Jeremiah Watkins and Andrew Schulz dissect their personal waterboarding simulations, contrasting their comfort with water against the vulnerability of desert populations. They recount a specific incident where Watkins lasted only 3.7 seconds while Alex endured seven before water entered his nose, challenging initial perceptions of terrorist weakness. Referencing Dick Cheney's authorization and the film "Zero Dark Thirty," they clarify the sensation resembles a gargle rather than bloody torture, joking about a Patreon breath-holding challenge while warning against social justice lawyers ruining the fun. Ultimately, the segment reframes the technique as psychological anticipation over physical harm, inviting listeners to explore the full episode on Patreon. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Waterboarding in Sacramento00:05:01
So we waterboarded each other this weekend when we were in Sacramento.
Why?
Because I didn't think that I felt I could live it.
Like my thing is Captain America Civil War, though.
Son, I watch all the things dead ass.
I mean, I don't know.
I feel like that mad.
It's just care mess.
Can I tell you honestly what my thing was?
I felt like they were doing it to the people in the middle because they're like in the desert.
They're not good with water.
So I feel like they were reacting way worse to water than normal people would.
Whereas I'm comfortable with water, right?
I've swam.
I've surfed.
You're white.
I do daily Evian sprays.
I'm good, bro.
Like, how is it that different, right?
It's a miss.
It's a miss.
It's knee torture.
I don't know what that means.
But I'm with you.
Well, sure, but that doesn't make a lot of mess.
It doesn't make a lot of mess.
First of all, it's quite messy.
I would assume that one is quite a lot of sweat.
It's a lot of sweat.
Especially if you have carpet.
There's mildew that can happen.
There's a lot of things to consider.
That's on the residence in.
You know what I mean?
The residents in got a handle.
You gave me a lot of money.
We really wanted to make a bitch.
We just bring towels and towels and towels back to the room because we went through like maybe 30 fucking towels waterboarding, right?
You have video of it?
No, not here.
Okay.
We're going to put in a dropping in.
But I'm not going to lie, bro.
So we leaned back on a tub, put the towel over the face, and then we took the coffee pot, filled it with water so that we could just pour the water.
Okay?
That's not enough, though, right?
You can just free gallon, yo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I tapped out in 3.7 seconds.
Okay.
Because what I thought was I could breathe.
For some reason, I thought I could breathe like this.
Like, I don't know why.
I thought that I could breathe, but it went right up my nose.
It went in my mouth, and I was out in fucking three.
Alex did what, seven seconds?
This is how I know I'm hanging around this motherfucker too long because I had the delusion, like, I could get through that shit.
I really did think I could get through that shit.
I really thought these terrorists were pussy.
You think terrorists or pussy CIA have come up with this?
It's just water.
They live in the desert.
They don't swim.
They don't know water.
They're desert people.
You're not going to do that on a Puerto Rican or Cuban.
You think of Puerto Rican or Cuban can't?
Here's what I'm surprised at you.
Alex, you should know better.
If I just hold my breath for a long time, I'm good.
I tried to hold my breath and it kept going in my nostrils.
I think that's common mentality.
100%.
Being like, you're the guy in the back of the room watching somebody bomb on stage and you're like, I could do that.
Waterboarding also, the way they talked about it, sounded like some huge shit.
No, it sounded like they're waterboarding these people.
It sounded like activity.
Just to turn it on trying to go waterboarding.
Damn, we out here.
Waterboarding.
Boogie boarding.
Everybody's bored.
I'm about to drop in on this wave, man.
That's valid, but I mean, the way they would talk about on the news, like Dick Cheney authorized waterboarding.
So I thought it was some really like crazy form of torture.
And then I'm watching it.
I think it was Zero Dark 30 before I fell asleep.
And I'm watching it.
I'm like, this shit.
You look bad.
Yo, it's just water on a shirt.
Son, I swear to God, I thought they were reacting to the wasting of water because they're so used to not having water in these parts of the world.
They were trying to swallow it.
Yeah.
I thought it was a tease.
I was like, they're putting it over their mouth and they're so thirsty they want to drink it, but then they can't because they have the thing covering their mouth.
I thought it was an emotional thing, not a physical thing.
And I'm telling you, three seconds in, I give up all the secrets of America.
Every secret of America within 3.7 seconds.
I gave the whole shit away, did I not?
Son, I went like this.
I went, get off of me.
And I was in control of myself.
Like, no one was holding me down.
You're pouring your own water.
Stop it.
Stop it.
What did they do to me?
The standard is located.
Hey, we should have it.
The access points are going to be there.
Here, here, here.
It's on anything.
We should have a Patreon waterboarding challenge.
See how long?
See how long you and your homies can go?
Don't die.
You know what I mean?
No, We're not encouraging anybody else.
This is how I learned.
We're going to get one blogger murdered.
We're going to get all the patrons killed.
Arcadi's going to drown the whole asshole army.
Arcadi's like, Alex, put up the Patreon link right now.
To be fair, I want to see how long we can go.
I can go more than seven seconds, I think.
No, here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
And trust me, I'm that guy.
Y'all know I'm that guy.
Y'all know I'm that guy.
We're out there.
I could do anything, right?
What happens is this.
If you know they're about to drop the water, you can hold your breath and you could do it for as long as you hold your breath.
That's fine.
Not even.
It's when you don't know they're going to drop it.
It's the anticipation.
Blind.
So you're like trying to time your breath.
And God forbid, like me, you time your first breath when the water comes.
Literally, I sound like a whore.
Like, that's what it is.
Dude, it was bad.
It was bad.
Three seconds.
I've done it as a bit on stage.
That was one of the old wave bits that we did.
Timing the Breath00:01:39
Really?
Yeah, we did it on Comedy Central.
We waterboarded yourselves.
Yeah, yeah.
Jamar and Willie waterboarded me.
And we only did it for a few seconds, and I got it all up in my nose.
Son, you and I, we have profound noses.
Yeah.
That counts.
Yeah, it does.
That counts.
Bigger passes.
It goes in.
You can't block it.
I know.
There's a little bit more of a bridgeway from the nose to the mouth.
Son, it is a tunnel, bro.
A little air packet package.
No, you can't.
You can't air pocket.
You can't air pocket.
I tried to air pocket, dude.
It's an effective way to torture these motherfuckers, man.
And like you guys, who said that about the cleanup?
I did.
You say the cleanup.
It's just not bloody.
It's like you feel much better about yourself when you're waterboard.
Like, I could waterboard somebody.
Yeah.
I don't think I could like whip you or like hurt you because you're seeing the bloodblood.
You shoot somebody and shit.
Waterboard is, first of all, they already stink.
You're just washing them.
You know what I mean?
You're just fucking washing these people.
It's not really a scream, too, because they can't breathe.
It's a gargle.
It's a gargle.
Yeah.
It's what we call a U.S. shower.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's a U.S. freedom shower.
It's a freedom shower.
Now, here's some dial soap and cleanup.
We got a freedom tower.
You get some freedom showers.
That's how it's going to work.
Yo, what's up?
This is Akash.
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