there's other things where they have foot fungus CGI cartoons and you blast them with your anti... Who are you people?
Who are you people that are getting fungal infections on your toes?
I think you're obese.
I think you're wildly obese people who walk funny.
You don't walk very much.
And you sit there playing video games.
Some of you are my friends.
Some of you are proud boys.
But you're disgusting fat pigs with disgusting feet and all kinds of problems with that.
It doesn't have to do with drying your toes.
And I'm going to say this to my Puerto Rican friend at the gym.
Don't... How about this?
Dude, I'll pay you 500 bucks.
Wait a minute, it has to be good for me too.
So $150 bet, you don't do this stupid thing.
What he does is he airs out his feet with shower shoes for like an hour at the gym.
He works there.
So he's walking around airing out his toes, and then he's like, alright, I think we're ready, and then he puts his socks on.
I mean, outside of all this other stuff, you gotta concede that that science is fucking retarded.
You walk around for an hour drying out your toes?
What are your toes made of, towels?
And then they're finally dry?
No.
No, no.
So anyway, 150 bucks, and what he'll do, I'm sounding really pissed off, aren't I?
Yeah.
I sound like a drill sergeant.
150 bucks, and you know, for two months, He doesn't dry his toenails and just put socks on.
And we'll see if there's any trace of any stupid oncomicosis, as Harvard Health says.
And I guarantee there won't be.
So if he does get any fungus starting, I'll pay him $150.
But if he doesn't, he has to pay me $150.
Doesn't that sound fair?
I like it.
Okay, I'm on Harvard Health now.
Factors that increase the risk of developing toenail fungus include wearing tight-fitting shoes or tight hosiery.
That gave me a boner for some reason.
Practicing poor foot hygiene.
What the hell does that mean?
I'd never washed my foot in my life, by the way.
You heard me.
You don't pass a sponge on us?
No.
Who are you?
First of all, when you go in the shower, you're blasting your body with chlorine.
Chlorine.
That's in the water supply.
That is true.
That's a powerful bleach.
You ever wipe your butt with a Clorox wipe?
It is a wake up call, my friend.
That's, you don't, you shouldn't do that.
It's like sitting in a fireplace.
It's intense.
So we're washing ourselves with this burning acid, and what smells on your body?
I mean, my feet never stink.
I change my socks every day.
So should you.
You don't wear socks in your Converse, though.
That's a stinky feet.
It takes a few days to get a stinky feet for not wearing socks in your Converse, but off the record, and please don't tell anyone this, I sin, and what I do is I sprinkle some powder in there.
And then if anyone ever makes you take your shoes off, you have ghost feet.
Is she mad?
Who's she?
The chick you stole the powder from.
Yeah, well.
She is.
I'm not proud of it, but it works.
We talked about this on a different episode.
Another thing you can do with Chucks is wear little tiny sock sockets.
Like airplane socks.
And that's fucking embarrassing too.
And make sure they're not visible.
Because if someone can see your little sockets peeking out of your shoe, you should be profoundly embarrassed.
I remember your technique for that, too.
If you go home, let's say you have to... Go to a chick's house.
You're in a situation where you have to take your shoes off in public.
Yeah, you just slip it and whoosh, whoosh.
Stuff them in there, yeah.
In one fell swoop.
Stuff them in the toes.
Yeah.
But you know girls, they're always checking your shoes.
Oh, they love to check your shoes.
But you have to admit that shorts and socks look weird.
Especially these kids today with the shorts and the and the dark socks like shorts Vans and then black socks That looks bizarre.
Yeah, I Had an idea recently by the way, and I think it's in the letters page so we may come across it again, but I Yes, you can't wear colored chucks after the age of 30.
And then someone said, what about vans?
Great question.
You can't wear high top vans after 30, right?
You see, you have to wear Vans Eras, basically.
And I guess you could wear those Vans with that white stripe that goes down, but I don't know, dude.
Those are kind of skateboardy, kind of young.
And skaters, what's worse than a skater who's 42?
God designed men not to skateboard after early 30s.
That's why your bones snap like peanut brittle.
You're not supposed to be able to ollie down a rail slide when you're 45.
Tony Hawk is the only person in the world who can pull it off and he still looks goofy with his helmet on and his elbow pads and his knee pads.
He's not goofy, he rides regular.
But, so what can you wear?
You wear Vans Eras and you wear the classic blue, the navy blue that they have.
They look really good when they're wore out to shreds, by the way.
But anyway, I was just walking down the street and it hit me.
You ready for this one?
Yeah.
I think maybe Brown Vans Eras are okay.
You know what?
Let me look it up.
Allow me to Google.
I don't know if such a thing exists.
Exists yeah, they exist like crazy.
I'm looking at him right now nice They have a very Carhartt kind of vibe a little bit a little darker than the standard duck.
I wouldn't do suede That's ridiculous, and I don't like these ones about leather that have the accents with the leather here leather No, no you got to just go canvas guys and no funny details.
You look like a girl wearing keds When you have the funny details.
And Vans eras have like this new updated version with a padded opening and stuff.
It's Nike, yeah.
There's all kinds of bells and whistles here going on.
No, no, no, and no.
But you have a pair and you like them.
Yeah, I have the classics.
They don't have the extra padding.
They don't have the little accents.
They don't have the leather tag.
Actually, they do.
The inside is micro suede.
Doesn't that sound way too fancy for you to like it?
Yeah, that's not a classic Vans era.
The classic era has nothing about it, and it doesn't have this padded thing around the edge.
You gotta understand, Vans went bankrupt.
Yeah, it was bought by Nike.
Yeah.
Were they bought by Nike?
Yeah.
I think they were bought by some global media thing and then Nike bought them.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, because the inserts that, for your new pair that you have, on the inside it's a lunar lawn insole.
It's their special Nike technology.
That's what makes it so comfy.
Yeah, I think you've got to be really adamant when you look it up and make sure it says authentic eras because they keep updating them.
And don't reinvent the wheel.
The classic era is the world's greatest, not the world's greatest shoe, the Chuck Taylor is obviously, but it's up there.
It's in the top two, I'd say.
You know what I like about all this stuff, too?
I remember when I was a young man, and unfortunately it's happening again with your shitty generation, but there was all these sneaker pimps, and it was such a stupid waste of money to be spending $180 on shoes, and it just seems so gay.
Here, Ryan.
Here's your phone.
Oh.
Um...
Thanks, but then that song came out I got my vans on but they look like sneakers and You had Tyler the creator and all these cool black dudes who by the way, that's who defines what young people do Saying vans vans vans and the next thing you know Vans were hot.
Vans were like 40 bucks back then.
And that just ended the whole Air Jordan bullshit, people getting robbed for their Jordans, all that stuff.
And Vans got rich!
Oh yeah.
But this is post-bankruptcy.
So none of the Vans family made a cent.
They sold Vans for nothing after bankruptcy.
And there's one guy with the name Vans still in his name.
And he does their events.
He does the Warped Tour and everything.
And he makes like 300 grand a year or something, but he has zero shares in Vans the company.
Damn.
Now here's a question.
Can a man over 30 do black eras?
Yes, I guess, but I'm not nuts about it, and I don't know why you're doing that.
Basically, white, the classic blue, and maybe we can talk about brown.
Sometime.
In the near future.
But don't get kooky.
Your job is to fight guys.
My first pair was the black ones.
Because all my friends had them.
They would write, like, the Kurt Cobain, you know, ones.
It's a good look.
What was that band?
Some guy sent me a letter going, your taste in music sucks.
Shit.
You fucking loser.
Yeah.
And he sent me this band.
What were they called again?
Something Not.
Something Not.
It should be in history.
Yeah, here it is.
It's...
Knocked loose.
There you go, yeah.
And the singer, he's got that regular sort of straight edge look that goes back to shit, the early 90s, which is floods with Vans eras.
I think they're the classic blue, right?
I remember how I thought I looked so dumb with my converse.
Good stuff.
What were you saying?
Um, I remember all my friends had these, the Chucks, so I got my own pair and I remember them looking like, just so long and like...
You know, they look like clown shoes.
I thought that other people could pull them off, but I look stupid.
But then you just break them in, and then you like them a lot.
What are we talking about?
My first pair of Converse.
It was a big deal for me.
Your feet are large for your tiny, tiny body.
Yeah.
So I can see Chuck's looking weird on you.
Yeah, and it bummed me out because I was like, I just wanted to be like my friends, my punk friends.
Well Chuck, the younger the kid, and that includes babies, the better the Chuck Taylors look.
But they do look kind of weird, especially when you get into like size 12 and 13.
Anyway, other things that cause toenail fungus.
Practicing poor foot hygiene.
Okay, wearing layers of toenail polish.
Again guys, guys at the gym, you don't wear hosiery, I don't know what practicing poor foot hygiene means, and layers of toenail polish, whatever.
Oh yeah, to get back to foot hygiene, this is how I shower, and this is made clear in the movie How to Be a Man.
You get in there, you wash the things that stink.
Your feet don't stink.
You slather, first you rub your pubes with the soap to get a lather going, then you wash your balls.
You're the sides of your bag, your taint, your butthole, butt crack.
Peel back your foreskin if you have one.
Wash around all that stuff, hoping for a BJ.
And then your armpits, and then get the fuck out of the shower.
Don't shampoo your hair, that makes you go bald.
Don't even know what conditioner is.
And then the idea of like soaping up or having a face cloth and washing your fucking legs?
I mean, even if you were out doing construction and stuff in your shorts and you have dirt all over your legs, well the water's gonna wash away.
Say you have like tar on your legs.
Okay, okay, okay, fine.
But that's obviously an exception.
Or you're a garbage man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now your whole body stinks.
I'm talking about 98% of the male population should just go Pubes, dick, balls, taint, butt crack, armpits, get out.
Shampooing your hair is something you should be- it means you're a cuck.
It means that you fell for these stupid commercials that are aimed at women.
You know when I last shampooed my hair? 1987.
Yeah, what is that commercial Herbal Essences where she's like, oh, she's moaning in the shower.
I'm so glad I finally got this lice out of my hair.
You know, I did shampoo, you know, dude, since I listened to your show, I was like, yeah, he's right.
Plus sodium lauryl sulfate makes you fucking bald.
The stuff in shampoo.
I've always said that.
I never heard a medical term before.
Well, no, that's the chemical.
Yeah, sure.
And anyway, so I stopped, you know, shampooing since then.
But when I worked at the job, I picked up those days at the restaurant.
My fucking hair smells like fryer.
I had to.
I just had to.
No, just have a shower without shampoo.
It wouldn't smell like fryer after that.
It did.
My hair fucking because my hair is retarded.
Your hairdo, by the way, is the stupidest, shittiest, dumbest hair, that fucking dumb nest of bangs you have, and the way you're constantly flicking it and fluffing it, it makes me hate your fucking Japanese shithead father for abandoning you and turning you into not even a fag.
My hair rules.
You wish you were a fag.
That's how bad it is.
Fag is a dream of yours.
You should go.
You should apply for a FAG scholarship.
Because he sucks his fucking plastic dick pipe.
No I did not!
What was that sound?
I just went... Because I have a cold.
Okay, being military personnel, athlete, or minor.
This is because toenail fungi might spread from foot to foot in the flowers and showers of locker rooms.
Okay, that's fine.
Having a chronic illness such as diabetes.
I told you, fatsos.
Having a circulatory problem that decreases blood flow to the toes.
Do you hear anywhere on this list not letting your toes dry out after a shower?
Bullshit!
And he kept saying, I kept saying, where is this?
And he goes, the internet, the internet.
I'm on the fucking internet.
Harvard said no.
And the only thing I can find, by the way, 99%.
Of all the answers are, stop making these nail polish mistakes.
Broad this, broad that.
The only thing I can find is on self.com, which you know is just woman winging it.
So much of these sites and magazines and blogs that are for women, by women.
It's like that book, what's her name?
Jill Abramson wrote, The Merchants of Truth.
It's just someone just winging it.
Just like, seven myths about emergency contraception.
You should stop believing.
She just sat on her ass and made that up.
Five things to know before working out on the beach.
And then she probably wrote that title, right?
This is Amy Martona.
Maratona.
She probably wrote that title, and her editor said, yep, I'll give you 20 bucks for that.
And she went, okay, shit, now I gotta come up with some things.
What can I say?
Every workout will feel more challenging.
Yeah, that probably makes sense, right?
Because you're moving around in sand.
What else?
The unstable surface is actually more taxing on your joints.
That's the same as number one, but okay, I got two out, right?
Two.
Three, always start slow so your body can adapt.
She's just making stuff up now.
Who doesn't know that?
That for a workout, you don't just start screaming and pounding the sand like a lunatic and lifting 900 pounds.
Number four, beware of sharp objects.
Ooh, thanks for the tip, Amy.
Great writing.
I was gonna step on that fucking glass.
Yeah, I love dancing around in glass with my bare feet.
Number five, avoid slanted ground during runs.
Racist.
Oh dude, I've been going through this SBOC complaint.
And it's so funny.
I've talked about this before, but seeing my jokes written out in illegal docs.
Yeah.
And you know what keeps coming up in this thing again and again?
Rice ball.
Rice ball.
Yeah.
He is consistently referred to Asians as rice balls and slopes.
And.
And I just want to say to them, like, I wish I could be the lawyer in court and say, Your Honor, can anyone in this courtroom tell me the last time they've heard the word rice ball in a genuinely derogatory manner?
And have any of them ever heard it at all, ever in their lives?
No, I haven't, you know, no.
Yeah, I'll come.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Before I agree to go on this skiing vacation, are there a lot of rice balls there?
Or even, uh, and then of course there was the rape of Nanking where a bunch of rice balls from Japan attacked a bunch of rice balls in China.
Dude, rice balls are like a lunch item for Japs.
Exactly!
Yeah, it's a food.
I mean, and even in Nam, like, if you don't see that in like a historically accurate Nam movie, then it's not really an insult.
Just something cute that somebody made up.
Even in... I mean, even in Vietnam, when they called... I guess, no, that was definitely derogatory when they called the Vietnamese gooks, but they were at fucking war!
That's really the only time you hear it.
Dude!
Zipperhead.
There's a definition for it in the dictionary.
It's noun, informal, offensive, and Asian person.
Yeah, thanks.
How can you be Asian and not have heard zipperhead before?
No, I've heard zipperhead.
I just didn't think it would define it for me.
Yeah, yeah, everything's in the fucking internet.
That's in Gran Torino when he says, I don't want you putting spoilers on the car like the fucking zipper heads.
Meanwhile, he's giving the car to that, that uh, Hmong.
Hmong.
Um.
The rape of Nanking was an episode of mass murder and mass rape committed by Japanese troops against the revenants of Nanking, then the capital republic of China.
How many died?
Oh, about 300,000.
about 300,000.
Yeah, and the other shitty thing about this too is they're talking about a guy, me, who just finished a video that'll be on nohate.com shortly that is an introduction to naked fart yoga.
My autobiography is called How to Piss in Public.
My video, How to Fight a Baby, has 15 million views.
But this, this, it's actually a motion to dismiss, has all this verbiage in it that's trying to make me sound like this fire and brimstone, like, these goddamn rice balls!
And it's so disingenuous.
And this is what I was talking to Josh Denny about.
When you say something as silly as rice ball, you're obviously Being satirical but more importantly if you really want to get into it and this is the problem with ruining color and making everyone explain everything.
What you're really doing is you're mocking yourself and you're making light of something.
Now the rice ball thing I was talking about when I use that word was I was talking about picking up Asian chicks.
And as I was talking about it, I realized, this sounds fucking corny.
And I don't want to come across as a pickup artist.
You know, these guys who have all these throwing a neg.
And yeah, when you meet a girl, you want to make sure you touch their hair.
And so I thought, I don't want to drift into pickup artist territory.
I am saying kind of true stuff, but I'm also not that serious.
And I don't really care who you fuck and blah, blah, blah.
So I wasn't doing a genuine thing.
So in order to make it clear that this isn't actual sex tips, I said, yeah, I fucked a lot of rice balls over the years.
And one of the things I've noticed with these slopes is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So now you've added this weird verbiage that's more like, imagine Coco Diaz saying it, you know?
The one thing I noticed about fucking the rice balls is they really like it when you take them out for dinner.
Now when you hear a guy talking like that and using that kind of talk, especially with the accent, of course, you go, Oh, I get it.
This is like kind of making fun of stuff.
You're not clearly trying to help men make love to Asian human beings.
Another funny thing in the document too was, and I've heard this a couple times, the Proud Boys screamed faggot at a man who was curled up in a ball on the ground.
And then as they walked away laughing, they said, ha ha ha, he was a fucking foreigner!
That's their version.
That's a lot of blogs version.
And that is on legal documents.
Here's what really happened, and the NYPD's press conference confirms this.
Antifa circled the block, came around after being dispersed.
Proud Boys are on their way home, being escorted to the train station by the cops.
Boom!
They're ambushed by about five or six Antifa.
They throw a glass.
Not plastic.
No one throws a plastic bottle of anything at anyone.
It just bounces like an impermeable water balloon.
They throw a glass bottle of piss at these guys, then they punch them, then they start kicking them.
You see in the video Antifa kicking guys who were down.
Then, the fraternal men's organization that is very chauvinistic when it comes to Western culture, including all races and genders, jumps up and beats them up.
He kicked them many, many times.
Punched them.
Actually, one of the first things they did to this guy, Max, ripped off the guy's mask.
His stupid little ski hat.
And they were all unmasked during the kerfuffle.
And you're looking down at these guys who you just beat in a fight.
Who started a fight with you, ambushed you, and you beat up.
So the man is not curled in a ball.
He's sitting down on the ground after losing a fight.
The cops went up to him and said, hey man, are you okay?
You want to press charge?
And he said, fuck you, pig.
I believe he also said, I just got punched in the face about 70 times.
That's the Antifa talking.
Before that happened with the cop, one of the gentlemen said, are you brave now, faggot?
And I've had to defend that line quite a bit.
And then by the way, the DNC and Antifa and the media, what they made that into was a hate group roams the streets at night looking for homosexuals to beat.
Now, if you are looking for gays in New York, You'd have to be Helen Keller not to find a thousand in the first ten minutes.
Especially in certain, no, no, I was going to say especially in certain areas, no.
The West Village is teeming with homosexuals.
The East Village, you see them holding hands and it's like seeing Israelis in Gaza.
You're like, guys, don't, didn't you already get your own area?
And then you know where it's gayer than gay?
Ryan?
Um, where is it gayer than gay?
Hell's Kitchen.
Oh, I know.
I've heard of that.
Yeah.
Last time, I go to the Knights of Columbus meetings there, and I had a bunch of time to kill.
I was meeting someone, I go, I'll just go get a burger.
I haven't eaten today.
And as I'm walking, I haven't really walked around Hell's Kitchen, or I hadn't in about three or four years.
I just sort of go to my meetings and then leave.
I'm not really a Hell's Kitchen guy.
It gentrified really fast.
First, it was gentrified along the West Side Highway, boom, overnight.
And then, boom, it went gay.
And the gayness was like Crocodile Dundee New York movie extra exaggerated.
If I saw it in a movie, I'd go, oh my god, this is corny.
This person's clearly never been to New York.
One guy had a fucking feather boa on.
A pink feather boa.
And another guy, when I went to the hamburger stand, he had black leather pants on and a black leather jacket with no shirt.
Like the village people.
And I went back to the meeting next month and I go, guys, have you seen, they all grew up in Hell's Kitchen when it was hell.
That's actually like, I'm sorry.
And I said, have you seen what's happened to your neighborhood?
It's an exaggeration of a gay part of town.
It's a corny Hollywood fake.
It's homophobic.
It's like, yeah.
It's what a stupid, corny Midwesterner who's never met a gay dude would imagine a gay village would be like.
It's like if my mom was hired to style a movie and she's like, alright, well I guess they'd have like feathered boas and leather pants and they'd be prancing about with fucking eyeliner on and kissing each other and all.
Who fucking dressed them?
Jim Henson?
Literally, it was Jim Henson levels!
It was!
That's funny.
It was like the band in the Muppet movie.
They're parodying, they're doing a parody of Gabe.
Who the fuck puts, who has a feather boa by their front door and goes, alright, I'm almost ready, and then puts it on like they're putting on a scarf?
I understand Mardi Gras, or Halloween, or something, but this was just part of his, what he wore.
What are you, Big Bird's ass?
Who puts on a feather fucking boa?
How do you even store it?
Surely, as you hang it, you're breaking little tiny feathers.
It can't last more than a month.
Do you have a box of glitter before the door?
Yeah, I just put on some glitter.
I go through feather boas like fucking crazy.
I buy 12 a year, one a month.
They fall apart pretty quick.
I wish they were made better.
I wish Patagonia made them and they were made from actual ostrich feathers because this fucking cheap holiday Spencer's gift dollar store shit is not lasting.
That's a great point.
Where do you buy that besides?
Costume stores.
Costumes.
Costumes.
Spencer Gifts, I guess?
What's it called?
Spencer's Gifts, Party City, um, that Halloween shop downtown.
So anyway, I say that to the guys there and they go, yeah, yeah, I just had a buddy who got out of jail, prison upstate, and he said, I saw guys holding hands inside, then I come back to my old neighborhood and they're doing it here too.
I can't fucking escape it.
What the fuck was I talking about?
The gays in Hell's Kitchen.
I'm going off on a tangent here.
They're holding hands.
Yeah, they were holding hands.
Well, that's where your Knights of Columbia- Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I was talking about my SPLC thing.
So, yeah, the implication against this guy who said, you brave now, faggot, is that hate groups are storming the streets, finding gays to beat.
Their hands would just be jam.
And they'd get the shit beaten out of them by gays.
That's the other thing.
Go- Hey racists, go to Harlem to beat up black guys.
Hey homophobes, go to the West Village to beat up gays.
Get back to me.
See how well you're doing.
That's the kind of quote they take out of context, of course.
Oh, shit, yeah, yeah.
But that is funny to see the transcript of jokes.
It's almost like when I get in trouble for doing, like, a food fight in school, when I used to, I would see it on the piece of paper and I'm like, you can't help but laugh at it, because it's like, they just don't get, they take all the fun right out of it.
Right, and then that woman Paula Farris at ABC News, when she did that feature on us, she said, You have to understand we're living in a society now, we're living in a time when things get taken out of context.
And so you have to speak accordingly.
And I said, no, I'm not doing that.
That's not how it works.
We're not going to sit here and every sentence, like when I just said that thing about go to Harlem and beat up blacks, um, obviously being sarcastic, uh, to let that be taken out of context is I'm sorry, sorry.
To speak in a way where every sentence is fine in context or out of context is to speak in legal ease.
That's kind of ironic, actually, that I'm talking about the SPLC's legal documentation and how it looks ridiculous.
So even beyond legal ease, I guess, in this case.
But you'd have to talk like a robot.
And you'd have to say, I believe that the amount of bigotry in New York City is vastly exaggerated.
Just by its sheer nature of population and diversity, it would be next to impossible to be a bona fide bigot who genuinely fears and despises Jewish people, homosexuals, and African Americans.
Though, this is based on my own experience living here for a quarter century and various other data statistics, but I'm totally open To someone disproving that and showing me actual Nazi gangs roaming the streets.
Right.
Like the 2-11 boot boys they always talk about.
They're old punk fans.
They're Hispanics.
They're fucking black.
They grew up in Manhattan.
Do you know how hard you'd have to work to be a Nazi in Manhattan?
You know how annoyed you'd get?
Especially when you can just hop on a train and be in the country in an hour and not have to deal with these goddamn whatevers.
It's LARPing.
You know, it's weird.
It's like you could...
They defend the ability to be like a diverse caricature.
Like if I wanted to start dressing like a woman, you know, people would support me.
Why can't you have like bad LARPers?
Like bad guy LARPers.
No, but they're not.
They're not pretending to be Nazis.
They're not Nazis.
That's true.
I mean.
And they'll say, well, here's a picture of them with a swastika.
A hundred years ago.
That's a thing that other squares don't get is in the sixties, all bikers had swastikas.
It just meant, fuck you.
I'm scary.
I think the Ching-a-lings, a biker gang that's still around in the Bronx.
By the way, I don't know if there's any whites in the Ching-a-lings.
They have swastikas on their logo.
We had Sid Vicious with the swastika.
It just meant fuck you.
Right up until, I'm gonna say like the mid 80s.
Maybe even getting into the late 80s.
Ladies.
And you'd have bikers that would have SS and a swastika or they'd have the SS skull.
Skinheads would have the SS skull that were black and Hispanic.
It just meant I'm a scary fucking dude.
It didn't mean I deny the Holocaust.
No, I'm not advocating such stuff.
I've been accused of having racist tattoos, by the way, because I have these fists carrying a lightning bolt, and apparently a similar logo was on a screwdriver, which is a racist band, newsletter.
Yeah, but we have a picture of you wearing a screwdriver shirt.
Yeah, I'm also wearing a Michael Jackson pin on that shirt, and the picture That is on that custom shirt is from Robert Crumb's cartoon.
What's it called?
When the N words take over America.
I think that's what it's called.
Uh... Neo-Nazis missed the point.
Yeah, it's called When the Niggers, and that word is written in spooky letters, take over America.
And he did this five-page story, and it's really a three-page story.
It's obviously, obviously a parody of racism.
It's like Archie Bunker.
It's almost like saying Norman Lear was racist for writing that.
Yeah.
Like, my dude.
It's a joke, no?
Yo, my dude.
Anyway.
That shit was a joke, dude.
The picture on the screwdriver shirt is from that cartoon, and it's obviously a joke!
When you're in Tokyo, wearing all white, white pants, and you're having sushi with Momus, the performance artist.
Anyway.
And then later, when the guy, by the way, is named Max.
Max Hair.
Later when Max was Max was pumped if you get ambushed and you beat up the guy that's never happened to me.
I don't think Not very successfully.
I mean there was Nazi skinheads that would terrorize us in the 80s And I definitely punched a couple, but we would almost always lose those fights There was never like five guys jump me, and then I kick the shit out of them I don't think it's ever happened to me, but you must be pumped after when for no fault of your own you get ambushed and As he was walking away, he said, and he's saying to his buddies, there was fucking four of them!
Not, he was a fucking foreigner.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nobody looks at a white Antifa dude and says, there was fucking, there was fucking foreigners.
Hello, I have just come to New York.
Well, I assume you'll be joining Antifa.
Yes, I would like to get involved in Professor's silly Marxist fantasies where we all meet at some expensive cafe in Bushwick and discuss the Marxist revolution with our phones in a separate bucket so we will not record each other.
Yeah, that's blending in.
So, Rajiv, what do you think of Richard Spencer?
I am not familiar, but I would love to get to know what is happening.
He's a Nazi.
We're gonna punch Nazis.
Okay.
Now, I've been doing some research since our last Antifa meeting.
The Nazis were a German army in the mid-40s who were defeated by an alliance of Western countries, correct?
No, dude!
You fucking stupid packy!
They start getting racist?
Yeah.
It doesn't take them much, does it?
No, dude!
They say it to me!
When they say Uncle Tom, the black guy, they're like, call him an N-word.
They love throwing the N-words.
Well, they were saying that there was those ICE cops.
In, uh, where was that now?
I forget where.
And they had the, the Antifa built a barricade and then these black cops and black border cops show up to say, yeah, we're taking the barricade and they go, you're a fucking N-word.
I'm not going to say it cause you'll take it out of context.
You're an N-word for the man.
Look at you.
And that's all on video as they scream at him.
Oh, there it is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where was that?
Based Antifa calls out N-word and oh, this is a racist site giving shout outs to, uh, To Antifa.
Did I click the wrong link or what?
Nice allies.
No, that's great.
Okay.
That's another thing that these lawsuits do is they say, oh, you talk about Western chauvinism.
White nationalists also like that.
And as I said to the lawyer.
Oh my God.
All cats are mammals.
All dogs are mammals.
All dogs are not cats.
Dude, this is so fucking funny.
Because this is a racist website.
And it says, um, it says, then it hit me.
If I wanted to join an all-white hate group that terrorizes blacks and spics, I should have joined Antifa.
Because I mean, I sure as hell shouldn't join Proud Boys or any other maga-pede group, because then for sure I'd be taking my orders from a base minority to prove I'm not racist, which I definitely am.
This is a funny article.
When you look for people that are pro-racist and you see whose side they take... Well, you get that it's a joke, right?
Is it a joke?
Yes, it's clearly a joke.
Oh, shit.
Well, he's probably a racist, but he is joking, pretending that Antifa is his ally.
But yeah, what city was that in?
Okay, it's not in this based article.
It's gotta be.
Find out.
Okay.
Um...
And then there was those two Marines that was remember that crazy story in Philly where Proud Boys were having a pro-constitutional thing and Antifa turned it into it was going to be in front of the Jewish Museum to celebrate the synagogue shooting.
And then Antifa shows up and they see two buff looking dudes, probably with polos on, and they go, oh those must be Proud Boys here to celebrate the mass murder of Jewish people, as one does, and so they start screaming at them, and then they go, we're Mexican, we're Marines, and then they start going, fuck you, spic, and wetback, and then they physically assault the Marines.
Oh yeah, those guys.
This happened in Portland, by the way, the ICE facility.
Oh that was in Portland?
I think I kind of get what's going on with Antifa yelling the n-word and stuff.
I think they've caught on that we like to use their own hysteria against them and it works for DNC types and more mainstream Lefties, when you go, actually you're the racist.
That's why Dinesh D'Souza always calls DNC the real racist because of the KKK and slavery and all that stuff and how they were behind it all, the Democrats.
And that hurts Democrats.
It's old ones, boomer Democrats.
But young millennials, they're like, yeah, fine, I'm racist.
Fuck you, Paki.
I want a revolution.
You know what's funny is that as many times as I've been called for wearing my Trump hat a racist, I've never said, yeah, you know what?
I am a racist.
I've never done that.
Well, they say it so often that you start going, okay, great.
Uh, I guess when they bring up this, I'll say this.
And then you start going, wait, am I?
And then you go, no, no, no, wait a minute.
I know what I am.
It's like if someone called you gay 600 times, uh, Eventually, you start going, well, I guess, yeah, maybe... No, wait a minute!
I don't want to suck a dick!
Right, yeah, yeah.
That's what Stephen Brody Stevens would say, too.
What?
That he doesn't want to suck a dick?
Well, everybody's calling me gay, so I went to Thailand, and I just saw what happened, and I pushed it to the limit.
I checked it out.
I don't like it.
I think I'm 10% gay.
That's it.
That's a really good Brody Stevens.
Is it?
Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
All right, you want to catch up on the mailbag?
Yeah, I got some good ones lined up.
By the way, we've been getting some songs.
Oh, sick, yes.
You want to hear one?
Of course.
Well, here, I should just email it to you.
Okay.
Oh, this is... Well, no, I'll put the mic towards the thing.
I'll turn it up.
This one you didn't see.
Remember the thing you said your music sucks?
I got another one like that.
It says Gavin... We'll get to that, we'll get to that.
Gavin, you keep mentioning a jingle for the mail bag, so I thought it'd be fun to whip something up.
Ryan was taking too long.
That's a good point, by the way.
I'm working on a lot of other stuff.
Fuckface.
Feel free to do whatever you want.
I'm not calling you a fuckface.
Calling the... What's his name?
The guy who wrote him?
Dan.
Dan?
Fuckface.
Ryan likes to nap, so he tends not to get that much done.
I've been sick.
You can hear it in my VOICE.
That explains one of your maybe 300,000 naps.
I'm currently working on a thing right now.
Oooh!
And it looks good, doesn't it?
Alright, this is someone's song for The Mailbag.
Ready?
Here we go.
we go.
That's pretty fucking good.
That was good.
I didn't hear what he says at the end.
Did you?
Uh, no.
I didn't think there was something.
Let me hear it again.
The mailman.
The gooch.
And in the background it says, The Scrotum.
Oh, is that what a Gooch is?
No, no, no.
A Gooch is the moment between the butthole and the moment.
The moment?
Someone likes exploring a man's nether regions.
Only in the moment.
You know when you, you know that magical moment when you're looking at a guy's butthole and you get bored of it and you're like you're on your way to the dick?
It's that little journey between one thing and another.
Alright, you ready?
Yeah.
Ryan's story about rocking a dude in the face is 100% legit.
From Mark.
Yeah, I know it was.
Mark who?
Revis.
Who cares?
How does he know?
He can tell, by the way you told the story about the fight, that it was real.
Thanks.
This is more millennial-splaining, by the way.
Thanks for telling me.
Hey, when you guys said that you had cheeseburgers right before the podcast, I knew that was true, because I know where your studio is, and there's a really good cheeseburger place there, and I probably would have had a cheeseburger, too.
So, shoutouts, man.
You're telling the truth.
Thanks.
Did you ever doubt me?
No, you can tell when people are lying about fights, and you're not a liar.
Yeah.
Well, you lie about stupid shit.
I just try to cover my own ass.
Right, which is annoying.
Adding shame to my already trying to fix a problem doesn't help.
Yeah, you'll say.
And that's... Pre-closet.
You're actually, you're honest about big stuff, but all the little stuff, you're fucking dumb, compulsive lies.
Hey, you said you were gonna order that on time.
Yeah, I was going to, but my computer went blank.
No, there's things I don't lie about, but it's like too much information.
Pretty much like who cares stuff.
You know.
What's happened about this?
Hi, Gavin.
This is from Carlos.
Hola, Carlos.
Have you guys thought about cataloging the funniest things said on the podcast?
My vote for funniest line is when Ryan said, You're my best friend and if you died tomorrow, I'd feel nothing.
No, that's not what he said at all.
You just ruined the joke.
He's talking about his mother and he said, I don't, I don't give a shit about my mother.
He said to me, he said, I love you to my mother and I don't even care if you died right now.
This is in public, there's like an old lady on the train.
Yeah.
So that was funny.
I want to say, since I've been listening to the podcast, I feel like I've become a better husband, son, friend, and brother.
There's a lot of valuable lessons about me being a man that I wouldn't, nay, couldn't get elsewhere.
I've noticed people want to hang around me more.
I found your podcast.
Oh, that gives me a, that inspires me to, what the fuck?
That reminds me, I meant to say, of something important.
When you're hanging out, And it's a new gang or something, you're enjoying yourself, and you just moved to a city or something.
Leave them wanting more.
Very helpful tip for young men.
You hang out with these dudes, they seem really cool, you got some new friends, and you made some laughs, and there appears to be, we seem to be evening out a little bit, the hilarity seems to be diving down.
Lie, say you have to go somewhere and then pay, you know, your share, your beers, maybe a bit more, throw down a big tip and vanish.
Same with parties, you know, Irish goodbye when you feel like it's fizzling and you're not going to get laid.
And that's a great way to keep them wanting more.
Now, when you get to my age and you know, like I have my local bars I like to go to, I will stay there till the last drop.
Especially if my wife's out of town, oh my god, the chairs are on the tables and everyone wants me to go, but I've already established my little crowd and I'm not looking for new buddies.
But if you are in the market for new buddies, then, um...
Then you gotta leave him wanting more.
And by the way, Ryan, if you're doing that, what you're doing right now, you are going to zoom in on the head, right?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm trying to bring the vignette even closer.
We're doing a parody of that DNC fight song that'll be on nohate.com very soon.
With that bum, bum, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-d You want to harmonize?
Yeah.
Okay.
Ready?
Yeah.
So you're going to do the dumbs?
Like a small boat Oh, we're going to do the whole thing Here, you keep doing the dums Like a small boat On the ocean
Sending big waves Into motion Like a single one I mean, I might only have one match but I can make an explosion.
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.
Oh, my God.
And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain.
I will scream them loud tonight.
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song.
Take back my life song.
Prove I'm all right song.
And I don't really care.
He threw me off.
What are you doing?
I would like to take that song to a hundred gays and I bet a hundred of them would go, Oh my God, that's the fucking gayest thing I've ever heard in my life.
There's a big resistance for like corniness.
Amongst like like Lucian.
I remember you know Lucian stuff.
He went out of his way I haven't hung out with him for more than probably three hours total and he would call out stuff.
That's way gayer than actual gayness Well, they're into fashion and what's cool, and they tend to not like shit that sucks.
By the way, that reminds me of a video I did called Gay Pride Parade.
You can look it up.
I thought it was really good.
It was a total flop.
It's only got 67,000 views.
It's now 10 years old.
And we went to the Gay Pride Parade, and we talked about, we interviewed people who were into, they were there, but not because they're homosexuals, but because they're into gay shit.
Wait, like Roger Stone?
Like Couples Therapy was one.
She was carrying a sign that says Couples Therapy.
It really works.
There was a guy there.
They were all plants, of course.
There was a guy there who loved watching Friends and he had the whole Friends box set.
And then there was another guy who wore sandals.
Yeah, a chick who really loves wearing... Oh, has a toe ring.
That's it.
And then another guy wore rollerblades.
So it wasn't about homosexuality, it was like gay shit.
That's why the gay was in quotes.
And, uh, didn't do very well.
That sucks.
I know.
Same with... I did another sketch called, uh, Writing the Queen's Onions.
Maybe because your shirt was way too big.
And untucked.
It was so fucking hot that day.
It looks hot.
Yeah, I did a video called Right in the Queen's Onions, redux, and it was about a fictional slapstick comedy star who his whole schtick was getting hit in the balls.
This is before Idiocracy, by the way.
David Cross is in it, Amber Tamblyn, that was also ten years ago, also flopped.
Anyway, wow, that's a big tangent for a letter.
Sometimes I just like using these letters as a springboard.
How we doing for time?
Doing good.
We're only at 51 minutes.
Oh, good.
Wait.
Oh, I got one that is very quick.
I want to clear this up.
I'm not done.
Carlos's letter.
I'm sorry Carlos.
I've noticed people, I found your podcast just after my dad died, which was completely devastating for me.
Yeah, duh.
My dad dying was devastating, not finding the podcast.
And I can't help but think there's a bit of divine intervention there.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do.
Yes, I'd like to get a beer with you sometime.
Sorry dude, that's not how, the way it works.
I'd like to get a beer with Hunter S. Thompson and fucking Ralph Steadman and Billy Idol.
I wish you were getting a beer with Hunter S. Thompson right now.
That was a very Jim Norton, Anthony Courier.
Oh, yes it was.
Yeah, I wish your helmet came off with your head in it.
Yeah, exactly.
And every time they do those jokes, there's always like a dun-dun-da-da at the end.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You get on a flight to Air Malaysia and crash into the ocean.
Make a mudslide.
Mudslide.
Yeah, control the weather with your fist.
Bring down a mudslide.
Anthony doesn't joke like that with anyone else, too.
No, it's a Jim and Anthony thing.
It's a Jim and Anthony thing.
And then poor Opes sits back.
Dude, this guy was trying to sell podcast sponsors for this show.
I'm like, OK, tell me when the checks start rolling in.
And he goes, would you appear on Opie's show?
I'm like, Opie?
Well, I think he works with Westwood One, is the thing.
And I go, why don't we worry about booking me on shows another time and focus on Moolah for now?
Yeah, you got the gears turned in there.
Don't book me on Opie's fucking show.
Not yet.
Yeah, that's not a high priority of mine.
Good morning!
A little bit of Black Keys to start off the day.
That's my Opie impression, it's awful.
It's pretty bad.
Christian Runkle.
On the last podcast, shithead Ryan Fuckpants I'm just kidding.
I said that.
Did you?
Yeah, yeah.
What did he actually say?
None of that?
On the last podcast, Ryan made a piss poor effort at a Mailbags intro song.
I figured I could donate 20 minutes of my precious time.
This is a different Mailbags song.
Oh my lord.
People are picking up slack.
So we have two now.
Feel free to use it as you please.
I signed my rights to the song away to the Get Off My Lawn podcast and Gavin McInnes.
I see a contest here.
Let's hear Christian Runkle's mailbag song.
All right.
That sucked.
Just about 15 seconds too long, but I thought it was cool.
I liked the tone of it.
Maybe just the chorus.
Gavin's mailbag.
Hey, you get off my lines, gotta go.
And the whole verse thing.
You know who have some of the best theme song?
You know, Jim and Sam.
They had that Canadian band make them their song.
Jim and Sam are here.
And then Chip's podcast made by the Hatebreed guy, Jamie Josta.
Chip has a fucking podcast.
And then it just stops.
Very short, very sweet.
So the first one wins in my opinion.
Yeah, hey you got off my lawn was lame and but if we just took that course at Gavin's Mailbag, that's Wayne's World.
Wayne's World!
Wayne's World!
Sorry Christian you failed.
Oops.
Joey the fifth.
He's talking about my keyboard.
That's boring.
That's more of a personal email.
I got one.
Uh, Texas bill would fine men a hundred times each time they masturbate.
Oh yeah.
I saw this.
This woman, um, a Texas lawmaker has proposed a bill that would fine a man a hundred dollars each time he masturbates.
Nice.
Now she's doing that to fuck with us.
Her name's Jessica Farrar, a Democrat, of course.
Texas Democrat.
Is there anything worse than a Texas, a Southern liberal?
Yeah.
Gross.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I like Austin, but all those fucking lefties in that town, they're un-Texan.
It doesn't make sense.
It's bizarre.
It's like a farmer on his cell phone.
Yeah.
It just fucking stinks.
I like my guns, I like the South, I like country music, but I hate my guns, I hate the South, and I hate country music.
I love my country, my guns, yeah, but I'd hate those.
But I love welfare.
And PewDiePie.
But the reason I put this in the letters is because we've got to start supporting her.
She did it as a gag to point out how weird it is that we want to control women's bodies.
But let's agree with her.
Because we do think masturbating is wrong.
It drains your chi.
Go watch the movie Papillon if you want to see.
Even in prison they discourage you from doing it.
It's not good for your mental health.
And watching porn is a whole other shitty thing that's bad for you.
They're both bad.
Combining the two is terrible.
You should only ejaculate within one yard of a woman with her consent.
What if she's pregnant?
Feel her buns and beat off.
That's fine.
But she has to be there and awake.
No FaceTime.
Sorry, uh, our boys abroad.
We almost allowed FaceTime.
Almost.
That'd be funny if you go, yeah, I got some kind of heavy news.
My boy's abroad.
And they go, your son's a tranny?
I don't know, he just went to Europe for a week.
You could play that either way.
Yeah.
My boy's abroad.
Oh, where'd he go?
No, no, no.
Sit down.
Dad, I got some crazy news.
I'm abroad.
What the fuck?
You're right here!
You're a fucking woman?
No.
Dad, calm down.
I got drunk last night and I went to LaGuardia and I flew to London.
Oh.
Oh, thank God.
And I'm a chick.
He's in front of you telling you, Dad, I'm abroad.
Oh, where are you?
Europe?
No, I'm right in front of you.
What is this, a hologram?
Oh, let me guess.
Obi-Wan Kenobi, your only hope?
Yeah.
Wait, wait.
Why does this hologram add tits and negate your penis?
Why can I touch your tits if you're a fucking hologram?
Why would I?
Many questions here.
I feel weird.
I was walking through the kitchen at Thanksgiving.
I haven't seen my son since he became abroad.
And my shoulder brushed his tits.
As I was crossing to get some cranberry sauce.
I like tits.
My son has nice tits.
I like little perky kind of tits.
You can see my son's tits.
My son's boyfriend has beautiful little tits.
I used to like to say that about working out.
I want to get buff like Madonna buff.
I want to get my arms like Madonna or that wrestler Chyna.
I want to try to get to that level of fitness.
Right.
Chyna.
I guess it's not funny.
Well, I got this one.
That was all right.
Clayton Moore.
Clayton Moore?
Mailbag faggot, he says to me.
Not nice.
I didn't realize you were a faggot until I reached, uh, reached, I watched one of Gavin's old Rebel videos saying you were one of his gay friends about ten minutes in.
Yeah, dude, this is, this has plagued me.
What do you mean plagued?
You got fag bashed?
Yeah, this is bad for my branding.
Yeah, you're saying that hypothetically, but are you losing subscribers for your dumb charity that you have your handout for because you're a gay?
No.
Ryan's not gay, folks.
You just calmly list your gay friends and I'm in it.
I don't even remember why I did that.
This is funny.
I guess I was just fucking with you.
That's the day after I blew all those dudes.
You got confused, I understand.
So yeah, Ryan's not gay, he has a Patreon where he begs people for money because he can't get his shit together, and then you go, well he's poor.
No, he does things like spends $100 a day to go see some chick that's two hours away.
It makes me happy.
It's not that he's...
He doesn't have money.
It's that he blows it like a Puerto Rican.
I just bought a Carhartt New York Yankees hat.
You did?
Yeah, it was $30.
You just bought two other Carhartt hats!
It's Carhartt Day!
I know, but I lost one.
You see?
That's where your money's going, folks.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
To the lose my hat fund.
No.
No, buy a new hat fund.
And listen, all right?
I just put up some really cool stuff on there, okay?
So you know the Bill Burr airplane thing?
I actually put up when Anthony's laughing his butt off to it on Crime Report.
Oh, great.
Let me donate to that.
It's a little secret videos you get.
Anyway, I got more... You can plug it now if you want.
Oh, it's, yeah, patreon.com slash thatjaprekin.
The hat fund.
Okay, that's depressing and sad.
That's another thing your generation can do that my generation can never do is just hold our hands out.
Well, it's exclusive content.
I try to make sure it's worth it.
Anyway, but I get three emails, you know, whenever you... No.
Okay.
PJR.
Backwards baseball hats.
Hi guys!
Saw Tyrus the Wrestler recently on Gutfeld wearing khaki overalls with one strap unhitched, big dumb wrapper chain and backwards hat.
He looks like an overgrown toddler on roids.
That's exactly what he looks like.
I fucking hate that guy.
I quit Fox News because of him.
Yeah.
Because he got the job I wanted and I got jealous and pissed off.
And he goes, yeah, you're just a hater.
Yeah, that's exactly what I am, Tyrus.
I fucking hate you.
You have nothing to say.
You're a liberal, by the way, a dumb liberal who just likes people like Al Sharpton because you're supposed to.
You never contribute anything.
All you do is shake your head and say these derivative quotes like, yeah, ultimately, though, it's about the parents.
You got to, you know, all those stupid lines that people say?
It's the parents, really.
Yeah, little sound bites.
Like the idea of Tyrus saying something that makes you go, huh?
I never thought of it that way.
Yeah, maybe smoking is healthier than not smoking if you're a certain personality type.
Never!
At least Greg Gutfeld actually I was gonna say I don't I don't speak to Greg Gutfeld anymore and I was I forgot why that was but I just remembered now because of Tyrus hmm the second I think the last thing I said to him Greg Gutfeld asked me something like should I check this out and I said I don't know why don't you ask Tyrus And the reason he hires Tyrus, by the way, is because he's a little man and he wants to do this joke about my big black friend.
It's like that skateboarder.
Rob and Big.
Remember that skateboarder who had... Yeah, that's it.
Rob and Big.
I thought you were saying Rob and Big.
Rob and Big.
Where he... Rob, that skateboarder who does that stupid ridiculousness show where they look at viral videos.
I like that show.
Ugh.
Uh, he just hired a big black guy to be his friend.
With also, like, beat up bigger security guards, too.
There was a purpose for it at once, but then he kind of exploited it.
You know what I mean?
What he had, like, yeah.
Um, I never heard Tyrus talk.
Can I listen to him talk?
For a second?
Yeah.
No, that's him becoming a Fox News contributor.
Tyrus, how you doing?
Pleasure.
So, uh, who are you contributing for?
Greg Gutfield.
Oh, hey, it'd be perfect together.
It's Greg Gutfeld.
You know, like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in that twins movie.
Yeah, we even wore sweaters together, too.
It was pretty cool.
What did he say?
I don't know.
He didn't say anything.
I know.
Greg.
Uh, you know, we're gonna report the news, our style, our way.
Crack some jokes, have some fun.
Try to get him off the unicorn thing.
Maybe get him into it a little more.
Yeah.
But you know, we'll see.
I just can't get over that.
Where does he come up to, about here on you?
Yes, he's incredibly short and I'm incredibly large, yes.
If you had any advice to give me for working with Grey, what would you tell me?
Work with Gutfeld?
Yeah.
See this is all scripted and he sucks at that.
Like find him on a news thing saying something talking about I don't know some shooting or the Parkland shooting or something.
Dude him and Dante Nero look like Bebop and Rocksteady from Ninja Turtles.
Like Dante Nero for all the beef I have with him he says things where you go holy shit that's interesting I never thought of that and it's clear he's For lack of a better word, he's an intellectual.
He thinks about stuff and he solves problems.
Like his whole concept of laying five bricks a day when you like girls.
You want to say five things.
Oh God, what's he got to say for himself?
Let's hear it.
Black lives matter.
And honestly, I made a shirt because that's what I do in my free time when I'm not fishing.
My life matters with a big brain.
Yeah, that's nice.
Because what it basically comes down to is compliance and resistance.
And if you look at, I would say, 99% of all the video stuff that you've seen, where you've seen police brutality and things like that, it's during what?
Noncompliance.
And what that simply means, I'm 6'8", 390 business pounds, I'm light-skinned, I have a beard, I listen to music loud.
When I get pulled over, It's never fun.
Yeah.
It sucks for me.
Yeah.
Because the cop gets out and goes, ugh, because he'll see this sitting there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, because I don't want him to go, ugh, because he doesn't know.
Right, right, right.
There's a giant tattoo, and he has to investigate to see who I am and what I'm about.
Yeah.
Hands are on the steering wheel.
I ask to do everything.
If he asks me to get out of the car, I get out of the car.
Right.
That's compliance.
Is that new information to you?
No, that's my grandmother.
See these Black Lives Matter, by the way?
Can they not just comply?
And you know, half of them are causing problems with the police officer.
Just do what he says, you know?
Put your hands behind your back if he says that. - Now, especially if you're a large man and you're tattooed. - See, you're a big one, by the way.
And the Polis come by!
Thanks, Tyrus, for Tyrus's two cents.
I don't hate him immediately as much as I wanted to, because you know what his thing is, probably?
He looks that way, but he doesn't sound that way.
Well, he's not wearing overalls with one of the things down under his arm.
I don't even want to see that.
Floppy, ploppy, sloppy overalls.
Even with a kid.
I mean, I would say a six-year-old is getting too old to have one of his overall things down.
Five-year-old, yeah, it's kind of cute.
I would say five and below, it's really cute when they have one of their overall things undone.
Even like the Coppertone baby was like, do I have to do that?
Seven and up.
Or maybe a puppy on Halloween.
Sure.
I don't mind that.
A puppy on Halloween.
But a grown-ass fucking man?
Fuck you.
You have the fashion sense of a puppy on Halloween.
Tyrus dresses like a puppy on Halloween.
Oh my god, I'm gonna make my dog Tyrus for Halloween.
You should make it Tyrus for Tuesday.
Matthew McCabe, how do I email the mailbag?
I have some alternatives to how to dress as a man segment.
One, Levi's.
Levi's are extremely anti-gun and the CEO looks like a cuck who says he hasn't washed his jeans in almost a decade.
Yeah, you're not supposed to wash your jeans.
Um, blah blah blah, I don't wash my jeans either, shut up.
This is weird too.
This is a millennial thing.
Where they just want to say something because it sounds cool, and then they admit later that they were just saying that because of that and they didn't actually mean it.
So that being said, I don't wash my jeans either because I have raw denim and they break in and look better with wear, but they're not Levi's.
Their is spelled wrong.
Levi's make cheap materials that last six months, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
A good alternative to Levi's are unbranded denim or naked and famous.
They cost a little bit more, but they last longer.
Naked and famous?
First of all, shithead, when I was talking about Levi's and all that stuff, I was saying, guys who aren't into fashion, if you don't care about fashion, then let's just stick with some basics.
And here are some basics to get.
And then he goes and sends you some $160 designer jeans to wear.
I have a pair of those.
That wasn't the purpose of the thing-a-ma-doodle.
I have a pair of those, by the way.
Yeah, dress like Adam Sandler in Big Daddy, if you have no idea what to do.
No, Ryan, no one's asking you for advice.
Well, that's my advice.
Big Daddy?
Is that what he's got his baseball shirts on and his... his, um... Oh, he's got a leather jacket and blue jeans.
No, dude.
Just like a regular- You dress- you wear camo sweatpants and a fanny pack and you have a nest of shit on your head.
No one's asking you how to dress.
He dresses like a basketball fan from, um, When Harry Met Sally.
He dresses like everybody loves Raymond.
He's got that open shirt.
Yeah, that's true.
I hate- I don't understand people who wear shirts that are open.
Well, I meant this.
Are you not cold?
When he dressed like Scuba Steve.
Shut up.
Chuck Taylors are owned by Nike.
So, number two, he's mad I endorsed Chuck Taylors.
Most com- They're not, uh, they're not comfortable.
Joey- Didn't Joey Ramone switch to gay purple Reeboks in the 80s after hurting his freak feet?
So?
A good alternative is PF Flyers?
You mean babysitter shoes?
No!
So that's terrible advice.
Why?
And here's another thing.
I wrote the do's and don'ts.
I've started two of the most influential youth culture movements of my entire life.
That's true.
Hipsters and Proud Boys, I started.
I wrote the do's and don'ts for decades.
They built my house.
We used to call my house in the Catskills, the house that Making Fun of Pants built.
And you're sitting here telling me about P.F.
fucking Flyers.
You know what P.F.
Flyers are?
What's that annoying car that has a similar name?
P.T.
Mustang or something?
P.T.
Cruiser.
P.T.
Cruiser?
P.F.
Flyers are the P.T.
Cruisers of shoes.
They look like Chucky wears them.
No.
No.
You don't wear knockoffs.
That's what they are.
They are knockoffs.
And then three Red Wings.
I'm pretty sure most Red Wings are made in China.
That's all he's got for that.
Where did you get your Cromby coat?
I've been looking for one that's not over 300 bucks.
Merck.
M-E-R-C.
They make a lot of Cromby ripoff stuff.
Alright, so that email pissed me off.
You want me to cleanse the palate with you, uh... Remember the guy who cut together you sniffling?
Yeah, that was a good one.
He's back.
Isolated audio of Gavin shitting on Ryan.
Okay, let's hear it.
It's gonna be tough.
It's gonna be hard on your ego.
Yes.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
That was a mistake.
Real professional.
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, no.
No one asked you.
Oh my god.
I thought you were doing that live.
- I'm gonna do that today.
- Yeah, all right, continuing. - You're giving me heebie-jeebies.
Not you, Ryan, I mean in general.
Short, like shorter than you, if you can imagine that. - I'm five something.
- Yeah, five nothing.
Every time I look over at this clown Ryan, don't put it all in lowercase.
God, you're a retard.
Do you know how retarded you sound right now?
Yeah.
It's gross.
When you open your mouth, it's gross.
Hearing your logic is like seeing millipedes breed.
Back to his idiocy.
It's like someone's talking with their mouth full, but your mouth is full of shit.
And now you threw off the whole rhythm of the whole thing.
Why would you say that?
Why do you keep coming up with excuses that make it worse?
One of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
It makes me nauseous.
Thanks, Ryan.
Are you in some fucking French novel?
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.
Anyway.
I mean, this is what I have to deal with.
Stop talking.
Like some Mr. Magoo, why not just accept that you did something dumb and go yeah, that is stupid.
I'm a retard No, no, you would be one of the few people stupid enough.
Yeah.
Yeah, just shut up, please and go to the clip So who's what's your point?
That's my Elliot stop.
Please stop.
Just stop.
Shut up.
Shut up Just stop stop while you were blethering on there.
Yeah, you're talking too much this episode then don't interject You're the guy who thinks you buy groceries in a basket with a little fucking French Bread thing.
That's even more stupid.
No one asked for Ryan's final two cents.
I've told you to shut up about 15 times.
Goodbye.
Let's stop.
That's right, folks.
And I'm Ryan Katsu Rivera signing off.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Shut up.
OK.
There's a few of those in there.
Oh, that's fucking great, man.
That was mean.
All tough love.
You're hired.
That is a real palate cleanser, too.
Oh, no, it is a clalit-pencer.
You fucking stupor.
Whoa!
Fighting back!
With David Horowitz!
There's a montage that's just that.
Uh, alright.
How are we doing for time?
We're running out?
Uh, no.
Well, yeah.
1.12.
Oh, good.
So we've got about another ten minutes.
Lars Christian Lund Storseth.
Hey, fucking Vikings.
Can you maybe abbreviate your shit to, like, Lars Storseth?
Dear Gavin, from 2016 to 2017, three professors from the University of Northern Texas have conducted research on behalf of WAPL, Washington Post, found that there have been an increase of 226% in hate crimes in the counties that hosted Trump rallies.
Uh-oh.
And then he says, let's examine some numbers from their source, the FBI hate crime stats.
This keeps coming up, by the way, on MSNBC.
And it's that FBI hate crimes are on the rise.
And I was arguing with some neighbors about it on a message board.
And they go, hate crimes up.
And then they put in brackets, sorry, Gavin, it's just a fact.
All right, well, that's the end of that debate.
It's just a fact.
Can't argue with that.
I must be stupid.
So then they go through this and this is also brings up an interesting point I was gonna say So he writes 50% only 50% of the offenders were white However, there was no distinction between white and Hispanic Latino and you'll notice they do this with crime stats They make Hispanics white if they want to make something they want to make whites look bad and also if they want to make Hispanics look good, they'll lump a bunch of whites into the Hispanic category.
So they move that back and forth depending on the message they want to get out.
That's a very handy thing about Hispanics.
And then he says 23% of offenders were black or African-American.
The rest were various other races.
However, when the ethnicity of the offenders is examined deeper, We see the following data.
Only 25% were not Hispanic or Latino.
Uh, blah, blah, blah.
64% were of unknown ethnicity.
So even though the race of the offenders were registered and there's no consistent in the data and whatever happened to those 50% of what offenders, blah, blah, blah.
17% blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, it goes on and on and on.
It's a bunch of stats.
You know, like those smart Northern Europeans, but it brings me to more interesting thing than this chunky letter.
Um, I think if we just said, all right, we want to totally eradicate hate in a year, Singapore style.
Now, anyone who says anything racist goes straight to jail for a week.
You do realize that white males are going to be at the bottom of that list.
Oh yeah.
And then, okay, so the takeaway from the SPLC would be, so McInnes claims that blacks and Hispanics are way more racist than whites.
I'm not really saying that.
What I'm saying is racism is totally intolerated in white society, whereas in non-white cultures it's more like, Oh well, that's his thing.
Yeah.
Which I guess it kind of was with whites in the 50s and 60s, but if you had a black dude at a party saying to other black people, yo we gotta get up, we gotta get what's ours, what we need, what we truly need is a black state.
We need to get like seven states together, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, make them black states, get all the white people out and have black run businesses and our own little Africa here in America.
You know how he would be treated at that party?
People would go, yeah, I guess.
I mean, that sounds complicated, Isaac.
Maybe we do that.
You're much better at the black accent than I am.
Yes.
Be tolerant of his ideas at a black party.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea, but how you going to increment that?
You know what I'm saying?
There's a whole list of shit you got to do before you just go ahead and do that shit.
I feel like he would've laughed when he said that.
There's a whole lot of shit you gotta do.
There's a whole lot of shit you gotta do with that.
Now if a white guy was at a party, exact same party, but just switch the races, and he said, what we really need to do is get white states together, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, just white people there.
He would be stabbed.
He'd be asked to leave.
Whoever brought him to that party would be in deep shit.
Carol, what are you thinking?
You know, there's a They Might Be Giants song about it.
I'm sitting here at this party listening to your racist friend.
Look it up.
What is that called?
I don't know.
They Might Be Giants racist friend.
He followed me from the kitchen to the bedroom.
I don't even believe it, by the way.
I like the songs they make.
They made a song about Co-op City.
Oh, that's where you grew up?
Yeah, I think I'm going to go there today.
Are they New Yorkers?
For my birthday.
Oh, it's your birthday today?
It is my birthday, yeah.
30 years old.
Act like it, right?
30 years old.
30 years old.
What are you going to do?
Fucking 30 years old.
You believe that shit?
Time fucking flies.
Jump in the middle.
No, that's too far.
Third.
Third.
This is where the party ends.
I'll just sit here wondering how you stand by your racist friend.
I know politics bore you, but I feel like a hypocrite talking That's how white people feel about the guy at the party.
So, careful what you wish for, lefties, because you're going to end up persecuting minorities in your crusade to end racism.
You know, working in a restaurant with... Mexicans are sexist, racist, and homophobic all in one fell swipe.
They'd be like, her ass was really fat because I'm not gay and I don't like them people.
You're like, dude, that's all three in one.
Yeah, but it's funny because they know humor and they're not bound.
I got another email that should cleanse the clalet.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey Gavin and Ryan, here's Michael, another gem from Undateables.
Hopefully you could find the full episode.
At one point he tells his date that her eyes are as brown as tree trucks.
Oh, I saw that one.
Did you?
Yeah.
Tree trucks.
Be very calm.
Wasn't that... Oh yeah, I remember that guy.
Uh, hello.
We haven't been properly introduced before.
I'm Michael, by the way.
You must be Alice.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you, Alice.
You too.
Well, Alice, do you want to go over to the park bench?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Well handled, by the way, for a severely handicapped guy.
We've both got autism, haven't we?
Yeah.
We've both got autism, haven't we?
All right, we're running out here, running out of steam.
From, who's this from?
Guy named JTK.
I saw your promo for this site.
I want to let you know that the SPLC also thinks that Roman Catholics and specifically the Knights of Columbus are extreme.
Come again?
Yeah, I saw that.
I hope, we didn't get to talk about that on the show, the Knights of Columbus were listed as an extremist group and there was a politician, I think a Supreme Court judge, that said, he was asked during his interrogation, did you knowingly join a club that opposes a woman's right to choose?
Meaning Catholics are, you know, pro-life, so if you're in the Knights of Columbus, you're in an anti-women's right to choose club.
Sounds smart, sounds reasonable.
What could possibly go wrong by vilifying Catholicism and calling them socially evil, morally wrong?
That's what a lot of this stuff is about, too.
It's about making Christians into sinners and making Catholicism wrong and illegal.
Because once you can persecute, say, a priest for not having a gay marriage and you can make it illegal, a society's laws are based on the society's morals.
So if Catholicism is illegal, then it's immoral.
Now we can start chipping away at Christianity, which is, like it or not, Judeo-Christianity is the backbone of Western society.
Once you take that down, you take the family down.
Once you take the family down, you've destroyed the patriarchy, you've destroyed community.
Then you flood everything with immigrants and you have a whole new country.
You know, you tell me that new country's gonna be better.
Okay, promise?
Because all I see right now is an act of war.
All of this sabotage to destroy America and rebuild it.
All this, no borders, no wall, no USA at all.
It sure sounds a lot like an act of war to me.
And I'm not into war.
I'm a peacenik.
I don't want you destroying our culture, our community.
If you want to join in legally and come here and learn English like Barack Obama just said the other day, he was encouraging immigrants to learn English.
Then yeah, by all means, that's the deal.
That's the beauty of this place.
It's not steeped in class and your last name and the history of whatever the fuck your balkanized country thought of the Albanians.
The beauty of America is it's a fresh slate.
So if you want to come here and help us build this new thing, that's what I did.
I brought a dozen jobs and said, I'm here to work.
I promptly forgot French.
And married a local, made some babies with her.
I showed up ready to rock.
If you want to rock, then let's rock.
And for those about to rock, by the way, I cannot say this enough.