Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Figures With Attitude ft. Jeremiah Watkins
Aired: 2019-11-08
Duration: 06:45


=== Waterboarding in Sacramento (05:01) ===

[00:00:04]  So we waterboarded each other this weekend when we were in Sacramento.
[00:00:09]  Why?
[00:00:09]  Because I didn't think that I felt I could live it.
[00:00:12]  Like my thing is Captain America Civil War, though.
[00:00:15]  Son, I watch all the things dead ass.
[00:00:18]  I mean, I don't know.
[00:00:18]  I feel like that mad.
[00:00:19]  It's just care mess.
[00:00:21]  Can I tell you honestly what my thing was?
[00:00:22]  I felt like they were doing it to the people in the middle because they're like in the desert.
[00:00:26]  They're not good with water.
[00:00:27]  So I feel like they were reacting way worse to water than normal people would.
[00:00:31]  Whereas I'm comfortable with water, right?
[00:00:33]  I've swam.
[00:00:34]  I've surfed.
[00:00:34]  You're white.
[00:00:36]  I do daily Evian sprays.
[00:00:37]  I'm good, bro.
[00:00:38]  Like, how is it that different, right?
[00:00:40]  It's a miss.
[00:00:41]  It's a miss.
[00:00:42]  It's knee torture.
[00:00:43]  I don't know what that means.
[00:00:45]  But I'm with you.
[00:00:46]  Well, sure, but that doesn't make a lot of mess.
[00:00:47]  It doesn't make a lot of mess.
[00:00:49]  First of all, it's quite messy.
[00:00:50]  I would assume that one is quite a lot of sweat.
[00:00:52]  It's a lot of sweat.
[00:00:53]  Especially if you have carpet.
[00:00:54]  There's mildew that can happen.
[00:00:56]  There's a lot of things to consider.
[00:00:58]  That's on the residence in.
[00:00:59]  You know what I mean?
[00:00:59]  The residents in got a handle.
[00:01:02]  You gave me a lot of money.
[00:01:04]  We really wanted to make a bitch.
[00:01:05]  We just bring towels and towels and towels back to the room because we went through like maybe 30 fucking towels waterboarding, right?
[00:01:12]  You have video of it?
[00:01:13]  No, not here.
[00:01:14]  Okay.
[00:01:15]  We're going to put in a dropping in.
[00:01:17]  But I'm not going to lie, bro.
[00:01:19]  So we leaned back on a tub, put the towel over the face, and then we took the coffee pot, filled it with water so that we could just pour the water.
[00:01:28]  Okay?
[00:01:28]  That's not enough, though, right?
[00:01:29]  You can just free gallon, yo.
[00:01:30]  Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[00:01:35]  I tapped out in 3.7 seconds.
[00:01:39]  Okay.
[00:01:40]  Because what I thought was I could breathe.
[00:01:42]  For some reason, I thought I could breathe like this.
[00:01:43]  Like, I don't know why.
[00:01:46]  I thought that I could breathe, but it went right up my nose.
[00:01:48]  It went in my mouth, and I was out in fucking three.
[00:01:50]  Alex did what, seven seconds?
[00:01:52]  This is how I know I'm hanging around this motherfucker too long because I had the delusion, like, I could get through that shit.
[00:01:58]  I really did think I could get through that shit.
[00:02:00]  I really thought these terrorists were pussy.
[00:02:02]  You think terrorists or pussy CIA have come up with this?
[00:02:05]  It's just water.
[00:02:07]  They live in the desert.
[00:02:08]  They don't swim.
[00:02:10]  They don't know water.
[00:02:12]  They're desert people.
[00:02:13]  You're not going to do that on a Puerto Rican or Cuban.
[00:02:15]  You think of Puerto Rican or Cuban can't?
[00:02:16]  Here's what I'm surprised at you.
[00:02:18]  Alex, you should know better.
[00:02:20]  If I just hold my breath for a long time, I'm good.
[00:02:23]  I tried to hold my breath and it kept going in my nostrils.
[00:02:26]  I think that's common mentality.
[00:02:28]  100%.
[00:02:29]  Being like, you're the guy in the back of the room watching somebody bomb on stage and you're like, I could do that.
[00:02:35]  Waterboarding also, the way they talked about it, sounded like some huge shit.
[00:02:39]  No, it sounded like they're waterboarding these people.
[00:02:41]  It sounded like activity.
[00:02:43]  Just to turn it on trying to go waterboarding.
[00:02:45]  Damn, we out here.
[00:02:47]  Waterboarding.
[00:02:48]  Boogie boarding.
[00:02:48]  Everybody's bored.
[00:02:49]  I'm about to drop in on this wave, man.
[00:02:52]  That's valid, but I mean, the way they would talk about on the news, like Dick Cheney authorized waterboarding.
[00:02:56]  So I thought it was some really like crazy form of torture.
[00:03:00]  And then I'm watching it.
[00:03:01]  I think it was Zero Dark 30 before I fell asleep.
[00:03:04]  And I'm watching it.
[00:03:04]  I'm like, this shit.
[00:03:07]  You look bad.
[00:03:07]  Yo, it's just water on a shirt.
[00:03:09]  Son, I swear to God, I thought they were reacting to the wasting of water because they're so used to not having water in these parts of the world.
[00:03:18]  They were trying to swallow it.
[00:03:19]  Yeah.
[00:03:20]  I thought it was a tease.
[00:03:21]  I was like, they're putting it over their mouth and they're so thirsty they want to drink it, but then they can't because they have the thing covering their mouth.
[00:03:26]  I thought it was an emotional thing, not a physical thing.
[00:03:28]  And I'm telling you, three seconds in, I give up all the secrets of America.
[00:03:32]  Every secret of America within 3.7 seconds.
[00:03:34]  I gave the whole shit away, did I not?
[00:03:37]  Son, I went like this.
[00:03:37]  I went, get off of me.
[00:03:39]  And I was in control of myself.
[00:03:41]  Like, no one was holding me down.
[00:03:43]  You're pouring your own water.
[00:03:45]  Stop it.
[00:03:45]  Stop it.
[00:03:49]  What did they do to me?
[00:03:51]  The standard is located.
[00:03:54]  Hey, we should have it.
[00:03:57]  The access points are going to be there.
[00:04:00]  Here, here, here.
[00:04:00]  It's on anything.
[00:04:02]  We should have a Patreon waterboarding challenge.
[00:04:04]  See how long?
[00:04:06]  See how long you and your homies can go?
[00:04:07]  Don't die.
[00:04:08]  You know what I mean?
[00:04:09]  No, We're not encouraging anybody else.
[00:04:14]  This is how I learned.
[00:04:17]  We're going to get one blogger murdered.
[00:04:18]  We're going to get all the patrons killed.
[00:04:20]  Arcadi's going to drown the whole asshole army.
[00:04:22]  Arcadi's like, Alex, put up the Patreon link right now.
[00:04:25]  To be fair, I want to see how long we can go.
[00:04:28]  I can go more than seven seconds, I think.
[00:04:29]  No, here's the thing.
[00:04:30]  Here's the thing.
[00:04:31]  Here's the thing.
[00:04:32]  And trust me, I'm that guy.
[00:04:34]  Y'all know I'm that guy.
[00:04:36]  Y'all know I'm that guy.
[00:04:37]  We're out there.
[00:04:38]  I could do anything, right?
[00:04:39]  What happens is this.
[00:04:40]  If you know they're about to drop the water, you can hold your breath and you could do it for as long as you hold your breath.
[00:04:45]  That's fine.
[00:04:45]  Not even.
[00:04:46]  It's when you don't know they're going to drop it.
[00:04:49]  It's the anticipation.
[00:04:50]  Blind.
[00:04:51]  So you're like trying to time your breath.
[00:04:53]  And God forbid, like me, you time your first breath when the water comes.
[00:04:56]  Literally, I sound like a whore.
[00:04:58]  Like, that's what it is.
[00:05:00]  Dude, it was bad.
[00:05:01]  It was bad.
[00:05:02]  Three seconds.
[00:05:02]  I've done it as a bit on stage.
[00:05:04]  That was one of the old wave bits that we did.

=== Timing the Breath (01:39) ===

[00:05:06]  Really?
[00:05:06]  Yeah, we did it on Comedy Central.
[00:05:08]  We waterboarded yourselves.
[00:05:10]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:05:10]  Jamar and Willie waterboarded me.
[00:05:14]  And we only did it for a few seconds, and I got it all up in my nose.
[00:05:18]  Son, you and I, we have profound noses.
[00:05:21]  Yeah.
[00:05:22]  That counts.
[00:05:23]  Yeah, it does.
[00:05:24]  That counts.
[00:05:24]  Bigger passes.
[00:05:25]  It goes in.
[00:05:26]  You can't block it.
[00:05:27]  I know.
[00:05:29]  There's a little bit more of a bridgeway from the nose to the mouth.
[00:05:32]  Son, it is a tunnel, bro.
[00:05:35]  A little air packet package.
[00:05:37]  No, you can't.
[00:05:38]  You can't air pocket.
[00:05:40]  You can't air pocket.
[00:05:41]  I tried to air pocket, dude.
[00:05:43]  It's an effective way to torture these motherfuckers, man.
[00:05:46]  And like you guys, who said that about the cleanup?
[00:05:49]  I did.
[00:05:49]  You say the cleanup.
[00:05:51]  It's just not bloody.
[00:05:52]  It's like you feel much better about yourself when you're waterboard.
[00:05:54]  Like, I could waterboard somebody.
[00:05:56]  Yeah.
[00:05:57]  I don't think I could like whip you or like hurt you because you're seeing the bloodblood.
[00:06:00]  You shoot somebody and shit.
[00:06:02]  Waterboard is, first of all, they already stink.
[00:06:05]  You're just washing them.
[00:06:06]  You know what I mean?
[00:06:06]  You're just fucking washing these people.
[00:06:08]  It's not really a scream, too, because they can't breathe.
[00:06:10]  It's a gargle.
[00:06:11]  It's a gargle.
[00:06:12]  Yeah.
[00:06:13]  It's what we call a U.S. shower.
[00:06:15]  You know what I'm talking about?
[00:06:15]  It's a U.S. freedom shower.
[00:06:17]  It's a freedom shower.
[00:06:23]  Now, here's some dial soap and cleanup.
[00:06:25]  We got a freedom tower.
[00:06:26]  You get some freedom showers.
[00:06:27]  That's how it's going to work.
[00:06:31]  Yo, what's up?
[00:06:32]  This is Akash.
[00:06:32]  That was a preview of our Patreon episode.
[00:06:35]  If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com/slash flagrant2.
[00:06:40]  Join the illest community on earth.
[00:06:42]  Unless you're a social justice lawyer, then you're just going to ruin the fun.