Flagrant - Andrew Schulz & Akaash Singh - Mo Weekly Aired: 2019-08-02 Duration: 13:48 === Unwashed Jeans and Flip-Flops (10:24) === [00:00:04] I don't need no fucking qualms from you with your SeaWorld feet. [00:00:08] First off, I'm on a headache. [00:00:10] I came in flip-flops today, bro. [00:00:12] That's not. [00:00:13] What? [00:00:15] That looks good. [00:00:16] It looks like you haven't washed in like a week. [00:00:19] Yeah! [00:00:20] Yes! [00:00:22] You don't get to put the flops on the table, too. [00:00:24] Just put the socks. [00:00:27] They're nice flip-flops, bro. [00:00:28] Yeah, but they've been on the streets of New York. [00:00:29] Oh, man, these are disgusting. [00:00:31] I'm looking at the bottom of your feet. [00:00:32] God doesn't put his slides in those feet. [00:00:35] Did not put those fucking feet on my slides, bro. [00:00:37] Come on, son. [00:00:38] Come on, bro. [00:00:40] Wow, those look. [00:00:41] Like, try to look at the bottom. [00:00:42] You really, you were still in some sort of restaurant. [00:00:46] You stepped in shit. [00:00:47] Are you still flexible enough to eat your toenails? [00:00:49] I forgot. [00:00:49] Are you still flexible enough to eat your toenails? [00:00:51] Son, I shit in my pants today in the subway, bro. [00:00:55] What? [00:00:55] I shit my fucking pants today in the subway. [00:00:58] Dude, I don't know what I had yesterday, but it was making everything liquid. [00:01:03] I'm going to the subway to get my international license so I could do Mario Karts in Tokyo. [00:01:07] Nice. [00:01:08] You can do Mario Karts on the streets of Tokyo if you have an international license. [00:01:11] Okay. [00:01:12] Subway car doors open, right? [00:01:14] I try to let out a fart. [00:01:16] Oh, no. [00:01:17] Oh, no. [00:01:18] That's always my favorite. [00:01:19] That's always my worst fear. [00:01:20] That's always my worst fear. [00:01:21] That shit bubbles, and then I know it's liquid. [00:01:25] Right? [00:01:25] Bubbles. [00:01:26] It's mad hot in your ass. [00:01:27] It's already mad, moist, and hot because I was wearing pants this day. [00:01:31] It was a heat advisory yesterday. [00:01:33] Elevated door before somebody gets to the subway. [00:01:35] Subway. [00:01:36] No, I mean, like, your butthole is like the elevator door. [00:01:39] So I. Do you tighten up? [00:01:44] I. I. Can I tell the motherfucking story, y'all? [00:01:48] Jesus Christ, bro. [00:01:50] Can I get it? [00:01:51] Y'all can tag it after I tell it. [00:01:53] Let me get the shit out. [00:01:54] Jesus. [00:01:55] That's the problem. [00:01:58] So I fart and the doors open and I have a decision to make, which is walk all the way back to my apartment. [00:02:09] Yes. [00:02:10] Which is another like five blocks. [00:02:12] I'm going to be super late for the fucking, for the AAA thing to get the license. [00:02:17] I'm probably not going to be able to do the triple-A. [00:02:19] I still got to do all this edit shit. [00:02:20] And it was like just a little bit of poop. [00:02:23] So I walked right in, let those doors close, and I fucking sat down on the shit that I did. [00:02:29] And the second I got out of the train, I went to Le Pan Cotidienne. [00:02:32] I took a wild shit inside Le Pan Cotitien. [00:02:35] How the drawers look? [00:02:36] It was dark. [00:02:37] At the bottom of your feet? [00:02:38] No, it was dark already, so it wasn't. [00:02:41] How do you say Le Pan? [00:02:43] I've been calling that shit Le Pain Quotient, son. [00:02:45] I ain't know. [00:02:46] Le Pan Cotidienne. [00:02:49] That's how it's pronounced? [00:02:50] Y'all know what it is? [00:02:51] I've never even tried to say it. [00:02:52] Do you know which one I'm talking about? [00:02:54] It's like all wood inside? [00:02:55] Yeah. [00:02:56] The quarterbread? [00:02:57] Is that what it means? [00:02:58] Le Pan? [00:02:59] Le Pan Cotetien. [00:03:00] Cotidienne. [00:03:01] I don't know what that means. [00:03:03] The bread. [00:03:03] I know Obon Pan is the good bread. [00:03:06] Oh, yes. [00:03:07] So Le Pan Cotoshi. [00:03:09] Whatever that quote shit means something. [00:03:11] Point is at 35, I shit my pants today and walked around. [00:03:14] Bro, I shit my pants before this podcast one time. [00:03:16] Did you? [00:03:16] Yeah, I told the story on the Patreon. [00:03:18] How do you guys shit your pants so much? [00:03:20] You're adults. [00:03:20] Son, I took my head out. [00:03:22] I don't get you. [00:03:22] I had a kombucha. [00:03:24] You know the probiotic? [00:03:25] Look, and I took a great shit. [00:03:27] You know, you feel like mad, like empty, and you're like, oh, this is great. [00:03:30] And I got a 20-minute walk to the train. [00:03:33] So I'm walking, and then I try to force out a fart, and I'm just like, oh, that's a bad, that's a bad move. [00:03:40] And then, you know, we had been so fucking strict about being on time, I had to decide. [00:03:44] So I was late to the podcast. [00:03:46] That was one of my exes is I ran home because I was like eight minute walk from home, ran home, showered, changed, came back here late. [00:03:53] You took a whole shower? [00:03:54] Took a whole shower. [00:03:55] What? [00:03:55] Bro, it was just too much. [00:03:57] I walked eight minutes with my ass like, you know what I mean? [00:04:00] Side-to-side shuffle. [00:04:01] It's just not, it was too much. [00:04:03] That's probably why I don't know. [00:04:04] It's any different than just regular shit. [00:04:05] I'm not sure my cheeks and shit. [00:04:06] It's like when you're getting shit out, bro. [00:04:09] Hold on. [00:04:10] You walk it, because you shit it out, but then you got to like walk and you're trying to not. [00:04:14] You know what I mean? [00:04:18] If you walk, man, regular, it's just a little bit of a shit. [00:04:21] It's going to, you know, it's going to create a webbing of shit in between your butt cheeks. [00:04:26] I don't know how much shit came out of you, bro. [00:04:28] That's a lot of shit. [00:04:29] That is a lot of fun. [00:04:30] It was shit in my pants, son. [00:04:32] This probiotic gave me diarrhea. [00:04:34] But you just did a whole push on the fart and the whole just shit came out like a wall. [00:04:38] That's all shit because way more came out when I got on the toilet. [00:04:40] What's in the sense of the shit that came out at that moment? [00:04:43] Eight to ten Fridays. [00:04:44] Ten percent. [00:04:46] It's a piece of shit. [00:04:47] Hold on. [00:04:49] Everybody stop. [00:04:50] 10% of the shit that you were going to take came out in your pants. [00:04:53] 55. [00:04:54] Hold on. [00:04:54] Did it come out as a log? [00:04:56] No. [00:04:56] It came out as splatter. [00:04:58] Splatter. [00:04:59] Okay. [00:05:00] So it splatters out. [00:05:02] Yeah. [00:05:03] Right? [00:05:03] Yeah. [00:05:05] Hold on. [00:05:06] 10% of your shit. [00:05:08] It was a lot. [00:05:09] Splatters out. [00:05:10] Them drawers got thrown out in a community dumpster. [00:05:13] Them shits is gone. [00:05:15] You didn't even take it back up to your house. [00:05:17] You took it back up to your house. [00:05:17] To your house? [00:05:18] Yeah, yeah. [00:05:18] Changed, put them in a separate plastic bag, threw them out in the dumpster. [00:05:22] Did you change your pants? [00:05:24] Oh, no, no. [00:05:25] You wore the same pants. [00:05:26] I wore the same pants. [00:05:26] Come on, Sam. [00:05:27] Oh, dude, that's way worse than my feet. [00:05:29] No. [00:05:30] You sat on that seat that has like an absorbent bottom. [00:05:33] New drawers. [00:05:35] Didn't get it in my shots. [00:05:36] Draws went through the fucking pants. [00:05:38] I saw shit in my jeans. [00:05:40] What type of drawers? [00:05:41] Boxer briefs. [00:05:42] No, no, not the shit, you fucking idiot. [00:05:45] The brand of drawers. [00:05:48] Oh, Michael Jordan, Haynes. [00:05:49] Nice. [00:05:50] So the cheapest drawers. [00:05:52] Premium. [00:05:53] Hold on. [00:05:53] The cheapest drawers. [00:05:56] Okay. [00:05:57] You had single ply toilet paper underwear and you shit right through them. [00:06:01] Yeah. [00:06:02] And then you're going to be like, I'm like, does Hayes slander right now, son? [00:06:05] I have Haines. [00:06:07] I might have them on my. [00:06:08] I'm wearing Haines. [00:06:09] That's what I shit in today. [00:06:10] That's a shitty Haynes. [00:06:11] It goes right through. [00:06:12] Those are bad hands. [00:06:12] You still got a board. [00:06:13] No, no, these are different ones. [00:06:14] You got to change it up. [00:06:15] You got to change it up. [00:06:16] You got to take a whole shower, dog. [00:06:18] Why don't you take a shower? [00:06:19] Oh, you nasty son. [00:06:21] It's nasty to wear the pants. [00:06:22] They got some shit on it. [00:06:24] Nah. [00:06:25] How you figure no? [00:06:26] Because at least. [00:06:27] Let me ask you a question. [00:06:28] When you sweat on your undershirt, does it sometimes touch your shirt? [00:06:33] Sometimes. [00:06:34] And do you just put that shirt back in a clean pant? [00:06:37] I get what you say. [00:06:38] You put that in the back. [00:06:38] No, I get you straight. [00:06:39] I get your shit. [00:06:40] No, no. [00:06:40] What do you do with that shirt? [00:06:43] What do you do with that shirt when it's got some sweat on it? [00:06:45] I wash it. [00:06:46] I wear that shit. [00:06:47] Let's go. [00:06:48] So you wash. [00:06:49] No, I take it off. [00:06:50] You take it off. [00:06:50] And then it goes into laundry. [00:06:52] Right, because it's got some sweat. [00:06:53] Yes. [00:06:53] Right. [00:06:53] Now, imagine instead of sweat, it had a gum. [00:06:57] Imagine a clump of Indian shit. [00:07:03] Imagine a fucking Biryani dump is just stuck into your nasty shirt. [00:07:11] You're not nasty for that, bro. [00:07:13] No, I stay in bias. [00:07:14] 10%? [00:07:15] I stay in bias. [00:07:16] 10% of a whole shit. [00:07:18] You put your... [00:07:19] How do you shower out of cleanliness and then pick your shit pants right back on? [00:07:24] That makes no fucking sense whatsoever. [00:07:27] You disgusting fucking mongrel. [00:07:29] I'm going to be honest. [00:07:30] I'm going to be honest. [00:07:31] I'm a fucking mole rat. [00:07:34] I don't remember watching those jeans anytime. [00:07:38] Anytime, like after. [00:07:40] Like, it wasn't like, I don't remember watching that. [00:07:44] Because I want your Subies. [00:07:46] No, no, no. [00:07:46] I got the watch about those later. [00:07:48] I don't remember. [00:07:49] I honestly don't. [00:07:50] And I'm honestly. [00:07:51] This motherfucker notifies where the fundamental stuff is. [00:07:55] He knows the way he was walking home. [00:07:57] He knows everything about that. [00:08:00] But you don't remember the jeans. [00:08:01] Honest, of the four jeans I own, I don't know which one. [00:08:04] You got a 25% chance of getting it right. [00:08:07] 25% chance. [00:08:09] Now, then you didn't have some seed wasubis. [00:08:12] Either black or khaki. [00:08:13] I don't remember. [00:08:13] So one out of two. [00:08:14] Yeah. [00:08:15] Is your black or your khaki? [00:08:16] I think it was them khakis, bro. [00:08:18] I think you've been wearing fecal matter khakis on this podcast and two other events. [00:08:24] That was too polite. [00:08:25] Fecal matter? [00:08:26] Fecal matter khakis. [00:08:31] I just said I already used doo-doo. [00:08:32] I already used shit. [00:08:34] I already used all the other ones. [00:08:35] I felt I was running out. [00:08:38] So let me tell you something. [00:08:40] Oh my gosh. [00:08:41] I do not remember washing those khakis ever. [00:08:44] So it was the khakis. [00:08:45] I don't know. [00:08:46] I don't know if it's the khakis or the black pants. [00:08:47] It was probably one of those two. [00:08:48] It was one of two. [00:08:48] It was khakis or black pants. [00:08:50] Oh, wow, bro. [00:08:51] This is a good talk, though. [00:08:52] I don't know how y'all shit y'allselves. [00:08:54] When's the last time you washed your pair of jeans? [00:08:56] Bro, that shit is gay, dog. [00:09:00] Son. [00:09:00] I swear. [00:09:01] That shit is super gay. [00:09:02] I did not know I was supposed to wear washed jeans up. [00:09:04] I don't wash jeans, bro. [00:09:05] I only wash them when they get baggy. [00:09:07] I don't wash jeans for cleanliness. [00:09:09] I watch them for fitness. [00:09:09] Aesthetics. [00:09:10] So if they don't fit no more, I'm like, I need to wash these. [00:09:13] So then, how long have you guys owned? [00:09:16] Like, what's the oldest pair of jeans you have? [00:09:17] I've had jeans for over a year that I haven't washed 100%. [00:09:20] You guys? [00:09:21] I usually wash once a year. [00:09:23] Once a year. [00:09:25] What's that? [00:09:35] I just really didn't know you were supposed to wash jeans. [00:09:38] It gives it character, bro. [00:09:40] Like, why would you want to wash the character off your jeans? [00:09:43] What jeans you got, right? [00:09:45] What's up? [00:09:45] What's up? [00:09:45] You got some shit from high school, bro. [00:09:48] From high school. [00:09:49] You never watched some jeans. [00:09:50] I really don't feel them shits no more. [00:09:52] Would your family not wash jeans? [00:09:54] Was there like your mom against them? [00:09:55] No, my mom would wash jeans all the time. [00:09:57] And I was like, why are you allowed to do that? [00:09:58] Immigrant mom was washing everything. [00:09:59] That's probably why he don't wash it. [00:10:00] Mom, you want to be a bad thing? [00:10:02] Yeah, like as soon as they came out, they look like they go from like Wranglers, bro. [00:10:08] Like, if I bought clothes, my mom had to wash all of them before I could wear it because she was so excited. [00:10:12] No, because somebody else could have tried it on. [00:10:14] Yeah, they feel. [00:10:15] Oh. [00:10:17] It's not horrible logic, but it's like, yo, I don't give a fuck. [00:10:21] I'm about to say, like, what's the worst that could happen? [00:10:24] Like, you're going to get that one person who tried the pair of jeans on that had like AIDS or something. === Immigrant Moms and AIDS (03:19) === [00:10:28] They be coming from places with AIDS, bro. [00:10:30] That's a thing. [00:10:31] It's like, it's more dangerous. [00:10:33] Yeah, like the shit. [00:10:34] But they came before AIDS, but that's a valid point. [00:10:36] What do you mean? [00:10:37] Like, my mom got here in like 19. [00:10:39] Does India have AIDS? [00:10:40] Oh, yeah. [00:10:42] Really? [00:10:44] We got that shit. [00:10:46] We got that shit on Smash, bro. [00:10:48] You said it like if somebody acts as Chipotle got guac. [00:10:50] You're like, man, we got that shit. [00:10:53] We got plenty of guac. [00:10:54] Yo, who would fucking Indian to give them AIDS? [00:10:57] No, that's what's shocking to me. [00:10:59] Like, what non-Indian would fuck an Indian girl to give them the AIDS? [00:11:06] Al, was it you, bro? [00:11:09] Get the fuck out of here. [00:11:10] Don't put AIDS on me. [00:11:11] I'm very ready, Mr. Scoop Scoop. [00:11:17] Tommy gets a scoop scoop. [00:11:19] You don't want no AIDS, baby, baby. [00:11:25] Yo, I'm totally playing. [00:11:26] Al is not HIV. [00:11:29] Is what you got first. [00:11:31] It's what causes AIDS. [00:11:36] I ain't got shit. [00:11:37] Let me, let me be generous. [00:11:39] But seriously, there's an AIDS problem out there in India? [00:11:41] Oh, yeah. [00:11:42] Really? [00:11:42] We can't. [00:11:44] I know it's still in. [00:11:45] Last documentary I saw was like seven, eight years ago. [00:11:47] So there's, and it, no, I mean, I mean, there's no jokes whatsoever. [00:11:51] It's an actual like epidemic. [00:11:53] That's a problem. [00:11:55] Just reported India that they got 3,000 more tigers. [00:12:02] So, how they figured out how to, you know, fix that problem, but not AIDS. [00:12:11] Seems like a simple victory. [00:12:12] They increase the tiger population, but not the gay population. [00:12:16] That's what's curious to me about India, bro. [00:12:19] Wait, how did they not increase the gay population? [00:12:22] Well, they be dying of AIDS. [00:12:23] Oh, isn't that a damage? [00:12:28] Seems like an easy fix to me, bro. [00:12:30] What's the easy fix? [00:12:32] Feed them to the tigers. [00:12:33] That's all I'm saying. [00:12:36] A lot of tigers, a lot of gays. [00:12:38] They really did increase the amount of tigers. [00:12:40] You didn't read that? [00:12:41] Nah. [00:12:41] That's what's up, though. [00:12:42] No, there was a declining tiger population. [00:12:44] That shit is up to 3,000. [00:12:45] And the Indian president had a whole press conference about that shit. [00:12:49] Son, we don't all read Homo Weekly, all right? [00:12:53] What can you get your news from? [00:12:56] Like, who the fuck? [00:12:58] Son. [00:12:59] Homo Weekly. [00:13:09] Sorry. [00:13:10] Yo, we don't all read Homo Weekly. [00:13:13] I'm not gonna lie, that shit was really funny, bro. [00:13:16] I can't even not laugh at it. [00:13:27] See what these homo's up to this week. [00:13:34] Yo, what's up? [00:13:34] This is Akash. [00:13:35] That was a preview of our Patreon episode. [00:13:38] If you want the full thing, go to www.patreon.com/slash flagrantru. [00:13:43] Join the illest community on earth. [00:13:45] Unless you're a social justice warrior, then you're just going to ruin the fun.