Vanilla Mace reveals her six-year history as a Boston stripper, contrasting the autonomy of clubs like Centerfolds with the harassment risks of service roles and detailing strict tipping etiquette. She explains compensation splits, regional nudity laws in Massachusetts, and shares anecdotes ranging from magic-claiming patrons to a failed $25,000 penile surgery resulting in a "Franken Wiener." The episode also covers physiological topics like "Ozempic penis," social dynamics regarding size, and concludes with Mace's revelation that her father was best friends with Ruth Bader Ginsburg at Cornell. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Special Guest Arrival00:01:36
The rule is don't touch.
Don't touch.
You just want to touch.
He's not a fault, bro.
You just wanted to sit up as he's going to just speak.
That's it.
He wanted to just have input.
No.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Fear and Podcast where we have a very, very, very special guest.
Hello, Miss Manila.
How are you?
I'm good.
How is everyone?
We're doing fantastic.
We were all really excited about this episode.
Yes.
Everybody's excited.
And I canceled it.
For me?
That's crazy.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
That's thousands of dollars, dude.
Don't think you're familiar.
Well, I know.
I'm like, poor Will will be.
Poor Will will be on the streets tonight.
He has to feed his laboo boo.
Yeah.
Look at how expensive his tastes are.
No, he's an expensive child.
Yeah.
Well, the family's all together with a guest.
It's rare that we can all get together at once.
And even rare when we can get together with a guest.
Yes, we're so excited to have you on the podcast.
Yeah.
Somehow, Austin is more tired now that he lives in LA.
No, he's been complaining about it.
What?
You came in.
I don't know.
You came in and instantly started complaining about living in Los Angeles.
Cancelled Episode Drama00:12:59
No, no, no.
It's because, well, I can't talk about it.
Some of the things you can't talk about on the show, which is fine.
Well, yeah.
But you're just complaining because this was supposed to alleviate some of the pressure of you having to fly in all the goddamn time.
No, everything's fine.
But it's a lot of noise.
No, it was.
I didn't.
You had boys over.
Yes, I did.
I did have boys over, okay?
Several, okay?
Yeah.
Several boys.
Who work in professional fields in front of camera?
Yes.
Adult society.
Yes, there was an adult party at my house.
Wait, an adult party?
Like an orgy?
I hosted it.
It wasn't an orgy.
Well, it could have been if we didn't get sent inside at 10.15 because regardless, the drama, just a little bit of a taste drive.
I don't want to tell much.
I've just got a fucking neighbor that doesn't like me to make any noise, okay?
And that's the drama.
I'm not going to talk anymore about it, but that's the.
I just know you'll handle it correctly.
I will not.
I started handling it correctly, and then I became a petty bitch.
Yeah.
We could do what that guy did and build a butt in your yard.
I should.
You know what?
I'm now anti-HOA for this.
It took one fucking neighbor to make me anti-HOA.
But enough about me.
Okay, good.
Enough about me.
I want to get into our guest.
Yes.
I want to get into it.
Vanilla Mason in the vanilla.
Praising, crazy, praising.
Let's run that back.
I want to talk about it.
Yes.
Yeah.
What's new in your life?
What is new?
This, I guess, just like everything that's been happening.
Pretty cool.
Other than that, I mean, it's been kind of like fucking same old, same old.
Yeah, same old Same O. You're just you.
Tell the people what you do that might not know.
I'm sure everybody under the age of 25, all the cool kids know who you are, but we also have an older audience.
Very true.
Okay.
So what do you do?
All right.
So for the oldies out there, I...
No, we are the oldest.
They like it.
They like it.
We are the oldest.
Just kidding.
I Twitch stream.
I do YouTube, TikTok, a little bit of everything, but I'd say Twitch is like my main thing.
And you've been popping off.
Yeah.
Major pop-up.
Yeah, it's been fucking awesome.
So how did that happen?
Honestly, this thing right here.
I did a video where I unboxed a skull panda and the video itself that I posted didn't even like go that viral.
Someone made an edit of it and because I got two of the same one and they just edited it with this like really dramatic music over it and like I don't know it went so viral and I'm like what the hell?
Okay, sure.
And everyone was like, who is this?
She's so funny.
And then from there, it kind of just was like a snowball thing where people just started like posting clips and edits of me and stuff of like from my stream or whatever.
And I was like, cool.
All right.
I didn't even have to do anything free marketing, guys.
Yes.
So the one, it's the third one.
It's like the original one, but the edit is I don't know how I'd find the edit.
Here, let's see the OG one.
Where it all started.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Damn, it's so popular, it won't even show.
TikTok is trying to say.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
Type in vanilla mace Christmas tree.
That might bring it up.
Oh, yeah.
TikTok is something new.
Okay, I think this is it.
Basically, that is 900,000 likes.
So I got two of them at once, and I was really just so many.
Oh, yeah.
So then I went back and I got the same one.
So this must be a relatable experience for a lot of people.
For a lot of the blind box people, yeah.
Very related.
Yeah.
It's really, that's all it is, which is a girl gambling.
It's also very important.
It's a cute inside.
Yes, yes.
So people were just like having fun with that, making their own edits.
And yeah.
And then here we are.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
Pretty cool.
I love that.
I don't understand laboo boos at all.
I didn't even know how to say it until recently, but I've learned.
Yeah.
Explain to me what the appeal is, please.
Okay.
So I'm just a lover of trinkets and anything small and cute.
It's just some maternal instinct in me.
I don't know.
So I collected sunny angels for a while.
Do you guys know about sunny angels?
No.
Marsh, can you pull up a sunny angel?
This is one on my phone.
They have ones that go on your stream.
Wait, you got a sunny angel from my store.
I got it for you.
I didn't know that it was.
I didn't even know that it was actually called a sunny angel.
Yes.
But here it is.
Oh, my God.
This is bad news.
Let me see.
That's funny.
Okay.
Well, that's his friend Mozart.
But it's, it's, yes.
What is that?
Look at it.
It's for vanilla mace.
That's an orca face.
I love him.
Okay, that's actually funny.
Hold on.
Let me show you.
Swag.
Look.
Wow.
How many phones?
Do you just have extra phones so you can put stuff on?
Well, yeah, honestly, that's the appeal of it.
Okay.
You're a multi-phone gal.
I have two.
Only for when I, I'm like, so new.
I'm so not techie.
So when IRL stream, I'm like, well, I need a second phone.
I was literally IRL streaming off of my only phone.
No way to text.
No way to tell what time it is.
Just out with a fucking dream.
I was like, hey, guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like, I need it.
Just a stream phone.
I think.
Yeah.
Okay.
Got it.
That makes sense.
I think what initially drew me to you is that you have one of the most instantly polarizing aesthetics I've ever seen.
And I love it.
Yeah.
I love your aesthetic.
Thank you so much.
Kind of a fashion icon.
Really?
Yeah.
I like, you don't even know what my aesthetic really is.
It's like kind of like manic cute, like wild.
Okay, perfect.
That's kind of, yeah, if I had to describe what I was trying to go for, I guess that would be bad.
Yeah.
Well, thank you.
Hey, I noticed.
He's done his research.
Thank you so much.
Wow.
So what did you do before you started Twitch streaming?
I was a sex worker, actually.
I was a stripper for six years.
That's right.
Yes.
Hell yeah.
We're pro-sex.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, we love that.
I'm sorry about the laptop.
So thank you for I think there's nothing wrong with consuming sex work, cutie Cinderella.
I don't think there's anything else.
It's the way you consume it.
Oh, really?
It's the way it's decent.
Well, laying it on your chest while you jerk off his stuff.
If I can't see it, I can still.
I can look at his own penis.
That's how confident he is.
I can talk to a parent and see my pen.
You get top-down clearance.
What do you mean?
Yeah, like I put a pillow behind me.
Okay.
And I don't fully lay down.
And then I can see my penis as well.
No, he's just bragging because he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, it's you.
We get it, Hassan.
Okay, now that we're talking about your penis, I got to bring something down.
Hang on.
This is like a JFK shooter.
Go get the laptop.
I need to see.
No, no, don't get it.
He says he can see his penis.
I don't believe it.
I don't want you to get the laptop.
Well, let's do that in the Patreon.
That thing has like 10,000 of your dead babies on the bottom.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do it in the Patreon because our patrons will sub for that.
I don't nut on the laptop.
What the hell?
There's no way.
Everybody.
No.
I have complete control over the situation.
It's every laptop after.
Okay.
Yeah.
After I use a napkin.
A napkin.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
You're the only one touching a laptop.
Who gives a shit?
Oh, yeah.
Paper towel.
Now that we're talking about your penis.
Okay, I need to bring something up.
Last night, I had a porn star.
You're throwing Mace in.
So sorry, Maze.
You're okay.
No, I love it.
Do you like doing something?
I'm mace or vanilla either.
I'm like anything.
Oh, whatever you want.
I'm like, okay.
Maze sounds tough.
Yeah, that's cool.
I do like that.
So, Mace, last night, I had a porn star over at my house.
This porn star's name, I got permission to tell this story, is Joey Mills.
Okay, Joey Mills, for those of you that find Joey Mills is a very prolific gay porn star.
Has been in the business for probably about nine years now.
This man did.
Incognito tab.
So Joey.
So old is Joey.
Joey's 27.
Oh, wow.
But he's been in the industry since he was 86.
Twink bottom.
He's taught before.
Yeah.
In his life?
Yeah, no, no, no.
He's been on film doing it.
He's verse.
Yeah, he's verse.
So anyway.
Which videos do you watch?
Well, I've watched many over the years.
Over the years.
Over the years.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, anyway, regardless, my viewing of Joey is irrelevant, okay?
He was over as a friend last night.
We were having a great time.
All right.
So Joey sends me, Christian was at the table with me, and he's like, he brings up the fact that he had sent a DM to me one time.
Joey slid into my DMs and said, hey, I heard you like Twinks.
And he didn't, we brought it up and we were talking about that at the table.
And he says, you know what?
Actually, I was just trying to get the Hassan Piker.
That was devastating.
No, it was fine.
It was fine.
It was funny.
And he goes.
He's a confident man.
So he goes, We really got to start turning out Twinks for him to start feeling.
Yeah.
I don't like this.
We should talk about how we're going to have a three-way with Christian.
Just as on a matter of principle, we got to turn out your friend who's a guy.
So I said, so I said, you know what, Joey?
I don't like that.
He's not threatened.
We used to get into competitions.
We used to talk to fucking.
I could outfuck him on a shit.
So I want to fuck Hassan Piker.
And I was like, I said, you know, he's a straight man.
I'm honored.
And I was like, you know, he's a straight man.
And he's like, I know.
And I was like, okay.
This is, you know, obviously he does.
I don't think he knows.
But I would be.
You have an aesthetic.
Yeah.
And it's hot.
Your aesthetic is gay Disney channel.
Like his type?
Hold on.
Guys, folks.
That looks like if he had a collared shirt, that's an episode of Drake and John.
Guys, He is getting into a conflict with his principal.
Guys, you don't need to look at Joey's porn.
We're not looking at his porn.
He was at my house for friendship.
There was nothing going on.
Regardless, I just wanted to tell you that, and he knows you're straight.
This is kind of a, you know, it's a joke.
I'm honored.
But he will say he wanted me to let you know that he would give you a blowjob.
Okay, cool.
You should take it.
Nothing gay about that.
Yeah.
Nothing gay about that.
Behind the paywall.
As long as we keep our socks on.
Yeah, okay.
But I'd be remiss not to tell you.
This is the best compliment, though, I feel like when a gay man compliments them 100%.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like the highest form of praise.
For me, that was definitely an experience.
When I first moved to West Hollywood, I was like a southern frat boy, and I was a little put off by the advances.
And by the time I left that gym in West Hollywood, I was looking for the compliments.
You know what I mean?
If I didn't have a gay man complimenting my packs, I really felt flat that day.
Yeah.
No, seriously.
Yeah.
Gay man screen.
A gay man compliment is perfect.
It's amazing.
That's what we all live for.
Oh, cutie.
You sell stuff, don't you?
I sell so many things.
I sell wares online.
Well, how do you do it?
Oh, I use Shopify because it's easy enough for a dummy like me.
Oh, wow.
I'm kind of stupid, too.
Do you think I can do that?
Yeah.
It's confusing.
You know, you sell stuff.
You're like, how am I supposed to do that?
And you freak out.
And all you have to do is go to Shopify's website.
Really?
You can specifically go to shopify.com/slash fear to sign up for your $1 per month trial to start selling today at Shopify.com.
That's wild.
And it makes all the small business stuff freaking easy, man.
For dummies like me.
Yeah, but you can get all the big stuff for your small business right with Cha-Ching Shopify.
He doesn't have any commerce, but when he does, he will certainly use Shopify.com.
All right.
And we'll take advantage of the $1 a month trial by going to Shopify.com slash fear.
Shopify.com/slash fear.
Do you?
Why don't you compliment me anymore?
Is it because Joey Mills wants me instead of you?
He's trying.
Is that what he gets some jealousy out?
No, I'm comfortable.
I'm comfortable in my own skin.
Because you used to compliment me.
Strip Club Etiquette00:15:44
There were other porn stars at my house last night.
Yeah, I feel old and washed, washed away.
No, I just told you Joey Mills wanted to suck you.
Okay.
That made me feel.
What do you want?
Yeah, okay.
What do you want?
Do you want me to say it too?
I mean, it wouldn't hurt.
Don't say that.
You're better than the same person.
You're better than me.
No, no, no.
Vanilla, there's a long-standing misunderstanding on the internet that him and I are dead.
It's not a real thing.
It's our own.
Me and Cutie Cinderella.
So that's also a good idea.
Anyway, but they think that he's my type, and it's just not really.
Yeah, yeah.
That's just like an internet thing, though.
They ship anyone with it.
They really do.
And it's frustrating.
You know what I mean?
I'm like, he is literally in the comments with alt accounts, literally being like, hey, guys, are literally too gay together?
What do you guys think?
And what if they take it?
Yeah.
No, he is instantly.
He's got sock accounts.
Yeah.
No, because there's people that actually believe it.
Yeah, tell me.
It's him.
He's been on Austin Show.
I've seen them in clips all the time.
They look so committed.
Do you talk about your sex work?
Yeah, okay.
Okay, so did you work in a where did you work?
Okay, so I started at a club in Boston.
When I first started working at the club, I feel like Boston's a tough place to strip.
Well, you know what's funny?
The way the laws are out there, in like the city of Boston, there's only two strip clubs and they're not.
And they have to serve chowder at both.
They're right next to each other on the same side of the street.
Oh my god.
One door is here and the other door is here.
Like both the bouncers.
Center folds and the glass slipper.
Okay.
Glass slipper.
They used to call it the slippery G slipper.
Slippery G.
Yeah.
I got so fucking hot.
The glass slipper.
You got a glass slip up.
You can't go to the glass slipper.
Okay, so how was which one did you work at?
Centerfold.
Centerfolds.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
You have to go.
Yeah, healthy rivalry.
Is that like a metaphor?
It was like, okay, so it was.
No, I don't think it was a centerfold.
It was just someone who's like, back in the day.
The center folds.
Back in the day, magazine used to have magazines like Playboy used to have centerfolds.
Did you hit it with this, man?
Centerfold is a vagina.
Center fold.
Oh, God.
See what I mean?
Oh, like the actual food.
Wait, that's actually kind of poetic.
I've never seen it.
Thank you, ladies.
No, the ladies with vaginas are backing me up.
That's not a double entendre.
It's just straight up because centerfolds is like a Playboy model, and then the Centerfold is a big model.
Yeah, but Austin just came up with something beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what that means, but I thought that there was like a double entendre.
Yeah, see?
It could be technically.
I don't know.
See, I was reaching.
Sometimes I miss most of the time.
Imagine a hot man was like, or like, it would be in like a, what, that stupid movie, that book, Court of Thorns and Roses, where he's like, they're like, he grazed my centerfold.
Yeah.
It's kind of beautiful.
My centerfold.
Isn't that very smut?
Yeah.
Okay.
See, that's, I think it's going to take off.
My friend, actually, my friend who I used to dance with at that club, she writes books like that.
Really?
Yeah.
She writes like hers is more like Star Wars-esque, though.
Like, kind of like galaxy fucking.
She wants to do like YA, but like sci-fi.
Yeah, I think so.
It's more like, yeah, back in the middle of the day.
It's for the nerdy girlies.
Yes.
They don't want to flick the beat.
What was your time at Centerfold?
It was okay.
So it was unlike any other club that I had worked at since it was like the first club that I ever was at.
I didn't know what to expect.
And they like literally brainwashed us, but not in like a horrible way.
Like your own family way?
No, it was like you like, this is the best club in Boston.
If you think you're talking about the classes, there was one actually a little bit outside of town, too, called the Golden Banana.
So what you would think, people would come in all the time thinking it was a gay club.
Yeah.
So it was straight?
Yeah, it was just cool.
The golden banana.
Yeah, the gold.
So many strips.
Yeah, what the fuck were they thinking?
Where are the bananas?
Yeah.
Yeah, where are the fucking stuff?
Well, I could see what they're thinking.
So I've been to a strip club with women.
And I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this.
I went with my friends who are straight.
You know, it's like a bachelor party type thing.
And I would, you know, the girls would come up with me because they're working and I would get cash because I'd like to support the dancers.
But I'd tell them I was gay, which is like, you know, hey, I'm just here to support.
What is the like, did they believe me?
Do you think?
Yeah, no, I think they believe you.
I don't think.
Well, because you can tell some guys.
You can tell when guys are like kind of bullshitting and dirty.
Just don't put your centerfold on me.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Okay, got it.
So, yeah, no, I think that the, and as long as you're like respectful and shit.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, of course.
No, no.
I would.
Oh, so men, some men will be like, be like, I'm gay, and then like, try to do something great.
Yeah.
Try to be funny with their fucking friend or something.
Yeah.
You'd be surprised how many guys think that they're just Avery.
Which is funny.
Everyone stage Avery.
What was your song?
I didn't, I would say, it honestly depends on my vibe.
Mostly the weekend.
Probably just more like slower shit.
And you did pole dancing as well?
Not too much of that.
Yeah, not too much.
Okay, I'm just gonna.
Because we went to do pole dancing.
And we learned it is hard.
It's hard as fuck, right?
I can do, I could climb the pole.
I could do a little twirl.
That's about it.
And I would not even bother half the time because I'm like, the girls that could do the, they're like upside down, backflip, fucking into a split.
I'm like, yeah, I'm just gonna like, I'm just gonna shake my ass all the day.
I'm like, yeah, so that was pretty much my gig.
She twerked.
Yeah.
A lot of that.
Well, a lot of that.
You learned that as well.
Also very difficult.
Very difficult.
Yeah.
Even it's just one of those things.
For some people, it just doesn't.
Even girls that I know that have worked for years, they're like, I just, I can't get it to move like that, man.
Yeah, I don't know.
I either got it or you don't.
Yeah, it's just one of those things.
Did you have a regular job before going into stripping?
So my mom does hair and I like always grew up.
I was like, I want to do cosmetology too.
And so I like worked in salons.
I did like reception and I did like a little makeup and stuff here and there.
And like, I didn't actually like finish going to school to do, because I was like, I don't like this shit.
I was like, wait, I hate this.
How would you compare the experience working in a salon versus working at a strip club?
You want to know what?
That's apples and oranges, really.
No, no, I don't know.
It's really the reason why I'm asking.
It's actually funny because it's like obviously both like industries.
It's like a lot of women, that you're around a lot of women all the time.
And sometimes I feel like it would be more caddy at the salons than it would be at the strip club.
I think like at the strip club, it would be more caddy.
But yeah, it was a lot of, a lot of, a lot of nonsense at the salon.
I don't know.
I mean, don't get me wrong, there is drama at the strip club.
Oh, yeah.
I don't really, I mean, in my sixth years, I never, I never had to punch anybody.
Did you ever punch someone at the salon?
No, but I mean, but girls hit each other all the time.
The reason why I asked this is my stripper friends usually will talk about how like working at like a McDonald's or something like that where they got sexually harassed like way more and had way less autonomy from their own personal experience as opposed to like working at a strip club where there's at least like a bouncer, a scary, like you could just get up and walk away.
Yeah, exactly.
Even I bartended for a little bit.
I was a like a bar back like at this restaurant.
It was a restaurant too.
It wasn't even like a bar.
It was this Italian restaurant.
And I got more fucking harassed there than like at the club because you can't eat the bar.
You have to be like behind the bar and you still like, oh my God, I got to fucking entertain this loser right now.
Got to make a fucking old fashioned club.
Like if someone's being annoying, you could just get up and walk away, which is the beauty of it, I guess.
Yeah.
Someone's coming up to you like, I'm gay.
By the way, I'm gay.
I wasn't.
Look, I was saying.
I'm here to support the girls.
I was tipping.
And that's the thing.
I've had some gay guys come in and they're like the best, honestly.
Yeah, we were tipping and having fun.
Nice fresh, madam.
He's easily stingy.
I am not stingy.
I'm not surprised.
Actually, a lot of times when women come in, like bachelorette parties, they are worse than the guys sometimes.
Yeah.
They think that they, because they're girls, they're like, fucking, like, I'm like, oh, my God.
Like, what in temple?
I mean, exactly what it looked like.
I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like, whoa, we're not cool like that.
I'm like, what were some of the rules in Massachusetts?
Because California has some whack-ass rules for strip clubs where you can't be like fully nude.
With alcohol, right?
Yeah, with alcohol.
Do they want to sell alcohol?
So then in Utah, you can't show nipples.
Really?
You have to wear pasties and things like that.
You can't take your underwear.
Utah has strip clubs.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
It's called the Mormon.
Southern Exposure.
Southern Exposure.
That's a hard thing.
I like that.
It's called the Mission.
I like that.
I think.
They need one just called the Temple.
There probably is.
That'd be a great strip club.
I like both the mission and the temple.
The Mormon church would not allow that.
Oh, no way.
No.
Have that much influence over there in Utah, the Mormon church, they own the state.
Yeah, I guess they do.
Yeah, I guess they all.
What about a kosher strip club called The Synagogue?
Oh, I like that okay, okay.
Yeah, the rules in Ball, okay, so you can do fully nude with alcohol.
Okay, here it's one or the other, it's a civilized place.
Yeah, if you.
Yeah, if out here, if you go to a club that has alcohol, you can only do topless, like the girls cannot take their bottoms off, but if you go to one that doesn't serve alcohol, then the girls can be fully nude.
But how do you go to?
How would you?
That would be going sober, you'd be.
Yeah, you know, that's the thing.
I know a lot of like, a lot of that.
Huh, some places I think like, let you bring your own.
Yeah no, I was at a club.
There was a.
There was a liquor store right.
There was a liquor store right next to it.
Oh interesting yeah, the vibe seems blank.
But Boston yeah, they were fully nude without with alcohol and but with that they had a very strict contact rule.
They were like, if you can't touch too much, like very, they're very strict, can they touch it all.
So if you did like a just a lap dance, like like a 20 dance, you literally like had to like lap dances are only 20 bucks.
Okay, so for us all, 20 a song.
I know, raise your vice, and we hated doing those because you wouldn't like make any money off of them, because then you have to like give a cut of it to the club club.
Yeah, but the champagne room that's where the real money's at.
What's that about?
So the champagne room was 500 for the hour.
Then you, the the guy has to buy a bottle of champagne.
The bottles start at like 250.
You get to take the full 500 and you just sit and drink and fucking shit, chat and whatever, like it's cute.
And then sometimes you're like you want to do another hour.
Sure, you're up there for three, four hours.
Sometimes you're like cha-ching, that's huge yeah, so that was like the main thing there.
Nobody ever wanted to do the lap dances.
When you do the lap dance dance yeah, you have to be like this far in front of them.
It's so awkward.
That's like the, the Japanese model 20.
Your lap dance with a hosted model yes no no, that's so cheap.
I was gonna say like 20 a song even, like when I was still dancing out here, like before I I, I quit, I still.
Oh, you dance around here.
Yeah, BODY SHOP um, i've heard of that club.
Yeah, I was at Sam's and Samsara just wanders into the Chicken Bacon Ranch and like I got 20 moves.
Eradicate Costco from the marketing competition.
Oh dude, I would.
Yeah, that'd put a whole different sentence.
Was there?
Was there ever anyone that got the champagne room and then like min-max and was like you need to dance the entire time.
Yeah oh, yeah.
And the game yeah no, and i'm like oh, my god, you gotta be kidding me it's good cardio though.
Yeah, it is good cardio it is, and sometimes they would be like I don't really drink much, so I would like just like kind of fake ship sip the champagne yeah, and they would be like, come on, drink it drinks like.
I'd be like because there was a bar up there too, i'd be like i'm gonna go put cherries in my glass and i'd go and i'd be like put ginger ale in this fucking cup.
Do you ever do the Coyote ugly?
I I always where they.
If someone gives you a shot, you and then oh, I have Done that, actually.
I did another movie.
It's a coyote ugly.
Yeah, it's from a movie.
Oh, I just dump it.
Yeah.
I just dump it.
No, because like when you're out and about and you're partying with a bunch of people and they're like, I'm like, no, I can't do it.
No, you have to.
You know what I mean?
And I just take them like, okay.
And then I just fucking dump it out.
On the floor?
Someone's last time.
I mean, yeah.
So much being spilled.
Almost a year ago, probably.
Yeah.
So, okay, so as a one thing I've noticed about strip clubs, like you are.
You say it like you're like you're an alien when it came down to earth.
Okay, so learned about them.
I need to, I need to.
You go like it's an anthropological study.
I can't win around here.
One thing I've learned about my visit to the Serengeti, the strip club.
Okay, go on.
Is that when women are stripping, they are fucking working.
Absolutely.
Which is true.
Like you working underneath.
I'm so happy you clarified.
No, no, but hold on.
But here's the deal.
In the gay strip clubs, sometimes these strippers will stop working and hook up with people in the background.
Does that happen at the as much?
No, definitely not as much.
It's more of a thing where it's like people, I feel like the girls are just like, I'm here to fucking work.
Yeah, exactly.
Every now and then, you know, someone the girl will go, hi, every now and then.
I feel like the girls like have a little too much to drink.
Maybe they're like, oh, he's cute.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I'm like, this is never.
I don't give a fuck.
You could look like Jesus Christ.
Yeah, that's what I was saying.
It doesn't matter.
I don't care.
That's what I was saying.
Guys would be like, like, younger guys would come in.
They would do a dance.
They'd be like, you must be so happy.
It's me and not some old guys.
Yeah.
I got the money.
I don't give a fuck.
That's what I was saying.
Okay, that was my perception because my experiences at gay strip clubs is like when you go back, sometimes when you go back and get a dance, it's like, oh shit.
This whole time I was thinking this is a great experience for the stripper as well.
It turns out it's not.
You're like, wait, I'm not.
They're working.
She's into all the same things I'm in.
Yeah, like, I was really liking it.
She was talking about how hot I am.
What is going on?
All right.
So there's one thing that I want to talk to you about.
And this is always interesting.
I started going to strip clubs with like family and friends pretty young and with older men who taught me the ropes, right?
But a lot of times that I've been to strip clubs with people, it's like their first or second time, and they have no fucking idea.
The etiquette.
So I think we can list off a few strip club etiquette things that people might not.
Maybe you're in the audience and you're thinking about it.
Maybe you're at a strip club right now.
Yeah.
Yes.
Some autistic dude just sweating his ass off.
That's rule one.
Maybe you're on the way to the strip club.
Yeah.
Right.
I mean, it's, and that's like, it's not like necessarily common knowledge.
Some people just really don't know.
So etiquette.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I'd say I can give you a few and you can false or real.
Okay.
Imagine Will's just wrong.
False or real.
Tipping the Dancers00:04:46
If you are sitting in the front row by the stage, by the pole, you have to tip every dance.
That was literally the first one.
That was going to be the first one.
If you're sitting in the front, you have to tip every dance.
If you're at the stage, if you're sitting at the stage and you have a front row view, you like are most clubs like will like the bouncers will be like, hey, buddy.
Like they'll make you if you don't.
If you're sitting at a street street.
I have friends that I've taken to a strip club and they'll sit there.
Yeah.
And they're just happy to be there.
Yeah, they don't get it.
And I'm like, you got to make with the money.
I got another rule.
How much is a normal tip?
Tip a couple bucks.
It just doesn't even matter.
Like just if you're sitting at this, because it's just, it's just like you on the pole, like dancing.
It's not like a private.
It's just like your set of the.
But if you're in front, you got to blow it up.
So like If you're lurking in the back, you can drink $10 a dance.
Well, it's not even a dance.
It's just like, wait, so I say they're like, Avery, next on the stage.
I'm sorry.
The main stage, the pole, whatever, everything.
And there's like around the stage, there's like seats.
But with it throughout the whole club, there's like seats farther back.
There's tables and stuff.
If you're at the stage, yeah, I'd say like $10.
I mean, like, literally.
It doesn't even, I'm like, a couple fucking bugs.
I don't care.
Like, as long as you're not just sitting here, you don't got nothing.
Like, that's the real amazing.
Do you see the people that are just like with $1 every song?
Oh, so stingy with that.
I'm like, if you don't give me that fucking, like, I know, you had a etiquette.
Lay it down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These ladies are working professionals.
Yes.
And you need to respect that when you go there.
Right?
You need to respect that.
Okay.
That's your rule.
What's the etiquette?
The rule is don't touch.
Don't touch.
You just don't touch.
He's gone.
No.
He wanted to just speak.
That's it.
He wanted to just have input.
No.
Sometimes he wants to be included.
I mean, that's a good rule of thumb, too.
Don't touch.
No, I mean, like on the stage and stuff, you kind of should just let people do their own thing, you know?
But I say, yeah.
And another thing, too, I feel like it's kind of a lot of guys will get nervous.
Like if they've never been in the club and a girl comes over and sits and it's obviously trying to like the end goal here is to get them to spend some sort of money.
So you're having a little conversation, whatever.
Some of these guys, like, I don't usually, I'll give a guy 10 to 15 minutes of conversation to decide if they want to do something.
Any more than that, I'm like, I'm out of here.
I'm not sitting here.
But I feel like sometimes guys will almost like allude that they're going to spend money or some kind of a thing.
I'd rather, like, if you're not into me, I'd rather you just be like, hey, thank you so much.
Like, but I'm waiting for someone else or I'm good right now.
Like, just off the bat.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't want to waste your time.
I tried to do that.
I was like, I'm gay.
Some girls get mad at me.
I'm like, oh, thank you.
Thanks for not wasting money.
Yeah, some girls, I don't know.
I feel like it's a thing where some girls are just like, oh, I can't believe you don't like me.
I'm like, I'm not going to rejection.
How do we navigate that situation?
I feel like it's just something where if a girl sits down, you know, you could do the cute, hi, how are you?
How's your night?
Okay, good, good, like, few minutes of conversation.
But I think, you know, you're just like, hey, just, by the way, I'm not, you know, I'm waiting for someone or I'm just not looking to get a dance right now.
Like, thank you so much.
Thank you so much, though.
Yeah.
And some girls will be like, whatever.
But I mean, if it's not the girl, like, then don't even fucking, you're not, you're wasting everyone's time.
Okay, more etiquette because you had a few to ramp rattle off.
Yeah, strip club etiquette.
Usually a girl will indicate what clothing items she wants to be tipped in.
And you should respect that and not try and just jam cash down the front of your pants.
Yeah.
Also, that too.
Have you?
You know this?
You look shocked by this.
No, I mean, yeah.
Yeah, like if a girl's on stage.
I mean, I don't really, I don't really go to the yeah, it's usually the gay strip club.
Yeah, it shouldn't be swipe the credit card.
I mean, yeah, no, but they also do the same thing.
They also swear.
They open up.
Yeah, they're like, here you go.
Yeah, but that's normal.
Like you, you just open it.
They usually open up the article of clothing.
Yeah.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm also one of those people where I'm just like, when I'm on stage, I don't necessarily like to get too close to people anyway.
So you're not even really getting that much of an opportunity.
Like you get a split sec and you might, you might catch me at a good, like, hey, quickly.
Like, but my majority of the time, I'm like, just throw it, bro.
Because like, you know, I just throw it.
Oh, I hate when guys crumple it up into a ball and throw it.
I'm like, oh, that's cool.
That's the worst.
There are guys that crumpled it up and throw it and throw it.
And they literally yell Kobe as they try to get it.
Sometimes they'll do it at you, like near your feet or something.
What if they made a tasteful origami?
See, I have had a cute little like paper airplane situation.
Okay, cute.
I did.
Some of you will do like a heart one.
I'm like, okay.
This one guy did like a house where he like folded them like that.
It's a cute little.
Like, okay, you know, like, it's, I like the creativity.
I respect the creativity.
The house is usually an indication that you want that person to come sit on your head.
Hiring Process Vibe Check00:10:58
Yes.
I did get into a fight with a stripper at the body shop because I had a stack of cash and I wasn't ready to give it up yet.
Oh, my God.
I was too, you know, broke.
No, hang around.
No, I was broke.
No, but I had like $100 in ones.
And I was like, I was trying to spread the wealth around the establishment.
And I was, and she, she grabbed it.
I said, no.
No.
No, I'm gay.
Yeah, but no, they were going for it.
And you know what?
She won.
She got all of it.
Yeah.
It's awkward sometimes.
I could see and I see it happen.
And so many times where, like, oh, a girl just pressures the fuck out of a guy.
And I'm like, that's so, oh.
And I feel like the secondhand embarrassment for them.
I'm like, oh, God, that's, I don't like to work like that.
And I couldn't, I mean, it worked because I was like, oh, dang it.
And I went back to the ATM.
And it works.
It works.
You can't just sit there empty-handed.
I like genuinely feel bad.
I'm like, I don't know.
I don't like to.
Yeah.
All right.
Do you have any other good etiquette that people should know?
I'm trying to think.
Also, the when guys are like, oh, what's your name?
And you say your name.
Well, what's your real name?
Oh, so corny.
Do you guys give them a fake name every time?
Oh, every time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm like, and then they believe it.
So they're like, yeah, sure.
I'm like, what the fuck would it matter?
Yeah, because now they're special because they got your real name.
Yeah, because they, because a lot of people come in with the ego.
They think that they're above everybody else.
They're like, nah, I'm not one of those.
Yeah, she wants to do this.
It's like, I want your, I want to do my job.
I really, yeah.
Yeah.
I just really want to do my job.
And what do you even tell them when they're like, I'm, aren't you happy that I'm not one of those?
Oh, I play along.
Yeah, I say, yeah.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
You're so good.
Such a relief.
And you're so rich.
I have like legit.
I'm like, I don't care what it is.
I like go along with like the most ridiculous shit.
I've told this story before, but there is this guy that came in one time and he respectfully looked like someone who like lived in their mom's basement.
Like, that's just like kind of the vibe that he gave me.
You could like paint the picture.
She could paint the picture in your head.
And so I went up to him.
I'm like, oh, you know, did you want to do a dance?
He's like, yeah, but I want to do some like slight role playing.
I'm like, ooh.
Okay.
I'm like, let's spice it up a bit.
Sure.
What are we talking?
I'm like, all right, what do we?
He's like, I'll tip you though.
I'm like, oh, what do you want, bro?
And he's like, I have magic powers.
Oh, my God.
No.
That's incredible.
He's like, I have magic powers.
And I can make you faint on command.
And I, me being goblet, I'm like, wait, can you?
He was like, you're incredible.
He was like, let's get you the president of the city.
That's a weird magic picture.
That's weird, right?
And then, yeah.
And he was like, Cosby had that power.
That's where I thought it was going to, he was going to try to do some.
I was like, yeah, that's not where I thought it was going to be.
I was like, I don't know.
You know what?
It was like the beginning of the night.
It's like 7 p.m.
I'm like, what do I got to lose at this point?
Fuck it, whatever.
So we go do the dance and he's like, okay.
Is this in the champagne room?
It's like, yeah, and he's like, okay, now.
And I was just like, and then he was just like, wow, you're so good at this.
Like, and he didn't try to do anything weird.
He was just like, he was just like, oh, my God.
And he's like, okay, up.
And I was like, hey, he started like, fucking dancing.
That's funny.
And he was like, wow, you were really good at this.
And I just was like, this is hilarious.
Like, in my mind, that's all he wanted.
That's all he wanted.
That guy was kind of awesome.
Okay, I'm going to be honest.
I think you thwarted a school shooting.
Like, I think, I think he was going to do the deed the next day.
And he was like, actually, women shouldn't be murdered.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They play along with my fantasy.
Yeah, everybody met online wouldn't do it.
And then that's a pretty good fantasy, though.
I think low-key sounds very cute.
Yeah.
I know.
And I've had like some more innocent ones like that.
There was this other guy.
He was a regular of mine.
He would come in all the time, actually.
Older guy, big, like, crazy Einstein hair, like, poofy, like, white hair.
And I don't really get a lot of old.
If you're watching this right now, shout out.
I know.
Hey, was it Bernie Sam?
He was really old.
And I feel like mostly, I don't really have older customers.
It's more like the younger crowd.
I feel like the old guys are kind of scared of me.
So this is like the one guy he was just like, and he was kind of one of, he was like, you are like a goddess.
You remind me of, and it's like all these actual names of goddesses that he was like, oh, and yeah, and I'm like, he was just flexing his Greek mythology.
Yeah, he's actually older, just he was Goodwill Hunting.
Yeah.
He was actually a professor.
He was actually a professor at Boston University.
He would do this thing.
Venus reborn.
Aphrodite, make it clap.
Oh, God.
He would do this thing where he would be like, we're both just two pretty girls.
And I'm like, oh, okay.
Yeah.
The TV is glowing, man.
I don't know.
I was like, okay.
He was like, we're just two pretty girls.
And just walk by me, pretend like we're at the mall and you just like walk by.
And he would just want me to walk back and forth, just back and forth.
What the fuck?
I feel like you're the type of person where anything that cut the boredom, you were like, fuck it.
Exactly.
Anything out of the ordinary that wasn't like weird and like a, you know, I'm like, oh my God, let's, let's have a freaking ball.
Yeah.
It's like improv.
Yeah, it's fun.
My last fun strip club story, and I might have told on the pod.
I don't know if I told you guys, but I used to go to the strip club in North Carolina with my one buddy who'd come for Thanksgiving every year.
And then I spent a few years away from North Carolina.
And then I was there on my own visiting my family.
And I was like, I'm going to go to the strip by myself.
By yourself.
Yeah, by myself.
That's crazy.
I was the only person there.
No.
It was Thanksgiving.
It was late.
I was the only person there.
Probably not a lot of girls working either.
I got two girls working.
And the girl that was on the poll, like, she was like headphones in, greasing the poll, and I was like, damn, she's like really getting ready.
Starts like stretching.
And she started laying down the craziest shit I've ever seen.
I was like, I like, what is happening?
And she's like, oh, I'm only here because I'm getting ready for like pole worlds.
Oh, competition.
She's like, I took third place last year.
She's like, you want to see my routine?
And I was like, yes.
She's like crazy.
That's awesome.
I took out like $500 and I was just like, I love that.
Whiting it out.
I love that.
She did some cert de Soleil shit.
She went to the top just with her legs, fell within an inch of her face.
I was like, it was amazing.
It's fucking unreal.
I don't, I never get tired of that.
I never, like, every time that there's a girl that that's, that, that is that good, I'm like, I'm sitting and watching the whole time.
Like, I never get tired of that.
But it was so interesting.
It was so cool.
Like it, nothing about it was even vaguely erotic, but it was, it was like watching the image.
You're too impressed to be horny.
Exactly.
You're like, that is an impressive feat of physical strength.
That's why I wouldn't even bother with the pole tricks because guys would be like, yeah, it's cool, but it doesn't make me want to like fuck you.
But that's weird.
I violently want to be able to, like, at the next basketball game I went to, next time there's a slam dunk.
I'm just like, yeah.
Throw it off the back.
Fuck.
Like, support your homies.
Yeah, we're going to normalize throwing money at each other.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
What was the hiring process like?
It really depends.
You want to know?
No, no, that's a great question.
That really is.
She's like, just, you know, asking for a friend.
Yeah, cutie's asking for herself.
No, I think I could do some great stuff out there.
Dude, you would fucking care.
No, don't say that.
I'm shy.
The deco deco business is clean.
I can't even tell it.
You don't have to be able to dance.
Oh my God.
You could turn Deco Deco into a strip card.
Neither could I. You have a base card.
No, I can't.
I really can't even.
Really?
You would know.
I'm telling you, some of the girls that I know that made the most fucking money.
But you say you can twerk.
Well yes, but that's not necessarily.
But I feel like a ma because like, if a guy doesn't see you on stage, they don't really know how you dance.
It's more about like the conversation and like, oh yeah, if you are like, you gotta be able to like sell it to them.
Okay, that laugh was I feel like a guy would come up and you'd go, ew well, I mean, that's like some people are into that.
Have to be like some guys, really some people are into that.
I've got a niche yeah, and they and they come in, don't worry, not even submissive, but just straight up want you to like beat the shit out of them too.
Okay, but yeah, the hiring process, oh yeah, have you ever beaten the shit off a car?
Yeah, we punch it out in the dick.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, like Fiona oh, my god, out Fifi.
And I'm like, are you like?
I was like, are you sure?
He was like as hard as you can literally, I mean pants on.
But he, just what did he say when he did it like like he was like in a good kind of pain interesting, guess what?
Again, I'm like, shit fucking, why not?
Yeah so, but the hiring process is really like, I feel like a majority of the time.
Sometimes they won't even make you dance if they'll just look at you and be like yeah, you can work.
And then some clubs are more strict, they'll like make you change and then go like do a stage, set um, but that's.
It's really is extensive, so not a guy in like a gold chain and a what like the manager and shit.
Yeah, usually not like that.
Okay, what's the cut?
What um again, depends on the club, depends on the club.
It's actually the cut out here is so um, at the fully nude clubs out here it's 50, 50.
oh great that is bullshit 50.
it's 50 50.
They need to walk, they need to stage a walkout.
No, they need a super scene they have.
There was a crazy union.
Yeah yeah, i'm not joking.
Yeah no, there is already a stroopers.
Good, then they should walk out and I won't cross the picket.
That's not, that's yeah.
So that's why you know you kind of rely on tips with a lot of like you know as much money like from the actual club.
You're making money out of the tips.
Yeah wait, so they, they take like the cash that you get.
No, so the oh, is it from the laptop rooms and the law dances?
Yeah, they get 50.
But any cash that is just handed to you they don't know about.
Yeah, they can't touch anything on the stage is yours.
Um, but it really depends.
Every club is different.
Some clubs will just take like every 45 dance.
It's a five dollar.
We take five like it's.
It's literally different everywhere.
But trust and believe me, those clubs get their fucking percentage.
I'm from Portland, where we have more strip clubs per capita than anywhere in the world.
Yeah, that also is true.
Yep yep, tons of strip.
Every block.
There's a strip club everywhere you go.
Well what, what made you want to get into it?
Honestly, I didn't even like know I necessarily wanted to dance.
When I first started at the club, I was a massage girl and I like yeah, it's a big thing on the East Coast and like some of the East Coast clubs, where it's just a girl who walks around and like um like, if you're gambling, someone comes yeah, exactly same kind of a thing.
Just like does a little shoulder rub while you're just sitting and hanging out.
I was like okay, like because I was, I went in there, was like do you guys need a waitress?
Or something.
Like I had no intention of dancing when I first started there um, and then when like I feel like I just I mean whatever, like i'd never really been in a strip club, so I just had this like negative, like stigma, I guess, of strip clubs in my head, I was just like I don't want to be a strip.
Portland Strip Club Density00:06:45
No no, no.
And then, once I met the girls, i'm like wait, they're all just fucking normal girls like I don't know.
It also must be like incredibly liberating because i'll say it as a woman like men are looking at you anyway yeah, so make money.
Yeah exactly, literally pain.
And yeah, was it a fully nude?
Sorry, it was, um, i've worked at clubs that were fully nude and topless.
Is that just like?
It's a little?
Yeah, you know what I mean it is.
I mean i'm never like just liberating, be just taking it all off, there's nothing left.
Yeah, you know what I mean it is.
It is kind of okay freeing, because I i've, i've always been super modest myself.
I I can't really get naked in front of people unless, like you know and i've, one time I I had, when we did our photo shoot nearly nude photo shoot, here in the house I was like strutting around, I was like you know what this is, kind of freeing, Kind of freeing, yeah.
I felt free.
Yeah.
So, I don't know.
I just stopped.
Exactly.
I know.
And it's like on your own terms, dude.
Like, who cares?
Yeah, who gives a shit?
Let's hang out.
Yeah, let it all hang out.
It was a lot of that.
It was fun.
I've been doing a lot of that recently.
I have a really good case of summer penis right now.
Really?
Summer penis.
Summer penis.
Talk about it.
Or the temperature is just right.
Oh, and it just kind of hangs.
It looks huge.
Oh, summer penis.
You know how penises work.
They're regulated.
You don't know.
Don't ask her that.
I do.
Yeah, leading question.
Yeah, it was a leading question.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Objection.
Objection.
Oh, my God.
I literally, I thought, sorry about that.
Yeah, but they tend to sag a little bit more when they're heated.
But they do.
They do.
Yeah, they just, they carry a little bit more blood flow.
And what he said is it depends on the cholesterol, too.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Also, there's a condition right now known as Ozempic penis where the schlong gets because people are losing weight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it's an option for me.
No, it's that's insane.
It's like 0.2 inches for every 25 pounds.
Oh, you have it's not an optical illusion.
It's actually growing.
There's dick fat.
Yeah, that is what you would think it was.
But there's dick back there.
Congratulations.
Skinny guys.
So your dick runs into your body, and one of like the penis lengthening surgeries they do is they like snip that part and they let the inner penis come out.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
There's okay for those whatever size you are.
There is no currently there's no successful surgery though.
Don't try it.
There was a lot of penis.
I know a guy.
I know a guy.
Oh, she knows a guy.
I know a guy that lengthened it.
No, that didn't.
What happened?
What happened?
I know a guy that got it.
Did it work?
Does his dick work?
He got, he got a fat.
He got his ass fat in his dick.
He got a fat transfer on the shaft.
Does it look like Shia Lud?
So it's not longer.
It's just fatter.
Okay, does it look like a smartphone?
I genuinely was like, I need to see pictures.
What's the name of the doctor?
No, no.
I thought it was genuinely what it reminded me of.
Shia Haloud.
And he showed me the before and afters.
This is a customer, obviously.
No, it would be this fucking crazy.
Did you see a dance?
I was like, no, a picture.
I was like, I need to see a picture.
I mean, come on.
Yeah.
The after.
Do you remember those toys when we were younger?
The sliders.
The sliders on your pants, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It kind of looked like that.
So it didn't look natural.
No, it just looked like, but the head was still the same size.
It was just like fat.
Like on the shaft.
It was so.
Did he still get hard normal?
Yeah, but I'm like, I couldn't imagine it feels, it probably feels worse because there's just like a layer of fat around it.
Like, literally, like, like those fucking toys.
Like, yeah, feel like it would both feel worse for the person and also would feel weird.
Because dick skin is so thin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Yeah, it looked bizarre.
It looked like Franken Wiener.
It was not.
Oh, gosh.
I didn't like that.
Dabel Wiener.
Yeah.
Interesting.
It was like $25,000, too.
$25,000?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
That's crazy.
Everybody, yeah, penises.
A lot of people don't understand.
Porn has, you know, taken our perspective of penises.
And they've.
Why are they laughing?
I'm always so grateful when you deprogram America's Youth about what penises actually are.
I think we all go through that.
This is a reverse manuscript.
I went through that as a man.
I was like, oh, I don't think I'm.
I don't think I'm good enough.
And then I went out into the wild and I was like, you know what?
I'm bigger than most people.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So I feel like a lot of guys.
Yeah, but I'm not.
You just made all the small people feel really bad.
No, no.
That was kind of reverse.
I'm sorry to those that aren't bigger than most people.
And you know what?
That's okay.
Because it really doesn't matter how big it is.
Ladies?
It's the OG, right?
It's the one.
It's not the wizard.
Or wait, so is there actually?
I mean, this genuinely.
I've never heard that.
The people that care about penis sizes are other men, straight men in particular.
Yeah.
Like, more straight men talk about penis sizes than women do, right?
I agree.
Yeah, I don't think we really talk about that.
You don't talk about it.
You don't care about it.
Men, straight men are the ones that talk about it.
Yeah.
Unless it's exceptional.
Unless it's exactly.
See, look at this.
Exceptionally big.
Look at these guys.
Both of them.
Not even exceptionally big.
Just like exceptional.
Both of them.
That's why he's in healthy two.
Genuinely.
It's like a couple of horses over there.
Yeah.
Well, honestly, have you guys seen each other's cops?
They have shown each other their penis, and they've been trying to see mine for years.
We almost saw it.
Yeah, he showed it to me in Amsterdam.
He's like, you want to see it?
I'm like, sure.
We almost saw his penis in an Austin experience that he ducked the entire class.
They've been trying to see this.
Because I have this theory that I feel like your best friends.
Yeah.
No, I agree.
It's a level of penis.
You have to see it.
Join us.
She's with us.
Austin, don't even have to.
I try to hold our hand.
Don't even try to be shy.
Me too.
I'm shy.
Cutie and I don't want to show our private parties.
That's okay.
But like, have you gone to Wii Spa?
Yeah.
Oh, and you've been naked with your friends?
Yeah.
I can't be naked.
And that's the, I made, I literally made a TikTok about the other day.
I was like, now that people recognize me, I can't go to fucking Wii Spa anymore.
I can't.
God forbid it.
God forbid.
Ah!
Wants to fucking see.
Didn't you say Ludwig got recognized there?
Ludwig goes there.
I love We.
I love a Korean bath.
I don't know what's going on.
A little scrubbed down.
Yeah.
A little scrubbed down.
I mean, I don't give a fuck.
I'll still go.
See, really?
Yeah.
If you ever, if you ever get, if you ever get the, you know, what if my vagina's weird?
And I don't know.
No, but even then, it's like, what are they going to go under the undercarriage?
Like, no one's fucking really looking that hard.
You've never shown your vagina to another woman.
Another woman's never seen your.
No.
Pregnancy Fanfiction Talk00:04:45
Really?
Yes, really?
That's crazy.
Another woman's never even seen my boobs.
Really?
Wait, Kiki, I love that.
I'm shy, too.
I'm used to behind the paywall.
Cutie is going to show you.
Pussy and vagina.
That's real.
That's real.
Because that's healing.
That's healing.
Yeah.
I could never change.
She was in a sugar room.
She's seen Time.
But I've seen every aura fish.
Okay.
Literally.
Like, girls will literally see.
They're like, is my tampon hanging out?
I'm like, let me check.
Like, she's an expert.
She's so normal.
Okay.
When I'm ready to get naked, I'll do it with you.
Yeah.
Okay, perfect.
I don't know what we'll do.
I used to change something in the locker room with a lot of people.
I used to watch Netflix.
Those are the people they'd bully.
Me.
I used to change in the corner in the locker room.
I was embarrassed.
Yeah, see, me too.
They would bully me.
You mentioned something earlier I want to revisit because every week I do a segment.
It's called America Me Up, where I kind of keep these guys in touch with what's happening in our great country.
And you mentioned you have a friend that's writing fanfics.
Yes.
Okay.
Gabe Q, Abraham Lincoln, Fathers of the Pending, The Independence, America Me Up.
Okay, and now.
Dildo.
Have you heard of America's new favorite author, Kwan Mills?
Oh, dude.
I was going to bring that up because my friend writes fanfiction.
I was going to bring him up.
I was like, that's a little bit.
Marshall, would you please, would you please bring up the TikTok?
Who is this?
The literal, the author of our generation.
Like, he is.
It's unreal.
Never has an author so perfectly encapsulated the zeitgeist, the innermost desires and feelings of a generation as Quan Mills has.
What is it?
Well, Kwan Mills is the most prolific best-selling author.
I love writing.
Now, take a look at some of these titles.
Please go to I Got My Alien Homeboys from Another Planet at Pregnant.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Play that and listen to this description.
International best-selling author Kwan Mills.
And I'm back again with a story that is out of this world.
Listen to this.
I got both my alien homeboys from another galaxy pregnant.
Is he excited about it?
Omegaverse, sci-fi.
I have to read this.
This is mystique.
Now I know what you're thinking.
Yeah.
Kwan Mills, you are losing your fucking mind.
How is it?
While that might be true to some extent, I need to explain to you all how this young brother named Lamar will get both and that's the name of the alien.
The alien names.
Yeah.
See, in this particular alternate universe, different alien species coexist with human beings.
Can we look at some of the other titles as well, please?
Just a few samplings.
If you see anyone that you like, I think my favorite was Damn, This Bitch Got Roaches.
Roaches in Her Crib.
That's a fan favorite.
Most successful books for sure.
Scroll down and see if.
A snow bunny succubus got me pregnant.
Yes.
He's been into the pregnancy thing.
Come on.
Yeah.
Look, these are all pregnant, pregnant.
Wow.
Seduced by the ghetto.
Wait, go up.
Wait, go up one more.
Seduced by the ghetto grape drink goblin.
Pregnant by a dope boy named Drecula.
Yeah.
Pregnant by a hood alien.
Yes.
Pregnant by the.
It's all pregnancy.
He wasn't this side pregnant.
Yeah, no, he wasn't.
Old Thought Next Door, that's a good series as well.
Old Thought Next Door is where he really started to find his voice.
Okay.
Agreed.
Let me see.
My friend has like...
I'm so happy you're a boy.
No, my friend Suki has like seven of his books on her.
Oh, these are that's the other thing.
Like for those of you at home, if you think that it's not real, like he actually writes these books.
And I have a friend who at least read the damn this bitch got roaches in her crib.
Christian Devine shouts out.
And he did not like the book.
He did not like it.
He did not like the actual.
I don't think anyone has actually read his books.
They just kind of read the title and go, wow, he done did it again.
Yeah, my baby daddy is a bag bug.
Not one of his best works, I'll say.
Yeah, that's what the fuck is this?
Austin, just explain how you're feeling right now.
Yeah.
Like, I feel like I'm in a fever dream.
Right.
But that's like, I don't even know.
I didn't even know what to think of this.
Okay.
Do you know what to think of this?
I think he's very creative.
Reading Christian Devine Books00:05:15
Judy has not appeared with any of our black guests on the podcast.
That's crazy thing to say.
I'm not racist.
Just gonna put that out there before you hear.
He's doing that because of the fap top.
You're lashing out.
I'm just saying.
Okay.
I'm just saying she did not appear on purpose on numerous.
He takes what?
Finestra.
I say that openly.
Why would I?
Male pattern baldness.
Yeah, it's a drug that blocks DHD.
The reason he doesn't look.
Well, you never started losing hair, right?
You just look at his erection.
It's so funny because all three of her male podcast co-hosts are not a good idea.
I know, but it's different.
I just wanted to call you out.
And also, I'm not embarrassed by it.
I openly talk about it.
And Rogan, I do Rogan, too.
He likes it, though.
Yeah.
And he's had a foot job before and he talks about how many favorite things.
I don't know.
That's everything.
He told me about it.
This is about you.
Oh, she's just a bad person.
And his car smells like farts.
Oh, Jack Walters.
I thought you did say that.
She's in the past.
He calls anal sex poop fracking.
Yeah.
I did say that.
That part is true.
I know you fart on planes.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh, I do.
I do.
And I stand by that decision.
Also, maybe this is a good parallel to talk about a personal experience.
Oh, no.
The Department of Homeland Security revoked my global entry pass.
Yeah.
Not because I fart on planes.
Yeah.
But you might think that.
And I don't know if that's the reason why they revoke my global entry clearance as a known traveler because they didn't tell me why they did it.
They're allowed to just do it without a reason?
Like without?
Well, the reason that they gave me was they gave you several.
No, Those are boilerplates.
They gave boilerplate reasons for why it might have happened.
Reasons such as supporting terrorist groups and things of that nature.
But they didn't say in the actual one, it says, we regret to inform you that your membership in global entry has been revoked for the following reason, in parentheses, S.
And there's a big space there.
And he goes, you do not meet program eligibility requirements.
Yeah.
Which is weird.
That's broad.
That's a big canopy.
Yeah.
That's kind of like very, very broad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They did not give me any real information as to why this happened.
I think it's the farting.
Yeah, do you?
So, yeah.
You told too many people about it.
Or the fact that you never freaking used it.
Well, I used it one time and I got detained by Customs and Border Patrol.
The first time I used it, they were like, nope.
Yeah.
They were like, oh, you wanted to expedite it?
You wanted to get into the country expedited?
Nope.
Sorry.
Did anybody else prepare a segment for this week?
I brought mine.
She's moving.
Oh.
I always have girly popping it.
It was my Joey Mills story.
We are at time.
Oh, wait.
Can I see what QD brought, though?
Can we just.
Yeah, let's do it behind the paywall.
Let me see what it is.
Tease it.
Hold up, ready?
Girly pop.
Stop.
Girly pop.
I thought we changed it.
We did change it, but he won't let it go.
No.
He needs the Frankie Dallas.
Thank you.
You really hit that.
Thank you.
Oh, it's one.
He didn't even do the popularity.
Sorry, my voice.
I don't know if you guys will be necessarily interested, but it's important that we talk about it.
Taylor Swift get her masters back.
And we do have to.
I said, wait, what happened?
Yes, yes, yes.
She got her master's record.
Are we doing this behind the paywall?
Are we doing that?
We have recordings of her songs.
What is master recording?
Oh, I'll teach you.
I thought she was going to get her master records.
On that note, Vanilla Mace, thank you so much for coming on.
Are we doing it behind the paywall?
Yes.
Okay.
Vanilla Mace, thank you so much for coming on.
Thank you.
We need to do this with all of our guests before he does that.
Which one of us did you like the best?
Oh, we don't.
Don't put me on this one.
We don't do it.
We're all going to close our eyes.
We're all going to close our eyes and you just point.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
Close your eyes.
And we'll find out next week.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye now.
Goodbye, y'all.
Check out Vanilla Maze on Twitch, YouTube, and TikTok.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on.
It's not goodbye.
I was going to ask, well, where can people find you, Vanilla Mays?
TikTok, YouTube, Twitch, Vanilla Mace.
Okay, 99.
Can we do a Pop Mark trip and fuck some shit?
I'm a celebrity in that bitch.
I let Pop Mark go.
I blow that shit up.
Yes.
I want to go through the crash course.
We're going to give you the whole way.
Drop a rack or two and just fuck it up.
Easy.
All right.
Well, he's got a feeling.
All right.
Cutie's showing her booze behind the paywall.
Yeah.
Let's see those knockers.
Craziest story.
I was talking to my dad while I was driving up from San Diego.
Never heard this in my life.
I know my dad was best friends with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.