Hosts of Fear Ann celebrate Christmas while debating privilege, contrasting Will's wealthy Turkish childhood with Cutie's reliance on food stamps. They critique racist reactions to migrant flights on Delta and discuss pilot salaries versus streaming careers. The group addresses internal grievances regarding excessive "dick talk," Taylor Swift obsession, and gender stereotypes, noting "twink" was Pornhub's top gay search term in 2023. Ultimately, the episode blends holiday cheer with raw discussions on financial stigma, family dynamics, and the hosts' evolving interpersonal boundaries before promoting a Patreon cookie test. [Automatically generated summary]
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Celebrate Christmas God Damn It00:02:16
Happy holidays.
Happy holidays to everybody.
Welcome to the Fear Ann podcast.
Happy holiday season.
We at Fear Ann, we celebrate Christmas.
If you don't celebrate Christmas, that's okay.
No, it's not.
Celebrate Christmas, God damn it.
It's America.
That's okay.
It's the American holiday for that.
Fuck you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, this is the only Christmas tree in Hassan's house.
And March brought it today.
And March brought it.
He doesn't, I was disappointed for the lack of Christmas decorations in your home.
Why doesn't your Lebanese ass buy it for me then?
How about that?
What do you mean?
Why would I buy your Christmas decorations?
And why does Lebanese have to do with that?
I brought you guys Christmas presents.
You're right about that.
Well, there's Lebanese Christians.
Wait, what?
Finally.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You bought us Christmas presents?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I feel like such a dick.
I didn't buy it.
My chat did.
My chat.
You're fine.
Okay.
I didn't buy anything for you guys for Christmas.
I'm not.
My chat picked these up.
Oh, my gosh.
Is it for us?
I was not expecting anything.
Like, what?
I don't think you'll like it.
Is this a magic wand?
Why is it?
It shoots fire.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
How cool is this?
Santa shirt.
Oh, my God.
Oh, this is.
Oh, wow.
An ugly Hawaiian Santa shirt?
I love that.
Wow.
I'm not even joking.
I'm not such a wand.
Why?
I don't know.
I'm not even.
I love it, though.
Yeah.
I was taught.
My mother taught me at Christmas.
It lights on fire.
You can light stuff on fire.
Oh my God.
Do I have to plug it into a USB?
You can shoot stuff and it lights on fire or something.
Cutie so much.
Cutie.
I got you.
I will.
I also got you a Christmas gift.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
It's this.
Buttercup.
And I also got you a Christmas gift.
I thought that I would get you Cinderella on VHS.
Oh, my God.
Thank you guys so much.
You're welcome.
Merry Christmas to you.
It's no big deal.
Welcome back.
You know, happy Hanukkah.
Wait, you're putting your Christmas gift back.
Awesome.
Yes.
Figure out how this works and light something on fire.
Well, you have to plug it into a USB.
I'll do it later.
Okay.
On the Patreon, we'll light something on fire.
Yeah, we'll light something on fire on the Patreon.
Thank you, Cutie, so much.
I'm just going to plug it in.
You know, it is the Christmas.
It is the holidays.
I'm going to give it to Marsh for the love of the children.
Oh, thank you.
I'm going to put mine on.
I'm going to put mine on.
This is...
My mother taught me.
Just put it down.
I'm going to kill myself.
Bullying in Public School00:07:17
My mother taught me.
Oh, Christmas.
Oh, Jesus.
Marsh broke out.
My mother taught me that every gift that I receive, no matter how I feel about it, I need to be so excited for it.
Oh, really?
If you look at my.
I didn't hate that wand.
No, no, no.
No, you will never know.
Every holiday, if you look at my videotapes from when I was a kid, it's me going, oh my gosh, I love it.
That's so funny.
Every time, because she taught me, she said, Austin.
She's a good mom.
Yeah, you do not.
You give everybody a hug.
You let them know how much you appreciate it.
And you thank them for the gift that they gave you.
Dude, my mom let me be a stone cold bitch at seven.
She shouldn't have let me do that.
What do you mean?
She let you like just not like it?
Yeah.
I guess, okay, I think this haunts me to this day.
I don't know if anyone else has this.
I grew up poor.
And so like what you got.
I can't.
Don't complain.
Yeah, I agreed.
I feel like you weren't poor.
You want to know how I grew up?
I didn't grow up poor.
What car did your dad have?
He actually, my dad actually drove really beater cars.
Like my, I remember in my, we had a 1988 gold Volvo, a 1989 Volvo.
A Volvo sounds nice.
But yeah, but this was in like two, it was like a four.
We drove beater.
I was born in 2000.
No, no, no.
No, but I was born in the mid-90s.
So he's driving a 1989.
Yeah, but in 1980.
What is happening?
This was early.
This was early 2000s.
Like mid to late 2000s, we were driving 1980s cars.
Oh, my God.
No, but I'm not saying we were poor.
No, it was just different.
No, no, no.
No, it's cool.
Here, I'm going to say it right now.
I'm going to say it right now.
I was just thinking about on the plane as I was flying up here.
Or down here, I have so much privilege.
Uh-huh.
I have so much privilege.
One time I had to get a tetanus shot just because I accidentally closed my dad's truck door on my finger and it's full of so much rust.
No, you weren't.
I had to go get a tetanus shot.
You were definitely like.
Well, Hassan, you weren't broke.
You were rich.
No, I was.
So, okay.
So here, here's the rankings.
Will was the wealthiest, 100% by a wide margin.
Then either myself or Austin, I guess myself, considering that I was in Turkey.
So my family's, the amount of money my family made in comparison to the global scale is probably Austin, what are you doing?
My pants are happening.
You are straight.
He is just taking his cock out, dude.
He's like, yeah, what's up?
I heard what Cutie Cinderella said about too much dick talk.
It's time to fucking put it on the table.
I talk shit on this podcast.
Yeah, my bad.
Yeah, I'm going to get to that.
Don't you fucking worry about that.
This Christmas gift that I'm currently wearing is restricting my fuck.
Let me tell you something, okay?
I got some thoughts about it.
You got some canons on there.
I got some fucking thoughts about your slander on this pod.
I like talking shit.
But before we get to that, I think, like I said, Will's definitely wide margin, wealthiest.
I would say Austin's family and mine are probably in comparable net worth, but I did live more comfortably than he did because I grew up in Turkey.
Yeah, I mean, I live very comfortably.
And then Cutie was broke as fuck.
Fuck, get your money out of Cutie's family.
I used to bully people like Cutie.
What?
For being broke.
Really?
No, I never bullied people.
I never did.
Because everybody around me was rich.
I got so bullied.
I'm broke.
I was upper middle class, I like to say.
I was bullied for being rich because of no, I mean, no, no, no.
Like, it's not, I'm not saying that that's like, oh my God, it's so sad for me.
But it was a very, it was like a wake-up moment for me.
My family took me out of private school and then put me into public school.
And I, and I thought.
Crazy sentence.
Yeah.
My family took me to private school and put me in public school.
And like public school in Turkey is different.
Okay.
It's not like in some ways it's, I would say better.
Like education overall in Turkey is like pretty, it's decent, right?
But it's, you know, it was, it was public school in Turkey.
So that's the first time I actually like literally went to school with someone of a dramatically different socioeconomic background.
And I realized like, oh my God, like the fuck, my dad's not doing anything different or strange that like we live in a much nicer house.
And then like these dudes are fucking super broke.
And then one of them tried to kill me.
One of the kids.
Oh my God.
That was me.
For being, for having money.
Yeah.
It was more so.
I think he's just like, did not like me.
And I had to come from private school.
He was a conservative.
He was in a small school.
Everybody fucking, bro, we were like in fucking sixth, seventh grade.
That's what he was.
Conservative.
I thought that was a good idea.
I thought maybe, I mean, I thought maybe it was like some sort of political related hate crime.
No.
He followed me home with a knife.
Jesus Christ.
Because I walked.
What a fucking psycho.
That's just a T-shirt.
But also, like, at the same time, like, Cutie was the one following people.
If you didn't take a knife to school, you weren't getting home safe.
I'll say that.
I don't know how to describe it because it's like, it's not as scary as it sounds.
I mean, in the moment, I thought it was scared, but I was like diffusing it.
He didn't know where I lived.
So I was just walking home while also talking to him, but also making it seem like I'm not walking home.
But because I was super late to get home, my mom was outside by this point.
Oh, and she just had a gun.
No, she just yelled like, what are you doing?
Like, she was like more mad at me, I guess, because she thought I got like lost or something.
Oh, that's funny.
I was like fucking around.
So she was like screaming on the street.
And then when the kid saw my mom, he was like, oh, fuck.
And he ran away.
Funniest justice, I guess, in this situation.
No, he, of course, everybody learned about the occasion.
So the principal in front of everyone like grabbed him by the ear, made him cry.
Oh, shit.
And like made him apologize to me in front of the school.
Called him gay.
No, I don't think he called him gay, but that would have been par for the chorus.
That's what they do in Turkey.
How do you know?
I literally saw the article about the president calling his opponent gay.
Oh, yeah.
No, and then we do that in America too.
What do you mean?
Yeah, no, but he called, get this, cutie.
The Turkish president called his opponent gay and then proceeded to win the election because of it.
That's awesome.
Yeah, they were like, yeah, this party is gay as hell, dude.
What the hell?
If I ever run for president, I'm doing that.
Yeah, yeah, I know, me too.
100%.
Me versus Hillary.
Well, I mean, they could, yeah, they'd say it to me and it'd be true.
But yeah, I was, um, I was definitely, I was definitely affluent growing up, specifically because it was like in Turkey.
There's a massive, very traditional American suburban life, like white picket fence sort of life.
But I grew up in a very diverse area.
A lot of Indian and Asian kids.
It was, that was the predominant actual.
I was the only white kid in my grade.
Like all of elementary school.
Yeah, but that's a different kind of diversity.
And then I bust.
What he's talking about is like tech diversity.
Migrants on the Flight00:06:19
What you're talking about is like, you know, you were broke.
We were broke.
But then I started, I took the, I took the public bus when I was 12, 13 to go to middle school 45 minutes away.
Yeah.
See, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm just going to say, I can't relate with that.
Yeah.
Well, one time this kid on the bus dared me to eat gum off the window and I did it for a dollar.
Yeah.
I just think, like, like, I think, like, uh, it was scary, but it made me.
I had a, I made you who you are.
But look at you now.
Look how successful you are.
My boyfriend's so rich.
Yeah, I will tell you this much.
I'll tell you this much.
Like, I, for me, public transit was, was liberation for the first time.
Maybe that's why, maybe that's why I like fucking social safety nets and shit so much.
Cause like, um, I had a very like, I have very restrictive parents.
I've talked about this before.
Like, they didn't want me to play video games, yada, yada, like classic shit.
And then beyond that, like, I couldn't go anywhere.
I had to go everywhere with like a person, like a handler, basically.
That's crazy.
Jesus.
Until I was in high school, in which, at which point, like, I started taking public transit.
My dad was like, you're not allowed to do that.
But I started just like sneaking out.
You're like, I love trains.
No, I fucking, I do.
I love the bus, dude, because it meant freedom.
I could go to the fucking city.
I used to want to be a bus driver.
I, what?
That's cool.
When I was a kid.
You could still do it.
I mean, I mean, it's not my dream anymore.
No, it might.
You can work on it.
I'm still, I'm considering becoming an airline pilot.
Oh, yeah, you should do that.
I'm thinking about quitting streaming.
And so what you're doing now.
And then starting a career in aviation.
I hear pilots are making bank these days.
You see what the pay rates for pilots on Southwest Airlines?
Like, I was looking.
Well, anyway, the pay rates got released recently for Southwest Airlines.
Southwest Airlines pilots at a base pay for a first officer, $140,000 a year.
Wow.
On a base, on a, um, and their hourly pace.
This is speculation based on how many trips you take.
But on a conservatively, 140,000 a year, on the high end, some of these pilots are making, could be making close to a million if you get a lot of a lot of hours in.
What I'm thinking about is starting a content series where I learn how to become a pilot.
I go through the training.
I film myself or live stream myself flying and training.
And then eventually I just say, kiss entertainment goodbye and I become a commercial airline pilot.
Yeah.
I think I could get a job.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You missed a mouth.
You looked cool though for a second.
You don't think so?
No, I think you get a job.
I don't think you could film yourself doing it.
No, no, no.
I wouldn't film myself flying.
Delta, he does.
He stops filming.
He quits streaming.
So basically, what you're describing is because you've already done the quit streaming part, you would just get a job.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, no, no.
I'm with you on that.
You should get a job.
No.
Wait, hold on.
Hold on.
I do have a job.
This is my job.
I'm at work right now.
This is the Austin show.
I'm at work right now.
Oh, true.
Yeah.
You're on my show.
That's right.
Speaking of which, the podcast or I'm going on that the what country were they from?
Kazakhstan.
Kazakhstan?
I think it's like Kurdizan and Kazakhstan.
By the way, they posted a clip and people were very angry that I called it Central Asia.
Drama.
That's not wrong.
Hey, people.
Don't be mad at him.
But they told me when they messaged me, they said we're a Central Asian podcast.
You're absolutely right.
Okay.
It is Central Asia.
But they told me that, I don't know, people were angry about it.
Anyway, regardless, they're coming to LA at the first part of January.
I'm going to be on their touring show.
I'm proud of you for this accomplishment.
Yeah.
You're about to make big, make bank and thank you for helping our podcast grow.
You're welcome.
We're tackling the Central Asian market pretty big.
Yeah, this is going to be huge for us.
I just wanted to let you guys know.
So speaking of airlines, I guess there was a little bit of political drama, politics drama.
I could throw this in your direction.
I love TV.
I love politics.
And planes.
Or we don't have to.
No, let's do it.
I like that series, but there was a March, you want to pull up my tweet.
Oh, the migrant thing.
So obviously, like, you know, Democrats, migrant crisis, big things happening.
People are trying to come into the United States of America.
So one thing that like Red States have started doing was they originally started busing migrants to like Chicago or New York or Martha's Vineyard for political gain, which is like human trafficking kind of really fucked up.
But now they've started putting some of the undocumented migrants like waiting for processing on Delta Airlines.
And this lady found out that it turns out here, let's watch the video.
It turns out there's migrants at the airport.
Airport right now.
I'm waiting to board my flight to New York to JFK.
And it looks like we have a whole lot of migrants who are also boarding this flight that the U.S. taxpayers are paying for.
This is what the U.S. taxpayers are paying for right here.
Premium seats on Delta that they have people coming here.
We're paying for this.
Premium seats.
Shipping them out to New York City because guess what?
Everywhere else is at capacity.
So they have these sanctuary cities like New York that they're now shipping these migrants to that we're all paying for.
Wait, that seems pretty cool.
Why is she mad?
She's mad.
She's mad because she's racist.
And like, this really banged on Twitter.
People lost their minds.
So then I quote, tweeted, I said, I can't believe there are migrants on a flight in an airport.
Like, it's like, dude, it's like going to a pool and being upset that you got wet.
Like, if you are a racist person, there is one place you are guaranteed to find foreigners at, and that is a motherfucking international airport.
Like, what the fuck?
And then she goes later, she goes and complains to the gate agent.
Yeah.
And then the gate agent's like, they're human.
The Weight of Food Stamps00:12:36
Yeah.
And also, what the hell is the gate agent supposed to do about that?
Yeah, the gate agent's like if you're a migrant.
You should kill them.
Yeah, you should kill them.
You're right.
I'm going to deny them boarding.
You're absolutely right.
Everybody who's a migrant is not allowed on this flight.
It's like, what an insane, what an insane fucking way to approach this subject matter.
And yet, you know, that's the state of discourse in America right now.
It's just like, oh, these people are fucking foreigners.
And also, can I say something about this?
It seems to be to me that the people that pay the least amount of taxes complain most about paying taxes.
Is that like, you know what I mean?
Just like you, Austin.
Wait, hold on.
Now, hold on.
I pay my fair share of taxes.
I think I pay a little too much, but I do pay my fair share of taxes.
And I think it's a responsibility as an American citizen to do so.
I pay the most taxes.
Oh, yeah, probably amongst us.
You willingly.
This guy loves to pay taxes.
I get.
It's so funny because the IRS is the IRS is sending me so many checks.
Why?
I just overpay.
Do you cash them?
Yeah, sometimes.
He doesn't even know.
He doesn't even know what, how much, how much money do you have?
Do you even know?
No.
I have no idea.
He has no idea.
He's so rich.
You are such a high level of rich.
No, it's not that.
It's just like, I know.
I've talked about this quite a bit.
I'm sorry to cut you off.
No, I'm trying to get better at this.
I want to say one thing and then I'm going to throw it back to you.
It's not because like for me, I've always been like, all right, once you get to a certain level of like rich, once you get to a certain level of finances and you have like a comfortable lifestyle, then who gives a fuck?
Like, I don't give a shit about making money.
I care about, I care about staying relevant and maintaining an audience and like being able to talk to as broad a community as possible about these political things that I talk about.
Because I feel like that's, that's what's most important.
And money obviously comes on top of that.
And that's a luxury to be able to say because I was broke when I first started in Los Angeles, like very fucking broke.
And yeah, money isn't everything is a luxurious thing to be able to say.
Not having it is.
The funny thing is Emma Chamberlain just had an interview recently and she was like, I don't even know how much money I have.
Like, like, I don't, I don't need to see it.
Like, I don't, I don't need to buy a yacht.
I don't need to buy a nice car.
You don't need to buy a yacht.
She was saying it like, she was saying it like, um, she thought she was being woke.
Yeah, she thought she was being woke, but it's like, you have to be so fucking privileged to not know how much money.
Like.
No, 100%.
I know how much money I have.
No, for me.
You're still privileged.
Yeah, you're like, profoundly wealthy.
Austin.
The thing is, like, what I was, of course, what I was trying to stress is not that, like, I, so are you.
Like, I'm so woke.
I don't care about how much money I have or anything like that.
What I was trying to say is I've been in a situation where like, yeah, I had to fucking budget every month and I was always in the motherfucking red getting hit with overdraft fees, trying to make sure that like, that's the scummiest shit, by the way.
I think like overdraft fees are fucked up.
If I was president, I would get rid of those.
I'd get rid of stupid mailers.
I would have Pizza Friday and I would happen.
It came out of fucking nowhere.
I'm going to amount.
I'm just kidding.
What did she do to you recently?
Did she not show up to the Christmas concert?
Because she didn't.
I just was, I just couldn't think of anyone else.
I'm sorry.
Me on a watch list.
You're definitely.
I don't know what you stand for, but I'm sure you're fine.
You're getting put on the no side list.
It was a joke.
Who else could I?
I don't.
I'm not going to answer.
I was going to say, but I.
Oh, my God.
You can't say that's one person.
You definitely.
We should probably cut that up.
You are not allowed to say that is the one thing you are.
I don't even cut that out.
It's fine.
We're safe.
That's how much I do.
I just, I mean, he will definitely.
You can say that.
You can say that in a light breeze, but you can't say that.
Just quit saying that.
I haven't said it.
You cannot say I don't want to go to jail.
You cannot say that you want to so hard.
My hair is on your mic.
Oh, I want to fucking hard.
I can't wait.
Anyway, if I was president, I would get rid of the.
I would, I forgot what I'd get rid of, but I would do that.
You said you'd get rid of mailers, which I fucking cutie Cinderella 2024.
Oh, overdraft fees.
Yeah.
They're cringe.
I did all that shit.
I think like for me, I realized that like I had made it and I was like financially secure and comfortable when I noticed that I called an Uber and I didn't have to like do the mental calculation of like whether or not this was going to destroy me finally.
You didn't walk on your Chipotle and not hesitating.
That's when you've made it.
That's when you can sub to the Patreon.
If you're not doing that, don't give us your money coming.
It was, that was when I was like, oh shit.
Like for the first time ever, because for the first time ever, I felt like, oh, I don't have to worry about this.
And that's what a lot of people don't understand if they come from like a relatively privileged background, which I came from a very affluent background and then was very broke along the way for a decent chunk of that time post-college.
And the difference is like when you're, when you don't have a lot of money, it's like a weight on you at all fucking times.
When you don't have a lot of money, there is, you know, a not insignificant one additional minute of mental calculation that you probably do 100 times throughout the day.
That's 100 fucking minutes where you are literally thinking, can I do this?
Can I not do this?
All of that goes away when you get to a certain level of financial security.
And that's why people say that you're like, there's a happiness metric, I guess.
And having a shit ton of money inevitably leads to diminishing returns with respect to happiness.
But there is a certain amount where it like shoots up.
If you go from zero to, I believe it's like on average, like 75,000 when the last time they did this study, and it changes for depending on where you are in Los Angeles, that would be like around 100,000, whatever.
Up until then, money and happiness go up identically.
Like it's like the more money you have, the happier you are.
And then once you hit that, it's just like, yeah, I think it changes from worrying about your day-to-day purchases to how long can I buy these things for?
I remember when I made $10 an hour, I would like buy a burrito that was $12 and I'd be like, shit, that's an hour of my day.
And I'd be like, oh, it's not worth it.
Like, I remember thinking of things as hours in my day.
I remember having a debate with my grandmother on the phone about whether I should go and get this smoothie.
Really?
I was like, it's $10.
I don't know if I should buy this.
I really want it.
I'm craving it.
And my grandmother's like, oh, honey, just live a little.
And I was like, okay, you know what?
That's fine.
I'll do it.
I was sweating it.
I was on food stamps for a bit.
I just feel like a piece of shit talking to you about this.
No, no, do it.
I just never, because I never cut you actually broke.
You had like such like a there, like you had.
I just didn't, I didn't have a choice.
It was normal to me.
That's I know, but like I'm sitting here like, oh, I wanted to buy a smoothie and you're just like, I couldn't eat.
No, food stamps were hype.
I know, I know.
Food stamps are awesome.
They were so cool.
Yeah, they were so cool.
When I, so what happened was I, I, um, uh, quit my, I was in a corporate management job that I was making a lot of money and it was great.
And then I quit because I wanted to live my dreams of being a pastry chef.
However, being a pastry chef, you make no money.
Um, and until I climbed the ranks and became like the wedding cake designer and all that shit, then I was able to make more, but still not livable wage, genuinely.
Um, uh, and so then at one point, I, you know, because I went before I jumped, essentially, I would work my bakery job from 5 a.m. to 8 a.m.
And then I'd go work my nine to five in corporate management.
And then, so like eventually I was like, okay, I'm gonna just go full time at the bakery.
And they were like, yeah, like, you know, you're fine.
And by a lot of, it's funny.
I was like, oh, I was making a lot in corporate management.
I was making like 60K, but that felt like a lot to me at the time.
And so when I quit and did the bakery, they told me that they were going to have enough hours, but then they just didn't.
And so then I was screwed.
So then I'd go in and I'd pick up like dishwashing shifts.
I would do anything I could to like just make money because I lived on my own.
And, but yeah, I had to go on food stamps and it was, it was, food stamps are awesome.
Thank you.
I agree.
They're so sick.
They're such a like, if you're struggling, I, cause I always felt like ashamed at the idea and I'm really happy that I did it because I would have been fucked if I had that broke boy mentality.
Yeah.
This is something I stress all the fucking time.
Rich people expect government handouts.
Rich people get mad when they don't get subsidies or tax cuts.
That is broke boy mentality.
Only in the United States of America, or I guess globally, where poor people feel ashamed for getting government assistance.
And there's this genuine stigma associated with it.
And it makes no fucking sense, dude.
What are you talking about?
Rich people get billions of dollars in subsidies for agricultural production.
Half of the fucking economy in the United States of America, half of our productive output directly relies on taxpayer-funded subsidies.
And these motherfuckers are not going, oh, that's too much money, sir.
Please don't give it to me.
You saw with the PPP loans during the pandemic.
Everybody complained about like people getting Trump bucks, right?
$2,000 is so much money.
Every business, every small business owner got a PPP loan to the tune of millions of dollars, never really used it on what it was supposed to be used on, which was wages for their employees, right?
And they never even got punished.
Or if they didn't use those loans on their employees, the government was supposed to collect that with interest or very low interest regardless.
It was a very sweetheart deal.
The government never even collected it.
So they just gave free money to fucking business owners, millions of dollars of free money to business owners.
It was bullshit.
Anyway, I know we're not supposed to be talking about politics.
But yeah, I'm glad that you, as someone who was a beneficiary of like, as someone who, you know, used food stamps and advocating for them.
Did you use food stamps, son?
Oh, I never did.
For me, I had, they give you like $120 a month for food stamps.
Yeah, some guy at my gym said that he found like $1,500 to $2,000 worth of food stamps.
And they called him and they're like, you have to use this by this time.
And he didn't even know he had it.
It's confusing.
And he, yeah, I don't know.
And then he said he was going to buy, like, just he went to Costco and just stocked up on me.
Yeah.
I say, good for you, man.
And he's a veteran, which I really appreciated.
Yeah.
I never got, I never used food stamps.
I would hit the manager's special.
For those of you who don't know, if you go to Ralph's or Broger's or Walmart, I think most of these places have it.
There's an aisle called the Manager Special.
There's a freezer full of chicken and all these other protein that is like half off usually because it's like near expiration, but it's not like actually fucking expiring.
I mean, I highly recommend it.
It's just legally about to expire.
Yeah, I just, but it's not like actually yeah.
So I would just fucking oof.
I would stock up on my proteins at all the different grocery stores that had manager specials.
Little quick, easy tip for the broke boys out there.
Talking About Dick Too Much00:14:19
Well, this is a this is our financial advice podcast.
Get your money up, not your funny.
I'm touching my Maya.
I'm touching Maya.
Unless you really love her, like your podcast that you actually love.
Let's talk about it.
Cutie Cinderella sex time.
I love the bird.
I'm just fucking shit on this podcast.
Yeah.
I have made the mistake of being sexist.
Well, no, that's not a mistake.
What?
I have made the mistake of rating a cutie Cinderella.
And every single time I do it, I'm getting fucking shafted and shellacked.
Yeah.
Not even by my enemy, your boyfriend.
Yeah.
But by my co-host and friend.
No, I switch.
Which is crazy.
But I'm aware, so it's okay.
You're two-faced.
It's so bad that like Ludwig ends up defending me.
Did he?
Sometimes, yes.
Even he's like, okay, I wouldn't go that far.
Well, okay, so what you said that thing about Sarah Payne.
Judy, what sort of things do you say?
And do you, do you exclusively shit on Hassan or is it me too?
Oh, it's just Hassan.
No, it's not.
Oh, no, it's you too.
No, it's you.
What about Will?
When you talk about Dick too much, Will's not even here.
Oh, speaking of Dick.
I don't think he's my co-host.
Speaking of which, so I've got this beautiful, wonderful, natural esthetician.
Okay.
She's in her 70s.
Yes.
Okay.
We've talked about her.
Yeah, we've talked about her.
She's in her 70s.
If you don't know, she watches this podcast.
She's in her 70s.
She always, because I go in and get my facials every couple of weeks and she always tells me about what we talked about.
I'm always super impressed because she gets really far into the episodes.
Like she'll talk about all the things that we talked about.
And recently, I asked her, I said, hey, did you see this last week's episode?
I gave you a shout out.
And she's like, I didn't see that.
I said, oh, okay.
Did you, you know, did you not have time to watch it or whatever?
And she's like, no, I turned it off because you guys were talking about Dick too much.
And she's like, I felt, she's like, I felt as if I shouldn't be listening to this right now because I feel like you wouldn't want me to hear you talk about your penis as extensively as we did.
And so, and it struck me.
I said, wow.
My gosh.
When she says it, you listen.
Yes, she's also a woman.
This is so, this is so incredibly met up.
This is so incredibly meta.
Why?
Because cutie doesn't have just one criticism of the podcast.
She has many.
Okay.
Yeah.
Like too much.
Sometimes I'm thinking, do you even enjoy being here?
No.
Are you healthy?
I say it all the time.
Or are you here at gunpoint?
Yeah.
And one of the criticisms that she has for the podcast is that we oftentimes cut cutie off and don't listen to her.
You never do that.
Austin literally cut cutie off and then demonstrated a story in which his takeaway was valid when it was a different woman telling him all the thing that you've been saying.
But can you be sexist if it was another woman?
Yes.
So wait, hold on.
Now you're just moving the goalpost.
That's like a Keenstar ass defense.
It's like, I'm not misogynistic.
I just hate one woman.
I don't hate you for the record.
My voice isn't as strong.
Naturally, this is why women get cut off because our voice, we're not as bellowing.
Are you saying women aren't as strong as men?
No.
How dare you?
Decimal point-wise, your ear canals.
My voice is less.
Yeah, it's less bellowing than your guys'.
So if I'm saying something, but then you have a...
This is the other thing: I'm capable of multitasking.
I'm capable of thinking in my brain, ooh, I'll wait until I finish to talk about this.
You guys don't have that capability.
And instead, you, in the middle of a sentence, you'll be like, oh, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
So this one time I was getting my dick sucked and I came everywhere.
It was crazy.
And then you're like, oh my God, I hate when that happens.
It's so sticky.
And then you're like, but have you seen my ads recently?
And then you're like, I'm on a lean diet.
And then we were like, gosh, other than like, wow.
It's like every episode, bro.
We haven't talked about coming on anybody's face this episode for the record.
You did talk about facials.
I did, but not that type of facial.
Cutie, you know what?
You're seen, you're heard, you're valid.
You're naturally beautiful.
You're natural and you're beautiful.
And I will, and I'm just going to say it.
I'm just going to say it right now.
I think women are better than men in every facet.
There it is.
I think women should be.
I think God is a woman, actually.
I really do.
I think God's a woman.
I think women have the hardest job.
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world.
Preach.
But if you don't want to be a mother, being a woman is still the hardest job.
Yeah, still the hardest job in the world.
Just being a woman, just existing.
How do you get up every morning and just women?
You know what I mean?
You just woman it.
Preach.
You just fucking watch.
Every morning you just wake up and you're like, I got to go into this world filled with all these toxic ass men.
If I could be reborn and choke twos, I would be a boy.
Really?
I would be too.
I mean, it's awesome.
It's pretty sick.
It's so much harder.
It's so awesome to be being a man.
Is we really don't have any problems.
Yeah, it's pretty whatsoever.
I mean, I was just thinking about it and we just don't.
To be serious, kitty, we're going to stop cutting you off.
Thank you.
You're waiting for me to talk so you can cut me off.
I know I can see it on your face.
I'm not going to be making any promises.
You're one of my favorite people.
You remind me of my sister.
I told you that.
I do say that.
And I love my sister.
You used to be one of my favorite people.
Until.
I'm going to stay talking shit.
I will never check.
I just found out that you genuinely like there was a point where I was watching and I was like, damn, she fucking hates us.
Oh, really?
Was it that bad?
Yeah, you were hammering us.
Really?
There was this clip.
Yes.
I just clock in when I show up here.
I know I'm going to clock in.
Pull it up, Mom.
Have a few, a few comments, and then be done with my shift.
There was a clip.
Remember the Aritzia clip where I was fucking Aritzia.
Yeah, where people were whatever.
And so there was a, it got, it went viral.
And it, it was, and the top comment on it was, and I was wearing a blue shirt and I was like, we care so much about women, you know, yada, yada.
And the top comment on the clip was, when we talk about having the ick, we're talking about the guy in the blue shirt.
Whenever clips get out into the ether beyond our communities, everybody thinks I'm a straight man.
Everybody thinks I'm a straight man in the context of like, I have to have, I think I'm going to have to have, I'm going to have to start having a dick in my mouth in order for people to.
You're doing it again.
You're talking about it.
Oh, sorry.
You did it.
I need to have a man.
What's another thing that a man has on the dick?
Pex.
Why don't you wear a shirt that says I'm gay?
I should.
There you go.
I should.
That would be your sleeve.
I should.
I should.
I don't have to do that.
And also, Cutie and Hassan, I'm starting to understand that people think I'm serious.
I have beef to pick with you.
Let's hear it.
There were people on Twitter and TikTok and Instagram.
I don't freaking know.
Social medias.
During my sexy dance, Santa Baby performance that I practiced for so long to do my sexy dance.
You were on your phone the whole time.
Really?
Yes.
Yes.
Cutie.
He's gay.
Cutie.
So, look.
Wait, who said that?
It was.
Look, I think I got tagged on Instagram.
I'll find you.
The funniest thing is like, I was.
People celebrating too hard.
Were they calling me out?
Were they saying like Austin was on this?
Austin's a bad friend.
What am I supposed to do?
Like, you're supposed to cheer me off.
I was loving it.
I was watching it on my phone.
I have to find my key, my phone.
Where is it?
Oh, that is insane.
I found it.
So it's called a tile.
It's awesome.
Look, I have, I was drunk at your concert.
I know.
And I, wait, did I perform before that?
Your Santa thing?
Yeah.
I was probably looking to see what the chat said.
You are such a problem.
We all do that, though.
That's the thing is, I'm the only one that'll admit it.
Hassan, what are you doing on your phone?
I'm trying to find.
He's trying to find me talking shit.
Oh, you don't need to look any further.
I'll do it right now.
You both suck.
Look, cutie, I, I just, oh my God.
I just have this golden image of you, and I didn't want to see you like that.
Where is it?
Anyway, you talked a lot of shit, cutie.
And I stay talking shit.
I won't say that.
And it's time.
It's time now for you to let it all.
I have to say, sorry.
What are the top?
No, what are the top five, maybe 10, maybe 100?
Austin's the problem.
Things that you are the problem or a problem.
You're not going to find clips of her because her clips are deleted.
No, no, my clips are sub-only.
Okay, hold on.
Hold on.
So I am a problem or the problem.
You are the problem.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, hold on.
First of all, I would, I would, devil's advocate, being the problem cause provides.
You have a hair coming out of your mouth.
Are you okay?
Okay.
It's just your hair is all over the place.
No.
Here, you want to.
Oh my God.
No, literally, what the fuck?
That is absolutely your hair.
I think it's just my dog's hair, to be honest.
I don't know.
God, I'm getting.
Cutie's hair is all over the place.
So I think being the problem is great content.
No, that's it is unless you forget that you've already talked about something and then you talk about it again and again and again.
And you love penis.
I do.
I know.
It's a problem.
I love Taylor Swift, but we don't need to talk about him.
We've talked about it all.
We don't need to do it.
I always bring up Taylor Swift on purpose.
You bring up dick on your own voluntarily.
Hold on, hold on.
And then I go along with it.
And then I get yelled at.
I was going to say, I think it's a group effort because I think he need to break up.
No.
Come on, cutie.
It's not like that.
Okay, it's either that or we make the same pack.
I'm going back to the early fear end days where it's just me by myself because Will's not here.
New Year's resolution.
I will not talk about dick.
We're going to have a dick jar moving forward.
Okay.
A dick jar.
And you're going to have to put $100.
Every time I talk about my dick, I got to put it in there.
$100.
I got to put my dick in the charge.
No.
Oh, you brought up dick today.
I didn't even talk about it.
I like this.
I like this because we could do something.
I mean, that would be a lot of money.
So we could do something fun with that.
How much?
Do I got to bring ones?
I said $100.
$100 every time I bring up Dick.
No, come on.
Let's bring it down a little bit.
Every time you bring up Dick on your own, if it's something.
$100 is way too much.
If someone else brings about it, that's fine.
I'm not $5 per time.
That's a lot.
No, because then you will like budget it.
You'll be like, okay.
No, no, no.
$100 is insane.
That's like, it's insane.
I sometimes bring up Dick like three to four times a podcast.
I know.
And look, I think this is homophobic, to be honest.
I mean, the entire point is for you to stop.
But he could bring up pussy and nobody would bang up.
He can't.
But I don't.
But he would.
He does.
I literally never.
He talks.
He could be like, I like to eat pussy and everybody like, oh, yeah, we all like it too.
But if he brings it up, if he brings up something sexual, you're allowed to.
See, now we're talking about dick because you brought it up.
I just want to point something out.
I don't think I would just willingly, voluntarily, personally bring up eating pussy in the same way that you talk about eating dick.
Yeah, the episode without me, all you guys did was talk about dinosaurs, monster trucks, and dick.
I mean, that was awesome.
Okay, to be fair, sometimes we got to have something for the guys.
Yeah, everybody loved it.
It was one of, it was a hit.
It was a hit.
Was it Marshall?
I don't really think so.
Wait, did people not like it?
No, they're good.
Well, no, we talked about Dick and the dinosaurs and then the dinosaurs gay fucking.
I can talk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
I wonder.
It was a nine-to-one.
I wonder who massaged that conversation to dinosaurs having gay sex.
Okay, fine.
No more dick talk.
Okay.
But I'm not putting $100.
We're going to talk more about vaginas.
Do you think Kaya's vagina is bigger than mine?
Oh, no, that's my daughter.
I know, but I was thinking about it.
Okay.
I'm going to start thinking of new content because the dick jokes aren't hitting on TikTok.
And her Vulva did actually grow a lot because of the period.
Like before her period, her Volvo was not as exposed and now it is.
And I don't know how I feel about it.
What is a Volvo?
It's the car.
Your dad drove in lady.
No, no, what you just said.
Volvo.
I honestly don't know.
We had this problem when we were talking about vaginas a while ago.
Everything's a labia and everything's a Volvo and everything's the clitoris.
I don't understand.
Is it a Volvo or a Volvo?
I think there's like I think they need different names because there's like outer lips and apparently there's inner lips.
And then I say apparently, I've never looked at it really close.
Neither have I.
Yeah.
And then there's the dingly dongly and then there's the clitoris and then there's a whole other hole.
But regardless, I think Kaya's vagina might be bigger than mine.
Well, I don't think we should look.
It's not a problem.
She's my daughter.
I think it's natural and beautiful, but I'm not going to go into that.
She's my daughter and she's a baby and she's sleeping right now.
And you guys are saying horrible things about her.
No, I'm just talking about her vagina.
I don't want to talk about her vagina.
Let's move on.
What's your okay?
So your number one, your number one problem, your number one problem.
No, we don't talk about vaginas enough.
Is Austin your number two problem is we don't talk about Kaya.
I know Magina enough.
What's number three?
Number three is Hassan thinks the only thing I care about in the world is Taylor Swift.
Would I Fuck George Santos00:03:34
It's true.
You've reduced her.
I've got a lot of cares.
You've made me the Guillermo of this podcast where you only throw it to me about Taylor Swift.
Fair.
I have lots of things to talk about, like Kaya's vagina, and you never want to hear about it.
He's reduced you to almost, he's reduced you to being a woman and liking Taylor Swift.
I know.
And I'm so much more than that.
I craft.
I made so many fucking cookies.
She hopes.
What are we going to do?
I got a fucked up Wiki feed.
We never talk about my fucked up Wiki feed.
Okay, we'll talk about your fucked up Wiki feed in a second for good reason, by the way.
I'm seeing it right now, and it's like, yeah, I'm not sure.
It looks like I'm missing a toe.
Oh, God.
Doesn't it?
It looks like.
I feel like I do have the ugliest feet on the fever.
I feel like your feet are so ugly, like people are going to be turned on by them.
They're like little goblin hands.
Do you have a low rating?
I'm trying not to look down there while we're continuing with this podcast.
They look like they're dead, but sewed back to my body.
Very apt description, and it's so correct.
Plus, I have granuloma annulars.
You never talk about my granulum annulars.
What the fuck is that?
I don't even know what that is.
Wow.
We've known each other for a year now.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
A granulum annuls.
It's a skin disorder.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
See, it's on my foot.
That like they look like ringworms.
Rosacea.
No, it looks like ringworm, but it's called a granuloma annular, and I have to go get steroid shots, and you never knew.
Yeah, I didn't know that.
And to be honest, like, we just feel like I should make, I think less of you now.
We thought it was.
It was good that you kept it a secret.
I just thought it was your body and your choice.
You've never noticed.
I never noticed.
Anyway, look, look.
Okay.
So you're right.
I do throw to you a lot with Taylor Swift.
It's my bad.
I will start asking you.
Did you see that she made Travis Kelsey cinnamon roll?
Can I say something?
I'm sorry, but come on.
Because you fucking love talking about Taylor Swift.
That's crazy.
I'll say something.
I don't enjoy talking about Taylor Swift.
Why did I bring you to the concert?
You know, I enjoy talking about Taylor Swift?
Because it's not, you can't talk about dicks in that process.
I love listening to Taylor Swift and her music.
I just don't like, I don't care about a lot of this stuff.
Like that she's dating Travis Kelsey.
I don't care about being gay.
Well, you're not.
So it seems like your gripe with me is that I'm too good at throwing to subjects that you care about.
Got it.
Okay.
And that look, I love it.
I just don't like that you're gay.
You're homophobic and you don't appreciate me.
That's good that we know that now.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what?
I'm going to make a couple changes.
That I'm not going to talk about dicks.
And number two, I'm going to stop saying crazy shit that I don't actually believe.
Because I keep saying things that I think are funny and just the thought of it amuses me.
So I say them out loud.
No, that's fine.
You should keep doing that.
No, no, no.
But I, but people think they're real.
Recently, I said I would fuck George Santos and people really thought I would fuck George Santos.
Well, why wouldn't you?
I just wouldn't fuck George Santos.
But people think it's true.
They think it's real.
They think it's whatever.
Last week, I said that I think that gay men should be able to use the women's restroom always.
And people thought I was serious.
You weren't?
I think so.
You should keep doing that.
That's very gay of you.
To just say like insane shit.
I posted that on my TikTok and it spiraled very quickly.
Oh, so you said something insane and then posted on TikTok.
And now you're like, oh, I wonder why people think I'm serious.
It spiraled so quickly.
Everybody's like, that's disgusting.
Okay, I want to stay on the subject matter.
So number three is I throw to you about Taylor Swift quite a bit.
Mom Doing Laundry00:15:24
Number four, what's your cut me off?
We're not going to do that anymore.
I think you could go back.
Okay, what's number five?
That's the joke.
Come on.
I did a little goof.
Anyway, I think you could go back and time the amount of times I've talked on this podcast and it would be less than the amount of times that Will has talked.
And he's been here for 70, no, 30% of the episodes is what I meant to say.
Wait, did you count?
Did you calculate?
I haven't, but I could.
Okay.
I won't.
He's been here for probably 65 to 70%.
Regardless, he's talked more than me.
You guys are crazy.
I'm always here.
The real fault is that it's at Hassan's house.
That's why sometimes I can't make it.
We should film it at his house in his bedroom.
I think we should film it in Oregon at my house.
We will do an organ episode now.
Organ trip.
Yes.
Let's do an organ trip where you guys come to my hometown and we just do organ things.
That sounds fucking awful.
Oregon has apple cider donuts.
Yes, they do.
That is not in any way, shape, or form appetizing.
He won't come stay with me.
Yeah, of course.
I invited Cutie and Ludwig to come stay with me.
Ludwig really wants to go to my house.
Yeah, that's can you imagine that?
That's weird.
Can you imagine that Hassan and I being as close as we are, Cutie?
You guys are going to come visit.
Well, I mean, we're close too.
Do you think we're friends?
Yes.
We call and we gossip.
I haven't called you in years.
Years?
Yeah.
It's been a couple weeks.
Yeah.
It's been a few weeks.
I called you this morning.
You didn't answer.
I was going to go.
Well, I was doing, I was doing, I had to.
Ludwig's parents are in town and he did.
Can we?
Okay, ladies.
Yeah.
Men.
Am I right?
Yeah.
Terrible.
So correct.
Awful.
All right.
So his parents are coming in town.
And I'm like, Ludd, will you prep the guest room?
Motherfucker, day of laundry's not done.
Bedding's not washed.
Who's doing it?
It's me.
I put it in the laundry machine.
It's too freaking full.
And I'm stressed.
I got a bake-a-thon.
I got to go bake all day and do some shit in the kitchen like I do.
And then he comes upstairs and he's like, You filled the laundry machine up too much and now the stuff's not washed.
Well, I shouldn't have had to do it to begin with.
Well, Ludwig is.
But I asked you.
He's a known misogynist.
He's a bad guy.
He's actually usually really helpful.
He's a bad guy.
He's a terrible human.
We've established that he's a bad guy and an enemy to the best.
But I know you're the same.
I feel like Hassan.
I'm so much more.
I think that's a Hassan thing that he would do.
Yeah.
Imagine that.
When was the last time you washed your parents' sheets?
You mother men.
Men.
I actually don't wash it.
What is wrong with you all?
I don't.
I have, I, was practically raised in a barn and I have better manners than both.
My mom is right there.
My mom.
Why would you know she likes doing that?
Now your mom shaving.
No, she doesn't.
My mom also enjoys doing my laundry.
No, they don't.
They simply don't.
You know what?
They would love having a mimosa on a Saturday, but they can't do that because they're doing your fucking laundry.
No, but my mom wants to do it.
She insists.
Oh, my God.
I try to stop her.
I say, mom, do not do my laundry.
And for the record, folks, my mom doesn't do my laundry.
I was just joking.
That's not serious.
Just so anybody knows.
Everybody knows.
Okay.
Because everything I say is real.
His mom does his laundry.
That's not true.
That's not true.
She does my laundry.
Okay.
My mom does do my laundry.
My mommy does my laundry.
She does do my laundry on occasion during the holidays, especially because she's, she, my parents are visiting.
So she's in the house and she wants to do it.
And who am I to stop her from being a mother?
I think that would be sexist.
No, what?
Don't you agree?
You say, mom, take back your evening and instead put on a Netflix show you want to watch.
I think she's a grown up.
You want to hear the saddest thing about motherhood I've ever heard and witnessed in my life?
Oh, God.
My sister, who is Mormon, five kids.
She's like 30, gave up all of her 20s to give birth.
One time I go to her house and she really wants to show me this TV show, this segment in this TV show.
It's like some country show.
I don't know, country star with Hayden Panantier or something.
I don't know.
I don't freaking know.
This was years ago, I think.
Cool, okay.
But she's like so excited to show me this thing.
The kids go down for a nap and she's like, oh, I want to show you.
She pulls it up on the TV and then her daughter comes in the room because she didn't want a nap, is throwing a hissy fit.
And she's like, I want to watch Moana.
I want to watch Moana.
And she sits next to my sister and lays on my sister's lap.
And so, my sister has to put on Moana, and my sister just silently cries.
Like, just tears are falling down her face.
And I'm like, Are you okay?
And she's like, I just can never have a moment to myself.
Oh my God, that is so sad to me.
Where's her husband at work?
Unbelievable.
That's that is actually the saddest.
I know.
You're like, What the fuck?
That's your mom doing your laundry instead of enjoying her country show.
She wants, she's a bad person.
She's trained.
She's tired.
She's trained.
Are you saying me?
I'm abusing my mother.
Yes.
I said it here first.
Awesome shows abusing his mother.
I, well, what about Hassan?
Yeah, your mom is out there crafting for you right now.
She suggested it.
He's got a fucking, he's got a shop out there on the dining room table.
His mom is in a sweatshirt.
My mom, there's a lot.
My mom will not do shit that she doesn't want to do.
His mom is a tough chick.
She just got her dissertation.
She's going back to teaching college.
Like, I wanted her to live in Los Angeles with me.
And she was like, Yeah, yeah, I'll totally do that.
Oops, just kidding.
Got a job in New York.
I don't know how that happened.
So, like, no, she's not.
She doesn't want to do your laundry.
That's why she's in New York.
She's like, Give me away from that.
My mother also, that might be part of it.
My mother also does.
She keeps saying how much she's going to miss Kaya.
And I'm like, well, what about me?
I'm your son.
You know, like, sure, Kaya's your granddaughter, but I am your son.
And you keep stressing the point that you're going to miss her exclusively.
What I love about my mom is my mom will come over to my house and get mad at me for making a mess in my own house.
That's so funny.
Yeah.
Like, she'll be like, you're Austin, pick up your something.
I'm like, mom, it's my house.
I can make a mess here.
There's a lot of, there's a lot of stuff that she enjoys doing around the house, like buying and recycling furniture.
And by that, I don't mean like she actually recycles the furniture.
I just mean she cycles it.
Oh, she's buying more furniture over and over again.
My mom decorates my house and refuses to let me take those decorations down.
My mom's dead.
Oh, wow.
That's okay.
Number five, what's your fifth gripe?
That you both have moms.
We both have mothers.
Yeah.
That's nothing we can do.
We did not do that.
Didn't happen.
Nothing.
You know what?
This has been very cathartic and I'm better now.
Okay.
I know what the only gripe you have is everything you just said is bullshit.
Wait, what?
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Tell me.
The real gripe.
Yeah.
Here, let a man tell you what you think and be.
Did you see the fucking comments?
Last week, Emily and I are on the Patreon episode talking about orgasms.
You cut us off and explain the female orgasm to me and Emily.
I'm not going to lie.
I think I'm very knowledgeable on the subject matter.
I'm going to kill myself.
He doesn't even regret it.
I don't even regret that part.
He's doubling down.
Specifically on the medical history side of it.
He's still going.
Yes, I'm doubling.
Have you ever had a female orgasm?
Yes.
Like yourself.
So many.
Have you experienced those?
So many.
From your perspective.
Wow.
So many.
That is.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
Okay.
You tell me my problem.
Okay.
Are you ready for this?
Yeah.
We are not Maya Higa.
That's true.
That's it.
That's it.
Everything can be reduced to the body.
No.
No, you're not Maya Higa.
I love Maya is age.
Does Maya like me?
Actually, no, I take it back.
She doesn't.
I'm just kidding.
She doesn't.
Maya is an awful person.
That's another enemy of mine.
All of my enemies are people that cutie likes more than me.
Lunwick and Maya.
Those are my two enemies.
You're going to have to hate your dog.
You're going to have to have to hate me too.
Okay.
You have to hate me.
You already hate me.
What?
You already hate me.
I don't.
No.
Judy does not like you more than oh 100.
She told me.
No, that's not true.
She told me.
She told me.
She thinks that you're a piece of shit.
No, she doesn't.
I do like that it is my two podcasts to have very separate identities.
I do like it genuinely.
Yeah, I do too.
I like that I can just be mean to you guys and then show up every week and then complain for the week until I get it.
Yeah, but everybody loves it, though.
I think they love our dynamic.
I think we've got a lot of mental health issues, all of us.
Speaking for yourself, I'm fucking, I'm a beacon of sanity.
I think, and I think that, oh, man, I think that, I think that people like the realness of the collective group.
Yeah, we're like the real housewives.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
I think I didn't realize how unstable I was until I watched myself on this podcast.
Do you ever leave the podcast and completely forget what you talked about?
Yes.
I know you do because you tell the same.
Sorry.
The same jokes.
She got fucking daggers for you.
She doesn't have shit for me.
I've got new stuff to talk about today.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Tell us, baby cakes.
Well, first of all, I just want to let everybody know that I feel seen.
I feel heard.
Because I've got a piece of news.
The number one searched term on Pornhub for gay porn was Twink in 2023.
I thought it was going to be Austin Show and I'm so excited.
Twink, what?
I don't know.
Twink was the number one search term for porn, gay porn in 2023.
Has it not been Twink for years?
Yeah.
You think you invented like sex?
No, no, I don't think I'm responsible for $100 in the job.
No, no, no.
$100 in the job.
No, no, no.
Right now.
Gay sex was not a part of the deal.
Yes, it is.
It was dick.
Okay.
How do you do gay sex with?
With a dick.
Boom.
No.
$100 in the dick yard.
He brought up dick.
What?
He brought up dick.
Jury.
So anyway, gay porn, twink, number one search term in 2023.
I just want to let everybody know.
I feel seen.
I feel heard.
Just want to let everybody know.
Austin, twinks have always been popular.
Look at these cute little bosses.
I know, but I get shit on every time I talk about how I like twinks.
He's so cute.
I might be able to.
Hassan's doing something cool today.
Social miss.
Are you going to do that?
Well, I might be able to.
I have to run to the mall.
Oh, that's perfect.
You can get some stuff.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I have to run to the mall because I haven't gotten all my Christmas presents.
I'm stressed.
I am so bad at this.
I'm getting moms.
I have to get Ludwig's.
I paid for my mom and my dad to go on a cruise.
Wait, I have a question.
What's Ludwig's mom into other than me?
Fucking got him.
Oh, he's not even here, but I still got him.
Okay.
She might be into you.
I don't know.
Oh, no, she isn't.
My mom thinks you're hot and it's very annoying.
That's cool.
You think my dad's hot?
I do think your dad's hot.
Yeah.
You have a hot dad.
Yeah.
Suck him.
Now you're talking about.
Okay.
Well, Will's not here.
Someone has to talk about sucking dads.
Listen, man.
I think that's the first time you've made me uncomfortable by saying you would give a blowjob to my dad.
Okay, I'm kidding.
I think that would ruin our friendship.
If I did it, would it ruin your friendship?
Yeah.
You just don't.
Why?
You don't want anyone touching your dad all of a sudden.
No, it would be weird if Hassan was gay.
I think.
What?
He's homophobic.
I'm not homophobic, but if Hassan came out as gay, if he came out, he's like...
It's like your thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, he would be mad because I would.
We're not going to do it.
I was going to say, I would outgay him.
We're not going to have this conversation again.
We're moving on.
See, I'm learning and I'm growing.
And because you're our beautiful, valid, and natural.
The rose of this fraternity because you're a yeah, because you're a woman, I listen to you.
I don't know.
No, stop.
We're not doing that.
Why can't I blow your dad?
Why can't you blow my dad?
Because my mom would be very upset.
I thought they were divorced.
No, they're together, brother.
Do I present like somebody who has divorced parents?
What does someone with divorced parents look like?
Gay.
Oh, he did say I looked gay recently.
You said that.
Or your chat said that.
Wait, you always look gay.
What do you mean?
Like, like a lesbian.
I look like a lesbian.
Yeah, you look gay.
You do gay as hell right now.
You do drive.
You do drive a Subaru, too.
I know.
I think I'm gay.
You drive a Subaru and you dress like this.
And you also always invoke a very powerful women can't be powerful unless they're gay.
Powerful, masculine aura of feminine.
I will say someone said on your stream that I was like Phoebe Bridgers, and I took that as a compliment.
That is a compliment.
Yeah.
But she's bi.
I think you look like Britney Spears.
Yeah, we were talking about gifts.
Thank you, March.
I'm giving my mom Austin's dad's coupon for Austin's dad.
Can I give a blog?
I'm doing the dick thing.
I'm just thinking.
If I can't talk about digs, I'll show mine.
That's what he's doing.
That's what's happening.
At the peace, why'd you get your mom?
No, we're not.
So here's the thing with me.
I'm very bad at like, I'm very bad at gift giving because I don't have any time to just be like, all right, I'm going to go shopping.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Wait, how did you, did you get anybody anything for Christmas?
But also, no, but also, yes.
So here's what I mean.
I'm very bad at gift giving, but I'm very good at just like, you know, being the financier of all the things that we do.
That's exactly what I am, too.
So like, for example, we're going to Italy for five days.
Obviously, it's like all expenses paid.
Like, I pay for everything.
Yeah.
And I'm not even saying that to be like, oh man, this sucks.
Like, I love that.
While you're there, will you pay his bill?
No.
Yeah, to Italy.
I refuse.
Okay.
I'm actually going to work with them to, you know, map out where you are so they can hunt you.
Okay.
So I do the same.
I'm the same way.
I, I, I, I'm terrible at gift giving, but like, I just like finance vacations for my parents.
So I think you wish that I'm included in all of them.
So, in a way, no, I mean, I would love to send them on vacation and not go and then I can stream.
I just like, I have to go as part of it.
But these guys go into Italy for 48 hours.
Terrible at Gift Giving00:07:06
I've never seen that long.
But also, but also my point was, you know, like I'll buy things for my family like all the time throughout the year when someone needs something or like I paid off my mom.
I didn't even know she has student loan debt.
So when I found out, it was like $100,000 of like because she went to grad school and stuff.
So I just paid that off.
Like that wasn't like a, that wasn't like a thing.
You know what I mean?
I didn't even.
That's not like a gift, I guess.
That's so beautiful.
But it's just like a thing, right?
So I have a car that you could pay off.
I should start stealing things from you.
I do that already.
Okay.
I don't know how this turned into that.
I love theft.
I am a fan of theft.
He's a huge.
None of this helped me know what to get, Ludwig.
So for Christmas.
What I was going to say is, no, what are your, what are her said she's techie and she just got a Dyson Air wrap.
And I was like, well, I can't get her a Dyson A wrap then.
Well, if that's the case.
That's what he was going to say.
Oh my God.
Someone at the gym, a lady at the gym was talking about this thing.
It's a Samsung.
It's like a new Samsung, like, it's not a dryer.
What is it?
You when you like, make something moist and then dehydrator no oh, steamer.
There's a new Samsung steamer that is all the rage for clothes.
Yeah, and it's very techy.
Pull it up, you know what?
I don't think you need steamers.
I think my favorite thing to do is you just there's wrinkle release spray is so easy.
Oh, i've never heard of that.
Yeah, so there's a spray folks called you just spray your clothes and the wrinkles go away.
It's amazing.
Don't really care about wrinkles, but my point was that that is something you can do.
Um, look at him, she's techie.
I'm trying to actually well, i'm trying to find something, for I know, Cutie's Cutie's.
That's a freaking dresser.
No, I think this is it.
I can't buy her a dress.
Wait, do you just wait?
Do you just put it in there?
She has to fly back to New Hampshire.
That's awesome.
Just ship it to her house.
That's so cool.
But it can fit like three shirts.
Yeah, what the hell's the point of that?
Yeah, I have a closet.
Can I just steam my closet?
Yeah see like, let's invent a steamer for the closet.
That's what you are looking.
Yeah, but I need more than three shirts.
I need the whole closet okay well, thank you.
So that's one thing.
That's uh, that's one thing you get, okay.
Another is like, I mean she's techie, like what are her interests in art?
I'm sure she's like art.
Yeah, like she likes art.
That's what I mean.
Get her.
My mom was suggesting going to uh, a museum gift shop.
You can go to a museum gift shop right now and probably get her something that she will uh, she would enjoy.
I got my mom and dad to dinner in a movie.
Oh, that's fun.
But I also taking them on a cruise.
Maybe I could find a group on in New Hampshire.
Why group on?
You broke ass.
Because group ON has fun.
Like packages, you know, like experiences, and no, what are?
Maybe Airbnb, sometimes they have like beekeeping.
Maybe I could get her an experience, do you?
What do you want for christmas, cutie?
I want a Dyson Air wrap.
So somebody already got that for you.
No, I don't think I.
I don't know.
I don't know what Ludwig got I want.
I would like tennis bracelets.
All the girlies are wearing tennis bracelets, what's that?
But they're expensive.
I don't know.
They're cute little bracelets.
I don't know what I like.
All the girls are wearing them like i'm writing it down, tennis bracelets yeah, like what the fuck's that's not.
Christmas is tomorrow.
All girls want tennis bracelets this year.
Look oh yeah, I got my niece's they're expensive a Cartier one, holy moly.
Okay, I didn't buy my.
Yeah see, Marsh knows oh, that i've.
That's old, that that wait wait wait, pull that second one up i've.
I've, literally i've gotten this for, like an ex-girlfriend of mine many, many years ago.
Oh, that's the OG one.
Right yeah, mine was.
I think mine was fake, though can I say something?
I don't get jewelry.
Like why you're wearing a necklace right now?
Oh, you're right.
I mean, it's a thing that's sentimental.
It's a thing that's sentimental that you can wear all the time and it'll remind you of the person that completes your outfit.
I guess so, but I guess you're right, i'm a hypocrite because I forgot I was wearing a necklace.
I just don't get spending like Tens of thousands.
No, I'm okay with fake stuff.
Jewelry.
Yeah, I mean, this is triggering.
All girls want for Christmas this year.
You're hearing this on Christmas, so you'll see if you did want, if you got it right, is cartier bracelets, Ugg slippers, Dyson air wraps, maybe a towel warmer, and towel warmer.
And a Stanley mug if they don't have one.
Stanley.
Oh my gosh.
I love Stanley.
Maybe I'll get his mom a Stanley.
That could be cool.
Wait, are you getting his mom a gift?
Yeah.
What?
They're in town for Christmas.
You got to portray gifts.
Wait, he's going to be.
Hassan's parents?
No, Why?
Would you be mad?
No, I would be like, wow, I need to step my game up because I need to get her.
I'm her favorite.
You didn't get my mom shit.
Hasan's mom likes me more than him.
That's let's ask her.
Not true.
I don't know if it's fully true.
I think it's fully true.
Because he paid off her student loans, and that's like...
No, but that's not.
You haven't done that.
That's not, that's not a lot of people who are going to the game.
That is not the reason.
Okay, I want to show something.
I want to show something out.
We should just keep talking over him.
We need to vlog our gay bar extra.
Yeah, that'd be fun.
I do not have a transactional relationship with my family members.
It has nothing to do with that.
That is dead.
Oh, she's dead.
Wait, did you say your mom will come?
His mom.
Oh, that's it.
But then you made it about my mom.
Can you cut that out of the podcast?
No, it's fine.
We were trying to talk over him.
I feel like we're to listen to a joke about your mom.
I was not listening to what you were saying at all because I was explaining to me.
His family relationships are not transactional relationships.
No, I would not tell if you heard me.
I would talk shit about you behind your back.
Perfect.
And thank you for watching this.
Merry Christmas.
No, hold on.
We're going to Patreon.
Okay, Walled portion of the podcast.
We're doing a cookie test test.
We're going to do the cookie test.
I mean, we are going to talk more about the offline TV fear and collaboration.
And mostly gay sex.
Yeah, mostly gay sex.
There will be no gay sex involved or not.
But yeah, check it out at patreon.com.
Merry Christmas to you all, to those that celebrate.
And if you don't celebrate Christmas, I fuck you.
Yeah.
It's very unaccountable.
America, goddammit.
Be American.
Sorry to Sarah Palin.
Yeah.
I didn't mean it.
Yeah.
We love you all.
Merry Christmas.
And we bid thee adieu.
Okay.
Talk to us.
You said you sat next to a Karen.
I sat next to a Karen.
Like you were like, sister, quintessential, a quintessential Karen.
Flying More Than You Do00:01:03
She started off the flight by saying, well, first of all, she boards the plane and I'm sitting there in my seat and she's on the phone having a very loud conversation.
And she starts talking about me in front of me while she's on the phone.
Okay, so she's sliding.
Because I'm wincing and she's putting this bag up into the thing.
What do you mean she's starting?
Well, what was she saying about you?
Well, I'll tell you.
So she's putting her bag up and she's like, oh, this guy thinks I'm going to drop this bag on me, on him, but I'm not.
I've done this before.
That's weird as fuck.
Yeah.
And so she's like talking about out loud.
And I'm like, okay, so immediately my blood starts to boil because I'm like, okay.
This guy.
She doesn't know who she's fucking.
I'm the Austin shit.
Yeah, she doesn't.
And she's got, and so she starts to hit me with the I fly a lot sort of but I was nothing triggers me more when somebody comes and thinks they fly more than I do.
Yeah, you fly.
You're the biggest flyer out there.
So she comes and she's like, I think I've done this before, yada, yada, yada.
And I almost said I've done it more than you, but that's, I didn't, I didn't go there.