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Aug. 2, 2019 - Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh
13:48
Mo Weekly
# tokyo tiger population subway incidents aids in india homo weekly hygiene habits india tiger population kombucha le pan quotidien lgbtq+ health mario karts michael jordan new york probiotics social justice warrior

Andrew Schulz recounts a humiliating Tokyo subway incident involving kombucha-induced diarrhea and soiled Michael Jordan boxer briefs, contrasting his hygiene habits with an immigrant mother's fears of disease transmission. The conversation absurdly pivots to India's tiger population surge alongside gay AIDS statistics before teasing a Patreon episode mocking "Homo Weekly." Ultimately, the segment blends grotesque personal anecdotes with satirical social commentary, inviting listeners to join the community unless they identify as social justice warriors. [Automatically generated summary]

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Unwashed Jeans and Flip-Flops 00:10:24
I don't need no fucking qualms from you with your SeaWorld feet.
First off, I'm on a headache.
I came in flip-flops today, bro.
That's not.
What?
That looks good.
It looks like you haven't washed in like a week.
Yeah!
Yes!
You don't get to put the flops on the table, too.
Just put the socks.
They're nice flip-flops, bro.
Yeah, but they've been on the streets of New York.
Oh, man, these are disgusting.
I'm looking at the bottom of your feet.
God doesn't put his slides in those feet.
Did not put those fucking feet on my slides, bro.
Come on, son.
Come on, bro.
Wow, those look.
Like, try to look at the bottom.
You really, you were still in some sort of restaurant.
You stepped in shit.
Are you still flexible enough to eat your toenails?
I forgot.
Are you still flexible enough to eat your toenails?
Son, I shit in my pants today in the subway, bro.
What?
I shit my fucking pants today in the subway.
Dude, I don't know what I had yesterday, but it was making everything liquid.
I'm going to the subway to get my international license so I could do Mario Karts in Tokyo.
Nice.
You can do Mario Karts on the streets of Tokyo if you have an international license.
Okay.
Subway car doors open, right?
I try to let out a fart.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
That's always my favorite.
That's always my worst fear.
That's always my worst fear.
That shit bubbles, and then I know it's liquid.
Right?
Bubbles.
It's mad hot in your ass.
It's already mad, moist, and hot because I was wearing pants this day.
It was a heat advisory yesterday.
Elevated door before somebody gets to the subway.
Subway.
No, I mean, like, your butthole is like the elevator door.
So I. Do you tighten up?
I. I. Can I tell the motherfucking story, y'all?
Jesus Christ, bro.
Can I get it?
Y'all can tag it after I tell it.
Let me get the shit out.
Jesus.
That's the problem.
So I fart and the doors open and I have a decision to make, which is walk all the way back to my apartment.
Yes.
Which is another like five blocks.
I'm going to be super late for the fucking, for the AAA thing to get the license.
I'm probably not going to be able to do the triple-A.
I still got to do all this edit shit.
And it was like just a little bit of poop.
So I walked right in, let those doors close, and I fucking sat down on the shit that I did.
And the second I got out of the train, I went to Le Pan Cotidienne.
I took a wild shit inside Le Pan Cotitien.
How the drawers look?
It was dark.
At the bottom of your feet?
No, it was dark already, so it wasn't.
How do you say Le Pan?
I've been calling that shit Le Pain Quotient, son.
I ain't know.
Le Pan Cotidienne.
That's how it's pronounced?
Y'all know what it is?
I've never even tried to say it.
Do you know which one I'm talking about?
It's like all wood inside?
Yeah.
The quarterbread?
Is that what it means?
Le Pan?
Le Pan Cotetien.
Cotidienne.
I don't know what that means.
The bread.
I know Obon Pan is the good bread.
Oh, yes.
So Le Pan Cotoshi.
Whatever that quote shit means something.
Point is at 35, I shit my pants today and walked around.
Bro, I shit my pants before this podcast one time.
Did you?
Yeah, I told the story on the Patreon.
How do you guys shit your pants so much?
You're adults.
Son, I took my head out.
I don't get you.
I had a kombucha.
You know the probiotic?
Look, and I took a great shit.
You know, you feel like mad, like empty, and you're like, oh, this is great.
And I got a 20-minute walk to the train.
So I'm walking, and then I try to force out a fart, and I'm just like, oh, that's a bad, that's a bad move.
And then, you know, we had been so fucking strict about being on time, I had to decide.
So I was late to the podcast.
That was one of my exes is I ran home because I was like eight minute walk from home, ran home, showered, changed, came back here late.
You took a whole shower?
Took a whole shower.
What?
Bro, it was just too much.
I walked eight minutes with my ass like, you know what I mean?
Side-to-side shuffle.
It's just not, it was too much.
That's probably why I don't know.
It's any different than just regular shit.
I'm not sure my cheeks and shit.
It's like when you're getting shit out, bro.
Hold on.
You walk it, because you shit it out, but then you got to like walk and you're trying to not.
You know what I mean?
If you walk, man, regular, it's just a little bit of a shit.
It's going to, you know, it's going to create a webbing of shit in between your butt cheeks.
I don't know how much shit came out of you, bro.
That's a lot of shit.
That is a lot of fun.
It was shit in my pants, son.
This probiotic gave me diarrhea.
But you just did a whole push on the fart and the whole just shit came out like a wall.
That's all shit because way more came out when I got on the toilet.
What's in the sense of the shit that came out at that moment?
Eight to ten Fridays.
Ten percent.
It's a piece of shit.
Hold on.
Everybody stop.
10% of the shit that you were going to take came out in your pants.
55.
Hold on.
Did it come out as a log?
No.
It came out as splatter.
Splatter.
Okay.
So it splatters out.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
Hold on.
10% of your shit.
It was a lot.
Splatters out.
Them drawers got thrown out in a community dumpster.
Them shits is gone.
You didn't even take it back up to your house.
You took it back up to your house.
To your house?
Yeah, yeah.
Changed, put them in a separate plastic bag, threw them out in the dumpster.
Did you change your pants?
Oh, no, no.
You wore the same pants.
I wore the same pants.
Come on, Sam.
Oh, dude, that's way worse than my feet.
No.
You sat on that seat that has like an absorbent bottom.
New drawers.
Didn't get it in my shots.
Draws went through the fucking pants.
I saw shit in my jeans.
What type of drawers?
Boxer briefs.
No, no, not the shit, you fucking idiot.
The brand of drawers.
Oh, Michael Jordan, Haynes.
Nice.
So the cheapest drawers.
Premium.
Hold on.
The cheapest drawers.
Okay.
You had single ply toilet paper underwear and you shit right through them.
Yeah.
And then you're going to be like, I'm like, does Hayes slander right now, son?
I have Haines.
I might have them on my.
I'm wearing Haines.
That's what I shit in today.
That's a shitty Haynes.
It goes right through.
Those are bad hands.
You still got a board.
No, no, these are different ones.
You got to change it up.
You got to change it up.
You got to take a whole shower, dog.
Why don't you take a shower?
Oh, you nasty son.
It's nasty to wear the pants.
They got some shit on it.
Nah.
How you figure no?
Because at least.
Let me ask you a question.
When you sweat on your undershirt, does it sometimes touch your shirt?
Sometimes.
And do you just put that shirt back in a clean pant?
I get what you say.
You put that in the back.
No, I get you straight.
I get your shit.
No, no.
What do you do with that shirt?
What do you do with that shirt when it's got some sweat on it?
I wash it.
I wear that shit.
Let's go.
So you wash.
No, I take it off.
You take it off.
And then it goes into laundry.
Right, because it's got some sweat.
Yes.
Right.
Now, imagine instead of sweat, it had a gum.
Imagine a clump of Indian shit.
Imagine a fucking Biryani dump is just stuck into your nasty shirt.
You're not nasty for that, bro.
No, I stay in bias.
10%?
I stay in bias.
10% of a whole shit.
You put your...
How do you shower out of cleanliness and then pick your shit pants right back on?
That makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
You disgusting fucking mongrel.
I'm going to be honest.
I'm going to be honest.
I'm a fucking mole rat.
I don't remember watching those jeans anytime.
Anytime, like after.
Like, it wasn't like, I don't remember watching that.
Because I want your Subies.
No, no, no.
I got the watch about those later.
I don't remember.
I honestly don't.
And I'm honestly.
This motherfucker notifies where the fundamental stuff is.
He knows the way he was walking home.
He knows everything about that.
But you don't remember the jeans.
Honest, of the four jeans I own, I don't know which one.
You got a 25% chance of getting it right.
25% chance.
Now, then you didn't have some seed wasubis.
Either black or khaki.
I don't remember.
So one out of two.
Yeah.
Is your black or your khaki?
I think it was them khakis, bro.
I think you've been wearing fecal matter khakis on this podcast and two other events.
That was too polite.
Fecal matter?
Fecal matter khakis.
I just said I already used doo-doo.
I already used shit.
I already used all the other ones.
I felt I was running out.
So let me tell you something.
Oh my gosh.
I do not remember washing those khakis ever.
So it was the khakis.
I don't know.
I don't know if it's the khakis or the black pants.
It was probably one of those two.
It was one of two.
It was khakis or black pants.
Oh, wow, bro.
This is a good talk, though.
I don't know how y'all shit y'allselves.
When's the last time you washed your pair of jeans?
Bro, that shit is gay, dog.
Son.
I swear.
That shit is super gay.
I did not know I was supposed to wear washed jeans up.
I don't wash jeans, bro.
I only wash them when they get baggy.
I don't wash jeans for cleanliness.
I watch them for fitness.
Aesthetics.
So if they don't fit no more, I'm like, I need to wash these.
So then, how long have you guys owned?
Like, what's the oldest pair of jeans you have?
I've had jeans for over a year that I haven't washed 100%.
You guys?
I usually wash once a year.
Once a year.
What's that?
I just really didn't know you were supposed to wash jeans.
It gives it character, bro.
Like, why would you want to wash the character off your jeans?
What jeans you got, right?
What's up?
What's up?
You got some shit from high school, bro.
From high school.
You never watched some jeans.
I really don't feel them shits no more.
Would your family not wash jeans?
Was there like your mom against them?
No, my mom would wash jeans all the time.
And I was like, why are you allowed to do that?
Immigrant mom was washing everything.
That's probably why he don't wash it.
Mom, you want to be a bad thing?
Yeah, like as soon as they came out, they look like they go from like Wranglers, bro.
Like, if I bought clothes, my mom had to wash all of them before I could wear it because she was so excited.
No, because somebody else could have tried it on.
Yeah, they feel.
Oh.
It's not horrible logic, but it's like, yo, I don't give a fuck.
I'm about to say, like, what's the worst that could happen?
Like, you're going to get that one person who tried the pair of jeans on that had like AIDS or something.
Immigrant Moms and AIDS 00:03:19
They be coming from places with AIDS, bro.
That's a thing.
It's like, it's more dangerous.
Yeah, like the shit.
But they came before AIDS, but that's a valid point.
What do you mean?
Like, my mom got here in like 19.
Does India have AIDS?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
We got that shit.
We got that shit on Smash, bro.
You said it like if somebody acts as Chipotle got guac.
You're like, man, we got that shit.
We got plenty of guac.
Yo, who would fucking Indian to give them AIDS?
No, that's what's shocking to me.
Like, what non-Indian would fuck an Indian girl to give them the AIDS?
Al, was it you, bro?
Get the fuck out of here.
Don't put AIDS on me.
I'm very ready, Mr. Scoop Scoop.
Tommy gets a scoop scoop.
You don't want no AIDS, baby, baby.
Yo, I'm totally playing.
Al is not HIV.
Is what you got first.
It's what causes AIDS.
I ain't got shit.
Let me, let me be generous.
But seriously, there's an AIDS problem out there in India?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
We can't.
I know it's still in.
Last documentary I saw was like seven, eight years ago.
So there's, and it, no, I mean, I mean, there's no jokes whatsoever.
It's an actual like epidemic.
That's a problem.
Just reported India that they got 3,000 more tigers.
So, how they figured out how to, you know, fix that problem, but not AIDS.
Seems like a simple victory.
They increase the tiger population, but not the gay population.
That's what's curious to me about India, bro.
Wait, how did they not increase the gay population?
Well, they be dying of AIDS.
Oh, isn't that a damage?
Seems like an easy fix to me, bro.
What's the easy fix?
Feed them to the tigers.
That's all I'm saying.
A lot of tigers, a lot of gays.
They really did increase the amount of tigers.
You didn't read that?
Nah.
That's what's up, though.
No, there was a declining tiger population.
That shit is up to 3,000.
And the Indian president had a whole press conference about that shit.
Son, we don't all read Homo Weekly, all right?
What can you get your news from?
Like, who the fuck?
Son.
Homo Weekly.
Sorry.
Yo, we don't all read Homo Weekly.
I'm not gonna lie, that shit was really funny, bro.
I can't even not laugh at it.
See what these homo's up to this week.
Yo, what's up?
This is Akash.
That was a preview of our Patreon episode.
If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com/slash flagrantru.
Join the illest community on earth.
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