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Aug. 21, 2018 - Get Off My Lawn - Gavin McInnes
43:03
Ep 173 | High Rise Target | Get Off My Lawn
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Time Text
Hello, boys and girls.
Welcome to Get Off My Lawn.
I seem kind of dark, don't I?
Maybe that's just in this monitor.
We've got a very special show here because we are at a different studio.
I'm doing some work on my studio, and I went down the hall to Compound Media.
This is where Ant does his show.
So we're going to be mucking about here for a bit.
Just got back from a Tommy Robinson, Free Tommy Robinson rally, where Rahim Kassan showed up.
I'm going to try to get him on another show.
But we were all talking about England when we were there and doing the speeches and just in the crowd.
And I realized that there's two Britons right now.
The shit Britain and the good Britain.
And the sh ⁇ Britain is the media class, the creative class.
They're in bed with Islam for some weird reason.
I don't get it at all.
It's like when you see a hot chick with a really fat, ugly guy, and you go, oh, he must be rich.
No, he's broke.
He's unemployed.
And you go, hmm.
Penises aren't that special.
So what could he possibly be doing?
They're terrible together.
And that's Islam and the far left.
They are, you're going to be the first to go.
We saw this in Iran, right?
The revolutionaries, the commies, said, hey, religious clerics, can you just hold a spot in the government while we go fight these bad guys?
And they went, yeah, sure.
And make some laws, do whatever you do, but just, I'll be there in a second.
I just have to fight a revolution.
Then they turn around and they go, oh, we ruined the whole country.
Everyone has to wear a garbage bag on their head now.
Sorry.
Or they get fucking lashes.
They get lashes.
Is there anything more archaic than lashes?
What else do you do?
Drop a stone on their toe?
It's like when British people say they're four stone.
You may want to come out of the cave days.
But anyway, the two Britons are the media class and the rich, and they are socialists, and they hate Tommy Robinson.
They hate Yelbos.
And then there's the Yalbos, the dead-end Yobs, the working class blue-collar dudes.
And these guys are giving me a lot of hope that they can get these guys to at least move out of the way while we go and address some pedophile problems.
Seems pretty reasonable to me, does it not?
Tommy Robinson is in jail for being rude to pedophiles.
Nice country.
And you often hear cases over there of some Muslim getting released early or not getting a tough sentence because he didn't understand the culture or he didn't understand the language.
He didn't really get no.
By the way, the first thing you do when you land anywhere is you learn yes, no.
I mean, you go to the Russian airport and you're like, I need to know yes and no before I get off this plane because I'm going to be raping some Russians and I want to know if they don't like it.
Joshly, Joshly, are you saying faster?
No, I thought you were Joshly.
This is a date gone wrong.
So what is this show now?
I'm figuring out a new way to do things.
This is...
We have Cody Wilson on the show.
He's the guy who built that 3D printer gun that looked stupid.
It looked like a dumb space gun, but it will blow your head off.
He's since created milling machines that can make steel guns that look exactly like AR-15s.
You could make anything.
You could make an Uzi.
And it wouldn't look like his first stupid plastic thing.
It would look like an NWA Uzi.
Remember NWA's biggest beef son straight out of Compton?
One, I'm a psycholunatic murderer that quote-unquote never should have been let out the penitentiary.
Second biggest point in that record, the cops keep bugging me for no reason, probably because I'm brown.
That's the only reason they could possibly, dude, two songs ago, you just said you need to be put in jail.
They caught you.
So we'll talk to Cody Wilson about that.
And we'll also check out this video going around of this woman wearing a Puerto Rican shirt and getting yelled at by an old man.
Lady, all we do is get yelled at by old men.
You got to come to New York City.
I think everyone, every snowflake should come to New York just to be berated for a few hours, to see what it's like to thicken their skin.
Because we are constantly getting yelled.
Even today, I'm with Ryan Ketsu Riveri.
He's got a MAGA hat on.
And these guys are sort of laughing and pointing at him.
And then they're waiting by the car.
So I think someone's going to key my car.
It might be keyed right now, for all I know.
But we still waited in the lobby and were sort of peering around the corner waiting to see if they were going to do something.
That's normal.
I wouldn't call the cops about that.
I don't have a panic attack.
And the cop, by the way, who didn't come to her aid has been fired.
Let go for not being our nannies.
I got beat up by Nazi skinheads when I was 16.
If I had called the cops, I would have been persona non grata forever.
I would be ruined.
So you just had to sit there and take a beating.
Call the cops when someone rapes you or tries to kill you or something.
Imagine you go to the police academy, you're shooting all those cardboard things, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
Doing all those push-ups, whatever they do.
And then your first day on the job, hey, a drunk guy is teasing someone about a shirt.
Can you get in your squad car and go take care of it?
No, I'm not doing that.
So let's go through some news items.
Now, we've got a new mana at the helm right now.
When I was looking for a new producer after Dave Cass got scooped by Fox News, I was thinking, I want someone who's just like me, but smarter.
Like I want to clone myself, but be good at technical stuff.
I want basically Asian me.
And I did that.
I got Asian Gavin to be my guy.
I'm right here, Gav.
Regular me.
Can we cut to you?
Do you know how to do that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
By the way, your imitation of me just captures one tiny facet of my myriad of personalities.
Yeah, I know.
It's much like a Chinese rip-off that you get at Canal Street.
It's pretty good.
Yeah, but that's just, that guy you're doing is just when I'm like, they don't even understand why they're there in the first place.
They're freaking losers.
Yeah, so I'm just being effusive about something that is incongruous.
But I have romantic me.
I have angry me.
I have, you should see the me the one I'm lovemaking.
Yo, I do.
I go like this.
Asian and pathetic or remember in college, this black dude goes, you need to work on your sex face.
And I go, what?
Make an intense face when you're with a chick, and then she tells her friends about it, and then you're known as an intense dude.
So I listened to him.
And about the next 10 times I had the sex, I was going, but it was pretty cool.
Here's mine.
Oh, that's pretty good.
You look like you're getting a colonoscopy.
You want to know what mine is now?
Yeah.
That I'm married?
It's just.
Okay.
It's very rushed when you have three kids.
Yeah, so we'll talk to Cody Wilson.
We'll check out this Puerto Rican shirt.
And then we'll all come back and have fun with the kooky video.
We'll be right back.
Cody, are you there, sir?
Hey, Kevin, what's up?
I'm here.
You are a man who can show the world how to make their own guns.
Not an especially important man after this week's news.
I am like any other man now in that we can all do it.
Yeah, I guess so.
Now, you were in big trouble last time I spoke to you because you had published blueprints on how a 3D printer can make basically any gun.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
3D printing was a good way to demonstrate that.
The state didn't really have a good way to present itself as in the middle of that equation.
So you could easily demonstrate that, hey, look, this doesn't require the state to interfere.
So now it shut you down and they said this is illegal, it's violent, it's dangerous.
And then you came back and said, no, it's my First Amendment right.
Yeah, that's about it.
The Obama administration decided, we can probably control this.
And after years of mixing it up, the DOJ ran away from it.
It was a pretty bad First Amendment case.
And so as of now, you've won your case.
You can publish this information.
I've won.
I can publish.
But the more important thing is that everyone can publish by extension.
Americans have the right to traffic in this information on the Internet.
Therefore, guns are downloadable for, I suppose, the rest of time.
That's incredible.
I mean, I remember when you started, you had that weird-looking space gun that was plasticky, white plastic thing.
It looked like a Smurf had gave birth to one of its sisters or something.
It looked like an inbred sort of a Star Trek toy.
And that I could see getting dangerous.
But then you came up with your own sort of milling machine.
And now you can build an AK-47 or anything.
Sure, sure.
And you don't need like my equipment or you don't need 3D printing.
What we've won here is a license, really like the latitude for anybody to share the data related to any type of gun to make it in any way that they want.
So this is a victory across all channels, right?
It's a total harvest.
It is amazing.
Well, the two big things I think when I see you and your case and the victory here is, one, aren't you scared?
Well, I mean, I am appropriately, I don't know, prepared for...
But this has been my life for many years now.
I'm not, sure, I'm maybe naive in some ways, but then you can't accuse me of being completely naive.
I know what it takes to fight and win in this environment.
Yeah, a good point.
You're sort of like the Hammonds there, the Ranchers, where they eventually won, although they only won because Trump pardoned them.
But the Ranchers, the Hammonds was a case of the state not wanting someone to thrive and then using the law to their advantage to shut those people down.
And up until very recently, they were successful.
I did this research on all the deaths around Hillary.
And as I was doing it, there was like four or five that I just couldn't explain away.
And I started getting scared as I was doing the research because I thought, am I appearing now on some like, beep, beep, beep, beep, someone's getting too close.
You're going up against the whole government and their whole obsession with guns.
That's much bigger.
There's so many unfinished rooms and loopholes in large bureaucratic organizations where even at this point, the DOJ attorneys themselves don't really understand the arguments that are being made, right?
This is the consequence of building something so large and terrible in its power.
When you become such a specialist as I, even the judges don't know what you're talking about after a certain point.
So sure, power operates nakedly.
I understand that, and I won't be immune from that.
But it's possible in this day to shame this power and to embarrass it even.
Oh, that's fascinating.
Oh, that's fascinating.
Because it comes down to you saying, look, I want to make a little piece of steel that has three circles in the middle and one little divot at the top and a hole in the bottom third of it.
You're saying I can't do that?
Okay, what if it doesn't have a hole in the bottom third?
And the next thing you know, they're forced to copyright every single piece of a gun and every permutation of every single piece.
I mean, that's infinite.
You've got it.
Think of the alternative scenario, which some of these gun controllers will probably howl about again next week.
But does the State Department even want the power to police every gun file related to every gun on the internet?
This is an overwhelming task.
And I'm sure that they're almost grateful that it was concluded in this way.
You know, power itself only wants to present itself as the sign of power.
It doesn't want the terrible task of having to exercise itself.
Yeah, I don't think it would be even possible.
I think they would start it.
They did something similar, not even remotely similar, actually.
They did something in the same universe In Canada, where they said, let's just register every gun.
And so it cost, I don't know, I think $7 million.
And all these farmers show up with their 22s and they're writing it all down.
And they slowly realize, we don't have the bandwidth to track all these guns.
We have bitten off more than we can chew.
Now, that's a tiny, tiny fraction of what they're threatening you with.
This was, frankly, this was my intuition from the beginning.
I don't claim to be an especially intelligent person either, but it was that could a police power like they were suggesting those years ago really become real?
And I think the key to this case was being willing to challenge that power to become real because I didn't think that they really meant it to.
And I think facts are bearing out my intuition.
That's incredible.
So let me just get this straight.
You have 3D printers, but you also have this milling machine that can do steel, right?
Sure, aluminum and steel, and yeah, of course.
And you sell that as a separate thing.
I do.
I sold it to fund the lawsuit.
Okay.
So if I lived in, say, Arizona, I could make an AK-47 using your instructions.
What would that run me, roughly?
Our platform right now is better for the AR-15, which is as popular as the AK.
But that platform is $1,700, $1,800, all told, about as expensive as an expensive AR-15.
And does that include the machine?
Oh, that is the machine with the fixturing.
Oh, okay, because the actual tools and the actual materials, that's nothing.
That's a pile of aluminum.
Yeah, it's really inexpensive.
We're talking about each component less than $100, depending upon how complicated you want to get it.
But if I've already spent the $1,700, I could arguably make 100 AR-15s.
I think you would know if you're an owner of our machine that that is in fact the power that you have purchased for yourself.
So now my AR-15s are about $100 each.
You know, I'm not sure about the unit economics, but there are plenty of our customers who've decided to go into business and themselves become licensed manufacturer dealers, whatever.
That's an option.
That's a route you can take.
Of course, the real power here is that you know you have an industrial capacity to make whatever you want and no one has to know about it.
Yeah, that's really the shocking part.
That's the part where I would be scared to be you because you're now wielding so much power, it's a threat to the real powers that be.
Maybe.
At the same time, look, I'm no manufacturing concern.
I'm no big industrial power.
And I've given all these plans and this equipment essentially away, right?
I haven't patented it.
There's no copyrights involved.
There's no trademark.
Like, if you were afraid of me, you should have dealt with me a few years ago.
You shouldn't have given me all this time to give it away.
They tried.
But the fact that you gave it out, it kind of absolves you of danger.
It's sort of like you've thrown the poison into the water supply now, but they can't get it out.
I object to the analogy.
You've thrown that molly into the water supply.
Look, you should have seen how absurd some of this got.
We were literally in the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals arguing about, well, if someone comes to a public library and checks out what I have in a book, how is that different from download?
You know, it was getting to some real angels on the heads of needles arguments.
Yeah, yeah, that's inevitable.
You were pretty smart to realize it's going to end up there because I guess when you sit back, you sit in a lazier chair, you smoke a joint, you kind of inevitably end up at that conclusion, no matter which way you slice it.
I think if you hang around on the internet enough, like I know you and I have, you begin to understand things from an internet-centric point of view.
And you understand that these social effects and mass media effects cut in particular ways.
And so, yeah, it just seemed obvious to me.
Maybe I wouldn't win because I'm particularly objectionable.
But no matter even if I lost in court, ultimately the internet would serve gun files for people.
That just seemed evident to me.
Okay, so sorry to be pedantic here, but I need to get back to this AR-15 I just built.
So I'm in a state that's pretty good with gun laws.
I build this, this AR-15.
It's in my house.
The police come by for something unrelated.
They see it there.
Could I be charged with having an illegal gun?
Is that gun illegal?
Well, remember, like all good lawyers would answer, the answer depends on your laws state by state.
Not every state has the same laws about homemade guns, but for the most part, the 50 states have nothing to say about the fact that you made a gun for yourself.
So the question is often a question of federal law.
And that question is usually, if you have the right to own the type of gun that you made, like if you had the right, you weren't a felon and you could own a semi-automatic AK-47, then without question, you have the right to also make a semi-automatic AK-47.
So if I live in Manhattan and I have an AR-15, they don't care if I bought it or I made it, I'm in big trouble.
Even so, in New York, there's the SAFE Act.
So as long as your AR is SAFACT compliant, this is often a feature test.
I have to remember to tell people, I'm not a lawyer, so this isn't legal advice.
As long as your AR is SAFE Act or whatever, jurisdictionally compliant, even so, you can still maintain that weapon.
Because owning an AR-15 in Manhattan is, you're in big, big trouble.
Or owning a handgun in Manhattan is a huge deal.
I have people that own our equipment and use it in Manhattan.
Manhattan only cares about its particular adjustments for what your gun can look like.
This is a compromise we've made with gun control over the years.
California, New York, Massachusetts, they've all got their own ways of saying, well, this is the legal configuration of this gun that you can have.
It looks sometimes grotesque and different from how I would configure it in Texas, but essentially you still have the same gun.
Dude, this is huge.
I actually think it can't be overstated.
I don't know what I expected, but this is the internet, right?
This is guns on the internet.
This is a ballgame in many senses.
Yeah.
I mean, it was the keepers of the gate up until – this is – You've totally reinvented, like, this is literally going in the history books.
Yeah, probably.
But, you know, what's ironic is I think people will forget this in part, and they'll just assume it always was this way on the internet.
And that's probably how it should be.
I mean, because to a large part, there were always gun files online.
Even while I was doing my lawsuit, there was a large proliferation of them.
It's just, this is where we were at this point in the history of the internet.
So it's nice to have also gotten official permission from the U.S. government.
Thanks, guys.
I mean, what can I say?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, at least you acknowledged it and it's on the books now.
Okay, last question.
And I asked this last time: Are you rich?
I got a guy here.
I just heard you say that.
I don't know what rich means.
I'm...
Is this enough?
Is that enough?
What are you happy now?
I've been able to afford all the trouble I've gotten in so far.
How about that?
I think that's a good measure.
Yeah, that's pretty rich.
And can you afford to get into the trouble that you make for yourself and get out of it?
And that's been a good test for me over the years.
I'll say as well that, you know, it was good of me and my company to decide to take Bitcoin six years ago.
So do without what you will.
That's rich.
That's the answer right there, buddy.
And there's lots of time for lots of people to benefit from this decision.
And maybe what we think of as rich today isn't what we would call rich tomorrow.
I'll see you on Mars, right?
Yeah, money's irrelevant at the end of the day.
What's really relevant?
What helps you sleep at night is when you have character, you have legacy, you have honor.
And you must sleep like a baby because you went out on a limb here, you fought the law, and you won.
I know that everything is temporary, right?
Like even next week, maybe they could decide to screw me somehow, but it's beautiful in this moment.
And I guess all I can say is you have to have an extra rational form of diligence if you want to see anything happen.
And all I can say is, look, I'm proud to have done it.
I'm proud to have suffered.
The U.S. government gave my life meaning because what would I have done?
Just like had some empty startup and done nothing for the last five years.
Like, I'm happy to have suffered in this way and contributed to our Second Amendment.
Well, we're happy you suffered on our behalf.
We really appreciate it.
Yeah, not necessary, dude.
It was a blast.
You've seen some of my stuff.
I enjoyed every minute of it.
Well, right on, Cody.
Let's have you back soon.
And if you get arrested, I'd like to be in charge of your legal defense fund.
Although, you're rich.
Just cash in one of your Bitcoins.
Look, man, you run a company the way I do.
I can't, you know, I'm like Gus Fring and Breaking Bat, man.
I can't afford to be down for very long or it all goes away.
But look, this has been an honor.
I'm happy to have met you and the course of doing all these things.
It's great.
This has been so much fun.
Thank you for having me.
It's awesome, man.
Let's hang out soon.
I'd love that.
Thank you.
Cheers, buddy.
Here's a common theme as of late.
It is people calling the police every time there's any kind of conflict.
I think we've become such nanny state plebs that anytime something goes slightly wrong, we go, I'm not handling this.
You handle this state.
You handle this state.
That's a very dangerous thing to do.
When you hand over your autonomy to the police, to the government, to the local park ranger, what you're saying is, don't leave me to my own devices.
Don't give me freedom.
We are handing our freedom back to the police, back to the state.
And I love the cops, but I'm sure they would agree with me.
Stop calling us for everything.
Now, this is a woman wearing a shirt that says Puerto Rico on it, and she gets confronted by a drunken idiot, old man, racist moron.
Big deal.
Tell him to get lost.
Here we go.
This woman gets harassed.
Now you'll notice, by the way, pause.
Now this loves this kind of stuff because the left's whole narrative is that we are under siege.
The KKK, the racists are everywhere.
They're attacking Puerto Ricans.
Look, I've lived amongst Puerto Ricans for the better part of the past 20 years and they're not under threat.
They're not in danger.
If you've seen the Puerto Rican Day parade in New York, you know that they are definitely not living in fear.
In fact, the cops are living in fear of that parade.
It's one of their least favorite gigs is the Puerto Rican Day Parade.
But anyway, this guy comes up to her and he yells, because this is America.
Now, they love that this is filmed because the left loves using this as fodder to justify the myth that we're living in a horrible racist country.
So some dumb, drunk old man yelling his head off about something he misunderstands.
I wouldn't be surprised, by the way, if this guy thinks it's a Cuba shirt because the flags are alarmingly similar.
So this guy's made a mistake.
Just say, get lost, old man.
I mean, in Glasgow, my whole life growing up, we had crazy drunk old guys, and you'd say, get lost.
You'd make fun of them.
You'd make a joke.
You wouldn't start filming it so it can become a meme and then also insist the police come to save you.
That's not American.
I guess I'm just as mad at her as this drunk old man.
I am a drunk old man.
Well, first of all, the United States owns Puerto Rico, so we're part of the United States.
Puerto Rico is in America, by the way.
Okay.
Okay.
What's he saying?
It's not part of America.
Well, what's your point, sir?
He doesn't have a point.
He's moving, because I can.
He's not going to be afraid of the money.
Officer, can you please I'm renting this area and he's harassing me about the shirt that I'm wearing.
You're not wearing anything.
I did rent this shirt.
Now one thing I will handle.
I have a permit for this.
Right, sir.
Can you please step away from me, sir?
Can you please step away from me?
Just pause.
Isn't that really sort of a legal jargon, sort of a copy thing to say?
Can you please step away from me, sir?
Make it clear to the assailant that you told him that you didn't want to be confronted.
Now the cop should have yelled, buddy, buddy, come here, let's go, let's go.
Something like that, rather than just completely ignore it.
But this is not an example of racism.
This is an example of the stupid confrontations we all experience every day, all over the world.
It's not indicative of a giant racist pattern, and it's not indicative of the police not doing their jobs.
This isn't their job.
Can we handle anything by ourselves, please?
The reason we have cops is not to handle offensive t-shirts.
It's to stop murderers, rapists, pedophiles, bank robbers, you know, bad guys, not dumb, drunk guys.
Go ahead.
You're not going to change us.
You know that?
I'm not trying to change anyone.
I'm just trying to come here for a birthday party.
She's the same as other historians.
Okay.
Yeah, you're right.
You should not be wearing that in the United States of America.
Yes, I am.
Can you please get away from me?
Can you please get away from me?
Officer, I feel highly uncomfortable.
Can you please?
It does kind of annoy me.
And Brian Lilly, who turned out to be a total traitor over at Rebel, he brought up this good point during the World Cup.
He said, we're all in Canada now.
Why do you have a Brazilian flag over your car during the World Cup?
Why do you find what your grandfather was and make that your team?
You should all be supporting Canada.
And I kind of agree with that.
Like, I'm not going to fault Puerto Ricans for having Puerto Rican pride, but I do get kind of annoyed when I see someone have more allegiance to a different country, which Puerto Rico is not, by the way.
But say Mexico, Cuba, you know, when you go to a bar in America and there's a soccer game going on between America and whoever, I don't think anyone else should be rooting for the whoevers unless they're tourists there on a vacation.
You should be rooting for America.
But that's become uncool recently.
And I believe that is the semblance of logic that he has taken and then blown way out of proportion because he doesn't know anything about Puerto Rico and American territories.
But this isn't a thing.
It shouldn't be a viral video.
And the cop should not be involved.
Okay, so here's one part where she kind of has a point.
All this cop had to do is say, buddy, buddy, come here, come here.
And then do the good cop thing where you sort of go, look, I understand.
I know, no, it's frustrating.
Like the Bill Burke and a guy.
I know, I know, it's frustrating.
It's frustrating, right?
Come on, buddy.
Come on, buddy.
And just sort of lead him away from there.
Get him off his tangent.
He's obviously drunk.
Never dealt with a drunk guy before?
Are you on America?
I'm in the police, officer.
I'm an American.
Look, he's in a loop.
That's a drunk thing.
Why is he wearing that f ⁇ ?
Listen to the music.
Are you talking about the Zulus and the Hulus and the Wootsies and the Tootsies killing each other on math?
What is with the scary music?
He's not even grabbing him.
That's it.
The police are not even...
He's just yelling at someone.
He's not hurting you.
Can you please get away from me?
Can you please get away from me?
Can you get away from this?
There we go.
Shove him.
Get away.
Shove him.
Officer, I'm renting.
I paid for this.
I notice he's a lot less brave when he shows up.
I do not feel comfortable with him here.
Is there anything you can do?
Just pause.
That's the part that really pisses me off about this video.
Officer, I don't feel comfortable with him here.
Is there anything you can do?
That's not why we hire cops.
They're not a masseuse.
We're not an acupuncture lounge.
It's not a spa.
Just because you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean we get the police to come in and remove the uncomfortable thing in your life.
That's not the way it works.
They're there for crime.
We're not going to sit around and wait for you.
By the way, his general said to me.
Okay, well, how come you're saying something when he's going up, but when he was coming up to me, you didn't do anything?
Yeah, what should I do?
What's the crime?
An unnamed bystander called the police.
Why?
Resulting in more money for us, more cops.
Because I'm wearing a Puerto Rico shirt.
That's literally what this is all about.
Are you a citizen?
Yes, I am.
That's literally what this is all about.
She's talking about how stupid it is, how futile it is to have all this hullabaloo over a Puerto Rico shirt.
Yeah, that's what I'm screaming.
It's just a shirt.
It's just an old drunk man.
If you can't handle old drunk guys yourself, we got a bigger problem than the police not doing their job.
And we're back.
I look dark.
Do I look dark on your monitors?
A little bit.
How is that fixed?
Every light is on.
Yeah, I'll fix it.
Can you pump it up?
Pump, pump, pump, pump it up.
Remember Technotronic?
Pump up the jams, pump it up while you feed a thump in, and the crowd gets jumping.
That was Kid K was a singer for that band, ugly little lesbian black chick.
And they didn't like the way she looked, even though she was a fun little tech rapper.
So they just got a super hot chick to be in all the videos.
And lip sync.
Yeah, Kid K, that was her name.
So that must suck.
You get this band together, you're really good, and then you see the video, and that's not you.
I actually, an ugly guy does this show, and I come in and memorize what he's saying and just move my lips over top.
You should see the guy who actually does this show.
He looks like Patton Oswald.
What would you say Patton Oswalt is?
He's a three.
See, this is a pet peeve of mine.
People throw numbers around way too low, and then when someone's hopped, they're like, she's a 10.
Slow it down.
I didn't think about it.
Threes, you have burn victims we have to include.
People who weigh 400 pounds.
Old ladies have to be stuffed to the bottom down there.
It's like a six.
Well, the other question is, and we're opening a Pandora's box at the end of the show, but the other thing is, do you judge someone by what they could get?
Because money and wealth is a factor.
So Doti Fayette, you look at him, and he's a two, but he got Princess Die.
So who's like a solid eight when you add the fact that she's a princess?
That's appealing.
Maybe their number adds to whatever your number is.
Like whatever, if they're an eight, that might be different than if you're dating a six.
Oh, that's true.
Like Justin Thoreau, now that he's dated Jennifer Anderson, he can have anyone he wants.
George Costanza did that.
He dated a model for a while and then he was getting all models.
But I think Patton Oswald, when you include his fame and everything, he's a seven.
But his face, his looks, he's like a three.
Dude, is your ringer on?
Are you special needs?
Why does anyone have a ringer at all?
Ooh.
The crowd's getting saucy.
I still look like I'm in the shadows.
Maybe it's because my background is so white.
Anyway, sorry, I'm boring you all.
Yeah, numbers are a thing.
I know what I am.
I know that looks-wise, without any context, I'm a 6.5.
And no woman wants to f me without any kind of context.
I remember David Cross said that.
I said, Do you think your fame has anything to do with you getting laid?
And he goes, Yeah, dude.
This ain't cutting it.
I love when people circle their own face as ugly.
This, hmm.
Anyway, here's what you can do if you feel ugly.
You just be instantly beautiful.
Why, you can be a supermodel for Victoria's Secret.
Just have your own Victoria's Secret runway show and call it the anti-Victoria's Secret show.
And guess who's pretty at this fashion runway?
Everyone.
Even handicapped midgets.
They're supermodels because beauty is totally subjective, right?
Right.
Good.
So then you will just be making out with Leslie Jones tonight, I assume?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, she's right there.
Go ahead.
Well, I'm not writing this second.
But yeah, I'll make out with her soon.
So look at this just bizarre delusion.
All right, pause.
That black girl they just showed, she's a five.
She's a 5.5, a 6.
You're not, you can't just say you're incredibly beautiful and then get up on stage and go, now I'm sexy because I want to be.
Here's a way I can easily prove how ridiculous you are.
Can you imagine men doing this?
Like, you know, when they have, they reenact fashion shoots and they'll have, we took this Gucci ad campaign and we brought fat chicks to it and airbrushed them and look how gorgeous they are.
And you go, not at all.
So if you had some like male model dude for Givenchy and he was posing like this and then me and my buddies did the exact same poses, it would be called hilarious.
And you would rightfully be laughing your heads off at me and my fat friends just like leaning on a rock with the water shooting off our fat just going, ah, given she.
It would be funny, right?
But we treat women with such kid gloves that when they do this crap, we have to go, yes.
Oh my God, so sexy.
You did a great job pretending you're pretty.
The black girl, by the way, that they just showed is the hottest one you're going to see.
Where do you see the others in this lineup?
Keep going.
Sevens.
Those are the two who put it together.
They're hot.
Hot old ladies.
6.8.
Not a model.
Oh, I like this one.
Yeah, look, stop, stop.
No one wants to have sex with a midget.
Nobody.
And if you do, I think you're weird.
Like, you know that reality show where they have, it's like, my life is a midget or something.
And they show the youngest kid now, it's been on for so long, he's old enough to be married.
And they show him with his wife.
Now, everyone deserves to have a loving relationship.
Love knows no boundaries, all that stuff.
But isn't that a tiny bit weird?
I mean, it's kid-sized.
Aren't you a little bit unusual if you want a midget to make love to you?
Or a little person?
I don't know.
Especially if it's a chick.
Like, what if your brother brought her home and said, I'm in love, Mark.
I'm madly in love.
And we're thinking about making babies.
Are the babies going to be midgets too?
Because that's the thing with attraction.
Your subconscious is going, can I breed with this person?
Will it be handicapped?
I don't want to make midgets.
I probably would.
I've never hung out with a midget.
I bet they're fun.
I bet they're really cool.
I heard they drink a lot.
But as far as breeding goes, and that's what sexual attraction is based on.
Who are you kidding?
Keep going.
See, I own it.
All you have to do is own it and you're sexy.
This one's weird.
Stop, stop.
Make me small rather than make, yeah.
She brings her afro comb.
Like, I guess that's a F you to all these guys that don't like afros.
But again, that's not us, by the way.
We were never consulted for anything that women do.
That's all gays.
Gays run fashion.
We didn't ask them to be skinny 12-year-old boys.
We like ts and no models have.
So we were clearly not consulted.
So when you're going, aha, I have an afro, I don't know who you're talking to, Tom Ford, the gay community, because we have almost no rules.
Our rules are be attractive enough that my friends don't make fun of me.
And don't be so fat that if you wear a belt, you can't see the belt.
Other pudge is fine.
Huge, small ts, troopy ts, we can work it out.
Cankles, give me eight seconds to get over it, and I will.
Giant Oreolas this big, like dinner plates?
Give me half a day, and I'll work through that.
And the next day, I'll be a big Oreola guy.
We have one exception, by the way, and of course they don't use this one.
Balding.
That is our one deal breaker.
If a woman has like hairs you could count, no fixing that.
But I always say to them, can't you go to Singapore or something now?
My barber says they can't tell the difference.
Oh, pay for your flight.
Go to Singapore and get your hair fixed.
That dude, Peter Lloyd, that gay conservative, he comes to New York sometimes, and I always check out his hair.
It's all fake.
It's plugs from the back of his head that he had put in.
Looks amazing.
So ladies, what are you doing?
It's like ladies when they have big warts on their face.
I can probably get those off tonight.
You just wrap dental floss around the base of them and I believe they suffocate.
They just pop off.
Yes, you'll have some scars.
It's better than warts.
Keep going.
Afro.
Ooh, I'm scared of your afro.
Very attractive, ladies.
That's my bread and butter.
Nice and old.
Look at this!
Isn't this cruel?
This is what I say about these fucking libs.
They are meaner than the worst jocks.
Like, you know, dog fights where these fraternities will get the ugliest chick they can to come and they take them to dinner and they all laugh their heads off in the bathroom at how good you are at getting the ugliest girl in town.
So that's obviously horrible, right?
By the way, they rarely tell the girl.
So it's kind of like a tree fell in the woods and didn't make a sound.
I'm not sure it's on the books.
But this is worse than that.
Putting this poor person in her.
Look, she's so unbelievably handicapped.
She doesn't even have a normal wheelchair.
It's like made for her.
There's one of these chairs in the world because she's a dwarf who's paralyzed and probably has like cerebral palsy or something.
So she's got all these diseases and we put a sexy dress on her and then put Victoria's secret just for the record, guys.
That's lingerie.
That's sex clothes.
So what you're trying to tell me is that this woman is sexy.
If that woman is sexy, you deserve to go to a mental institution.
I don't want you in my society.
Right?
Like if your brother brings her home, you and your brother aren't friends anymore.
Your brother is a sicko.
I'm sorry.
She's a wonderful person.
She deserves to be loved.
But if you are sexually attracted to that person, you're an unusual person, no?
Again, imagine it's your brother.
Imagine it's your brother and you can hear them in the next room bouncing around on the guest bed.
You'd have to leave the house.
Be honest.
You heard her bouncing around?
Like a baby?
All right, go ahead.
Sorry, you're a good person, I'm sure.
You're not sexy.
All right.
Well, now...
The fat one with giant tits.
Yes, please.
By the way, wait, what happened to me?
I just vanished.
I became invisible.
By the way, again, this was gays who came up with all this.
We never kicked fat chicks out of the runways.
You did.
The gays and the women got rid of these.
We weren't even consulted about fake tits.
No one asked us.
They said, I assume men like big boobs, so I'm going to put big plastic bags in my tits.
No, please don't do that.
We would way rather have droopers.
Anyways, no one's kicking her out of bed for eating crackers.
Same with her.
Bring the midget back.
Okay, this one's a doozy.
I can be sexy, just as sexy as any Victoria's Secret model, even if I'm missing a leg.
No, you cannot.
Again, very good person.
No one's saying, haha, you lost your leg.
But to put her on the runway and say, she's just as sexy as any other model.
No, she's not.
Because if you're in bed with her, you're going to feel the stub.
It's going to be up on your leg, and that's going to freak you out.
I mean, I'm sure it's great after maybe seven times, but your first seven lovemaking sessions with her are going to be very confusing.
It's literally incongruous.
Isn't this sick?
Like, who are you kidding?
Car crash.
Oh, this one's weird.
She's a car crash survivor who broke her back, but she's fine.
So if I was like the chick in the wheelchair who had stubby legs, I'd sort of go, uh, you recovered.
You can't really, you're not part of my gang.
Hey, I'm beautiful too, you know, just because I was in a car accident a long time ago and fully recovered.
A lot of people think that's not sexy.
Don't tell them then.
It's your little secret.
You were in a coma.
Go ahead.
Oh, I like his little dance.
Gays are fun.
I think it's because they get so much sex.
There's your grandma just coming out, being super hot.
Lots of mils.
And then just like some chick who shaved her head, what's this guy doing dancing around doing splits?
No one said she was ugly.
There's more than one definition of beauty.
Sometimes, and by the way, don't say beauty, you mean sexy.
It's Victoria's Secret.
So you're saying lots of things can be sexy.
Like a two-foot-tall woman who can't use any of her limbs.
Get off my lawn.
No, seriously.
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