QTCINDERELLA SAVES A LIFE! details a chaotic emergency where dog Swift ingested roughly an eighth cup of onions from Mongolian beef, prompting hydrogen peroxide administration and conflicting vet advice ranging from home care to $2,500 hospitalization. Hosts debate liability fears versus medical caution, contrasting the incident with personal hypochondria and past swine flu hospitalizations at the University of Miami. Ultimately, the episode highlights the tension between aggressive medical intervention and skepticism regarding healthcare costs, setting up a future resolution for "Onion Gate." [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Responsible Lease Pride00:06:39
Do you think your Mongolian people had this much onions?
Yes, it did.
It had some fucking crack cocaine.
I know it's Trump's America.
But the beef tax is not that bad that it's mostly onion on your f ⁇ ing Mongolian.
Hold on, we're losing.
Look at the bowl.
Press record, are we live?
We're live.
Ladies and gentlemen, what are you doing?
What?
We're going to talk about the elephant in the room.
What is the elephant in the room?
The Austin Show, have you moved to LA yet?
No, not yet.
No, you fucking haven't.
And if you don't move by pride, we're turning our backs on you.
I'm signing a lease tomorrow.
I'm going to talk to both of them.
Wait, what?
Yes, we've talked.
Wait, what do you mean?
I mean, I'm always back on our gay side.
Wait, no, wait, I'm not going to be able to do that.
This is an intervention.
The contract.
This is an interview.
Hold on, wait.
Let me show you.
We've been lied to.
No, the contract is in.
I don't want to see it.
No, look, look what you've been doing to your sister.
I'm sorry.
Hello.
Can I do the intro?
No.
No, it's my turn.
Hello.
Cutie's too busy.
Welcome to my podcast.
I work here.
Cutie's too busy to do.
This is my nine to five.
She doesn't have this right for energy.
And this is hosted by Austin Show, Will Neff, and Hassan Piker is his real last name.
Not Avi.
Why did you...
Oh, okay.
There was a question mark at the end of that pipe.
Wait, do you guys think this is a ruse and I'm not actually going to move to Los Angeles?
Austin?
Yes.
Austin?
Oh, Marcia?
Yeah.
There are kids that have grown up and gone to college.
Sure.
In the time that you've said you've moved to the Project.
People have died.
People have died.
Yeah.
Specifically people in Congress, actually.
Six of them over the course of a year.
And the Pope.
We lost a Pope.
We lost a Pope.
Dude, you killed the Pope.
We've been through, I think, you know what?
Come to think of it, I've been doing this thing for a few years.
We've been through like three presidents.
Yeah.
Two tribes.
I'm just saying that either Pride will be a celebration that you've moved to LA or it will be the hardest shunning I've ever shunned in my entire life.
How about this?
How about this?
We won't participate in a single gay event with you during the month of Pride if you don't fucking move to Los Angeles.
I'm sorry.
I won't act any differently.
Okay, thank you.
Which means she's going to do the same thing as us.
Look, I will be signing a lease tomorrow, and I will be wiring the money on Tuesday.
And I will send you the wire receipt.
Thank you.
And then I will show you the signed lease.
Thank you.
And then it will be official and we can celebrate at Pride.
Yes.
I will suck your cock in the middle of the...
And if not, you have to go to Pride with a Trump hat on.
Totally.
Deal.
Hold on, wait.
Real quick.
Real quick.
If Force Majeure comes in here and for some reason, the rental burns to the ground.
No.
Or something like that.
There is no Force Major.
No, Force Majeure.
What if the rental explodes?
No.
Even if the rental explodes, you still have to wear a Trump battle.
No, no, no.
What if the rental, I don't know, something happens.
I want to let you guys fucking know something.
Okay.
I negotiated the ever-loving fuck out of this house.
Tell us about it.
I'm going to tell you about it.
All right.
I was petty as shit on this place, okay?
This landlord told me that I was going to be responsible for their fucking appliances if they broke.
Whoa.
Okay.
I was going to be responsible for the pool and gardener.
No.
Right?
Okay.
How dare he?
I was going to be responsible for pest control.
Okay.
And the thing that really pissed me off, the peak level of pettiness, is I was going to be responsible for the fucking light bulbs.
No.
Yeah.
So get me, get this.
That's no, no, Will.
This is where you're wrong.
They caved on everything, but they challenged me on the light bulbs, okay?
Let me tell you why the light bulb thing is fucked up, okay?
You tell me at the end of the lease, I gotta fucking change a light bulb and replace it, right?
Well, how long has that light bulb been in the house?
How much of that light bulb have I used?
Right?
I don't think any of us are on here.
Five bucks.
Well, listen to me here.
So this is what I said.
I went to them and I said, look, I'll pay for the light bulbs.
Right.
All right?
Yeah, okay.
But every single light bulb in the house from the kitchen to the stairs to every part of the house, those light bulbs need to be brand new and you need to verify that they're brand new.
And I went to them.
You've got to verify the light bulb.
How are they going to verify the light bulb?
I don't know.
They caved and they said you're not responsible for the light bulbs.
They're not going to change the light bulbs.
They're just going to be like, whatever this is.
Well, no, no, I didn't say they had to.
I said, only if I was going to be responsible.
This is the one time where his white hat Karen behavior, I actually am on board because landlords are historically the worst.
Yes.
That's it.
Thank you.
Maybe it's this behavior that's made.
No.
No, they started it with the pettiness.
And so I went after him and I got every fucking cent.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
We're going to celebrate next Pride special pride episode, everybody.
Yay.
Yes.
Yeah, I guess.
I don't know how it's going to work because I'm going to be in Texas next weekend for DreamCon.
Surprise.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Is this DreamCon?
DreamCon is RDC World.
He's always doing shit.
RDZ World's premiere convention.
I did it last year.
Are you playing basketball again?
Ludwig got kicked.
Yeah, Ludwig didn't get invited back for some reason.
It's crazy because he had assists.
I'm the only white boy who swag that is allowed.
Are you the only white man?
No, there's another one.
I mean, he is now that I'm officially black.
Oh, is that true?
That's a point of contention for.
Whoa.
And, well, I'm just saying.
That's the color eraser already.
That's the meta that is ongoing on the bottom.
Which is our ginger is black.
The answer is no.
What?
Following, if you want me to expand on it, it's fuck no.
But go ahead.
Okay.
I don't know if you had to add the expletive.
Okay.
Well, here, let's do you want to bring up a TikTok on this?
No.
No, no, no.
Oh, you want to make your case on your own.
I think it's just he wasn't here when we covered this.
Yeah, we did cover it.
We already covered it.
We already covered it.
Yeah.
Blue Milk Contention00:03:02
No, no, it's fine.
Wait, you did?
Yeah, we covered it when you weren't here, when you unceremoniously just didn't show up to the podcast.
You mean when I was in France?
Yeah, selfishly.
Yeah.
Okay.
You left us.
You left us to record on our own without you.
Discussing it.
So we discussed race.
Yeah, that's right.
Actually, quite extensively.
We did.
We went into great detail.
We also garnished your wages.
Yes.
Ooh, I don't know that.
By the way, Cutie has gifts for me.
Only for Will.
Oh, my God.
That's okay.
I'm totally okay with that.
She brought you light bulbs.
Yeah.
Oh!
Everybody wanted.
Oh, my God.
It says display on it.
It was the last one.
Why did they write that?
That ruins it.
It does not ruin it.
No, I know it doesn't, but like, they could just put it on display.
You can get out, but rubbing alcohol.
They didn't put any popcorn in it.
This is fire.
I'm going to wear this like a purse.
Thank you so much.
You could even, I think you could like switch it out for gold chains, which would be because it just plugs in.
That's brilliant.
So you could get a custom, custom made.
Yeah, I think that's what I did.
And then I was at Erwan and Will wanted a county drink.
Yes.
I want to try it.
Now, what am I drinking here?
I don't know.
It was blue.
Blue pearl almond milk.
Said that looks county.
This looks like the blue milk from Star Wars.
You're gonna try.
You shake it first, I think.
Oh, you've been to Erewhon.
No, but I just assume that something that I just don't think it should be.
I agree.
They probably had to add some sort of coloring.
Oh, you should.
Is that oat milk?
Almond.
Oh, and that is just blue milk.
Spirulina makes it blue or something.
That is just blue milk.
Ew.
I'm going to enjoy it.
Can I try it?
Ew.
It's maybe when you move to LA.
It's organic almond milk, organic spread of almonds water, Himalayan pink salt, raw honey, tocotries.
Actually, toco trio.
You know what it tastes like?
Hold on.
You know what this tastes like?
Blue milk?
No, it tastes like a bread.
A bread?
I kind of get that.
Pearl powder, whatever the fuck that is.
Organic E3 live blue magic powder, pink salt.
Blue magic powder?
Yeah.
So, for those of you at home, you may have noticed we switched around the seating arrangement.
I don't think they did.
All right.
No one cares.
Okay.
Why did we moving on?
Why did you?
I don't know where you were going with that.
I was going nowhere with it.
I was just trying to get some conversation flowing.
It just looks good.
Like it looks, it looks good.
I told you it looked county.
It looks like it's definitely tastier than it actually is.
I had a moment this week where I almost called Austin.
Oh, oh my God.
In the middle of the night.
I like you almost called crying.
But I don't want to wake you up.
Shopify Channel Boost00:04:57
Well, but big move.
I wouldn't have waited.
And you specifically, you wouldn't have?
Oh, not because I wouldn't.
It was an emergency.
No, I know, but I just wouldn't have heard my phone.
Anyway, go on.
Okay.
You can call me.
You can depend on me.
I have to.
I'll leave my phone on ring now.
No, just live your life.
I'll be fine.
I called Maya.
Okay.
Oh.
Nice to know I'm second best.
Well, because I specifically needed your opinion because I have a story that's going to piss Austin off and is going to make you guys gasp some gusts.
Is it light bulb related?
No.
Okay.
But it is going to really tick him off.
Is it plane related?
No.
But you're going to like it.
I'm still going to be mad.
Okay.
Yeah, man.
Okay.
So, picture this: Sunday.
I am ready to go to this for you Emmy congratulation YouTube event to congratulate the YouTubers that were nominated for Emmys, which is really exciting.
Those YouTubers are nominated for Emmys.
Michelle Carrey.
Oh, yeah.
She was at BuzzFeed with me.
Mythical Morning.
Good Mythical Morning.
And somebody else.
Okay.
Shout out them.
Okay.
Anyway, they got nominated for Emmy.
Why are you invited?
It's crazy.
You're not even a fucking YouTuber.
What?
What?
That's crazy.
What?
I'm more of a YouTuber than you are.
That's literally untrue.
At least she has her own channel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have my own channel.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I post more on mine.
Bozo sound.
Not only does she have her own channel.
Hold them up.
Ban for ban.
Her channel's on time.
Yours is always late.
I always watch that content.
Yeah.
My channel is now uploading four videos a day.
Oh, okay.
Whoa, what?
Wait, four videos a day.
That sucks.
Wait, what?
Okay, that's like oversaturation.
I go quantity, quality over quantity type of thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, my God.
You are uploading four videos.
Yeah, my hours are gone.
It's crazy.
My hours have gone.
35k.
62k.
Never.
Okay, first of all, it's more than I get.
I'm kind of scared.
Well, I'm trying to be mean to him.
This isn't about an all 88K.
I'm not.
Yeah, when I was uploading once a day, I was getting 300K of fucking video.
Now I'm uploading four a day, and some of them hit, some of them don't.
Okay.
Well, I am a famous YouTuber.
Yes, so I was invited.
How many subs do you have?
Would you shut the fuck up and let her finish it?
573k.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
I am so sorry.
I have to do this.
We have to pause for one minute.
It's a three-point game.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
We have to do it.
Wait, New York Knicks.
We can just keep going through it.
The Knicks and the Pacers are playing.
It's the second game.
Bernie Gobert is on a different team, but he's pausing broadcast.
I'm a small woman in business and I use Shopify.
And I've been wanting to tell you guys about it because it makes it easy for my tiny little brain.
My brain's not tiny because I'm a woman.
It's just time me because how I was born.
But I have been able to accomplish many things because I use Shopify because it's available for everyone because business is full of way too many what-ifs.
How do I do this?
How do I do whatever?
And you know what?
It's solved with Shopify.
That's right, guys.
Turn those what-uffs into money and keep giving those big dreams the best shot with Shopify.
Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash fear.
Go to shopify.com slash fear.
Shopify.com slash fear.
Cha-ching.
Cutie.
Fuck the glass ceiling.
Yeah.
We do it.
Is that where you break?
You break it.
You break the glass ceiling.
Oh, shop ah!
Shopify!
Yeah.
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
We're back.
We're back on the fear and podcast.
Oh, yeah.
I just watched my son too.
Got my intro, but we're back.
I'm telling a story.
Put your phone down, son.
Freaking phone freaking days.
She was telling us a story.
Picture this.
I got invited to a party that Hassan didn't.
Yeah.
And then he got mad and he said, you're not even a YouTuber.
And I said, yeah, I am.
And then he mogged me anyway because I only have 500.
Wait, so why were you invited?
Despite not being a YouTuber or being a tiny YouTuber, would you please let her because my YouTube partner manager watches this pod and she loves me.
Wait, so you partner manager?
Yes, maybe if you lovable and did not invite any of the much larger or much more talented YouTubers that are.
No, because I'm lovable.
I'm so that I'm so lovable.
You're blocking.
I think he has a YouTube as well.
I don't know if he does.
I do.
I don't know if he does.
I put a lot of clips.
They're very successful.
Yep.
Very international.
Hey.
Very successful.
Works at YouTube.
Help me out.
Yeah.
Help people.
Honestly, help me out.
You want an invite?
It's just no, we want a boost in the algorithm.
They don't.
They're not going to boost the algorithm.
Ludwig Ate Onions00:08:30
They do that.
A little fucking shit.
Come on, Lol.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Okay, she's definitely not helping you now.
Oh, oh, she.
Well, I mean, could be she.
Could be, could be, I could be sucking her penis.
I don't know.
Wow.
Yeah, it's 25.
Yeah.
Incredible save.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Austin wants to cut the pen.
We're not cutting that.
No, there's nothing.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with what I said.
All right.
Yep.
Anyway.
So I was ready.
I had my cute little outfit.
I had this little suit dress.
It was awesome.
Sure.
And I'm walking out walking, walking, doing my checks because I have OCD.
So I got to check Coot's got to check.
Dirt's got to check Swift in that order.
Right.
So they're not, they don't die.
So they don't explode while I'm gone.
Exactly.
And as I go to check Swift, I look on the ground and I see Mongolian beef from last night, which if you don't know what Mongolian beef is, it's just beef and onions.
It was on the coffee table.
It's flipped and it's now on the ground.
Okay.
And I say, huh?
And I pick it up and it's empty.
And I go, oh, no.
And I go to find Swift and sure enough, he's got sauce on his face.
He's licking it.
So who did it?
So I think it was Coots.
No, no, no.
Onions are toxic to dogs.
Okay.
They could have like one or two of them.
They're not going to kill them.
Ludwig ate the beef out of the Mongolian beef.
Left all onions.
Majority onions.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm panicking.
So I'm like, oh, shit.
So I call Ludwig and I'm like, how many of the onions did you eat?
He's like, I don't know.
And he was like, I think all of them.
And I was like, you didn't.
Because I remember at one point looking over him being like, I should eat those onions.
And then I forgot and then they got left out.
Now Swift ate them.
Ew, you were just going to eat straight the onions.
Yeah, they're good.
They're good.
Yeah.
And they're sauteed.
Yeah.
It's good shit.
It's hot girl shit.
Yeah, it is.
You wouldn't know anything about it.
Yeah, idiot.
Yeah.
You're on your ugly boy shit.
On your tiny YouTube.
Swift is eating your tiny head.
Indiscriminate.
Yes.
Indiscriminate amount of onions.
Swift is eating a takeout container of onions.
And so then.
Thank you.
Moving this subject away from me.
We needed that.
Yeah, inserting yourself.
So I go to the, I get him in the car.
We go to the emergency vet, right?
I'm in the lobby.
I'm like, my dog ate onions.
It's empty.
There's like no one there.
So they're like, oh, no big deal.
They get his weight.
They get his, whatever I check.
It's not that bad.
I'm in the waiting room.
Yeah.
And then the vet tech comes out.
She's like, hey, I talked to the doctor.
And the doctor said for his size, he could eat three cups of onions and he'd be fine.
And I was like, ah, that's what I, then we're fine.
That's what I thought.
Yeah.
I'm like, oh, thanks.
And I was like, so I don't, what do I owe you guys?
And she's like, eh, you're fine.
We don't need to take you back.
Like, the doctor said it's three cups.
You're cool.
I'm like, okay.
And she's like, you can call poison control and they'll tell you what symptoms to look for.
Okay.
And then just like, you know, I'm like, awesome.
You know?
Perfect.
So I get in the car.
You call pet poison control specifically.
Okay.
It's a 45-minute wait.
So imagine like your pet's actually poisoning.
Yeah.
Isn't that crazy?
It costs $100.
Didn't they just tell you your dog's okay?
Well, they said to like look out for symptoms.
To call poison control.
Okay.
Wait.
Pet poison control.
Why didn't you just Google it?
I don't know.
Because I'm a hypochondriac.
I can't Google all the side I have onion poisoning.
You're following the instructions of the doctor.
Yeah, the doctor.
So you waited for 45 minutes and you took $100 for something that you could have Googled in approximately 35 seconds.
Come on, let's see.
I just, what is he doing?
It's just like weird.
It's just so strange.
Like, it's almost like he was there.
It's like he's hoarding money.
Yeah.
I just don't know.
I will spend $100 on the ASCP.
It's just like a waste of time.
It's for animals, Hassan.
I don't understand.
We're all on board.
No, I'm on your side.
I am not on board.
We're all on board.
We're all on board.
Bring bring.
They finally pick up the phone after 45 minutes.
And I say, hey, no, Biggie.
I already went to the ER, but they said to get some symptoms from you.
My dog ate some onions and blah, blah, blah.
And she goes, let me put you on hold and talk to the doctor.
I said, great.
I'm like, oh, my God.
Seriously.
Like, what is it?
And she gets back and she said, I don't know what ER you went to, but a dog your side could only have a fourth cup of onions.
And I go, uh-oh.
Oh.
But you might still be good.
Well, it was a lot of onions.
But the vet saw your dog.
The vet didn't come out of the office.
Okay, the vet tech is.
You would say that.
You would, yeah.
You would think that.
You would think, but poison control said otherwise.
And they are the poison experts.
The vet tech is more of an idea.
Hold on.
I'm going to be honest.
I would be more worried about the sugar and the Mongolian beef sauce.
Well, the beef onions.
Yeah, that's fair.
But they were more nervous about the garlic and the sodium.
Yeah.
Well, and the onions.
The doctor told you to call poison control and poison control said.
So they said, follow what Poison Control said.
And Poison Control says that.
And Poison Control says this.
Okay.
So I'm like.
Google probably wouldn't have said that, by the way.
I'm like, Frick.
And so I call the restaurant.
I'm like, how many onions do you put in this?
And they're like anywhere from two to three cups.
And I was like, fuck.
Fuck.
Because if Ludwig, because Ludwig's like, I ate most of them.
And I was like, okay.
A week cup.
A fourth cup.
It was a big container.
Yeah.
There's no earthly shot that they put three cups of onions.
Do you want to call the restaurant?
This is a cup.
I don't.
That is not sliced onions.
A what?
All right, one cups of onions is basically four whole onions.
Yeah yeah yeah, you're right.
They put four entire onions.
That's not Mongolian, are you?
That's onion barbecue, two to three.
That's a separate type of dish that you would.
For the record, I understand how this was an emergency and traumatizing.
He doesn't clearly understand the gravity of the situation.
They're telling me my dog is in trouble.
Yes, everyone's giving you wrong.
Dog is in trouble.
Are you a vet?
No, but i'm also not a chef at a Chinese restaurant.
But I have a brain and I know they didn't put three whole cups of onions.
She is.
What is she supposed to do with my due diligence?
What is she supposed to do?
How many onions did you put in this?
Every three?
No, you didn't.
Every part of the story, what is she supposed to do lied to by people on the phone.
What did you?
What is she used to do?
Challenge the vet, challenge poison control, challenge a chef.
Listen listen, it is an astronomical amount of onions, but I believe, I believe, I believe we're on the same page.
It's Mongolian beef.
Do you know how to make Mongolian beef?
You don't know how to make you don't make the son.
I know how not to make it and it's not with three cups of onions, okay.
So then I say crap.
They said what's your most exaggerated estimate?
And I said a cup.
Yeah, that's my most exaggerated estimate that my dog could have consumed.
And she said, then we need to induce vomiting.
And I said, okay, how do we do, Kitty what?
No he, it had been hours.
At this point, it had been one hour.
Well, it had been two hours.
There's no way you can get him to throw, okay.
Well, poison control didn't tell me that.
Poison control said it's time to induce vomiting.
Oh no, I said, okay, just for future reference, after like an hour you're not puking anything up.
I would like poison control to know that.
Okay, so what?
What do you do?
So they say, get hydrogen peroxide.
Oh, poor Swift, poison your dog.
Oh, my god you, poor Swift.
It said, get hydrogen peroxide.
And based on his size right, you do, a tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide no, down his throat.
No no no, okay.
Okay, the poison control told you to poison your dog.
No no no no, they were helping, they were helping, they were helping.
So I get hydrogen peroxide in a syringe, turns out dogs do not like hydrogen peroxide.
No one really tastes yucky.
And then they said you have to then run around with him for 20 minutes and then, if he doesn't throw up, do it again.
And then run around with him for 20 minutes and then call us with the results.
I said okay okay, this sounds like they're pranking you.
This sounds like your call got intercepted by youtubers.
So I give him his hydrogen peroxide, the first table.
It was hard, it was difficult.
He did not like it, he was freaking out yeah, and then we ran up and down the street.
I said, come on, We get home, no throw up.
Dog Poison Control00:15:25
I'm like, god damn it.
So then I give him a second tablespoon of hydrogen peroxide.
I hold him and I shake him like a cocktail.
No.
I just go bounce him like a baby.
Oh.
And then I put him down and he throws up.
And I was like, genius.
Was it all just bile?
It was majority foam from the hydrogen peroxide.
So he's gargling on foam.
Yeah, he throws up just like foam.
And then, sure enough, some actual throw.
It's like when you drink a lot of beer and you do the beer throw up and then you do the dinner throw-up.
Right.
So I'm like, he needs another throw-up, but we can't give him more hydrogen peroxide.
There was, so I picked, I had to go through it.
I put gloves on.
Don't worry, guys.
I put gloves on.
You didn't have to go through it.
I know.
So I put gloves on and I go through it and I measure and I pull out four onions that measure to an eighth a cup.
So if he ate four more onions, that'd be a fourth cup.
Girl, girl, I am sorry.
Eight strands of onions.
Yes.
There's no.
They don't have a fucking onion.
It's like you guys don't believe women.
What's going on here?
Do you have an onion?
What you are saying is wrong.
No.
No.
There are like finally in this pudding is fucking a cup of onions is like 50 slices of onions.
I'm getting measuring cups.
I don't, you guys are stupid.
And I'm going with her because I have to pee.
I think when your friend is spiraling out of reality, you can only go with them so long.
Someone needs to put an end to this.
This is.
Oh, she's grabbing my onions.
Oh my gosh.
We could also just Google this.
No, I know.
I already did.
Cutie.
A large onion might yield around one cup of onions.
We just Googled it.
I mean, that was what we said was the estimate.
So, uh, how you doing?
I can't believe we're fucking waiting on this.
This is crazy.
I mean, I don't know what to say anymore.
This is.
I'm just happy, Swift's.
I feel like half of this podcast is half of this podcast is entertaining the delusions of our gay friend.
Our gay friend and our woman friend.
Oh my God, knives scare me.
I'm a chef, Austin.
You just cut yourself.
I almost watched that.
I almost cut myself.
She said, I'm a chef, and then she hit herself with a knife.
Okay.
What's happening?
Everybody, chill out.
Knives scare me.
Okay.
Here, hold on.
This is easy.
This is easy, cutie.
It's more than a couple.
Look at that.
That's not how that works.
Why are your onions so overgrown?
Yeah, these are.
I don't know.
Why are you asking me that?
Okay.
Give me that fourth cup.
Wait, I know.
This, this, don't do this.
They knew.
Don't do this.
They said this amount would kill him.
This was the size of Mongolian beef.
Yes.
I don't think you're hung out with a dog.
My dog is 15 pounds.
That's like Farley.
Charlie ate an eighth of shrooms.
Your hands are going to smell so bad.
You're going to smell so bad.
But it's fine because we're going to go to Korean barbecue.
Watch your fingers.
You're coming.
Careful.
You guys are pissing me off.
Look at this rotten ass onion.
This is the oldest onion in Mississippi.
That's crazy.
Really?
We're really doing science.
No, this is important because I'm not going to sit here and let men value me.
Yeah, you're really showing everybody how normal and sane women can get.
It's not my fault.
You got a musty-ass onion, okay?
I don't know.
What is happening?
They said a cup would kill him.
They said, no, a fourth cup.
You said a cup.
No.
They said the first place.
The first cup, three cups.
The poison control said a fourth cup.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, I'm getting them back.
I'm getting them back.
Okay.
Stop laughing, Marsh.
Chill out.
Okay.
So the onion slices were big.
They were like, because we're thinking Mongolian.
Yeah, it's Mongolian beef.
Right.
And so.
It was cooked, too, right?
Yeah, but they were still this fucking big.
That's growing stuff.
And they were separated a little bit.
Yeah.
Because they were cooked.
Yeah.
Okay.
Don't say gross.
It's a fucking onion, you pussy.
It's just going to smell bad.
What's wrong with that?
It does.
It smells like an onion.
Okay, good enough.
Okay.
Okay.
That's.
And that's just onion.
That's not a Mongolian beef bowl anymore.
That literally doesn't make sense mathematically.
Do you think your Mongolian people had this much onion?
Yes, it did.
It's a fucking crack cocaine.
I know it's true, America.
But the beef tax is not that bad that it's mostly onion on your fucking Mongolian.
Look at the bowl.
We're losing sight of where she's getting this information.
Mongolian barbecue.
You have this much onion.
No, Maybe that's why Lomik didn't eat all the onions.
No, no.
Hold on.
There's super chance that there was this much onion in Mongolian beef.
Hold on, Hassan.
You're missing the point here.
When you cook onion, they're smaller.
Yes, well, there's that.
There's only one way to solve this.
What?
Call the restaurant, order the Mongolian beef, have it delivered here.
That's such a good idea.
Thank you, Marsh.
Okay, text Longwean asked.
Wait a minute.
No, we're doing this, Matt.
How many did you find?
Okay, four.
Okay.
And it equaled eighth a cup.
Four.
Cutie, this is like not even half of this.
That's not how it works.
Yes, it is.
No, this is not.
Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
Oh my gosh.
Yes, it is.
No, no, no.
Yes, it is.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You guys know nothing about cooking.
No, do not interrupt me.
Do not interrupt me.
What it says, it doesn't mean pressed.
When it says add a cup of onion, you're not fucking doing that, are you?
No, but you're measuring Jesse in their stomach.
Yeah.
No.
Yes.
Cutie, do you think she's the only person?
First of all, you're already hallucinating because that's entirely too many onions on a bowl of Mongolian barbecue.
You were ordering it.
Did you text Leto Express?
I text him.
I don't know if he'll text me back.
Okay, that's number one.
Number two, there's 0% chance that there was a fucking entire cup full of onions in Swift's belly at any given moment.
Can we move the knife?
He's not here big enough to eat an entire beef.
I'm going to keep the knife by you.
Can you fraud?
I'm afraid of that.
That's going to smell my support.
You smell next week when we're doing the podcast.
You're going to be like, why does the podcast run?
I've never complained about this.
It doesn't smell bad because I fucking make sure that I take all the trash out.
I'm done with that.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
So sorry.
You know what?
Don't eat it.
It's rotten though.
Yeah, it's nasty.
Why would you bring in a rotten onion?
That's all you got.
Why would you eat the raw onion?
It was also the skin.
You know what?
That makes me feel more like Swift might have eaten an entire onion.
Yes.
Because if a good homosexual man just threw a rotten onion in his mouth, I'm prompted.
This is going to be a death trap.
To be fair, what besmirch was.
I thought it was just an onion for eating.
Okay.
Okay.
So I find at least four slices in his vomit.
You see that?
That's a fourth cup, everybody.
Yeah, but again.
No!
There's a little air and you don't push it down.
That's not how measuring works.
That's how a stomach works.
I'm going to call poison control and ask them.
Okay, but I'm going to pay another $100 to ask them.
Okay, hold on.
Here's the deal.
We do not have $40.
Regardless of what we are debating.
Okay.
Cutie received information and she acted on the information that she was given.
There's two sets of information.
One told her not to panic and then one told her not to pay.
Yes, but the one that told her not to panic told her to call somebody for as much and that particular party control panic.
In the two hours in between ingesting the Mongolian beef and Mongolian onion.
Yeah.
So this is what happened.
How was Swift behaving?
So wait a second.
Okay.
He was fine.
But onion toxicity in animals causes anemia that doesn't show up for five to seven days and then they just spontaneously die.
Wow.
Oh fuck.
That's what I thought.
Where did you learn that?
WebMD.
Where did you learn that?
Google.
Oh, maybe you should have fucking went to Google first then instead of going to poison control.
Poison control told me that, but I just was pointing out.
Poison control told you to go to Google, huh?
No, no, no.
Poison control didn't go in Google.
Why'd you say you learned it from Google then?
Because he just pulled it up and I knew you would only trust Google.
Wait, how much is 0.5 of 15 pounds?
I don't know.
We can figure that out so far.
Which is roughly a third of a medium-sized onion.
Does that look like a third of a medium-sized onion?
This looks like.
Okay.
I don't know.
Regardless.
You don't know?
That looks like the hardest.
Put three times more than that.
Will that amount to a medium-sized onion?
I called a professional.
She literally called a professional and they told her what to do.
I would have done the same thing.
We're listening to female voices, Hasan.
No, no, no, hold on, hold on.
Here's the deal.
Yes.
If you are in the care, let me put this in human.
Let me translate this to humans.
Okay.
All right.
Let's say, hold on.
Let's say you go to the emergency room.
They say nothing to worry about, but we are going to refer you to a specialist.
You are now in the care of that specialist.
You talk to that specialist.
The specialist says, oh, shit, you need to do something.
You actually are in trouble.
You listen to that specialist because you have been referred to somebody who has a less knowledge on that specific.
What's a doctor for an animal called?
What's that specialty called?
A veterinarian.
Right.
Where did she go first?
That's right.
She went to the veterinarian.
Oh, okay.
But hold on.
Hold on.
But what did the vet say?
The vet told me to call the specialist.
No, no, no.
The vet said to call her.
She said her symptoms.
Just wait.
And then call it a chance.
Just wait.
Just wait.
Oh, really?
Because I'm about to be validated.
I'm just saying.
Swift is dead.
No.
So then I, so then I call, you have to call poison control back with the results.
So I have to call him and tell him how much he vomited and what was in it.
Okay.
So you have to wait another 45 minutes.
Oh, my God.
Even though they gave you a callback number and a case number.
So dogs are dying left in white.
Right.
There's no way.
Oh, my lord.
And so I call them back and I say, hey, this is what happened.
They say, shoot, that's not enough vomit.
You've got to take him to the vet to induce vomiting.
Oh, no.
They said you have to go back to the ER.
Oh, my God.
And so I go, okay.
Uh-huh.
Fuck.
So I go to the ER.
I'm at ER.
Now it's crazy crowded.
As soon as I get there, they take my dog back.
I tell them what happened.
They're like, okay, blah, Okay, so then I wait for an hour.
Yeah.
Were they panicky in their response?
Yes.
Why?
New vet who agreed that the first vet was wrong.
Not all doctors are good.
That's why you need a second approach.
Was he agreeing because you told poison?
Was she agreeing because you mentioned what poison control had said to you?
I gave them, you have to give them the poison control case number.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just following what I'm being told by professionals.
I'm sorry I didn't Google it and gamble.
I think this dog didn't have to vomit at all.
He just had alpha.
Well, well, it's well, we're listening to female voices.
I'm just trying to get it.
He had the dopest meal of his life only to be put through the fucking ringer through an eight-hour vomiting process like a medieval torture victim.
Yeah.
What did you do to this dog?
She is following instructions.
Following instructions.
Okay.
So, so then I'm there for two hours before they put me back in a room.
Right.
So now we're looking at, it's about, I think it's like this point, it's like 11 p.m. or something like that.
So they pull me back into the room and the vet comes in and the vet's like, hey, I'm so sorry to tell you this.
Your dog needs to be hospitalized and monitored overnight.
Because of all the hydrogen peroxide you've given your dog three lethal doses of hydrogen peroxide.
I'm not laughing, cutie.
I was just asking questions.
I don't agree with what he said.
They said, because it's been too long and we can't induce vomiting.
Right.
Which is what I told you that.
Yeah, but what do you want me to do?
I was like, okay, keep going.
Keep going.
If I would have induced vomiting when I first got there.
So, so, so what was the plan?
They had to give him charcoal.
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, no.
They fucking.
Okay.
So they had to, so he has to be hospitalized.
Okay.
And they have to give him charcoal.
And, and so they say, oh, it's too late to induce vomiting.
So we have to hospitalize it.
And you have to, we have to give him charcoal and we have to monitor him all night.
We have to watch his blood work, all that stuff.
And I'm like, okay, like, I don't have a choice now.
And then I was like, well, why didn't that vet, when I came in at five o'clock when this happened, why didn't that vet induce vomiting?
And they're like, we have no clue.
They're like, she goes, are you sure you came here?
This is why.
And I said, this is where I'm getting angry.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
We went in there and they said, there hasn't been a vet in there in 35 years.
So then, they said, are you sure you came here?
And I said, absolutely.
And they said, well, you didn't pay a consultation fee.
We don't have any proof.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I said, told me everything was fine and to leave.
So they didn't even check me in and I didn't pay a consultation fee.
She said, that's against our policy.
So they wouldn't have done that.
And I said, you can check their cameras because they did that.
Yeah, they were trying to avoid malpractice, suit.
I said, they did that.
So what are you talking about?
And then she's like, she's like, okay, I'll give you a few minutes because clearly you're worked up.
And I was like, excuse you.
I'm going to give you a few fucking minutes.
Excuse you.
Marsh, would you clear these onions, please?
We're done with.
There's a little piece here as well.
Are you fucking kidding me?
The audacity.
So then I'm in there.
Oh, I'd take him for everything they had.
A nurse brings me the paperwork.
Okay.
I fill out the paperwork, all this stuff.
They have a bottle of water.
Oh, I forgot to give you that for you.
I'll take one of those.
Two bottles of water, please.
I fill out all the paperwork as I'm filling out paperwork.
Another nurse comes in and checks on me and I'm crying because I'm pissed off.
And now they're telling me that my dog's life is a gamble, pretty much.
They're telling me that the charcoal is a gamble because the charcoal should absorb the toxins.
But if they don't absorb all the onion because they couldn't induce vomiting, we don't know if it's out of his system.
On the prerequisite, though, that there was a significant biblical amount of onion that he consumed.
A fourth cup onion.
If he had consumed like this is the doctor now making this recommendation.
Right, but under the doctor doesn't know how much onion is.
Vet Doctor Mistake00:03:43
Guys, the doctor, she went in, the doctor fucked up, poison control validated that.
And now a second doctor is saying that we don't know why that doctor said.
The inception point of this story will never actually, like, we will never realize what the truth is unless we order that fucking Mongolian barbecue.
He won't text me back.
Okay.
I can text him now.
My fingers aren't covered in onion.
Because once we find out that this Mongolian beef spot actually does not have a metric ton of onion in the fucking bowl, I think the story will take a new, a totally separate.
Okay, so you're crying.
So I'm freaking out.
They have validated that if the dog ate a fourth cup of onions, it's toxic.
Right.
Okay.
So I'm pissed because I'm like, they should have induced vomiting.
They come in to grab the paperwork.
And she's like, I'm just like, I'm so sorry.
Like, well, like, I can get the doctor to talk to you again.
And I said, I want to talk to the fucking doctor that was here at five o'clock that turned my dog away.
She described them, what they look like and everything.
Yeah.
And then, and so then the original doctor comes back in and she's like, I know you're upset.
Like, we're going to figure out who that doctor was.
Like, we're going to talk.
That's so against our policy.
We're going to figure it out.
We're going to talk to you.
And I was like, okay, like, fuck.
It's like one in the morning at this point, you know?
And, and so then they're like, do you want to visit with your dog before you leave?
And I was like, absolutely fucking lutely.
So then they bring my dog in and I'm with Swift and I'm there and I'm just like, love him.
I'm like crying.
No, no, no.
I'm just like stressed.
I'm so stressed.
Keep in mind, Ludwig's in Scotland.
I'm all alone during this.
Okay.
So I'm all alone.
I don't know like what to freaking, obviously I'm making wrong choices.
I don't fucking know.
What's he doing in Scotland?
Sponsor?
I think.
Scumbag.
Go on.
And so then I so then I'm there and then I look at my phone and it's been an hour.
And I'm like, you're telling me my dog has a toxic level of onions in him and you're not doing anything and you need to do charcoal right away to absorb the toxins, but you're not doing anything.
So then I walk out to the vet tech and I say, hey, apparently they need to put charcoal in my dog's stomach, but they just like haven't done anything.
And they need to act fast, but it's been an hour.
And they're like, they're like, oh, I just got off my 10.
Let me go see what's going on.
I don't know what's going on.
And so then I'm like, should I just leave this vet now?
Like at this point.
Are they competent?
Like, are they competent?
With Swift.
Yeah, with Swift.
Like, should I just take Swift with me and go somewhere else?
Yeah.
So I go back to my room.
See your signai.
Yeah.
I go back to my room.
I call another emergency vet.
I tell them everything.
I try to get their opinion on it.
And I'm like, should I come to you guys?
I said, the problem is.
Valid.
They said the problem is, is if you come to us that you have a two-hour processing time and they said that dog needs charcoal and four hours ago.
They said, so you should just stay there and just get the charcoal.
And I said, okay.
Okay.
So I stayed there and they came and got Swift and I left and then I sobbed my little heart out in the car.
And then I almost called Austin because I was going to say, did I make the wrong decision?
Here's the deal.
Cutie, let me break it down for you.
Number one, I'm so sorry for what you went through.
Number two, you're not paying that fucking bill.
I repaid it.
How much was it?
$2,500.
Give me their number.
What?
$2,500?
$2,500?
Okay.
Okay.
Here's what you do.
You take...
Guys, what do you want me to do?
I'm agreeing.
We're agreed, Jay.
$500?
Are you fucking shitting me?
Your dog eats all these onions.
You're just going to leave.
Out of your mind.
We're agreeing.
Two Thousand Five Hundred Dollars00:15:05
No, you are not out of your mind.
He is out of his mind.
Okay, I have a counter story to this.
Okay.
And I'm going to walk you through it very quickly.
Okay.
I'm playing basketball with Ted Niffison.
Okay.
Ted Niffison sometimes fouls pretty hard.
He's a very strong guy.
Okay.
He fouls me by hitting me in the chest like this.
Ha ha, we're laughing.
I'm like, that's crazy.
Like, what kind of defensive move is that?
He goes, oh, this is how I defend.
And he goes, ha!
And he actually pokes my eye out.
Okay.
He pokes me right in the eye.
No, just listen to the story.
He pokes me right in the eye.
Okay.
I go, oh, I think you might have like, you know, pushed my eye out of its socket or something because I open my eyes, I can't see out of my right eye.
Okay.
Yeah.
And then slowly.
Hold on, stop.
If QD are in this situation, we go to the hospital.
No, just usually what we do.
I'm going to walk you through.
You called 911.
I'm going to walk you through it.
This is the beauty of the human body.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what I did?
I didn't call the fucking government like a free healthcare hotline for eight hours.
I googled it.
I said, what is it if you get your eye poked and you have blurry vision?
And it came back with you have cancer.
Okay.
No, and it said that like you might have had, like, you might have had like a retina issue or something.
I don't know.
One of the nerves.
So it'll have gotten knocked out.
Seventh place.
And yeah, I couldn't actually, I did some, I did a couple self-checks.
I filmed myself like looking at my finger.
One of my, my right eye, the one that got poked out, was a little wonky.
It was not moving in the same speed as my normal eye, my left eye.
Okay.
Yes.
And what ended up happening?
Initially, I was seeing double.
When I closed my right eye, I was fine.
When I opened my right eye, I was seeing double.
The right eye was just wonky, looking whichever direction.
Okay, what the fuck did you do about it?
I didn't do anything.
My mom was freaking out.
She's like, you have to go to the urgent.
You have to go to the urgent rescue because your mom is a normal person.
Yeah.
And you know what I did?
I didn't go because it was improving over time.
So I was like, you know what?
I got to start this stream.
And worst case.
So how the fuck does this apply to her dog?
Your honor, you're human.
You can vocalize what you feel.
My dog can't tell me shit.
No, but like, I didn't actually go through the process of seeking out a healthcare professional in that regard.
But if I feel like there's a comfortable, if Google would have said to you that that eye could cause a blood clot, you could die instantly.
It told me to go to an emergency specialist immediately.
Well, then why the fuck would you not go?
Because it got better.
And now I can see out of my story.
Did not help our argument at any time.
Yeah, that didn't help you.
I didn't have mercy on your soul.
No, you would do something different.
Like you would do something different.
I wouldn't do anything different, but I'm not going to use that as an example of why Cutie's onion mania.
I did not verify.
You ate a poison bomb.
And you don't know if you're going to die before five days.
It's 50% poison.
No, it's not.
That's what they're telling you.
I call it a life light.
Can I give you my honesty?
Yes.
I think that given the variance and information you were receiving, you did the right thing.
I know.
Let me know.
No, because I'm going to start.
I'm going to start here and then I'm going to tell you the truth.
I'm going to start here.
No, because this is the baseline.
Okay.
When your dog's health is in jeopardy, you do what you got to do, right?
Here's what I think happened.
I think the poison control and the second doctor gave you more credence because they felt that you were hysterical.
And a lot of doctors are very worried about catching malpractice suits or having really defamatory reviews that damage their business.
But I was so chill on the call with poison control because I was like, it's no big deal.
I left.
They said three cups is five.
I think the second time you probably, I'm just giving you my honest opinion.
I think the second time you went into that vet, the reason that they denied seeing you before and the reason that they handled it with such extremely delicate gloves and agreeing with all the very dangerous assertions you were making about your dog is because they knew that if anything actually happened to Swift after they turned him away, then that they were liable.
Well, they already got a lawsuit on their hands because we're not paying that $2,500.
We're taking Mr. Spring.
Just giving you my honest take, but remember, I started with: if you get a variance in opinion and it's your dog's cat, I'll call Poison Control right now and they'll tell me a fourth cup.
Cutie, this is where they fucked up.
They told you they messed up.
So you're already in, you already have leverage in the situation to get your money.
You should have taken Swift to the vet or even fed him a biblical amount of hydrogen peroxide.
I gave him the amount Poison Patrol said to give him a lot of people.
To know none of the people that they're screwing over on a daily basis and they're paying all these medical bills with any justice.
Here's the problem.
The amount of onion that Swift consumed is not a deadly amount of onion, but you think it's a deadly amount of onion.
That's where the problem starts.
So of course the doctor is running off of your insane amounts of your overestimation of onions that you think was in the fucking Mongolian barbecue bowl.
But you're forgetting that I measured from his barf and it was an eighth cup from his barf.
I think the first thing we do is we write a letter from your attorney and we tell them, right?
We say, look, this is just a warning shot.
All right.
And then that's how we start the conversation to know that you're serious.
Right.
I don't want to sue them.
Well, you don't have to.
How many days ago was this?
This was Sunday night.
So he's past the dead.
No, we still have to get blood.
We have to keep getting blood.
Sunday night shit.
It's been six days.
Yeah.
We have to keep getting.
Well, you're going to need it.
You're going to need.
I don't even know what we're going to have to do.
We're litigating.
So we're going to have to.
Let me tell you what happened the next morning.
So I go and I pick Swift up as I'm waiting there.
You know, when you go to the vet and you wait for your dog to come out, like the door opens, you're like, that my dog?
No.
Yeah.
Come on, dog.
No.
I look up one time.
I'm that my dog.
And it's a Labrador retriever on his little bed.
I think coming out of surgery.
He's got blankets on him.
I'm like, oh, cute.
Okay.
You know, it's not my dog.
Two seconds behind him is a woman sobbing her fucking heart out with an afterlife care pamphlet.
What kind of vet office is just wheeling dead dogs past the lobby?
Oh my God.
Isn't that crazy?
Dogs die at the vet all the time.
Yeah.
Past the lobby.
I washed.
I washed it.
What do you want them to do?
Throw them out the back?
Do it in the bathroom.
At least throw a sheet on him.
They do.
They have the blankets.
Guys, there's back rooms.
You don't have to do it past the lobby.
I need to admit something.
What?
I can relate and feel a lot of empathy about all this because I love Farley so much.
But you have to remember the three of you.
I grew up in a farm family.
So my family would just shoot pets when they got sick.
Like the idea of going to the vet.
Like if Swift ate like that amount of onions, your dad is like, I mean, he would wait to see if the onions hurt them.
But I just want to make, I just want to remind you.
He would be like, start running.
The way that my family has typically dealt with animals, not Farley, because Farley is my child, so I'm learning.
But it's a different like we have barn kitties.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like we have cats that never come inside in their entire life.
One that was called Zipper lived to 20, was a mean cat.
I believe one eye.
Yeah.
It used to attack me at random.
I lived in fear of it.
I think it's still alive.
Speaker, Austin's going to sue Zip.
So I just, I just want to, I just want to, I'm trying.
If my empathy seems lacking, I'm sorry.
And I'm trying.
You're right.
No, it's fine.
I just hope both your dogs eat so much onion.
I hope your dogs eat onion.
Well, I'm not negligent.
See, this is why I like cats.
I don't live in a disgusting streamer house.
See, cats would never eat that many onions.
Also, I'm kidding.
Also, have you seen?
Have you seen my dog?
I talk shit.
She eats entire bamboo.
Hey, Kyle, come eat this onion.
Well, your dog is 200 pounds.
Yeah, my dog is 220 pounds.
She could eat a lot of onions.
Oh, cutie.
She probably has.
You did the right thing and you saved your I did.
So, I own the whole point was this: I almost called Austin at two in the morning to ask him if I should leave because I couldn't.
Because then the other vet was like, It's good you didn't call me because I would have told you to sue him.
I mean, you are still trying to litigate.
I think it's bullshit that she had to pay for that because of their mistakes.
It cost her more money.
Also, why didn't you, why didn't they just tell you to give the dog charcoal first?
Like, you could have just charcoal pilled him.
Huh?
I don't think no, I don't think it's like a dog-specific charcoal.
They said they had to monitor.
My lifelong philosophy is you should leave your medical issues in the hands of medical professionals.
And if whatever they suggest, you should go for it.
My family didn't used to take me to the hospital for like broken bones and stitches and stuff.
I think that that is wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I only went because my dad forced me when my pinky was a little chopped off.
Yeah, no, you guys are weird for that.
I've told you the story of when I caught myself with a pike fishing hook and they wanted to take me to the bar to have a fisherman pull it out of the house.
But see, that is an old-fashioned medicine.
Yeah, it's an old-time timing stuff.
My mom laughed at me.
She said, You look ridiculous.
She took a Polaroid photo.
I know, but we moved past that era.
I think now we're modern medicine has evolved, but a lot of people.
Give me a good leech.
A lot of this stuff.
I'm not like anti-medicine by any metric.
I'm not RFK Jr.
Okay.
But I will say a big chunk of the issues that our body has, you just knock out, you sleep it off.
No.
No good.
No, you're handling your, you have like a medieval perspective on medicine.
That's what they did back in the Stone Age.
The doctors just legacy urgent care.
We also have Zock Doc.
Yeah, we have Zock Doc.
The doctor alleviates the whole thing.
That was a good topic.
It was crazy.
That was the entire podcast.
Guys, I cried so hard that I didn't sleep the whole night.
And Loto was out of town.
And I didn't want to bother either of you to drive me because then the first thing you would say is, you didn't eat that much onions.
Wait, wait, wait.
Why am I not even in the question?
Because you're streaming.
Oh, this was during the day?
I would have drunk.
I had to go to the hospital to pick him up at 10 a.m.
If you had called me, I would have calmed you down.
I would have been like, you don't have to go to the doctor.
No, he'd already got the doctor.
You live really well.
No, you would have laughed.
So I didn't want to inconvenience.
I didn't laugh at all the facts.
I would have been like, dude, it's a niche.
My eyes were so swollen from crying that I could barely see the road.
Oh my God.
I would have driven you.
I don't have a car.
I was so sad.
I would have called Dobby.
I was so sad.
I would have called Dobby Dave.
Why are you laughing at my sadness?
Okay.
No, I get it.
I remember.
I think I told you I had to fight the fox.
Yo, gosh, don't tell me that story.
It breaks my heart.
I had to fight the fox.
Oh, God.
I know.
I can't.
I can't hear that one.
I feel like this is a little bit, you know, like self-induced.
Oh, come on.
Open up that wound again.
That's a rough one.
The story snowballed, I think.
Okay.
I've got the restaurant.
Oh, you did?
Oh, God.
This is going to be such a good autopsy.
We're going to have an autopsy.
Oh, God.
Onion gate.
Onion gate.
Regardless, I think it.
What?
I think it's irrelevant, whatever how many onions in there.
You were proceeding with the information you had.
Yeah.
Well, that's what I, because even Maya, Maya was like, maybe poison control are psychos, and they're like too on the ball about it.
You can't take that risk, though.
Yeah, I know.
I don't know what I was supposed to do.
When I was in the hospital with my stomach flu, they're like, I was like, what do you recommend I do, doctor?
And he said, well, I think to be cautious, you should stay overnight.
And what am I in the position?
You literally explained to us that it was more so like you just wanted to stay there.
No, it was not the case.
That was not the case.
You said it sounded like a night.
Doctor, what do I do here?
What would you do, doctor?
And he said, I would stay.
I would stay overnight.
And I said, okay.
And then they kept me for another night, right?
Two nights as I was shitting into a bucket.
Imagine that.
How horrible is that?
I have another show.
Shitting into a bucket.
I have another counterstop.
I'm not done with my story.
Shitting into a bucket and having to push a button.
When somebody comes in, imagine meeting every nurse.
And the first thing, impression they have of you is, here's my shit.
Okay.
In a bucket.
Could you have gone to the bathroom?
There was no, they segregated me away from everybody.
I have another story.
If you had gone home, you could have just used a toilet.
They told me I couldn't.
They said they recommended against it.
I didn't.
I stayed.
I don't stay.
They didn't.
No, you don't want to stay.
I'm telling you.
They kept me another night.
I think the worst piece of content we could ever do is the three of you softies spending a week with my mother and just absolutely being broke.
And if you had told me, if you ever told my mom she had to shit in a bucket, she'd go, just fucking kill me.
You can kill me.
I had to shit.
Why don't you just fucking put...
Do you know how many times my mom has pulled me aside and going, William, we don't do breathing tubes.
You fucking kill me.
My mother, starting when I was like 13.
Irish, mom, I might want to do a breathing tube after you.
Not in this house.
No, she doesn't want to be resuscitated.
Iris.
She's tough, bro.
She's American DNR.
Toughly.
I have another story for you.
I have another resuscitated all.
I'm looking for Edward.
The year is 2009, Coral Gables, Florida, Miami-Dade.
This is another goddamn eye poke star.
A song biker is an American.
I'm not sure for the first time ever.
A sound biker is an American.
That's hanging.
The University of Miami.
Not for the first time ever.
You were born in New Jersey.
Yeah, I know, but like for the, for, like, living now in the United States of America.
The year is 2009, Coral Gables, Florida, Miami-Dade County.
I'm at University of Miami.
Sure.
After Halloween weekend, I get, at the time, there is a flu that is spreading.
It's kind of novel.
People don't know what's going on.
I didn't realize that it was happening.
It's called the swine flu.
Yeah, I remember the swine flu.
Yeah, I do.
A girl I was hooking up with got swine flu.
So here's what happens.
I literally just couldn't hang out for you.
When you go like this, it means they're dead.
Platonic Soulmates Miami00:04:58
I thought she'd be like, she might be dead.
Yeah.
Later.
Not for the swine flu.
I am incredibly tired.
I don't know what's going on.
Maybe it's because I drank too much.
I don't know.
I knocked the fuck out.
I can't move for 48 hours.
Okay.
For 48 hours, I was stuck in my room.
I got up to pee one time in that entire process and I literally slept through it, crawled my way to the emergency room on campus, and they told me I had swine flu.
But basically, that first 48 hours was me going through the process of getting the swine flu.
Yeah, the hospital you went to on campus is the one that charged me $10,000, by the way.
That same hospital.
Yeah.
Well, regardless, it's funny how the world works.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
But my point is, you know, sometimes you sleep through it.
But I went to the hospital.
No, but no, no, no.
After that, like before the hospital, I was, I was, by the time I was able to get to the hospital, I could walk and I wasn't like dying.
So it was over.
The worst was over.
The older I get, the more quickly I go to the hospital.
Like every time I get a stomach flu, like the last time, the one when I ended up in the hospital, I went to the emergency room immediately.
Yeah.
Because I was like, I'm not dealing with this.
That's really what it is.
And they advise you to shit in the bucket again.
They they actually well, no, they called the ambulance from the they called an ambulance and I had took an ambulance ride.
It's a little dramatic.
I feel like we're so divided on this.
Do we have any subjects that can bring us all together?
Yes, I got one.
Oh, I got one.
Bring us together.
I got one.
Marsh, would you check your DMs from May 7th?
Did you order the Mongolia?
Yes, it's on the way for the Patriots.
Oh, wait.
Oh, wait.
Wait, no, no.
That was a fake clip.
The one from April 30th.
Google updated photo of JoJo CWA and Chris Hughes.
Remember, you've all been up to date on JoJo CW and Chris Hughes.
Aren't they very cute right now?
Oh, Marsh.
April 30th.
No, but it's weird.
She's like 10 years old.
I sent you something on April 30th.
Really?
She's a celebrity and she's a grown woman, too.
I don't think it's weird.
She's like 22, right?
I'm going to send it to you again.
If she was 18, I'd be more weirded out, but she's like.
That second one.
Look at him.
Mexico getaway.
After they said they're platonic soulmates.
I don't know about you, but we don't cuddle like that.
Well, we're not platonic soulmates.
Okay, rude.
What the heck?
I mean, we're friends.
Okay, not okay.
Is she like, do you want to be platonic soulmates?
I don't.
I thought this was like our group.
You're the one who always said you don't fuck with me.
I don't fuck with any of you.
Give me platonic soulmates.
I remember the name of you.
We're all platonic soulmates.
What's that?
We're all platonic soulmates.
Why are you bringing up old people always?
I need to talk about something.
I need to talk about something.
Folks, last time, it's been a few months since we've talked about Frankie Valley, and you thought that it was over.
But no, it's only gotten worse.
This latest video from Frankie Valley is disturbing to say the least.
She's dressed well.
This is really bad.
You thought it was bad before, but play the clip, Marshall.
Let the man die, dude.
What is this?
Play the clip.
He's dressed well.
Play the clip.
Keep in rhythm.
Oh, yeah.
He can't even move anything but his hands.
No.
I know.
Yeah, it's.
He's not even blinking.
He's lip-syncing, right?
That already shutting it the fuck down.
No, I think he's incredible.
It's time to retire, Frankie.
And who the hell is putting him on tour?
But yeah, that's elder.
Look up Frankie Valley's girlfriend.
What's your press doing?
Fucking name your price in 50 years.
Yeah, Frankie.
Frankie Valley, Marsh, has a girlfriend that I believe is a girlfriend.
Yeah, that's really young.
Frankie Valley.
Jojo's broke.
So what?
She's 83?
Like, what's really young for that?
This is his girlfriend.
No, no.
Is that a Photoshop?
Yep, that's his girlfriend.
Jackie Jacobs.
How old is she?
How old is Jackie Jacobs?
Probably like 60.
Yeah, okay, maybe it's not too problematic.
He's 89, though.
I mean, yeah, I don't think he's the exploiting partner in this.
Yeah.
Let the man get his nut off.
Therapist Acne Patch00:04:23
Stop right.
We'll never be platonic soulmates.
There's no way he's going to be.
Out of all three.
Out of all three of them.
Yeah, you're in last place right now.
Who are you cuddling with out of all three?
Austin.
Of course.
That's messed up.
He's so coarse.
Are you kidding me?
I'm a great cuddler.
No, he's an awful cuddler.
I'm so much.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm cuddly.
Are you cuddly?
Yeah.
I am so cuddly.
Like a teddy bear.
No, you're not.
You're like, you shave your whole body.
It's going to be freaking.
He's going to wear the shirt.
It's going to be freaking acne.
You're not doing skin on skin.
Acne patch on your titty.
What is he?
Oh, my God.
I don't want to puddle anybody.
Fucking sue me.
Sue me.
Why the acne patch?
Because I'm healing it.
Prize next weekend, Bazan.
I don't want to.
What's wrong?
What's healing it?
What's wrong?
We've lost it.
We've become those out-of-touch creators.
We're all insane.
What's wrong with my acne patch?
What's wrong with it?
You act like you don't get a fucking zit, huh?
Look at that.
I just don't put a star acne patch on a body acne.
I've never gotten a zit.
It heals it, Pazan.
I got a zit.
I think it's a good idea.
I think it's going to catch on.
Thank you.
These are my siblings.
What do you want?
I love them for them.
I love them for them.
They're diving.
They're never going to fucking change.
They're too fucked up.
My therapist said I can't Google things.
That's why I didn't Google the onion thing.
I don't have a therapist.
Wait, your therapist cut you off from Google?
Yeah.
What the fuck were you talking about before that was said?
Hypochondria.
Google.
Sometimes my shoulders hurt and then there'll be like cancer and I get stressed out.
Kitty, what's your latest obsession with hypochondria?
I haven't had time.
It's been my dog dying.
Oh, no.
Okay.
Yeah.
My dog isn't dead.
Mine's a brain tumor.
Oh, don't get me started on those.
I know.
I feel like.
How do you guys live like this?
We don't.
It's very stressful.
Well, you know what?
I tried taking ashwagandha, you know?
Yeah, I told you.
And then I start to feel like I feel like good, and then I feel like I sleep.
Where Black Panther's from?
No, he's a mushroom.
So you take, I take it.
And over the days, I'm like, oh my God, I feel so much better.
I'm not stressed.
It's a cortisol reliever.
And then over the days, I'm just like, wait, I don't care anymore.
And then I'm depressed.
Yeah, maybe you're taking too much ashwagandha.
But I'm just taking one pill.
Take half.
You could be sensitive.
I can't cut them into pill.
Well, look at the pill and see how many milligrams it is and buy a smaller dose.
Oh, fuck.
Okay.
I'm a doctor.
Wow.
On that note.
I'm proud of all you guys.
You guys, you know what?
We're doing all right.
Kids are all right.
Keep onions away from your dog.
Yeah.
Do you really think it looks that tacky?
No, I think it looks terrible.
No, it looks fantastic.
I wouldn't wear it in public.
We don't listen to her.
That's...
No, I shouldn't.
I go out like this in public, so you shouldn't listen to me.
No, you look hot.
You can't have a little skimpy skirt on.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going behind the paywall.
Onion gate will be resolved in part two.
You fucking episode!
I'm fucking crazy.
I think they're going to love it.
See you on the other side.
Patreon.com slash fear and peace.
You said that Ludwig when asked that he ate all the onions.
Now you said he didn't eat any onions.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to allow you to use the onions from half of this order.
Okay.
So I'm about to put half the order in a bowl.
Let me make a penis first.
Assuming that Ludwig really didn't.
Well, why don't you just measure all the onions and then put it in?
No, because that's because he didn't eat all the onions.
They're big onions.
All right, here we go.
What?
He wants to eat the meat.
Scientific.
Yeah, he's tainting.
Is this the halfway mark?
Yeah.
Austin show.
Yes.
This is Austin's penis.
You may eat.
That's not my penis.
You're spilling.
It's cutie as well.
I'm not going to lie.
There's more onions in it than I thought.
I will admit.
At first glance, a lot more onions in that bitch than I thought there would be.