Get Off My Lawn Podcast #117 | Did you ever dream of a bit?
After discussing how lame your ideas are when you’re asleep, we get into a hodge podge of topics including all these miserable comedians who tell us how to live our lives. Dude, you just had a nervous breakdown and your buddy tried to kill himself. Stop telling us how to live our lives. We also look at the death of comedy in general, Justin Trudeau’s prostitution scandal, Alex Jones on Joe Rogan, and a bunch of letters we’ve gotten recently in a new segment called “Scrotum” (mail bag).
I'm lucky in the sense that my job involves thinking about stuff.
Like writers, comedians, I wouldn't say actors.
Maybe directors, artists.
Lots of faggy jobs.
I'm part of the faggy community.
I'm like a bricklayer.
So if a bricklayer wakes up in the middle of the night and he has insomnia and he can't sleep for a couple hours, what's he going to do?
Think about more bricks?
By the way, no disrespect to bricklayers.
The awesome thing about a bricklayer is after he's done an eight hour shift, he looks and he can see, wow, I accomplished something.
If you work in HR or you're the social media rep for a pharmaceutical company who updates their Facebook, you can't really look back and go, I improved the world after my eight hour shift.
I'm not sure I can either.
But last night I dreamt a bit, sort of, like I usually wake up from, you know, three to four, three to five, especially if I'm drinking.
I think we call it the horrors.
Although, I came up with a new way to avoid the horrors.
You see, Maker's Mark creeps up on you.
So you'll have one, and you'll go, that didn't work, and then you'll have another one.
It's sort of like when people are new to drugs, and they take LSD, and they go, pfft, doesn't affect me.
So they bang, do another, tab, and you go, dude, maybe give it a bit.
Doesn't affect me, they've had three.
And then... I love you.
I'm scared.
You are a myon man.
Papa, papa, papa, I love you.
I'm scared.
So you got to give the bourbon a time to chill.
Like the guy I met in Universal Studios, the bartender goes, the southerner goes, I came up with a thing I got from my buddy, and I got turned on to Maker's Mark II, dude.
And we had the same thing.
We both love Budweiser and Maker's Mark.
And he goes, the way my buddy does it is he goes, bourbon, beer, bowl.
Bourbon, beer, bowl.
And I'm not a bowl guy.
I got too much going on to freak out about all of my incredibly complex life.
So I don't want to be high.
But bourbon beer is a good pattern, because the beer really hydrates you.
I know they say it doesn't, but people in the Tour de France used to just chug beer when they would get a break, because over the long term it obviously dehydrates you because it makes you piss a lot.
But in the short term, you get some stuff in there, some water, and it gives the bourbon time to ferment.
And you'll go, I need another bourbon.
But then you have a beer, and you're like, oh, that previous bourbon's catching up to me.
I got a good buzz.
And ideally, you can keep it down to maybe bourbon, beer, bourbon.
Three drinks.
As opposed to my usual, where I'm having like half a bottle a night.
Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night and started in that semi-state of half-awake, half-asleep, started dreaming up bits.
And they often suck.
Like one night, I had this brilliant joke that I thought is gonna become license plates, and t-shirts, and stickers, and it's just the funniest thing ever.
And it is, how many dollars do people want?
Eight.
Now, obviously people want a lot of dollars, like a billion dollars.
So what my dreaming mind thought was the funniest response ever was eight dollars instead of like a billion.
I thought I misremembered.
I thought it was, and it's yours, but I thought it was how many people in the world don't want to be millionaires?
Eight.
Or how many people in the world want to be millionaires?
Eight.
I don't think it was that, but that's the same joke.
Yeah, yeah.
And I just thought, oh my god.
That is the funniest thing I've ever thought of.
I can't wait to wake up.
Holy shit.
This is groundbreaking.
This is going to be the next Pet Rock.
This is the new Where's the Beef.
So last night it was, I hate riddles.
And I do hate riddles.
I don't understand how people ever get them right.
There's too many options.
And the one I was thinking of is what starts with two legs?
No, it starts with four legs, then has two, then has three.
And I fucking hate that riddle because it's a baby.
A baby is crawling on all fours, that's four.
And then you're walking with your two legs, that's two.
And then when you're old you have a cane, that's three.
And then as I'm sleeping I'm going, that's fucking bullshit because a cane is not a leg.
And arms are not legs.
So a baby's not on four legs.
And you get to just call a cane a leg?
And then my dreaming mind went, uh, what, what animal, uh, has three legs or something?
And it was like a kangaroo cause it's tail drags on the back.
And then I got mad at that.
Anyway, you think all of this is brilliant and you write it down sometimes, but you wake up and you go, no dude, the riddle doesn't say legs.
Cause in my dream state I was, I was thinking, what do you have fucking six legs if you lean on a table?
But the riddle doesn't say that, dumbass.
The riddle says, what starts on all fours, then is on two, and ends on three.
They don't say legs.
So that entire, and this is probably two hours, maybe an hour and a half of being half asleep going, this is so brilliant.
I'm going to be, this is legendary.
This is going to become my new brand.
The debunking riddles.
Although even, even now in my awake mind, I think of that riddle and it still pisses me off.
Because there's just too many options with riddles.
And then they tell you the answer and then you work backwards and you go, oh, I get it.
Yeah, a baby and then a dude and then a cane.
But like, what about those walkers that have the two tennis balls on them with the wheels that everyone uses?
What about a rascal?
I don't get, I don't get the lack of parameters with riddles.
They involve infinity.
So someone comes up with these criteria and they go, so just rifle through infinity and come up with my criteria.
And you go, okay, I'll be back in one trillion years as I rifle through infinity.
It goes back to what I was saying about the Rubik's Cube in that other podcast where would you rather be in prison for a year or they just give you a Rubik's Cube and you can come out when you solve it.
I think I might take a year.
Because it's possible that you're not smart enough, and that includes me, to do a Rubik's Cube.
You could be in there for fucking 15 years.
Like, what if they said, uh, you can come out in a year or till you throw a fastball at 90 miles an hour.
Now you can train and train and train.
But I'm not sure it's possible for you to ever, ever go work out, go work with Mickey Calloway, go live at Noah Syndergaard's house, go get lessons from DeGrom.
I don't think you could ever get to 90 miles an hour.
So I'd be inclined to take a year.
My wife just said I'll take the Rubik's Cube.
Wouldn't it be embarrassing if she got out in two weeks and she'd be visiting me and I'd already been in there for 13 years?
And my kids are all in college and stuff going, Dad, what the fuck's the matter with you?
Little kids solve that.
And I'd just be crying.
I'm fucking trying!
What is it?
You work on the inside out?
Every time I get one color, I go to do the other color and it fucks up the first side!
It's driving me fucking crazy!
First, you'd be in denial.
You'd be like, I'm getting around to it.
I'm just kind of enjoying it here.
The food's pretty good.
It's like a little vacay.
And they're like, so honey, you can do it?
Yeah, I can do it.
I'm just waiting.
I'll do it soon.
Nope.
You wouldn't do that for like a week?
No, I'm saying you're never going to get it.
I mean, I remember when Rubik's Cubes came out when I was a kid in the 80s.
And I remember going, I can't figure this fucking thing out.
Sort of like skateboarding.
I skated forever.
Probably a thousand hours.
And I could never, I mean, I could ollie over a raisin maybe.
It just, some things you just don't have.
Same with guitars.
I sat there taking lessons.
No, this is too hard.
I mean, I tried it for a long time and there was just no You can tell when there's no future with something.
I think as a parent, your job is to introduce your kids to a ton of shit and see what sticks.
Now, Michelle Malkin would probably say, no dummy, you have to really... no one likes the piano for the first two years and then you start getting good at it and then your kid's a child prodigy.
Yeah, I get that.
I guess there is some truth to that.
But I also don't want to torture my kid with a fucking piano every night.
Have them hate my guts.
They already hate me enough.
I heard this Mexican comedian on Raw Dogs say that his wife was crying and saying that the boys are scared of you.
They don't love you.
They fear you.
And he goes, that's not true.
Hey boys!
Get in here!
Is that shit true?
No, dad, no.
And he goes, see?
I'm not quite that bad.
But you want to, you know, you can be friends with them when you're young or friends with them when you're old.
And I've chosen for their friends when they're old.
I'm happy to be the corrections officer.
Although you don't exactly, you're not exactly drowning in hugs when you're the corrections officer.
Mom gets all the hugs.
I wouldn't mind a hug at one point.
I wouldn't mind somebody to hold.
Somebody to love.
Speaking of Michelle Hall, can you see what happened with her?
She got a notice from Twitter that she has violated blasphemy laws in Pakistan.
And she's being investigated now.
They suggest she gets a lawyer.
What?
Well, maybe she should go to Lahore and defend herself in Sharia court.
That'll go well.
It went well for that Christian woman in India who the whole country's trying to kill.
And I think Trump might give her asylum.
We have to adhere to Pakistan's crazy laws?
What the fuck is with Pakistan anyway?
The Muslims in India were complaining, and we said, you know what?
Fuck this.
We're going to chop off the top of India, kick out all the Hindus, and give you the top of India.
You got your own country.
You got your own Israel.
What do you say?
Fuck you, buddy.
I'm going to keep attacking.
So the Kashmir, on the border of India and Pakistan, just keep attacking the Indian Army.
Killing them.
Murdering them.
Sending jets over.
What the fuck?
You're not happy with the border?
Islam is never satisfied.
That's the problem, folks.
Look at Saudi Arabia with the burqas.
They're like, we can see bangs sticking out and I can see that you have purple socks.
20 lashes.
So Michelle better not try to appease them because down that road madness lies.
We've got a lot to discuss.
On today's show.
We also, I want to get into a mailbag.
We've been getting a lot of mail, but I'm not sure, Ryan, you'll be able to handle the criticism.
Oh, please.
It's cutting.
I'm ready.
It's vitriolic.
I'm ready for it.
I don't think you are.
Is it from a boomer?
You wish.
It's all from supermodels and pro surfers.
And excellent guitarists.
All the people you admire.
I guarantee it's a boomer with a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on his arm.
And Louis C.K.
Louis C.K.
wrote it and said, you're not funny.
He needs to just stop talking.
And I like him.
He's a fun guy, but he's really dumb.
I'm Louis C.K.
And he's a cunt.
I saw this article in the Independent.
Today.
And it's about how comedy isn't PC enough.
Radical Islam is the same as the politically correct SJW world, in that they're insatiable.
They're never satisfied.
So you can go to Pakistan, you can wear a burqa, you can do everything they tell you to, and you'll get 20 lashes.
Exactly the same with the far left.
The alt-left.
They are never satisfied.
So don't even try.
There was an episode of Crashing which I can't watch.
Although I heard Pete Holmes is Christian, is that true?
Pete Holmes is Christian, he's very religious.
Alright, that makes it likeable.
I could live with that.
As long as he doesn't bash J-Dog.
I guess not, right?
No!
No, he doesn't pass the J-Dog.
Well, anyway... But what he does is like in Apatow's thing, like I saw one episode and this happened to be like a wedding or something and they made it seem like during a wedding you go and get baptized in a cross-shaped pool or something.
It was like, that's not part of Christianity that I know.
So it's almost like, um...
I don't know what weird Christianity Pete Holmes went through, but it seems like they portray an odd, extreme form.
Ah, he seems like a pussy.
How old is he?
Does he have any kids?
Um, I don't think so, the devil.
That's my Pete Holmes impression.
He's 39.
Get a wife.
Put a ring on it.
Always married.
Oh, their daughter.
Oh, really?
Who was just born last year.
Good for him.
All right.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, I was trying to get to that when I was talking about Brody Stevens hanging himself the other day.
Oh, yeah.
We sort of got off track right away.
But you've got to understand that these comedians tend not to be married.
Same with left-wing media.
They tend not to be married.
They don't give a shit about families.
They don't want you to have a family.
Yet, they preach to you and tell you how to live your life, and Trump is a loser, and you're stupid, and we need more taxes, and they make up facts, like they say that Trump is using the presidency as a big, giant infomercial.
He never said that.
They're incompetent, and they're miserable.
There's a smattering of comedians who aren't, like Jim Gaffigan, right?
He's got his shit together.
He's got five kids, tons of money, lives in a big, beautiful apartment in the East Village.
But you'll notice that he doesn't preach.
In fact, his whole shtick is like, I'm a big pale loser.
Why is he so pale?
Because I like, I like tater tots.
This is what he would sound like going political.
I don't like guys with MAGA hats.
That's awful.
Why is that guy wearing a red MAGA hat?
I don't know, but it's not bacon.
Always goes around a bacon.
I love his jokes.
No, he's hilarious.
He's great.
I love that he said at a steakhouse when someone comes up with the menu and they mention the fish and he goes, why would I want something that's less good?
So yeah, all the other ones though, they can't wait to tell you how to live your life and you're like, you have one kid at best, like Pete Holmes or Gary Goleman.
He does that thing that I fucking hate.
I hate hate has no home here signs, and I hate when Jewish people put their names in tons of brackets.
So the super alt-right Nazi dudes, whenever they say something's Jewish, they put it in brackets, like say they thought Budweiser was run by Jews, and they'd say, well it's no coincidence that Budweiser, bracket bracket bracket bracket bracket bracket, is cheaper in Israel or something like that.
It's very rare.
It's a weird thing.
It's for the Nazis.
It's for that tiny, tiny, tiny contingent that was in Charlottesville.
And it's not a thing.
So fucking ignore it.
But then you have Jewish guys like Gary Goleman who put their name in brackets.
And what it means is, I'm a Jew.
You got a problem with that?
Fuck you.
To which the other 99.9999999% of the world goes, yeah, fine, dude.
Like, who cares?
and then 9% of the world goes, yeah, fine, dude.
Like who cares, who the fuck goes Gary Goleman?
You mean that Jew?
Nobody.
And journalists do it all the time, too.
Yeah, I'm Jewish.
Roy Fickelstein.
Bracket, bracket, bracket.
Yeah, okay.
You might as well wear a t-shirt with a star of David that says, I'm Jewish.
What you gonna do about it?
Nothing, dude.
I'm in New York.
I'm the minority here.
But anyway, Gary Coleman has been doing this instructive tweeting.
He's up to like number a billion where he says, here's some writing tips.
If you're going to be out there going on stage, practice it in your living room and make sure you watch your own set.
You can learn.
And you know, at the beginning people were going, even Jimmy Kimmel and stuff were going, that's very handy tips, dude.
Thanks for coming out.
But, um, I'm looking at Gary Goldman and I'm thinking, didn't you have to leave comedy for several years because you had a nervous breakdown and you were suicidal and you had to go to a loony bin and live at your parents' house?
I'm not really sure you should be telling everyone in the world how to run their comedy career.
I mean, he's not a particularly successful comedian himself, but he's sitting there telling everyone else how to live.
It bothers me.
Or who's that guy, that libertarian guy with no kids that everyone loves, who's got the tacky suits, who lives in the middle of nowhere in Nevada, and he killed his mother?
Oh, Doug Stanhope.
Doug Stanhope.
He killed his mother?
Yeah, with her permission.
Oh, oh, assisted suicide?
Yeah.
Wow.
Another guy with no kids who lives in a desert just telling the rest of us how to live.
You guys don't know how to live.
Or Vox.
Vox is run by Ezra Klein.
You always gotta look up who owns these things, who runs them.
Be curious about who's telling you how to live your life.
Um, Ezra Klein is just a nerdy fucking turd blogger who is just an intern and then he was with the Washington Post and MSNBC just, just hammering away on the keyboard.
And, uh, he started Vox, where they explain the news to you.
This is the new thing with the left.
They pretend they're explaining.
What they're really doing is funneling the information through their paradigm.
And so it comes out the other end in the far left narrative.
That's what NowThis does.
That's what Dodo does.
That's, again, both of those are from the Huffington Post.
Huffington Post staff.
And Vox is the same.
You're not explaining the news to me.
You're crunching the news through a meat grinder of far-left bullshit, and it comes out the other end as pedantic.
Ezra Klein is married to someone who didn't take his name.
That should tell you something.
Actually, I remember her.
She did a, maybe I could find him.
She did an article at The Atlantic, I believe it was, and it was all about how entrepreneurs don't deserve their success.
And for many of them, it's not genetic or it's not hard work.
It's like they got it from their daddy.
Now, two-thirds of the world's billionaires are bootstrap billionaires, but they like to focus on the ones who got it from mommy and daddy, which is relatively rare.
My favorite entrepreneur, as far as that goes, is Ralph Lauren.
multi-millionaire, used to sleep in the Bronx with his brothers in the same bed I think his real name is like Harville Abinowitz Lipschitz, I believe was his last name.
Anyway, Ezra Klein's married to Annie Lowry, and he sits there with Vox, telling us all how to live and how to be a better person.
This isn't on their Wikipedia anymore, but it used to say, Annie Lowry's or Ezra Klein's, it used to say, under personal life, it said, Lowry is married to Ezra Klein, and they're two rescue dogs.
Patsy and Calvin.
You get it?
Patsy Cline and Calvin Cline.
And they just got a cram in there that they're rescue dogs.
If you're only, if you're in your 30s, and your only offspring are rescue dogs, you're a fucking loser.
And the last thing you should be doing is voxing.
Millennials, or whatever you are, genexial-splaining, how to live your life.
But anyway, so, It all comes together here with this Pete Holmes thing.
So his show, Crashing, took on politically incorrect comedy.
And they have this character, Jason.
That Vox explains.
The headline is Stand-up comedy's debate over political correctness explained by HBO's Crashing.
The comedy series smartly breaks down anti-PC comedy without getting preachy.
And this is by Todd Vanderwerf, who I also bet is a fucking loser.
Like, shouldn't people who write have some sort of experience?
Shouldn't they be... If you're just gonna talk about stupid shit, like a dress or a song, then fine.
Be inexperienced.
We need you millennials.
But it's amazing when you look up, even people at the New York Post talking about the Proud Boys and stuff, you look up the authors and it's some cunty little babysitter who's a little kid talking about what an alt-right hate group is.
You haven't lived!
You're talking to all of New York City, and you're a child.
And I don't know anything about the author of this, Todd Vanderwerf, but I bet you he has nothing.
Nothing in his canon.
Oh, he co-wrote Monsters of the Week, which is an X-Files book.
I'm sorry, I thought he hadn't accomplished anything.
He helped write a book about the X-Files.
Be better.
Be better.
Don't tell me about the world when I've been in it for half a century!
Anyway, the crux of this article is...
That they take on this anti-PC comic and they talk about how sad it is that he still thinks edgy comedy matters and he doesn't understand that you have to be on the right side of history and you can no longer say offensive jokes because that's not how comedy works.
And the article ends with, Crashing is always trying to understand comedy, where it comes from and what makes some of it good and some of it bad.
And in MC Middle Headliner, that's the name of that particular episode, the show sees Jason not just as a window into this particular style of comedy, but into a whole world view.
It doesn't let him get away with anything.
And when he's ranting about how hard white guys have it nowadays, it lets Ali push back against his nonsense.
This is Vox explaining.
If you think that white guys have it rough, That's clearly nonsense because Bill Gates and Warren Buffett are rich.
Ergo, as D.L.
Hughley said, being a white male is like having a superpower.
This is, by the way, something they used to parody on SNL.
Eddie Murphy did a sketch called White Like Me where he whited his face up and put on a blonde wig and he just got free money everywhere.
So your worldview is an old SNL bit.
Go on.
Take it.
Just take it.
And the guy who says that to Eddie Murphy is the guy who wrote the sketch, Robert Downey, who I had a fight with recently.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
That's a shame.
Because he called me when the shit was really hitting the fan.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
And he said, you know, if there's anything I can do, you know, I've been through this before.
And then proceeded to, for 40 minutes, to tell me about all the times he's been a pariah.
And been pilloried for being politically incorrect.
And I'm like, yeah, uh, you could donate to my fund or fuck off.
Cause I'm not really in the mood to hear about how hard your life was.
And all his examples, of course, weren't even close to what I was going through at the time.
It's like there was someone made an inconvenient comment at a party.
I'm like, yeah, I I'm, uh, worried about, uh, about getting fired, which I did.
Anyway, I'll just finish this.
But it also never forces Jason to learn a lesson.
And it never urges everybody to forgive him for being an asshole.
It simply sits back and observes.
Could you be more fucking arrogant, please?
So now, you're a mensch if you don't punish these disgusting, politically incorrect comedians.
That's what Pete Holmes Show is talking about.
And that's what Vox is explaining to us.
Now, Oh, my email's crashing.
There was a much more egregious article about comedy recently.
And I'm really interested in this, not because I give a shit about comedy, but because it's a good litmus test of where we are.
Orwell said, within every joke is a tiny revolution.
And Americans love comedy.
We invented stand-up comedy, right?
I believe so.
Yeah, it was Lenny Bruce and everything.
America was the first.
And to see it get ripped apart and ruined by all these pussies is amazing, especially when they're British.
So that article was kind of meek, right?
It wasn't particularly enraging.
But then there's this other article by this fucking cunt named Liam Evans, who I believe is East Indian.
He has, again, this goes back to what I was saying with the New York Post, who's preaching to us?
Is it manic depressive comedians who are on the verge of suicide?
Is it childless pricks like Ezra Klein, who's more devoted to hammering away at his keyboard than he is to creating a family and giving his poor wife a baby?
I got you a rescue dog.
Married guys who get their wives dogs, they are procrastinating.
Ladies, do not fall for it.
You're being given a fur baby to shut you up.
And it buys him a good 10 to 15 years of being a pussy.
Ain't nobody got time for that!
So this guy, Liam Evans, he is on Twitter as at LiamEvans1997.
He has 24 followers.
And he wants you to know that we have to really monitor comedy closely because he's an up-and-coming comedian.
Now, YouTube is very good at getting every single person in the world who's ever stepped on a stage even once as an afterthought.
There is zero evidence of Liam Evans doing any comedy ever.
In fact if you look it up you'll find like loom Evans and about 10 guys with names similar doing stand-up that's how easy it is to get on YouTube but no none of him and his tweets have he's talking about John Wayne's racist and homophobic views From 1971 in Playboy Magazine, is there anything less relevant than a dead man's antiquated views in 1971?
And Liam says, it doesn't matter how long ago this interview took place.
The ideas John Wayne expressed are enjoying a resurgence.
This matters.
It doesn't even sound desperate.
This matters.
So anyway, he gets an article in The Independent, and we think of The Independent, you know, it's a lefty magazine, but you go, well, they probably have journalists there who have worked hard and worked their way up.
And no, I don't know what's going on.
I think newspapers are going under and they go, maybe we need younger people.
Maybe that's the problem.
So they get inexperienced boobs to just fart out nonsense.
So this guy says, as a new comedian working the circuit, that's just a fucking lie.
He's not working the circuit, he's done nothing.
He's just a weird Indian, probably a homosexual, who just wants to bitch and complain because he has nothing else to offer the world.
So he says, as a new comedian working the circuit, I'm appalled at disgusting jokes creeping back into the industry.
And he uses, of course, the Louis C.K.
bit where he was secretly recorded, which Ryan and I doubt.
We think he released it on purpose.
He was secretly recorded saying, of the victims of that school shooting, Parkland, saying, why did they get to be on the news?
You're not interesting.
All you did was push a fat kid out of the way.
Very offensive joke.
Pretty funny.
And Louis C.K.
is not exactly enjoying a resurgence.
He is a fucking pariah.
And for that bit that he did, he was raked over the coals.
Judd Apatow was calling him a hack.
Remember that?
When he was caught making that Parkland joke, he was crapped on.
I should have said something to him when I walked past him the other day.
You're wrong.
There's so many things you should have said.
I know, but I didn't want to be that guy.
There was too many things I could have said.
The guy you don't want to be is, can I get a selfie?
Oh, okay.
Here's the top one you should have done is, you should have said, they're the worst humanity has to offer.
You're the worst humanity has to offer.
No, no, not like that.
Oh.
You have to make fun of him for saying that all the time.
That's his go-to line.
I should have pretended I was with him.
Hey Judd, you're doing God's work out there.
Calling out a special that wasn't supposed to be released and judging somebody's... No, that's way... How do you suck at this?
But no, pretend I'm on his team and then say something very sarcastic.
Yeah, that's way too subtle.
That's probably too subtle for a tweet that people can sit down and read.
You have to keep it short and simple.
So you just go...
You're the worst.
You're the worst humanity has to offer.
Oh, I'm Judd Apatow.
Something like that.
Or, you suck dude.
Yeah, that second one's pretty nice.
This is 40 sucked.
Or, you're not funny anymore.
Any of those are great.
Short and sweet.
What you're turning into is making your wife a lesbian.
Oh my god, no.
Why?
It takes too much thought.
It means he's turning into a woman.
I'm trying to tell my kids if you ever get bullied don't try to be witty just say fuck you They're probably not being witty right Yeah, and then you get like if you can't yeah, just say fuck you you're right all right So you got to see this article as a new comedian working the circuit I'm appalled at disgusting jokes in quotes creeping back in this that's pretty rich coming from a disgusting joke crawling back into the industry He's not crawling back, he's never been.
Ah, yes.
Last month I saw Finn Taylor's new stand-up show, When Heresy Met Sally, which made light of sexual harassment, the gender pay gap, and the Me Too movement.
His intention might as well have been to make us laugh, but I found little to enjoy in this Jim Davidson tribute act.
What kind of reactionary drivel was I being subjected to in the name of comedy?
For a while I sat there seething as a room full of doubtless, well-intentioned punters were laughing along with this thinly-veiled rape apologism.
Dude, don't get into comedy.
You're a cunt.
I know I'm using a lot of swearers in this podcast, but we're gonna be getting sponsors soon and they won't let me be as rude, so I gotta get my yeah-yeahs out.
Uh, tyrants have always feared ridicule, blah blah blah.
Alt-right comedy might sound like an oxymoron, but the immensely popular, uh, but the immense popularity of internet shit posters such as PewDiePie and Sargon of Akkad.
This goes back to the Islamic thing.
You can't satisfy these people.
They think PewDiePie, you know what PewDiePie's crime was?
I'm not into gaming YouTubers, I'm 48, not fucking 8.
He did a fake Zig Heil?
And he might have done that, yeah, as a joke, but he was recommending like 40 different YouTubers, and one of them that he recommended happened to have liked some sort of potentially alt-right joke song.
And then Sargon of Akkad, what the hell did he do wrong?
I think he said he called someone N-words, or called someone Nazis, but he was making fun of Nazis, saying, you're the supposed N-words that you hate so much.
So turning their own vernacular back on them.
But he's a liberal.
They're both liberals.
And this guy, this dunce, who Independent UK, and you know, you go to Independent UK and the graphic design's very good.
So if you're not curious enough to go look up the author, you just go, oh, you imagine like some 38-year-old man with like a dress shirt on who's been doing comedy for a while speaking as a person of color in an irredeemably racist culture.
What?
And he's in Britain too.
I'm sick of being accused of hypersensitivity by straight white men who are blind to their own privilege.
Well, this is what's happening right now, my friend.
That's exactly what's going on.
I am blind to my own privilege and I am accusing you of hypersensitivity.
Um, the hallmark of a good satirist is the ability to expose the follies of the powerful and the corrupt.
Yeah, that's what the far left is.
So then he goes on to criticize Ricky Gervais for being transphobic, Dave Chappelle for being transphobic, Louis C.K.
whose career was destroyed.
And he says, and then he starts thinking about, you got to provide some good examples.
All right, so where should we be going in comedy?
Perhaps it's time for the comedy community to reflect.
Danish comedian Sophie Hagen, who I highly recommend checking out.
She's a big fat pig who talks about how people see her as a big fat pig.
Holy shit.
successfully toured with reduced anxiety performances in which all toilet facilities are gender neutral and audience members can contact her in advance if they have particular needs.
Holy shit.
Hey Sophie, I have a speech impediment due to MS and I'm in a chair.
So please avoid those subjects, at least for the Brooklyn show that's at the Tea Tree Lounge on March 3rd.
Could you write that out of your set for that particular... I know I'm speaking more articulate than before, but when I get riled up, I start to get into like a cadence, man.
Now I'm grooving.
Did I ever tell you about the horrible time?
I'm not proud of this, but I used to do a lot of, when I run an ad agency, we're always traveling, especially to LA to pitch TV shows.
And this is unethical, what I did.
I'm not advocating this.
I'm apologizing.
I've done a lot of good scams over the years that sort of mock the people for being politically correct.
Like in Montreal, I managed to get a hep C test when I was too old to get one by pretending to be gay and being really effeminate.
They pushed me to the front of the line.
When I pretended to be straight, they said, sorry, it's for 25 and under.
I was like 26 at the time.
But then I was like, hi, I'm here for like a hep C test or whatever.
Needles.
Boom needles.
So I have no problem with that.
That was that.
Fuck you.
But this isn't cool.
So we get there and we're separate.
And I hate when you get on the plane and you have to go find the guy that's in your friend's seat and say, hey, man, I'll pay you 20 bucks.
We switch and then they switch and then their bag is back there and they have a shitty middle seat.
And it's like you mean that's us.
We bought the seats together.
Yeah, we had to do that a couple times.
We bought the seats together.
Why didn't you sit us next to each other?
We don't weigh 600 pounds.
It's not like we're gonna make the plane tip to one side.
Maybe that's the cause of all this is these fucking fatties.
Maybe fatties are why they spread apart my family too.
I'll have my six-year-old...
Five rows away from me and I have to sit there negotiating with all these people.
Anyway, to avoid that pain in the ass, I would pretend to be severely handicapped.
And my buddy would come up and he'd say, hey man, I would have to say stepbrother because we don't look similar at all.
My stepbrother, and I go, hi, I'm number one!
And I'd have my wrists sort of bent in, in a lobster boy kind of way, and I'd be doing that Rain Man thing where I'm looking at the ground and swaying back and forth.
And my buddy would go, it's important that my stepbrother sits next to me.
It'd be best.
And then they'd go, oh, Jesus Christ.
And they immediately start scratching out tickets and making sure we sit together.
And so I still have to act handicapped at the gate, right?
Swaying back and forth.
And then one time, and I'm especially unproud of this one, I was walking by the flight attendant and as I passed her and she did my ticket, I said again, I held up my ticket and I went, I'm number one!
That was sort of my mantra.
It's sort of like, I am Groot.
I am Groot.
It's the only thing I could say.
Yeah.
And she goes, yes, you are.
Nice.
So she was sweet.
And the other times I've been mistaken for mentally handicapped person, like when I wear my meds gear and people aren't so sweet.
So it runs the gamut.
Anyway, we get on the plane.
And I still got to be a gimp.
For the, you know, a little while.
Again, this is a terrible thing to do, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
And I'm going to be sitting for six hours.
We want to discuss business.
We're going to pitch shows.
A lot of the times you'll sort of wait to do a lot of work for the plane ride to make it less boring.
So, you know, our company is at stake here.
I'm sorry I did this, but it worked.
Anyway, I'm sitting on the plane, and I'm bobbing back and forth, and then this handicapped guy, genuinely handicapped guy, my age, wearing a Hulk t-shirt, is with his mother.
Oh no.
He's probably 42, and he's walking the same, and his wrists are the same, and he's the real deal.
Now, my buddy considered, because she looked at us, and he probably doesn't get to meet many people, right, that are like him.
Exactly like him.
We were clones.
We both were number one.
And he considered getting up and going, does he want to sit with my stepbrother?
Because I feel like they might get along and she would probably be like, yes, I can read my book and they can talk about the Hulk.
Oh, no.
And the Avengers and stuff.
And if Superman could beat up, you know, the Flash.
And I thought if that happened, I would just take my lumps and continue to talk that way for the entire six hour flight to LA.
Holy shit.
Because that's what you do.
You know, you make a deal with the devil.
You got to pay the price and go to hell.
But then, inevitably what would happen on that plane ride is I'd sort of get bored of talking like that, and then I would slowly get better at enunciating.
And then he'd sort of be like, hey, you just said a big word.
And then I would go, yeah, you just, you have to concentrate.
Tedious.
Tedious!
And then I would slowly, over the six hours, get better and better at being normal, and then unbend my wrists.
It never happened, but it would be the most evil thing imaginable.
And then by the time the plane landed, I'd just go, well, that was easy to figure out.
It just takes some determination, and eventually you can beat this horrible disease.
I don't know what's the matter with you.
Get your shit together, man.
You gotta fight it more.
It's possible!
Yeah, you would make him think it's possible.
You'd give him hope.
Yeah, try.
I go, I don't know what, I don't know why you're not trying.
Try.
Be better.
Anyway, that was, that was a very dark moment in my life.
But let's get back to this.
So, He talks about Louis C.K.
was heard mocking non-binary identities.
Should this guy be getting involved in comedy?
It's almost like painters being obsessed with photorealism and saying that someone painted a tree where the lighting wasn't perfectly reflective of where the sun was at the time.
Don't get involved in art if you are this obsessed with rules.
Critics are pointless.
Yeah, unless they're making... But this guy's worse!
He's not just a critic, he's saying, I'm trying to get into this field and I'm disgusted by how racist and politically incorrect it is.
And then he talks about the success of Hannah Gadsby's game-changing masterpiece, Nanette.
Oh no, he does not.
Has also proven beyond doubt that woke comedy is commercially viable.
I think that's true, and I think that's bad.
And why is non-woke comedy no longer commercially viable?
And we all remember Hannah Gadsby's... I haven't watched the whole thing, obviously.
I'm male.
Insane.
But her stand-up comedy special has her saying, just in the middle of it, she goes, Why was I raped?
Why am I meant to feel unsafe around men?
And you're watching it going, uh, I think it's terrible that you're raped.
That's why it's illegal.
And we put men in jail.
And it sucks that you feel unsafe around men.
We're on the same page.
But, uh, why are you doing this on stage at a fucking comedy show?
Yeah.
Why are you talking about gang rape and PTSD, the PTSD that comes from it, as a comedy special?
She did have some jokes.
Remember that of, like, the color blue?
I guess the color blue is for boys, but it's kind of for girls too.
That's her fucking joke.
Really?
Yeah.
The sky's blue.
When you're sad, you feel blue.
Blue's not a boy's color.
It's like, bitch, shut up.
Yeah, and that's not a thing.
That's the other thing that annoys me about all this super lefty stuff.
They're talking about the 50s.
Like they go, you shouldn't beat your kid just because he's gay.
It's okay to be gay, you know?
You're not a fucking monster if you're gay.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, and the color blue and pink, like, guys wear pink all the time.
It's kind of like a chic thing to do.
You know, rappers, ultra-masculine people, they wear pink for fun.
Yeah.
They wear all, the whole team.
Look at Diplo.
The Harlem Diplo, not the DJ.
So this goes on and on, I don't know how long I should spend on this, but the battle for equality will not be won by activists alone.
We all need to play our part.
Sometimes this will mean risking the accusation of being a prude or a killjoy.
Anyway, he gets into the latest, this is the important part here, the latest government guidelines would now, hold on I gotta get the right accent, The latest government guidelines would now seem to confirm that this kind of Islamophobia, dressed up as humour, should be subject to investigation.
It simply isn't good enough for comedians to cry free speech after every hateful joke as though the laws that govern the rest of us don't apply to them.
He's a fag!
I didn't say it.
We need to make these jokes illegal.
Free speech does not include hate speech, which is the biggest misconception of the past three years.
Free speech includes all speech.
It is not reserved for whether the Rolling Stones are better than the Beatles, and yes, they are.
Oh, by the way, speaking of people preaching, the comedians preaching, I also meant to mention all these ex-Nazis like Christopher Picciolini.
I talked about this on another podcast.
But where these guys used to be Nazi skinheads and then they, you know, they're reformed and then they start these TV shows or these talks where they tell the rest of us what's wrong with hate.
And you're sitting there going, I've never, I've never fag bashed or spray painted a swastika anywhere.
You did.
And now you're telling me how to live my life?
This is what I don't get.
We need to have some respect for our elders at the very least.
Why are millennials telling us what's right and wrong about life?
It's, it's amazing the millennial splaining I go through every day and there'll be fucking typos in the instructions.
Okay, should we get to the scrotum?
Of course.
Oh, we have a couple other things.
Justin Trudeau is on the front page of Breitbart.
I've never seen a Canadian on the front page of Breitbart, and he's in trouble because He's trying to get a contract in Libya, some massive Canadian government contract that would provide thousands of jobs.
I can't believe I'm defending Justin Trudeau.
And Qaddafi's son is, I guess, running that country now.
What a complete shithole Libya is.
We told Qaddafi that if he cooperated we wouldn't depose him, and then we deposed him right after he cooperated.
We suck!
You know the guy who got Osama Bin Laden?
He did it with the little pap smear, whatever you call it, little mouth thing.
He said he was curing this disease that's going around.
He needed everyone's, you know, spit.
Oh.
And that's where he got Osama Bin Laden's DNA.
Oh shit.
Wow, I had no idea.
And so we got him, we got Bin Laden, the doctor said, hey guys, you're welcome, and then we went, fuck you, and left him to rot in a Pakistani prison, which I'm sure is 99.99, it's probably 100% Muslim.
And that guy is the guy who helped the Americans kill, people don't understand too, in Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden is a rock star.
Like you wear Osama Bin Laden t-shirts.
He is their JFK.
And this guy helped him get killed.
I'm sure he's dead now.
He probably gets raped with a fucking broken stick five times a day.
What?
Could we not have put him on a plane?
We do the same to our interpreters.
We just go, Hey, thanks for interpreting what the jihadists are doing anyway.
Bye.
And they're left there to get beheaded, which happens all the time.
Anyway, uh, uh, Wait, what was I talking about?
Maybe because you can't trust a trader though.
If you bring them back here, they're just a fickle trader person.
What?
Yes, you can bring back a traitor.
When they're a traitor against ISIS, they're a good traitor.
Meanwhile, we're talking about bringing back that British chick who went over, joined ISIS, fucked about five different guys, has all these different kids with ISIS guys, and they're saying she wants to come back and she's willing to do jail time.
Oh, that's great, thanks.
By the way, the punishment for treason is murder.
I mean, capital punishment.
We kill traitors.
That's in the law books.
So, okay, I'm happy to have her come back if she gets killed.
Like, John Walker was his name, John Walker Lynd, the other guy, the bearded white guy terrorist, he came back and he didn't get the death penalty.
The deal is, if you're a traitor and you start shooting American soldiers, you die.
And the reason we don't want her back is because she'll bring her jihadist sons.
And you know that the fathers will eventually have some dumb rule where they're allowed to visit their sons.
Like the guy, what was the Canadian guy we brought back, who Justin Trudeau awarded him 10 million dollars, Omar Khadr.
He tried to kill many Canadian and American Marines.
I think he blinded one of them in one eye.
And we air-helicoptered him to some German hospital, cured him, and then felt so bad for putting him in Abu Ghraib that the Prime Minister awarded him $10 million for the inconvenience of being held captive as a POW.
Meanwhile, his sister funds Jihad.
So he just gives the $10 million to the sister and he goes back to killing more Americans and Canadians.
Anyway, that's a much more egregious crime for Trudeau than this new thing that's getting him all over the news.
He apparently had Gaddafi's son, who runs Libya, in Montreal to learn English, which is bizarre.
That's like going to Oklahoma to learn how to rap.
They send it to Montreal.
Hey, I like the way that your hair moves around in the hair.
Hey, my name is Gaddafi and I went to Montreal to learn how to speak the English.
And now I am the English speaker and I know how to say all the words that the people in Quebec say.
And I talk to the Prime Minister about what we are doing with the retard.
But he also Trudeau got him prostitutes lots of prostitutes and He got caught by some broad Who was the Attorney General at the time?
I have a strange take on this you ready for this Mm-hmm bitch shut up So she's a former Attorney General and her name is Justice Minister Jordi Wilson-Reboul.
And she was outraged that this corruption was going on and tried to expose it.
Trudeau said, put some pressure on her with his top guys and said, bitch, you need to fucking chill out and don't worry about the prostitutes and drop this, okay?
It's something like...
5,000 Canadian jobs.
It's good for the economy.
Just cool it with the fucking whores, okay?
He's from North Africa.
It's a shithole.
They don't have the same things.
What am I gonna do?
Get him a lemon meringue pie?
They don't want that.
And Montreal is so sex positive, it's kind of gross.
Like prostitution there isn't really normal prostitution.
It's like, um...
It's just like there's jack shacks everywhere.
You go to a strip club in Montreal and the woman doesn't have high heel shoes on, she's barefoot, and she's just the farmer's daughter who, you know, comes from a very libidinous background.
Which kind of ruins it for me.
I don't go to strip clubs ever since I had a daughter, but back when I did, I wanted her to be a little tarnished, like a Puerto Rican single mom with shitty tattoos and droopy tits and maybe like a bleeding toe.
I spent about 200 bucks once on this fat Asian chick in Montreal at a disgusting strip club called Cafe Cleopat, and she had white fishnets that were red near her toe because she stubbed her toe and it was bleeding a little bit.
on the white fishnets.
And it was just so ghetto that I was in heaven.
But yeah, I love seeing my enemies destroyed and I love seeing the women who voted for Trudeau realize that he's just like any other politician.
But in the grand scheme of things, you're a world power, You got the second biggest country landmass wise in the world.
You couldn't get a death spots and prostitutes.
Sorry.
I mean, you're hoisted on your own petard, Justin, you dumb drama teacher.
But it's sort of like when, uh, when, um, the, the VP Joe Biden's son was caught doing cocaine.
I said, I don't want to live in an America where the vice president's son isn't doing cocaine.
I mean, I don't think people understand that we're dealing with high stakes here.
You know, if you want to have beef with Justin Trudeau, focus on the $10 million he gave to a terrorist.
Or with, was it Clinton?
No, George W. Bush, where in Iraq they lost a pallet of money that was worth something like $3 billion.
Just cash.
They lost it.
There is a major problem.
Talk about the tens of thousands of deaths in unnecessary wars or attacks, or when Obama sends down illegal guns to Mexico, him and Eric Holder shave off the serial numbers, remember Fast and Furious, to make guns look bad, and now you're having major killings with these drug cartels warring because they have state-of-the-art weapons that we sent them.
That's a valid beef.
But this shit about, like, Trump said a pussy joke on a bus 10 years ago, or someone said he was racist who has a history of compulsive lying, or Trudeau got some disgusting death spot at some prostitutes.
Big fucking deal.
This goes back to the pussification of America.
Pussification.
It's a very serious pussification.
I also wanted to mention Alex Jones was on Joe Rogan.
And I haven't watched it yet.
They talked about Sandy Hook.
Which, the Sandy Hook thing, yes.
Ridiculous blunder on Alex's part.
Even thinking for a second that it could be fake.
But that was seven years ago.
Why is everyone bringing that up now?
I'll tell you why.
Because there is a war on anyone on the right, and they'll dig up anything.
I could have had an affair 15 years ago, and I'd get kicked off of Facebook for infidelity.
I mean, the fact that they're going after Michelle Malkin because she was blasphemous to Pakistanis by showing Muhammad cartoons shows you that it's not about the substance.
Muhammad cartoons are everywhere, by the way.
It's about shutting down the right on social media before the elections to make Trump lose and it won't affect whether Trump wins or not because it's just making people pissed off these these fucking Lefties they keep digging their own grave like supporting infanticide and saying yeah abortions are okay a day after the baby's born But I thought that I don't want to hear about Sandy Hook I wanted to hear about Alex Jones said Joe Rogan is a patsy for for Twitter and
Did they get, did they address that?
That's the hot gossip.
Alex Jones and Joe Rogan had a good hang.
And then I, I believe Alex believes that Joe Rogan was talking shit about him.
And then Joe Rogan, and then Alex started talking shit about Joe Rogan.
That's when I love seeing two dudes get together where they say, what the fuck did you say about me?
Of course, the big takeaway from the interview is Alex Jones saying, I gotta admit, I'm a bit of a retard.
I'm a little retarded.
Do you have that clip?
Yeah.
Dig that up.
So check that out, folks at home.
His podcast, Joe and Alex's podcast regularly cracked 10 million.
And iTunes refuses to acknowledge that.
So you'll see, they'll list Joe Rogan's top podcasts, and many of them will have numbers that are 3 million, 1.5 million, a fraction of what Alex Jones's are, yet the Alex Jones ones don't register.
And we just, by the way, this sounds like conspiracy theory shit, but this has all been exploding over the past few days.
I'm glad I remembered to mention this.
Project Veritas just discovered that Facebook was developing all these weird algorithms to kill Mike Cernovich.
Not literally murder him, but make emojis impossible, and forwarding impossible, and all these other different things impossible.
And then there was a quote by Mr. Nashington, Charlie Nash.
Lead Facebook engineers proposed a system to identify trolls, which they alleged could be identified by their use of the words Zookt, Normie, MSM, and REEE.
If you're not on the...
And learn to code.
Learn to code and non-playable character.
Chatelet.
Chatelet!
That was a doozy.
Yeah.
A Pepe song that mocks the left.
If you type in Chatelet, it'll get you shadowbanned on Facebook.
It's called a fucking joke.
All of these things.
Normie, Zucht.
Zucht just means Mark Zuckerberg kicked me off.
You cannot say that.
And it's funny that the previous Liam Evans kid, the comedian who's working the circuit, he said satire is an important way to speak truth to power and to talk about the tyranny of a society.
And here we see criticizing Mark Zuckerberg gets you banned, even if you discuss your ban.
So who's in control?
Who wields the power here?
Got Alex Jones.
They then proposed secretly glitching their accounts and stopping them from commenting.
Very juicy stuff.
I'm going to be honest with you.
you.
I'm kind of retarded.
In that...
That's the thing about Alex Jones.
You go for steak with him and the guy is funny.
Dude, he's hilarious.
He's very funny and he's very quiet.
Oh really?
Yeah.
I've been out for dinner with him a few times and he's not a gregarious guy.
He's not the guy.
On TV.
And you know, I'm not saying he's a character and he's faking.
On TV, he is just bombastic and exciting because he wants you to get your money's worth.
But when you go get a steak with him, which he'll pay the most expensive steaks you'll ever have.
Fucking delicious shit.
He's just a quiet, funny guy in a really fast car that likes to rev the engine.
Okay.
So we're almost done the show.
I think it's time to get into what I like to call a new segment of the show that's called The Scrotum.
Ah.
You get it?
No.
Um, it's a mail bag.
Ah, yes.
It's a mail bag.
Oh!
You write me letters, they're in the mail bag.
My balls are a mail bag.
Anthony does it way better.
Anthony does it better than Andrew Dice Clay.
I gotta say, I'm not a character guy.
You don't like to play?
Well, Larry the Cable Guy, I think, is a good comedian.
That's a character, so maybe that's an exception, but just be yourself.
I mean, I guess I'm a character with Miles McInnes.
What?
I mean, my brother.
Nothing!
Okay, let's go through the scrum.
The guy said, uh, I just got back from Pamela Anderson's house and boy are my barbs wired.
I love that, yeah.
I don't know why I hate that one, but I just did.
So he was hurt.
And he sent me one his 10 year old daughter came up with.
I just finished hanging lost dog posters all day and boy are my arms flyers.
Again, I don't know why that sucks, but it does.
Your 10 year old daughter, uh, fucked up.
The farms mired is... I feel like it has to be both arms and tired have to be used.
You can't just, or else you just come up with puns for tired.
I just flotflakflumflameca and boy are my flarms flired.
I just flew back from- this is another guy, Phil.
I won't say people's full names.
I just flew back from a fist fight with a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow in Ireland and boy are my charms acquired.
That, I think, would have been good.
You could kill at the end of a rainbow in Ireland.
Yeah, that's wordy.
All you need is, I just flew back from a fist fight with a leprechaun and boy are my charms acquired.
What else do we got here?
That one's boring.
Oh, okay, you ready for some abuse?
Yep, yep.
Alright, it's from Aaron.
Les Ryan, please.
He's a great guy, but you're correct when you yell at him for not being good at talking.
That's a big part of a person.
Talking.
The way in which they speak.
What else is there?
No one talks about whether you eat okay or you shit okay.
My friend John did a video on me.
And he's going into how I'm a woman, because I said I was going to do a podcast with him and I didn't.
Is that a woman thing?
He was like, I don't... Well, no, I guess I flaked out and he was like, Ryan's a woman.
But neat.dreams is his thing.
Anyway, he goes into it and then he says that, I don't know, he's not good at talking or whatever.
He might have pheromones that just come off him.
Why does he get any gig whatsoever?
Yeah.
How does he get anywhere?
You don't get gigs.
You get to be on Bill Shultz's show and entertain the eight people who watch it.
I'm pretty happy with my level of success.
Bless you.
He's just not ready to be allowed to talk whenever he wants.
He never makes any sense, which I believe you just proved.
Yes.
Another guy named Craig sent in, I just got back from a pyromaniac convention and boy are my arms fires.
I've got an orthodox Jew here who I was talking about that woman on the bus in Disney World or Disneyland.
Apparently that's a big deal to get those wrong with the Disney people.
Because she was sitting on the ground with her daughter, and he assumed she was a babysitter.
He said, why are these childless babysitters whose job is owning the mag guys on Twitter always so tired?
They're just constantly exhausted, quote-unquote sick of dealing with racists on the daily, and just generally low energy.
Part of their inability to argue is that when you hit a point, they don't know, they just go back to being a toddler who's up past your bedtime having a tired spell.
Anyway, he goes on and on and on, and he's got a point.
When you talk to these feminists online, they always have this, ugh, humdrum, ugh.
I remember that in college, too.
Every time two people would say, hey, how you doing?
They'd just go, ugh, I'm so tired.
I need a coffee or something.
I don't know what it is, too.
I had like nine hours of sleep last night.
I heard that sentence, sentences, maybe 1,000 times when I was in university.
I never understood it, too.
Maybe there's a way, I think it maybe means I'm sensing that I'm being socially awkward right now.
So I'm going to explain it away by pretending I'm not myself right now.
I'm not at my best.
Yeah, I don't know.
I know I'm sucking right now, I'm just really tired.
I don't think there's any time when people are more insecure than when they're in college.
Like they say when you're in your teens, you're getting a new body every week.
You better not be vaping.
I'm not.
Yeah, you're getting a new body every week.
Just do anything?
You know, college students are the ones who made up that whole interrogative tone, where you go, I feel like I'm maybe like, not that intelligent right now.
And I have to make every statement sound interrogative by coming up at the end.
I think New Zealand people made that up.
That's New Zealand?
Yeah, they always do that.
And at the end of their sentences?
I thought of a fun way to piss off people in New Zealand.
Tell them that they're in Australia.
Ooh.
Because there's Australia the country and Australia the continent.
And they are technically in the continent of Australia.
So when they go, we're not in Australia, we're seven hours away by plane.
And you go, no, you're in Australia.
That probably pissed them off.
Nah, you're Indians.
Another Louis CK joke.
I've noticed people get really pissed too when you tell them how to pronounce their name or you tell them that their name is spelled wrong.
Like Steven Crowder's dad is named Darren and it's a weird spelling.
Like a Y?
D-A-R-R-E-N or something.
No, I-N.
And I was like, he's always very congenial.
But I go, nah, pretty sure it's E-N.
And he goes, I know how to spell my name.
I don't think you do.
It's been around a while, my friend, and it is an EN name.
No, it's not.
At any rate...
Okay, here's one from a guy named Andrew.
I just flew back from the never-going-to-be-president Democratic convention, and boy are my toms styred.
Oh, jeez.
You know what I'm realizing now?
I like it, though.
This is an art.
It's sort of like rating girls from 1 to 10.
You think it's a science, because hotternot.com, there'd be like 350,000 people that called this girl a 7.4, so it seems Like it's a science, but you know pop songs are incredibly popular.
That doesn't mean you can scientifically quantify what makes them good.
Yeah, there's no science to this.
I just made one up.
Tell me what you think.
Okay.
I just got back from filing out application for my limbs and boy are my arms hired.
Yeah.
I mean it works.
Yeah.
Just doesn't do the trick.
If you were going to an arm wrestling convention, that would be okay, but now you have the word arms twice in a joke, and for some reason you're not allowed to have the same word twice in a joke.
Wait, did I?
No, I know, I know.
I'm trying to prove it, though.
I just got back from filing out a limb application.
I said limbs instead of arms.
Oh, here's a good one.
This is from a guy named Joe.
Go back to Compound for fuck's sake, the idea of you having your own paid sub-site is retarded!
Nobody wants to pay multiple companies.
Compound could help raise the prices, blah blah blah.
Even Reddit agrees, and he sends me a link on Reddit that has, why isn't Gavin going back to Compound Media, and has three comments.
So, this is what I mean about these guys.
Like, I've started a million companies, made millions and millions of dollars, and some child named Joe is telling me how to conduct my career.
Look at this guy.
Okay, here's a Ryan diss.
Oh, we're almost done.
Gavin.
This is called, the subject is Ryan's laugh.
From a guy named Tony.
Gavin, please, for the love of God, forbid Ryan from laughing during the pod.
It's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Obviously, you're funny.
I mean, that is obvious.
And I can't really blame him for cracking up, but for fuck's sakes, man, it's worse than nails on a chalkboard.
He sounds like a retard who's, spelled wrong, just got, I love when people have a typo.
Like Nick Oakes, the Proud Boy, who said, I go to a SJW college, Where everyone's an idiot, and he spelled college collage.
And calls somebody an idiot right afterwards?
Yeah, well he didn't literally say idiot, but it was like making fun of his collage and how stupid everyone is.
Uh, sounds like a retard.
Who's, W-H-O-S-E.
Uh, who's is an abbreviation of who has.
So you just go W-H-O apostrophe S. Just got given a piece of candy or something, and I'd prefer not to hate him with everything I have.
Thanks.
Guy writing about being in Disneyland.
He said that he liked it.
Roller coasters are fun.
He said he hated show tunes and that childless couples were everywhere.
That is true, it is disturbing how many childless couples are at Disneyland.
That, I mean I like the fact that it's families and they like family values and they like to be in a Howard Stern free zone where there's no fucking dick jokes and everything is clean and wholesome.
I get that and I appreciate that.
But when you don't have kids and you're just a Disney buff and you have a Mickey Mouse ankle tattoo, like some of them are sort of nu metal looking.
They'd have like gauges and shit and Mickey Mouse shirts on and we got this app that would show you how long the lineups were and my wife was showing me at 1130 it was jammed like there was still tons of people and still different lineups and oh this rides down to about five minute wait.
So there's a bunch of people there, and there's no booze at the Magic Kingdom.
And they check you for liquids when you walk in.
So there's a bunch of sober adults running around Disneyland.
Actually, that's how the Proud Boys started.
Ben Ratner, the engineer at Kumia's show, was a virgin, 24-year-old virgin, who I was trying to make into a man, and he went to Disneyland with his fucking friends, a bunch of 24-year-olds, And there was no fucking Timmy Head.
And some of them were girls.
How autistic is that?
That's pure Asperger's.
Wow, that was gross.
What's that from?
I don't know.
On a soundboard?
There's a guy saying, wow, that was gross.
Oh, you know what it's from?
A singing competition show.
And these guys were just like, doo-wop, doo-doo.
And they finished their song.
And the guy staring at him, he's like, that was gross.
They just tried their best.
He's like, fuck you.
Some guy enjoyed My Dad, the podcast with the dad.
And he was reminded of A story that I'll just repeat here that I've told a million times about how I realized my dad's really smart and we don't talk enough.
I don't take advantage of his giant library brain enough.
So we were at a Thai restaurant where they're all dressed up with the little, you know, neck collars and I said, uh, Dad, what's the deal with Thailand?
Is it a monarchy or they have a king still?
What's the deal?
How old is that country?
Is it Buddhist?
I don't know much about Thailand besides, you know.
And he interrupts me and he goes, Well, let's see.
You can fuck a child for the price of a pint.
So that should usually tell you that level of shithole we're dealing with.
And he yelled that at a Thai restaurant where He's got a very elegant, soothing voice.
from that particular reputation.
And that's when I stopped treating him like an encyclopedia.
I went back to treating him like a rescue pit that I got who's missing one ear from a dog fight.
He's got a very elegant, soothing voice.
I was noticing on the podcast, well, you had a waterbed and you thought it was a good idea.
Yeah, it's kind of like Ezra.
Fill it up.
Yeah, well.
But you have to understand that he's a Glaswegian monster criminal.
Yeah.
Violent asshole.
Monster criminal, violent asshole.
Yeah.
So when he's being recorded, you'll notice this with all mobsters and murderers too.
They're like, hello.
Oh, I'm very enchanted to be on your podcast.
If I could tell you something that I would recommend that you have maybe some hors d'oeuvres when you walk into the studio, you know, little peanuts or something like that.
They start getting more aggressive.
They never leave eye contact.
Yeah, you know he's at a bar with his friends going, here's the deal with Tony.
I don't want him to just get fucking stabbed with an ice pick.
I want you to reach up his ass, grab his fucking, I don't know what's up there, is the rectum a thing?
And just fucking rip it out.
Then his wife walks in, hey honey, how you doing there?
Take a seat.
You usually do not enter this bar.
This is more of a guy's bar.
How about you wait outside and I would love to talk to you out there.
That's my dad.
How are you my boy?
Alright, this is another example of millennial-splaining.
So this is from Kevin.
He goes, leftists are ugly, sad, and deranged people, screaming loudly at a baby, blah, blah, blah, taking advantage of rich, white, middle-class women's motherly instincts.
Screaming really loud like a baby and taking advantage of motherly instincts.
So then he goes, solution.
Give those women something more important to worry about.
Diseases.
Sort by the average age of death of the disease.
So focus first on diseases that kill babies.
Then scream really loudly about those and drown out the ugly, sad, deranged people.
And more focus on those diseases is actually a good thing.
Even if it's a bumbling government funding it, blah, blah, blah, blah.
So that is the weirdest advice I've ever received.
What's the number one death for babies?
Me.
Asphyxiation?
Abortion?
Low birth weight.
All right, so he wants us to go to a rally and say, low birth weight!
We need to help babies with low birth weight!
And that's gonna shut up insane social justice warriors?
What a shitty, stupid, terrible, even in a movie, I'd go, this writer sucks.
Kevin, you're a tard, okay?
If you're going to give advice, have tried it out at least once or twice.
You talk like a f**k and your s**t's all retarded.
It's like, uh, you don't have to beep those anymore.
It's like, um, uh, Bill Hicks said when he said, you know, LSD made someone jump off a building because they thought they could fly.
And Bill Hicks goes, big deal!
We lost a moron!
Why didn't he try it out on the ground first?
Right.
Get a running start.
Get good at it.
You don't want to start at the top of a building.
Similarly, when you're giving advice, maybe have tried it once.
Dylan would like me to do a podcast with me mum.
Oh yeah, Pete Clownworld, the demand for having the McInnis couple, my parents, telling the Germans the truth about their failed country.
Now, after I did the podcast with my parents, we met another German couple in a hotel.
We were at this spring training hotel, Gardens Inn or something.
Did you just have a vape?
No, it was a toothpick.
No it wasn't.
Why are you exhaling weird then?
Zero vape.
That was a toothpick I just threw in there, but I thought it was old.
All right.
So, um, this was the weirdest German couple I ever met.
They were old, Heidi and fucking Hans or something.
And they go, yes, well, the trouble with Germany, of course, is Islam is seemingly incompatible.
And, you know, it's getting worse and worse.
And I think we're reaching a point of no return, you know, with Germany and especially we live in Berlin.
And I think it's getting quite bad in Berlin.
What the hell were they doing in Port St.
Lucie?
They're not Mets fans.
Let's go to a random Florida town in March that has nothing but strip malls and not much of a beach because it's too cold to swim.
Maybe because it's Disney, because Disney's very Germanic.
Disney's miles from- Like you said, it's two hours from- Oh.
That's Orlando.
But thank you for your two cents, Millennial.
So I'm talking to them and they're talking about Islam, aren't there problems there?
And then he said, and I go, well, you know, that's the problem with Merkel.
She's childless and she doesn't care.
Oh, Merkel is a genius.
Uh-oh.
I said, pardonnez-moi?
They go, no, Merkel's very intelligent.
The problem with her is that she's Christian.
What?
She's the head of the Communist Party.
No, that's not true.
Yes, when she was a young girl, she was the head of the Communist Youth Brigade or whatever.
No, absolutely not.
What?
That's just a fact.
No, it is not.
That's a rumor.
That's not true.
Okay.
You think she's... Yes, she's very smart.
Unfortunately, her parents are quite Christian and they made it such that she wants to make up for all the terrible things Germany has done.
So she lets too many refugees in perchance, but she's very... What the fuck?
How are you staring in the face of the problem and going, Merkel, I love you.
You're so intelligent, but maybe it's like Merkel is responsible for this problem.
Germans are so fucking frustrating.
You know, when you live, when you, I've lived in a lot of different countries and done a lot of traveling and when you meet different people and you, maybe you date a chick in Germany and you go, you know what?
We're kind of the same.
We're just have different accents.
And then a few days go by, maybe a week, and you go, yeah, we are inexorably different down to our spines.
That's why when I say the West is the best, I'm taking a big shit on fucking like, actually, I guess Germany is included in the West, but people that would seemingly be Western.
Like, fuck them all.
I don't give a shit about Venezuela.
Why are we talking about going over there?
They democratically elected a loser, and their country sucks.
Sorry.
It's like student loans.
You signed up for it.
Sorry.
All right, I'm starting to get mad.
This is the last of the scrotum, last of the mailbag.
If there's another Ryan Diss when I have a Ryan, I have a pro Ryan, uh, voicemail comment thing from my Instagram.
Oh, here we go.
You want to hear it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I should, I should acknowledge maybe some are jealous cause they, they love me and they wish they were my sidekick.
Yeah, I literally got a message the other day, I would love to sit in the back of an Uber with Gavin.
I was like, it's not that great.
It's fucking hilarious when he did the, it's just, you know, that's very fanboyish thing to say.
I don't want to sit in the back of Uber with anybody.
Yeah.
I've noticed with fans, their enemies are very similar to, and they want to fight you.
So some guy will be like stalking me and I'll just ignore him and he'll send me stuff.
I want to send you my book or I want to send you something.
I just keep ignoring him.
And he's like, help.
I'd like to fight you.
Yeah.
Fight you for charity.
We give the money to charity, which is kind of gay.
Cause it's like, I want to get physically close to you and you, you make me so emotional.
I want to grab you and shake you.
Eminem Stan.
But yeah, that video of the Uber thing is on my Patreon.
Can I plug that?
I guess.
Why don't you plug the fact that you're a homeless man with a hat on the sidewalk and a cardboard sign that says, any little bit helps?
Well, I'm providing content that is exclusive to this.
There's things you won't see.
Oh, okay, so you're different.
You're like the homeless man with a monkey and a little organ grinder who will do a trick.
I'll tell you a secret if you give me a dollar.
He's a juggling hobo.
Yeah.
You wanna hear this guy?
Sure.
Dude, for real.
What the fuck is Gavin's problem?
Like, tell him to stop fucking belittling you on a fucking podcast before I have to come and fucking give him a proper English head kicking and kick his fucking teeth in, mate.
Yeah?
You have valuable contributions and he always fucking belittles what you have to say.
Tell him, as a fan, Let Ryan Katsu Rivera fucking speak.
That's me.
When you chime in, I like it.
I like what you have to say.
And he's always fucking insulting you.
Tell him to fucking relax.
Hey, are you fucking relaxed?
What did we do to the English accent?
Is that Jim Bear Grylls?
Tell him that I like when you talk.
Yeah?
I like when you talk.
You're not from the area.
That's my favorite part.
You're not from the borough.
You're not from the ends.
It's such a simple statement.
When you talk, I like it.
I'm like, that is such a simple, caveman-ish way to say... Whatever happened to East London?
What are you doing?
Don't muck about!
That's done.
Now it's this weird Jamaican, like, pirate radio, you know, the streets kind of guys, like Dizzy Rascal and all that shit.
You're fit and I like it?
Yeah.
Who ate all the pies?
All right, so that's a nice one from someone who lives in a council estate in East London that you had, a Croydon maybe, that you had to, you played me that like a year ago.
So you had to travel halfway around the world and dig up something that was basically an antique to find a compliment.
But okay, Indiana Jones, you're the Indiana Jones of compliments.
You find them in some abandoned ark in the Aztec forest and then a giant boulder's chasing you.
I like you, Bear Grylls.
Sorry for laughing like a retard.
No, wait, Bear Grylls is the survivalist.
Bear Gyalls means lots of girls.
Bear Gyalls.
Um, okay, here we go.
Last thing of the scrotum.
Your most recent podcast with people walking around and making noise was 10 times better than the previous one.
So that's the one I did at the Hard Rock Cafe, Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando.
Uh, so much better than the previous one with Ryan blabbering and sucking on his stupid vape.
By the way, folks at home, he does that on the show occasionally.
I work with him in the studio.
I hear all day.
I don't give too much of a ****.
So then he vapes, and then, being Asian, he'll have hot soup noodles and some hot tea.
So if he's not going... And he's a chain smoker.
I mean, it's all fucking morning with the... And then finally, okay, lunch comes around.
And then the noodles come and it's... And then the tea is all...
And he goes, I'm Asian.
It shows how we appreciate our food.
Meanwhile, your fucking Japanese dad walked out on you when you were like an embryo.
Yeah, he left me the one thing that would annoy you.
No, he didn't leave you shit, dude.
The only thing Asian about you is your slopey eyes.
You're a Puerto Rican, and Puerto Ricans don't get a slope pass.
I mean a slurp pass.
Slope pass.
It's the funniest mistake I ever made.
Oh shit, I gotta tell you.
I'm at boxing, and we're doing this Strength and Conditioning Day, which is just a way to turn your thighs into AIDS, where you walk like a geriatric for the next two days.
I don't know why we gotta make our legs so strong.
I already have Superman's legs.
I have Superman's legs and Grover's upper body.
Can we develop the arms, please?
But anyway, I'm with some Irish blue-collar dude, a real bonafide boxer, you know, broken nose type of look.
We were doing yoga at the end.
And I go, like, we're doing upward dog and stuff.
And I go, hey, coach, isn't this for girls?
And some other guy jokes, he says, yeah, just say namaste.
And then the Irish guy next to me, he mumbles, yeah, namaste away from this fucking class.
Dude, that's fuck and it was like I don't want to ruin jokes by overanalyzing but not knows it.
I'm a stay away.
It's nah I'm uh, so it's like doing ebonics in the Nama not now.
I'm a stay away from this fuck.
What was the timing of?
Mumbled it to like now I'm gonna stay away from this fucking class.
It's hilarious.
I fucking did a Ryan retard laugh And then this Puerto Rican guy goes, oh we joking now I Which I thought was a really weird response.
Yeah, that was very weird.
Either laugh or don't laugh, but don't say, oh, are we joking now?
Anyway, fucking brilliant line, Shug, if you're listening.
All right.
I think at one point he even pissed with his mic on.
Ryan was, past tense, cool and funny when you guys did CRTV shows, as you kept him in check.
But allowing him to pretend he's a co-host is the worst thing for you guys moving forward.
It keeps going.
Imagine typing out all of this.
Yeah, he does not like me.
I hear you tell him all the time to stop, but he's talking more and more.
How many times is he going to say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?
And let's not forget the annoying, hmm, after he inhales.
Sorry to bash on you Ryan, but stick to the funny impersonations and let Gavin do what he's been doing for years Short concise and confident speaking are not in your wheelhouse Maybe actually listen to the podcast as well.
So you can comprehend when Gavin repeats the story.
Oh, is that it?
Is that a diss on me?
Yeah, I think I'm supposed to be see the heat.
I'm not a co-host.
I'm not nothing I shouldn't talk but I should reel you in when you repeat stories and Yeah, OK, that's what he's saying.
You made this argument a long time ago.
I want to make the argument for repeating stories.
Yeah, me too.
It makes it iconic.
The Stones play satisfaction at every show.
I've heard Anthony Cumia talk about that chick Bubbles, or whatever her name was, who lost his virginity to.
Buzz.
Buzz.
I don't want to hear it every day, but I can hear him tell that story.
Once every couple months and it's kind of relaxing.
Yes it is.
It's cathartic and now other people know that story so they can tell other people.
It shares your legacy.
That's how you build a legacy.
Memorability.
I don't know about that.
No, it makes it memorable, I think.
Like, the story about me pretending I was handicapped, I've told that a million times.
But, like, I was hanging out with my dad, who's 75, and 100% of the stories he told for the four days we were together, I'd heard.
In fact, I would say, my joke is like, oh, I remember this one, it's story 37B.
But he'd still continue to tell it anyway.
That doesn't stop the story, yeah.
Because he's like, fuck you, I enjoy telling this story a lot.
I don't think I talk too much in this one.
Okay, this is the end.
And lastly, holy shit at Crowder crying like a baby over his dog.
It was on your third chair appearance and I can only hope you had to listen to it live.
Does he know he can have an actual child?
Thanks for the bitch session.
Oh, I'm not gonna pick on someone whose dog is dying.
But I gotta say, I think dogs are a substitute for kids and I unfortunately lack empathy when I see people feeling bad about their dog.
Like I remember when I was a kid, dogs weren't allowed in the house.
And if I remember this, this dog bit my neighbor's face, like the neighbor's dog bit that same neighbor, the girl, and they just took her out the dog out back and shot it with a 22.
There was no, then they took her to the hospital.
That was the end of that.
I don't know.
It's a different world.
Um, We're done now, so if you were adding something to the very end of the show... No, don't pay attention to it.
So you sent me an inside joke that I can't say on the air to end the show.
And we're in the scrotum here, in the mailbag, and they're talking about how you wrecked the show.
And you ended it by wrecking the show.
I do feel bad about that, but... Alright, that's it for the show.
