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Jan. 21, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
47:26
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #105 | So my son called the cops last night

Gavin's son calls the police. The floor can't be lava. Ryan has tons of parking tickets. Boxing talk, and Ryan wants to get a body blow. Salesmen are pretty skilled. Gavin loses a friend over James Gandolfini's death. Ryan can't tell a story. The soundboard is analyzed. Sex with Oprah. Scary movies. Letting your sexuality define you.    PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY! https://survey.libsyn.com/getoffmylawnpod

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Time Text
So my son called the cops last night.
You know why?
This really happened?
Yes.
My son, my five-year-old son, actually... Oh, Johnny?
Johnny Buffalo, six years old.
He called the fucking cops.
You know why?
Why?
Because his babysitter said, no, you're not... I'm told you're not allowed to watch TV.
And he's just like, you know what?
Fuck this.
He goes downstairs.
Wow!
We have a rotary phone where he can call my wife and stuff.
So he knows her number, he knows my number, and he knows 911.
As all parents should teach their kids to know 9-1-1.
He's like, no, no, no, we're not.
I'm fucking done with this shit.
9-1-1, hey, yeah, some whore isn't letting me watch TV.
Her name's, I won't say her name, but I don't think he exactly framed it that way.
Oh, I know what happened.
So she runs down and she thinks he's bluffing.
She runs down and she hits the off button, right?
And we got good cops in our town, and they show up.
Wow.
And you know what they did?
What?
They beat the shit out of her.
They said, he watches TV whenever he wants, bitch.
He likes gumball.
And you took that away from him?
Are you stupid?
He's five, lady.
Yeah.
Do you even know what his favorite shows are?
He likes gumball.
He likes Loud House.
And you're not the boss of him.
And then my son high-fived him.
No, he, uh, the cops, um, were not impressed.
I think I have to pay a fine for that too.
Cause isn't that, wait a minute.
Does that falsely count as dialing 911?
Yeah, I think so.
If you're six?
Like, did I do something wrong?
You know what I mean?
The people who call 9-1-1 on Burger King and they say, hey, they said that we're going to have specials here, but there's no chicken wings.
That was KFC.
Yeah, they said they were going to have free chicken and they ran out of chicken.
And so people called 911.
By the way, what are the cops supposed to do?
Get more chicken now!
Just like get it, I don't know.
Yeah, let me see your invoice.
Call your suppliers now!
I think people think cops are like calling your big brother, you know, when like somebody wants to fight you.
Well, I think in the hood, a lot of people just see it as another gang.
They're the blues.
There's the Bloods, Crips, DDP, Chingalings, Mongols.
And then there's the guys, the blue guys.
Yeah.
I'll call the blue guys on you.
They look at the cops the way that regular civilians look at the men in black.
Like we're gonna...
Hey, by the way, I gotta... I'm just gonna move past it.
No, no, no, we're not letting that go.
We're not letting that go.
So, first of all, in Men in Black... I don't want to do this.
No one knows that Men in Black exists.
They fight aliens on their own accord.
We've seen the movie.
This is post Will Smith, Tom Lee Jones era.
No one's called Men in Black on aliens, ever.
That's fair.
I don't think there is a number to reach them, so... Yeah, so it's the worst analogy you've ever said in your life.
But in the song, Will Smith says... In fact, I'm calling 911 on that analogy.
By the way... Yeah, I'm here with a guy who came up with the worst analogy I've ever heard.
I have bad news.
What?
I got a ticket yesterday with your car.
I feel like this would be good radio, but I'm gonna pay for it.
Does that affect your license and stuff?
You know what?
You're half Puerto Rican and half Japanese, and I half hate you.
And you can probably guess which half it is.
How?
How did you do that?
Alright, so as I was getting to the studio, I was already cutting it really close to getting there on time.
And we go live, you know, Compound Media, you're familiar, of course.
And, uh, as I'm pulling onto 35th, there's a fire, there's two fire trucks and they start, they stop right there and I was like, well, surely this is temporary.
They start pulling out the hoses.
So I was like, fuck, like I'm here.
And I couldn't get, and there's a parking spot right there.
I just couldn't get to it because there's two fire trucks there.
So I just parked right Right near the crosswalk there, and I guess you can't do that.
But there was somebody across the street who had done that.
So I was saying to myself, this looks fine.
I think this is a great moment to talk to the fathers out there who have abandoned their children and say, you're making horrible people.
Ryan Katsu Rivera doesn't know where stamps go on letters.
That's not true.
He doesn't know where the return address goes and that's because he didn't have a father.
I just want to be sure.
And people without fathers park right on the corner because they don't understand the sign that's right there.
Aren't you in a huge court battle because you refuse to pay money for going through a red light?
No, it's not a court battle.
I'm just pleading not guilty, so I have to go back again, so that way I don't have to pay the fine.
I just paid a ticket today, so that's one out of five parking tickets.
Your desk in your room there, it looks like an orange binder of tickets.
Not good.
Alright, so that sucks, but whatever.
I'm rich, I'll pay it.
And I'm drunk, so I don't care.
But, um... Can I get a drink, by the way?
Oh.
Yeah, um... Can we get a drink for Gavin, please?
Can I get a Makers on the Rocks?
All right, um, yeah, he called the cops because his babysitter told him, Johnny Buffalo, my little tiny baby who punches me in the face.
Sometimes, I don't know if I mentioned this, did I mention this yesterday?
The last podcast?
Where he had a birthday party and he had his friend over, CJ, and he goes up and starts watching TV.
And I go, no, no, no, no, we're not watching TV at a kid's party.
You're the host.
I spent four hours setting up Hot Wheels crap.
And making sure they all work.
A lot of Hot Wheels stuff doesn't work, by the way.
Like the choom-choom thing, you have to have the perfect length of track or it'll just plop.
No offense, Hot Wheels, but not everything you sell us is a shoe-in.
So I eventually set up maybe six different things where you pull back the thing and it goes zoom-zoom and does the jump and everything works.
That took me all day.
Yes.
By the way, it never used to work and I thought I looked at your Hot Wheels track when I went to your house.
And I thought maybe they got better.
They didn't get better.
There's different Hot Wheels tracks.
Like the actual plastic parts.
So sometimes you'll have the fat one and sometimes you'll have the skinny one.
Right.
At least Lego understands homogeneity.
Right.
So we set up all this stuff and I got... It was almost like a pimp party.
I had a big bucket with ice with like apple juice and Sprite and like champagne bottles of kids drinks.
And I go, no, we're not doing that.
And he's there with his friend, CJ.
And, um, he, uh, uh, that lady is distracting me.
It's a libidinous, but, um, so I go, uh, no, we're not, we're not watching TV at your party.
You're hosting.
Okay.
We have to go downstairs.
More kids are coming soon.
And he just takes the, he looks at me and he takes the remote and he just goes, And whips it behind his head like, fuck you, dude.
And that's the problem with all of this rebellion is I kind of like it.
Yeah.
So I'm like, what the hell did you just do?
You're not going to ruin because I could make him cry.
Right.
By getting pretty serious.
But I just go.
You are not going to ruin this birthday party with bad behavior.
You're getting downstairs now, and then as he's going downstairs, and these are little kids.
These are five-year-olds.
His little buddy goes, Johnny's mean to me sometimes.
He recognized that I have authority over him, and he's like, finally a cop.
Finally someone I can report to.
This guy's bad news.
And then and so the thing about him calling the cops is he was freaked out.
I mean, these guys show up with guns.
They're there to prevent you getting your family murdered in a home invasion.
Like that's their training.
And someone gets called because they can't watch gumball.
So they have to still come in with like, we got a 1444.
With that weird walk?
How much would you pay to hear that recording?
Oh my god.
When they pick up the phone and you're a cop, and you hear a five-year-old's voice, like... And then, uh... No, he never got through.
Like, she hung up the phone.
Oh, okay, because I guarantee New would have been in that phone call.
But to answer your previous question... $700?
Wow.
You're kidding me.
Because I'd have it forever.
What is it, an ambulance ride?
With his little weird voice where he's like, Oh, that's how much you would pay.
I'm trying to watch Quack Campo.
And my babysitter said no.
So you need to get downhill.
Like now.
She's being a noob.
She's being a total noob.
You need to handle this shit.
Pig.
Maybe he hates cops.
So I storm into his room and my job is, I work at, you know, I'm a corrections officer who likes convicts.
That's basically your job as a dad.
You're a CO at Rikers who adores every single person in Rikers.
So you have to go in there and not laugh and go, Johnny, what the, what have you done?
Are you out of your mind?
They have guns.
You could go to jail.
You could get, I didn't say you could get shot, but I said, that's illegal.
You committed a crime.
Do you want to go to jail?
Do you want to go to jail for, but the other tricky thing about this discipline too, is I don't want him scared of calling the police.
Like if there's a home invasion or something.
So I want to make 9-1-1 very important, but not lava.
Right.
You know, in kids, in the world, in the kid community, lava is the biggest thing in the world.
It was always that way for me as a kid.
How about you?
Yeah, I think it was that for me too.
Lava's timeless.
Nothing worse than lava.
And then for a while in the 90s, it became acid.
That's more advanced, that's more Breaking Bad.
But it went right back to lava.
But yeah, I remember as a kid, like your worst nightmare was the floor becoming lava.
Hey kids, if any five-year-olds are listening to this podcast, if the floor is lava, the entire building is in flames.
There's no such thing as the couch being a safe space when the floor is lava.
You're all dead.
You're all on fire.
It doesn't happen immediately either.
You'll see it coming.
Lava is the most... I was gonna say expensive.
Lava is the most hot thing there is.
Don't worry about your floor becoming lava.
You can't go to the kitchen on the tiles when the floor is lava.
Everything's on fire.
run through a mother face. - I don't think that was an appropriate one.
I'm sorry about that one. - That was Marshall Lawn bench.
That was Marshawn Lynch.
That was a football player from Seattle Nighthawks.
I don't know anything about football.
And he was asked, why are you so good at tackling people?
And he said, secret is you just gotta run through a motherfucker's face.
And you do that again, and again, and again, and eventually a motherfucker can handle it.
It's a very funny, interesting quote.
It could not be less related to children and lava.
Why did you click on that?
I thought it was a good like... That's when I just clicked.
Like a sweeper.
Doesn't he say it might be a good segue to get out of the conversation about kids, but doesn't he say again, like way too many times in that.
Yeah.
I love him and hate him.
I understand because he does a lot of take a knee stuff, but he is, I just love weird.
He takes these.
Yeah.
He's into taking a knee.
Oh, it's racist.
But I just love that... And over and over and over and over and over again.
That's too many overs.
Play it, play it.
Is this loud enough?
And over and over and over again.
Over and over and over and over and over again.
That's like too many, you know what I mean?
Like there's the rule of threes.
Yeah, it's called being funny.
Or weird.
Yeah.
No, he wasn't trying to be funny, you can tell.
But play the interview.
Okay.
The thing is, they cut it up with the... That's when it just clicked in my mind that if you just run through somebody's face, a lot of people ain't gonna be able to take that over and over.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
Over and over and over and over.
That is crazy.
He's right though.
He's a beast.
Yeah, that is a beast.
That's why you wear a matching hat and a shirt.
I was boxing today, and I just thought, I'm not a beast.
Like, I was punching the punching bags, and the punching bags were like, yeah, you're not a beast, dude.
This does not hurt me at all.
And I see these Puerto Rican kids, it's mostly Puerto Ricans there, and the way they nail these heavy bags, even the way they shadow box, they're just like, it's like they just did a line of coke.
I wonder if I'd be good at that.
Well, here's the secret to boxing.
Can you take a hit?
I don't know.
Boxing is 80% getting punched in the head and going, oh fuck, I left myself open.
What about the body blows?
The body blows looked like nothing, but I heard they were- Body blows suck.
Give me a body blow right now.
You'll be pissing blood.
Give you a body blow.
Yeah, but not- I have to- should I piss first?
Should I piss first?
Yeah.
I've never heard that before in my life.
Are you gonna punch me?
Oh wait, I gotta take a piss.
Give me a body blow.
Okay, I'm gonna give you a body blow.
So we have our arms up like this, right?
Right.
And then I just sort of go...
*Gunshot* Wait, wait.
You blocked it.
That was good.
Get your arms up and...
*Gunshot* Now...
That sucked.
There's boxers whose entire careers are based on getting hit in the head for eight rounds.
That really sucked.
And then delivering a body blow.
That was pretty good, dude.
Thank you.
And then they're pissing and shitting blood and their careers are sometimes done.
And you have to be able, the secret to boxing is, and I do not have this trait, the secret to boxing is to get hit in the fucking face.
I don't want that at all.
Super hard.
It's like someone slapping your wife.
Wow.
And just going, well, she was being a bitch.
She shouldn't have been mouthing off to that guy.
I don't think that's such a crazy analogy.
It's something sacred to you, like your wife or your head.
Yeah, my face is the most important part of my life.
Sure, and then someone punches you.
And my attitude when I'm punched is, Wait, stop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What just happened here?
You call the cops.
Yeah, let's call the cops.
Let's get some lawyers in here.
I want a report.
Did you get that on video?
Meanwhile, boxers will just go and go, God, I'm really fucking up here.
I'm getting punched in the face way too many times.
I got to get my shit together.
And that is a very rare trait.
You know what, I think I know why, I don't know why everybody else doesn't want their face punched, but for me it's like, that's where like five of, like four of my five senses are.
It's like your sight, your smell, your taste.
Yeah, there's that.
There's that.
You know?
And it's also like your face is basically your head's balls.
It's your front door of your house.
Yeah, it's like your balls and your penis make sperm and make babies.
Your head makes thoughts that gets you to seduce a woman who will have babies with you.
It sees the woman that is seducible.
It says the words that, you know, it smells.
Your dick and your nose are basically the same thing.
Your nose is like... Circumcised?
Your nose is what you use to get chicks to be near your dick.
I don't want either of those punched.
Those are like my main guys.
They're my two top salesmen.
Why are you attacking my top salesman at my company?
They're Al Pacino and Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, and also, who's the other top salesman?
Just Alec Baldwin, really.
Well, I'm glad we brought that up, though, because it is a salesman thing.
Salesmen, and I've never been good at this at all, and I've always revered salesmen, and they have a bad rep, they're seen as pieces of shit.
Shane Smith, who helped me create Vice.
He's not my cup of tea, but I would never deny that he's an incredible salesman.
Or Sebastian Eldridge, who I started Rooster, the ad agency with.
He is my cup of tea, and he's an incredible salesman.
And these guys can just, they're boxers.
They can just take a hit.
Like, look, we have this great product.
I'd love you to invest.
And they go, fuck you!
My dad talked about this when he started a company, he goes, and maybe it's a Scottish thing, when you put your heart out there and you say, this is my company, I worked really hard on it, I would like you to invest, and they go, no!
You feel like saying, fuck!
You, you cunt!
It's like, it's like you show someone a picture of your wife and you go, this woman who had my children, I have three kids, she's very sacred to me, she's a piece of shit.
And they just go, like you just want to nail them.
You don't go like, okay, well, we disagree on that.
Let's try some other wives.
Here's a different wife that we could maybe market to you.
But salesmen are able to just take these hits.
And eventually, you know, they get a body blow.
And Ryan Katsu Rivera pees blood.
I can't like, when I laugh, it hurts.
So you did really good.
I may have cracked your rib.
I don't know why you asked for that.
That's the same rib that when I got into a fight in New Paltz, I got that rib all fucked up too.
So maybe that wasn't a good idea.
That's your bad rib.
I didn't know which rib we were going for.
I thought you were going to go for the stomach.
That would have been bad.
So I'm actually grateful that you hit the rib.
Because there's bone there.
If you hit me in the stomach, I would have lost my air.
When I think about boxing, I don't think like a straight punch to the stomach is a move.
No, yeah, absolutely it is.
They take away a lot of their air by doing that, or below their sternum.
No, you're talking hypothetically.
I'm talking about talking to boxing coaches.
There's a left, there's a right, there's a left hook.
There's not a right cross.
There's upper cuts.
There's body blows.
I've never... Oh, yeah, I guess there is a... When you crouch down on your knees, and then you do a right cross, it could be to the center of the stomach.
Oh, as you cross it into the center?
I understand.
Cross it into the center?
I tried to sound cool and it didn't work.
You sound like you're on Star Trek.
Cross it into the center, Mr. Picard.
It's definitely data that says that, too.
But by the way, salesmen, too.
I thought there was no merit to being a salesman besides being convincing, but what they're doing is kind of facing rejection over and over and over again.
That's the key.
Those guys get laid because they just go to a bunch of girls.
When I was single, I'd go up to a girl and she'd say, yeah, no, I would be crushed.
Because I am the chief shareholder in GAVCO.
And we worked hard on this corporation.
And you're saying you're not interested?
Fuck.
You, you bitch.
And it really hurts my feelings.
You got to almost be a sociopath to get laid and be a good salesman.
And you know what?
A funny thing about these guys is they think they're good at blackjack because they forget that nine times out of 10 they lose.
And they're like, I don't know what it is about me, man, but I always know when it's going to 21.
Well, you're right.
Because they only remember the wins.
But meanwhile, everybody that's played blackjack is probably under Yeah.
Normal people remember gambling in Atlantic City and they go, yeah, that's where I won 800 bucks once and lost 200 bucks 13 times.
And it was a bummer because I lost it really early in the night and everyone still wanted to gamble.
And I was like, I'm not losing more than 200 because I'm cheap.
So I guess I'll just wander around.
Such a real feeling.
I gotta piss.
You gotta be scintillating.
Sure.
I'm trying to think which imitations I've been working on.
Let me see here.
There's Ezra Levant, of course.
By the time you listen to this, there might be a clip on YouTube of me doing an Ezra Levant impression to Ezra Levant.
He denies that I sound this way, but he does.
You can listen to it, and it's accurate.
And it is James Gandolfini.
By the way, I sent Gavin a clip of the Sopranos reunion and it's obviously without James Gandolfini.
It's everybody else but.
And they got some really good stuff because all you want to hear about, everybody at home, and the interviewer knew this too, is all you want to hear about is James Gandolfini's dead and I want somebody to cry about it because I'm sad about it too.
And it happened.
I lost a friend to that.
What are you talking about?
You lost a friend to the death of James Gandolfini?
Yeah.
Because he didn't care about it?
No, because I couldn't look him in the face because I found out how much he cried.
Oh, that's right!
Sam.
Right.
He was, uh, uh...
What is his name?
Jimmy Miller?
Jimmy Miller is the most successful comedy manager in the world.
He was working with me for a while before I became a pariah.
And he does, like, fucking Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey and all these guys.
And his main guy is Sam, and I loved him to death.
I was gay for him.
And we were obsessed with this idea for a show which no one liked.
I used to pitch TV, and I did pretty good at it.
Which to the normal world who's not in that would say, what are you talking about?
You never had a TV show.
Yeah, but you sell pilots for 40 grand.
You write a pilot.
It's only, a pilot is what, 44 minutes?
That's 44 pages.
So you get 40 grand.
That's a grand a page.
So we were doing that for a while, me with that gorgeous Hank Sebastian.
I mean, we're doing great.
And we had good ideas for shows, like these three brothers who inherit their dad's hair salon, and their dad is based on Warren Beatty in the movie Blow Dry.
And they're three straight dudes who get their hair cutting, like your dad, get their hair cutting licenses just to fuck pussy.
Wow.
I thought that was a really good one.
That sounds fun.
We also, Jay Johnson and I did a pilot for the Two Bennys.
It was the Benny Hill Show, but it was called the Two Bennys.
It was two Benny Hills, and it was just over the top.
Like how intolerable that would be?
It just like, it was, yeah, and it was like extreme, like Mountain Dew slapstick.
Like in one of the scenes, I remember this pretty girl walks by, or not a pretty girl, like a five, walks by, and the guy goes, But the girl's twin is right behind her, who looks the same, and sees him go, ugh.
And this is all in silent, too.
It's like, you know how they didn't have dialogue?
And then she beats him with his purse, but he beats him until his face is just destroyed, and he's a skeleton, and there's blood everywhere, and his muscle tissue's hanging out.
Wow.
So it was like Evil Dead meets Benny Hill.
Taking it like to the umpteenth degree there.
You're gonna make fun of me, I can feel it.
That's correct.
I don't have to though.
So that was all going great and I work with this dude Sam, awesome guy, I hope people don't look him up, and he started working with James Gandolfini post Sopranos and we met this chick in New York And we talked about, you know, I don't know how we got there, but it's like, yeah, we go to L.A.
all the time.
We pitch pilots and we write them and they get flushed down the toilet and we get some money.
And it's kind of a weird business.
As my dad put it, he goes, I understand.
So you make pilots for the garbage.
So you work for a dumpster.
Is that your job?
But he still liked that, you know, it paid.
And she goes, yeah, I know him.
I know.
And she goes, he worked with James Gandolfini.
And we go, yeah, yeah, I know.
He did some, like, rom-com with him.
And she said, uh, yeah, but some weird shit happened.
I'm like, what, he fucked James Gandolfini?
In his big ass?
That's a very difficult situation.
I don't even feel it back there.
I could flip through a magazine.
So he said, she called him and she'd been dating him and she called him and she said, yeah, I called him and I said, how you doing?
And she goes, I'm really messed up.
And she goes, why?
James Gandolfini died.
And she goes, well, what's going on with you now?
And she goes, "I just, I wake up, you know, and I remember what the reality of it is.
I remember the truth, and I just start crying, and I cry myself back to sleep.
And it's been going on for three days.
I just wake up and cry myself to sleep and wake up." And I probably should have confirmed it with him, but she seemed pretty cool and I could tell that she wasn't a liar.
And I think Sebastian and I were both like, yeah, we're done.
One movie they did together?
One movie.
You guys were not friends.
You know what Ganafidi would say if he heard that story?
He would say, look at this guy.
I don't give too much of a s***.
I don't think, like, we're very close.
You're arguably my best friend.
Yes.
I don't think I'd cry if you died.
That's crazy, sir.
Because I pictured you dying three times and I cried each time.
And all by my hand.
Yeah, you murdering me?
You'd cry because you'd be so worried about going to Rikers.
No, just joy.
Tears of joy.
I never forget, I don't think we ever said it on the podcast, where we're sitting... By the way, the way you pick a seat in a train is beyond ridiculous.
You go into a train, you see any spot that you can kind of squeeze in, and then you'll sit there.
Between an old lady and a businessman.
Well, I want to face the direction we're going in.
That's never a priority.
I understand that priority but like... I hate going backwards!
But you'll never even like go like three seats past what you're line of sight to like see like if there's a seat because sometimes you'll most times you'll find a complete open seat and you could just sit there but you'll sit in between like a businessman and old lady knitting just because it's right there I want to face the direction the train's going in.
Understood.
So this was one of those times, and you were thinking about killing me.
So we're sitting across from each other, and we're talking about my mom.
And I was like, I love my mom, but I care more about you than I care about her.
Because I don't give a shit about her or something like that.
And then, uh, wait, can you tell it?
I think I'm fucking, I think I'm messing it up.
Way to shit the bed.
Cause I gave it away by saying I care about it.
You're a Puerto Rican with a bad Japanese dad.
Both your parents suck.
They totally abandoned you.
You were raised by your grandparents.
And, um, you said to me, understandably, Yeah, my mom, I mean, she's just there.
I mean, she could die tomorrow.
You know what?
I think I care more about you, and I actually don't give a shit if you die tomorrow.
Yeah, something like that.
Guys, at home, it was way funnier.
And we're trying not to laugh, and we're in public.
Check this out.
He has a story.
He can't remember how it went.
He hands it over to me, and then he goes, it was way funnier.
You should be a stand-up comedian where you have people do your jokes and then you come up on stage and grab the mic and go, actually, when I said it, it was way funnier.
I'm not going to say it, obviously, but you get the idea.
I would laugh harder, but my rib is probably fractured.
You literally asked for it.
So, yeah, my fucking five-year-old... Wait, what was that?
My whole life, I don't get no respect.
Did you put that in there?
Yeah.
I don't think that's appropriate.
I first saw a circumstance where it would be.
I think that the little calls or whatever those are should be something that I choose.
It's my podcast.
We do have the classics.
That is Orson Welles, drunk out of his mind, curious if a wine bottle on this commercial is meant to pour before he talks.
So he says, does this do anything?
But he's clearly had many bottles of Paul Masson wine.
That's a funny way to answer calls when there's callers.
We don't have callers on our show.
That's true.
I'll take that away.
That's one of my favorites of all time.
That is a black man. - Be better, be better, be better.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - - That's an African-American gentleman who's a person of color who is on the show Intervention, and he's a fucking drug addict, and his kids are all crying, and they're saying, you know, we love you and stuff, And he just, you can tell, he goes, I should probably cry now and pretend I give a shit about you people, even though I love heroin way more.
So he hams up his cry to the most absurd proportions imaginable.
And I think even his kids, who were already, even the kids were being melodramatic, I think the kids were like, yeah, that's a bit much.
It's on the nose.
Yes, a little too on the nose.
My favorite part is like, actually, right before he cries, the son is like, and after all that, I'll still love you!
Yeah, his son was just as bad in a way.
Yeah, that was poor acting.
Stop hamming it up.
And then we got this one.
Be better.
And that's, of course, Michelle.
Obama and Oprah saying, you know, if you're in a room and you're in a corporate environment and everyone around you is a white male, you fucked up.
Yeah, Gillette status.
So if you're a professional chess player and you look around the room and all your competitors are Russian, change that.
There should be some Nairobi chess players.
And if you're playing basketball and you look around the room and everyone is a tall black guy and there's no George Costanzas, you need to change that.
You need more diversity.
So be better.
Actually, that last one didn't really They didn't make that, no.
So it was pushing diversity and telling, on Father's Day, telling us To be better.
And it's a very interesting juxtaposition, that fucking annoying quote, because Michelle Obama's dad, I would love to blow him right now.
He is the greatest dad of all time.
He's a raging gimp who wears those crutches that take like five forearm braces.
He struggled his gimpy way to, um, the, uh, subways of South side of Chicago, in Chicago, busted his ass, named his wife, his wife, named his daughter a normal name, not Dashiqua, but Michelle, got her educated.
She became the first lady.
Oprah, on the other hand, has had nothing but losers running her life, allowed her to get raped.
She was put in situations where she was molested on a regular basis.
So on that Father's Day show, it should have been Michelle Obama saying, my dad's a god, your dad sucks.
Yeah.
But instead it was about white men golfing.
It's called a duality of just a gender, you know, you can't really pinpoint.
Hey, by the way, did you?
Well, like there's good Men good women and good and bad women bad men.
There's a duality there.
There's badminton.
Duality.
So I was gonna- Are you drunk?
I think you're getting drunk.
Oh, I'm hammered.
Have you ever met Oprah?
I feel like you have.
I actually fucked her.
Okay, well I don't believe you at all.
No, I did say to my wife, if Oprah wants to fuck me, I'm fucking her.
I don't care if you divorce me or whatever.
This story would be so awesome and so funny that I'm actually pissed at you if you wouldn't allow that.
Yeah, I'll just come up with like famous people and I'll ask you if you've met them before and about 70-30 you've met them.
I've met a lot of famous people.
I've never met Oprah, but don't you think all husbands should be allowed to fuck Oprah?
Obviously, we don't want to.
No one on earth has ever jerked off to Oprah Winfrey.
No one on earth.
What's her husband's name?
Vestibule?
Hannaford?
Stedman.
Stedman.
Stedman has never jerked off, not even into her body.
He's not interested.
I don't know.
I mean, maybe... Sorry, no one is attracted to Oprah Winfrey at all.
But why would you do it?
For the story?
I fucked Oprah Winfrey!
Right, yeah, because... I would be... I'd be waiting at the train station.
It'd be a slow day, slow night, and I'd just walk over to some guy smoking a cigarette and go...
Hey man, I fucked Oprah Winfrey.
And he'd be like, what?
Oprah Winfrey, the famous black lady who's like a billionaire?
I know who she is.
No, yeah, I'm familiar.
I fucked her.
She came up to me at a party and she took me back to the Soho house in the West Village and I ate her out and we... Oh, you would have?
We used to double dong.
I really hope that would be fabricated, but the rest is true.
What, you don't like the Soho house?
No!
Yeah, that's the part.
But you know what?
I heard Michelle Obama also, like, she would discourage Obama from kind of like tapping into like black culture stuff.
Like she was really Like, erudite and, um...
Erudite.
Yeah, well, that's a thing with black culture where they don't like rap and stuff.
You know, I met this dude in South Carolina who was such a, I'm not gonna use the W-igger word, but he had adopted his crackhead cousin's black daughter, and a common name in that community is Nevaeh, heaven backwards.
And he was such a W...
Gir.
Mm-hmm.
God, I hate this new censorship shit we have to do.
You can't say that?
You can't.
Isn't wigger a bad word?
No.
Okay, fuck it, wigger.
He was such a wigger that he had like a nice suit on.
Not a suit, but like a sweater vest.
He was a great guy.
Yeah.
But he was like Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and he didn't like rap.
Wow.
And ghetto rap, because it was like bad for the community, yo.
But he liked the classic, like the old school stuff?
Yeah, he liked the chicken tastes like wood and the fries and peas and all that stuff.
I know a lot of people like that.
So there's like, there's black dudes that are so, there's white dudes that are so black That they, like, don't like blacks.
Absolutely.
Because, like, that's disappointing for our community.
You know, because here's where the biased, you know, the racism comes in, is where you just accept it all.
But really, when it comes down to it, people don't like the new stuff out.
It's really ignorant and kind of retarded.
I said the r-word.
But the old stuff used to be like Nas telling stories about like that bullet rewinding.
Oh, how about rap in the 90s?
Stop the violence!
We need to check ourselves!
Like Chuck D saying, we need to get our shit together!
We're way too violent!
KRS-One.
And then you have Chuck D now in his Prophets of Rage song blowing up my head with dynamite.
I'm in his video with my head exploding.
But even that has some That's a concept song of like, it has some kind of political aim or whatever, an agenda.
There's some songs that are just so ignorant that it's like benign sounds.
Like, Brogan says, Panda.
There's a song called Panda just goes... Even my son who calls the cops, the five-year-old, he's just sitting coloring his little elephant and piggy and he's going, push me to the edge.
All my friends are dead.
Yeah.
I'm like, Johnny, none of your friends are dead.
I heard him rap into another song.
Nobody was looking at him.
I happened to turn my head on the way to the bowling alley the other day.
I happened to turn my head and he's doing a full-blown like, like he's singing the song on the radio and then also like, like performing.
And now nobody, like it's for nobody.
But I mean... What was the song?
I think it was some kind of pop song that I don't agree with.
It's usually a trap song or... Cause I'm weak and what's wrong with that?
I love how serious kids get about music.
But no, it's totally possible my son is possessed by Satan.
The youngest one.
He gets weird at church.
One time we were at church and he shows me a picture and it was Jesus.
They give you like a picture and crayons so kids can draw.
And it's a lamb next to Jesus and the lamb has a knife in his hand.
What?
And he can't write, he doesn't know how to spell, so he just made shapes, and I say, I'm trying to be quiet because we're at church, and I go, what do the shapes say?
And he goes, God is dead.
Wow.
And I realized, my son's possessed by Satan.
He's got the Damien hairdo, too.
He's got Damien hair, and look at that mug at our house of him.
Now, here's the thing.
If your son's possessed by Satan, a father's love of his child Overcomes killing Satan.
Right.
And it's not Satan too.
Damian was just like, I think he was like a friend of Satan's, what was the deal?
Let me see.
He was like related to him?
He was his nephew or something?
And he killed a few people, yes.
In the Omen 2, there was that poor hockey kid who got shoved under the ice, that's terrible.
He's the son of the devil.
He's the Antichrist and the son of the devil.
Son of the devil.
Pretty heavy.
Okay, pretty bad, pretty bad.
But I'm not killing my kid if he's the son of the devil.
Sorry.
No.
I will take a... What's the word?
Circuitous route around the church.
We're not going to church.
I hope... We won't have a nanny, so we don't have to worry about a nanny hanging herself.
But if my son was the devil, I'd just be like... It'd be like if my son had diabetes or any other sort of affliction.
Right.
It's not his fault.
Yeah.
I'm not... It really isn't.
I'll feed him chickens?
I don't know.
What a...
What do Satan's sons eat?
I don't know.
I'll feed him like a boa constrictor every two weeks.
They don't eat human flesh.
I'll get him a Rottweiler.
Yeah, people have exotic pets.
I'll have a satanic son.
I wonder if... are zombies actually eviler than the devil?
Because he doesn't eat humans.
That's never been a thing that he does.
He doesn't eat... Yeah, he killed a bunch of people that were getting a little too snoopy.
I'm so biased towards my son that now I'm on the devil's side.
I'm like, look man, why were you priests lurking around?
Mind your own fucking business.
The devil's just like the landlord.
Never would have been a problem if you didn't go snooping around that monastery where he was born and dug up that fucking dog.
Do you know The Owing?
You're a little young.
The dog.
Yeah, they find that the dog was the dad.
The dog was the mom.
I showed it to my kids, actually.
No.
You let them watch that?
I let my middle kid, who was probably eight at the time, watch it.
And they did not give one tenth of one shit.
No, it's not scary at all.
They now, like, they see It or Large Marge from PBS Playhouse.
That'll give them nightmares for years.
In fact, in my house, we were only allowed to say L M because my middle boy was so scared of large margin.
But as far as the seventies horror movies go, it's they're more based on intellect.
Right.
The concept.
And thrill.
Yeah.
They're for adults.
They're for adults.
Like Jaws.
You don't see the shark.
You just hear the tuba.
I don't think it's as scary for little kids.
Absolutely.
Now little kids can see like a penis that has a worm that comes out of it that eats your friend's face and then turns into like a pterodactyl and stuff.
There's so much talented CGI that they don't get subtle.
You know what it does?
It's really dampening the imagination.
The desensitization.
Desensitization.
It's a very difficult desensitization.
Remember when you used to just like, you had a spank bank in your head and you could just totally, you wouldn't even need pictures.
You'd be like, I got some dirty stuff I'm going to think about.
Yeah.
To whack, to whack it.
To whack it.
To whack it.
Ah, dude, you're whacking it, you know?
You think of, like, Fairfax, it's like hair?
Dude, you know when you're whacking it?
You know, I hate hearing anyone talk about beating off.
Nah, I don't like it either.
It's like talking about fingering your asshole.
Dude, you know when you're fingering your asshole?
And you gotta put some lube on there?
And you gotta go in and out of your ass?
I didn't know you did that.
Gross.
It's like, dude, I didn't know it was gonna hurt until, like, afterwards.
Dude, you know when you get explosive diarrhea?
Goes all over your underwear?
You heard the shame in my voice when I said it.
That's why I think that you... Yeah.
Right?
And it's funny how with Proud Boys, they say, we don't beat off.
And then you have all these Antifa guys going, maybe you should try beating off.
Oh, so you're a proud masturbator?
Yeah.
It's such a weird thing to be political about.
More masturbating.
Right.
Guys, pull out your penis and start yanking on it like a weird monkey at the zoo.
It's good for you.
That's like being a professional incel.
Yeah, or I say the same thing about gamers.
I'm a gamer.
I play video games and it's my culture.
That's the same as me saying, I'm a Budweiser.
I wear Budweiser pants and I drink tons of Bud.
I'm part of the Budweiser community.
Meanwhile, we're on a ski lift and we see the guy with the Budweiser sweater and you're like, I would just run past him and just rip that off his head and then now that's mine.
No, I said worse.
I said I'd start making out with him.
Oh, yeah, that's right!
And then, wait, and then he gives it to you?
He's like, dude, just fucking take it!
And then he has a Maker's Mark hoodie under that?
Yeah, and I start blowing him.
Yeah, but that's a joke, and that's not my identity.
Gamers and potheads, it's their identity.
Vapers, vape life?
Yeah, I would actually argue being gay is a stupid identity.
Oh, you hate gays?
No, no, no.
That's how you ejaculate.
You put your dink in a guy's butt.
Yeah.
Don't define yourself by that.
That is exactly, is that not exactly as ridiculous as a heterosexual couple that only does anal and goes, we're heterino.
We're having a heterino parade.
You don't even need to go that far, too, because you know those guys that just, like, brag about, oh, dude, I got some pussy the other day.
It's like, I don't need to really... I don't know you that well.
You've got your friends that I guess you could tell that... But people that brag about that kind of stuff, you already make fun of them.
They're already, like, kind of losers in some way, so it... You know, just... Bragging about your sex has just always been not cool.
I just realized I agree with you literally 50% of the time, and the other 50%, I have no idea what you're talking about.
You didn't get that?
No.
Damn it.
I'm talking about people who make their identity something ridiculous.
Well, if you picture like one of those, like, oh, like a Greaser guy, oh, I got some pussy the other day, it was pussiful.
And that's all they talk about?
Yeah.
Like, that's a loser too.
Totally.
Yeah.
And you're allowed, when you're 15, 16, 17, you're allowed to be like, I'm a mod.
I fight the rockers.
Or I'm a rocker.
I fight the mods.
Or I'm a punk.
And sure, that's great.
I'm a goth.
Yeah, you're goth.
That's great.
Go bananas.
But then after like 21?
I don't think you should be Rastafarian.
I don't think you should be gay.
And when I say I don't think you should be gay, I don't mean you're not allowed to be gay.
I don't think it should define your personality.
You shouldn't come out like as a gay.
It should be something like you find out later that the guy's a Mormon or something.
It's private.
It shouldn't define you.
Yeah.
Even like a guitarist.
I play guitar.
I'm a guitar guy.
Or a skateboarder.
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