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Jan. 11, 2019 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
01:34:31
Get Off My Lawn Podcast #103 | How to have a perfect life

My life is far from perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. This podcast is more a, “Do as I say not as I do” kind of thing. This extra-long ep tells you how to do everything right from birth, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, marriage, parenthood, and retirement. Short version: try to make your life the 1980s.   PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY! https://survey.libsyn.com/getoffmylawnpod

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Time Text
Alright, I'm going to tell you how to have the perfect life.
I'm not saying I'm the master at it by any means.
But I do know.
This is more of a do as I say, not as I do thing.
And learn from my mistakes.
But, let's start with being born.
How to be born.
You're going to want to resist.
Don't.
It's not that bad.
It's cold.
It's disarming.
But you get to breathe for the first time ever with lungs.
So that's cool.
No more swimming.
And you're going to start to see color.
And you've got to understand when you're born, you're not really born.
You see, babies come out one trimester early.
And they have to come out because we have such big heads.
But a horse, when he comes out, he's ready to rock.
He just starts walking down the street.
That was fun.
We come out too early, which is why a lot of tribes and more primitive cultures Uh, and this isn't a primitive thing to do.
We'll wear a papoose, and they'll always have their baby with them at all times, because you kind of are still pregnant.
And that, that's why, by the way, when you're holding a baby and you're trying to keep them from crying, you go, you sort of move around, like side to side, bouncing, right?
Just like it was in the womb.
And you go, shhhh.
That's the sound of the blood, the circulation that they'd hear when they were in the womb.
So the way you get a baby to stop freaking out is to simulate the womb.
And that's for the first, that's like the first four months of their life, I think.
I can't really remember.
I remember the first seven weeks suck when you have a baby.
So give up on sleep for seven weeks.
Give up on having any kind of sanity for seven weeks.
Although when your wife is breastfeeding and the baby wakes up crying, you're sort of like, well, what would you like me to do?
Hold your tit and put it in the baby's mouth?
I can't help.
I don't have a lot to contribute.
If it's, if it's, um, If it's not being breastfed, you gotta get up and make that stuff, that Simulac, whatever it's called.
But you should breastfeed.
So wait, we're doing the ideal perfect scenario.
So the ideal perfect scenario is first of all, you gotta be born to two parents that are married.
And we'll get to who you're gonna choose to marry when you get a little older.
You should not get married when you're a newborn baby.
You don't know anything about the world and you're definitely gonna choose, you might choose the wrong gender entirely.
You might choose the wrong animal.
You might end up marrying like a hamster.
So give that a good 25 years.
But your parents should be together and, uh, they should be, they should love each other and, and you should know they're going to stay together.
That's a doozy.
That I think is the number one factor on how successful you're going to be.
Outside of like people say, um, what do they say?
They say IQ, um, courage and network, which the way we say that here on this show is
We say balls wait brains balls and friends Well, we go we were to name our radio station BB FM because it's it's it's brains balls and friends motherfucker Yeah, but I think that um, I think the network thing comes kind of naturally if you have courage and you're smart because you're just your name gets out there and then people come to you and You know?
Yeah, I would say so.
I think that, and social media changed that, I think the whole idea of having to go to these things and have a business card.
No, I don't know anyone with a business card.
I don't have a business card.
Do you know me?
You have a business card?
Yep.
Oh yeah, you have that annoying square card.
You don't like that?
You keep thrusting down everyone's throats.
It's cute.
No, it's annoying.
Okay.
Trying to reinvent the wheel is annoying.
In that instance.
Anyway.
Ain't nobody got time for that!
So you want to be breastfed for a year as a baby.
And I know sometimes women's nipples bleed.
I know it can be a real pain in the tits.
But if it's not ruining your life, moms, you gotta stick it out.
It really makes a difference.
It makes a difference with intimacy.
It's so much healthier for them.
You really gotta breastfeed as long as you can.
Like, I've heard of people just canning it after a month.
No.
It sucks, it hurts, but you gotta do it.
The health benefits are too important.
And also, if you're a baby, I can't recommend being loved enough.
You have to be loved, and By your actual mom, there's something, I don't know, strange.
Barbara Ehrenreich has a good book called A Global Woman where she talks about these kids who are raised more by nannies, by strangers, than they are by their own mothers.
And then these nannies, they're not seeing their kids back in the Philippines.
So these poor countries are outsourcing love.
And these nannies, they fall in love with the baby.
Like, they love the baby more than their own kids.
And then, the next thing you know, the kid has a better relationship with the nanny than the mom.
Remember I debated that woman?
The Pie Life, I think?
She wrote a book called The Pie Life.
And her philosophy was... Where is it now?
Yeah, you look it up.
She's like a feminist type.
I think it's Pi-P-I.
Or maybe it's P-I-E.
Yeah, there it is.
P-I-E.
And her contention is, sorry I have cold medicine today, so you may just want to speed this up on your podcast listening device and it'll be a normal paced podcast.
But her contention is, yeah, I'm a businesswoman, I don't see my kids from Monday to Thursday, but when they see me on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, they get lots of mom.
100% mom.
Tons of mom.
And I don't agree with her.
I think a big role of a parent is just being around, especially with dads.
You know, you go up to your daughter and you say, hey, anything goes wrong, I am here for you.
I really want to hear about it.
We can go.
I think a cool idea with a kid is to have a special room where you go, when we're in this room and you have a confession to tell me, you can't get in trouble for it.
So say you stole something at school and you're in big, big trouble and you're scared to tell me, then you can come into this room and it's the magic room.
And you know when that's especially handy?
If a young kid is getting molested, a lot of them think it's their fault and they're going to get in trouble because that's usually what the predator says to them.
So when you have the magic room, His lies won't work, because you promised that there'll be no repercussions for this.
Now, what if she says, I've been stealing from you for four years, about 20 bucks a day?
We could have been in this room talking about this about four years ago.
Yeah, you're sitting there going, oh, really?
Well, I guess nothing's going to happen to you then.
Please stop doing it.
Um, that's a really, really good idea.
That whole room of safety.
Yeah, because especially when girls are approaching adolescence, everything has such weight on it.
Gavin, have you ever had, like, bad- What, is this Tucker Carlson now?
You call, you say the host's name?
Yeah, look, Tucker, what they're trying to do here is something that you know.
Gavin, you're absolutely right.
That is one of my biggest pet peeves.
I'm just hiding how psyched I am to be here by saying your name.
You know what it is?
It's media consultants.
They probably take some little class that their boss makes them take.
Make eye contact.
Make eye contact.
Talk slowly.
Don't talk over the host.
And say his name once in a while.
It makes it look like you guys are friends.
They do it on 60 Minutes all the time.
Well, Mike, what I want... Oh, you guys are just bros?
Ew, imagine that, like, after about three or four times and you get a positive response from saying their name.
Try to abbreviate it.
Hey, William, how about Bill?
Let me call you Bill.
Thanks, Tuck.
Thanks for having me.
Oh, that is cringy.
Hey, T, listen.
No, but on Tucker's show, they'll do it.
many times in interviews. - Eek. - Anyway, Ryan.
- What I was gonna say is, do you ever have any bad news, then like you come home, let's say you come home from school, you're the kid, you have no safe room, and like mom's in a good mood, hey honey, I made you a fuckin' BLT or whatever, and you just have some news to drop on people and you're just gonna change the whole vibe?
Like somebody died news?
Or like, just some news that you have to tell people?
Well, my report cards were always terrible.
And that was like, it was bringing home a cancer diagnosis or something.
Like, I'm dying.
Yeah, I tried to change mine one time.
Oh, that's, I totally condone that.
I think school is so overrated and I'm gonna get to that soon.
But yeah, all these, especially when you're up to, you know, fourth, fifth grade, all they do is these arts and crafts projects and stuff.
It's not like, I bet if you went up to most nine year olds and you said, who's George Washington and what did he do?
I bet you would get some of the shittiest responses.
He didn't tell a lie.
Or even, you know, don't tell me he was the first president of the United States.
Tell me about his life or his personality or what you think drove him, you know?
Any kind of deeper thinking, big picture stuff.
Some insight.
Because what they'll say is, wooden teeth, cherry tree, never told a lie.
And then they'd say something about a kite and electricity and they'd be wrong.
I'd say something about a kike.
First of all, we don't talk like that on the show.
I understand.
No, no, no.
What I said was kite.
Oh, did you hear about this guy who's fired for saying coon?
No.
He's a weatherman.
And he was saying, and then of course that'll, that's over there.
That same area where you have Dr. Martin Luther King Park.
And it was done in the same way you'd stutter.
And it's possible, too, that a swear word was in his head, and it trickled out.
Like, I heard Shep Smith once talk about Jenny from the block, J-Lo, and he said that she fakes her heritage, and he wanted to say, People from the Bronx would rather give her a snow job or something like that than a blowjob.
What was it now?
Fuck, I'm ruining the story.
But Shep Smith said, maybe you can find it, but he said something like, they'd be more likely to give her a blowjob than a... And then he had to correct himself and he said, I'm very sorry I said that.
Oh yeah.
Uh, that was a big mistake.
J-Lo's new song, Jenny from the Block, all about Lopez roots, about how she's still a neighborhood gal at heart.
But folks from that street in New York, the Bronx section, sound more likely to give her a curb job than a blowjob, or a block party.
I don't think anyone would ever give J-Lo a blowjob.
His reaction.
Fine.
Fine.
You don't deserve to be fired, Shep.
That was a dumb mistake.
Or I saw another newscaster.
She said, uh, you wouldn't want to be doing that around all that Jigaboo.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember that.
Maybe she did have a racist word in her head floating around, and it was probably floating around in there as, never ever say this word under any circumstances.
But it's still there, right?
It's like when someone says, don't think of a monkey right now.
Well, that was a bad choice.
And don't think of an elephant right now, and you can't not see an elephant in your head.
This guy made that mistake and his career's over.
I always say this now.
This is my new thing.
Follow it through.
Like, what's your logic?
So in their scenario, the ones ruining him, right?
They're saying that he's on his show, and he's just like, yeah, so, it's gonna be raining a lot, especially downtown, you know, near Dr. Martin Luther Kuhn King Park.
Fuck, I hate that park.
What world is that?
And the weatherman himself said that, he goes, why would I destroy my entire life for, what are you finding now?
I got the Jigaboo clip.
I google searched and I spelled anchor wrong but Jigaboo correctly.
That is not good.
He's just thinking, well I'm not getting fired that's for sure.
Julie Andrews joined on stage.
- I really hear her voice.
- Lady Gaga.
- With all the jigaboo.
- Yeah.
- You say, she do, whatever you wanna call it.
- She has a nice voice.
- She's a gorgeous voice, I never knew.
- He's just thinking, well, I'm not getting fired, that's for sure.
- Look at his look.
- He's a black guy, by the way.
So she said that next to her black co-anchor.
- And he's like, hmm, interesting. - I really hope you meant to say hullabaloo.
Yes, she did, dude.
Or there was the guy, the writer for ESPN who was talking about Jeremy Lin and he mentioned something about their team's chink in the armor.
But he, basically he was fired for not being racist because it never occurred to him to call Jeremy Lin a chink.
He just meant, and he'd used chink in the army a million times, so for not seeing it, You're a bad guy.
And we talked about this before with the little kid wearing the monkey shirt.
And his mother goes, what?
Why is everyone mad?
I put him in that shirt.
He's a child model.
Are you calling my son a monkey?
Yeah, the people that see it, that's the creepy stuff.
You're the one seeing this stuff.
Anyway.
You wanna see that clip of the guy saying Martin Luther Kuhn?
Yes!
Okay.
Wait, stop.
I'm hearing two things at once.
I'm still hearing... I can't hear anything, dude.
Viewers in Rochester, New York were stunned.
I'm still hearing, I can't hear anything.
That was it.
And you know what else it could have been?
He could have heard a horrible joke where they called him Dr. Martin Luther Kuhn and he could have said, that's disgusting, don't ever say that around me again.
And then it's in his head.
Yeah, you know the things that stick with you, the things that kind of, like, disturb you the most, or, like, rattle you.
Sure.
Yeah, so, maybe you're right.
And, just, the lack of logic that you get from these outraged ninnies.
Like, um, like the whole kids thing with the, uh...
Separated at the border.
Okay, I understand.
It's horrible to see them cry and be separated.
Tell me what to do, though.
I'm magic.
I'm restarting a society from scratch.
Does it have no borders?
Okay, I understand that.
You have to understand, though, in that scenario, there's billions and billions of people who would love to come to America.
So, you're ending America.
And I've heard that argument.
No walls, no borders, no wall, no USA at all.
Okay, I get that.
That's an argument.
Gotcha.
Um, but the other one is, well, do we, like, I have to, when you have people going over your border illegally, like, let's, take America out of it.
Say it's Japan, okay?
And illegal white guys are going into Japan in droves, in boats.
They can't just let them in, or it'll be endless, so they have to put them in some sort of holding cell area.
Um, do the kids go with that person?
We can't do that.
We can't have kids in an adult prison or holding cell.
So we separate and the kids go to a childcare thing.
What if someone's dealing coke and they don't have any other family and it's just a guy and his kid and they go selling coke and we catch him, we arrest him.
Tell me what to do now.
The kid goes to child services.
Isn't that what's happening at the border?
Or then you say, okay, no we're not saying any of this.
We're saying send the family back with the kids.
Like ship them back.
And that's what we do.
Eventually.
I might be missing something here.
But every time I hear the left say something is terrible, I go, yes, you're correct.
It is terrible for a coke dealer to be separated from his firm.
I think cocaine should be legalized.
But I don't understand what you want me to do.
Like, tell me your scenario.
So in the weatherman scenario, he just decides to throw out racial epithets in the middle of his meteorology.
How do you say that?
Meteorology.
Nice!
Oh, I don't think I can say that word.
Meteorology.
Meteorology.
Perfect.
Better than when I say it.
In his meteorology report.
He's just gonna throw a word like that?
Yeah, it doesn't... the intent should... A super old-timey, like, cowboy, racist word from the 1930s?
What's the motive there?
Isn't that, in court, you have to have a motive?
Yeah, exactly!
So, what happens after that?
He goes back, the boss goes, dude, that was kind of harsh, man.
But it was funny.
And then he goes to the bar and they go, Dude, I heard you doing your weather report today.
That was badass.
I heard it.
That was funny, man.
What are you going to say next?
What's your next one?
What's your next racist slur you're going to stuff into?
Well, that was why Sam Hyde got fired from Adult Swim.
They accused him of secretly hiding swastikas and stuff in the background.
And Sam's like, why would I ruin my own show for such a dumb gesture?
Yeah.
It pissed me off, like, how you see, like, the edited... He worked on these, like, After Effects, like, little bumpers, and they just edited everything out.
They just, like, black-barred it.
Who did?
Adult Swim, like hours before it went live or something like that, they edited all these little screens.
They had all this text and little funny things.
Because they were worried it was secret codes?
Yeah!
They just didn't know what it was, so they just blanked everything out.
It was crazy.
You know, there was one case of someone sneaking secret codes, and it was a cartoonist for, I think, Marvel.
And there was a normal, I don't think it was like, Muslim man.
But the illustrator was, and he was putting in these numeric codes, like the address of a building would be some reference to the Quran.
I mean, it wasn't trying to radicalize kids or anything, but that's the only time I can think of someone... Yeah, Marvel fired an artist over hidden messages in a comic.
Happened in 2001.
2001?
No, it was way more recent than that.
Well, the article was 2017, but in 2001 that's when that happened.
Oh, he was doing it in 2001 and they noticed it five years later.
Various numbers and symbols in reference to a controversy in the Syaf's home of country of Indonesia involving Christian governor of Jakarta who claimed his opponents were misusing a verse from the Quran.
So he was putting some pretty deep It's not like the kids are going to come out becoming subliminal terrorists, especially because not one kid noticed.
Even if they broke the code, what are they going to do?
Let's get back to life.
So, you're a baby, you've been very loved, cherished.
I don't really, food is kind of important, but when you're with little kids, they're so picky, you're just trying to get the calories in.
So half the shit they eat is beige.
Chicken nuggets, fries, they don't really have, I know Jerry Seinfeld's wife did this big book on how to trick them into eating vegetables.
As long as they're not obese, or starving, I don't really care too much about food.
I just want to get some in there.
Like, half the time they won't eat their dinner and then I'll see them eating those goldfish or something later on, or popcorn.
And the way that so much food today is made from corn anyway, like McDonald's hamburgers I think, well they've got soy in them, but then the buns have tons of corn.
It's cornity corn, corn, corn.
Yeah.
So, alright.
As long as you're not starving, that's... So how are we doing now?
We're now up to about two or three.
I wouldn't foist any gender crap on them and say, do you feel like a boy or do you feel like a girl?
If your boy wants to wear dresses, he's likely going to grow up gay.
That's not a big deal.
Don't worry about it.
If your girl If your girl's a tomboy, I don't think, I shouldn't say that he's going to grow up gay or she's going to grow up to be a lesbian, but there's a chance of that and you may notice it early and I would totally and utterly ignore it.
If they're getting bullied in school that's another thing, but I've always said one of your goals with having kids and as far as knowing about all the things we fight about, you want to prolong the Santa thing for as long as possible?
You want them to not know what race is.
Here's a great, if your son says, it's weird how a lot of my friends have black skin.
Why do all my friends have black skin?
I love that.
That means you're a good dad.
You know, not because your friends, your kid hangs out with black people, but because he's not familiar with all the terms and he just goes, wow, that guy is darker and his hair is curlier than my other friends.
So you've removed race from the equation and he just sees people as people.
That's another one you want.
Sex, you want to avoid that as much as possible.
Sometimes with movies, when I look at the parental IMDB, I'm more concerned with the sex than the violence.
Because the violence sometimes, you're not going to let them watch horror movies, but it's so absurd.
And it's easy to tell a kid, that's not a real arm that came off.
That was a prosthetic.
It's special effects.
And you can show them on YouTube special effects.
I'm kind of jumping up ahead.
In years, a little bit.
But sex?
I don't know.
I want to push that off until there's a remote possibility they could be having it.
But before that, sex, sexuality... I mean, you can tell them who a gay guy is, and if you have gay neighbors over, where's their wives?
Are they just good friends?
They're gay.
That's fine.
But, uh... Like, the penis?
And I gotta be honest, as a 48-year-old, I still think it's weird.
What is sex?
Blood rushes to your penis, which then becomes pretty much, uh, as hard as, well, not at my age, but it used to be called a wood for a good reason.
And then it goes in and out.
And then your, your wife has the opposite genitalia.
She has a hole.
And then this turgid organ, um, goes into the hole.
And that would be weird enough.
Okay.
Got it.
And then sperm comes out.
No, no, no, no.
You have to pump it around for a bunch and maybe do other weird stuff and say strange things and move around all over the place.
And then eventually this strange juice shoots out into her or maybe on her butt or something.
Like if I explain that to an alien, I go, this is good.
You got to hear me out.
This is going to sound insane.
But if your kids ask that, and they might ask around seven or eight, this is what you say.
You say, the daddy gives the mommy, the daddy gives the mommy something from, they hug, and the daddy gives the mommy something from his body that makes her able to have a baby.
And then I think they sort of go, uh, that sounds fucking freaky, I'm going to drop it.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, they don't go, what exactly do they use?
They just go, already mommy and daddy together with babies, with bodies exchanging things is like, bleh.
It's gross and boring.
I've heard enough.
Yeah.
And you're right, kids.
It is weird.
Alright, so now we're up to like six.
Oh, and the perfect family, by the way, is I think three to five kids each two years apart.
There was an old saying I find very offensive, but it was, one is for losers, two is for fags, three is the bare minimum.
I don't approve of that horrible epithet in the middle of it, but I do agree with the sentiment.
Three, I wish I had five, but I started way too late, and we'll get to that in a second.
And here's another thing, they should be two years apart.
If you wait too long, They have trouble getting along.
I've got two years apart and then the third one was four or five years apart.
And so he's sort of like, we'll be at the dinner table talking and he has no idea where we're going with this.
And then he's also trying to keep up and saying things like, I like potatoes, but they're not my potential.
I'm actually writing a book of these quotes because there's so many good ones.
Yeah.
There was like a bunch on the car ride from Vermont to Vermont.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What was that one?
Imagine a dog was peeing and you shoved him and then you got pee on you.
That would be funny.
He said that?
No, I think he said that'd be fun.
That'd be fun.
I remember him saying, um, wish a wish.
Well, yeah, he said there should be a commercial that says, it's time to make your wish.
Make a wish.
And Dream Your Dream was another one?
Oh yeah.
It's actually pretty profound.
Some of them are good.
My favorite one, I think this will be the cover of the book.
What's blue?
What's round?
What?
A butt cheek wearing blue pants.
That's genius.
I know, and I love how he says what.
That's Steven Wright material right there.
What is blue?
Oh no, that's Mitch Hedberg.
That's Mitch Hedberg.
A butt with blue pants on it!
So, we're getting a gang together at this point.
We got about five kids and we've been following the toddler, but ideally this toddler who's five has a seven-year-old, an eight, nine-year-old, a ten, eleven-year-old, maybe even a 12 13 year old so that's a good little crew you got there and even on a rainy day It's gonna be kind of fun doing stuff hide-and-seek gets really intense although the dog Ruins that I don't recommend a dog You're just cleaning up feces and it's not natural for it to be all cooped up.
If you're in a rural environment and the dog can run free and he's gone for hours and fights a raccoon, I think that's awesome.
But just this little prison that they're in where you either keep them in the kitchen, where you can clean their piss and shit, or you'll just find shit and piss somewhere.
Yeah, but you're not walking them enough.
Yes, that's valid.
But even when you do get three walks in a day with a tiny dog, there's still gonna be accidents, and it's so hard to get the piss off.
I regret it.
I wish my dog wouldn't... I wish my dog would fall in love with another dog, get married, and just move out.
So the kids wouldn't cry, and I wouldn't be the bad guy.
I'd just be like, he grew up!
What am I supposed to do?
We have empty nest.
So, now you got a gang.
Now here's where it gets crucial.
Playing.
And I think it's important not to be too rich and not to be too poor.
I know that sounds really obvious, but both of those guys don't tend to have a very good childhood.
With the two poor kids, he tends not to have a dad.
There's not a lot of discipline in the house.
There's a lot of sitting at home and watching TV, eating shitty food.
Boredom.
I think boredom leads to crime as much as many other things.
And with the rich, there's lots of play, but it's monitored play.
So it's this sports team and that lacrosse team and this has to go there.
And even at practice, you have parents, and I've done this, watching the kids practice.
And there's just something weird about watching kids do jumping jacks and run relays and stuff.
What am I doing?
I'm watching a kid play.
So they should be free to go.
And the funny thing is we don't do that anymore.
And the middle class kids, I don't think they hop on their bikes the way they did when I was a kid.
They've got their helmets on.
And with all this fear, all this safety mongering, you've got kids at home playing video games.
And I think it links to the obesity epidemic.
And it's also killing their economic libido.
It's making them less adventurous, which hurts them later on in life when they'd want to start a business because it makes them pussies.
They need to be getting up to mischief.
They need to be getting in trouble.
You know, the guy I bought my house from, he told me that they would go to a park with walkie-talkies, and they would call the cops on themselves.
And then the cop would be looking for those goddamn kids.
Because they would call and go, there's a bunch of kids in the park.
It's after hours.
It's after dark.
And I think they should be taken care of.
And the cop's like, finally, I got something to do.
And he runs out and he's just chasing them and they're running from him.
That's fun.
That's fun!
Yeah.
That is actually fun.
I had this fantasy before I had kids that I'd have six boys and they will have stolen a tractor and they have leather jackets on not like motorcycle jackets but like the kind Germans wear just like with a collar and stuff normal black leather jackets and white t-shirts and sort of scruffy hair and they're all at our big long dining table in the basement that's like this doesn't exist but I'm saying in my in my fantasy and I'm sort of pacing back and forth because they're in big trouble and they're paying the farmer for that tractor oh I see yeah but I'm secretly
I'm kind of impressed and thrilled that they had the balls to hotwire a tractor and drive it into a swamp.
They're all sitting there, like, one hand is leaning out, like, their head is leaning on one hand, they're slumped down, they're like, they're watching you as you walk by.
Oh, they're staring ahead.
They're in big, big trouble.
I don't, I'm, in this fantasy, they're not like, what are you gonna do, old man?
Well, one guy's like, Dad, it's not like that guy was doing anything with it.
And the other brother's like, dude, shut up.
We're in trouble, dude.
Yeah.
No, no, there's no giggling.
So you, you want to get to an area where they're playing.
And I, I didn't know, I didn't realize when I had kids, this would be such a challenge.
I think you got to make sure the neighborhood you live in is either South of the Mason Dixon line, where I believe that kind of jumping on your bike still exists, or lower middle-class neighborhoods.
Too poor, and there's not enough discipline or curfews.
Too rich, and it's too regimented.
Now, let me tell you a horrible story about this.
That, that has a silver lining.
When I was a kid, there was this girl named Kim and she told me when she was, uh, when we were teenagers, she told me about the story from about when she was a kid and they would go wandering out into the woods.
And one time they played doctor and, uh, she was, she got naked and laid down on some piece of plywood or something.
And she was being examined and there was girls and boys there.
They're probably all eight or something.
Um, and they started biting her.
Some of them bit her kind of hard.
Now that's obviously not good, but Kim learned a lesson there.
She learned not to leave yourself vulnerable.
She learned that people can go dark and you can't necessarily trust everyone.
Uh, I'm not saying, you know, kids should be taught distrust, but kids need to be taught.
Oh, and she was a child of a single parent, by the way.
Kids need to be taught that there's danger out there.
And, you know, you gotta watch yourself.
And that's why I think it's good to fight.
When we were kids, we would fight all the time.
Fist fight.
And it was a big deal.
It wasn't something you wanted to do, but you would have to go and fight at the schoolyard if there was this to resolve a conflict.
And that taught you a lot.
And I think it's natural for young boys to want to have the odd fist fight.
Yeah, it teaches you respect, too.
And your fucking, your testosterone, now we're jumping up to adolescence, is coursing through your veins.
Like, one of the reasons I loved punk so much when I was a teenager is because I had all this pent-up frustration, and I think a mosh pit is surprisingly healthy.
I think that the good that mosh pits do and slam dancing should be studied by some sort of health center.
And there was a lot of camaraderie.
The Nazi skinheads would come and punch us sometimes as we got to the edge.
They'd stand on the perimeter and shove people.
But there's this thing you do where when someone's down you scoop them up.
Oh yeah.
Always.
Almost without exception.
Yeah, all these little rules.
We were such dorks that we would start messing with people and we would keep falling on purpose.
Just to get picked up and cared about?
Yeah, so we just kept tripping and falling and pretending that we fell just to annoy people.
Oh man.
Yeah, I think play is so much more important than school.
And there's so much more that can be learned from just in the woods messing around.
And that's what I love about these Northern Europeans and their forest kindergarten, where kids don't have a classroom.
And I think this can go up to fifth grade.
And they just climb trees and climb trees high and they have knives.
They have a six year old with a knife who's carving something.
I think that should go to maybe 12 years old.
Just a huge giant park.
These kids are out there in the rain.
You know what they do now with recess?
It's down to one and I think it's about 20 minutes in a lot of schools.
We had a recess and then we had an hour And then we had another, the other recesses were 15 minutes each.
But 20 fucking minutes?
I remember de Blasio was saying, we think there should be after-school programs to help get kids educated.
He's trying to get his numbers up because the grades in New York public schools are some of the worst in the Northern Hemisphere.
But he was saying, we need after-school programs.
Let's get them in there till maybe five or six.
You know, save money on daycare and stuff and the parents can work.
Having a child, a 10 year old child, sitting in a goddamn chair from 9 to 6 with one 20 minute break.
It's just so unnatural.
Yeah.
You hang around kids.
You know my kids.
You see the way they go screaming, running around.
When we were skiing, no one was remotely tired.
They didn't want to stop.
Johnny wanted to go the next day when we were leaving to try to get a few runs in.
He's five.
Cold doesn't exist.
It just doesn't.
It's not a factor.
Oh, that's a weird thing as a little side note.
What's this trend with kids where they don't want to wear a coat or they'll insist on wearing shorts when it's 30 degrees?
It drives me insane.
I don't understand it now.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm wearing a sweatshirt, I'm fine.
And I go, it's 20 degrees out.
And then they're at the thing we're going to and he's just shivering.
I'm like, this is what I said would happen!
I know what weather is!
We have to actually draw a line in the sand and say, if it's under 45, I'm not arguing with you about shorts or coats.
They're both going on.
20, we gotta get into hats.
A lot of kids at school, a lot of 10-year-olds are walking around the winter with shorts and I don't... Are you trying to show off that you can take cold?
I don't get it.
I don't get the point.
I don't think it was because I remember my motors were just like... So you did this too?
Yeah, I just didn't like extra clothes.
You know, it just felt bulky.
You don't want to wear snow pants.
I get how those are humiliating, but shorts?
Is that showing off?
Yeah, after a certain point, perhaps, because I think it's built off the reaction.
They're like, whoa, you're just wearing that?
And you're like, yeah, I could even wear less than this.
It is kind of showing off-y.
From seven, five, maybe even five, to...
12, 13, you should be outside as much as humanly possible.
Your parents should not know what you're up to.
You should vanish.
You come back for lunch.
You should be wolfing down your cereal on Saturday morning.
Well, you can watch some cartoons.
But after that, you should not be able to wait to get out of the house.
Now, I have to push them out of the house with this damn Fortnite shit.
You know that video game thing I was about to say too?
It's like the goal is so like laid out like you just you plug in the game And then you know it tells you exactly what to do.
There's only one goal You know, and then there's no room for creativity or problem-solving.
And I just remember, like, going out in the snow... This is Fortnite you're talking about?
Yeah.
Or any video game.
There's no... You can't apply your own problem-solving to it and be creative, so... But if you look outside, we used to build these big igloos, me and, like, four other friends, and then my parents would just look outside, and I couldn't even imagine being them looking out, and you see, like, a fucking snow fortress.
These kids made that?
I remember that with tunnels and stuff.
Yeah, we'd have little rooms inside that it was insanity Actually, we had like a hot cocoa room where you drink hot cocoa It's just in that room.
Yeah, cuz it was like a higher ceiling so it wouldn't be melty Just you know, it was awesome I remember being on jumps there was this motocross bike it was I think it was pre-bmx bikes and it was made to look I've talked about it before I've written about it actually it's made to look like a motorcycle and it had shocks on the front and the back And the tires were so knobby.
It was meant to look like a dirt bike.
The tires were so knobby that it would sort of purr when you drove down the street.
This would be from the 1970s.
I'm old.
And, uh, that's why I called mine the Tiger.
You always gotta name your bike as a kid.
If it's green, call it a pickle.
Um, no, don't write bike, write bicycle.
Because they're going to think motorbike.
It even had a gas tank.
It had a big yellow gas tank that obviously you didn't put anything in, but just to make it look more like a motorbike.
So we would make these jumps.
And of course, no helmets for miles.
If you wore a helmet when I was a kid, you would get the crap beaten out of you.
And you would just, you'd hit a jump.
And I could be misremembering this.
I remember being in the air for about an hour and a half.
It was like going to LaGuardia.
You took a flight.
You would go flying so high and everyone would go, holy shit.
That's unimaginable today.
If I, if I was walking down the street and in the suburbs and I saw kids had set up a jump with cinder blocks and plywood and stuff, I think I would have a heart attack.
We used to go lugeing around the jackass era.
Uh, we were on our skateboards.
How old would you be at this age?
This was like a sixth to seventh grade.
And then me and my buddy would just eat shit all day, just over and over again.
Yes!
Just fall and like you'd bail because you were going way too fast.
And then you would hit the grass sometimes, you'd fly off that.
It would just be mayhem.
We replaced bloody knees with obesities.
That's pretty good.
Thanks.
Is that Nas?
Yeah, he's really worried about obesity in America.
And it's crazy, it's such a struggle, but... How are we doing for time?
Because I'm only at about 8, 9, 10 years old.
40 minutes in.
Okay.
We may have to stop this.
Anyway!
Two-parter?
So, um...
You're a kid, you're having fun, you're getting into trouble, you're learning lessons, you're getting into a fight.
It's very healthy for kids to get into fights.
And the way, I think there's a lot of this war on boys thing going on where the schools penalize them for being rambunctious and they say, but we will renege this if you go in and get diagnosed with ADHD.
And so they go, well, I don't want my son to have bad grades, which I don't think it matters.
And then he goes to a psychologist or whatever they're called, and then they go, yeah, your son has ADHD.
Okay, so he needs Ritalin for that, or Adderall or something, and then the next thing you know, the kids have a drug addiction.
Adderall, I've done it.
It's a wild ride.
You do, like, people are doing 60, 80 milligrams.
If I do 5 milligrams at 7 in the morning, I'm tossing and turning that night, having trouble getting to bed.
I can't get to bed without whiskey if I have an Adderall.
Just can't.
So, and the school, like, what do you learn in school?
You're not paying attention.
It's not like the 1830s where everyone had to learn, it was a big deal to learn how to read.
I think that might be it, in the middle, second, yeah, that one.
Yeah, that looks like it.
The motorbike.
Does it say what it's called?
It's called the Motocross, and it has a six on it.
What muscle bike did you have as a kid?
Oh, they were called muscle bikes.
That's cool.
That's pretty cool.
So, there's so much onus on school and education.
You know what?
If you're smart, you're gonna get into a good school.
You don't need to have straight A's in, you know, fifth grade.
And they get taught so much crap.
And the teachers have become so lazy with this.
All these different scams where they don't have to work.
Like this thing about public speaking.
It's very important everyone knows how to do public speaking.
Why?
Think of your job, adult.
How many of you are great orators there?
Most of you are just nose to the grindstone, and there's the one sales guy who goes, the Tim Cook, who goes out there and goes, okay guys, I got it.
I'm gonna sell it.
All right, thanks.
I'll tell you how it goes.
Okay, best of luck.
Not everyone has to be good at public speaking, but I think the reason they do this is so 30 kids, they can manage to squeeze in about three presentations a day, Right?
So that's ten days.
You don't have to do any work.
And there's all the gearing up for that speech.
And they do this thing where they have the other students mark them.
The other students rate them.
So they don't even have to do the marking.
And these are people who get off two months in the summer and another two months throughout the year.
I've pitched about teachers a million times.
But what I'm just, what I'm trying to say is it's not like they're going to this incredible institution that's enriching their lives.
No, they're just sitting in a chair learning a bunch of crap about how, you know, America has a troubled past, and we should feel really bad.
So, more play, more free play.
I would argue, by the way, that the best childhood in the history of childhoods was 1950s South Brooklyn.
Not even that far south, like what's called Red Hook now.
That area, yes, you'd see the odd dead body from the mob, but those, and they were pretty multicultural neighborhoods.
Black, Irish, Italian.
The Bronx, before Robert Moses destroyed it, was a beautiful place to raise a kid in the 30s and 40s and 50s.
Post-World War II.
Let's say post-World War II.
So from 1945 to, say, I don't know, you could even go up to the 1980s, I'd say.
And kids would just go out and play stickball.
All day.
And another thing that I've, because I was obsessed with this for a long time because I was so jealous that they got this perfect education and my kids aren't going to get that.
Not education, sorry, childhood.
You'd see a kid, maybe you'd see a seven year old slap a five year old.
Some random mother would come on and go, what the hell's the matter with you?
Then she'd slap him.
Don't you dare slap that kid.
You apologize to him right now.
So the whole community policed itself and each other and it wasn't suing and it wasn't calling the police and it wasn't getting a form and it wasn't being expelled.
It was, it was anarchy in a, in a good way.
It was a, an anarchist commune.
Yeah.
That was very fun growing up in the Bronx.
A lot of climbing fences and running places.
Oh, so you still, when were you like a little kid?
I moved up here in fourth grade, so a pretty substantial amount of growing in the city, and then I would still go back there.
Right.
But I changed school districts in fourth grade.
So you guys would just vanish?
Oh yeah!
Yeah, we'd go to different sections of the Bronx.
But wait a minute, you were the child of a single mom, so at the beginning of this I said, that's a little too poor.
That's getting dangerous.
Yeah, I guess there was some danger there, but I kept good company, and our friends were Mostly good guys and we just went around buying candy on our bikes and stuff we go to different places and Climb fences.
Oh and a fun thing would you do is you play tag and then like in the stairwell?
You'd run you'd be jumping leaping down full flights of stairs.
That was always funny.
I'm not against organized sports I think it's really cool, and I love my kids teams, and I love watching their games.
That's awesome It's fun, but now it's getting the point where that is getting darn close to a hundred percent of the time they play I mean, they also shoot basketball, I guess.
Sometimes.
It's just, it ain't what it used to be.
So, alright, so now we're into 1213.
Now here's an important thing I think we need to know.
You need to know.
Video games are fun!
It's cool.
Superheroes are cool too.
Superheroes make you, especially if you feel weak like you're a little kid and everyone else is growing faster than you, it's cool to fantasize that you're secretly Spider-Man and you could secretly beat them all up.
I appreciate that.
But that's for little kids.
When you are 14, you start getting hormones, you start growing pubes, you're interested in girls.
Put away the video games, you fucking infant.
The average vid- and that includes you, Ryan.
I don't play a lot of video games at all.
Oh, I'm a bad cowboy.
No, I'm a good cowboy.
Oh.
Yeah.
He's a good cowboy in Red Dead Redemption.
You have to have some decency, because...
The average video game player is 34.
What a disgusting, pathetic waste of time.
And the hours they put in, like six hours, sometimes the entire weekend playing these games.
Grown men, men my age, play video games all weekend.
And there's a million repairs that need to be done in your house.
There's a loose doorknob.
There's a pane of glass that's got a crack in it you've got to fix.
There's so much self-improvement that needs to be done.
There's hanging out with your kids, going on a walk with them, going to play catch with your boy.
But just sitting there going, psew, psew, psew.
And they'll play games where they're superheroes.
Another thing that drives me nuts about grown men, wearing a Wolverine shirt.
You like Wolverine, sir?
What do you like about him?
Or the stupid Superman tattoo that a lot of people have?
Or they'll just have a Superman shirt on?
Or a grown man in a Batman shirt?
A lot of those.
What is that?
I don't know.
I'm Batman.
Okay, I'm not Batman, but I would love to be.
You'd love to be a billionaire who has all these cool cars in a cave?
That's a kid's fantasy.
That's not a grown man's fantasy.
I'm a Batman guy.
Do you sit and read comic books?
That's not acceptable.
Superhero comic books, that is.
Graphic novels can be an interesting way to consume art, but that's different.
You're not pretending that you could beat someone up because you're Superman.
Well, you see action movies all the time, Gavin.
Yes, I take my kids there.
If I got time to see a movie, I don't want to watch some flying magic man who knocks out the bad guys.
This is part of my subtext here.
The childhood part of this discussion is we need less safety, more danger.
And then when you get older and adolescence, you need To grow up.
And part of that is getting a job.
This is another bad thing about being rich is kids don't work.
And if you're rich, you should, I would pay a gas station to give my kids a job.
And I say, I'll just handle the salary.
Don't you worry about it.
It's an internship.
There's so much you learn at work.
And I remember when my brother was a kid.
And he worked at this gas station.
He was probably about 12.
No, not 12.
He must have been 14.
And his marks would go up when he was working and go down when he wasn't.
It's like if you want something done, ask someone busy.
There's so much that goes on with teen jobs, where you learn about how the government works, you learn about tax, you learn about debt collections, like say you're cleaning pools, you're going back to their houses to get their money, even a paper route, you're learning tons and tons of stuff.
I had a gig, it was just for one day, me, my girlfriend Imani, and her other girlfriend, and my other guy friend, we were just bagging groceries at the C-Town, like the local supermarket, and they just let us do that, and then we got all the tips, and then we got a lot of tips.
Because people saw cute little neighborhood kids.
And we didn't need like a special shirt or to sign any forms.
I feel like today you wouldn't be able to get away with that.
Camaraderie!
Riffs!
We were just working.
We just worked that day.
And then we took the money and we bought stuff with it.
We did some stuff I'm not proud of.
I did do a lot of stealing from the vegetarian stores I worked in when I was an older punk.
I did set up shop wearing a parka in the freezer and would make people... I had a dessert store.
So people would come in and I'd go, try this.
So this is called a strawberry daiquiri, and that's whipped cream, chocolate chips, and I would just make these, invent these little treats for people using the food because the owner would never come into the freezing cold fridge.
Oh, that's great.
So it's just like the treat shack.
What the fuck?
That is so weird but so funny.
Me and my friend did something very similar.
We lived like in the boonies at this time.
Like my friend lived even more outside of the town than I did.
So it was like one straight road, a couple of houses spattered here and there.
And we're just waiting for like, you know, wives to be jogging past or something.
And we made these pop-tarts with like whipped cream and just other sweet shit.
And we're like, here, do you want to try some of this?
We made this.
And we were, like, way too old to be doing that.
It was about, like, 7th to 8th grade.
Just a really odd thing.
And were you being ironic or were you a special needs person?
Well, we were being... I don't know if we were even being nice.
We were just trying to... We were just so bored.
Because we weren't spitting in it or trying to be like, hey, it's a prank food.
Right.
We were just trying to make stuff to make... We wouldn't... We didn't want to eat it, I guess.
I talked to guys in Florida about the mischief they get up to, and it's a different level.
Like, we would take a cassette tape.
Remember cassettes?
Oh yeah.
And you would stretch it across the road, and it would just go... That stuff never breaks.
So the car drives into it, and it just goes...
And then the cassette goes flying and hits the back of his car and you run away.
Or we'd throw snowballs at cars.
But in Florida, their little secret prank?
Put a bowling ball in the middle of the road.
And it's just the perfect height to totally destroy a car's undercarriage.
And maybe, I don't know, if this guy drives for a living, ruin his job and make him have to give up his house.
His kids are unemployed, his kids starve to death.
A little rich there, Florida.
A little rich.
Well, we called it Nicky Nicky Nine Door, going door to door.
He told me that in Florida they called it, and I'm not going to say the horrible word, N-word knocking.
He also told me about a guy, I just remembered this, that his dad would take him, driving around, I think this is Tampa, with a plastic, like, kid's toy hammer, and they would go n-word bonking.
So they would just go up to someone, black guy, and say, hey man, do you know what time it is?
And then he'd go, uh, I think it's, and then they'd go bonk.
And drive away.
Now, it didn't hurt.
It wasn't a hammer hurt.
Right.
But... What a strange way to bond with your child.
Yeah.
That's great.
Man, a lot of those times are very fun.
We used to throw our toys, like these Dragon Ball Z toys are very expensive.
And they had arms that would just come off pretty easily.
And we'd drop them from the train trestle just to see how much damage they could take by just dropping these expensive toys.
Just stupid, yeah.
One time... One time...
We'd have, you know those firecrackers that go, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka, like 50 in a row?
I forget what they're called.
Yeah, those little, yeah.
They're all connected.
Yeah, they're all connected.
They look like an Indian's war chest thing.
Oh, yeah.
So, we were throwing them at people from my friend's car, Steve's car.
And it would scare the living shit out of them, obviously.
But we did it to one guy, and his dog went nuts.
And his dog, little yappy dog, started biting him.
The guy?
The owner.
Because you know, dogs and fireworks, they go crazy.
And we go, oh shit.
And then we turn immediately onto the highway.
This is in Ottawa, so we're turning onto the Queensway.
And some guy sees us and he decides, fuck this.
They're gonna pay.
So he's chasing us.
So we're whipping down the freeway at like 80 miles an hour.
And I go, Steve, slow down.
There's a cop right there.
And he goes, fuck the cops.
I got a concerned citizen on my tail.
I got a fucking vigilante behind me.
Yeah, I got Charles Bronson from Death Wish or the Equalizer.
People keep saying I look like Charles Bronson recently, by the way, now that you mention that.
But you know what I realized too, growing up in the Bronx you had a lot of that type of fun.
Fences and stairwells and all that and digging Yeah, I don't know much about kids born there.
wherever you could find them.
But upstate, I also had the second part of my childhood there would be like little rivers in the woods.
So you're just playing in a river and building snow shit.
Yeah.
I don't know much about kids born there.
I know that when we had a place upstate, the kids, they were just city kids.
So they weren't interested in going on an adventure.
I'd take them on walks and drag them and then they'd get a tick and then we'd have to be worried about lime.
Going in the woods, there's nothing like that.
You're like, I'm in the fucking woods.
And there's so many different... The beauty of the Catskills is you walk for 20 feet and you're in some weird thing with dead trees everywhere.
Then you walk a little bit farther and there's this weird valley with a stream.
It's like a different country every 50 feet.
And the bugs.
Oof.
I used to love finding bugs.
Oh, you know what we used to do?
Salamanders.
Those are great.
You get those little red newts.
We barely ever saw those.
And we would put, well that means that water was not good in your area.
But where I was, in Berryville, the water was really good.
Not much else was.
But, um, I got an aquarium, and I just, I would get moss and stuff from actual outside, make a little, you know, pond with dirt and mud and stuff and sticks, so it was their own shit, I didn't buy anything.
And then I would occasionally buy crickets, or, or, I got this bug vacuum.
For kids to look at bugs.
It's just like a gun, but it sucks.
Sort of like, I don't know, I was gonna do a gun joke, but I don't know enough about guns.
I heard that.
Sort of like AP30X, now that Smith & Wesson's making them.
Since it sucks.
So then you go outside at night by the light on the porch, and there's 8 billion bugs, right?
Oh yeah.
You start sucking them up all into this little thing, and then you let those buggers loose, and the salamanders just go to town.
That's instant fun right there.
I had 14 at one point, and they're beautiful to look at.
Yeah, salamanders are pretty damn sick.
The first time I saw those in Florida, they were like, here's a fun little trick.
My great-grandparents showed me, you hold the salamander up to your ear, and it just bites your ear, and now you got salamander earrings.
It was like, this rule.
Did you know they start in the water?
Like tadpoles, and then they have their first, I think to their adolescence, they've swum around.
Then they come out, then they're salamanders, without the swishy tail, I believe.
I'm probably getting a lot of this wrong.
And then, when they're old, they go back down.
What?
Back into the water?
Back into the water.
That is really strange there.
So when I had mine, I saw a little one, and it looked smaller.
And I go, why do I have a small one all of a sudden?
They were all the same size before.
And I go, well, they probably had babies here.
And I go, no, they can't have had babies.
There isn't enough water for them to have a whole water phase.
And I think you just, I neglected to feed them once because we were away.
They were at the place upstate, so I wouldn't see them for a week at a time.
Um, and I think his body just shrank.
Wow.
I tried to get ahold of a, one of these amphibian experts to explain.
Anyway, sorry, we're off on a tangent here.
So 14.
Give up video games, start focusing on girls, go to the arcade, but don't play video games, smoke cigarettes, get in trouble, be bad, and make out with a chick, have crushes, get on your bike, form a little group, your little gang, and And don't stay inside.
Have, sort of like I was saying before, but with more mischief.
You should be bad.
You should be bad when you're 14, 15, 16.
And yeah, you're in organized sports and you're playing baseball or whatever, but you're also playing it just amongst your friends.
Like, I want to see more.
Why don't four guys just go down to the baseball dime and just start hitting some balls?
You don't see that very much.
Avoid your parents.
You hate your parents.
And I was talking to someone about boarding school because I'd love to send my kids, but my mother, whoops, my wife would never tolerate that.
She loves them too much.
But they don't like you from 14 to 18 anyway.
And everyone I know who went to boarding school is a complete rock.
Now.
Like, they can talk to billionaires, they can talk to blue collars, they're just survivors.
You could take someone who went to boarding school, male or female, push them out of a plane in the tropics, and then come back three weeks later and they'd have a little coconut stand, and little grass skirts, and they were talking to locals, they would have learned the language.
Like, they're just so adaptable.
So I think that's a very healthy thing to do, but I understand a lot of people can't afford it.
So 14, 18, start being in a band, do stupid shit, I don't know, do graffiti, make terrible paintings, make mistakes.
There's a cool group of dudes, you know Harmony Corrine?
Yeah.
Harmony Corrine and Brian DeGraw and a lot of these people in New York in the early 2000s, they did this sort of, again, kind of a gang, not literally a gang, Um, and they all have a tattoo of a pitchfork on their hand.
And they call themselves the Mistakers.
And their thing is just keep doing stuff.
Make mistakes.
A mistake is a win.
And that is very profound.
That leads you to being an entrepreneur.
That leads you to making great art.
It leads you to doing all kinds of important stuff.
That's really one of my favorite things about the West, about Western culture, is it's just made on going for it.
There's so much of just, I'm going to risk it.
Grit.
Oh, there's a gig in Ohio.
I'm going to try to live in there for a while.
Poof.
You're off.
So now we're at 20, and it's time to go to college.
This one is a pretty controversial one.
I say don't go.
You are going in there to come out stupid and in debt.
You're stupider when you come out than when you went in.
And we were talking to Michael Recktenwald.
We should put up that episode.
It was pretty funny, right?
And he said, the first year, these students come in at NYU, and it's like 60 grand a year now.
It's going to be 100 grand by the time my youngest goes.
And he said, they're about 50-50.
They're normal.
50 are left, 50 are more, I wouldn't say right, but kind of libertarian and wary of socialism.
He said, the next year, that starts changing drastically.
And we're now down to 70-30 with left versus right, 70 being left, obviously.
But he goes, by third year, It's 90% communist, radical leftists.
There's infinite genders, like the crazy, they were around when I was young, but they were these purple haired lesbians that, you know, didn't have any kind of mainstream, what's the word, acceptance.
Like you didn't hear, you didn't hear politicians and writers at the New York Times espousing these radical feminist ideas and radical Antifa ideas like they were normal.
And then he said, and then there's 10% that, I wouldn't call them conservative, but are open-minded to libertarianism and dubious and want to ask questions.
And so it's a radicalizing machine.
It's like a re-education camp.
It's not an education camp.
It's a re-education camp.
And for all this brainwashing, you're coming out with a quarter of a million in debt.
And You have the stupidest job in the world and you speak in a weird language that no one understands like intersectionality and hegemony.
The only place you can use those words is in these left-wing Daily Beast type of blogs.
Which don't pay.
No one's making a living there.
All those people have their daddy pay their rent.
No one is clearing more than 36k at these silly intersectionality blogs like Huffington Post.
Do they even pay their writers?
I know they didn't for a long time.
So, it's going to be a tough sell to your wife to get your kids not to go to college.
And I guess there's a risk that they're kind of lonely doing a job.
But an internship is infinitely more valuable.
You see what goes on there.
Inevitably, they're going to be busy and go, you know what, can you do that?
Can you write up that CD review?
Or can you do this article?
Or can you go and see what's going on at City Hall?
We don't have a reporter.
I'm just thinking in my area, but I'm sure there's other things.
But also, Most of you are dumb.
Most of us are dumb.
And that's the beauty of Britain's O-levels.
I think it's 14.
Now, 14 back then is sort of 20 today, so I don't think my numbers are that mismatched.
At 14 years old, they take this test.
I think it was dropped because it was seen as too eugenics-y, because I believe it is basically an IQ test.
You all get tested, and the smart guys, regardless of their income, go off to secondary education.
5%, that is.
When my dad was a young man, 5% of people went to college.
I think that's what it naturally should be.
Obama's talking about, everyone needs an education!
Nah, not really.
Everyone needs the basics.
They need to, you know, the history of your country and you should know how to read and the basics of math and stuff.
But you don't need, you don't need all these classes, I think.
Sorry, get back to O-Levels.
So my dad's family, he had a lot of siblings, and I don't want to disparage my aunts and uncles, but I think he was much smarter than them, and they call that in IQ, they call that a spike.
So he had a spike, and the rest were normal blue-collar Scotch-Irish guys, you know, living in a shitty slum called the Gorbals.
They did their O-Levels, my dad killed on them, so he's whisked away and gets scholarships to go to really good schools, Glasgow University eventually.
The others didn't get good grades, so they became tradesmen.
And that system worked.
We don't have any tradesmen anymore.
And he went for physics, my dad, and engineering, and math.
I think college should just be STEM.
Now, the other thing they won't, they don't tell you, and I think this is true up until, oh, it's true today, the parents like college because they see it as a perfect place to find a mate.
It's almost, it's almost like eugenics there too, where they go, let's isolate them at this wealthy college and we'll get the good genes, the good rich man genes.
And I don't really care what they do.
I just wanted to find a man.
I get that argument, not, don't necessarily agree with it, but, uh, People don't marry at that age.
You don't marry your college sweetheart anymore.
People are getting married in their 30s.
So even that possible argument is done.
So I think you totally and utterly screw college when you're 20 and you do an internship at something that interests you and you'll soon find out if it doesn't interest you.
Most girls that I meet say they want to, in New York, they want to get into fashion and then they try and they go, Jesus Christ, fashion week is 24 hour days.
I haven't slept in three days.
This sucks.
I'm just doing seating charts for fashion shows and getting yelled at for putting Jeremy Scott in front of Kim Kardashian.
I think that's a much better pass though.
Now we're up to 25.
Guys, I know that marrying in your 20s sounds insane, but you did coke when you were 15.
You got drunk for the first time when you were 14.
You've been partying and sleeping with whoever you want, basically, for a decade.
What are we, Motley Crue?
How long do you have to do this for?
So I think around 25, you should start, I'll tell you what, I tell a lot of guys, go ahead, screw around, play the field.
That's not very Christian.
And I will tell you, you will not find a happier couple than two Catholics who were virgins when they met each other and just started churning out kids from day one.
That's the best case scenario.
I don't see anyone listening to this podcast even considering that.
So we're giving up on the ideal.
But around 25, let's say around 29, 30, you want to start, dudes, you want to start thinking, alright, I've fucked enough chicks, what's the matter with this one?
That's what I always say, like, you get along with this chick, it's been a year, you've been together, you live together, what are you waiting for, her but with bigger tits?
And if it's not going to be, stop wasting your time.
There's a thing here that should be illegal.
It's genocide.
And what it is, is you date a girl at, say, 28 in New York, date her until she's 32, buy her a dog so her maternal instincts are temporarily dismantled, and then around 33 you go, eh, this isn't working out, and you dump her.
Now, it's going to take her a couple years to recover, 35.
For the billionth time, your ovaries are an hourglass.
At 30, the hourglass is turned upside down and the sand is dwindling.
At 35, the sand is all but gone.
Yes, there are a myriad of anecdotal exceptions.
My wife had my last one very late.
My mom had my brother when she was 41.
That is not the norm.
You're going to start pumping yourself full of all kinds of fertility drugs and you're going to have... You know what a lot of those do?
They give you quintuplets and then eight die.
Yeah, like a lot of these... I'm seeing a lot of twins these days and it's women who take so many fertility drugs that they have three or four in there and two die and they end up with twins.
Don't wait too long.
What about my career?
Unless your career's insane, like a brain surgeon, I don't really think it's better than creating and shaping life.
I'm sorry if that's sexist, but you must have a hell of a job if you're gonna give up having babies.
Well, I'll just have them later.
No you won't!
So...
Ladies, I understand you want to slut around.
That's the culture.
I think it has a lot more cons than pros, but whatever.
It's a free country.
But ladies, at 25, you have to stop dating musicians and comedians and guys and photographers because they are going to cheat on you.
You need to find Mr. Right.
And I've talked about this before.
I recommend expats, guys like an Australian guy who lives here because it's hard to get here from Australia.
Producers.
It's a stable job.
Yeah, here's the deal, ladies.
Marry someone who's up at 9 on a Monday morning working on his thing.
So, I hate the job photographer for you.
I don't think it's reliable.
However, if he's up at 9 on a Monday, and he's in his darkroom or whatever, and he's talking to people about a potential shoot, and he's renting a studio, this guy's going places.
Motivated.
Motivated.
I wouldn't even focus on job, like finance.
You could go broke.
And then there's, you know, if he's a blue collar guy.
Well, if he's a blue collar guy, that's different because he's up at five.
But the blue collar, the tradesmen are great.
Tradesmen, especially in New York, are rich.
You're going to have two homes.
You're going to have a boat.
You're always going to have money.
The tradesmen in New York are the new, Are the new rich people and lawyers and doctors yes eventually they start making money But it takes a hell of a long time because the market is so saturated So, ladies gotta start, and you wanna have five kids, but even if you have three, 25, then 26, 27, then 28, 29, and 30, 31.
So we're already in our 30s to have three, and I told you, it's starting to get contentious at 30.
I think my wife had my first daughter at 36, and she was wheeled through a door that said, geriatric mothers.
I promise you, I'm not lying.
That's considered geriatric in the medical profession, which I assume is now considered sexist to say.
So, I think a lot of young women have been brainwashed into thinking that their ovaries last forever, or even freezing them.
That's no guarantee, by the way, when you freeze them.
So, are you one of these women who shouldn't have kids?
They exist.
Again, I think 5%.
My magic number is 5%.
And you know, I know a lot of moms, and one of the reasons I'm on this crusade, which annoys the shit out of my wife, because I'm telling other people what to do, but I can't tell you how many old moms like my age go, what the fuck were we waiting for?
Why did I wait till 38 or 36 to have a kid?
Plus you're kind of tired when you're old.
You don't have the same kind of energy.
24 year old doesn't get any sleep.
She doesn't give a shit.
All right.
So, We're now 25, we're starting dating.
Let's say it's, you're 31, you're 25.
It's time, this might be the one.
Here's how, you've got to read this book, The Curmudgeon's Guide to Getting Ahead by Charles Murray.
He has a chapter in it about finding Mrs. Right.
Now, uh, I've heard many people say that you have to have the same politics, and I'm sure that helps.
My wife and I do not, and it is rocky at times, but we have so much more in common with, you know, growing up loving punk rock, and we have the same sense of humor, and we have the same exact taste, and, you know, everything from clothing, and to music, to fashion, that is the same thing, to furniture.
Like, I love the way she She decorates the house.
I love everything she makes to eat.
And she DJs better for me than I would for myself.
I'll put on Peter and the Test Tube Babies or something and go, why do I like this album?
It sucks.
Or, and then she'll have some mix where she'll be doing, you know, Lou Reed or something, and then make it a little faster, like Bad Brains, but then it'll go into some soul music and notice reading.
And it's just like, you're, I want to hire you.
Oh, wait, you're my wife.
Okay.
Well, keep, keep Spotify-ing it up.
Um.
So that's why we last.
But it's funny how he talks about the things, he goes, the secret to finding a mate is you have to differentiate between the superficial differences and the fundamental differences.
I'm paraphrasing him.
And one of the ones he used, and I'm not sure I agree with this, but punctuality.
Like, say it's really important to be punctual, and you're very insulted when people are late, and she's the opposite, he goes, that's probably not gonna work out.
So when you have these fundamental traits, like you're a neat freak and she's a slob, he says it's probably not going to work out.
When those personality-defining traits, like you love tipped humor and he's one of these doctor guys who cannot riff, those aren't going to work.
And a similar background helps.
You know, my wife and I both grew up middle class.
Both our parents are still together.
That, I think, shapes us.
Yeah, so anyway.
Charles Murray's better at picking this out, but I also think the beauty of love is it's kind of not up to you.
The Lord in heaven above.
Like if you're in a relationship and you guys aren't meant to be, I don't think you can do much to keep it together.
Now you can be a lazy dick and drag it out and ruin her ovaries.
Oh wait, I didn't explain why that's a mass murder.
So she's 35 by the time she recovers.
Now she can't have kids.
Now those kids can't have kids.
Now those kids can't have kids.
Didn't you just kill like a million people?
By using up this woman's ovaries.
You know, they used to call it the best years of her life.
But now, there's no stigma on that.
And you can just use women as sex slaves in New York.
Feminists have done so much for horny, lazy guys.
It's such a great setup for them.
They just get booty called late at night, ignore them.
Women in New York get used so badly.
That includes the feminists who think that they've rescued themselves from the kitchen.
Believe me, housewives in kitchens get it so much better than empowered single feminists, especially over 30.
You know, you look around the suburbs and so many of these women, especially the ones with nannies and au pairs and stuff, their lives are just the gym, brunch, chatting, little committees and little clubs they've started.
It looks like heaven.
And then you see some other poor girl in the city slogging away on some blog that you can just tell by the writing it's not her calling.
And she's getting dumped and ugh.
Just being used for sex.
It's not a good life, lady.
As I've always said, New York City's an elephant's graveyard for ovaries.
So, now we've got a- uh oh.
Just have to make sure there's no emergencies.
There's some drama going down at the OK Corral.
No, someone just sent me a meme.
So you found the guy, right?
You found the one.
And here's another pet peeve of mine.
This whole thing about money.
We'll have kids, but... I meet these couples, they're newly married, they're on birth control.
What?
Why did you get married for?
You've got to start churning them out.
Oh no, we want to get a nicer house and then we can, when we can afford it.
Kids are free.
You live in an apartment, you can add a little, another bed in there.
They're not going to need more room for a long time.
Lots of kids grow up in apartments in the city.
Public school is free.
You can try to find, there's some good public schools in New York, not a ton, but you can You can homeschool them a little bit.
You can improve what they go through at those public schools.
And the thing I don't get too about, it's more expensive to have a family.
It's just a few more groceries.
Your wife's sleeping in your bed.
She doesn't need her own bedroom.
So just, it's the life of a bachelor, but with two more people in it.
And you'll start making money, trust me.
The second you have a kid in there, it just puts a fire under your ass.
And all of a sudden you're just hustling.
Because sitting in bed all day watching Netflix is a major catastrophe.
I could have been making money, I could have been helping us find a place near that good public school.
Be better.
Be better.
You just be better when you, uh...
When you have a kid.
So now you're churning them out, you're 35, whatever, starting a business, and if you've been following my advice since the day you were born, you have an economic libido.
So all that pool cleaning and lawn mowing and delivering newspapers and working at the gas station and then being a waiter and then being a cook and then being a bartender and then interning.
You got some prospects here.
We're cooking.
You started out mowing the lawns at Universal Records and then you worked as a clerk there and an intern.
And now you're a major biz dev guy.
And you're doing well at it because you started from the ground up.
So you know the company and how it works intimately.
This is why Tower Records was such a success for such a long time, because all the top brass started from the bottom.
Gotta see the documentary about them, All Things Must Pass.
It tells you so much about economics and the trouble with corporations today, where we just hire these over-educated finance guys who have never, never picked up a shovel.
And by the way, when you are partying and you're a bad boy and you're up to mischief in your teens, you can't wait to move out of the house.
So you move out at 18 and now you've got all those jobs and maybe that internship coming up.
So you've been hustling for a while now.
These infantilized, these wrinkled teenagers who'd stay in the house till they're 25, 6, 7 playing video games, they are infantilized.
And they've never been in a fight.
They never had a job.
So they're really just sort of like ten-year-olds.
And so now you're a ten-year-old out in the world.
And what do ten-year-olds do when they're out in the world?
They cry, and they whine, and they say Trump is a Nazi, and they say everyone's racist, and they say the world's evil, and everything sucks, and we need socialism because I need free shit because I don't know how to do anything.
I need Bernie Madoff to change my diapers.
Yeah, they have an abysmal, grudging view of the world.
Yeah, really negative, grumpy, bratty view.
But not when you're out there hustling and doing stuff.
So now you're a dad, and I think most women would be happier at home, 95% of the time.
But I think we overestimate how hard it is to be a parent, how great we have to be.
And that's that argument I had with that woman, the pie life.
Did you ever find her?
Yep.
The Pie Life woman?
That's why I was arguing with her.
A huge part of being a parent is just being there.
Samantha Eddis, that's her name.
She's a liberal, but a very cool person, and I thought we had a fair fight.
She has no babies?
Is that her deal?
She's got babies, but she doesn't see them very much, because she's a workaholic, and she says that's good.
Because when she sees them, they get all her attention, and women are not fulfilled unless they bust their ass.
She has exact opposite views of me on this.
I think it's important.
You're almost like a security guard as a dad.
You don't have to be in their face all the time, but there's going to be a time when they want to talk to you, or they need a hug, or the mom needs help with discipline, and that's when you got to get in there.
Or when they get lied to in school and get told that Martin Luther King was killed with a gun and guns are evil and you have to say, actually Martin Luther King was waiting for his gun license when he was shot and he should have been better able to defend himself.
So they're not, that's not quite the whole story there.
And I think that's important just to be home.
You know?
Here's another big doozy you want to have.
Make sure you eat your... I could do a whole other thing on the importance of families, but...
You all have to eat together.
Say grace.
And you all have to eat together.
There's been all these studies of kids who get into trouble and a big part of it is that they didn't eat dinner together.
No screens at the dinner table.
You gotta fight the screens with a passion.
That's 60% of your job these days as a parent is getting their faces away from those fucking screens.
And then, um, they get, they start getting older now and you're trying to give them that childhood that we talked about in the beginning.
That's a big part of your job.
And here's the biggie guys.
Here's the number one most important thing about raising kids.
Don't, do not get divorced.
When you get divorced, you tell your kids love is bullshit, marriage is not a thing you should even try doing, and relationships are not that important, and they're not going to get married, and they're not going to have kids.
And so that's another massive genocide where you prevented a million people being born, which you probably think is good for the environment.
And, you know, in marriage you can have a bad year.
It's not all peaches and cream.
You can go months without sex.
There's going to be times when you're addicted to each other.
You're sex addicts.
There's going to be other times when you're not into it.
There's going to be times when you sleep on the couch.
And I think a lot of young married people go, Oh, this year sucked.
We're done.
It's we fell out of love.
And that destroys the kids.
And you'll notice, by the way, when people get divorced and they talk about, oh, my life now, I can order Thai whenever I want.
And I don't have to, I don't have to fuck my husband if I don't want to.
Not that anyone has to do that, but there was like my freedom, my freedom, my freedom.
And they never talk about the kids and what it did to them.
And I'm convinced that, you know, there's a, Everyone says that black crime, well racists say that black crime is because blacks have a predilection for crime.
The far left says no, the black crime rate is high because of racism and they feel like they have no other voice and they can't get a job because everyone hates black people.
I don't think it's either of those things.
I think welfare has incentivized single motherhood and study after study shows that children of single mothers have bigger crime problems.
They have more trouble.
They have more trouble at school.
They have more trouble with mental health.
There's a million things that go wrong when you don't have a dad.
And one, I read one article that said it could just be idle hands too.
Like you're sitting around bored.
You don't have discipline.
Your dad didn't make you get a job.
And you're like, let's get up.
Let's steal some Coke.
Let's join a gang.
That looks fun.
You have low self-value and, uh, you know, maybe some anger that hadn't gotten out there.
You're not quite sure.
You resent your dad, too, for not being around?
I was, did you know, at the hostel I used to work at, um, this stripper, this black chick with all these tattoos, she came up here from, like, Louisiana or something.
She was, like, a cool chick.
And she liked punk music and shit.
She asked me, she was like, no strings attached, I think we'd have beautiful babies, and I'll have you sign something so you don't have to pay child support, but I can get this, that, and the third if I have a kid.
No joke.
She said that to me.
So she knew the system and she knew that that was just a thing that you could do.
How romantic!
Yeah, and so I would have created some little murderer because I wouldn't be around.
Well, here's the proof.
She's a stripper.
Back before welfare, blacks and whites committed crimes about the same.
They were not disproportionately represented in the crime rate when blacks were married.
And by the way, that was a much more racist time.
So I think that just solves it.
What was the soundbite you thought was relevant there?
What's that supposed to mean?
So now we're at, we're raising our kids, we're doing okay, we're not getting divorced by any means and I've written about this.
I'm pretty happy with an article I wrote called Divorce Your Wife when I was about recording your wife from scratch.
That's on Tacky's mag.
Then you get older and I don't really have to get into too much on this part because I already explained the ideal childhood and it involves employment when the kids are 14 and a lot less video games and all that stupid crap.
I remember at that age when you start liking girls and it's magical too because they go from these useless things that don't know anything about what you like and anything about Batman And you go, why are these here?
They're just weak boys.
They're just boys that are less funny.
And they like stupid stuff like Archie comics.
And then it's almost overnight.
They become angels.
And they walk into a room and your heart, your fucking stomach drops.
And it's like they're in slow-mo all the time.
And for me, it was the eighties.
So they had the big tongues on their Nike blazers and skin tight jeans and lumberjack jackets and feathered blonde hair and a deaf leopard t-shirt.
And I was just like, you went from a waste of time to the Virgin Mary.
I, what can I do?
Can I just kiss?
Can, can I kiss your mail?
Can you bring in some of your mail and I'll kiss your address?
Can I eat your apple core after you're done?
Or just maybe, I don't know, embalm it and put it in a plaque case that I can look in and it'll say Donna DeLiva's apple core.
It's amazing.
And you think about them all night.
You're just consumed with romance.
And it's not lusty like, I wouldn't mind banging her.
That comes way later.
Now it's just like, she's a fucking goddess.
Anyway.
So, you want your kids to do that, of course you're worried about birth control, of course you're petrified of your daughter getting pregnant, you're petrified of drunk driving, you gotta watch out for all that.
You gotta get, there's this black box you can get, where it goes in the car, and it zaps all the phones, so you can't text or drive unless you pull over and call or text.
That's pretty cool.
Whoa, this has been a long ass podcast.
I'm late.
And then...
The kids leave.
At 18, your kids should be out of your house.
Now you got the empty nest syndrome.
Sell the house.
You don't need all that house.
And I think you should get two small apartments.
One in a city you like.
I hear good things about Kansas City.
Wait a minute, are you still working now?
Kids 18.
Okay, if you're still working, still move to the city.
But if you're about to retire, I think you should do what my parents did where they have a pretty, well they have a pretty big place in Canada, but they should get a small apartment in Canada and a small apartment in Florida, a blue-collar place in Florida, because there's so much more fun bars there and in places like around Orlando, you just walk into those bars and everyone wants to chat.
Of course you don't want to be there in the summer.
But, and you can do house exchanges where you go to France and then they can stay in your house.
Do some of that shit.
And of course, stick around with your wife.
Play Sudoku a lot so your brain doesn't rot.
And keep a really close relationship with your family.
You should see them twice a year.
And here's one thing that seems to be fading.
Baby boomers are not very famous for this.
There's been a few articles about this in the New York Times where Baby boomers are not the grandfathers that they had.
The grandfathers baby boomers had would build the boy a go-kart and he'd build the daughter some insane dollhouse with little sinks and bathrooms and all that stuff.
They don't really do that anymore.
In fact, they have this thing, and this is not my in-laws or my parents, but They have this thing where they find grandfather and grandmother to be, uh, make them feel too old.
So they change that to call me Zubit, no, Booba.
Call me Booba.
One of my buddies resents it.
So he calls his, he has them call his mom Grand Booba, like the Grand Pooba in Flintstones.
Um, But I think it's crucial that you maintain a good relationship with your grown kids and your grandkids.
And there's been lots of studies, I've talked about these before, where centenarians, they studied them all, and they realized there was a lot of, what's that called when two circular graphs meet in the middle?
I forget.
The common traits were... Venn diagram is what it's called, yeah.
The common traits were lots of fish, so there was a lot of Greeks and Japanese and people who lived along in the Mediterranean and along islands like that.
A lot of rice and They stayed with their family, their grandkids, and especially their grandkids, great grandkids, and they noticed that this helped stave off dementia and senility and Alzheimer's.
In fact, there was even a case, you can look this up in the New York Times, there's even a case where a guy was suffering from Alzheimer's, he moved in with his family and his great-grandchildren, and it went away.
He started getting smart again.
Which I believe is God, or you can say nature if you're an atheist, is nature rewarding him and saying, well, I put you here to make more people.
Ladies, we're all here to make more human beings.
This is all part of a big plan.
That's why our lifespan is going up.
We're still perfecting this giant thing called humanity.
So not having kids and killing a lineage of Hundreds of thousands of years, just because you wanted to blog, it seems to me it's really dropping the ball.
But anyway, I think that these centenarians do so well around their great-grandchildren because it's endorphins in their brain rewarding them and saying, this is it, you did it!
I mean, it's one thing to have kids, but if they don't have kids, you're not really, that wasn't so great.
That's why you always see grandparents freak out when they're on these videos where the daughter says, you're pregnant, she's pregnant.
Once you get grandkids, then you can really hang up your hat.
Now you really nailed it.
Now the ball has some momentum.
It's like when you start a fire, and you have, like, you get blown a bit, you get it going pretty good, and, you know, it looks like two human hands worth of fire, and you're thinking, this is pretty good, but it could go out again.
The wood's not too dry, it could go out again.
Then, you know, you get some more smaller sticks, and then it's really cooking, and then you start seeing red embers, and it gets to the point where you can just throw any log there, and it's just gonna be going all night, or till that log's gone.
It's gonna, everything starts like that.
That's what grandkids are.
The fire is cooking now.
And then those great grandkids have babies, and we're back to the beginning on how to be born.
And that is...
And by the way, I don't know if I'll accomplish any of these things.
So you're not hearing from Michael Jackson how to write a good pop song.
You're hearing from a guy who's thought about this a lot and has figured out how to have the perfect life.
I still, I got a lot of tweaks to work on, and I may not accomplish any of the things I'm saying that should be accomplished, but that doesn't mean I can't say.
What should be accomplished.
So start give this this podcast to your baby at the hospital when he's born and make sure he checks in on it every couple years.
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