Get Off My Lawn Podcast #116 | I just flew back from Disney and boy are my arms skinny black wiener things with big white gloves on the end
This one’s all about my vacation where I hung out with some of the fattest people in the entire world. Yikes! America we have a serious obesity epidemic and it appears to be getting worse. Why are you on a Rascal at Disney World? Because walking makes you tired? Yeah, that’s the point. Walking isn’t your enemy, the Rascal is. Anyway, I took the family to Mets Spring Training in Port St. Lucie as well as Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Universal Studios, Volcano Bay, and Island of Adventure in Orlando. It was pretty fun but I think being a New Yorker may have ruined my personality forever.
I just flew back from Disneyland and boy are my arms black, skinny, sausage things with big, huge, fat, white gloves on them that have three fingers.
That's not a very snappy pun, is it?
There's no more doing those.
Those have been done to death.
I don't mean like they're old news.
I mean, you're never gonna get better than, I just flew back from a Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires.
The other one, what was close to that was after Katrina, where George W. Bush got in a helicopter and he said, I just flew back from checking out the damage that was done in rural Louisiana and boy are my farms mired.
After that, the mic is dropped and it's time to get on with your life.
Some guy emailed me recently and he said, I just flew back from Pamela Anderson's house and boy are my barbs wired.
Ugh.
It's gotta be an arms thing.
Arms have to be tired.
You can't just have words that sound the same.
Although I guess Farms Mired has nothing to do with arms.
I can't explain why the Pamela Anderson one doesn't work, but it's just wrong.
Oh!
Speaking of comedians, Brody Stevens hanged himself recently.
And I thought it was a good opportunity to remind everyone that comedians lead miserable lives.
And the irony of their vocation is they get up on stage and they tell you how to live your life, and everything you're doing wrong, and how stupid everyone is, and how lame everything is.
They love to preach.
I've noticed this with millennials.
They're always giving me advice.
Especially about my career and how I have to go back to compound.
I shouldn't start my own thing and CRTV was a bad move and and it's people that can't spell.
It's people who are in college spelled C-O-L-L-A-G-E.
Totally uneducated people with no life experience can't wait and I called it millennial-splaining.
On YouTube, because that's what it is.
We really are doing great for confidence as far as young people go and just about everyone.
You know, this non-bullying experiment has not panned out very well.
I was just looking at an article a second ago that said, all bodies are perfect.
Well, no.
No, mine isn't.
And coming back, I didn't just go to Disneyland.
I went to Island Adventure, Universal Studios, Animal Kingdom, Magic Kingdom, Spring Training with the Mets.
So three or four different resorts and then the baseball.
And boy, oh boy, are Americans fat.
No, all bodies are not beautiful.
Some are dying.
Fucking dying!
Even my son, my eldest son said, why is everyone here so fat?
At least in New York, they're just normal fat like dad.
And I was talking to Ryan about this a second ago.
Why are men never included in this?
All bodies are beautiful.
It's always fat dying women.
How about a big fat pig with a big beer belly holding his big gut?
With a Budweiser t-shirt on saying, all bodies are beautiful.
Because men know that they're not beautiful.
We know when we're fat.
We know when we're fat pigs.
I'm about 25 pounds overweight.
By the way, I'm an ugly guy, wrinkly.
I look like a hairless cat with tons of hair.
I'm like a hairless cat and a homeless man that had a baby.
And that baby's dying of obesity.
And I am David Beckham at these fucking water parks.
And I just, I wanted to go up to this one woman.
She looked as turgid as a balloon.
You know, when you do that, that thing where you squish your face and you go, I don't chubby.
That was her face.
She looked like she was hung upside down.
And then someone stuffed one of those bicycle pumps up her ass and just, just kept.
She was going to pop.
I wanted to go up to her with a thumbtack and just go poof.
And then watch her just go...
And then when she finally landed, she'd just be skin and a normal person.
But she had a little boy with her who was maybe eight.
Lady, you're not just different.
It's not like you have a shaved head or a mohawk or too many tattoos or other unfortunate choices.
You are dying.
You're not going to be there for your little boy dying.
Didn't we just have a model, a plus-size activist die of old age at 45 or something like that?
Look up her name.
It's child abuse.
I mean, if you were doing heroin and you had kids, people would go, like Philip Seymour Hoffman, what a fucking dick.
It's one thing to be a junkie, like my uncle Alan was a brutal alcoholic, but he never had kids.
And he drank himself to death without hurting anyone.
That's sad, but it's not that wrong.
I mean, I guess it's a sin.
What's her name?
Her name is, uh, Joanne Borgella.
Is she, like, black Hispanic?
She looks to be, yes.
She doesn't even look that fat.
Wait, it seems like that was, uh, oh, she lost her battle with breast cancer.
Dude.
That might not be her.
Yeah.
Oh, Maya Amber Davis.
Yeah, that sounds right.
We're not sitting here crapping on women who die of breast cancer.
Who happened to be fat?
Hey, fat bitch, no wonder you got breast cancer.
Yeah, that's not what we're saying.
No, you're taking a little kid's mother away.
How is that different?
Your addiction to food is the same as drinking yourself to death.
In fact, drunks live longer than these fatsos.
What is it, Ryan?
She died of undergoing a routine knee surgery.
Who, this other one you found?
Age of 36, yeah.
Well, that's not, that might be actually something with her immune system being down or her being, or why was her knee damaged in the first place?
Like a lot of junkies will die 10 years after they get clean from hep C or some sort of liver failure.
That looks like the right one.
Yeah.
Was that knee surgery?
No, this is a different check now.
She's body positivity check, Las Vegas.
She died in Las Vegas after a heart attack.
She was 49.
Yeah, that's what I was talking about.
Dude, when I ask you to look these up, you don't just blurt out knee surgery and breast cancer without looking at it.
I didn't know that there were so many that die from being fat.
I don't care.
Do your job.
Jesus, way to kill the rhythm of the fucking show.
Feel the beat of the rhythm of the show.
Ryan just wrecked it once again.
So... That's The Price is Right.
It's a failure horn.
Ah.
I think they played that, actually, at the Lion King.
That's the problem with having three kids.
So I have a girl who's almost 13, a boy who's 10, and then a little kid, little boy, who's six.
They all want different things.
The girl likes the animal kingdom, and we got this super fancy room where the back of your room looked out at a park, like a safari reserve, preserve, whatever you call them.
So there's a zebra there, some emus, addicts, ones with the curly horns, all these African animals.
It's African-themed.
But without the Ebola and the killing albinos for having magic blood and forcing Congolese children to rape their mothers, they'd left all that part out and it was a very sanitized version of Africa.
They don't eat their poo-poo!
Mm-hmm.
So my daughter loves all the animal stuff, and she thinks that's cool.
And when you go to Animal Kingdom, there's different continents.
There's Asia and Africa.
I thought it'd be funny if a black family was leaving the Africa section, and you could just go up to them and go, hey, you guys should go back to Africa.
It's really cool.
It's really cool.
What the fuck did you just say to me?
No, I mean that part of the park.
You just left it and I see you didn't go on that ride.
So it's kind of tricky as a parent making everyone happy.
And that's the only reason you go on vacation.
I'm happy to sit in an old man bar all day.
That's my idea of heaven.
But kids don't particularly enjoy that.
So you go on vacation to make your kids happy, but it's impossible to keep all three of them happy at once.
Like at spring training, my boy is the big Mets fan.
He's having the time of his life, and the other two are just staring at screens, even during the game.
They don't care about the game.
Oh my God, the heat was 90 degrees the first day.
And I decided not to get seats just so we could sit on the grass and catch balls, which is normally a good idea.
But Lord, I don't know how these Floridians survive that heat.
I'm so glad to be back in the cold.
It really boggles the mind, the South.
I just don't get it.
And the other thing too, like when we were in Alabama filing a suit against the Southern Poverty Law Center, which I highly recommend, you go to DefendGavin.com.
They say it too.
They don't go, ah, you get used to it.
They go, yeah, dude, it sucks.
It's really, really intense.
It's horrible.
It's sort of like, uh, when you complain about various problems with parenting, everyone has a solution, except when you say my daughter and my son, the ones that are similar, you just don't seem to get along very well.
And they always go, yeah, nothing you can do about that.
That sucks.
Doesn't get any better.
But, so all you can do on these vacations is sort of like make it fun for one kid while the other two suffer and just keep rotating that.
Like there's this Dr. Zeus park I took my five-year-old to.
It was so cool.
They had these rides, you get in these little pods.
This is in, I guess this is in Magic Kingdom.
Yeah, where there's no booze.
There's no magic, there's no booze in Disney.
Proper.
There's booze in other ones, like Epcot and Animal Kingdom, but not at the main one with the castle.
And I'll get to that in a second, because I had an epiphany about Disneyland.
Anyway, you get in these little pods, you know the things that go around and around, and they can also go up and down?
Like a merry-go-round meets a spaceship thingamajoodle?
So this one, there's a song that they play and they go, if you're in the two spot, two spot, then you better go up, up, up, and then they better go down if you're in the yellow one.
And you have to listen to the lyrics and you can control whether it goes up or down.
The kid can.
So you're trying to control this going up and down because you don't want to get blasted with water.
And it's not a crazy amount of water, but it's a normal amount.
And little Johnny B and I decided to ignore the song and just feel the vibes like Jedis.
And that didn't work.
We got hit with water.
There's a lot of upselling too.
I haven't been since I was a little kid.
All of these parks, Orlando, whatever, Universal Pictures, they all have like a ride for every seven stores.
Or maybe even more.
It's just a giant fucking mall.
Like you talk about exit through the gift shop, it is all one big gift shop.
And even the rides, when you exit the ride, you exit through the gift shop.
There's more crap.
And it's all the same crap.
T-shirts and Mickey Mouse stuff.
The ears, and the Pluto hats, and the keychains, tons of keychains, just so much garbage.
I mean, you'd have to bring a shopping cart.
And I noticed one trick that Universal Pictures did, a scam, where you get on this ride that gets you wet, But it's not.
So you go, oh, I'm okay with that.
I'll get a little mist.
Like Disney has one where you go on this big log and you hit the water hard.
Splash Mountain.
Yeah, Splash Mountain.
You get a little splashed.
It's aptly named.
But your shoes are fine.
And, you know, you put your stuff in a fanny pack, you're good to go.
But this one at Universal, I forget what it's called.
It's like the old Louisiana Swamp Jamboree.
And when you hit the waves, you get, just pour a bucket of water on yourself.
Like your shoes are drenched, your jeans are done, you're jorts.
And, you know, it's okay to have a wet t-shirt, especially when you have perfect tits like I do.
But, you know, wet shorts, walking around in the heat all day, it's chafe mania.
So, and usually they warn you about stuff like, hey, if you're pregnant, don't go on this ride.
They were strangely silent when I was getting on this ride.
And I look around the couple next to me and they look like they just had a bath.
With their clothes on and I go, this is, we're going to get a little more than splashed, aren't we?
So what they do is they fucking drench you without telling you.
And then you line up for these drying machines that are five bucks.
And obviously they don't dry you.
It takes 45 minutes for jeans in a dryer to get dry.
You're not going to have some hot air blasting at you.
It would have to be hot enough to kill you in order to dry your jeans.
And then they sell shorts and other stuff and flip-flops at the same place.
It's a scam.
It's a hustle.
So my bullshit detector caught them on that.
My bullshit detector, however, was wrong when we went to this karaoke bar, and I'd had a few, I have to admit, and I said, Everyone was singing fucking perfectly.
And we weren't getting called up.
I put in Hurt So Good and it was a live band doing the songs.
You only had about 80 songs to choose from.
And I realized this is fake.
These singers are hired singers.
And so I start going, this is fake, this is bullshit.
I caught them just like I caught that wet ride.
And then I went to the front and I tried to stop people from coming in.
And I said, this is fake, this is bullshit, it's hired singers.
And people are like, please leave me alone, old man.
One woman goes, I've been chosen here before and I've sung songs.
And then we get kicked out and my wife goes, what's their motive to have fake singers?
How do they benefit from not letting people sing?
And I did not have a response.
And then she realized about an hour later, hey, asshole, we're in Orlando at Universal Studios right next to Disneyland.
All these people are singers.
There's performers who come here.
They want to be signed.
They're entertainers.
They probably are the Lion King later on.
And this is what Lion King drama club nerds do on their time off.
Of course, they're all amazing singers.
Whoops.
OK.
So I was wrong on that one.
But here's, let me tell you, Disney, I went on Disney Cruise a few years ago and hated its guts and I wrote about it on a site, I'm not sure the site's still up, I tried to start a daddy blog that failed called mydadhomies.com or .blogspot or something, and I wrote 10 reasons not to go on a Disney Cruise.
Holy shit.
There's certain groups you just can't fuck with online.
Asians, I did an article called tackling Asian privilege and I just took an article about white privilege and I did a edit find replace and changed white to Asian and it read perfectly.
Instead of anyone getting that joke I just gotten so much shit from Asians and they seem to have a lot of time on their hands.
Maybe they're very good at computers or something because I got bombarded.
And the other group is Disney people and I didn't understand Why they were so mad.
Why do you care if I don't like your cruise?
And I noticed at Disneyland, I didn't feel a kinship with these people.
And I couldn't quite figure it out.
One thing they do that drives me nuts, non-New Yorkers bump into you and they don't say anything.
Now, we've been trained by crackheads to be incredibly polite, because we don't want to set anyone off, because they'll stab you or go insane, wreck your life.
So every time a New Yorker bumps into someone, they hold them and go, oh, sorry, I'm really sorry about that, you okay?
Sorry about that, really sorry.
But Midwesterners just plow right through you.
They don't even know they hit you.
And it's very alarming as a New Yorker to have a potential crackhead at Disneyland go careening into you and then just keep walking.
They're sort of like Japanese people at water parks in Tokyo where they're all shoulder to shoulder and they don't seem to mind because they're all cool with each other.
So here's the deal with Disney.
First of all, genetically, they're Germans.
You have to understand that, yes, there was a bunch of Italians at Ellis Island.
Yes, some Jews came in after World War II.
Yes, we had a wave of Scotch-Irish and the gangs in New York, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Lewis and Clark went west.
Sure, heard it a million times.
If you really look at the bulk of America and you ignore the coast, it's a German country.
Germans made this country.
Yes, the Catskills are full of Scots.
That's just New York.
The bulk of America is German.
And Germans are very patient and very stoic.
And the ones that came here were very Christian.
So, I'm not saying all the people that love Disneyland are German, but the foundations of it, even the castles that Walt Disney chose, those were Austrian castles, the foundations of it are based on the German ethos.
So you are either, if you're a Disney person, you're either the descendant of the original Germans that founded America, or you identify with that culture because you're a different type of Christian Puritan.
And they love that Disney has kept it pure and all their characters are based on Christian values and all the princesses, they get married in the end and there's no swearing and there's no booze at the Disney place.
And I respect that.
And I get why you were so mad at me, Disney people, for saying that the Disney cruise sucked.
They don't actually love Mickey Mouse.
They just love the idea of purity.
They hate Howard Stern, is what I'm saying.
Everything that you hear on Howard Stern is the antithesis of the Disney experience.
And that's why they love it so much.
That's why they go back every year.
They're dreaming of an America that was pre-porn Pre-fuck and shit on the radio.
Pre-kids talking about trans.
They want to make America great again.
Now, I respect that very much.
I like the idea of more families.
I do think that we've gone down a dark path.
Problem is, I'm from that dark path.
Like, I'm a Gigi Allen guy.
I lost 12 friends to heroin before Oxy came around.
I'm not saying that's good, and I don't wish that disgusting culture on anyone else, but that's my culture.
I'm a gross pig.
I'm covered in tattoos.
And my angle to the family thing is, hey, partiers who have done 8-ball after 8-ball and puked on themselves on a regular basis, let's style it in a bit and maybe get over the party thing and put a ring on it.
So I'm more of like a missionary for the scumbags, but I'm more comfortable in scumbag land than I am with these fucking normal people.
God, they're square.
I'm sorry, but I just, I like animosity.
Maybe that's why I live in New York City.
I like bad.
You know, Jehovah's Witness have a heaven where everyone's good.
Everyone's 22 and there's no animosity.
Like if you can go up to a lion and just go for a ride on it.
I don't want to go up to a lion and go for a ride on it.
I like that lions are vicious.
That's part of their appeal.
It's like boxing.
I asked, I've told you this story a hundred times, but I asked a Jehovah's Witness, is there boxing in your heaven?
And they said, only if there was no animosity.
Well, you shake hands or you pump fists after you're done.
You touch gloves.
But in the ring, one of the best ways to survive is to say, this guy's taking food out of my kid's mouth.
This guy's trying to kill me.
I have to kill him first.
There has to be animosity.
I swear at my sparring partner.
Now, I hug him at the end, but I say, motherfucker, quietly to myself.
I hate him when I'm fighting him.
Just for that short amount of time.
Sort of like sex.
You're like, you like that, you fucking whore.
Stupid fucking whore.
Yeah.
And then the second you're done, you're like, I love you.
Who did this to you?
Oh my God.
The bad man was here.
I believe it's called role-playing in the world of sexual discourse.
Half of me just wanted, I don't know, I'm not, I'm sorry.
I apologize to Disney people, but I'm not pure.
Like there was a scene where we were in the monkey section, and it was, you know, they were behind that big thing of glass, like a foot of glass, and they're bored.
They're very intelligent animals, as you know.
And to put them in that big glass box after a while, they start getting kind of crazy.
Like they'll eat their barf sometimes just for fun.
And as you would, I'm sure people in prison sometimes just like barf in their hand and then eat it again.
I remember one time we were driving from San Francisco to Montreal, me and Derek Beckles, and we got so bored, we just ate some soap.
We go, let's try eating soap.
And here's the thing about eating soap.
It kills.
Cause you don't realize you have a million little cuts in your mouth, like microscopic cuts.
And when you bite into soap, it gets into all those.
And next thing you know, you've got like nine pain points in your mouth.
It's really gross.
But, uh, So the chimp is staring at everyone and then he jumps and hits the window as a boo to everyone.
And then they all go, oh my, he's feisty.
And I just, I don't know, I wanted the glass to shatter for the chimp to break free.
And chimps, the first thing they do is they bite off your heels and your fingers and your groin.
And then eventually they'll get to eating your face off.
So it would just go from like, oh, their smug arrogance would be replaced with abject horror as people died and were maimed and women had their faces eaten off.
I'm not proud of that, but around such pure golden people, I just start getting evil.
Yeah.
Universal Studios has kind of a cool concept going.
What they do is they sit you in a chair and they just rattle the chair around and maybe spritz you with some water and then make it lean forward and lean backwards and then the screen around you is totally insane.
There was a surprisingly fun ride called Jimmy Fallon Takes New York or something like that.
And you start out in Jimmy Fallon's studio on a giant, you're in a car and he's in his car and you drive through the building, smash out the windows and you're driving through New York and it totally feels like you're driving through New York.
It's really fun.
Then you go up to the moon and you come back down again.
It was awesome.
But on that ride, Sorry, so that was the Jimmy Fallon one, then there's a Fast and Furious one.
And this horrible racist was in front of me in the lineup, and he was just like, look at these cars.
Because you start out looking at all these beautiful old cars from the 50s and 60s and 70s, back when cars, before cars were all fucking cough drops.
The rental car we had in Florida, I kept losing it because it looked exactly like every other car.
SUVs look like compact cars.
You can't even tell the difference between a big car and a small car anymore.
So anyway, you're in the lobby and you're seeing all these beautiful cars, and this old racist Brooklyn guy's in front of me, he's like, look at all these cars made by white men.
No one acknowledges that!
This old, this old MG sports car and this Ford Galaxy, this Chrysler LeBaron, all these beautiful right edges, all these race cars from back in the day, original Porsche, vintage Porsche, look at this shit.
All white guys.
And then we get up there, closer to the front, And we got a black guy driving them and Michelle Gonzalez with that stupid pout.
And then we got the rock what's he, Polynesian?
And we got fucking Ludacris.
All these guys pretending to drive these cars in this fucking movie, Fast and Furious.
And looking all tough.
What's her name?
Michelle Gomez with that stupid pout.
She was in SWAT.
And I'm thinking, not only did white guys make these cars, but they made the movie, and the technology, and the film, and the editing, and Premiere, and the Macs, and all the different technology to make it look like these black people were totally dominating these totally awesome cars.
Meanwhile, who drives sports cars?
Who's at NASCAR?
It's a white dude thing.
So it's like we gotta take white dude technology, white dude vehicles, and then spend all of this time and energy making it look like non-white males are fucking part of that culture.
And then, you know, some of these, this black guy like Tyrese, he's, some girl's going to see Fast and Furious, start dating him, maybe have a kid with him.
He's not going to stick around.
So we're using all this white guy stuff to fuck over white guys.
It pisses me off.
And I was, I was behind him and I leaned forward and I said, sir, sir, I'm here with my family and, uh, you're being kind of loud and I don't appreciate your fucking bigotry.
And my wife said, Gavin, there's no one there.
You know?
He's in your head.
And I said, get out of my head, you disgusting bigot.
And he did.
He got out of my head, and we will never see him again.
Thank God.
That guy wasn't making any good points at all.
Nope.
He was gross.
He was a loser.
I took some notes here, so we'll go through them quickly.
Oh yeah, I was wearing all Mets gear, like Mets jacket, Mets t-shirt, Mets hat, Mets socks, everything.
Orange and blue.
And I was, I did it on the plane.
And I usually wear a suit.
And I noticed people treat, now I don't know what they see me as.
I look kind of funny, right, with the big beard.
I'm not sure if they see me as working class or retarded.
But they're not nice to either group.
And I have a friend in my wife's tribe.
You know, Indians look kind of Asian.
And she had a bowl cut.
She was kind of chubby.
And she was taking swimming lessons.
And she was very quiet.
And she was telling my mom this.
My mom, whoops.
Yikes.
That's really bad.
Uh-oh.
My wife.
Fraud.
Freud.
Fraudian slip.
That's a proper Freudian slip too.
Yeah, that's right out of the dictionary.
And she was telling my wife this that, so she has the eyes, the bowl cut, her bathing suit was disintegrating because she left it chlorine, chlorinated and forgot to dry it.
So it had like holes in it.
The chlorine was eating it.
She doesn't talk much.
And then she went to grab a towel and the instructor slapped her hand and said, we get towels when we're out by the pool.
Whoa.
And she realized, wait a minute.
My swimming instructor thinks I have Down syndrome.
A. B. People don't treat people with Down syndrome very well.
Interesting.
As a spy in the mentally handicapped community, I'm getting abused.
Now, I think people see me the same way when I wear my Mets gear.
Because mentally handicapped people, they tend to really go overboard in sports.
And I think a disproportionate number of them like the Mets.
For example, Bobo.
He's not your average bear.
He doesn't have Down syndrome, but he's unusual.
And he's a big Mets man.
So it's sort of like when I said to Fleckus, I go, dude, you look like a Mets fan.
Why do you love the Yankees?
And he said to me, not kidding.
This is the crucial part of this story.
Not kidding.
He said, hmm, let's see.
I guess because I'm not a retard and I'm not a Jew.
He didn't mean that in a negative way.
He just meant like a disproportionate number of Mets fans are Jewish, and that's true.
And I don't know if he meant retard like you'd have to be a dummy to like the Mets because they're so bad, or a disproportionate number of mentally handicapped people like the Mets.
I'm not sure what it is.
It's the colors.
It's the colors.
It's fun colors.
It's cartoonish.
Mr. Met.
Yeah, Mr. Mets fun.
You're right.
It's more, it's more simple friendly.
Like the Yankees are kind of evil with their short haircuts and their, you can't have a beard and the black and the blue, the two syllables, just Mets one.
So I noticed that, uh, I don't know, and I fight back.
Another trip, I refused to let the woman in front of me put her seat back, and I do that often.
I put my knees up and pretend I'm asleep.
When I have my suit on, people go, uh-oh, the businessman needs to nap.
I've noticed this too when I drive a nice car.
If I'm driving a Jaguar or a Range Rover, people let me in more.
But if I'm borrowing, say, your shitty car, people don't let me in.
They're like, I'm not letting this fucking poor person in front of me.
And maybe they think, well, let the businessman sleep.
He's generating money for the economy.
But anyway, when I'm dressed like Bobo in my Mets gear, this woman is hammering, trying to get the seat back, and I'm not budging.
And then the flight attendant says to her, well, do you want to sit somewhere else?
He's not waking up.
She goes, well, wake him up.
I can't put my seat back.
And I'm just like... Fakest snoring ever.
And then eventually I think, you know what?
Me faking it, I'm asleep is more inconvenient than her putting her seat back.
So I wake up and I go, I'm going to try a new thing.
Hi, I'm someone who doesn't let you put your seat back.
So I'm awake and she's trying to put her seat back.
And then her brother-in-law is sitting next to her on the other side of the aisle.
And he leans back to me.
And I noticed he was watching X-Men, by the way, earlier, and he said, uh, she's trying to put her seat back.
And I go, I know.
And he goes, well, she can't put it back when your knees are up.
And I go, that's exactly where my knees are up.
And he goes, well, she, she wants to put her seat back.
And I go, you said that.
And then he goes, let her put her seat back.
Now he's bullying the retard at this point.
And I said, no.
And then he did the gayest thing ever.
He gave me the evil eye.
Ooh, we're the same age by the way.
We're both fat men with beards and mustaches.
And he's giving me this like squinty, like you just messed with the wrong guy.
And so I laugh because I'm not a special person.
No offense to the special kids out there, but like a special person probably would have went, okay, please don't hurt me.
But I just laughed.
I go, Ooh, what do you got there?
The hairy eyeball.
What are you doing?
And then he, he starts shaking his head like, don't fuck with me.
And I said, go back to your superhero movies, old man.
And, uh, uh, I think he was shocked that someone who was mentally handicapped was standing up for himself.
So I think there are some isms going on here.
We're told racism and sexism and transphobia abound.
I deny all those, but there may be some real prejudice to the mentally handicapped when no one else is looking.
They get told to put their knees down and to not grab a towel.
Isn't it all bullying?
It comes down to bullying, right?
If there's stronger women, there's weaker women.
If you bully weaker women, you're just a bully.
It's not sexist.
It's just mean.
Yeah.
Yeah, but it seems like the weaker you are, the more abuse you take.
Oh yeah, I do notice that, yes.
Okay, Noah Syndergaard's no longer Thorgis.
He looks like he's in a funk metal band.
He shaved the side of his head and has a goatee now.
He looks like he's in the band Infectious Groove.
That's boring.
I noticed that there was a lot of Spanish.
I guess, like, I've been on fancy vacations where you rent a house and stuff.
That's not really my people either.
Plus, at that Jamaican resort we went to, the maker's mark was 17 bucks.
17 bucks.
When you have a drink, no matter how much you like it, and it's 17 bucks, it turns to pee in your mouth.
It becomes disgusting.
So I don't, I feel more comfortable around the more working, not working class, but lower middle class vacations.
And it's amazing when you're with your people, you see more tattoos, and this isn't so much Disney as it is Universal Studios.
I would say 70% of the languages I heard this trip were Spanish, outside of the fancy Disney place.
So at Universal Studios, 70% Spanish.
Also heard a lot of Quebecois, though.
And East London.
You what, mate?
So it was a bunch of soccer hooligans.
Frogs.
Pepsis, as we call them up in Quebec.
And Mexicans.
So apparently the undocumented aren't as poor as we thought.
But one thing that pissed me off, by the way, we went to the Hall of Presidents and it's all these animatronic guys.
Every single president, all 45, including Trump, are animatronic.
And they come out and they have their little weird... They're actually really fluid, the way they move.
It's really impressive.
And they're like, hello, I'm Abe Lincoln and I, uh, I kind of said I wanted to free the slaves, but I really just wanted to maintain the union.
And I said, if I could maintain the union without freeing one slave, I would do it.
I think blacks are inferior.
Um, no, he didn't say that.
Although he has said all that.
And Trump is out there, and I was ready to pounce on anyone who booed.
But the woman who introduced the Hall of Presidents was the only Spanish-speaking.
They had about six people working there, all dressed up in 18th century garb.
And she was the only one who couldn't speak English very well, and they chose her to announce that it's time to go in.
And that just pissed me off.
Like, hello, welcome!
We are here to have a nice day.
The United States.
No, they do the thing that Glaswegians do where they're too lazy to do the last consonants.
So, G, D, welcome to the Hall of President for the United States.
United States.
There's T's all over that word.
Please, ma'am, please.
Why did they choose her to do that?
Is it a little fuck you?
I don't know what was going on there, but it pissed me off.
It's sort of like my Uber.
I got an Uber to pick me up to take us to the airport, and he was Chinese, and he texted me, okay, what I assume said, okay, I'm here, in Mandarin, like with Chinese characters.
This is in the Uber app!
So we've gone from saying, all right, you can speak Spanish and all that, and all right, I can handle it if you say, aqui, or whatever it is, but now I'm seeing Chinese characters within the Uber app?
And I tried to bring that up to him and I said, what's going on there?
You texted me in Mandarin.
And I said, as opposed to Roman numerals, do you understand?
He didn't speak one fucking word of English.
Imagine us going to Tokyo and being cab drivers and just texting people.
Hey Chinaman, I'm here.
In English.
We would never get that job.
Right.
And then he's, you'll give me five star.
You said that?
Yeah.
Wow.
And then I just kept thinking of fancier ways to tell him, like I would say, uh, I said to him, uh, I would be remiss if I didn't explain to you that one, it behooves one to have the language at their disposal.
Do you follow me?
And you just... extra complicated words to further lose him?
Yes.
Yeah, that's funny.
I covered a lot of these, I'm noticing with my notes.
Wait, did somebody... Did anybody boo Trump?
No, but there was a controversy last year, where some homosexual, I believe, got up and started yelling, like, not our president!
Or something, at a fucking robot.
Behave yourself, you fucking...
The robot has no feelings.
Trump is in DC.
It's like when they did that big dancing thing in front of Mike Pence's house when he wasn't there.
We're gonna dance!
We don't care if you hate gays!
Uh, I don't hate gays and I'm not there.
And even if I did hate gays, who's against dancing?
What is this, Footloose?
What are you doing?
Get off!
Get off my street!
Stop dancing!
Um, oh my God, roller.
Okay, I've got some more notes here.
Roller coasters are 15% faster than you can handle.
Like you're, there's this one called the Hulk at Universal Studios and you're, you go, like you're in this big, well, roller coaster, fuck, but you're in this big dome where they're pretending that they're heating you up with radiation and the roller coaster itself is becoming the Hulk and it's like, and they go, uh-oh, system into overdrive, we can't control it, and then it goes.
And it just launches you like a cannon.
And you go, I got this.
I got this.
I can handle this.
And then it keeps going, and you go, I cannot handle this part.
And so every roller coaster I went on, I would be like, this is cool.
I can yell.
And then, all right, I'm out.
Like, I can't.
There's no way I could ever be an F-14 fighter jet pilot.
I don't know how the fuck those guys just go do loop-de-loops and whip around.
It's 15% more than you can handle.
90% of the roller coaster is fine.
You're just like, whoa, ooh.
But there's that one part where you go, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Straight down and holy shit.
Like I'm just, I'm sitting there going, I can't handle this.
I brought Johnny, my youngest, on a water slide that was too much for him.
I regretted it immediately because it's no fun scaring the living shit out of a little baby.
But I go, the secret, Johnny, is you've got to scream.
You've got to scream.
And as I just see this look of intense terror in his face, and he's going, why?
Why?
Why?
And then he said, Why must I live?
That's profound.
Yeah, it was pretty deep.
Really pulled wisdom out of him.
He had some great quotes.
I think I said them on the other podcast.
If my eyeballs had mouths, they would be yelling a lot.
All right.
Never do this without a fast pass.
You have to.
Yeah.
They give you three fast passes a day just with your ticket.
Oh, yeah?
So just, that's all you need.
Three rides is plenty.
Oh, so for, okay, for three rides, gotcha.
That's pretty cool.
Did you go on any rides by yourself because you wanted to go on the ride and there wasn't anybody?
No, my eldest boy can handle absolutely anything, so if I was going to go on a fast ride, I would go with him.
Nice.
God, this, I don't know why I wrote this down, but there's this one woman, like, these people who are not New Yorkers, they don't get How to be a normal person.
Like they don't get crowded scenarios.
They freak out when the bus is late.
This one woman, I get on the bus and she's sitting on the floor, she's all sweaty, her bangs are matted to her head, and she's sitting on the floor of the bus.
And her daughter, her three-year-old daughter's asleep.
And I go, I can't get past her.
I want to get past her because there's seats behind her.
And she goes, she needed to lie down.
No, she doesn't.
And I go, I don't understand why these guys haven't offered you their seat.
And I'm looking at these fat men just sitting down while this woman sits on the floor.
And she goes, oh, they offered, they offered.
I have to be here.
No, that's not how it works.
If you sat on the floor in New York with a subway because your daughter wanted to lie down, people just trample you to death.
That's not acceptable behavior.
Oh yeah, and I was regretting pulling out these notes because it kills the flow, but I am glad that I pulled them out because there are some important things I wrote down here.
One, people and rascals.
First of all, these companion dogs are getting out of control, and when I'm king of the world, I'm going to make it legal to shoot companion dogs.
What are they called?
That's not companion dogs.
Is it not companion dogs?
No, it's like...
Some sort of animal, like they bring them on planes and stuff.
And if you're blind and you got a German Shepherd, well, God bless your cotton socks.
Congratulations on getting a pair of eyes.
No one has a problem with you.
But that is a fraction of 1% of the people with these goddamn companion animals.
Assistance animal, I see.
Service and therapy animals.
Service, yeah, therapy.
Service animals.
Like a little tiny dog, like my stupid dog.
And they're bringing them everywhere.
And the other thing they're doing is they're getting on rascals.
And you're looking at these people and you're like, you're just fat.
And they get to the front of the line.
They get to go to the handicap part.
It's a small world after all.
There's normal little boats that have nine seats.
And then there's ones that have six seats and an empty, a hollow middle for a wheelchair.
The rascals people get to go on those.
And that wait time is like 10 minutes.
Whereas everyone else is waiting, oh, I don't know, two hours?
So I just wanted to go up to him and say, hi!
Oh my god, you're handicapped.
That's terrible.
You know, my father has spina bifida and he's in a chair.
And he used to be able to just handle a rascal.
Can I ask you, what is your handicap?
What is it called?
Is it MS?
What is it?
Is it your nerve endings are crumpled up in the base of your spine?
Oh, you're just fat.
And you don't like walking.
Well, guess what helps with that ailment, believe it or not?
The opposite of what you're doing.
It's called walking.
Get up, you fat piece of shit.
Fuck!
Some of them were like 40 pounds overweight.
Just a guy with a beer belly, just... It was so irritating and they were everywhere.
That pissed me off.
Another thing that pissed me off is paper straws are everywhere now.
I hate those.
Because one fucking turtle got a straw up its nose and someone released a video where they were pulling the straw out of his nostrils, which she seemed to do just fine.
He got it out there.
It can't happen that often.
And by the way, minor detail here, we're not the ones who put that shit in the ocean.
Central Americans, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Panama, you know what they do?
They get a barge, they drive out to the middle of the ocean and they just go...
Like Costa Rica loves to tout their eco-tourism.
I had a place in Montezuma for a while.
You walk along the beach, it's nothing but flip-flops and combs, flip-flops and combs.
Because that all floats when these barges dump their shit.
I think 80% of the plastic that's in the ocean or in rivers is in two rivers, both in China.
Huh.
Look up that Fact, and don't blurt it out until you're sure you got the right one.
But we all have to bend over backwards.
We put our shit in landfills.
I know, and it's wrong.
The plastic in those landfills can take 80 years to decompose.
Yeah, so what?
It came from the ground.
Rocks take a long time to break down.
What's the matter with something breaking down?
I don't understand this fear of, but plastic could get into water supply.
Ooh, I'm scared.
I never use plastic cups.
So because of that one video, we all have these stupid plastic straws that ruin your drink!
I just don't use straws anymore.
If I'm driving, I risk pouring my drink all over myself.
And the kids, I'm looking at them, they take a while to finish their Sprite.
They're little kids.
And by the time they're towards the bottom of their Shirley Temple or whatever, it's just a soggy, it looks like a clown balloon.
This droopy, flat thing hanging down.
Because of one fucking turtle.
I hate how we're so vulnerable to one video.
That guy, what's his name?
The shoe bomber, Richard Reed, from the same place Billy Idol grew up.
What were they called?
They were in a punk... Susie Sue was from all that area.
The Bromley contingent, Bromley, England.
And so one guy tries to blow us up with his shoes.
And ever since that, the shoe bomber, we all have to take off our shoes at the airport.
We're so beholden to one minor event.
We're so vulnerable.
Fuck that!
I'm wearing my shoes on the plane.
No, I'm not.
There it is.
India, Africa, and China blame for 90% of plastic waste choking our oceans.
So why are you giving us plastic straws?
Is it women?
Is it because women see that video and they push for it and men go, yeah, yeah, fine, we'll switch to plastic straws.
Jesus Christ.
Are men doing it just to, because women keep yelling and crying about a turtle?
Fuck a turtle, okay?
Fuck turtles.
There, I said it.
You're alive, some of these guys are alive for 400 years and they're still as stupid as a turtle that's one year old.
How are you alive for 400 years and you don't learn to read or write or communicate?
You're useless.
You know, there was a big super mall they were going to build in Staten Island.
It was going to provide 1500 jobs.
And because there was a little tiny mud turtle spotted there in the 1800s.
No way.
No, I'm not exaggerating.
They said, nah, we need to be 100% sure there's no fucking mud turtles down there.
And the mud turtles, it's like the size of a baby's fist.
And we're so worried about this mud turtle that even though we haven't seen one in that area in hundreds of years, 1,500 job people, real human beings, let me explain something about animals.
They are an abomination.
They're an accident.
God had this magical slime he put on the planet 3.5 billion years ago, and it was meant to make humans.
But the slime got on some stuff, and it got tangled up in some other things, and it's so magical That even if you get a splash out of it, it's sort of like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, right?
They were normal turtles and they got caught with that slime and then they became big super skateboarders who like pizza.
Same with- that's basically what happened to animals.
We got some gunk on them, we got some human gunk on them, some splooge, and it made a bunch of fucking losers.
Animals are losers.
I saw a zebra at Animal Kingdom stand in the same place for 20 hours with his ass to the building so he could not get eaten by a cougar which is never gonna eat him and he's too stupid to realize that he's in a preserve.
Their lives suck.
A deer, as I've said before, just a fucking weird rat, an elegant rat with knives on its head.
Look at a dog.
His face is 90% nose.
And he's not looking at you saying, what are you doing in my chair?
It's proof that this thing that made all the other animals is just this magical, crazy sauce that can make crazy life.
Crazy, shitty life.
Like little black flies, those gnats.
Are they different than a plant?
They're just ephemera.
They're just useless garbage.
They're just flying plants.
Deers aren't much better.
Dogs, I mean, they got big eyes, they seem nice.
I'm not bananas about the idea of eating them.
But they're not smart.
You know how I prevent my dog from going upstairs or downstairs where he can shit on stuff?
I just have a piece of foam core leaned up against the stairs.
And he's too dumb to realize that all he has to do is touch it with his paw and it would fall down.
Yeah.
He just goes, well, foam core, that's, that's what they build tanks out of.
I'm not getting past that.
So that pissed me off.
And, uh, Two last things.
One is, I've noticed, I was talking earlier at the beginning of the show about millennial-splaining.
Women.
Balls.
Boomer, angry women, liberals.
But women in general.
They're all experts.
Why is everyone such an expert?
I'm 48 years old, smart, and I made a ton of money.
I'm not looking for tips.
But you'll be trying to figure something out, and some woman will come along and go, yeah, what's happening is, let me explain this to you.
Just a total lack of modesty.
That's what I was trying to say at the beginning of the show.
America, and this is a problem with young and old, has a self-esteem problem.
We have too much self-esteem.
We are too damn proud of ourselves.
You don't know what you're doing.
You don't know what's going on.
Don't assume that you know more than the other guy.
And if you are going to offer something, have some humility.
Like, go, uh, I'm not sure I'm an idiot, but isn't it that this could be the thing?
Or not.
Maybe not.
Like, we had to go to dinner at Animal Kingdom, what was it called, the River Rainforest Cafe.
And I go, should we get an Uber there?
And this woman goes, yeah, no, actually the buses go there every 15 minutes, and it lists the buses here, what times they are, so you just take the bus, you'll be there in no time.
And it's right at the gate of Animal Kingdom, yeah, yeah, yeah, and walks away.
And then I look at it and it says that the bus stops at 8 p.m.
Our dinner reservations are at 8.15.
So you're wrong, you stupid bitch.
Why are you the boss?
Why are you an expert?
Or, you know, with the FastPass, you have like an hour, like 6.20 to 7.20, you can go on this ride and you can use your FastPass.
And I go, but it does pay to be there right at 620, I noticed.
Because everyone else has that same time.
So if you're there at 640, all the fast passers are all tangled together.
So I go, we should really be there at 620.
And then some stranger who's eavesdropping, leans over and goes, actually, you have a window, and you can go anytime from 620 to 720.
So they usually give you a lot of space.
You can go anytime within that window.
Thanks, bitch.
You're wrong.
You see what I mean?
I'm not a very good Disney person.
Maybe New York's ruined me.
That Buzz Lardrum or Lorem, whatever his name is.
Buzz Lightyear?
Yeah, Buzz Lightyear.
Thanks for your advice, buddy.
Thanks for contributing.
It's not Buzz Lightyear?
Holy shit.
You were talking about Disney.
You are the best argument for abortion ever.
I think it's okay to have an abortion up until 29 years after the baby's born.
Buzz Lundrum?
Lorendrum?
Something like that?
Lorem?
He did those things you do when people graduate college.
A little talk there.
Keynote.
Is that what it's called?
Keynote?
Or something.
They put it to music.
They made it a song.
It was a very popular song.
It said, live in New York till it makes you hard and then live in LA until it makes you soft.
I just think I'm too hard.
I'm a human boner at Disneyland just jizzing on people in a rage.
Not Buzz Aldrin?
Yeah, maybe it's Buzz Aldrin.
He's an astronaut.
No, no, no, no, no.
See, the other problem is you don't know anything.
So when you hear Buzz, you go, well, obviously the most popular person named Buzz is a fucking cartoon.
That's my scope of intellectuals.
Like this guy's a huge writer, a major contributor to American literature.
Who's the guy who did that keynote?
The cartoon?
A CGI drawing?
Is that who you're talking about, Gavin?
Nope, I'm 48, not four.
I don't reference, I don't quote fucking Buzz.
There was a guy, he was a cartoon spaceman.
He said something very wise.
To infinity and beyond.
He said, yeah.
I heard a heartwarming story.
Heartwarming?
About this autistic kid who was stranded, boat capsized, and his dad lost him.
And his dad, the little boy, he was probably about 12, he loved Buzz Lightyear.
It was about your mentality.
And he would say, so his dad tried to make it seem fun, like it was a game.
So as his son was drifting away from him, he said, to infinity and beyond.
And he was like, okay, dad.
And he sat there treading water, like it's an awesome, cool Toy Story game for 12 hours and was rescued.
And when they rescued him, he's like, I'm tired.
That was a long one, dad.
Wow.
So Buzz Lightyear saved his life.
But that's not who I was quoting.
Final point.
I got a lot of people recognizing me despite the fact that I grew my hair out of my beard and I have different glasses now, but they kept saying, Hey man, we love what you're doing.
Appreciate your hard work.
And I realized, I think DefendGavin.com has got so many different people contributing because everyone basically agrees with me.
They know I'm not a hate leader.
They know I'm not a racist.
They know racism is very rare.
But they go, I can't afford to get fired.
I can't afford to be ostracized in my community.
I just don't have the stomach for it.
But I love that you're doing it because it's best for the country.
It's sort of like that resort I went to years ago in Jamaica.
Did I tell you about this?
This guy showed up.
It's a family resort.
Oh, check this off your bingo card.
The pervy guy.
Yeah.
And it's so family friendly.
It's so kid friendly.
It's almost adult unfriendly.
Like the tables are super short and they have little sandwiches.
You can't reach down.
They're only a foot high.
They're for kids.
So it's very weird that a non-family man was there and he had a tattoo that went up his spine and down at the front of his head.
It was a black arrow.
And I heard him.
I overheard one of the kids saying that he said he was there to get laid.
And did they know any chicks saying that to a 10 year old boy?
You don't talk like that to 10 year olds in case you don't know.
Um, and so all the other dads were uncomfortable, including this tough guy who was from Queens who married a Jamaican woman.
So he had a Queens, Jamaican accent, white guy.
And, uh, eventually I confronted the dude and I basically chased him out of the resort and made him leave.
And all the other dads came up to me later and go, I gotta say thanks for doing that, man.
It was ruining my vacation.
That guy was really creepy.
He was making me uncomfortable.
I didn't want him around my kids.
And that was the sort of vibe I got from all the strangers I bumped into on vacation for the past 10 days.
It was people saying, I don't want to do what you're doing, but thank you for doing it.
I'm fine with that.
That's cool.
That's cool.
Well, I don't have a choice though.
I'm not doing it as some sort of Braveheart noble gesture.
I have Tourette's.
So I can't not do this.
I was in the special class in eighth grade for being a fucking blabbermouth.
It's kind of a curse in many ways.
But yeah, the moral of the story is have kids closer together.
I got two years apart, which is ideal, and then we waited way too fucking long.
We waited six, no, four years for the next one.
That was stupid.
Because now the little one is two separate from the other two.
Although, I gotta say, the great thing about a vacation is you're in the hotel pool and your 12-year-old daughter, who is at the other end of the house and doesn't see her six-year-old brother that much, is all of a sudden playing with him in the pool.
And it sort of reboots the family.
That's cool.
It reboots the hard drive.
The kids are forced to talk to each other.
They're forced to play together.
And they go on little adventures.
You know, a hotel is a safe place.
So they can go exploring, even going to get ice.
Is a fun adventure for them to give them some independence, you know, they're not going to, you know, leave the compound, especially if I've chased away all the pedophiles.
So It's not really about the rides or what place you choose.
I don't think you have to spend a fortune to go on a vacation.
You can go to a shitty ski hill or even just stay at home.
Have a staycation.
But it's really important to take some time out away from work.
Try not to check your phone and get to know your family again.
Now I gotta say, I don't think I saw my wife really very much this trip.
Like we had this one, we had this insane hotel room in Animal Kingdom where we had our own room, my wife and I, and the bathroom was as big as your kitchen.
It was huge, with a big bath and a shower, and I was like, oh my God.
The amount of elaborate intercourse that's going to go on in this room.
I'm going to have to go to Wikipedia to sexual positions and add the four I made up but we're going to be incorporating water jets somehow I'm going to be using.
That's a good idea.
And then of course after walking around a 90 degree park all day and making sure all the kids are happy it was just like Right a fucking way.
Better than sex.
Just rest.
Nope.
Negative.
So yeah, that's one thing.
You kind of feel like you want to vacation away from vacation.
How do you feel this podcast went?
Who, me?
Yeah.
I liked it.
It's bringing me back to my vacations when I was a youngster, going to Disney.
It could have been a lot funnier.
I think it was a C+.
I thought the German revelation had some real substance, but then the rest of it was just some guy going through his notes with these minor points that he hasn't really fleshed out.
It's almost like Open Mic, where the comedian has a piece of paper with him and he's trying out jokes.
I don't know.
It was very good imagery.
And you know what this is like?
It's like when I would play A show and then afterwards people be like, dude, you did a great job.
And then I would get hung up on the details and I'd be like, yeah, but I fucking, I was out of tune and the string broke.
And they were like, all right, well, you just ruined it for me.
I'm telling you, I liked it.
And you're telling me why it sucks.
And you're right.
It did suck.
No, I liked it.
It was good.
All right, well, we're back.
We're back to work.
We got a million things on the go, and the podcasts are gonna get more regular.
And also, we're gonna be shooting more Miles videos.
Two a week, I believe.
And those will be broadcast at nohate.com.
Miles is pushing this new group he calls the Northern Poverty Law Center, where he'll be fighting to eradicate all hate.
In the world and destroy Trump and punch Nazis and get rid of intolerance by just not tolerating it anymore.
