Andrew Schulz and Akaash Singh dissect rumors that Armie Hammer is a cannibal, analyzing alleged DMs to Mia Khalifa and claims of vorophilia. They critique society's normalization of paraphilias like abasiophilia and proctophilia, arguing that naming behaviors makes them acceptable. The hosts propose a satirical solution: abandoning specific labels for conditions and creatures entirely to prevent this normalization, ultimately questioning how language shapes our acceptance of extreme human desires. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Army Hammer Eating Humans00:09:47
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I'm telling you about Army Hammer eating human beings.
Human beings?
Wait, he wasn't eating humans?
No, so basically...
He's eating humans.
No, he is.
I mean, kind of.
Yeah, that's the rumor.
This lady posted screenshots of DMs.
Okay.
That some people are saying is fake.
He says it's bullshit, but the screenshots say some shit like Mark Paul.
Sorry to interrupt.
Do people know who Army?
Army Hammer, if you've seen the Facebook movie, the Winklevoss twins, both of them.
Yes.
He's been in a bunch of films.
Adonis-ass white boy.
Biff.
Cleaning guy with a bald head or some shit like that.
Army Hammer?
You're talking about Mr. Clean?
So who y'all talking about?
Mr. Clean?
Hey.
Different brands.
You know what I'm saying?
There's a lot of people listening right now that are like, man, I thought it was Army.
I just said what I'm saying.
I just say what the people think.
It's all good.
That's a good point.
He's one of those guys who people talk about him as if he's more famous than he is.
Benedict Cumberbatch.
Yes.
Not Cumberbatches.
I hear about his mother all the time.
I'm like, who is bugging?
But let me ask you this.
Don't you think he's more known because of his name?
Army Hammer, same way.
But Army Hammer, to me, the name is almost so generic that he could be.
It's weird, but at the same time, it's like, I kind of heard these sounds at Benedict Cumberbatch.
It's like so waspy or something.
It's mad English.
It makes sense.
Oh, yeah, that's Benedict Cumberbatch.
He killed it in Sherlock.
I'm re-watching this.
Nah, he's an amazing actor.
He's good.
I'm re-watching it.
Armin Hammy.
Armin the Hemi?
Armin the Hemi.
Armin the Hemi, bro.
Army Hammer.
He was in another movie as well.
He was the Lone Ranger, which I think flopped.
Yes, he was Lone Ranger, did really bad.
And then there was a movie about J. Edgar Hoover, I think, that like Johnny Depp was...
Wasn't he Hoover?
Oh, no, no, the leader of the FBI or the guy who started the FBI or CIA?
Hoover, yeah.
Was it Hoover?
Yeah.
Call Me By Your Name, Entourage, Lone Ranger.
I think he was in the Entourage movie because Vince fucked one of his girls or something.
Probably.
The man from UNCLE.
But anyway, so basically this dude is DMing a bunch of women.
Okay.
I think he is either just going through a divorce or like had a divorce.
Like it either was caused by this or is like just recently.
Okay.
But basically.
Oh no, it was last year, 2020.
So basically he's DMing all these girls like Mia Khalifa saying like crazy shit.
Basically like, I want to eat you.
I think you're so sexy.
I want to cut up your body and fuck it.
I want to hold your heart in my hand and like feel it as it beats.
That's lit.
That's all this wild shit.
Yo.
And then literally he writes in the message, he's like, I want to, like, I'm 100% a cannibal.
I've never told anyone this before.
Wow, this is so crazy.
And then immediately the girl goes and posts it on the internet.
Mia?
I don't know exactly who.
No, this is a different girl initially.
The initial post is not from Mia.
I think there were three girls that he messaged that have like at least leaked information.
And then people actually taking this serious?
Yes.
Yes.
Seems like it.
Like someone's going to let them.
Someone's going to let someone else cut them up and eat them.
Like if you're going to cut someone else, you're going to cut someone up and eat them.
You don't tell them.
That's true.
It's got to be fake for that reason, right?
That's true.
Yeah, I want to eat you.
That's scary to admit.
I've never admitted that before.
I've cut the heart out of a living animal before and eaten it while it was still and eaten it while it was still warm.
According to one of the DMs.
I like this guy.
This is Tartar.
This is really social media marketing.
We don't know if the DMs are real.
But here's the thing.
Even if he did do it just to have, so people are having this conversation is brilliant because it's so absurd.
It has to be hacked.
You know what I mean?
Like, we should do that as a tactic.
That's really fun.
He did back out of a movie he was supposed to do with Jennifer Lopez.
I think call me by your name or something like that.
I don't know which one.
Tied to this, I think.
A couple days later or a week later, they're saying like he has drug issues and all this type of shit.
So I can just think he's going on a bender and then he just lights off on a DMs, like as we all do sometimes.
And then, uh, and then he just, I think this is sexy talk for him.
Really?
Yeah, maybe if he's high.
Because imagine you say, like, oh, I'm a cannibal.
I want to eat you so much.
Like, if he didn't say literally cut you up into pieces, I'd be like, okay, that's fine.
I want to eat you.
I want to bite you.
I want to do all that.
He said he ate the heart of a beating animal.
Yeah, that's a little, that's where it gets a little wild.
That's a wild boy.
He might be like, you heard of that shit called vorophilia?
No.
This is like a sexual fetish where people like have a desire to be eaten or to eat.
And so it's like cannibalism, but it's like a sexual paraphilia, basically.
Okay.
And so what they'll do is they'll simulate it not through actually doing it, but like they'll basically like put themselves in like a sleeping bag in like some sort of like sexual state or something.
Or like they'll have like these simulators where they can feel like they're getting eaten or like feel like they're eating something or whatever.
So like there's ways like people actually have like these fetishes and then they simulate them.
Buy a rare steak and fuck a girl while you eat.
Like you know what I mean?
Like what are we doing?
That shit sounds fire actually.
Buying steak.
I'd be in on that.
That seems great.
But yeah, so he might just have like this fetish.
I don't know.
Or he might just be a full-blown pepper or cannibal.
We got to cut out this fetish shit.
Like you shouldn't know that about you.
You know what I'm saying?
Like that's what we need to take down all those accounts.
I don't want people to know that they're a vorophiliac.
Once you read it, you might go, oh, actually, I do kind of think about being eaten sometimes.
That would be cool.
I guess I'm a vorophiliac.
But before you teach somebody what that is, they just have weird thoughts every once in a while about being eaten.
And they're like, that's some weird shit.
I'm just going to ignore that.
Like, stop creating the opportunities for these people to be so fucking weird.
But it seems like the internet is just like an allergy test for fetishes.
Yes.
You take the allergy test, you're going to find out you're allergic to it.
They put like everything on your back, everything that you could be allergic to.
And they're like, oh, you're allergic to 10 things.
That's also another thing.
Stop giving it a name.
Even if those are the actions that you like, make motherfuckers describe that shit and look stupid.
Yeah.
Don't give them an easy act.
You should look stupid.
Say, no, I like to kind of get eaten.
And like, if you're a bad person.
No, you're a weird bag and all that shit.
Yeah, you're a fucking dork.
Okay.
Not I'm a vorophiliac.
That sounds lit.
Yeah.
I want to be that.
Yeah.
He stopped judging Army Hammer when he said it was just a fetish and he don't really do it.
That's like he ain't doing that.
That's the crazy part is everything's if he gets a cannibal.
That's fucking weird.
That's what cannibalism is.
You're not allowed from now on, you're not allowed to call your weird shit a fetish.
That's done.
Fetishes are dead.
That's fucking dumb.
What do you say about it?
I like feet.
Yeah.
That was weird.
Own it, bro.
I like being eaten.
You're weird.
I like feet.
You're weird.
All right.
I'm weird then.
Don't let your girl walk around here in some sandals.
Shit might get weird.
That's why I'm going to tell him.
Well, what if there's some paraphilias that are that are fine, though?
I have a list here of a few.
All right.
Abasiophilia.
What's that?
You love basil clothes?
People with impaired mobility.
That's some people's fetish.
They like.
Wait, they like fucking the person with impaired.
They like physical.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, basically that.
Okay.
Keep going.
Is that weirdo or is that that's legit?
I mean, look, you can like whatever the fuck you want to like.
We're not going to give you a name for it.
You like people in wheelchairs?
You're going to have to say that shit.
And so they say, oh, what are you into?
I connected with a girl once, fine-ass girl on a wheelchair.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Fine.
From waist up, fine.
Did you put her name in as whatever wheelchairs?
I didn't know.
Rolling, rolling, rolling.
I didn't know.
I didn't know, but she was fine.
I never hooked up with her or anything like that, but she was fine.
And her friend told me she was kind of thoughtty about it too.
She's like, yo, she'll just roll over and suck your dick.
Like, she'll roll over.
You got to give her lap dances all the time, bro.
That's just wild.
That actually be a fun day.
How peleged up was she?
Was she quadriplegic?
No, parapoleguard.
I wanted to try that out.
Parapolegeed.
She could get on some crutches or something.
Nah, like, the legs look crazy.
They just look like sticks, bro.
Really?
Yeah.
Take her to IHOP.
I don't get no exercise.
Take her to what?
I hop.
Why?
You can hop in there with her.
She can't hop at all.
Maybe she had one leg.
She doesn't even have sticks at all.
No, she can't.
Make her walk on the sticks.
It's like legs are done.
You know, some people have some mobility in the legs and they could use the crutches, whatever.
Would you get amputation at that point?
No.
It depends on how good prosthetics get.
Maybe you just get some prosthetics.
That's a great point.
Your life.
But if you're base down, you don't have the mobility of your legs.
What I would say is, I'd hope for that.
I'd hope for that genome shit that we were talking about to come around.
So you just let those legs just sit there doing nothing, but if that genome shit pops up, you might be able to get them things back to working.
Now it's going to be a while before you can walk because the muscles are so atrophied, but you could build that up over like years.
Yeah.
I thought that shit is like before somebody's born, like to affect the genes and shit like that.
You can do it after somebody is.
That's what I thought you were talking about or whatever it's called.
The CRISPR thing.
The CRISPR, CRISPR.
Yeah.
I think the CRISPR thing can do it after the fact.
And also the Neuralink shit.
I feel like fire.
I feel like I would wait for the technology to catch up.
Like for the actual cyborg shit.
Whatever comes first, I'm going to do, but I'm not going to limit myself from one.
So if the CRISPR shit pops off before the cyborg, I want that.
Not to mention, I'd rather my legs than cyborg legs.
Yo, that's maybe.
I think I'll take cyborg legs.
Stop Naming Your Farts00:07:47
You think until you got to go like in the hot tub and you got to explain yourself.
Look at our legs.
Yeah.
I can like buy some bigger ones.
Open my top.
Yo, this actually could fix the cannibal problem.
Boom.
So then you let them eat your legs.
Hook up Army Hammer with a girl in a wheelchair.
Boom.
Oh, my God.
Everyone's happy.
She gets her meat on that.
That's just bone, bro.
But you take what you get.
That shit looks like a tripod bag.
Yeah.
Get the marrow going.
I think that's good.
Okay, what other ones?
What other ones that we're not going to allow to have?
You got to stop naming things.
We just got to stop naming things.
Okay.
I mean, diapers, paraphilic infantilism.
Nah, that's weird.
Nah, that's weird.
Anything with kids, weird.
A proctophilia, what's that?
Flatulance?
Farts?
Yep.
Weird.
So you like farts?
We know a comic who's into that.
Wait, do we?
Yeah, yeah.
Really?
Really?
Come on, it's Patriot.
I'll say it.
How close is it?
We'll bleep it.
Toronto?
Huh?
Toronto?
No, no, no.
You know Toronto guys that got that too?
No, how many people?
Our man is black.
Blackety black, black.
Oh, and he likes sucking girl farts?
That's his thing.
He's never done it, but he's like, he really loves the idea of it.
But now, if you like well, not super well, but well enough.
Okay.
Okay.
Say the name.
We'll blurt.
Nah, But if you like anal, if you like doing anal, how far off is being into farts?
Very far.
Yeah, it's really far.
So you're not doing anal so you can be closer to the shit and farts.
You're doing anal flex.
That's like people do anal farts for somebody else.
I'm not.
The whole anal thing's lost on me.
I'll be honest.
What's the point?
Like, it's just worse.
I don't get it.
There is shit in there.
That's where the shit is.
You're putting it in where the shit is.
I don't get it.
I'm on the same page as you, but that's not the reason why they're doing it.
What is what's good?
The reason I can't wait to get some shit on my dick today.
Let me go to the source.
That's the outcome.
So it's like they must be excited by it.
I don't get it.
I don't understand the anal thing.
Yeah.
All right.
More go.
Liquid.
Okay.
See, some of these actually sound lit.
Liquidophilia.
Okay.
Immersing the genitals in liquid.
Nah, we have to stop naming everything.
I want to stop naming all the extra genders and that kind of shit.
I think that's a good idea.
Like, can't we agree?
Like, you don't have to name everything because when you name shit, you start normalizing the weird stuff.
What?
Nasophilia.
Nose.
You're into noses.
Being turned on by noses.
That's women.
Yeah.
That's called being a woman.
Women love noses.
You know what I mean?
Women love a motherfucker with a schnazeline.
So is that a federal?
That seems like ain't nothing lean about this schnazeline, baby.
But no, but that's not a thing.
You just like big noses.
You like great noses.
Yeah, it's great.
Great in size.
Like Alexander's empire.
Grandiose, bro.
Grandi nose.
Grandiose.
I'm just saying, bro.
Look at Mount Rushmore.
Ain't no little button noses on that shit.
That's all pieces, bro.
Schnaz, dude.
For real.
I wasn't watching me didn't have the nose.
Of course he did.
You know what I mean?
Sniff it up.
All right, guys.
We're going to take a break.
Make sure your dicks are hard whenever you want them to be hard.
Okay?
Yeah.
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That's right.
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Okay.
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So there is a version where you can chew it up whenever you want and be ready to go whenever that time comes.
How brilliant is that?
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Or if the sex happens in 30 minutes, you're ready to go.
You don't have to go, excuse me, let me just go pop some shit real quick.
Pop it before you go out to dinner.
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So go get that right now.
And let's get back to this.
See, this is fucked up.
This is how they do it because now they're putting in regular shit in there.
So masophilia, interest in female breasts.
That's stupid.
You like tits.
Yeah.
All we got to do in order to fix society is just stop giving things names.
Stop giving things names.
Stop it.
What do you mean?
Stop giving neighborhoods names.
I'm in West Harlem Heights.
You live in the hood, bro.
Just live in the hood.
Stop it.
Just stop it.
Stop it with all the names.
Human beings get names, and everything that's already named can keep their names.
No more names.
We don't need.
Do you need more names?
I'm into this idea.
Animals?
If we find a new one?
He don't, yeah.
You don't need a name.
If they find a new beetle, just call it new beetle.
No, just call it wherever you found it, beetle.
San Francisco Beetle.
It's a beetle, bro.
We don't need more names.
It's it.
One name.
Two names.
Yep.
No, it's just one name and just where it's from.
Where'd you find the beetle?
San Francisco.
That's a San Francisco beetle.
Yeah.
That's it.
I'm telling you, the naming thing is the real key to why.
What if we discover a new island?
Say again?
A new island.
If you discover a new island, what do you think?
Someone already probably discovered it, bro.
Yeah, don't you?
Some animals are probably already there.
Yeah, and nobody cares.
You think you discovered an island?
Yeah.
Come on, bro.
That's a real problem.
It happens.
No, it don't happen.
It don't happen.
It don't happen.
A glacier melts and there's an island there.
Oh, New Island.
No, the glacier, we already knew what it was.
Whatever the glacier's called, we call the island now.
Whatever the glacier is called.
Glaciers have names, bro.
Thrust.
Y'all never heard of the thrust glacier, bro?
I did.
I ain't up on glaciers.
I already know that.
What if you have a kid?
What if you have a kid then?
Say what?
Those names exist.
Yeah.
But you can't make up a new one.
You can only use what's in the catalog.
We're not.
You heard that, Al?
We're not doing it.
No making up names.
It's over.
We're going to stop naming things.
That's it.
You have this weird feeling that you're like, I can't sleep at night.
You can't sleep at night.
Okay, no more need for what is it called?
You can't sleep at night, insomnia, insomnia.
Let's get rid of that.
We have to take away 50% of names.
It's 50% of names.
It's not the craziest idea.
It's too much.
Everything's normal now.
Oh, I stopped.
If you take away 50% of the gender names, you still got 32.
Son, they got to go.
Anxiety?
Can anxiety stay?
Nah, bro.
You nervous.
Yeah, you're just nervous, bro.
It's one for all that shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Cut it in half.
We're not getting rid of names.
You're just nervous.
I don't like that.
I have anxiety, that like that blanket statement.
Like, what do you mean?
You have it?
No, you have it in certain situations.
Certain situations, you're not anxious at all.
Right?
So, like, you just say, I'm nervous here, and then I'm nervous when I take tests.
Welcome to being a human being.
We all feel that way.
We just maybe have different levels.
Yeah.
You might get more nervous.
You still, it's just nervous.
That's what that's why we're so soft is because we're creating opportunities to normalize things that are bitch ass.
I don't even like the term normalize.
Let's get rid of that.
Let's get rid of it.
What is it called then?
Hey, it's called this.
Hey, hey, that's how it used to be.
I'm a little sad because I did bad at school.
Raise your shoulders.
That's what it is.
If you don't know something or somebody comes at you with some weird shit, hit him with that Michael Jordan.
We don't need answers for everything.
Shrug it up.
We don't need answers for everything.
Is there anything else you guys would like me to clear up?
Is there?
No, that's pretty much it for me.
I'm just saying.
From this, you do get what I'm saying.
There's like a tailpoint on the back of the bag.
Back in the day, it was a simpler time.
Like everything that happened, walk it off.
Normalizing Bitch Ass Things00:01:02
Thank you.
I said, broken arm, walk it off.
Anxiety, walk it off.
You think you're born in the wrong gender?
Just walk it off.
Walk it off.
Yeah.
Or sleep on it.
Sleep on it.
What happened to sleep on it?
Sleep used to fix everything, bro.
It won't fix the highlights, but just sleep on it.
Enough sleep.
I sleep on them every night.
That's true.
I do sleep on it.
That is a good point.
That might have been what caused the balls for me.
Yo, you guys are sleeping in a headstand.
I'm getting a silk bonnet.
That's what I'm getting.
The forehead's so heavy.
I have like a fucking remnants of Pompeii just fucking rolled over.
What is it called?
Petrified?
Yeah.
All right, guys.
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