Austin and Will navigate housing failures, religious family dynamics, and a raccoon with meth pipes before debating the necessity of children against exhaustion. They explore Pop Mart exclusivity, a Dodgers game scam involving stolen charms, and partner Ludwig's desire for kids versus their own reluctance to be defined as parents. Ultimately, the episode highlights the chaotic tension between societal pressure to reproduce and the hosts' preference for raising nieces and nephews while avoiding traditional motherhood roles. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Moving In With My Agent00:12:46
They thought we were just shysty people because I was called behind the agent.
No, they correctly knew that you were a shy person.
No, they got me.
They got me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Patreon episode where we are actually doing a little what they call in the biz movie magic, right?
That's right.
That's right.
We're recording before the episode.
And I'm AI.
That's right.
I'm not actually here.
Will's fake.
That's right.
That's right.
We superimposed him in.
He's actually live right now on Twitch.
That's right.
Anyway, we're recording a brief period of the Patreon where we wait for Cutie Cinderella to arrive.
Somebody.
By the way, by the way, had to go watch the fucking Dawyers.
Can I say something?
This bitch.
Oh, this bitch right here.
You mean the one sitting right here?
How long have I been trying to get through miserable, joyless fucks?
You know, I said I was down last.
Hold on.
Let me correct you.
I'm not a miserable, joyless fuck.
I just live in a different part of the country.
I just live a miserable, joyless life.
Yeah.
I live in a miserable, joyless place.
I'm a miserable, joyless fuck in Portland.
That's very different.
A beautiful city.
Yeah.
I'm starting to realize, you know, I started to realize something about Portland.
I don't have any friends.
I started like, I just, I just don't have any friends, dude.
I pulled out of my driveway the other day.
I looked around.
I was like, oh my God.
I'm surrounded by nobody.
Austin.
We know.
When you tell us that you keep talking to the barista at the coffee bean, we know, dude.
After the fourth time, we were like, it's no longer a cry for help.
I think he's just completely oblivious.
I was sitting there alone in my house.
I was like, wow, this place is awesome.
But God, there's nobody here.
Yeah.
You know?
If only you could live in a heavily populated, dense, urban landscape.
I'm trying.
This real estate market is out of control.
The rental market.
What they want for a fireplace in your bedroom these days is outrageous.
It's highway robbery.
It's unbelievable.
The prices are crazy.
They list it.
I'm going to get Frostbite jumping out of my shower.
Remember how?
Exactly.
Exactly.
You know how it is.
I know.
See, this guy gets it because he's got a fireplace in his bathroom.
I live in both worlds.
Exactly.
No, you don't?
Well, you need one.
I tell you, you can get one.
Anyway, we're going to...
Yes, it's fucking, you know how those cold.
It's just two months that get a little.
Yes, exactly.
It's not that far place.
Very, very cold.
But you know how you told me you're like, Austin, you're not going to be able to negotiate rent down, right?
You've been negotiating.
I have.
Yeah, I've been negotiating to no success.
Nobody's taking shit.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
I got angry.
To no success.
You're lying.
You're doing it.
You're sport fucking.
Yeah.
Negotiate people down.
That's true.
I've been successful in a couple places that I don't actually want because the location's off, but I said I'm too deep into this.
I'm going to negotiate.
Negotiate it down.
It's a flirt.
I know.
It's a goddamn real estate.
The problem is it's not working for the places that I fucking want.
Because you're fucking, you're batting with the little leagues.
And then when you go into the fucking MLB, you're used to swinging for the fences.
Yeah.
You need to tune it up.
I know.
You need to actually start negotiating for places you do want.
It's frustrating for me.
It's frequently, maybe places that you're kind of iffy on.
Yeah.
Well, I have an agent now.
Okay.
And the agent is frustrating because I want to talk to the guy.
I want to do the negotiating.
You know what I mean?
I want to talk directly to the guy.
And so the you're the guy in a fraternity that goes to a bar and just seduces women just to do it.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did that.
He's gay.
I went to sleep.
But not even to sleep with him.
Just to go in and be like, hey, for sport?
For sport.
I've done that.
I did that.
He caused that right now.
I did it in college.
I walked a girl home and then I sent her on her way.
At a certain point, you're going to move to LA and I know what's going to happen.
You're going to turn to us and be like, I should have done this years ago.
And we're both going to crash out.
Yeah, I know.
That's what's going to happen.
But anyway, funny thing happened.
My agent was negotiating a deal with a guy.
Okay.
And I was like, let me get in there.
Yes.
So what I did was, is I called posing as another person.
Okay, so this was the deal.
Wait, wait.
All right.
So here's the deal.
Here's the deal.
Pause the app.
All right.
Pause the fucking story.
Yeah.
You deceived your own agent.
No, no, no.
Hear me out.
So the agent told me that there was another person that was offering a price on the property.
This property had been sitting for like 60 days.
So I wasn't buying it.
I was like, there's no way there's another offer.
This is just a ploy.
So I knight.
Yeah, this is a ploy to get the price up.
So this is what I did.
I was like, I'm going to call faking as another interested buyer.
Right?
You didn't happen to do a voice to disguise yourself.
No, Because it didn't matter because he never heard me before.
That'd be crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You went straight to the source.
Went straight to the source.
So I was like, hey, I'm calling about your property on such and such.
And anyway, come to find out the guy was telling the truth and there was another interested buyer.
You're so.
But anyway, so I was like, okay, not to ruffle any feathers.
I'm going to say I'm not interested.
Okay.
Because then I'll let my agent take it and we can negotiate from there and I'll act like I'm another person.
I hope the guy was like some random dude with a very raspy voice that kept saying he has a polyp.
No.
Called up.
No.
And then only to handle it.
This is the funny part.
I don't know how.
Yeah.
But my agent gets a text from the guy saying, hey, do you have a, is your client Austin show?
No.
Because he just called us and said he wasn't interested in the property.
So we don't want to waste your time.
And I'm like, how the fuck did they know?
They caught you.
Yeah.
Because I couldn't help.
I got all chatty.
I said, I'm a gay guy.
I got this guy moving in with me.
And I fucking blew it.
I fucking blew it.
And we lost the house.
We lost the fucking house because they thought we were.
You already said you weren't interested.
No, no, no.
The fake guy wasn't interested.
But the whole process, basically what ended up happening is the whole process, they thought we were just shysty people because I was called behind the agent.
No, they did correctly.
They correctly knew that you were a shy person.
No, they got me.
They got me.
And anyway, and so they went with another buyer because they liked the profile of the buyer better.
That's why.
You are like.
Okay, so just to my credit, remember when you said you'd be able to negotiate?
Yes.
Yes.
The problem is the agent got in the fucking way.
Okay.
I would have been able to do it on my own if the agent wasn't in my way.
Okay.
No.
You couldn't.
We could have to have a fucking intervention for you.
I can't help it.
This is two and a half years.
I know.
I'm trying my best.
No, you're not.
I'm trying my best.
You're not.
You're trying your worst.
You're going to move directly into a retirement home in Lawson.
You're going to move into Shady Acres.
I know.
I'm trying my best.
I'm trying to get in.
I just, I don't understand.
I love it though, because you create these problems and then you're tortured by them.
I know.
You have created.
I'm trying.
You outbid yourself on the ball.
I know.
I know.
We might use this as the main episode.
This is fucking incredible.
It's so funny.
Silly.
You know what, though?
Do you make my life better?
Because I think I like people that real enjoyment out of life.
Not this fucking guy.
At least you enjoy it.
No, he's neurotic the whole way, though.
But he loves the subterfuge.
Like a serial killer, I know when he was giving details, he was getting off on how close he could get.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I might be an entertainer.
I might not be.
Yeah.
Dude, it's just.
I was really having a good time with it.
I don't understand how you have gotten as far in life as you have.
No, that's exactly it.
I'm a hell of a negotiator.
He's got a real panache for it.
Hell yeah.
Tenacity.
I'm a great negotiator.
This is such a basic thing.
Just like renting a house.
Millions of people.
I know, but there's no, he's made it fun.
I'm very particular about what I want.
You failed spectacularly.
I'm so particular about what I want.
That's the issue.
Of your two older brothers, I am giving you the go-ahead to keep doing what you want to do.
He's disappointed.
No, locked in, man.
He's always disappointed if he's.
He's got a fucking agent do his job.
Yeah.
I'm proud of my little game.
Thank you.
No matter what it is.
Thank you, Will.
Thank you, Will.
No.
But rent a fucking game.
I know.
This is what we fought for as gay men.
This is gay civil rights are here.
Look at that.
You are rolling back gay rights every time you do shit like this.
People watch the show and go, damn, like, gay people are mischievous.
Yeah, no, we are.
We are very mischievous.
We're whimsical people.
I mean, that's good stuff.
No, it is.
I mean, you know, I'll get a place here soon.
I keep, you know.
No, you won't.
Well, the problem is.
The problem is, is I keep looking at these places and it started out with a nice, you know, townhome, a little apartment, you know, something like that.
And then I started seeing these houses with pools and hot tubs and guest houses.
Hellipad.
Yeah.
You don't understand.
Rooftop.
You're not going to.
Rooftop bars.
Bro, I have a pool.
I barely use it.
See, but I don't know.
I just want to say that.
He wants it for the men.
Yes.
For the bull.
Think about it.
Hassan.
Like, think about it.
I am thinking about it.
Gay night out.
I'm not thinking about it.
Gay night out, right?
Uh-huh.
You know what I mean?
We have a nice party.
I'm not thinking about it.
He was fixing his hair on his camera.
I'm not even fixing it.
It's just, I gave up.
So, after party, pool, hot tub.
What's better than that?
Austin is going to be...
Was that you or her?
It was me.
Oh.
Austin's going to be complaining about the fucking electricity bill.
He's like, oh, the pool's heated.
How much are utilities around here?
A heated pool is hundreds of dollars a month.
No fucking way.
Can't we just turn.
Wait, come on.
Hold on.
Here, here we go.
You can just turn it.
We have a freezing, hot, cold, heated pool.
Wait.
The twins are going to expire.
Why don't we just have a, why don't, that's why I have a hot tub.
Why do I need a heated pool?
I mean, that also is expensive.
Okay, can I just turn the heat on the pool when I want it to be heated up?
It takes a few hours.
Okay.
So that's when I'm ready.
Before I go out.
No, you're going to forget to turn it off after you turn it on.
That's what I'm saying.
Do you have a heated pool?
Yes.
How much is your electricity?
I don't fucking know.
Damn it.
Neither do I. I'm never in the pool.
The pool could be heated right now from the last time my mom used it because that's she loves.
She's a diva.
See?
Yes.
Your mom's a diva.
That's why we get along so.
She turns on the heat of the pool.
She goes in the pool.
She swims a little bit.
Then she forgets the pool is on.
That's my topic later.
I like that your mom comes and stretches out.
She comes to your house to party.
See, your parents come to your house and they enjoy the amenities.
You know what I mean?
They fucking enjoy the amenities.
That's why I got them.
Not for a bunch of fucking street twinks.
That's what, well, I mean, that's why we can't live together, Hassan.
Let the man enjoy his twinks.
Yeah, let me enjoy them.
Let me enjoy them.
Let me enjoy my twinks, Hassan.
Just because you hung up the story.
Just because you can't enjoy a twink like I can.
More Than Just Penis Size00:06:08
That's right.
You know?
I wish.
I wish I could enjoy a twink.
You wish?
Yeah.
Why?
I don't know.
Tell me why.
I just wanted to say that.
That's going to go viral.
You know that?
Probably not.
What is going on with Kaya?
It's shedding season.
It's shedding season?
Yeah.
I'm wearing an extra sweater.
Twice a year, she sheds quite a bit.
Can we shave her?
No.
Absolutely not.
Sorry.
She has two different kinds of coats.
Farley gets shaven.
Farley does get shaven.
Oh, really?
He's a little Duke.
He's a little prince.
Yeah, he is.
I thought it's not good.
He's so gay.
He's super gay.
Farley's super gay.
Yeah.
I thought it's not good to shave the dogs because the temperature regulation is conducted by the fur.
And if you actually shave the dog, then they don't regulate temperature.
I guess that's true.
75 incendiary.
You ever fucking know?
No, even for the warmth.
That's what I've heard.
Gabe, pull it up.
What the fuck is he going to pull up?
Dogs get cold.
No, is shaving a dog good?
Yes, shaving a dog can be problematic, especially for certain breeds and under specific circumstances.
Shaving removes the dog's ability, the dog's natural insulation, and sun protection, potentially leading to sunburn, overheating, and other issues.
It can also disrupt the natural shedding process and coat growth and may even damage hair follicles.
Wow.
Okay.
I have a double-coated dog, which is why I can't do a double shape.
I have a double-coated dog.
Yeah.
You got a big ass dog.
You got a big ass.
Yeah, I do have a big ass dog.
What else is going on?
We have been watching basketball.
This is so weird because we have to kind of like pre-load the...
That's why I went basketball.
Have you guys been watching the Knicks?
I sat next to a defense contractor today on the plane and he was watching the basketball game and drinking heavily.
Bro, every story has to go back to airplane.
I thought I could give an airplane story.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, speaking of the Knicks, did you see Timothy Chalamet?
Yes, I did.
Have you seen it?
Uh-uh, Charlie's.
Yes, he's a basketball boyfriend.
Timothy Chalamet is redefying Ng Aura at the Knicks game.
He's wearing a classic dead ass fit with two Kardashians on either side of him.
Go to images.
Go to images.
Stud.
Fucking stud.
Absolute stud.
Oh, all the way to the right, to the right, to the right.
To the left, to the left, the one with Tim's.
Yes.
Look at that fit, dude.
No.
No.
It's funny.
They don't show his Tims.
They miss the whole story.
It's ours.
Oh, my God.
Look at the way she's looking.
There it is.
Look at that.
Yeah.
She is in love with him, which is crazy.
We are.
I wonder how fat his penis is.
Okay.
That's crazy.
You know what?
You know what, Hassan?
I was thinking the same thing.
He's got to both of you.
Maybe a man is more than the measure of his penis.
Nah, he's got a fat one.
Okay.
Well, that's.
He's got fat cock energy.
Yeah.
Skinny guy with a big penis energy.
As a man with a fat cock, you do a fat cock.
I'm just my fat cock.
Well, yeah, you definitely are more than you're a fat cock.
Don't just reduce me to a fat cock.
I think you are who you are because of your fat cock.
Okay, that's an interesting theory.
Speak on that.
Well, I think that when you came out of theory.
When you came, when you came.
You're regurgitating his theory back then.
Hold on.
Let me cook.
Go ahead.
Let me cook.
I believe that when you entered into mandem and you became a man, manhood.
When you entered into mandum.
Mandem.
Yeah.
Mandem.
When you became a proper blog, yeah.
When you became a man, I think you looked between your legs and you stared at your penis and you said, wow.
Yeah.
This is my destiny.
Okay, this is Will's theory, but gay.
I don't know how you made it gay, but can I tell you guys when I went back to Princeton, I had dinner with all of my like parents of friends and family friends and we all got together in a restaurant.
And you just whipped your dicks.
No, there's like 15 of us.
And one of my friends reminded me, he was like, do you remember when we were 14 and all the girls in sixth grade made you pull your penis out on a trampoline in the backyard because they wanted to see it?
Yes, I do.
Wait.
Wait, tell us that story.
Yeah, I got goaded into whipping my hog out in the sixth grade by like four different girls because they were like, we hear you have a big wiener.
We want to see it.
And you're like, yeah, okay.
And so you did.
Yeah.
What was the reaction?
You know what I did?
What?
I bartered.
Okay.
I got to see three titties.
That's what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm saying?
That's what I'm talking about.
Step aside.
Yeah.
And then a penis.
I'll be honest.
I think that's the market rate for a chain of penis.
I think that's the market.
He's going to deal Israel Palestine.
I had forgot all about that, though.
So my buddy, who is now in his 30s, reminded me of it.
And I was like, holy shit, bro.
That's crazy.
All right.
Is that going back to Timothy Chalamer?
Yeah, sure.
Whatever.
We were just having fun over here.
I'm going to stay on topic.
All right.
Because I want to talk about.
I want to talk about it.
So three sets of tits to a penis.
Three tits.
It was one full set.
Oh, wait, wait.
She had three tits?
No.
It was one girl's full knockers and then a sneaky side tit.
Well, I don't know if that's worth it.
What?
Out of the deal.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Who just shows one tit?
We were in sixth grade.
Oh, okay.
Put that aside for a second.
But put that aside for a second, all right?
If a girl flashes, flashing just one tit, the other one looks the same, right?
You never know.
You never know.
You know, I don't know.
There's a lot of like mismatched titties.
Yeah.
Three Tits To A Penis00:02:40
Oh, okay.
I mean, do you think women look at, I need to ask a girl that when Cutie gets here, I'm going to ask her.
Cutie, tell us about your lopsides.
I'm going to ask her if she feels insecure about one tit over the other.
The answer is yes.
Do you think she likes one tit over the other?
She's already neurotic.
I got a dominant testie.
Uh-oh.
Kaya, who are you bargaining?
Speak of the devil.
That's crazy.
Did they win?
Did he hit a home run?
Uh-uh.
Do you know that you're a fraudulent bitch because I've been trying to get you to a Dodgers game for the better part of the entire year?
Jenny Cinderella's here, so we're going to start the, we're going to go, we're going to stop recording this, and then we're going to go.
No, I think we should just do this.
Tennis.
What?
I think we should swap this to the main.
This was a good episode.
Okay, I guess.
How long have we been filming for?
Especially because I want to see.
Oh, 20 minutes.
Yeah, we'll just make this the fucking main episode.
I want to see where I said this is the Patreon.
Hey, Will, I'm kind of a nerd, and I also want to go see the game.
Oh, then you need Seat Geek.
Wow.
That's right, Austin Show.
If you want to go see the big game, use SeatGeek because SeatGeek is the best place to buy tickets to any event you're looking to go to.
With over 28 million downloads, SeatGeek is the number one rated ticketing app.
Really?
That's right.
And to celebrate the new year, SeatGeek gave me a special hookup where anyone can use our code.
That's Fear 10 for 10% off their next purchase on SeatGeek.
Also says here that every ticket is backed by their buyer guarantee.
Oh, that's correct.
Whoa.
That's incredible.
So what are you waiting for?
Take out your phone right now.
Open the SeatGeek app and add code Fear10 to your account to make sure you get 10% off your next set of tickets.
That's Fear and Fuck.
That's code Fear10 for 10% off any tickets on SeatGeek.
Just click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later.
Thank you, SeatGeek.
Let me record a new intro real quick.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Fear and Podcast where QT is going to disappear for 20 minutes and we're going to come back to this moment right here and continue with our fabulous episode.
We're going to leave this in order.
What?
I like that.
It's very meta.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Just leave it where it's at.
Fuck it.
It was a cutie.
It was a good intro, though.
It was a great intro.
Are you drunk?
Oh, you didn't do the nine.
Meth Pipe And Crystal Meth00:06:32
Okay.
After my boxing match, can we go to a Dodgers game and do the 999 finally?
I can't eat night hot dogs.
Do you want to scoot in it closer to me?
No.
No.
Why don't you ask me that?
I like your jacket.
It's Ludwigs.
Oh, it's Ludwigs?
Yeah.
Bro, you literally, you turned up the gay the moment that she arrived.
That's crazy.
Was he being sick?
I was actually just being Metro Politics.
I was talking about boobs before you got here.
He was high-fiving Will about seeing Titties like going, hell yeah.
I'm not even kidding.
How come when I'm not here, all you guys do is talk about boobs?
We have never literally talking about your tits.
We were not doing that.
No, that's crazy.
Ask the question.
No.
Are you ready for B?
Okay, well, yes, I know that.
I wish I was C.
I got you a gift.
Awesome.
Ask the question.
I was talking about, because Will was talking about a girl showing him one boob.
And I said, why wouldn't we just show both?
I was in sixth grade.
Ask the question directly.
It doesn't matter.
That was just a nipple.
So, my point.
Cutie, are your boobs lopsided?
Oh, no, no, that wasn't the question.
My boobs are named Master Chief and Arbiter.
That's awesome.
Okay, so are you insecure about one boob over the other?
Do you have a good boob?
No.
But women do.
I have an ex-boyfriend that told me he was like, maybe boys just say this to all girls, but he was like, your boobs are the perfect size because they fit perfectly in my hands.
And now he's like married to a woman with like double D's.
So I feel like he was a liar.
What if his hands grew?
I don't think that happens.
It happens.
Really?
Why are you defending him?
I'm just trying to be my friend.
I'm going to be real as a man who likes pendulous breasts.
I don't care how big my hand is.
Yeah.
My eyes are mailed to me.
Yeah, so you're telling me upgraded.
Is that what you're telling me?
No.
Maybe he wants.
I'm rich and famous.
Did you enjoy the Dodgers game?
No.
It's so long.
Cold.
Maybe he wanted to.
I didn't expect you to.
But they were soggy and cold.
Oh, that's sad.
I don't really like Dodgers.
I don't really like.
No, sorry.
I like the Dodgers.
Sure.
I don't really like baseball.
I don't either.
I think next time, I think we need to get box seats.
That'll be fun.
I don't even like that.
No, because it's further away.
It's better on the ground because then you can maybe catch a ball.
I don't want to catch a ball.
Why?
Because I won't catch it.
It would be embarrassing.
By the way, speaking of America's pastime, I haven't done one in a while.
It's time for an America me up.
So let's go ahead and pull up that video that I told you about firsthand.
You know the one I'm talking about.
All right.
So, ladies and gentlemen, this week, I've been saying it.
Raccoon stocks have been absolutely going through the fucking roof.
Stop looking at that.
Look at me.
I don't want to.
I'm excited.
Don't jump the lead.
Okay.
And I've been saying that raccoons are just a few short years from being a household pet.
Unfortunately.
Unfortunately, that theory was put in a blender this week when a raccoon was found committing a heinous crime.
Go ahead, Gabe.
Pull this up.
Grabbed another pipe.
Oh, there's no way.
He's the amphetamine.
The raccoon has a officers for what they found during this traffic stop on Monday.
How are you?
So the reason I stopped you is you are suspended with a warrant for your arrest.
I am.
Well, speaking with the driver, 55-year-old Victoria Vidal Page of Akron, about an active warrant for her arrest and her suspended driver's license, a patrolman noticed something unusual in the passenger seat of her SUV.
A raccoon holding a pipe allegedly used to smoke crystal methamphetamine.
As what?
Oh my God.
Her meth pipe.
He's playing with a meth pipe right now.
No, don't reach for it.
That's evidence now.
After Victoria Vidal Page was arrested on the outstanding warrant, her mother told the officers that the raccoon is their pet and his name is Chewy.
When the officer took the pipe away from Chewie, the pet grabbed another pipe.
Oh, there's so he's a narcissist.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
All right, enough fun in games.
Based on the evidence provided by Chewy, the officers searched the SUV and found a bag containing seven smaller bags of crystal meth, crack cocaine, and three used meth pipes.
Sadly, investigators say it appears Chewie the raccoon had chewed holes in the bags.
So please.
Oh my God.
So right now, if you haven't been tracking, the stand-in theory is that Chewie the raccoon is hopelessly addicted to.
Oh no.
And not only smokes it, but eats it.
Do you think this is a good defense in court?
She can say it was his as her attorney.
Yeah, that guy.
My client is innocent.
Yeah.
My client is a victim of circumstance.
She found Cracky the raccoon.
Yeah, his name is Chewy.
No.
Well, that's his street name is Kracky.
Okay.
It's important.
It's pertinent for the story.
This is evidence.
She was actually rehabilitating Kracky.
She saved him from a life of crystal meth.
And she's just slowly weaning him off of the crack.
But he's a little, he's a go-getter.
You know how raccoons are.
I mean, he's got opposable thumbs.
Yeah.
I'm nervous.
Are they going to euthanize him?
I think he euthanized himself by eating crack.
Will you adopt him, please?
We want me to adopt a crystal method.
And rehab him.
If you actually get a cigarette.
What are you about?
That's stuff about crystal meth.
Take him to EDC, do the shrooms, and be a shaman.
That's it.
Okay, well, I bet he would be funny until he ate my fucking face.
He's literally like the Guardians of the Galaxy character.
Yeah, this is Rocket Raccoon.
Yeah.
I mean, look at him.
He's literally looking up like he knows what the fuck.
He's literally a raccoon.
Look at his eyes.
Cracky knows he's busting.
He's a bit of a snark.
But ladies and gentlemen, it's a sad day for raccoons because obviously their stock was rising and now it's plummeting.
Do you think it's plummeting?
More like it's skyrocketing.
Now I want a fucking raccoon.
Diet Coke Tradition For Moms00:15:05
Wow.
Okay.
Do you think that they let him back out in the wild?
I don't know how you could.
No.
Even if he teaches the other raccoons.
Let's send him to Alveis.
Maya could handle it.
Maya could handle him.
For sure.
Come on.
We can have the crack camera.
Math enclosure.
A rehabilitated.
She could run like, yeah, like a rehab.
Somebody hunt down this raccoon and get them in contact with Alveis.
Yeah, we need to know what.
Fearan will pay for the closure.
That was my America me up.
I love Chewie the meth raccoon.
I love that.
You can't release him in a while.
He'd be the coolest raccoon.
It would disrupt the balance.
I love that.
I really do.
Yeah.
I love a good crackhead raccoon.
I love that.
Hey, I got something to tell you guys.
Yeah, okay.
I got a story to tell.
I've been really holding on to this one.
It was really hard for me to resist telling, not telling any of you.
Okay.
Because I talked all of you.
We've been on the phone a few times.
Yeah, Cutie and I have been on the phone a few times.
Will and I have been on the phone a few times.
I don't talk to Hassan because...
Because it's not true.
We've been on the phone multiple times.
Oh, yeah, we did.
We talked a couple of times, actually.
Oh, I'm sorry that it wasn't memorable for you.
It was brief.
That you could just.
No phone call with you was ever brief.
Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold on.
What do you mean?
Am I wrong?
Wow.
He's verbose.
Minimum phone call.
If Austin calls, minimum phone call is going to be, if it's a short one, short and sweet, 35 minutes.
Really?
No, no.
I can be short and sweet, but I do tend to.
I do tend to yes.
One minute call from Austin today.
Yeah.
You go.
Yesterday, three minutes.
Yeah, see, say, see, see, I can be brief.
I missed that one on Monday.
Wow, every day, Austin.
21 minutes.
That was the shortest.
21 minutes?
What about you?
Wait, do you see what you saved in his phone?
Yeah, crazy.
Actual phone calls.
Oh, yeah.
No, I know.
I know.
Here's my story.
I'm ready.
So I was, I talked to my mom.
I called my mom and I said, we started talking about politics.
And I said, where do you watch your politics, mom?
She's like, on TikTok.
I said, oh, cool.
Uh-oh.
Do you watch Hassan?
Do you ever watch Hassan?
Does Hassan ever come across your feed?
And she's like, oh, yeah, Hassan.
I really like that guy.
I said, oh, yeah.
You know, do you ever see his politics?
And she says, no, not really, but he does come across my feed.
I said, well, what do you see?
And she goes, well, there's always some weird filter on these videos.
And he's always taking his shirt off and sweating and showing his armpits.
And there's some weird techno music playing on repeat.
And I'm like, mom, what do you mean?
And she's like, yeah, he's always shirtless.
He's never giving political takes.
And then it hit me that my mom keeps getting Hassan fan cams on TikTok.
Are you proud of yourself?
Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah, why have you been such a slut?
Keep your shirt on.
You're horning up Austin's poor mother with a naked tip.
I'm not going to lie.
I am proud of myself.
No.
Yes.
No, but what kills me is my poor, I didn't have the heart to tell my mother that our algorithms are curated by ourselves by our interests.
Yeah, our interests.
Your mom was tapping the hard.
Yeah.
So I was like, mom, you know.
You should scroll past those.
Yeah, I was like, mom, if you keep getting them, you know.
And she's like, oh, yeah, he's a good-looking guy.
Not really my type, though, is what she said.
That's funny.
You guys say the same thing.
The entire show family's got the same lie.
Anyway, I thought that was a...
That's amazing.
That was a funny look.
That was tremendous.
That was tremendous.
But she does, like, my dad likes Chappelle.
He also watches my show this time.
No, no, no, he doesn't.
She sends him to him.
He wants me to, every time.
Every time something political happens, he's like, hey, why don't you call up your friend Hassan?
And tell him about that.
They heard about you being detained and everything like that.
They're like, do you know about this?
He needs to make a big deal about this is what they said.
Me being detained made it to mom talk for sure.
Like, that's like all the normies saw it.
And the other thing is the daily show appearance.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That apparently has been making the rounds amongst the moms and dads.
Yeah.
So why did he get detained?
Because you're because I'm a criminal.
Does that make you feel cool?
No.
Okay.
Well, at least I'm not going to be able to do that.
I feel pretty.
I kind of want to be.
No, you don't.
You?
You just want attention.
You just need a friend.
You just need a pressure.
We talked about this earlier.
I don't have to do that.
I'm not trouble like origami.
I think the pressure.
You would accidentally say the wrong thing and get imprisoned.
Like, you would admit to being a terrorist even if you were.
No.
Like, I love Hamas.
I mean, oh, I said the wrong thing.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, I gave them weapons one time.
I would handle it.
You'd be sweating dead.
I say, I know.
You'd roll up and be like, officer, I'm Lebanese.
No.
You know, I'm from the region.
No, I'd be able to handle it.
I'm serious.
I've dealt with them before.
Yeah, they give me a little lip.
I say, hey, a little less attitude.
All right.
Coming from you, Mr. Border Agent.
Yeah.
Did you never have that?
Do you like to be detained?
No, no, I did.
I had a situation today.
So my nieces and nephews, I've been elbows deep in Disney week.
You guys know.
Tradition with my family.
Disney and up and down.
It's been a while.
How many.
Oh, it's in my car, but I ubered here.
What?
What?
He the Powerline popcorn bucket that he really wanted.
It's the coolest thing ever.
And I want to see that.
I wanted to wear this.
Oh.
You can ship it to him.
When do you leave?
What time?
Tomorrow night.
A.M.
Oh.
I can have.
Can you use it as a purse?
Does that have enough room in it?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to come.
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
We could hire a courier.
Wait, can you pull it out?
I want to see what this is.
It's so cool.
Powerline.
Honestly, when my chat told me you had gotten me for it, I like tweeted.
I like fan girled out so hard.
It was the very last one, so it has display written on its back.
Look at that.
And if we listen to each other, you didn't recognize his work until now.
Baby loves the reason why.
For the first time ever, we're seeing it.
And I want to point something out.
It's not actually Powerline.
They pulled a fast one.
It's Max.
It's Max dressed as Powerline, which makes it even more.
Oh my God.
I watched that movie on the plane recently.
I might actually come with you to your house after the stream to get this because I want to wear around an EDC.
Where did he put the popcorn?
In the back.
In his ass.
In his fucking ass.
There's not a lot of space.
Okay, cutie, you were telling us something.
So, yeah, we had a bit of a situation.
Oh, shit.
So, I mean, we'll talk about, we'll talk about Disney Week.
Disney Week's intense.
It's a Super Bowl, and there's 10 kids under the age of 10.
Oh, God.
Why didn't you bring Uncle Will?
Go, go.
I'm ready.
Go.
Go.
Like, she doesn't want to take us.
There's still another day.
Well, to be honest, if you had to pass one of your friends as a Mormon, yeah, yeah, let's just throw you in a button up.
Not you.
I would be so I could be so Mormon.
No, is he delirious?
The prophet Joseph Smith.
Shut the peace upon him.
That's not what sells Mormon.
Peace be upon him.
He's what sells Mormon.
Yeah.
It's in the eyes.
And yours are dead like a shark.
No, you're freaking me out.
No.
Yeah, no.
I would like to learn about our Lord.
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus?
Bring it down.
I was being a bad, I was kind of being the bad influence aunt a little bit.
You got him drunk?
No, yeah.
I got these kids drunk.
No, practically the Mormon version.
No.
I was like, meet this raccoon.
No, my, so it was also my, the reason we do Disney week is because it's my late mom's birthday and she used to always beg us to go to Disney and we would never go.
No, it's fine.
R.I.P. I just wanted to dap up your mom.
We would never go.
And now that she's dead, we like go, which is kind of cringe because we should have gone with her.
That's a really cute tribute.
Yeah.
But five-day parking.
You're like, L, mom, like, you're dead.
We're going without you.
I know.
I feel bad, actually.
No, it's a meaningful tribute.
Don't it's the only thing we could do?
She's up there looking down and being like, are you guys doing?
She's like, hey.
She's like, she's like, actually, you should probably be getting the flash past the space mountain right now because we would be, she's like, backseating it.
Anyway, so we do that.
But like, my mom, you know, how there's like people that have like their drinks, like this, like, you know, like, my mom was like a religious diet doctor or Diet Coke.
Okay.
You know, there's like a few moms out there.
Like, she drank that more than water.
Yeah.
It was crazy.
Probably was of the era, too.
Yeah, yeah.
She didn't die that long ago.
No, no, no.
But like when you were a kid, right?
It's a very 90s mom thing.
Right.
Okay.
There you go.
Love you back in.
You're back in.
How old do you think she is?
So she's like super into Diet Coke.
Now, if you're okay, this is where it gets complicated.
Everyone gets confused.
I'm jumping in.
I'm ready.
Mormons.
Yes.
Okay.
Caffeine.
Yeah.
So sodas are okay.
So you were a bad aunt and you gave me because the kids usually can't have caffeine until they're old enough.
God.
And usually the only caffeine they can have is soda.
But some Mormon families, no caffeine ever, Well, it makes sense.
Jesus obviously makes very clear exceptions.
Yeah.
Forgiveness.
Yeah.
So half the kids, long story, I don't know what happened.
My brother got in a bad mood or something.
And so half the kids left.
And then only some of the cool kids hung back with me.
Okay.
Rebels.
Yeah.
The older ones.
And yeah.
And so, and I was like, crap, we haven't done.
We smoke a little crystal.
Yeah.
We're going, we're going crystal for crystal with that raccoon.
Whoever can handle the most.
So the group's going with the anti-so, yeah.
So I got a group and I was like, shit, because of my brother being in a bad mood.
So they left.
I was like, we didn't do the tradition.
The tradition is diet coke in front of the castle on my mom's birthday.
Also, if I remember correctly, the kettle corn.
Caramel corn.
Close.
Yep.
Yep.
I did get that.
I got that on.
I don't remember the days anymore, but you did.
Yeah.
And so, so I'm like, guys, we got to do the Diet Coke in front of the castle.
And two of the older kids are like, I can't have Coke.
And I was like, you can have it.
I was like, wait, yeah.
Are they lame?
No.
I can't say that about children.
They're not lame.
They're following the rules.
That's lame as hell.
They're children.
They're children.
Children are supposed to be lame when they're that age.
That's crazy.
If I was 11, I'd be like, give me the Coke and the crack.
Okay, you're a cool 11-year-old.
He was a fat kid.
Don't listen to it.
That's what I was saying.
And the carol.
And the caraval corner.
And a bird.
And gave me that over the little kid so I could eat him.
You leave those little Mormons alone.
Leave them alone.
They're following the rules.
Listen, cycle of violence.
He's bullying them.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's how they grow up to be good adults.
Well, so then they, so their dad, my sister's husband, was with us too.
And so like, they kind of looked at him and he's like, yeah, I think it's fun.
It's tradition, you know?
And they still won't do it.
They think it's like a test from the devil.
And I'm like, and then I go to the younger one.
They think you're the devil.
I assume.
No, actually, but I'm just saying.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, it was very cute.
Like, they're being very like, no, we can't have Coke.
We can't.
And I'm like, okay.
And then I look at the younger one.
She's like, she's eight.
And I go, and she's like, yeah, I'll try it.
She was just so that one's going to leave the church.
I was like, oh, how long she's going to last.
But it was pretty funny.
And so she tried it.
And then she like drank it.
She's like, I didn't even really drink it.
And I was like, okay.
And then she had more and whatever, but we did it.
We all took the, drank the Diet Coke in front of the castle and it was very cute.
That's so cute.
Can I tell you?
As much as your family stresses you out, it's so good for you.
I know.
It's different.
It's just way brighter.
Yeah, you are way happier right now.
I'm so happy.
You came in and scared us.
That's why I asked if you were drunk.
No, I just, they're good.
They're just really stressful.
Good.
My sister, my sister does, my sister, respectfully, and she has good reason.
It's my stepmother.
And so my stepmother is with us and Aaron is out there causing roughness.
Is she going to see this?
My stepmother?
No, she doesn't watch this.
She sees my fan camp.
She does see your fan cams and she'll be excited.
And she also.
All of our moms watching sons.
My mom up in heaven, she's like, oh, you got to see that fast person.
Oh, wow.
Anyway, so it's been a whole thing.
It's been crazy.
Today, though, so my dad loves the beach.
Fair.
Okay.
He loves the beach.
He doesn't like Disney, but he comes on this trip with us because...
Because it's close to the beach.
Wait, this is the dad that sneezed on you.
Yeah.
Is he better than 80?
Give us both.
I'd like to meet him and have a word with him.
I want to meet your dad, too.
He's gone.
He's gone tomorrow.
Bring him back.
In the morning.
I'll try to bring him back.
He will come.
Okay.
So he's leaving early.
Yeah.
He will come back if we can find him a ping pong boot camp.
I already know it.
You do?
Like ping pong table tennis.
Yes, he loves it.
I know of a league.
He plays for like 12 hours a day.
I know of a league in West Hollywood in a Jewish rec center.
Do they do book campaigns?
That I used to go play at.
They do boot cups.
No, but they do ultra competitive games and they have a pro shop and they match up.
And I would go and I would like do like color of money ping pong hospitals.
So maybe he could just play for like a weekend or something and that'll be like a boot camp.
I would play like five hours a night when I went.
Could I like get him a coach?
He wants like a coach.
I can work on that, but I know we're like the hot ping pong actors.
Okay.
That'd be awesome.
Okay.
So so there's only one ping pong club where he lives, Washington.
And he can only find one.
I won't say what city because, you know, there's only one in the city and it closed down.
And so.
Let's get him into some pickle.
He loves ping pong.
He loves it.
Let's get him into some pickle.
No, he loves it.
I don't understand.
I think if he pickled one ball, he'd be he has.
Because my sister has a pickleball court and he goes to her house.
But he loves ping pong.
Anyway, that's a different story.
Pop Mart Laboo Boo Request00:15:55
Why did I get here?
We want to bring him back.
He wants to see the beach.
Yeah.
So he wanted to go to the beach and all my siblings just want to do Disney.
And I was like, guys, we need a beach day for dad because we don't go to, we didn't go to Disney with my mom when she was alive.
And now we have to fucking go for five days to make up for it.
If we don't go to the beach with my dad, who loves the beach, we're going to have to do five fucking beach days if he dies.
That's a 10-day trip.
So let's just go to the beach with him while he's alive.
That's right.
Five days at Disney is a lot of time.
It's too many days.
There's too many days at Disney.
I can't believe you're saying that.
There's not even five days worth of perk.
There's not.
But you know what?
That's what they want.
And we get a hangout.
They want to do that.
Yeah.
Wait, so they enjoy it?
Like they just do the same shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because they only get it like five days.
It's not optional.
Like, I can go whenever.
They like can't.
They have to fly in.
I mean, Disney is the shit when you're a kid.
It's also the shit when you're an adult.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I haven't been to Disney yet this year.
Also, if you're tweaking on Coke for the first time.
Yeah.
They had a lot of Coke.
I never had the drink.
Oh, I thought you meant cocaine.
No.
Okay.
Okay.
Got it.
Call that.
Okay, got it.
I rented.
Got it.
Got it.
I rented a bus.
I was trying to be a nice family person.
I rented a bus.
They got in the bus.
They drove from Anaheim.
Took them to Santa Monica because there's a pier.
And then we went to the dog.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Because there's Austin.
There's 20 people in my party.
Oh, okay.
So that's not it.
Yeah, you can't just.
That's how many children you have.
That's so crazy.
It's crazy.
I'm going to say something.
I have an inappropriate finish.
You're going to say, stop reproducing.
Is that what you're going to say?
No.
No, I'm going to say something inappropriate.
Okay.
Have I told you guys about my small business?
DecoDen.
It's freaking itty bitty.
We talk about it all the time.
It's itty bitty.
Have you heard about how it's affecting me?
Boo-boo lemon.
The boo-boo lemons are going crazy.
And I'm so stressed.
But you know the least stressful part?
What?
My doing e-commerce?
My e-commerce, my point of sale.
It's all through Shopify.
Step on her ass.
That's crazy.
It's all through Shopify.
And it's so easy if you're a small business owner.
It's very, and I'm dumb.
I'm dumb as hell.
I'm dumb as bricks, they say.
Tell me about it.
You're dumb.
You're dumb.
Dog's dumb.
He's so fucking smart enough to use Shopify for a hiring car.
It's our Adrian.
I haven't sat here.
My business is running.
I opened my Shopify app to see what my sales were.
And I even saw what's on the most amount that sold today so I can reorder it and get charged tariffs on that.
Look, this I can see my total sales, my total orders.
It's crazy.
Like, don't say tariffs.
Shopify is great.
You can get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify, guys.
Sign up for $1 per month, which I wish I would have used that.
That's so cheap.
I know.
I didn't use this.
Okay.
Well, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com/slash fear.
That's shopify.com/slash fear.
That's right.
Go to shopify.com/slash fear and save real money.
Save real money now.
I think you need to have children.
Oh, my God.
I think you would, you would, you would enjoy it a lot.
I wouldn't.
I think.
I actually, I love my niece and nephews, but I hate them.
I hate them so much.
Back me up.
Guys, no, I don't want to.
I don't agree with the children aspect, but I think there's something about the family element.
Your family, you're just happier when you're terribly, miserably stressed out by your family.
Well, you know what?
I think you're on to something, kid.
I think you need to give birth.
No, and that's not what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Awesome.
I think you need to grab hold of your maternal instinct.
I can feel it.
I don't want to.
You need to mother something.
I have a dog.
This is misogynistic.
I also have a boyfriend.
I don't think you need to have a kid.
You idiots.
You like to parent us, but I don't think you need to have a kid.
I just think that something about being like the lynchpin in your family is very gratifying for you.
And you do keep it together.
Like, you're cutie fucking Cinderella.
You can produce anything.
Even Mormon.
Even a Mormon child.
No, stop.
No child.
But anyway, part of the tour today, they stopped at Deco Deco.
Oh.
So they can do some arts and crafts.
Okay.
Plug.
Nice.
Oh, I've been plugging.
Plug.
The tariffs are, the tariffs are back to 30%.
We're back in business, baby.
I went to Pop Mart and dropped a rap today.
Yeah.
What?
Pop Mart.
I know, but what did you buy?
Did you get Labo Boo?
I got blind boxes.
I got keychains.
I got Laboo Boo.
You got Laboobu?
I got Labo Boo.
I don't even have a Labooboo.
Dude, he has so many Laboo Boos on my big face roly labooboo.
I want the four-foot one.
I haven't seen that one.
It's hard to find.
That's that exclusive shit.
I don't know.
That shit's more expensive per pound than Coke right now.
It's kind of like NFTs.
Yeah.
It's girly pop NFTs.
Okay.
Or like those stupid Mickeys that all the FaZe Boys have.
Cause.
Yeah.
I hate those fuckers.
Me too.
They're so ugly.
What is that for?
I don't know.
They're not labooboos.
But they're just laboobus.
I don't understand.
It's just like expensive and ugly.
And I think everyone is like, oh, you must be like stupid rich because you bought something so dumb.
How expensive are they?
I think they're like 500 bucks.
Can you look it up?
So you were saying?
Okay.
So anyway, we go to Deco Deco, whatever.
They pick out stuff, blah, blah, blah.
We get to the Dodgers game.
No, cause W. K-A-W-S.
Yeah, 500.
Oh, that one's 8,000.
What the heck?
Yeah, yeah.
Some of them are like, the uglier it gets, the more expensive it gets.
The uglier.
I'm telling you, it's like a reverse flex.
It's like, yo, I'm stupid rich because I bought this ugly piece of shit.
Look at me.
What is that?
What do you do with it?
You just put them in your room.
Now look at extra large Laboobu sculpture.
Bro, if you don't even like...
Just look at it.
No, no, no.
I like Labooboo.
Are you kidding me?
No, no, that one's a little too fast there.
No, look.
That's a knockoff?
That's a knockoff.
I can tell by his teeth.
You count the teeth.
That shit's fucked up.
That ain't right.
That ain't right.
I know my labuboo.
That shit's a good thing.
No, that's a special edition.
And also, the extra large ones are giant.
That's 150.
The extra large ones are like a grand.
Type in gigantosaurus, like three foot laboo.
How do you spell that?
Labooboo big size.
Type in three foot.
You know what?
How long have these been around for?
I think I had these back in the 90s.
Look at that.
Look at that.
The one with the shirt.
Oh, shit.
Click that.
Yo.
I had these things off my backpack.
Fire.
Look at his car heart fit.
It's so much doper than fucking cause.
Like, he just, he mugs.
He mogs cause so hard.
I'm telling you, I'm going to be rolling around at EDC covered in laboo boo.
And people are going to be like, damn.
There was a lot of laboo boos at Disney.
Yeah, Labooboo.
Dude, wearing labooboo on your clothes right now is big fire.
I'm going to get a laboo boo gown for streamer or that's the big one.
That's the one.
That's the one.
Wait, those are so big.
I want to that's the big face roll.
That's the big face rolly laboo.
Wait, that's the same bag.
Yeah, but that other one was a little foofu.
More expensive.
Wait, this is a god.
Comment in about a card on the inside.
Put him out.
Kind of on the inside.
Yo, Pop Mart, if you're watching this, Pop Mart, if this gets clipped out, send me some Laboo Boo.
Send me one of these to unbox on the stream.
I'll do it.
I'll sell out.
Oh!
Okay, pause.
Pause.
Those are not laboobu.
That's actually another monster because they have the tail.
Wait, what?
No, it's a special version.
That is not laboo laboo.
It's a special edition.
He does not have a tail.
There's different monsters.
Type in laboo.
Laboo monster universe.
Do labooboos have tails?
No, type in labooboo monster universe.
It's a different universe.
It's a different monster in the universe.
Yep.
Now go to all.
Trust me.
Just listen to me.
He knows go to all.
I don't know.
Trust me.
What's going on?
And then the monsters.
And then you can see the different monsters.
No, down.
Scroll down.
The monsters blind box popmart, right?
That's all.
Type in all the different.
Laboo Boo, your ultimate guide.
There you go.
Laboo, your ultimate guide.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
How often are you on this website?
I feel like I'm at my maker.
In fact, I'm wearing a Pop Mark keychain right now.
What is happening?
How did you do?
I am so out of the loop.
I mean, I like it.
We sell blind boxes at Deco Deco.
I don't know what you should come buy some.
I just, we need your business.
I will come.
I'll come to your store and give you business.
No, you won't.
You'll negotiate.
You'll be no, I won't barter with your store.
I'll pay your price.
So each one of these is a different.
I'm more likely to be like, no, I know cutie.
No.
That's what I do.
No, no, what's the friends and family?
Yeah.
I'll be like, I know, cutie.
These are all different monsters.
They're all different monsters in the.
I like the penguin one.
Okay.
Is this from like an animated TV show?
No, it's just from being.
Is your store busy?
No.
Yeah, there's one piece of labooboos available.
I bought a laboo mech today.
What does that mean?
It's like a mech suit, like a robot fighting suit with a laboo boo in it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Look.
No.
Yeah.
All right.
Sick.
That's a lot of laboobus.
God, Popmart.
I understand why people love Pop Martin.
He hates Labooboo.
Austin fucking hates Labooboo.
I just don't get it.
I'm fucking 31 years old.
He feels old.
I got to admit, cute shit, though, has always kind of been my core.
I love it.
I've never really been into shit that just piles up and I look at it.
I don't know what to do about it.
You know, I've never been into it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, so we get to the Dodgers game.
My sister walks up to me and she gives me a handful of charms and beads.
And she goes, let's call him Tyson.
She's like, Tyson stole from Deco Deco.
Oh my God.
Stole from your business.
That's the cool one.
He's five.
Oh my God, you cut his hands off.
And I looked at him.
They don't even do that in Saudi Arabia anymore.
I looked at him.
I looked at my sister and I said, how do you want me to play this?
You want me to be upset?
You want me to be like, you want me?
I said, personally, I don't care, but what do you want from me?
I was like, what do you want?
And she was like, well, just like you have to apologize.
I said, okay.
So then I'm dastardly if you just started hysterically crying in front of him.
Oh, Tyson.
No.
I go like this.
Hello, 911.
Yeah.
Does he even know what cops are?
So my sister asked him, she was like, do you know that was stealing?
He said, yes.
Okay, so then, so then I just, I said.
You should have called Ice.
Deport him.
They're like, what is this?
To wear Washington?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Call him and just take him through deportation here.
Battle teacher.
Great idea.
Yeah.
Five-year-old Washington.
Never steal again.
Five-year-old American citizen Tyson shipped off to Seacot in El Salvador.
An unprecedented move after stealing his aunt for criminal records.
El Salvadorian prison.
SMS 13.
This little kid.
Yeah, Trump comes out.
Trump comes out with a Photoshop.
He's like, this kid, we had to deport him.
It was very dangerous.
Folks, they're saying he's a bad boy.
You saw the photo.
You saw the photo.
Five years old.
Tragic case.
Sorry.
I didn't do that.
She didn't ever learn.
They're learning at an early age.
I just, I just, I just, my, my sister was like, make sure he apologizes.
So I said, are you sorry?
And he said, he said, I was going to buy them.
Oh.
And I said, well, why didn't you ask?
And then he started crying and was inconsolable for a few, like for like five innings of the baseball game.
And then he just kept crying.
Yeah, he just kept crying.
Did you consult him or did you get a bad thing?
No, I asked my sister.
I said, and she said, I said, okay.
And so my sister said, you need, if you want them, you need to ask Blair if you can buy them.
So then he asked me if he could buy them.
And he was like, I was like, he was like, how much?
And it was like three beads.
And I was like, a dollar.
So I scammed the shit out of him.
Yeah, you did.
You upcharged him.
He had to pay interest.
Yeah.
It wasn't even charms.
They were just beads.
Yeah.
So.
Well, that was an important development.
But I didn't know what to do.
It felt like a lot of pressure on me.
Dude, the first time you have to discipline one of your nieces or nephews, it's like hard.
Well, it's like different because I was an aunt.
I was business owner that you stole from.
But it was a discipline.
What do I say, idiot?
No, because if it was a random person.
Hey, stupid.
You would have been like at you.
You pull him aside and you say that was wrong.
No, you did a good job.
Did it?
Okay.
Here's how you play it.
Tell him.
As you're popping a Zen in your mouth.
Joseph Smith watches every move that you make.
You've been a bad boy today.
No.
Going to hell.
No, no, no.
You never call your children bad boy or bad girl.
You say you've made bad choices.
Because you don't want to put that into their head at a young age.
Is that why you're so spoiled and grew up like this?
No.
You don't say you're a bad boy because you're not bad.
You don't want the kid to think they're bad.
You're making bad choices.
You're making bad choices.
And that's parroting in advance from this guy with two cats.
I keep doing that.
I keep messing up my words.
No, no.
Advice.
I do feel at my age, I have felt like, is there like some sort of natural biological clock for men?
No.
Like, I feel like...
There isn't one.
I feel like it's time for me to have children.
Just have one then.
This is a crazy development.
No, no.
I do feel like I just ready yet per se, but I want to.
Is Christian pregnant?
No, he's not pregnant that we know of.
Austin, what?
You can't even rent a house for two and a half years.
How the fuck are you going to take care of a human?
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I don't want one yet.
He takes good care of his cat.
Yes, I do.
They're my children.
He leaves the water on for them.
I do.
I do.
And he would do that for me.
You're going to drip feed the sink to your baby?
No, no.
I've been talking to my mom recently about like how I'm going to parent my children.
I saw this person on TikTok put a hamster feeder of water at their children's bed.
Because they're like, oh, then they're never thirsty in the middle of the night.
It was this big hamster feeder.
Oh, my God.
And people were roasting them.
And I saw it and I was like, I kind of want one.
That kid is going to be a school shooter.
No, they're going to be well-hydrated.
A well-hydrated school shooter.
Before we move on.
You know what I just realized?
I think you'd be a tremendous father.
Thank you.
I think one day when I'm ready, oh, it's on.
I'm going to be the best dad ever.
So good.
I'll be so good.
Can I be honest?
Yeah.
You, though, your trap as a father, you're going to be a varsity blues dad.
What do you mean?
What does that mean?
You're going to put your son into the ball and you're going to be like, come on.
Come on, young show.
We're champions in this family.
Yeah.
I mean, if I wasn't so big and busy being famous, I would have been a football boy.
NFL son.
Butchering Kid Like Mr Beast00:11:14
I mean, I'd probably try to teach him a couple things.
I feel like you're really going to butcher kid up.
Not like butcher, but like.
You're going to jock him off.
Oh, yeah.
Because I wasn't the jock.
He's going to be the jock I wasn't.
That's how it works.
He's going to be the jock.
He's going to be the fucking, he's going to go to prom.
He's going to have the hottest chip.
That's right.
He's going to date the lead cheerleader on the football team.
He's going to be the starting quarterback.
Make sure you bully those gay kids.
That's right.
My son.
That's right.
Young Trevor show.
You get like weirdly homophobic.
You better not turn out gay son.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We have to make a pact.
We have to all have children at the same time.
Wait, that's so cool.
I love that.
And then they'll start a podcast.
No, because the big worry there is that one of our kids might fuck.
Oh, shit.
Fuck.
I wasn't even thinking about that.
Oh my God, and then we become in-laws, kind of, or whatever.
Oh!
Like God.
Great father.
Wait, maybe that's what, maybe that's how we'll be bonded forever.
I think we're already there.
I'm not cutie.
I'm out the second.
All of these bosses gets canceled.
I do have to say, I do have to say, we all, we're all kind of getting older.
We need to have children.
Don't say that to me.
No, no.
I'm on the face.
We're all you in particular.
Right, right.
No, no.
I wasn't even saying it like that when I say cutie needs to get impregnated or I'm saying all of us.
Why'd you single her out?
Because I know it irks her, and that was being a bad friend.
Yeah, I wasn't.
You don't want to give birth anyway.
By the way, I just want to point out something.
I wasn't saying like, you know, I wasn't on some misogynistic shit.
I just see how even with all the stress when you were doing this to deliver children to this morning.
Yeah.
You got to get women are for breeding.
Yeah, you got to get the fucking work.
What are we doing?
This is a Trump administration.
It's a new dawn.
Yeah.
Women.
No, I get it.
You're just saying I'm happier when I'm with family.
Facing uterus.
Yeah.
Sad.
Yeah.
Faking uterus.
It's been, I don't know.
It's been good to be around them, but my, they're just, they're a lot.
Do you want children?
No, I never have.
But the problem is, is Ludwig wants children.
And you don't want to give birth to them, right?
Wait, no.
I always thought Ludwig wanted to get to the bottom.
Well, let's get your eggs out and freeze.
Gay?
Well, I do.
I do.
That's why I went to the gyno.
Remember the scamming one that I told you guys about?
Yeah.
So I've been gluten-free.
It's supposed to help with that.
And then I have to get my eggs frozen this year.
Okay.
You would be such a great.
I don't want to be a mom.
I'm just saying.
I know.
You would be.
I'm going to freaking have to.
Why are you so resistant to this?
I don't want it.
I'm so tired.
I have so much I want to do.
I've never, I always do so much for everybody else.
I never do anything for me.
And if I have a kid, then there's even less time to do that.
I'm doing shit for you.
You're doing shit for other people's children.
You might as well do it for your own child.
That's my point.
You also, cutie famously hate doing shit for yourself.
I know.
And imagine if I have a kid.
Look, my argument is this.
Okay.
Here's why Cutie Cinderella needs to be.
You want me to have a drug?
Like, that's a drug for me.
Here's why Cutie Cinderella needs to have a child.
Okay.
Are you ready?
Oh, boy.
You're never going to help yourself.
Okay.
It's just not going to happen.
You're not going to do shit for yourself.
That's not true.
I drank half a water bottle today.
Okay.
That's not what I mean.
I don't mean like, I don't mean like you're dehydrated.
I mean like you constantly have to be in where you're helping other people.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
None of the things you're mentioning is what I'm talking about.
You're constantly in a position where you put yourself where you're helping other people or you're doing projects or you're like building all these big things.
Okay.
And sometimes those things make you miserable.
You're miserable all the time, but this is the first time I've seen you in all of that misery actually be happy.
I'm not happy right now.
I'm tired.
You've been really happy going to super happy.
You've been for several days.
You don't think I'm just, you don't think.
You know what?
Shut up, everybody.
Listen, I got to get things done before I decide on a stupid ass, stupid little kid.
I already told Lud.
What do you have to do?
What's your bucket list before you have a child?
I want to do my music.
Also, you guys have to.
You can do that.
You can do that.
You can build.
You can do that with a kid.
No, fuck him.
Fuck that stupid little kid.
What?
How do you have police?
He's going to be depression before you're pregnant.
I don't want it.
You want to strangle him?
I want my kid to watch this.
I hope my kid's five years old and finds this episode.
And they're like, damn, mom did not want me.
And I'm like, tell your nanny about it.
Yeah.
Damn.
I also, there's no way you would.
I don't even think you're going to be able to do that.
Well, I was just talking about having a stupid kid.
If I end up having a stupid kid, I'll have a stupid kid.
But like, not me, I won't be happy about it.
I'm going to let the child roam.
Yeah.
Just free bleeding.
Free range.
Listen, Kai is like.
Free shit, free pee, free bleed.
Kai is very well trained.
So yeah, Kai did turn out well.
I've already told Ludwig, I said, if we have kids, you're the stay-at-home mom.
Yeah.
That's on him.
He's the one that wants the kid.
But I feel like he would want that anyway.
Yeah.
Like, I feel Ludwig is just going to wait till that kid is old enough to hold a controller and then it's.
I just have never wanted to be defined by others.
And you know, like when someone becomes a mom and they're like, oh, so-and-so-no, don't call me a fucking mom.
You have such a strange approach to like a very basic human function.
I know, dude, you're more than a mom.
I'm not a mom.
But when, when I'm just preparing you for what I'm going to say when you are a mom, cutie, she's more than a mom.
She's a cool mom.
One of the most hardworking, dedicated people that I know.
And being a mom is a job.
And it's underrepresented.
It's underrepresented.
I agree.
It's a job, and I don't want to.
Don't be calling me.
I'll be honest.
I didn't apply.
I'll be honest, Cutie.
If you were a mom, and I was doing a speech about you, I'd throw that in there.
We'd have this stupid little baby right there.
Yeah.
Bring the stupid baby.
Not only is she so good at her job, but God, she's a fantastic mother.
I'm starting to think that I'm going to raise all your children.
Oh, Uncle Will is going to be awesome.
Settling in where I'm like, oh, God.
No, I mean, I'm going to invite Will over for Christmas because my kids are going to be taken care of.
Is your dad making you do two-day football practices again?
What are you talking to my son about, Will?
It's okay, little show.
Little show.
I know you want to do theater.
I know you want to be.
You better not be encouraging him to dance again.
He's a champion.
I'll stay.
I took away his dolls.
You play with G.I. Joe.
Not a gation.
God, that's funny.
I had good times.
Yeah, I've learned a lot about children's personalities.
They're all just so different.
Yeah.
So the kids were, they had a, dude, we gotta, I gotta shout out Mr. Beast.
What happened?
What did he get?
I have to say it.
Yeah.
He's in, he's incredible.
So the kids, the kids love him.
Obviously, they're obsessed with him.
They're always talking about him.
And Ludwig's with us.
And I can't say too much, but we are in an area, obviously, like we're in an area and place where Mr. Beast happened to text Lud and was like, yo, what are you up to today?
And Lud's like, oh, blah, blah, like, I'm here.
And Mr. Beast was like, oh, I'll come say hi.
Oh, shit.
And Lud's like, I'm with my nieces and nephews.
Like, is that okay?
Like, it would rock their world.
Crazy.
So they, they, what's crazy is that day they were pitching Ludwig Mr. Beast video ideas.
No.
They spent like 20 minutes.
Oh my god.
Ludwig looked like the coolest man in the world.
He's like, oh, you got an idea?
Hang on.
Let me get Jimmy.
That's literally it.
So it's like late, like, it's just the older kids or whatever.
And, and Lud's like, um, Lud takes them to, he's like, guys, come with me, come with me.
And they're like, where are we going?
Like, where are my parents?
You know, like, I'm not supposed to drink Coke.
I'm not supposed to drink Coke.
No, they were like, well, we were supposed to meet our parents.
Like, what the heck is going on?
And he's like, well, come over here.
We're going to, we're going to meet Mr. Beast.
And they're like, you're joking.
You're joking.
No, we're not.
No, we're not.
And then we walk around the corner and sure enough, they meet Mr. Beast and they just froze.
And he went non-verbal.
And Jimmy's great.
He walks up and he's like, hey, guys.
And they're just.
And then I'm like, they love your videos.
I promise.
It's like meeting Santa Claus if he was real.
And then, and then, so then Jimmy goes, what's your favorite ones?
And they go, um, dad's crazy.
And I was like, I promise they actually like you.
I promise they were talking about you all day.
But that's like, I'm sure, I'm sure that's not his first interaction.
I know, I know, but I was a stunned child.
Yeah, it's like, but it's crazy.
It's like if you were to meet your god, you know, what are you going to say?
Yeah.
It's fragged their mind.
All these, all these kids, all these Christian kids and their goddess named Mr. Beast.
I mean, they just a big star.
He is.
I mean, he's.
Can I be honest?
He's a big deal.
Such a cute story.
It was really cute.
We got a picture and they were like, two of them have Apple watches now.
So they're texting their friends the picture, bragging already.
And people are going to be like, give me Mr. Beast.
Yeah.
I got Mr. Beast Cloud for my cousins as well.
And they were screenshotting the entire time.
Jimmy, if you see this, I have nieces and nephews too.
You're like, please.
I do too.
I've got 12 of them.
Trying to fly out to Michigan.
Yeah.
I have 12 nieces and nephews.
Yeah, my siblings be fucking.
That's weird.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for watching this episode of the Fear podcast.
Yes, not the Patreon episode.
Not the Patreon episode, the main episode.
We're going to the Patreon dad.
We're going to the Patreon.
Thank you.
And yeah, she said it.
And that's, I'm not even going to be able to do that.
We're going to see you there.
I want you to go donate plasma and then send me that toy.
Is there a priest in your neighborhood?
You have cattle.
Please.
I'm going to piss my fans.
So I don't know how I ended up with the only broke pay pig.
He just broke.
Anyway, so.
Wait, so it was literally, you literally asked him for 50 bucks and he said he didn't have it.
No, he's like, that's too much, sir.
And I'm like, I'm like, immediately brains kids.
So I'm like, I'm like, so now I'm in a situation where I'm bartering with a pay pig.
He's like, no, don't.
I think this is a bad pay pig.
It's just bad.
Wait, wait.
Where did you go down to?
I was like, all right, send me fucking.
I'm like, all right, $7.95 or something.
He's definitely going to jerk off to this conversation, right?
Because he loves being human.
He loves being humiliated.
And I realized there's no way he can afford to be human.