Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes - #129 | Cops are done

April 8, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:22:29

#129 | Cops are done

When we were kids we played cops and robbers. More kids wanted to be cops than robbers but today, I doubt anyone wants to be a cop. Paperwork and constant scrutiny has ruined the profession. We send them into the shittiest part of the city and then get made when they don’t act like aristocrats. It’s made today’s cops suicidal but it’s also made sure tomorrow’s cops are just pussies and nerds. We also attack the mail bag.

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	Cops are done.
	The whole concept of policing is over.
	I don't know.
	I don't know one cop who wants his kid to be a cop.
	And I'm talking about guys where their grandfather was a cop and their father was a cop and their uncle's a cop and their cousins and everyone's a copity cop cop copity cop cop cop.
	I know some guy in the academy, but they have no delusions about it.
	They're just, it's not exciting anymore.
	It got ruined.
	And then things like body cams.
	Some cops like them because they get exonerated, but the footage can be used against you if it's clipped a certain way.
	And prosecutors have become social justice warriors, so they're going to clip it a certain way.
	Like Rodney King.
	Did you know Rodney King was a dick?
	Did you know Rodney King led those cops through a, I don't know how long, a 30-minute police chase through a residential neighborhood where he's driving at 80 miles an hour where kids could have been out on the street.
	And he's ripping through these neighborhoods, jeopardizing all these lives.
	Cops are chasing him.
	Cops are chasing him.
	Eventually they get him at that gas station, whatever.
	His friends just go down, put their hands over their heads, lie on their stomachs, and he won't stop screaming, taunting.
	They tase him.
	I don't think he was on drugs.
	That's the weird part.
	I think he just smoked a bit of pot.
	He was just a beast.
	And they shot him with tasers, and he laughed in their face.
	So after all that, they kicked his ass.
	Normal police work, but what did the whole county see?
	What did the whole country see?
	They saw him getting beaten to smithereens.
	And then when it went to court, everyone saw everything.
	They saw the whole context of what happened.
	And they went, oh, shit, everyone's wrong.
	He's innocent.
	I guess I was wrong.
	Sorry, you're good.
	And the people, the mob decided, no, that's not good enough.
	We saw the clip and that's justice.
	So that's what we want to happen.
	We want the cop to go to jail.
	So they redid the trial and fucking rearrested him.
	It's like Tommy Robinson with this stupid, okay, I gotta not have my computer on while I do these things.
	It's like Tommy Robinson and his contempt of court case.
	He's going back to jail for that.
	First of all, contempt of court is ridiculous.
	It's what happens when you say, fuck you, judge.
	Usually you just get tackled and dragged out of the courtroom.
	Sometimes, I think there's been once in recent history in Britain where the guy had to pay a fine.
	And he was a lawyer.
	And I believe he would not stop telling the judge to go fuck himself.
	That's considered rude in the legal community.
	He got contempt of court.
	I don't think he ended up paying it.
	I think his firm did.
	No jail time, of course.
	That's the last time you saw a contempt of court case.
	You know, if there's any journals out there, I highly recommend you interview Ezra Levant about British contempt of court law because the guy immersed himself in it and knows everything there is to know about it.
	So Tommy's already done 40 days in solitary like a dog in a kennel.
	And the only thing he could eat was tuna and some fruit from the commissary because the cooks were all Muslim and they were putting shit and piss and poison probably in his food.
	And he knew this because they'd say, you're right, Tom.
	How's your dinner, Tommy?
	Do you have a good dinner, Tommy?
	They'd walk by.
	They put him right across from the Muslim section.
	See what's happening here?
	We have prosecutors and judges on the radical activism side getting involved in all this stuff and saying, yeah, let's put him in with the Muslim in the Muslim prison.
	Let's have him across from them.
	Get it real dangerous.
	Maybe ideally kill him.
	And it didn't work.
	So he leaves.
	And then you'll have to get the details yourself, but I went down for his second trial after he had been released.
	And the judge, there was some random judge who didn't like Tommy because Tommy said, God save the queen at a trial a long, long time ago, like five or six years ago.
	They caught some terrorists who were on their way to kill Tommy and his bodyguard, Kev.
	And the police stumbled upon these two terrorists because they didn't have insurance on their rental or something silly.
	And then later on, they found all this shit in the car, like bombs and knives and guns and stuff.
	And a note to the queen saying, this is why we just killed Tommy Robinson.
	So that didn't work.
	And in the court, they yelled, God save the queen, as they were escorted out.
	That pissed off the judge.
	So years later, after Tommy's done his sentence where he lost 40 pounds, because he almost starved to death in there, that judge goes, actually, I'd like to try him if I may.
	So he tries him.
	And guess who the judge is for that retrial?
	That fucking judge that decided to charge him again.
	So now it looks like he's going to jail again for the same crime.
	This is a wake-up call for me with the Proud Boys on October 12th in that fight, where I kind of thought the courts were on our side.
	I got this from free speech.
	With free speech, usually when it makes it to the Supreme Court, the court errors on the side of the Constitution.
	It's the mob that's the enemy.
	It's the social justice warriors, the blue-haired nuts that are the enemy.
	The grumpy feminist housewives.
	And then I started noticing, wait a minute, some of these grumpy feminists are actually prosecuting DAs in the New York City court system.
	And some of them are judges, and some of them are prosecutors.
	What the fuck?
	And some of them are working with the media.
	And everyone, the media goes, oh, Gavin McInnes was bragging that he's friends with cops.
	That's why these guys are getting such a smooth ride.
	Smooth ride?
	They're facing prison time.
	You got to understand, knowing the cops doesn't help you.
	I don't know about Chicago, I can't speak to other towns, but having tons of cop buddies, it gets you a mini badge where you probably won't get a ticket if you do an illegal U-turn.
	And you probably can park illegally in some spots, might not get a ticket, although the parking guys are not that close with the MIPD.
	But as far as getting out of major crimes, no.
	The rank and file is the same as us here on the streets.
	And we're both fucked.
	And I did try.
	I said, can you get me some inside scoop on what's going on there?
	And if I would text that to a cop, he would stop texting me back.
	I mean, these guys lose their pensions all the fucking time.
	That cop who slapped the guy who tried to kill himself, he just went to prison for five years.
	The guy who put the poll up Abner Luima's ass, what was his name?
	Justin Volpe, he's still in prison in Florida.
	They don't get away with murder.
	Those days are gone.
	And that's a good thing.
	The guy who put the poll up that dude's ass should go to prison.
	But I think the pendulum has swung beyond that.
	And they're not just getting bad cops.
	They're getting good cops.
	And here's what happens with this.
	When you start persecuting police and saying things like, the latest one I've heard is if you go in and you shoot a guy who is like about to shoot someone, you get investigated, guaranteed, because you shot someone.
	And then they say, did you announce that you were going in?
	Did you announce your arrival?
	Hi!
	Police, we're coming in here to shoot anyone who's shooting people, just so you know.
	No, I didn't announce my arrival.
	You shouldn't.
	You have to surprise bad guys.
	That's in their training.
	They're at the point now where they're getting penalized for things that were in their training.
	Like there was that guy in the Bronx, I think, a cop who shot an old lady, old black lady who's coming at him with a baseball bat.
	In the training, the cop training, one of the fucking cardboard things that comes at you that you're supposed to shoot with your little rubber gun, whatever it is, is someone with a baseball bat.
	You can get killed, or even you get knocked unconscious.
	Now she's got your gun.
	If someone comes at a cop with a baseball bat, they have to shoot them.
	And I remember the jury, they had to bring in an expert because the jury hates cops in New York.
	The jury was ready to throw the book at them.
	They had to bring an expert and say, no, actually, you can be killed by a baseball bat.
	So what it's doing now is it's attracting nerds and pussies and people who don't want confrontation.
	Like we saw this in the south side of Chicago.
	Cops kept getting persecuted.
	They kept getting fired.
	They kept losing their pensions.
	They kept getting penalized for doing police work.
	Oh, it's stop and frisk.
	They're racist.
	And the south side of Chicago said, fuck you, pigs.
	We don't want you down here.
	And the police went, okay, you win.
	So cops stopped going to the south side of Chicago.
	And now I believe they're up to two murders a day.
	That tiny area.
	New York has a murder a day.
	We have three times the population of Chicago.
	Our murders are all East New York.
	Their murders are all the south side.
	And that's two murders.
	That's two deaths.
	The shootings that go on there.
	I was talking to a military vet.
	I said, I think there was like 60 shootings one weekend.
	And I said, what if there was 60 shootings in Afghanistan in a battle?
	And he goes, that would become the battle of Kafir.
	Like it would be in Wikipedia as a thing.
	That's an event.
	60 shots.
	That's not just a kooky weekend.
	It's a kooky weekend in the south side of Chicago.
	In the world, that's considered a pretty serious battle.
	I mean, not one of the biggies.
	What's the biggest battle in the Civil War, Ryan?
	Oh, that would be the Charleston Showdown.
	That would be so weird if you were smart.
	What if you bumped your head, you fell off your bicycle, and you just became a smart person one day?
	Well, is smart being able to retain information or is it, I mean, because I think I'm bright.
	Like, I just absorbed nothing.
	Well, you're half, yeah, you're half Puerto Rican, you're half Japanese.
	So you're half bright and half retarded.
	I've learned how to play guitar.
	I've learned how to edit and Japanese guy.
	Yeah.
	But all within like a short period of time.
	So I think I have the ability to be smart.
	I just haven't gone to school.
	A good school for Pete's.
	No, you still say retarded stuff like, hey, Ryan, you should get a bike so you can get groceries.
	Well, I'd need a basket for my little baguette.
	That was pre-closet.
	pre-closet.
	All right.
	Point taken.
	Folks at home, by the way, if you're wondering and you haven't heard the previous podcast, Ryan has a suit hanging on his windowsill, and I said, why don't you put that in the closet?
	And he goes, oh, I put that there pre-closet, like his closet was new.
	What I meant was before I took the closet seriously.
	Anyway, I want to.
	Wait, I want to.
	That's actually what you did meant.
	I just surprised myself, though.
	Yeah.
	That sounded dumb.
	Before I took the closet seriously.
	Yeah.
	And it sounds funny, but it's true.
	Right.
	Battle of Gettysburg is.
	I'm an estimated 25,000.
	Holy crap.
	It's a lot.
	Holy crap.
	And they didn't have the infrastructure to deal with those bodies.
	So that must have been a mass grave.
	I know there was a massive train accident with POWs where I used to have a house up in Shihola, Pennsylvania.
	And I think there was 43 dead POWs, southerners, and they just sort of went, sorry, guys.
	And they dug a big mass grave and threw them in it.
	Yikes.
	Sorry, POWs.
	We didn't know the train was going to crash.
	And two of them lived for a long time, like, well, a long time, 48 hours.
	And the Northerners had the families notified.
	The families came up and were able to say goodbye to their boys.
	I might tear up right now.
	Their boys were probably 20 years old, I bet.
	And they got to say their goodbyes to these two men.
	And the two men are buried in a tiny Abandoned cemetery that's at the back of an old church that these homos bought.
	They were my neighbors, and they were called Johnny and Roswell.
	They don't speak to me anymore because of the proud boys, but we were very close for a long time.
	In fact, I woke up once next to Roswell, nude.
	He's a nude or you.
	I always sleep nude.
	We were both naked.
	Oh, my Lord.
	And for a millisecond, I looked down and I thought, wow, my wife's really slim down because he's petite.
	And then I thought, you don't lose weight in a day.
	And I realized there's a gay man in my bed.
	There's a gay man in my bed.
	There's a homo in my leash sheets.
	And he's wriggling around.
	What if the kids walked in?
	I kind of vacillate from going, haha, that was kooky, to, hey, like, what if my son walked in and saw dad in bed with a nude gay man?
	Holy smokes.
	I don't know.
	I don't mean that in a, what the fuck?
	They could have thought it was a fag, but that's still infidelity.
	It's still confusing.
	Like when they talk about cheating, well, my dad fucks dudes sometimes, but he doesn't cheat on my mom that much.
	In fact, I've only seen him fuck one.
	Well, I don't even see them fuck.
	I just walked in after what I assume was a night of serious butt sex.
	You know when things just look bad, but they're not?
	There's just no.
	Yeah, imagine how disturbed you'd be if you walked in and saw your dad in bed with a nude dude.
	Holy fuck.
	A new dude?
	A dude.
	Navid?
	Another train thing that, or a big accident that happened this past weekend, a hockey team, I think from Humboldt County, California, a hockey team, like I think 16 of them died, like coaches and players in one bus accident.
	Fuck.
	Yeah, I remember that.
	That was a while ago.
	Was it?
	Yeah, thanks for breaking news.
	What do they call me Ancient News Rivera or something?
	I just call you Ancient News.
	You always text me a story 48 hours after everyone else has seen it in Twitter moments.
	Anyway, I want a segment on the show, Ancient Chinese News.
	Ancient Chinese News.
	Ancient Chinese News.
	That should be a segment on our new show.
	It should.
	We're already working on the new show, guys.
	Fun stuff.
	Like, I put together the 25 hottest women in the world, and we're realizing it's an amorphous list in that some of them got to go.
	Some of them are in.
	Like, we had the chick from Game of Thrones, particularly the character she played in the Han Solo movie, where she was some insanely hot princess.
	Then we saw her sing a reggae song, and we thought, I'm glad you had a brain aneurysm.
	You're out.
	And then there's that Elizabeth Stokie chick.
	Oh, you've got it?
	Yeah, this is.
	Okay.
	So I'm talking about the chick from Game of Thrones who's a blonde hair and has all those dragons, Amelia Clark.
	She in the Han Solo movie is so hot that I was, I saw it in the theater with my kids.
	I actually leaned back in my chair and sort of went, holy shit.
	Like I was watching an insane, you know, train accident where someone got beheaded.
	I was shocked.
	And I think my mouth was agog the entire movie.
	That means your jaw is hanging on the ground.
	And so I put her on the list.
	And then I see her do this reggae song with these gross shoes.
	And then I found out later she had a brain aneurysm.
	They're not related, I guess.
	Forget the aneurysm.
	I think this is a recording of the brain aneurysm.
	Yeah, we thought.
	We thought God went to cringe Reddit and he was like, that's it.
	Fuck this bitch.
	And he made her brain pop.
	But anyway, listen to this and let your brain pop.
	George R. Martin meets Chris Martin.
	What could go wrong?
	Game of what now?
	I'm a Rastafarian, Targaryen.
	I got some dragons and they are very scarian.
	Been here and there and then I've been everywhere again.
	Rastafarian.
	Sargon call me the Nairestargary.
	I mean Rastafari.
	And you know what else is going on there?
	That's enough.
	She doesn't want to be racist and have a Jamaican accent.
	So she's doing it in a Jamaican styleee, but not actually appropriating the patois.
	Here, go back to the part I just interrupted where she's doing a nail and the nairest Targaryen when you want to reach me.
	And if you feel no love, then you can call me Kali.
	She got so many names.
	That makes me so sexist.
	It makes me hate actresses more than I already do, which I didn't think was possible.
	I am in the KKK of racists.
	I mean, I am in the KKK of hating actresses.
	They're the worst.
	Alyssa Milano, remember that video, that song?
	I got my fight song done to fight.
	I still got a little fight left in me.
	Oh, fuck.
	Oh, God.
	It's like all these actresses, and it's, you just hate them.
	Their faces look gross.
	Oh, God.
	They're so smug and vapid, and they have nothing to offer.
	Have they ever read a non-fiction book?
	Has any actress in the world ever read one non-fiction book in her fucking life?
	Everybody looks like shit.
	Play the song so they can see what we're talking about.
	Oh, shit.
	By the way, that's a shout out to Hillary because her first book was called It Takes a Village.
	Isn't it racist that they put purple behind her?
	I mean, tell the folks at home what that YouTube is so they can.
	It's the Democratic National Convention girl fight song or our fight song.
	Yeah.
	There's only 3,000.
	There's only 30,000 subscribers to their channel.
	What losers?
	Wait a minute.
	I have to, yeah, that's less.
	That's a tenth of what I have.
	But wait a minute.
	I have to finish my cop's point.
	So they come up with all these rules and it makes it worse for the hood, by the way.
	Areas, fancy white areas have no crime in them.
	So the cops can leave or show up, doesn't really matter.
	But in the hood, the cops decide how many people die.
	And when cops leave, that means a lot of people die.
	Mo cops, less death.
	Mo policing, more safety.
	Mo guns, mo safety.
	Legal guns.
	When you enforce these stupid gun laws, the old black ladies and the dads who stuck by their black families in the hood, they're the ones that are fucked.
	Illegal guns are already rampant.
	I could buy an illegal gun tonight for 500 bucks.
	So you persecute them, they make their job hell.
	They just had, look this up.
	They just had two cops blow their heads off.
	I think it was in Hartford, Connecticut.
	And it was a party.
	Some Hispanics were having a party.
	I don't know what kind of Hispanics.
	One of the countries in Mexico, as Fox News said recently.
	And they were just being real lippy to the cops, telling them to fuck off.
	And one of them had a gun, and the cops freaked out, but they realized later he was a bounty cop himself, and he had a license to have the handgun.
	So they're getting investigated.
	It's coming down hard on them.
	And two cops blow their heads off.
	Each other's heads off.
	Yeah.
	No, not each other's heads off.
	Oh, they shot themselves.
	They both separately committed suicide.
	Oh, frick.
	Oh, I see it here.
	Yeah.
	No, you don't.
	That's friendly fire.
	What are you talking about?
	NYPD?
	No, it's not New York.
	Oh.
	You think Hartford, Connecticut is run by the NYPD?
	No.
	Yeah.
	It's an acronym.
	And the first two letters involve New York City.
	Maybe that wasn't clear enough for you.
	You thought there was the New York State PD?
	I did.
	Just look up two cops who committed suicide and then hit news.
	Do you even know that?
	Do you even know the news thing?
	Like, say you want to learn what Alyssa Milano's been up to recently.
	You go, Melissa Milano, right?
	You hit Google.
	Then you have news, images, videos, shopping, more.
	You click news.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So, okay, this is it.
	Oh, one.
	Okay.
	Yeah, found dead in his Milford home.
	Police chief Armando Perez.
	That sounds right.
	Confirmed that.
	Oh, no, no, no.
	The person that killed himself was Mark Bilinke, 19-year-old.
	Cop?
	Veteran.
	Yeah, he was found dead in his Milford home.
	Was he a cop?
	You got the right story?
	Yep.
	Bridgeport.
	Following an unprecedented investigation, 17 Bridgeport police officers are facing discipline.
	Nine could be fired.
	All after the cities.
	Internal affairs found they lied on official reports violating Regulation 2017 incident where cops broke up a collar.
	Oh, yeah, party on Colorado Avenue.
	There we go.
	Two officers investigated for their involvement that night.
	Since have killed themselves, including Sergeant Belinki, 19-year-old veteran.
	And the other one was Thomas Latanzio, Latanzio, who had been on administrative leave as a result of Colorado Avenue incident.
	Killed himself at Seaside Park, Bridgeport.
	There we go.
	So, and these guys, they tend to be divorced.
	All they really have is their job and their pension.
	That's their entire identity.
	And they probably work tons of overtime when they're not with their kids because what else are you going to do?
	Sit at home?
	And they get stressed out, so they drink a lot.
	So all this guy has is his badge, and then you say, fuck you, we're going to throw your badge in the garbage.
	Kills himself.
	Happens all the time.
	They're all divorced, and their suicide rate, I bet it's like five times the national average.
	Suicide rate.
	But anyway, here's the point I've been trying to make since I got on this goddamn microphone.
	So that's the first generation.
	I think it was pretty cool to be a cop during Giuliani.
	Actually, pre-Giuliani, it was also bad.
	The Dinkins, they'd spit on cops and stuff.
	Then for Giuliani in the 90s, it was good again.
	But then it became bad now in de Blasio's, New York.
	And you got the suicides and all that stuff, and they're miserable, right?
	But then you go, who's going to join the academy now?
	Who is it going to attract?
	And when you have all these stupid rules and you make it impossible to do anything, you're going to attract pussies and nerds.
	Nerds don't mind paperwork.
	I did a ride-along once and both cops had all of the Lord of the Rings on their iPhones.
	You don't need to close the windows.
	I don't care about noise.
	That's a nerd.
	And that's someone who doesn't mind sitting down and filling out three pages every time they get someone doing an illegal U-turn.
	So what does that mean?
	That means you have pussies and nerds who don't do any real policing.
	They're not going to beat up a guy who just beat up an old man or something.
	They're not going to chase anyone down an alleyway.
	Or they're not going to chase Rodney King in a car.
	He's going to get away with whatever he wants.
	You basically just don't have police.
	And that's where we're ended up.
	So what you've seen in the south side of Chicago is about to start spreading.
	And you're going to see more deaths in Baltimore, more deaths in East New York, more deaths in South Central, and no reporting on it.
	Because we also have, we're at an all-time low.
	Sorry to be such a negative Nelly.
	We're at an all-time low with journalism.
	Like there's a race war going on in South Central where Mexican gangs and Mexicans in general are killing black people just because they're black in an effort to ethnically cleanse the neighborhood.
	I believe the ADL even called it ethnic cleansing.
	I've seen one article.
	It was, what's his name on Red Alert Politics, Ryan Gurduski.
	He's the only guy I've seen writing about this.
	And they just went up to a little 13-year-old black girl on her skateboard and just shot her in the head and drove away.
	They throw Molotov cocktails into the kids' bedrooms.
	No one writes about it.
	Because they'd rather just fucking focus on a typo Trump made.
	Because they can do that from sitting on their ass.
	All right.
	I got that out.
	Now I ain't so mad.
	I've got a lot of voice notes here that I'm supposed to tell you about.
	You saw the giant bear and he went, Hey, bear.
	I was drinking with this guy last night, and in my study, I've got a giant stuffed bear.
	And that's where the nearest bathroom is, if we're in the living room.
	And I heard him walk in, and just to himself, he walks into the little study, which is very small.
	It's like 10 feet by 10 feet.
	And he sees the giant stuffed bear.
	And I overhear him, and he had no way of knowing anyone was listening, go, hey, hey, hey, bear to the bear.
	He probably did that so he didn't shit himself.
	The first time I saw that, I got scared.
	You got scared of the bear?
	See, it's huge and it's human-shaped.
	You know what's great if the dog's getting on my nerves, I just go there and he's too scared to come in because the bear will attack him.
	I can't remember exactly what the context was, but Willie talked about some being grammarically incorrect.
	Yeah, that was a form.
	Party grammarically.
	He goes, they wrote out this form.
	It was totally grammarically incorrect.
	Willie quotes.
	One, I don't want to sound like a pussy or nothing, but it got really cold.
	And then the other, talking about my kids being healthy, bless your stars, man.
	Yeah, that's what I want to say.
	He was talking, we were talking about kids, you know, friends of ours who have a kid that's autistic or handicapped and stuff like that.
	And it's fairly common amongst the people we know, especially as we get older.
	And he goes, you know, your kids are healthy, man.
	You got to bless your stars.
	Just bless your stars.
	Your kids are healthy.
	And I'm like, do you mean thank my lucky stars?
	Anyway.
	Dude, that just reminded me.
	So I picked up a weekend job at the old sushi restaurant I used to work at.
	Classic Japanese person.
	Yeah, seriously.
	But I was waiting tables and this guy came up and he was asking me about the roles.
	He's like, yeah, I get these two roles, so to speak.
	He kept saying so to speak.
	I love that.
	He keeps saying so to speak.
	That's like a rapper thing, if you will.
	Yeah.
	For all intents of purposes.
	Isn't there a Fat Joe album that's called If You Will or Big Pun?
	Maybe.
	Yeah, Big Pun.
	And they're trying to sound smart.
	No one talked like that for the past hundred years.
	Yeah, it's another thing they say is in regards to, but not limited to, their reign.
	In which case.
	Well, now I got to find that fucking album.
	So Big Pun, he's got capital punishment.
	Yeah, baby.
	So that can't be it.
	Who's the other guy?
	Fat Joe.
	Fat Joe.
	I heard Big Pun used to beat the shit out of his wife.
	In fact, I met a cop who used to beat him up.
	Back in the good old days, they'd bring in Big Pun, and they'd beat him up every time he beat up his wife.
	And you know what his wife would do?
	She would run up the stairs because he was so fat he couldn't climb stairs.
	She'd be like, get the fuck down here.
	Get down here, you fucking bitch.
	The elephant in the room?
	Is that what I'm thinking of by Fat Joe?
	No.
	Family ties, all or nothing, loyalty.
	Already in reality check.
	What did you think it was?
	It was like, if you will.
	Huh.
	Or something like that.
	That's like when P. Diddy said, he never seems to amaze me.
	Anyway, let's...
	Have we said everything funny we want to say?
	Well, this is probably not going to translate in the podcast, but Ryan and I were just laughing about when we watch, we like to go to Reddit Public Freakout where you see people fight.
	And some guy was using racial epithets, and he got up to about six before the black dude he was yelling at started beating him up.
	And every time the white guy got hit in the head, he'd go, ooh.
	And there's something so funny about someone getting in a fight or getting beat up.
	And every time they get punched, they go, ooh!
	There was a viral video I saw a long time ago where the guy did that every time he got hit.
	And I can't remember for the life of me what it was.
	But it's funny.
	By the way, sparring, learning some unbelievable stuff these days.
	And here's a great example of why sparring is better than just hitting the heavy bags.
	I was working on this super duper cool move where I make a step to the left and that gets me out of your way.
	And now I'm right by your right ear and then I do a left hook.
	So I deke out your punch and do a left hook.
	I've practiced that on the heavy bag 90 billion times and guess how well it works in the ring?
	Probably well.
	Zero.
	Oh.
	It sucks.
	Because to do that step, to walk over there basically to a new section of the ring, the guy can see what you're up to.
	So he just puts his gloves by his head and your left hook is always punching a glove.
	Doesn't work.
	Nothing is more effective than actually trying out the thing.
	If you're going to open a restaurant, start selling, just open the back of your pickup truck at a tailgate and start seeing if people like your pulled pork sandwiches.
	Then you can open a pulled pork restaurant.
	I used to go to this great pizza place upstate.
	And if you're a New Yorker, we consider upstate two hours from here.
	It was called Benji and Jake's.
	And they started just selling their pizzas from a pizza oven by the lake.
	And then they started selling more and more and more.
	And the next thing you know, they built a restaurant.
	That's how you do it.
	You know what I learned today?
	When guys punch you in the side, sometimes they don't give a shit about punching you in the side.
	They're punching you in the side so you lower your arms to block it.
	And then you leave your head open and then bonk, nail you with the left.
	Or even an uppercut.
	Looks like good pizza, man.
	Oh, it's a really high quality pizza.
	Super chill.
	Yep.
	There's another place.
	Are you near Port Jervis in New York?
	Yeah, I actually, yeah.
	There's a really fucking weird place there called Len and Joe's, Len and Joe's.
	And I think it's just some random fat housewife who said, I want to try to make a pizza, Joey.
	And he goes, What are you talking about, make a pizza?
	What do you know about pizza?
	I'll try it.
	And then she invented a new kind of like thick crust pizza that you jerk off thinking about it.
	It looks like Elio's, but like homemade Elios.
	Their restaurant is like a house.
	It doesn't even look like a real restaurant.
	There's a little shitty bar in it.
	And the pizza's insane.
	Like, you get mad at your stomach because you can't eat enough.
	If someone said, would you rather go to Keene's Steakhouse for a prime rib or Lennon Joe's for pizza, I would go, can you give me some time?
	Can you give me a week?
	Dude.
	Oh, shit, I didn't finish the faggot stuff.
	Sheesh.
	Whoosh.
	So, before we get to the mailbag, those homos I told you about who bought that church, pretty blasphemous, by the way.
	Like, their confessionals are upside down now, and they have probably gigantic gay orgies.
	I know sometimes I'd talk to them and say, yeah, that was during my crazy days when I had a threesome.
	And they're like, a threesome?
	One of them is southern.
	Threesome?
	God damn it.
	You're a pussy.
	I'm not even interested if it's less than a sixsome or a sevensome.
	Like seven people fornicating?
	How many dicks is that?
	Well, I guess it's seven.
	Yeah.
	But there's legs everywhere and what is that, 70 toes?
	No, thanks.
	I don't think I would want to fuck seven chicks.
	I know that sounds gay, but I'll tell you what I really wouldn't want to fuck.
	72 virgins.
	No, thank you.
	I fucked virgins when I was in high school.
	It was torture.
	It was like you were a gynecologist pulling teeth out of their vaginas.
	They were just like, hold on.
	Ow.
	Move your arm.
	Okay.
	Ow, ow, ow.
	Okay.
	Is that okay?
	No, thanks.
	I'll take a divorced Puerto Rican with pendulous breast.
	I'll take Cardi B over a virgin any day of the week.
	But anyway, these gays, when they bought the church, they revamped it.
	It looks amazing now.
	I mean, it could be in better homes and gardens.
	I'm not exaggerating.
	And the lawn, all the bodies and the coffins have decomposed.
	So it's like a golf course.
	Like, what are the Trump links?
	It's like moguls in their backyard.
	You can't mow it with a lawnmower.
	So they get there and they manually mow it with like a hand thingamedoodle.
	And they discover all these gravestones.
	And two of them, to bring it back around, were these from these Confederate POWs that were from the Shihola train wreck, where 43 men were just thrown in a mass grave.
	Two of them lived.
	They had a real ceremony.
	Now, this is what we don't get in history.
	You know, my kids get all this Howard Zinn shit, the people's history of America, where we learn about how evil we were and Adam, what's his name?
	Sam Adams.
	Who's the president?
	Adam Jackson?
	Andrew Jackson?
	Andrew Jackson loved killing Indians.
	Yeah, I don't believe you that he loved killing Indians.
	He may have killed a lot of Indians.
	Sure.
	But this Zenism, this zenification of history is just about how evil we are.
	And then you actually talk to people who know about it and you go, no, that's not the case at all.
	Andrew Jackson said to the local Indians, we want you to assimilate.
	And you have to understand if you refuse, then now you're a different people.
	This area is America now.
	If you don't assimilate at all, then you're a foreign country here, and now we're at war.
	I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that was his logic.
	Anyway, so these northerners have a nice ceremony for the Confederate young men who died.
	I mean, with 620,000 dead, they all must have been thinking this fucking sucks.
	And I think a lot of them were just the lack of good medicine.
	We may have had similar death tolls in the Middle East by now, but we're so good at medicine that we give you a prosthetic leg and we get you a new brain and we stitch you up.
	Then you'd have a cannonball rolling along a field.
	It takes out one guy's leg.
	He gets that cut infected now.
	He's dead.
	You bled to death.
	You had gangrene.
	You got infections, dysentery, starvation, hypothermia.
	There's a million ways they all died.
	It's possible that the war in Iraq is worse than the civil war, even though I think we've only lost about 10,000.
	Maybe it's worse than Vietnam.
	That was 60,000, but I'm sure there wasn't great medicine.
	And I'm sure in the tropics there, the amount of infections are just nuts.
	I remember in Costa Rica, whenever we would stub our toe, it would guaranteed get infected.
	Because there's just organisms living everywhere when you're that near the equator.
	Any hissle.
	So they had a nice ceremony and everything.
	And now, every Memorial Day, as the homos are dancing around in tutus listening to Madonna in the backyard drinking margaritas, these upstate New Yorkers, and they're totally cool with the fags, come by and they play taps on the trumpet and they have a memorial ceremony for these two Confederates who died fighting us.
	You know, the snarky attitude from the new left, too, is like, fuck those guys.
	They lost.
	Let's take down the statue.
	Yeah, I get it.
	But it was still a major war and those guys were conscripted and they weren't going, yeah, I want to keep slavery.
	You're all dead.
	They were just guys in muddy trenches getting shot in the fucking head.
	I'm glad those racists died.
	What, 2% of Americans owned slaves?
	Do you really think that was all about slavery?
	Do you really think that these poor working-class southerners wanted the rich people to preserve their slaves?
	For what?
	You think someone's going to go to war so a guy in finance can retain his Maserati?
	That doesn't make sense.
	All right.
	Ready to start the mail bag?
	You should come up with a sound for this mail bag segment because it's becoming quite regular.
	Maybe you could rub your bag against a microphone?
	I'd rather not.
	I've just learned about this today.
	What's it called?
	ASRA?
	As were?
	As?
	These YouTube videos where women will just...
	ASMR.
	I don't know what the acronym stands for.
	I don't care.
	But these women will just whisper into the microphone or tap their nails or just with a makeup brush, stroke an expensive microphone so you hear the bristles.
	And they'll have, I don't know, 30 million views.
	What the fuck is going on with men?
	What have we done to men?
	What has pornography and feminism done to the male psyche that you want to listen to a woman whisper into a hairy microphone?
	All right.
	Dearest Gavin, my name is Alec.
	I'm from Wichita, Kansas.
	I remember watching a video of yours giving advice on how to meet new guy friends.
	Wait a minute.
	Did we already talk about this?
	Yeah, we did.
	This is the guy at Home Depot.
	All right, so we're starting with a new one now.
	Oh, wait a minute.
	That's ancient Chinese secret.
	Ancient Chinese secret Ancient Chinese secret Um Um Okay, why don't you read one while I try to make sure I'm caught up here?
	Okay.
	Because I seem to be way the fuck behind.
	Well, that one's a bit long.
	Let's try some more.
	Okay, fine.
	I'll just start the newest one.
	I'll work it out later.
	Gavin, not sure which podcast I was listening to, but you mentioned that you and Tucker had some discussion regarding contraceptives.
	Yes, this is before Tucker and I made love.
	He said, should we wear a condom?
	And I go, you can't get me pregnant.
	I'm a dude.
	And he goes, no, I'm worried about you having herpes.
	And I said, okay, so it's not for contraception.
	And he goes, no, damn, he slapped me.
	And I giggled.
	He said, you need to check out this disc from Lighthouse Media.
	It'd be worth your time to listen.
	Among other things, the narrator discusses how in studies of chimpanzees, they took all the females of the group and put them on contraceptives.
	And in short order, the males began to exhibit homosexual behavior.
	Tons of interesting stuff there.
	And then he sends me to a link for a thing called contraception, cracking the myths.
	Yeah, I think there is something weird going on, folks.
	We are not just changing how many babies are born, we're altering an entire generation's testosterone and estrogen.
	It's unnatural what we're doing.
	We're really getting away from nature here, and that's not God's plan.
	Capitalism, the free market, all of it's designed with these checks and balances.
	And to deny a woman her normal cycles is to fuck up her mind.
	I even noticed, I was reading the other day about the traffic in New York.
	And apparently there's some dumb law from the 20s.
	It's 100 years old.
	And it says that if there's ever an emergency, we have to make sure we only use American boats, American-made boats.
	So say, you know, we're using a bunch of Japanese boats, and then we declare war on Japan.
	All of a sudden, these Japanese boats just turn and start, I don't know, crushing all our ports or something.
	So we can't leave ourselves vulnerable like that.
	Stupid idea.
	We use foreign boats all the time.
	But what it's done is it's made shipping by boat incredibly expensive because you can only use American boats.
	And so people would go, well, I'll just use an 18-meeler then.
	And that's why our roads suck.
	That's why it's so congested in the city because there's all these trucks there that could have been sent by boat.
	Once again, the government getting involved in capitalism.
	We're not supposed to meddle with this stuff.
	I'll send you this one so you can play it on the show, Ryan.
	Apparently, there's a really cool Australian movie.
	We have a lot of Australian listeners.
	So this is a clip from a great...
	G'day, mate.
	Where are you doing?
	Hey, going for a walkabout.
	Hi, this is a clip from a great Aussie film called Wake in Fright.
	It sums up Australian drinking culture perfectly.
	Worth a watch if you're coming out here.
	It came out in 1971 and has since gained a cult following similar to With Now and I. Would you believe they did a television remake last year?
	I can hear Australian ears bleeding as I do this.
	Would you believe they did a television remake last year where they introduced a badass female bounty hunter character that had nothing to do with the original book?
	It completely ruined the premise of the novel and was a great example that writers now care more about being current year than telling the actual story.
	That's interesting.
	Did you get it?
	My email?
	Hello?
	Not yet.
	Let me see here.
	What is get?
	I have not gotten it yet.
	Go for your whole inbox.
	You just sent it, haven't you?
	It's taken me a second, because it happens before.
	I know, that's annoying, isn't it?
	Yeah, because it's right here.
	Your computer's there, mine's over here.
	JournalismWatchdog.com.
	I know you hate the term fan, blah, blah, blah.
	I'm glad you're fighting the SPLC.
	By the way, SPLC, if you're listening, thank you for firing Morris Deeves, the founder.
	Thank you, President Richard Cohen, for quitting.
	Thank you, what's your name, Rhonda Brownstein, the head of legal, for also quitting.
	I appreciate that, but that's not good enough.
	These are token gestures, and they're not putting out the fire.
	Nice try.
	I started a website called Journalism Watchdog where we document fake news.
	Thanks.
	That's awesome, dude.
	Although I've seen shit like this quite a bit, and people tend to lose interest.
	That's another thing with millennials.
	They'll have a big plan, and they always talk a lot about their plan and say, yeah, it's going to be like a restaurant, but also a hangout club and a speakeasy, and we're also going to have fucking social media, and we're going to have our own Facebook thing, and we're going to have a plane that's going to go to different parties around the world.
	And you go, wow, sounds wonderful.
	And then you talk to the guy two years later, and the website is like, coming soon.
	And you go, yeah, dude, don't talk about the thing.
	Millennials are so into their idea.
	I have this idea for a game show, I can't tell you.
	And you go, dude, I don't give a shit about your fucking dumb idea for a game show.
	All of these things are 98% sweat anyway.
	You think the game shows you see on TV are about the quality of the game show?
	No, it's we have a slot here.
	We'll do a game show.
	We'll get a host.
	Let's pound it out.
	Your idea sucks.
	Your idea is useless.
	You think Seinfeld was a good idea?
	All right, let's play that Australian movie.
	What's it called?
	It's called You Mad, You Bastard.
	Nope.
	That's a clip from it.
	The movie's called Wake in Fright, and our Australian listeners are highly recommending it.
	So we got a car pulling into a little pub in the middle of nowhere in Australia.
	It's a little hotel.
	Your Australian accent's worse than mine.
	No, I can do a good one.
	Come and have a drink.
	No, just listen.
	Come on, come and have a drink.
	Look, mate, I've given up drinking for a while.
	What's wrong with you, you bastard?
	Why don't you come and drink with me?
	I just brought you 50 miles late and dusting your wife drink with me.
	What's wrong with you?
	What's the matter with you, people, huh?
	You sponge on you.
	Burn your house down, murder your wife, rape your child.
	That's all right.
	Don't have a drink with you.
	Don't have a flaming bloody drink with you.
	That's a criminal offense.
	That's the end of the bloody world.
	You're mad, you barton.
	Did you catch any of that?
	Yeah.
	Someone doesn't want to have a drink with you.
	It's the end of the bloody world.
	That reminds me of that guy that was getting arrested.
	Remember him?
	And he was like, oh, what a world.
	He's like, I see your judo is strong.
	Remember that guy that got arrested?
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	Dear Dr. McKinnonstein and Igor Katsu Rivera.
	I have an anal tip.
	Oh my God.
	Opinions are like assholes.
	Everyone has one.
	And everyone has an opinion about their asshole.
	The amount of anal emails we got is unbelievable.
	Two things I regret saying on the show.
	One is that I just flew back from blank and boy are my arms tires.
	I still get a million of those.
	I get them texted to me.
	I don't know how they got my number.
	You know what we haven't got?
	And just to make sure that nobody does this because I already got the idea, a mashup where it's, I just flew in from my anal leakage is bad and boy or my put toilet paper in your ass and then walk around for five minutes and then throw it in the garbage and then you should be fine.
	It's a mashup.
	I have an anal tip, but alas, blah, blah, blah.
	It's a recommendation for the rectal relief of your listeners.
	I'm a fourth-year molecular biology student at the University of Cincinnati and I used to think to myself while walking to class, what would be the best way to increase diversity and inclusivity on our college campus?
	After two years of fruitless rumination, I discovered what I believe to be an alleviating solution.
	In my second year here, can you just get to the chase?
	After meeting with my advisor, I had an urgent and unforeseen need to relieve myself, so I hurried to the nearest defecation station.
	By a stroke of luck and necessity, I happened upon the most pristine and peaceful restroom on campus.
	I quickly surmised the reason why this commode afforded such solitude.
	It was located in the Woman's Gender and Sexuality Building.
	Needless to say, after morning class and coffee, this restroom has been a pleasurable pit stop during my time here.
	Thank you for the tip, Ian.
	Shit in the gender-free zone.
	I always shit on gender-free stuff, so I might as well make it real.
	Amber Watwood, dear Gavin, I get it now.
	I understand how good a fucking beer is after working for hours in the hot sun.
	My husband and I have been doing some exterior home improvements of late, and I assigned the landscaping duties to myself.
	I toiled in the Alabama sun all day today and had myself a thirst at day's end.
	I keep Bud Light in the fridge for the hubs, and today I decided I'd help myself to a cold one.
	Dear God, how glorious it was.
	I sat on my porch steps, covered head to toe in dirt, admiring my day's work.
	I sip my beer as the sun was setting, and dear God, I felt like I was in church.
	I love your show so much and look forward to what you have.
	I like you more than a friend.
	Amber from Alabama.
	That's great, and I'm glad you appreciate that, and it's true.
	Having a beer at noon feels weird and gross.
	Having a beer after you build a fence is like drinking Brad Pits cum.
	But just to be a real sexist stick in the mud, I just find it a little annoying that I'm getting this email from a woman.
	Now, Amber, I love you very much, and I hope both our spouses die so we can make sweet love together.
	But, and it's great that you figured out that bud is delicious after a hard day's work, but doesn't it bother you that these emails are coming from women?
	A little bit.
	It's like women are the only ones who are appreciating busting their ass and having a beer.
	It's sort of like that story where I almost got in a fight with these guys at the hotel at the airport.
	Sorry.
	I've told the story 9 million times, so I'll abbreviate it.
	But as you know, my recipe to always get first-class seats on a plane is to have five makers marks so your coach seats feel first-class.
	And you fall asleep instantly when you get on and you wake up and you're basically there.
	Even if you're going to LA because you get a late flight.
	But I can't pile these makers into my body because some fuckface in front of us is having a strawberry margarita.
	No, a raspberry margarita, sorry.
	Now, I know you've heard this story before, but it's the greatest hit.
	You're listening to the stones do satisfaction.
	So me and my buddy Sebastian keep going, hey, can we just get a, can we just get a, hey, hey, can we just get a maker's mark?
	And he's got the fucking, the blender blending up the frozen raspberries, and then he's got the ch- thing with the tequila and whatever else they put in it.
	A bunch of bullshit.
	Some, what do you call that stuff that they put in drinks?
	What?
	Garnish?
	No, no, there's that one thing that's always in drinks, that's in weird drinks.
	I can't think of it.
	Are you not a bartender?
	Are you bartended?
	That's kind of vague, though.
	Liqueur?
	No.
	Bitters?
	You're getting there.
	Simple sugars.
	Simple syrup.
	No, it's a thing.
	It's like, and a shot of strychnine, but it's not that.
	Or triple sec.
	Maybe it's triple sec.
	Something like that.
	Yeah, maybe it's triple sec.
	Any hissle.
	So we can see our flight's boarding, and I'm not going to get a buzz, which makes the trip three times as long.
	And I see those guys, and they had to make two of them, and a water, by the way.
	Fucking water.
	And these things are huge.
	They're the size of a forearm.
	And so I see these two Raspberry Margaritas sit down with two guys who aren't even gay, which made it so much worse.
	If it was screaming homos In little tank tops, I'd go, oh, well, that was unfortunate for me.
	I got here right when the gays were ordering.
	But men, and then, no offense, Amber, I look next to them and I see this woman having a Stella, just a Stella, just a beer, no raspberries in it.
	And I want to confront them, but I don't want to be kicked out of the airport and miss my flight.
	So I had a tartan coat on at the time.
	And the beauty of that is, I highly recommend this, you can pretend to be a dumb tourist.
	Like I do this with cab drivers when they're chatting on their phone.
	I'll say, pardon me?
	Oh, no, sorry.
	I'm speaking to my friend.
	Oh, okay.
	I just got confused.
	I'm sorry, what?
	No, again, sir, I am speaking to my friend on the phone.
	Usually it's a Pakistani.
	They're all from Lahore here in New York, and Pakistan's Muslim, obviously.
	And so I like to say, oh, I'm sorry, confused.
	Just where I'm from, I'm from Canada, and usually it's homosexuals and young girls who talk on the phone that much.
	And he goes, what did you say?
	Are you a homosexual?
	No, I am.
	And then they get really pissed off, obviously.
	You, fuck you.
	You're a donkey.
	Your uncle is a donkey.
	How about fuck you?
	How about your whole family's a goat?
	What the fuck?
	And your mother is an aunt.
	Look, I'm not saying it's a good insult, but for some reason, when you're arguing with someone in a shithole country, you call their immediate family members various animals and they lose their shit.
	Saying fuck you is nothing to them.
	But your father's a goat?
	Oh my God.
	We got a breaking up with a guy story, but that's...
	Oh.
	So I pretend to be Scottish because I have my tartan coat and I go, excuse me, excuse me.
	Can I ask you something?
	Yeah, certainly.
	Now, what's going on there?
	Why don't you go there in a big smoothie?
	They go, oh, they're raspberry margaritas.
	And I go, oh, and that's normal.
	I mean, that seems very elaborate.
	You go, and you got yourself a water, too.
	And they go, yeah, I know, eh?
	Not normal.
	And I go, it just seems unusual that a man would have a raspberry margarita.
	And then you got a woman here having a stela alone.
	And they go, yeah, well, we're unusual guys.
	Kind of a tradition, actually.
	We sort of, every time we come here, we always have our raspberry margaritas.
	And they were being too friendly, so they weren't getting my passive-aggressive thing.
	And then I just said, take it a fucking spray tan too!
	You get a fucking spray tan too, and then stormed off.
	Not sure how effective it was in retrospect, but at least I felt good that I had not let those raspberry margaritas fly.
	Anyway, thank you, Amber, but um it hurts that uh that all these women are discovering how good it is to have a bud after a hard day's work.
	Sam Elliott is now Samantha Elliott.
	I just did long work all day, and I sat down, put my boots up, and I had me a bud light.
	Then I sucked my husband's dick like a man.
	What's your breakup story?
	It's pretty long, but pretty much skipped to, he thought this guy was cool, yada, yada, yada, but he got some red flags.
	He was at a house party, and the guy was blackout drunk, and he told his girlfriend to take over playing.
	I know this story.
	I read that letter.
	It's a good letter.
	It is.
	It's very, very well written.
	Where was he working again?
	He's playing soccer.
	That was it.
	He was a soccer guy abroad.
	So he's in a new city.
	And where was he again?
	Canada went to U.S. for soccer.
	I don't know.
	Let me see.
	So, he's hanging out with these guys, and he's with the talkie guy who's kind of older than him.
	And he hangs out with him for a little bit.
	And then he realizes this guy's a dud.
	And then he starts meeting new guys who are super fun to hang out with.
	This is my favorite topic, I think.
	Definitely as of late.
	My new favorite topic is dumping men.
	And courting men is funny too.
	And then dumping men or being dumped by a man is also fucking funny.
	Unless it's because of Trump or something.
	That's just sad.
	But I mean, like the moving to a new city.
	Because the first two, it takes a year to find your sort of scene when you move to a new city.
	And then you got to sort of make new friends.
	Then you got to, you realize the ones you made at the beginning, you don't like as much as these new ones.
	Anyway, he did that.
	And he thinks the guy might have been a closeted homosexual.
	Lots of gay stuff in this episode.
	He showered with his shorts on.
	Oh, yeah.
	He showered with his shorts on.
	To which he says, no one's staring at your dick, fag.
	He said, this was the last straw and the breakup was inevitable.
	I find it kind of insulting, too.
	You know when those guys who go piss in the stalls?
	Yeah.
	What are you saying?
	I was going to look at your dick?
	Oh, I see.
	And here's another thing.
	Unless he's going to wipe his asshole or something.
	Yeah, that's never the case, though.
	But not often the case.
	So what if a fag looks at your dick?
	Fat people look at me when I eat a cheeseburger.
	I'm not scared they're going to grab it and stick it in their mouth.
	Yeah, what are they going to do?
	Let a homo glance at your knob.
	Who cares?
	That's the worst kid.
	No, fucked up, man.
	I'm not going to.
	Shut up, you pussy.
	God, if I see any of my boys piss in stalls, they're in big trouble.
	But anyways, I try to get people to look at mine.
	I've taught my dick how to cough, like, as if to ask for attention.
	My dick just goes, I taught my dick to sing the national anthem.
	It's not good, though.
	It's like...
	It's sort of like Jeff Goldblum in the fly.
	Yeah.
	Right towards the end when he was becoming a full-on fly.
	That's kind of what my dick is like when it tries to speak English.
	Its ear falls off and he says, oh, that's gross.
	I'm sorry.
	My dick's ears.
	That would be a funny prank.
	You glue really realistic looking tiny prosthetic ears on your dick and you take a girl home and you go, before we go any farther, there's something you should know.
	She's like, what?
	What's the matter?
	Do you have STDs?
	No.
	This is going to sound crazy, but my dick has ears.
	What?
	You're kidding.
	And then you pull out your dick and it has little ears on either side.
	And just like crudely scotch taped onto it?
	No, that ruins the joke, dude.
	And that's like believable.
	That's really great.
	Your goal with the prank is for her to ask, can they hear?
	Yeah, that is funny.
	That is good.
	Yeah, but his left ear is going.
	And over the course of the night, you're going to be pissing, and one of them's going to fall off.
	Yeah.
	And then you're just going to say, you know what?
	Fuck this joke.
	It didn't work out.
	And then she's going to touch your dick and she's going to feel remnants of crazy glue.
	And she's going to go, ew, this guy has venereal wart scabs.
	Or she's going to, or are you going to give her crazy glue vagina, which will, it's not good.
	That's going in her.
	No, that stuff dries.
	It might scratch her labia, though.
	Ah.
	But, and then you're going to say, no, no, no, that's not, those are not venereal wart scabs.
	You see, I had planned to do a joke where I had ears glued to my penis, and I was going to try to convince you that my penis could hear.
	But then over the course of the night, I thought, forget it.
	And I took the ears off.
	Actually, you know, you could prove you were right because you probably still have the ears.
	That's what I was thinking.
	She probably costs you like 40 bucks.
	She's looking at you revolted.
	And then you're like, oh, no, no, you probably don't believe me.
	Here, they're right in my pocket.
	Where are they?
	I think I heard about this.
	Maybe it's in this pocket and you can't find them now.
	I knew about this dude who, I think it was a friend of my brother's, who thought it'd be funny to surprise his girlfriend dressed in drag.
	So he thought he'd have like full fishnets on and go, hello, honey.
	I'm glad you're home.
	But she decided to come home an hour early that day.
	Uh-oh.
	So she comes into the house.
	He doesn't hear her come through the front door.
	And as she walks in, he only has the fishnets on and is applying the lipstick.
	Oh, no.
	And he goes, no, no, no, no.
	Wait, this was a joke.
	I was getting set up for a whole thing I was doing.
	And she goes, it's okay.
	Oh, my God.
	Oh, no.
	And they broke up.
	We couldn't convince her that he was.
	I got to get more details on that story.
	That's a dumpy.
	If you're going to do something that's like a prank that might go wrong, record yourself and the clock beforehand and be like, this is what I'm planning to do.
	If this does not work, this was a joke.
	Yeah.
	With today's paper.
	And you could also take a classified ad in the New York Post that's very cryptic and just says, planning drag prank Friday.
	This is Daryl.
	Call your friend, call Paul Bazille and be like, dude, I'm planning on doing this thing.
	It's going to be funny, right?
	Yeah, that sounds hilarious.
	And then you could be like, dude, watch this.
	I'm not telling him that you're next to me.
	You call him up.
	Why did you jump to Paul Bazille?
	Is he your best friend?
	No, he's just, he's there for me if I want to just run some stupid.
	Like, I called him to say this the other day.
	I thought of the worst joke ever, and I was going to tell you.
	And thank God for him, because now you won't have to hear it unless you want to.
	He says, as he's about to say it.
	No, I'm not going to tell you.
	It's so waste of your time.
	No, you got to do it now.
	What are you kidding me?
	Here it is.
	All right.
	So my Korean boss at the restaurant pronounces his F's as Ps.
	So he says pwn call and things like that.
	So when he's talking about the Italian mafia, he says the mappia.
	And I was like, you know, he's not wrong because when they're done with you, they mopp you up.
	Whoa.
	Whoa.
	That's like seeing a friend from high school at a high school reunion and he's had a serious burn.
	Oh, like a neutral chair.
	Whoa, Andy.
	And he's like, yeah.
	And he has those weird little stubs that burn victims have where they have two fingers and one sort of thumb.
	And he's like, yeah.
	I mean, I don't know why I come to these things because I always have to explain to everyone what happened.
	I was wearing a polyester shirt at turtleneck and I caught fire and I tried to tick it off, but it stuck on my face.
	Does that happen to you or something?
	It's so thorough.
	I know a tattoo artist.
	His name's like Mud or something.
	And that happened to him.
	Wow.
	I got a short one if you're.
	Well, it's my turn.
	Oh.
	This is from someone who calls himself Dave.
	I get paid to do nothing at work.
	It might sound like a blessing, but it's a curse.
	In a whole eight-hour day, the actual tasks I have to complete take approximately 20 minutes.
	The rest of the time is just looking busy.
	The funny thing is I make decent money, but it's driving me insane.
	It makes me lethargic.
	Which is what, what's her name?
	Sophie Glass said Gary Coleman was when he fell down the stairs.
	Remember that?
	Can you go help him?
	No, he's lethargic.
	He's dying because you killed him, you fucking bitch.
	The rest of the time is just looking busy, blah, blah, blah.
	But it's driving me insane.
	Oh, yeah, you already said that.
	You're an entrepreneur kind of fellow.
	What can I do to improve my situation?
	Everyone else at work is an unmitie motivated slob, and I'm worried I'm going to be dragged down the sludge with them.
	Please don't let Ryan chime in.
	Regards, David.
	Ryan, what do you think?
	Wow.
	Way to go, Dave.
	You just lost some Puerto Rican advice.
	Ain't nobody got time for that.
	I would say if I was me, I'd write a book.
	I'm working on a book right now, but I enjoy writing, and I see it as a labor of love where it's like building an old timey boat.
	Like on a Sunday, it's fun to just sort of chip away at the problem and make sure you don't forget any details.
	So that's what I enjoy.
	So I would do that.
	I might even do a graphic novel.
	But I don't know if that's what you like, but it would be awesome to get paid to fuck the dog.
	You just sit there, you want to get in good shape.
	So you should go to the gym.
	Make the gym like a two-hour part of your day.
	It's two hours of my day.
	And then do that.
	But this goes back to what we were saying about the government getting involved in that ship, shipping bullshit.
	It's not natural.
	When Vice first moved to New York, we had this eccentric billionaire investor, and we were making 80 grand a year, which back then was, we were making previously like 30.
	So it was insane, the money boost.
	Money was just everywhere.
	And he didn't hesitate to buy.
	This is back when digital cameras just came out.
	No one really had one.
	I'm talking 99.
	And we said, it would be cool to get a digital camera and not have to constantly be printing all our pictures.
	And he goes, No problem.
	He buys one.
	It's $1,500.
	And that was nothing.
	He built a studio where we can do 360-degree pictures so we can sell stuff online.
	That was like 400 grand in total.
	We never sold one thing online.
	That never went anywhere because he obviously lost all his money.
	But I didn't enjoy it.
	It wasn't fun hemorrhaging cash.
	And then we went broke.
	Actually, worse than broke.
	We went about a million dollars into debt and we had to rebuild the company from scratch.
	I preferred that, to be quite frank.
	What are you doing?
	Looking up the New York City song because somebody referenced that in their mailbag.
	I know Daniel didn't mean any harm by this.
	It was just surprising as he's describing how great my city is.
	Start at 1.30 on his song New York City.
	So we're familiar with his song.
	Just to keep everyone up to date, our new favorite recording artist is named Daniel Wakeford.
	He does solo stuff.
	He also does stuff with the Daniel Wakeford experience.
	He is a severely autistic gentleman from, I believe, Essex in England.
	And his songs fucking rock.
	A lot of them suck.
	But there's a good five slam dunks.
	Let's just say there's an extra member of his orchestra.
	If his orchestra is chromosomes.
	No, he does not have Down syndrome.
	Oh.
	Statue of Liberty was over there.
	So beautiful the big statue.
	The twin towers was totally gone.
	But this is about a long time ago.
	What the?
	What the fuck?
	Did I hear that again?
	Yeah.
	That's awesome.
	I didn't know.
	What a take.
	The Twin Towers was totally gone.
	But this is about a long time ago.
	America was a great holiday.
	name.
	Let's go.
	That's right in the middle of everything's wonderful and awesome.
	Barth of Bright.
	I think he's married now.
	I think he proposed to this girl and he was talking about how she fancies him.
	He said he makes music and she thought, fuck it.
	I'm in.
	I like this guy.
	She's special too.
	And she goes, I fancy you, Daniel.
	I really, really fancy you.
	And guess what he said to that?
	What?
	Guess what his response was?
	He said, I always loved having a fancy you either as well.
	Oh, you wrote it down?
	Yeah, I wrote it down.
	I texted it to my wife.
	Yeah.
	And she just texts back, you love that chap.
	That poor fuck.
	My wife often, when I say things to her, her response sounds like we're on an awkward first date.
	She's like, no, really?
	Even though I've known her since 2001.
	Like, I send her that, and she goes, you love that chap.
	Huh.
	That sounds like you're a child telling their mother about something.
	And she's like, oh, you must be proud of that.
	That's cool.
	Why doesn't she have, look, I'm looking at her text now.
	She doesn't send me any fun stuff.
	I'm sending her funny pictures and stuff.
	And she's like, nuggets in toaster oven.
	Help.
	Answer.
	Are you home?
	I'm freaking out.
	It will burn.
	That's not a fun text to send.
	I got this clip, though.
	Oh, you have them?
	Okay.
	There it is.
	You found it.
	Yeah.
	Oh, yes.
	Fancy you very much.
	I always loved having a fancy you ether as well.
	I think this hit my head.
	So many unnecessary words.
	I just went my head back and smashed it on that shelf.
	Ah.
	Thanks a lot, Daniel.
	Yeah.
	All right.
	How are we doing for time here?
	We're at an hour nine.
	Okay.
	This is a really weird dude who calls himself Roy Barzile.
	And he goes, here, there's a new book I want you to check out.
	No testosterone, no sex, no children, and no future for civilization.
	The thing about these loonies is they often have a lot of crazy shit.
	And then within the crazy shit, you'll go, that's fascinating and true.
	He wrote a book called The Testosterone Hypothesis, How Hormones Regulate the Life Cycles of Civilization.
	Sounds kooky, but I don't think it is.
	The author synthesizes the latest research in evolutionary biology, blah, blah, blah, and shows the most significant factor affecting these testosterone levels is in fact the sun.
	Oh, this is where it gets weird.
	"Eras of decline testosterone levels affect everything "from birth rates, blah, blah, blah.
	"Global warming and cooling trends align with all kinds of..." Fuck this shit.
	Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
	It's birth control.
	That's what's fucking with testosterone and estrogen levels.
	I do not believe it's the planets and how they're circling and changing global climate.
	Sorry, Looney Tunes.
	All right, so, oh yeah, we didn't finish that soccer guy.
	Oh, sorry.
	So he started hanging out with his new gang.
	And he's like, how am I going to get rid of this old guy?
	Old meaning, he was a little bit older than, but old, meaning the first guy I hooked up with, the chatty guy that I met when I first moved here.
	Now I got my crew and I got to cut this dude loose.
	So he said, when I asked my better friends about him, all they told me was that he was the only guy to shower.
	Oh, yeah, with the shorts on.
	And he goes, once I heard the shorts thing, I was like, this, we got to fucking, I got to break up with this guy.
	So I was at a house party.
	As a kid, my friends and I would steal our parents' wine, get drunk, and play darts in the backyard shed.
	What's the matter with jungle juice?
	Who steals wine?
	Wait a minute.
	You'd have to be rich for your parents not to notice a bottle of wine gone.
	You'd have to have a wine cellar.
	My parents would always have maybe one or two bottles of wine.
	So if I take one, that's 50% of their wine gone.
	We had to do jungle juice.
	You have a jar and you take some gin, some vodka, some whiskey.
	You know, people can hear you suck that stupid pipe, right?
	Not at all.
	Did you do that?
	The jungle juice?
	Yeah, the jungle juice.
	Did you do the jungle juice?
	No, actually, we would take sips of the schnapps.
	We would just take sips of each.
	Like, we'd run up, take a sip, and run back down.
	So you'd party at your parents' house?
	No, this was at my friend Larry's house.
	We'd go upstairs, hit the schnapps real quick, just take a sip, and then just we'd do it from different bottles.
	So we'd take, we'd jungle juice in our stomach.
	We'd mix it in our stomachs.
	I see.
	That's more logical.
	That's less disgusting.
	I knew these guys, the McCarthys, and they were liver puddlians.
	All my friends were British when I was a kid, because that's the way, long story, but that's the way Ottawa worked at the time.
	And they would dilute it.
	So they'd take some whiskey and then they put water in to get it back up.
	Their dad sussed it out and actually had an alcohol meter where he would test the level of alcohol in his particular drinks to see if they had been robbed.
	He used to just have a Sharpie line on the label where he could see if you took it.
	They figured that out and then he figured out their figure out.
	He hacked their hack.
	Anyway, safe to say I got pretty good.
	This is a weird sentence, too.
	As a kid, my friends and I would see all our parents wanting to get drunk and play darts in the backyard shed.
	Safe to say I got pretty good.
	Why is it safe to say?
	Because you had supervision?
	Why are you telling me that it's a given that you're good at darts?
	So to speak.
	You should have said, I was pretty good for whatever reason.
	Anyway, the guy, this is the guy he wants to dump.
	The guy was blackout drunk and told his girlfriend to take over for him in playing darts against me.
	Kind of gay, question mark?
	Yeah, that's super gay.
	Hey, sweetie, can you finish?
	You're basically asking your girl to fuck a guy.
	If you ask your girl to finish a game of darts with a dude, that's not right.
	Unless you are not threatened by him and you trust her.
	Oh, so you've done this.
	Is that what you're trying to say?
	Wait, what?
	You sound like a cuck.
	No, if you trust her and then I don't know you don't want your what you don't But me and your lady sang a karaoke song together, and it felt weird.
	I was like, maybe I shouldn't be singing a song with his wife.
	That's not even close to similar.
	Well, one's competitive and one's like a team.
	Karaoke's a team sport, especially if there's...
	I don't know what that is, but yeah, I would never sing it.
	Kenny Rogers.
	And Dolly Parton.
	Islands in the Stream.
	And it's a romance song where they go back and forth.
	Sharing a mic.
	Yeah, that might be a good thing.
	Johnny Cash and whoever.
	What song were you doing?
	Now I'm getting kind of worried.
	I think it was like, I don't know.
	Yeah, Meatloaf?
	I'll think of it.
	Maybe.
	I'll think of it.
	It was.
	What's the meatloaf duet?
	I think we just did two different verses.
	Okay.
	Because she couldn't finish it because it's like, I do like a higher voice.
	Maybe she couldn't do the chorus.
	You think you have a wider range than my wife?
	Yes, of course.
	I mean, you know, come on.
	I don't believe you.
	Let's hear you go.
	Ricky was a young boy.
	He had a heart of stone.
	Work for the five and ride.
	Fast as a bone.
	So.
	That was the worst song.
	New York City.
	So, kind of gay, she then asks, I thought this was strip darts.
	Normally, if I was approached by a friend's girl, I would just run and curse like you and Ryan would.
	However, I knew I needed to break up with the guy and decided to take my chance.
	A few bullseyes and this chick had her tits out.
	She was a solid 6.6.
	That is my cup of tea right there, boy.
	What would you, I would rather see a naked 6.6 than a naked 8.6.
	In that context, at a party, hanging around.
	You probably don't understand that because you're too young.
	Perky.
	Anyways, he cried.
	Yes, cried.
	Grabbed her and left the party.
	He then left the gayest message on my phone and unfollowed me on social media.
	He also moved his locker away from mine to the opposite side of the locker room.
	I've never had cleaner breakup.
	No, I've had cleaner breakups with women.
	I almost felt guilty.
	Should I have felt bad?
	You know what that's sort of like?
	Cutting.
	Women who cut themselves, that's really irritating.
	And I want to hurt them and punish them for being so self-obsessed.
	And then you realize, wait, you're cutting yourself.
	That's perfect.
	Good.
	So that worked out fine.
	Similarly, this solved itself.
	It's almost like when you're pissed at like a handicapped person, you're like, nah, you're already cursed.
	I win this one.
	P.S. I highly recommend any virgins listening to this podcast.
	And by virgins, we mean guys who haven't been laid in over four months.
	Listening to the podcast and struggling to get laid, to just go to a party, any party, any size.
	Maybe it'll ramp up the libido a bit.
	Also, a party skill is great if you want to see some tits.
	Darts or beer pong work, but shotgunning with your teeth is more attainable.
	I've seen fat guys who are threes get with sevens because of this.
	Don't knock it until you try it.
	That's another thing they're doing to ruin sex, by the way, is all this like, if she's drunk, it's rape.
	I wouldn't be born if drunk sex was rape.
	I'm not sure I'd have any kids.
	You're partying.
	You're horny.
	You're obviously in a good mood.
	And you probably don't have anything to do tomorrow if you let yourself get wasted.
	And you know how many drunk women have had sex with not-so-drunk men?
	Is that rape?
	Those are the rules you just set out.
	Here's another tip.
	If you're in a slump, gentlemen, say yes to everything.
	Hey, man, we're going to go camping in the snow.
	I'll be there.
	Yep, let's do it.
	Hey, man, Mark's in town.
	Well, he's not in town.
	He's in Jersey.
	But they're going to this opera thing where you get to kick squirrels in the head.
	I'll be there.
	Yep.
	What kind of shoes do you wear?
	You wear ski boots.
	Okay, I'll get some ski boots.
	I'll be right there.
	Just say yes to everything.
	Like Paul Rubens did.
	That's Pee Wee Herman when he started saying yes to every invite.
	Yeah, that's, you know, it's life.
	All right, I think we're running out of time here.
	I got a bunch more.
	I got just a very few.
	But I picked short ones.
	So if they sucked, it's like whatever.
	Okay, this one is from Joe.
	He says, podcast sound effects while driving.
	Dude, I was driving home from work and nearly shit my pantaloons when I heard that loud car crash sound effect in the J-Lo is Getting sued podcast.
	Please be more sensitive to us vehicular listeners.
	That's a boring email you shouldn't have read.
	I know, but I understand that sometimes I was thinking that the other day.
	I heard a siren when I was driving, and it was on a podcast, and I got mad.
	And then I thought, I'm not going to mention that.
	That's not an interesting thing.
	Oh, fuck.
	But you did.
	Well, I did now because it's a good example of uninteresting stuff.
	Here's an actual good one.
	Someone says, Ryan's face looks like a beautiful painting.
	What?
	And then the content says, of Gavin's butthole.
	Oh, that's a funny switch.
	That's from a girl.
	So that's a girl.
	Why do we have so many girls writing us?
	I don't know.
	Stop it, ladies.
	This is from Ashley.
	Hey, people know who Pat Dixon is is the subject.
	And then that's all plus asshole I've got.
	All right, stop reading letters.
	Dude, you got to screen them.
	I read that one.
	I know.
	You have to screen these emails.
	I don't read the stinkers.
	Oh, wait, this one's actually good.
	This is about Beto Rourke saying something gay.
	He said, a girl holding a poster says, I want to ask Beto to prom.
	And he responded in his speech, as someone who did not go to prom because no one asked me, I'm really touched.
	One, it's pathetic to admit that.
	Two, guys are supposed to ask girls to prom.
	Yeah, that's true.
	Can't we all work this out, though?
	There's a normal distribution of males and females at a high school prom.
	If you're fat and ugly, ask a fat and ugly girl.
	You can't all have the pretty girl, guys.
	It's the free market.
	There should be one person at prom who didn't get asked.
	I mean, I've had ugly phases.
	When I lived in Taiwan.
	You want to hear it?
	What?
	The one person that didn't get asked, it's because it was a black person that got axed.
	Oh, so you were laughing there, not because of what I said, but because you just cracked yourself up with that axed joke.
	Yes.
	Wow.
	Ryan cracks himself up.
	Rivera.
	He's a sort of bloke who only laughs at his own jokes.
	They said the war takes away.
	It wasn't the war.
	He left her anyway.
	Levi Stubbs tears, Billy Bragg.
	Yeah, I've had times when I was considered repulsive to the ladyship, like in Taiwan.
	I had my beard, and they don't do facial hair in Asia.
	So I was not appealing to any Asian ladies or rice balls, as I once said jokingly.
	And that's now part of this SPLC lawsuit, by the way.
	It's so weird with this SPLC lawsuit, seeing your jokes in legal documents.
	And heretofore, in position 13, and this was a precedent sent by People versus Alzheimer, Mr. McInnis referred to Asian people as rice balls on numerous occasions and also slopes.
	And you're reading it going, yeah, I was really serious when I did that.
	It's not conceivable to you that this is a joke taken out of context?
	That someone was seriously, goddamn, fucking rice balls, come in here.
	No one talks like that, dumbasses.
	We're 91% funded on defendgavin.com, by the way.
	And the, well, I can't tell you, there's some fun secrets coming up.
	Other people are getting involved and it's growing.
	It's turning into a real thing.
	So please go to defendgavin.com and contribute.
	And I think we should wrap it up, Brian.
	Okay.
	You want to play some of Levi Stubbs Tears?
	Yes.
	I'll see us out with that.
	music Levi Stubbs tears wound down his face.
	Oh my gosh, you might fire me as long.
	Hold on, hold on.
	I'm a blowout to all be to my kippo la kindly.

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