Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool

April 5, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes

01:32:32

#128 | JLo is getting sued for her stripper movie

Before tearing into the male bag, we discuss how gay I am for men (outside of the sexual connotations, obviously). Men are portrayed as sexist dirtbags who see women as human garbage but then you meet us and we’re basically sweeties. This leads to a discussion on boxing, the Proud Boys, hate crimes, gay bashing, apprenticeships, and of course making new guy friends.

Large

Audio Only |

Scroll

Time	Text
	JLo's getting sued for her stripper movie.
	Well, let me rephrase that.
	Samantha Barbash is threatening to sue JLo and the production company for this movie about her life.
	Barbash?
	Barbash?
	Her name is Barbash?
	Was a stripper who seduced men, her and her team would seduce men and then put special K or something or MDMA in their drinks, get them wasted, get them to sign away their credit cards and also take raunchy pictures where they put their tits on their head.
	So they get these guys blackout stupid drunk and then empty their credit cards.
	And one of them even went so far as to buy a Cadillac, which I don't quite understand.
	How did you buy a Cadillac?
	I bought a car for my dad when I sold Vice UK many years ago.
	It was a huge ordeal.
	It took a really long time.
	I had to talk to the bank.
	They had to transfer the money.
	It's not a matter of a swipe.
	So that's suspicious, but anyway.
	She was a cunt.
	Really weird looking chick with fake lips and fake everything and she would, you know, go to bachelor parties and stuff and rob people.
	And J-Lo, J-Lo, I don't know why J-Lo is doing this.
	I guess she wants to be more like Jenny from the block and broncs up her, her, uh, her rep.
	Uh, I don't care why, to be honest.
	But the reason I bring up this article is because of none of the above.
	I was reading one in the post this morning and they talk about why they did it, these strippers, why they took advantage of these men.
	And they say in the article, and this is the theme for today's podcast, they say that these guys were disgusting pigs and we wanted to punish them.
	Oh, by the way, a little side note here.
	You can't, you don't own your life story.
	Like I know Sylvester Stallone paid money to the dude that Rocky was based on.
	There's a movie about it called Chuck, where they did the movie about the actual guy.
	But um, as long as you change major details, it's just an homage.
	I don't think Sylvester Stallone had to pay any money to Chuck.
	And this woman, sorry, you inspired a story.
	I saw a shitty movie the other night called 12 Rounds Gun, and it was based on this guy, Billy Collins Jr., I think his name was.
	And that was the guy, I'm Googling it as I talk, who, he fought this Hispanic dude who removed a padding in his gloves and soaked his hands in his wraps in Plaster of Paris.
	So he was punching with rocks and he basically blinded the guy.
	He made it so hard for the guy to see that, uh, he could never fight again and he ends up killing himself in a car accident.
	So 12 rounds gun takes the guts of that story and makes a similar thing and whatever.
	It's, I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but if we talk ever in private, I will explain why the movie bothered me.
	Um, Louis Resto was his name, who put the plaster on his hands.
	Apparently, my coach was telling me that you can just sprinkle Plaster of Paris on the wraps, and then as your hands sweat and everything, that becomes the moisture you need to make Plaster of Paris.
	And so from the back room to the actual ring, and post-inspection, your wraps go from feeling soft to being rocks.
	Anywho!
	They don't owe any money to Billy Collins for that movie and J.Lo doesn't owe any money to Barbash.
	But this is why I brought this up.
	So they would get them wasted.
	Sorry, I'm reading as I talk this.
	I think that's why we got greedy, she admitted.
	And this is one of the girls that was part of this woman's entourage.
	Because of the amount of stress we had to endure, we're just like, you know what?
	These people are fucking pissing me off.
	Just for that, I'm going to max out his credit card, like a penalty.
	You're going to be left with a zero balance, zero credit line, just for being annoying.
	There's something extra satisfying about persuading a man who thinks you're trash to spend his time and money on you.
	That's the kind of thing, and that's the reason I brought up this whole thing.
	That's why this podcast starts with that line.
	That's the kind of thing that sounds good in an article and it sounds believable and women go, yeah, you go girl, but it's such a fucking lie.
	So this, the real title of this podcast should be I'm gay for men.
	The more I get to know men, the more I go, Jesus Christ, we are awesome dudes, us men.
	And the reason it's surprising is because we've been taught our whole lives to hate ourselves.
	I know I'm sounding like a men's rights activist now, but even me personally, I remember when I first had kids and I'd be picking up my son from hockey or whatever, and I'd see a dad picking up his two girls from figure skating.
	And what you're taught is, well, that guy's deeply ashamed and he wished he had boys.
	And he was talking to a dad who had, like, three boys with him, all wearing hockey gear, and three big hockey gear bags.
	And you go, oh, well, clearly the figure skater dad feels like a fucking loser, and he's so jealous of the dad with the three boys who are all in hockey.
	No.
	No, dude.
	But we've all been brainwashed to sort of assume that.
	That guy adores his figure skater daughters.
	He thinks they're wonderful.
	We've been lied to.
	And I feel like at the age of 48, I'm slowly realizing that not only are we not shitbags, we're sweeties.
	Persuading a man who thinks you're trash.
	Alright, I don't go to strip clubs since my daughter was born, but I used to go a lot.
	Motley Crue amount of times.
	And it's like a pussy church.
	In fact, the only time it's not a pussy church is when women show up.
	It's interesting that men aren't allowed at, you know, male strip clubs, but women are allowed in our strip clubs.
	That says a lot right there.
	We're just like, sure, whatever goes man.
	I don't want any trouble.
	And then women are like, I don't want those guys around.
	I don't want to see me doing hot, uh, whipped cream shots off a guy's bag.
	And at strip clubs, men sit there sipping beer, looking at buttholes and tits and stuff in a very reverent way.
	They don't think the strippers are trash.
	They don't laugh and high-five and go, look at this dumb bitch that's nude up there.
	In fact...
	You know, we used to go to this really disgusting strip club in Queens, Long Island City.
	It was called Foxes.
	And there'd be pendulous breasts hanging down to the ground.
	And it was embarrassing.
	And you would sort of smile and sometimes put money in her panties just as a courtesy.
	I mean, there was one that was right by World Trade Center.
	It was right by the Tribeca Grand.
	There was right by Chamber Street, there was a strip club.
	It was called Dolls, Baby Dolls, something like that.
	And I remember there was a black woman there whose breasts were gone.
	They were just skin.
	It was two pizza slices stapled to her chest.
	And...
	I remember her sort of leaning down and the, like, take your t-shirt and fold it down.
	Just like slices of skin.
	It was like someone snuck in the middle of night and took all the meat out of her tits and just left these pizza slices.
	Like, almost like two pairs of tighty-whitey underwear were just hanging from her.
	And it was embarrassing the same way like if you worked at a modeling agency and someone showed up with a burn and said, I'd like you to look at my book, please.
	You'd go, okay.
	All right.
	Yeah.
	Um, everything looks good here.
	Male model, burn victim.
	Um, we'll call you when, uh, we have something.
	It was like that.
	There was no laughing or high fiving.
	Men are very sensitive about strippers feelings.
	They respect that a woman got out there and got nude and they don't want to rock the boat by giggling or demeaning her.
	It's the same way, it's the same with flight attendants and bartenders.
	I am so desperate for booze on a plane because it takes at least an hour before they come around with that fucking cart that I'm always like, hello.
	Yes.
	Thank you so much.
	We even, when I go on business trips with my buddy Sebastian, we used to tip the steward as we got on, the stewardess, we give them 20 bucks just to grease the wheels.
	The last thing I'd ever do is say, hey, I pushed that button like 10 minutes ago, bitch.
	No, I am so honored to be getting beer on a flying building that when they come over, I say, usually my wife's asleep.
	You know, Indians, they love to nap.
	I'll say, hi, my wife would like a double Woodford Reserve and a Heineken because they don't have Budweiser usually.
	And I, too, would like to follow her up that tree, if you will.
	And I also would like to get two Woodford Reserves and a Budweiser.
	So now we're up to six drinks for the G-Dog while my wife sleeps through the whole mess.
	Because they have their little thing where they're only supposed to give you a drink an hour or something like that, which is insane.
	Your body breaks it down in an hour.
	There's no buzz there.
	Yeah, let's smoke a joint every two days.
	Sorry, have a toke.
	Um, so yeah.
	That just pissed me off because it was a lie.
	And I've really been getting into men recently.
	I know that sounds gay.
	But outside of the sex, I am gay.
	And sometimes at the gym we'll be doing these exercises and stuff and we're all laughing at each other and there's this dude that we're throwing the medicine ball and I purposely throw it so hard at him that he goes flying backwards.
	And what does he do?
	He lasts his head off because that's funny.
	You know?
	It's all quality jokes at the gym.
	And then sometimes women show up.
	And women hitting a heavy bag is a sight to be seen.
	It is superfluous.
	It's like when you bring your four-year-old to play mini-golf, and you go, now of course there's some great female boxers, don't get me wrong.
	Way better than they could beat the shit out of me, obviously.
	But for the most part, it's like, come on ladies.
	And there's no animosity, there's no laughing, there's no, hey guys, check out this!
	Who came up with this whole thing?
	I'm pissed off about this Andrew Dice Clay archetype.
	I'm pissed off at the Fonz.
	I don't even like the Fonz.
	Homer Simpson is fucking ridiculous.
	That guy's so retarded that if Marge wasn't there, he wouldn't be able to feed himself.
	He has an IQ of maybe 65.
	But even Andrew Dice Clay, I don't like that.
	When I grew up, we had this weird version of cool That we got from the States, and it was from the 70s, but the 70s was going through a 50s revival.
	And there were these guys, mostly Jewish guys, but a lot of Italian guys, like John Travolta.
	We're doing this caricature of a Queens Italian guy.
	It seems very specific.
	We're talking about, what's the population of Queens?
	Let me look it up.
	If my engineer here wasn't such a nibbler.
	Okay, 2 million.
	Population of Queens is 2 million.
	The guys that are like, you know, adult males, 1 million, maybe 500,000.
	So the entire North America's entire definition of cool was based on 500,000 guys and it was based on the movie Lords of Flatbush really which I think Henry Winkler was in and they wore motorcycle jackets and white t-shirts which was An homage to the 50s to Marlon Brando in The Wild One and James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.
	And they were not just guys from Queens, but they were retards from Queens.
	Hey, what the fuck?
	And then you had the Fonz.
	You couldn't say, sorry, I'm really sorry.
	No, no, wrong.
	You couldn't say he was wrong.
	He told Ralph Malfe to join the army.
	And then Ralph Malfe was going to go off to, I don't know, I guess it would have been Korea.
	In that, uh, time frame?
	And then the Fonz has to say he's wrong?
	He's like, um, vrrr, vrrr, vrrr.
	He can't say he's wrong?
	Yeah, that's men.
	I feel like Jezebel and all these feminist sites are sort of locked in to that version of men.
	The leather jacket wearing.
	And everyone was when it came to cool.
	If Rice Krispies had cool Krispies, they would have a motorcycle jacket on, a white t-shirt, sunglasses, a pompadour, maybe, maybe not.
	And just be like, hey, what the fuck?
	I'm a Rice Krispie.
	I'm a cool, this is cool.
	You have a cool banana.
	To this day, it has a motorcycle jacket on.
	I guess now it'll have a skateboard or something.
	But for the most part, it's based on Queen's 1970s obsession with the 1950s.
	Weird.
	And you know what's funny about lesbians?
	They will lock into that too.
	Portlandia does a good parody of that where Carrie Brownstein has sideburns on in a pompadour.
	But lesbians will get locked into this, hey fucking, I'm a dude!
	And that's why they have such a problem with domestic abuse.
	the male in quotation marks in a lesbian relationship will have on a wife beater and uh he'll kick the shit out of his lipstick lesbian girlfriend she'll kick the shit because they're sort of locked into this 50s archetype Which I'm not even sure was true.
	I mean, I've seen, you know, on the waterfront, I could have been a contender, I've seen a lot of movies about New York in the 40s and 30s and 50s.
	Apparently, we were beating the shit out of our wives for having our dinner late.
	I'll just take your word for it.
	I haven't seen the stats.
	But I think a lot of lesbians get locked into that, like, hey, I'm a dude, what the fuck?
	Fucking... Get the fuck out of here!
	Fucking Saturday Night Fever.
	Hey, you hit the hair!
	Don't hit my hair!
	I work all day on my hair, then that hits my hair!
	Or she goes... I did a video about this too.
	The girl that John Travolta likes goes, you're just trying to stir shit up, Johnny or whatever his name is.
	He's like, it's not so hard.
	You just put a bunch of shit in a bowl and then you get like a potato masher and you mash it up.
	If your friend said that to you, you'd go, what?
	Oh, shit stirrer.
	That's how you do it.
	You go, are you having a stroke?
	Are you okay?
	What's the matter with you?
	But I think that the tides are turning.
	I saw this other article, um, that was about Proud Boys.
	Actual mall.
	I got an email from a, uh, a journalist in Chicago.
	Apparently there was a, uh, A rally recently that a guy who is in the Proud Boys was spotted at.
	They weren't wearing their shirts or anything.
	It wasn't an official doohickey.
	But the local Chicago fucking super lefty Berkeley news.
	Chicago, as far as the media goes, is Berkeley.
	Is Madison.
	Is San Francisco.
	Is L.A.
	Is New York.
	There's only about six cities that suck, but they seem to dominate the news.
	And he said, I was going to say this in a Goomba accent for some reason.
	But anyway, he goes, Hey, any comment on this rally recently against Jussie Smollett?
	There was the, I forget the name.
	It was like American Patriot Progress or American Patriot Group there.
	And I looked them up and they're super right-wing white supremacists, white nationalists, bad men.
	And he goes, so you were marching with them.
	And, uh, why Jussie Smollett?
	And, uh, what do you have to say while we're on the, on the record about the SPLC and the ADL calling you a hate group?
	And I said, all right, let's go through this nice and slow.
	Number one, it wasn't a Proud Boys event.
	They were just a guy who's in that club.
	Like the Knights of Columbus happened to be there.
	Two, you're not responsible for who is at the thing you're at.
	If you appear in a photograph with someone, and the left keeps doing this, that doesn't mean that you're him.
	Obama appeared in photographs with Farrakhan.
	No one talked about that.
	In fact, the picture is now verboten.
	It's hard to find.
	And if you want to talk about who attends rallies, how about the Women's March where you had Linda Sarsour up there who advocates Sharia law.
	It's a fucking Women's March and in Sharia law, a woman's testimony is worth half of a man's.
	So if one guy says, I didn't rape her, and she says, he raped me, we're at zero.
	If two women say, he raped her, and one guy says, no, I didn't, we're still at zero.
	She needs three chicks to say she was raped to get out of the one for one deal.
	It's also an anti-Semitic form of justice that is against Jews being involved in money.
	I mean, Sharia is archaic.
	And it's sexist.
	And by the way, it's pro-life.
	They didn't allow pro-lifers at the Women's March, which is bizarre because the Sharia woman, who was the head of the thing, I mean, I'm not sure she actually ran it, but she seemed to be the most vocal person on the podium next to Madonna saying she wants to kill the president.
	Linda Sarsour, a pro-Sharia woman.
	Pro-Sharia means you're a very orthodox, you're a very traditional Muslim.
	If you're a traditional Muslim, you're pro-life.
	But she banned pro-life women from it because they're probably too pro-Trumpy.
	So it wasn't about women at all.
	It was about Trump.
	They also had Donna Hilton at that fucking thing.
	Donna Hilton was part of a group that kidnapped a gay homeless man, kept him in a closet for many days, and then what'd they do?
	After kicking the shit out of him, they sodomized him to death with a long steel pole.
	She did 20 years in prison for that, as she should, at least.
	And then she's on a podium talking about prisoners' rights and the importance of LGBTQ, whatever, to gay people.
	Can you get a grip on that audacity?
	You're a Nazi skinhead who killed a Jewish family, you went to jail, and then you come out and you do a talk about tolerance and love.
	I mean, they're kind of doing that now with these ex-skinheads who talk about, um, about tolerance and escaping hate.
	Yeah, um, I was never a Nazi.
	You're a Nazi, dude.
	You don't really get to preach to me about tolerance.
	I didn't go out fag bashing like you did.
	And again, When I was a kid in the 80s, a punk rocker, Nazi skinheads would hunt us down.
	They weren't kind of maybe a Nazi, like they liked sports too much or listened to country music.
	They had swastika tattoos and swastikas on their bomber jackets and 14-hole Doc Martens and they would hospitalize punk rockers.
	So I've played your game before, but it was actually real.
	I'll never forget Aiden Girt, the drummer for our band.
	He was getting beaten by this guy, Joff, who eventually killed himself on the phone with his girlfriend by putting a machine gun in his mouth and then with a broken broomstick pushing down on the trigger so it blew his head off and she could hear it on the other line.
	There's an Ottawa skinhead named Joff.
	I'm sure you can look this up.
	He was being denied custody and he had a meltdown.
	He got all his guns from the States from these survivalists.
	Those were scary dudes.
	Remember he beat up Aiden Girt for about three hours.
	I wasn't there.
	And Aiden Girt just kept saying, he never gave up.
	He just kept saying, whatever Joff, you're Joff and I'm Aiden.
	Fuck you.
	Meaning you're known as one of the scariest guys in this town and I'm a skinny drummer, but I'm just going to sit here and take a beating and fuck you.
	He also got smashed in the head with a baseball bat by skinheads.
	Any hizzle.
	That's a long tangent.
	Um, But I said, I assume you gave the Women's March the same kind of scrutiny, and you were that concerned about Donna Hilton and Linda Sarsour, if you're concerned about who marched near these people at an anti-Jussie Smollett rally, and who the fuck is not against Jussie Smollett, especially in Chicago right now?
	And then his second question was the SPLC rating as a hate group, and I said, um, we are suing the SPLC for that denomination and destroying them.
	They are falling through our fingers like sand right now.
	It's getting hard to squeeze because by the time our fists clench, they're gone.
	They're just a few pieces of powder.
	We'll get to the ADL eventually, but they're kind of irrelevant.
	They don't have the same kind of dramatic influence that the SPLC has.
	I just heard, by the way, from a guy, a spy at PayPal, that the VP of, I don't know, the group that is working on their You know, crime and fraud division has made my name a keyword that comes up in searches that will have your account banished.
	Isn't that bizarre?
	I barely used PayPal, by the way.
	And what was the fourth question?
	Oh yeah, so why, and then I also said, this is a very important analogy.
	We learned this in junior high.
	And when people say that, like, oh yeah, you wrote a thing?
	Well Nazis wrote a thing.
	Say this to them.
	All dogs are mammals.
	All cats are mammals.
	All dogs are not cats.
	That's the simplest way to explain to these people.
	Another quickie is, Hitler used toilet paper.
	If you use toilet paper, you're not necessarily Hitler.
	And then the fourth one was why Jussie Smollett?
	And I said, because he represents this burning desire the modern left has to find, to prove that this country is a mega redneck shithole with Nazis lying around every corner, which is precisely why Kamala Harris, a potential president of the United States, jumped on it and said, we're better than this, America.
	Don't go around pouring bleach on our gay actors and calling them it's MAGA country.
	Bernie Sanders, I think, ran with it.
	Everyone ran with that story.
	And it was like the Covington High School kids, where the second I heard it, I went, nope.
	No young white man hears, especially a Catholic student on a fucking field trip, hears, oh, there's an Aboriginal ceremony?
	Yeah, well, fuck that.
	And starts kicking the fire they're doing smoke signals with and breaking their peace pipes and pushing over their teepee.
	That's a stupid cartoon.
	That's literally back to the future levels of silliness.
	So when we heard that, we went, bullshit, but not the rest of the country, or I should say not half.
	They all went, yep, fucking classic.
	That is so fucked up.
	I can't believe these bastards go to aboriginal.
	Yeah, they also go to black funerals.
	They go to Harlem and they go, good, I'm glad a black man's dead.
	And they push over the casket and the black man rolls out and then all the people are screaming.
	They go, shut up monkeys.
	And then they tear off in their pickup truck with Confederate flags on the back.
	Half of the shit these liberals say, if it was in a movie, I would turn it off because I'd go, this is a ridiculous movie.
	I can't watch this anymore.
	It's too far-fetched.
	Um, which brings me to a really good article I read in, also in the New York Post.
	The New York Post is my paper of record, although they've let me down a few times.
	But, um, this article was by Andy Ngo.
	It's a problem with immigrants and their weird names.
	Andy Ngo.
	Ngo.
	How do you, that's like the sound you make when someone punches you in your right shoulder blade when you're trying to sign your name to a contract.
	You're like, yep, I agree, Gavin.
	Ngo.
	Dude!
	What are you doing?
	I fucked up your signature.
	Yeah, you also made me pronounce Andy Ngo's last name perfectly for once.
	Anyway, Andy is a Gaysian who lives in Portland and he is committing the crime of trying to do half-decent journalism in that city, which must not be easy.
	And so the story was, the title is, Inside the Suspicious Rise of Gay Hate Crimes in Portland.
	I was gonna read that sarcastically, but I'm on his side.
	And it is weird how there's all these hate crimes, these gay hate crimes in Portland.
	And Andy Ngo, I'm just gonna call him Andy from now on.
	Sorry dude, your last name's too weird.
	Um, he pursued all these.
	And there was this woman, Jenny Brussaux, who tweeted out, Queer and trans people in Portland.
	My partner Bree was just attacked by two young white men in a maroon Bronco.
	That's a common thing I've noticed with these hysterical lefties.
	They're into identifying this mysterious car.
	It's like they saw Christine, that Stephen King horror movie.
	It's all about the type of car.
	In my own neighborhood, there was rumors that a red Jeep Rubicon was scouting.
	Hate has no home here signs.
	It's a maroon Bronco.
	It's a black Chevy Impala.
	It's a brown Dodge Dart that's scoping out my neighborhood.
	It has tinted windows I can't see in.
	Anyway, this maroon bronco, um, was at Suburban and Southeast 7, blah, blah, blah.
	She was walking to her car after work and they pulled up beside her, yelled, die fucking dyke!
	And threw an unopened beer can at her.
	And then they show a picture with a cut on her face and blood on her glasses.
	Very small cut, very little blood.
	And the police look into it and they go, yeah, I think she fell, dude.
	I think she was blackout drunk.
	Um, and she fell.
	That looks like a, a falling kind of a cut on the face, not a beer can to the face.
	And, uh, she was slurring when we found her.
	And she also said, if you don't help me, my people will ruin you.
	And so Andy investigates it and they go, Yeah, there's no evidence of that.
	And the CCTV cams show something totally different.
	Then they find another hate crime where this gay was killed or something and beaten with bats.
	And the police look into that and they go, yeah, the cameras don't show it and this is a lie.
	And every time this reporter, Andy, tries to approach them, they go, fuck you and block them.
	And they clearly don't want to get to the truth.
	And none of them went to the cops.
	Excuse me.
	None of them went to the cops first.
	They always just tell Andy to fuck off and try to raise money.
	I've been doing videos all day, by the way, and it's given me this cool Brenda Vaccaro for Tampax tampons voice I'm very into.
	Ben Shapiro, if you're out there and you're listening, dude, talk for two hours before you do your podcast.
	I love you, Ben, but you sound like you're in a Nickelodeon cartoon.
	You need to drink whiskey, smoke a cigar, and just go for two hours before you do your podcast.
	And you can lose that voice because everything you say is wonderful.
	But it would sound so much better if it was by that guy with the mustache from Roadhouse.
	What's his name?
	Sam.
	Sam Elliott.
	Ben Shapiro should have Sam Elliott just read his scripts and then just sort of mime it.
	Like karaoke or whatever.
	Lip sync it.
	Because Ben's voice has got to go!
	What are some of the things that Ben says that he's known for saying?
	Facts don't hurt your feelings?
	Facts don't care about your feelings?
	Well, listen, dude.
	Facts don't hurt your feelings.
	No, facts don't care about your feelings.
	Facts don't care about your feelings.
	I'm Sam Elliott.
	What's up?
	This is Ben Shapiro.
	Welcome back.
	The all new Dodge Ram.
	Facts don't give a fuck about your feelings, faggot.
	Drink a sarsaparilla, bitch.
	Hey, if there's any feelings listening to this show right now, fucking hang up.
	I don't want any feelings on my show, only facts.
	So yeah, beaten with baseball bats.
	So then they blame the Proud Boys, which has happened a million times.
	One of the craziest ones I've talked about before was in, what was it, Oakland.
	Where a proud boy just randomly stabs a black chick, laughs about it, and then says, hey guys, let's all go to a bar to celebrate the murder of a black chick.
	So a mob forms to prevent this.
	Now, the truth was some career criminal with mental illness stabbed a black chick for telling him to fuck off because he was crazy and he grew up in jail.
	And he went right back to jail.
	Prison.
	But the narrative went off on a tangent.
	And this narrative was all about the evil, fag-bashing Proud Boys who just want to go kill things.
	And so Andy interviews them and he finds, and it's not hard, this gay Proud Boy.
	And he goes, The Proud Boys is the most welcoming organization that I've ever been a part of, Fred Swink, an openly gay Proud Boys member in Vancouver, Washington, told me.
	Swink has spent years being involved in the queer scene, where he was once the publisher of Stonewall News, an LGBT paper.
	Swink is also familiar with gay bashing.
	In 2008, there was a series of alleged assaults on gay men in Spokane who were lured and mugged through hookup sites.
	Some of them were closeted or married to women and did not go to police.
	I'm sorry to make your voice gayer, Swink, but it helps deliver the message.
	Many victims never report for a variety of reasons, Swink says, but if they start making allegations that provide no details, that just creates hysteria.
	The men I know who didn't report their attacks to police also didn't bring attention themselves through viral social media posts on Twitter and Facebook.
	Swink's point being that these guys are making a boatload of cash on these GoFundMes.
	Like tens of thousands of dollars saying they were attacked.
	And it, you know, it works.
	The guy with the baseball bats got ten grand as of, you know, a couple weeks ago.
	Who knows what it's up to now?
	And I had kind of an epiphany when I was reading this.
	I realized the real problem with the gays is that we don't give a shit about them.
	And they can't take it.
	Like, no one cares enough to fagbash anymore.
	I'm sure there are homophobes.
	And, you know, I meet people... Where I grew up, in Canada, gay jokes were everywhere.
	Even my dad, like my dad was on a hunting trip recently and they joked to the owners of the sort of camping lodge that they were all fags and they needed one bed or something like that.
	I can't, I'm ruining his joke.
	He'd be very angry if he knew I did this, but they came down for breakfast the next day all holding their assholes like, oh Jesus, wow.
	And then saying to the waitress at the cabin, my dad's like, I'll just stand.
	Thank you.
	My God.
	Wow.
	Have you got any hemorrhoid pillows?
	It's not the most ambitious jokes, not the wittiest joke, but it does the trick.
	And I used, I noticed when I moved to, to Brooklyn from Canada, One of the things I like to end a phone call with is go, okay, man.
	All right, cool.
	All right.
	I love you.
	And just hang up right after that.
	The other funny thing is apology accepted.
	And the other funny thing is white power.
	You always hear the guy on the other end go, what the fuck?
	But I noticed with Brooklyn guys, when I go, okay, I love you, they go, hey, hey, whoa, what the fuck?
	Like they didn't like the gay joke thing.
	They don't do that in Brooklyn.
	That's not really homophobia.
	And yes, you see homophobia in the black community.
	They're really against, you know, the DL and you shouldn't have sucked those dicks in prison.
	Different culture, different world.
	But as far as like getting in a car and going to find a gay to beat up, especially in Portland of all places, It's not a thing, guys.
	Sorry.
	And I think people see the Freedom Riders in the 60s and they see the abuse that black Americans went through and they go, they see Malcolm X and stuff and they go, I kind of want to be that.
	I want to be oppressed.
	Which is a weird thing to want to be.
	I want to be raped.
	I want to be beaten.
	I want to be fag bashed.
	But, you know, they want to be victims.
	And so they make up these lies.
	And the truth of the matter is that even the homophobes, they don't really give a shit.
	Like their attitude is, that's gross.
	That's the worst it gets.
	Matthew Shepard was not fag bashed to death.
	It was a couple of meth dealers who were pissed at him for ripping them off.
	He was a meth addict and it was a drug deal gone wrong.
	It wasn't like, let's go get some fags.
	There's entire gay restaurants.
	Now, no one is looking to go beat up gays.
	Sorry, guys.
	And I think that's what drives a lot of these people nuts is that the war is over.
	And they're not part of the civil rights movement anymore.
	Like, the whole trans thing where they focused on bathrooms.
	Yeah, I don't want my daughter around a drag queen, basically, in the bathroom.
	But otherwise, we don't really care.
	I'm sorry.
	It's not a thing.
	Like, even at work, if some guy showed up... In fact, I know a guy who works Metro North.
	On the trains, you know the ticket collectors, such a fucking scam by the way.
	Sorry public service dudes.
	Cops, I love you.
	Firemen, I love you.
	Ticket collectors, salt of the earth guys, awesome guys.
	But you're running a fucking scam.
	Your pensions are insane.
	Your wages are mental.
	And the amount of work these ticket collectors do is like two hours a day, three hours a day.
	And then they go sleep at Grand Central in their own little private hotel rooms with beds and side tables and couches, watch a movie.
	Go see a movie!
	You got a six-hour break.
	Anyway, that's a whole other story.
	Great book, by the way, about civil service scams and how they're ripping us all off.
	And I'm sorry, because a lot of my buddies are these people.
	But it's called Plunder, How Public Employee Unions Are Raiding Treasuries, Controlling Our Lives, and Bankrupting the Nation.
	Stephen Greenhut.
	Plunder.
	Really good book.
	Hey, all my other favorite books just popped up when I looked that up.
	The Worm and the Apple by Peter Brimelow, Rats, Observations on the History and Habitat of the City's Most Unwanted Inhabitants, and War Before Civilization, The Myth of the Peaceful Savage, a book about how Indians were not sweethearts when we got here.
	They had fucking mass graves and were killing each other.
	Anyway, yeah, I really think the problem here Is that trans people and gay people can't come to terms with the fact that we don't fucking care anymore.
	Go fuck yourself.
	Go fuck each other in the ass.
	I don't give too much of a shit.
	Really?
	I mean, we were freaked out about it in the 50s and 60s and 70s.
	Then 80s was weird and AIDS was weird.
	And then everyone went, Oh, that's what you do?
	Okay, bye.
	Have fun.
	Sorry, you're not black.
	Everyone wants to be black.
	Trans people want to be black.
	Fat people.
	Even a lot of upper middle class Jewish people are like, I'm so sick of all the abuse I go through.
	Sorry, only blacks are black.
	Or I love new immigrants who come here.
	And they go, this is so fucked up.
	This horrible racist shit I have to go through.
	Uh, sorry.
	You're Mexican.
	You don't really have... I'm Asian.
	I go through a lot of shit.
	Well, I guess there was the coolies.
	Actually, there's a good argument.
	Asians have probably the best argument outside of blacks for genuine victimization when they have these college test scores where they are penalized for getting too good of a score.
	Too high of a score.
	Um... What else did I want to talk about?
	Oh, I think we got to take a chip out of the mailbag.
	Let's dip into the mailbag, shall we?
	I wanted to talk about boxing a little bit, but we'll get to that.
	I'm learning so much.
	It really is like Japanese.
	There's layers.
	And, okay, one thing I did want to say about boxing.
	You know, you hit the heavy bag and you learn all these combinations and all that stuff.
	Nothing compares to sparring.
	Because sparring, you're actually there.
	And I realize this applies to everything I do.
	Like, when you see my new show come out on June 1st, you're going to go, this sucks.
	And yeah, because I'm going to iron out the kinks as I go.
	Same with Vice Magazine.
	When we started, we were a 16-page newsprint piece of shit called Voice of Montreal.
	And rather than hone it until it was a beautiful square bound magazine with tons of advertisers, I'd rather just iron out the kinks midway.
	And I think that's a great way to do everything.
	Like to learn a trade, be an apprentice.
	I guess you got to go to school.
	I guess they try to rip you off for that.
	I call bullshit on it.
	I know you can't avoid it.
	So it's maybe not the best analogy, but there's nothing you learn more than being an actual apprentice.
	In a garage.
	And seeing a pattern.
	Like seeing, oh shit, 50% of our jobs are alternators.
	And becoming the alternator guy.
	Or with internships, you see, oh, they always need help with CD reviews.
	Not a lot of people want to review CDs.
	That's a thing I'll do.
	I'm willing to do a hundred of those to move up the ladder.
	Don't go to fucking journalism school.
	Go get a scoop.
	I got a scoop for you.
	Gary Coleman's wife murdered him.
	We just figured that out ourselves a couple days ago.
	I heard, by the way, somebody referenced in the mailbag at 2 minutes and 20 seconds of Macaulay Culkin's Joe Rogan episode, there's a Coleman-like cringe.
	Would you like to hear it?
	Sure.
	He said it's possibly a child actor thing.
	A lot of people catch it, but they And that was like mono kind of thing like a lot of people catch it but they like they just have the antibodies for it like and I was a little rundown I was doing a play in London for like 10 months and also like kind of going out at night and things like that so I think it's right before that he actually thanks for the queue up dude He said 2 minutes 20 seconds.
	To their baby.
	Believe me, I went to the whole CDC website and everything.
	And that was like mono kind of thing.
	A lot of people catch it, but they just have the antibody.
	What are you doing dude?
	Maybe that was it?
	Don't you have headphones?
	Can you not screen things before you introduce them to tens of thousands of people?
	No, it would play live.
	Okay.
	Thank you for that.
	That was wonderful.
	Thanks to Michael Grove.
	Thanks, Michael Grove.
	I've noticed this with millennials too.
	They'll say, this is very important.
	Then there's a thousand typos and the wrong link.
	And you go, how important could this fucking be, dickwad?
	But anyway, the moral of that story, we've got a few morals here.
	Men are wonderful.
	A lot of these people talking about how this horrible shithole we live in are full of shit themselves.
	And third, try it out first.
	Stop learning about things.
	I'm against education.
	Go do it.
	Go learn it.
	Go iron out the kinks that way.
	And before like you take, I know a guy who was a cop for one hour.
	Now this is probably a terrible example, because you can't try being a cop.
	But he went through the whole police academy, his dad was a cop, his grandfather was a cop, uncles were cops, coppity cop cop cops.
	And after going through the police academy, he realized, oh shit, I won't be able to do police work the way my entire family has for generations, because there's all these stupid rules now, and you're being scrutinized by everything you do, and if you fucking fart on the wrong day, you get penalized.
	And he said, I don't want to do this.
	So he quit hours into being a cop.
	Um, that's a stupid analogy because you can't try being a cop, but you get what I'm saying.
	You may do all this studying, all this journalism degree, all this reading about boxing, all of this preparation that gets you a quarter of a million dollars in debt and then try and go, man, I hate this.
	I can't tell you how many lawyers I know that went, ah, this is boring.
	I'd rather be in media.
	I'd rather be writing articles or something.
	Tons and tons of dudes like that.
	So it's like Bill Hicks says about people who die on LSD because they think they can fly.
	He's like, why don't you try it out on the ground first?
	He goes, big deal.
	We lost a moron.
	Why don't you give it a run for a little bit off the ground?
	The men in debt, these poor bastards, and I mean, millennials annoy me, but I don't want them to have a quarter million dollars in debt.
	The men in debt, these poor bastards, getting saddled with is part of the deaths of mass, and part of the fact that they use credit cards and they don't understand.
	If you're a millennial, you just use cash.
	Ryan, that goes for you.
	The first thing you should do when you get your paycheck from me is go to the bank, take it all out in cash, and then when you ride the train, pay cash, When you ride an Uber, pay cash.
	When you eat meals, don't Uber, don't order it, pay cash.
	And you will see these 20s flying out of your hand and go, holy shit!
	I'm spending a hundred bucks a day?
	That's true.
	Yeah, I was.
	I was talking to a guy yesterday who got hit with a $60,000 tax bill, and he's my age.
	Middle class guy, he's got three kids, and he was talking about how he told the IRS to fuck off, and they suggested a payment plan, and they did a payment plan, and then they started garnishing his tax returns after that.
	He got like 15 grand back one year, and they immediately took that to go to the 60.
	And he eventually paid it off in like six years.
	Maybe more than that.
	Sorry, sorry.
	Six years is not true.
	Many years.
	He eventually got it manageable in six years.
	You said $60,000, right?
	$60,000.
	Okay, wow.
	This is a middle class, upper middle class guy.
	$1.2 million house.
	Successful dude.
	Works in finance.
	$60,000 is a massive burden on this guy with two cars and a life.
	Right?
	He's a member of country clubs and goes golfing.
	$60,000 is a huge blow.
	So $250,000 on a 20-year-old who makes $12,000 a year at Starbucks, I don't think you realize how totally impossible that is to pay off.
	You're never going to pay it off, dumbass.
	Wait, who has $250,000?
	NYU students.
	Oh, shit.
	It's like $60,000 a year now.
	Plus, they don't work in the summers for some reasons.
	Some reasons.
	And they end up with $200,000 to $250,000.
	Which is just not doable.
	Lord.
	Why are you saying that weird?
	What, Lord?
	Yeah.
	Because I'm religious now.
	No, but you said it weird, dude.
	Really?
	Yeah!
	But it's... I was cracking my back while I said it.
	No, no, no.
	Something's going on there.
	It's sort of like, I talked to comedians who would do child molestation jokes at the porn awards, and I think it was, it wasn't David Tell, but it was someone like that.
	It was a super tall guy that I was on Red Eye with, and he said, I'm doing jokes, everyone's laughing, everyone's laughing, and then I do a child molestation joke, and the whole place is a morgue.
	It's a funeral home, because they've all been molested.
	So they all sort of go, Oh wow, true.
	And that's how you just said that thing.
	Lord?
	Yeah.
	You had debt looming over your head.
	Well, you do.
	And you were like, let's just move on.
	Oh, I see.
	I see.
	I got in there.
	The Lord had a weird inner sanctum.
	There was inner.
	I'll tell you the inner.
	The inner is that I like hearing about other people's debt because it makes me not feel alone.
	I always feel like my mistakes are so specific, but it's not true.
	I got the same mistakes everybody else does.
	I was feeling really generous the other day.
	I was trying to work out Ryan's debt.
	It's got about, well, we'll tell you in a second.
	Like ten grand?
	I was like, you know what?
	I think you're a good kid.
	You go in places.
	I'm gonna pay you debt.
	Fuck it.
	I see you overspend.
	You're kind of dumb with groceries and Uber, McDonald's.
	Fuck it.
	We're gonna start clean.
	How much do you owe?
	He's like, ten, eleven grand.
	Okay, no.
	We're not doing that.
	Fuck that.
	What, I'm not buying you a car?
	No, I would be way too uncomfortable with that.
	I assumed it was like $1,800 or something.
	No, I was a bad boy.
	You were a retard.
	Three years of commuting to the city and eating food and hotel rooms if I needed to crash if I missed my train back.
	We have advice from the mailbag.
	I thought I had a good system for getting to our last announced Message but I'm looking at my flag here and uh I use a flagging system where the last I'm boring you with all these details but uh okay you tell me yours and I'll try to figure out what my last one was said.
	This is Jesper from Australia.
	Hi I'm 19 and I have been talking recently with my girlfriend of one and a half years about our future children.
	I agree and always have with your advice that one's for losers, two's for fags and three's a bare minimum.
	I've expressed a similar sentiment that we should be having four or five.
	Ensure our legacy continues.
	She, however, insists that she's having no more than two because it's too expensive.
	Another BS.
	Oh, that old trope.
	Look.
	What's to be done?
	It's not a democracy, my friend.
	Just commenter.
	Yeah.
	Women don't want babies because it's a lot harder for them than us.
	It's actually pretty good for us.
	They have to have a human grow like alien in their body.
	But you just gotta like not think about it.
	I've noticed this with hard labor too.
	If you're doing a big job, the worst thing you can do is think.
	Even moving a couch up the stairs where people go, okay, what if we twist it here and then we'll put it up that way and then go around the... Don't think.
	Just start trying to lift the couch up the stairs.
	And it's the same with babies.
	Just start churning them out.
	All right.
	Tell me if I've repeated these before, because I don't have a good system for reading letters.
	This is from Todd Tribbett.
	Hey, bitch, I may be a male nurse, and that is kind of gay, but nothing is gayer than your 50-year-old bleeding asshole, you stupid, unemployed, chinless fuck.
	Wow.
	Well, those are all true.
	That's the end?
	You can't.
	Yeah.
	Oh, that's a very, that's an insulting email.
	It's very, uh, uh, self defensive.
	It's very offensive, but it's all true.
	You can't argue with that.
	Um, Raisin Tooth, your anus, you weren't on that meat diet everyone's talking about.
	Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
	Oh, this guy, I remember this.
	He sent me this big long email about how to really do the meat diet and how, you know, you gotta cook 15 pounds of steaks and blah, blah, blah.
	No thanks.
	I mean, working out, boxing is already swallowing up a good four hours of my day.
	I'm not into cooking 150 pounds of steaks.
	I'm not retired yet.
	Do any of these sound familiar, by the way?
	No.
	My memory is AIDS.
	Not so far.
	Benjamin Gurdzin.
	Mr. McInnes, good afternoon.
	I'm a veteran of Afghanistan.
	I served over 10 years in the U.S.
	Army before my body gave out and Uncle Sam told me to go home.
	Like most combat veterans, I'm divorced.
	I'm a family, I'm a stranger, and I have no fucking clue what to do.
	Shit.
	You're asking me for advice?
	Damn.
	I'm back in school now, a 32-year-old sitting in a classroom with my kids who weren't alive for 9-11.
	I heard some fuckface.
	By the way, Benjamin, fuckface is one word.
	Asked why we make such a big deal about that date anymore.
	Yeah, why make such a big deal about 9-11?
	God, big deal.
	Oh, a bunch of buildings fell.
	In order to obtain a degree, I had to take a social justice class.
	The cocksucker, again, Benjamin one word, gave me a failing grade on a presentation for saying gay ass scooters at one point.
	Jesus wept.
	All right, sir.
	The whole point of this is to thank you for fighting back.
	Keep fighting back.
	Don't make our sacrifices in vain.
	Listen to your podcast, blah, blah, blah.
	A little common sense mixed in with comedy.
	I love you.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	Benjamin, appreciate it.
	I don't have good advice.
	I think...
	You should not go to school if you can't be honest.
	Ben Shapiro says, what you gotta do is go to school and become a social justice lawyer on your tests and then get rich, make money.
	That's a terrible Ben Shapiro, but whatever.
	You have to become a social justice warrior.
	That's so much better, yeah.
	Or actually, you have to become a... You have to become a social justice warrior.
	And then you make money, and you graduate, and then you punish them.
	Because you're more successful and you trick them.
	I don't agree with Ben on that.
	I say, if you're taking a course that's so fucking stupid that you have to pretend that trans women are women, then why are you taking that course?
	I understand you gotta go to a police academy, I understand you have to take a bunch of computer courses to become a mechanic, but you don't need that fucking degree where you can't say what you mean and make good arguments.
	However, Benjamin, this is kinda gonna blow your mind.
	You were right to get a failing grade for gay-ass scooters.
	It's a presentation.
	You can't swear, and gay-ass is a swear word.
	You can't swear in a presentation.
	So they didn't really punish you for not being a social justice warrior, they punished you for saying gay-ass in a presentation.
	I'm on their side on that one particular one, and thank you for your service.
	Do you think that there's a classy way to be defiant?
	You know?
	No, you say remarkably effeminate scooters.
	Right.
	Or the cripplingly masculine, you say the remarkably beta.
	There's a million ways to say it.
	Without lacking masculinity to a fault.
	No, thank you.
	Alright.
	And also, it gives us a bad name.
	You know, the non-SJWs.
	Because you're like, oh, look at that crass bastard.
	Yeah.
	Cussin'.
	Well, I don't know about that.
	Alright.
	I got this thing here.
	Alright, what do you got?
	It's a challenge.
	Ooh, a challenge.
	Fight me, Jap-reakin'.
	Oh, God.
	Hi Ryan, every main event needs an undercard.
	Since Gavin and Copper Cab are fighting, it would be fitting to get in the ring yourself.
	Don't just sit on the sidelines in all caps.
	I live out in Arlington, thought it would be fun to fight.
	Willing to travel wherever the event is and come kick your ass.
	Why does he want to fight you?
	As a friend.
	Okay, new rule.
	Copper Cab's, actually this might include Copper Cab, who I will be fighting very soon.
	Um, it's gay to say, I want to fight you.
	Well.
	Like, you want to physically touch someone.
	Now, I'm not saying boxing is gay.
	That's different.
	But to hear about someone and go, hey man, I want to have a fight with you.
	And not know him, like not know if he boxes, not know what his weight class is, any of that shit.
	It's homosexual.
	I'm just going to say it.
	I don't care that you broke your elbow.
	It's that gay.
	But you know what I mean?
	I'm not saying boxing's gay, obviously.
	But I'm saying... It's you want a piece of me.
	Because I get this all the time.
	In fact, that Christopher Piccolino dude, who does that show on CNN, like Surviving Hate, he's asked me to fight him like 50 times.
	The ex-Nazi?
	Yes.
	I get that all the time.
	I probably have a hundred dudes who are like, alright, I want to arrange a fight with you.
	In the ring.
	Money goes to charity.
	Why does that occur to you?
	I'm not known as a boxer.
	I'm a media guy.
	Hey, uh, the guy who does Calvin and Hobbes?
	I hated that last cartoon.
	I wanna meet you in the ring.
	Proud Boys do that to me all the time, too.
	Yeah.
	I'll say, dudes, you gotta shut up with that shit.
	That's fucking annoying.
	Oh yeah?
	I wanna fight you.
	I'll meet you at this time.
	All the fucking time.
	Isn't it kind of like traditional to say, do you want a piece of me?
	It literally is somebody wanting a piece of you.
	Gay.
	He says, he finishes with, like you, I'm short 5'9".
	0% of my jokes are funny and I enjoy good whiskey.
	Yeah, fuck off.
	He said, let me know, but he left his number.
	Can I call him right now?
	Okay.
	This should be fun.
	I'll read this in the meantime.
	Oh wait, no, let's read it.
	Also put some mustard on your sack and wear your suit out.
	You don't need to go to court to wear a suit.
	Have some fucking class.
	What?
	Benny Hizzle, love the show.
	Tell Gavin he kills it.
	Three ringin' dingies.
	One more ring and you're out.
	No, no, keep going.
	Alright.
	Leave a message with him.
	Tell him you're gonna kill him.
	I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
	Thanks.
	Bye.
	Tell him you're going to kill him.
	Tell him you're going to fuck him up.
	When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options.
	Hey, bitch.
	You want to fucking fight me?
	Sending me little cute emails?
	It's not a fucking joke.
	I sound goofy on the podcast and shit?
	Don't fucking email me with that fucking shit.
	Yeah, come up here, dude.
	I fucking dare you.
	I fucking dare you.
	Come up here.
	You're dead!
	I'm just kidding.
	Thanks for the email and toodaloo.
	Aw, don't say just kidding.
	That's a sin.
	What would you do?
	No, that could just be you have a gay guy over at the house.
	Oh, good point.
	Philip Daggett, which experienced no unfortunate rhymes when he was in grade school.
	He just breezed through old Daggett.
	What could it be?
	Saggett?
	No one rhymed anything with old Philip Daggett.
	Hey Gavin, I heard you say what has happened to all the men on the Friday podcast.
	This guy's obviously been toughened up by grade school.
	I think it has to be said that real men are over.
	I heard Jim Goad say the same.
	The days of our fathers and grandfathers are long gone.
	They're never coming back.
	The only thing I can do is be the best man I can possibly be and maybe set a good example for others.
	I don't know when or how we lost the regions of true manhood, the reigns of true manhood, but society will forever be tarnished, grey, and damaged without the true man I guess we must soldier on.
	Damn.
	I don't know.
	Pretty heavy.
	You gotta get out there.
	Sometimes, you know, when you're bourgeois, and you're at your stupid work, like WeWork thing, and then you go and get margaritas with the guys on the Upper West Side, after maybe you don't meet these dudes.
	There's real men, there's still a working class in America.
	There's still tough guys.
	There's still good jokes.
	There's all of South Brooklyn.
	Fuck off.
	I got so many anal tips.
	The anal itch may be a result from fastidious cleaning and wiping.
	Fuck off.
	I got so many anal tips.
	I got more tips in my ass than a fucking passed out gay guy at a party.
	Thanks.
	James Richards.
	Gavin, I thought I was alone with my problem of wiping my ass.
	Blah, blah, blah.
	Getting it fully clean is a pipe dream.
	I've asked other people.
	Like, I'm a straight 23 year old.
	Dude, I'm 48.
	Okay?
	I've had an anus for 48 years.
	I've been handling it myself for about 46.
	I'm not looking for tips.
	Stop sending me anal tips.
	There's a lot of those of mine too.
	I've got a biffy from biffy.com.
	I've been around the fucking anal block.
	Dude, you sound just like Steven Brody Stevens.
	I have a biffy from biffy.com.
	I know things.
	I'm staying positive.
	Jimmy Fandrix, probably not his real name.
	Hey Gav, I binged a few of the Gmail podcast.
	I've noticed you called your wife my mom at least three times.
	We've known for a long time that you're a fag.
	I've heard you say you have small shoulders.
	I thought you looked pretty normal except for the ugly face.
	However, I later realized it's all in the clothes and the posture.
	And then he shows me a clip of myself on John Rogan where I don't look great.
	John Rogan?
	John Rogan, Joe Rogan's brother, does the show.
	It's sort of like on American Pickers where the mean guy got busy and he has his brother do it.
	Does this look like a grown man to you or a 12-year-old girl?
	Don't fucking stoop, you nerd.
	You're making it worse.
	Alright, that's a very abusive email.
	You invite all this because you talk that way and then people think they're like, I'm speaking his lingo.
	That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
	That's a good point.
	It still burns.
	I got a gay one here when you're ready.
	Okay, let me do this one.
	Joe Thierry.
	Hey, Gavin, come exile to Switzerland.
	I know I'm doing a French accent.
	They speak French in Switzerland, asshole.
	I give you diplomatic immunity and all sorts of United Nations perks to expose the world and get you safe.
	Let's have a call.
	And then he sends me his fucking, like, I don't know, European Skype.
	Fuck you.
	Gavin, I just want you to know, the guy you call Brad is Chad.
	Now, I said, when I was talking about the Covington boys, I said, they don't just hate white males.
	It's a very particular type of white male.
	They don't hate plumbers.
	They don't hate, you know, country singers.
	They don't hate Chris Hayes.
	They hate a certain type of guy, and I called him Brad.
	And this other guy says, no, you're talking about Chad.
	No, different guy.
	Chad is a different thing, dude.
	I'm familiar with fucking memes, thank you.
	Chad is a blue collar, Brad is like a successful collegiate type.
	No, Chad is not blue collar.
	No?
	No.
	You're not familiar with memes apparently.
	He's like middle class though.
	Yeah, Chad is a little more buff than my brat.
	Yeah, Chad is like rough around the edges.
	Chad brawls.
	The Covington High School boy wasn't a brawler.
	Exactly.
	I'm an autistic zoomer, so I clearly am right, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	He sends me a bunch of memes and whatever.
	I get it.
	Zoomer?
	Yeah, Zoomer.
	I guess it's like the new millennials.
	They're called Zoomers now.
	Generation Z. All right, do you have one?
	Yep.
	All right.
	Gayest phrase I've ever heard.
	This is along the lines of the, I like your sunglasses.
	I've read this one already, so I think it's pretty good.
	In the Canadian city, I live here.
	There's a cathedral right by my apartment.
	Um came from a lunch meeting there was a couple my age walking by the cathedral millennial white you could tell the dude hasn't fucked her yet by his demeanor so the gal says walking by the cathedral what a beautiful church the dude responds with the androgynous tone yeah it is but there's also a beautiful mosque by here too The gal doesn't even respond, keeps walking with him, doesn't even look at him.
	He said, I lived there 12 years and the nearest mosque was pushed out downtown because a bunch of the kids under that imam went to Syria to fight for ISIS.
	Coincidentally, Vice did a story on it before they were full cucked.
	I thought you'd appreciate this example of pure faggotry.
	Nothing to do with sexuality.
	Just hate when dudes act like fags.
	Yeah, and you know, That's also a good example of women don't necessarily want to fuck these men that they create.
	It's like in Rocky Horror Picture Show, uh oh, my wife's texting me.
	I think I might have to take my son to a baseball game.
	Hold on a sec here, this is very important.
	Okay, still working, if you can call this work.
	Women don't want, it's like in Rocky Horror Picture Show, where he goes, I've been making a man with blonde hair and a tan, and he's good for a little of my attention.
	Dr. Frankenfurter wanted to make Rocky for his sexual escapades, because he's a fag from outer space.
	Women, the allies they're making, they don't want to fuck that guy.
	They've kind of painted themselves into a corner.
	They fucked up.
	Ew, though.
	Yeah, there's also a mosque around here, too.
	Nobody was talking about that.
	Yeah, what a dumb thing to say.
	And what a way to pussify yourself and to preach to her.
	Like, you can't even say a church is nice anymore?
	That's the equivalent of being like, oh, look at that.
	It looks like a delicious burger joint.
	Yeah, there's also a vegan restaurant around here, too.
	If a church isn't a marvel of architecture, what is?
	Who disagrees with that?
	All the stained glass and everything?
	Half the time I'm in church, I'm just looking at the church and thinking about the guys who built it and going, Jesus, this thing's amazing.
	Okay.
	This is some guy named Greg Johnson.
	He goes, what's up Gavin?
	I just listened to your most recent podcast and I think I have a better system for you to judge attractiveness.
	Forget the one to 10.
	The late, great Patrice O'Neill had a system 1 to 30.
	I think it works beautifully.
	The way it works, 1 to 10 is ugly.
	21 to 30 is attractive.
	I emailed this guy back, I go, hey dumbass, it's called decimal points.
	1 to 10, when you have decimal points like 7.2, is now 1 to 100.
	There's 100 options.
	And I could easily make it 1,000 by going, she's a 7.23, which I often do.
	So once again, Greg, your letter is a great example of millennial-splaining, where these children, like you, talk to someone who's half a century old, And go, hey man, decimal places are cool.
	Try 1 to 30.
	I'm way smarter than Patrice O'Neill.
	I'm not as funny.
	I'm not as creative.
	But I'm familiar with numbers.
	And 1 to 10 with two decimal places leaves a variance of a thousand options.
	So we'll be using that from now on.
	Thank you very much, children.
	Michael Lemons.
	Just catching up on your podcast today.
	I heard your familiar lament about people reaching out to you for interviews.
	And it dawned on me that you currently earn your living from the very system, podcasting, YouTube, the internet in general, that you complain about.
	Access to celebrities like yourself is part of the reason people pay attention to what you say.
	And stoicism is about as masculine a trait as you could want.
	Fuck off, Michael Lemons!
	What do you got?
	I got...
	There's a clickbait subject that says, Ryan is valuable.
	And then the content says, nothing to do with my valuableness.
	It says, would love to hear Gavin go through all of his past business ventures and discuss all the people you've worked with, like Nas.
	That sounds like a whole different episode there.
	That's so boring.
	Really?
	That sounds fun.
	Wait, I wasn't listening.
	What are you saying?
	He said, I'd love to hear all your past business ventures.
	Yeah, that's what I thought he said.
	Yeah, that's boring.
	Oh, OK.
	Um, some chick named Emily Morton said, I'm going to be in, I'm from Nebraska.
	I'm going to be in visiting New York City.
	Let's, after I graduate from college, let's meet.
	I'm like, geez, what are you going to do with that?
	So of course I Google her.
	She doesn't exist on the internet, which is suspicious, unless she spells her name wrong.
	Look, I'm never gonna cheat on my wife, obviously, and why would I meet a young girl to be a friend?
	Could we have less in common?
	But I'm always suspicious of these girls, these flirtatious young girls, as con jobs, trying to get me to do something stupid.
	Alex Jones told me he gets these texts where they say, Hey, I had such a great time on our beach vacation in Hawaii.
	I can't wait to go again.
	Hoping that his wife will see it and get pissed off.
	And he's never heard of this woman before.
	And I, there was a while there, like two years ago, maybe three years, two and a half years ago, I was getting nudes from hot chicks.
	I don't get nudes from hot chicks, but all of a sudden I started getting nudes from hot chicks just out of the blue.
	And one of them looked particularly young, and I said, please send your driver's license.
	And deleted them, because I thought that might be a scam where they have a 14-year-old send you a nude, and now you have child porn on your fucking phone.
	But I'm always suspicious of any girl flirting with Wilford Brimley with cancer, uh, me, um, that it's a scam.
	That, you know, the SPLC, whatever, is set up to make me take the bait.
	Sorry, Chris fucking what's-his-name from that show where they say they were just coming to talk.
	What's it?
	What's?
	I'm drawing a blank here.
	What's that show where they want to fuck girls?
	Little kids?
	Uh, oh, uh, oh.
	Chris.
	Me and my girlfriend watch that.
	To Catch a Predator.
	To Catch a Predator.
	Yeah.
	I have a favorite guy.
	I have a favorite predator.
	Oh yeah?
	Yeah.
	His name is Jerry.
	He brought wine coolers and condoms and he just wanted to hang out.
	He just wanted to talk.
	This guy's name's Jerry, and he's just a deer in the headlights like a townie.
	And he looks like my friend Joey, but like old.
	Wouldn't it be cool if one of them just said, I was talking to this girl online.
	She's 14.
	She said she comes from anal sex.
	I thought, that's pretty weird.
	It's very unusual.
	I thought, I really want to fuck this chick.
	Yeah, no, one of them did.
	He's like, listen, I'm fucked up, man.
	I like this a lot.
	I'm actually glad that you caught me.
	I have a problem.
	I'm just super horny.
	And you think that that's going to help you, dude?
	Yeah, I know.
	Boy, we get a lot of mail.
	Yep.
	We should probably wrap it up soon.
	How long have we been talking for?
	Total, total, total, total.
	Like 108 or something?
	Okay, we can do a bunch more.
	Yeah.
	Jenny Del Toro.
	Another lady who calls our we saw it we can see our demographics online It's like 15 to 20 percent female and our letters are maybe 60 to 70 percent female No, I'd say maybe lower Why don't we try the female bag?
	That's a funnier name.
	Yeah in the subject female bag, you know, I guess you know woman who squirt I guess the fluid is kept in the female bag and Anthony Cumia brought up a great point about women squirting.
	He goes, where's this fluid kept?
	What's this weird little sack?
	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
	This little new change purse that's full of magical woman lube.
	He goes, it's clearly piss.
	They say it's the skein's gland.
	Oh, yeah, the skein's gland.
	It's piss.
	Do we have a skein's gland?
	Uh-uh.
	Jenny, I think you would be able to sway a lot of liberals in Texas.
	Come on down.
	Let's do an event.
	No, thank you.
	A disturbing little Swedish Chucky lookalike wants to save... Oh, that's that chick who got a Nobel Peace Prize nomination.
	Greta Thunberg for saying, you're not mature enough.
	That's how far back we're going.
	Timmy Tony!
	I was grabbing a pizza when I overheard some young guys discussing the specific flavor notes of a craft beer.
	They were taking swigs and chatting about malt extract and hop content.
	Oh, you poor bastard.
	Gav, what are your thoughts on craft beer and craft beer enthusiasts?
	I think the best thing about craft beer is when you see someone drinking it, they have a weapon in their hand that you can kill them with.
	So you take the pumpkin ale, you smash the bottle on the bar, and then you jam it into their neck.
	And they're dead so it's sort of like um, you know a rapist carrying around a knife The only thing is when you drink their blood there's gonna be a little bit of that faggy beer in there coursing through their veins That's a great point.
	That's the only bad thing About craft beers that you can taste it when you murder them and drink their blood so what I do in a ritualistic ceremony I found that you just take their next of kin and you just drink their blood.
	Oh, that's handy Yeah Yeah, folks at home, I don't know if you've ever read the front of a Budweiser.
	It's very clear.
	The king.
	The king of beers.
	How clear do they have to make this?
	And we just bought an 18-pack today.
	What did it run you?
	I don't know, but it's almost gone.
	I just know the sound of it makes when it takes a minute.
	No, it's like 17 bucks.
	Budweiser is the same price that I paid for when I was a teenager in the 80s.
	And I was watching some movie about mobsters in the early 20s, I think it was.
	And as they're showing, like, this is old Wally Malone in the Upper West Side, 1920.
	I can see behind some of the dirt-faced kids in Red Hook, it was.
	Red Hook.
	Red Hook used to be where all the mafia was.
	Budweiser, it's an integral part of our fucking history.
	Johnny Peace, Gavin, ever since the podcast where you guys talked about this, I've continually had to stop myself from saying, excuse me, excuse me, to my wife, who's not part of your audience, new topic.
	Excuse me, excuse me.
	I noticed my wife, by the way, gets really fucking mad when I do the doctor from 600 Pound Life.
	So why don't you lose weight?
	You know what I noticed too?
	Our guy, our SisUseMe guy, he's more interrogative.
	He's like, hey, will you paint Candy Crush?
	Why don't you use the blue raspberries at the top?
	But I watched 600lb Life with a different ear recently, and he has a different tonation.
	He goes... Affirmative.
	Things are going very good for Walter.
	He lost over 120 pounds and he is going to be moving forward with the plan to get his gastric bypass surgery.
	He's very like, doodly-doot-a-doo, doodly-doot-a-doo.
	Doodly-doot-a-bueller.
	Yeah, yeah.
	I just forwarded you one.
	I'm a female, by the way.
	What did you forward me?
	A female mailbag.
	Female bag.
	I was on a mission, this is the same guy, Johnny Peace.
	I was on a mission trip in Guatemala back in 2013 when I got some awful diarrheal, diarrheal, he adds L to diarrhea, diarrheal plague that lasted for several days.
	The B-hole never fully recovered.
	I don't care.
	More butthole?
	A Stranger's Butthole.
	I just read one and it's a butthole one.
	That should be the name of like a classical music album with no vocals.
	It's just called A Stranger's Butthole.
	This other kid is like, hey buddy of mine introduced you to your podcast.
	I'm 18 years old and he has problems too with his asshole.
	Oh great.
	So this is like, this is who you are to strangers.
	I'm the asshole guy.
	We should start a new podcast called the Butthole Report.
	Everything But.
	That's a great name.
	Everything But.
	All right, Nora Fogarty.
	Hi, I'm an annoying millennial who attends a state university in New Jersey, watching videos, blah, blah, blah.
	Pretty annoying on Twitter, blah, blah, blah.
	She put it on my list of all my favorite quotes, blah, blah, blah.
	I went into child advocacy hoping to take down online sex trafficking rings and shit.
	Okay, that's a noble pursuit, but I pretty much have learned about gender identity, all 75 genders, blah blah blah for my time here.
	However, be proud of me, last semester I debunked the wage gap to my professor who helps run the Women's March.
	The only thing that gets me through the week is binging on your videos.
	Spelled wrong.
	Okay, that's nice.
	I'd like to meet you.
	Again, from Nora.
	Ladies, send nudes if you want to meet for beers.
	I'm still not going to meet you, but at least I'll have some nudes.
	Wait, I parsed through this butthole one?
	Because I'm like, 18, what could your problems be if you're 18?
	Yeah, an 18-year-old butthole?
	Isn't that what these gays lust after?
	Yeah.
	It just cuts turds perfectly, is that your problem?
	It says, I can't describe to you how many pairs of workout shorts I've gone through due to sweat-leaking poopy substances.
	I've gone to extreme measures like drowning my anal lips in talcum powder or scorch it with streams of hot water in the shower in a hope to clean it dry.
	We're turning into the Butthole Report.
	We now ban all butt talk.
	This is a new listener.
	This is like when we did the, I just flew back from this, and boy, are my arms tired.
	It's enough of that.
	We're turning into the butthole report.
	We now ban all butt talk.
	That's the butthole report.
	That's the last butt email we will be ever receiving, ever reading on the air.
	We're done.
	The butthole report with Pat Dixon.
	The butthole report is over.
	In today's butthole report, there's buttholes.
	No one knows who Pat Dixon is, but that's a friend of ours and that was funny.
	Looking forward to your new show.
	Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
	Videos are hard to find.
	Fuck off.
	Nathaniel Ellis.
	This one looks way too long.
	To start, I want to thank you for the great content you've been putting out.
	I noticed this today listening to Stern.
	People need to just dive into the thing.
	Like, this is what I like about New York.
	If there's a homeless person in any other city, they go, hey, can I talk to you for a second, please?
	So what happened was my bus was supposed to be here two hours ago, but then it was late.
	And then I went out to the bathroom and I missed it and they took away my ticket.
	So what I need is 60 bucks to get to Chicago.
	Now I got 48.
	So I just and you go, just shut up.
	And the beauty of New York bumps is they go, can I get, can I get a buck?
	And you go, nope.
	Or when you ask directions, um, if you go up to a New Yorker and you say, Hey, can I talk to you?
	I'm trying to, and then they just go, fuck off.
	But if you just go, if you just go, where's 36th street?
	Or sometimes you just go, where's North?
	And they just point and then keep walking.
	Like, they get right into the mix.
	If it's a dude, they'll sound like your dad too, like, not that I know.
	Not that I'm a dad.
	He doesn't got time for, he's like, you go down there, you're gonna go down, you listen to me?
	You go down there, take a left, do that, all right?
	You good?
	And you're like, yeah, I'm good.
	All right, bye.
	Don't waste my time.
	Yeah.
	But they're kind of nice about it.
	In a shitty way.
	Ain't nobody got time for that.
	And I've noticed when I ask directions, yeah, you gotta keep it short and sweet.
	And when they get on Howard Stern, or anything, they'll go, Hi, thanks for taking my call.
	I really appreciate it.
	I was on hold for a little while there.
	I'm a long time listener.
	First time call, well, second time call, I don't know if you remember me.
	I was on last year, I was talking about leaves.
	At any rate, my question is in two parts.
	First, fuck, shut up!
	Or when they do like a Ben Shapiro, he's the subtext of this whole show, they'll say, Hi, thanks for coming out tonight.
	First of all, my question, well, it's initially in two parts, but there's an A and B to it.
	Like, don't talk about your question.
	Just say, are there rats in China?
	Yes.
	You know what?
	It reminds me of the self-qualifying that like, I am a straight white male.
	Before I say anything, it's like self-qualifying.
	Leave it out.
	You know, the two calls that I've had, I called Anthony Cumia into his show.
	He doesn't call, he doesn't talk to callers for longer than two minutes.
	And me and him had like a 10 minute thing.
	On impressions or whatever.
	And then I called him to Jim Norton's advice show, actually, and I did a Bill Burr impression that blew him away.
	There was no qualifying, alright guys?
	So you go out there- Wow, way to toot your own horn while we're talking about a totally unrelated subject.
	Yeah, I'm cool.
	Dude, this guy actually did something pretty cool.
	Ty, uh, isolated- he says, uh, Gavin's incessant snorting in the recent podcast was gross.
	Here's audio It's a minute long Really?
	Yeah!
	Excuse me, that's disgusting.
	And.
	Okay.
	Yeah, it's very weird, yeah.
	It was a lie.
	It would be love.
	Maybe you say it like a guard?
	You mean that?
	Frick.
	Yeah.
	Wow.
	I think it's the gross.
	You think it's the gross?
	I think it's the gross.
	I've noticed we have this very insulting mailbag, and the disturbing part is they're all very accurate.
	Yeah, I'm crying.
	They're not like, you're a fag, although we've had plenty of those.
	I like the off-mic sneeze, just like thrown in there.
	All right, you got me, I apologize.
	I don't know how to fix that exactly, but whatever.
	To start, this is from Nathaniel Ellis, Sergeant in the Army.
	I want to thank you for the great content, blah blah blah.
	Oh, now I feel bad I shat on a sergeant.
	miss your pancakes on Instagram although I'm young I've been married for five and a half years I have three children and serving full time ministry for four years as a youth pastor and I've been in the Army National Guard as a cavalry scout for six years just signed another six year contract awesome Trump got us a big reenlistment bonus here's a great cringe story so one of the main reasons I don't like wearing my uniform in public is civilians sometimes say uncomfortable things to soldiers
	for instance have you ever killed anyone one evening when I just made it back in town in time for the Sunday evening service had a young man who was about my age say to me thank you for serving so I don't have to Now, that in and of itself isn't too bad.
	A little weird, but not too bad.
	The same guy has no job and is fleecing people for money at the church, yet he's my age and seems to be in alright shape.
	This is the problem with our country-slash-generation.
	Quit living like people owe you something.
	Take responsibility for yourself and contribute to this country-slash-world.
	Every time I think about this I laugh while getting angry.
	And then he has a bunch of Bible quotes and great letter.
	Thanks very much.
	Lewis O'Neill.
	Hey Gavin, just wondering what your thoughts on weighting the voting system on IQ?
	See, we told that one before.
	Yeah, yeah.
	This one's kind of old, but it's still, this stands up.
	Well, it has a front part that's dated.
	So it says, Please God, tell me Ryan Katsu didn't need a full hour to get sad.
	The sad reference.
	Remember that?
	No.
	The stay-at-home dad, where the acronym is APT.
	Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
	So he says, Hey guys... We talked about this already, I think.
	Just that front part.
	In the middle part, I was wondering why I flagged it.
	So he has an idea here.
	Question regarding DefendGavin.com.
	I live really close to a college campus and I'd like to set up a donation, information, and support stand down there for you.
	Right there in the middle of their liberal faces.
	If I get no more than $50 and a ton of screeching-triggered college kids, I'll be very happy.
	But, I don't want to sound like a pussy, but I'd like to ask your permission just in case it adds any negativity on your name, or blah blah blah, or if any accident happens or any legal trouble.
	So, uh, you know, repatriate your response.
	Repatriate?
	That's like appreciate and repatriate at the same time?
	I had a stroke.
	They typed it correctly.
	Um, alright, how about this one?
	Wait, you're not gonna respond to that?
	I wasn't listening.
	Do you think it's a good idea if they stand up, like, they set up a little stand that's, you know, telling them information and collecting donations for the site?
	Or does that give you bad name?
	Yeah, don't do that.
	Don't get involved in my shit.
	I got guys.
	Alec Janka.
	My name is Alec from Wichita, Kansas.
	I remember watching a video of yours giving advice on how to meet new guy friends.
	That is a funny thing.
	Right?
	You're not great at it, by the way.
	Who, me?
	You moved out of your house.
	You haven't met any friends in your new neighborhood.
	No, I've been screening friends, like the guy at the place, the bar, that restaurant downstairs.
	He's always friendly, and he vapes.
	The Italian restaurant?
	No, no, no.
	The one that has that dope-ass chicken sandwich I've been telling you about.
	Okay.
	He's cool, and he smokes vape, and I guarantee he smokes pot, too.
	What's his name?
	He's not a square.
	I have no interest.
	I just...
	Yeah, I just said you're not good at making friends in your new neighborhood and you just proved it true.
	Dude, I can make a friend in one day.
	I just have no time for it.
	I made a pot connection from the guy at my stop and shop.
	See, we talked about this today.
	I said, how about starting today, no more excuses, no more lies.
	I could make him a friend, I'm telling you.
	That's not a lie, that's an excuse.
	No.
	You haven't made any friends in your new neighborhood.
	I could if I wanted to.
	Okay, great excuse.
	By the way, this guy's calling back.
	Okay, let's see what we got.
	Hey, faggot.
	What's up?
	What's up, pussy?
	What's good?
	What do you want to- What's up, bitch?
	Oh, no, you did not just call me a bitch in front of my boss.
	Yo, so is this undercard happening?
	Are we doing this?
	We're on the podcast right now.
	This is live.
	Oh, shit.
	So, choose your words carefully, nigga.
	Hello.
	So yeah, um, no, I don't know if this undercard is happening.
	Well, me and Gavin will have to discuss this.
	All right.
	Sounds good.
	I don't appreciate your tone coming at me like that.
	All right.
	Hang up.
	Boring.
	Bye.
	Just hang up.
	Sorry, friend.
	Okay.
	Alec Jenke.
	My name is Alec, blah, blah, blah.
	It is funny.
	Yeah, I remember moving to a new city, especially moving to New York or Montreal.
	Actually, everywhere I've moved.
	You meet new guys and, you know, they're either at your bar or through work or something.
	And then you have that weird time where you go, so what's your number or whatever?
	Like when you get to my age, it's not as embarrassing because you don't give a fuck.
	But when you're in your 20s and early 30s and you have to get the guy's number.
	And then here's a weird one.
	I should do a whole podcast on this because it's a fascinating subject.
	You make a new friend, you move to a new city, you make a new friend, and then you meet better friends and you realize, I don't really like that first guy.
	It's like someone told me, if you ever go to prison and there's that really talkative guy who goes, hey man, what's going on?
	What you in for?
	Avoid that guy.
	There's a reason he has no friends.
	They said, when you go to prison, just have no friends for the first month.
	And sort of carefully weigh it out and then start making friends.
	Cause you're gonna end up with friends you don't want.
	And then you end up in this weird situation where you have to dump a dude.
	Yep.
	You ever dump a guy?
	Yeah.
	And you know why?
	That's weird.
	So they, they bring you in cause you're the new guy in prison.
	So like they do have something to tell, like they have a, they can bring you in.
	But now once you know prison, you're like, I don't need you anymore.
	The only reason you were a friend to me is because you tried to bring me into this new prison zone.
	I don't know what you're talking about.
	How do you not?
	So let's say you come into prison.
	I remember dumping a guy that I realized was kind of insane.
	This was when I moved to Montreal.
	His name was Eric and I remember he was drunk and he goes, I'll tell you what man.
	There's no way I'm gonna die without having done something major for the Aboriginal people.
	That's gonna be my mark on history, is helping them help themselves.
	And that's when I sort of went, uh-oh.
	Especially in your 20s, you're shit-faced all the time, so you don't really have high standards for buddies.
	And I remember going, uh-oh, I think I married a douche.
	And then he also told me he's gonna become Prime Minister of Canada.
	The President of Canada.
	And I went, this guy's a fucking lunatic.
	Then I had to dump him and then I'd see him at other bars and it was like my ex-boyfriend.
	Yeah.
	I'm probably gonna have to dump you soon.
	True.
	That'll be weird.
	When you're new to prison.
	Okay, I used that as an analogy, but sure.
	They have the reason why... No, I get all that.
	I get your analogy.
	Yeah.
	I'm sorry.
	I understand.
	I was just trying to move the thing along.
	True.
	All right.
	Sorry if this exposition is long and boring, but I work at Home Depot.
	We have a UPS delivery man who's delivering constantly.
	He's a year older than me at 25.
	Oh, this is so weird.
	This is heterosexual.
	What should I do about this guy email?
	This should probably be our last one, but this is funny.
	He's a year older than me at 25 and in the beginning whenever he'd stop by we'd have casual conversation about video games or random dumb shit to make each other laugh.
	As we've gotten to know each other slightly better we jokingly say gay things.
	I obviously don't mean it because he's married and I'm incredibly heterosexual.
	He's a cool guy but I never really saw us hang out outside of work.
	Well recently he's been asking when are we gonna hang out.
	I usually deflect with a joke.
	We laugh and he leaves.
	But the other day he asks again, and as he does so, he begins to write down his number, but stops and asks if this is gay.
	I said yes, but it's okay because you're married and I'm straight.
	I was so sorry for him because about a year ago his wife cheated on him with a bum friend and let him crash with them.
	They have two kids and he works ridiculous hours, probably doesn't have a lot of friends.
	I'm on the fence about actually contacting him because between HD, Home Depot, co-owning a startup solar energy business, making an album, and hanging out with friends I already have, I'm busy as hell.
	I do think it'd be fun to grab a beer or something.
	So what do you suggest two guys do to get to know each other with minimal awkwardness?
	Thanks for any answers.
	Look, I have a very gay answer.
	And by the way, you're gay.
	You're being gay.
	For emailing someone for advice.
	Some guy you don't know.
	Asking him what you should do.
	So that's already pretty gay.
	Just blow him, dude.
	Just suck his dick.
	Just get it over with.
	I'm giving you the same advice I would give someone who was wanting to court a woman.
	And all these guys have all these plans, like should I meet her at this thing?
	Dude, if she's really it, show up at her door with flowers.
	Like, be a fucking cornball.
	Go full on, I love you.
	You have to be kind of attractive for this.
	Like, it didn't work for dude in The Simpsons who said, I choo-choo-choose you.
	But if you're, you know, a 6.8 and up, you can be corny with a girl.
	Similarly, and not too similarly, with this guy, just go, yeah, I accept that this is weird and gay and a funny thing to do, but I'd love to grab a beer with you, UPS guy.
	And if you don't want to do it again, don't do it again.
	Like, grow some balls.
	Go do, just say yes.
	I had this motto for a while, say yes to everything.
	And you know who else did this once?
	Paul Rubens.
	Pee-wee Herman.
	I saw him on David Letterman.
	And he said, uh, one day- wait.
	Yeah, I'm gonna be- I'm gonna have a place, uh, with chronically famous pee-wees throughout history.
	Ha!
	That was terrible.
	Fuck.
	That wasn't that bad, dude.
	Um, and he just started saying yes to everything.
	Now, he's Paul Reubens, he's famous, so that's, um, he's gonna end up with a lot more shit to do than you, but he said, I'm actually getting drunk, I have to stop this podcast.
	He said, um, he started saying yes, like, some hillbilly, he's doing a tour in the South, I don't know what he's doing, peewee something, and they go, hey, Mr. Peewee, can we have you come over for dinner?
	And he goes, you know what, yeah, sure, fuck.
	Huh, so he goes over there, And it's like 15 rednecks.
	They've already eaten when he gets there.
	And they want to feed him!
	So they make him this beautiful elaborate meal with biscuits and fried chicken and collard greens and all manner of things, chitlins, whatever those are.
	And he said, I just sat there eating and they stared at me.
	15 people just stared at me as I chewed.
	And then eventually the patriarch, the father goes, my God.
	We got a celebrity in our house.
	And then the brother goes, it's like we're sitting here staring at Marilyn Monroe.
	No.
	Yes.
	It's the kind of party where everybody gets a present.
	So that's a super awesome story Paul Reubens has for the rest of his life.
	Why not try it out, you fucking pussy?
	Yeah.
	Alec Jay.
	Alright folks, that's it.
	I think we got a pretty good chip out of the mailbag.
	I'm down to my last blue flag.
	That's how I organize them.
	I got maybe another 15 to go.
	Oh, I got way more.
	Thank you for tuning in.
	I did Josh Denny's podcast.
	That'll be out shortly.
	We talked about comedy and social justice warriors and what they've done to our fucking culture.
	Now they've ruined all jokes.
	I also, you know, people talk about this Australia tour.
	It's still on for all intents and purposes.
	I did get my first no.
	We appealed it.
	So though I've been denied access to that country, I didn't accept it.
	So we're still fighting for them.
	Please go to DefendGavin.com.
	We surpassed 90%.
	Let me check it now.
	Still at 90.
	6,000 donors.
	And I'll tell you what.
	The reason I have this site is not for the 224,000, although that's pretty sweet.
	That's like a year of lawyer fees.
	I think what the SPLC is freaked out about is the 6,178 donors.
	That's a fucking mob of people who are sick of their bullshit.
	And our last donation was five minutes ago.
	Andrew Ketch.
	An hour ago, $20.
	Two hours ago, $20.
	Four hours ago, $20.
	Four hours ago, $20.
	They just keep going!
	I like you more than a friend, guys.
	And it was real.
	It was fun.

▲